Buffy: So, we meet at last, Mr. Drippy!

Dawn: Man! How much water can they fit in one set of pipes?
Tara: If I understand right: the entire city water supply.
Willow: It's like little clown cars at the circus.

Buffy: Dawn, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. It's unbelievably important. You should eat breakfast at least three times a day.

Xander: And a big Sunnydale round of applause for Tito The Amazing -- Plumber Extraordinaire!
Tara: How's it looking down there?
Xander: Like we should start gathering up two of every animal.

Willow: Buffy, I know you're still getting back on your feet after...
Buffy: Lying flat on my back?

Buffy: Okay, so you're telling me I'm broke?
Willow: Not yet, but...
Tara: Money's definitely becoming an issue.
Xander: As in, your being almost out of it.
Buffy: But, I haven't spent any money. I was all dead and frugal.

Dawn: So, what do we do?
Buffy: Easy! We burn the house to the ground and collect the insurance. Plus: Fire - pretty!
(they all *look* at her)
Buffy: You guys? ...I'm kidding.

Buffy: It's not like it's the end of the world. ...Which is too bad, because *that* I'm really good at.

Anya: I know how! Um, if... if you want to pay... uh... every bill here, and every bill coming, and have enough to start a nice college fund for Dawn? Start charging!
Buffy: For what?
Anya: For slaying vampires! You're providing a valuable service to the whole community! I say: Cash in!

Anya: It's not *so* crazy.
Dawn: Yes it is! You can't charge innocent people for saving their lives!
Anya: Spiderman does!
Dawn: He does not.
Anya: Does too!
Dawn: Does no... Xander?
Xander: Action is his reward.

Xander: I'm supportive! I'm totally supportive! I'm a flying buttress of support.

Anya: Hey! You tricked me! Just now, with your fancy talk and lips!

Loan Officer: Carl Savitsky, Loan Officer.
Buffy: Buffy Summers, Loan Applier-for! I didn't know exactly what you would need, so, um, I brought everything. I'm *very* responsible in that way!
Loan Officer: O.k., I don't think I'll need this... or these... old report cards? Definitely not. Buffy: So, about my getting a loan....
Loan Officer: Yes, well, it looks as if financially we have a bit of a tangle.
Buffy: I know, and I figured you could just, you know, cut through that tangle with scissors. ...You know, where the loan is the scissors?

Loan Officer: For some reason Sunnydale property values have never been competitive....

Loan Officer: The problem is you have no income. No job.
(demon comes crashing through the window)
Buffy: No job? I wish!

Buffy: Hey! Are you in the wrong line? That's for deposits, that's for withdrawals, and this one is for getting kicked in the face. (tries to kick, can't raise her leg) Stupid skirt!

Guard: (fires warning shot) Put the girl down!
(demon throws Buffy across room and into guard)
Buffy: These things? (dangles gun in guard's face) *Never helpful!*

Buffy: Now, about my loan. I'm not saying I'm charging you for saving your life or anything, but... let's talk rates.
(scene change)
Willow: They *still* turned you down?

Willow: Hey, Buffy! You're mad!
Buffy: You noticed. It'll pass.
Willow: No! Anger is a big powerful emotion! You should feel!
Buffy: Well, that's good then. ... Done.
Willow: Well then let me make you mad again... ready? Um? Last semester? I slept with Riley.
Buffy: And you know, I really doubt it.
Willow: Caught me. Big fib... to cover up the sleazy affair I had with Angel!

Anya: Don't be such a wiener-dog! Look at them: researching demons for the billionth time. They could use a peppy boost of happy news.
Xander: You're right, I'll tell them... uh... as soon as Buffy and Willow come in.
Anya: Chicken!
Xander: Will you stop?
Anya: Dare you!
Xander: Anya, if I tell them right after you dare me to, wouldn't you always wonder if that's the only reason I did?
Anya: Oh.
Xander: Score one for Captain Logic!
Anya: No, no. Captain Logic is not steering this tugboat. I smell Captain Fear at the wheel. God, I hate this! This tone in my voice? I dislike it more than you do, and I'm closer to it.

Dawn: You know, if you don't let me look at the pictures, I'm gonna learn everything I know about demons on the street!
Tara: Knock yourself out.
Dawn: Thank you! See? No biggie. I can totally handle it. (opens book) That's a weird place for a horn.... (slowly closes book) It's not a horn.

Dawn: This? I'm guessing on how you say it, it's got an apostrophe. I think it's 'Mmm-Fashnik', like 'Mmmm, cookies'.
Xander: Or maybe 'Muh-Fashnik, like 'Muh-....Fashnik'.

