RATING: I'm gonna say PG for upsetting situations.
SPOILERS: Season 5, The Gift in particular
SUMMARY: This is my take on the fallout from 'The Gift', from Xander's POV.
(Like I'd pass up this much angst!)
DISCLAIMER: All characters in this story from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are
owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Kuzui Enterprises.
DISTRIBUTION: I'll say yes, but please let me know where it'll be living.
DEDICATION: To Laura, who is my Hero. She knows why.
THANKS: To Amy, for needing to buy stock in Kleenex.

The Arrangements
By Tracy Girlie
-----

Xander’s POV

I can’t believe we’re sitting here like this. I mean, we always knew, given
the circumstances, that this day would come, and yet we’re all completely
unprepared for it. Up until now, being a Slayerette was all about
surviving. Until surviving didn’t happen. Now we’re about grief.

There’s been plenty of that to go around the last two days.

With the exception of Anya, who spent yesterday in the hospital, we’ve been
together nearly every moment since it happened. I spent a few hours in
Anya’s room, until the doctors chased me away, and only returned to pick her
up when they released her. She’s bandaged and bruised, but feeling okay now
that the concussion has subsided.

Since then, we’ve mostly been at Buffy’s house. I thought we’d have to deal
with all the monsters that emerged from the portal, but all of them just
seemed to go *poof* when Buffy slammed the door on them. So, we’re at her
house now, sharing the grief and dealing with it on a group basis. Doesn’t
make it any easier to deal with, but it makes it easier in your head knowing
the people closest to your heart had a part of themselves ripped away too.

It’s odd being in Buffy’s house without Buffy. I’m sure it’s strangest for
Dawn, but it’s weird for the rest of us too. The house seems different.
It’s quieter. Less lively. Darker. Like part of the light has gone away.
It’s turned out to be the perfect place to grieve and reflect. We’re each
trying to deal in our own way, and being in a place that holds so many
memories of Buffy is helping us all.

Tara and Willow have spent hours wrapped around each other, taking turns
sobbing and comforting.

Giles hasn’t cried much; being stoic English-Watcher-guy, I imagine he was
taught not to at some point. But it goes beyond that. While the rest of us
feel bad, he’s got a big ol’ sandbag of guilt on his shoulders. You can see
it in his slumped posture. His eyes. He’s blaming himself. And, as I
glance around the room, I don’t think he’s the only one.

Dawn’s been sitting with me for a while, resting her head on my shoulder
while she lets Anya pat her hand, and she follows my line of sight and
notices Giles as well. Dawn’s been taking turns hugging each of us, and
spending countless minutes sitting on our laps and letting us stroke her
hair while we tell her how well we’re going to take care of her. She seems
almost as detached as Giles is trying to be. She hasn’t shed very many
tears yet. She seems to only cry when one of us does as we hold her. Or if
she’s with Spike. She cries the whole time she’s sitting with him. But
that could be because Spike hasn’t *stopped* crying yet. It’s just
different degrees of flow with Spike.

“Giles,” Dawn calls softly. “Don’t.”

He looks up at her and looks away quickly. Giles is having trouble with eye
contact right now. He’s afraid that we’ll see that he thinks he let Buffy
down. Not that we couldn’t tell from looking at everything else about him.
He tries to offer Dawn a small smile. “Er, I’m sorry, Dawn. Would you like
something to eat?”

“Don’t change the subject either,” Dawn complains, scrambling off my lap and
crossing the room to him. I’m sure it’s harder for Giles to let her sit
with him than the rest of us. He just doesn’t seem used to that kind of
physical contact. That it’s from a teenage girl who’s trying to take and
offer comfort makes it harder for him. It’s hard for him to let his guard
down. To let Dawn in.

Now especially.

But he opens his arms and lets her settle into his lap all the same.

Dawn’s careful of his wound, leaning away from it and putting her weight on
his legs, and once she’s comfortable, she slowly pulls his face to look at
hers. “Don’t,” she repeats.

I can see his eyes fill with tears from clear across the room. “It’s my
fault,” he murmurs. “I should have found another way. We should have found
where Glory had you before anything...”

“It’s my fault,” Spike interrupts. “I was supposed to get Lil Bit down from
the tower before they could cut her…” He hides his face in his hands as his
tears start anew.

“No,” Willow whispers, “It’s my fault. I should have looked harder when we
were researching for something to stop Glory. I was just so preoccupied
with getting Tara better…”

Dawn closes her eyes against the flood that’s just behind her eyelids. “I
have to say something, and everyone has to pay attention.” She looks around
the room at us apologetically. “It’s just … I don’t know that I’ll be able
to say it more than once.”

