Rating: R (Part 1 & 2) for a few swear words and mature content (issues of rape). Part 3 is NC-17 for consensual sex (C/D).
Summary: C/D hurt, comfort, eventual romance. Cordelia is a victim of date rape. Doyle helps her cope.
Spoilers: Nothing important
Disclaimer: All characters belong to the evil Joss Whedon. But I think he should be charged with character abuse. Big, Cruel Meanie!!!! The song lyrics are from She (Tous Les Visages de L'Amour). Words by Charles Aznavour and Herbert Kretzmer
Dedicated: To Andrea, Happy Birthday sweetie! Now write me that story!!!

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She
May be the reason I survive
The why and wherefore I'm alive
The one I'll care for through the rough and ready years
Me I'll take her laughter and her tears
And make them all my souvenirs
For where she goes I've got to be
The meaning of my life is

She, she, she

**********************

It seemed like an easy night, no visions, no new demons to face, just a card game with my buddies down at the pub. It was after midnight when I entered my apartment and locked the door. Smiling to myself as I threw my winnings on the dresser, I made mental plans to stop at the new coffeehouse around the corner from the office tomorrow morning. Cordelia loved their mochas even though she rarely allowed herself one. She claimed calorie content but I knew things were still tight for her and four-dollar coffees weren't a treat she could have regularly. But her favorite banana nut muffin and a mocha would be just the thing to lift her from her usual Monday morning blues. And I loved to see her smile.

I woke up about three, this feeling of something being horribly wrong running through my veins. Sleep was impossible after that. I'd no sooner start to doze off then the feeling would surge again. Something was wrong but unlike my usual visions, I couldn't get a handle on what it was. I was almost tempted to call Angel but what was I going to say? "Angel, something bad is happening. I don't know who or where but it's happening now. Go find it." He's good, but not that good.

On sleep deprived autopilot I walked into the office around nine, mocha and muffin in hand. At the sight of Cordelia's empty chair that bad feeling changed to outright fear. "Angel, where's Cordelia?"

"She left a message on the machine. Said she felt sick and was going to take the day off to rest," he explained as he walked in the room. "Probably a good idea, you wouldn't want to catch a cold would you? Sneezing could make life difficult."

"Yeah a cold," I replied, not reassured at all. "She probably was out too late on her date last night. Oh God..." As I said the words the vision I had expected all night finally came. A flash of strong hands gripping a woman's throat, the sight and sound of ripping fabric, Cordelia's terrified face..."

"No," I said to myself as the implications struck. "Angel, she's in trouble. I've gotta get over there." Leaving a confused Angel behind I tore out of the office and into the garage where I grabbed the keys to Angel's car and high-tailed it to Cordelia's place.

I cursed every light and intersection on the short drive to her apartment. Pulling into the unused parking space assigned to her unit, I kept praying that I was wrong. That she was okay. Hell, as much as it would suck, I was even willing to find her lounging in bed with her date from the night before. She'd be pissed at me for barging in but at least she'd be okay.

The door to the apartment swung open as I bounded up the steps. Not a good sign. "Cordelia?" I called out as I entered the apartment. "Are you okay?" I stepped carefully over a purse that had been carelessly dropped in the middle of the living room floor as I slowly crossed to her closed bedroom door. Once again the door opened without any help. "Something's wrong, isn't it Dennis?" I asked the spirit. "Our Cordy's in trouble."

I'd been in Cordelia's place a number of times and I knew she wasn't the neatest when it came to her bedroom. Closets were for shoes and the nearest piece of furniture would work to store clothes, so there were always some articles of clothing scattered around. But something about the trail of clothing that led to the bathroom door bothered me. I picked up a scrap of blue silk and froze as the image of ripping material from my vision flashed before my eyes. It was the same piece.

I could hear the shower running as I approached the bathroom door. "Cordy?" I said as I knocked. "It's Doyle. I'm gonna come in. I just want to make sure you're okay."

