STAR ME KITTEN

He dashed out of the seedy motel room and knocked on Scully's adjacent door.

"What the hell do you want, Mulder?" She stood in the half open door and looked at him with a murderous intent in her eye. Mulder secretly thanked some deity for the fact that she had not yet undressed, so she couldn't use the "I'm not dressed to go out" excuse on him.

"C'mon, Scully, we still got some work to do."

Her tone was skeptical and oh-so-Scullyish. "I thought we solved the case."

"Yeah, we did but we still have another case to, uh, dispose off." Mulder grinned as he thought to himself *a case of beer.*

"Sure. Fine. Whatever." Scully grabbed her purse. He caught her hand and pulled the purse from it.

"Leave it here, Scully. Be impulsive."

She shrugged, dropped the purse, and followed him down the hall.

*****

The Brothel Bar
Nighttime

As they stepped into the smoke-filled room, Scully said, "I think you brought me here under a false pretense, and have engaged in several duplicitous actions."

"Not several, only one." They had to scream to be heard over the really bad music the bar was playing. Mulder wasn't quite sure, but he thought it was the Goo Goo Dolls. They sat down at the bar. Mulder had a screwdriver, but Scully couldn't order anything alcoholic. The bartender kept demanding ID.

"Scully, you should have brought your purse."

She gave him an icy glare, then walked out of the bar. A few minutes later she returned with her purse, presented her driver's license, and ordered a margarita.

Mulder watched as she guzzled it down. This case must have been hard on her.

He mentally calculated her weight, the alcohol content of her drink, her tendency to rarely drink, and decided that one and a half more margaritas would get her toasted.

He ordered two more.

Scully looked at Mulder, calculated his weight, tendency to drink, and the alcohol content of his screwdriver. When he turned to scan the bar, she whispered to the bartender to make his next drink a double. Two more like that and he should be slightly tippy.

She almost laughed out loud at the thought of calling him Mr. Tippy. Like that Comity girl's lassa-alpso-whatschamacallit.

In the right-hand corner of the bar, some guy got up on a small stage, and with a microphone in his hand, said "Okay, it's 11:21 p.m., which means..."

"KARAOKE TIME!!!!!!!" The crowd all joined in with the man, and Scully decided that this must be a ritual around this one-horse-and-a-beat-up-Ford town.

Some guy with a pot belly sticking out from his flannel shirt got up on the stage. "I'd uh- like to dedicate this 'ere song to that there purty lil redhead at the bar who's drinkin' a marrrrrgarritaaaaa...."

The guy slurred on the last word, and then the crowd yelled, "Go for it, Joe Billy Bob!"

Meanwhile, Scully had the urge to retch. She looked over at Mulder, thinking he would be jealous. But he was laughing. Bastard thought it was amazing. She smacked him on the arm.

Joe Billy Bob began his song, skipping a few words, even though they were right in front of him on the monitor. When he got to the chorus, the whole bar, including Mulder but excluding Scully, sang along. At the top of their lungs.

"WASTING AWAY AGAIN IN MARGARITAVILLE! SEARCHING FOR MY LOST SHAKER OF SALT!!"

Scully groaned. All of a sudden, she had a headache. She had another margarita, and it made her feel better.

But then she felt worse when Joe Billy Bob passed out on the stage. And she knew she was going to die when Mulder flashed that grin of his, walked up to the stage, and took the mike from the now sleeping Joe Billy Bob.

Mulder grinned at Scully from the stage. In her expert medical opinion, she told the bartender, "He's fucking whacked!"

The bartender nodded, and gave a small, far-off smile. "Yeah, but he's gorgeous! Oh, by the way, my name is Alex. Alex Krycek."

Scully shook his hand. "Nice to meet you." She turned back to Mulder.

Mulder raised the mike to his lips. "Alright. Just something I picked up. A knack of going along with someone else's song and putting myself into it..."

Mulder's words faded out as Scully covered her ears with her hands and shook her head. Mulder gave her another goofy grin.

The strains began and Scully recognized the song...Oh God no, it can't be.

"This is for you, baby!" Mulder began singing and Scully groaned. Anything but Star Me Kitten. She would rather listen to the Sound of Music.

In all cuteness, Mulder was fully launching his drunken spirit into his performance. He pointed directly at her.

"Youuuuu! Meeeeeee! We used to be on firrrrre. If keys are all that stand between, can I throw in the ring? No gasoline..."

Oh, no, Scully thought, here it comes.

"Just fuck me kitten you are wild! And I'm in your posession."

Scully was a deep shade of embarassed.

"Just FUCK me, kitten, you are WILD!! I'm in your possessionnnn, so fuck me kitten."

The song died, but the applause had just been born. Mulder took his bows, the crowd cheering and tossing bouquets of beer nuts.

Mulder strolled back over to the bar. With yet another childish grin, he asked, "So what did you think?"

Scully stood to confront him. "Mulder, I..." was all she got out of her mouth as Mulder blew right past her.

"Not now, Scully," he said and gently pushed her away. He folded his arms on the bar and looked up at Alex Krycek. "So, like I was saying, Alex, what did you think?"

Scully stormed out of the bar.

THE END

Author's Notes:Okay no flames for that twist at the end please, you read this knowing it was a silly, senseless piece of mind candy in an alternate X-Files Universe!