| What He Deserves by LadyYashka |
| Chapter #1 - Hate Me |
| "I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home" Buffy wouldn’t go. She couldn’t. It wouldn’t be right. She’d just use him again. Unable and unwilling to give Spike what he needed, what he deserved. It wasn’t in her. She couldn’t love like that. So Buffy would stay away and pretend. Pretend she was happy. That she’d moved on. She would ignore the fact that not going to him was slowly killing her. After all, she had killed him with that amulet. It didn’t matter if Buffy hadn’t known what it would do. Her friends had and they never said a word to either her or Spike. They hadn’t trusted him to do the right thing. Hadn’t thought she’d want to sacrifice Angel instead. So, no, no one would know. "You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate, You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take,So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind,And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind" Now Spike was back and they all knew. They had all said the same thing. Spike was no good for her. She deserved better. She finally had a chance at a normal life. "Hate me today Hate me tomorrow Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you" Buffy had just smiled and nodded. How could they ever know? She had thought as they did. Even after Spike came back with his soul, she had just known his world was all about her. She had been vain, self centered, and unworthy. He was everything they were not. "Hate me in ways Yeah ways hard to swallow Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you" Spike loved unconditionally. Spike forgave instantly. Buffy and her friends barely managed to let go of imagined wrongs. They pretended to love and forgive. Only they never loved, nor did they forgive Spike. Giles was Ripper and had betrayed them before. Willow had raped their minds and tried to kill off the world. Xander had destroyed the woman who had loved him. He had ignored Anya when she was his and tried to control her when she wasn’t. They didn’t know what was good for themselves much less her. "And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made" This, though, she knew. She was no good for him. So with a smile on her face and her heart bleeding in her chest, she marched onward. Buffy would give Spike the life he deserved. One without her in it. "Hate me today Hate me tomorrow Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you" |