Entering the bathroom, I could tell by the condensation on the mirror that it had once been hot and steamy, now it was just cold and damp. "Cordelia?" Tentatively I put my hand on the frosted shower door. Taking a deep breath I tried to prepare myself for the worst as I opened the door.

"Oh Christ..." Ignoring the icy cold spray, I reached in and turned the faucet off, all the while keeping my eyes on Cordelia as she huddled on the floor in the corner of the shower stall. One eye was blackened and her lips were blue from the frigid water. A matching set of handprints circled her neck. But what was worse, what made me close my eyes for a second and pray for strength, were the bite marks on her breasts and the purple bruises I could see on her thighs as I pulled her to her feet.

She collapsed against me as I reached blindly behind me for a robe, a towel, anything to wrap around her and warm her. From a place beyond my reach her robe floated over and settled around her shoulders. "Thanks Dennis," I muttered as I picked her up in my arms and brought her to the bedroom.

Placing her on the bed I wrapped her in as many blankets as I could and then pulled her into my arms. "Dennis, get the phone." Within seconds the phone came sailing through the air. I grabbed it and quickly dialed 9-1-1. It seemed like forever before I heard the operator answer. "911. What is the nature of your emergency?"

"My friend has been beaten pretty badly. I'm pretty sure she was..." I paused, unable to bring myself to say the word. "She was assaulted."

"Is she conscious?"

"No, not really. Please send someone quickly. We're at the Pierson Arms, 2815 Henderson, Apartment 3."

"A unit is being dispatched. They should be there in five minutes."

I clicked the phone off and dropped it. Wrapping my arms tightly around her, I buried my face in her wet hair. "Oh Cordy, I'm so sorry. It'll be okay though, I promise you."

The five minutes it took for the ambulance to get there seemed like forever. Finally I heard them enter the apartment. Gathering my fragile burden; I met them in the leaving room.

They took her from me as I tried to explain what I thought happened. Working quickly, they examined Cordelia's injuries. "She's extremely cold," one stated. "Why?"

"She was on the floor of the shower when I got here. The water was like ice. I don't know how long she'd been like that."

"Okay, she's in shock. We're going to take her to Mercy Hospital. You can meet us there."

Helplessly I watched them wheel the stretcher out the door. I wanted nothing more then to be with her, but at the same time I knew I had to let the professionals do their job. My indecision was interrupted when the phone rang. "Yeah?" I bit out as I put it to my ear.

"Doyle? Is everything okay? You lit out of here so fast..."

I sighed and rested my head against the wall next to the phone. "No, it's not alright Angel. She's hurt bad."

"What happened?" he asked, fear filling his voice. I knew he cared for her as much as I did.

"That date she had last night? I guess he couldn't take no for an answer."

There was silence for several seconds as Angel thought over my explanation. "You mean..."

"Yeah," I said softly. "She's in shock. The ambulance just left. They're taking her to Mercy Hospital. Meet me there okay?"

"I will." Angel paused, "Doyle, she'll be okay. We'll make sure of it."

I took a ragged breath. "I hope so."

***********

Mercy Hospital was in the usual state of chaos you would find in any big city hospital. By the time I found someone who knew what was going on Angel had arrived by way of the city's tunnels.

A young woman doctor led us into a small room and closed the door. She glanced quickly at the chart she held in her hands. "Are you gentlemen related to Miss Chase?"

"We're her friends," I began quickly, "and the closest thing to family she has in L.A."

"I'm sorry but I really can't release patient information to any one except family."

I tensed, prepared to grab the doctor by the collar and demand to know how Cordelia was. Angel put a calming hand on my shoulder and spoke to the doctor earnestly. "Look, say I'm her brother or something. But there's no one else Cordelia can call."

The doctor nodded in understanding, "Okay then, your sister received a pretty severe beating. Two of her ribs are broken. Her throat is bruised and she has a concussion from a blow to the head. When she was brought in her body temperature was several degrees lower then normal. Her chart says she was found in the shower?"