Buffy: You do research now? Want a cappuccino and a pack of cigarettes to go with it?

Giles: Oh God, Buffy! (hugs her) You're alive. You're here. ...And you're still remarkably strong.

Giles: You're...
Buffy: ...a miracle.
Giles: Yes. ...But then I always thought so.

Giles: I keep a flat in Bath. I met with a few old friends. Almost made a new one, which I think is statistically impossible for a man of my age....
Buffy: And now you're back.
Giles: Yes.
Buffy: Wow. Giles, are you miserable about it, or just really British?

Buffy: I mean, yeah, sleeping is hard, but just because of the waking-up-in-a-box thing. So maybe waking-up's the problem.

Buffy: I know what you meant. It was just a little post-post-mortem comedy.

Anya: Giles! We're so glad to see you! We missed you! You can't have the store back.
Giles: I know.
Anya: You signed papers!
Giles: I did. Do we have information on this new demon I suddenly find so desperately interesting?

Giles: M'Fashnik, oh.
Dawn: Ah ha! Like 'Mmm-cookies!'
Giles: Ah, no, quite different actually.

M'Fashnik Demon: We had a deal! You got what you wanted, now give me what I want! The head of the Slayer!
Warren: 'Kay.
Jonathan: Sure.
Andrew: We can do that.

M'Fashnik Demon: You hired me to create chaos and confusion for you, told me you were powerful men, commanding machines, magics, the demon realms below!
Warren: We are.
Andrew: Yeah. Uh-huh.
Jonathan: We're like super-villains.
Jonathan/Warren/Andrew: Mwhahahahahaaa!
M'Fashnik Demon: Which one of you is the leader?
Jonathan/Warren/Andrew: I am.
M'Fashnik Demon: I will kill the leader.
Jonathan/Warren/Andrew: (point to each other) He is!
M'Fashnik Demon: I will kill you all.
Jonathan: Wait! Uh, *no fair*!

Warren: Yes, truly Lord Jonathan is the wisest of us all!
Jonathan: Wha...?
Andrew: Uh, yeah: Long live our noble lord and master.
Jonathan: You guys *suck*!

M'Fashnik Demon: You can't pay me in paper, little king! You pitted me against the Slayer, for that I must kill you. Then I will suck dry your bones and use them to beat your subjects to death!
Warren: Whoa, whoa, whoa, big guy! Lets back things up a parsec, o.k.?

Warren: Well, between the three of us, we can pretty much do anything.
Jonathan: Like if you want a spell to make you look super-cool to the other demons? I'm *all* over that action, my friend.
Warren: Or -- just throwing it out there -- Robot girlfriend? Hmmm? Long lonely nights after a hard day's slaughter...?
M'Fashnik Demon: You can do this?
Andrew: Don't trust him. Robo-Pimp-Daddy's all mouth.
Warren: You're just mad because I wouldn't build you Christina Ricci.

Andrew: Hello! Screen-wipe! New scene!

Buffy: I know they're so cute you could die, but it's all I've got.
Giles: Think nothing of it. It's...uh... whimsical.

Buffy: They don't actually fit. I blame the sofa. We need one of those pull-out kinds. The kinds with no payments until 2000-infinity.

Buffy: I figured I'd put it out of my mind, you know. Take a break. Get some perspective... and then wake up at 4 a.m. terrified.

Jonathan: Are we really gonna kill her? That's so sad!
Warren: Shut up, Whine-athon.
Andrew: But, I...I don't want to kill Buffy either.
Jonathan: Yeah, she saved my life a bunch of times! ...Plus she's hot.

Andrew: We're talking about murder.
Warren: No we're talking about staying alive... and since this is my mom's house, I think what I say goes.
Andrew: But aside from the moral issues... and the mess... we could get in trouble for murder!
Warren: Duh! You know, the last I checked the authorities also frowned on bank robbery too, genius!

Andrew: And you know, killing people is not why we got together.
Jonathan: Yeah, we teamed up with one clear super-cool mission statement, remember?
(flashback)
Warren: So... you guys want to team up and take over Sunnydale?
Jonathan & Andrew: (shrug) O.k.
(/flashback)
Warren: Of course I remember. It was last month.

Jonathan: Dude, you know we have a mission! Shrink rays. Trained Gorillas. Workable prototype jet-packs. And chicks, chicks, chicks. I know that's the action *I* signed on for!
Andrew: Me too. ix-nay on the urder-may!

