| Remembrance by selene |
| Chapter #1 - one |
| chapter 1 In Rome... The sun felt good on her face. She could feel the warmth sink in almost burning... Buffy’s eyes flew open. Taking in the surroundings small groups of people milling around a fountain. The fountain of Trevor or something like that. She could never get it straight. She spotted a small plaque with ‘fontana di trevi’ on it. A small sigh escaped her, ‘Well for me that’s close enough...’ One of the couples must have been on their Honeymoon with the amount of kissing and PDA. Buffy felt a sharp pain in her heart as they clasped hands just like her and...Spike. She sat down hard on the cool marble bench grateful for the support it gave her. It was funny how it snuck up on her at the most unusual times. She glanced around, people didn’t even spare her a second look as they took in the history surrounding them. Lucky for her she picked a tourist site in full daylight to be hit with a sadness so hard that it took her breath away. ‘Why did he have to stay... If only I made him come with... I could have saved him somehow. It hurts so much. I need him. It isn’t fair. Not fair.’ Buffy’s inner child wailed. The thoughts tumbled through her head so fast, a confused blur. She wiped away the tears that fell with the back of her hand. ‘Why does everything in my life turn to shit. My father left us. Mom died. Giles left me. Twice. (Also, lied to me. Twice.) I died. Angelus. Riley.’ Buffy’s thought slowed a little. ‘Why couldn’t I have told Spike sooner. Why did I wait? Was it because Dad left... I thought that Spike would leave me. But he was always there. He kept taking everything thing that I could dish out and came back for more. My ridiculous thought that him not having a soul made him somehow unworthy of me...’ She laughed bitterly. ‘Spike was what I wanted and needed. Not the idealized love that is so ‘pure’ but real love. He saw me at my utterly worst and he still loved me. Not having to worry that I would say the wrong thing or that I didn’t have any makeup on.’ tears streaked down her face. ‘Angel. Oh God, the cookie dough comments. His cookie was so 1999. Way expired! The relationship that I measured everything else up to was a mirage. It was based on false images of each other and a lot of smoochies. Angel never loved me unconditionally. I had to be the perfect slayer and do exactly as he wanted me to or I was on the outs again. Ultimately my input never seemed to matter. In every single facet of my life he decided what was the correct way to deal with it. Be it our relationship... if you can call it an relationship. Or even dealing with Faith...He made all of the decisions and I better toe the line or else was the underlying theme. He withheld his love for me to only be rewarded, when and if, I complied with his wishes. He was my forbidden love. Oh so wantable but just out of my reach, forever. How can you compete with something that was the perfect relationship... if only. I could never really find out how perfect it could be without him going all bumpy on me. ‘Oh the drama.’ Buffy thought, ‘He can never really put me before his own self image of how important he is. Oh, vampire with a soul... Oh, I must repent... I’m all broody...’ ‘My “true” love died. I didn’t realize what a man he truly was until he was gone. He never ‘browbeat’ me into doing anything. He accepted me for who I really am. There were no illusions. I hate myself for all of the things I did to him. I felt a tenderness that I thought shouldn’t be there before he had the soul. And, Oh God, the sex. Why did I have to try to measure him up to Angel and the Grand Relationship... He loved me before he went and got his soul. Wasn’t it proof enough that he loved Dru without one? I know that he loved me without a soul because when he came back there wasn’t any difference between how he treated me beforehand. He just felt tremendous guilt for his actions. So, as usual, I brought him more pain and he thought that I deserved better than him still. The difference between Angel & Spike was that Angel loved me on his terms ONLY when he was Angel. Angelus was a different story. All that was part of Spike loved me. Spike’s demon even loved me.’ Buffy’s broken sob seemed out of place here. She could tell that she was drawing a couple of odd glances. ‘How come everyone let the Angelus’ episodes go and never thought of Anya’s evil past (especially when she enjoyed throwing it in our faces) and when Spike tried to change so hard they spit on him. Me included.’ ‘What really hurt was that he actually thought that the bathroom incident was indication that he was a monster. Yeah, it scared me. But in reality how many times did I tell him no when it really meant yes, yes, yes! As soon as he realized that I really meant it he left. Ashamed. I realize now that I was so hurt about him and Anya that I latched on to this episode as a way to reinforce my I’m better than you stance. So many times I came home from the crypt with scratches and bruises that were much worse than the one on my thigh. And the ones I left on Spike were more punishing. I purposely let Xander see it because I knew how much he already hated him. And to show him how revolting Anya and I were to let him touch us. I purposely set up barriers to keep him from ever really getting into my life. Afraid that he would end up like Angel and leave me. My fears. My stupid, stupid fears. If only I could do it over again. I wouldn’t take him or our time together for granted. I miss him so much!’ A shadow crossed before her and she felt a hand come down on her shoulder. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Buffy looked up to see Xander hovering over her. She quickly raised the heel of her hand up to her cheeks and tried to wipe away the tears that had fallen. She put on her wavering smile and managed to sound convincingly perky, “Hey Xander... Whatcha doing out here I thought you had class to teach today?” “Hey yourself Buf, I thought that being that it is my turn to teach, I could just teach them my ‘run away from your enemies approach to fighting’ or is it ‘run away from your problems style’? Well, either way it always works from me. Though usually it is followed up by my patented ‘oh my god, what have I done style of making up’? Xander smiled weakly. Buffy tried to laugh but it just wasn’t coming easy to her anymore. She settled for smiling warmly and scooted over and patted the bench next to her. Xander sat down just as heavily as she has moments before. Heaving a big sigh and slouching over. She noticed that he looked tired the ever bouncy, springy Xander looked wiped. It was like looking into a mirror. A gender challenged sorta fun house mirror, but a mirror. Xander sat down and really looked around. How could he be here in this amazing place and feel this bad. He was worried about Buffy more now that ever before. She had always had to stay strong because there wasn’t anyone else to do her job but now with all the new slayerettes he knew she felt... well, more like him. Used up and not really needed anymore. He had seen the tears that she had tried to wipe away. He still had a good eye! Like maybe her good years weren’t before her and that maybe she had more than a few regrets about what had happened in the past. He really knew that feeling... They sat in silence for a couple of minutes until Xander asked, “When did it all get so hard... I can remember when