SPOILERS: Season 4 BtVS, Season 1 Angel
RATING: R
CONTENT WARNING: Not for Angel fans (I love him really but like to play!)  Gore and violence. Riley death.
RELATIONSHIPS: Xander/Anya, Buffy/Riley, Spike/Spike.
SUMMARY: A Bizzaro World Master is accidentally transported to our reality and hooks up with a mad geneticist from UC Sunnydale and his-not-quite-human assistant Kevin. Mini Master is spawned, and as usual, wackiness ensues. On trying to return the Master to his home dimension, it seems everywhere else is Iowa......
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing, not even my mind. I think Joss has that too.
DEDICATION: Mike Myers, and my headmaster Mike Mayers. Trey Parker and Matt Stone(d) And Precious.

PART ONE

Spike was distracted. Bored and distracted in fact. No scratch that, bored, distracted and annoyed. In fact, you might even say bored distracted annoyed and homicidal. Not that it did him a lot of good, as no matter what he was, he was also still trapped in Giles’ living room with no hope of a break, since it was midday and he didn’t fancy flambe today. Pensively he glared invisible daggers at the ex-Watcher while he swung a pendant over a steaming chalice, chanting something Spike very much doubted he understood.

*Still. Better not to interrupt* he thought, before getting up to get himself a beer from the fridge, for once knowing there would be some because he’d put them there. Ignoring the couple making out on the kitchen table having long ago realised Anya and Xander didn’t have any more of a relationship than that, he’d slumped back onto the sofa and bit the cap off his beer bottle, looking totally nonplussed as a glowing blue sphere gently pulsed and grew under the pendant, before spitting his beer cap in a random direction. It bounced once off the coffee table, changing its trajectory to fly over Giles’ head, rebound off the wall behind him, and smack him in the back of his neck, causing him to cry out, and drop the pendant into the chalice;

"Bloody priceless Spike! now we’re going to have to start over!" Giles hissed, rubbing the back of his neck and ignoring Riley, who was laughing in that yokel way that everyone so loathed at the postponed spell. It was while Giles and Buffy were helping mop up the spillage that there was another massive flash of blue light, and above the chalice a portal began to widen;

"Look mate - it worked!" Exclaimed Spike, gesturing with his beer bottle at the portal,

"Big blue glowing thing, is that what we were making?" Asked Buffy

"Dimensional portal Buffy, and yes, that was what we were ‘making’ actually"

"Don’t all thank me at once, ungrateful little..." Spike never finished his insult, as before he could he ducked down as a howling gale started ripping itself out of the portal, dragging the curtains to strips, causing everyone to hide their faces, as before they knew what was going on heavy black boots crunched down in front of them, and as the gale stopped, they realised that the hideous, bat faced form of the Master was standing before them. Buffy was the first to spring forward but was thrown across the room with a scream, and could only watch as palming everyone on his way off, the Master made his way first for the door, and then for the nearest sewer entrance, disappearing before anyone had even got up;

"I killed him once! Why does everyone I kill come back!" screamed Buffy, trying to salvage the broken strap of her top, as Giles also picked himself up and Spike stood, dusting himself off;

"This is your fault" Giles’ voice was dangerously low as he advanced on the blond vampire, the portal still casting an eerie blue glow over them both, "If you were civilised and threw your beer caps in the rubbish, instead of *spitting* them, none of this would be happening you stupid litt- "

"Watch it Book Bloke, you push me often enough!" Spike lunged for Giles, smacking into Riley and scuffling for a few seconds before a voice startled them;

"Anyone seen the Batfink? I’m sure ‘ee went this way"

Everyone froze, and turned, looked at Spike who was still tangled with Giles and Riley and still had one fist raised, then looked back at the tall, blonde figure before them who’d stepped out of the portal, which was now closed. He was slim and agile looking, with mischievous ice blue eyes and short, slick hair, and was wearing all black apart from a shirt the colour of dried blood;

"’Scuse me, I’m not a waxwork, people. No staring without payment"

"But hang on, you’re..."

"Oh look - the Slayer! Any chance of getting back together, luv?"

"WHAT???!" Screeched Buffy, looking desperately at the three slack-jawed men on the floor, and drawing the stranger’s gaze with her.

