Baby did a Bad Thing

Rating: NC-17

Summary: First in Baby Series. Spike leaves before the end of Tabula Rasa and doesn't return until after Hells Bells. How did Buffy cope without him?

Chapter 1 - Voices Echo

War with yourself
Makes you feel better
Caught behind the lines
Troubles child
Faith finds a cure
It makes you feel better
You know you can shine
Troubled child

Voices echo, from the past
Decisions made for you
Trials they made
To touch your heart
Never found their way
Journey

I really hadn't meant to stay away as long as I did. But there wasn't much choice. Dru had gotten into trouble and called for me. What could I say? She was my sire and had been my lover for a hundred years of evil bliss. So, I went. Got her out of her trouble with the vampire she was involved with. Took her to Europe and left her there. With relief.

There was only thing on my mind. A pair of green eyes. Green eyes looking into mine right before she kissed me. That one kiss had sustained me through six months of walking through the hell that had been my life before I met her. And if Drusilla hadn't called there would have been more kisses. That night we had lost our memories. After the spell had been broken she had left hints for me. A candy trail for the Big Bad to follow to his little Red Riding Hood. Where there would have been goodies for both of us. But now I could only hope that there was some chance to start things going again.

There was something different. I could feel it even before I opened the door. Moving slowly I entered my crypt. Yeah, someone had been here while I was gone. There were fast food wrappers and soda cans on the table and floor next to the couch. Anger coursed through me as I thought about someone just helping themselves to my shit. Which was actually kinda funny because that's how I had gotten most of the stuff myself. By stealing it.

I threw my bag down on the ground and kicked at a pile of clothes by the entrance. Then it hit me. Her scent. It was everywhere. That unique scent of musky spices that was always clinging to her. Like shadows did to night. Picking up the clothes I saw that they were hers.

"Buffy, you here?" I called out to her.

But there was only silence. I made my way downstairs to the bedroom thinking she might be down there and just hadn't heard me. Her clothes were scattered around the room, makeup covered the top of the dresser and her comforter was spread across the bed. Walking over to the bed to see what pictures she had left propped on the nightstand. They were of Dawn and Joyce. Smiling I ran a finger over their faces. Something about those Summers' women that got to me. All of them.

One of my t-shirts was lying on the floor I bent over to pick it up. Bringing it to my face I could smell her on it. A groan made it's way from my throat and my body responded to the image of her wearing my clothes. It was a groan of passion and possessiveness. Of wanting to take it off her again. I quickly shook my head to clear my thoughts. There were other things to think about. Like why she was living here and where she was now. What had happened to Dawn?

"Well, there is only one way to find out." I muttered to myself before leaving the crypt again.

Her house was all lit up. She may not live there but someone did. When no one answered my knock I opened the door and started to walk in. And I hit a barrier. Someone had uninvited me.

"Buffy, Dawn, are you here?" I hollered into the house. At first there was silence then the sound of pounding feet on the upstairs hallway. Soon Dawn was running down the stairs. It seemed like she almost leapt from the middle of the staircase into my arms. Her arms wrapped around me in a vise like grip. It surprised me at first then it felt good to be welcomed. I put my arms around her and hugged her back.

"You came back. You came back." She whispered over and over into my ear. Her tears hitting my neck where her face was buried.

"Yeah, Niblet, I'm back. What's going on?"

"Dawn, come back in the house." It was Giles. He was standing in the doorway holding onto the door.

Dawn wouldn't let go though. Finally Giles reached out and grabbed her shoulder. She tried to shrug him off.

"Dawn, now! In the house!"

Finally she let go and backed up into the house.

"Giles, why can't Dawn see me?" I know that I wasn't a favored son or anything but they had never kept her away from me before.

"Dawn, go upstairs. I need to talk to Spike."

Giles turned to look at Dawn while she gave me one last pleading look before she turned upstairs. After she had disappeared back up the stairs Giles looked back at me.

"Dawn is in my custody now. And part of that responsibility is making sure she stays away from Buffy and her influence."

I couldn't believe my ears. Buffy and her influence?

"What do you mean?" I kinda said it in a half laugh. This was ridiculous.

"They were going to put Dawn in a foster home. Buffy couldn't handle it anymore. She signed her guardianship over to me."

Giles looked at me with sadness in his eyes. It had to be killing him for Buffy to have not been able to handle everything.

"Spike, stay away from Dawn." Then he closed the door in my face. Just like that I was dismissed with still a thousand questions.

I lit a cigarette as I made my back to my bike. Then I heard a window opening upstairs.

"Spike!"

Dawn was hanging out the window of Buffy's old room.

"The Edge of Paradise. She's there."

Then she was gone. The Edge of Paradise was a bar at the edge of town. It's clientele not the best. Working men, bikers and a little bit of demon thrown in the mix. The thought of Buffy there made my stomach curl. There was only one type of woman that visited there or worked there. And if she was that sort of woman now somebody was going to be seriously hurt.

Chapter 2 - Bad Girls Go Everywhere

No one said it had to be real,
But it's got to be something you can reach out and feel now
It ain't right, it ain't fair
Castles fall in the sand, and we fade in the air,
And the good girls go to heaven and the bad girls go everywhere
Meatloaf

The bar was busy. The rock music poured out into the crowded parking lot. After leaving my bike on the side of the building I made my way to the front door. Handed the man my cover charge and wandered in. I stayed to the side in the shadows. Wanted to see her before she saw me. At first I couldn't locate her but then I spotted her. Standing next to a table apparently taking an order. One of the idiots had the audacity to lean against her as she bent down to hear him. Then she laughed at something he said and walked away.

I almost gasped in shock and desire when I saw her walking away. Her hair was wild and falling all over the place. Her makeup was heavier than I had ever seen. She was wearing a red shirt over a red lace bra. The shirt wasn't buttoned just tied under her breasts. There was a long look at her stomach before the top of her cut off jean shorts began. The waistband had been ripped off and they just hung on her hips and the curve of her ass. Covering her legs were black leather boots lacing up to her knees. I never thought I would see her looking so hot anywhere but in my fantasies. I was beginning to wonder if I had come back to the right universe.

She made her way behind the bar to start pulling the draft beers for the guys. When she squatted behind the bar to get something I slid into a seat on the other side of the bar from her and waited.

"I'll be with you in just a minute." She called up to me. A few seconds later her head popped back up with her hands full of napkins. I just smiled as her eyes flew wide with recognition.

"Spike?" She managed to squeak out before she started to drop the napkins. Making a grab for them she disappeared again as knelt to pick up the ones that got away. Laughing at her unease was probably a mistake as she came back up flashing fire.

"I have to take care of my customers. Arnie will take your order." She turned and stomped off with a full tray of drinks.

A rather large man with a gut to match came over and stood in front of me. He didn't look real happy that I was messing with one of his 'girls'.

"Sorry pal. Knew the chit a while back. Just got back into town and I guess I surprised her." I tried to explain to Arnie. Wouldn't hurt to do a little male bonding with the guy because I planned on keeping myself right here until Buffy got off work.

"Don't care. Don't start trouble and if you're sitting you had better be ordering." He told me.
Oh, well, so much for making friends.

"Whiskey. And a draft to wash it down." I laid my money down on the bar first so he knew I was serious.

After getting my drinks I moved to a table in the corner. Figured I would get out of the way but yet get a clear view of the action. Well, actually so I could keep an eye on Buffy. She seemed at ease here. It was clear that she knew a lot of the regulars and they knew her. But they also seemed to respect her. Not to say they weren't feeling what they could when they could. It just wasn't overly vulgar grabs. Maybe she had taken a few out along the way and word had gotten out.
Time dragged out as I waited. Another waitress named Mitzi came over once in a while to bring me more beer. Kept tipping her good. Not my usual style but I knew she would let Buffy know. A man has to make an impression anyway he can.

After about two hours Buffy made her way over to my table and sat down across from me.

"I'm on break." She explained as she reached for my pack of smokes and lighter.

I leaned back in my chair and watched her. There were no innocent moves on her part. She shook a cigarette out and lit it with practiced ease. Exhaling smoke in my direction she looked up at me.

"So, what's going on, pet?" I asked her as she just silently watched me.

"Work here now. Have been living at your place. Other than that not much." She tried to explain in a nonchalant voice. It might have worked for someone who didn't know her like I did. I could hear the pain hiding behind her words.
"Mmmm, so why have you been…Hey, that's my shirt you've got on." The familiarity of the red shirt finally struck me as she was sitting so close.

"Sorry, went with the look." She shrugged her shoulders and leaned back.

"Matched the bra?"

"Yeah."

I couldn't help it. Now that her shirt and bra had been brought up in conversation my eyes went down to her tits. She had to have been wearing one of those push up things because they were defiantly straining upwards and together. The bra only had the lace and I could see the whiteness of her skin under it. My eyes closed as the image of her burned its way into my brain and the message was being sent to my groin. I heard her laugh and opened my eyes to find her face only inches from mine. Her breath softly caressed my face and I inhaled just so that I could have a part of her in me.

"You doing okay there, Spike?" She asked me in a breathy little whisper.

Then as I tried to strangle out an answer she leaned back and took another drag of her cigarette. She was enjoying my response to her. Suddenly she switched gears and stood crushing out the remaining of her smoke.

"Are you going to wait until I get off?" She asked me looking at the wall behind me.
"Yeah, I'll wait and give you a ride home."

Buffy looked quickly at me and smiled before she walked off. I waited and watched. Watched her moving around taking care of customers. Trying to become acquainted with this woman who had taken my Buffy's place. She looked the same, smelled the same, walked the same but she sure wasn't acting the same. I wondered what the hell they had done to her while I was gone to make her run like this. The girl I knew was self-righteous and a little priggish but this woman wasn't. She knew what she had and she worked it to the max to make the tips that kept flowing her way. Not that I blamed her. You had to do what you had to do.

Finally, Arnie made the last call and the place began to empty out. The girls started clearing out and putting the chairs on the table. I stood and started to help them with the chairs. Mitzi was talking a blue streak at me. Telling me how nice I was to help and that I must really care to have hung around all night for Buffy. I just made little comments to let her know that I wasn't ignoring her but I really could care less. After the chairs were up I went and waited outside for Buffy.

She came out of the building calling out to the other girls to have a good night. As she came up to me she pulled my flask out of her coat pocket and took a swig of whatever was in it. We made our way over to my bike. She climbed behind me scooting close enough for me to feel her against my back. Placing her hands on my waist she told me she was ready. As I went to kick start the motor her leg bumped against mine. Swallowing back my reaction I started to head for the crypt. The night air was cool as I concentrated on driving. Not allowing myself to indulge in the feel of her so close. Six months away and my nerves were doing a damn happy dance at her being so close to me.

Every once in a while her hand would move away from me and I knew she taking another drink from the flask. When we had to stop for a light I reached back for it. She handed it to me bottom first so our hands wouldn't have to touch. I took a long swallow of the fiery liquid after first running my tongue across the opening. Just wanted to taste her on the metal. The whiskey settled into my stomach with a slow burn unlike the feel of her, which was a hot fire against me.

Once we reached the crypt she walked ahead of me and slipped inside while I put the bike away.

There was another crypt close by that I kept it in. I lit a cigarette on the way back to settle the uneasy feeling in my gut. Buffy was pouring a drink when I walked in. She was mixing whiskey and diet soda in a glass. I walked over to her as she stuck her finger in the glass and swirled the liquids together. As she started to move her finger toward her mouth I grabbed it and pulled it toward mine instead. Her eyes widened in surprise as I sucked the liquid from her finger. A jolt of electricity ran through my body ending at my cock. It had been in a partial state of arousal since I had found my t-shirt and now it was at full attention. But before I could do anything about it Buffy pulled away from me with a jerk.

"I'm going to go and get changed."

She picked up her drink and headed downstairs to the bedroom. This night was going to be a long one as I headed for the chair to wait for her.

Chapter 3 - Open Arms

This empty house seems so cold

Wanting you near

How much I wanted you home

But now that you've come back

Turned night into day

I need you to stay

Journey

I waited nearly an hour before I went looking for her. She wasn't downstairs in the bedroom, which left only one other place for her to be. The caretaker's house. It was an old abandoned house that was in the corner of the cemetery. At one time a couple would live on the grounds to maintain the place but vamps probably got them. Anyway the place was empty now. I used it to take showers and stuff. The water and the electric were part of the cemetery's system and were still usable. I had torn down the wall to get into the basement of the place and then had free run of the place.

Making my way slowly up the stairs listening for any sounds that would indicate where she was. The place was silent at first and then I heard water lapping. Buffy had to be in the bathroom. I walked as quietly down the hall as I could. The bathroom door was open and in the mirror I could see into the room. On the bathroom counter there were a few lit candles. Their flames dancing in the drafty air. At first I didn't see her but then she moved casting a shadow on the wall. She was laying back in the tub covered in bubbles. I froze. This woman was going to drive me right into an insane asylum soon. My tongue slowly licked my lips. Then threw my head back in frustration as the sexual need coursed threw me.

"Spike, are you going to stand there all night or come in and talk to me?"

I could hear the laughter in her voice. That was the second time in the last few hours that she had found enjoyment in my wanting her. I made my way into the bathroom and took a seat on the toilet facing her. My eyes slowly moved down the tub trying to see what the bubbles covered. She just watched me as she took a swallow of her drink. Looking back at her I started to ask the questions that were picking at my brain.

"So, what happened with Dawn?"

Buffy closed her eyes and put her glass down on the floor.

"It was about three weeks after you left. I had come over here to see if I could find where you had gone. And as I was leaving I grabbed one of your bottles."

She swallowed as my heart took a leap at her words. She had been looking for me.

"I went home and got drunk. Just sat on the couch and got myself plastered."

"You drank the whole bottle?" My eyes opened wide at the thought of her drinking so much. Right before I had left we had been drinking together. But she had been fighting the taste the whole time.

"Yeah." She looked up at me with so much pain in her eyes. "Then I passed out. I didn't walk up until the next morning. When Doris Kroger, the social worker was pounding on the door. The school had called her when Dawn didn't show up. Again."

The picture she was painting was beginning to become clear. My heart hurt for her and for Dawn. It had to have been a nightmare for both of them.

"She just told Dawn to pack a bag that she was going to go with her. Dawn refused at first but Ms. Kroger told her that she would call the police to haul her out in handcuffs."

"That soddin bitch." The thought of that woman terrorizing Dawn made me want to go and give her a little of my brand of fear. That is if I didn't have that bloody chip in my head. Buffy reached down to pick up her glass again. This time she drained it.

"I told Dawn to go with her. That I would find a way to get her out." Her voice was cracking with emotion.

"That's when you called Giles?"

Buffy nodded her head in agreement.

"Yeah, and I begged him to help Dawn. He pulled some strings to get her out and in his custody. But I had to sign over guardianship to him. And then I gave him the house too."

"He took everything away from you? I went by the house looking for you and he practically slammed the door in my face."

Her eyes opened and looked at me.

"Don't be angry at him. They didn't want to let him have custody. They're watching every move he makes. He's just trying to protect her."

"And you, pet? Do you get to see her at all?"

"Every Tuesday at 10 AM for one hour. With a social worker supervising."

Her voice had become flat. She was holding everything in and must have been for a while. It was too much for one person to handle by herself. Where were her friends?

"What about the others? Where were they?"

"You have been gone a while, haven't you?" She gave a harsh little laugh. "Xander left Anya at the altar. Tara broke up with Willow because she was using too much magic. So, they have been dealing with their own stuff. They don't have time to deal with depressed girl."

Now I knew why Buffy was here. Her support had always been her mum and friends. Her mum was gone now and her friends weren't there for her. The fools had brought her back, expected her to be all happy that they had yanked her out of heaven and then weren't there to help her deal. Bloody typical of the selfish little bastards. Buffy was supposed to take care of everything and everybody. But not a one of them could be there for her.

"Oh, and here's a good kicker for the past few months. Riley came back."

My head jerked around to look at her in surprise. She was leaning back again with her eyes closed. Her hand was softly churning the water.

"And?"

"He's married. To the perfect woman. Totally unlike me." She sounded so heart broken which just stoked the jealousy.

"You are perfect, Love." To me she was.

She snorted rather unladylike.

"That's just because you want me." Her voice dropped to a teasing level.

"Yeah, I do."

If she was going to play so was I. I dropped my hand into the side of the tub slowly swirling the water around. My fingers encountered the calf of her leg and I softly caressed it with the back of my hand. When she brought her leg up I figured the game was over but she brought it over the edge of the tub. Her eyes met mine as her foot came toward me. She touched my knee with her toes pushing it to the side. Then her foot went between my legs and came to rest on my crotch.

I inhaled sharply as chills ran through me rapidly. Her toes were slowly outlining my hard cock beneath my jeans. My mind and body kept going yes. That before this night was over Buffy would be mine. Then my heart just had to voice its opinion and ruin everything. It whispered to the rest of us, asking us why Buffy was doing this. She wasn't that experienced when I had left. As far as I knew Riley had been the only person she had been with more than once. When did she become so comfortable about sex? As the jealousy and hurt took hold, my mouth just opened and really fucked things up.

"So, are you a whore now as well as a drunk?"

The foot was jerked away from my yearning dick and dropped back in the water. Buffy stood quickly grabbing a towel and wrapping it around her.

"That is none of your business."

She started out of the bathroom with me right behind her.

I danced around her and blocked her with my arm. She pushed at me but I wouldn't budge. Winding my fingers into her hair, I tilted her head back to make her look at me.

"It is my business. You are living in my crypt, wearing my clothes, using my things and sleeping in my bed. How many men have you fucked since I have been gone?"

I coldly pronounced each syllable. My heart was begging for my suspicions to be wrong. The thought of Buffy spreading her legs for anyone else tore at me. I had loved her for so long and wanted her so long there was no way I was going to let her go without a fight. And I sure wasn't going to share.

Done enough of that before.

Something in my tone must have told her not to push me anymore. She sighed in resignation. Her bravado was gone.

"There hasn't been anyone, Spike. No one since Riley. Just the kiss between us."

She slid down the wall and under my arm. I let her go. She wasn't lying to me. Her little sex act was just that an act. Trying to prove how bad she really was. She wasn't, she was just running scared trying to push the people who cared away. I just hoped she understood that if she offered I wasn't going to refuse. I wasn't going to play grown up games with a little girl.

Deciding to give her and myself a few minutes to cool off I went back into the bathroom. I let the water out of the bathtub and bent down to pick up her dirty clothes. As I picked up her shorts her panties fell out onto the floor. Red lace just like the bra. I picked them up and let them fall over my hand. Straightening up I fondled the damp lace. Looking quickly over my shoulder to make sure she wasn't coming back I brought the material up to my face and inhaled deeply. I had never smelled anything so sweet before.

Unable to resist anymore I turned to lean against the counter. This way I could see or hear her coming. I dropped the rest of her clothes and just held the panties. My other hand dropped down to my crotch. I rubbed myself through my jeans then quickly unzipped them. My cock reached upwards straining for release. Wrapping my fist around it I started to stroke it as I inhaled the scent of her. My mind kept running pictures of her in the outfit from the bar, sitting behind me on the bike and her in the bathtub. It didn't take very long, just a few strokes, before I came. The tension had been building all night and it felt good to release some of it. Not as good as cumming inside of her but for now it would have to do.

After I got cleaned up I headed back to the crypt. Buffy was busy putting stuff into boxes when I walked into the bedroom.

"What are you doing?" I asked her.

"Getting out of your way." She didn't look at me just grabbed another stack to put in the box.

"I know what your doing, pet."

She laughed but didn't say anything.

"You can't live up to their expectations so you came here. Started acting like a bad ass. You figured that by being in the evil vampire's crypt they even might start hating you. Which means they will leave you alone and you don't have to try to be their hero anymore."

She had stopped moving as I spelled out her own thoughts to her. I made my way over to her stopping in front of her. Taking the stack out of her hands I threw them back in the dresser. She was staring somewhere in the vicinity of the middle of my chest.

"Just think how much they will run with me actually being here." Then I relieved her next thoughts. The ones where her bluffs were taken and she actually had to be the bad girl she was pretending to be. "And as long as you stop the games nothing is going to happen until you want it to."

Turning I started up the ladder to the upper level. Her voice came softly to me.

"Thank you, Spike.'

This is how we came to share my place. It was going to kill me to have her here and not touch her.

But I didn't think it would take long before she wanted. She already did. She just wasn't ready to admit it to herself. I could wait until she did. A grin settled on my face as I thought of the time when she did. It would be worth the wait. But I sure didn't know that it wouldn't take as long as I thought. And to think I could thank Xander for bringing it about.

Chapter 4 - Wicked Game

What a wicked game to play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
To let me dream of you
What a wicked thing to say
You never felt this way
What a wicked thing to do
To make me dream of you
Chris Isaac

Do you ever have those times when all seems to be perfect? When you just feel like purring like a cat because you are so content? That's the way I was feeling the next morning. I was lying in my bed with Buffy curled up next to me. Her head was on my chest and her arm and leg was thrown over me. Now don't be thinking that we had started off that way. She was defending her virtue the best she could. Had gotten herself into a tizzy when I had crawled into my own bed naked the night before. Always slept like that. Wasn't going to change and be uncomfortable because she had decided to put herself in the middle of my life. Well, anyway she had grabbed her comforter and trounced off to sleep on the couch. But it wasn't long before she came crawling back down. That couch was about uncomfortable as any piece of furniture could be. She crept into the other side of the hugging the edge. Somewhere in the night she had turned to me. And who was I to fight it.

It was still early when someone slammed through the door upstairs. Then he started yelling for her. Waking us up.

"Buffy, Buffy, you here?"

I opened my eyes to find him standing at the foot of the bed staring at us. He was pissed to find her next to me with my hand on her ass. I kind of snickered at him as Buffy pulled away and started to crawl out of the bed.

"Xander, what are you doing here?"

She was acting all nervous. Running her hands through her hair and pulling the shirt as far down as it would go.

"Looking for you."

He wasn't looking too comfortable either. Buffy grabbed his arm and started to pull him toward the ladder. Guess she wanted to talk to him without me around. But I didn't want to be left out. I grabbed my jeans and pulled them on, following them to the upstairs.

Xander was going full blast when I got there. Telling her that she couldn't stay with an evil soulless creature like me. And that she definitely couldn't do 'that' with me. As they were going back and forth I went to pour me some blood. Buffy was pretty quiet. Didn't yell back or anything. Like she was taking a lecture from a parent when she was bad.

"Xander, what I do is my business. Please, don't try to run my life. This is what I want."

"What to be a vampire's whore?"

She looked like somebody had slapped her. Tears where starting to gather in her eyes. Having one of her best friends talk to her like that was tearing her up. I was about sick of the whole thing and was about to step in.

"Why the fuck is everyone so concerned about my sex life?" She turned to look at me then back at him.

I just raised an eyebrow at her and took a sip of my breakfast.

"Buffy, look you know I care about you. Just get your stuff and you can come stay with me."

Xander was offering for Buffy to live with him. I just couldn't let this one go.

"What so she can be your whore instead? That's a good alternative." Then I laughed. I looked him over kind of scathingly. Like he would be the last choice for her.

"Stop it both of you!" She had gone to lean against the back of the couch with her hands over her face.

I turned to tell Xander to get the hell out and leave her alone when he went and buggered things up. As only he could do.

"Well, gee, Buffy did he tell you that he has spent the last six months with Drusilla? Giles checked up on him. It wasn't like he was lonely while you were here waiting for him."

Buffy's head snapped up to look at me. My stomach clenched as I saw hurt in her eyes. He would just have to put the wrong tilt on things before I could explain.

"What do you mean waiting for me?" What Xander had said hit me. She had been waiting for me? Was that one of her games to alienate herself? Or was she really waiting?

No one answered me. Buffy turned to Xander and told him to leave. That she would talk to him later. As he was leaving he gave me a little triumphant smile because he thought he had fucked up my life. He knew he would never have her and he sure as hell didn't want me to.

Buffy turned to look at me after the door had shut behind him.

"You were with Drusilla?"

She walked up to me and punched me.

"You had the nerve to question who I had been with and you've been with her!"

Then she punched me again. The anger started to build in me. She wasn't giving me a chance to explain and she seemed to think it was okay to hit me whenever she wanted. As usual.

"You jealous, love?"

So, I baited her.

"No! I am not jealous of you and your crazy slut!"

"Don't call her that. And nothing happened."

I tried to explain as I dodged another punch.

"Bullshit. You were lovers for a century and now all of a sudden she doesn't do anything for you!"

As I was backing away she was advancing.

"No, because I love you!"

At some point she would have to believe me. She stopped only for a second.

"And like I have said you're beneath me."

As I froze in her insult she punched me in the eye. And I had been pushed too far. I didn't care about the pain anymore. It couldn't hurt anymore then the pain in my heart. Pulling my fist back I punched her. It landed squarely on her jaw. She reached up to hold it when we both froze. We both knew at the same time. Hitting her hadn't hurt me. I looked quickly up into her eyes and saw the fear. The fear that there was something wrong with her. The reason she couldn't cope was because she had come back not quite human anymore.

But I guess I was cruel as I laughed at her. She was now on the same field as me. The tears started to fall as it began to sink in. Then she hit me again. Which was stupid in the aftermath of the revelation. Because I hit her back. We started to trade punches and blows as her tears fell and my pride was established again. But after only a few the hits weren't quite landing on the target and our hands started caressing and grabbing instead.

As she turned to kick me her arousal hit me. It's fragrance heavy in the air. My body had already responded to the past few minutes. My cock was hard and begging for it. Reaching out I grabbed her from behind and pinned her between me and the wall. Buffy was breathing heavy and I just leaned against her. She didn't move. I slid my hand down her belly to tug up the hem of the shirt. Her eyes closed as my hand went down to her wet heat. My fingers slid beneath the elastic of her panties and into her curls. She was so wet as I dipped between the folds to find her clit. As I rubbed it softly she moaned moving her bottom back against my erection.

Buffy wasn't saying or doing anything as I caressed her. Just responding to my touch.

"Tell me you want me."

She bit her lip and didn't answer.

I pulled my hand away. She whimpered in protest. Moving my hands to her hips I slid my hands down catching her underwear in my fingers. Once I got them down around her knees she pedaled them off and kicked them to the side. Putting one hand back on her stomach my other hand moved to undo my jeans. I pulled them down around my hips. Holding my cock I guided it to her slick opening. Not entering just teasing her with it.

"Tell me you want me."

She was going to say it before she got it.

"Please, Spike."

It would do. I couldn't wait anymore. Didn't want to giver her the chance to change her mind.

I pushed forward into her tight warmth. I shuddered as I got lost in the sensation. It was like dipping myself into molten lava. Hesitating as I regrouped myself she moved back pushing me further into her.

"Slow, baby, don't want to rush."

Her fingers dug into the wall as my fingers went back to caress her core.

"Now."

As she demanded to be taken I surged forward filling her completely. She whimpered as I stretched her walls to accommodate me. She shifted leaning back against me. My free hand went out to balance us on the wall. I started to rock back and forth in her as she started to make whispering sounds of pleasure. As my thrusts began to build she went forward again leaning her forehead against the wall. Her eyes had stayed shut the whole time and I wondered if she was even with me in her mind when she started to convulse around me.

"Oh, God, Spike!"

She screamed my name as her orgasm overtook her. And as I realized that it was me she was fucking I exploded inside of her as her body spasmed around me. Wrapping my arms around her I buried my face into her shoulder.

"I love you, Buffy"

As the words reached her she froze. She carefully extricated herself from my arms. Pulling the shirt back down she bent over and grabbed her panties. Then without a backward look she went back downstairs leaving me standing there like a chump.

I pulled my jeans back up and fastened them as I followed her. But when I reached the bedroom she wasn't there. She must have gone to clean up. I was so confused. We had both wanted what had happened. There was plenty of time for her to pull away or say no. I knew she didn't love me. Maybe my words were wrong but it was what I was feeling. The two of us being together was fate. She had been leaving plenty of clues. Living here, letting her friends think she was waiting for me, looking for me when I was gone and being jealous of Dru. Buffy just had to have feelings for me even if she wouldn't say them.

She came back into the room and without looking at me she crawled under the covers.

"Buffy, we need to talk."

I sat on the bed facing her.

"About what?"

She didn't move an inch. I gave a small laugh to cover my desperation.

"About what just happened. We made love."

My words were hesitant. But that's what it was to me.

"No, Spike, we had sex. We both enjoyed it and that is it."

She didn't move or look at me at all as she broke my heart again. I buried my face in my knees as the tears started to fall. The tension between us was very much in the air. I sniffled and wiped my nose on my jeans. I felt her move but didn't look up then her hand was in my hair. Her lips softly kissed the top of my head.

She softly whispered in my ear.

"Spike, there's never going to be an us. All we have is right now. Just enjoy it."

She laid back down pulling on my arm to bring me down beside her. I might not be much of a man for this but I cuddled into her like a newborn pup to its mother's teat. My face buried in her hair smelling the flowers from the shampoo she used. This was the closest I had ever come to heaven before. Imagine an evil creature like me enjoying the fruits of divine. She was the light that could guide me home again. And thus on these lofty thoughts I fell asleep wrapped around her.

Chapter 5 - To Make You Feel My Love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
There's no doubt in my mind where you belong
I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love
Garth Brooks

When I woke later that day I was still wrapped around her soft and warm body. Her bottom nestled against me. My arm wrapped around her middle. Shifting I moved back so I could watch her sleep. A soft sigh fell from her lips as she rolled onto her back following me across the bed. I moved a strand of her hair from her face. And gently traced her face with my fingertips.

For some reason I found the movements of her body fascinating. The gentle rise and fall of her breasts as she inhaled and exhaled. The way her eyelashes fluttered against her cheeks as she dreamed. Her gentle snore as she shifted again toward me. I laid my hand on her chest to feel the beating of her heart. Its rhythm slow and steady not like when we had made love last night. Then it had been a runaway train out of control. Moving slightly I caressed the outline of her breast with my fingers. Then rolled her nipple between my thumb and forefinger.

Her tongue darted out to lick her lips and a soft sigh broke the silence of the room. My hand moved down her stomach pushing the sheet aside to allow me room to roam. Glancing back up at her to make sure she was still sleeping I gently began to tickle her. My fingers barely touching her made paths across her skin. Goosebumps appeared in the wake of my exploration. Leaning forward I licked the side of her breast up across to her nipple. I took it into my mouth sucking it into hard responsiveness. I

She moved beneath me. Suddenly she was awake and pushing me from her. As I moved back to give her room I was suddenly slapped hard.

"You son of a bitch! What the hell do you think you're doing?" Buffy sat up pulling the covers over her body.

"Making love to you. Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. I forgot. I was trying to fuck you." She winced at my words but I didn't care. My hand went to cover the cheek that was still burning. My pride was hurt more than anything.

Buffy shook the sleep from her and looked around the room then back at me. Her breathing began to return to normal as she became more aware. She reached for me and I pulled back away from her. What kind of fucking games was she playing?

"Spike, I'm sorry. I was asleep and everything has happened so fast. I woke up to you…touching me." She scooted closer to me. "Come on you have to admit it's kinda strange for us to be like this. In the same bed. Being lovers."

She reached out a hand to pull me close to her. To kiss me.

"Forgive me." Just a soft whisper against my mouth.

My anger was forgotten as her lips soft and urgent kissed me over and over. Her tongue darted into my mouth begging for me to play. She plastered her body to mine. Her hands kneaded my back pulling me back down to the bed with her. She gave a soft sigh of satisfaction when I started to kiss her back. My hands began to roam the body that I had taken yesterday but didn't really learn. She was so soft to the touch but I could feel her muscles rippling beneath the surface. There was a strength there that I admired.

I broke contact with her mouth and started a trail to her breasts. Her nipples puckered beneath my mouth and fingers. One hand moved between her legs stroking her spot making her wet for me. She bucked against my invading fingers. Crying out to me for more. My mouth moved down her belly kissing and licking. Finally I was between her legs.

Her scent bathed me telling me of her need. She moaned and moved restlessly beneath me. I reached out my tongue and lapped at her. Then separated her folds to find her need. Sucking at it, then licking it, then nipping it. Buffy began to make keening sounds that became louder with each stroke of my tongue. I shifted and went as deep into her as I could. Licking her inner walls then back to her clit. I kept building her tension until she was crying with pleasure. Then I stopped for a few seconds.

"Spike, Oh God, don't stop, please."

Her hips moved off the bed seeking me out. Her hands entwined in my hair pulling me to her. I began to thrust my fingers in and out of her and returned to administering to her pleasure with my tongue. I smiled as she kept begging me to give her release. A few last strokes and she was cumming around me.

I moved away from her sex and up and over her body. Her eyes were closed and her breath heavy as I looked down into her glistening face. My hand moved between our bodies guiding me to her.

"Buffy, open your eyes."

She looked up at me as I surged forward and entered her. She gave a small gasp as I filled her still shuddering walls. Her hands moved to my waist holding me as I started to thrust into her. Angling myself so that I could tease her with each move. I never broke contact with her eyes. I wanted her to know who was giving her this pleasure. Who was the one here loving her. We moved together toward fulfillment. My thrusting became quicker as her breathing became more of a pant. As she came undone I let myself go. Collapsing against her as we found bliss together. Then I rolled over bringing her with me. She lay on top of me as I gently stroked her back.

As we lay there quietly the things that happened yesterday started to return to my mind. I wanted to talk about my being able to hurt her without pain. Whether the fault lay with the chip or with her. I wanted to explain to her about Dru and why I had been gone. But I couldn't find the words to start. At the time it didn't seem to matter as much as holding her.

Eventually, she moved and scooted off the bed. She pulled on her robe as she moved toward the ladder that led upstairs. Stopping briefly she turned to me.

"I'm going to get something to eat. Do you want to come upstairs with me?"

After she had fixed herself a sandwich and I had gotten myself a glass of blood we moved to sit on opposite ends of the couch. She ate her sandwich slowly never looking at me. But every once in a while her eyes would dart my way. Maybe she had been right and we had moved too fast. I had only been back two days. And already we were lovers. Living together.

She didn't have to return to work until the next day. We spent the rest of that day and the next at the crypt. Slowly we became used to each other. Marking out our space. Sometimes I felt like it was a dream. That I was going to wake up on that damn cargo ship to Europe. But I didn't. I was there and so was Buffy. And so was the heat between us. It seemed the more we gave into it the hotter it became.

During the next day I learned every curve of her body. Every spot that would make her sigh. Every spot that would make her scream. Sometimes our coming together was rough and sometimes it was gentle. And there was hardly a surface in my crypt that wasn't baptized by us. And I never have figured out who exactly was trying to keep up with whom. She was as eager as me. Like once it was unleashed there was no controlling her. And I ate it up. The power of having the Slayer as my lover was heady. The sound of Buffy screaming my name in ecstasy was humbling. I had told her once I was her willing slave and it wasn't any truer than now.

The next day when she had to return to work I gave her a ride in and then returned to pick her up. As far as I was concerned she was mine now. And therefore was my responsibility to take care of. While she worked I went to play poker with the guys. To visit with Clem and catch up on my side of the tracks. Clem had figured I would throw Buffy out when I got back. He was surprised to find I had told her she could stay. It was a strange combination for a vampire and a slayer to be living together.

It didn't sit too well with a lot of the demons I knew. But they could be damned as far as I was concerned. But their words of being a traitor echoed in my ear. I had first been called that when I started killing my own kind and now in living with the enemy. They just didn't understand. And I really didn't fit in with them anymore. It was like I was drifting in this limbo somewhere between humanity and the demon world. Not really belonging in either. At the time I really didn't pay it any mind. Maybe I should have. Might have saved some grief. But I was quickly learning not to question just to let things be. I was afraid if I rocked the boat it would all fall apart and she would be gone.

Chapter 6 -I Feel Like a Woman

I'm going out tonight-I'm feelin' alright
Gonna let it all hang out
Wanna make some noise-really raise my voice
Yeah, I wanna scream and shout

No inhibitions-make no conditions
Get a little outta line
I ain't gonna act politically correct
I only wanna have a good time
Shania Twain

It was her next day off when things began to change. Reality started to intrude on our little fantasy time. I was trying to sleep but Buffy kept moving around the room. Sighing loudly to indicate I wasn't happy, I flipped over onto my belly and covered my head with a pillow. She moved onto the bed and pulled the covers off of me. And before I could tell her to sod off the little bitch bit my ass.

"What the bloody hell does a man have to do to get some sleep?" I turned over and glared at her.

She just smiled and started to lace up her sneakers.

"Where you going?" She hadn't left the crypt except for work since I had gotten here.

"Shopping." She said as she stood up and lingered over me.

"For what?"

"Stuff."

I slumped back on the bed with my hands laced behind my head. She was playing some kind of game and I wasn't sure whether to be mad or not.

"And what kind of stuff are you shopping for?" I asked as I grabbed her hand.

Buffy leaned down to kiss me quickly before she pulled away. As she did I reached and grabbed her around the waist. I flipped us around until she was lying beneath me. She laughed up at me as she started to playfully push me away.

"Nosy are we? Just stuff. A surprise for later." She said it trying to keep a straight face but her smile just wouldn't leave.

I leaned over and started to nibble at her neck making her break out in giggles. Then as I started moving my hand down her stomach she grabbed it.

"Spike, stop. Later okay."

She reached a hand up to cup my head so she could kiss me again. A little slower this time but it wasn't long enough for me. Then finally pulling away she managed to roll away from me and off the bed. With a wave of her hand she was gone. Groaning I fell face first into the pillow and laid there willing sleep to come back. It must have because I woke later when Buffy jumped onto the bed. Her hands reached out to shake me by my shoulders.

"Wake up, sleepyhead. It's time to play." Her voice had this sing song thing going on.

I opened my eyes slowly. Her cheeriness and evasiveness were getting to be annoying. And I wasn't really in the mood to play. She pushed me till I was lying on my back then moved so she could straddle my middle.

"Time to play what?" My hands moved up her thighs then around to cup her ass.

"Not that, Spike. I want to go out." Buffy grabbed my hands to pull them off her butt bringing them around to rest on my stomach. Her fingers entwined with mine.

"And just where are you going?" I cocked an eyebrow at her.

"Not me. Us. I want to go out dancing. Maybe play some pool."

Apparently, she wanted to go to The Bronze. I wondered if she had even been out since she had moved in here. But whom would she have gone with? She was trying to avoid her friends. And she seemed to be keeping her distance from her co-workers. Which was probably a good idea.

"Like on a date?" I decided to tease her a little. And there was a secret hope that was what she wanted.

She wrinkled her nose at my question.

"Yeah, I guess we could call it that if it will get you out of that bed and out of this place for awhile."

She slid off of me and headed toward the caretaker's house.

"I'm going to take a shower. Wanna come?"

She threw her hair around as she turned to look back at me. But I was already on my way.

Once we got to the bathroom I was helping her to peel off her clothes when I saw it. She giggled at my expression. I reached a finger out and softly traced the skin around it. The girl had gone and had her belly button pierced.

"This the surprise?" I inquired of her.

"Only part. The rest after we shower."

Sometimes it's hard to be a slave to a woman. I ended up coming out of the shower smelling like pears. She had all this fruity stuff that she insisted on bathing me with. But I lived with it because she had promised that I could lotion her down with stuff that smelled just like it. I guess it was a fair trade off.

But I should have known she wasn't done with me. Once we got back upstairs she sat me down on the bed and dried off my hair with a towel. Then she reached for my hair gel and a blow dryer. I ended up with my hair all sticking up. She even trimmed some of it off from where it was getting too long. After she decided my hair passed muster she reached for some shopping bags and handed them to me. I looked at them like they were going to bite me.

"What's that?"

"New clothes, silly. Now put them on."

I pulled them out and looked at them. They actually weren't bad looking. She had bought me black leather pants with a studded belt. To wear with it was a cobalt blue silk shirt with a mandarin collar. As I was lacing up my boots I caught her reflection in the mirror.

My mouth dropped open at the sight of her. She was wearing a pair of black leather low rise pants with a black lacy stretch crop top. There was a ruffle down the front and bell sleeves that fell over her hands. She had curled her hair and had it pulled away from her face.

I almost asked her if we could just stay home but the girl had her heart set on going out. It was good to see her genuinely smiling again. Every since she had been brought back she seemed to exist in a cloud of depression. I vowed then to show her a really good time. To see to it that she relaxed and had fun that night.

The Bronze wasn't that busy seeing it was a Sunday night. But there was a pretty good crowd enough to keep us from feeling on display. Buffy tried to haul me out to the dance floor but I refused at first. Her lip stuck out in a pout and she batted her eyes at me. What kind of guy would I be if I refused a lady? So, I took her hand and walked out there prepared to make an ass out of myself. Buffy started moving around me in abandon. I just stood there as she gyrated and shook her hair around. She turned to laugh at me then grabbed my hands pulling me close to her. Throwing one arm around my neck she started to move her groin against mine. This I could get into. I put my arm around her waist and started to lead. Buffy leaned her head against my shoulder as we moved together. All of a sudden it didn't matter to either of us that we were the only ones slow dancing. It just felt good to be holding each other and swaying to the music.

A few songs later we decided to take a break. In unison we moved toward the bar. Both us needed something to drink. At the bar she ordered herself one of those fruity drinks and I ordered a beer. But I couldn't help teasing her about her choice.

"Got yourself a manly drink there, pet." I smiled down at her as she grimaced.

"And you do? A big tall frothy glass of piss." I choked at her comment. She pounded me on the back while she laughed at my predicament. I knew that she liked beer and her teasing was just an attempt to get back at me.

Once I had cleared my throat I grabbed her hand and headed back to the bar. Soon there was lime, salt and two shots of tequila in front of us.

"Okay, Big Bad, how do I do this?" She inhaled and steeled herself for this. "Can't we just stick with whiskey? I already like that."

"No, you need to try something new. This will put some hair on your chest."

"You want hair on my chest?" She made that cute little face she does when she is trying to act surprised.

"Not really. Quit avoiding. Now, pay attention. Lick, Slam, Suck."

"Excuse me. You want me to what?"

The bartender started snickering and rolled his eyes at us.

"Get your mind out of the gutter. Now pay attention. Lick." I demonstrated by putting salt on my hand and licking it off. "Slam." The shot of tequila hit the back of my throat. "And suck." I picked up the lime and sucked its juice.

"Oh."

Buffy gave this big dramatic sigh and rolled her shoulders back. Like she was trying to talk herself into trying this. Then she put the salt on her hand and picked up the shot glass with her other.

"Lick, Slam and Suck, huh?"

"Yeah, Love, show me you've got the balls of a man."

That did it. The tequila was gone and the lime was between her teeth. As she finished the bartender started applauding her. Buffy started to blush then to cover it told him to bring another round. The next time wasn't as awkward but the third round she was doing it like a pro. And that's when I cut her off.

"No, Spike, I like. Let's have one more." She started giggling as she slammed her hand down on the bar. The whole bar shook with the force and several people started looking at us.

"Okay, that's enough for now." I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her away.

At this point she wasn't too steady on her feet and if it wasn't for my arm I think she would have been stumbling.

"Dance, Spike, Let's dance." Buffy attempted to pull away from me and head for the floor when she put her hand to her head.

"Come on let's sit for a while." I led her to one of the couches and sat down with her sprawled across my lap. She twisted so her head was under chin. Her hand reached for mine entwining her fingers with mine. We just sat there for a few minutes. Neither of us said anything.

"Spike, look." She was pointing toward the dance floor. "That girl in the purple she looks like a penguin dancing."

I followed the direction of her finger and watched the girl.

"Yeah, I see what you mean. But look at the guy she's with. Not much better."

We both started laughing. After that everybody in the place was fair game for our insults and laughter. Okay, yeah, it wasn't the nicest thing but Buffy and I were doing it together. I was feeling like a god that night with her. And everybody else was below my queen and I. So, they got laughed at.

After we ran out of victims she got real quiet. Buffy brought her head up so that she could look at me.

"I'm having fun. Actual fun with Spike. Who would have thought?"

Reaching over she gave me a long, wet passionate kiss.

"Yeah, baby who would have thought." I agreed with her when we broke for air. When we first met all we thought we wanted to do was kill each other. But time changed that and now all we seemed to want to do was be with each other and shag. Life could play funny tricks on people. It seemed that it did it just to keep them on their toes.

We ended up closing the place down. Buffy was having so much fun. It was like the old days. Back before life got her down. When they finally kicked us out we walked out of there wrapped in each other's arms. She still wasn't too steady on her feet. But it was the tiredness that comes after a good time and a few good drinks.

"I should have brought the bike." I told her as we started down the alley. We had decided to walk there tonight after we had done a quick patrol. But now I wish we had gone back to get it so she wouldn't have to walk.

"That's okay. I have a ride."

As I was wondering what she meant she slipped out of my arms. Walked around behind me she jumped up on my back. My hands went instinctively out to grab her under her knees. Her legs went around my waist and her arms around my neck.

"Ride Spike." She leaned forward and started to nuzzle the back of my neck.

"Yeah, Love, when we get home you can ride Spike all you want."

She giggled and nipped at my neck.

"Ride Spike now. Giddy up." She moved her hips up and down against me. And I groaned in response. At this rate we weren't going to make it home. And I wondered how she felt about sex in public places. I was walking down the alley keeping an eye out for places that were dark enough when he appeared.

Right there out of the shadows as only he could. I felt her stiffen behind me as she saw him. Her voice was soft and hesitant as she said his name.

"Angel."

Chapter 7 -Bat Out Of Hell

Nothing ever grows in this rotting old hole.
And everything is stunted and lost.
And nothing really rocks
And nothing really rolls
And nothing's ever worth the cost.
Well, I know that I'm damned if I never get out,
And maybe I'm damned if I do,
But with every other beat I've got left in my heart,
You know I wanna be damned with you.
If I gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned,
dancing through the night with you.
Meatloaf (Jim Steinman)

Buffy unhooked her legs from around my waist and slid to the ground. As her feet touched bottom I could almost hear everything we had built together in the last few days shatter. The depression wrapped around her again like a fog. She moved so that she was standing beside me and reached out to hold my hand. I gave it a squeeze to let her know that I was right there with her.

"Buffy, can we talk? Alone." Angel looked briefly at me and then looked away quickly. Like he dismissed me completely. As if I wasn't even worth his time. All I wanted was to get Buffy away from him.

"What about?" She just kept looking at him with a funny expression on her face. It took me a moment to realize that it was guilt. I snorted at the thought that she had anything to be guilty about. They both turned at the sound to look at me.

"Come on, Buffy, let's go. You don't need to talk to him." I attempted to walk off with Buffy in tow. Angel reached out and took a hold of her free arm.

"I just want to talk. I was told that you were in trouble and needed help." He had this all-concerned-ex-boyfriend-but-still-care-about-you look on his face.

"Angel, it's 2:30 in the morning. You couldn't find a better time to talk to me." Buffy wasn't too impressed with the fact that he thought he could save her. She pulled her arm free from his grasp and took a step away from him.

"Well, you weren't home earlier. Found you here and waited." He shrugged his shoulders in this innocent way. He kept looking over at me as if he was waiting for something. I wish I knew what exactly he was up to. It couldn't be good whatever it was.

"And you couldn't walk in and say Hi like a normal person?" I snickered as Buffy kept throwing it back in his face.

"You seemed busy." Angel folded his hands in front of him.

"Yeah, she was busy. Having fun with someone who can satisfy her."

Angel turned to me and I could tell he was fighting to keep his game face in control. I guess my words had found their mark. Then I heard someone laughing and turned to find Buffy holding her middle as she giggled.

"Liked that one didn't you pet?" Then I turned back to Angel. "Guess the lady agrees with me. Now, Peaches, why don't you take yourself back to LA like a good boy. And leave Buffy to a real man."

I turned to start walking away confident that she would follow.

"Spike, watch out." Buffy yelled out a warning to me.

I turned quickly toward the alley and saw Xander coming at me with a stake. He was running like the hounds of hell were chasing him. I bent down as he got close and flipped him over my shoulder. He landed on the ground and rolled a few feet away. The pain ripped through my head and I fell to my knees. Buffy ran to me and helped me back to my feet. She then positioned herself between them and me. We both knew that I didn't have a lot of chance against Xander. Not with the chip in my head.

"What are you trying to do?" Her voice was so cold and calm but her whole body was trembling in anger. I took a step forward and put a hand on her waist. She took a deep breath and leaned back against me.

"Taking care of your problem." Xander gestured toward me. "You'd be better off without him around."

"He's not my problem. You are." Then she turned to Angel. "You came all the way here to kill Spike? When did my life become your concern?"

Xander kept trying to edge around her and we kept maneuvering out of his way. Angel reached his hand out to Xander to keep him still.

"Buffy, I came here to talk to you. Xander explained to me what's been going on. I think you need some help."

I really wanted to punch him. No, actually I wanted to stake him. For a hundred years I had been putting up with his arrogant bullshit. It was time for it to stop and I wanted to be the one to do it.

"Xander, you called Angel for help?" She asked him clearly in disbelief.

"Buffy, you're not seeing things clearly right now. Spike has somehow got your head turned around." Xander had put down his hand with the stake and I could feel Buffy relaxing a little.

I tried to start backing up but she wasn't moving.

"Neither one of you have any right to tell me what to do!" She told the two of them with tears in her voice.

"Buffy, let's get out of here." I tried pulling on her hand but that didn't work either. She was staying for whatever reason. Her sobbing was becoming louder.

Angel reached out a hand to her. I hoped she would reject him but she let him run the back of his hand down her cheek.

"Let's go somewhere and we can talk. Okay? You know I just want to help."

Buffy sniffled at Angel's words but took a step back further into my arms. Relief poured through me as she did. She wasn't going to fall for his tricks. Suddenly he grabbed her and pulled her away from me. We were both startled for a moment as he separated us. Xander came toward me again with the stake raised. But before he could get a step closer someone grabbed him and pulled him away from me. All I could hear was Buffy screaming the word no. I looked around at her and found her struggling against Angel. I started to go to her but he suddenly just released her.

She flew at me wrapping her arms around me. I looked up to see who was helping us and saw Giles standing next to Angel. When Buffy realized who was there she turned again standing in front of me.

"Are you here to kill Spike too?" Her eyes glared hatred at the three men who had always been so important to her.

The three of them started to talk at once but Giles took precedence.

"No, Buffy, I didn't come here to kill Spike. Cordelia called me about the their plan and it took me a while to track you down. Are you okay?" Giles took a step toward us then as we tensed he stopped.

"Cordelia called you?" Angel asked Giles.

"Yes, she did. What the hell were you two thinking?"

Xander and Angel looked like two little boys who were caught by Daddy doing something bad. Giles reached out and took the stake away from Xander.

"Giles, why are you protecting him? He's an evil soulless thing and Buffy, not to mention, the world would be better off without him in it." Xander tried to defend his position.

"Yeah, like your some kind of damn prize. At least I'm here for my woman." At the reference to him leaving Anya he had the good sense to look ashamed.

"She's not your woman. You're not good enough for her. It's only because of the chip that you're not out killing people." He turned his gaze from me to her. "Buffy, did you forget that? Do you really think if he was free from his leash that he wouldn't be trying to hurt you?"

Buffy put her hands over her ears to shut out the sound of his voice. She was crying so much she was having trouble breathing.

"Stop it. Stop it. I don't care. Do you hear me? I don't care. He's the only thing that makes life bearable." Somehow she managed to get the words out around her sobs and hiccups.

Suddenly a small sedan pulled up next to us. Tara and Willow came running from the car. Having to face all of her friends at one time was too much for Buffy.

"No, why can't you all leave me alone. All of you. I hate you." Buffy started to scream at them. She was on the brink of total hysteria.

Willow and Tara stopped next to Giles. It seemed we were surrounded and if they banded together I would never make it out of this alley alive.

"Buffy, I'm not here to fight you. Cordy called us too. We just came to help you." Willow tried to calm Buffy down.

As much as I hated to admit it I realized that they were all genuinely worried about her. Didn't have a clue how to help her though. Their actions had destroyed whatever headway had been made earlier. And had sent her running out of control for the edge.

"Help me. Haven't you helped me enough? It was over. I didn't hurt anymore. Now all I feel is pain. And they…" She threw her hand out to encompass Xander and Angel. "They want to take away the one thing that makes me feel good."

Her last few words were almost lost in the sound of her crying. Her knees buckled out from under her and she fell to the ground. I knelt beside her everything else became unimportant in my fear for her. She didn't even try to get back up. Her face lay on the dirty ground with her tears creating a pool around her. My own tears had started to fall in frustration and rage. Reaching below her I picked her up and cradled her against me.

Xander and Angel started forward as if to take her away from me. Giles' arm came up to stop them.

"Spike, let us give you two a ride home."

I looked over at Tara as she made the offer. Her eyes showed nothing but concern for Buffy. I nodded my assent and started for the car. Willow crawled into the backseat and with her help I got Buffy into the car. As soon as she was in she collapsed sobbing against her friend. Shutting the door I took the keys from Tara's hand and opened the front passenger door for her. After she was in I started around the back of the car when Giles placed his hand on my arm. I looked over at him.

"Spike, I don't know why she is clinging to you. I don't like it either but it seems for now we have to live with it. But do anything to hurt her and you will pay." Giles informed me in his best father voice.

I opened my mouth to give one of my usual smartass answers but I all I could see in his eyes was his love for Buffy and just nodded my head instead.