Anya leans closer to me, and I wrap my arm around her, knowing this is
important. Dawn hasn’t said much of anything since it happened, and if she
wants to talk now, there’s a reason. Willow and Tara give her their full
attention, as does Spike, whose face is still streaked with tears, although
he’s no longer crying.

Dawn closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. “Buffy talked to me for a
minute, before…” She trails off and seems to lose her voice as she opens her
eyes again. But she’s not seeing us, or anything, as she stares blankly for
a moment. Then recognition seeps back into her face, and she smiles, just a
little. I’d give anything to know what’s making her smile like that. Like
whatever she’s thinking of hurts, and is wonderful at the same time.

Dawn finally turns to Giles and kisses his cheek softly, which seems to free
the tears from Giles’ eyes as they finally fall. “She told me to tell you
that she figured it out. That it was Summers blood that would close the
portal, not just mine. She was proud of that, Giles, that she was able to
figure it out and save me.” Dawn’s eyes look down to her hands, clasped
tightly together, as she continues. “I saw her eyes when she decided. She
really was okay with it. I… I don’t think she was just thinking about the
Slayer duty, when she decided to jump. She was thinking of us, and she was
glad to be able to help us. To save us.”

Anya lets out a pained, low moan and buries her face in my shoulder. I pat
her awkwardly, my eyes still riveted on Dawn and Giles. They both look so
haunted. Dawn looks back up and her eyes travel to each of us before she
continues. “I don’t know if it’s because I was the Key, or because I’m her
sister or what, but I could feel her…” She looks back into Giles’ eyes, and
he stares steadily back, almost as if he needs to know. Dawn’s voice is
quiet as she goes on. Quiet, but proud, and strong. “She was fine, Giles.
She jumped, and she was surprised at first by the feel of the energy, and
then she sort of came to peace with it, and then she just… wasn’t. She
didn’t feel pain, or hurt, or scared.” Dawn pauses, her voice breaking as
she continues, “The energy was a part of me, Giles, and I would never let it
hurt her. I like to think that the energy felt like a hug from me. All
around her, y’know? She’s my sister and I love her.”

Dawn loses her composure for a minute, her face crumpling under the strain
of what she has to say. She looks like she’s trying to be so strong, but
she is only fifteen, and she’s had to go through so much the last few
months. More than someone in their fifties should have to go through in
their lifetime. That’s one thing she has in common with Buffy – they both
had their innocence stolen way too early. After a few moments of her
soundless sobs, Spike gets up and moves to her, enfolding her in a soft
embrace. Giles sighs a little and kisses Dawn’s cheek in return, a
thank-you of sorts, for letting us know.

It’s long moments before Dawn can get herself under control to continue, and
in that time, I realize I’ve been crying too. I nervously wipe away the
tears with my sleeve as Dawn leaves Giles and steps over to Tara and Willow.
Willow’s entire face is red from crying so much, but she bravely stares up
at Dawn. Tara has cried less, and seems to be supporting Willow right now.
Dawn takes a deep breath and leans forward. She kisses Tara’s forehead
first, and then Willow’s. “You’re her friend,” Dawn says quietly to Tara.
“And she loves you.”

Tara’s smile is small, but genuine.

Dawn turns to Willow, who is trying to hold back her tears. Dawn bends
forward and puts her hands on either side of Willow’s face. “You’re her
friend, her confidant. She loves you in a way she couldn’t love anyone
else, Willow. You’re so important to her.” Willow’s breath catches on a
sob, and she smiles up at Dawn through her tears, and pulls her close for a
hug. Dawn returns the hug and they stay like that for a few moments,
rocking back and forth.

Dawn moves over to Anya and me, and squats down to where we sit. She kisses
Anya’s forehead softly, similar to what she did for Tara, and Anya tries to
smile. “You’re her friend Anya. She didn’t understand you a lot of the
time, but she knew you cared. She loves you.”

Anya looks sadder than I’ve ever seen her. She buries her head in my
shoulder as Dawn turns to me.