"Well you’re a handsome bit a’fluff now aren’t you ...." he pouted, displaying his chiselled cheekbones even more, and stepped forward to help up the other vampire, and looking him over for a moment;

"You look familiar mate... we met?"

"Might say that.. you’re..Spike?"

"I am, and you’d be?"

"Well - I’d be Spike, as it ‘appens"



PART TWO




"So wait - you’re Spike. and so’s he" Xander rubbed his temples as his excuse for a brain tried vainly to cope with the concept of two Spikes,

"That would be right. This other Spike doesn’t belong in our reality and he... now that’s a point. Exactly *why* did you tear through that portal?" Asked Giles

"Like I said" Spike Mark 2 explained, lighting a cigarette and tossing the pack to his other self, "I was chasin’ after the Master, suddenly the world goes all blue ‘n swirly and I’m completely sober, an’ ‘ere I am"

"Which also begs the question *why* were you chasing him?"

Spike rolled his eyes and gave Giles a look that very definitely said "duh" - he knew, the Buffy of his own world taught him it;

"Well ‘ees a bad man, isn’t ‘ee" he said quietly, "Now are we goin’ to stand about chit-chattin’ or are we goin’ to catch the bugger?"

*******************************************************************

Having successfully hidden himself for three nights in the stock cupboards of UC Sunnydale, The Master now thought it safe to venture out and collect the "science experiment" his associate had been working on. Quite how he’d ended up in this dimension where so it seemed the vampires still hadn’t managed to seize control he didn’t know or care, as it presented an opportunity. Why stick in one world when you can conquer others?

The biological sciences department was of course at the very top of the building, and badly lit - of course. I mean, what self-respecting mad geneticist would live in a well-lit ground floor lab? Not this one, as it seemed, who appeared to only be five feet tall and wore a Hawaiian shirt and a straw Panama at all times.

"Ahh well there you are! Have you come to collect our child?" the geneticist rasped. He was very proud of his husky rasp, it had taken years to perfect,

"Is he ready?" The Master asked, gleefully, "I hope so.. I miss my Colin"

"Yes he’s ready Master, in fact, he’s perfectly ready for your inspection" he led the Master over to a suitably darkened table, and almost made the fierce vampire trip over his own assistant;

"What the hell is that?!"

"Oh that’s Kevin, my assistant"

"What is he? He doesn’t look like anything!"

"That’s not important right now," the geneticist rasped, pulling back the sheet with a flourish that had also taken years to perfect; "Here he is, isn’t be beautiful!"

The tiny creature who’d been patiently laying under the sheet sat up and grinned; he had bat-like features, no hair, elongated ears and ugly mottled skin, and when he exposed his teeth you could see that they were horribly long and sharp. The little creature held out his arms and let the Master help him down from the table, as behind him, the geneticist gave a gasp;

"Oh my god! He must be a genetic freak, Master! He only has one ass!"

"Shut up, you idiot" the Master speared out the hand that wasn’t folded around the little Spawn’s shoulder and with one flick broke the geneticists neck, then led his new toy away;

"Come on, Mini-Master. Din dins? Yes, you want some dinner don’t you....."



*****************************************************************

Having followed the lead of the mad geneticist found dead in UC Sunnydale - who had of course died when a piece of heavy equipment rolled off a shelf and hit his neck - the Gang stood around in the courtyard a distance from police activity and tried to think. Well, at least, everyone but Xander was trying to think; Xander was too busy trying to catch penny sweets in his mouth, several had already landed on Anya, and as she was hit in the head by a fourth sweet she cuffed Xander over the head impatiently;

"Will you stop it, we’re trying to think! And what the hell are they anyway?"

"Mojos. Little fruit chews - no real fruit of course"

"That’d never happen, Xander, fruit" Buffy mumbled, as Spike #1 speared a hand over and grabbed the bag of sweets to stop Xander disturbing everyone;

"Cut it out, Whelp"

"Hey - he’s stolen my Mojos! Gimme back my Mojos!"