The only sound on the way back to the crypt was Buffy crying. My heart was breaking from the sound of it. It was almost like she was broken or something. I saw Willow's eyes in the rearview mirror and could see my emotions reflected in her eyes. Confusion, helplessness and a big helping of what-the-hell-do-I do-now.

Buffy had calmed down a little by the time we got back and walked with the girls to the crypt while I parked the car. When I got inside the three of them were downstairs. After pouring myself a healthy glass of whiskey I sat on the chair and waited. And listened.

At first the conversation was just nonsense. They were helping Buffy get changed into pajamas. She didn't try to tell them she only slept in my t-shirts now. Then they talked about her belly button piercing. And then it was how Cordelia had called Tara to find Willow and they had been looking for us before anything bad happened. Which started Buffy crying again.

"Why did they do it? Why can't they leave us alone?" Buffy asked them.

"Buffy, Xander loves you. He just has this thing with Spike that he just can't accept him." Willow told her. After a brief pause came the questions. "Are you happy here with him? Do you love him?"

"He makes everything better. When I'm with him nothing else matters." But there were no words of love or happiness. I took a long swallow of my drink and waited. Even though my hurt was getting worse by the moment.

Buffy was sobbing again and her words came out in jumbles. She just started saying over and over that she had loved Angel and he had hurt her. Was still hurting her. My glass shattered in my hand as I squeezed it in my anger. Angel. It was always Angel. Angel that Drusilla preferred. Angel that always made me feel like I wasn't good enough. Angel that had been Buffy's first love. Angel that had taken her virginity. I was always coming in second to him. I couldn't take it anymore and left to take a walk. I walked in circles around the cemetery trying to calm down. Kept telling myself that Buffy was there with me now. That I could love her more than Angel could ever dream of. And that one day she would love me in return. That love was already there every time we touched. Every time I was inside of her.

The crypt was quiet when I returned. No sounds of crying or talking. Moving downstairs I found them asleep. All three of them curled up on my bed with Buffy nestled between them. Reaching for the comforter I covered them up with it and left to go back upstairs. I made myself a bed on the sarcophagus even though I knew I wouldn't sleep that night. Lying there I smoked one cigarette after another. The last few days running through my mind over and over. A soft movement made me look over. It was Buffy coming to me. Without a word she crawled up to lay on me and began to rain kisses on my face and neck. I quickly ground out the cigarette and let it fall to the ground. Putting my arms around her I pulled her closer to me. She reached up to cup my face.

"Spike, I need you so much. Without you I can't feel anything. Maybe that's not enough but it's all I can offer right now." Her eyes were large in her face. There were no games there and no lies. She bent her head and resumed kissing me. Moving slowly down to my chest and stomach. Her words weren't what I wanted to hear. But it was a beginning and I grabbed onto it. And as her small mouth took me in it was enough.

Chapter 8 - Nights In White Satin

Nights in white satin,
Never reaching the end,
Letters I've written,
Never meaning to send.

Beauty I'd always missed
With these eyes before,
Just what the truth is
I can't say anymore.
Moody Blues

One of them must have slipped coming up the ladder. There was a muffled ouch followed by a shush and then giggles. I propped myself up on my hand and waited until they were almost to the door.

"Do you two always crawl out of a gent's bed and sneak away at dawn?"

The look on their faces was priceless. A blush started to stain Tara's cheek and Willow's mouth opened and closed a few times. Then both their eyes widened as they saw that the sheet was barely covering me. I knew it wasn't because I turned them on it was just because they had never seen me in such a state of undress. Especially with Buffy lying next to me. Not being able to help myself I chuckled at their discomfiture.

"Spike, we didn't know you were awake." Willow told me as she looked over my head.

"We're sorry. We... we didn't want to disturb you." Tara offered in a way of covering up their nonexistent rudeness.

"Sorry, just wanted to tease you a bit." They both looked really uncomfortable and I wanted to give them an out.

"Besides I think it would be my bed they would be crawling out of instead of yours." Buffy sat up behind me clutching the sheet to her. She moved her tousled hair out of her face and smiled at her friends. Willow and Tara stayed put but kept glancing toward the door and each other.

"Wait just a minute." Buffy told her friends then dove under the covers coming out dressed in her pajamas again. She slid out the other side leaving me the dignity of staying covered.

"I'm going to walk them out, okay?" Bending down she kissed me on the cheek. Then turned to leave with the girls.

When they were gone I grabbed the blankets and headed to the lower level. As the blankets were tossed into the pile of dirty laundry my clothes from last night fell onto the floor. The clothes she had bought me so I could take her to have fun. I walked over and picked them up. Running my hands over the cool silk and leather. They had meant so much to me at the time. A promise of a first date with Buffy. And the hope and expectations had been so efficiently destroyed by Angel and Xander. Reaching up I wiped tears from my cheeks. For the first time in forever things had been going the way I wanted and now it was gone. I turned and threw them in the trash basket in the corner. Those clothes would only bring bad memories from now on.

"You don't want them anymore?" Her inquiry came softly.

"Not that love. Bad vibes now."

"Oh." She stepped further into the room and started to help me strip the sheets from the bed. In silence we put clean sheets on. As we threw the comforter over the top I turned to sit. Burying my head in my hands.

"Didn't last night after…didn't it make the bad stuff go away?" She sounded so much like a child that I turned to look at her. The look in her eyes showed someone lost and frightened. She kneeled on the bed and crawled toward me coming to sit with a leg on either side of me. Her arms wrapped around my waist.

"Do you want me to make it go away some more?"

There were gentle kisses on my back. Her hands moved across my stomach and down to my crotch. Her hands wrapped around me. Yes, this always made the bad stuff go away, was what I wanted to tell her. But I stayed silent as she administered to me. Just like I had done last night. It just that it wasn't working this time. I reached down and removed her hands. Standing up I looked down at her.

"Buffy can you just forget everything that happened last night? We just can't keep pushing everything aside by having sex. We need to talk." I couldn't believe I had just said that. But there was still the poet in me. William who still wanted to be loved. Spike that wanted to be accepted as man and demon. I wanted more than just to fuck I wanted to make love to her. I wanted all of her.

"I don't want to talk. If that's what I wanted I'd go to the counselor they tried to push me to see." She crossed her arms over her chest and stared back at me.

"But Buffy a lot things have happened since I've been back. Maybe we should just…" As I was searching for the right words she cut me off.

"You were off with psycho. You came back. I'm living here. You can hurt me but not anyone else. Therefore that is one more thing that says I'm fucked up. We had sex. We had fun. Xander and Angel tried to kill you. Does that cover everything?" She came to stand in front of me in the middle of this speech.

"Buffy."

"Quit Buffying me. I told you last night I need you to feel. Doesn't mean I want to get all-emotional with you. You are still a soulless vampire. Therefore there is no future. No matter how much fun we had last night. Or how good the sex is." With each word her voice was getting colder. And my heart was breaking a little more. How could she stand there and just tear everything apart? Especially after her words last night. I still had my pride though. Not much but some. I turned and moved off to take a shower. Just left her standing there. There was no way I was going to break down in front of her.

"Don't try to love me. You'll only get hurt." She was trying to sound mean and hateful. And she was doing a damn good job of it.

"Too late for that." And I just kept on walking without explaining what it was too late for. The love or the hurt. Or both.

We didn't talk for a good part of the day. Which was fine with me. Buffy had changed. More than I was willing to admit at first. There was a hard edge of desperation around her. She had to be feeling angry about last night. The betrayal from them had to have hurt her. She just seemed to push it behind a door inside of her mind somewhere. Somewhere where she didn't have to deal with it. And it wasn't appreciated that I was trying to open that door. So, I left her alone. Stayed upstairs and did my stuff while she stayed downstairs.

Sometime late in the afternoon I heard a cell phone ring. Curious I made my way toward the sound. Buffy was talking to someone. Arnie apparently. She told him that she would be into work at eight that night. Then I heard her make her way to the house. Presumably to take a shower. I stayed where I was. After a while she made her way upstairs. Without looking at her I asked her about the phone.

"I got one so Giles could get a hold of me if there was something wrong with Dawn. Only a couple of people have the number." She explained to me. "Are you going to give me a ride or do I walk?"

I finally looked over at her. White hot anger tore through me.

"Like hell you're going anywhere like that. You look like a fucking hooker." Before when she had gone to work she had looked good. Sexy. But never like trash. Tonight she did. Her black shorts barely covered anything. They rode high on her hips with the bottom of her cheeks hanging out. The front dipped almost all the down to her curls. Her legs were covered in black thigh high stockings and her tits were barely covered in a baby blue bikini top.

"It's Monday. You have to work harder for the tips than on the weekends." She dismissed my comments like I was stupid or something.

"Why don't you just find a corner and make money that way? With your looks you'd make a fortune. Before you get all used up and everything sags." My words were cruel but the jealousy was twisting through me. That body was mine and I sure as hell didn't want anyone else looking at that much of it.

"Are they sagging? You said one time that maybe they weren't as high. What do you think now that you've touched them?" She moved her hands up her belly to cup her breasts. She walked over to me and placed a leg on one side of me coming down to rest on her knee. Moved her hands so they were on either side of my head. "Well?"

I looked up at her and moved my hand to flip up one side of her top. I cupped her breast in my hand caressing the nipple with my thumb. But she wasn't done yet.

"Would you like me to find a corner? Would you like to watch me be with someone else? Or maybe I could bring Mitzi home with me tonight. She can't stop talking about how sexy you are." She leaned down and kissed my forehead. I pulled her top back down over her breast. Moving my hand upwards until I was holding her by the back of the neck. I pulled her down to me for a kiss. When we broke apart a few moments later I told her that I wouldn't share. Or be shared. That as long as she was with me it was going to be just us. And to never bring it up again.

I knew that she wasn't serious. She was playing the bad ass again. Her emotions were all jumbled up and she was hiding from them. But I didn't like these games she played. Because if you play a game long enough they became reality. And she had no clue what could happen. She had heard second hand about some things. But never from personal experience. Not even the morning after Parker gave her a inkling about how dirty you can feel. How emotionally hurtful sex could be. And I never wanted her to know.

She was standing in front of me waiting. I sighed and stood up. Didn't have much of a choice but to take her to work dressed like a harlot. At least she was the Slayer and could protect herself. Didn't really make me feel better. After I had dropped her off I really just wanted to take a ride. To clear my head. To try to rid my mind of Buffy even if for just a little while. But something was telling me to head back to the crypt. Glad that I did. Dawn was waiting for me. She had snuck away from Giles.
"Spike, I had to see if you and Buffy were okay?" She offered as the reason for her behavior.

"I won't be if Giles finds you here."

She sighed and sat back on the couch.

"I'm tired of being treated like a baby. I'm not. I'm sixteen." She started off but I stopped her telling her I knew the song. To sing it to someone else.

"I heard Giles talking to Xander and Angel last night. They came back to the house after everything. He told them never to come near the two of you or they would answer to him. So, you guys are safe now." She told me in an effort to reassure me. I smiled at her.

"Thanks, Niblet, I feel positively safe now." My bad mood was being directed at her and it wasn't really fair.

"Fine, sorry that I care." She stood and as dramatically as she could headed for the door.

"Come back. It's been a bitch of a day."

"Buffy?" She asked from my side. "Is she giving you a hard time too?"

"Has she ever given me anything else?"

We both laughed at that. It was true. From day one Buffy had tormented me. Making me miserable one way or another. Dawn moved to sit again.

"Is she okay? Giles said she was really upset last night." Her concern was evident in her words and tone.

I reached a hand out and took hers.

"Yeah, she's doing okay. It really hurt her. Hell, they tried to kill me."

"But they don't mean anything to you. They do to Buffy." Dawn was dismissing my feelings of betrayal. I wasn't sure why I was feeling that. Angel and Xander didn't mean anything to me other than they mattered to Buffy.

"How's her drinking?"

I looked quizzingly at her. Buffy had a few drinks here and there. Definitely more than she had before. But it didn't seem like a problem. Dawn read my face because she continued before I could say anything.

"After Giles moved in he found a few bottles she had hidden around the house. And one time I went to take a drink of her coke and almost choked to death."

It started me thinking of all the times that Buffy would pour a coke then go downstairs. Only to return a few minutes later. But why would she hide it from me? And how much was she drinking? I stood quickly.

"Time to take you home."

She protested at first but gave in when she saw I wasn't going to change my mind. When we pulled in the drive Giles was heading for his car. He walked over to us and waited while Dawn got off the bike. She bent down and kissed my cheek. Then whispered in my ear to take care of Buffy. To protect her. Then without saying anything to Giles headed back into the house.

"Don't be too hard on her. She was only checking on Buffy and me." I tried to cover for her. Maybe she wouldn't get in as much trouble.

"I know, Spike." He sighed. "Thank you for bringing her home."

He started to turn to leave but hesitated and looked back at me.

"I know she's safe if she's with you." Then he walked into the house. Leaving me staring after him in stunned silence. Where had that come from? But it made me feel good. And it gave me more resolve to do what I needed to do. I backed the bike up and headed for home. It was time for Buffy to get a wake up call. And I was going to make sure she got it.

Chapter 9 - Torn

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
lying naked on the floor
illusion never changed
into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
you're a little late
I'm already torn
Natalie Imbruglia

I had a few hours before I had to go and pick Buffy up. Every inch of the crypt, the bedroom, tunnels and caretaker's house was searched in that time. Four bottles in all were hidden. Two whiskey, two vodka. One of each unopened. Tucked away in the back of her knickers drawer was the surprise. A small sandwich bag holding one perfectly rolled joint. I wondered if she had ever smoked it before or if this was going to be an experiment. Because it was just the one joint and not a bag. But that wasn't the point tonight so I just tossed it in the pile with the other stuff. The only other thing I found was a pack of stale cigarettes. She had been smoking mine since I had been back so that made sense. Once everything was gathered together I took it all back upstairs and laid it out on the sarcophagus.

It was still early but I went ahead and left for The Edge. I went in when I got there and sat at the bar. By now Arnie knew me from dropping off and picking up Buffy and he came over to say hello. We made small talk as the place started to close down. Then as the girls were cleaning up I started to help them again. Started talking to Mitzi. Flirted with her a little. Just to see Buffy's reaction. She just kept watching us. But wouldn't meet my eyes. Good let her stew a little bit in the words of her own folly.

Buffy finally came over to us and said she was ready to go. I nodded at her and told Mitzi good night. The ride home was quiet. My stomach was acting a little nervous about what I had planned so I didn't say much. Buffy just held on to me. Tonight she had scooted close to me with her arms around my middle. I didn't drop her off at the crypt like I usually do but took her with me to park the bike. Didn't want her to see until I was with her. When we were almost to the crypt I pulled her into my arms and kissed her. Long, slow and wet. I wasn't sure what her reaction would be and I wanted one taste. Especially if this was going to be the last time.

I let her walk in ahead of me. Took my duster off and threw it over the back of the couch. Needed freedom of movement. She started toward the frig like she did every night when she saw. Her face paled a little at the sight.

"Spike, what's going on?" She looked over at me. Her eyes wide showing her confusion and embarrassment.

"Why were you hiding it from me?" As I spoke I came to stand behind her. Taking my right arm over her right arm and resting my hand on her belly. And softly began to caress it.

"Because…" As she struggled for an excuse I brought my left arm around her and rested it against her chest. She relaxed against me. Leaning back into my embrace. Having no clue of what was about to happen.

"Because you forgot who you were living with. Didn't you?" A growl came deep from with me as I vamped out. My arms tightened around her my left hand pulling her head to the side as my mouth closed around her throat. She stiffened in my embrace and tried to pull away. But it was too late. I had her incapacitated. The demon in me screamed for me to do the deed. To take her. To feed from a human for the first time in a long time. But I didn't because this was my Buffy. My fangs gently scrapped against her skin and then I released her.

Buffy stumbled away from me. Her hand against her throat. The fear in her eyes was real.

"You son of a bitch." She turned and started running for the weapons trunk. I leaped over the couch and grabbed her. I threw her against the wall and put an arm on either side of her. I shook my face until the demon was gone.

She didn't try to move again. Her breathing was hard and it caressed my face with each exhale. I looked deep in her eyes wanting to drown there.

"Do you remember the night when you paid me to tell you how I killed the Slayers?" She nodded her head. "And I told you they had a death wish. You have something worse, Summers, you have complacency. You've forgotten who you are living with. I've become Spike, the pet dog. It's really funny you know. You and your friends never stopped to think why I was hanging around. Yeah, blame it all on the chip. But I was there because I wanted to be around you."

My hand went up to caress her cheek.

"I can still hurt demons therefore I can still lead them. Even with this chip I could still create terror. All I need is minions. Drusilla would kill for me. Bring me my meals. As a matter of fact she begged me to stay with her in Paris. But I didn't for you. Always for you."

My hand dropped to her shoulder. Moving my fingers against her skin. My eyes looked up to meet hers.

"You forgot that I am a vampire. A master vampire if you're into titles. I could have killed you a moment ago. And there was nothing you could have done."

She snorted at this and then laughed. Before she could move my hand was around her throat. Just gently squeezing no big pressure.

"Your heartbeat keeps me awake sometimes. The blood rushing through your veins calls to me to feed. To be what I was meant to be. And you lie there so innocently and so blindly. No defenses when you snore next to me. In the throes of passion my lips kiss what I so long to bite. And you don't even realize."

I dropped my hand from her throat and move down to place it over her heart. Feeling the rhythm of it. Faster than normal. I leaned forward and kissed her softly.

"You like having sex with me. It makes you feel, doesn't it?" She didn't answer me but tried to turn away and I gently pushed her back against the wall. "I could make you feel a lot things if you let me. Pain and pleasure. I could teach you things that you never even dreamed about. There is very little that I haven't done or have had done to me."

My hand moved to cup her breast. Massaging and kneading it. I gave a small laugh.

"You know how your first time is supposed to be so special. Before Drusilla I was this bumbling, pussy boy virgin. Then she turned me. My first time was bloody and violent. Angelus and Darla laughed at me. But I was a very quick learner."

My hand dropped to her waist and for a moment I buried my face against her shoulder. The memories were hard to deal with sometimes. After a moment I lifted my head and looked at her again.

"I learned all about sex from creatures of the night who were masters of depravity and torture. Chains, whips, blood, holy water. Pain was the price to be paid for pleasure. Not always. But you have to keep yourself amused."

She spoke for the first time. "Creatures? Plural?"

"Yes, Buffy, plural. Not just Drusilla. What did you think, baby, that when dawn broke Dru and I would go to one room. And Darla and Angelus would go to another. Some nights it was like that. If we were lucky. Some nights we stayed in the homes of people we killed. We had no souls, no conscious, and no morals. We traveled together for decades. Fought together. Tortured together. Fed together. And sometimes we fucked together. Bodies mingling together. And you forget and don't care where the hands go as long as they are touching. Mouths too."

Her eyes closed and she turned her head from me.

"Open your eyes, Buffy."

My hand grabbed her chin and forced her to turn my way. Her eyes opened the tears threatening to spill.

"The mouth that has kissed you. Has kissed me. The hands that have pleasured you. Have pleasured me."

"No." The one word filled with so much emotional pain. Then I kissed her hard. My tongue not requesting but demanding response. My arm wrapped around her. My hand bringing her forward against me. As I felt her start to respond I released her. And the tears started to fall.

"Don't make offers that you aren't ready to back up. Sexually you can't shock me. So, if you really want to bring Mitzi back one night. I'll let her into our bed. Let the two of you crawl all over me. Then as you watch I flip her on her back and fuck her brains out. Would you like to watch that? Me pounding into someone else. Someone else giving me what I only want from you. Then you can watch as I make her cum and as she is screaming my name I'll rip her throat from her."

Buffy's eyes opened wide. "The chip. You couldn't."

"Oh, but Buffy I could. Sometimes the pleasure of the bite is the most sexual thing of all." I reached up and gently traced the scar Angel had left on her. "You should know." I looked over to make sure her eyes were on me. "I'll even bet that you had one of the most intense orgasms of your life when Angel was draining the life blood from you. Even more intense then the night he popped your cherry."

She pushed at me. "You pig."

And I knew I was right. She knew I was right.

"So, Buffy." My hand caressed her face. Pushing her hair back behind her ear. "Don't tell me not to love you. It's the only thing keeping you alive."

I turned and left. Not bothering with the ladder I just took a leap to the lower level. I stripped my clothes from me on the way to the bed. After laying down I lit a cigarette. My hands were shaking so bad. I heard her start to cry. Horrible crying. Worse than the night before. But I didn't go to her to make it all better. She had to realize. So, I waited.

She moved quietly until she was standing next to the bed.

"Spike, do you not want me anymore?" The tears were still in her voice. Her hands were being wrung together as she asked. Somewhere she had gotten the idea that I was trying to scare her away. I wasn't. My thoughts were if she didn't have to hide in shame and guilt maybe she could face her problems head on.

I sat up and scooted to the edge. Turning her until she stood between my legs.

"I will always want you." I reached up and undid the bow holding her top together. She pulled it up and over her head. Throwing it onto the floor. Then reaching behind her I undid the zipper of her shorts. As I started to pull them down I stopped to kiss the skin right above her mound. Once she was naked except for the stockings I picked her up and laid her down on the bed. Spreading her legs I went to lie between them.

"Buffy, you can't forget who you are. Who I am. It's dangerous. Just know this. I will never judge you. My love is here unconditionally."

Her hand came up to caress my cheek.

"Everything is so confusing. I feel so lost. Like I don't belong anywhere."

'I know, baby. But I will always be your anchor. Just don't play games. Don't hide. I am not going to wag my finger at you and tell you how bad you are. Even you at your worst couldn't compare to what I have seen. Okay?"

She nodded at me. Then tremulously asked me.

"Do I satisfy you?"

Her question was so serious. I didn't answer her for a moment because I couldn't believe she was even asking.

"I know I'm not that experienced." She started to blush. "I mean I haven't tried a lot of stuff. But if you want to I'd be willing to learn."

She was lucky that I knew her as well as I did. Because the images that went through my mind would have had her running for the door. But from where she had been it was probably her on top or him on top. And that was about it for the wild life with Riley. And so far with me we hadn't done much more. Maybe it was time for her to learn a few things. And I sure as hell was willing to teach her. And right now wouldn't be a bad time to start. I smiled at her and came down to kiss her.

Evil is such a seductress. Sometimes you don't even see her coming. And that night she snuck right in there with us. Even with the best of intentions on my part she had become a welcome guest in our home.

Chapter 10 - Feels Like The First Time

I would climb any mountain, sail across the stormy sea
If that's what it takes me baby, to show how much you mean to me
And I guess that it's just the woman in you, that brings out the man in me
I know I can't help myself, you're all in the world to me
It feels like the first time, feels like the very first time
I have waited a lifetime, spent my time so foolishly
But now that I found you, together we'll make history
And I know that it must be the woman in you, that brings out the man in me
I know I can't help myself, you're all my eyes can see
And it feels like the first time, like it never did before
Feels like the first time, like we've opened up the door
Feels like the first time, like it never will again, never again
Foreigner

It was Tuesday. Buffy's day to visit with Dawn. For the whole hour that Social Services allowed them. I had been watching her get ready for her appointment. All of a sudden it was like she was the old Buffy. She had dressed in a navy blue skirt that fell to her knees and a white button up shirt. So prim and proper unlike the woman I had spent the night with. Now this morning she wouldn't even kiss me. Pushed me away and said she didn't have time. It was okay though. The nervousness was coming off her in waves. Her hands shaking as she tried to fasten her necklace. I got up and took it from her. Fastened it for her. Then backed away.

"Thank you, Spike." Her eyes met with mine and she smiled. Then she turned and started up the ladder.

"Do you want me to go with you?" It would be a bitch during the day but if she needed me I wanted to be there. She stopped and backed down the ladder. But she didn't turn to look at me. Her back was stiff.

"Xander is taking me." I could barely hear her whisper the words.

"Like bloody hell that wanker is taking you anywhere." I started to reach for my clothes when she came to me. She grabbed my hands pulling them up to her chest. Nestling our hands between us.

"Please, don't. He's been taking me since the first one. He arranged to take the time off every Tuesday with his boss to be there for us. I can't take a fight between you two on this."

I knew she was right at least about the fighting bit. This was one of those times that I wished I wasn't a vampire so that I could take over. Xander had it over me on this one. I hated that I couldn't be there for the two of them. I sighed and nodded my head.

"He said he would behave when he's here. When we talked earlier he apologized for the other night."

"To you. Not to me. He still wants me dead." I almost broke out in a rant as good as one of Dawn's when Buffy's eyes started to tear up. Then I shut up. Pulled her to me in an embrace where I tried to convey concern and support. Not the anger and frustration that was coursing through me. She kissed me gently and whispered a thank you to me.

I hated every moment but stayed where I was while he came to the door. And took off with my girl. By the time they had left I was ready to break something. While she was gone I took to straightening and cleaning the place. I really hated to say it but Buffy had become a slob while she was living here. Her stuff was just strewn all over the place. She seemed to ignore it so I was always putting things away. Scrubbed down the bathroom and separated the clothes for the laundromat later. Cleaning helped me to diffuse some of the anger and frustration that I was feeling.

She had become too important to me in the time that she had been with me. My life had revolved around her for the last couple of years. But now I couldn't make a move without her. I was beginning to wonder who I was without her there. Hell, just last night I had been telling her she had forgotten who I was. But I was forgetting myself. Maybe later I needed to go hang out with my own kind. Do something that demons do. Anything to remind me that I was the Big Bad.

By the time Buffy returned that afternoon the place was pretty much spotless. I was smoking one cigarette after another. I had finished my latest Laurell K. Hamilton book and was now watching pointless television. She came in like there wasn't a care in the world. At least she hadn't invited him in. And as far as I was concerned she had better be bloody grateful she hadn't. I didn't turn her way but listened as she headed to get a soda. She hesitated by the bottles of liquor but passed it by. Coming to sit on the couch reaching for my cigarettes. I was still in a foul mood and almost made a comment. But then I remembered she was the one who had bought them. Kept my opinion to myself.

"How was your visit?" May as well be polite if nothing else. And actually I was curious as to how much trouble Dawn was in.

"It went good. Dawn was glad to see me. First time she's hugged me in a while. Wanted to make sure I was okay. And she asked about you. Said to tell you that Giles went easy on her. Just grounded her for the weekend." She leaned back and took a drag of her cigarette.

"Good. I'm glad that you all had a good talk." I finally turned to look at Buffy. Her face was pale and she had been crying at some point. I reached my hand out to her. She looked at it for a moment then put her hand in mine. Pulling her over until she sat in my lap I hugged her close to me. Took her cigarette and crushed it out in the ashtray on the floor. Just wanted Buffy to myself for a few moments. Her face was nestled in my neck and her fingers caressed my chest. In a lazy distracted kind of way. Everything was right again in the world. Buffy was in my arms.

I looked around over her head and saw the bag on the couch. It was from the bookstore. Kissed her on top of her head and then asked her what she had bought.

"Nothing."

"Nothing. It doesn't look like nothing." I thought that we had covered the games and lies last night. But I guess I had been talking to myself. Buffy pulled back and looked down at me.

"Later. Okay? I'll share later." She stood and grabbed the bag heading for the bedroom. I stayed and watched the sway of her hips as she walked. Maybe I was just overreacting. Leaning my head against the back of the chair I sighed my frustration away. When she didn't come back up for awhile my curiosity got the better of me and I went looking for her. Yeah, I know curiosity killed the cat but I wasn't a cat. My insecurity was making me want to know everything that was going on. It was just safer that way.

Buffy was lying on the bed propped up on her elbows. One foot was swaying back and forth. I licked my lips when I saw she was dressed only in her underwear. Little girl undies. White with tiny pink flowers on them and a bra that matched. Her hair pulled to one side leaving her back exposed. She turned to look at me when she realized I was there. Sweeping the books she had been looking at under her stomach. I slowly walked over to her as she watched. Smiling as her eyes swept over me.

When I had laid down next to her I reached out to pull the books out from under her. She crossed her arms over them. Letting go I pushed her hair back and touched my lips to hers. Kissing softly. My tongue tracing her lips then pulled her bottom lip between my teeth. Sucking on it. She moaned into my mouth and shifted to get closer to me. When she did I reached out and grabbed the books.

Buffy didn't move as I did. The Big Bad had outmaneuvered her. Score one point for my side. Chuckling I looked down at what she had been hiding. Then froze as I did. When I saw what she had I felt like an ass for pushing her. Scattered across the bed was Kama Sutra and another book on pleasing your man. Then she had catalogs for Fredericks and Victoria's Secret. I laid down with my head near hers so that I could look up at her. She was bright red and her eyes were closed. Reaching up I ran my fingers down her cheek.

"Buffy, look at me." She stayed still. "Baby, it's okay. I'm sorry for pushing you. As long as it's for me, for us, I think it's great."

A single tear ran down her cheek and she dropped her head down to bury her face in her arms. I had tried to tell her last night that she drove me wild. And I couldn't be any happier with her than I was. But apparently she still felt inadequate. Maybe by giving her 'lessons' I was reinforcing the idea. A muffled sound escaped from her. She was sobbing. Twisting myself around until I was laying along side of her I put my arms around her.

"Baby, don't cry. I love you."

She turned so she was facing me burying her face in my shoulder. Her arms wrapped tightly around me.

"I'm sorry for crying. It's just embarrassing." She spoke into my shoulder.

"It shouldn't be. Come on out of there. And we can look at it together." She shook her head against me and clutched me tighter to her. It almost felt like I was dealing with a child. "Come on, pretty baby, come out and play with Daddy." I told her teasingly. Then ran my fingers to her midriff and tickled her. She started giggling and rolled onto her back looking up at me. She ran her hand up to my head and ruffled my hair with her fingers. Drawing me down to sear our lips together. I pulled her body flush against me. Moving my leg between hers. Rubbing my cock against her hip.

"See, I just have to be around you for a moment and I'm ready to go." I whispered against her ear. Running my tongue around it. Pulling the lobe into my mouth sucking on it. My hand moving along her stomach down to the apex of her thighs. Caressing her outside of her panties. I loved it when all I had to do was touch her and she became wet. After all those years of wanting her and now she was here and wanting me back. It was sweet. Kissing her quickly I pulled away. Later. I rolled over onto my stomach and pulled the Fredericks catalog to me and started to flip through it. She looked at me in surprise then rolled over next to me. We spent the rest of the afternoon picking out stuff we liked. Going through the 'sex guides' laughing at some stuff and deciding on things that we wanted to try. The more we went through stuff the more relaxed she became.

There was still an innocence to her when it came to talking but when it came to the actual deed she let go. Sometimes I had trouble keeping up with her appetite. She just hadn't done it in a lot of different ways and places and thought that because she hadn't she wasn't good enough. It just seemed to go with everything else that she was feeling. So, I excused it away.

I tossed the catalogs to the other side of the bed. That's when I saw the back. They were addressed to Anya. When Buffy realized I had seen she started to scoot off the bed.

"You got these from Anya?" I reached out and wrapped my hand around her wrist.

"Yeah, I just told her I needed some new stuff. It's not like I told her I was trying to improve our sex life or anything." She shrugged her shoulder and tried to look innocent. "Especially the Victoria's Secret one. It's mostly clothes and stuff."

I raised an eyebrow at her and let her go. It just felt strange that she might have talked to someone else about us. In bed. Girl talk. I wonder if my body had been part of the conversation. Like being compared to Xander. That definitely gave me the willies.

Buffy was pulling jeans and a t-shirt on. She turned back to me and asked if I wanted to go to the store with her after she grabbed something to eat.

"Do you ever eat anything besides sandwiches and stuff?" Since I had been back that was like her staple for food.

"Yeah pretty much, it's not like you have a fully equipped kitchen up there. And even if you did I'm not that great of a cook."

So, I took her out to dinner. To a little steakhouse out on the highway. I had found out they had those onion things I liked. Went over there every once in a while to get one to go. So, we ordered that and spicy wings to start but I mostly ate those. It was good to see her eat a real meal for a change. I missed the extra pounds she had as a teenager. She had been so cute when I had first seen her. Softly rounded in all the right places. I had wanted her even then.

She fed me bites of her dinner as she ate. Then as she put her napkin down on the table she covered her mouth and let out a very unladylike burp. I just laughed at her. She looked at me for a moment. Probably deciding whether to be mad or not. But she ended up giggling and shrugging her shoulders.

"I am so full. Thank you." She smiled over at me and reached out to squeeze my hand. When the bill came she reached for her purse but I beat her to it. Laying the money out for the waitress. She knitted her brows together but I refused to answer her unasked question. One of these days I would explain a few things to her. But not yet.

After she ate we stopped at the store to stock up on stuff. Wheatabix, beer and smokes for me. She grabbed more sandwich stuff, soda and some snacks. Then she told me to wait for her at the front and I refused. She rolled her eyes and headed down the female aisle. Grabbing some tampons she threw them in the cart. Just as I was reaching for some KY Jelly she smacked my hand.

"We are so not going there. Let's go." She grabbed my hand and started to pull me along. I started walking along beside her. Nodded toward the blue box I asked, "Is that going to start soon?"

"Soon enough." She didn't look at me and kept going.

I leaned in close to her ear and whispered to her, "Can I have some?"

Her mouth dropped open and then she turned dark red. She started moving at a deadly pace trying to leave me behind. I just laughed and followed her.

After we had gotten home and put the stuff away I went to sit in my chair to watch the news. Settling down to find out what was going on in good old Sunnydale when she came over and sat on my lap. Curling her legs up to rest on my chest. She had brought the pint of chocolate ice cream she had gotten at the store. We watched the news together as she fed us dessert. My hand playing with her hair. Content. Is the only way to describe how I felt.

We had spent the day together. Doing ordinary things. Like millions of other couples around the world. But for me it was a first. I could almost forget what I was. Spending the day with her. Somewhere I had forgotten all about going out and doing demon things. This was where I wanted to be. This is what I wanted to be doing.

But I also wanted the day to end doing things other couples did. I picked her up and stood. Walked her over to the sarcophagus. Stood her on her feet while I threw the blanket over it. Then reached under her arms and sat her on the edge. Took the ice cream from her hands and set it to the side. I stripped off my shirt then reached for the edge of hers. Pulled it over her head. She just let me do what I wanted with a curious look on her face. After her shirt had joined mine I undid her bra and it soon joined the growing pile. Then it was time for her jeans to come off. I undid the snap and told her to lie back. She raised her hips so I could pull them off. Then I reached for her hands and pulled her to a sitting position again.

I picked up the pint spooning out some. After I fed it to her I kissed her. My tongue dancing with hers as the chocolate melted in her mouth. I wrapped my arm around her pulling her close to the edge. As I broke contact she murmured against my mouth asking for more. I shook my head and told her to lean back on her hands. As she did her breasts arched up the way I wanted them too. Taking a spoonful of the creamy confection I spooned it onto one of her peaks. Then a spoonful on the other. Watched them melt against the heat of her flesh. Her nipples puckered against the cold. Taking the back of the spoon I spread the melting treat around so they were completely covered. Once they were the way I wanted them I started to lick it off. Saving her nipples for last. She moaned as I reached out and just flicked one hardened nub. Then drew it into my mouth suckling at one than the other.

My fingers kneading her ass pulling her closer to me. Her legs wrapped my waist. Her fingers entwined in my hair holding me close to her. Once her breasts were cleaned of any chocolate I took a spoonful into my mouth and waited for her to come to me. Her tongue sweeping the inside of my mouth. Melting it and swirling it around my tongue. Her arms wrapped around me. Pulling me till our chests rubbed together. When she stopped for air I told her to lie back. Pushing her back some so I had room to bend on my arms and still reach her.

She watched wide-eyed as I took the spoonful and put it at the top of her pussy. Then a couple more. When I had put enough I spread her open with my fingers letting it melt down the middle of her. She hissed as the coolness met her heat. I smiled and bent my head down. I licked it first from her vulva. My fingers stroking the opening of her warmth. Just the tips of my fingers penetrating. Then small strokes of my tongue along the inside of her lips . Lapping at the chocolate. With each lap I pushed my fingers further into her. Her hands gripped the blanket as I enjoyed myself. Finally I reached her clit. Sucking on it then rubbing it with my tongue. My fingers were thrusting as far as I could reach at this point. Her hips started to move in time to my fingers. I kept the pressure up. Responding to her. Leading her toward her release. As she came around me I lapped up the extra moisture. Once she had stopped convulsing I climbed up between her legs. Undoing my jeans as I moved. She smiled up at me as I came to lie on her. Her hips coming up to meet my cock as I started to enter her.

This was home to me now. With her. In her. Loving her. My life had changed. And I never could go back. I didn't even want to anymore. Life seemed good at this point.

Chapter 11 - Peaceful Easy Feeling

And I found out a long time ago
What a woman can do to your soul
Ah, but she can't take you anyway
You don't already know how to go
And I gotta peaceful, easy feeling
And I know you won't let me down
'Cause I'm already standing on the ground
Eagles

The next night after I dropped Buffy off at work I headed to meet up with Clem. It was the standing night for the poker game. Made my way into the back room and sat down at the table. The other guys weren't overly welcoming but I was getting used to it. After a few hands and me losing every one, Clem and I made our way out to the front and took over a table. Conversation was just mostly bullshit. Guy talk. Then he got kinda nervous. Looked around to see who was hanging about and then leaned a little more over the table.

"There's been talk lately." He told me in a low voice. I knew whatever he was had to say wasn't going to be good. So, I lit up a cigarette and nodded my head for us to take a walk. We didn't say anything else until we were outside in the alley.

"What's up mate?" I asked him as he was still looking around.

"I really shouldn't be telling you but I like you. It's about your girlfriend." A shot of pride just went through me as he called Buffy my girlfriend. It was just weird that we were seen as a couple now. Well, at least by the demon world.

"What about her?" I took another drag of my cigarette and waited for Clem to explain.

"The guys, demons, they know that she hasn't really been around lately." He stopped for a minute as a couple of vampires walked by us headed for the bar.

"They're talking about starting trouble. Saying if the Slayer doesn't care then they should just start doing whatever they want." He explained to me. Clem was putting himself on the line by telling me at least this much of the plan. I figured he was already getting hassled about being my friend but if they found out he was giving me information then the poor guy would probably end up dead.

"Thanks. I'll talk to Buffy and see that she starts to make more of a show about town." I patted him on the shoulder and turned to leave.

"Talk to ya later." Clem called to me as I was walking away. I turned around and told him to stop by the crypt sometime to hang out. He nodded his head and turned to go the other way.

There was one more stop that I wanted to make before picking up Buffy. The Magic Box. It was after ten by now and it should be all closed up. I dropped down into the sewer tunnels and made my way up through the basement. After checking for any sound I headed for the office. Anya's computer had Internet access and that was what I needed. I turned the machine on and waited for it to warm up. I turned as I heard a sound. It was Anya coming straight at me.

"What are you doing?" Anya asked me angrily. "How did you get in here?"

I smiled my best 'Aren't I adorable?' smile at her.

"Just needed to use the computer for a bit." I told her as if that would explain everything.

"Well, that is considered stealing. Get out now." Anya reached out to turn the computer off again when I grabbed her hand. She turned to look down at me.

"Come on. Let me stay. I just need to order something then I'll be out." She pulled her arm away from me but she didn't reach for the computer again.

"What do you need to order?" Her curiosity was up.

"Just some stuff." I really didn't want to tell her that I was going to order lingerie for Buffy. Did not want to bring that subject up.

"Well, if you can't tell me what you are going to order then you can't use it. How do I know that you're not going to order something that is completely evil?" She crossed her arms and waited for me to give a response.

"Okay, okay." I reached into the inside pocket of my duster and pulled out the copy of the Frederick's catalog and handed it to her. Then I stared at the computer screen while I waited for the sarcastic comments to start. But she squealed.

"You're shopping for Buffy aren't you? I just knew it. Need new stuff. Yeah, right." Without waiting for an answer she went and pulled a chair over. After she was sitting next to me she told me she would help. I looked at her like she was crazy but she just smiled and gestured for me to sign on. I clicked on the icon for the Internet and waited for it to be pulled up.

"What are you doing here so late?" I asked her. It was almost eleven at night and she was hanging around the shop in the dark.

Anya looked down at her hands and told me with a catch in her voice that there was no reason to go home anymore. She sighed and opened up the catalog.

"Click on favorites." She told me once the screen was up. "I used to order from there all the time."

Her voice was sad and wistful. I guess she had stopped ordering when Xander had dumped her. I looked at her briefly and then turned back to the screen. I clicked on the lingerie section. The drool almost got all over the keyboard as I started to imagine Buffy in some of this stuff. As I was ordering a lacy teddy in black Anya stopped me.

"Don't get it in black. Order the pink or white."

"Why? I like the black." The thought of Buffy lying under me covered in black lace was dancing around in my head. Her acting like she was bad had kept me going for days now.

"Because Buffy likes being girly. It's from being the Slayer. When she's not on duty she likes being feminine. And she is the one who will be wearing it."

It made sense to me. So, I ordered the pink. Quite a few pieces of lingerie later I was ready to complete the order when Anya had me click on gifts. She told me there was other things that would be fun. So, a couple of bottles of flavored massage oils and a body frosting kit were added to the order. I figured Buffy could return the favor and I could be the dessert this time.

"How are you paying for this?" Anya asked me with a bit of suspicion in her voice.

"Your Pay Pal account." I told her with a straight face and just kept filling out the order form. Anya reached out and pushed me away from the computer.

"No, I am not paying for Buffy to have lingerie so she can have sex. Not when I am not getting any." Anya looked down at me while I started laughing at her comment.

"Simmer down, pet. I was joking." I reached into my pocket again pulling out a check card and handed it to her.

She looked at it and then at me. "William Blood. Who did you steal this from?"

"No one. That's me. If you are going to be immortal a bloke has got to do some planning." I explained to her. It was true. You couldn't steal everything. And in my past life as I accumulated people's purses some of it went into a bank. Money wasn't really a priority with me. But sometimes you just needed some cash. And if you left most of it alone it grew.

"Oh. Very smart. I like that. Proceed with your order." She gave her approval and handed back the card. I think I had impressed her. One thing about Anya she did like money.

"Can I have the stuff delivered here?" It would be easier than trying to pick it up at the post office.

"Sure. No problem."

I paid extra for express delivery so that we would have it in two days. After everything was set I went ahead and shut down her computer.

"Thanks Anya. I appreciated the help."

"No problem."

We just sat there for a moment both of us feeling kind of awkward. It wasn't like we were really friends or anything. Her ex hated me and wanted me to be a big pile of dust. It wasn't that I didn't want to be friends with her. Out of the whole gang she seemed the person I could most get along with considering she was an ex-demon.

"How are you doing? With everything I mean?" I hadn't really meant to ask it just kind of came out of my mouth while I was thinking of everything else. But she actually seemed glad that I had.

"I'm doing okay. It just hurts a lot. I just don't understand how he could do that to me." Her face got sad and she shrugged her shoulders. "Now I think maybe he didn't love me at all. Not the way I loved him."

I reached over and brushed her hair out of her face. Then at the sadness that was in her eyes I cupped her face and brushed her cheek with my thumb.

"The wanker is a complete fool for doing that." She nodded her head then stood to walk over to the other side of the room. We hung around for a bit. Talking. Comparing notes on living with humans. Talking about the good old days of being demons. Almost like that time a couple of years ago when we had hung out. But now we were both in a little deeper. And a little bit more battle scarred. Finally it was time for me to leave.

"Why don't I give you a ride home? It's late and you shouldn't be here alone."

"Okay."

We didn't say anything on the way to her place. A new little place that just wasn't home to her. Tried to be a gentlemen by walking her to her door.

"Thanks again, Anya. I'll be by Thursday night to pick up the packages." Smiling at her one last time I turned to walk away. Halfway down the hall after I didn't hear her go in I turned to look to see what was up. She was standing there watching me walk away. We just stood there for a moment looking at each other.

"Buffy is a lucky woman." Anya said breaking the silence. Then she quickly turned and went into her apartment. Yeah, if I hadn't already given my heart to Buffy, Anya would be a lady I would definitely pursue. Xander was a bloody idiot for walking away from a woman like her.

I sighed and headed for my bike. It was time to pick up my girl. As I drove into the parking lot Buffy was coming out the door with the other girls. She smiled when she saw me and picked up her pace to get to me. Once she reached me she sat on the bike in front of me. Throwing her arms around me she started to lean in for a kiss. But she stopped and inhaled deeply. Her eyes flashed fire and she jumped up to stand next to me.

"Who the hell have you been with?" Her eyes were glittering the way they did when she was really pissed off.

"No one, love. Get back over here." I reached for her but she pushed my arm aside.

"I can smell perfume. Who have you been with?" She said it very slowly like I was an idiot or something.

"You jealous?" I looked up at her with a trace of a smirk on my face.

"No. Not even close."

"Possessive then?"

"Delusional much."

She turned on her heel and started walking off. I started to walk the bike following her.

"Come on, Buffy. Stop the titty attack and let's go home."

She turned and tried to slap me. I caught her arm and pulled her toward me. Wrapping my arms around and holding her close to me.

"I was with Anya."

"Oh, you do want to die, don't you?" She struggled to get up. Pushing at me and twisting her body. "Because if I don't do it then Xander certainly will."

"Not like that. I had to get some more Berber weed and she was still there. Gave her a ride home. That's all."

"You expect me to believe that." Buffy had stopped struggling but wouldn't look at me. I leaned in and nuzzled her neck. She reached over and tried to bite the side of my face.

"What the hell are you trying to do? I told you the truth. You don't leave me the energy to try to fuck anyone else." I was beginning to lose my temper. How the hell could she even think I wanted someone else.

"Really?" It didn't sound like she was convinced but she was calming down. Her eyes searched mine. I was hoping that she couldn't read my mind. And the fact that not an hour ago I was wondering how Anya would be in bed. But even with my imagination at it's worst I didn't think it could compare to the reality of my little hellcat.

"Yes, really. If you want you can inspect me. No bites or scratches that aren't yours."

Giving me one last long searching look she sighed. I couldn't figure out if she believed me or just didn't want to fight anymore.

"Come on. Let's go home." She pulled out of my arms and moved to climb on the back of the bike. I turned to look back at her.

"We need to go patrolling."

"Why? I'm tired and my feet are killing me." She whined and laid her face on my back snaking her arms around my middle.

I told her what Clem had told me about the demons. And that she needed to make an appearance to show them she was still around. She reluctantly agreed with me. Doing patrols was a nuisance to her now. That was part of the life she was trying to get away from. But she also knew that it was her duty. And she knew that it was something that she couldn't avoid altogether. Not if the people she cared about were going to stay safe.

"Can I at least go home and put some jeans or something else on?" I laughed because she was wearing a short skirt and that would be something for the vamps to spread around. The Slayer flashing them as she dusted them.

After she had changed we made a show of patrolling. Hitting the more populated places. Surprising them when they saw her coming. Let a couple of them go so they could spread the word. Buffy was back in action. As we were headed home we ran into a group of four vamps heading home before dawn. They fought for their lives as we picked them off one by one. When the last one was standing I pushed him her way so she could have the honors. She staked him and then turned to look at me.

I looked up at her and caught her eyes. Started to look away and then looked back as she continued to stare. There was something going on inside her and for the second time that night I couldn't read her. Then she moved. Running she came right at me. Pushing me to the ground falling on top of me. Her mouth attached itself to mine. Our teeth knocked together at the force that she came at me. After kissing me harshly she pulled back. Her weight on her hands on either side of me.

"I will stake you if you ever even think about being with someone else." Then she kissed me again. She stood up and reached her hand out to me. I took it and she pulled me up. Then like she almost hadn't made a declaration of love she started heading for home. Chuckling I just started following her. I couldn't wait for her presents to get here. Anya had said that lingerie could make any woman melt. And I wanted Buffy to melt. Right into the Big Bad's arms.

Chapter 12 - Head Games

Daylight, alright
I don't know, I don't know if it's real
Been a long night and something ain't right
You won't show, you won't show how you feel
No time ever seems right
To talk about the reasons why you and I fight
It's high time to draw the line
Put an end to this game before it's too late
I daydream for hours it seems
I keep thinkin' of you, yeah, thinkin' of you
These daydreams, what do they mean?
They keep haunting me, are they warning me?
Daylight turns into night
We try and find the answer but it's nowhere in sight
It's always the same and you know who's to blame
You know what I'm sayin', still we keep on playin'
Head games, it's you and me baby
Head games, and I can't take it anymore
Head games, I don't wanna play the...
Foreigner

Thursday seemed to take forever to get there. I kept running this scenario through my mind of Buffy opening her presents. And the little show I would get while she tried her gifts on. Yeah. I just couldn't wait. Soon. She would declare her feelings. That little scene in the cemetery the other night and what she gave me when we got home had convinced me. She loved me. I just had to be patient a little longer.

We had spent the better part of the afternoon in bed. Sleeping. Making love. Just being. But as usual not really talking about anything. Finally around dusk we finally left the bed and got dressed. I had to restock my supply of blood. So, I used that as an excuse to leave. She offered to come with me. But I told her that I didn't want her seeing that part of me. Which was actually true. It just didn't feel right to for us to be shopping for blood together. I hated going to buy the stuff. It was unnatural. But nothing was natural anymore.

So, I took off for the Magic Box first. Anya had wrapped all the presents for me in dainty pink and white wrapping paper and bags. I couldn't believe she had done that. She just told me that it was the least she could do for a friend. It felt nice that she would do that for me and Buffy. I laughed though when she handed me the receipt for the wrapping paper. Dutifully handed over the cash for it. That was just Anya for you. We put all the packages in a couple of big shopping bags to make it easier to carry back to the crypt. Then I went and picked up a bottle of champagne. Something to celebrate with after she opened everything. Finally I picked up my blood and headed home.

I went in through the caretaker's house because I didn't want her to see until I was ready. Stored all the stuff in the tunnel near the bedroom before checking to see where she was. She wasn't in the crypt anywhere. Probably went on a quick patrol or something. The coast was clear so I retrieved the bags and brought them back into the bedroom. Arranged them on the bed in a pile right in the middle. It looked like Christmas without a tree. Didn't look half bad if you asked me.

Then I retraced my steps through the house grabbed my blood and the champagne and headed through the cemetery. As I got closer to home I heard Buffy and Tara talking. They were saying something about being wrong and that it would all work out. They were sitting on the bench outside of my place. Both of them drinking white wine. But as they saw me coming they both got quiet. When I got close enough I leaned over and kissed Buffy on the cheek.

"Hello, love." Then I turned to Tara. "How are you doing? And how is Willow?"

She smiled at me and told me they were both fine. That they were meeting for coffee the next day.

"So, you back together?" She looked happy and contented. I was glad that the birds were working things out. Everybody deserved to be happy. Except Xander and Angel.

"Trying to." Tara told me.

They both seemed uncomfortable with me being there. I had interrupted their little talk. Knowing that they weren't going to continue with me there I excused myself and went in. Put the blood and champagne in the refrigerator. Settled down in front of the telly to wait for Buffy to come back in.
Was watching a rerun of CSI about some woman that killed people to drink their blood. What complete rot. Either you were a vampire or you weren't. Blaming it on a disease didn't change who you were. But I watched the show anyway. I liked how they went about figuring stuff out.

Buffy came in as the show was ending. I looked over at her as she made her way toward the frig. She put the wine glasses on the shelf and grabbed a bigger glass. Mixed herself a glass of whiskey and soda. She caught me looking at her and made a face at me. Like asking me what I thought I was I looking at. I turned back to the telly wondering why tonight of all nights did she have to be in a snit. After she had made her drink she came over and plopped on the couch.

"What did you and Tara talk about?" Thought maybe if we could talk she would get back to a good mood again. And then we could have fun.

"Nothing." She took a drink and pointedly kept looking at the television. Obviously she didn't want to talk about anything. I got up and went to sit next to her. She looked at me as I did but didn't say anything. I pushed her hair back off of her shoulder and kissed her neck softly. Ran my hand along her leg and then up the inside of her thigh.

"Don't Spike." She grabbed my hand pulling it away from her and dropped it on they couch.

"What's wrong, Buffy? When I left everything was fine and now you're being all bitchy." Probably wasn't the best way to open up a conversation but the girl was irritating me.

"I already told you nothing was wrong. Absolutely nothing is wrong. Actually everything is fine." Buffy was practically screaming by the time she had finished. She stood and looked down at me like I was the one that had a problem.

"Well, gee, if everything is so fine. What the hell has got your panties in a twist?" I yelled back at her.

"You are such a pig."

"Yeah, so you've said before. So, if the mighty Slayer says it then it must be true. Right?" I got up so that I wasn't at the disadvantage. "Are you going to tell me what is wrong or are you going to spend all night insulting me. Because if you are I am going to go somewhere more inviting."

"What are you going to do? Run off to Anya's?" Her eyes were flashing and she took a step closer to me.

"Maybe. At least she is not a bitch to be around." I took a step closer to her.

"Well, go then. Wouldn't want Spike to be inconvenienced." She turned away from me wrapping her arms around herself.

I reached out and touched her. She didn't pull away from me. Which I guessed was a good sign.
Stepped up to her and wrapped my arms around her.

"Baby, I don't want to fight. Just talk to me. Maybe I can help."

She let out a sob and she started to shake.

"How can you help if you're part of the problem?"