"I found her there. The water was ice cold."

"In a way it makes sense." The doctor paused before continuing. "She was raped."

"I thought so, I had hoped not but..." My voice trailed off as my eyes filled with tears. Brushing aside Angel's comforting hand I walked to the window and stared out through a crack in the closed blinds. Behind me the doctor continued speaking to Angel.

"We completed a rape kit but I'll be honest, we didn't get much. She said he had a condom and the shower washed away what little else there was. But we've given her a prescription for the morning after pill just in case, as well as some antibiotics for any STD's we can treat now. She's going to need to come in every six months for an HIV test for the next two years." The doctor stopped speaking. I guess she could tell that Angel was getting overwhelmed. "Listen, here's the name and number of the local rape crisis center. They'll be able to help her."

I heard Angel take the card and thank the doctor. Turning to face them I made a conscious effort to control my raging emotions. "Can I see her? Please?"

The doctor put her hand on my arm. "She's going to need you to be strong."

It was both a statement and a question. "I know. I'll be okay."

The doctor led us through the busy ER to a quiet, semi-private room at the end of a hall. Through the glass and half-drawn curtain I could see Cordelia lying small and broken on the bed.

"We're going to be moving her to a room on a regular floor in a bit. We'd like to keep her overnight in order to keep an eye on that concussion. She's sleeping now, but you can sit with her if you'd like."

We mumbled our thanks as the doctor turned and walked away. "Listen," I said to Angel, "can you get me a cup of coffee?" I laughed bitterly. "I didn't sleep well. I kept thinking something was wrong."

Angel disappeared without a word and I entered the room. Reaching the bed I pulled over a nearby chair and sat down. Taking her hand in mine I slowly ran my thumb over the back of her fingers. Angel soon returned with coffee and took up a silent vigil of his own on the opposite side of the bed.

About an hour later Cordelia began to stir, trapped in a nightmare. "Hey," I said as I gave her hand a squeeze. "Cordelia, wake up. It's okay now." Pulling her hand from mine she tried to sit upright, groaning as the pain from her broken ribs hit her. Angel and I were on our feet in an instant, gently supporting her and helping her lie back down.

"Doyle? Angel?"

"Yeah darlin, we're here." My heart broke as her eyes filled with tears and she began to weep bitterly. I motioned Angel back as I perched carefully on the side of the bed. With one hand I took hold of her hand while I gently brushed her tangled hair off her face with the other. "It's okay, " I whispered. "Cry it out. It'll make you feel better."

"It'll never feel better," she said sadly. I wanted to argue with her but I could understand how she was feeling. Instead, I settled for grabbing a tissue and gently wiping away her tears.

"I want to go home," she stated after a while.

"Cordelia, you can't." This came from Angel as he moved out of his dark corner. "They want to keep an eye on your concussion."

"Angel, they're just going to wake me up every hour. After all the knocks on the head Giles took you think I don't know the routine? You can do the same thing at my place. Please?" she pleaded. "I hate hospitals."

Fortunately I was saved from replying by the doctor's entrance. "Cordelia, how are you feeling?"

"Like hell," she said with a small bitter smile. "But I want to go home. Now."

"Cordelia, I'm not sure that's such...

"A good idea. I know. So sign me out AMA and I'll be on my way." Slowly she pulled herself up into a sitting position and swung her legs over the side of the bed. "Angel and Doyle can check up on me tonight."

The doctor looked at Angel and I as we shrugged helplessly. "Okay, I'll sign you out but you have to promise me that someone will stay with you tonight."

"Not a problem, doc." I quickly interjected.

The doctor nodded. "Okay then, I don't suppose either of you gentlemen thought to bring Cordelia a change of clothes? I didn't think so," she said as our faces fell. Turning to Cordelia she took her hand. "I have a pair of sweats in my locker if you'd like to borrow them. They're clean. In theory I'm supposed to work out on my lunch hour. Unfortunately my last lunch hour was about six months ago."