Giles got up and paced a little, chewing the arm of his glasses in a way that they all recognised as meaning deep thought;

"To have killed the geneticist, the Master must have been trying to create something - maybe he left some notes so we can figure out what he was doing"

At that point, Spike #2 pattered down the steps clutching a piece of paper he’d been trying to use in conjunction with a pair of stones to light a cigarette, having dropped his lighter somewhere. He was frowning, in fact looking downright worried, as he turned the paper every which way;

"What ‘as three arses and is knee ‘igh to a grasshopper?"

"This is really no time for cracker mottos Spike" Muttered Giles, still pacing;

"No I found it on them steps, looks like someone’s acid trip if you ask me" he handed Giles the piece of paper "Ooh - are they Mojos? Great!" he lunged for the bag, stuck his tongue out at a protesting Xander and threw one sweet at him;

"Shut up, Whelp"

"He’s a fast learner"

"We need back up on this" interrupted Giles, "If I’m right, we have not one but two Masters running around loose, Lord knows what they have planned. I’ll contact A.I. tonight and see if they can help us"

"A.I.? what?" chorused Buffy and Riley,

"Poofs Incorporated" answered Spike #1, "Call ‘im, and tell ‘im to leave ‘is two bints at ‘ome"



PART THREE

Halfway through an extremely deep conversation on the basic merits of Sid Vicious, Spike Mark1 was dismayed to see his other self’s attention wandering. The other vampire appeared to be distracted, and kept looking over his shoulder, back to the humans who were busy researching the Master all over again, and then to Spike. After fifteen minutes of this, Spike 1 lost his limited patience;

"If you’re me, you like Sid. So why’re you lookin’ about as if you don’t care?!"

"Shh.. it’s almost ‘ere"

"What’s almost where?"

Spike Mark 2 crept over to beside the door, and as it opened grabbed the figure who entered, throwing him to the floor and pinning him there with one knee in his groin and both hands round his throat;

"’Ow the bloody ‘ell do you people survive ‘ere.. seems like none of you know ‘oo to slay! In my universe this *thing* ‘as been dead years"

The advantage of shock had allowed Spike to overpower the bigger vampire under him, but whilst his attacker was thinking he’d succeeded, Angel managed to throw him off, get to his feet and start preening his hair, glaring at Spike

"What the hell’s gotten into you?! Your universe? This *is* your.. oh lord..." he’d caught sight of the other Spike - his Spike - watching with an amused pout from across the room;

"’allo Peaches. Safe trip?"

"I don’t want to know" Angel flopped down into the chair next to his Spike and rubbed his temples; "cloning, monsters, The Master, all this I can cope with. But two of you..."

"Double the fun. You’ve got him in surround sound" chipped in Anya, giving Angel a kiss on the cheek. The two of them had once been trapped together - or at least, Anya had thought they had and Angel hadn’t bothered to test that hypothesis - and since she’d never *had* a vampire she’d persuaded him to give her a go. She’d been paying regular visits to L.A. ever since, where he was kept busy with Doyle, Faith and Cordelia. Oh, and that soul saving thingie.

"Help time, Deadboy. Less whining, more working"

"You’d do well to keep your bloody mouth shut Whelp, and leave my Sire out of your insult-a-gram radius or I swear I’ll shove you’re ‘ead up your arse" Spike answered, Game Face blazing into life. "Now, as I’m a fair bloke when I feel like it, ‘ows about I tell you what the Whelp meant? We think there might be two Master’s runnin’ about in the wrong dimension, which would be easy to ignore if it weren’t for one thing"

"And the thing is?"

"It’s our dimension they’re in"

"I can see how that would cause a problem. How can I help"

"You can start by helping us find him. Riley and I are going to patrol, coming?" Buffy grinned sweetly, somehow not managing to notice that Riley was glaring invisible stakes at Angel’s chest and her former beau had allowed his eyes and teeth, but not his face, to change to their demon forms;

"Sure. Why ever not" spat Angel through gritted fangs, giving Xander a little punch on his way out to make himself feel a bit happier.