I froze when she said that. And I know now that I should have been listening with my heart and my head. Not my pride. But some lessons just have to learned the hard way. My pride was leading the way. It was about me. What I was going to get out of this. What was going to happen when she opened her presents. It was almost like it wasn't as important as how she would feel about getting them as it was about the reaction that I would get. Like storing up brownie points or something.

"What do you mean?" I asked her low and dangerous. She didn't even notice. She was off somewhere in her pain. I stepped back from her and waited.

"I asked Tara to check the spell. To see if maybe I came back wrong. To see if I wasn't quite…human anymore." She started to explain hesitantly. After wiping away a tear she continued. "But she says I am fine. Like it might be a molecular sunburn or something."

"And what does this have to do with me?"

"If there is nothing wrong with me why am I here? If I am just the same old Buffy then why I can't I do this. Why did I lose Dawn and the house? Why don't my friends care anymore? Why am I living here with an evil soulless vampire?" She stopped and turned around to look at me. Her tears were falling rapidly now. Her body moving with the force of her sobbing. It didn't reach me.

"Because you love me."

She looked at me in surprise. It wasn't the response or the statement that she wanted. Actually it wasn't what she needed either. But I wasn't focused on her needs at the moment.

"No. No. I don't love you. I can't love you. You are everything that I am supposed to be against." It was like she wasn't even talking to me. More like she was talking to herself. Trying to work things out in her head.

"And I am the only one who makes you feel. Remember?" I stood up and moved close to her. Running my hands up her arms.

"No. It's disgusting. You're a dead thing. It's not real."

Her words were like a slap in my face. How could she? Us being together was disgusting? It wasn't real. We weren't real. It felt real to me.

"And you like fucking dead things don't you?" My words were meant to be cruel. She was hurting me. Ruining our night. She flinched at my words.

"No. It was different. Angel has a soul. You're evil. Remember you told me so. No morals. Isn't that what you told me the other night. You're a vampire. Don't forget Buffy. It's dangerous." She was fighting back now. Mocking me. My own words had come back to bite me in the ass.

"Yeah, and does Angel make you scream the way I do? Oh, I forgot you fucked him. He turns evil then tortures and kills your friends. And you had to make a deal with me for help. Didn't you? Spikes always there for you. And what do I get. Shit. That's what I get."

I turned away from her before this came to blows. She followed me anyway.

"You get shit, do you? I kept your sorry ass alive."

That did it. I was thoroughly pissed now. Turned around and grabbed her by her shoulders.

"For what. Not for me. For you. I took care of your sis. I take care of you. I helped your friends. And now I am your sodding fuck toy." I wanted her to hurt as much as I was hurting.

"Oh, yeah, you took such good care of my sister that I had to die. I asked you to do one thing and you fucked it up."

I was fighting tears now. That was the ultimate blow. And it hurt like a bitch. My guilt over that night constantly ate at me. Giving me nightmares.

"Get out. Get out of my crypt." I had stopped yelling. "I don't care anymore. I am through with you."

I headed downstairs with her at my heels. As we reached the lower level she saw the presents on the bed. Stopped her for a second. But I took her attention away from there as I pulled the dresser open and started throwing her clothes at her.

"Spike, stop. Please stop." She started grabbing at her clothes. She was crying even heavier now if it was possible. "Are those for me?" Her attention had returned to the presents on the bed.

"Yes, they are. Take them with you."

I walked over and grabbed some and threw them at her.

"Take them. Take your shit and get out." When she didn't move I got in her face. "Get the fuck out. Didn't you hear me? I don't care anymore."

She moved back.

"Spike, no. Please. I told you that I would disappoint you. You said it didn't matter." Her words were coming out in a whimper. I turned and started to pull more of her stuff out. I saw her out of the corner of my eye fall to the floor. Curling up into a ball. I just kept throwing stuff at her. Then I realized that she wasn't saying anything. Not making any noises at all. Her crying had stopped. I stopped and walked over. Stood with a leg on either side of her. Her hair was covering her face and her hands were curled up next to her face.

"Get up, bitch. Get up and get out. I don't want you here anymore." I yelled down at her.

"I don't have anywhere to go." She said it too calmly. It took a moment for it to register with me.

"Don't care."

"I just want my mom back. She'd make everything better." My eyes widened in surprise. I kinda shook my head as I tried to clear myself from my emotions. Then squatted down and moved her hair back. I closed my eyes to block out the sight of what she was doing. But it was still there when I opened them again. And my heart broke. The fingernails of her left hand were dug into the upper arm on her right side. She was slowly digging out her own flesh. My stomach churned at the sight.

I took her hand in mine stopping her motions. Gathered her up to me and leaned back against the bed. With her nestled between my legs and her head on my chest. I kissed her on the top her head. Hugged her close to me.

"I love you, Summers. It's going to be okay. You don't have to go anywhere."

She didn't respond so I just kept her close to me. Rocking her. Running my fingers through her hair. I learned a lot that night about love. About caring. About unconditional love. About listening. And mostly about pain. I thought I had known everything. But I didn't. And life had given me a new lesson.

After a while of rocking her I picked her up and laid her on the bed. She just curled up in a ball. The presents got stacked in the corner out of the way. I went up and got a wet washcloth and some antibiotic ointment from her first aid kit. When I came back I cleaned out her gouges and applied the lotion. She never responded to me or to what I was doing. I stripped her down to her panties and put her into one of my t-shirts. Finally I laid down next to her. Drawing her close to me.

She just laid against me. It was late into the night before either of us went to sleep. She never spoke another word that night. Just lay there. She was somewhere I couldn't reach her. It scared me. I had promised to be her anchor. Promised to love her unconditionally. And if she never loved me. Never wanted me again. I would still be there for her. Till the end of time.

Chapter 13 - Tell it to My Heart

I feel the night explode when we're together.
Emotion overload in the heat of pleasure.
Take me I'm yours into your arms.
Never let me go.
Tonight I really need to know.
The passion's so complete. It's never ending.
As long as I receive, the message you're sending.
Body to body, soul to soul
Always feel you near.
So say the words I long to hear.
Love, love on the run, breaking us down,
Though we keep holding on.
I don't want to lose, no I can't let you go.
Tell it to my heart.
Tell me I'm the only one.
Is this really love or just a game?
Tell it to my heart.
I can feel my body rock every time you call my name.
Never make it stop. Oh, take it to the heart.
Tell it to my heart...
Taylor Dane

We woke the next morning on opposite sides of the bed with our backs to each other. I just lay there staring at the wall while I listened to her stir. Nothing was the same. Her words last night had caused a rift that I wasn't sure she wanted to bridge. Being with me disgusted her. Maybe I could understand to a point. We were mismatched. But to me love was love. A great burning flame that you couldn't ignore. You had to let it consume you.

Eventually she sat up and moved off the bed. I closed my eyes so she would think I was still asleep. Wasn't ready to face her yet. Then I heard her picking up her presents and laying them on the bed. She returned to sit on the bed her back against the headboard. I started when she laid a hand on my shoulder.

"Spike, you awake?"

I rolled over onto my back with a sigh. Looked up into her eyes. Trying to figure out where she was this morning. They were filled with sadness. But she attempted a smile for me. Then reached for a present. I nodded my head at her to let her know it was okay to open it. She ran her hand along the paper and pulled the bow off. There weren't any words spoken as she opened each package. The massage oils and frosting kit was met with a smile. She took the top off the oils pouring a little out on her finger where she tasted it. Then she put a little more on her finger and held it up to my lips. I darted my tongue to take the liquid from her fingers. Her finger lingered on my lips tracing them. I gently bit down on the tip then pulled it into my mouth to suck on it. She watched my movements with desire growing in her eyes before pulling it from my mouth. Her attention returned to the presents.

The lingerie was held up and inspected. Her hands running over the soft material. Then she folded each one and laid them in a stack. When they were all opened and folded she stood and took them to the dresser. Putting them away. Which was funny because most of her clothes were still scattered around the room. She came back to sit on the bed.

"Thank you." She said to her hands folded in her lap. Then she looked up at me and smiled. A gentle bittersweet twist to her lips. I reached my hand out to cup the side of face. There was a frightened lost look to her as she leaned into my hand. Her eyelashes fluttered against her cheek as she closed her eyes. I pulled her to me. My lips hesitantly met hers. We pulled away at the first contact. Looked briefly at each other before coming together again. It was sweetness like your first kiss. Several short gentle exploration of planes and curves later I traced her lips with my tongue. Hers came out to encircle the tip of mine. I deepened the kiss chasing her back into her mouth. Her hand came to hold mine that still cupped her face. Her other hand on the bed beside me keeping her upright. Our tongues explored each other. Slowly. Seductively. Her tongue reached beyond mine to enter my mouth. I followed her in letting her lead the way. She slowly inspected my mouth. Running along my teeth before finding her way back to tease my tongue. We finally broke apart as she gulped in needed oxygen.

Buffy leaned forward pressing her lips to my forehead. My head was now held in her hand. She moved so we were face to face. Her breath caressed my face.

"Always there is this." Was all she said before she got up off the bed and headed for the bathroom. Leaving me bewildered. There was never an apology. From me or from her. No words to soothe the hurt we had caused. No making up. We did like we always did. Just kept moving forward. Pretending. Hoping. Together.

While she was gone I got up and started to put her things away. Throwing the boxes and wrapping paper away. Before moving upstairs for a glass of blood. We didn't really speak for the rest of the day. Just small questions if needed. Maybe we needed the break.

As usual I gave her a ride to work that night. For some reason as she started to walk off into the Friday night din I reached my hand out to her. Holding her back.

"Don't go in. Quit. I'll take care of you." I hated Buffy like this. Prostituting her body for tips. Flirting with men not worthy of her. Taking their touches and looks in stride. I wanted to protect her from any more ugliness. She never said a word but I knew it had to bother her. It was chipping away at whatever innocence she had left.

At first I thought she would be angry at my suggestion. But she wasn't.

"I know you would." She leaned over for a kiss then turned and walked away from me. I watched her move toward the bar. Her legs long below the hem of her barely there shorts. Her back exposed below the crop top she wore. And though I couldn't see them anymore I knew her breasts were threatening to spill from the front of her top.

I threw my head back in frustration. It wasn't supposed to be this way. It was like being lost in Wonderland with a sexy Alice. I turned my bike around and headed for home. Just wanted some time to be alone. To ease my heartache. To try to make sense of this game we were playing where neither of us knew the rules.

We stayed in virtual silence through the next day and into the night until I dropped her off at work again. She had a bad night. The place had been rowdier than usual and she had a customer that wouldn't take no for an answer. Arnie had kicked out the guy but not before he left bruises on Buffy's arm. By the time that I came for her she was in a really pissy mood. I didn't say a word to her all the way home. Kept telling myself not to start anything. Just didn't want to fight at this point. Just agreed with her and tried to stay happy for her. When she went downstairs to change I fixed her a drink. Whiskey and soda the way she liked it. She was surprised as I handed her the drink and told me thank you. Then it started. The bitching. First about work then she moved onto the fact that we didn't have cable. I raised my eyebrow and gave her a funny look at that one.

Finally I gave up and went outside. Climbed up onto the roof of the crypt. I went there sometimes when I just wanted to be by myself. Watching the stars and the moon. There was no way I was going to fight with her. I was beginning to relax when a blanket came flying over the edge of the roof landing beside me. Then a pillow followed by another pillow.

"Buffy, I came out here to be alone. Do you know what the word privacy means?" I snarled at her.

"Spike, come grab the bag." I ignored her. "Please. You won't regret it."

I rolled onto my hands and knees and crawled to the edge.

"And what exactly am I not going to regret?"

She smiled as she saw me come into sight.

"Trust me." Then she held a shopping bag up for me to take. There wasn't much choice. So I reached down to take it. Peeked inside as I put it to the side. Saw the bottle of champagne and the portable CD player then she called out to me again. Her hand was up for me to help her up. I reached down and hauled her up to the roof. I stood smoking a cigarette as she set to work. Spreading the blanket out, throwing the pillows onto it, started a CD playing, and then she handed me the bottle of champagne to open. Just an hour ago she was all agitated now she seemed content. Maybe it was the whiskey?

"What changed your mood?" I asked her as I popped the cork on the bottle and handed it back to her. She didn't answer me until we each had taken a seat on the blanket facing each other. She took a swallow of the champagne then handed it to me.

"I missed you." That was it. She missed me. It didn't explain anything but I followed her lead and took a drink. Watching her. As she scooted toward me grabbing my feet and spreading my legs. Her eyes teasing me as she came closer. She sat between my knees with her legs over my thighs. Curling her feet until they rested against my ass. The bottle sat between us.

Buffy looked really beautiful with the moonlight shining on her hair. Even dressed in a t-shirt and a pair of ripped jean shorts. Her eyes started twinkling like she was up to some sort of mischief. She took my hand and brought it toward her.

"There's a surprise if you can find it." I groaned as she took my hand and put it down the front of her shirt. I reached down toward her breasts as she started to giggle.

"You're tickling me." Then my hand encountered plastic. My brows knitted together as I started to pull it out. It was the joint. Her hand covered mine and took it away from me. I watched as she took it from the bag and pulled a lighter from her shorts. She lit it and took a hit.

"You did this before." I asked as she handed it to me.

"Once before. Graduation night. When we were recruiting people to help fight the mayor one of the guys gave Xander a bag. Told him that if we were going to die we may as well die happy." She paused as I handed it back to her. "After everything was over we went and smoked. Oz showed us how."

As she talked we passed the joint back and forth.

"After we had finished we ended up at the donut shop at four in the morning. Bought like five dozen donuts and then went to Giles's place. Scared the hell out of him. The five of pounding on his door that early. High and hungry. But he took it in stride. But the poor man had to call all our parents and tell them where we were."

As she stopped I reached out and tried to pull her closer to me. Her body warm and soft. She resisted and stayed where she was.

"Not yet, Spike. Still have a surprise for you."

"And what's that, love?" I asked her as my hands stroked her legs. She giggled as I tickled her behind the back of her knees. Leaning forward her lips pressed to mine. The taste of champagne lingering for me.

"In a bit." We finished smoking and turned our attention to the champagne. Between sips we kissed and touched. Our hands stroking each other. There was no hurry. It just felt good for us to be here together. When we had almost killed the bottle she pulled back and reached for the hem of her t-shirt. I stopped her and whispered to her.

"Dance for me?" Her eyes flew open in surprise at my request. Then she giggled like she had a naughty little secret. Turned and crawled over to the CD player. The music for 'Sweet Emotion' started to play. Standing slowly she turned away from me. I laid back against the pillows. Couldn't quite believe she was going to do this. Even with the alcohol and pot helping to lower her inhibitions. Her hips started to sway in time to the beat. Her hands ran up her body pulling her hair up. Then she stopped and laughed. Looking over her shoulder at me.

"Keep going, baby." I gave her encouragement. This was definitely not something that I wanted to stop. "Don't be embarrassed. Just move to the music."

Buffy started to sway again. Slowly moving her t-shirt up and over her head. It landed on my face when she threw it behind her. When I pulled it off I saw that she was wearing one of my presents. A white lace cami set. It showed off the golden tone of her skin. She turned so that she was facing me again. Moving slowly to the beat toward me. Coming down on her knees she crawled over my legs up toward my stomach. Her hands pushing my shirt up. I reached out for her and she slapped my hands away.

"No touching the dancer." She told me in mock seriousness. My stomach was soon the recipient of her lips and tongue. The chills ran through my body as her tongue dipped into my belly button. Her teeth scraped across my stomach making me moan. As her hands reached for my belt I heard a noise. Looking toward the sound I saw three vampires walking toward us. Shit. They had absolutely rotten timing. Buffy had just moved to start pulling my zipper down.

"Stop." I whispered to her capturing her hands in mine.

"What? You want me to stop?." Buffy started to sit up. My hands grabbed her shoulders and held her down.

"Vampires. Coming straight at us."

She looked in the direction that I was indicating.

"Damn it."

Keeping low she crawled off of me. Moving toward one corner of the crypt. As she passed the bag she grabbed out a couple of stakes throwing one to me. She gestured toward the other end. Letting me know that was where she wanted me to go. We both hunkered down and waited until they were between us. We jumped. They were surprised as hell. Looking back and forth between us.

"So, what are you guys doing in the cemetery in the middle of the night? Does you mother know where you are?" Buffy asked them.

"Fuck you, Slayer." The leader of the group retorted at her. She giggled at him.

"Somebody was trying to and you interrupted. That wasn't nice." She answered him. Then swung at him. He stepped back and avoided her fist.

"Yeah, you look like you were fucking." He stood there and ogled her in her half naked state. Which pissed me off.

"That is my girl you're eyeing. And I am a jealous guy." He looked back at me where my fist connected with his face pushing him back. . Then the fight was on. Soon two of them were dust. And the third was running for his undead life. We just watched him run neither of us up to a chase. Then I looked over at Buffy. Standing there in her lacy cami and her jean shorts. I started laughing. And couldn't stop.

"What are you laughing at?" She put her fists on her hips and demanded an answer. I just kept laughing until I fell on the ground. She walked over to me and gently kicked me on the arm.

"Stop laughing. Now!" Buffy wasn't sure what I was laughing at. I pointed at her and she looked down at herself. Realized what she wasn't wearing. Her face turned red.

"Exotic Slaying. You could charge for the show. Kind of like mud wrestling." Then I started laughing again. Finally she started giggling too. And came at me. I stood and backed away from her. It only antagonized her. Breaking out into a run she started to chase me. And I ran from her. We started chasing each other through the cemetery. Playing hide and seek behind the crypts and tombstones. Caught her once and tried to throw her to the ground. She squealed and yelled something about grass stains. Then started running again. We just played. Catching each other every once in awhile. Which resulted in kissing and touching.

As I came around the side of a crypt with her right behind me I almost ran into direct sunlight. The sun was coming up fast. We hadn't even noticed the change because we were so intent on our game. Turning I ran back toward our place heading for the overhang. The shade provided me with a safe haven temporarily. Cupping my hands I helped her up to the roof where she handed the stuff down to me. She threw the blanket over my head and led me into the crypt.

It was a let down to end our play. The crypt was cool and dark. Compared to the daylight that we had just run from. She was laughing as she dropped the stuff onto the couch. When she saw me she got quiet. Maybe she could read my mind. Maybe she was beginning to understand me. I don't know. But she came to me. Wrapped her arms around me. Standing on her tiptoes she kissed me gently. Turning she took my hand and led me to the lower level.

The bed was soft as we lay down together. Our bodies leaning into the others. Her hand running through my hair. Moving across my body to caress me. Pulled her closer to me. Her leg moved to lie across my hips.

"I wish we could stay like this forever." She whispered to me as her lips moved along my jaw.

"Me too, baby, me too."

Everything else in our lives could go to hell. We could fight. The rest of the world could hate us being together. But when it was just the two of us like this. Everything was right. And everything was good.

Chapter 14 - Sweet Young Thing

Know that something very strange
Is happening to my brain.
I'm either feeling very good
Or else I am insane.
The seeds of doubt you planted
Have started to grow wild
But feel that I must yield before
The wisdom of a child
And it's love you bring,
No that I can't deny,
With your wings,
I can learn to fly,
Sweet young thing.
Monkees (Gerry Goffin, Carole King, Michael Nesmith)

When the knock came on the door Buffy and I looked up at each other. It was early Sunday afternoon and we sitting on the couch together. The newspaper spread out around us. Nobody ever knocked they just walked in. I guess they figured that a vampire didn't deserve any courtesy. But it was probably because Buffy was here. She deserved manners when I didn't. Shrugging her shoulders she pulled her feet off my lap and headed for the door. It was Giles. He seemed a little nervous looking around the place.

"Hello, Buffy." He hesitated a moment then looked my way. "Spike."

I nodded a greeting to him and began to gather the newspaper in a pile. Buffy led him to the chair and offered him something to drink. He sat in the chair and declined her offer.

"Is Dawn alright?" Buffy asked when he was being hesitant about saying anything. Just sat there cleaning his glasses.

"Yes, yes, Dawn is alright. I'm sorry I didn't mean to worry you." He looked over at her. She sat on the edge of the cushion wringing her hands. A habit she had picked up lately. The first sign of her going into emotional overload. I scooted closer to her. Just enough that she could feel me there.

"What's going on?"

"Well, I heard some things. First that you were patrolling again. I was glad to hear that." Then he stopped again. He ran his hand over his face. "Buffy, this isn't easy to say. But I was told that you were…that you were patrolling in your underclothes."

Buffy turned to look at me in astonishment. Then her face turned bright red. She turned to look down. Looking at neither of us.

"It's true then?" Giles asked. His voice betrayed his confusion and pain. "Is everything alright?"

"Yes, everything is fine. And it's not like she was naked. She had shorts on and a camisole. Not like she was running around in just her knickers or something." I interrupted defending her. Giles looked over at me.

"How did you know?" Buffy looked up at him. It had only been a few hours since it had happened. And as far as we knew the only one around besides us was the vamp that got away.
Giles looked down at the floor. The conversation was apparently uncomfortable for him. This Buffy had him confused and at a loss. She just wasn't his little girl anymore.

"Angel called me this morning." We both turned to look at him. "He apparently has been having someone watch you."

Buffy stood quickly and walked away. Keeping her back toward us. She had probably been thinking the same thing as me. Last night on the roof. The drinking, the pot, the dancing, The almost sex and finally us running around like crazy. It was just us. But to someone else it would probably look bad.

"I was also told about the drinking and the other stuff." He couldn't even say it. But I knew that she would be mortified. "I'm sorry, Buffy. This just isn't you and we are worried about you."

She whirled around and walked right up to him. Her anger making her shake.

"Are you in on this? Watching me. Watching us. Did you all like the show? Maybe they should be taking videos. That would be really good, wouldn't it?"

I stood and picked up her glass of orange juice and threw it so that it shattered against the wall. They both turned to look at me. But I didn't care. Every single fucking time we got close he was there. Between us. Every time she got a little bit happy he brought her down.

Giles turned from me back to her.

"Buffy, I didn't know until he called me. He cares and he is worried about you being with Spike. Like we all are." He reached for her but she stepped back away from him.

"More like he's bloody jealous." I interrupted throwing in my opinion. He couldn't be the one in control of the girl for once and he couldn't handle it.

"He doesn't have the right to care anymore. He's the one who walked away. Left me alone. Told me to stay away from Los Angeles. It was his town. You tell him to stay away from me. And from Spike or I will dust him myself." Buffy went back to sit on the couch putting her face into her hands. I started to go to her but Giles beat me to it. He sat beside her and began to rub her back. She leaned into him and started to sob.

He turned to look at me. Questioning me in silence if she was okay.

"She was. Until you showed up. You know if you blokes would leave her alone she might actually get happy again."

"By having sex with a vampire in public? Drinking, doing drugs, running around undressed? Is that your idea of being happy?" His sarcasm was thick and dripping with contempt.

"No, it wasn't like that." She sniffed and sat up. "We were just having fun being together. Spike takes care of me."

Yeah. You tell him baby. Tell him how good I am for you and to you.

"Buffy, you need to learn to take care of yourself. You are far too old to have someone take care of you."

"Oh, is that why Angel is watching me? Because I am such a grown up." She stood up again and backed away from him.
"It's not like that. This is getting all twisted. If it was Dawn acting like that you would be having a fit."

"She's also sixteen. I'm twenty-one. And I am not running around. And by the way Mr. Proper you had sex with my mother on a police car. And you broke a window of a shop to steal something for her."

All of a sudden he started laughing. Buffy and I looked at each other then back at him.

"I'm sorry, Buffy. Look I don't agree with Angel having you watched. And I told him to stop. But when you get a call before 7:00 AM on a Sunday morning and get told what I was told, you would probably be upset too."

She nodded in agreement. "Giles, talk to me. I am right here. Maybe last night wasn't the smartest choices but I was okay."

Not the smartest choice? Maybe I was back into the disgusting category again. Who knew from one minute to the next? I sat back down and waited for my execution. I heard Giles ask Buffy to go to lunch with him to talk things over in more detail. And she agreed to go. Just great. He would have lots of time to convince her to get rid of me. She disappeared downstairs to change. Giles stood by the door and I stayed on the couch. Neither of us spoke.

A few minutes later she came back up dressed in slacks and a proper top. Nothing showing. I watched her walk across the room toward the door. Didn't say a word to me. Then she turned around and came back to me. Sat on the table in front of me. I was leaning my arms on my knees with my head down. Her hand came under my chin and brought my head up so that I was looking at her.

"I'll be back. I promise." I just nodded my head. The tears were fighting to spill and I was fighting them not to. She sighed because she knew I didn't believe her.

"You don't believe me?"

I looked up at her and shook my head. There was no intention at manipulation. Just my damn insecurity. The whole Angel thing again. The fact she didn't love me. I closed my eyes as a tear got away and started to slide down my face. She leaned over to me and kissed me softly.

"We'll talk later."

She stood and left with Giles. I just sat there running everything over in my head. He would talk to her and convince her to leave me. Bloody hell.

"Spike?"

I looked up and saw Dawn standing inside the door with Janice. Janice and I had met over the summer when I was spending so much time at the house.

"What are you doing here, Nibblet? Looking to get into trouble again?" Then I realized she was supposed to be grounded this weekend. "Did you sneak out of the house?"

She laughed and Janice giggled. Just what I needed to put up with was teenage girls.

"To see you. No. And No. I talked Giles into letting me go to the mall today." She then strutted into my living room with her friend right behind her. Wonderful. Another Summers female thinking she was a bad ass.

"Well, the last time I looked around this wasn't the mall. So, why don't you and your little friend go about your business? Before we all get into trouble."

They just came in and plopped themselves on the couch.

"Do you have any soda?" Dawn asked me looking around.

"No. But Buffy does. Why don't you wait until she and Giles get back and ask her yourself?" I sat in my chair as she took that as consent for her to help herself. Dawn walked over to the refrigerator and grabbed two sodas.

"We brought a Monopoly game with us. Dawn says you like to play." Janice was looking at me with her eyebrows raised. Then she reached out to take the soda Dawn was holding out for her.

"No, I tolerated the game because she likes to play." Which was actually a lie. I had tolerated it at first but the game gave a thrill of power that I liked.

"Come on, Spike. Let us stay. We'll leave before they get back. I promise." Dawn gave me this wide-eyed innocent look that Buffy used sometimes. One I couldn't resist. She knew she had me because she squealed and broke out with a huge smile.

"Fine. Get it set up." My hide was probably gone so may as well go the whole way. And I had missed the girl while I was gone.

Just as we were sitting down Clem walked through the door.

"I brought hot wings and snacks." He hesitated as he saw the two girls. And then looked at me. I knew he was thinking that I was just a little too human these days.

"Come on in, mate. We are just getting ready to play Monopoly. Why don't you join us?" My sarcasm was getting as thick as Giles' was.

"Quit being mean, Spike. We just wanted to see you." Dawn tried to defend her being here.

"And to do something naughty. Give yourself a thrill on how bad you are." I retorted to her. She raised her eyebrows at me.

"And I thought we had already established that I was badder than you." She smiled that innocent smile. Her words reminding me of the time I had helped her break into the Magic Box.

"Oh, of course the little girl is absolutely evil." I turned to Janice with my eyebrows moving up and down. "She will lead you down the path of ruin. Run while you have a chance."

I had to give Clem credit because even through the comments being thrown around he came and sat down anyway. We started to choose who would do what. Clem offered to be the banker but I said no. He cheated at poker. Janice ended up being banker and the real estate person. The girl liked to have control. Dawn insisted that I be the guy on the horse. Said it was the closest to a motorcycle. Over the next few hours we played. Each of us taking a turn at having the most money. Dawn pouted when I wouldn't give her a break on rent and she had to mortgage some property.

As she was doing a running monologue on the unfairness of it and that I didn't love her any longer Giles and Buffy walked in.

"Dawn." They both said in unison.

"Shit." Dawn and Janice said in unison under their breaths.

The two girls stood up and faced Giles. Who did his typical response to unpleasant situations he pulled his glasses off and cleaned them.

"Giles, I'm sorry. I just wanted to spend time with Spike. We've been good. All we did was play a game." She tried the 'look' on him. Which didn't work.

"That's not the point. You promised that you would behave and you did the most irresponsible thing possible." He told her pointedly.

"Like the old bat is going to be traipsing through a cemetery to check up on me." We all gave her a stern look at her disrespect. "Well, I'm sorry she is. Did you talk to Buffy about my plan?" She looked from Giles to Buffy.

"What plan?" Buffy turned to Giles and asked.

"No, not yet, Dawn. It's just not a good idea." He gave her a look to tell her to be quiet. But Dawn was never one for following orders.

"It is a good idea. If you adopt me then the social worker would be off of our backs and I could see Buffy and Spike whenever I wanted." She took a deep breath after she had finished.

"Adopt you?" Buffy looked from one to the other.

"Nibblet, I don't think…" I started to offer my opinion as Buffy's face went pale.

"We don't need your opinion, Spike." Giles interrupted me.

"Yes, we do." Buffy said in an unwavering voice.

Everybody in the room turned to look at her. And waited for her to continue.

"He's been a part of our lives for two years. He has given as much as everybody else. In some ways more. He loves me and Dawn. And I.." She looked up at me. Her eyes meeting mine. "I need him. So, whatever decisions are made concerning this family he will be included."

"Yes." Dawn shouted. Janice and Clem just stared at the crazy people. Giles just looked from one of us to the other. Buffy turned back to Giles.

"As we talked today one thing became clear to me. I need him. I'm sorry if this upsets you, Giles. I don't mean to because you are the closest thing I have to a father now." She stopped and waited for him to respond.

"This is all great but what about my idea." Dawn tried to pull the attention back to her.

"Not now, Dawn. You and Janice go wait in the car. Now." He added the last because they hesitated to move. But finally they did. "Buffy, I don't know what to say."

"That you will respect my decision."

Giles wiped his hand over his mouth.

"Buffy, I don't know what to say. I thought things would go differently after this afternoon. But I guess I am wrong. You are the one that has to live with your decisions. Just know that as long as you are living here with him you won't get Dawn back." And with that he turned and left. Buffy closed the door behind him.

I was in shock. Just stood there not saying or doing anything. She came to me and wrapped her arms around me. Burying her face in my shoulder. I hugged her back turning us in circles. The elation was finally coursing through me. Even if she hadn't said the words she had made a stand in front of Giles and Dawn. She wasn't going to leave me!

Buffy tapped me on the shoulder and I pulled back from her. She pointed at Clem.

"Buffy, you remember Clem, don't you? From the poker game right before I left."

"Oh, yeah. Hi, Clem."

When he was going to leave Buffy told him to stay. That he didn't have to leave on her account. We picked up the game and put everything away. I went to the television and tried to find something to watch. Nothing was coming in.

"That does it. Is it dark yet?" Buffy stood and made her way to the door. When she saw that the sun was setting she told me and Clem to come on.

"Where we going, pet?"

"To go rent movies."

"Ummm, no VCR."

"Are you going to stand there all night shooting down my every idea? Or are we going to go scare up some entertainment?"

Clem and I looked at each other and shrugged our shoulders. Then we followed her out. In Sunnydale there are certain establishments that demons are welcomed. We stopped first at a video rental place that Clem had a membership. He and I picked out a movie about amateur car racing. She picked out a romantic comedy. Clem looked at me in apprehension but I promised we would watch her movie last. As we were checking out Buffy and Clem loaded up on snacks. Popcorn, chocolate, gummy bears and lollipops. I reminded Buffy that we didn't have a microwave either she just raised an eyebrow at me and called me a party pooper. After we left there we headed for a pawnshop where we bought a VCR and microwave. Walking home we looked like looters or something. What with Clem carrying the VCR, me carrying the microwave and Buffy carrying the bags.

Once we reached the crypt Clem and I got the VCR hooked up while Buffy started popping corn. After the snacks were passed around we settled down to watch the movies. Clem was excited because I gave up my chair to him. But that was because I wanted to cuddle with Buffy on the couch. I thought she would hate the movie we picked out. But she rambled on about who cute the guys were and how much she liked the cars. I finally shut her up with a kiss. Then told her to watch the movie. When it was over Clem feigned tiredness to get out of watching her movie. We just laughed at him because we knew what he was up to.

As soon as he left I backed Buffy up to the door. Reaching down I grabbed her legs so she would wrap them around me. She looked at me in surprise but before she could ask what was up. I kissed her. Possessively. With all the love I had for her.

"Did you mean what you said? About needing me and the family bit?" If she said no I would probably kill her. I had been waiting all night to ask her. And my nerves were pulled as tight as they could go.

Her hands held my face. Then her voice soft and filled with emotion whispered one word that made me want to explode with happiness.

"Yes."

Chapter 15 - I'll Stand By You
Oh, Why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
'Cause I've seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
The Pretenders

Buffy's hands moved across my back. Kneading. Massaging. Stroking. Working across muscles and flesh. Her legs spread on either side of my ass. Her long golden hair tickled my skin. I lay languid beneath her ministrations. There was no want or need. No fear or doubt. She was mine by her own word. She bent closer to me. Her tongue follows the path between my shoulder blades. Knowing this sends chills through my body. Her hands move to my shoulders and neck. Sliding further along me. I can feel the curls of her sex feather across my lower back. She makes no sound as she sends me on a trip through heaven. Finally unable to stand anymore I turn beneath her. A smile crosses her face as I take her by the hips. Leading her down to me. As soft as a whisper she lowers herself on to my hard need. Taking me into her heat. Slowly. Letting the warmth encompass me as I begin to tremble from the emotions she gives me.

Her fingers entwine with mine as she lowers herself to lie on my chest. Listening for a heartbeat that wasn't there. Our arms stretch out across the bed. Slowly she lifts each leg laying them on mine. Her feet resting against mine. Pushing against them she begins to rock us. Our flesh rubbing together creates such sweet friction. Her sighs echoed mine. My hands move from hers to caress the valleys of her back and bottom. One hand moves to run through the soft silkiness of her hair. Her hands moved down my sides to grip my hips. Giving her more leverage to move against me. The entire world had disappeared giving way to the power of our joining. I whisper to her of my love. She gently kisses my chest. The tip of her tongue encircles my nipple. Nipping at it. Then sucking at it like a baby. I arch up into her mouth. I need more than she is giving me. Reaching down I pulled her legs up so she was straddling me.

She sat up and grinds down onto me taking me as far into her as possible. Throwing her head back as a groan rips through her. I brought my knees up so that I can push up with my feet. So, I can push deeper into her sweetness. She begins to move against me. I bring my hands to hers again. Holding on she leans forward on them. We began to move faster pushing for more sensation. She closes her eyes as she begins to shudder in her climax. I watch the pleasure play across her features. Then her eyes open to meet mine as she begins to squeeze me. Sliding slowly against me. A wicked grin crosses her face and she bends down. Her face nuzzling my neck. Then as I strive for release she bites into my neck. Breaking the skin sending me screaming into my own orgasm. I shudder releasing my seed into her waiting depths. I feel like I am falling through space as she cuddles against me.

Before I am fully able to recover she pulls away and crawls from our bed. It is Tuesday and Xander will be here within the hour to pick her. I watch as she gathers her schoolgirl outfit and heads for the bathroom. Buffy doesn't even look my way as she leaves the room. I had been woken up by her kisses and a request for me to make her feel good. Her requests were my demands. Whatever I could to make her happy. Anything to keep her close to me.

There was only a quick kiss and a hurried good-by before she left with Xander. It was time to get up and face the day. I took a quick shower and after pulling on a pair of jeans I headed upstairs. As I came to the top level I saw Giles sitting on the couch. He watched as I walked by him and went to get my morning blood. I popped the mug into the new microwave to warm it up. After it was ready I went to sit in my chair.

"She's not here. Therefore there is no reason for you to be." I told him without looking at him. As far as I was concerned he could stay away permanently. I sure as hell didn't want to listen to him list all the reasons that Buffy and I shouldn't be together.

"We need to talk, Spike."

"No, you feel a need to tell me why Buffy shouldn't be here. And I don't want to listen."

But he felt that I should listen anyway. He sighed and leaned forward.

"I tried to talk to Buffy yesterday. And the glutton for punishment that I am I will try to talk to you today."

I snorted and then laughed. Typical. Spike gets the lecture.

"After I got home last night I tried to see the good in this relationship. And I can't find it. I realize that Buffy thinks she needs you. And that you think you love her."

"What do you mean think? I do love her. I grieved as much as the rest of you when she died. Not that the sodding lot of you noticed." Why couldn't these idiots realize that Buffy was my heart? My reason for being.

"All right, you love her." He told me patronizing me with his words. "But Spike if you love her then do the right thing. Let her go."

"And you think that by me leaving her or kicking her out that she is going to suddenly be happy again. She has lost a lot of people and has had to deal with a lot of hurt. So, gee, let's take away one more person. That will do her a lot of bloody good." I turned to look at him finally. His eyes met mine.

"You are not a person. You are a soulless vampire. She is a human girl. What can you offer her? Not marriage. Not children. Not security. She is living in a fucking crypt because of you. Doing god knows what to her body. The drinking. The drugs." He stood as his temper began to take control. I stood to meet him face on. He was a father desperate in his need to protect his daughter. Typical in the fact that he couldn't face her being a sexual being or able to make her own decisions.

"I love her. I take care of her. I am here for her. And that is more than you. You took everything away from her after setting impossible standards for her to live up to." I shouted at him.

"She is dependent on you. It's not love. And you are a fool if you think it is." His voice was as loud as mine. He turned to sit again. But his words had found their mark.

"I wouldn't hurt her. And maybe she doesn't love me now. But she will. Damn it she will. And she's a Slayer. She's not like other women. We'll find a way." I sat down as I started to sob. Hating that he would see that side of me. "I won't lose her again. She wants to be with me."
All of a sudden I felt a hand on the back of my head. Then it moved to rest on my shoulder. Squeezing it in a comforting gesture. I looked up at him in surprise.

"I know, Spike. I know."

He moved his hand and sat back again leaning his head against the back of the couch.

"I've tried to make this your fault. She has had problems since they brought her back. They messed with magicks that should never have been touched." He stopped to look at me. "Don't get me wrong I'm glad that she is back. But she hasn't been able to cope since. And when you left she fell apart completely."

I lit a cigarette and offered him one. Surprising me when he did. After he took a deep drag he continued.

"Ever since last year she has become more dependent on you. But I've seen the relationship developing ever since you got the chip though. Believe me I hate it. I want only the best for her."

"And you don't think it's me."

"When you first got chipped I used to think there may have a been a higher purpose to it all. But you weren't interested in anything but Buffy." He paused and flicked his ashes into the tray on the table. "You have no interest in changing. You're content to remain as you are."

"Then you weren't paying as much attention as you should have, Watcher."

He looked at me questioningly but I didn't elaborate. If he didn't want to know before why should he now? He rose after putting his cigarette out.

"Spike, think about it. Think about her. If you want to talk more let me know. Okay?" He looked down at me waiting for some response. I shrugged my shoulders.

"When you accept that I will always be in Buffy's future call me."

He turned and left. For some reason I felt that we had almost reached a truce. I understood what he was saying. But things weren't always going to be like this. Things would change when she was stronger. Until then I could handle her. After living with Dru's insanity for a century I could certainly cope with Buffy's mood swings.

When she came back through the door I could feel the tension radiating through her. Without a word she headed straight away to fix a drink. I watched as she drained half the glass in one gulp then refilled it. I immediately tensed up waiting for which direction this was going to head. Would she turn to me for comfort? Or would I be the enemy? I relaxed as she came to sit beside me on the couch. Leaning into me. I kissed her head resting on my shoulder.

"Bad visit?" Buffy nodded sitting up so that she could take another drink. I took the cup from her and put it on the table. It wouldn't be good for her to go to work that night drunk. Then I asked her if she wanted to talk about it.

"Later, okay? I'm going to go and take a nap before I have to get ready for work. Come with me?" I took the hand she offered and followed her down. Did she really want to sleep for a while or was she looking for more sex? Either one was okay with me. But it was sleep that she wanted. She slept holding onto me. I just held her while she drifted off. Finally I followed her in to oblivion.

Unfortunately, neither of us thought to set the alarm. And we overslept. By the time we woke she had less than hour to get to work. It was one of those times the more you hurry the more goes wrong. She smeared eyeliner across her cheek. A button popped on the shorts she was going to wear. She ripped them off of her. By the time that her hair wouldn't stay the way she wanted she was furious. Everything on the dresser got swept onto the floor. She gave up and left her hair down. I followed her as quietly as I could. Didn't say a damn word to her as she was hurrying around. Finally she was ready with ten minutes to get to work. I drove as fast as I could almost laying the bike down going around the curves. We were lucky I was able to keep control. She was still five minutes late and pissed about that too. Buffy ran into The Edge without a good-bye. It was fine. A good time to be invisible guy.

After I left her I ended up going to visit Anya at the Magic Box. Yeah, I know it was a really stupid thing to do. But Clem was busy and I just wanted to be somewhere I could relax. Nothing happened. Even though it sometimes crossed my mind I wasn't that stupid yet. We ended leaving the shop after she closed it down and going to the coffee place down the street. She told me about her and Xander's date over the weekend. He was trying to be there for her. I had to give him that at least. And she seemed to be happy that they were working it out. Nothing special happened. Just talk. I took her home again and left to get Buffy. There was time to kill so I went in.

I didn't try to talk to her or anything. Just kept myself at the bar waiting. But she noticed me sitting there and came over to me. She had a beer in one hand that she was taking to a customer. She told me hello, then her eyes went into slits as she smelled Anya on me again. The beer ended up all over me.

"You fucking bastard." She snarled at me before she walked off. Arnie was laughing his head off as he handed me some paper towels.

"Man, if you're going to screw around on her at least go home and change before picking her up."
I looked at Arnie like he was crazy. Then I turned my attention to getting some of the beer off of me.

"I'm not cheating on her."

"Yeah, that's what they all say."

Throwing my head back in frustration. Why couldn't things just stay calm for a while? It was constantly back and forth. Extremes. There didn't seem to be happy middle. Not for us anyway. The ride home was made in silence. When we got home she announced she was going to take a bath and walked off. I went to get out of the clothes that I was wearing. Then I remembered I had taken the towels out of the bathroom that afternoon. She would need more.

There was no sound coming from the bathroom. No water running. I made it all the way to the door before she heard me. Her eyes looked up at me in fear. I looked down and felt that fear snake through my belly. She was sitting naked on the toilet seat. Her legs spread and a knife in her hand. There was a series of small cuts on the inside of her upper thighs. Where they wouldn't show when she was wearing shorts. From time to time I had noticed scratches and cuts on her. Even with what had happened the other night I didn't think anything of it.

"Buffy?" I stepped into the bathroom holding my hand out for the knife. She dutifully laid it in my palm. She put her arms in front of her and turned her head away from me. I slid down the wall to sit with my legs in front of me. "What's going on, baby?"

Her body heaved with a sob.

"It hurts, Spike. All the time. Inside. It won't stop." She turned to me with haunted eyes. It was almost worse than before. "I just want it to stop."

"Does this help?" I gestured toward her cuts.

"Yes. It makes it stop for a little while. I can be in control again. Don't hate me too. Please?" My eyes met hers in surprise. How could she think that? I held my arms out to her. She came to me wrapping her arms around my neck. Her legs straddling me. I held her while cried. Stroking her. She pulled back and began to kiss me. Quickly. Her tongue demanding attention. Buffy scooted back. Her hands undoing my belt and pants. Then stroking me until I was ready for her. It was like I wasn't even there.

"This takes the pain away too."

Her eyes closed me as she sank down on me. They stayed closed even when she took my hand and put it between her legs. I stroked her clit the way I knew she liked it. After she came she finally looked at me.

"What can I do?" Well, at least she had noticed that I hadn't been a participant. I shook my head and started to move away from her.

"Take your bath, Buffy." She stood and began to run the water.

"Stay with me."

I stayed. Like I promised. Unconditional. Doing whatever to try to make her happy again. Even when I realized that sex with me was like the cutting. A way to stop the pain. Even if for a little while. A way to escape without dealing. Yes, she needed me. Even making me a part of the family was a symptom. If I was involved in the decisions. Then she could let me make them. Another way to avoid. Everything she had done since I had left was her way of running away.

I hated to say it. But Giles was right. It wasn't love.

After the bath was full we lay in the warm water. With Buffy lying between my legs nestled against my chest. My arms resting on the sides of the tub while she washed herself and what she could reach of me. I kept my eyes closed leaning my head against the wall.

"I'm sorry, Spike." She turned her head to see me. "I know you didn't do anything with Anya." She rubbed her nose against the side of my jaw. She was so soft and warm. The steam dampening the hair around her face. "And for the other." She nipped me. When I didn't respond to her she turned and leaned against me again. My hands were soon entwined with hers.

"You hurt me, Buffy. I'm trying so hard to love you. To make you happy." I laid my cheek against her hair. Wanting to get lost somehow.

"I know you do." She pulled forward away from me. Bringing her knees up and wrapping her arms around her legs. "I want to be happy. But I can't remember how. I can't remember even a time that I was really happy. The closest I have come is being here with you."

Leaning forward I wrapped my arms around her middle and pulled her back against me. She started to talk to me. How Dawn was pushing for the adoption. That it made her feel even more like a failure. About how Giles yesterday kept bringing up her duties. How Xander made her feel like a whore for being with me. About how she was jealous of Anya. Even though her world had fallen apart she was still able to be strong. How she missed being in college. That she still missed her mom. Why did everyone leave her? That no one could see inside of her. See the darkness and still love her.

Everything just poured out of her. We stayed in the bath till the water was cold. Until she had let everything out. We dried each other off and made our way upstairs. We lay in the bed facing each other. She told me how she was so cold inside. About how she missed the place she had been.

I just listened to her. Telling her that I would help her anyway I could. That I would never leave her alone. I watched her finally go to sleep. Waited until she sought me out in her slumber. I held her close as for the first time since I was a man that I prayed. To who or to what I didn't know. Did the forces of good even listen to a vampire? I tried anyway for her.

________________________________________

Authors Note: For those who have feared that there would be more angst to this story, I apologize. This story has changed quite a bit since in its first inception. It is actually lighter than it was originally planned. But the story is of Buffy dealing with the depression of coming back. And Spike dealing with the choice of good and evil. For the two of them to resolve these issues there must be some struggle and pain. But remember that ultimately this is a love story.

Chapter 16 - Bleed to Love Her

Once again she steals away
Then she reaches out to kiss me
And how she takes my breath away
Pretending that she won't miss me
And once again she calls to me
Then she vanishes in thin air
And how she takes my breath away
Pretending that she's not there
Somebody's got to see this through
All the world is laughing at you
Somebody's got to sacrifice
If this whole thing's going to turn out right
Oohh I would bleed to love her
Bleed to love her
Fleetwood Mac

Buffy became more pensive after that day. Sometimes she would talk about getting Dawn back. Making plans about getting a different job. Getting an apartment for the three of us to live in. But when I gently told her that I couldn't live with them. The state would never allow it. She panicked and said that it would get worked out. But her talk never came to fruition. It withered and died as she went through her daily routines. She had almost lost that shield that she had worn when I first came back. Her defiance was disappearing. Buffy was vulnerable and almost defenseless. Lost on the whims of her emotions. It hurt so much to watch her at times.

We went out patrolling a couple of nights later right after she had gotten off of work. There was an air of apprehension surrounding us. This was no random looking for vampires or demons. She was on the hunt. As we wandered closer to the bars and establishments that catered to demons I tried to get her to turn back. She looked at me and told me if I was scared to go home. I followed her right into a nest of demons. They were out of towners. Probably here to hook up with other unsavory characters and start trouble. We took to fighting. But we were outnumbered five to two. Buffy killed one as soon as we walked in. His back had been to us and she just went for it. After I had taken one out I turned to check on Buffy. My heart froze as I saw her being thrown to the ground by one. His claws reached out and ripped her belly. There was no decision I just flew across the room vamping out on the way. My growl echoed around the room as I grabbed him before he could swing at her again. I didn't just break his neck. I ripped his head right off his body. Flinging it across the room. The last two standing took one look at my rage and ran.

Buffy lay so still. Her breathing was shallow as the blood poured from her wounds. After pulling my duster off I took my t-shirt off and pressed it to the worst of the lot. She opened her eyes and as I looked into the green depths I knew.

"Don't you dare leave me again." I choked out to her.

She just closed her eyes again. This was what she had been looking for. A fight she couldn't win. I gathered her to me and carried her home. After I had cleaned her up as much as I could. Ebbing the flow of blood. She was still so pale. I called Tara explained everything quickly and asked her for help.

"Spike?" Buffy reached out and laid a cold hand on my arm.

"Yeah, love?"

"Thirsty."

Bringing back a glass of water for her I helped her to take a few sips. I held her hand until Tara came. But she had brought help. Right behind her was Willow and Giles. There was a questioning look in their eyes when they still saw me in vampire mode. The smell of blood was everywhere and the demon was demanding to feed. Only by intense concentration was I able to focus on anything besides the blood lust.

After they had discerned what kind of demon had hurt her. They sent me to the Magic Box to get some herbs. Once I was back with their requests they made a salve to put on her wounds.

"She'll be better by morning." Tara told me gently. She placed her hand on my forearm and squeezed. Trying to reassure me that everything was going to be okay. I nodded at her. After Buffy had gone to sleep we went upstairs.

"What happened?" Giles asked me worriedly.

"We were outnumbered." I said simply. Left out the part of Buffy jumping in without thought. Or the fact I knew that this was what she was looking for.

"Then why in, bloody hell, did you let her go in?"

I looked at him with such sadness. I wanted to run to him and tell him he was right. Buffy needed more than me. But I didn't.

"Spike, are you okay?"

It was Willow that asked.

"Yeah." I didn't realize it but I was trembling. My whole body was shaking from the aftermath of almost failing Buffy again.

I looked up at Giles.

"Buffy doesn't listen to me as much as you think. It was a mistake."

"A mistake that almost cost her life again." He reminded me pushing the knife deeper into my heart.

"Were you all drinking or something else before you went out there?" He apparently thought we were totally irresponsible. And I felt like a sixteen-year-old boy being interrogated by his girlfriend's father.

"No, sir." My sarcasm came out almost like a whimper. Suddenly needing to sit I went to the couch. Sinking on its leathered surface before my legs gave out. "We just went patrolling and misjudged the situation. As much as you think that I am trying to hurt her I would die first."

The three of them looked at each other. Then back at me.

"Spike, I don't think you are intentionally trying to hurt her. If I thought that you would be dust by now. Being who you are I don't think you can help it though."

He took a deep breath and then sighed. Looking at the girls he said it was time to go. Tara gave me some last instructions for dealing with the wounds. I nodded that I understood and watched them leave.

For the rest of the night I watched her. Checking for a fever or other signs of infection. Finally I fell asleep with my hand clasped in hers.

The next night she insisted on going to work. The rips on her stomach had developed scar tissue. For the first time she had to wear a shirt that covered her stomach to work. After she was ready I pulled her to me lifting the hem of her shirt. Gently I ran my finger over her belly. Kissing her softly on an unaffected area.

"You could have died, pet." It was stating the obvious but I was hoping that maybe it would open something up. Buffy started running her fingers through my hair.

"But I didn't. It's okay now. Everything's alright." She crooned to me. I stood up still holding onto her waist. Her hands linked behind my neck.

"Is it?" I asked her.

"It will be. As long as you're here."

We just stood and held each other for a few minutes. Giving each other comfort. I pulled back and kissed her forehead. It was time to leave to take her to work.

I hesitated before knocking on the door. The odds were pretty good that I would be blowing in the wind in a few moments but I was willing to take a chance. Taking an unneeded deep breath I finally laid my knuckles on the wood.

"You are either very brave or very stupid for coming here." Xander said after he opened the door and found me standing there.

"Just trying to do my civic duty." I answered him ready to take flight at the first sign of a stake.

"You? Civic duty? I guess stupid it is." He took a step toward me. And as I backed away I told him I was here because of Buffy.

"What did you do to her now? I heard how you almost got her killed."

"Not my choice, mate. But I'm glad you know one version of the truth from the other night."

He had stopped and I guess he was waiting for an explanation.

"Look those demons weren't from around here. They came here for a reason and two of them got away. I plan on looking for them. You coming? Or are you going to stay?" I was telling him the truth. And even as bad as an idea as this looked, a little back up might come in handy. As he hesitated I raised an eyebrow at him. Just to let him know I didn't have all day.

"I'm in." He grabbed his jacket and we were off. The first stop was Willie's. Everyone stopped and looked at us as we came in. I headed straight for the bar. Willie turned and tried to make it to the back room. But we were on his heels. Xander impressed me as he took him by the throat and put him against the wall while I asked the questions. Of course at first he didn't say anything. But with a little persuasion he told us the demons had come to Sunnydale at the request of some humans. He swore he didn't know who they were. Xander looked at me and I told him to let him go. Willie had told us all he could.

As we left Xander and I started talking about who might have hired them. After a few ideas were thrown back and forth we figured it was probably whoever had been torturing Buffy when she had first come back. They hadn't shown their face in awhile. When Buffy had taken time off from Slayer duties they must have figured she wasn't a threat. But now that she was back in action they wanted her out of the way.

We started looking for Clem. He probably knew more than he told me the other night. We caught up with him at his place. After I told him the whole story he reluctantly told me about three guys who had been stirring up trouble. He said they had taken up residence in an old abandoned shop near where Buffy and I had found the demons.