everything was better with a jelly filled doughnut. Hey! Do you think that now it would be better with a biscotti? Because they have this great biscotti with almonds just down the street from here...” “Doughnut good. Biscotti good... not so much.” Buffy replied. “Are you going to compare chocolate? or flan? Because either way there you have a winner!” “Buf, it’s been over a year now. I know that I have well, not been a good friend to you in the past when it comes to... well, your relationships. I tend to overreact and become all overbearing and stubborn. I know that I am doing it and at the time I can’t help it. I go into super hyper big brother mode when it comes to you. And I kinda think that I would with Willow except she only guy she really dated was Oz... and who doesn’t want to pet the pooch? That guy was soooo easy going I couldn’t find anything not to like about him. Moot point though I guess... Well, what I have been wanting to say to you is that I am sorry for not being the person that I want to be for you. I know that you are having trouble coping and I know that I am still too. I want you to feel like you can tell me things, y’know things that matter. Not just, ‘Oh I saw Dracula 2000 wasn’t it the lamest excuse for a vampire movie ever,’” a solitary tear fell from his eye, “I don’t want you to do this all by yourself. I need you to let me help you and we can help each other.” Buffy hesitated and then blurted out, “I’ve wanted to talk about him. To somebody for so long. I just couldn’t say anything to Dawn. She’s been heartbroken too... She never really made up with him and is feeling so guilty about it. I didn’t think that talking about him would make her feel any better only make it worse. I know that I miss him. I miss him soo much.” “Buf, it’s alright to say his name... You don’t have to be afraid that I’m gonna go all evil Xander on you. Spike was a good guy. There was times that I knew it but, I didn’t think he was good enough for you. Y’know he saved my life. After all of the mean thing I said about him and did to him he saved me. He saved the world... not like I haven’t done that before... but Spike! He really did care and I was so wrong about him on many different levels. I look back now being the monday morning quarterback of all times and see that some of the things that he did was to get a reaction. The reaction that he expected to get from us. He baited us knowing that we weren’t ready to see him as anything other than a monster. I know that I was stupid... I wish that I could tell him that I misjudged him and that I am sorry. I would like to think that one of the things that I have learned from this is that I can’t just make assumptions about people. I can’t decide what is best for you and I really will try not to ever make you feel like I judge you. I love you, Buf. You mean alot to me.” “Xander you are my best friend. I love you! I really haven’t been resenting you or anything... I just needed some time... I thought that time would be enough. I mean look at Willow. She’s a movin’ on kinda gal now. With Kennedy. Maybe that wasn’t such a good analogy. I thought though that I would be movin’ on but I can’t. Oh, I tried. I thought that The Immortal would be a diversion but, I really just never got into him. I basically just went through the motions. Oh, not those kind of motions! No motions. None.” Buffy’s eyes grew round and frantic and her hands simultaneously sliced through the air. “Actually, The Immortal and I went out a couple of times and while we were out he started telling me these unbelievable stories about Angel and Spike (and the two skanky ho-bags that will remain nameless). I was laughing so hard that he must have thought that I didn’t care for them and started to say really mean things about them. I guess when you are The Immortal you really don’t like to have your front teeth knocked out. Imagine having to have to go through eternity gumming your food. Needless to say we aren’t really on good terms now... Not that I care! The jerk! Who calls themselves “The” anyways... You don’t call Madonna... “the” Madonna or Cher... “the” Cher... Why can’t he just be Immortal!” “Uh Buf, aren’t you “the” Slayer.” “Not anymore. I’m more like “a” Slayer. It has a much better ring to it! Much less snooty!” “You really never were y’know with The Immortal.” “Nope. It never got that far. He stepped back after The Incident and I was sorta labeled as his girlfriend by everyone else. Like I couldn’t resist him when he was such a creep! I don’t get it. The guy is a legend in his own mind. I guess he figured that by just letting people think that he had bagged a slayer (notice the “a”) that his reputation wouldn’t suffer.” “Buffy why did you let us believe that you guys were together?” “I just... It was easier. I knew that you guys were worried about me and it made things easier for me. Sorry.” “You don’t have anything to feel sorry about. I know how you feel. Everyone is afraid to say Anya’s name around me like I am made up of glass and I’ll shatter. We miss them and are both sorry for the way thing ended... For not telling them that we loved them.” Buffy looked at him and put her arms around him. With her face snuggled against his chest she found the courage to say, “In Sunnydale at the High School right at the end, I told Spike that I loved him and he told me that I didn’t but, thanks for saying it.” “That’s harsh, Buf. Maybe he just told you that so you would leave the school and get away safely. The guy was crazy about you. He would have done anything to keep you safe if he could. I’m sure he knew.” Xander’s arms tightened around her back. Buffy began to cry again, “That’s what I keep hoping...” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In L.A. The bottle of whiskey flew through the air barely missing the incredibly expensive antique maps that adorned the far wall of Wesley’s apartment. Followed by a string of curses that made Angel blush. “Angel, I can’t bloody well believe that you actually believe that you are Shanshu-boy of prophecy when you can’t make up your mind. First you tell me that you need me and that you...” Angel gave him a warning look that made him break off from what he was about to say. “Well I won’t do it. I’m not getting any rotten jet so sod off! Italy just doesn’t happen to agree with my palate! It seems I’m now a California man. I stay here with you.” He gave a meaningful look to Angel. “Don’t even think of trying to get rid of me.” Angel shot him his most broody look before answering, “Why do you always insist on being such an...” “Don’t say it...” “Obstinate... argumentative.... pugnacious-ssh...” Wesley supplied trying to be helpful. The alcohol that they had been drinking all night had certainly caught up with him if not the vampires he was drinking with. The room had a pleasant hum and a slight tilt to it that was rather soothing. The only thing that was keeping it from being a perfect boy’s night was the yelling and sniping the two had been exchanging all night. The vampires ignored his attempt to solve this quarrel. Perfect. More yelling was about to commence. Wesley grasped the table and mumbled something about going to the kitchen to try to find another bottle. Hopefully there was something left from the stash that Lilah had sent for his birthday... He suddenly felt the need for a drink. There was a reason that they had chosen to come over to his apartment. One of the benefits