Dawn gently takes my face in her hands and kisses my cheek. Her blue eyes
are full of unshed tears as she stares into mine. I can feel the wetness on
my cheeks, and even though I know what she’s going to say, when she says it,
I know I’ll break. “You’re her friend, Xander. Once, during a fight with
Buffy, I complained that I wanted a brother, and she said we already had one
– you.” I close my eyes, grateful for the words Dawn is giving me, and
bracing myself for I know she will say next. “She loves you so much Xander.
You take such good care of us and make us laugh so much.” It’s the
present tense of the words that sets me off. I don’t cry a lot. But her
words set loose a torrent that’s been steadily building since we found
Buffy, not moving, not breathing. Anya’s there right away, and then Dawn
pulls me close, resting her forehead on mine. “Xander…” she whispers.

“Dawnie,” I breathe between gasps. “It hurts.”

“I know,” she answers. And there’s nothing more to say about it. We all
hurt more than a person should ever have to. “I know,” she says again, and
even her voice sounds like it’s in unbearable pain. “But she gave herself
so we could live, Xander. And as soon as I remember how, that’s what I’m
going to do.”

I nod dumbly, wondering when Dawn got so smart and wise. I know I sure as
hell was dumb as a post when I was fifteen. “Me too,” I answer. “I’ll be
right there with you, Dawnie, I promise.”

Her blue eyes meet mine, and she says the thing that makes me smile, even
through all pain in my chest. “We’ll all be there. Even Buffy.”

I know what she means. I know she’s talking about Buffy living on through
us by making sure we actually live the lives she saved for us. I know she’s
subtly referring to the fact that the monks made Dawn out of Buffy, and as
long as Dawn’s here, Buffy is too. But it’s the fact that we’re all going
to begin living again together that makes me smile. Buffy would have loved
that. I reach up and touch her cheek, wiping away her tears, and she leans
into the comfort of my hand for a moment before she steps away. I am so
proud of her right now, I think my heart will burst.

Giles is still sitting where she left him, and Spike is still sitting on the
floor nearby, and I wonder as she approaches them how she’s going to get
through these last couple of goodbyes. And that’s what they are really.
Dawn saying goodbye from Buffy to all of us.

Giles’ face is streaked with tears, and he’s breathing shallowly. He tries
to put on his ‘brave’ face as Dawn settles into his lap again. “I was her
friend,” he murmurs softly to the girl in his arms.

Dawn shakes her head. “You *are* her friend,” she stresses. “And you’re
her Watcher, and you’re her strength and her pride and her father.” Giles
stares at Dawn, hope written clear on his face. Hope that he was, and is,
all those things. Dawn kisses his both his cheeks and then hugs him gently,
still careful of the wound in his side. “You made her better at everything
she did, Giles. Because she cared about what you would think. The only
other person who can lay claim to that is Mom. Buffy *loves* you, Giles.”

Giles’ arms tighten around Dawn, and he squeezes his eyes shut tightly as he
lowers his head to her neck. I see his shoulders rise and fall as he
breathes raggedly for a few moments, and then he pulls away slowly and
kisses Dawn on her forehead. “Thank you, Dawn.”

Dawn looks into his eyes and smiles softly. “Thank you,” she repeats,
inclining her head slightly. I know unspoken words pass between them in
that instant. Words about themselves, about Buffy and the things he did for
her, but they’re private and nothing is said aloud as Dawn slides off his
lap and to the floor at his feet.

“Buffy loves you too, Dawn,” Willow says sincerely, catching Dawn’s gaze.
“You’re everything to her. She was willing to let the apocalypse happen to
save you.” Willow pauses, trying to remember Buffy’s exact words. “Buffy
said, ‘The last thing Dawn’ll see is me protecting her’,” she quotes.

Dawn closes her eyes and a slight smile drifts across her face. “I know.
She told me she loves me. And I feel it.”

Spike stares steadily at the floor as Dawn inches over to him, sitting and
taking his hand. “She never loved me,” he mumbles.

Dawn shakes her head and then scoots into his line of vision. “You were her
enemy. You became her friend, whether she liked it or not. You were the
strength she could turn to when she needed to, and she appreciated you for
it. She trusted you.”

“She never loved me,” Spike repeats, and even I notice how pained he sounds.
I actually feel sorry for the guy, and think back to the night he was
bringing flowers after Joyce died. Turns out Spike does have feelings after
all. And sincere ones at that.