The place looked deserted from the outside. We broke in through the roof lowering ourselves to the floor. There was nothing in the main area except dust. But we hit the mother load in the back room. Somebody had obviously been living there. There were couches. And desks set up with computers and other technical shit. But there were also a lot of magic supplies lying around too.

"Spike, look at this baby." Xander was holding the diamond that had been stolen from the museum. It had been lying next to some kind of gun on one of the worktables.

"This would give us a little trip to easy street." I took it from his hand and held it up to the light. Watching it sparkle.

"Now, what do we do?" He asked me as I handed it back to him.

"We call the police." I turned to start making my way out. "By the way if I was you I would wipe my fingerprints off of that." He frantically started to do just that. Holding it by his shirttail he laid it back on the table. I just laughed at him. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything and let him get arrested for being an accessory. Nah, too easy and Buffy would never forgive me.

As he followed me up on the roof again he asked why call the police. Why didn't we just take care of them ourselves? I turned to look at him patiently.

"Because they're human. I can't touch them. And you can't take the law into your own hands without going to jail yourself."

I led the way across the street and took up a spot on top of a warehouse across the street. We waited there until they returned. My eyes flew open with surprise as I saw the guy who had built the Buffy bot go into the alley with two other guys.

"It's Jonathan." Xander exclaimed pointing to the smallest guy.

"Who?" I had no clue who that was.

"We went to school with him." He explained.

But by that time I was dialing 911 on the cell phone. After giving them a story and telling them to hurry. Xander and I sat back to watch the show. The cops came. The equipment was hauled away and the three were arrested. It was great. Easiest fight of evil I had ever done. Didn't even have to lay a hand on them.

There was still the issue of the demons to deal with. We headed back to Willie's. I walked in the door and made an announcement. That the humans were arrested and that any demon associated with them would be killed. As I was talking a couple of demons started to make their way out the back door. Satisfied that anyone involved would be leaving town shortly. I turned to leave. As Xander and I parted ways he gave me a little warning of his own.

"Look, this does not make everything okay. Just so you know I still don't like what's going on." Then he turned and walked off. I watched his departing back for a minute then called out a thanks for the help. He just raised his hand and waved. Never looking back. It was okay though. Even working with him again was like a step back to the way it used to be. Like the universe was realigning itself to the way it should be. Even his insults and warning was comfortable. Just normal behavior for Xander.

When I told Buffy about it that night. She looked at me like I had totally gone around the bend.

"You and Xander went patrolling? Together? And you caught who?"

So, I told her the story again. I don't think she believed everything till she watched in on the news the next day. As we watching the news report she just kept looking from me to the screen.

"What, pet?" As she looked at me again.

"You went to Xander and the two of you figured this out?"

"Yeah, is something wrong with that?" I sure as hell didn't see anything in it. It was just taking care of business. Taking care of her.

She came to sit in my lap wrapping her arms around me.

"I'm proud of you that's all." Then she kissed me on the cheek. It made me feel weird inside. Her being proud of me. I guess there is a first time for everything.

Chapter 17 - Time After Time

If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after Time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after Time
Cyndi Lauper

We hadn't made love since that night in the bathroom. She hadn't approached me and I hadn't approached her. Realizing that you are about as useful as a vibrator does something to a guy's ego. In a lot a way I knew I was more than that even if she didn't. It was the whole package really. But still I was a way to stop the pain. It wasn't that she loved Spike touching her. It was what Spike did to her that she loved. And if I am honest with myself I know that there were times when it was more. Where her touch was different. Times her kisses were almost loving. Those things I clung to. Because I also knew as long as I was here she wasn't going anywhere. At least until she decided she didn't need me anymore. That she was as strong as everyone told her she was.

It was early on a Friday morning when I woke to the smell of blood. Faint but undeniable the sweet coppery smell of blood was in the air. I opened my eyes and sniffed. Just to make sure. Buffy was asleep on her back beside me. The scent was coming from her. The first thought that crossed my mind was that somehow the wounds on her stomach had reopened. I pulled back the sheet to look. But her stomach was fine. Then I saw it the small bead of moisture perched on her curls. I dropped back down onto the bed with a groan. Buffy had started her period. I lay there for a while debating. Kept telling myself to wake her up or to go upstairs. But I hadn't been with her for a while so I gave in. The temptation was too great.

I moved to the end of the bed and came back up between her legs. Separating them so I could lie between them. I looked up to make sure she was still asleep. The last time I had woken her up in a sexual situation I had been bitch slapped. She snored softly and shifted. Opening her legs even more for me. Finally the scent teasing my nostrils told me to just go for it. It took just a moment or two for Buffy to wake up.

"Spike? Oh, God, Spike." She groaned and tilted her hips bringing them closer to me. Then I guess it dawned on her that she had started because she sat up and pulled away from me.

"Stop. Oh, my God, that is so gross!" She pulled the sheet back over her. I pulled myself up until I was kneeling on the end of the bed.

"It is not gross. I'm a vampire and it's blood. And it's not like you've complained before when I've gone down on you." My defense was totally logical to me.

Buffy sat and looked at me. Didn't say another word. But what I said was running through her head. I advanced on her again. Took her ankles in my hands and pulled her down again. Crawled back between them. She didn't protest again. Being a vampire has definite advantages. I didn't have to come up for air. It wasn't until almost an hour later that she finally pushed me off of her. Buffy took off to take a shower and left me lying on the bed with a goofy grin on my face. I had found nirvana. Sex and blood. Two of my favorite things all wrapped up in a pretty little package called Buffy Summers.

But somebody still wanted to be taken care of. So, I followed Buffy up to the shower. As I walked down the hallway I started to call to her.

"Slayer, little Slayer, where are you? Buffy, Buffy, come out, come out wherever you are." I was calling to her like you would a loved pet. As I walked into the bathroom she peeked out from behind the shower curtain.

"You okay, Spike?' She asked me with a seductive smile on her face.

"Did you know that Slayer blood is an aphrodisiac?" I kept walking closer to her.

"And did you know that you are full of it?" She started to pull the curtain around her again but I grabbed the edge and started to climb in with her.

"I'm not but you will be in just a second." I whispered in her ear as I pulled her to me. She gave a little yelp as I lifted her to the wall. The she started to giggle as I nuzzled her neck.

"I've missed you touching me. I've missed this so much." She groaned as my mouth settled on her nipple. Her fingernails dug into my back. And we slipped back together. It didn't matter why. I just wanted to be with her.

Eventually we made it back to our bed. She lay on her stomach with her face turned toward me. Her hand rested on my stomach as I lay on my back smoking. She lazily traced trails across my flesh with her fingernails. Her breath was soft and easy as she slipped between sleep and wakefulness.

"I don't think I have ever felt so good before in my life." She whispered to me. If it weren't for my sensitive hearing I wouldn't have heard her at all. Smiling I brushed her hair back off her face.

"Thank you, pet."

She giggled and moved closer to me laying her head where her hand once was. Her hand moved down to rest on my thigh.

"You ready for more?" I asked her flirtatiously as I put my cigarette out.

"Mmm, just hold me right now. I love it when I am in your arms." She shifted closer to me as I slid down to hold her.

I woke a while later to Buffy talking on the phone. She must have been talking to one of the gang because she was telling them that she would meet them later and that she would check with Willow when she called back. I laid a hand on her back to let her know that I was awake. After saying goodbye she turned to kiss me.

"Do you want to go out tonight?" She was leaning on one elbow and running her fingers down my arm. Slowly tickling me in the process. My skin developed goose bumps in her wake.

"Don't you have to work?" It was Friday and she normally worked the weekends.

"I don't have to work tonight or tomorrow night." She turned away from me and then said in one breath. "I'm working a private party on Sunday.'

"You're working a what?" I was fully awake now. A private party did not sound good. She tried to get off the bed but I was holding onto her hand.

"Spike, I'm working a private party. It's no big deal. Really."

"If it's not a big deal why didn't you tell me before?"

"Because I knew you would react like this. You don't like me working at The Edge as it is." She turned back to me. "It's just some animal lodge thing. Once a month they rent out the bar during the afternoon and have this lunch thing."

"And what exactly do you have to do during this party?" My voice came out low and guttural. Buffy was right I didn't like the sound of this at all. If she had to do anything besides serve them food and drink I would tie her to the bed before I let her leave.

She rolled her eyes at my question.

"First of all it's my decision what I do. And I am going to do this party." It's like she was reading my mind and didn't like what I thinking at all. "I can make more money in one afternoon than I can all weekend. And all I have to do is serve."

"That's it?" But it didn't make sense for her to make that much money from one party of drunken middle class working stiffs then from the usual customers at the bar.

"Yeah, just serve. I make a flat rate from the lodge itself. Then whatever tips they give me. So, quit acting jealous and relax." She leaned over laying a hand on my chest and gently nipped my earlobe. Just as I went to kiss her the cell phone rang.

She picked it up. It was Willow calling her back. After a few brief words she looked up at me.

"So, do you want to go out with the gang tonight?" Buffy looked at me with that look. Pleading and innocent. I just nodded my head at her. Didn't know how this was going to turn out but was willing to give it a shot for her. This was the first time in a while that they were all planning on meeting up together. And It would be good for her to get closer to her friends again. And in a way this was what I had wanted for a while now. To be a part of them. With Buffy by my side.

When we got there the others were already there. Just hanging out and talking. As we walked toward them Buffy grabbed my hand and pulled me along.

"Hi guys."

There was all this small talk at first. Then the girls walked off to get drinks for us leaving Xander and me alone. I asked if he wanted to play pool and he agreed. There was tension between us, but maybe because it was the atmosphere or whatever but it wasn't too bad. After I made a shot I heard the girls laughing and looked up at them. They were grouped together the way women do. Looking at us. Laughing.

"They're talking about us." I informed him.

Xander looked in their direction.

"Yes, they are. And I have a feeling we don't want to know what they're saying." We stood there and looked back at them. I could make out words that I didn't want to hear. Bed. Sex. Lasting. Then Buffy looked at me and realized I could hear them. She started to blush. Then told the other girls to hush as they made their way back to us.

We just hung out for a while. Playing pool and talking. Just usual hanging out bullshit. I pretty much just listened. Was trying to find out if it was different now. If I was now accepted or if I was still just the evil demon. But in a lot of ways I was glad that the others were coming together again. Anya and Xander. Tara and Willow. Working out their problems and being able to be with Buffy again. Maybe this would make her want to get better again.

Later the others made their way to the dance floor. I stayed behind and watched them. Sat on one of the couches. Anya returned after a few minutes and sat next to me.

"You're uncomfortable tonight, aren't you?" I looked over at her and then back out to the others.

"Yeah, I guess you could say that." They were more accepting of me but it was because Buffy brought me not that they thought I was okay. I started to twirl my almost empty cup of beer.

"Humans they really are silly?" I turned to meet her gaze. Sometimes I forgot that she used to be a vengeance demon.

"Sometimes."

"Then you fall in love with one and you want to be silly just like they are. And then somewhere along the way you forget who you are."

She was telling it like it was. The way I was feeling.

"We forget how destroying them can feel so good. The power we used to wield. The evil we could do." Anya looked at me with sympathy in her eyes.

"Do you ever regret it? Not being a demon anymore." I wanted to know if there was any future to this. A way to make peace with going soft.

"The only time I really wanted to go back was when he left me at the alter. It hurt so much and I wanted him to hurt as much as me." She looked out at him and got that silly love look on her face. "But no I don't regret it."

I guess Xander saw us sitting there and talking because he started to make his way toward us.

"So, what are you two up to?" He asked standing above us. Looking first at her then at me.

"Just talking, mate. Don't get your knickers in a twist." I took another sip of my beer and ignored him.

Anya stood and put her hand on his arm.

"Xander, it's okay. We were just talking like he said." She was trying to soothe him before he got upset.

"Well, don't get any ideas about Anya or I will stake you myself." Xander leaned over me trying to threaten me.

And I just couldn't help myself. He made it so easy to make fun of him sometimes. I opened my legs a little farther resting a hand on the inside of my thigh. Slowly starting at his feet I let my eyes wander up until I met his eyes.

"So, you want to stake me? I didn't know you were that kind." Then I ran my tongue over my lips.

It was great. His eyes opened wide and took about three steps back. Before he could say or do anything Anya grabbed his arm and pulled him out to the dance floor. As they were leaving she looked over her shoulder at me mouthing 'You are so bad' to me. I just kept smiling. He'd recover.

Buffy, Willow and Tara were making their way back. Buffy was swaying a little on her feet. She had started to drink before we left home and had been steadily drinking since we got here. When they reached us Buffy came to sit on the armrest next to me. Willow and Tara sat on a chair next to the couch.

"So, are you two having fun?" I directed my question to the birds. Interrupted them as they were gazing into each other's eyes. Tara turned startled eyes toward me.

"Yes, I'm…we're having fun." Her hand became entangled with Willows. "And you Spike? Are you having fun?"

"Loads." I didn't elaborate as Buffy was kissing me on my cheek.

"Would you get me another drink? Please?" She was nuzzling on my neck as her hand caressed my chest. I knew that if I didn't she would go herself. Kissed her quickly and then headed for the bar.

As I headed away from her I heard her tell the girls how well trained I was. Bothered me for a second but I just let it go. Wasn't worth it right now.

Ordered another cola and whiskey for her and a glass of plain cola. Asked the bartender keep hers light on the alcohol. When she first tasted it she wrinkled her nose and gave me a strange look. But she didn't say anything. Whenever I got a chance I poured some cola into her drink. Watering it down as much as possible.

Xander, Willow, Buffy and me started to play a game of pool. Tara and Anya had taken spots on the couch. This was when things started to go downhill. Buffy started to sip everybody's drinks. Mixing everything. As she reached for Xander's beer I put my hand out to stop her. She pulled back from me. They were all watching her at this point.

"Buffy, don't you think you've had enough?" Willow reached out and took the beer from her hand.

"I'm fine. Just having a good time. Isn't that what everybody wanted? For me to be happy." She started to walk toward me. "Well, I'm happy as can be. Feeling no pain at the moment and if I should start hurting Spike is there to make it all better." Buffy leaned against me. "Aren't you?" She turned her head to look at me.

"Yeah, baby." I put an arm around her shoulder. Her eyes were hooded and glazed from the alcohol. Pulling away she made her way toward the end of the table.

"What's the matter?" Her gaze encompassed her friends. They looked at her swaying on her feet. Then they looked at each other. "What's wrong, people? We are supposed to be having fun. So, lets have fun."

Then she clutched her stomach with one hand while the other went to cover her mouth.

"I don't feel so good." Willow and Tara moved quickly to her side to help get her to the bathroom before she was sick all over the place. I threw my pool cue onto the table and leaned on it propped up by my two hands. My chin was resting on my chest. I was hoping tonight would go okay. That Buffy would be okay.

"You know if you didn't encourage her drinking and other stuff this wouldn't be happening. You go and keep buying her drinks. Then as she finished it you just keep adding more of your own to it." Of course Xander would blame it all on me. Like I had all this damn control over her. I just gave him a dirty look without saying anything.

"What aren't you man enough to admit that you're messing her life up? It makes me sick to think of her being with you." Of course he couldn't leave it alone. He just had to keep going.

I pulled myself fully upright and walked right up into his face.

"You're just jealous because it's not you. But Buffy would never give you the time of day. Would she?"

A look of pain crossed his face as my words hit their mark. Anya finally came to pull us apart.

"Xander, stop it. You don't know what you're talking about. Spike has been adding plain cola to her drink. He's been trying to water it down." He reached for my drink and sniffed it. Then his eyes met mine. Couldn't tell you what exactly happened but something changed. His eyes lost the angry look.

"So, do I get an apology now?" I asked him still holding his eyes. It would never happen but it was worth it to get to rub it in a little.

Then Anya grabbed us both by the arms to get our attention again.

"You know if you all would work together instead of blaming each other maybe Buffy could get the help she needs." We were both looking at her. That would mean a lot of forgiveness and acceptance. It just didn't seem possible. We turned to look at each other. Kind of sizing the other up. She was right. At some point we would have to let go of the pride. For Buffy. We both knew it. But we weren't ready to admit it yet.

Then the girls coming out of the bathroom took our attention. Buffy was in the middle holding onto their arms. Her face was pale and shining from perspiration.

"Spike, she needs to go home." Tara looked at me gently. But for her there was no other way. She was the calm one of the gang. The one who took care of everybody.

Buffy looked at me as she separated from them and tried to make her way toward me. I reached out a hand for her to take. When she was close enough I slipped an arm around her waist.

"See, I told you. Always there for me. Couldn't ask for anything more could I?" She smile wanly at her friends. We all exchanged good nights before I led Buffy from The Bronze. She needed to go home and sleep. We had to stop once on the way home for her to get sick. Then as soon as we got home she headed for the bathroom. After I got the bike secured I went to find her. When I walked in she was brushing her teeth. She turned when she heard me behind her.

"I made an ass out of myself, didn't I?" Buffy asked after she spit out her toothpaste. Then leaning forward she laid her face on the coolness of the mirror.

"Not too bad. It was fine till the last hour or so." I watched her staying where I was leaning on the doorjamb. Her face was still pale as she washed her makeup off. "How are you feeling?"

"Better now that my stomach is empty again." Turning she sat on the counter. "I was just nervous about hanging out with them again and with you being there. I went overboard. Really proved what a fuck up I am."

Her head was down and she was wringing her fingers again. She had been as nervous as I had been about going with them. Neither one of us felt like we belonged. But she wanted to be normal. Wanted to be a part of them. But over the last few weeks she had come further into the dark side. It had become easier than fighting. Being with me had helped that along. My acceptance of her behavior. Always protecting her. Always holding her together.

I moved to stand between her legs. My hands resting on her hips. She leaned forward burying her face in my chest. Her arms wrapped around me. As soon as we were wrapped around each other again the magic between us started to take over. Weaving its spell around us blocking out the rest of the world. But I was beginning to realize it wasn't just good magic. It was deceptive and cruel. Leading us blinded down an unknown path. She wanted to hide in me and I wanted her to love me. Whether or not it was good for either of us.

She pulled back and raised a hand to my face. Gently she traced my eyebrows. Her fingers moving down to flutter across my eyes. She was like a blind person learning my features. A finger went down the bridge of my nose. Then her other hand joined the first and she traced my cheekbones down to my chin. They met on my lips stopping there. Retracing their path until she cupped my face.

"You are so beautiful." Her voice was soft against my skin. "And you love me so much. I don't understand why." As I tried to say something she laid a finger across my mouth. "Shhh, don't say anything. I don't understand this. None of it. You have been my anchor for so long. Always there to help me. To help my sister. Why? For love. It doesn't last. It always ends in pain." She let out a short laugh. "You were with Drusilla for a century and it ended in pain. And tears. Is that what is going to happen to us? If I let go will there come a day when we hate each other again? When we try to kill each other? Will one of us succeed?"

"Buffy, we don't know what will happen tomorrow. All we have is today." My heart was screaming for her to say the words that I wanted to hear. For her to let go and let this happen.

"But you already do? I can read it in your eyes. They are so expressive. The blue changes with your moods."

"What?" If she could me then she had to read the confusion at her words.

"You already regret loving me. I hurt you so much. And you know it's only going to get worse. I'm sorry for that. It hurts me that I am going to hurt you." Her forehead came forward to rest against mine. Her arms tightened around me.

"Baby, it doesn't have to be that way. We can make this work." My words were pleading. The thought of never having her again. Never being able to touch her. The pain was almost unbearable. The desperation clutched at me. The desperation that told me I would do anything to keep her here.

"No, it will. Because I can't deal anymore. The other night when the demon attacked me I prayed to die. And tonight just proved that I don't belong anymore. They should have left me where I was." She pulled away from me pulling her knees up to her chest. Wrapping her arms around her knees.

"Why don't you try counseling? I know you said you didn't want to but maybe it would help." I don't who was more surprised at the words. Her or me. Her head came up to look at me.

"No, I am not going to be locked up again."

"Again?" When the hell had she been locked up? She had to have been really young when that had happened.

"When I was fifteen. Right after I was called. I told my mom about everything. I was so confused. They locked me up until I stopped telling the truth."

For the first time ever I didn't like Joyce very much. How could she have done that to her? No wonder Buffy was having so many problems with dealing. You were punished for telling the truth and asking for help.

"There are people who would understand. That you could freely talk to. Giles could probably find someone." My hands went to stroke her arm. To let her know I was on her side. When she didn't respond to me I asked her to think about it. Her eyes met mine. So much pain. So much confusion was in their depths. Then slowly she nodded her head. Maybe soon she would be willing to take that first step back to the light. The first step away from me.

Chapter 18 - Nicotine Love

Go ahead touch me like that
The way you pull my head back
Go ahead breath me in
Bite me til I bleed
This love is like barbed wire running through my veins
Nicotine Love
Go ahead hurt me like that
I've been hurt before
I won't be fixed again
I'm not afraid to sweat
Cause I like the pain and it's familiar to me
And more gentle than most men will ever be
Jewel

I was dreaming about Drusilla torturing me. I was shackled to our bed while she poured holy water on me. Then laughed as I screamed. The pain burned through my flesh leaving me raw and bleeding. Her eyes were vacant staring at me. To her it didn't matter who I was. Just that I was there to release the demons of her mind onto. Later she would lead me through the pain to pleasure. Our bodies joined together in lust to give each satisfaction. As the water hit me again my flesh recoiled trying to get away from it. But it continued to eat away at me. I threw my head back and screamed again. A hand connected to my face. Stinging my cheek. A voice telling me to shush. But it wasn't Dru's. My eyes opened to Buffy leaning over me holding my chin.

"Don't scream. It only hurts for a second. Then it goes away. I promise." Her lips came forward to kiss me harshly. No caring. No passion. Just possession. Then as she pulled away I saw the cigarette in her other hand. I shook my head. This had to be a nightmare I was caught in. But I watched in horror as she lowered the cigarette to my stomach. We both watched it as it burned me. A smile crossed her face.

"Did you know that the skin on your abdomen burns faster than on your chest. Does it hurt more?" She was speaking in a voice that was flat. I was frightened as I stared into the depths of her eyes. There was nothing there. No emotion. I looked down at myself. Scattered across my chest and stomach were half a dozen burns. I reached for the cigarette in her hands but she held it away from me. As she did I saw burns on her breasts and upper stomach. She was nude straddled across my waist. For a moment I closed my eyes in an attempt to leave this behind. But as I did she slapped me again.

"Don't leave me alone again. Keep your eyes open."

"Okay, why don't you let me have the cigarette?" She hesitated looking from it to me. Then slowly she brought it closer. I grabbed it taking a drag before I put it out. "What's going on?"

There was a flicker in her eyes as my question hit a nerve. Then they closed as her hands came down on my hips. As she opened them again her nails curled into me then ripped around to my stomach.

"You. You promised me it would get better. You said I only had to try. But it didn't. Dawn told me today that she hated me. That I was a drunk and a whore. She told me she never wanted to see me again."

Something broke and the tears came. I flipped her so she was lying on the bottom and I was over her. Someone must have said something to Dawn. I cupped her face as the sobs ripped through her.

"I'm sorry. Dawn didn't mean it. She had to be upset about something. Next time you see her she'll apologize and it will be all better."

"No, it won't. This is it. This is all I will ever be. A vampire's whore living in the darkness I am supposed to be fighting."

This time I didn't let the words hurt. I couldn't.

"Buffy, you are not a whore or a drunk. Things are just bad right now. It will get better." As I finished she slapped me again. Then started to pummel me. Hitting me everywhere she could. Flipping us so she was on top again. Her fist repeatedly striking me. I reached up and grabbed her wrists. She spit in my face as I flipped her again pinning her hands above her head. She bucked against me. Trying to throw me off.

"I hate you. I hate this. I hate being with you. Damn you to hell." Her crying had resumed as she squirmed against me. I leaned forward against her. My free hand caressing her. Touching her. Kneading her. As I buried my face against her she reached down and bit my shoulder. Her mouth nearly tearing the flesh from me but then changing to suck on it. Licking at the blood.

"I love you, Buffy." I whispered into her ear. Kissing her neck softly. Working my way down her shoulder.

"Make it hurt, Spike." Her hips came up against me. Rubbing me with her softness. "Fuck me and make it hurt."

I let go of her hands and pulled back. The nightmare was pushing through my reality. I had wanted to hear those words for so long. A part of me wanted to. Pain and pleasure. Giving and taking. But there was a part of me that knew. Knew this wasn't right with her. I hesitated too long. She pushed me from her so I fell across the bed. The only thing stopping my fall was the bedpost. She rolled over and reached beneath the mattress pulling out a knife. My eyes opened wide as she came at me.

But she didn't attempt to stab me. She straddled me pushing me against the post again. Her lips hungry and desperate against mine. Somewhere in her mind the sex and the cutting had become one. The two ways of coping had blended into one. Buffy fell backward onto the bed pulling me with her.

"Don't you want me?" She reached between my legs stroking my cock. Her thumb running over the head while her hand was wrapped around me. "Spike, please? Don't leave me alone. I want you with me. Show me pain."

Her breathing was erratic. Her eyes desperate. I came forward on my forearms to kiss her. My tongue diving into the depths of her mouth. As I turned gentle again her hand caressed my chest. Slowly she teased my nipple. As I moaned in pleasure she twisted it in one violent hurtful motion.

"No, make it hurt." Scurrying out from under me she grabbed the knife again. As I watched she dragged it across her thigh leaving a trail of blood. "Don't you understand? I need it. I'm falling apart. It hurts. I don't want to hurt anymore. Please, Spike?"

Buffy was sobbing again. I reached for the knife and nodded my head. She handed it over to me.

"Lie back, pet. Tell me what you want and when you want me to stop, okay?"

She slid down on the bed until she was lying under me again. I turned so I was lying next to her. Taking the knife I started to run it across her neck. She whimpered then sighed as I moved it down running the tip across her nipple. Then circling the other with it. I looked up at her. She was watching me. Waiting for the first cut with anticipation. I turned the blade and made a small cut across her breast. She threw her head back in pleasure.

"More." She pleaded. I drew it down to her belly making small scratches but no cuts across the wounds from the demons. Her arousal was heavy in the air as I turned the sharp side up and ran the blunt edge between her nether lips. She froze as I moved it across her most intimate parts.

"Cut me, Spike."

I moved the knife across her hip leaving her cut. Small drops of blood dotting her skin. I leaned forward and licked them from her. My own arousal was becoming unbearable. As much as I hated hurting her, my body was trained to become aroused at pain. And the playing with pain.

I made the final cut across the top of her mound. Making it deeper than the other cuts her blood dripping across her skin. I threw the knife across the room and bent down to suck at her cut. Her hands on my head moving me down to her warmth. As my fingers entered her she pushed at my shoulders.

"No, please fuck me. I want you inside of me. I want to be a part of you." Her words fervent and needy. I moved over her body keeping myself on my elbows but she drew me down. As our flesh met, the burns and the cuts screaming their pain all over again. Pulling them open as our bodies moved together. Her legs wrapped around me. Her heels digging into my ass as she tried to push me further into her. I reached over and grabbed the pillows pulling her up to lie on them. With each thrust I was now hitting the opening to her womb. She moaned from the sensation.

Her head tossed on the pillow below me. Her hands pushing against the headboard helping her to move back to meet each thrust. I became lost in the feeling. Pounding as hard and as deep as I could. Then something inside of me wanted more. Something inside of me demanding the blood and violence that was my nature. I wrapped her hair around my hand and pulled her head still. Slowing my hips as I moved. I kissed her as my face changed to the vampire. As I pulled away I dragged her bottom lip between my fangs breaking the skin. Her eyes showed her fright as I looked down at her.

"You are mine. Now and forever." Her neck was nestled between my teeth as I continued to fuck her. Her whimpering loud in my ear. She knew if she tried to move that I would break the skin. Feed from her. Try to change her. To bring her fully into my world.

She was quickly losing her arousal as reality hit her. I pulled out of her and released her neck. Turning her onto her stomach I entered her again. My hand between her legs bringing her back to me. She rose onto her knees and started to push back against me. Her hand reaching down and covering mine as I caressed her clit.

She threw her head back as her climax hit her. Her walls clamping down around me. But I wasn't done yet. I pulled her up then took her forward to the headboard. Moving my hands over hers positioning them to hold on. I took to pounding in and out of her again. Her body kept hitting against the wood as I thrust into her. My hand moved to knead her breast. Twirling the nipple between my thumb and forefinger. Pinching them. Then finally as I reached my peak I bit into her. Sinking my teeth into smoothness of her flesh. Her blood running down my throat. Then as another orgasm rocked her I let her go. We both fell to the bed in exhaustion. The emotional and physical exertion had taken its toll on both of us. We faced separate ways but I rolled her to me. Needing the comfort of her against me.

Buffy slowly curled into a fetal position. Her hurt so evident. We were both covered in blood, cuts, burns, bites and scratches. Lifting her to me I took her to the bathroom. Setting her on the counter as I drew the bath. When it was full I took her into the bath with me. This time we faced each other as I drew a washcloth over her. Cleaning her up. She never said a word as I did this. But her eyes never left me. Watching every move that I made. Patiently enduring my clumsy shaking hands as I took care of her. After tucking her into bed I turned to leave her alone.

"Stay with me, baby." That was the first time she had ever called me by an endearment. And for the first time that day my eyes filled with tears. I turned back to her to her outstretched arms. Like the night we first made love I cuddled into her. Except this time my head rested against the softness of her breasts. As she held me to her I cried like a baby. For the innocence that was lost between us. For the innocence that was lost in her.

When you start playing with pain. Either from the cutting or from the sex you slowly start to need more. She had already taken a first step combining her two escapes into one. It wouldn't take long before she craved more. More pain. More blood. Pushing us both further into the darkness. Till one day she wouldn't even recognize herself anymore. And I would be lost in the evil again.

It was time. Time for help. For her. Hopefully, for me. I vowed then to talk Giles. To beg him to help her. To save her. Before my love destroyed her.

Chapter 19 - Amazing Grace

T'was Grace that taught
My heart to fear,
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
We have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far
And Grace will lead us home.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

Buffy had called in sick to work that night. We stayed at the crypt not answering the phone. Mostly we slept wrapped in each other's arms. We got up once to get something for her to eat and me some blood. We both knew we had crossed a line that could never be uncrossed. Somewhere in the middle of the night she woke me up with tender kisses. Told me she was just checking that I was there. That I hadn't left her there alone. I reassured her that my love was still there. She called me her sweetheart and returned to sleep.

In the morning I woke to find her gone. A note on the nightstand saying that she had a couple of errands to run. It wasn't long before she returned packages in hand. She hesitated when she came through the door and saw me watching television. It was going to be her decision how we went forward. After setting her bags on the couch she came to curl up on my lap. I wrapped my arms around her.

"What did you buy, love?"

"A new shirt for tonight. Nothing I own will cover everything without getting me fired for being too covered." Her hand entwined with mine as she softly explained her shopping. We both chuckled at her description. But it wasn't really funny. Not when she looked like an abused girlfriend.

It wasn't until she was getting ready for work that night that I saw her new blouse. It was a black turtleneck with long sleeves. In the front was a round cutout over her chest and her upper breasts. The back was cut down to her waist leaving it bare and open. She handed me a temporary angel tattoo to apply to her back. In the end she looked beautiful and sexy. But she was always that to me. My own fallen angel.

After I dropped her off I went looking for Giles. I found him at the Magic Box with Anya going over the books. Xander was also there hanging out. All three of them looked at me inquisitively as I walked in. I walked directly to Giles telling him that I wanted to talk to him about Buffy. This was one of the hardest things I had ever done. We sat at the table where he asked me what was going on with her.

"Do you know what happened between Buffy and Dawn yesterday?" I needed to know if he knew what it was that triggered what had happened between us. He nodded his head yes and told me that Dawn had overheard a conversation between himself, Xander and Willow. She had reacted without hearing everything and was now sorry for it. But it was already too late.

I looked down at my hands hating myself for this. Buffy trusted me with her darkest secrets. Her darkest side. And now I was going to betray that trust. Even the fact that she needed help didn't make me feel much better.

"Buffy has been getting worse. The depression is giving her thoughts of suicide and she is getting into pain." I pretty much mumbled the words. But they heard me. Anya put her hand on my arm to comfort me. Giles buried his face in his hands.

"What do you mean getting into pain? What have you been doing to her?" Xander asked me assuming that I would be hurting her.

I didn't even look at him but looked at Giles. His gaze met mine.

"She's been cutting herself."

"Controlling her own pain." Anya added before Xander could ask what I meant. I nodded at her comment. Glad that she understood. That I didn't have to spell everything out.

"But it's gotten worse than that. She wants to hurt me and wants me to hurt her."

Xander blew his top at that and I found myself pinned to the wall with his hand on my throat. But I didn't fight just met his gaze.

"I didn't want to hurt her. I still don't want to hurt her."

Anya came over to us took Xander's hand and removed it. She looked at me.

"Did she hurt you?"

"Some but not really."

"How?" Always practical Anya stating the obvious. Laying it on the line. I took my duster off and threw it over the back of a chair. Then I closed my eyes turning my head from then as I peeled my t-shirt off. I could feel their stares on my body. Looking at the bruises and burns. The place where her nails had ripped my skin.

"And how does she look?" Giles finally spoke up. "How badly did you hurt her?" His voice was angry and I only hoped that he wouldn't kill me yet. I pulled my shirt back on and sat down. Xander and Anya sat on either side of me.

"She is cut but not deeply." I tried to leave out where I had bitten her. Giles searched my face and somehow he knew. As my gaze met his we both knew where we stood.

"Is that why you came to us?" He questioned me.

"To you. I want her to be the Buffy I fell in love with. Strong, defiant and bitchy. If it comes to where she hates me again then I'll take it. As long as she is happy." I told him as honestly as I could. From my heart.

"Anya, Xander, leave us alone."

They both protested but Giles was determined that they leave. I waited for him to speak after they left. He didn't say anything for a while. He went to fix us both tea. I was surprised when he laid the tray on the table. He took a few sips before he finally spoke.

"Did you bite her?" He already knew the answer but he wanted me to confirm.

"Yes." No explanation. No excuses. Just verification.

"Is she badly hurt?"

"No. She went back to work tonight. Last night was the first time that things went that far. Even if you don't believe me I love her. I want her to be happy. I can only hope that someday that is with me." I went on to explain what had happened. That the confrontation with Dawn had triggered her hurt and anger. I left out as much of the sexual side as possible.

He nodded his head and wiped his hand over his mouth.

"Giles, did you know that Buffy was in an institution? That her parents put her there when she told them about her being called."

His eyes widened when I told him. Confirming that he didn't know.

"If she gets help then she needs someone that she can talk freely to. You have to promise me that she won't get hurt more." If he couldn't promise that she would be taken care of I would take her away from Sunnydale. There were places that we could go that they would never find us.

"Spike, that's ridiculous. I want to help her not hurt her." He hesitated for a moment trying to decide whether or not to trust me. "There is a therapist that I found. Her name is Sara Pendergrass. She is Wiccan and will be open to anything Buffy would tell her. I have already spoken to her and she is willing to take her on as a patient."

I nodded my head and asked him what he wanted to do. He said he had to think about it. That he would let me know before he actually did anything. Then he gave me a long searching look.

"What about you? What do you want?"

"To be with Buffy." Simple and to the point. That was all that I wanted was to love her and be loved by her.

"No, Spike for you. You have already said that if Buffy wouldn't want you at the end of this that you would be okay with it. Where would that leave you?"

I laughed caustically. That would leave me nowhere. I would have to leave here. There was no way that I could stay in Sunnydale. Not this time. I wouldn't want to and she sure as hell wouldn't want me to.

"Spike, what do you want for you away from Buffy?" He had reworded his question and asked me again.

"I don't know. Buffy has been my only thoughts for so long." I looked up at him as he stared at me intently. Taking a sip of my tea I waited for him.

"That's obsession not love. Is that what you have? That you will possess her anyway you can? Even if it hurts her?" He continued to question me. I hadn't figured out what he was looking for yet.

"No, not if I am here willing to give her up." I shrugged my shoulders.

"Okay, then Spike, what do you want for you? For Spike?"

I stood and walked away from him.

"What do you want from me? What do you want me to say?" I asked him over my shoulder. Afraid to see what was going on in him.

He stood and walked toward me. He grabbed my shoulder and turned me to look at him.

"I want to know what do you want? Do you want the chip out so you can kill again? Is that what you want? Is that why you bit Buffy?" He was literally backing me into a corner.

"No. Buffy it happened in the heat of the moment." He flinched when he realized the meaning of my words. "I don't know what I want. I am not a man anymore. And I am not a monster. Because of this bleeding chip. I don't know who I am anymore."

This time I was shouting. Just wanted him to back off and leave me the fuck alone.

"Who do you want to be Spike? Do you want to be the man or the monster?"

I was backed into the corner and it burst from somewhere inside of me. Somewhere that I didn't even knew existed.

"I hate this. I hate being a vampire anymore. Is that what you want to hear? Do you know that when I got this bleeding chip I came to you all. You were a family without the pain. I wanted that. I wanted to be a part of you. But you kept telling me how bad I was. That I was hated and it hurt. It fucking hurt to be constantly pushed aside unless you needed something. And somehow that was almost worse than the pain I had with Angelus. That's all I wanted was to belong. To be loved."

I finally broke down and the sobs came. Giles turned taking my arm and leading me back to the table. I laid my head on my arms and let the tears fall. And I knew the truth. I was tired of fighting that side of me. The vampire. All I had wanted since I was a child was to be loved. But I was always different. Always on the outside. When I was William. When I was Spike with Angelus. Even with Drusilla I came in second. And the little Scooby gang hadn't wanted me around either unless they needed the muscle. I wanted to be first with someone. And the only someone that I wanted to be first with I couldn't be.

"If Buffy was no longer here. And the rest of us were gone. Where would you stand? Would you continue to fight to save the world or would you sink back into your old life?"

My head came up to look at him. It had all been about family. Being a man or a monster. I had never made a stand on good or bad. I searched through my heart. And I knew that even if they were gone there would be other people out there. People like them who deserved to live. To have a life. People who might take my heart like Buffy and Dawn. People who I could be friends with like Anya. And I realized that there was power in being good. In saving them from things they didn't even know existed. My eyes met Giles.

"Good."

He visibly relaxed.

"Are you willing to risk everything for it?" He was on a one-way track again and this time I played along with him.

"Yes."

"Even if you never see Buffy again?"

"Yes."

"Then we have something else to talk about." He poured us both some more tea then taking his cup he leaned back in his chair. "There is a demon in Africa."

That's how he began. Telling me that I could have a soul again. He told me that he had researched it when I had first become chipped. If I was willing to take the steps he would make the arrangements. But I would have to go alone and endure the trials alone. To prove my desire to change. We both agreed that Buffy would know nothing about this until after she had made her decisions. And that none of the others would know either. I knew it was a test. If I told them I was using it to get what I wanted not because I really wanted to change.

We continued to talk until almost 2:00 in the morning. About Buffy. About Dawn. About the others. And what needed to be done. For the first time I felt like we were allies. Fighting for the same things. I finally took my leave so that I could go and pick Buffy up. He promised that he would call and talk to me tomorrow about Buffy. I nodded my head and left.

Things had been set in motion. There was no turning back now. And I could only hope that the right decisions had been made.

Chapter 20 - Everything Breaks Sometime

Under the shadows, forbidden and hot
Desire grows, more often than not
I'm sorry's a stupid thing to say
Especially considering it's not like I planned it this way
But I'm sorry is all that there is left of me
I'm so sorry this love made me hollow and left you empty
Maybe I could have loved you better
Maybe you should have loved me more
Maybe our hearts were just next in line
Maybe everything breaks sometime
It's hard to believe its boiled down to this
It seems so surreal this won't be healed by a kiss
It's hard to stare at you knowing you like I have
I used to feel so close, now I feel so bad
My heart's filled with thunderstorms and I'm ready to burst
And I've lost my favorite harbor and I'll weather for the worst
Jewel

On Thursday Giles called for Buffy asking her to lunch on Sunday. He told her to tell me that the package was waiting for me at the Magic Box. Which was his way of telling me to stop by after I dropped her off at work. When I got there he told me that he had decided that it would be best if he spoke to her alone. That with anyone else there he was afraid it would overwhelm her. I agreed with him. But he had spoken to the others to get their input. Trying to find out if they had any ideas for reaching her. We talked for a while about her.

Then I asked him some more questions about me getting a soul. Like would it change who I was. Would I get all broody and guilt ridden like Angel? Would I return to being William? Or would I still be Spike? Would it change how I felt about the people around me? He looked at me rather strangely and asked if I was changing my mind? It wasn't that. I just wanted to know whom I would be when it was over.

He told me that although he didn't know all the ramifications of the change. But he felt that it would be like an extra lock on the demon. Make it easier for me to make the right decisions. To be on the side of good. But what I had really wanted to know was if I would still love Buffy when it was over. If the people who were important to me now would they still be important to me then. Would I be able to be with them?

But these things would only be answered with time.

I tried to be really careful with Buffy from then until Sunday. Showering as much love and care as I could on her. As much as she would allow me. During the day with our normal routines it was easy for us to maintain this. Things went on pretty much like it had been. But at night when we went to bed she kept pushing to try new things. I gave in to her to a point. Mostly we played harmless games. Without her raw emotions pushing for pain it was enough. For us both.

Saturday came. Buffy got up before noon and headed out to pick up food and some movies for us to watch. We sat on the floor in front of the television to eat. She had picked up Chinese food and she passed the choices to me after she had taken what she wanted. She declared me gross when I dipped my egg roll in blood. But it was just joking around. When we had finished eating and put the leftovers in the fridge we settled down on the couch. With her lying on her back and me lying face down between her legs with my head resting on her stomach. The movie had just started to play when the front door opened.

We heard a collective gasp. Then voices.

"Oh, God, I am going to hurl." That was Xander.

"Oh, sorry, so sorry, didn't mean to interrupt." That was Willow.

"See, other people do it in the afternoon in the living room." That was Anya.

I raised my head just a little to look at Buffy who was in a fit of giggles. Then I rose up a little more to look over the back of the couch.

"Have you people ever heard of knocking?" They were all turned the other way except for Anya. Then I went ahead and stood up pulling Buffy up with me.

"You can turn around. We weren't doing anything."

They all turned around slowly. Then there was sighs when they realized that we really weren't doing anything. Xander was carrying boxes of pizza and Willow had soda.

"Come on in, guys. This is a nice surprise." Buffy welcomed them looking at me with a confused expression on her face. Like why are they here? All of them. As she led them in to lie out the pizza. Clem came through the door. Well, there went our nice quiet afternoon. Clem had brought chips and wings as usual. So, we broke out the left over Chinese and everybody started helping themselves to a little bit of everything.

As they were eating we just gathered around talking. They talked about the Bronze, about the Magic Box, and about Dawn. After everyone had eaten we decided to play Monopoly instead of watching the movies.

Halfway through the game Clem said something that gave us all something to think about.

"Do you know this is the first time that I have been at a party that half the people were human and the other half was demon or ex-demon."

We all kind of stopped and looked around. He was right. And we were all having fun on a Saturday afternoon not doing much of anything.

At the end of the afternoon Buffy told everyone she had to be at work at seven and that she had to get ready. As soon as they were out the door I turned to her.

"I thought you didn't have to be at work until eight?"

She walked up to me sliding her arms around me.

"I don't. I just wanted to be alone with you first."

I picked her up and dumped her on the couch. Where I made slow sweet love to her. And then again when she got home for work. Refusing her attempts to play. Told her it was just her and me. Skin to skin. She looked confused and afraid. But her touches were gentle and her response evident. I just wanted her to feel my love not just my body before she went with Giles.

Finally Sunday morning came. She kissed me on the cheek before she left for lunch. And as she walked out the door Giles and I looked at each other. Both of us hoping that he could reach her.

I wandered around the place. Back and forth. Waiting. In dread. My body was tense. My mind running scenario after scenario. Hoping that it would be the happy ending one. Where everybody got better.

It was almost two o'clock in the afternoon. I was downstairs folding towels from the laundry we had done last night. The upstairs door flew open hitting the wall behind it. The echo reverberating through out the crypt. My stomach clenched. I heard her yell my name. I called out to her telling her where I was. She came down the ladder and at me before I could react. She kicked me sending me face first down into the bed and the towels. My heart shattered as it quickly filled with fear. She landed on my back. I told myself just go along with whatever she did. Once it was out of her system then we could talk and it would be all right. I had been beaten by people more evil than she could ever be. I could handle it.

Her hand entangled in my hair pulling my head back. Then continuing to pull me by my hair she flipped me on my back. Her hands started to pummel me. As she went to hit me again I grabbed her wrist and pushed her away. She rolled off of the bed, over the trunk and landing on the floor beyond. I looked down at her and began to back up.

"You betrayed me."

Was all she said before flying at me again grabbing me by my arms and flinging me down on to the bed. Her fists beating at me. Around my head and face. Against my chest and stomach. I tried to grab her hands but she backslapped me. Then the screaming started.

I hate you. You told Giles everything. You humiliated me. You broke my trust. Everything is ruined now. You are just like all the others.

These were only some of the things she screamed at me as her fists continued their rain on my flesh. Her breath was hot against me as she panted in her exertions. She stood for a moment and turned to reach something on the dresser. I looked up at her and saw she had grabbed a stake and she was coming right at me. It was reflex. I didn't even think about anything except I didn't want to die. My foot came up and hit her in the stomach. She flew into the dresser. Hitting the mirror. Shattering it into a thousand pieces that fell around her.

"Buffy?"

I called out to her softly when she didn't move for a second. But she rose up on her hands. Pieces of glass stuck to her. She laughed.

"Did you think that would stop me?"

She came to me again and this time I fought back. At this point it was kill or be killed. It was blow for blow. Pain for pain. I could feel myself retreating and the demon coming forward. She grabbed me and pushed me against the wall. Her hand went between my legs. Stroking me. Making me hard.

"To think I willingly fucked a little pussy boy like you. You can't even enjoy real pain anymore. Can you? See if you can enjoy this."

Her knee came up into what she had just held. Pushing my scrotum up into my body. As I doubled over from the pain she brought her fist into my jaw. I fell on the floor at her feet where she came at me again. I could feel her bites and fists. Her hand pulling even the hair from my head. And I wanted to die then. Anything to get away from this nightmare.

"Buffy, please, no more. Stop. I can't take anymore." I begged for release. Never had I begged like this in my time as a vampire. Never had I known hurt such as this. The pain of a lover no longer loving. Even Drusilla in her madness had never done this to me.

I could hear Buffy crying now. Her tears falling on my body.

"You promised, Spike. You promised me that you would always take care of me. Give me what I need. Please Spike."

Her pleas fell on deaf ears. I was too far away to hear much less to understand. The demon tired of being second came forward. And I watched as he took her by the throat. Then my body stood still clutching her. Her feet dangling from the ground. But she wasn't struggling. She didn't attempt to fight back as he backed her up to the wall. As he bit into her neck again. Not like the other night. This was ripping into her. There was no coming back from this. Her legs wrapped around him.

Somewhere around the pain that I was lost in I heard her whisper thank you. So much relief in those two words. And I knew this was what she wanted. To die. To give up. And she was using me to get what she wanted. Somehow I took control again wrapping myself around the demon and pulling him from her. Her body slumped against me as I took her to the bed. She was slipping in and out of consciousness. I laid her there. I started to kiss her cheek and neck. Tasting her blood. Begging her to come back to me.

The insanity of the moment told me if I were just inside her everything would be all right. When I was there I could believe she loved me. That everything would be okay. I removed her shirt and bra fondling her breasts. All the while telling her that I loved her. That I needed her. I pushed up her skirt and pulled her panties off. I undid my jeans and stroked myself to get ready. I don't know if it was from the blow or the stress or the fear but I couldn't get hard. I tried to push into her anyway but she was too dry. That's when my tears came. To be denied the one thing that was always right between us just made it seem like it was over. It was done. And I lay on top of her and cried for all our pain. For the love that was never good enough. All I wanted was my Buffy and it had come to this. And somewhere along the line I passed out.

Time moved on around us. And a new day began as it started to rain. Washing away the previous day in its cleansing downpour.

Chapter 21 - The Morning After

There's got to be a morning after
if we can hold on through the night
We have the chance to find the sunshine,
let's keep on looking for the light.
Oh, can't you see the morning after?
It's waiting right outside the storm
Why don't we cross the bridge together,
and find a place that's safe and warm.
It's not too late, we should be giving
Only with love can we climb
It's not too late, not while we're living
Let's put our hands out in time.
There's got to be a morning after.
We're moving closer to the shore.
I know we'll be there by tomorrow
and we'll escape the darkness,
we won't be searching anymore.
Maureen McGovern

I woke a little after midnight still lying on top of Buffy. She was sleeping. Her heartbeat slow and steady. Her breathing shallow but she would be okay. I carefully crawled off her. Once I was standing I stared down at her. There were bruises on her face and one eye was blackened. On her stomach was a bruise that was in the shape of the bottom of my boot. Her left side was black and blue indicating that she probably had broken ribs. There was blood covering her from where I had bitten her.

Reaching my hands up I felt my face. Swollen into a grotesque mask. My scalp was bald in places where she had ripped my hair out.

Backing away in horror I ran from the crypt into the night. Rain was falling in sheets. I fell to my knees in the grass. Throwing my arms out I leaned back into the downpour. It fell upon me washing the blood away. Running in red rivers down my body and back into the earth. A scream from the very bottom of my being rose out of me. An inhuman sound of pain and death.

I didn't know she was coming until I felt her hand on my shoulder. Her kneeling behind me pulling me back into her. Then rocking us slowly back and forth like a mother would for a child in need of comfort. I turned to her burying my face against her stomach.

She told me she was sorry. That she never meant for this to happen. I pulled back from her so we were facing each other. I didn't understand her wanting to take the blame. I had lost control and tried to take her life. This whole thing was my doing. I had taken advantage of her depression and loneliness. Teaching her to lean on me.

"Spike, I pushed you to it. It was my fault. I came back earlier looking for that. You warned me that you could only be pushed so far. That was what I was hoping for."

I bent my head as her words came to me. Confirming what I had thought.

"You're leaving me again?" Her question was filled with fear.

I nodded my head and I looked up at her.

"I won't stay here and kill you, Buffy. It would destroy me."

"I know."

Her hand softly came to cup my cheek. Caressing me softy.

"When I thought I was going to die I was overcome with so many regrets. And I realized that I don't want to die. I want to find a way back."

Our eyes met. Her eyes were clear. Shining with gentleness and need.

"I regretted that I would disappoint Giles. That I wouldn't see Dawn grow up and have a life of her own. That I would hurt my friends again."

She stopped and her other hand came to my other cheek. No words of me. My decision to leave was for the best.

"Look at me, Spike."

At first I refused. I didn't want to cry again. She bent down to look up at me.

"Please."

I brought my head up to look at her. Her thumbs caressed my cheeks as she rose to her knees and scooted closer to me. So close I could feel her body move with each breath she took. Then when she was sure she had my attention.

"And my biggest regret." She stopped as a sob broke through her. "And my biggest regret was that I would never see the look in your eyes when I told you that I love you."

Her kiss was soft against me. I had to be dreaming. After everything that had happened between us she chose this moment to finally say the words. When it was too late. I didn't kiss her back and she pulled away from me.

"You don't love me anymore, do you? I did it this time didn't I?" She leaned her forehead against mine. I pulled her so we were flush against each other. Her head moved to rest on my shoulder.

"I'll always love you, Slayer." I could feel her nod against my shoulder. "But this pain can't go on."

"I know." She turned her head so she could whisper in my ear. "I want to get better. I want to learn to live again. And I want you with me. Will you stay? Please?"

How could I refuse her? But we needed to be apart for a while. She needed to be strong on her own and I had my own journey to make.

"You're still leaving me aren't you?" She had pulled back so she could look at me again.

"For a little while, love. But I promise I will do everything I can to get back to you."

She nodded.

"And I promise while you are gone I will do everything I can to be strong again."

We had made our promises to each other. They would stand as solid as any marriage vows ever made.

We decided to go away for a few days. There was nothing we could do in the condition we were in. We needed to heal before we could take any further steps. We packed a few clothes and a cooler with blood. Grabbed some money from our stash and headed out. Made our way along the coast until we find a little motel right on the beach. The clerk looked at me funny as I went in to rent a room. With the way I looked I knew he was hesitating to rent me a room. I laid an extra hundred on the counter and he never said a word. He gave us a room with a kitchenette on the end.

After we got settled in I took off for an all night grocery store at the end of the street. I left her at the motel because she didn't anyone to see her in the condition she was in. Bought her food and soda. Grabbed some card and dice games. Something for us to do to pass the time. Before I left the parking lot I dialed the house. Dawn answered the phone. It was the first time I had talked to her since the day she and Janice had come over.

"Buffy is that you?" Her voice worried and frantic came through the line.

"Niblet, it's Spike. Is Giles there?"

"Spike, I'm sorry. So sorry. Is she okay? Are you okay? Where are you? Xander and Willow went to the crypt. Said the place was torn up and you guys were gone."

"Dawn, listen to me. We are both fine. We both…" I hesitated then told myself to just say it. "We both love you. Now, let me talk to Giles."

