Three months on and I'm laying in my lover's arms smiling...and not feeling guilty that I can smile when Buffy will never smile again, that she's...gone.
Dead.
It's hard to even think that word, but she *is* dead.
I never thought she would be the first.
No, it would be me or Xander or even Giles, but not Buffy. She was the Slayer, the very best Slayer there has ever been, and she always seemed to be able to beat everything. Even when she came away bruised, she was never broken. Fighting the demons, stopping the apocalypses were pieces of cake next to the other things she struggled with. She lost Angel and she went on, she lost Riley and her mom, and she fought her way through the pain.
Even losing Dawn to Glory, though it slowed her down, didn't stop her.
But, when I was in her mind, helping her work through her moment of surrender, helping to bring her back to us, I realized something.
Buffy was tired, so very tired, and it hadn't been gradual. All of a sudden, she didn't want to fight anymore. She wanted to end it. The burdens which she had shouldered so easily suddenly became too much.
Sometimes I wonder--when I play the 'what if' game--if Buffy had gotten to Dawn before the blood began to flow, thus averting the end of the world for the half dozenth time, would she have quit being the Slayer? Would she have walked Dawn off that scaffolding and over to Giles and said 'that's it, I'm done'?
I think she might have.
And we all would have fought it, tried to convince her to change her mind, and I think, that if we had succeeded, she would have died soon anyway.
She was tired of the burden, tired of saving the world, tired of being the It Girl.
Spike and I talked about it a couple weeks ago, in one of his saner, more sober moments. He told me that all Slayers have a death wish, that human girls, even super strong ones, aren't made to fight forever. Their hearts and minds get in the way, and even though their bodies can keep fighting, their souls can't.
He had hoped that Buffy would be different.
He didn't say that, but I could see it in his eyes.
He misses her.
I miss her, too. Even though I have Tara back, and I'm so grateful for that, my thoughts are often on Buffy. I loved Buffy as my best girl friend, as my sister, and her loss left a hole inside me that Tara, with all her love for me and all the love I have for her, can't fill.
I never had many friends. That Xander and I found each other is a miracle, but there were never any real girl friends for me. Xander had his guy friends, but when he wasn't with me, I was alone.
Until Buffy came into my life and changed it in too many ways to count.
I'm so grateful for that, for her, and I'll miss her forever.
And though I'll always mourn her, life must go on. Dawn told us that was what Buffy wanted, for us all to live.
At first it was almost impossible to do that, but gradually, as time passed, the very simple acts of living filled the days. Three months have passed, sometimes at a snail's pace, sometimes in the blink of an eye, and the summer is nearly over. School begins in a few weeks and Tara and I spent the day discussing what classes to take.
At one point, my heart constricted in my chest as the thought that Buffy would never take another class filled me with sorrow.
But, the next moment came and then the next and then we were discussing which optional gym class to take.
It's like that more and more. Little things will make me think of Buffy and, for that moment, the pain of losing her is so intense, but then it fades and life continues.
It's what she wanted.
So, three months on that's what I'm doing in the arms of the woman I love. Living. It's not always easy, but then when was it ever?
Buffy's legacy was our lives. I'm not about to waste the gift she gave me.
End