"That would be nice," Cordelia said as she fingered the drab hospital gown.

"No problem. I'll be right back."

Angel and I were quickly chased from the room as the doctor returned and began to help Cordelia dress. We stood in the corner of the hallway as I fumbled in my pocket for the car keys. "The sun's set. Could you please go get the car?" I held up my shaking hands. "I don't think I'm in the best shape to drive right now."

"Of course." He took the keys and turned to go down the hallway. "Oh hell." Grabbing hold of me, he gave me a quick, hard hug. "Doyle, she's going to be okay. It's going to take awhile but she'll be okay. We'll help her."

"I know, now go get the car." I said as Cordelia emerged from her room in a wheelchair pushed by the doctor.

*********

When we got to Cordelia's apartment I hurried around to her side of the car and lifted her into my arms.

"Doyle! What are you doing?"

"I've had a few broken ribs of my own. I know moving hurts like hell. So just stay still. Let me carry you." She didn't argue, just rested her head against my shoulder and put her arm around my neck. I was glad she didn't fight me because then I would have had to admit that the real reason I carried her was that I didn't want to let go of her ever again.

We entered the apartment and I tried to set her down gently on the sofa. "No. My room, please? I want to put my own clothes on."

Without saying anything I changed directions and took her to her bedroom. Carefully depositing her on the bed I went to her closet. "What do you want? I'll get it."

She closed her eyes for a second before speaking. "There's a blue denim shirt on the top rack and a pair of gray sweatpants on the bottom shelf. Could you bring them to me please?"

I quickly found what she asked for and turned back to the bed. "Hey, where are you going?" I asked as I stopped her from standing up.

"I need underwear."

"Cordelia, which drawer?"

"Second one down," she admitted. "And don't paw around too much."

A half-smile crossed my face at this small sign of the spunky Cordelia of only the day before. "I wouldn't dream of it." I quickly grabbed a delicate piece of silk and handed them to her. As I turned to leave the room and allow her privacy to change she spoke, causing me to freeze in mid-step.

"Doyle?"

"Yes Cordelia?"

"You're right, it really does hurt to move. Would you please help me change?"

I caught my breath at this sign of her trust in me. Oh God, I thought to myself, don't let me fuck this up. "Of course sweetheart, whatever you need." I returned to the bed and sat down behind her. "How about this? We'll do the shirt first?"

She nodded, and began to slowly pull her arms from the sleeves of the sweatshirt. When they were finally free I carefully pulled the shirt over her head, exposing the smooth skin of her back and the thick bandages that bound her ribs. Grabbing the denim shirt I held it as she slipped her arms in and pulled it closed in order to button it. When she was done I stood and gently helped her to her feet.

"Trust me?" I asked as a way of getting permission to proceed.

She nodded once again and I knelt in front of her. Carefully I reached up under her shirt for the waistband of the borrowed sweatpants and slowly slid them down over her long legs. Placing cool hands on my shoulders for balance she gracefully stepped out of them. I grabbed the panties from the bed and held them out for Cordelia to step into. She did and I carefully averted my eyes as I raised the material up her legs and over her hips. I tried to repeat the same actions with her sweatpants but my eyes drifted for a second and were caught by the sight of the bruises on her thighs as they appeared just below of the hem of her shirt. Without thinking, I stopped and ran my fingers over them. "Oh Cordy," I whispered, "I'm so sorry."

I felt her tense and I quickly continued pulling up the sweatpants. When I stood up, there were tears leaking from beneath her closed eyelids. I thought for a second about what she probably needed and what I knew I needed. Finally I took her in my arms. She remained rigid for several seconds before slowly relaxing against me. As I tried to run my fingers through her hair they quickly got tangled. "Okay sweetheart, how about I get your hairbrush and we'll do something about this?" I asked softly.

I could barely feel her nod of agreement against my shoulder. As I let her go in order to search for her hairbrush it appeared by my side courtesy of Dennis. Sitting down on the bed I leaned back against the headboard. Cordelia sat down with her back to me and I began the slow, careful process of brushing her hair.