It took only a second for Giles to come on the phone. His words pretty much echoed Dawn except he added the blood that was all over the place. I reassured him that she was okay. That she would be all right but it was something that she would have to talk to him about. I told him where we were and asked him not to call unless it was an emergency. That we just needed a few days. Then his next words surprised me.

"And you, Spike, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I will be."

After that we said goodbye and I headed back to Buffy.

We spent the next week holed up at the motel. Becoming more like friends than lovers. We ventured out at night to walk along the ocean. Feeling the surf around our feet. During the day we watched television or played the games I had bought.

And we talked. Talked about everything and anything. I told her about who I was before I was turned. My time with Drusilla and Angelus. We talked about our feelings for each other. I told her that I had wanted her the first time I had seen her on the dance floor. That I think I had loved her then but it just longer for me to realize it. She told me with a blush that the first time she had wanted me was in the school that night. When I had told her weapons made me feel manly and rubbed my stomach. We joked that maybe we could have saved a lot of time and heartache if we had just acted on our feelings then. It was bittersweet because then I would have been her only love.

She told me about her childhood and being called. Her first Watcher and his death. The time she spent in the institution. And the parts I had missed when I had been away from Sunnydale. By the time we left the only thing we hadn't talked about was the future. Our future together.

And when we slept we curled together like two lost children desperately clinging to one another. Not once in that time did we make love. There were only kisses and innocent touches. Sex was one of the problems between us. An escape route and a power play. We would need to learn to approach each other differently before we were together again.

Our physical wounds healed and it was time to go home. While she was taking a shower before we left I called Giles. Told him we would be home in about an hour. We took one last look around the place before we closed the door. Both of us sad to be leaving our haven behind.

Giles was waiting for us when we got home. Buffy hesitated when she saw him but when he held his arms out to her she ran to him. He held her and they both cried. She told him she was sorry. Then when they were both calmer she asked for help. The relief was so evident in his face as he agreed to be there for her. I left them alone so they could talk. Walked around for a while and finally gave up. Took a seat on a bench outside the crypt and smoked. They found me sitting there when she followed him out.

Buffy smiled at me and I went to her. Taking her hand as we walked Giles to his car. He hugged her before he left. Turned to me and thanked me. I just shrugged my shoulders. There was nothing to thank me for.

I stayed with her for a while longer. Stayed while she took the first steps. Went with her while she officially quit her job. Arnie surprised us both by being understanding. Said he liked her. Helped set her up with a job at a fancy restaurant that his cousin owned. She would work the lunch shift and every other weekend. My favorite part was that she would be wearing black slacks and a long sleeve white shirt.

Stayed with her while she met with Doris Kroger and found out what she had to do to get Dawn back. Stayed with her while she went to her first counseling appointment with Sara. Buffy really liked her and felt comfortable with her. Which was good news for all of us.

One evening she mentioned that she would need a car. When I offered her the Desoto she looked at me funny.

"You still have it?"

I told her it was parked in the garage at the mansion. We went over one night and after putting a new battery in it got her cranked up. After we got it back to the crypt Xander came over and helped us. We scraped the paint off the windows. Gave her a tune up and an oil change. Checked the belts and everything. The next day Xander took her to get new tires put on. And fortunately for me it was Giles and him that got to teach her to drive.

Stayed with her while she found a small two-bedroom apartment in a decent neighborhood. Without her knowing it I had added some money to her stash. She never really counted it just added her tips night after night so she never knew what I had done. So, there was plenty for deposits and everything.

Then I helped her pack her things. The little chit stole almost all my t-shirts. Told me she couldn't sleep in anything else.

To soon it was her last night there. The gang would be coming over in the morning to help her move. She had headed off to take a shower. When she returned she was in the nude. She slowly crawled across the bed.

"I know we agreed to wait. But this may be our last night together for a long time and I want to make love to you."

Her hands moved across me. Her lips kissing mine. And I wanted her just as bad. This time she led us. Taking our time. Just enjoying the feel of the other. Her whispers of love as she touched me drove me crazier than anything else.

But all too soon morning came.

Her friends were there to take her away. After they had loaded the cars we stood facing each other. Not knowing how to say goodbye. I wanted to show her that I would be back. A symbol. Like a ring. As my eyes swept the place I saw it. I went to pick the duster up bringing it back to her. Laid it across her shoulders. Told her it would keep her safe while I was gone. It was enough.

"Come back to me." Then she kissed me hungrily. Pouring all her love into it. And I reassured her that I would.

Anya hugged me and wished me luck. Tara kissed my cheek and told me she would say blessings for me. Willow shook my hand. Then covered our joined hands with her other and squeezed. Xander started to walk out the door.

"Take care of her until I get back."

He turned and our eyes met. A quick nod and he was gone.

It was time. I picked up the cell phone that Buffy had left with me. Giles answered on the first ring.

"She's gone." I told him. "How soon can you make the arrangements?"

"Be ready at sunset. I'll pick you up."

It was done. Buffy and I would never live here again. Clem was moving in later that day. Whatever stuff I had wanted to keep would be stored in the Summer's attic. And then I sat and waited for sunset.

Chapter 22 - Somewhere Down The Road

Sometimes good-byes are not forever
It doesn't matter if you're gone
I still believe in us together
I understand more than you think I can
You have to go out on your own
So you can find your way back home
And somewhere down the road
Our roads are gonna cross again
It doesn't really matter when
But somewhere down the road
I know that heart of yours
Will come to see
That you belong with me
Letting go is just another way to say
I'll always love you so
We had the right love
At the wrong time
Maybe we've only just begun
Maybe the best is yet to come
Barry Manilow

Giles showed up just as the sun was going down. If Clem hadn't showed up earlier in the afternoon to move in I would probably have gone crazy with nerves. I just wanted to get started on the journey. So, I could just get back home.

As soon as he walked in he asked if I was ready. I nodded yes. Picking up a box I walked over and handed it to him.

"What's this?" He asked perplexed.

"It's my bank information." When I said that he looked really confused. "I've got a bit of money put aside and if anything happens to me it goes to Buffy and Dawn. I already put Buffy on as a co-signer on the account so she won't have any problem getting it out if she needs it."

He opened the box and pulled out the passbook on top. His eyes opened wide when he opened it and saw the balance. He looked up at me then back down at it. But he didn't ask or comment. Just told me it was time to go. He replaced the passbook in the box and nodded his head at me.

On the way to the airport he told me how I was going to get to Africa. There was a group of humans and demons called The Guardians. They were going to transport me on private cargo planes operated by these members. He compared them to the Underground Railroad that helped runaway slaves during the Civil War. The Guardians assisted demons that were on the side of good and demons sympathizers with safe houses, medical care and safe passages to different locations throughout the world. I found out the judge who helped Giles with Dawn's guardianship and Buffy's therapist were both part of this organization.

"Aren't you afraid with Sara being part of this might unduly influence Buffy?" The thought of Buffy being brainwashed into something didn't set well with me. I couldn't understand why Giles would put her in this position.

"I thought about it, Spike. But I spoke to a lot of people about Sara. She treats humans who have nothing do with demons as well. They have never been influenced to that life at all." He paused for a moment. "I think having someone who won't react at all to her involvement with a vampire will help her more. Alleviate the guilt she feels about loving the enemy. And maybe she won't feel like a freak anymore."

He was right. That was part of her problem. She was supposed to be killing vampires not sleeping with them. But yet it was part of her attraction to me also. To slip to the dark side and be bad. The hero complex and always having to be good was part of what made her want to run. Hopefully Giles was right and this acceptance of both worlds would make Buffy freer to choose what she wanted not what she thought she had to have.

Once we reached the airport Giles parked behind it in an abandoned building's parking lot. We slipped through a cut in the fence and made our way to a hanger. A tall man with dark hair turned to look at us as we walked in. He stood and made his way toward us.

"Hi, I'm Jeff. You must be Mr. Giles and Spike." He put his hand out for us to shake it. First Giles then mine. Taking his time as he shook my hand he gave me the once over.

"You the pilot?" I asked him not sure if I liked him or not.

"Yeah, that's what they gave me a license for. Probably wasn't the smartest thing they ever did. But, hey, I haven't crashed one yet." He laughed at his own joke. Giles and I just looked at each other. "You about ready to take off. The flight plan says I am leaving at 8:30 and it's about that."

I nodded my head. Giles turned to me and wished me luck. Shook my hand and turned to leave. I wanted to run after him. Beg him to take me back with him. Pussy boy, yeah, I know.

Jeff laid a hand on my shoulder and led me to the plane. He explained that I would stay in the cargo area until we got off the ground. Once in the air I could come up to the cockpit with him since it was just the two of us. I had flown a lot of times but never in the front with the pilot. Can't eat the person you need to get you back on the ground. My earlier doubts were alleviated because we ended up getting along for the trip. He was always cracking jokes about something. Talked a lot about his family and especially his wife.

The plane would be landing at Orlando International Airport and I would be put on another plane directly to Africa. We landed in Orlando around 2:40 in the morning. While he landed the plane and made contact I was hiding back in the cargo hold again. It wasn't too long before Jeff returned with another man and a woman. Jeff introduced them as Matt and Donna. Donna came over to me and handed me a thermos.

"It's blood and its been warmed for you. Drink up because once we get you settled it will be over twenty-four hours before you see the world again." I took the thermos from her and opened it up. Carefully took a swig and it had been warmed just to the right temperature for me. Donna continued to watch me as I drank. When I arched a brow at her she laughed but didn't turn away.

"Sorry for staring. Just have never met a vampire before. It's a new experience for me." She seemed the straightforward type. Although she wasn't what one would call beautiful she had strong features with huge hazel eyes. After I had finished the blood she and Matt made their way to a long crate in the corner. They quickly popped the top and beckoned me to come over. The thing was filled with Bibles.

"No way, those things will burn me." I took a step back and Donna giggled.

"It's got a false bottom. The Bibles won't come close to you. Matt and I are missionaries. Which is the reason for going to Africa. Can't spread the word of God unless you bring Bibles with you." As she talked Jeff and Matt pulled out a crate within the crate. There was a hollow place at the bottom.

"You spread the word of God and you're helping a vampire?" This was just way too weird for me.

"God made all creatures. Therefore he made you. Get in." The three of them were waiting for me to get in the crate.

"Do all Guardians believe like you?" I looked at them before I moved.

"No, we are made of all religions and beliefs. Now, do you want to go or not?" Matt wasn't as inquisitive as Donna. And he sure acted like he didn't want to be doing this because this was the first time he had spoken.

I approached the crate with trepidation. Looked it over then stepped into it. After I laid down they put cedar chips around me to disguise my scent in case they had the dogs sniff the box. Once I was settled Donna squeezed my hand and told me she would see me on the other end. Then they lowered the top part with the Bibles on top of me. It was like being in a coffin again. I almost panicked for a minute then told my self to calm down. Soon I let myself go into a deep sleep. Not much else to do for the next day while we traveled overseas.

The crate was being moved again and I could feel the heat of the sun warming the box. Soon I could feel it being loaded onto a truck and the movements as the truck traveled over bumpy roads. I kept hoping that soon I would be let out. It was really uncomfortable and hot in there. After hours the truck stopped. And I was unloaded again. I could hear people talking. Donna's voice and Matt's. Then the lid was taken off and a hand reached down to help me out. I took it as I recognized Donna smiling down at me.

"So, how was the trip?" She jokingly asked me.

I growled and told her it was lousy. She directed me toward another couple standing there.

"I want you to meet Joe and Melissa. They are going to be your next guides." They both shook hands with me. After saying good-bye to Donna and Matt they led me out to their jeep. I just kept looking around as we traveled through open country. They explained that they were heading toward their house. I would stay there until tomorrow night then I would be taken to the area where the demon was. From there I would have to walk in. They would return to pick me up and I would return to their home until I was ready to make the trip back.

They were good people. Introduced me to everyone in their home. And I was given a room of my own with a private bath. I felt like a guest not a refugee vampire. After they had shown me around, they invited me to join their family as they hung out and watched television. I was surprised when a couple of demons were there. They helped out on the ranch and had been gone when we had arrived earlier that evening. After I met them I began to feel a little more comfortable.

The next day passed quietly. Blood was brought to me in the morning on a tray. Along with a change of clothes. After I had showered and changed I settled down to read a poetry book I had found on one of the shelves in my room. Melissa came and checked on me and told me that I was welcome to wander the house if I felt like it. But I pretty much stayed in the room until dinner when I ventured out to join the evening meal. No one made comments about me drinking blood. Or the fact that I did eat some of the food that was offered.

As soon as dinner was over Joe and one of his ranch hands took me to the edge of some desert. Gave me directions to the village where the demon was located. After telling me that someone would return to this spot for the next three nights to wait for me. If I hadn't returned by the end of the third night they would assume I wasn't coming back. And this information would be given to Giles.

I nodded my head that I understood. Thanked them for all their help. Stood there and watched them drive out of sight. Then turned and looked at the desert spread out before me and started walking. It was up to me now.

Authors Note: In order to keep my story line going I have changed some elements of Spike's visit with the demon in Africa.
________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 23 - Africa

I hear the drums echoing tonight
But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation
She's coming in twelve-thirty flight
Her moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation
I stopped an old man along the way
Hoping to find some old forgotten words or ancient melodies
He turned to me as if to say: "Hurry boy, it's waiting there for you"
It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do
I bless the rains down in Africa
Gonna take some time to do the things we never had
The wild dogs cry out in the night
As they grow restless longing for some solitary company
I know that I must do what's right
Sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti
I seek to cure what's deep inside, frightened of this thing that I've become
Toto

The desert was all around me stretching out as far as I could see. The night sky of stars covered me stretching over and sealing the desert shut in the distant horizon. I could hear things move but they were beyond my sight. After taking a deep unnecessary breath I started walking in the direction that Joe had told me the village was. Forever it seemed I strode through the sand that shifted beneath my feet. When I was beginning to wonder if I had been walking in circles I heard the faint beat of drums. Smiling that I was close I quickened my pace and hurried toward the sound.

The village loomed before me like some place forgotten in time. The huts grouped haphazardly around large fires. Not taking the time to acquaint myself I just made my through the village. The villagers stared at me strangely as I walked by them. One yelled at me in a language I didn't understand. But I knew what he meant. To stop or I would die if I continued on my path. Just told him I that I didn't care. Then I was there. The entrance to the cave.

The fear ran through me but I couldn't let it stop me. The life that I wanted was at stake. It was dark and dank in the cave. I lit my lighter and tried to make out the drawings of torture and pain that covered the walls. Then I heard a voice. Turning toward it all I could make out was the shape of a large demon with glowing eyes. Its tail slowly wagging behind it.

"You seek me vampire?" His voice was low and diabolical.

"Yeah, I seek you. Like your drawings. Did you do them?"

"You have come to me to be restored." It wasn't a question. He was letting me know that my presence was already expected.

"Good. Then you know why I am here. So, let's get to it." At this point I was really hoping he wouldn't notice that I was beginning to shake.

"You will not endure the trials required to grant your request." Glad I had his vote in this little mission.

"Well, why don't you bring them on and I'll be more than happy to show you that I can."

"Very well." He stepped back and I turned as I heard movement behind me. It was the first of the warriors I would fight. This one had hands of fire that left me burned and sore. The second warrior was a two-headed demon that sapped the last of my physical strength. After I finally ripped his second head off I fell to my knees in the dirt of the cave.

"Well, demon, I have completed two of your trials."

"So, you have. Are you ready for the next?"

"Yeah, whatever you have bring it on so I can get what I want."

Then my eyes opened in revulsion as I saw the bugs. Thousands of them were crawling toward me. Then over me. I screamed as I was covered in them. They crawled over my wounds. Into my nose. And into my mouth as I continued to scream. Mercifully darkness took over and I pitched forward into the dirt.

When I woke the demon stood over me.

"You have completed the trials."

"Soddin' right I have. Now give me what I came for."

His hand covered my chest.

"Your soul is now returned to you. Serve it well."

A hot burning pain filled every fiber of my being. An intense light shone through and all around me. This was worse than the three trials combined. I wasn't even aware that I was once again screaming in pain. The demon's laughter was the last thing I heard as I passed out again.

When I woke I was laying in the shadows of the entrance of the cave. The sun was just beginning to set. As the safety of darkness covered the land I forced myself to stand. To begin my trek back to the meeting place. The villagers came out to watch me walk by. They stared in awe and pointed at my battered body. My emotions were numb and my body was all pain. Only by sheer determination was I able to continue to walk. This time was slower as I had to fight myself to continue moving. Sometimes falling and having to crawl before forcing myself to walk again.

After forever I could see the jeep in the distance. I tried to walk faster but I only moved slower. A light appeared in the east as the sun began its wake up call. The servant moved around the back of the jeep to climb into the driver's seat.

"No." I called out weakly. If he left this would all be for naught. I would burn in the sun. From the very depths of my being I yelled at him to wait. He hesitated and looked out into the distance. Grabbing something from the back seat he began his way toward me. I tried to walk toward him but my strength was gone and I collapsed onto my knees. He began to run and was quickly by my side. A blanket was thrown over me and he helped me back to my feet. With his help I was able to make it back to the jeep. I curled on the floor of the back seat with the blanket over me as we made our way back to the house.

The sun was climbing higher in the sky and I could see it trying to seep into my hiding spot. Whispering at me that it could end my misery before it even started. Beckoning at me to run into its light. I closed my eyes as tight as I could. But as I kept the sun at bay the voices began at the edge of my conscious. The screams of terror and pain that I had caused calling out to me to remember them. To free them from their torment. Shaking my head I tried to dispel them but they wouldn't leave. They only came closer when they realized I no longer had a shield against them.

As soon as we reached the house Joe and Melissa came out to help me in. I practically had to be carried. My body was at the point it could no longer move. They put me down on the bed and removed my clothes. Melissa and one of the other women cleaned my burns and cuts. I didn't speak a word. My jaw was clenched tightly shut. If I opened it for anything the screaming would start. And I didn't know if I would ever stop. They soon left me curled into a ball in the middle of the bed.

The voices kept getting louder. Taunting me. Reminding me. That I had taken their life without a thought of what they wanted. The women, the men and the children in their innocence begging for their very lives and I hadn't cared. Their fear an added pleasure to the kill. The ones I had tortured just for fun. To laugh at their pain. The lives of the two Slayers I had taken to prove how evil I was were there too. They circled at me. Louder and louder. The guilt tearing me apart.

My hands covered my ears in an attempt to stop them. But it didn't work. Then as I looked out at their sea of faces I saw them. The sources of my greatest guilt and regret. Buffy and Dawn. The terror in Dawn's eyes before I fell from the tower. The sight of Buffy's broken and lifeless body because I had failed to protect them. Buffy in my bed lying there bloody and bruised from my hand. The taste of Buffy's blood in my mouth. The two of them looked at me with such love in their eyes even though I had hurt them so. They didn't say a word but just stood amongst the others.

I now hated what I had done. I called out to them to leave me alone. That I was sorry. But they wouldn't stop. Their taunts of murderer and fiend kept coming at me.

Somehow I ended up on the floor trying to crawl away from them. But I couldn't get away. My tears began to fall as I kept chanting that I was sorry. Then in the time of the chants I began to bang my head against the floor. Hoping the pain from the blows would stop the voices in my head. But it didn't. Then I started to scream as my head continued to search for peace in the hardness of the floor.

Suddenly hands were there pulling me up. I struggled against them in an effort to get away. To continue my ritual. Soon another pair of hands joined the first after I heard Joe call for help. As the two of them held me still a glass was held to my lips. I turned from it.

"Drink it, Spike." And again it was there but still I refused it. The hands moved to hold my head still as Melissa tried to pour it into me.

"Spike, drink it. It will help you to sleep without nightmares." Somehow her soft and comforting voice reached me and I gulped the foul liquid down. Numbness began as it reached my stomach. The last thing I remembered was Melissa's hand wiping the blood from my face.

When I woke I didn't know what day it was. Or how long I had been with the demon or how long I had been asleep. The voices were quieter now just echoes of distant memories. As I looked down at myself I realized I had been out long enough for my body to heal. Outside the curtains it was dark and I listened to the sounds of the house. It must be getting late because there were only murmurs of voices. No television or radios playing. When I no longer heard any sounds I ventured from the room in search of blood.

The refrigerator was a huge commercial one because of the size of the household. I began to rummage through it in hopes of finding some.

"Top shelf on the right in the back." Melissa's voice was soft in the darkness. "We put it up there so the kids wouldn't get into it."

After locating it I turned for something to put it in. Melissa came further into the kitchen and found me a mug. After I poured some out she took it from me and put it into the microwave to warm. She gestured for me to take a seat on one of the stools at the kitchen's island. When the microwave beeped she brought the mug to me. Then took a seat across from me.

"Are you feeling better?"

I nodded my head as I started to drink.

"You had us a bit scared. We called Mr. Giles and he told us how to make that stuff for you to sleep."

"Thank you. I had me a bit scared too." I told her. Then I guess I needed a sympathetic ear and she seemed willing to listen so I told her about the voices. About the guilt.

She stayed and never said a word until I was done. When I had finished speaking she remained silent for a few moments. I didn't know if she now regretted who she had in her house or not.

"The demon that you went to. Many seek him and most are never seen again." Her fingers made lazy patterns across the counter as she talked. "Only those with pure motives survive. The ones who go for selfish gains are the ones who don't make it back." She looked up at me. Straight into my eyes. "Since you made it back we can only assume that your intentions were for good. And that good has a purpose for your life. We all have done things that we need to atone for. Forgive yourself and move on."

After she said that she told me goodnight and slipped from the room. Leaving me alone to ponder the past few days. In many ways I felt the same but yet different. Like a human coming down with a virus. I just felt strange. Me but not me. Things were clearer than before. The love I felt for those back home were now in bright color instead of dull monotone. Buffy was like a shining angel that beckoned to me. Just thinking of her smiling made me want to dance.

For the first time I understood her pain. The burden of all those lives depending on her. No wonder at times she wanted to run. And that leaving heaven tore her apart. To finally find relief then to have it taken away. It's a wonder she had survived at all.

I had always felt guilt when I had hurt the ones I cared about. Dru and Dawn and Buffy. For the ones I hadn't cared about it hadn't really mattered if I had hurt them. But now I know a lot of the guilt I had felt was because it had affected me. My happiness. Not necessarily because it hurt them. Now I knew the difference. The lines were clearly drawn.

But like Melissa said what was done was done. No matter what I felt it couldn't be undone. The only thing I could do was go on. Use the knowledge I had now to change for the better. To make the right choices. To atone.

Title: Baby Did A Bad Thing

Author: Mrs Muir

Rating: NC-17

Disclaimer: All things BtVS belong to Joss Whedon, UPN or Fox. All song lyrics belong to their owners.

Authors Note: I messed with a few things again. I apologize in advance if this has offended anyone.

Chapter 24 - I Want to Know What Love Is

I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when I'm older
Now this mountain I must climb
Feels like a world upon my shoulders
Through the clouds I see love shine
It keeps me warm, as life grows colder
In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
Foreigner

It was time to go home. To leave this temporary sanctuary I had found. They needed to be able to live their lives like they did before the melancholy vampire showed up at their door. I traveled back to California pretty much the same way I had gotten there. The Guardians arranged my passage with an art shipment. The closer I got to home the more the panic set in. My emotions had been traveling the spectrum. Sometimes the voices returned to haunt me. Other times I just didn't know who I was. How I was supposed to act. Common sense told me to just be who I was. Who I had been before. But then I begin to think of being the smart-ass pain I had been and the guilt would be there.

The plane got into Los Angeles late in the afternoon. Fortunately, I was able to get into the airport under a covered walkway. I wandered through the terminal looking for a pay phone. Spotting a row of them I made my way toward them and dialed Giles.

"Hello." His voice came through the line sounding like home.

"It's Spike. I'm in LA."

He asked me how I was then offered to pick me up. I told him I was fine but refused his offer for a ride. I told him I needed more time before facing everyone and that I would contact him when I had a number to give him. Our conversation was short and to the point. I wasn't ready to talk to anyone yet.

I waited until the cover of darkness and headed out. Hitched a ride with a woman who was looking for a good time. She gave me a ride all the way to my destination. When I got out of the car she tried to give me her phone number. I refused and told her to go home before she got hurt. She looked at me like I was crazy. I felt crazy. Trying to protect total strangers was a laugh coming from Spike.

I stood on the sidewalk and looked up. The Hyperion Hotel loomed above me. I had come to the home of the one creature in the entire world that knew what I was going through. To seek guidance from him while I worked my way through this. My anger and dislike of Angel hadn't gone anywhere but he was the only one that I knew that had already been where I was now.

As soon as I walked through the door they surrounded me instantly. The only two I recognized were Angel and Cordelia. The others I had heard about from Willow and Xander. So, it wasn't hard to figure out who was who. Wesley, Gunn, Fred and Lorne. I laughed as they stood around me. Angel threateningly stepped closer to me.

"What the hell do you think you are doing here? Have a death wish?" He asked me.

"No, Peaches, I thought I would drop in and we could discuss old times." And I guess the old me was still hiding in there somewhere. "Discuss why I am the better man for Buffy and all that."

He walked forward and grabbed me by the front of my shirt.

"Give me one reason not to stake you here and now." He growled and I was surprised he hadn't gone into game face.

"Because, old buddy, I now have a soul."

He slowly let go of me and took a step back. The look of shock on his face was priceless. I looked around at the others. They were all waiting for a sign from Angel.

"You're lying."

I love it when I can get something over on him. It was so good I could feel the smirk on my face.

"Nope. Call Giles. He'll confirm it."

Angel looked over at Cordelia.

"Call him. Find out."

She quickly moved behind the desk and began dialing. While she spoke with Giles, Angel and I just stood there staring each other down. Then Cordelia called to Angel saying that Giles wanted to speak with him. After he hung up the phone he made his way back to us.

"Giles confirmed what you said. That you went to get a soul so you can be one of the good guys." He gave me one of those goofy looks he does when he is trying to intimidate you. "Not that I can see you being a hero."

The others began to relax as Angel talked to me. Angel told me that Giles had asked him to help me out. And he had reluctantly agreed. It appeared that I had the temporary shelter that I was seeking. He started to walk up the stairs then stopped so I could catch up with him. As we began the ascent up the stairs he laid his arm across my shoulders.

"How is the guilt treating you?" His sarcasm was evident as he asked.

"Could no way compare to what you went through. You were the ultimate evil. Oh, yeah, still are with the little games you were playing in Sunnydale."

He laughed at me. But there would come a day when he would have to apologize for what he tried to do with Buffy and me. He had hurt her and that I couldn't forgive. But for now I would let it go. But the time would come when we would have to come to an understanding.

I was given a room a few doors down from him. Probably so he could keep an eye on me. It was a bit filthy. He told me if I wanted it clean I could do it myself. The guy just couldn't be nice and giving just once. Cordelia showed me where I could find the cleaning supplies. She and Fred ended up helping me get it habitable.

I settled into life at the Hyperion. Giles sent me a care package with some clothes and my bankcard so I could get cash. Most of the time I stayed in my room reading or watching television. Watching the days drift by.

Cordy and Fred dragged me out one night to go shopping. They told me that if I was going to eventually go back to Sunnydale and a life with Buffy that I needed to lose the all black look. I gently reminded them that Angel stayed that way. They shook their heads and asked if I wanted to be Angel. That did it. I went shopping. Cordelia definitely had a sense of style and what would look good. I ended up looking like a walking advertisement for Structure. Blue jeans and pullover sweaters. Denim shirts. I even ended up with new boots. Complete new wardrobe. Now not only did I not feel like me I didn't even look like me.

The other guys had the audacity to laugh at me when my new duds were shown. Told me I was whipped. I just laughed at them and told them their day was coming.

After I had been there for a while Cordelia called to me one afternoon and said Giles was holding on the phone for me. I had called and spoken to him a few times since I had been there. This was the first time he had called me and I was afraid something was wrong with Buffy or Dawn.

"Hello, Giles, is everything okay?"

"Yes, everything is fine. I just needed to let you know about something."

"What? Buffy…"

"She's fine. We came to a decision and felt that you needed to know. I told her that I have spoken to you and I knew where you were. She asked me to call." He was vague and was scaring me. My first thought was that she had decided that she didn't want me in her life anymore. That she didn't want me to come back. I had waited too long. I fell into the chair behind me as my mind went racing through this horrible nightmare.

"Spike, are you still there?" He asked me jarring me from my imagination.

"Yeah."

"It' s about Dawn."

"You're calling me about Dawn." Relief swept through me that Buffy wasn't dumping me. Then another kind of panic set in. He had said everything was okay. "What about Dawn?"

"I'm adopting her." He waited for his words to register with me before continuing. "It wasn't an easy decision but one we all feel is for the best."

"And how is you taking Dawn away from Buffy good for either of them?"

"The three of us came to the decision together. Believe me being the instant full time father of a sixteen year old girl was not in my plans." He gave a shaky laugh. It had to be hard for him but then why was he doing it.

"So, why do it?"

He began to explain the reasons they had decided on this. According to Social Services Buffy would have to be in therapy and doing all the other stipulations stated for at least six months before she could have unsupervised day visits with Dawn. Another few months of this before they could have weekends. And another six months probably before they would give her guardianship again. By this time Dawn would be almost eighteen.

The adoption could be put through within two months. By the beginning of August Dawn would be settled permanently with Giles. Without having Doris Kroger on their backs. The judge would assign another worker to them for a few months to make sure everything was okay. And by Christmas the state would be out of our business.

Buffy wouldn't feel pressured to hurry through therapy. She wouldn't have to constantly be under a microscope from the state. And when I got back we wouldn't have to hide our relationship. Dawn and Buffy could see other whenever they wanted. Buffy would be able to come to the house as much as she liked. The Scoobies could socialize with everyone and nobody would have to be left out.

When he put it like that it did make sense. Giles was a good man who loved both of them and was willing to make sacrifices to keep things going. The only hitch was their biological father. They put advertisements in the newspaper where he was last known to be stating that Dawn would be adopted unless he protested. They had to leave it in for six weeks and pray that he didn't respond. He hadn't sent a child support check in almost a year. And they hadn't heard from him in at least that long. We just had to keep our fingers crossed that he wouldn't see it and come back to mess things up.

At the end of the conversation he told me to call Buffy. She was hurt that I hadn't contacted her. He still hadn't told her that I had a soul now. He said it was my business to do so. Angel and the others had been sworn to secrecy too. I told him that I would call her soon. And hung up the phone.

I leaned forward burying my face in my hands. Told myself to pick up the phone and call her. That it would be all right. This was Buffy. She loved me. No, she loved unsouled Spike. What if she didn't like me like this? I should have talked to her before doing it. But it was my decision. This was what I wanted for my life. Now I was too afraid to face my life with a soul. What if I didn't love her anymore? What if they didn't accept me? What if I couldn't live up to my expectations much less theirs?

I heard someone walk into the room. Moving my hands I saw it was Angel. The last person I wanted to deal with at the moment. His suggestion would be to move far, far away. To leave Buffy. Don't know why he sodding cared since he was with Cordelia now. Why hang onto an old love that you couldn't have anymore?

"Look, I don't like you. Never have actually." Nice start. We would probably end up kicking each other's asses all over the place. "Probably never will. But Cordy says I have to play nice. So, I am putting up with you."

I laughed at his little speech. What was he going to do? Ask me for rent.

"I am only going to say this once. And I will deny that I ever did say it." He reached for the phone's receiver and handed it to me. "Call her."

And with that he turned around and walked out. My jaw dropped open. The bastard had to have gone soft somehow. But then I turned my attention to the phone. I ordered my shaking fingers to dial the number Giles had given me. When it started ringing I almost hung up. My stomach twisted in nervousness.

"Hello." It was her voice. I imagined her standing there holding the phone to her ear. As beautiful as always. A tear made it's way down my cheek.

"Hello." This time her voice sounded annoyed. I was just sitting there breathing at her. There was a noise and I knew she was getting ready to hang up.

"Buffy, don't hang up." My voice cracked as I called to her.

"Spike? Is that you?" She sounded happy to hear from me. But afraid like maybe she hadn't heard the voice right.

"Yeah, baby, it's me."

It had been over a month since I had spoken to her. The day she had walked out of the crypt. Neither one of us was the person we had been that day.

"How are you? Where are you? Are you home? When can I see you?" Her questions tumbled out of her one after another. I laughed at her obvious eagerness to see me.

"I miss you too." She laughed then. It was going to be okay. "Buffy, I am in Los Angeles. Staying with your old friend."

"Angel?" Poor girl was really confused now. That would be the last place she would ever expect me to be.

"Yeah, Angel." I stood up and closed the door so I could have a little privacy. "It's…I've got something to tell you. And when you hear it you'll understand why I'm here."

"Are you okay?" There was a trace of fear in her words.

"I'm fine. Just different." Just say it. Tell her. "Buffy, I went to Africa." There was a gasp on the other end of the line. "I went to get a soul."

"A soul?" Then silence. A very long silence. I sighed. "Did you succeed?"

"Yeah." I wish I could see her face. Be holding her. This had been a mistake. I should have just taken my ass home and let things fall where they may.

"Oh." Then more silence.

I told her I was sorry that I hadn't called yet. That I just needed time to figure things out.

"When are you coming home?" She sounded a little lost.

The coward told her that I would be home soon. Then I brought up Dawn's adoption and we talked about that. She sounded comfortable with the whole idea. That it was better that Dawn be secure with Giles instead of always looking over her shoulder for the state to take her away. She filled me in on her therapy. That it was going well. At first things had overwhelmed her and she had slipped a couple of times. Reverting back to cutting. The pressure of everything changing and not having me there to make it better had gotten to her. But it had been weeks since an incident she told me proudly.

Maybe it had been good that I hadn't gone back. That I wasn't there for her to lean on. She had to learn to be on her own. Confident in her own strength to handle things. If things were to work between us we had to be partners. I couldn't be her crutch. She said her new job was good. That she felt better about herself working there.

We didn't talk anymore about my getting a soul. I think she just needed to absorb it. To realize that it had actually happened. Then the questions would fly. I had to get the answers myself before this time.

It was time to get down to business and figure out was going on. So, that I could get on with my life with Buffy. I went in search of Angel. Told him that I needed to talk to him. He agreed and we went back into his office. I plied him with questions about him getting a soul. His feelings about it. How he had come out of it. It almost killed me when he said that it was falling in love with Buffy and his desire to help her. We talked for hours. By the end I realized that I needed to decide what I wanted to do. Away from Buffy. So she wouldn't feel that everything depended on her. I refused to place that kind of burden on her.

I had to have a definite purpose when I returned to Sunnydale. Not just counting the hours until I saw her. Now, I just needed to figure out what I wanted.

Title: Baby Did A Bad Thing

Author: Mrs Muir

Rating: NC-17

Disclaimer: All things BtVS belong to Joss Whedon, UPN or Fox. All song lyrics belong to their owners.

Chapter 25 - If I Were A Carpenter

If I were a carpenter and you were a lady
Would you marry me anyway
Would you have my baby
If a tinker was my trade would you still find me
Carrying the pots I made
Following behind me
Save my love thru loneliness
Save my love for sorrow
I've give you my onliness
Come and give me your tomorrow
If I worked my hands in wood
Would you still love me
Answer me babe yes I would
I put you above me
If I were a miller and a mill wheel grinding
Would you miss your colored blouse
Your soft shoes shining
If I were a carpenter and you were a lady
Would you marry me anyway
Would you have my baby
I'm a carpenter, just a carpenter
Hardin

I had talked to everybody at this point. Buffy. Angel. I could either stay in my little fog of confusion or began to move forward. Ever since I had gotten my soul I had been concerned with me. Not really seeing the people and things around me. The days and nights had blended into an endless stream of overlapping moments. None really distinguishable from another. I followed Angel from the office and out into the lobby of the hotel.

"So, the two of you have decided to join us?" Cordelia asked as we came out. Angel wandered over to her and gently kissed her on the cheek. Asked her if she was feeling neglected.

"No, but your son is. He thought his Daddy had left him." She looked over at the bassinet by her desk. Angel went over to pick up Connor holding him close. Cooing to him. Sometimes watching the two of them together made me queasy. A warrior reduced to a big pile of mush over someone who didn't weigh much more than a sack of potatoes. They kept trying to get me to hold him and so far I had avoided it. He was cute and everything. But babies? Not my style.

I was leaning with my hip on the front desk when Angel approached me. Connor in his arms. I stood straight up and backed away.

"Spike, quit moving. Hold him. You want to discover what makes life worth living? The differences the soul can have in your feelings. Hold him."

He started to hand him to me. I didn't know what the hell to do. Run. Is what my mind kept screaming at me. Fred came over and took the baby from Angel. Relief went through me. But not for long as she turned to me.

"Hold your arms out. You have to support his head and back." As my hands moved around him she instructed me what to do. "Hold him close to you so he feels secure."

Then he was there. Nestled close to me. He looked straight up into my eyes. I shifted him to one arm so I could touch him. Curiosity was pretty much the only thing I was feeling at the moment. This was the first time that I had ever held a baby this way. I ran a finger down the side of his face. Feeling the softness of his skin. He smelled good. Innocent. As my finger moved down his body his little hand wrapped around it. Squeezing it. That did it. He moved something deep inside of me. The next I knew I was making ridiculous talk with an infant.

"That's the difference. You find love. And it's for them not for you." Angel spoke softly to me. He was right. This tiny being was making me feel. Since the soul it had become easier to care. I had killed and fed from entire families before. Now the thought sickened me. There was a fierce protective feeling moving through me. If I was alone with this child and someone wanted to hurt him. They would have to come though me.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up to find Cordelia there.

"It's his bedtime."

She took him from my arms and moved to go upstairs. Somehow I felt empty as I watched her go. Then I broke for the first time since I had been there. I sank to the floor with my back to the front desk. Angel came and sat beside me. He never touched me. But a presence to let me know that I wasn't alone. The voices had haunted me and made me feel guilty. Making me know the wrongness of what I had done. Now I felt it emotionally. Talking to Giles and Buffy reminding me of where I should be. Angel's tale of his guilt and hurt. Holding Connor. It broke through the wall of defense I had built. And it hurt like a bitch.

Fred came to sit on the other side of me. Reaching out to hold my hand as the storm raged within me. To forgive myself was what I needed to do. Melissa had told me that and then to move on. I had heard her but didn't know how. So, I had shut down instead. Allowing numbness to take over. Pushing away what I needed. Finally I started to move beyond the tears.

"Angel, I don't know what to do. How do I do it? It's all in my head. But I don't know how to connect everything. My heart, my head, the soul and the demon. I feel split in four." I asked him for the first time from my heart.

"It takes time. I still don't have a complete handle on it. You just have to let your heart and soul lead the way." Angel made it sound so simple and it wasn't. There was no way it was simple. The soul seemed like a separate entity inhabiting my body. I had to find a way to integrate myself into one whole being.

"Have you tried meditation?" It was Cordelia returning from tucking Conner into bed. She came to sit cross-legged in front of me.

"Me? Sitting around with my legs all twisted. Chanting. I don't think so." Not something that I was even interested in.

"It might help. Help you to reach down inside yourself and listen to everything." She explained gently to me.

"That's what I am trying to avoid. To listen to myself. The voices aren't very nice."

Cordy screwed up her face letting me know that she didn't appreciate my lack of enthusiasm for her suggestion.

Just then Wesley and Gunn came barreling through the doors. They had heard from one of their sources that there was a gang of vampires on their way to a nightclub. They had returned for some backup. Angel quickly stood and headed for the weapon cache. I followed right behind him.

"Where do you think you are going?" Angel directed his question to me.

"With you. Sounds like you could use a little help fighting and that I am good at." I was going with them whether he liked it or not.

"It might not hurt to have him along." Wesley chipped in for my side.

"All right but you do anything to endanger any of us and you're out." Angel reluctantly agreed to let me ride along.

Fred and Cordelia stayed behind at the hotel. They felt they were needed but Lorne was out and Angel asked them to stay with Conner. The four of us got into Angel's car and headed out. Gunn and Wesley briefed us on what they had heard and then gave me a lecture on protocol. Like to follow their lead. Not to be impetuous.

Once we reached the nightclub I followed them in. Living in Sunnydale the last couple of years I had forgotten how these places could be. The extremely loud music, the bright lights and the total crush of bodies everywhere. The Bronze in no way could compare to a place like this. I could hear the heartbeats around me. The blood rushing through their veins calling out to me. The smell of sweat and sex everywhere. It was intoxicating. The demon was making his call. I guess I froze because I felt Gunn push me to follow the others. Trying to focus I followed them into the crowd.

Then we could feel them. Five of them moving around the perimeters searching for victims. Angel gave us signals on which way to go. We moved out stalking them. One of them was leading a girl toward the back of the club. Into the darkness. I stayed out in the open as Angel followed the pair. The rest of them realized that he was there and following one of their own. The vampires followed Angel. So, the three of us took off after them. By this time we had a little parade going through the throng. As we reached the edge of the darkened corner the girl came running out brushing past all of us. Then Angel appeared. He stopped when he saw us following the remaining vamps.

One turned around and punched Wesley. That was it. We started fighting pushing them into the dark away from everyone. It felt good to let loose again. It had been a while now since I had released this kind of energy. All too soon they were all dust and it was over. The exhilaration was still coursing through me. I needed more. Something to release these feelings. I needed some more demons to fight. Or to make love to Buffy.

That was when I realized I could look the whole world over. Try to be whoever I thought I should be now that I had a soul. But my destiny and fate was already etched in stone. My life was in Sunnydale. Loving Buffy. And fighting alongside her and the Scoobies.

Away from her I was only half a being. Wherever she happened to be was where I should be. It had been too long. For both of us. Even if there were still things to work out. I needed to be home.

As we made our way back to the Hyperion they discussed the vampires and if they could be part of a bigger gang. I didn't really participate. It wasn't going to be my business soon. But it was kind of like being home. With them talking about research and doing some patrolling to find out about these vamps. It made the ache even stronger to go home.

They were still discussing the vampires when we got back. I followed them in hanging back a little wondering how to let them know I was going home. Once I got through the door Cordelia told me that Dawn had called. And she sounded upset. I headed toward Angel's office again closing the door behind me. She answered on the first ring and whispered hello.

"I take it that you shouldn't be on the phone?" One of these days the girl was going to have to start behaving.

Then I heard Giles calling to her. Asking her who was on the phone. She yelled at him that it was a wrong number. The next sound was that of her door closing. Her voice came to me angry and hurt.

"Spike, I am so pissed off at you."

"And why would that be, Lil' Bit?" She wasn't even supposed to know where I was. I should be upset with her not the other way around.

"Because you didn't tell me. Me! The one who has been your friend all this time? The one who has stuck up for you? I had to find out by eavesdropping on Giles and Buffy."

Ahh, it was the soul thing.

"And didn't anyone ever tell you that eavesdropping was bad. That you never hear what you want to hear or hear things you shouldn't." Just had to tease her a little. I wasn't really mad at her. She had to find out soon enough. I would have preferred telling her myself. But it seemed the cat was out of the bag.

"This coming from the guy who helped me break into the Magic Box? Why didn't you tell me?" She was starting to whine.

"Because I needed some time to myself before I shared the information. But be happy no one else knows but Buffy and Giles." And then it hit me maybe they had told. "Hey, they didn't tell everyone did they?"

"Not that I know of. You mean I know something before the others. Cool!" She definitely had the teenage mood swing thing down to an art.

"So, when are you coming home?"

"Soon. I promise." I didn't want to tell her that I was ready to come home now. There were arrangements to be made. And I wanted Buffy to be surprised.

"Hurry. Okay?

We only talked for a few more minutes. She was afraid that Giles was going to find her on the phone and she didn't want to get into trouble again. I had spent more time on the phone today then I ever had. Today had been one thing after another. One conversation after another. One discovery after another. And I was exhausted from everything that had happened. Tomorrow would be soon enough to go home. Give me time to pack everything up. Talk to Giles and figure out how I was going to get back.

Tomorrow I would be back with Buffy and home where I belonged. Standing I made my way to the lobby. I heard voices and figured the others were still having a meeting. My mind was so full that I didn't try to make out what they were saying. I looked up and saw her.

Buffy. She was here. Standing there in the lobby. I froze and stared. My mind must have snapped somewhere and I was suffering from delusions. She turned to me and smiled. It took only a moment before she was in my arms. Real and warm. Stunned would not even cover the feelings in me. I squeezed her tighter to make sure that she was really there. And she was.

"What are you doing here?" I asked her without letting go. She shifted so that she could look at me.

"I came to bring you home."

Title: Baby Did A Bad Thing

Author: Mrs Muir

Rating: NC-17

Disclaimer: All things BtVS belong Joss Whedon, UPN or Fox. All song lyrics belong to their owners.

Chapter 26 - I Drove All Night

I had to escape
The city was sticky and cruel
Maybe I should have called you first
But I was dying to get to you
I was dreaming while I drove
The long straight road ahead, uh, huh
Could taste your sweet kisses
Your arms open wide
This fever for you is just burning me up inside
What in this world
Keeps us from tearing apart
No matter where I go I hear
The beating of your heart
I think about you
When the night is cold and dark
No one can move me
The way that you do
Nothing erases this feeling between me and you
I drove all night to get to you
Is that alright
I drove all night
Crept in your room
Woke you from your sleep
To make love to you
Is that alright
Cyndi Lauper

"You did what?"

I couldn't believe she was here. Much less believe that she had come to bring me home like she had said. It had to be a beautiful dream and someone was going to wake me any second.

"I came to bring you home." She repeated.

Her eyes shined up at me while her hands rested on the front of my shirt. She was just a fraction away from my body but I needed her closer than that. Pulled her to me so that I could feel her heartbeat against me. Feel the gentle softness of her breath against my neck while the scent of her hair teased my nostrils. My hands moved down her back to rest against the curve of her hips.

It was one of those moments frozen in time. Forever etched in your heart. That somewhere years or even decades in the future, you remember each detail in startling clarity. This was almost as strong as her first declaration of love. She had reached out to me letting the world know that we belonged together.

Her arms tightened around me. A gentle kiss to my cheek and she stepped back again. Reality slipped back in. The people and the room were coming back into focus. Her hands slid down my arms to take my hands in hers.

Angel cleared his throat to get our attention. We both turned to look at him.

"You planning on leaving tonight?' We looked back at each other and then turned back to him.

"Why?' I honestly hadn't gotten to thinking yet. So far it had only been an overwhelming rush of emotions.

"Well, it's just that's it's almost midnight and Sunnydale is a long drive. Why doesn't Buffy spend the night here? There's a spare room that's clean upstairs."

I interrupted him with a snort. Like hell. If Buffy was staying the night it was going to be with me.

I just got a dirty look from him. And amused looks from pretty much everybody else. Except Buffy whose cheeks colored just a little.

Angel ignored the meaning of my interruption.

"That way Buffy can meet Connor tomorrow. And she'll have time to visit with everybody." He continued looking at her. Not me.

An uneasy feeling shot through me. Something that told me to go pack and leave tonight.

"Oh, can I see him tonight? I won't wake him. I promise."

Angel gave her the proud Daddy look and led her upstairs to see Connor. I ran a hand though my hair and over my face. Wesley said goodnight at this point. Said he would be back in the morning. Lorne headed upstairs to his room. Fred and Gunn went into one of the offices to look something up. Leaving Cordelia and I in the lobby. We looked at each other with the same thought in our minds. The frustrated ex-lovers were upstairs with his baby. It didn't take any time at all to follow them up. I don't think either one of us was really worried about anything happening. But sometimes you just didn't leave things to chance.

When we slipped into his suite Buffy was on one side of the crib and Angel on the other. She ran a finger over Connor's hair. Whispering she told Angel how cute he was. A look of awe on her features. They both turned to look at us as we came over. I stepped next to Buffy and placed a hand on her lower back. Move of possession I know. But the broody guy didn't like us together and I wasn't going to step back for him.

She moved to lean against me. Her head resting against my chin. Good girl. I looked over at Angel and he was giving me one of his 'I hate you' looks. Cordy looked at him then to me. Her hand reached out and took one of his hands. He looked down at her and his face changed. Like the bad feelings just melted away leaving a look of contentment. It wasn't that he still wanted Buffy but that he didn't want me with her. I wasn't good enough to fill his incapable shoes.

Buffy picked up on the vibes going on around us. She straightened up and looked at all of us. But the tension had already begun to melt away. Out of the blue Buffy's stomach rumbled loudly and we all laughed.

"Sorry. I haven't eaten since this morning." She explained laughingly then when she realized it was past midnight she added. "Yesterday morning."

"Why not?" I asked her. Just checking to make sure everything was okay.

"Well, when I got home from work and running a few errands. I got a phone call from this vampire that left me horribly lonely. Called Giles to get advice. Called Xander to get directions. And drove down here. Voila, no time for food."

She smiled up at me then turned to Angel.

"Any food around this place?'

Cordelia laughed.

"Only if you like blood or formula."

"Oh." Poor Buffy sounded disappointed.

I told her that there was an all night diner around the corner and we could go there to get her something. She quickly agreed. Around this time we decided that she would stay the night and we would leave tomorrow evening when it got dark. At this point my earlier premonition had been forgotten.

On the way out we stopped in to see if Fred and Gunn wanted to go with us. They declined like Angel and Cordelia had. I really wanted to be alone with her anyway. When we headed out to the car she handed me the keys. As I drove she cuddled against me. A hand rested on my thigh. Her fingers softly caressed my leg through my jeans.

We sat next to each other in a corner booth. Our legs pressed together. My arm rested on the back of the seat behind her. She ordered this huge breakfast of pancakes, bacon, eggs, hash browns and orange juice. The waitress smiled at us. We must have looked like honeymooners or something.

We started talking to each other. About Angel. Connor. The others in LA. Giles. Dawn. The others in Sunnydale. Between sentences and words we kissed. Just quick kisses. But giving promises of later. When we were back at the hotel.

Once her breakfast came she turned her attention away from me. Her hunger for food stronger than her hunger for me at the moment. I leaned with my back against the wall and watched her eat. She looked really cute tonight. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail. She was wearing a white hooded sweater with a zipper up the front. And a long denim skirt. A California girl. Beautiful sunshine. My fingers reached out to twirl her hair around my hand.

She reached over to kiss me. Her tongue darted quickly into my mouth. Tasting of syrup. Sweet. Then she turned back to her breakfast. Once again we had talked about everything but my soul. A curious thought. She was with me and still hadn't asked. I suddenly wanted a cigarette. It was like my thinking thing. But Angel had told me I couldn't smoke in the hotel because of Connor so I had pretty much quit. Didn't even have any with me.

Leaning my head against the wall I closed my eyes. It was probably nothing. As far as she could tell there hadn't been a change in me. The only visible change was my new clothes which she hadn't commented on either. Maybe she didn't feel there was anything to ask about. It had to be that. Her hand came to rest against my cheek. My eyes opened to see her looking at me with concern in her eyes.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, Baby. It's nothing." I smiled weakly at her. Trying to dispel both of our feelings.

"You sure?"

I nodded my head. She had finished eating so we paid for her food and headed back to the hotel. This time as I drove she started to kiss my neck. Sucking on my ear lobe. Her hand moved aggressively against my leg. Her fingers kneaded deeply into my flesh.

"Hold on, pet. We'll be there soon."

"Now." Her tongue traced my jaw line and her hand came up to start undoing the buttons on my shirt. I speeded the car up as she shifted to her knees to give her better access.

"Buffy, come on." I was cut off as her hand slipped between my legs. A groan came unbidden from my throat. Then her attention turned back to my shirt. As I pulled over to park the car outside the Hyperion her fingers were caressing my bare stomach. Her lips kissed the side of my mouth. I threw the car into park and turned the ignition off turning to her in the same instant. My mouth closed in on hers. My tongue divided her lips seeking the comfort of hers. They did battle to find out who was needier.

Her fingers moved through my hair to pull me closer to her. Soft mewling sounds came from the back of her throat. I finally pulled away from her and reached for the door handle.

"No. Now." She rose up to start crawling into the back seat. I glanced uneasily at the hotel.

"Let's go in."

She stopped and rested back on her knees.

"Don't you want to be with me?"

Her voice was full of insecurity.

I reached over taking her hand. Moving it to rest on my erection. I felt like if I got any harder I would explode from the pressure.

"Does that feel like I don't want to be with you?"

Another thought crossed my mind.

"Is it okay for us to do this? I mean this was a problem for us."

Her hand continued to cup me. Pressing against me. Her lips sought mine again.

"Yes, it's okay." She said against my mouth then kissed me quickly. "I talked to Sara. And she said it's the motivation. If it's just to get laid or to escape from something not to do it."

Her lips covered mine again.

Ending the kiss I asked her. "You talked to your therapist about this?"

"Yes, she says we are like bunnies." She giggled and then leaned in to kiss me again. "But I told her that being without you is like my skin being raw. And only you against me can make me feel better." A kiss again. "I love the way your coolness feels against my overheated body. The way you make me feel. The way your body slowly warms up the longer we are together."

Our mouths fused together and without breaking contact we ended up in the back seat. Her lying beneath me. Any doubts I had about place or reason was lost in her words. Buffy was always vocal during sex. But she never talked like that. And it was taking me over the edge. Moving from her mouth to her neck I rained kisses on her. Licking and sucking at her flesh. She moaned loudly. The sound rumbled through her chest. My hand closed in on the zipper of her shirt and began to move it down.

