Rating: PG-15. Some violence and gore.
Disclaimer: If I owned these characters I wouldn’t be doing anything this stupid with them.
Summary: Some light-heated Season 4 and Riley bashing. Basically imagine a chat show where our favourite and not so favourite characters are the guests.
Spoilers: Up to the end of season 4.
The BTVS Show
By Thomas Murphy
Tonight, in front of a live studio audience, from Sunnydale California we present America’s favourite in late night TV entertainment, the Buffy the Vampire Slayer chat show. Please give a warm welcome to our special guest presenter for this review episode, the host with the most, Mayor Richard Wilkins III …
There is a round of applause as Richard Wilkins enters the stage from a mock grave at the back of the set.
Mayor Wilkins: Thank you, thank you all, stop, you’re too kind. No seriously stop or I’ll cut your hands off at the wrist.
A hush silence descends upon the audience.
Mayor Wilkins: Hey, I’m only kidding, I won’t kill anyone … so long as they’ve cleaned underneath their fingernails.
Mayor Wilkins finds this hilarious and laughs out loud only to be met with stares from an unnerved audience.
Mayor Wilkins: Come on people, lighten up and get into the mood, this is Sunnydale, murder capital U.S.A. Anyway it’s time to welcome our guests tonight to discuss the topic, Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season Four: Why it went horribly wrong. Why don’t you come on down, Buffy, Willow, Riley, Spike, A.D.A.M., and I’ve no idea who he is but there’s also some guy named Xander down on my list here too.
Xander: I’m Xander.
Mayor Wilkins: I vaguely remember your face, weren’t you an extra in one of the episodes.
Xander: Come on, it’s been a big year for me. I’ve had a long-term relationship, I’ve had lots of sex in that long-term relationship. I’ve made my first foray into the working world. I’m an important part of the BtVS universe, really, I am.
Mayor Wilkins: You’re obviously a delusional prankster. How did you get on my show? I’d advise you to leave now young man, or my minions will disembowel your family.
Xander: Believe me, my family is scarier than anything you’ve got. How can you have minions anyway, you were killed over a year ago. In fact how are you still here and why are you hosting a chat show?
Mayor Wilkins: A smart guy ehh? That’s it, you’re outta here.
Two bodyguards appear from the background and grab Xander by the arms pulling him back through the audience and towards the rear exit.
Xander: Don’t do this Wilkins, the show’s not the same without my self-depreciating sense of humour, my clever remarks, my little troubles…….
Xander's voice fades into the distance as he is eventually removed from the studio. The other guests, Buffy, Willow, Spike and A.D.A.M. stand somewhat startled by the events but finally take their seats next to Mayor Wilkin’s desk.
Mayor Wilkins: Now that we’ve gotten rid of that lunatic I’d like to come to Willow first because
Willow (interrupting): You know he wasn’t a lunatic, he was my best friend and a major character in seasons one through three.
Mayor Wilkins: Don’t interrupt me it’s not very mannerly, you little bitch. You should know I didn’t see the earlier episodes of Buffy because I was busy plotting to become a pure demon and I had a city to run. You obviously don’t see Xander much these days considering he was your best friend. But then again getting back to my original question, you prefer playing with girls now, don’t you?
Willow: Are you trying to say that it’s wrong to be a lesbian? You should be more open-minded, it is the new millennium after all.
Mayor Wilkins: Well I may be an old fashioned kinda guy but I’ve never really had a problem with lesbians. I think the question on everybody’s lips is why Tara? I mean what the heck is so special about her that would make you reject the whole male species?
Willow: Well …
Mayor Wilkins: Hands up anyone who thinks that Willow and Tara should’ve got together.
Nobody moves amongst the spectators, then a hand in the crowd goes up hesitantly.
Tara: I-I d-do.
Willow: You came to see me Tara, that’s so sweet. I love you.
Tara: I l-love you t-too.
At this point Mayor Wilkins takes a gun out of his pocket and shoots Tara in the head, splattering her brains over the bystanders.
Mayor Wilkins: I know I wouldn’t have been able to l-listen to t-that for a whole lot l-longer.
The crowd cheers, even the ones covered in blood and brain tissue, and break into a chant of “Richard, Richard, Richard.”
Willow: Aren’t you going to do anything about this Buffy?
Buffy: To be honest Will, I never really liked the girl.
Willow: But she was just an innocent girl Buffy.
Buffy: I know, but I’ve just become so self-centred that I find it pretty much impossible to care about others these days. I guess I’m just a less likeable person.
Willow: Maybe we’ve just become over familiar. I think a science fiction show’s life span isn’t much more than three tears, after that it’s on a downward spiral.
Buffy: Why do you say that Willow?
Willow: Because most of the characters have been explored thoroughly by then and people know what to expect from them. Good storylines then become thin on the ground so most developments become either weird or stupid.
Buffy: Like the Tara lesbian thing.
Willow: Or predictable.
Buffy: Like this season’s main story arc.
Willow: If we keep going on like this, we’ll end up like the X-Files.
