Willow: "Tell me a story."
Tara: "Okay. Once upon a time, there was a kitty. She was very little and she was all alone and nobody wanted her."
Willow: "This is a very upsetting story."
Tara: "Oh, oh, but it gets better. 'Cause one day the kitty was running around the street and a man came and swooped her up and took her to the pound. And at the pound there were lots of other kitties, and there were puppies, and some ferrets."
Willow: "Were there dolphins?"
Tara: "Yes, many dolphins at the pound."
Willow: "Was there a camel?"
Tara: "There was the front of a camel. A half-camel."
Willow: "Did the kitty get chosen by some nice people?"
Tara: "Well, now you've ruined the ending."

Willow: "I don't need to be snuggled."
Tara: "Vixen."

Glory: "Okay. Now I'm upset."

Xander: "Ow! Thumb. Necessary opposable thumb."
Riley: "Sorry. Crybaby."

Anya: "But we just helped her move the stuff in a few days ago. (turns, sees Buffy) And it was fun!"
Giles: "People help each other out, Anya. One of our strange customs."
Buffy: "Giles, I noticed you're doing the smallest amount of helping that can actually be called helping."
Giles: "Well, I saw myself in more of a patriarchal sort of role. You know, lots of pointing and scowling. (points, scowls) You two, stop that."
Riley: "He started it!"
Xander: "He called me a bad name. I think it was bad. It might have been Latin."
Giles: "Stop it, or you're going to break something."
(X & R continue wrestling)
Buffy: "Or I'm going to break something."
(X & R stop immediately)

Buffy: "Nothing like getting your ass kicked to make your ass hurt."

Tara: "Yeah, you learn her source, and we'll introduce her to her insect reflection. (everyone stops & stares at her) Th-that was funny if you, um, studied taglarin mythic rites... and are a complete dork."
Riley: "Then how come Xander didn't laugh?"
Xander: "I don't know that taglarin stuff."
Riley: "Oh."

Anya: "We have to bring presents, right? Birth is a present thing?"

Anya: "Thank you for coming. We value your patronage. Please come again for more purchases!"
Giles: "Could we perhaps be a little less effusive, Anya? We don't want to frighten the people."
Anya: "I'm just so excited. They come in, I help them, they give us money in exchange for goods, you give me money for working for you. I have a place in the world now. I'm part of the system. I'm a workin' gal."
Giles: "Yes. Well, why don't you start organizing the shipping orders?"
Anya: "Oh, no, that's boring. I just want to do the money parts."

Xander: "You are gonna be there?"
Buffy: "Yeah. Barring monsters."

Xander: "Give me sugar. I've come to buy sugar." (kiss)
Anya: "Mmm! We value your patronage."

Buffy: "Your definition of narrow is impressively wide."

Giles: "You can't be more specific about what she's like?"
Buffy: "She was kind of like Cordelia, actually. I'm pretty sure she dyes her hair."
Giles: "Ah, yes, that one, of course. Our work is done."

Xander: "I'm helping, I'm reading, I'm quiet."

Buffy: "You said you got a present already."
Xander: "Yeah, that was a tangled web of lies, sweetie."

Buffy: "There's just... that thing."
Xander: "That thing."
Buffy: "That thing of not understanding..."
Xander: "Half of what she says?"

Xander: "But Tara, I just know she likes Willow, and she already has one of those."

Buffy: "Uh! I have a present-buying headache."

Giles: "Come up with anything yet?"
Xander: "Well, candles maybe, or bath oils of some kind."
Buffy: "I saw a really cute sweater at Bloomies, but I think I want me to have it."
Giles: "And you are talking about what on earth?"
Buffy: "Tara's birthday. We're at a loss."
Giles: "You're in a magic shop, and you can't think what Tara would like. I believe you're both profoundly stupid."

Xander: "What, are we gonna get her some cheesy crystal ball?"
Giles: "You bloody well better not. I've got mine already wrapped."