"Talk to me, Buffy." I mumbled against her breast as I took her nipple into my mouth through her clothes.

She arched up against me as I nipped at her. My hand moved to her other breast as I brushed her shirt aside.

"Yes, that's it. It feels good. I've missed you so much, Spike." Her head was rolling back and forth against the seat. I ground myself against her hip making her whimper in need.

Footsteps. Somehow the sound reached through my Buffy fogged mind. Someone was walking this way. I quickly pulled back covering her with her shirt again. Then laying on her I whispered that someone was coming.

That someone knocked on the window. It was Gunn. I turned my head to look out. He wasn't looking in. He was facing the other way.

"It's none of my business what you are doing in there. But Angel was looking out the window and saw you pull up. And asked me on my way out to stop and check to make sure you were okay. If you all don't come in soon, he will most likely come out to check on you himself."

With that he moved away and left us alone. I sighed and buried my face against her. Her hand idly running through my hair. I pulled myself to my knees and opened the car door. After I had crawled out of the car I took her hand and helped her out. She reached into the front seat grabbing my duster and handed it to me. I slipped it on to cover myself. Didn't know if he would be standing inside the door or not. Then she moved to the trunk and pulled out a gym bag. She told me she always carried extra clothes with her. As we headed toward the front door I saw it. The wetness from my mouth had soaked the front of her shirt. I laughed and as she turned to look at me I pointed down. She smiled when she saw it. We traded. She got the duster and I carried the bag in front of me.

We didn't see anyone on the way to my room. But as we passed Angel's suite the door was propped open just a crack.

"Angel, we are in and we are fine. Going to bed now." I said as we walked by. She started giggling and I hurried our pace to my room. Pulling her in I threw the bag down on the floor as I turned to shut the door. Then backed her up against it. I smiled down at her before I gently kissed her. Soft and loving. My hands moved the duster back from her shoulders. Her leaning forward just enough for me to pull it off of her. It landed in the vicinity of the bag. I pulled my still unbuttoned shirt off letting it land wherever.

"I love you." She whispered against my mouth.

I started to move her skirt up toward her hips. She took a small jump to wrap her legs around my waist. Moving against me. I turned still holding her and somehow got us to the bed. We fell in a jumble of arms and legs. Our mouths kissing whatever flesh we could reach. After pulling the zipper down on her shirt again I opened it wide. As I unclasped her bra her breasts tumbled free for my hands to hold. Her hands moved to my jeans. Undoing my belt and unzipping my pants she moved to pull them down over my hips. I rose up to help bring them down my legs. Lying back down next to her I used my feet to kick my boots off then my jeans. At this point the only thing I was wearing was my socks. I reached down to yank them off. Irritated by the time to get undressed. My cock twitched as her hand wrapped around it.

"Slow down, baby. It's not going to take long."

Buffy turned to push me on my back smiling coyly up at me.

"Do you want me to take care of it for you?" She asked as she pulled her shirt and bra off tossing them aside.

I couldn't even speak. Just nodded my head. I almost lost it as her mouth closed around me. Taking me all in at once.

"Ohmigod, Buffy." I groaned wanting to hold her head down so she couldn't move. But it was her show. Instead I buried my hands in the covers.

Her tongue encircled the head then moved down to lick the vein on the underside. A hand came to cup my balls squeezing them gently as her mouth took me in again. My hips strained to get closer to her. Just as I was getting lost in the sensation she freed me.

"Buffy, don't stop." I opened my eyes to look at her. She was licking one of her fingers. What the hell was she up to? Her eyes met mine. Then slowly she came down until I was inside her mouth again. Her hand brushed softly against my balls again as her hand traveled lower. Her finger reached down to move against my anus.

"Oh, shit." I know I screamed it as she slowly inserted her finger into my ass. Her mouth and finger learning a rhythm as she did things she had never done before.

"What the hell have you been doing while I was gone?" I somehow managed to get the question out but as she moved to answer me I yelled at her not to stop. My hand tangled into her hair. I could almost feel her grin as she continued.

I was right at the edge when she pressed against just the right place. Her teeth softly scraping against my length as she did. I bucked up into her mouth as I came. Holding her there until I was completely empty. The warmth of her mouth milking me. When I was done she slowly untangled herself from me and went to the bathroom. After a minute or two she came back to crawl into bed with me. Losing her skirt and panties on the way. As she kissed me she tasted like toothpaste. I missed the sweetness of the syrup.

"So?"

"So, what?"

"What have you been doing while I've been gone?"

I leaned up on one elbow so I was above her. One finger moving down her forehead, down her nose, across her lips and down her neck. My eyes had been following my movements but I looked back up at her to wait for an answer. My finger continued their trek to her breast where the rest of my hand joined in to caress the soft mound.

"I finally got a chance to read those books."

She was referring to the books on sex she had bought when we first got together.

"Did you think about me when you read them?"

My fingers began to roll her engorged nipple between them.

"Uh-huh." She moaned moving closer so that our bodies were touching again.

"Did you get wet when you thought of me?'

She nodded her head.

"Tell me. Say it."

"Yes."

"Yes what?"

"Yes, I got wet when I thought of you."

Bending down I flicked her nipple with my tongue. My hand cupped her breast to bring it closer to my mouth.

"Did you touch yourself when you got wet?"

She didn't answer me. I glanced up at her. Her eyes were closed and there was a blush stained across her cheeks.

"I'll take that for a yes. So, what did you do?"

I moved my hand away from her swollen nub to bring it slowly down her belly. My fingers tickling her softly but she still wasn't saying anything. To try to get her to say something I started to talk to her about me.

"Did you know at night when I am alone my cock gets hard thinking of you?" I moved back up so that I was resting on my elbow again. I nuzzled my nose against her still flushed cheek. My hand rested against her. Not doing anything but cupping her. She wiggled against me. Trying to make me get closer to her.

"Not until you talk to me." Just to let her know the price of further pleasure. "I want to hear you say the words." She looked up at me shy and hesitant. But I knew with the right coaxing my girl would let loose. "When my cock gets hard I wrap my hand around it. My thumb running against the head just the way you do to please me."

I waited. And as she started to talk I had to suppress a grin so she wouldn't stop.

"I move my hand down my stomach. Pulling my shirt up so the fan blows across my….breasts." She hesitated as I slipped a finger between her folds. I stopped movement when her words stopped. Then started to caress her again as her words began to flow again. "Then I move my hands down again." Her voice got softer. "Sliding them under my panties."

When she faltered I told her to keep going. Encouraging her by telling her how turned on she was making me.

"So that I can feel myself. When my fingers are all wet. I take one out and circle my nipple with it."

The words she was saying was driving me crazy. Imagining her alone in her bed bringing herself pleasure. My fingers slid through her wet heat to find the center of her.

"I use one finger and circle myself. Wishing it was your tongue." As my finger followed her directions she moaned.

"Do you want my tongue on you?"

"Yes."

"What do you want?"

My hand had moved away from her heat to caress her hip while my mouth licked and sucked at her neck and ear lobe.

"Spike, use your tongue on me." She pleaded with me. Her hands pushing on my shoulders trying to drive me down her body. I followed her lead. Kissing her stomach. Flicking my tongue into her belly button I moved my body so that I could rest between her legs.

"Buffy?"

"Baby?" Her hands tangled in my hair pulling my face to her.

"Do you ever taste yourself when you are done?"

Pushing myself up so I could look at her. She was panting as her hips were writhing below me.

"You're torturing me." She complained softly to me when I didn't give her what she wanted.

"Do you?" I demanded an answer to my question.

"No."

I smiled at the answer I already knew because she was still innocent in so many ways. Giving her what she craved I buried my head between her legs. Doing the things that I knew drove her wild. Her panting and moaning were becoming louder as her hands kneaded at the bed. Then moved to clutch at my shoulders.

I shifted to slide back up her body. To look down into her passion filled eyes. She pulled her legs up so that her heels were resting against my hips.

"Guide me home." I commanded her urgently because my need to be joined with her was too strong.

She reached down in response to hold me gently as she drew me to the entry of her warmth. I moved forward just enough for the tip of my cock to enter her.

"Keep talking, Love." I whispered in her ear loving this new aspect of us being together. Talking to each other. Driving us further into the pleasure.

"Take me. I want you in me. Deep."

My lips moved to cover hers. I plunged into her heat at the same time my tongue possessed her mouth. Her tongue wrapped around mine sucking on it so she could taste herself on it. A soft sound of pleasure vibrated through her as her fingernails dug into my back.

I set a pace that would drive me as hard and as deep into her as I could with each thrust. Her legs wrapped around me holding me closer to her.

She started to grunt with the impact of me going so far into her. Worried that I was hurting her I started to slow down.

"No. Don't stop. Next time slow." Her teeth closed around my shoulder gently nipping at my skin. Harder and harder I drove into her. Her groans were getting louder and louder each time I plunged into her depths. I started to echo her. Egging her on. We alternated between grunts, groans and moans. The bed started to rock as I pushed myself to drive even further into her. The headboard bounced against the wall in rhythm with my movements.

"Need more." Her hands clamped down on my shoulders pushing me off of her body. I rose up on my hands drawing my knees up so that I wouldn't lose the momentum we had created. My eyes opened wide as her hand moved between us. Her fingers were seeking her clit. I looked up to look into her eyes. We didn't break eye contact as she started to stroke herself.

"Love you. Spike. Oh my God. I love you so much. Don't stop. You feel so good."

We were both pushing for her pleasure. Her other hand went up to cover her breast playing with her nipple.

I didn't know whether to feel inadequate or thank the heavens for it. Buffy had never touched herself like this in front of me. It was more of a turn on then I thought it could be. She must have read the expression on my face because she answered me.

"Not you. I want it so bad. To feel you fucking me so deep."

Then her head rolled back as she climaxed. Screaming my name. Thanking anyone who would listen. Buffy reached up to pull me back down to her. Cradling me against her. She convulsed around me as she rode out her orgasm. I slowed down so that I was barely moving in her.

Buffy rolled us over so that she was riding me. Leaning over me so that I could fill my hands with her breasts. She moved down to take all of me in then rising up so that I was barely in her before slamming down on me again.

It took only a few moments and I felt the spasm begin in my lower belly. I flipped us again so that I was on top of her. Holding her bottom in my hand I tilted her hips up so that I could empty myself as deep into her as possible. As my seed filled her she started to spasm around me again.

My head came to nestle against her chest as I collapsed against her. Still lying between her legs as they became untangled from my waist to sprawl next to me on the bed. I never wanted to move again. My body ached in places that I didn't know it could ache.

Slowly we started to come down from where we had been. Her heartbeat slowing to its normal pace again as her breath also slowed.

Then I heard him. Angel.

"They finally shut the fuck up. Where the hell did they think they were? An adult motel?"

I started laughing. Poor Angel had to listen to Buffy scream for me.

"What?"

"Angel heard us."

I knew she was embarrassed. He was her ex-boyfriend. Maybe Angel was right. We shouldn't have done it here disrespecting his home by having sex in it.

Then she giggled. Which grew into laughter.

"Next time we'll be quieter." She whispered to me.

"Next time?"

I raised my head moving up so that I could kiss her again. And, no, we weren't really quieter the next time. Or the next. But the way I looked at it the guy needed to know that he wasn't always the best. And revenge could be sweet sometimes especially when it wasn't intentional.

Chapter 27 - With or Without You

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you
With or without you
Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
My hands are tied
My body bruised, she's got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
U2

Morning was there before either of us was ready for it. It had been almost five before we went to sleep lying curled together in the middle of the bed. In the time that we had been together I had become accustomed to her next to me at night. Apart from her sleep had been elusive and fleeting. With her body beside mine I was able to fall into a deep for the first time in weeks. The last thing I had been aware of before drifting off was the sound of her sighing as she moved closer to me.

"Buffy?" Fred was calling to her. Waking us both from our dreams. Buffy groaned and rolled over onto her back.

"Yeah?" She responded while rubbing her eyes in an attempt to wake up.

Fred and Gunn were going to breakfast and wanted to know if Buffy wanted to join them. She looked up at me and asked if I minded if she went. I kissed her on the tip of her nose and told her to ahead. They agreed to meet in the lobby in twenty minutes. Buffy took a quick shower and came out to get clothes from her bag. After she had pulled on underwear and a pair of jeans she went over to my closet. She began to look through my shirts and sweaters.

I propped myself up on the pillows to watch her. She turned to look back at me once she realized I was gazing at her. A slow smile crossed her face that lit up her eyes.

"You don't mind if I borrow something do you?"

"Help yourself."

She continued to rummage until she settled on a white crew neck pullover sweater. It was a little big on her but as always she was beautiful. After rolling up the sleeves she came to sit on the side of the bed. I ran my hand over her back as she slipped into her sneakers.

"You have a lot of new clothes." It wasn't a question or even a conversation opener. It was a statement that resounded with disapproval.

"Yeah. You don't like them?"

One of those uneasy feeling curled in my gut again. It seemed like she didn't like my new look even though she was wearing a piece from it.

"They're nice. I guess I'm not used to you wearing anything but black." Buffy attempted to soften her words with another smile.

"Things have changed. Thought I should change with them. Be less evil looking."

"A regular white hat." She commented then leaned into kiss me good-bye. "I love you."

Then she was gone leaving me confused. There were pieces of a puzzle lying scattered about and I wasn't quite sure how to go about putting them together. They just weren't adding up quite right. Before anything became clear to me or fit together sleep overtook me again.

It was early afternoon before I woke again. Stumbled through a shower and getting dressed. My strength was depleted and I needed nourishment. Walking toward the stairs I heard voices coming from the lobby. For everybody to be there it had to be a slow day at Angel Investigations.

"So, Buffy, do you want babies?" It was Fred. Why was she asking her that? What kind of conversation were they having?

I went down another step or two so I could see what was going on. Buffy was holding Connor in her arms. Fred was sitting next to her playing with one of his feet.

"Babies are good. Aren't they, sweetie? Lots of babies are even better." She cooed to him leaning forward to kiss him on his forehead.

I could feel someone watching me and glanced up to see Angel looking at me in sympathy. This was why he had left her. To give her a chance to have all the things that normal women have. Marriage and babies, a big house, and Saturday little league games. Things she couldn't have being with a vampire. A piece of the puzzle dropped into place.

When I reached the bottom of the stairs I walked over to her and Connor. He was beginning to fuss a little. Cordelia said she was going to get his bottle and disappeared into Angel's office. I reached for Connor taking him from Buffy. Her eyes opened wide at me as I held him in my arms.

"You're hungry aren't you?" I started to jiggle him like I had seen the others do when he was fussy. Angel told me to put my finger in his mouth to quiet him down. As soon as I put my finger inside of his mouth he began to suck on it greedily. "It's not what you really want is it? But Uncle Spike still tastes good doesn't he?"

"Maybe he should just ask Aunt Buffy if you do." Cordelia sarcastically cooed when she returned with his bottle. I guess Angel wasn't the only one who heard us last night. I surrendered the baby to Cordelia's capable hands. Although Angel was adjusting to fatherhood I wasn't even sure if it was something that I wanted. As far as I knew it wasn't likely to happen so I had never stopped to think about it. Children had been like adults. Food.

Buffy was quiet as the conversation around us flowed. About the ongoing investigations and other business problems for them. I kept trying to catch her eye but she refused to meet mine. Deciding to change the pace I asked Cordelia if I could have some of the empty boxes that were piled in a hallway upstairs. She told me to help myself. After grabbing a couple I made my way back to my room. If Buffy wanted to ignore me then I would ignore her. Give her space. Once we were living together again things would get straightened out.

I started to pull clothes out of the closet and throwing them in the box when she finally came in to join me. Still quiet. She dumped the clothes out of the box out onto the bed. Then she started folding them and repacking them.

"What's going on?" I asked her as I put some more stuff on the bed.

She didn't say anything for a few moments. Stood frozen with her head bent a shirt in her hand.

"I don't know you anymore." Her voice forlorn as she ran her hands over the material she was holding.

"You don't want me to go back with you, do you?" It was becoming crystal clear that somewhere from the time she got up to now something had broken between us. What and how was something I still needed to figure out.

"Yes, I do." She looked over her shoulder at me. Her face told me she was lying as the tears gathered in her eyes.

"Where am I going to?" I had just figured when we got back together we would continue to live with one another. But I had never asked her.

She didn't answer me just shrugged her shoulders. When I didn't say anything she finally suggested a motel until we could me an apartment.

"No. I am not going to date you, Buffy." I switched to this nerdy falsetto voice. "Buffy, hello, it's me William and I was wondering if you aren't busy Saturday maybe we could go to a movie."

She smiled weakly at my attempt at sarcastic humor. But it wasn't a joke.

"That's bullshit. After everything we have been through I want to live with you."

She turned so she was sitting on the bed. Her hands clutched together on her lap. As the silence grew between us she started to wring them. Rubbing and clutching. This had all been a mistake. All of it. Last night. Today. She should never have come here if she wasn't ready. This was torture to have everything dangled in front of me just to have it yanked away again.

I turned and walked out. Anywhere that was away from her. Since it was the middle of the afternoon I couldn't leave the hotel. So, I started to walk through the halls. There were a lot of empty abandoned hallways to get lost in at the Hyperion. My mind started mulling over the things that happened since she had shown up. Not once had the future ever been discussed in any conversation we had. The closest to it had been that night in the rain. We had discussed our pasts and our feelings for each other. But never where we were going. It seems we had different expectations of our relationship. I wanted forever with her. It seemed she only wanted me around until she was ready for marriage and babies.

Every once in a while as I turned corners I could hear her call to me. Each time she called my name her voice became more desperate. Finally I couldn't take it anymore. I stood my ground and yelled out to her.

"You're a damn Slayer and you can't find one vampire in an enclosed building. That's pathetic."

It didn't take long before I turned down another hallway that she was there. Waiting. We stood and looked at each other. It was time.

"I love you, Spike." She sounded like she was trying to convince herself as much as me. "I just don't know you anymore. The new clothes and the hesitation to make love to me last night. And Fred couldn't stop talking about you this morning. About how much you have changed. How good you are now. Then you were holding Connor. My Spike would never have done that."

"You couldn't be bothered to ask just once about me getting a soul could you? Maybe if you had then all of this stuff wouldn't have been a surprise." I didn't want to have this conversation. Wanted to avoid this and get back to loving each other.

"I never asked you to do it. I loved you the way you were." When I reached for her she backed away from me. Pulling her arm away from my hand.

"I did it for us. For everybody. For me. It was something that I thought that you would want. This way I can be one of the good guys and you don't have to get a lot of flak for us being together. Like you did before." As much as I didn't want it to my voice was getting louder with each word. Like I could break through these walls with the sound. She backed away a few more steps. "This way we can love each other and fight together. Have a life together."

"And you'll fucking leave me like they did. That's what they said too. I love you, Buffy. We can fight the demons together, Buffy. But, no, they couldn't handle it and they left me alone. Damn you for this." She turned to run like she always did. I reached out and grabbed her. Wrapping my arms around her. She fought against me and I moved back against the wall. With my arms still around her I slid down the wall. When we hit the floor I wrapped my legs around her middle. Holding her to me.

"I'm not going anywhere, Summers. Ever. My place is with you. I love you."

That part of the puzzle was together. The good guys always left her. The bad boy had stayed with her even when she wasn't perfect. Now that I was one of the 'good guys' she was afraid I would leave her. Just like they did. But I knew my destiny and future was with her. For whatever time that fate gave us. I just needed to prove it to her. But the only sure way of doing that was with time.

I held her until she started to calm down. I kept whispering that I would always be there for her. No matter what. There wasn't any other place that I belonged. Or even wanted to be.

She shifted sideways until she could look at me.

"I'm so confused."

"I know."

"Are you still mine?" She wasn't asking if I still belonged to her. But if I was the one she had fallen in love with. That despite the changes I would basically be the same. If I were still the same as I was then I wouldn't leave her. She knew in her heart that the old Spike would always be there for her.

"Yeah. Couldn't you tell from last night?"

She smiled because she knew as well as I did that was one thing that would never change between us. No matter how bad everything else was. I ran my hand down her cheek and leaned forward to kiss her. Her lips clung to mine trying to find the chain that linked us together.

There was still one part of the puzzle that still needed to be put together. I hated to keep digging into things that would only hurt. But it was better to deal now instead of waiting until it was too late. And the pain would only be greater later.

"Buffy, where do you want us to go?"

"What do you mean?" There was confusion in her eyes as her brows knitted together.

"Us. Where do you see us in a few years?"

"Can't that take care of itself? Just enjoy what we have."

Buffy was avoiding. I knew her enough to know that she didn't want to live life moment to moment. She liked to have everything in her life defined. It was her way of feeling secure. She had to have thought of the future. Possible dreamed about it. What kind of life she wanted us to have.

I shook my head at her to let her know I wasn't buying it.

"Talk to me. Be honest."

She scooted away from me until she was leaning on the opposite wall. Her legs cross-legged in front of her. Her head was bent so she wouldn't have to look at me.

"Do you want marriage and babies?" I threw it out there when her silence continued. She was scared of being honest. Afraid of having her dreams trampled on again. That wasn't my intention.

"Doesn't everyone?" She asked me almost defiantly. The tears were slowly drifting down her face again. I wanted to hold her tell her everything would be okay. To say the hell with the future but I couldn't because we both needed to know where we stood.

"Not me." I said it as gently as I could. After looking at me in surprise she turned her head to look down the hallway. Any place but at me. A hand came to wipe the tears from her cheeks.

"You don't want to marry me?" Buffy sounded so wounded. I had done that to her because I loved her enough to want to be with her.

"I want to be with you. Always. But I am a vampire. Not the boy next door."

I couldn't look at her anymore. It was tearing me apart. I leaned my head against the wall and sighed. Was a fifteen minute ceremony worth hurting her over?

"Buffy, if it's what you want I will marry you. Go through the whole bloody ceremony." For her I would do anything. Except for what was out of my reach.

She looked up at me in surprise.

"But you just said you didn't want to."

"I'm a 130 year old vampire. I spent a century with another vampire. We never needed a ceremony."

"I'm not Drusilla." Her words were cold and biting as she cut me off. It was a way for her to remind me that she was a human. A girl that wanted what almost every girl wanted.

"Buffy, I was just trying to tell you that I can love you for a lifetime without it. But if it will make you happy then I will do it. Gladly. Without reservations."

She nodded her head. I don't think she fully understood it yet but at least my words had gotten through.

"Babies and children are something else." I knew this was going to hurt the most so I scooted across the floor toward her. Taking her hands I came to sit cross-legged in front of her. I tried to choose my words carefully because I wanted her to be able to accept the reality of our situation.

"It's very rare for a vampire to be able to impregnate a woman. It's been known to happen but not very often." I stopped for a moment for my words to sink in. "And even if it happens there are things I will never be able to do." I hesitated as a sob caught in my throat. The more that a little Buffy ran through my head the more I wanted her. "I will never be there for her first day of school. I will never be able to go to afternoon ball games or go with her on field trips. If she gets sick I won't be able to go pick her up from school. In a lot of ways you wouldl be a single parent. How are you going to be able to deal with it?"

"You sound like Angel." She told me as she pulled her hands away from me. I was losing her attention fast. I could almost see the walls she was building to hide in.

"He was right. You deserve someone who can take you into the light. To do these things with you. Not just sit on the sidelines and watch."

"I thought that was what you just did. Moved into the light to be with me."

"It solves some things. But not all things. This isn't a fairy tale, baby. You aren't going to kiss the beast and turn him into a prince. That beast will always be there. I just want to make sure you're ready for it." I took her hands again squeezing them. She didn't fight me on it. Then my words hit her. About her being ready for it. Not that I was saying good-bye.

"It's my choice?"

Angel had made the decision for her. Not letting her decide what she wanted. Maybe I would do the same thing if she were still a teenager. But she was twenty-one now. She had died and come back. Fought her way through the hell she had found when she was suddenly alive again. She was perfectly capable of making the best choices for her.

"Yes. But be aware that no matter what you decide I will always be a part of your life. I am not going anywhere. Part of my decision to get my soul was to help out in Sunnydale. I still plan on doing that."

There was a part of her that was angry with me. For making her face this when she wanted to get lost in a dream that could never be.

"And you? What do you sacrifice?" The words were harsh as if I wasn't hurting. As if there wasn't a price for loving her.

"You." She didn't understand. "I get to spend a millisecond of my lifetime with you. Then watch you grow older. And frailer. Then to finally die. Leaving me alone for centuries without you beside me."

Even before my words were done she was in my arms. Her legs wrapped around my waist.

"I really do love you."

She told me through her tears but I already knew that. She didn't need to tell me. But I just wanted to make sure she was prepared to deal with the sacrifices she might have to make
for loving me. Squeezing her tightly against me I repeated that I would always be there. I picked her up and carried her back to my room. We didn't make love again but lay there holding each other. Just enjoying being close to each other. And when the afternoon slipped away into the night she left me.

I stood at the window and watched her drive away. My heart broken into a million pieces. It was her choice now. Was she willing to give up ever having a normal life to be with me? Was our love strong enough for her to give up her dreams?

It would never be over for us even if she didn't come back to me. Destiny had brought us together. Our fates were intertwined. Our love was too full of fire and passion to ever burn out. And somewhere centuries later we would still be burning bright.

Chapter 28 - Father Figure

That's all I wanted
Something special, something sacred
In your eyes
For just one moment
To be bold and naked
At your side
Sometimes I think that you'll never
Understand me
Maybe this time is forever
Say it can be
But something tells me together
We'd be happy
That's all I wanted
But sometimes love can be mistaken
For a crime
That's all I wanted
Just to see my baby's
Blue eyes shine
This time I think that my lover
Understands me
If we have faith in each other
Then we can be strong
If you are the desert
I'll be the sea
If you ever hunger
Hunger for me
Whatever you ask for
That's what I'll be
So when you remember the ones who have lied
Who said that that they cared
But then laughed when you cried
Beautiful darling
Don't think of me
I will be your father
I'll be your preacher
I'll be your daddy
I will be the one who love you
Until the end of time
George Michael

It was actually simple. We both wanted to be ahead of where we were. Both of us wanted to skip the preliminaries and just get into the middle of the relationship. But we had different ideas of what that middle was going to be. She wanted and deserved normal. I just wanted her. To love and be with.

Being with Dru taught me that you had to compromise and work everyday to keep love alive. That it wasn't always what you wanted. But what both of you needed. That was why I had told her I would marry her if that was what she wanted. I didn't need it but maybe she did. To feel secure. Or just for the dream. But we would never be a 'normal' couple. We would never do the suburban thing she wanted.

And I would never leave her alone. I knew that I was the one for her. All of those doubts and fears she had could stop with me. I would make them go away. The dark side of her that she was afraid of didn't frighten me. I loved her happy or sad. But she needed to take the time to figure that out on her own. That I could give her even if it was killing me.

I waited everyday for a phone call. A sign of any kind from Sunnydale to let me know what was going on. Finally after two weeks I broke down and called Giles. He wouldn't tell me anything. Said it wasn't his place that I would have to ask her. Then I told him I was coming home. That Los Angeles wasn't where I needed to be. Surprisingly he agreed with me. Told me that my life couldn't revolve around what Buffy was doing. That I needed to make a life for me and maybe that would actually help her to see things in a different light.

He offered to come and pick me up the next night. Dawn had been bugging him to bring her down here to see Connor anyway. When we got off the phone I felt a little better. At least I was taking a step forward. I debated as to whether or not to call to call Buffy and let her know. But I decided to wait until I got there and talk to her in person.

The time to go couldn't come soon enough once the decision was made. My stuff was packed into boxes and waiting in the lobby by early afternoon. And I spent the time waiting for Giles and Dawn pacing. Everybody was irritated with me and was ready for me to go by the time they showed. Dawn came through the door first with a big grin on her face. She made her way directly to me wrapping me in a bear hug. I hugged her back enjoying the feeling of being loved. And missed.

After she hugged me she made a beeline to Connor. I waited impatiently while she and Giles visited with everybody. I knew they hadn't seen each other for a while so I tried not to get irritated. But I was ready to go home.

Finally we loaded the car and headed back to Sunnydale. I rode in the back seat because I knew that I wasn't in the best of moods. Just leaned back into the seat and tried to mellow out. Listening to Dawn and Giles talk. Dawn turned so she could look back at me and tried to include me in their conversation. She reached a hand back taking a hold of mine when I didn't say a whole lot.

Right before we reached Sunnydale Dawn announced that she was starving and wanted pizza.

"Giles, please stop. I bet Spike would like some wings too." She turned back to look at me trying to get me into her conspiracy. "Wouldn't you?"

I laughed at her and shrugged my shoulders.

"Sure, Dawn, wings sound good. You know they don't have them in LA right?'

Giles laughed with me as she crossed her arms in front of her to start sulking.

"You guys are just unfair." She threw out before turning to stare out the window. I guess Giles took pity on her because he handed her the cell phone. Told her to call and place the order so it would be ready when we got there.

She smiled and told him thanks before calling to order.

When we pulled up to the restaurant Dawn and I went in to pick it up. Giles decided to wait in the car. I followed her in after holding the door for her. We went up to the counter and told them we had placed a to go order. Dawn and I were leaning on the counter waiting for them to bring it to us when I heard a familiar laugh. It was Buffy. Looking up and over the crowd I tried to spot her. Fading out the other voices searching for hers alone.

I found her. In a booth with Xander and Anya on the opposite side of the table. And next to her was a man. A human male. Someone I didn't know and she was laughing up at him.

"Spike?"

It was Dawn wondering what was going on. She followed my gaze and saw her sister.

"Oh, shit. Let's get out of here."

She reached for the food and started to walk out. There was no surprise of her seeing Buffy with him. Only that I had seen. I didn't move. The urge to kill was coursing through me as I saw him reach out and touch her hand.

Buffy must have sensed me because her head came up. Searching for me this time. Our eyes met. I held the gaze for a moment before I turned and walk out. Following Dawn across the parking lot and into the car. This time she scrambled into the back. I climbed into the front seat and told Giles to go. As we pulled out of the parking lot she was just coming out the door. I didn't want to care as she stood and watched us pull away.

I asked Giles to stop at a store down the street. Told him I needed some smokes. He didn't argue just stopped to let me out. I guess Dawn filled him in when I was gone because he didn't say anything when I lit up in his car. What I really wanted was to get stinking drunk. But I was afraid to. I didn't know what would happen if I did. What I would do.

No one said anything until we reached the house. Giles told Dawn to go upstairs so that he could talk to me.

"No, he needs all the friends he can get." She put the food down on the dining room table then returned to lead me into the living room. Taking a seat beside me on the couch. Giles sat on the other side of me.

"This isn't a surprise to the two of you?" I asked them looking from one to the other. Dawn shook her head.

"She met him right after you left. He works with Xander and he had brought him along to help move some furniture for Buffy. He liked her from the start but she kept telling him no." Giles started to explain to me.

"Until I sent her home alone from Los Angeles." I filled in the blank. It was my fault for giving her space to decide what she wanted.

"Yes. She has only been out with him a couple of times." He sighed and leaned his head back. "It's complicated. You told her to decide. She feels like she can't decide unless she has walked on both sides."

As much as it ripped my guts out in a way he was right. Unless she hit the reality of it not being right the grass would always be greener on the other side.

"What do you think she will do?" I asked hoping that he would agree with me. That she would never really fit into that world.

"She is always going to be the Slayer. That is something that will follow her everywhere. And the only way I could see to leave it all behind for a normal life would be to leave us all behind. But it's time Spike. She has a right to be happy. It's up to her to decide what that is." He told me trying to encourage me and yet not give me false hope. "Just don't do something rash. Keep giving her space and just concentrate on you until she decides."

I nodded my head.

"Can we eat now?"

"Never Dawn. You will have to starve for all eternity." I told her in mock seriousness. She laughed and pushed at me. Then she jumped up to retrieve her pizza and my wings. Leaving them on the coffee table while she went to get us something to drink. Bringing back a soda for her and a beer for me. After handing me the beer she put a movie on the TV and we settled on the floor to eat. Giles excused himself to go read in his room when he realized she had put on some teen horror flick. Rolling his eyes as he hurried from the room.

Once he was gone she started to ask me questions. More about my new soul. About what happened between Buffy and I in Los Angeles. What I was going to do and where I was going to live. I answered some of her questions. Some I didn't. The ones about the soul I answered the best I could. Told her what happened was between Buffy and me. But I had a feeling that she knew more than she was letting on. It seemed that the two of them were talking more these days. And the rest I said was still up in the air.

She seemed satisfied with my answers. Offering suggestions of where I could live and making jokes about jobs I could hold. Like bartending, professional bodyguard, a model or a singer. The suggestions started getting more outrageous the longer we talked. But it was in fun. Holding a job was one those things that were on the near impossible list.

But it felt good to laugh. When Dawn wanted to be she was a lot of fun to be around. I had been an only child so she was like the kid sister I had never had. I could only hope that Buffy would come around so I could get more of the family that I wanted. To be a part of that group that I had been trying to be a part of for so long.

It was almost midnight and we were on our second movie when she walked in. She had changed from her date clothes to jeans and a t-shirt. She was also wearing my duster around her shoulders. I could only assume that she had gone home after her date and taken the time to think about things before coming to see me.

"Can we talk?"

She was standing in the entrance to the living room by the glass doors.

"Okay, good night. See you in the morning." Dawn switched off the movie and almost ran past Buffy and up the stairs leaving us alone.

"There's nothing to say."

Her eyes searched mine. She knew I was lying to her. There was plenty to say. If she could read me then she would find pain, anger, and jealousy in my eyes.

"Spike…" She began falteringly.

"Don't say you're sorry. We both know you're not." Her eyes closed tightly and nodded her head in agreement.

I walked up to her until we were almost touching and inhaled. I could smell him on her skin. The stench of his cologne and sweat making me want to gag. Her eyes flew open when she realized what I was doing. She took a few steps away from me.

"I haven't done anything with him." She defended herself.

"I know. At least not tonight. That smell isn't on you. But you have kissed him." It wasn't a question. I knew. He had no clue what he had done by touching her. His only prayer was this soul I now carried would do its job and protect him if it ever came down to that.

"He's not you." Her words were meant to let me know that he didn't do a lot for her physically. So, she probably wasn't lying and hadn't fucked him yet.

I leaned forward so my lips were almost brushing hers.

"And he never will be."

Then I pulled back before I did something that we would both regret. My emotions were demanding to be heard. To make her feel as low and as bad as I did. But I knew that if I did hurt her it would only drive her further away. Something that I couldn't stand the thought of so I restrained myself.

"What's the boy's name?"

"Richard. He works…"

"With Xander." I finished for her. "Giles and Dawn filled me in."

"Oh."

We stood there awkwardly neither of us knowing what to do. She told me she was going to do some patrolling and asked if I wanted to go along. I tagged along with her because I just wanted to be close to her. And that was what I had come back for after all wasn't it? To fight the good fight.

For the next couple of hours we wandered through the cemeteries looking for vampires or demons. We hardly talked at all just walked side by side. Occasionally we would brush against each other. Sometimes it was accidental and sometimes I think we were just looking for some comfort. It was a quiet night with only a few vamps out and they were easy kills. Which was a disappointment in a way. A good fight would have helped to release my tension.

I finally walked her back to her apartment. Saying good night at the door. She didn't invite me in and I didn't try to touch her. I had promised her space and I would give it to her. As I was walking away she asked me if I wanted to go again tomorrow night. I stopped and turned to look at her standing alone on her doorstep. If I went with her then she couldn't be with him. So, I told her yes that I would go. Before she closed her door behind her I told her to take a shower before I came over. That I didn't want to be smelling him on her. I don't know if she heard me or not as the door swung shut.

She was missing me but wasn't ready to admit it yet. All I had to do was give her time and she would be in my arms again. At least I hoped so.

Chapter 29 - I'm On Fire

Hey little girl is your daddy home
Did he go away and leave you all alone
I got a bad desire
I'm on fire
Tell me now baby is he good to you
Can he do the things that I do
I can take you higher
I'm on fire
Sometimes it's like someone took a knife baby
Edgy and dull and cut a six-inch valley
Through the middle of my soul
At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet
And a freight train running through the
Middle of my head
Only you can cool my desire
I'm on fire
Bruce Springsteen

When I got back to the house I fixed some blood and headed for my room. Actually it was Buffy's old room. But all of her furniture was at the apartment now. Settled down on the new bed to drink my snack before I went to take a shower. As soon as I lay down on the bed Dawn was knocking softly on the door.

"You decent?" She called to me. I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. But I called to her to come in. Once she was in the room she closed the door behind her. I shifted to give her room to sit on the foot of the bed.

"Well, what happened?" Dawn was looking for the big romantic ending too. Was it in the family genes?

"We went patrolling. Nothing more than that." I hated to disappoint her but there wasn't anything exciting to tell her. The light faded slightly from her eyes.

"You didn't talk or anything. Is she still going to see him?" She was still hoping that something good had happened.

"No. Not my business anymore it seems. And as far as I know she is."

She reached out and put a hand on my leg squeezing her fingernails into me.

"She's an idiot." She let out a small scream then she released my leg.

"Dawn, don't talk like that. She's just confused." Buffy was still my girl even if was driving me around the bend.

"And she's my sister. And she's an idiot for not appreciating you."

"It's complicated, Niblet. I can't give her everything she wants. It's not that she doesn't love me." I told myself to keep saying that and maybe I'd believe it too.

"There are other ways to have babies then the usual way. Adoption. Artificial insemination." My earlier suspicions of them talking had been confirmed. At this point she probably knew more about how Buffy was feeling than I did.

"They don't let vampires adopt babies." A smiled crossed my face as I thought of Buffy and me trying to do that. Filling in the occupation of the potential father as a bloodsucker. Dawn threw her hands up in frustration accompanied by a loud sigh.

"Okay, what about the other thing."

"Artificial insemination? Don't think so." Buffy carrying another man's child would only piss me off. Maybe it was just macho pride but it just made me feel useless. It was funny because since the whole thing had started the idea of Buffy's belly swelling with a child was something I wanted to see. But it was my child not someone else's planted there.

"The baby would be half hers. She would be a little Buffy."

"And maybe we could end up with a little person that we wouldn't like. Hey, I have an idea. Why don't we have Xander do it? Keep it in the family."

I lay back on the bed and closed my eyes.

"I'm sorry. I was just trying to help." There was a soft apologetic tone to her voice. I sighed. I knew she only wanted us together. We both wanted the same thing. Family. And if Buffy and I were together than she had the older brother she wanted. And there wouldn't be any fear of her losing Buffy.

I felt her shift on the bed until she was lying beside me.

"Spike?"

"Yeah?"

"She told me that she loves you. Why is it so hard then? Isn't love supposed to conquer all?"

I opened my eyes to see tears streaming down her face. I turned until I was facing her on the bed wiping away a tear away with my thumb. Holding her hand until the tears were gone. Sometimes I forgot that she had been through a lot too. And just like Buffy she wanted security. And love. The kind of love that didn't leave you alone in the end.

"Not always, Lil' Bit. Not always." I finally answered her question.

She stayed with me for a few more minutes then stood to go to her room. I told her that tomorrow she could help me start looking for a place to live. That cheered her up. But before she could start off on a tangent like the one about me getting a job I sent her to bed. Telling her tomorrow I could deal a little better. She laughed as she headed for the door.

It was almost noon before I came downstairs the next day. I headed straight for the kitchen to fix a mug of blood. Dawn was sitting at the island with the newspaper spread out around her and a marker in one hand. At that point I knew I was in trouble. I turned to face her taking a sip from the mug.

"I've been going through all the rentals. Sorted them out by location, price and size. I figured that you would want at least two bedrooms and in a place that wasn't really populated." She hesitated to take a breath and to get my reaction so far. I nodded at her because she was making sense so far. "The price I wasn't sure about. I heard Giles and Anya talking one day that you had some money stashed away. So, I put the stuff that was in the median range first."

Dawn actually had it pretty much sorted out. I sat next to her and started going through her notes. As much as I hated to say it with her help it wouldn't be hard to find something. I took the marker from her and crossed through a couple that I really wanted to call about. Or make her call for me since she had become the efficient little helper.

As I was going through her notes she continued to scan the paper. I heard her gasp and then she turned to me.

"Spike, could you afford to buy something? Because there's something in the paper for sale that I think you would really like." Dawn was a little hesitant as she asked. I looked up at her and the side of her mouth was twitching. Something was up.

"What is it? A cemetery of my own? A newly renovated crypt? I know, it's a mortuary, isn't it?" I joked with her. It was probably a house in the middle of a subdivision with families on both sides. Doing it to torture me with what could never be.

She shoved a section of the newspaper under my nose.

"Look! It's better. It's the old caretaker's house. The one near your old crypt." Dawn was so excited she was shaking.

I grabbed the paper away from her so I could see. There was an article about it. The city was putting it up for sale instead of tearing it down. They felt it had historical value to Sunnydale because it was part of the town's first cemetery. I quickly went through the article until I found the contact information. Before I could ask for the phone Dawn was holding it out to me. And within the hour I had put a bid on it and had called my bank to wire the deposit to the realtor. The place was ridiculously cheap. But no one halfway intelligent would want to live next to a cemetery in Sunnydale. When I hung up the phone Dawn launched herself at me. I picked her up and swung her around the kitchen. This was perfect for me.

Where else should a vampire live except for a cemetery? Clem would be my neighbor. And the house was already holding memories for me. Good and bad ones. Memories of Buffy. Since I wasn't too particular about living arrangements I could live there while I fixed it up. The house stood at the back corner of the cemetery with the actual front of it facing a residential street. The street was full of old two story houses that looked like it belonged in the past somewhere. The caretaker's house was the last house on the dead end street.

Giles went with Dawn and me that night to meet the realtor. Official visit. To look it over. We walked through the place checking things out. It was really a nice place if it was taken care of. There were two bedrooms downstairs along with my old bathroom, a kitchen, dining room and living room. Upstairs were two more bedrooms, a room probably meant for a nursery and the bathroom was split. There was a half bath in one room and just a claw foot tub in the other room. Giles was pretty impressed with it. The historical architecture and all that.

The realtor didn't think that I was going to have any problems with the purchase. The preliminary screening had gone through and I had passed. Which means they liked the fact that I could pay cash for it. Everything on my credit report except for the balance of my accounts was false. Computers could be so useful. And Willow had been a good friend. I told her that I wanted to put the sale through as soon as possible and she said she would put a rush on it. Because a loan didn't have to be approved and the city now owned it there wasn't going to be a whole to do. They just needed to put together the paperwork and set a time with the title company. And then it would be mine.

"Can I have a Halloween party here?" Dawn asked as soon as the realtor drove away. "This place would be cool. It is so spooky."

"Dawn, there is some work to be done before it is safe for a bunch of teenagers to be tromping through the place." Giles always the logical one got to be the one to tell her no.

Her lower lip came out in a pout before turning to me. She was going to try to persuade me by putting on the 'look'.

"No. He's right. There are some floorboards and stuff that need to be fixed first." I told her before even giving her a chance to plead with me.

"Party poopers." She threw her hair over her shoulder and gave us both dirty looks before heading out to the car.

Giles looked over at me and shrugged his shoulders.

"Are you and Buffy going patrolling again tonight?" He had been surprised that we had gone the night before considering what had happened. I had pretended that I was dealing with it. But I wasn't really. It was churning inside of me waiting. Hopefully, things would change and soon.

I told him that we were planning on it and that I was to meet her at her apartment later. He nodded and said to let him know how it went. He asked if I was going to ride back with them and I told him no. That I was going to go and see Clem before heading for Buffy's place. I waved goodbye to Dawn and headed across the lawn toward the crypt.

Clem was watching some Knight Rider reruns when I got there. He was surprised when I came strolling through the door.

"Spike, you're back. Come sit and tell me all about it." I grabbed a beer from the fridge and joined him. My old chair was now his so I sat on the couch. Rubbing my hand across the surface and thought of the times that Buffy and I had made love on it.

We talked about my soul a little. He thought I was nuts for doing it. Especially to work with humans but he said it was my choice. When I told him about the house he got excited. Thought that it would be great that we would be neighbors.

"Are you going to close the tunnel?" I laughed and told him no. That it would be easier for us to travel back and forth to visit without having to go outside. After a little while I left to meet Buffy.

I knocked on the door and waited listening for the sound of her footsteps. It took her a few minutes for to answer. She stepped back and waited for me to enter.

"You have to invite me in, pet." This was the first time that I would enter her place. I guess she had forgotten that fact. Or she was getting so lost in human ways that she didn't remember that she had to invite me in.

"Oh. Come in."

I stepped in. Looking around. It was sparsely furnished but it was nice. There were candles everywhere and vases with flowers. Soft and feminine like her.

She reached for the duster and pulled it on. It was hers now. Funny it had been my trophy for killing Slayers and now a Slayer wore it. Because I had told her it would protect her while we were separated. I followed her out of the apartment and we headed for the cemeteries.

"Did you have a good day?"

Buffy looked at me in surprise when I asked. Then smiled at me.

"It was okay. The restaurant was busy but it meant better tips." She smiled up at me. "How was yours?"

"Good. I bought a house."

She stopped walking and asked me to repeat myself.

"I bought a house. The old caretaker's house."

"I thought you didn't want to be domesticated." Her expression was one of confusion.

"No, it's just that I need a place to live. I'm a vampire. And it's in a cemetery and I like the place. Therefore I bought it." I explained to her.

She nodded her head and turned to start walking again.

"And it has memories of us there." I said I would give her space. Never said I would play fair. And besides I got the reaction that I wanted. Because she remembered the same things I did. That bathroom had almost been as important as the bedroom to us. Sex and fighting had both happened there. Conversations we had and decisions that were made.

"You bought it because of memories?"

"No. It was just one of the reasons. Not all of it."

Then I started walking leaving her behind. She hesitated for only a moment before catching up with me. We headed into the cemetery closest to her apartment.

"Any particular thing that we are looking for? Or is just general patrolling again tonight?" Figured I would change the subject before we got too deep into a conversation that would end badly. She replied telling me that it was general again. This meant a lot of walking and waiting.

We ended up running into a gang of five vampires in the third cemetery. Two were taken out when we surprised them. One of them fought but was quickly dusted by Buffy as I took off running after the other two. She caught up with me quickly and she told me to go in one direction. While she went in the other direction so that we could cut them off at the back wall. Her plan worked and they were trapped between the wall and us. Leaving them with no place to go. They both fought for their existences with everything they had. By the time we took them out we both were high on adrenaline rushes.

Buffy looked beautiful standing there. Sweaty. Breathing hard. Her eyes danced from the kick of the fight. She met my eyes and the next thing I knew she was in my arms. I don't remember who made the first move or who touched whom first. It's just that she was there. Right or wrong. I didn't care. Picking her up I backed her into the wall devouring her mouth. She wasn't fighting me. Giving as much as I was taking.

Afraid if I said anything it would break the spell and she would be gone. My hands moved to the clasp on her jeans undoing them. I kept waiting for her to say no. To push me away but she didn't. Her mouth and tongue were clinging to mine.

I pushed her jeans down her legs. She kicked off her shoes and pulled her jeans off. Reaching down I pulled her up by the back of her thighs. Her legs wrapped around me and she had my zipper down before I had her against the wall again. Burying myself in her without any preparations. She was ready and so was I.

Neither of us said a word or even looked at each other. It was flesh meeting flesh in a basic way. Two beings familiar with each other's body knowing and understanding the other's needs. This was part of our world. The fighting. The rush. The passion. It was a part of her whether she wanted to admit it or not.

As she started to reach the edge she lifted her head from my shoulder and looked into my eyes. The connection was still there. The love and tenderness was evident as we took each other higher and plummeted together into bliss.

I watched her as she got dressed. Neither of saying a word. It didn't change anything for the better. Just made things more complicated. When I lit a cigarette she took it from me to take a drag. We shared that one and another on the way back to her place.

We didn't touch again. And as we approached her front door she turned to me.

"I'll get Xander or someone to go with us from now on."

I nodded my head. Understanding that she didn't want to give in to temptation again. That being alone with me would only lead to other moments. Moments that couldn't take her where she wanted to go.

"I'm not sorry, Buffy."

"I know."

She leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek before turning to go in. I sat on the step in front of her place listening to her move around inside. Contemplated what we had done. It was only going to make her feel more confused. Probably would make her feel guilty for cheating on him. Me, there wasn't any guilt. As far as I was concerned she still belonged to me. Always would. You can't feel guilty for taking what was yours.

But I could hope that it would make her realize that I was the only one who could reach her like that. On that level you reach when you don't always have to explain your needs. A level of connection that reaches beyond the physical and into the hearts of those involved.

Chapter 30 - I'll Be There For You

You say you're cried a thousand rivers
And now you're swimming for the shore
You left me drowning in my tears
And you won't save me anymore
Now I'm praying to God you'll give me one more chance, girl
I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what a love can do
I'll be there for you
And Baby you know my hands are dirty
But I wanted to be your valentine
I'll be the water when you get thirsty, baby
When you get drunk, I'll be the wine

Giles had called a meeting to fill the others in on the changes in me. I wasn't sure what Buffy had told to whom but this way everybody would be together and it would only have to be told once. I was looking forward to seeing everybody again. The girls anyway. Anya, Tara and Willow. Xander, well it was Xander and I was looking forward to his reaction more than actually seeing him.

I waited in the living room for them to get there. Tara and Willow arrived first. Their faces lit up when they saw me. The two of them hurried over to hug me at the same time. I asked how they were and they told me they were good. They had found a little apartment and were living together again. Just as I was telling them congratulations Xander and Anya came through the door. I walked over to give Anya a hug and tell her hello. Xander didn't like it a lot but he didn't say anything. After all the hellos and small talk were over we pulled some chairs from the other room and everybody took a seat.

Just as we sat down Buffy came rushing through the door. She apologized for being late and walked toward me taking a seat on the arm of my chair. As she moved to make herself more comfortable she laid a hand on my shoulder. I looked up at her surprised at her gesture and she just smiled down at me. Dawn was looking from her to me with a grin on her face. Apparently they had talked earlier because she wasn't surprised at Buffy's move. Now, Xander and Anya were looking a little uncomfortable about it. It didn't make sense for her to be there supporting me like that if we weren't together anymore. It had me a bit confused too. After last night and her statement of not wanting to be alone with me it was a bit odd.

Giles hurried into his speech trying to ignore the situation building around us. He told them first that I was back for good. That I had bought a house so my commitment to work with them was definitely a permanent one. Then he told them about my trip to Africa and my quest to regain my soul. That it wasn't just for Buffy, Dawn or them. It was my decision on what I wanted for my life.

"You're shitting me, right?" Xander exclaimed not even looking at me. But at Giles. This just upset his whole hatred of me. Because so far the only reasons he had said he hated me was the fact that I was an evil soulless vampire. And then, of course, there was the whole issue of Buffy.

"No shit. Now you are going to have to come up with new names for me. Besides evil and soulless." I didn't even give Giles a chance to respond. Wanted him to look at me. So, I could see the look in his eyes at my changes. Petty but it felt good. To see his limited little views on the world shattered by me.

We were staring each other down. He was threatened by me because he was afraid of losing his place in the gang. I felt Buffy squeeze my shoulder as a warning and I broke the stare. Letting him win. Time would tell anyway. It didn't have to be settled now.

Everybody else was happy for me. I got the usual questions about how I felt and what was different. Made me glad that Giles had done it like this so it could all be over with at one time. I didn't want to keep repeating this. It was time to move on.

After the questions were over with everybody broke apart to talk. Buffy was heading for the kitchen and I was right behind her. This game of hot and cold was really beginning to get to me.

"What was that about?" I stood just inside the doorway and watched her get some water out of the refrigerator. She turned to look back at me.

"What was what about?" She was wearing that innocent look. The one that made me want to shake her. As I sighed she broke into a grin and walked over to lean on the island.

Before she could say anything else to me Dawn and Tara came into the room.

"Umm, do you want us to leave?" Tara asked as she realized they had interrupted us.

Buffy shook her head.

"No, it's okay." She walked past me on the way to the door. Stopping beside me she whispered to me that I already knew the answer. I did. She still cared even if she wasn't with me anymore.

Xander came looking for me a few minutes later asking me if I was ready to go patrolling. Buffy was keeping her word about us not being alone together. She would be friendly and even affectionate around other people. But she wasn't going to take a chance on us doing anything again. In a way it made me smile to think that she didn't think she could control herself around me.

The three of us headed out toward the cemetery. Buffy and Xander did most of the talking while I just followed them. It was another slow night. All the beasties seemed to be staying indoors. As the night wore on and the boredom was setting in Xander turned to me.

"So, you bought a house?"

"Yeah, the old caretaker's house in the cemetery." I wasn't sure where he was going with this so I was cryptic with my answer. Not giving him any details.

"That place is so supposed to be haunted. It was THE place to go when Willow and I were kids to prove how brave we were on Halloween. A lot of spooky stuff is supposed to have happened there." Xander seemed like he was actually being friendly.

"I've never seen any haunts or beasties in it. Did you Buffy?" She looked like she was drifting off in her mind somewhere. Thought I would bring her back to us.

"Only you." I guess she had been paying attention. We smiled at each other at her comment and Xander was looking confused.

"You've been in there?" He asked Buffy like it was an impossible concept.

"It's attached to his old crypt. That's where we took showers and stuff." She explained to him but her eyes kept going to me.