that came from his liaison with Lilah was the expensive investment in charms and hexes that she had put on his place so the Senior Partners couldn’t get a glimpse of what went on in here. Lilah had taken a certain amount of pleasure in being able to pull one over on the Senior Partners. It also allowed Wesley a measure of freedom. Still... they were trying to allude to their upcoming plan just in case. They really didn’t want to put into words what they have planned. “Ass.” There it was out. A challenge. Added to the forbidding forehead it was almost an irresistible invitation to fight. Spike smiled evilly... “You aren’t pissin’ me off so I go stormin’ out, Peaches. You are stuck with me. I’m gonna see this to the end.” Angel sighed and tried another tactic. One he never tried before with Spike. Reason. “Listen, if we don’t make it. I need you to keep her safe. This is going to be big. I’m not talking about what we usually face here. She can’t be left with neither one of us to be there for her. Especially if she’s with him...” There wasn’t any need to elaborate on who he was. Just thinking about him stirred up old memories of mutual hatred. For once not for each other. “I need to know that you will be there to let her know what has been done and to make her ready for what is about to come next. This could be the event that sparks it off. She could easily be lead in to a trap by The Immortal if it explodes like we think it is going to.” The deliberate use of the dreaded name was just to make Spike not think straight. All the thoughts of Buffy being left alone with him was enough to make Angel want to weep. He saw the yellow glint in Spike’s eyes and thought, ‘I’ve got him.’ Spike stamped down on his immediate reaction to pummel anything within his reach. “I don’t like the thought of leaving her with him anymore that you do. Unlike you though I do have faith in her. I know that when it comes down to making the right decision she’ll do it. She doesn’t need me there lookin’ over her shoulder doubting her every move. I’m no vampiric Jiminy Cricket you prat! It’s funny that you didn’t want me marching off when I first turned solid. You seemed to think that she was way better off without me then! Are you going to tell me now that I am the better of us?” Spike smirked. He leaned back in his chair and took a swig of his drink. Locked eyes with Angel and said each word deliberately, “Like I told you before, Pappy, I’m not goin’ anywhere.” “Spike why do you always have to do things the hard way. If you won’t go willingly I’ll make you go.” There was and angry growl before the two of them clashed. Angel easily outweighed him by 50 pounds and at least 3 inches but Spike was faster and slipped out of his reach. “You don’t want to do this again, Peaches. I’ll easily clean up like last time. You’ve been lookin’ for a scrap all night. If you look for it with me you’ll lose.” Wesley heard the sound of breaking furniture and thoroughly disgusted with the both of them he snatched up the last bottle of his special reserve and grabbed Angel’s cell phone from off the counter. He stumbled off to the bathroom and slammed the door behind him. Flipping open the phone he scrolled through the remarkably short list smirking as he went by Nina’s number until he found the one he was looking for and pressed send. The tumbler he was holding was obscenely filled with the amber liquid. He tossed back the drink as he waited for someone to answer. The phone rang and rang until he heard a strange voice intone flatly, “Rome. The final frontier. We have boldly gone forth and are unable to answer the phone. If you wish to reach Buffy, Dawn or I, Captain Andrew Archer please leave a message.” Beep. Wesley held the phone away from his ear and looked at it disgustedly for a second until another loud crash from his living room regained his attention. “Buffy... It’sssh Wessshley Windham Prisshe. I don’t have time to explain everything but Angel is going up againssht The Shircle of the Black Thorn. The fighting hasn’t started yet but it’ssh going to be another apocalypse. Angel is going to need help. Sshlayer help. Giles must know, of course.” The fighting grew louder and seemed to be outside the door. The sound only fueled Wesley’s resolve. “For sshome unknown reason Angel wouldn’t let us tell you, but, I think it’s time for you to know that Sshhpike has been back amoungsssht ussh for quite some time. Andrew will fill you in. Buffy hurry there’s not much time.” Wesley smiled to himself strangley unconcerned with the wrath he knew he was going to face from Angel. He might not be able to be with Fred anymore but he hated to see the fighting that went on between the two of them over Buffy. It reminded him uncomfortably of his relationship with Gunn. Things had to be resolved and now was the time to ask for help. His conscience absolved he slid down the back of the door grasping the bottle by its neck. All attempts at the niceties of manners forgotten as he swigged from the bottle. The sound of fighting out in the other room sealed the fact that this is where he was going to spend the rest of the night. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wesley woke up with his hand in the toilet. Unfortunately for Angel in that hand was the now defunct cell phone. His head was pounding and to say that he felt horrible would be the understatement of the year. He felt like he had been turned inside out and if the pounding in his head didn’t abate he might actually be sick. ‘A Price never drank more than he could hold,’ his father’s disapproving voice echoed in his head. Only making him feel sicker. What the hell did he drink? Lighter fluid? Why was he holding Angel’s cell phone anyways? He lay down on the blessedly cool tile floor and swore to God that this would be the last time he ever drank. The thought of moving to get the bottle of aspirin from the medicine cabinet was sending warning messages to his stomach. He was much better off just lying here... Angel winced as he tried to move his arm to grab the unbroken mug down from the cabinet. He could see Spike out of the corner of his eye sitting on the countertop smirking at him and it made him see red. Stifling a groan Angel grabbed a pint of blood from the fridge and poured it into the one remaining mug. The remembrance of Spike making him ‘cry uncle’ was almost too much to bear. The fighting had gone on almost all night until the two of them were exhausted. Brute force didn’t get him anywhere. Spike was just too quick and gave far more that he got. To have had to concede to Spike a second time was the ultimate humiliation. One that Spike would never let him forget. For an eternity. He groaned out loud. Spike knew what was going on in Angel’s head. Could a bloke with a stone cold expression be more obvious? Somewhere in the middle of the fight Spike realized that they were really tearing up the ex-Watcher’s place. As much as he loved sparring with Angel it would destroy what little that had already escaped destruction. Wesley was an alright guy he didn’t deserve to have this done to his stuff. The fight needed to be wrapped up quick. Decision made he felt the tingling start at the base of his spine coursing up through him till it it expanded behind his eyes. Angel saw the bright blue glow coming from Spike’s eyes and was unable to look away. ‘Shit it’s true that he has thrall,’ was his last independent thought. Spike hated doing this. It