They've heard all the jokes at Wolfram and Hart - the ones about lawyers and bloodsucking. Given that many of their major clients are bloodsuckers themselves, they should learn to be more good natured about a little playful ribbing. Instead, they take their job seriously… dead seriously. Freelance reporter Elizabeth Starkey discovered just how humorless lawyers for the undead can be when she interviewed Wolfram and Hart litigator Lindsey MacDonald. It wasn't an easy interview to score - when they want to, those lawyers can be more elusive than a beer vendor in the ninth inning - but at long last, they did agree to speak to our magazine in an effort to clear the air regarding their recent run-ins with Angel. Oddly enough, the air doesn't seem much clearer after the interview – in fact, we´re pretty sure we smell a rat or two.

ELIZABETH STARKEY:  I APPRECIATE YOUR AGREEING TO THIS INTERVIEW.
LINDSEY MACDONALD: My pleasure.

ES:  AS FAR AS I KNOW, NO ONE FROM YOUR FIRM HAS EVER GRANTED AN INTERVIEW TO AN OBJECTIVE REPORTER. IN OTHER WORDS, ON THAT ISN'T ON THE WOLFRAM AND HART PAYROLL. IS THIS TRUE?
LM: As you know, we have many high profile clients that prefer their lawyers remain low profile. But that doesn't mean we´re against publicity. After all, we have nothing to hide.

ES:  THEN … UM … DO YOU THINK I COULD GET MY TAPE RECORDER BACK?
LM: Sorry. Nothing on tape.

ES:  WHY IS THAT – SO THAT MY EDITORS WON'T BE ABLE TO DEFEND THEMSELVES WHEN YOU SUE FOR LIBEL?
LM: No.

(Long pause)

ES:  OKAY. CARE TO ELABORATE?
LM: No.

ES:  ALL RIGHT THEN. I SEE HOW THIS INTERVIEW IS SHAPING UP.
LM: Not to be rude, but could we get on with it? My time is quite valuable.

ES:  RIGHT. LET'S START WITH THE BASICS. HOW MUCH DO YOU CHARGE PER HOUR?
LM: Varies. And we do quite a bit of work pro-bono. We're very big on helping the down-trodden.

ES:  THAT'S NOT THE REPUTATION YOU HAVE. IN FACT, YOU'RE OFTEN KNOWN FOR SQUASHING THE LITTLE GUY JUST TO HELP THE BIG ONE. LIKE RUSSELL WINTERS – HE WAS A VAMPIRE WHO PREYED ON BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMEN, AND YOU HELPED HIM COVER UP THEIR DEATHS.
LM: Apparently, you've been misinformed. [Hands over a Xerox paper] As you will see in the statement I've just handed you, Russell Winters was a generous philanthropist who chose to help struggling actresses achieve their dreams of stardom. After his untimely demise at the hands of the ruthless killer Angel, the above-mentioned actresses were so distraught and forlorn that they scurried home to Kansas, or … wherever.

ES:  THAT SOUNDED MEMORIZED … AS A MATTER OF FACT, IT'S ALMOST EXACTLY WHAT'S ON THIS PAPER. IS THAT WHAT YOU WERE TOLD BY THE FIRM TO SAY?
LM: That's irrelevant.
 
(Another long pause. Lindsay clears his throat.)

ES:  OKAY. NEXT QUESTION. YOU'VE GOT MORE SECURITY IN THIS BUILDING THAN JFK INTERNATIONAL.  WHY IS THAT?
LM: It's sad, really – the public seems to have a negative view of lawyers. Our firm, because we're so successful, is an especially large target for the wrath of the deeply confused.

ES:  SO IT'S NOT TO KEEP PEOPLE LIKE ANGEL OUT?
LM: No.

ES:  I NOTICED A LITTLE TWITCH ON YOUR UPPER LIP BOTH TIMES ANGEL'S NAME'S BEEN MENTIONED.
LM: Did you?

ES:  THERE IT WAS AGAIN.
LM: (Long pause) Next question.

ES:  OKAY – WHO REALLY RUNS WOLFRAM AND HART? WHO ARE THE SENIOR PARTNERS?
LM: Wolfram and Hart.

ES:  RIGHT … BUT WHO ARE THEY?
LM: The lawyers who run this firm.

ES:  BUT NO ONE HAS EVER SEEN THEM. HOW DO WE KNOW THEY EVEN EXIST?
LM: Didn't I just tell you they do?

ES:  NO NEED TO GET HOSTILE. I HAVE TO ASK THE TOUGH QUESTIONS. SO … WHERE DO YOU GUYS GET YOUR BEAUTIFUL SUITS?
LM: We have them made by an old Italien tailor on Third and Broadway. I'll give you the name if you like.

ES:  THANKS, BUT ON MY REPORTER'S SALARY, I DON'T THINK SO.
LM: You should consider coming to work for us. We can use young people with good minds like yours.

ES:  I DON'T THINK I'D BE COMFORTABLE DEALING WITH YOUR CLIENTS. ALTHOUGH I HEAR THE ONE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A LAWYER AND A VAMPIRE IS THAT A VAMPIRE ONLY SUCKS BLOOD AT NIGHT.
LM: (Stone silence.)

ES:  HA, HA … THAT WAS A JOKE … GET IT? LAWYERS ONLY SUCK … NO, I GUESS YOU DON'T GET IT.
LM: Young lady, everyone is flawed, some more than others. It is our job as public servants to defend these shortcomings. That´s what this wonderful country is all about.

ES:  SO WHAT IS IT, IN YOUR MIND, THAT ANGEL IS DOING WHEN HE TRIES TO HELP THE PEOPLE YOUR CLIENTS HAVE IMPOSED THEIR "SHORTCOMINGS" ON?
LM: Breaking the law.

ES:  AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABOUT THAT?
LM: Let's just say the problem is being taken care of.

ES:  WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR TIME, MR. MACDONALD.
LM: Please, call me Lindsey.

ES:  THANK YOU, LINDSEY.
LM: My pleasure. Here's my card if you need anything in the future.
 

Subsequent to conducting this interview, reporter Elizabeth Starkey was evicted from her apartment for having a dog, audited by the IRS for non-payment of taxes while waitressing in Iowa, and had her car repossessed for nonpayment of the lease. For the record, she's allergic to dogs, never lived in Iowa, never was a waitress and her car was a gift from her parents. She recently quit journalism and now resides in a remote commune in the south of France, the exact location of which she has asked we not disclose.
 
 

(aus: Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Sommer 2000)