Hope Has A Place

//One look at love
and you may see
it weaves a web
over mystery,
all ravelled threads
can rend apart
for hope has a place in the lover's heart
Hope has a place in a lover's heart//

//Whispering world
A sigh of sighs
The ebb and the flow
Of the ocean tides
One breath, one word
May end or start
A hope in a place of the lover's heart
Hope has a place in a lover's heart//

PART ONE

Sunnydale, 2008

"It wouldn't hurt you to go out once in awhile you know."

"Angel, give it a rest," Cordelia sighed as she stirred the pot on the stove. "I go out. I went out with Willow and Buffy to see the new Renee Zellweger movie just the other night."

Angel shook his head and ran a hand wearily through his hair. "That's not what I mean and you know it. When was the last time you went out on a real date?"

"Like I have time." Moving efficiently around the kitchen, Cordelia continued the preparations for dinner. "I'm a single mother who's struggling to make ends meet. I don't have time to go out looking for Mr. Perfect." Dumping the contents of the pot into a bowl, she placed her hands on the counter and faced Angel across the counter with a firm expression on her face.

Taking hold of her hand, Angel pulled Cordelia around the butcher-block island until she stood before him. "Nobody said you needed to find Mr. Perfect. You found Mr. Not-So-Perfect once. Maybe you could find him again."

Cordelia pulled away. "Don't do this to me Angel. I'm really getting sick of hearing it."

"He wouldn't want you to be alone."

"Don't tell me..." Cordelia's angry reply was cut off by a small figure bursting into the kitchen. "Mommy! Look what Uncle Xander gave me."

"What did Uncle Xander give you sweetie? It'd better not be anything with a heartbeat." Leaning down, Cordelia picked up her four-year-old daughter and braced her against her hip.

Angel snorted. "Would you prefer she had a pet vampire?"

Cordelia glared at him. "One vampire around the house is enough, thank you very much."

"Even one vampire around the house is one too many if you ask me. But then again, nobody does." Xander declared as he walked into the kitchen. "Hey Dead-boy."

"Xander," Angel replied dryly with a nod in Xander's direction.

"Mommy!!!" The little girl said eagerly, tugging on Cordelia's arm.

"Yes sweetie?"

"Lookit!" Excitedly she pushed a photograph in Cordelia's hand. "It's a picture of you and my daddy."

"Oh," Cordelia breathed as she lowered her daughter to the floor and examined the picture. Her mind raced as she tried to remember when it had been taken. She smiled when the memory finally came to her. It had been taken on Buffy's twenty-first birthday when life seemed like it was finally going to work out for all of them. Doyle's gift to Buffy and Angel had been a binding spell that eliminated the happiness clause. He had never told her where he got it; only smiled and said that it didn't matter as long as everyone was happy. And everyone was, especially when Buffy and Angel decided not to rush into a relationship, but to remain apart and let one redevelop between them slowly.

Willow and Oz had reunited after his journey of self-discovery and were happy together; as she continued her college education and he formed a new band. Xander and Anya were still arguing, but obviously very much in love. Cordelia had found some small success as an actress but it didn't prevent her from helping out whenever Angel and Doyle needed an extra hand. She and Doyle had continued their friendly bickering for almost two years, until one night, three months before the birthday party, it erupted in a furious fight that ended only when Doyle grabbed her and kissed her. After several days of indignant fury and avoiding the office, Cordelia finally admitted to herself that she was happiest when he was around. After that they were seldom apart.

As she studied the picture of herself sitting on Doyle's lap, Cordelia could clearly remember the feel of his arms around her and the smell of his cologne as she pressed her face next to his while Willow took the picture. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath to steady herself before opening them and kneeling down next to the small figure of her daughter. "This is wonderful sweetie. I'd forgotten all about this picture." Taking the child in her arms, she gave her a hug and a kiss before pushing her gently in the direction of the bathroom. "Go wash you hands before dinner. I'll find a frame for this and put it next to your bed."

Frannie ran off, leaving Cordelia to face Angel and Xander. "I'm sorry Cordy. If I had known that it would upset you, I never would have given it to her," Xander said quietly.

"It's okay Xander," Cordelia smiled. "She needs to know her father. The more pictures the better." She paused and then continued wistfully, "It just brings back memories."

Xander crossed to Cordelia and gave her a gentle hug. "But they're good memories, right?"

"The best."

"Then that's all that matters." Releasing Cordelia, Xander headed towards the door. "I've gotta go. All those baby hormones have Anya feeling domestic. She's attempting to cook dinner tonight. I need to be there to wield the fire extinguisher."

Cordelia laughed as he left the room. "Poor Xander, destined to never have a home cooked meal." She stopped laughing as her gaze fell on Angel's serious face. "Don't start. Please?"

Angel sighed. "Okay. I just worry about you. You shouldn't be alone."

"Angel, go home. Buffy's waiting for you and I need to feed my daughter." Turning to the stove, she rattled the pots and pans loudly.