Dawn kisses Spike ever-so-softly on the cheek and pulls his head to her
chest, perhaps knowing that he is going to break any second. “Buffy only
trusts people she loves Spike. She doesn’t love you the way that you want,
but she loves you.” Dawn pauses. “She trusts you Spike, and I know that
because she invited you in.” That hadn’t occurred to me before now. That
Spike was able to walk in behind us when we came here. I can actually see
Spike’s heart break as the meaning of Dawn’s words sink into him. I’m
surprised at how much I hurt for him. Up until this moment, I still thought
of him as almost my nemesis. While the rest of us have been sobbing and
crying quietly over the last few days, he’s actually been *bawling* on
occasion. Mostly when he thinks the rest of us are asleep, but still…

Dawn’s eyes travel to each of us again as she holds Spike, who is weeping
and moaning out his pain. She looks so much older now. She looks so strong.
I thought she was going to be the basketcase out of all of us, and it
turns out she’s the rock and the anchor we need right now. I smile as the
thought occurs to me that no matter what those monks did or anyone says, she
is a true Summers.

Dawn’s next words are quiet, and we all feel them keenly. “Buffy decided to
go, and now we have to let her.”

Everyone remains silent, and I don’t know what everyone else is thinking,
but I’m busy silently telling Buffy I love her and making her some promises.
I promise to look after Dawn as well as I can. I promise to take care of
everyone in this room for her. I promise to live the long life that she
gave me, and I promise to always remember her. And to thank her everyday
for giving me those days. I hear a quiet sob to my right, and then Willow
launches herself at me, crying and murmuring nonsense. I look into her eyes
and I know instantly that she’s been scanning my thoughts. Maybe everyone’s
thoughts. She’s getting so powerful that sometimes I forget the things she
can do. “I do promise,” I repeat aloud.

She nods her head in a wobbly fashion and wraps herself around me, brokenly
whispering, “Me too.”

Now that the silence has ended, Giles clears his throat. “We should begin
to think about the arrangements. There are still many things to figure out
and decide.”

“The coffin doesn’t matter,” Dawn says quietly. “It’s just a box. It means
nothing.”

“What about the ceremony?” Giles prompts. “Do you want to have one?”

Dawn nods certainly, “Buffy deserves one.”

“Will your father want to--?” Giles starts.

“He’ll send flowers,” Dawn answers quickly. “He’s in Singapore. Can’t fly
back.” She pauses. “Won’t fly back.” She determinedly looks at Giles, and
then at Spike, still in her arms and shaking. “We’re the only people who
can decide this. No one knows where Riley is, and Angel hasn’t returned any
of Willow’s calls, so we’re the people who will do this for her.”

“We can have the ceremony in a couple of days,” Anya suggests quietly. “The
weather is supposed to be nice and sunny. Maybe she’d like that.”

Dawn is considering this when I speak, “No. It has to be at night.”
Everyone looks at me and waits for my explanation. “So Spike can be there.
And Angel maybe.” There. I’ve finally laid all my demons to rest. I’m
making sure my two enemies can be part of the arrangements. Because Buffy
loves them. The pettiness is over.

Spike lifts his head and stares at me steadily, and we come to an
understanding of sorts. “Thanks,” he croaks, with a voice harsh from crying
so much lately.

I nod once. We’re good now.

“We’ll have to decide what to put on the tombstone,” Tara notes softly.
“That will take them a day or so to get ready, so we should do that first.”

“How would we begin to describe her?” Willow asks. “She was so many
things.”

“A hero,” Anya notes. “She was a real hero.”

“She was more than a hero,” I reply. “She was Buffy.”

“She is *Buffy*,” Dawn corrects me. “She’s too important to all of us to
leave behind. No past tense. Ever.”

We all let this sink in for a moment.

“Buffy Anne Summers,” Giles murmurs.

“Beloved sister,” Dawn says proudly, accepting the hug Spike gives her.

“Devoted Friend,” Willow notes, smiling softly at my side.

“She saved the world,” I add, smiling at everyone.

A low chuckle escapes Spike and we all look at him, “A lot.”

“Yes,” Dawn breathes, smiling openly. We all approve of Spike’s addition,
realizing the truth of it and knowing how absurd it will look to passers-by.
“That’s what we need to say. That’s what everyone needs to know about
Buffy.” She reaches for our hands and soon we’re all moving forward in a
group hug, thinking of Buffy. We love her, and she loves us, and we’re
lucky it lasted as long as it did. We’re lucky we all know how we felt.
We’re lucky for being in each other’s lives, even through the darkness.

‘Buffy would love to be part of this hug,’ I think. And then I look around
me and realize the truth.

She always will be.

THE END


"All of the empty rooms
All of the silent space
Every warm embrace is you
Nothing is like it was
There's nobody here but us
I have been filled right up with this
Write down the words of sadness
Burn them in a cup
Write down the things you've wanted
Throw them to the wind that's soaring up to heaven”
~ Jann Arden, Waiting In Canada


Feedback