RATING PG
CONTENT Some violence, a few dirty words
SPOILER WARNINGS Nome as far as I can see
SUMMARY A parody of Melinda Dawney's "Friendship" and "Counterpoint"
DISCLAIMER Joss Whedon owns 'em, I don't. The original story here is Melinda Dawney's. I thank her for letting me do this.

Text encolsed in < > represents thoughts or feelings.


FRIENDLESS

by: Mediancat

Willow watched Buffy and Xander dance in the Bronze. A huge hand suddenly gripped her heart, hard. She turned around. Larry, copping a feel. She turned and ran, outside, before anyone she knew saw her. It was raining outside.< Look, the sky is crying too. > But the sky wasn't crying hard enough to step in front of speeding dumptrucks the way Willow did.

A strong hand grabbed and set her down on the sidewalk. She looked up in fear and panic and . . . . whoa, check out the hunk in the bikini briefs! Willow stared until brought back to her senses by a low-voiced "Are you okay" and a body moving in front of the billboard.

< Hey, get out of the way! Oh -- Angel. > His eyes burned into her, like he knew what she was thinking. And in this town, who's to say that wasn't possible? < It's an illusion. Eyes don't really stare into the soul. >

He smirked. < Did I say that out loud? Well, duhh -- unless he's turned into a mindreader. > She blushed, thinking of the hunk on the billboard. "I'm okay," she said shakily. "Um, you can let go now . . ." He released her and she stood there, shivering.

Willow said the first thing that came into her head, some silly question about Angel's clothes. < Alright, so I'm secretly interested in HIS underwear. > He just smiled again. Willow was amazed that he seemed not to be upset over Buffy and Xander's dancing. Or maybe he was just remembering that FANTASTIC band that had played at the Bronze.

Willow asked to go home, having the band on tape. AND a scantily clad picture of the guy in the bikini briefs. Angel said, "Let me escort you. I promise, I don't bite."

Willow snorted. < Sheesh, can't vampires come up with better lines? > She let Angel take her home anyway.

*************************************************************

They walked towards Willow's home, saying nothing. Willow tortured herself with the memory of Buffy and Xander's dance. Willow was something of a masochist. Suddenly Angel grabbed her from behind and said, "We're being followed." Willow's fear response took over and she took off running. Angel grabbed her around her breast; she resisted the urge to deck him. "I don't know who it is," he said, "Except that they're vampires." Well, no kidding. Who else EVER follows people around Sunnydale?

A car -- a truly HIDEOUS looking VW Bug, they would have had more luck staying undetected with big neon gsigns over their heads saying, "Hi! We're vampires! --" spun past them and skidded onto the sidewalk. Three sloppy, shabby-looking vampires piled out of the car -- which then went crashing into the house. Oddly, no one inside noticed. < Maybe the people of Sunnydale want to stay clueless about vampires, but THIS is ridiculous. >

They started slapping and poking each other and then dusted themselves off. Like anything short of a scrubdown with Comet would have cleaned THESE losers off. "Oh my goodness. They're -- they're --" Everyone paused in breathless anticpation for my next words. < How odd that the vampires are just standing around waiting to hear what I have to say. >

"They're YUCKY!" Angel looked at Willow in puzzlement and amusement. < Angel always did have a good sense of humor. > "Yuppies?" He echoed.

A good sense of humor. A LOUSY sense of hearing. He assessed the situation as if trying to figure out what to do. < Run. Fight. Die. This ain't rocket science -- > Suddenly he grabbed Willow by the arm and took off.

*************************************************************

Angel dragged Willow with inhuman speed through the back alleys of Sunnydale. It was exhausting work, and soon her lungs burned fire. Now if she'd BREATHED fire, the vamps would have been in trouble. Unfortunately, metaphor wasn't reality. Angel paused in an alleyway and Willow dropped to the ground.

"Go," she said. "I'll hold them off." < Fight vampires. Sprint three miles. I'm dead either way. > He looked at her in disbelief, picked her up and pinched her ass in the process, and sprinted for a nearby sewer entrance. For a place without a whole lot of town, Sunnydale seemed to have sewer accesses fuckin' EVERYWHERE. Angel cursed, and dropped Willow down into the tunnels. < Gross! This place is wet and it stinks. Who'd've expected it of a sewer? > Then he jumped down after her and began dragging her through the sewers.

Unfortunately, he had neglected to bring a light source, so they spent as much time slamming into walls as running through the tunnels. Conveniently, Angel held Willow up in front of him, so she took most of the impact. The three yucky vampires followed them.

Angel set her down on . . . dry stone? Then he ran off and Willow could hear fighting in the distance. A torch flickered on and Willow gasped in horror at the sight.

It was a computer hacker's worst nightmare. It was EXERCISE EQUIPMENT.

She screamed again and Angel came tearing in from wherever he'd been.

*************************************************************

"This is so disgusting," Willow said, careful not to examine any of the equipment too closely. < Exercise -- euuuuhh! > Angel got some weapons out of a hidden locker and stared at her quizzically. "What?" he asked. She answered, "Nothing," as innocent as a baby. < Yeah, like I'll tell YOU what I'm thinking right now. >

Angel lifted a quarterstaff and told me to run to the corner of the room. Willow did, expecting a secret passage. Instead, she smashed headlong into the wall and knocked herself out . . .

When she awoke, the two men were gone and Willow watched Angel beat the woman into a bloody pulp. Then . . . < What is he doing? > He went for her throat -- and DRANK her blood! She struggled, grew weaker, and collapsed into dust.

"I'm sorry you saw that," he said softly.

"Not half as sorry as I am," Willow answered. Angel approached and for a moment they just held each other. Then he reached for her neck, almost apologetically, and began to twist. For a moment she was horrified; then she was vouchsafed a vision of the future she would have if Angel DIDN'T kill her. She shuddered mentally and her last thought was one of profound gratitude.

Go on to COUNTERPLOT