took a lot out of him and would leave him feeling hollow inside for the rest of the day. Dealing with Dru for a century had forced him to learn different ways to calm her down and this way was always the very last resort. He always felt like he cheated after he used it because of the unfair advantage it gave him. “Peaches you and me are going to have a talk. Well, I talk, you listen and obey. You will not ask me to leave again. I am staying and there is no need to argue. You agree? Say yes.” Angel slowly nodded his head. “‘Right then. Fights over.” He released him from the thrall the strain being too much to handle. He couldn’t have lasted much more, another reason to keep this trick as an ace-in-the-hole. It was too hard to keep up control over someone else’s mind for any long period of time. And at best, what was said was a very strong suggestion. The only thing that might work in his favor is that Angel, the stupid git, bought into this crap. Angel’s wide puppy dog eyes blinked twice and then narrowed menacingly at Spike. “Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Peaches. I said no more fighting. I would hate to have to force you to bleach your hair to be just like mine. It might improve your love life though!” Angel looked horrified before backing down saying, “Who wants to fight? I really think Buffy is better off with you here anyways. I’ve rethought my position on this matter.” Leave it to Angel to take the suggestion and turn it into his idea. As long as he buggers off... that’s all that mattered. The thought of having to go back to Italy and see Buffy terrified him worse than the upcoming war that was heading their way. She had been with the Immortal when he saw her last and he was sure that he couldn’t stand it if her saw her with him again. He had thought that maybe something had been growing between them right before the final fight with the First. He replayed the last moments in his head of Buffy’s final words. She had finally told that she loved him. He had desperately wanted to believe that they were true. He didn’t know what to believe now and it hurt to think that she moved on. His uncertainty about his reception wasn’t the only thing that was keeping him from going though. He had been accepted here. Well everyone but Angel liked or at least tolerated him. Much more so than the Scoobies had ever come close to. He would do just about anything to hold Buffy in his arms again but leaving them now felt so wrong. He was needed and somewhat respected. Wesley and Gunn were good mates. The tragedy that happened to Fred and to Wesley... He needed to see this thing through. It was about respect. There would be time for Buffy after the fight was over. He told himself that he wasn’t making excuses... Alright, maybe just a little but it was because it was so important that he got it right this time. He just wasn’t sure what to do to make it right. He needed more time... He broke off staring at Angel as he loitered around the kitchen. Just to annoy him he put his tongue behind his front teeth and smiled tauntingly at him. Angel turned to glare at him while his blood was heating up in the microwave and was rewarded by Spike laughing out loud as he pushed off the countertop. He swaggered past him and turn to face him from the doorway, “Are you gonna brood all day ya ponce? I beat you. I stay. That’s the end of it.” That’s all it took... Angel vamped out. Spike was more than ready, “You want more of this?” he pointed to his head then at Angel. Then made voo-doo claw like motions with his hands toward Angel. Angel blanched. Spike didn’t know that a vampire could even do that but here was proof. Angel dropped the game face immediately and put a shaking hand to his perfectly gelled head. Giving it a reassuring pat that he would never let anything happen to it. Spike laughed evilly. This was going to be sooo much fun. Just then he heard a deathlike groan coming from the bathroom. All laughter gone he turned and ran toward the bathroom and flung open the door. Peaches right behind him. Wesley lay on the floor. The scent of alcohol was overpowering in this tiny room. The empty bottle laying on it’s side a testament to Wesley’s drinking prowess. It looked like he was truly paying the price for it now. “Aspirin...” was all that Wesley could croak out. Spike stepped over him to the medicine cabinet and filled the tumbler that was on the counter with cold water. Squatting down he leaned over and handed him the aspirin and water. “You alright?” “I’ll be fine. Just need a moment.” He scooted up against the wall and downed the aspirin with one swig. “You two done fighting?” “We came to an understanding.” Angel was quick to say. “I’m staying...” Spike answered smirking. “Right. We’re going to need you in the upcoming events. I’m glad.” Wesley managed a weak smile. Spike gave him a hand up. Angel broke in, “Wes, what is my phone doing in the toilet?” ~~~~~~~~~~ In Rome Buffy sat belly up to the bar looking a little uneasy. You could tell that she really didn’t get out much and wasn’t at ease in the whole bar scene. Faith watched her nervously twirl the umbrella in her drink and saw her look around the bar quickly not making eye contact with anyone. Her body language screamed stay away. A couple of guys in there weren’t getting the message and started over to her swaggering over confidently. Buffy looked up startled at the two guys in front of her. Now that The Immortal had let it be know that he had ‘tired’ of her she was getting hit on by any guy with a pulse. Faith saw the look turn to outrage and hurried over there before Buffy could get them thrown out. Faith came around Buffy’s side and put her arm around her possessively. “Can’t I take a piss before you are off cheating on me?” Faith said with a menacing look at Buffy. She zeroed in on the two idiots in front of her. “Listen guys she’s mine. So back off. She’s not interested.” The two guys looked at each other kinda smirked and walked off. God only knew what was going on in their minds. “Thanks, Faith... I think...” Buffy’s eyebrows shot up. “Well I took a gamble there... usually they take off embarrassed but there is always the chance that they will stick around hoping to see some action.” Faith grinned. “Especially when it’s two gorgeous looking slayers like us. Wanna give ‘em a show?” Faith joked. Buffy just rolled here eyes. Sometime she was just too much. It was impossible not to laugh. There were a couple of tables scattered about and since it was still early they were mostly empty. The two eldest Slayers grabbed their drinks and sat down in a more secluded area. They had fallen into a routine where just the two of them went out for a drink on Friday nights. It was comfortable now and most of their issues were worked out. Faith understood how she was feeling and just let her be. She never pushed or asked how she was feeling but, would really listen if Buffy had something to say. It wasn’t about judgement or weighing every action it was more about being there and accepting. For Buffy these nights were special. She had let go of her anger towards Faith. It was hard to stay mad at someone when you realized that you made terrible mistakes along the way too. They had come through all of their problems with a new commitment to a healthy relationship. One where they weren’t constantly competing against each other for everyone else’s approval. They didn’t get jealous of one another