"Really? I never thought about what you all did for that." He paused for a minute then looked at me. "I have always wanted to see the inside of that place. No one actually went in when we were kids."

"Let's go." I turned and headed in the direction of the house.

"Hey, we are supposed to be patrolling here." Buffy tried to remind me but I kept walking with Xander right behind me.

"It's slow. The vamps and demons aren't going miss us. Are you coming or not?" I hollered back at her. I snickered as I heard her hands slap against her legs after she threw them up in the air. Then she was hurrying to catch up to us so she wasn't left behind.

"I give up. If the city is overrun by demon attacks don't anyone complain to me." She bitched as she started to trail behind us.

It took only a few minutes to reach the old place. At night it gave off ominous vibes. The paint was peeling off leaving bare wood behind. The windows were all boarded up with some of the windows broken behind them. And when the wind blew through them it sounded like the lonely wail of a banshee. Warning people away before harm befell them. The inside of the house was different though. It had always welcomed us like a beloved aunt at whose house you could always find sanctuary. Safe and inviting in its own way.

At the back of the house the boards on one window were loose. You could swing them aside and crawl through the window. I went through first and then Xander and I helped Buffy through. Xander came through last. I started to walk through the house turning on lights as I went.

Xander kept stopping to check something out. Making comments on things that needed to be done. Buffy just followed us not saying anything. We carefully made our way up the stairs that were broken through in some places. You couldn't even hold onto the banister for support because it was loose and getting ready to fall off.

The first stop was the master bedroom. It had to have been a quite a beauty in its day. I turned to see what Buffy thought of it. She stood in the middle of the room and slowly turned around. Her gaze was taking in the high ceilings, the bay window with a seat and the fireplace. I could tell that she liked it.

"What would you do with it?"

Her head swiveled around to look at me in surprise. I was right. She did have ideas about what to do with the room but thought she had forfeited her right to say anything.

"It's not mine to decide. Do what you want." Then she turned to walk out.

Xander and I finished walking around the upstairs. He continued his list of things to be done and a list of tools and materials that I would need. Don't ask me where it came from because it surprised me too.

"Would you help me with it?" He turned to look at me because I had surprised him too. "I mean I am going to do as much of the work myself. But you know construction and everything so I thought you might have some ideas or could help out."

Toward the end of my speech my voice started to trail off. His eyes were getting bigger as he contemplated my request. He looked around the upstairs and then back at me. A decision made.

"Sure. It's a great house." He shook his head yes. "Yeah, I'll be glad to help to get it back in shape." Even though he had said yes to my request he also made it seem he was just interested in the house. One step forward and two steps back.

With that we turned to make our way downstairs. His cell phone went off as we reached the bottom step. He walked off into the living room to take the call. I went off in search of Buffy. She was in the bathroom. Sitting on the counter her hands folded in her lap. There was a hint of tears in her eyes.

I came to stand in front of her forcing her to lift her head and look at me.

"All you have to do is say the word and the decision is yours too."

"I know." She shrugged her shoulders and looked away.

"Buffy, don't do this. Don't throw us away. I'll do everything I can to make you happy." My hand went out to cup her cheek. She rubbed herself against it.

"Baby, I know that too. I don't doubt that you would give me everything you can. I just don't know if it's enough."

She gently pushed me away and stood up turning to leave me there.

"No one can give you everything." There was desperation in my words but I couldn't help it. She was slowly destroying me. But she didn't stop. Never even acknowledged that she had heard my words.

The three of us ended up meeting in the kitchen. Xander knew something had happened but didn't ask. We didn't go back to patrolling but headed for Buffy's place. We saw her through the front door then we headed back toward Giles' house. His car and my bike were still parked there.

We didn't say a lot as we headed back. I was lost in my thoughts of her. As we turned the last corner Xander hesitated.

"I didn't know that they would get together and I didn't know that you were doing what you did." That was all he said. Not really an apology. But then again it was. He was slowly coming around though. And for now it was enough.

Chapter 31 - Landslide

I took my love and took it down
Climbed a mountain and turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
'til the landslide brought it down
Oh, mirror in the sky - What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin'…ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
I don't know…..I don't know
Well I've been afraid of changin'
Because I've built my life around you

Before the ink was even dry on the papers I had moved into my house. For over a century I had moved from one place to another. Never wanting or needing permanence. But now it felt good. The changes in me were moving at a rapid pace and to be able to count on at least one constant was a relief. Everything that I had lived by was no longer there. And I needed one thing to hold me down as an anchor. I wandered through the place after the closing touching things and taking it in. To make myself believe that it was real and not a figment of my imagination.

I cleaned out the back bedroom downstairs for me to live in while the rest of the place was being worked on. For right now it was back to sleeping on a mattress on the floor. The only other things that were in the room were a television and a small refrigerator. It was okay. I had survived in less luxurious accommodations than this.

Tara and Willow came over the first night to check out the place. They both thought it was great. And they kept giving me ideas of what to do with it. I laughed and said I would take it into consideration. Before they left Tara said a blessing for the house. That it would only hold happiness and goodness. She was too late. Without Buffy it would always be an empty shell.
But I told her thank you and who knows maybe the blessing would help bring Buffy home.

My life fell into a pattern. I would work on the house during the day. Dawn came over almost every afternoon to help. Kept her doing things where she couldn't really get hurt. Giles was actually kind of relieved because he knew where she was while he was at the Magic Box.

Two or three times a week Xander would come over to help me with the house. He turned out to be really helpful with everything. He went with me to buy the tools that I would need. I got lost in the store looking at all the things that I could buy to fix the house up. He was laughing at the expression on my face. Said I looked like a school boy with a crush on his teacher as I stared in awe at all the things I could get to restore my house. But as much as possible I would have to find original items or authentic reproductions in order for the house to be returned to its former glory.

At night I would go patrolling with Buffy and usually Xander. Sometimes one of the others would go. And sometimes it would be just me if Buffy had plans with Richard.

And the nights I patrolled alone I would go past her apartment when I was done. To see if Richard was there and if he was I would wait to see when he left. He never stayed late. Always leaving before midnight. They still hadn't had sex. It wasn't just the not staying late. It was the way he left. Fully dressed and looking frustrated. And it was also her actions around me. The moment she became his I would know it. Because she wouldn't be able to handle the guilt. She wouldn't be able to look me in the eye. With him it wouldn't be making love. It would be business. She would give him sex in order to get what she wanted. The illusion of normality.

So, my life had become as it had before. Still on the outside. Buffy still not being with me. And me still waiting for her.

But life is full of surprises.

It was the middle of the week and I was ripping up the vinyl floor in the kitchen. Someone had gotten the bright idea of covering the hardwood floor with this appalling green speckled vinyl. I was kneeling on the floor covered in the dirt and dust from the floor when I heard footsteps walking through the living room. I figured it was Dawn showing up for the day.

"Dawn, I'm back here." I yelled out to her so she would know where I was. She didn't respond to me which I didn't think anything of. The floor was giving me trouble and I was ripping at it when out of the corner of my eye I saw a pair of feet at the doorway. The toenails painted a bright red. I stopped what I was doing and followed them up to some very long beautiful legs. As my eyes traveled upwards I heard a giggle. My eyes hurried their appraisal upwards and I found myself looking into a pair of hazel eyes. It was Donna. The girl from the plane when I had gone to Africa.

I sat back on my haunches and stared at her.

"Hi." She smiled at me and looked me over with awareness in her eyes. I was only wearing a pair of jeans and boots. She didn't even seem to mind the dirt and grime.

"Hello." I returned the look. She was dressed in a pair of khaki shorts and a sleeveless white blouse. I could see the lace of her bra through the almost sheer material.

Then our eyes met and we smiled.

"Giles told me where to find you. I'm on my way to a retreat for the next week. And I thought I would stop and see how you were." She gave a reasonable explanation for her being there. But her eyes said something else. Donna was looking for a walk on the wild side. And in the mood I was in I might even consider giving it to her.

"And what happened to Africa?"

"It got too dangerous and they pulled us out. After the retreat I am heading to Mexico for six months."

She was letting me know that what she was looking for was a one night stand. A way to appease her curiosity about vampires. The message she was sending was clear even for a girl that was spreading the word of God. Even the saints had an itch to scratch.

"So, do I get to see your house?"

I nodded yes and came to my feet heading toward her. As I passed through the doorway I passed close to her. She didn't move an inch. Her eyes moved slowly from my chest to meet my eyes. That chill that accompanies the first sexual pull passed through me like lightening. She followed me as I showed her around the place. As we went up the stairs she took my hand so she wouldn't fall through. Her hand was soft in mine. It felt good to be wanted. My ego definitely needed the stroking. So, I flirted back.

After the tour I showed her into my room. Told her to make herself comfortable while I took a shower. She slid back on the mattress picking up the book I was reading. I grabbed some clean clothes and headed to the bathroom.

When I came back out I found Dawn with her. As soon as she realized I was there Dawn became quiet and looked sheepish. Donna smiled at me with amusement. Apparently she now knew quite a bit about Buffy and me. Dawn was defending her sister's turf. She still believed that there was going to be a happy ending.

Nothing ever happens the way you wanted. Dawn was firmly planted there. Telling me that Giles had to go away for the afternoon and I was supposed to 'watch' her until he got back that night. We ended up spending the rest of the afternoon talking. Donna won Dawn over sharing tales of her travels. I had been most of the places she had been so we had a lot to talk about. Dawn just kept asking questions to keep the conversation going.

When it started to get dark the girls were hungry so we headed out to a small Italian restaurant near the Bronze. We rode in Donna's rental car with her driving. Dawn sat in the back seat giving me dirty looks in the mirror. When she caught me staring at Donna's legs she thumped me on the back of the head.

I laughed at her and Donna looked back at her.

"I'm not going to take him away from you. I'll be gone tomorrow. Okay?" She told her trying to get her to get calm down.

But we just riled her some more as we slid into a booth on the same side. Dawn sat across from us her arms crossed.

"Dawn, I'll take you over to Xander's if you don't quit."

As we went through dinner she started to calm down a bit. Then they got back into the swing of things as Donna drew her out. Asking her about school and the kind of boys that she liked. And as she talked I realized how she could do what she did. She was totally open and full of self confidence. There was nothing shy about her at all. The whole time she was making friends with Dawn her leg was pressed to mine. Hip to hip. Thigh to thigh. All the way down to our calves.

I watched them eat their dinner. Stealing bites from both of them. It was relaxed and fun. They were both laughing and making me laugh. We decided to go the Bronze when they were done eating.

Donna didn't want a drink because she had to drive so I went up to the bar. Had a quick shot of whiskey and then went back to them with a beer for me and sodas for them. I looked around seeing if anyone we knew were there. But no one seemed to be there. When I looked back at them they were sharing a conspiratorial look.

"Drink up." Donna told me smiling at me. Who was I to argue with a lady? I downed the beer in a few swallows. She took the cup from me and put it down with hers then reached for my hand. Dawn took a hold of my other. They began to drag me to the dance floor. I put on an appropriate show of protesting. But I knew like they did that I could pull away anytime that I wanted. They didn't stop until we were in the middle of the floor.

They started to dance around me.

"Come on. Let loose and have some fun." Donna laughed up at me. Then she moved behind me putting her hands on my hips. "Shake the butt, boy." Dawn took a hold of my hands and was moving them with her. Between the one in back of me and the one in front my body was soon moving to the music.

With Buffy I was afraid of appearing to be a fool. So, I preferred not to even try. With the two of them it didn't seem to matter. I actually let loose and danced for a while. As Dawn moved off with a friend from school I moved Donna into my arms. She was soft and willing. But something just didn't feel right. Before I could make a decision Dawn was making her way back. And we separated.

We moved off the floor toward the pool tables. Dawn was still learning so I let her break some of the rules. Donna was different. The girl could play. She beat me twice laughing at my astonishment.

Giles called to check on Dawn and let us know he was home now. I told him that I was bringing her back. Dawn wasn't happy about that. But I insisted with my eye on Donna. When we pulled up to the house Dawn asked me to walk her to the door.

"How could you? What about Buffy?" She was not happy about what was going on. One to one she liked Donna but she didn't want me involved with her. On any level. For any length of time.

"Dawn, it's none of your business. And Buffy was the one who left me." I reminded her as gently as I could.

"Well, if you do anything I will never forgive you." With that announcement she turned and flounced off into the house.

"She okay?" Donna asked me as I slid into the car.

"Yeah, she'll be fine."

I reached for her hand as we headed back to my place.

"So, where are you staying?" She wasn't supposed to be at the retreat until tomorrow sometime. I figured she had checked into a hotel somewhere.

"Umm, I didn't make any arrangements." She never took her eyes off the road.

"Pretty sure of yourself aren't you?"

"Was I right?" This time she looked over at me. The question in her eyes of whether or not I would let her into my bed.

And now that it was here. I felt something move in my heart. The fear about being with someone other than Buffy and how much it would hurt her if she found out. When my silence became too long she glanced over at me.

"You really love her don't you?"

I closed my eyes and leaned my head on the back of the seat.

"Really do." I answered both of her questions at the same time. "I guess I am pretty much a chump."

She squeezed my hand that was still holding hers.

"No. Just loyal."

When we pulled into the driveway I asked her to come in anyway. She turned the car off and followed me up. I went to get her a soda and the bottle of whiskey for me. We sat on the front steps and talked. She was a good listener as well as talker. I pretty much covered everything that had happened in the last couple of years. And she told me how she had come to be a missionary.

Then somewhere later in the night I turned to her. Her eyes were soft with compassion and wanting. Buffy was gone from my life. And Donna was here.

I leaned toward her. And she started to lean toward me. Our lips met hesitantly. Seeking and learning the curves of the other's lips. When I drew back she put her hand on the back of my head and pulled me back to her. I went willingly. Her tongue was gentle as she sought entrance to my mouth. I followed her lead. Deepening the kiss. Letting the passion start to build.

My hand curved around her hips as I scooted closer to her. As I reached to pull her body closer to me to make the move to relieve both of our aches. She suddenly drew back from me.

"I have to go."

She stood and waited for me to stand.

"I'm not a tease. But where I wouldn't have any regrets I think you would. And I don't want to be remembered as a mistake."

She was right. It felt good now but tomorrow things might change. When things couldn't be undone. I followed her out to her car and kissed her one more time. She slipped behind the wheel and told me she would call me when she got back from Mexico.

I watched the car until it disappeared from view. As I went back into the house I picked up the glasses and the bottle and took them in with me. My cell phone was ringing as I stepped into my bedroom. Picking it up I saw it was Dawn. Yeah, big surprise.

"Hello.'

"Spike, I've been calling for hours."

"Dawn. I told you that it was none of your business." I thought I was going to get yelled at. Bitched at. But she started to cry choking out a good-bye before she broke the connection.

My frustration level was getting out of control. These women were pulling my emotions all over the place. Playing with them. And not one of them seeming to care if I was happy about any of it. I grabbed the keys to the bike and headed out. First I drove by Buffy's to make sure his car wasn't parked there. It wasn't. I turned the bike off and made my way to her bedroom window.

I pressed my ear to the glass listening for any sounds. The fan was blowing softly and I could hear her turn over mumbling in her sleep. She was there and she was alone. With a sense of relief I left.

My next stop was to see Dawn. Climbed up on the roof of the porch and knocked softly on her window.

"Who is it?" She called out.

"Shhh. Dawn it's me."

She came over to open the window.

"What are you doing here?" She kept looking over her shoulder. I guess she was afraid Giles would come in. Her eyes were bloodshot and swollen from crying.

"I just wanted to check on you." I was concerned about her. She was too involved with Buffy and me getting back together. I wasn't the only one paying the price for this mess.

"I'm fine. No thanks to you." She sniffed dramatically.

"She's gone and nothing happened. Okay?"

She responded with a big grin. After that I told her good-night and slipped away. As I returned home I realized that I was alone again. And it didn't feel good. I wondered what Buffy would do if I went to her apartment and slipped into her bed. Stake me most likely.

But it didn't stop me from dreaming about her. No matter what she did she couldn't take that away from me.

Chapter 32 - Cry

If I had just one tear running down your cheek
Maybe I could cope maybe I'd get some sleep
If I had just one moment at your expense
Maybe all my misery would be well spent
Could you cry just a little
Lie just a little
Pretend you're feeling a little more pain
I gave now I'm wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me
Give it up baby
A whimper would be fine
Some kind of clue that
You're doing time
Honey give it a try
I don't want pity
I just want what is mine
Faith Hill

It was early on a Sunday afternoon in the middle of August. Xander and I were pulling out counters and cabinets in the kitchen. The whole room was going be gutted and redone. Dawn was supposed to be helping us out by handing us tools. By this time she knew the technical and nickname for every tool we were using. We joked sometimes that by the time the house was complete Dawn could get job in construction. But this particular afternoon she was late. Or not showing. Or something.

We were prying off a long set of cabinets from one wall when I heard her call out to us as she finally came through the front door. This set was being a bitch about coming off and my mood was getting worse as the day was getting later.

"About damn time, Dawn." I hollered out to her as she made her way to us. When she appeared in the door way dressed in a skirt and blouse I about lost it.

"What's going on? I thought you were going to help us." Her face fell as I snapped at her. It's not that I meant to hurt her but everything was setting me off these days. And I hadn't found a way to relieve it. Or make it go away.

"I'm sorry. I didn't think you'd mind. Buffy is going to take me shopping for school clothes." She explained looking at me like I had taken away her last teddy bear or something.

"Its okay, Dawn. We just got used to you helping us that's all. We depend on you." Xander tried to soften the mood a little. He gave me a warning look to back off and leave her alone. It wasn't her fault that my life was shit at the moment.

"Sorry, Dawn. Xander's right. It's just that you're my tool girl." I smiled at her hoping she would accept my apology. Her face brightened a little as she looked at me.

"It's okay. I should have called. But I came over to tell you. And Buffy is picking me up here." She gave me a hopeful look. Anything to get Buffy and me in the same place at the same time and maybe something would happen to get us back together.

"So, are you guys going to come tomorrow night?" Her question took us off guard.

We looked at each other than back at her. Both of us were clueless. Neither one of us knew anything about something planned for the next night.

"What thing tomorrow?" I asked her as I started to yank at the cabinet trying to get the last support undone from the wall. It did not want to budge as I leaned back and pulled using my weight as leverage.

"The celebration dinner Giles said I could have. The adoption becomes final tomorrow. We go to court and it will become official." The light was back in her eyes and she was clearly excited about becoming Dawn Summers Giles.

"And this is a celebration because…?" The idea still bothered me. That Buffy and Dawn would be separated in the eyes of the law. Thinking about it got me even more pissed off and I pushed my foot against the wall giving another pull on the cabinets with a grunt. They came down. As they let loose of the wall I lost my balance and my grip on them. I jerked myself back up and tried to grab onto them. Unfortunately, Xander wasn't ready for my stunt and was scrambling to hold them up. But they were going down. Right toward Dawn.

"Dawn, move it." I screamed at her as they continued to fall. Suddenly Buffy ran in and reached for them in the middle. She pushed them against the wall holding them up until Xander and I could get a grip on the ends. After we were holding them again the three of us lowered them to the ground.

"What the hell are you two doing? Trying to kill my sister?" Buffy yelled at Xander and me. She had her hands fisted and resting on her hips. She had to have known it was an accident and that we would never intentionally hurt Dawn. Something else had to have been bothering her because she looked about as emotionally strung as I did.

"What's wrong, Buffy?" Her gaze swung back to me with fire in her eyes.

"Nothing is wrong. Except that I thought you guys were keeping her safe." She had included Xander in her comment but the venomous look was directed at me. This whole thing was going to get pinned on me.

"Buffy, it was an accident." Dawn interrupted us. "I was inviting them to dinner tomorrow night and distracted them." She looked over at me like I owed her one. Which I did. Just what Buffy needed was another excuse to push me aside.

"It will be good for all of us to be together. In a happy way." Xander said helping Dawn in keeping Buffy distracted from her tirade at me.

Buffy looked at the two of us. Her shoulders slumped down as some of the anger eased from her.

"Sorry. It just scared me that's all." That was all the apology that she gave. With a brief glance my way she turned to Dawn. "About tomorrow night, umm, I invited Richard."

Dawn's eyes opened wide looking from her sister to me. I saw the disappointment in their depths. She didn't want him there. She was angling on that Buffy and me thing.

By this time I was tired of everything. The pain. The waiting.

"And why did you do that?" My words carried the weight of my emotions. Buffy looked at me in defiance.

"Because he is part of my life. And should be included with us." She said carefully making sure that I understood her meaning. If you care about me then you'll accept him.

I walked over to stand in front of her. If she couldn't see anything but me then she had to be paying attention to me.

"Tell me why we should accept him in our lives when you haven't even done it?" I asked her trying to make eye contact with her.

"What do you mean? He is a part of my life." She told me haltingly. Her words stumbled over the lie she was telling.

"No, he is not. You don't even like him."

"Of course I like him. I've been dating him for two months." She was getting that stubborn look in her eyes.

I laughed at her. If she was so crazy about him then why did she jump my ass in the cemetery that night? And why was she afraid of being alone with me? If he was so wonderful why wasn't she shagging the hell out of him? I leaned forward so that I could whisper in her ear.

"You like him. Xander likes him. But that doesn't mean either one of you want to go to bed with him. Right, Buffy?"

She started to blush as she realized that I knew she hadn't slept with him. I knew I was smirking at her when she pulled away from me.

"How the hell would you know? And anyway it's none of your business." She was getting flustered as I reached a hand up and trailed her cheek with my finger. Leaving a trail of dust along it. She batted my hand away and wiped at her face.

I laughed softly at her discomfort. Enjoying the knowledge that with just one touch I could make her want me. Make her wet.

"That's why it is my business. Because you still want me."

The world had fallen down to the two of us as she looked up at me. Her emotions displayed in the depths of her green eyes. Anger. Desire. Love. And fear. The last one confused me. There was no reason to fear me. The worst that we could do to each had already been done. Except for actual murder which neither one of us was capable of doing.

"I never denied it." Her words broke through my reverie. I blinked to regain my focus on her face that was so close to mine. Her lips just inches from mine. I leaned forward wanting just one taste from those lips that had brought me so much pleasure. Such a short time ago but yet forever ago. She pushed me back away from her.

"No."

That one word sliced through me like a knife through my soul.

"Damn it, Buffy. Why do you keep torturing me? I can see it in your eyes. I can smell it. But you keep running from it. Do you enjoy me in pain? Is that how you get off anymore?" My emotions had been kept under control for so long I could feel them pushing to break free. But I couldn't let them. I knew what could happen between us when things got out of control.

"Oh, you're in so much pain. What about the girl you had here? You replaced me pretty quickly."

"You jealous? Forgive me I forgot. It's not that I might have been with someone else. It's that I didn't invite you to join in. Wasn't that one of your fantasies?" As soon as the words were out of my mouth I knew they were a mistake. One of those times you wished you could take things back. But it was too late. There was a big crack in the wall holding back my rage.

I heard Dawn gasp somewhere behind me as the fog of my emotions started to clear. The guilt ripped through me for deliberately trying to humiliate her. Xander took a few steps toward me. Figured that I was going to get my ass beat. Probably deserved it at this point.

Buffy stood there shaking as we kept our gazes locked. She was jealous of me moving on without her. And instead of taking the crumb of hope offered I had turned it around and dashed it. As she brought her hand up to slap me. I knew that if I had handled it differently I might have been able to take a step closer to what I wanted. Back to her.

I grabbed her hand before it made contact.

"No more. Buffy. I will not be your whipping boy anymore."

The words stunned both of us with its accuracy. In that moment we both knew that it was true. The realization burned through me like lightening. And my world was more focused than it had been in a long time. It wasn't a matter any longer of the vampire waiting for a chance with the object of his crush. Or a man continually denied his one desire. Time had changed us. Had changed me. I had a life developing around me. A house. The people that had only tolerated me before were now becoming my friends. I had made friends of my own and somewhere out there was a human woman that was interested in me. If Buffy ever came back to me it would be on even ground. No longer a favor that I had to be grateful for. After all this time we were equals.

It hit me. That was the fear in her eyes. She was worried that she wasn't good enough for me anymore. That I had moved beyond her and I wouldn't be waiting for her anymore.

She pulled her arm from my hand. And started to back up.

"Buffy."

She ignored my attempt at contact. An attempt to establish that we were still connected. That somewhere and sometime that we would be together again.

"Dawn, its time to go."

Without waiting for her Buffy turned to leave. Dawn brushed past me only looking at me briefly with eyes filled with hurt and anger. As Buffy crossed through the front door she looked back at me for a moment. I waited for her to say or do something. But she didn't. She was gone.

I stood there in my confusion and pain. Xander cleared his throat. Great. It was time for the ass kicking.

"Let's get this done. I told Anya I would be over to her place in time for dinner."

He surprised me. The incident between Buffy and me wasn't mentioned. We went back to work and managed to get all the cabinets out that afternoon. It felt good as we looked around the empty room. Now it would be time to start putting in the new ones. But later. Once we were done Xander didn't stick around long. He had Anya waiting for him. Lucky guy. Things hadn't been easy for them but at least they were working on it.

I wish I could say the same for Buffy and me. As time went on the space between us kept getting wider. And she just didn't seem to care as much. Yeah, she still wanted me. But then she had always wanted me. But it seemed that she was moving on with her life. Maybe I should just back off and leave her alone. Let her have her chance with Richard.

After I took a shower I threw myself onto my bed and turned the TV on. Hoping to get lost in the oblivion of mindless entertainment. But as an old movie played my mind kept wandering to Buffy. Of her being there with me. I remembered back to the days when I had that mannequin that I would talk to as if she was there. And the Buffybot that I had Warren create. But nothing could compare to the real thing that I had held for such a short time. Nothing ever would again. My loneliness was getting harder to bear each day. Who was I kidding? The hell with this Richard guy. I wanted her back. On any terms.

Finally, I feel asleep holding the pillow wishing it was her. The next thing I knew the phone was ringing. It's incessant playing of some ridiculous tune Dawn had chosen kept pushing through my sleep. My hand reached out searching for it. When I found it I pulled it my ear.

"What?" I barked out. I had been lost in a dreamless world without her in it. That's where I wanted to stay.

The sound of crying came through the phone. Then a voice filled with pain came through to me.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called you."

Then silence as the caller hung up. It had been Buffy. I squinted at the faceplate to see what time it was. Two AM. I tried calling her back. But only got her voice mail. As I pulled on some clothes I kept trying to call her. Still no answer. I broke every speed limit law there was while I drove to her apartment. Bringing the bike to a screeching stop at her front door. The door was locked and there was no answer to my knock. I walked around to the patio. The sliding glass door's lock was easily broken when I pulled back on it.

Only silence greeted me when I entered the apartment. No crying. No voices. No movement. But the smell of blood came to me. Strong and fresh. Fuck. Buffy had been hurt. I ran down the hall looking in the bathroom but she wasn't there. Her bedroom was next at the end of the hall. I stopped in the doorway as I saw her. Shock at seeing what she had done hit me. I started to move toward her taking in what was before me. She was sitting on the floor her back to the wall. Her legs spread out in front of her. The t-shirt she was wearing was pulled up nearly to her breasts.

There was blood all over her. Cuts fresh and still bleeding covered her legs and stomach. The knife still clutched in her hand. It's blade still poised above her leg. I must have interrupted her ritual. At my entrance her eyes came to look at me. Glazed over. Lost in her own escape.

This afternoon when she was strung out I should have known. I moved slowly across the room coming to crouch down in front of her.

"Hey." She just looked at me. Like I was a figment of her imagination. My hand reached carefully for the knife. Her hand tightened on its handle. I dropped my hand away from her.

"Bad day?"

Her eyes closed and she moved her head to face away from me. The hand with the knife moved to rest on the floor.

"Go away."

"No. I'm not going anywhere. Already told you that."

Buffy drew her legs up and winced at the pain as she stretched some of the cuts. I left her for a moment to get a washcloth dampened it and grabbed some antibacterial cream from out of the cabinet. She didn't say anything as she watched me clean her cuts up. Letting me move her legs when I needed to.

When I had finished dabbing the cream on her. I reached up and pulled the t-shirt back down around her waist. I looked up in surprise as her hand weaved its way through my hair.

"Hold me." A simple request. Yeah, I could do that. Hold her. I gathered her into my arms and laid her down in the bed. Pulling the covers over her. After I turned the light off I laid down with her. Spooning myself into her back. I reached across her taking her hand in mine.

"I woke up to a nightmare. And you weren't here." In the dark it was safe. Safe to say what was in your heart. And whispering your fears to a dead man didn't make them real. Somehow she read my thoughts. She squeezed my hand.

"Don't think that. You are life. You gave me back my life."

I buried my face in the soft cascade of her hair. Inhaling the scent of her. My heaven.

"So, what happened? Besides the nightmare." I muffled because I wasn't moving. Going to enjoy every second that I was in her bed.

"Tomorrow." A soft laugh. "Today."

"The adoption?"

She nodded her head as she took a deep breath. The tears were fighting their way to the surface again.

"I thought you were okay with it?"

"For Dawn. It's what's best for her. She needs it." Her voice quavered with her hurt.

"And you?" I moved to prop myself up on my elbow so that I could look down at her. Kissing her shoulder. My lips moved softly across her skin.

"Another failure." She rolled over onto her back to look up at me. Our hands still clinging together.

"How's it going with Sara? Are you still going?"

"Yeah. Every Wednesday at 4 PM."

Even as we spoke of other things I could see it there in her eyes. Desire. Longing. Closing my eyes I told myself no. To not give in to the temptation.

"She says not to be so hard on myself. That even if I am the Slayer that I am only human." A tear slid down her cheek. Falling onto her pillow between us. "I just thought that…" Her voice fell off leaving the thought undone.

"Once you started going. Once the decision to get better was made that everything would be easy." I finished it for her. But it wasn't. Some things were better and some things were harder. "You just have to keep fighting. Six years of pain isn't going to be solved in three months."

She took her hand from mine bringing in up to cup my cheek.

"I miss you. Sleeping with you. Having you take care of me. I don't like it when we fight."

Lifting herself off the bed she rose up to kiss me. Her lips meeting mine in an explosion of need. I met her halfway with all the longing that was inside of me. Our tongues mating and dancing. Fighting to satisfy our craving for the other.

She turned to me her body meeting mine. Her hand reached between us to pull the comforter out of the way. My hand reached out and stopped her.

"No."

I was breathing as hard as her. My body mimicked the depth of my emotions.

She tried to kiss me again and I turned my head. Her mouth settled in the crook of my neck. Her tongue blazing trails against my flesh.

"Buffy, no." My hand on her shoulder pushed her back onto the bed. "Not like this. Not when you are trying to escape."

I was calling myself every name in the book. The wanting of her would only leave me in pain with no way of release. But I knew that if we did make love tonight that tomorrow it would only put more distance between us. I had to gamble on forever. Not just tonight.

We settled back down and I held her till dawn. Watching over her while she slept. When it was almost sunrise I moved away from her. Leaving her with a kiss on the corner of her mouth.

"Love you, baby."

I was moving through the door when I heard her.

"I love you, too."

What could I do? I turned to look to make sure she was awake. She was. I smiled at her and left. I was alone and so was she. But now more than ever hope was burning in my chest.

Chapter 33 - Just Like A Pill

I'm lyin' here on the floor where you left me
I think I took too much
I'm crying here, what have you done?
I thought it would be fun
I can't stay on your life support,
There's a shortage in the switch,
I can't stay on your morphine,
Cuz it's making me itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again
But she's being a little bitch
I think I'll get outta here, where I can
Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better,
You keep makin' me ill
Pink

On the way back from the courthouse Dawn made Giles stop by and pick me up. She came through the living room calling my name. I was just slipping into my shoes when she arrived. Seeing that it was a special occasion for Dawn I had dressed for it. She headed down the hallway after I hollered out that I was in my room. She turned the corner and came to a stop in my doorway. Her eyes widening as she looked at me.

"Whoa, Spike! If Buffy doesn't do a turn around after seeing you like that, she definitely has something wrong with her head."

I laughed at her comment as she took in my dress clothes. I was dressed all in black. The shirt was a button down with vertical pleats covering it tucked into crepe wide leg pants.

"So, it looks good?" I asked her opinion since I obviously couldn't see what I looked like. These were some of the clothes that Cordelia and Fred had helped me pick out and this was the first time I was wearing them.

"Good just doesn't cover it." I turned to look at her in surprise. My eyes searched hers for what motivated her to say it. I knew that she used to have a crush on me and I didn't want to have to hurt her again. But all I saw in the depths of her eyes was friendly admiration.

"Come on. Giles is waiting for us." Since he hadn't come in I was assuming that he was out waiting in the car. She turned and started to make her way back down the hall. When we reached the living room I asked her to stop for a minute while I picked up a blanket for me to cover myself with. Underneath the blanket I had hidden two presents one for her and one for Giles. Even if I didn't totally agree with this whole adoption thing I knew that it was important to both of them.

"Presents." She squealed when I uncovered them. Then laughed when she saw they were both done up in baby shower wrapping paper. "Can I open it now?"

"Later. Let's go."

She carried the presents while I threw the blanket over my head and made a dash for the car. I jumped into the back seat lying down with the blanket still covering me. Dawn put the presents down next to me and then sat in the front seat.

When we got back to the house I let her open her present after telling her that the present was also from Tara. She had done the shopping for me this afternoon. Since the mall was a little difficult for me to maneuver in the middle of the day.

For Dawn I had gotten her a fuzzy pink blanket and a teddy bear holding a rattle. And for Giles a box of cigars. It was Tara's idea to stay on the baby theme. They both liked their presents so it seemed that it was a good idea. Dawn snuggled down into the blanket on the corner of the couch holding the teddy bear. I sat down on the opposite end and we watched a movie until the others arrived.

Buffy and Richard were the last ones to get there. As they came though the door everybody got quiet and looked at me. I stood and moved to the back of the room. I honestly didn't know how I would react seeing him face to face for the first time. Everybody else had already met him. The greetings and small talk took place for a few minutes. Buffy was avoiding looking at me.

I gathered up my typical sarcasm and defense shields as I made my way toward them. It's funny when a storm is gathering how people react. They parted to let me through as I walked toward them. Dawn came to stand beside me. The conversation slowly stopped. The tension was thick as I stood before her and the man that replaced me. Buffy looked at me wary in the pending disaster. For only a brief moment did I look back at her before I turned to him.

I stuck my hand out to the little asshole. Maybe that's an unfair name to call him. Maybe under different circumstances I might actually have liked him. It was extremely doubtful though.

"You must be the DICK that Buffy has been dating?" I asked him in my most cordial voice. Like I was so glad to meet him. Buffy shot me a look to behave myself. Me, I just stood there and smiled. Dawn giggled beside me. The look on his face was priceless. But being the proper young man that he was he reached a hand out to shake mine. I think I might have gripped it a little too hard because he winced at the pressure.

"I don't use a nickname. Richard will be fine."

"Oh, I apologize. I thought I had heard someone refer to you as Dick." Buffy kicked me in the leg to emphasize her earlier look.

"And you are?"

I raised an eyebrow at him like he should know who the hell I was.

"I'm Spike."

He still looked a little blank. So, Dawn helped him out a little.

"He's the guy she was dating when you came along." Sometimes you gotta love the Niblet. She was clearly letting him know that he was the outsider and had messed things up between Buffy and me.

Richard turned to look at Buffy with a quizzical look.

"I thought you told me his name was William."

"Spike's a nickname. Come on let's go into the living room and sit down." She took him by the arm and led him in to take a seat on the couch. Shooting me a dirty look over her shoulder as she went. She sat beside him still clutching his hand. I followed them in sitting in a chair across from them. Sitting in my usual fashion of legs completely spread. As the conversation flowed around us Buffy's gaze just kept wandering between them no matter how hard she tried not too. It was great to know that even holding on to him she still wanted me.

Soon we all stood to head out to dinner. As everyone was gathering their coats and stuff Buffy excused herself to go upstairs for a minute. I followed her up and waited outside the bathroom until she came out. She stopped when she saw me then turned to head downstairs. I reached out and took a hold of her arm.

"Did you have to be so rude?" She asked as she pulled her arm free from me.

"And did you expect me to just accept him with open arms?"

"No. Not really." A sigh then she smiled at me a little shyly. "Thanks again for last night."

Reaching my hand out I brushed a stray lock of hair back behind her ear.

"Things better today?" Her eyes fluttered shut for a moment at the contact between us. The hunger had been reawakened in its full need last night. For the both of us. Our bodies were speaking their own language not caring what our minds and hearts wanted. What her heart and mind wanted anyway. Mine were fully aligned with my body.

"Yeah. I called and talked to Sara for a little bit. So, between you and her I feel better about things."

She didn't even know it but her pulse was picking up speed. Her breath went a little deeper than normal. When we turned to go back downstairs our hands brushed together sending a shock of pleasure through me. She let the contact remain for a second longer than necessary before preceding me down the stairs. Leaving me to follow her watching the sway of her hips as she moved.

When we went to dinner I was placed by Dawn between her and Anya. Buffy was across the table with Giles on her left and Richard on her right. Xander was on the other side of Anya. Willow was at the head of table with Tara on her left. I tried to ignore Buffy and Richard through dinner taking the time to talk to the other people around me. After watching him touch her and whisper in her ear and just generally play cutesy for the next hour I decided revenge was in order. And the beautiful thing was he would never know it. I scooted forward in my chair leaning my arms against the table as I slipped my foot from its shoe. She jumped and her drink went flying at the first contact against her shin. It was just a gentle stroke up and down the length of her leg.

Richard played the knight helping her clean it up. I waited until she was settled again before reaching over again. My foot rested against her foot as I caressed her ankle. This time she didn't react at all. Well, at least not visibly. Her conversation continued with him and Anya as I moved my foot upwards. Her eyes darted toward me. Trying to send me a signal to stop. But I ignored her and kept talking to Giles about some demons. She clamped her thighs shut as my foot slid between them. When I acted like I was trying to pull away from her, she opened her legs to give me room to leave. I had to smile because as she spread them I dived in. Resting my foot on the chair between her legs.

She audibly gasped as my toes wiggled against her. As everyone turned to look at her she stammered out that a bug must have bitten her or something. Richard offered to see if there was anything under the table. As he lifted the tablecloth I moved my foot away and slid it back into my shoe. Of course nothing was found and the rest of dinner was a bit of a bore. Except for the looks alternating between anger and lust that Buffy shot my way.

Dawn wanted to go to the Bronze afterwards. After making sure that Willow and Tara would see her home Giles agreed to let her. I was going to have Giles drop me off when Dawn asked me to go for her. Kind of be her date because everyone else was paired off. At this point I owed her a couple of favors so I agreed. But as soon as we got there she ended up heading off with some friends. Leaving me alone to sulk. And watch her with him. Taking her out on the dance floor and holding her close.

As he was speaking to some people I didn't know she broke away from him. She moved through the crowd toward the stairs. I watched her as she looked over her shoulder to make sure she wasn't being followed. Then she headed up to the catwalk. I waited until she was leaning against the railing before I went to her. Came up behind her leaning forward putting my hands on the railing beside hers. Her bottom nestled against my crotch as I moved forward against her. Rested my chin on her shoulder. She shifted so that our faces were touching. Her cheek pressed against mine.

"I could make love to you right now. No one would ever know." I whispered to her grinding my self against her. The response I was waiting for came as a soft moan. Her eyes closing against the realization that she wanted me to do it.

"I would know." She told me softly but she didn't move away.

"Does he make you feel the way I do?" I moved my hand from the railing to her hip. Down her thigh then back up pulling her skirt with it.

"No one could."

Her hand came down to cover mine stopping me.

"Don't."

I moved my hand letting her skirt drop back down. Then sliding slowly around her coming to rest on her belly. Her head turned so that her forehead was resting along my jaw. Slowly moving back and forth. Her hair tickled my nose.

"Why are you the only one who can move me like this?"

She almost sounded afraid of the connection between us.

"Because I am the one you are meant to be with."

Her hand moved down the railing till it was touching mine. Her fingers moving across mine.

"Look down there." I waited until she was staring down at the crowd. "See him. The man you want to be with. He's laughing and having fun oblivious as to who you really are. What you are capable of. You don't belong with him. You belong with me."

I moved to kiss the nape of her neck. My tongue traveled along her skin till I reached the spot where I had bitten her. My teeth tenderly scrapped the scar then sucked on it. Finally releasing it to go back to resting my chin on her shoulder.

"Did you want her?" She asked me hesitantly. In a way she wanted to know the answer and in a way she didn't.

"Yes." Donna was gone and it was a mute point. There wasn't a reason not to be honest at this point.

"Is it possible to love and want two people at the same time?' Her head turned slightly so she could read my face. But I hoped the mask that I wanted to project was in its place.

"Do you love him?" I couldn't say the word want in connection to him and her. The rage was beating against the wall again.

"I don't know. I think so. He's everything that I thought I wanted." By this time she had turned away again. Even I could barely hear her over the din of the music.

Her next question threw me off guard. Leaving me in a further quandary of hope and desperation.

"If we had children would you love them and protect them?"

My hand covering her belly softly stroked over where her womb was. A loving gesture for a child not yet there.

"I never said I wouldn't. Just that it was unlikely to happen."

Her hand came to cover mine but yet she didn't try to remove it.

"But you said you didn't want any."

My hand moved further down her belly to cup her through her skirt. She arched her back as the pleasure coursed through her. Bringing her in closer proximity to my erection.

"I won't hurt if we never would. But to see you swell with our child is an idea that is growing on me."

She gave a soft sigh as she turned her face back to me. A kiss on my jaw was my reward.

"You'd never leave me?"

I turned my head to make sure that no one was around as I moved my hand back to rest on her stomach. Moving it slowly toward her breast. Covering it with my hand. Massaging it before moving to my attention to her hardening nipple. Her head dropped back against my shoulder. Tilted so that her face was against mine. Her nose rubbed against my ear.

"I will always be here for you. You know that."

"Would you still love me when I am old and gray? When my body is wrinkled and not so firm?" She chuckled quietly at the memory of my words.

"Would you still love me when you are old and gray and I still look the same as I do today?"

She pulled away just enough to look at me. That was something else that she hadn't thought about that I would never age and she would. If she were with me it would be awkward as time passed.

A soft sigh crossed her lips and she leaned her forehead against my cheek.

"No matter where I go or what I do you will always be the one who can reach me. The one I can't resist."

Her words a soft whisper across my skin. I waited as she fought herself then I don't know if she gave up or what. But her lips met mine. Inquisitive. Lonely. A step closer and she was against me again. Her hands came to rest on my hips. The kiss ended her eyes searching in mine. For an answer that she still couldn't find. Even though she was holding it in her arms.

"Spike, I need you to let go. As long as you hold on I will never be able to figure this out."

A sound of someone coming up the stairs stopped me from replying. We stepped apart looking over to see Richard coming our way. He stopped at the top step and looked from her to me.

"Am I interrupting something?"

"No, we were just talking." She answered him then moved toward him. Her hand was still in mine and I held it for as long as possible. She looked back at me before she left with him. Her eyes pleaded with me to let her go.

One day it would fall apart. This fantasy she was forcing to happen. I don't what it would take. Boredom. Loneliness. Having to keep so much of herself hidden. And no one to make her feel the way I did. Something or anything and then she would realize that it wasn't real. And she would come back to me.

Authors Note: A special thanks to Slayers Gift for reading each chapter ten times until it is done. And to DarrylJ for answering my question giving me the assurance to leave this chapter as is.

Chapter 34 - Baby Did A Bad Bad Thing

You ever love so much you thought your little heart was gonna break in two?
I didn't think so.
You ever tried with all your heart and soul to get your lover back to you?
I wanna hope so.
You ever pray with all your heart and soul just to watch her walk away?
You ever toss and turn your lying awake and thinking about the one you love?
I don't think so.
You ever close your eyes you making believe you're holding the one you love?
Well if you say so.
It hurts so bad when you finally know just how low, low, low, low, low, she'll go.
Baby did a bad bad thing, feel like crying
Chris Isaak

I stayed up on the catwalk until the tears had quit running down my face and the pain in my chest eased a little. With the back of my hand I wiped away the tears from my face and turned to leave. Dawn would be safe with Willow and Tara there was no reason for me to stay. I moved quickly through the shadows toward the back door. There was no way I could face any of them now. I couldn't speak even if I saw them. The grief was choking me leaving me to try to swallow it away. All I wanted was to curl into a ball somewhere and howl all the pain away from me.

Nothing could keep me from my destination. The first bottle of whiskey that I could find. A dark corner of Willie's was my hiding spot. The bottle and a shot glass were put on the table in front of me. Without thought of my motions I poured the first glassful. Picked it up bringing it to my mouth. Throwing my head and letting it hit the back of my throat with a welcome flame. It burned down into my belly. I poured the second glass and picked up.

Then a voice soft and hesitant echoed through my head. I looked up and she was there soft and shimmering in my imagination. Her eyes glowed with an affection that only is built through an eternity of love. Her words giving me hope.

As long as you hold on I will never be able to figure this out.

Let me go.

Give me the freedom to find my way back to you.

Give me the room to make my mistakes so that I know that you are the only right thing left.

Let me burn my bridges so that the only place to go is back to you.

It hit me low in my gut in that place where decisions are made with our hearts and soul. I had to let her go. I put the glass back down on the table and walked out. Once I knew what I had to do I was still hesitant to tell her. There would be no turning back from this. And I could only hope that somewhere she would be mine again. Before this thing had gone too far.

Several cemeteries later and a few staked vampires later I turned to go to her place. It was only a little bit past midnight. I would tell her and leave. As I approached her place I noticed it. His car was still in the driveway. My reasoning told me that he would be leaving soon. She didn't want him there was no reason for him to be there.

I moved across the street into the little park that was there and took a seat on a bench facing her door. Only the small flickering lights of candles illuminated her apartment. My pack of cigarettes almost didn't last as I waited for him to leave. There was a rip in my heart that grew more jagged and bloody as each minute passed. My good intentions were taken away by the images burning in my mind.

Her naked body writhing under him as he took what was mine. His name called out in the throes of her orgasm. His cum spilling out into her. The sweat of the two of them coating her body. His breath mingling with hers as they panted in the exertions of their joining.

Without realizing what I was doing I vamped out. Going into full predator mode. Protector of my mate. My woman. My love. I crouched down underneath the tree by her door where I could wait for him to leave. My hands balanced me. Where with just one push off of my feet and hands I could pounce on him and rip his throat out before he even knew what was attacking him. The chip was forgotten as I planned revenge. As I saw red.

The night was almost gone when he finally left. His shirt was fastened by only a few buttons. Obviously pulled on as he exited her bed. His shoes were carried in his hand. He looked around as he heard me growl. It was the deep thundering growl of a demon that had been caged for way too long. But he didn't see me as he turned to hurry to his car. As I lunged for him the chip in my fucking skull went off leaving me to land on the ground in impotent fury. A howl ripped through me. Mourning the loss of a perfect kill. The stupid fucker must have been lost in the glory of his conquest because he never noticed me.

But she was still there. He could be taken care of another time. There is more than way to take a life. Sometimes murder was like revenge and you didn't even have to touch them to affect them. A malevolent grin crossed my face as I thought of the pleasure it would be to make her pay for all my hurt. Poor baby thought she had tamed me. That a soul could cage the beast within me. Turn me into a pet that could be played with when she remembered or had the time.

The silly bint hadn't gotten her sliding glass door fixed from last night. Was it only last night that I had taken care of her bewildering sorrow and guilt? Tonight I would be cause of it. I stepped into her living room and listened for where she was. The bathroom. How nice that she would be in a place that held such infinite torture possibilities. The air was only filled with the cloying smell of candles when I sniffed the air. It probably would have made me wretch if the scent of their fucking was the dominant smell. I moved down the hallway growling out a warning that I was going to begin an attack.

The water was running. Hot and steamy. Her shadow was visible behind the curtain. She was naked and wet just a few feet from me. I remembered how her body got a rosy hue from the heat of the water. How the curls between her legs hung as straight as the hair on her head when they were wet. Remembered how good it felt to pick her up burying myself in her heat as the water fell over and around us. My tongue darted out and ran across my lips as I thought of her lying beneath me still soaking wet. Pleading for release.

I reached into my pocket for my last cigarette. Putting it between my lips and lighting it. Taking a deep drag into my lungs. She jumped as the smoke curled into the air alerting her to my presence.

"Who's there?" She called out as I saw her shadow take on a defense stance. It was actually kind of amusing at the time.

"It's only me, Baby."

"Spike?" She pulled the curtain back to look at me. Her eyes widening when she saw me in game face. "What's going on?"

"We need to talk." Simple and to the point. She didn't need to know yet what I was planning for her. She just nodded her head at me and held out her hand.

"Hand me a towel."

I picked up a towel and held it up for her. Like I used to. Waiting for her to step into it. She grabbed it away from me and wrapped it around her before she stepped out. I stood my ground refusing to move aside to let her pass. She had to brush against me in order to get away from the tub. I inhaled deeply as she went by me. It was all Buffy. Only her scent clung to her.

"Am I not good enough to look at you anymore?" My voice cracked over my emotions as I hung my head.

She grabbed another towel bending over to wrap her hair in it. Then she dismissed me like I was nothing. A casual turn away to the vanity and I was no longer important.

"I asked you a bloody question. Have I gone back to not being good enough for you?" She flinched as I shouted at her. Then turned to face me with no fear in her eyes.

"Spike, go home. I'll come over later when you have calmed down." She acted like I was going to take whatever orders she issued out to me. Like I was second rate or something. "I was going to come over and talk to you anyway."

"Why? Why the fuck would you come over to talk to me? To soddin' brag about it?" Her total lack of feeling at the moment amazed me. Just hours ago she was asking me if I would never leave her. Asking me if I would love our children. Her body wanted mine tonight. Then she came home and crawled into bed with him. Now, she was acting as if nothing had happened.

"I don't know what the hell you are so upset about. Just leave. I am not going to talk to you when you are like this." Then she turned from me again.

Through my rage that was finally free I went to her. Her body was fragile as I turned her to face me. Holding onto her wrists I twisted her arms around her back and leaned against her. It was then that I saw it. A perfect diamond solitaire was lying on the counter. Sparkling out its glorious intentions in the glare of the bathroom light. Now, I knew why.

"Spike, let go of me. You're hurting me." Her body twisted against mine as she tried to get away.

"Then we're even because that's all you've ever done to me." My words were intentionally cruel as I moved down to look down at her. Her eyes filled with hurt as they cut deep into her. It was then that she started to cry.

"Stop this. Please. Don't do this." I didn't know if meant the physical or emotional hurt that I was laying on her. Whatever she meant it to be was lost as she pushed back from the counter with her hips. Her upper body slammed into mine sending me backwards. I was still holding on to her when I started to fall. She came crashing down with me. Hitting her lower back then her head on the edge of the tub. Finally coming to land half on top of me.

"Buffy, are you okay? Buffy?" I turned us so she was laying on her back on the other side of me. As she started to open her eyes a deep moan of pain moved through her. My game face and my rage had been lost in the moments of our fall. In my fear that she was hurt. My love for her slammed back through me and I felt a shame that overwhelmed me.

"No. Nothing is okay." She turned on her side away from me. Her hand held her back where she had hurt it. At her end with me and with everything she began to weep. Great gulping cries that rocked through the core of her being.

I reached out to touch her. My hand came to rest on her shoulder stroking it gently. Just held her until the storm had passed. Until there was only small sniffles left as she gathered herself together. It was time. To tell her. To end my dreams. I didn't want to ask about the ring or her plans. I didn't want to hear. Being here with her was tearing me apart. It was time to make a clean cut and run. Before something else happened that couldn't be undone.

"I'm sorry." I moved to rest my forehead on her shoulder. My tears trailed across her skin still damp from the shower. "I came here tonight to tell you that I would let you go. Do what you asked me to do."

Maybe one of us could be happy that way. Stop this constant torment between us. She was free to go for her dreams. I wouldn't be there anymore. I started to pull away from her but she rolled over onto her back to look up at me. Her hand came to cup my face.

"Don't, Buffy. Don't give me reasons to hope."

Her hand dropped away from me. Confusion clouded her eyes. I reached a finger out to trace her face and then her lips.

"Be happy, Baby." I stood and reached a hand down to her. She took it and I pulled her to her feet. Then I turned to leave moving down the hallway as quickly as I could. She softly called my name as I left. But I didn't respond. If I paused or slowed down I would never leave. Went out the front door this time. As I opened the door I saw my duster hanging on a hook by the door. With a laugh I grabbed it and took it with me. It was garbage day. The duster found its new home on top of someone's kitchen slop. The trophy was meaningless now and she didn't need it to protect her anymore. There was someone else for that.

Chapter 35 - If I Should Fall Behind

We said we'd walk together
Baby come what may
Back from the twilight
Should we lose our way
As we were walking
A hand should slip free
I'll wait for you
Should I fall behind wait for me
Faith Hill

"Hey."

I knew that she was there even before she said a word to me. I had known it the moment she had walked into the house. Her footstep light as she stepped into my room. I was lying face down on my bed reading and as she walked further inside I watched her movements over my shoulder. She must have come straight from work because she was still in her uniform. The takeout bag from the restaurant in her hand was placed into the refrigerator.