Cordelia's eyes were closed and she never noticed Angel come to the door and look in anxiously. He nodded silently as I motioned him away with a sharp movement of my head. A few minutes later I heard the soft sounds of a jazz station come on as he turned on the radio.

Finally I put the brush down on the nightstand. "You should get some sleep now," I said quietly. Cordelia turned and I suddenly felt myself drowning in the sorrow reflected in her eyes. "Oh, lass..." I said as I placed a tender kiss on her forehead. I was stunned when she lifted her lips to meet mine. For a second my spirits soared as my favorite dream came to life. But reality crashed in a mere moment later when she tried to deepen the kiss. I pulled away, my breathing ragged. "Cor, princess, stop. Please?"

She dropped her head onto my shoulder, embarrassed. "But why?" she asked. "I thought you wanted this? Wanted me?"

I took a deep breath as I thought about what to say; knowing what I said next was probably the most important thing I'd ever say in my life. "Sweetheart I do. More then you can imagine. But you're hurting right now and not just physically. I don't want to add to that hurt. When, if anything happens between you and I it'll be for the right reasons, not because you're looking to forget." I could feel her silent tears soaking my shirt. Feeling helpless I wrapped her in my arms and held her tightly.

"This changes everything doesn't it?"

"It doesn't have to," I replied as I tipped her head up to face me. "Nothing's changed about how I feel. I still think you're an incredibly beautiful woman that I would love to know better."

She tipped her head back down into my neck and whispered so softly I had to strain to hear her. "How can you think that? I feel so dirty. Like this was all my fault somehow."

I started to get angry then. I could only imagine what she was going to tell me, probably the same line of bullshit the bastard that did this to her said. "Cordelia," I said fiercely, "none of this is your fault. I don't care what you wore or how much this jerk says he spent on dinner. Hell, he could have flown you to Paris for dinner and it wouldn't have mattered. If you said no, at any point, he should have stopped."

"That's what I keep trying to tell myself but..."

"No buts. That's all there is to it."

"Okay." She was silent for a while, curled carefully into my chest. "Doyle?"

I made a soft noise to let her know I was listening and she continued, "Would you stay here with me tonight? I don't think I want to be alone. Would you just hold me?"

"I wasn't planning on going anywhere, Cor." Carefully we shifted position until we were lying comfortably on the bed. We settled like spoons, Cordelia's back to me, with my body wrapped protectively around her. As I pushed her long hair away from my face I exposed the smooth skin of her neck. Unable to help myself, I pressed my lips to her skin.

"Doyle? What are you doing?"

"Just relax sweetheart. Nothing's going to happen. It was just too tempting to pass up," I said with what I hoped was a small laugh. I had taken a chance doing that but I wanted to prove to her that my feelings about her hadn't changed. That I still found her desirable.

"I wish..."

"Wish what?" I prompted as my hand began to trace a gentle path up and down her arm. I could feel her body trembling and I braced myself for whatever she was about to say.

"I'd never been with anyone before. That was my first time. I wish it could have been with someone special, someone like you."

Oh just shred my heart a little smaller I thought to myself. I propped my head up on my hand and shifted our positions until she was facing me. "Oh Cor, what happened to you. That doesn't count. That's not making love. That was violence and brutality and about as far from true intimacy as you can get. I promise you, someday, when you're ready, you'll see what the difference is."

"And you'll be there?" she asked shyly.

"Luv, I'd be honored." I followed that statement with a quick kiss on her lips, pleased when she smiled in return. "Now why don't you get some sleep?"

She nodded in agreement and we snuggled together again. I resumed my gentle stroking of her arm and soon felt her relax as she drifted off to sleep. Angel came in a few minutes later to check on her. I assured him that she had only just fallen asleep and that she was okay. After making him promise to check on her in an hour I chased him out of the room and finally allowed my own exhaustion to claim me.

CONTINUE