and tried to help each other out. Faith had been there through many hard times. Causing more than a few of them. But ever since she had found Katrina’s lifeless body... and thought that she had been the cause of her death Buffy had a deeper sense of just how much hurt, guilt and helpless anger that Faith had gone through. Faith had turned on Buffy in displaced rage. While, Buffy had found an outlet for that rage in Spike. She hurt Spike like she had been hurting. She ended up taking her rage out on him. And funneled her guilt into every punch. Each blow only making it that much worse. Making her want to tear everything in her path to pieces. Broken and bleeding he still managed to forgive her for what she had done to him. How could Buffy not do the same for Faith. Knowing how it felt inside and how she had reacted like Faith did to her. It was a never ending circle. The rage pushing her to hurt and hurt bringing on the guilt till she had been miserable. There were many reasons that she had to respect Faith but being able to pull herself up out of that was amazing. When she had turned herself in to the authorities it been a turning point for their relationship. At the time, Buffy hadn’t been able to forgive yet but it had been a step in the right direction. Buffy was proud of Faith for the way she had grown into a caring compassionate woman. Faith tried to reach out now and wasn’t completely shut off from the people around her. She was more defensive than most but that was just her. All of the SIT were in awe of her and really looked up to her for training and Faith responded to their need by blossoming into a nurturing caring woman. Well caring in her unorthodox way, of course. Faith really never had expected Buffy to forgive her for the things that she had done to her and her friends. She had held on to the hope that maybe someday she would be allowed to tell her just how sorry she was for her actions. Everything had just went out of control. Every choice she had made had just made it worse. She was grateful for Buffy’s friendship. She cared for her like a sister and in many ways they had a friendly competitive relationship like they truly were sisters. She knew the loneliness and responsibility that being a Slayer had put on Buffy. She had felt those things too but, like so many of her choices she had taken the easy way out. Held herself responsible for nothing. Those days were over. She wanted to be proud of herself and took the time to care about others. She tried to treat people better and realized that not everyone was on the take. This last year had been about fixing the pieces within herself that had been broken. She had learned to trust again thanks to Buffy. Actually Xander had been a big help too. He had helped her realize that not all of the relationships in her past had been completely destructive. He was sweet. He made her feel like she was young again. And had all of her choices ahead of her. Wood on the other hand, had gotten so possessive of her that finally Buffy had asked Giles to send him off to Cleveland just to give her some room. He was always suspecting things that weren’t there and she had finally been forced to call it off between them. She had such high hopes for him when they had started off... She hadn’t counted on his jealous streak that was a mile wide. And for once she had been behaving. Wanting a real relationship based in trust. When she figured out that he wasn’t ever going to trust her in that way it had been time to call it quits. It had been ugly. Why was she wasting time thinking about him when they could be having fun? She turned to Buffy who had been scoping out the dance floor. “Let’s dance.” Five hours later an exhausted Buffy quietly shut the door behind her. Her feet were killing her. How was she supposed to dance in five inch heels all night long. She reached down and undid one of the straps letting it fall noiselessly to the ground. Then the other one joined the pile. She smiled remembering how they had pretty much cleared the dance floor by the end of the night. A throng of people surrounding them. Mostly men. She went to put her purse down on the entry way table and noticed five messages on the answering machine. She put one well manicured finger on the button and pressed play... ~~~~~~~ Buffy hit the play button and a low melodic string of Italian words filled the air. She didn’t understand a word of it. Not like she hadn’t picked up a few words of Italian... she was doing good with signora and the whole pasta family of words like lasagna, fettuccine, ravioli and there was her favorite word ciao. So sophisticated. She might not understand the words coming out of the answering machine but she definitely knew the tone of them... Upbeat, chipper, no one is that impossibly happy. It was a telemarketer. Who knew that they would be getting those annoying calls in Italy. Buffy wondered if there was a Do Not Call List here too. She made a mental note to research it. It’s kinda sad when the research that she had to do these days was so mundane. She pressed the skip button to the next call. Xander’s voice blared out at her. Buffy nervously looked in the direction of Dawn and Andrew’s bedrooms. Where was the volume control on this thing? “Andrew for the last time stop leaving me e-mail, voice mails and in general harassing me. There is no way you are going to convince me that the Ewoks in Star Wars Episode VI: The Return of the Jedi were, in fact, Xahn Gurth demons. You can see the zippers down their backs... Not a Lucas shining special effect moment. If Xahn Gurth demons got together in an amount like they used in the movie they would have set off a spawning episode that would still be going on today... Not a pretty picture. No Ewok on Ewok loving for me! Uh, I hope that you are getting this message if not... Dawn... Buffy... Disregard anything that you heard before and uh, Hi?” Beep. Buffy shook her head smiling wryly. Next message Buffy immediately recognized the carefully modulated tones of Giles. “Hello, Buffy. Just calling to see how you and Dawn are doing. Things are going well here. Willow and I are settled in at the Coven and we are going through more training. Sorry it took so long to call but we have had a grueling schedule. I hoped to catch you at home. Everything is progressing well. Willow has shown amazing strides in dealing with her new found wealth of “white” magic. They have us channeling it in positive ways. I rather thought that I wouldn’t be necessary here but their Seer assures me that I must stay and that I am very much needed so I won’t be coming back as planned. I guess I am going to consider this as a Holiday. I shall catch up with my research. And help where I can. Give me a ring when you get a chance.” Beep. Well at least Giles had called to let her know what was going on. That was a new theme in their relationship. He tried to treat her as an equal instead of his pupil. He didn’t decide anything for her now. Ever since that disastrous decision with Wood. He had apologized over and over but, things were still a little strained between them. Focusing on the next message Buffy realized that it was Giles again... Not a good sign. He was like clockwork. One perfunctory call and that was it. This smelled of trouble of the very big kind. “Buffy... Buffy if you are there pick up... Damn!” Also not a good sign. Giles rarely cursed in front of her. “Buffy listen closely... When