Buffy: Now they’re really milking a dead cow.
Mayor Wilkins: Unfortunately I’m going to have to stop you there for the moment. Please stay tuned while we take a break for our sponsors, Sunnydale crematoriums.
Mayor Wilkins: Welcome back to the show everybody. We’ve had some great guests so far and there’s more to come, so remember don’t touch that remote now as we delve deeper into finding out why season four was so awful. Now as you all know from the Buffy/Angel saga the main love interest has an important part to play in the popularity of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, so my next question is directed at Riley Finn.
Riley: Yes Richard?
Mayor Wilkins: Why do most viewers genuinely hate you?
Riley (stunned): I’m sure the viewers don’t hate me. I mean I’m the archetypal good-looking blue-eyed American boy. I’m one of the good guys.
A loud fan in the back row shouts, “You suck Riley”, while a group down the front starts droning Riiiiiileeeeey, Riiiiileeeeey.
Mayor Wilkins: I guess the public has spoken, this isn’t the Third Reich Riley, the show could have done without a military Arian wannabe.
Riley: I know I don’t have much of a personality Richard, but …
Mayor Wilkins: Correction Riley, you have no personality whatsoever. You are quite possibly the most boring person on television. I know the writers intended you to be a nice normal boyfriend for Buffy, so why then could they not leave it. Instead they’ve turned you into a fully equipped superhero capable of battling vampires and demons. You’re like some sort of young Bruce Willis or Arnold Swarzaneggar except you don’t even have the character of the latter, you couldn’t even pull off saying something like “Hasta la vista Baby.”
Riley: Hasta …
Booing and hissing from the audience drown Riley’s voice out.
Riley (Breaking into tears): I’m so sorry, sorry for doing so much damage to this fine show. I wish I’d never been born.
Mayor Wilkins: There, there, Riley, if there was such a thing as a time machine where we could have gone back in time and shot the guy who thought you up, it would have been done by now. Anyway it’s not as if you’re going to last another season, I’m sure the writers will cut their losses and put you out of your misery.
Riley: Do you think so?
Mayor Wilkins: Yeah sure, you were only getting in the way of the Buffy/Angel star-crossed lovers thing. You were a filler because Angel got his own show.
Riley: I thought I had a chance when I was able to have all those sex scenes with her, but even that didn’t boost my popularity.
Mayor Wilkins: Now as a man who upholds family values I have to admit that I found some of those scenes distasteful. But what do you, Buffy, think?
Buffy: Me, me, me, me, me. Oh sorry Richard! I was thinking about, I mean to, myself. What was the question about again?
Mayor Wilkins: What are your feelings regarding Riley?
Buffy: Well for some reason I seem to truly like him. Actually I think the reason is sex. One thing I’ve learnt this year is that sex is good, real good.
Mayor Wilkins: Is there anything else you’ve learnt over the past twelve months?
Buffy: Nah, the sex thing is pretty much it. I was going to do the whole sleeping around thing, but I was beginning to look a bit slutty.
Spike: A bit? This is pathetic, why am I here you losers. I’m an evil soulless vampire, I’ve killed two slayers you know.
Mayor Wilkins: Spike?
Spike: What!
Mayor Wilkins: Why are you wearing a dress Spike?
Spike: I’m trying to get in touch with my feminine side. I feel so pretty in this.
Mayor Wilkins: What happened to that good old brutal murderous fiend that I had so much trouble covering for when I was in charge.
Spike: Well in retrospect I made a few bad decisions after Druscilla left me.
Mayor Wilkins: Like?
Spike: Like coming back to Sunnyhell. I hate this place.
Mayor Wilkins: Then why’d you do it?
Spike: Well I’m a major character. It wouldn’t do if I spent all my time in London, would it you prick.
Mayor Wilkins bursts into hysterical laughter almost rolling on the floor.
Mayor Wilkins: You’re a funny one young William, it’s just hard to take you seriously when I can hire a ten year old to beat you up.
Spike: It’s this damn chip you know. When it was first put in I thought that it would last an episode, maybe two. But a whole season, come on. They’ve made me into … (breaks down in front of the cameras) into this wimp. I couldn’t even sell these brats out properly. The writers have made me less dangerous than a twelve-year-old juvenile delinquent. Look at me it’s gone to the stage where I’m wearing dresses.
Willow: Well I think you look nice Spike.
Spike: You think so Red?
Riley: Oh come on, she likes anything in a skirt.
Mayor Wilkins: We’re going to go to a break on that note. We’ll see you again in just a couple of minutes after these messages from our sponsors.
Mayor Wilkins: First of all I’d like to thank the viewers at home for the tremendous response we’ve got about tonight’s show, you’re the best. Now as I’ve always said it’s the fans that make the show and no show has a more loyal fan base than BtVS so I’ve been consulting them about our next guest because quite frankly by the end of the season I was so disillusioned I could only manage to watch about half the episodes. So could everyone please give a warm welcome to my successor, this season’s main villain, A.D.A.M.