Buffy: "You're a god. You're like the god of boyfriends."
Riley: "Nah, I just like it when you owe me favors."
Buffy: "Well, this earns you a big favor. There could be outfits."
Riley: "Oh, be still my heart."

Dawn: "I'm going to Melinda's for dinner."
Buffy: "Since when?"
Dawn: "Nowish."
Buffy: "You can't. It's not safe for you to walk there."
Dawn: "It's across the street."

Buffy: "Besides, Melinda's a bad influence. I don't like you hanging out with someone that... short."

Buffy: "She makes me crazy."
Riley: "That's kinda the word I was searching for."
Buffy: "What? She shouldn't be going over there."
Riley: "Yeah, a lot of young people nowadays are experimenting with shortness. Gotta nip that in the bud."

Glory: "Blonde. Short. Strong for a human... and massively rude! Broke my shoe, took my monk. Do you have any idea who I'm talking about?"

Glory: "Oh god, please don't tell me I was fighting a vampire slayer! How unbelievably common. If I had friends and they heard about this..."

Glory: "You have the cutest little suppurating sores. Has anyone ever told you that?"

Willow: "Am I late? Did I miss any exposition?"

Riley: "What can I say? The place just reeks of class."

Sandy: This place is such a dive."
Riley: "No, no, it's great. You just have to close your eyes, plug up your nostrils, it's fine."

Sandy: We could go somewhere else. Someplace more... private."
Riley: "Oh, Sandy, Sandy. It's no good. My heart belongs to another. Besides, I don't go out with vampires. They're never interested in my intellect."

Harmony: "Apparently he got recruited by some big nether-wig, and now he's on a mission. You think they might actually do it? Kill her?"
Spike: "God, that would be... pleasant."
Harmony: "Well, if they do, I think we should do something... like a gift basket or something."

Mr. McClay: "What in god's name is that?"
Spike: "Lei-ach demon. Fun little buggers. Big with the marrow sucking."

Buffy: "You want her, Mr. Maclay? You can go ahead and take her. You just gotta go through me."

Buffy: "You want to take Tara out of here against her will, you gotta come through me."
Dawn: "And me."
Mr. McClay: "Is this a joke? I'm not gonna be threatened by two little girls."
Dawn: "You don't want to mess with us."
Buffy: "She's a hair-puller."
Giles: "And... you're not just dealing with two little girls."
Xander: "You're dealing with all of us."
Spike: "'Cept me."
Xander: "'Cept Spike."
Spike: "I don't care what happens."

Mr. McClay: "*We* are her blood kin. Who the hell are you?"
Buffy: "We're family."

Donny: "Tara... if you don't get in that car, I swear by god I will beat you down."
Xander: "And I swear by your full and manly beard you're gonna break something trying."

Cousin Beth: Well, I hope you'll all be happy hanging out with a disgusting demon."
Anya: "Excuse me... what kind?"
Cousin Beth: "What?"
Anya: "What kind of demon is she? There's a lot of different kinds. Some are very, very evil, and some have been considered to be useful members of society."

Spike: "Why don't I make this simple." (punches Tara)
Tara: "Ow!"
Spike: "Ow!" (clutches head)

Spike: "There's no demon in there. It's just a family legend, am I right? Just a bit of spin to keep the ladies in line? You're a piece of work. I like you."

Tara: "He hurt my nose."
Spike: "Yeah, you're welcome."

Tara: "'Cause your insect reflection reflects your insignificance in terms of the karmic cycle."
Anya: (thinks) "But it's still not funny."

Dawn: "This place is so cool. Except I have to wear this stupid stamp on my hand."
Xander: "That's to keep you from boozing it up."
Dawn: "Oh, please. Only losers drink alcohol."
(everyone lowers their cups)

Tara: "Even when I'm at my worst, you always make me feel special. How do you do that?"
Willow: "Magic."