*****
Buffy waited outside the school for a moment, telling herself that it was because she wanted to take in the beauty of the full moon, when in actuality she was hoping Angel would come after her. She knew that wanting to see him just a little while longer wasn't good, but she couldn't help herself. She did. She wanted to see him more than just a little while longer, actually, but she couldn't stay. She knew that. But that didn't make it any easier.
The moment turned into five minutes before she finally gave up, figuring he'd taken another way out of the building and had gone home to his apartment to brood. She walked down the steps of Sunnydale High and left the premises, lost in the beauty of the night, and lost in her own thoughts, as well. After all, her thoughts were all she had for company anymore, she figured she might as well get used to them.
When she'd gotten a half a mile away from Sunnydale High, and was near the park, she heard a low growl from behind her. She couldn't help but roll her eyes as she turned to face the vampire, reached behind her for the stake she had hidden in her jeans, pulled it out, and staked him before he could even move towards her. Buffy smirked, amused by the stupidity of the vampires of Sunnydale, then continued on her way, never realizing that she was walking straight towards Angel's apartment until she was standing in front of the stairs that led downwards to his haven.
Angry with herself, she spun quickly and continued in the other direction, knowing she had a long night to pass before morning would come, and with morning the bus that would once again take her out of Sunnydale.
*****
Angel felt her near, and then felt her retreat. How he felt it he couldn't say, but he did nonetheless. The temptation to go after her was there, but it wasn't very strong. For the moment he was attempting to clear his head, and it wasn't working. Everything was so confused, so intermingled, and so frustrating. The fight with Buffy hadn't helped, because now he was trying to figure out why she was leaving town as well as trying to work out the memories in his head.
He knew he'd lost his soul. He knew what he'd done. But at the same time the memories were superficial, they lacked power or emotion, and he wasn't sure why that was. He, himself, lacked emotion, and that bothered him. He was concerned for Buffy, he felt guilty about what he'd done as Angelus, of course, and he knew those emotions should have been overwhelmingly powerful. But they weren't. They were there, of course, but seemed unreal, like a strange dream or hallucination. Nothing seemed real, nothing felt as though it had really happened. It was just all so confusing.
He sighed and put his head in his hands and rubbed them across his face before folding them underneath his chin, closing his eyes and swallowing as he tried to just FEEL something. But he couldn't. He couldn't feel anything deeply. No emotions seemed to be getting through, as if they were all being blocked by something inexplicable.
Angel was on his feet and pacing before he even realized he'd moved from his position on the bed. He also couldn't remember anything about the past week, nothing from the when Buffy had stabbed him and caused him to go backwards into the portal to Hell. Whether the memories were simply too traumatic to be dealt with, or if they were there under the surface and inaccessible, he couldn't say for certain. But again, he couldn't summon any feelings towards them. He felt strangely empty, and in some ways it was a relief, not to feel grief or guilt, sadness or sorrow; yet on the other hand it was frightening, too.
The past had always been one of the most important things to him, giving him all his reasons to hate himself, yet now some of those memories were missing, large chunks of his life that he couldn't get to. And not just of the past week, some things from the distant past as well. He couldn't remember anything of his human life, ten years of when he'd been Angelus were gone, and about the same length of time when he'd first gotten his soul back was also missing. Not vague, just not there any longer.
It had to be somehow linked to his experience in Hell. It was the only explanation that made any sense. The curse to restore his soul couldn't have anything to do with it, because he'd gone through that once before; he KNEW what that was like. But this . . . this was different. What he could remember, he felt nothing more than surface emotions for. Not even a small flash, there was just nothing where those memories should have been.
Trying to work it all out in his mind was more frustrating than it was worth. And he was tired. Angel walked towards the bed and layed down, closing his eyes and hoping that maybe in sleep the memories and emotions would return.
*****
"She's not coming," Xander said needlessly as he rose from his seat in the cafeteria to stretch his muscles, which were complaining after being in the same position for so long.
"She has to," Willow protested. "She has to at least tell us if it worked, if she's okay, if she got Angel . . . "
Xander looked at her from the corner of his eye and shook his head. "She won't," he answered. "She's probably long gone."