you get this message you are going to have to take the next flight out to the States. Gather as many of the Slayers as you can round up. The Coven’s Seer has had a vision... and Buffy there is no easy way to tell you this but, it involves Angel. Something is happening there and we need to stop it from getting out of hand. This is going to be big. I think it might spark off a major war. Angel needs our help. Willow and I are going to go through a ritual with the Coven and they are going to teleport us to the Hyperion. Angel still owns it and it is a good meeting place for everyone. I haven’t been able to get in touch with Angel. All I know is that time is of the essence.Please hurry be ready for anything and as always be careful.” Buffy was stunned. Why hadn’t Angel called her for help himself? He probably thought he could handle it. He never let her know when he needed help. Why did she bother calling him to let him know what was going on... Not that they had talked more than a handful of times this year. She could tell that he felt guilty about giving her the amulet. And what it had cost her. She wasn’t angry at him... about that. He had offered to wear it himself. It was his stupid arrogance that he was going to come through everything just fine. HE didn’t need HER help because of that stupid shawshank prophesy he was always going on about. He was destined to play a HUGE part in upcoming battles for good... for evil... only he knew for sure. He was just sooo important that everyone wanted him on their side. He just made her blood boil. Well he was getting help whether he wanted it or not. Buffy had turned to grab the phone to call Faith so she could round the others up. When she heard a vaguely familiar voice... “Buffy... It’sssh Wessshley Windham Prisshe. I don’t have time to explain everything but Angel is going up againssht The Shircle of the Black Thorn. The fighting hasn’t started yet but it’ssh going to be another apocalypse. Angel is going to need help. Sshlayer help. Giles must know, of course.” Wesley sounded wasted. But knowing Wesley the information that he was telling her was one hundred percent correct. Buffy changed her mind and started to dial up Giles he would have to be filled in on the details. The message continued, “For sshome unknown reason Angel wouldn’t let us tell you, but, I think it’s time for you to know that Sshhpike has been back amoungsssht ussh for quite some time. Andrew will fill you in. Buffy hurry there’s not much time.” Buffy felt her world drop away. One word echoing over and over... Spike. ~~~~~~~~ She felt numb. All feeling was centered on the turmoil inside of her. Her heart started racing and she felt dizzy. She hadn’t even dared to hope that he might come back... He had died a mystical death. There was always that loophole. She was living proof right? Spike. Alive. Spike. Alive. L.A. Spike. Is he okay? I have to see him. Oh God... Spike. Each thought crashing over and over in her head. Overwhelming joy fought with confusion. How? Then she focused on the one word that could give her answers... Andrew. Her eyes narrowed. He had known? He had known and hadn’t told her? He is a Watcher-in-Training but this was pure unadulterated full blown Watcher style of withholding the truth. She stalked purposefully towards his bedroom and opened the door. Andrew was sleeping on his back. His mouth open softly snoring.The Star Wars night light softly glowing next to his bed. Buffy stood silhouetted against the light from the entryway. She couldn’t remember a time where she felt more rage directed at one of her friends. She tried to reign it in... afraid that she would hurt him. She walked toward the foot of the bed anger making her body shake. She climbed on the bed and straddling him so that he no chance to escape. She shook him by his shoulders. “Andrew wake up... Get up...” she said harshly. His eyes snapped open his mouth a soft ‘oh’ of surprise. “Sweet, sweet Buffy,” he said sleepily, “You just couldn’t resist the siren call of my bed... Not many women can. Oh, they try but with my irresistible good looks and...” Buffy carefully controlled herself... The urge to pummel him was extremely strong. She leaned closer until her face was inches away from his. Andrew’s eyes fluttered and he dramatically pursed his lips. Rolling her eyes she brought her hand up before his face and flicked him on the forehead. “Oowww! What is that for?” “Andrew if you have any chance of surviving this night you will tell me, in detail, how you trip to L.A. went and who exactly did you see there...” ‘It was here,’ Andrew thought wildly, ‘the black day that I have been dreading. Buffy finally knows the most painful, torturous secret I have ever had to keep. The glorious knowledge that William the Bloody had indeed, somehow survived the cataclysm in Sunnydale. I took an oath and bound by that horrible oath I could not reveal the miracle that is Spike... Oh! hateful promise, you have brought me so low...’ Buffy glared at him and brought her hand up swiftly and flicked him on the forehead again. “That was my final warning, Andrew! You won’t like what I do next! So spill.” Andrew rubbed his forehead looking at Buffy pleadingly, “You don’t know what you are asking me. I made a promise. A sacred oath of trust that one must never break...” Buffy her patience gone brought her hand up to Andrew’s face and pinched his nose. She had enough of his stalling and wanted answers. Out of sheer desperation she asked, “Do you want me to get Dawn in here?” Andrew violently shuddered but remained impassive. His eyes darting around for any chance of escape. Buffy noticed and shook her head warningly at him. “You had your chance... DAAAAWWWN! DAAAAWWWN, Get in here!” They heard the sound of Dawn’s feet hitting the ground and the second noise of the the weapons chest being hurriedly opened. Then, not seven seconds after the first yell Dawn stood in the doorway. Buffy was impressed by her fast response time. Dawn shook her hair out of her face and asked, “What’s going on in here? Buffy you’re not killing us again are you?” “Dawn... I have some good news and some bad. Let’s start with the good. Spike is alive and is somewhere in L.A. He somehow survived Sunnydale and is working with Angel...” Buffy didn’t get any further. Dawn’s eyes had misted over and she let out an unearthly squeal of happiness. She was practically jumping up and down with an axe in hands. Andrew’s face had gone pale and his breathing had become irregular. He never took his eyes off of Dawn for a second. He knew what was going to come next. “The bad news,” Buffy continued, “is that another apocalypse is on the rise in L.A. and is headed straight for them. Also, Andrew here has known about it for about... When was his trip to L.A.? Oh yeah... Six months ago.” Dawn stood stock still. Her hand now bouncing the axe down against her other hand with a resounding thwap. “He refuses to say anything... a sworn oath means more than our happiness. Our trust that has been broken...” Dawn took one step forward. Andrew started weeping. Crumbling under the combined threat of the Summer sisters. “Oh alright, I never meant to hurt you guys... I thought that you would find out from him. And I promised.” He said as if it explained everything. He sighed, “I saw Spike in L.A. He came back from the amulet. From what I was able to deduce he was incorporeal for a while and had just become solid shortly before