A.D.A.M. is greeted with muted applause.
A.D.A.M.: Why do you not greet me as your overlord inferior beings?
Mayor Wilkins: Now A.D.A.M. it’s been said that you were not exactly grade A main villain material. I mean your storyline couldn’t even compare with the brilliance of the Angel/Angelus switch and you even lacked my wit and charisma. How do you feel about these accusations?
A.D.A.M.: All who oppose my will shall be destroyed.
Mayor Wilkins: You’re not exactly skilled in social skills are you A.D.A.M.?
A.D.A.M.: No.
Mayor Wilkins: In fact you don’t seem to be very interesting at all.
A.D.A.M.: I’m not.
Mayor Wilkins: You’re not making this interview very easy for me A.D.A.M.
A.D.A.M.: No, I’m not.
Mayor Wilkins: That’s it I’ve had enough of your boring monotone voice mister. Why are you even a guest here, I mean of all the major bad guys you’re definitely the most forgettable. I’ve already forgotten what A.D.A.M. stands for.
A.D.A.M.: You will pay for your insolence when …
Mayor Wilkins (interrupting): Oh will you just shut up! You cheap unoriginal Frankenstein rip off. I never liked your stupid demonic logic, who did you think you were, some sort of mutant Plato.
A.D.A.M. roars angrily as he stands up and starts towards the Mayor, however before he can make a move Mayor Wilkins presses a button on his desk causing the ground underneath A.D.A.M. to open up. A.D.A.M. tries to halt his fall but to no avail and he falls helplessly into an apparently bottomless pit.
Mayor Wilkins: I knew it was a good idea to have a trapdoor to Earth’s fiery core installed, I want a big round of applause for our set designer who was responsible for saving us from listening to that thing.
There is applause from the audience followed by more shouts of “Richard, Richard, Richard.”
Mayor Wilkins: Okay then, now we’re rid of the deadwood lets move on to more interesting people and conversations, you’re excluded of course Riley.
Riley: I understand completely sir.
Willow: Can you lay off the guy for a second. I for one think that you’re quite interesting Riley … In a dull kind of way of course.
A small group of Riley fans that have just arrived cheer in response to this. They appear to be a strange and unearthly group unlike the rest of the populace, their other hobbies include watching paint dry and following the presidential election race, state by state.
Mayor Wilkins: Great, and I thought I’d gotten rid of all the loonies. I suppose I’d better get some audience reaction to the problem, I mean issue, of Riley.
Riley: If I may Richard.
Mayor Wilkins: Please Riley, someone might have something important to say.
Faith stands up amongst the crowd immediately grabbing everyone’s attention.
Faith: He was a decent lay, if that’s anything to go by.
Mayor Wilkins (immediately forgetting Riley): Faith! It’s great to see you again, although it’d be great to see any complex character with some depth at this stage. How come you weren’t included in our guests at the start of the programme.
Faith: I couldn’t be here ‘cause for some stupid reason Joss Whedon devised some implausible situation to keep me off the show. So I get to be a special guest star.
Spike: I hate that, it’s just a bloody excuse to show you less and then get rid of you abruptly. Then when they finally make me a bleedin’ regular I end up being a pansy.
Faith (Sarcastically): You don’t say so, bad boy.
Mayor Wilkins: Well Faith I have to say from what I’ve seen you may not be the best Slayer but you are definitely the most interesting one.
Buffy: What! So she’s more interesting than me because she comes in and has sex with Riley. I’ve had plenty of sex with him, I can be a bigger ho than her.
Faith: You really don’t get it B, keep talking like that and I’ll end that perfect life of yours limb by limb. No wait, am I supposed to be good again now? But even if I’m good I still don’t like her. Oh fuck it, this is too complicated. Lets get it on.
Faith charges at Buffy who responds by ducking her assault and sweeping her legs out from under her. Soon the two women are battling ferociously.
Willow: Stop it Buffy. No, don’t do that Faith … oh, actually keep doing that Faith. That’s it Buffy jump, and sweat, yeah sweating’s good.
Spike: Wow, you’ve really come out of that shell of yours Red. It’s a shame Dru’s not around then I could watch you two play.
Annoyed by this comment Willow hits out at Spike who tries to push her away only to receive an unbearable jolt of pain from the chip in his head. Willow continues her barrage, leaving Spike to crawl into the foetal position to protect himself. Meanwhile Buffy and Faith continue to pound at each other knocking the set apart in a blaze of falling lights. In the front row of the audience a girl is laughing so hard milk is coming out of her nose while the Riley fans storm the stage and kidnap their idol. The lights begin to fade out and the theme music begins as the spotlights fall on Mayor Wilkins.
Mayor Wilkins: Well that about wraps up this once off special season review of BtVS. Well I’m not sure we’ve covered everything that made season four so bad but we’re all out of time and I’ve got to go back into a state of non existence. I guess the lesson of tonight’s show is that … oh heck this is way too much bother, shit happens and has happened, but lets hope next season isn’t as bad.
end
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dierileydie
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