"I hate to agree," Giles murmured, "but you're probably right."
Willow sighed heavily. "This isn't right," she said softly. "It's just not fair. Buffy should be here . . . she should be okay."
"But she's not," Giles interrupted. "She's not okay. I don't know if she ever will be again." He stood as well and rubbed his tired eyes. "I think we should just go home."
"No!" Willow protested loudly. "We should go try to find her . . . if it didn't work she probably went to Angel's place . . . if it did she couldn't have left, she'd want to be with him . . . " She shook her head in frustration. "She can't do this."
"She already has," Giles told her gently. "I don't think anything can bring her back." From the tone of his voice the others all knew he wasn't just talking about Buffy staying in Sunnydale permanently.
"There has to be a way," Cordelia spoke up. "Some way to get through to her." Her voice was quiet and lacked it's usual airhead quality, actually, she'd lacked her usual airheaded quality for quite some time now, Giles noted. She'd changed, too. Giles only wished Buffy's change had been as positive as Cordelia's.
"There may be," Giles admitted. "But I'm afraid we may not find it in time." He sighed slightly and began heading towards the library doors.
"Giles!" Cordelia called out, stopping him. He turned back. "Is there a way to find her?" she asked. "Some sort of binding ritual, or something, a way to keep track of her?"
Giles blinked, surprised by the intelligence of the question. In truth, he'd been surprised by a lot of what he'd seen in Cordelia in the past few days. "I'm not sure," he replied softly. "It's a good question. I'll have to research it . . . " he trailed off as Cordelia laughed.
"It's just a thought," she told him, shaking her head. "Don't lose sleep over it or anything."
Giles nodded and smiled at her, regretting the rude things he'd said about her now that he was confronted with the softer side of her. "I won't," he promised before leaving.
*****
She hadn't even realized where she was going, she'd just been walking aimlessly through Sunnydale, but she stopped short when she registered where she was. Buffy looked up at her house and sighed slightly, closing her eyes and feeling the tears welling. She tried to push them away, to be strong, so that she could do what she had to do, but it was almost impossible. She didn't want to leave, she wanted to stay, more than anything else in the entire world.
Buffy turned her back on the house she'd lived in for the past two years and kept walking, heading for the bus-stop where she'd have to be in the morning if she wanted to leave Sunnydale for good. And she had to leave Sunnydale. There was no other choice, no possible other way. She didn't have any more options, except to get out now, before she hurt anyone else.
She stopped as she passed the Bronze, closed for the evening and eerily deserted. Buffy stood in front of the dance club for a long moment, remembering everything that had happened in that one little place. She'd thought that she was prepared for this, that she could just come back and leave again with the same ease that she had the first time. But it was harder, now. A lot harder. Leaving before, when she'd just killed the one person she loved more than anything else in her life, had been easy. But leaving now, when Angel was here . . . Buffy shook her head angrily, frustrated with herself for so easily losing all her momentum, just because of him. It wasn't fair. He shouldn't be able to have so much control over her, but he did nonetheless, even if he wasn't aware of it.
Buffy sat down on a small bench in front of the Bronze and stared at the club thoughtfully as she also took in the quiet sounds of the night she rarely got to enjoy. It seemed that the only times she was outside she was hunting, not relaxing. She looked up at the sky, surprised by the warmth of the evening, with only the softest of breezes. Somehow she thought it should be raining, the appropriate weather to reflect her mood.
The Slayer closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to prepare herself for saying good-bye to the small town once again. But even as she tried she was already up and moving; there was one person she had to see one more time before she could truly say good-bye.
*****
As Buffy stood in front of the door to Angel's apartment, she knew it was a bad idea. She'd walked away from him once already tonight, and now she was planning on doing it again just for the sole purpose of having one more memory, one more night to look back on longingly.
Once she'd knocked, she waited impatiently for the door to open. Only it didn't. Buffy blinked, puzzled, and stared up at the door for a moment, as if somehow the door could answer her question. But then she answered her own question, he was probably asleep. It made sense, he'd just gotten out of Hell, after just getting his soul back . . . that was enough to wear out even the most vibrant and energetic of people.