I arrived. He seemed the same suavely handsome, chiseled self. He made me promise that I wouldn’t tell you that he had come back. He wanted you both to be happy and he thought you had a chance to be happy now out of Sunnydale and all that had connected you to it. Then, when Angel and him came out here looking for Buffy, last weekend I thought for sure that they would find you. But I guess they must have missed you. You being at the Immortal’s and all... They seemed a little miffed at the mention of him though. I let them know that you cared for them both and that you were happy. I thought that you might be mad at missing them so when you didn’t mention seeing them I kept quiet.” Buffy looked at him blackly. “What? I had a sacred oath to keep here...” Dawn looked at Buffy who had remained uncommonly quiet throughout the whole story. That wasn’t a good sign. ‘She must be in shock... I know I am. Yay! Spike’s alive. Buffy is going to be sooo happy. I hope that she’s not ashamed of her fling with the Immortal. It would be just like her to be guilty about that. It wasn’t as if she knew that Spike was alive. Anyways the Immortal jerk has been out of the picture for a while now. It’s nothing to feel sorry about.’ Dawn thought. Buffy was sorry. One white little lie... It made things easier. Pretend to be dating. Pretend that it wasn’t killing her. Pretend that her life wasn’t empty without Spike. Her friends had been the only thing left. She wanted them to not worry about her. Only with Xander had she been honest enough to let him know the depths of her pain. Faith had seen some of the wreckage and wasn’t dumb enough to fall for the dating routine. But Faith hadn’t had enough courage to ask what was going on.She didn’t think that she had the right to pry. Not when they had their new tenuous friendship. Buffy had been tempted and took the easy way out.’Oh... What’s it going to hurt let everyone believe that you have moved on?’ Except finding out that it had kept her away from the one truly important man in her life. The man that she had realized almost to late that he was the real love of her life. He had come here. That was the important fact. He had come to her and he thought that she had moved on. The pain inside her went deep. She had made so many stupid decisions in the past with him. This time it would be different. She would make him see how she felt about him. Andrew was sobbing uncontrollably. Buffy put a comforting hand on his face wiping away the tears. She looked up at Dawn noticing the tears streaking down her face. She put out her other arm and gathered Dawn and Andrew into the most uncomfortable hug ever. She looked at them with a new fire in her eyes and said. “We’re going to L.A.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In L.A. They only had this day left... He stared down at what was left of his apartment. Everything was in shambles and it looked like a tornado had gone through the place. You would think that with the wealth of splintered wood lying around that at least one of the two vampires would be dusted. He tried to muster up some anger, even remorse for things destroyed that he had that were once important to him. He only felt empty. The things didn’t matter to him. Well maybe his books did... that was all he had left. What good was he without them? He was needed only for his mind. And lately that had been soaked in alcohol. Fred was gone. Nothing was going to take her place. He felt all joy had gone out of his life. He kept on going through the motions. The same stubbornness that had seen him through having his throat slit. For being a Judas in his friends eyes. For living even though he felt like he should be dead. Ashamed and hurt. Unworthy. He couldn’t quit. He found that he could still care about ideals and for some people... He still wanted to make things right. To somehow fix things so he could look at himself in the eye and feel that he had done enough. He was firmly committed to standing up to and ending the evil of Wolfram & Hart. He knew that this upcoming mission was almost impossible. It was his gordian knot. Since he couldn’t affect things from within Wolfram & Hart he would slice right through it. Hopefully to its heart. Stopping it for a moment. It would be enough for him. It had taken all the things that had mattered from him. Lilah was gone to him. Knowing that she was forever in their service her soul gone for eternity. He thought about her a lot. He had tried to burn up her contract with the company to set her soul free. Only to see another reappear in its place. She was beyond his reach. And he grieved for her. There had been something about her that said that she could have been good if given the chance. She had been changing. He had seen the signs. He saw redemption in her future and then she was killed. All of her possibilities shattered. Wolfram & Hart had definitely taken Fred away from him. Her soul burnt up so that something godlike could take its place. Left him with Illyria. Illyria that could, at times, be so much like Fred that it hurt. It was like seeing a car wreck... it was so morbid but you couldn’t tear your gaze away. All the glow that Fred had was still there when you saw Illyria. It was like looking at Fred as she truly was. Not an imitation but her. That is why he would do anything to keep Illyria from acting like Fred. He could manage fine being around her as Illyria but, seeing her act as Fred just poured salt into the wound. It had been tearing him to pieces. Part of him was intrigued by Illyria and he hated himself for it. How could he be interested in the thing that had killed his love. He had a coldness inside him where he could clinically observe her and be asking himself if there was a way that he could study her. Measure her powers and classify her. Maybe figure out what had actually happened to Fred’s soul. So he could finally know and let it rest. He had brought Illyria back from Spike’s apartment. Her wounds had healed and you couldn’t tell that they ever were there. She seemed mentally scarred from the beating that she had taken from Marcus. It was obvious that she wasn’t accustomed to being on that end of the fight. Wesley had tried to talk to her but after refusing to let her look like Fred she had closed herself off. She stared absently at the scattered remains of one of his chairs. Broken and battered. He hoped that she was ready to face her part of the plan tonight. Four members of the Blackthorn... He remembered her fighting skill... her strength and reassures himself that she will be fine. He stops. Why is he worrying about her, of them all, she’s the fiercest. He only has to face Vail. An invalid. An immensely world bending powerful invalid. He made a mental note to bring his knives and personal stash of mojo for backup. He was ready no matter what it took he would get the job done. This had to mean something. For all that was lost there had to be some sort of retaliation... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Illyria looked down at the shattered leg of Wesley’s chair. That was how she had been when they had found her. Weak. Shattered. She knew now that she did not like those feelings. They were unfamiliar. Before she was contained that grovelling slave couldn’t have come close to touching her. She had been infinite. She felt her boundaries now... constraining. Fragile. As she had lay there broken she had felt the spark. The spark that she had always been able to control. To banish. Flare. It had warmed her. Comforted. Spoke. Whispering nonsense words in a singsong voice that soothed. It was still there getting stronger as she was weak and healing. The words clearer with more direction. The one word repeating was Wesley. She looked up into a pair of blue eyes. She saw pain flash in them. She felt pain too. She clamped down on the spark willing it to be quiet. Wanting to not feel these things. She stood stock still. The war that was raging inside of her unnoticed. She needed to hurt the Wolf Ram & Hart. They had done this to her. They must pay. Vengeance was something that the spark and her understood very well. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He had done it. The swirl of guilt ran through his mind. Drogan’s blood streamed through his veins strong and powerful. He pushed away any thoughts of remorse. It was done and there was no turning back now. There had been no other choice left open for him. Now, with his plan in place for Lindsey, he could afford no second guessing of himself. Lorne would follow through on his part of the deal... repugnant as it was for him. Lindsey was evil and he had already consigned him to a hell dimension once already. Angel couldn’t waste time worrying about the fine line between right and wrong. He had made the hard decisions and everyone had better fall in line or the whole plan would collapse. The sewer was especially rank today. He couldn’t risk taking one of the cars and letting Wolfram & Hart in on where he was going. He came up to the surface in the shadow of a strip mall. He had kept tabs on Connor since his “parents” had brought him in a few months ago. This whole situation would have never come to be without Connor. His love for Connor was unconditional and uncontrollable. It made him do things that he would normally never do. Like taking over Wolfram & Hart. He would do it over again in an instant... Even if it meant losing Cordelia and Fred. For Connor. He walked into coffee shop and spotted Connor going over his notes with a Grand Cafe Mocha in front of him. Figures he likes whipped cream... Just like his mom. His smile genuine Angel waves awkwardly. “Hey... Umm... Connor, right?” Connor looked up his gaze clear but quickly becomes shrouded when he recognizes Angel. “Oh, hi.” “Uh... What are you studying there?” Angle tried for the small talk. Connor shook his dirty blonde hair out of his face, and looked at Angel directly, “I know that you are my father. I have all the memories back. They’re there mixed up with my new ones, like a bad dream. An inappropriate erotic bad dream?...with a cheerleader?” Angel looks like he’s been punched in the gut. “Do... Umm... Do you have any questions? Uhhh... Not about that... The cheerleader thing,” he said uncomfortably. Connor shook his head, “I understand what you did. I am grateful but I just... I just don’t want to talk about it.” Angel wanted thing to be better between them but he had given up so much just to make it even this much better for him so he didn’t push. “Well if you ever have questions you know where to find me... I hope... I want you to be happy.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lorne struggled to try and choke down what passed as a seabeeze in this tired karoake bar. He sighed. It was probably for the best. His gut was churning over and over. He had thought that a drink might calm him down. It wasn’t going to be that easy for him. Angel’s request for him to “back up” Lindsey weighed on him. The thought of intentionally hurting another made him feel queasy. He hated fighting. That was the reason he had been relieved to be here rather than in his home dimension of Pylea. That Angel had let it come to this was what was really bothering him. He had followed Angel before and tried to help in any way that he was able. But, this wasn’t what he believed in. Angel was going in the wrong direction. He would do what was asked... This one last time and that was it. Then he was done. He heard his name called and stepped on to the stage... “If I Ruled The World” was never sung better. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He looked up and down the street cautiously. Some habits died hard. It was a good thing that they didn’t. Charles looked around at what had been his home. Where he had grown up. Where he had lost Alonna. It never stopped hurting. Even now thinking about how he wasn’t able to saved her. Hadn’t kept her safe. He was all that she had. It didn’t matter that he had dusted hundreds of vampires. It mattered that he had dusted her. His sister. He had nowhere to go. No one who really cared. Just what was left of his friends and tonight he had to make a difference. There was no room for mistakes. What did he have now... A fancy suit? A dead ex-girlfriend? Another casualty to his ego? He felt that what they were doing tonight was the right thing to do. To finally go up against the evil instead of sucking up to it. Angel’s plan to take over Wolfram & Hart from the inside was at best delusional. There was no stopping evil that you shook hands with. He was so ready to tear each and every vampire to shreds with his own bare hands if need be. The Senator was about to be voted out of office and back into hell. He would try to change things down here. He would care. For the people that had it the hardest. He headed over to the shelter to see if there was anything that he could do to help. He was going to spend his day trying to make whatever difference he could. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Whiskey. More. More. More. His hands were shaking. He had thought of calling Buffy. What do you say to someone who you love when you know that you are probably not going to see them again. That had been his whole reason for existence since he came back. He must see Buffy. Buffy would see that he had changed now. That he was worthy. That his soul was every bit as worthy to love as Angel’s was. He had sacrificed himself. To save the world. But for him it had been to save Buffy and Dawn, the bit. When he had finally gotten his chance to go to Italy it was the defining moment of his unlife. And Buffy had moved on. It had been a year. She had no reason to know that he was alive. If it would matter or not was the question. He wanted to be big enough to accept those reasons but seeing her with the Immortal had just reaffirmed all of Angel’s snide comments. ‘That why would Buffy care if he had come back? That she hadn’t felt the connection between them. That nothing was going to compare to the great love of 1999. And his one shiny perfect moment. The git! And what was with all the cookie dough comments? You would think that he had a sweet tooth but the guy never touched anything that resembled human food...’ He couldn’t get drunk enough for what he wanted to do. Which was to call Buffy up and tell her how he really felt. To let all of his feeling come out and just be done with it... Buffy never seemed to handle his confessions the way he hoped she would. All the times in the past when he told her how he felt always ended up in disaster. Since there was no way that a long distance phone call was in his future he settled down to pass the rest of the day with his second love, poetry. He could channel all of his feeling into it. And be held up for public humiliation, again... Another shot. “Keep it coming... Damn, gimme the bottle.” |