Reluctantly, Angel left, stopping for a moment to stare at the picture Cordelia had placed on the counter. "I'm trying to watch out for her," he whispered softly. "But she's not making it easy."

*******

Quietly, Cordelia walked into her daughter's darkened bedroom. She stopped for a moment and studied the dark-haired little girl in the soft glow of the nightlight. It was moments like these, when the child's eyelashes lay curled on her cheeks, that she most reminded Cordelia of Doyle. There was something about the peaceful expression on her face as she clutched her teddy bear that was reminiscent of Doyle's relaxed expression as he held her while they slept. She started to leave the room, then paused when she saw the new picture on the nightstand. Sighing, she picked the picture up and left the room.

Walking slowly, she entered the kitchen and poured a glass of wine.

Carrying the wine and the picture, she walked into the living room and settled down in a corner of the couch. Placing the wineglass on the coffee table, she ran her fingers over the picture. "Oh Doyle, why did you have to be so brave?" As the tears slowly slipped from her eyes, she became lost in the memory of the night she learned what real loss was.

~~~~

Los Angeles, 2003

"Angel! Get her out of here!" Doyle yelled. "It's all coming apart! This binding spell can't last much longer."

The wind howled in the alley as the vortex swirled with a malevolent glow. Angel grabbed Cordelia around the waist and ran around the corner; dumping her unceremoniously on the ground. As he spun around to return to the alley and help Doyle, a sudden roar of noise and rush of wind flung him to the ground next to Cordelia. Just as quickly, the noise stopped and there was a deafening silence. Cordelia turned to Angel with fear-filled eyes, "What happened? Did he get it closed?"

Rising to his feet, Angel slowly turned the corner and entered the alley. It was empty, a spilled dumpster the only sign of the otherworldly disturbance.

"Doyle? What happened? Are you okay?" Cordelia called out as she walked up to Angel's side. "Where is he?"

"He's not here."

She stopped and looked at the vampire curiously. "What do you mean he's not here? Where else could he be?"

"Cordelia, I'm sorry. But I think that the binding spell collapsed and the vortex closed. You know the kind of power, the kind of pull that it would have." Angel put his hands on Cordelia's shoulders and forced her to look at him. "He's gone. He got pulled in."

"No." she whispered softly. "No, it's not possible. He's here. We just have to find him." Pulling away from Angel, Cordelia began pushing the trash and papers aside in a frantic search.

"Cordelia, stop! You know he's not here!" Grabbing Cordelia by the shoulders, he pulled her to her feet. "He's gone Cordy. I'm sorry."

Tears begin to fill Cordelia's eyes as she slowly shook her head in denial. "He wouldn't leave me Angel. He wouldn't..."

"I know. He would never leave you willingly. But the vortex closed so quickly..." Angel shook his head sadly. "He wouldn't have had a chance. But he knew you were safe, and I'm sure that's all that mattered to him."

Cordelia lifted a shaking hand and wiped at the tears that glistened on her cheeks. "Oh God, Angel..."

Fighting his own grief, Angel wrapped his arms around the sobbing woman and held her tightly. "It'll be okay. Somehow. It'll be okay."