Instead of turning around and leaving, which she acknowledged would have been the best choice, she walked towards the stairs that led down to his apartment and sat down on the second step, just staring quietly at his apartment door with her elbows resting on her knees as her head rested in her hands.
She was startled when the sun began to rise, and she glanced up at the yellow orb in surprise. Buffy hadn't realized just how long she'd been sitting and staring at Angel's door. She shook her head and stood, straightening up her clothing as she realized she'd left her bag at Angel's apartment. For a moment she debated whether or not she should just go in, get it, and then leave, but she decided not to. She had the sneaking suspicion that if she saw Angel even one more time she would never manage to make it back to the street, let alone all the way to the bus station and out of Sunnydale.
She started to walk away, down the street, yet she couldn't help but turn back one more time. Wiping away a stray tear, she said a silent good-bye to the vampire inside. Then with determination she stalked towards the bus station, refusing to look back again.
*****
Giles didn't look up as the double doors swung open and two Slayerettes stepped inside. Xander and Cordelia both looked at each other before sitting down at the table as one, next to each other, and staring silently at the Watcher until he acknowledged their presence.
"Uh, oh, um, yes, hello," Giles stammered when he realized they were waiting for him to say something.
"Whatcha doing?" Cordelia asked, softly tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear as she looked at Giles curiously.
"I'm researching that idea you had last night," Giles explained. "And I think you may have been onto something."
"Really?" Cordelia looked surprised as she stood to walk around the other end of the table and peer over Giles' shoulder. "What do you mean?"
Giles glanced up, to see Xander staring at the floor while Cordelia circled the table. He cleared his throat, causing Xander to glance up at him. "If I'm correct, there may be a way for us to track Buffy," he explained. "It's complicated, and would involve another ritual, but it may be the only way."
Cordelia rolled her eyes. "You ever notice how we get stuck in these trends we can't get out of?" she asked rhetorically. "I mean, think about it, last year it was prophecy after prophecy, this year it's ritual after ritual. First there was that whole 'Xander wants the school to want him' thing, then getting Angel his soul back, then getting him out of Hell, and now we're doing another one so we can follow Buffy around . . . " She shook her head and sat down. "What are we, a New Age group?" Giles and Xander both looked at her at the same time. "What?" she retorted. "What'd I say?"
Giles just shook his head and continued reading. "This book states that a binding ritual can only be done on someone who for a very specific reason must be in one location," he explained, but Xander interrupted.
"That ought to work, Buffy - Slayer, Sunnydale - Hellmouth. The two go together, like peanut butter and jelly."
"Um, yes," Giles murmured, pretty much ignoring Xander. "However it also states that the only person who can be bound with her in such a way, so that said person will always know where she is, is the person who's closest to her. The person she cares about the most."
Xander groaned and laid his head down on the table before glancing up under his lashes in annoyance. "I don't suppose we could be lucky and find out it means her dog, huh?"
"Xander, Buffy doesn't have a dog," Cordelia spoke up.
Xander groaned and glared at her for a moment before looking back at Giles. "Well?"
Giles shook his head. "I'm relatively certain who the person must be," he said with a sympathetic nod.
Xander banged his head against the table. "I was rather hoping that we could just forget all about Dead Boy and move on with our lives, ya know," he muttered.
"If we want to be able to find Buffy and bring her home . . . it - it may be the only way," Giles stammered as he stood to find another book. "But I'm not certain yet, so we shouldn't jump to any conclusions."
"I've already jumped to one, and I'm not liking it," Xander mumbled under his breath.
Cordelia rolled her eyes. "Give it a break, Xander," she replied, annoyed. "Get off your little Angel kick and move on with the rest of your life. Kay?" Xander stood angrily and stormed out of the library at her words. Giles and Cordy watched him go in surprise, then Cordy glanced heavenwards. "Now there's a guy with issues," she muttered under her breath.
CONTINUES