TO DO:
* Control the weather
* Miniaturize Fort Knox
* Conjure Fake IDs
* Shrink Ray
* Girls
* Girls
* The Gorilla Thing

Warren: Here is the Slayer's name, address, and telephone number. You want to kill her? Make it so.

Jonathan: How'd you make him do that?
Andrew: What, are you some kind of ...Jedi?
Warren: The Force can sometimes have great power over a weak mind.

Giles: So, tell me about the spell you performed.
Willow: Oh, first of all? *So* scary! I mean the Blair Witch would have had to watch like this! (peeks between fingers) And this giant snake came out of my mouth. And there was all this energy crackling. And this pack of demons interrupted, but I *totally* kept it together. And then, next thing you know -- Buffy!
Giles: You're a very stupid girl.

Willow: Giles, I did what I had to do! I did what nobody else could do!
Giles: Oh, there are others in this world who can do what you did. You just don't want to meet them.
Willow: No, probably not. But, well, they're the bad guys. I'm not a bad guy!

Giles: You were *lucky*!
Willow: I wasn't lucky, I was *amazing*! And how would you know? You weren't even there!
Giles: If I were I would have bloody well stopped you! The magics you channeled are more ferocious and primal than anything you could hope to understand, and you are lucky to be alive! You rank, arrogant amateur!
Willow: You're right. The magics I used are very powerful. *I'm* very powerful. And maybe it's not such a good idea for you to piss me off.

Spike: You hear all that noise?
Buffy: Just enough to make me feel crappy.

Spike: You want me to take them out? Give me a hell of a headache, but I could probably thin the herd a little. ... Knew I could get a grin.

Buffy: Why are you always around when I'm miserable?

Buffy: So, what do you know about finances?

Giles: Dawn? Couldn't sleep?
Dawn: Not really. You?
Giles: Evidently not.
Dawn: You ever try mixing parts of every cereal you've got in one bowl?
Giles: Does it work?
Dawn: Gonna find out. Want to come join the experiment?
Giles: Why don't I be your control group. You find as you get older that you lose patience with throwing up.

Buffy: You're paying for that door, buddy! Oooh! Table!
M'Fashnik Demon: You cost me, Slayer!
Buffy: I cost *you*? That's a designer lamp, you mook!

Buffy: (beating on the downed demon) Full! Copper! Repipe! No! More! Full! Copper! Repipe!

Spike: (peering down stairs) Oh. Did you know this place was flooded?

Warren: I think we've got a lot to feel good about. We've got money, the lair. And our one loose end has been taken care of by the Slayer. Flamethrower's up.
Andrew: Periscope's working. Looks like your mom's weeding tulips again.
Jonathan: Action figures? Fully deployed.

Andrew: I just can't believe it. We did it! We can do anything! We can stay up all night if we wanted!
Warren: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't get all crazy on us, Andrew.
Andrew: I was only saying....

Jonathan: What are we gonna do about Buffy? I mean, sooner or later the Slayer has to come after us.
Andrew: Bring her on.
Warren: We could hypnotize her.
Andrew: Make her our willing sex-bunny.
Jonathan: ...I'm putting that on the list!

Jonathan: The way I see it, life is like an interstellar journey. Some people go into hyper-sleep and travel sub-light speeds. Only to get where they're going, after years of struggle, toil, and hard, hard work. We, on the other hand....
Andrew: Blast through the space-time continuum in a wormhole?
Jonathan: Gentlemen! Crime is *our* wormhole!
Andrew: But everyone knows that if the width of a wormhole cavity is a whole number of wavelengths, plus a fraction of that wavelength, the coinciding particle activity collapses the infrastructure....
Warren: Dude! Don't be a geek!

Buffy: I've trashed this house so many times, how did mom pay for this?
Xander: Well for starters, she saved money with this crappy-ass coffee table.
Anya: Well, there's always that charging option.
Buffy: No! I will definitely... probably not be doing that.

Giles: Well I know I'm back in America now, I've been knocked unconscious.
Buffy: Mmmm... Poor lumpy Giles!

Xander: That's it! Four hours. I'm calling it, people. This coffee table, it's gone. Dammit!
Dawn: Also, this lamp's in critical condition.
Willow: Well, let's take these things to the trash and give them a decent throwin' out!

Buffy: Who's calling me? Everybody I know lives here.

Dawn: I bet it's creditors. The hounding's begun. I read about it. So, you think we'll starve?
Giles: I very much doubt it.
Dawn: No chance I'd have to quit school to work assembling cheap toys in a poorly-ventilated sweatshop?
Giles: 'Poorly-ventilated sw...' What *have* you been reading?