PART FOUR

**Please note. I now it’s a bit lame but I tried four times to write them actually finding The Master and every time I came up with piles of pants. Therefore, this part has moved us forwards to having found The Master and trying to return him to his own universe**

The Master writhed, attempting and failing to break the chains that held both he and Mini-Master to the floor, as Xander occupied himself poking a length of curtain rod through the chains and irritating the already incensed pair. It had taken all three of Buffy, Angel and Riley to drag the two of them back, but they’d succeeded, and all that remained was to open another portal, find the right universe, and throw the two of them back through. It wasn’t elegant, but then again how elegant is screeching and exploding into dust? Not very; so there you go. And besides, elegance matters very little to vampires apart from if they naturally ooze it or fight in $1000 Hugo Boss duster coats merely for a swirling effect. Having called Willow to help them, as her skills had increased remarkably from her pencil floating days, they began work.

Busily concentrating their energies, Willow and Giles were both swinging the pendant over the chalice this time so that the spell would work more strongly with both their powers in it, whilst Riley, like the stupid fool he was, practised baseball swings with a non-existent bat, catching Angel under the chin and decking him again as he finally sat up from the table where he’d been resting since Mini-Master had attached himself to his throat and managed to drain quite a bit before he yanked the little creature off and chained it. Consequently, he’d been enjoying Buffy fetching him blood for half an hour whilst he recovered.

Seeing that his Slayer was getting a little too close for comfort to her Ex, Riley searched his "brain" frantically for a good romantic line as the portal started to form again, this time not howling but merely bobbing sedately , extending to the floor. Suddenly, Riley hit on his line, took Buffy by the shoulders in an oh-so-not-subtle getting her away from Angel gesture and gushed;

"You know, Buffy - you remind me so much of my favourite cow back in Iowa!"

Buffy stared. She stared then scowled. Then pushed Riley off her, insulted;

"Like, moo!"

Careering back from a Slayer-strength push, Riley tripped, and went backwards and headlong into the portal, his scream fading then cutting off sharply as there was a sickly crunch. A huge, scaly hand extended and dropped his keys, belt and shoes by their feet - bloodstained and chewed - and the horrified crowd heard a loud, but rather stupid sounding voice boom out;

"Thank-you! He was nice!"

"Oh my god! It killed Riley!" gasped Willow, recoiling,

"It isn’t supposed to lead to demon dimensions" muttered Giles, "let’s try again"

Another portal was duly formed, quicker this time with practice, and the assembled crowd saw a mop of red hair, bare, porcelain white shoulders, and glowing yellow eyes. There was a collective "Oh god!" before Giles and Willow dived for the closure spell simultaneously

"Puppy.... heeeeeeeere puppy - I’ve lost my little puppy!" called Vamp Willow, her eyes lighting up as she saw Angel rise to his feet shakily "There you are! Bad puppy!"

"Close it! close it NOW!" screamed Spike Mark 1, but too late as Vamp Will had already produced her bullwhip and with one mighty crack had wrapped it around Angel’s waist and was yanking hard. The portal closed up in time to snap her whip, and Angel immediately collapsed back onto Buffy and both Spikes, coughing up blood from the internal injuries. Another roar started, and everyone looked up, the portal was opening of its own accord, and before anyone could even get Angel to a chair a figure stepped through, dressed head to foot in black patent leather and with chains through various parts of his anatomy, face twisted up in a vampiric snarl. He was closely followed by what could only be called his familiar; a huge black cow with chains between its udders attached to nipple clamps. Somehow, the creature managed to growl a moo;

"What’re you all staring at? Ain’t you never seen a cow?" the figure snapped. The voice was unmistakable - it belonged to Riley Finn;

"Oh god! Riley? You’re a vampire.. and you have .. a .. a vampire cow?"

"Yeah - this is Daisy. She’s my favourite. And she’s hungry - get ‘em Daisy!"

For once all working together, both Spikes grabbed Riley and did away with him in seconds before trying to brush his dust off themselves - ignoring Willow’s scream of;

"On my god! You killed Vamp Riley!"

The cow was a different matter. Daisy rampaged around the room, head-butting and hoofing people out of the way before making to sink its bizarre teeth into Giles. Before it could, it let out a low sound of pain as Angel launched himself at it and landed straddling the creature, gripping its studded collar and holding on while with the other hand he reached for a stake from his inside pocket and plunged it through the creature’s back.