~~~~~~~~~~~

Lifting her head, Cordelia wiped at the tears that ran down her cheeks. Reaching out, she picked up the glass and slowly sipped her wine. Looking back, she wondered how she ever survived those first weeks after Doyle's disappearance. Lost in her grief, she didn't leave their apartment for days, preferring instead to huddle on their bed and hold onto one of the shirts Doyle had left in the laundry. Despite his personal grief, Angel came by frequently and tried to get her to eat or to take a walk outside. But she would turn away, losing herself in a fresh round of tears.

~~~~~~~~~~~

"Oh Cordelia..." Willow sighed as she pushed open the door and walked into the darkened bedroom.

Cordelia rubbed her eyes as she pushed herself into a sitting position. "Willow," she said hoarsely. "What are you doing here?"

The red-haired witch gestured behind her where Angel stood somberly in the doorframe, his hand entwined with Buffy's. "Angel called. He was worried about you."

"I'm okay."

"No you're not," Willow said firmly. "How much weight have you lost? When was the last time you ate anything or even left the bedroom?"

Buffy released Angel's hand and stepped to the center of the room. "You both look like hell and you're both coming home with us. We're not taking no for an answer."

Angel nodded slowly at the Slayer's words. Staying in LA, haunted by memories of Doyle, would be impossible. "What do you think Cor? Is it time to go home?"

Cordelia looked around the lonely apartment then settled her eyes on the concerned faces of her friends. "Yeah," she whispered. "It's time to go home."

***********

Three weeks later, Angel had returned to the mansion and Cordelia had moved in with Buffy and Willow in a townhouse across the courtyard from Giles. Slowly she began to gain back the weight she had lost, but she was still plagued by fatigue and nausea. Finally, at Willow's insistence, she went to the doctor.

"Has Cordelia gotten back yet?" Buffy asked as she and Willow prepared dinner. "I hope that everything is okay."

"One of us should have gone with her. No matter what she said," Willow stated as she tore lettuce and threw it in a bowl. "I worry about her. She really loved him. To lose him like that..."

"Believe me, I know," the blonde Slayer said sadly. "And I feel so guilty. Angel and I are back together because of Doyle. It's not fair that he's not here."

"Well, Giles and I are researching it. Maybe there's a way to reopen the vortex and get him back."

Both women looked up as the door opened and Cordelia slowly walked in, followed seconds later by Angel. "Cordelia, what happened? You look like you've seen a ghost," asked Willow as she led Cordelia to the couch. "Angel, what's wrong with her? Do you know what the doctor had to say?"

"I caught up with her on Height Street." Angel shrugged as he sat next to Cordelia on the couch. "But she hasn't said a word to me."

At that moment Cordelia took Angel's hands in hers and smiled. "I'm pregnant," she whispered and then repeated more loudly. "I'm pregnant."

"Pregnant?" Buffy smiled, "That's wonderful."

"I know," the dark-haired woman stated as she placed a protective hand over the growing life in her womb.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Somehow she made it through. After sixteen hours of labor, Cordelia gave birth to a tiny girl named Fracine Angelina Doyle. A small inheritance from her grandmother supplemented the money she earned as owner of the Sunnydale branch of a Los Angeles boutique and allowed her to spend many hours with her daughter.

The years went by. Her daughter grew into a charming little girl with Doyle's infectious smile and his impossibly bright blue eyes. Buffy and Angel finally admitted that they were meant to be together and made plans to be married. Willow became a powerful Wiccan and a successful software programmer. Oz found stardom but never forgot where he came from or who his true love was. And Xander and Anya, still fighting, became co-authors of a popular series of teen horror novels that were loosely based on the Slayer's adventures.

Cordelia wished her friends well as they moved on with their lives, finding joy in their happiness, and pleasure from her memories and the daughter that Doyle never knew. Her only unhappiness came when her friends would periodically encourage her to begin to date again.

Sighing, Cordelia rose to her feet and returned the wineglass to the kitchen. Placing the glass in the sink, she started down the hall to her bedroom, stopping at the sound of a soft knock on the front door. "Hey," Buffy said quietly when Cordelia opened the door. "Can we talk?"

Stepping back Cordelia waited for Buffy to enter. "Smart move. I guess you don't need a refresher in Vamp 101." Cordelia stayed silent and slowly followed Buffy to the living room.

"Angel asked me to stop by. He was worried about you. He said you were pretty upset when he left."

"I'm okay," Cordelia said softly. "I just wish you'd all leave me alone about dating again."

"But it's not good to be alone. Trust me. I know." Buffy paced around the room. "I feel bad. Angel and I are so happy together. And you're alone. Cordy, you need someone."

"I have my daughter."

"But you need more."

"Do I?" Cordelia demanded. "Do I really need to involve someone else in the madness we call our lives? How do I explain an all night demon research party? Or better yet, how do I explain my daughter's heritage? Who's going to accept the fact that someday her eyes could turn red and she'll sprout little spikes all over her face?" Reaching out she grabbed the hand of the pacing Slayer. "But more importantly how can I lose hope?"

"Hope?"

"Buffy, you of all people should understand. When Angel changed, you couldn't just stake him. You wanted him back; even when everyone said it was impossible. And then you sent him to hell. Can you honestly tell me that you didn't dream of him coming back? And then, miraculously, he did. And even when you knew you couldn't be together didn't you fight it?" Buffy nodded in understanding as Cordelia quietly voiced the thoughts she had kept inside for so long. "And then Angel went to LA, swearing to leave you alone and let you have a normal life. But you were both miserable. Then suddenly you had a chance to be together, and this time it was for real. Don't you realize what I wish, I hope, for that same chance?" Fighting back tears, Cordelia buried her face in her hands. "Is that too much to ask for?"

Dropping to her knees beside the anguished figure, Buffy placed a comforting hand on Cordelia's shoulder. "Oh Cordy, I'm sorry. I didn't realize. But you know that Giles and Willow have researched that vortex and they can't figure out how to re-open it and control it."

Cordelia lifted her face and glared at the Slayer. "I know that. But it doesn't stop me from hoping that someday...Oh hell," she said bitterly. "We live on a Hellmouth that spits out any number of different demons on a fairly regular basis. Maybe I'll get lucky one day."

Buffy nodded sadly. "Yeah, I hope so. I'm sorry. I wish things could be different for you."

"I know. And if wishes were horses..."

"I'd be managing a stable." Slowly, Buffy rose to her feet. "I'll get Angel to lay off about the whole dating thing. You do what makes you happy."

"Thanks..."

After seeing Buffy out and locking the door, Cordelia returned to the living room and picked up the picture. "Please, find a way..." she whispered to it.

CONTINUE