The effect was almost cartoonesque; Daisy exploded into dust as all vampires, bovine or otherwise, do, with Angel still riding her. He seemed to hang for a few moments before landing with his legs in the same position. Everyone heard the double crack as he landed, and Buffy screeched and turned away, burying herself in Spike Mark 1 as one of Angel’s broken hipbones thrust itself through his skin to rip through his pants and protrude whitely; what was more disturbing was that the vampire hadn’t even made a sound, and looked very shocked.

"Would never ‘ave ‘appened in my universe" Spike Mark 2 grumbled, referring of course to Buffy not fleeing to him.

"Ooh I recognise him - he’s on TV at 3am!" Willow was pointing to the portal again, emerging from which was something small, green and remarkably duck-like. This could probably have been attributed to the fact that it was a small green duck, but I never did go for simple explanations. It was in fact, a small, green *vampire* duck.

"You drink far too much Mountain Dew, Wills" Xander told us, watching astonished as the two Spikes grabbed the newcomer, and proceeded to play football with him before throwing him back into the portal with a resounding screech of "NAAAAAAAAANNNY!!!!!!!!"

"Well. If at first you don’t succeed?" Stammered Giles,

"Could anything be weirder?" Spike asked with a sigh.

"Well howdy there!" there was an almost palpable sense of annoyance in the room as yet another Riley Finn came striding out and toward Angel, who was still prostrate on the floor and looking very pale, "Been a while! How’s my favourite vampire?"

"If you don’t have Valium or a large amount of blood get away" Angel growled. Riley disobeyed, came closer, and bent down beside the huge creature;

"You don’t look so good there - something wrong?"

"Nothing at all. Both my hips are broken, I have a bullwhip embedded in my flesh, and every different dimension seems to be Iowa"

"Well that’s fine then! why - Arugh!" Riley’s death rattle was blissfully short as Angel sank his fangs into the boy’s throat and drained him before throwing the body back to Spike Mark 2 who tossed it into the portal.

"Oh my god!" Willow gasped again, "You killed... the .. other Riley?"

After trying one last time and taking shelter to make sure nothing came out, Spike Mark 2 poked his head through their final attempt and smiled;

"This is the one. Toss the cargo through for us"

Exhausted and relieved, Buffy and Willow helped him take The Master and Mini Master through, before Spike stepped back and went over to his other self.

"Well.. I s’pose this is goodbye then, mate"

"Yeah, ... yeah I think it is"

"Miss me?"

The two of them threw themselves into each other’s arms and hugged tightly for a long time, before Buffy rolled her eyes;

"Per-LEASE! When is the sappy music due to start?"

"It’s been good seein’ meself mate. Take care" Spike Mark 2 sighed, wiping away a single tear and stepping back through the portal. Willow and Giles turned back and began the final closure spell, as a dejected Spike sat down alone.

"Don’t feel too bad" Buffy told him, "You’d have got on each other’s nerves"

"You’re right. I ‘ave Whelp for that" Spike grinned back.




PART FIVE

*Epilogue*

"I didn’t order anything I swear!"

"Please just sign for the package, Ma’m, it’s very urgent and addressed to you"

"Oh-kay - but if it’s anything nasty I‘ll find out who you are mister! Oh it’s right there on your badge.. well never mind, but I’ll do something!"

Cordelia didn’t like signing for anything she hadn’t ordered, mainly because it meant it might not be for her, but she signed anyway, and allowed the four Fedex guys to place the huge crate on the floor before fetching a crowbar and prying it open.

"Now let’s - OHMIGAWD!!!"

Cordy found herself deposited on her backside as Angel sat up from the crate and shook his head to clear it, having slept all the way from Sunnydale;

"Evening ‘Delia. Is there any coffee?"

"Angel?! you’re in a box... why are you in a box?"

"Fine. I’ll get my own coffee"

Cordelia couldn’t help smirking as Angel walked over to the machine, his broken hips having not healed straight he now swung them as he walked.

"Something funny?"

"No.. nothing. Just wondering if they do stilettos in your size" she grinned.

------------------------------- This is the end, beautiful friend, the end -----------------------------------



~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

dierileydie

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