"I brought you wings." As she turned to face me I returned to my book hoping that if I ignored her long enough that she would leave. From the corner of my eye I saw her look around her then back at me. "If you got some furniture people might be inclined to visit more."

She stood for a moment waiting for me to respond to her. There was nervousness about the way that she stood with her hands clasped together. I guess she gave up on me because she turned away from me toward the door again. She went to stand next to the wall leaning on it. Her shoes were slipped off and left there. It was only a few steps to return to me. The mattress gave slightly as she stepped onto it then more of a give as she sat down. Her leg leaned against mine as she crossed her legs.

"What do you want?" I asked over my shoulder at her.

"We need to talk."

"Talked enough this morning."

There was nothing else to say as far as I could see. She glanced down at her hands that were clutched together in her lap. Then she looked back up at me. Her eyes meeting mine with no apology or shame in their green depths. Actually there was a light in them that I hadn't seen in a long time.

"No, we didn't talk. You pulled a Buffy. You dumped and then you ran." She moved her hand to rest on my leg. I jerked away from her as her casual touch made me quiver in need. Her hand dropped back into her lap as she gave me a quizzical look.

"Richard called me this morning." At his name I looked away from her. Did she really think that I wanted to hear about them? "He told me that when he left there was a wild dog or something outside of my place. That it sounded like it was going to attack him. And when I went to investigate all I saw was boot prints."

I rolled over on my side and threw my free hand up in the air.

"So, stake me or whatever you are going to do. Just get it over with and leave me alone." I practically shouted it at her. I pulled myself up so that I was sitting up, mimicking her position of sitting cross-legged. There was darkening of her eyes as she looked at me.

"So, that was you." She put her shoulders back and sighed. "And that's was what this morning was about. Richard."

"What the hell did you think it was about?" I reached over the edge of the mattress and grabbed a smoke. Needed something to do with my hands to squash the feeling of wanting to shake some sense into her. She watched me as I took one out and lit it. Her mind lost in the memory of this morning. It was going to come soon. The usual line that I was a 'bastard' and I didn't have any business in her life anymore. The warning to stay away from them. But she surprised me.

"Do you really think that I am that kind of girl?" There was so much insecurity in her question that it made me hurt for her. She sounded like a little girl whose parents had taken away a favorite doll or something.

"What kind of girl, Buffy?" I asked her as I crushed out the cigarette before I had taken even a few drags. The mood had changed and so had my need for a crutch.

"The kind of girl that would be holding you and loving you. And then go home and sleep with someone else." There was bewilderment in her voice as she explained her question to me. A small curl of hope started somewhere in me but I refused to listen to it. Even if she did look like someone had struck her.

"The evidence was pretty overwhelming. It was almost dawn before he left."

"Why didn't you knock on the door? Or ask me before you went all attack modey?" I looked at her in amazement because she seemed honestly confused as to why I would think she was fucking him.

"What the hell was I supposed to ask you? Gee, Buffy, did you reach your happy point?" This was going nowhere fast. But as I was losing control she started to giggle. That turned into full laughter that shook her small frame. It was just adding insult to injury and I started to stand. She reached out and grabbed my wrists pulling me back down.

There was weariness in me as I sat back down. Her hands continued to hold mine. How much more torture was she going to give me? I looked away from her as she laughed at me.

"Please don't do this. Please." I didn't need her to humiliate me. I could manage that on my own as a single tear rolled down my cheek. She stopped laughing when she realized how distressed I was. Her hands came out to cup my cheeks. Her thumb wiped away the tear. And the ones that followed.

"I'm sorry I wasn't laughing at you. Happy point. When the hell have you ever said that before? It just struck me as funny." She sighed softly as I continued to keep my eyes closed with my head bowed. Then she leaned forward to kiss me softly on the lips. It was a kiss of comfort and friendship.

"Spike, look at me." Her hands brought my face up but I still refused to look at her. "Please look at me."

I opened my eyes baring my soul to her with the depth of my anguish and self-doubt there for her to see. Her eyes met mine with compassion filling them.

"Listen to me, okay? I did not have sex with Richard."

"Why are you lying to me?" I searched her face looking for a sign that maybe she was telling the truth. Her eyes bore directly into mine with no hesitation.

"I'm not. He stayed late because we were talking. He saw us kissing at the Bronze. That was why he came upstairs to get me. And he wanted and deserved an explanation. He pretty much knows everything but the slaying and demons. He knows about you and me. About the cutting and stuff."

"Nothing happened between you two but talking?" My question was offered hesitantly. My heart begging that she was telling the truth.

"No, nothing happened beyond the talking." I reached up to cover her hands that were still on my face. A relief started to ease its way through me. She wasn't lying to me. It was clear there in her eyes. I would be an idiot not to know that there was some stuff going on with them. Just like there had been between Donna and me. But as long as he hadn't taken her yet I could survive.

"It hurts that you would even think that I would do that. But I understand why you did. You and I should take stock in a luggage company with as much baggage as we carry." I smiled at her words because they were true. Drusilla had never been faithful to me always screwing around with Angel making me feel less than adequate. I never gave Buffy the benefit of the doubt. She was paying for my past and I was paying for hers.

"I'm sorry." It was so inadequate for what I had done. For the first time I was thankful for the chip in my head that I wasn't able to hurt him. She smiled gently at me as her hands turned to hold mine again in her lap. "Did I hurt you?"

"No. But the tub sure did." She was trying to make me feel less guilty for my actions. Something that I appreciated but didn't feel that I deserved. I took a hand back and leaned so that I could see where she had hit. Glancing quickly at her to make sure she wasn't going to smack me or something I carefully lifted her shirt. The bruise was big and ugly. Still in its first stages it was a black stain against the whiteness of her skin. My fingers ran lightly across the result of my insecurity causing her to wince at the pressure. But she didn't push me away. Pulling myself up slightly I moved so that I could soothingly kiss it. Her hand rested on my back as I moved over her. As I sat back down she didn't break contact just letting it go with me. When I was settled it rested on my shoulder.

"What about the ring?" The easy mood between us was tense again as I remembered that she was promised to someone else. But she wasn't wearing it so maybe there was hope there too.

"Richard and I talked about that too. He actually wasn't going to give me the ring yet but had been saving it for later. Then he gave it to me as we were talking. Told me to hold onto it until I made my decision."

"He wants to marry you."

"Yeah, and he wants me to go to Dallas with him. He's leaving next month. That's why he's rushing with the ring and stuff." She said it as easily as she could. Not wanting to hurt me more.

I sighed knowing the pain had only been put off for later. Now if she chose him not only wouldn't she be mine. She would be gone completely.

"What about Dawn?"

The guilt danced across her face when I mentioned her sister. She was going to leave all of us behind if she did this. It was then that I realized that would probably be a big factor in what she chose.

"Don't make me feel guilty."

"Why not? Not only are you thinking about leaving me but about leaving all of us behind. Do you really think we can go through that again?" The bitterness overflowed in me like bile. I almost couldn't look into her face as she defended herself.

"And I didn't ask to be brought back did I?" There was as much anger in her voice as there was bitterness in mine. Then she shook her head slightly. "Spike, please understand. It's not about who I love. Or who loves me more? It's about what I want for my life."

She paused trying to get her thoughts in order and to control her emotions. I waited for her. That much I owed her.

"When I fell apart and ran away last year I thought that was my only alternative to what was going on. I have never felt that I had a choice in being a Slayer. My destiny. The one girl in all the world and all the other bullshit that was crammed down my throat pushed me into a corner. A corner that I didn't necessarily want to be in. When I died I was in a place that was warm and safe. A relief from the life I had been living. Then to be brought back like that it broke me in a way."

I don't even think she knew that the tears were falling down her cheeks as she spoke from a place deep inside her. Her hands had been pulled back into her lap as she started to wring them together. I reached over and took a hold of them.

"I'm right here. Keep going."

As I took her hands a shudder ran through her. Then she inhaled deeply giving her the strength to keep going.

"You brought me back from the brink of disaster. I will never be able to thank you enough for that. When I started to see Sara and I started to really open up. She just looked at me one day and asked me why I did it. If I didn't want to do it then why did I. For the first time someone told me I had a choice."

She squeezed my hands and leaned forward resting her head on my chest. I freed one hand so I could run it through her hair. Sitting back up she sniffled and asked me for a tissue. I didn't have any so I went into the bathroom and got some toilet paper for her to use. She blew her nose and wiped her face dry with the heel of her hands.

"I'm a mess, aren't I?"

"Yeah." Today was a day for honesty so why should I stop now. We shared a laugh that was somehow like a bond being reformed between us.

"Okay. I'm not done yet." A patient smile crossed my face but I actually wanted to hear this through. Wondering what else she would reveal. "Baby, please understand it's not a choice between you and him. Because if it was based on who could love me more it would be you. And I'm sorry that I have pushed you away for so long. But I can't be around you without wanting you." She hesitated as she attempted to choose her next words carefully. "I need to make this decision with a clear head. Not one that is based on emotional need only. That's one of the reasons I haven't slept with Richard. Because I need to decide if I want to continue to fight this battle or if I want to be normal again."

"And I am part of the Slayer package. The whole demon bit and everything." It was starting to make sense even to me. Her eyes lit up as she realized that I understood where she was coming from.

"When I make my decision it is going to be based on what I want and can handle with all the sacrifices that come with it."

"Do you love him?" She had just pretty much implied that if it weren't for this 'choice' she would have slept with him by now. Was it just physical or was she falling for him too?

"He's a good man. And he honestly cares about me." She tilted her head back as she struggled with her answer. Then she looked into my eyes. No lies. "I think that with time that I could love him. It would be a love that is built on friendship. I wouldn't be dating him if I didn't care about him. But we would never have the depth and passion that you and I have."

Relief flooded through me at her words. She may still leave me and everyone else but she wouldn't do it to be cruel. Or insensitive. Or based on weakness. This was a decision that would be made with strength. It was the kind of strength that most people didn't possess. It was the courage to go after what they wanted instead of remaining in a place that left them miserable. To let her go now wouldn't hurt as bad now. Because in a way she would always be mine as the certainty of her feelings started to melt away at my fears.

All of a sudden she moved closer to me draping her legs on either side of me ending up in my lap. Her arms wrapped around my neck. But there was no passion in her eyes now it was a need for closer contact to someone who cared. I put my arms around her and pulled her close. To have her in my arms again was like coming home.

"Do you know how proud of you I am?" The words spoken directly into my ear caused me to start in surprise. But she wasn't finished. "You are so far ahead of me in all this. You are already walking down a new path and I am still deciding which path to take."

"You'll get it figured out. And if you need help I'll be here for you." Shifting again so that her bottom was resting on the bed again she looked at me so solemnly.

"I know you will. And I promise you that when I make any decisions regarding all this. You will be the first to know. And that includes anything to do with Richard. Okay?"

"Okay. Just don't call me in the middle of the night to tell me you are getting ready to shag him. Don't do it and call me in the morning instead."

She laughed at my attempt at humor leaning forward to hug me.

"I promise."

I didn't know where we would go from there. But it was a new start for both of us. I was still letting go but I was more secure now that she would honor our love. And respect my feelings. It felt strange to trust someone with that much of me. But she was Buffy. And I had to try. For her. For me. For us.

Chapter 36 - The Quest

To Dream…the impossible dream
To fight…the unbeatable foe
To Bear…with unbearable sorrow
To Run...with the brave do not go
To Right...the unrightable wrong
To Love...pure and chase from afar
To try…when your arms are too weary
To reach…the unreachable star

This is my quest, to follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right, without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause
And I know if I'll only be true, to this glorious quest,
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm,
When I'm laid to my rest
And the world be better for this:
That one man, scorned and covered with scars,
Still strove, with his last ounce of courage,
To reach…the unreachable star

I had told Giles when all this began that I wasn't changing just for Buffy. My quest to regain my soul was because I had changed. It was because I wanted to fight on the side of right. To help protect the world from things that go bump in the night. And the hell gods and demons that wanted to destroy this world.

I sat alone in the quiet of my house and realized that my journey had actually begun the night I first saw her. When she was dancing with Willow and Xander. For so long I thought that she had only affected me physically. But over those few days she had impressed me. She had been so different from the other Slayers. The ones I had taken out. Her bravery and defiance served her well. Her family and friends only added to her strength. Making her an almost undefeatable opponent.

From the first meeting she was always there in the back of my mind. She kept calling out to the man in me. She was my star guiding me home. And I had taken that first step into her light when I had made that pact with her. The pact when I offered to help her with Angelus to keep the world from being sucked into a hell dimension. I couldn't help but to keep returning to dance on the edge of her world.

Something or someone was always controlling things. What I had thought was my leash was only my pass card to her life. To be able to be with her almost daily. To be able to become a part of her inner circle. I fought it, oh God, how I fought it. Anyway I could. My mouth. My alliance to Adam. Anything to keep her from seeing my vulnerability when it came to her. And to her friends.

But almost unbidden I kept taking steps closer to her. To that world that I hungered for. But always thought was beyond my reach. I had thought it was forever denied me when Drusilla turned me. But it was always there beckoning me. Never really enjoyed the darkness the way my companions did. Never found the deep thrill that they did in the torture or kill. But I gave it my best shot. Do vampires have a conscience? Not really. But it never set quite right for me. I still craved what life had to offer.

Then last year she had opened the door and let me in. Yeah, it was because she needed me. But she treated me like a man. Not a beast. And I found myself making promises to fight with her. To protect little sis. And I tried. I tried so hard not to let her down. Then to see her broken body lying there almost destroyed me. And I vowed even though she wasn't there that I wouldn't let her down. Still kept fighting along side her friends, kept an eye on Dawn and mourned for her. My heart was broken. Although no one believed I was capable of such deep emotions. An evil soulless vampire was incapable of such lofty things as love.

Then she came back. My angel was returned to me. Broken and torn. She turned to me to share her secrets with. I know she was only doing it to keep from hurting her friends with her pain. But it was also because she knew that she could trust me. That I would keep her secrets.

Then darkness pulled me back when Drusilla needed me. Going back into the darkness had hurt. It was like being covered with itching powder that you can't get off. I did my duty to my sire. Without her I would never have found Buffy. But I couldn't wait to get home. Back to Sunnydale.

The journey that we have taken together since my return had pushed me off the fence. Directly into the light. Where I stood with no shadows to protect me. To protect my heart. It was time. It was that proverbial do or die situation. Make good with the promises or sneak out of town in the middle of the night.

After our talk Buffy started to slip away from us. Not literally. She was still there physically. But it was like a heart thing. A slipping away of the spirit. It was like she had made sure everybody was okay. That we were secure and safe before she left us. Dawn was with Giles. Anya and Xander were working it out. And Tara and Willow were like lovebirds again. And me? She made sure that I knew that it wasn't me. That her love would always be mine. Even if I couldn't hold her.

Every day after she got off work she would call me. To check in. To make sure everything was okay. To talk about things that only I would understand. Slowly, she turned the reins of the leader over to me. I was the only one who wasn't working or going to school. That wasn't responsible for someone else directly. Plus, I still had my ear to the ground. The connection to the demon world. The demons hated me more than ever. But there were a few that still talked to me. Like Clem. He was hanging out at my place all the time now.

Her daily calls included coordinating patrol times. She didn't go that often. But she still wanted status reports. Her time was being spent with Richard and his friends. Living in his world.

I took her advice and got furniture. Giles had some in storage that was leftover from when his flat and the house had been combined. So, I ended up with places for people to sit. Buffy was right. They did come to visit. To hold their meetings. To hang out. The first few times they came over I thought they were crazy. They were acting like we were friends. Which I guess we were becoming.

Xander and I had become comfortable around each other while working on the house and patrolling. Not that everything was perfect between us. It probably never would. But it was better.

Dawn was still coming over most days to hang out and help me to do stuff. Sometimes Janice came along and they would just enjoy being away from parental control. They thought they were the shit hanging out at my place. I didn't know why because I wouldn't let them do much more than their parents would.

Giles had become my mentor. Giving me advice. The one I could talk to. The one I turned to when I became confused or lost focus. He helped me deal with my soul. And my feelings for Buffy.

And me. I was doing good. I had found a place that I belonged. Slowly, I was becoming a part of this family that I had wanted to be included in for so long. Anya had told me to start dating. But I wasn't ready. Until Buffy made her decision I wasn't going to. And if it came down to the fact that she left me for good I knew I wouldn't be devastated. That I would be able to get up the next day and keep going. My heart was hurting but my life was no longer built around just Buffy. And she had given me that too.

I had a purpose. I was one of the good guys. I helped to make the world a better place. I belonged somewhere. I had a home. Family and friends.

The path to this point had started that day at the Bronze. And it wasn't over yet. I didn't know where I would end up. But I wasn't alone anymore. And that made all the difference.

Buffy had been the star that had brought me this far. But she wasn't the destination. That had yet to be revealed. And I hadn't given up hope that she would return to travel beside me. Love is a powerful and funny thing. Real love is blood screaming inside of you to work its will. And I knew that what she felt for me was real love. It was the kind of love that would only grow stronger with time. She just had to realize it was stronger than anything else out there.

Until then I had a life to live.

***The last chapter was written to reveal where Buffy was at. This is Spike's turn. To give a look on where his head and heart are after the talk. With the next chapter the story will start progressing again.

Chapter 37 - Some Days You Gotta Dance

Some days you gotta dance
Live it up when you get the chance
'Cause when the world doesn't make no sense
And you're feeling a little too tense
Gotta loosen up those chains and dance

"Spiiiiiike." Dawn screamed my name and scared the living shit out of me. I turned around to see what she was doing. Just standing by the door. Giles was beside her. I raised my eyebrow at her as she started to laugh at me. Then prissily she walked over to the ladder and turned the music down.

"Did you have it up loud enough?" She smirked at me. "And been practicing the dance moves I see."

"And does that give you the right to come into my house and scare the shit out of me?" I had forgotten that Giles was standing there but he didn't seem upset at me for cussing in front of her. Actually I was more than a little uncomfortable that they had caught me.

It was just one of those days when you feel good and a little music makes it better. The station was tuned to a classic rock station here in town. They played the stuff that I liked. When Dawn turned it down it had been playing a little Bad Company and I had been singing and swaying along to the music while I ripped wallpaper off the living room wall. She had thought it was great that she had caught me in a moment that was embarrassing to me.

"Well, at least we are even now, Spike." Giles said with amusement in his eyes. Now, I couldn't hold it against him anymore about the day I caught him singing in his apartment. Freebird. Who would have thought that Giles was into that type of music?

"I know Dawn wasn't supposed to be over this afternoon but I have to go and meet with a couple of vendors. It's a dinner appointment. Can she stay with you?" He asked after we had acknowledged our moments of invaded privacy.

School had started today and we had decided earlier that her visits weren't going to be as frequent. She had to really apply herself this year after her grades had slipped last year.

"There is going to be a woman there." She announced as if that was why he was going. I looked back at him as he pulled his glasses off and started to clean them. Yep. There was a woman involved.

"Is she hot?" I asked him just to return the embarrassment favor. To move things back in my court. He looked over at me and rolled his eyes.

"No, I would not describe her as hot. Not that she isn't attractive but this is a business dinner. And only a business dinner." He tried to cover himself as he slipped his glasses back on.

"Uh-huh." Dawn and I both said at the same time. Neither of us believed him. But I decided to let him off the hook.

"Yeah, it's fine that she stays."

He told me thanks and to make sure she did her homework. Before she did anything else. I nodded my head. And he left me a few more instructions and I just kept nodding. Finally he laughed when he realized what he was doing. I knew all of the rules when it came to her. After all, she had tried to get me to break every single one of them.

After he left she sat at the table and started to tell me about her day at school.

"The classes are pretty much boring. But I have world history and figured you could help me with that. Right?" She paused to get a response from me. I had turned my attention back to the living room walls. At her question I mumbled something to the effect of sure. "And Spike, oh my God, there is this new boy at school. His name is Joshua and is in two of my classes. We were talking and I told him about the Bronze. So, if he goes this weekend will you take me?"

"A boy. You're too young. No." I didn't even bother to look at her. After the fiasco last Halloween I didn't trust her judgment about boys. And I would have to find a way to kill anyone that touched her.

"I am not too young. Buffy was dating at my age. And she was with Ang…" She stopped when she realized what she said. That argument wouldn't get her anything she wanted.

"And look how that turned out. No." Not going to go there. Just ignore it and keep going.

"Spike, please. Giles already said yes. And we'll invite everyone else so you won't be bored. And you'll be there to watch me."

"Giles said yes without checking with me?" Didn't believe that one for a minute.

"Well, he said if you said yes then he would." She pleaded. Before I even turned around I knew she had that look. Giles wouldn't want her to go without one of us with her. And because he sure didn't want to hang out at the Bronze to watch her.

"Why me? Why not ask one of the girls?'

"Because. Please."

"Don't you have homework?"

"Yes. And the sooner that you agree I can get started and you can continue your wallpaper dance." Laughter laced her voice as she reminded me of my earlier unguarded moment. I had a feeling that I would be reminded of it quite often. "Or I can tell everyone that Spike likes to dance."

"Go ahead." Not going to give into blackmail. Not even for her.

"Pleeeeeeese." She was on her last tactics. The whine. The one thing that really irritated me. She reminded me of Harmony when she did that. And that was not a good trip down memory lane.

"Fine. Everybody else goes. I'll go." She had her agreement but on a condition so there was still hope it wouldn't go through.

"Thank you, Spike." I turned to look over at her as she opened her books and settled down to her homework.

But of course it was me and my luck. Sometimes I really thought that everything was stacked against me because everyone decided to go. Friday night found me waiting for Willow and Tara to pick me up. To go chaperone Dawn. Xander and Anya were picking her up and we were all meeting there. She had called me earlier to tell me thank you again. And to give me rules to follow around this boy. No threatening looks. No warnings. No stalking them all over the place. And no embarrassing her. I never agreed. And I am sure that the others wouldn't either.

It was in the car that Tara told me the one thing that really made my night. Dawn was up to her old tricks. She had invited Buffy and Richard to meet us there. Not only would I have to put up with him, but I looked a loser because I was the only single one there. Dawn was in trouble. Every single one of those rules would be broken now. She had no idea what torment was. But she would tonight.

The three of us were the last ones there except for Buffy and Richard. Dawn was all dolled up looking older than she should. As we all stood there talking and saying hi. She suddenly grabbed my arm digging her nails in.

"He's here. Oh my God. He's here."

"I kind of figured that. Would you like to let go of the arm?" Sarcasm laced my words. This was not setting too well with me. I looked up and Xander wasn't looking any happier than me. Then we turned to look at this boy that had Dawn all in a tizzy. He came walking up to us with Dawn being the only thing he was looking at. I gave him a quick once over just to set the kill factor. He was almost as tall as I was with black curly hair and gray eyes. I guess the girls would call him good looking. Hmmph he still wasn't good enough for her.

Dawn introduced him to all of us. She left me for last.

"Josh, this is my brother, Spike." I looked down her in surprise. "Well, kind of like my brother."

Dawn was still holding out on the Buffy and me thing. That was the only reason for that comment that I could think of. He put his hand out for me to shake. I looked down at it hesitating for a moment then reached out to shake it. Even if I was going to torment Dawn I would try to give him a chance. Josh asked her to dance then reached for her hand to lead her to the dance floor with him.

"I'll kill him if he lays a hand on her." Xander and I said at the same time then looked at each other and laughed. Dawn was not going to have an easy time with dating. Not with the two of us watching out for her.

"So, what's so funny?" Buffy suddenly appeared next to me with Richard right behind her.

"These two protecting Dawn from her new boyfriend." Anya supplied the answer because everyone else was a little tense. It was still the Richard and me thing. We hadn't been in the same place since the last time we were all at the Bronze. And the night that was a fiasco. I just took a step back away from everyone. Let them make the first move.

But Buffy got all excited about seeing what Josh looked like. She took off with the girls to go and check him out. To do that girl talk thing which they couldn't do with us men around. But this unfortunately left Richard, Xander and I standing there in an awkward silence. I had made my peace with things but that didn't mean I wanted to socialize with him. Xander stood between us trying to figure out what to say. Since neither of us were offering any conversation starters.

"Anybody wanna play a game of pool." Xander offered as a way out of this uncomfortable situation. It was one way of us doing something that wouldn't involve much more than idle talk. Richard agreed but I told them I would catch up with them later and headed for the bar.

Richard came to lean against the bar next to me just as they were delivering the beer I had ordered. I gave him a sidelong look as he ordered himself one. After the bartender went off to get it he looked over at me.

"I do love her." He said to me as he started to play with a napkin shredding it by the corner.

"And do you want me to say congratulations or something." I didn't even bother to turn and look at him. Honestly, I could care less how he felt. She was the only one that I was concerned about.

He gave a small forced laugh at my comment.

"No. Wasn't expecting anything from you. Just wanted you to know that I do care about her. I wasn't looking for anything then bam one day she was there. Never met anyone like her before."

His beer was brought over to him and I waited while he paid for it. He started to play with the beer bottle moving it around in circles. Then he took a long swig of it.

"She told me some stuff about the two of you. How much you have always been there for her. And that you agreed to let her go so she could figure things out." He paused for a minute as he blinked his eyes a few times. I finally turned to him.

"And why are you telling me all this? Do you expect us to become chums or something?" I was feeling a little bit exasperated with him. If that's what he wanted then he was in for a surprise because he wasn't getting it.

He still didn't look at me as he kept playing with the bottle. I sighed as I looked out over the crowd. Just as I was starting to step away he started talking again.

"You have this really strong bond with her. A past that I can't compete with. And it's not like she left you because you were a bastard or anything. That I could fight. But when we're together it's like a big piece of her isn't there."

I stepped back to lean against the bar facing him.

"And I know that part of her is with you. No matter what she decides I'll never have that piece of her heart. It's always going to be yours." He finally looked up at me. As my eyes met his I realized that we were both feeling the same when it came to her. Confusion and helplessness. I closed my eyes and threw my head back. Trying to fight the feeling of empathy I was having for him.

Looking back over the crowd again I tried to figure what to do next. If Buffy was with him I knew he had to be alright. And he was a friend of Xander's too. It was only two more weeks until he left for Dallas anyway. Maybe with a bit of effort I could be civil to him.

"Xander said that he was helping you tomorrow to put in your new cabinets. If you'd like I could come over and help. Bring one of my buddies to make it easier." He offered like I would actually accept.

Then I saw her standing by the stairs looking at me. When she realized who was next to me she started to hurry toward us. I turned back to him before she could get there.

"Yeah, that would be great. I'd appreciate the help."
It seemed the best thing to do at the time. Give in to him. And his scheme to be the better man. I don't know maybe he was being sincere. Probably was. But if I didn't go along then it would be my fault. Didn't need to lose anymore ground. Besides I wasn't worried about the competition. There wasn't any as far as I was concerned.

Xander was the first to arrive at my house on Saturday. And as we were setting up a plan for the day Buffy and Richard showed up with his friend, Sam. As Richard and Sam came into the house they started to look around. Noticing the blankets that covered most of the window. Of course, he had to ask about them. Buffy and I looked at each other and I shrugged. Let her deal with it. He was her problem. She quickly stammered out I had some kind of skin condition making me sensitive to sunlight. He looked at me kind of funny but left it at that. But, oh well, didn't really care what he thought of me.

Last to arrive was Josh. The boy was smart and had figured out last night that his biggest obstacle to Dawn was Xander and I. Of course, Giles and Buffy held the final say so on whether or not she could date. But he knew he didn't stand a chance if we didn't like him. When he had heard the plans for the day he had volunteered to help. And we had accepted. It would give us a chance to get to know him some more.

Being how Sam also worked with Xander and Richard, the three of them took over the installation of the cabinets with Josh and me helping. I ended up being glad that they took over because it ended up being a faster process than it would have been otherwise. They knew what they were doing and I probably would have been more of a hindrance as I learned the process.

Buffy stayed in the living room most of the day watching television or reading the magazines she had brought. I knew why she had come. To make sure Richard and I didn't end up in a brawl. Not that there would have been much of one with the chip in my head. At least I thought I knew why she was there because as the day progressed she started to watch me. It was subtle at first then it was more and more. Her eyes bore into me but as soon as I turned around she would look away. Then I started to look at Richard when she did it but he didn't seem to notice. I decided to ignore it as we continued to get the cabinets in.

Around four the rest of the girls showed up. They had brought pizza, wings and some snack foods with them. And beer and soda to drink. They let us know that it was time to stop whether we were done or not. Dawn was carrying some movies they had rented for us to watch. Apparently, the four of them had spent the afternoon shopping and had decided to surprise us. I suspected that it was actually Dawn's plan since she knew Josh was over. Tara confirmed my suspicions later. And told me they had gone along with it because they didn't want to disappoint her. And they had liked the boy.

The last couple of weeks I had started getting use to having the Scoobies over but there were other people there now. People who had no clue what I was or the kind of life that the group actually lived. I tried to stay in the background while I got comfortable with them there. Especially Richard. He assumed the boyfriend role again as we started to relax. After everyone had helped themselves to the pizza and wings I went over to fix myself a plate. As I was reaching for some food when she came to stand beside me her hip brushing against mine. I looked at her but she didn't look back. Then her arm brushed against mine as she took a piece of pizza for herself. Then without saying anything or even looking at me she returned to sit next to Richard.

I settled down into my chair as Dawn put the movie in. She sat on the floor with Josh in front of the television. Xander and Anya were across from me in the big chair. On the couch were Tara, Willow, Buffy and Richard all crammed in beside each other. I guess Richard didn't mind as he put his arm around her. That left poor Sam to lean against the corner of the couch next to Willow. As the movie played every once in a while I would look over and Buffy would be watching me. But while she did it she was snuggled into Richard's side. It just didn't set right with me. She couldn't have everything her way. I forced myself to become absorbed into the movie and ignore what she was doing. If she wanted to stare then she could.

As the movie finished up she stood to go and get another soda. As she passed me she laid her hand on my shoulder. Just a light touch but it startled me. I looked over at Richard but he was too busy talking to Sam and Xander to notice. She had spent the last couple of months avoiding me and not being alone with me. Now, she was looking at me and touching me. Teasing me. I wondered if this was a game or if she thought I wouldn't care. Or if she was deliberately trying to start something.

Before they put the second movie in to play I went to my room to get some blood. Buffy was still up getting a drink. But Richard was behind me so I didn't approach her. After it was heated up I crouched down to drink it. Leaning against the wall for support. I looked up in surprise when she came into the room. But as she came in she left the door ajar. I assumed it was so no one would get suspicious of us being alone in here.

"What do you want, Buffy?"

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I mean with everybody here. And Richard." She was looking everywhere but at me.

"Why aren't you being honest? Don't you think if I wasn't comfortable that I would have done something about it?" I stood and walked closer to her. She took a step back but I didn't advance again. Stood there and watched her expression as I took another drink.

"I don't know. I'm sorry I was just checking on you." She turned to leave but I grabbed her arm as I set my mug on the top of the fridge.

"What are you doing?" Buffy turned to look at me. Her eyes met mine unguarded. I could see the desire that was burning in their depths.

"Nothing. I'm sorry. I was just checking on you."

"Not that. I'm talking about this." Without breaking contact with her eyes I ran my finger along the side of her neck. Her eyes closed as a shudder ran through her.

"Don't." Her voice hoarse as her heart beat increased speed.

"Then why did you start? With the looks and the touches?"

Buffy leaned toward me a little closer then pulled away again. Her eyes were back on my chest again.

"I wasn't starting anything."

"Buffy, damn it."

Then she shushed me as we heard a noise in the hallway. I walked over to check it out and when I didn't see anyone there I closed the door. Her eyes widened as I walked back over to her. Let them think whatever they wanted.

"Just tell me one thing then you can run back to your boyfriend. Are you just horny?"

Her mouth opened then closed.

"You pig."

She tried to walk around me but I stood in her way.

"I've heard that before. So, are you horny? Would either of us do? Or is it me? Or is it him? Don't mean to offend you but I'm just trying to figure out what kind of game you're playing?"

"I'm not playing a game." Buffy defended herself.

She kept trying to dance around me but I wouldn't let her by. She finally stopped moving and I thought I was going to get my answer when Tara opened the door.

"Ummm, guys. Your absence is becoming noticeable."

We both turned to look at her and this time when Buffy moved past me I let her go. At the door she stopped and looked at me over her shoulder.

"It's you." Then she slipped out the door. I reached for my blood and drank it down in two swallows while I thought about what she had said. I didn't know if her comment was good or bad. It didn't really leave me room to move.

For the rest of the night she avoided me. Avoided looking at me. Avoided touching me. Tara kept looking from me to her. Trying to figure out what was going on between us. When I caught her eyes once she smiled at me in amusement. I had an insane urge to stick my tongue out at her. But restrained myself. At the end of the second movie everybody broke up and started to leave.

On the way out the door Tara hugged me and wished me good luck in my ear. I squeezed her a little harder and told her to keep wishing. Dawn and Josh had to be shepherded out of the empty dining room. She wasn't happy that they weren't given any time alone. But she didn't need to rush anything. I made a mental note to talk to Buffy about her.

Richard and Buffy were the last ones out the door. I thanked Richard for his help and then he went on out to say good-night to Xander.

Buffy stood next to me as I leaned on the door.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…" She was whispering so that no one would hear her.

"It's okay. I realize I am irresistible." I leaned down to whisper it in her ear.

She laughed when she realized I wasn't mad at her about it. It would leave me alone with my hand later but I was getting used to it. After all this time of being away from her it was the only thing I was getting.

"Yeah, you are." A slow blush crossed her face as she realized she had said it out loud. "Oh, God. Look, Richard and I are going to a game tomorrow. Can you handle patrol tomorrow night?"

"Do you have any doubts on what I can handle?"

Her blush became a darker red then she turned to walk out onto the porch. She paused and turned to look at me again.

"I'll see you Monday to patrol? Okay?"

"Whatever you want to do Monday is fine by me."

It was my turn to laugh as I shut the door on her. I was still alone but felt better knowing that it was getting to her too. And she had promised me that she wouldn't do anything with Richard so that meant she was left to feel as frustrated as me. Actually, Richard was probably feeling as frustrated as we were which was fine by me. I kept laughing all the way back to my room as I thought about. But I sobered up when I got there. I could smell her perfume and arousal still hanging in the air. I groaned in frustration because it was back to me, my hand and a few good memories of Buffy.

Chapter 38 - Feel Like Makin' Love

Baby, when I think about you, I think about love
Darling, I don't live without you and your love
If I had those golden dreams of my yesterday
I would wrap you in the heaven, but they lay dying on the way
Baby, If I think about you, I think about love
Darling, if I live without you, I live without love
And if I had the sun and moon, and they were shining
I would give you both night and day, love satisfying
Feel like makin'…
Feel like makin' love, feel like makin' love to you
Bad Company

Before I went patrolling with Buffy and Xander on Monday night I had run out to take care of a couple of things. Needed to pick up some blood and smokes. On the way back to my place I stopped into Willie's for a quick drink. I told myself that I needed a little fortitude before spending time with her again. The exchange between us on Saturday night had kept repeating itself in my mind. Then my imagination would take over and she never left my room that night. Yeah, I was going to respect her wishes but it was driving me crazy knowing that she was as hungry as I was.

I sat at a corner of the bar and sipped at a double whiskey. There were some new faces in the mix tonight. New vamps that I hadn't seen around before. There were four of them gathered around a table in the corner with their heads leaned close. A sure sign that something was up with them. I asked Willie if he knew anything but he just shook his head at me. I moved behind them to head for the pay phone. They kept talking as I pretended to make a call. All I heard was something about the 'goods' and that it was in an abandoned warehouse off of Essex Road. Then they shut up when they realized I was listening.

After that I left in a hurry because I didn't want to confront them myself. Besides a little investigation was in order. It would give us something to do tonight on patrol other then walk around in circles hoping to run across some baddies. Buffy and Xander were waiting for me when I finally got home. They had made themselves at home sprawled in my furniture watching television.

"About time. I thought we agreed to meet at nine." She said it with sarcasm but her eyes revealed that she was joking. I reached out and tugged her ponytail as I passed by. Letting the strands run through my fingers as I continued to my room. I put the blood away and after taking a pack of cigarettes out I put the rest of them on the dresser.

"I got a lead on some new vamps." I told them when I came back into the living room plopping down onto the couch next to her. My knee rested against hers. I felt her look at me but I kept my eyes on Xander. "There were four of them over at Willies. Talking about a warehouse over on Essex. Thought we might check it out."

Xander and Buffy agreed with my plan so we stocked up on weapons and headed out. We decided to walk to give us more room for quick maneuvering. She walked on the other side of Xander from me. I let her have her space for now.

When we got to the warehouse we circled it. The main door was in the front and most of the windows had boards over them. In the back there was a window with no covering but it was high off the ground.

"Step up, Buffy." She looked down at my cupped hands and back at me. I sighed in exasperation. "Come on, step up and check out the place."

Buffy backed up and put her foot into my hands and balanced herself on the wall as I lifted her up.

"Stop." She called down to me. Her hands rested on the windowsill as she tried to peer into the building. When she told me to stop her ass was right in front of my face. I closed my eyes and groaned to myself. The woman was going to torture me to death one way or another.

"What do you see, Buff?" Xander asked her when she was silent for a few moments. He was looking up at her. I couldn't resist it as I leaned forward bringing my nose right at the place where her cheeks started to curve. Right where her sweet womanhood ended. Inhaled the fragrance that was all Buffy.

"Ahhh." She jumped as my face made contact with her. Then lost her balance falling backwards. As she came down I wrapped my arms around her and took her weight as we hit the pavement. She scrambled off of me as I laughed up at her.

"Sorry, I got dizzy for a moment." I reached my hand up to her for help that I didn't need. She surprised me when she grabbed it and pulled me to my feet. The look in her eyes let me know that she didn't believe me for a second about getting dizzy. But was actually amused by my actions.

"You guys, okay?" It was Xander looking at us worriedly. I think we had both forgotten he was there for a minute.

"Yeah, I think we're fine. Didn't see anything. Doesn't look like anyone is in there." She said to him in an effort to cover up my actions.

"Well, then let's go in and have a look around. Shall we?" I suggested getting things back on track. As much fun as I was having playing with Buffy I was serious about getting things checked out. We moved around the building. They kept an eye out as I picked the lock.

"Haven't lost my touch." I told them as the door swung open. We treaded carefully into the darkness of the building. Xander was holding the flashlight so I let him lead the way. Buffy and I had senses that he didn't have so we could keep a feel out for things that couldn't be seen.

The main room of the place was empty except for rats and trash left by crashers. We moved to start checking out the offices. As we turned to go down this one hallway with Buffy in the lead she sent us off into different offices to check things out. Her reasoning was that it would be faster if we did it that way. Neither of us were picking up on anything, demon or human, being there. So, we split. Xander moved through the front offices while we headed for the back ones.

I stopped to check out one office as she moved down the hallway to check out another. There wasn't anything in this place but junk. It was beginning to look like it was a bust. That the vamps were talking out of their ass about the 'goods' when I heard her yelp. Then there was the sound of something crashing. I took off at a run to find her. Xander was already heading down the hallway and I fell in behind him.

"Guys, a little help would be appreciated." It was Buffy calling out to us. Apparently, she was holding her own but needed help soon.

As we turned to go into the office one of the vampires came flying out. That was my girl. Xander turned into the office leaving me to stake the one she had served up. After his dust was blowing down the hall I joined the two of them. I paused as I entered the room. It was full of appliances, televisions and other stuff still in their boxes. All new stuff stolen from stores or right off the trucks. Score one for my side I told myself as I headed into the fray. Xander was struggling with one of them while the other two were fighting with Buffy. Deciding to help her first I moved toward them. But she had turned and the vamp pushed her my way. I put my hands up to catch her and got tits. She landed right in my hands. But there was no time to enjoy the spoils of the fight.

"Oooomph." She put her hands on my chest and kicked her leg out to catch one of the vamps in the chest. He went flying across the room with her following him. She had a stake in her hand to dust him before he had time to recover from her kick.

That left the other one for me. We struggled for a few moments before Buffy came up behind him and staked him from behind. We looked over at Xander but he was standing there in the dust that was the vampire he had been fighting.

"Yeah, for our team. Four vampires dusted and half the stolen loot in Sunnydale found." Xander congratulated us on our victory. We left everything there and called the police from the corner. I joked with Xander that maybe we should work with the police since this was the second time that we had done their job.

It was a bit of a letdown from the rush we just had but we decided to patrol through a couple of the cemeteries. This time Buffy walked between us. As we walked along she would brush against me every so often. The air surrounding her carried a cloud of her arousal. I knew it was a combination of the fight and me. I looked over at Xander but he was clueless. Shaking my head I felt sorry for human men missing out on the sweetest aroma in the world. They just couldn't smell it the way we could. Their women calling out to be claimed and they practically had to be on top of them for them to notice.

The longer we walked the harder I got. The call from her got stronger. All I wanted to do was send Xander home and pull her down into the grass and make her mine again. To feel her skin against mine. To feel her heat surround me. To feel her breath against me. To hear her cry my name out to the night.

As we headed back to my house she suddenly tripped landing on her knees. I hurried to her and reached a hand out to her. She reached for me and looked up freezing when she saw my erection straining against my jeans. As she stood her eyes moved up my body stopping when she looked into my eyes. Her tongue darted between her lips and then retreated into her mouth as she tried to swallow away the dry mouth.

I hoped that she would tell Xander to go ahead without her that she was staying with me. But she left with him in the car. I wasn't going to ask. It had to be her decision on whether or not to be with me.

If I went to her house I knew that I could seduce her. That it would take only a few touches before we were naked and straining toward each other. But tomorrow it would only be another reason for her to push me away.

As they turned the corner a third alternative came to me. Yeah, it would be a poor substitute but it would be better than me alone with my fantasies and my hand. Quickly moving back into my bedroom I threw my cell phone down onto the bed and pulled my clothes off. I reached into my dresser and grabbed the baby oil. Stretching out onto the bed I watched the clock and waited. Eight minutes for Xander to drive her home, four minutes for them to chat and say goodnight, five minutes to get into the apartment and fix a drink. She was moving down the hallway as I coated myself with the oil.

In my head I ran through her motions so that I would know when the time was right. She was sitting on the edge of the bed pulling off her shoes and socks. Her hands ran up the inside of her thighs as she kicked her shoes away. Then she stands walking over to the closet. Reaches down and pulls her shirt over her head. Her hands caress her stomach moving toward her breasts. She cups them then moves to unfasten her bra. Freeing them from their restraint. They are cupped again as she runs her thumbs over nipples. Tweaking them. Her hands move down to unfasten her pants. Spreading out to move them over her hips and down her legs. Bending over her ass in the air. She steps from them leaving them on the floor. A quick drink to keep her throat from being dry then she turns to lie down on the bed. Shifting so she is in the middle. One hand goes back to a breast. Massaging it. While her free hand moves down her belly to her quim. Her legs fall apart as she separates herself sliding in to find the center of her pleasure.

Time to call. Press the button to dial her number. It rings then voice mail. Dial it again. Voice mail. Dial it again. Voice mail again. Damn it. Come on Buffy. It's an emergency as my free hand wraps around my cock. Fourth try.

"Spike, what is it?" Her voice is breathless and exasperated at my intrusion.

"I know what you are doing." I whispered to her. My tone reflected the depth of my need to be with her. "Because I am doing it too."

"Mmmmh, Spike, I was in the shower." She lies to me as her breathing gains speed.

"Yeah, you are all wet, aren't you?"

"I'm hanging up now."

"Hang up and I'll come over."

"Don't do that. Unnnnnnh." She groans in my ear. The girl wasn't stopping for anything.

"Just admit that you want my hot, tight, body." I chuckled as I imagined her lying there with her hand buried between her legs. My rhythm begins to pick up speed.

"Your body isn't hot."

I was about ready to retort something equally rude back to her when she surprised me. She just let it go. It was past the time to stop for either of us.

"It's cool. When I'm burning up. Feeling like I am about to catch fire. Mmmmh, you come to cover me and you feel so cold. It sends chills through my body. My toes curl and it's like an orgasm all in its self." Her breathing was getting heavier and I wished I were there to watch the changes in her. Her face flushed and the green of her eyes darkening as her need increased.

She was too far away from me as I arched into my hand. I started to pant in time with her. Needing to share this moment with her. Slow it down. Ease up or I wouldn't be there at the end.

"Tell me what you were fantasizing about, Baby." I beg her to keep me going. To keep feeding me her fire as we moved together.

"Oooooh, God." She paused as she caught her breath. "We were in the cemetery. I was lying on the bench next to the big oak tree." Her breath caught and she moaned low in my ear. "You pull my pants off while kneeling in front of me. I put my feet on your shoulders and you use your tongue on me. Please, Spike, give it to me. Take me over. "

There is a cry to her voice as asks me. Begs me to satisfy her.

"Buffy, prop the phone up to your ear." I gave her a minute to do it. Listened to the phone being shifted and her head moving against it until it is secure. "Reach over and grab an ice cube out of your drink."

"Mmmmmmh." She shifts on the bed and I hear the ice rattling against glass. "Now, what? Tell me what you want me to do."

"Hold it in your hand and rest it on your stomach. Right above your curls." I smiled as she hissed from the cold. "Move it slowly. So, slowly up your stomach."

"Spiiiiiike." Her call to me is primal in its need. I have stopped my motions with my cock. I was so ready to cum just from listening to her that I didn't need any physical contact to keep the momentum up.

"Is it up near your breasts?"

"Yeah."

"Take it over your nipple. Circle it just like it was my tongue. The way it makes you scream.'

Then she did give a small scream as she followed my instructions.

"Take your fingers and put them in you. Thrust them as you circle your clit with your thumb." I was starting to take her home.

"They don't reach like your fingers do. You feel so much better." She got out to me between gasps and moans. I smiled knowing just how good I could make her feel.

"Ok, baby, take your fingers out."

"Mmm, huh?'

"Lick them for me. Please."

I almost shot my load as I heard her licking and sucking on her fingers. This woman had gone from nervous learner to taking everything I suggested. If only she wouldn't throw us away.

"Home stretch, pet. You still got the ice? If not get more."

I heard the ice against the glass again. The other cube must have melted across her hot flesh leaving trails of sizzling water against her. I reached down and encircled myself again.

"What do I do with it?'" Her voice trembled in my ear.

"Take it down between your legs. Keep the one hand on your clit, baby. Keep stroking."

"Unnnnnh-huh?"

"The hand with the cube take it all the way down to the bottom of your lips." Stopped for a second to give her a chance to get positioned. "Separate them with it. Move it right over your entrance. Don't put it in though."

"Uncomfortable."

"Scoot down and use your feet against the footboard for leverage to curl yourself up." She was the slayer. Her body could move anyway she wanted it to. I heard a grunt as she started to stroke herself again. "Circle your finger around your clit as you move the ice cube over your entrance."

"Ooooooooooh, mmmmmmmmmmmh."

"You ready?" I knew she was from the noises she was making.

"Spiiiiike, please."

"Without removing your one hand, move the ice up your slit. Slow and easy, baby. Now, with both hands move it over your clit. Circle it."

"Aaaaaaaaaaaah." She nearly split my eardrum with the scream she gave as the ice met her core sending her into her orgasm. I turned my attention back to myself stroking myself to join her. Cum squirted all over my hand and stomach as I found release.

We lay there for a moment as I listened to her breathing slow down. Then I heard her hand take the phone again and her swallow as she took a drink.

"Spike?' She whispered to me with what I hoped was awe in her voice.

"Do you know what I wish?" I didn't want to hear recriminations or regret in her words. So, I ignored her questioning of my name.

"What?" She allowed herself to be moved away from her first thoughts.

"I wish I was there to lap you dry."

Then I hung up the phone and moved to the bathroom to take a shower. I felt better than I had in a very long time.

Chapter 39 - Somewhere Over The Rainbow

Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true
One day I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why oh why can't I
E Y Harburg

It was typical Buffy. What else should I have expected? That she would come running to me afterwards and declare that she would never leave me. It had the opposite effect. No word from her in two days. She had spoken to Xander and told him that she would handle patrolling alone. My phone calls had gone unanswered. Well, my phone call. The more I pushed the more she would run. So, I left her alone.

It was Wednesday when she finally came to see me. I was finishing hanging the wallpaper in the kitchen and had opened the windows to cool it off some. A breeze brought her scent to me. It was faint but indistinguishable. When she didn't show up for a few minutes I followed it. She was out there somewhere trying to figure out how to approach me. So, I helped her out by going to her.

I found her sitting on the bench where her fantasy had taken place. She was leaning back on her hands with her hair flowing out behind her. It was luminous in the moonlight and the breeze was gently making it dance. Her face upturned to the night. Her breathing was soft and even almost as if she were meditating. I hesitated behind her afraid to break the serenity of the mood. Maybe she wasn't ready to face me and I would only be starting trouble if I approached. I wondered if I should turn and go back home.

"Spike."

She whispered my name not even opening her eyes or turning to me. I took a few more steps toward her moving around the bench to stand in front of her. She brought her head down and opened her eyes. To look directly into mine holding their gaze. I tried to read what she was thinking but they were hooded. Not giving the secrets away.

Growing more nervous under her stare I looked away as I fumbled through my pockets for my cigarettes. But I had left them at home. I didn't understand why she wasn't saying anything. Unable to take it anymore I turned back to look into her eyes again. A smile graced her face when I met her gaze. She stood and took a few steps.

"Let's walk."

She waited for my assent before she started to move again. I fell into step beside her. I wish she would say something. Anything to indicate how she felt about the other night. Was she just going to ignore that it ever happened? She didn't seem to be angry or hurt or vengeful. There was an air of contemplative peace about her. Her stride was easy like it was just a stroll she was seeking.

"Buffy?"

I couldn't hold out anymore. My need to have something definitive to hold onto was stronger than anything else at the moment was. Even her anger would be welcome. Rather than this feeling of free falling.

"Yes?"

"What's going on?"

"We're walking through a cemetery at night." She turned to me and smirked. It was deliberate this leaving me hanging. A way to torture me and punish me for the other night.

"Smart ass."

Then she laughed softly. It was a melodious sound that echoed around us. My hands came to rest on my hips as I stared at her. Trying to decide what I should be feeling. So many things were going through me at the moment. One of which was choking her to death and dumping her body on Richard's doorstep. Another was to drag her back to the house and lock her in the attic until she agreed to be mine. Or the most logical was just to walk away and leave her there. Turn the torture back on her.

I turned to go when she reached out for my arm.

"I'm sorry, Spike. Don't go."

Then she giggled again and that did it. I reached for her and started to tickle her. She struggled against me not really fighting to get away. Then my hands turned to move over her slowly reacquainting myself with the curves of her body. She cuddled into me her arms wrapped around my waist. Her nose buried in the crook of my neck inhaling my scent. One of us groaned as I reached down to cup her bottom and pulled her to me.

Her hands came to my shoulders and pushed me away. I knew it had to be too good to last. The world fell away as I wanted to die from the wanting and needing of her. All the pain that had become a dull ache from time came slamming back through me. Then her hands moved from my shoulders to cup my face as a tear found its way down my face. I wanted to pull away from her but my heart just wanted to take whatever I could get. There had been a part of me that had hoped that the weekend and Monday would convince her to be with me. It had been a foolish dream that I was now paying for.

"Don't cry, baby. Please don't cry now."

Her words pleading with me not to hurt from her anymore.

"I can't do that."

I stepped back from her and wiped at my face with the heel of my hands. Would the tears ever stop falling? Would the pain ever go away? She sighed as she watched me.

"Damn it. I'm sorry that this hurts. And that it doesn't suit your purposes."

I turned to start walking home.

"Spike, I need to talk to you. Please?"

"What do you want to say? That it was a mistake and I was a bastard for taking advantage of you? That…."

I hadn't turned around because the tears were falling again. But before I could finish her arms were around me. Her face pressed to my back.

"No. Not a mistake. You never have been nor will you ever be a mistake. Do you understand me?" Her words were fierce in their intensity as they tried to break through my wall of defense. I froze as something inside wanted to believe her. A curl of hope rose from my desperation.

"Buffy, don't say something that you don't mean."

She loosened her hold and turned me to face her.

"We need to talk. Can you listen to me with an open mind?"

All I wanted was to bury myself somewhere and try to forget everything. I wanted to believe in us so badly but it just wasn't turning out the way I wanted it too. At this point I was so sure she was going to leave with him that I just wanted it over with. But I had to hear her out. Hopefully, she wouldn't take long to finish breaking my heart. So I told her yes that I would listen to her.

She reached out for my hand and started to walk again.

"What happened scared me. The whole thing from Friday to Monday showed me how vulnerable I am to you. Not necessarily in a bad way but how easily you move me. I thought about things, then I talked to Richard, then to Sara, and then talked to Richard again."

"You told him what happened?" I stopped and pulled her to face me. I couldn't believe she would do that.

"No. No. There is no way I would tell him that. "

She shook her head and then took a step closer to me.

"I don't know how to say this. I really don't. Not without hurting you now or possibly later. Of protecting you or giving you false hope." There was so much confusion clouding her face. Whatever she wanted to tell me had her torn up. And it wasn't going to be said casually or without a lot of thought.

"Just say it. Whatever you decided just say it and let me deal. Instead of this dance you're doing."

She moved away from me to sit on a tombstone folding her hands in her lap.

"Richard came over last night. And we talked for awhile. His last day working with Xander is Friday. Then Saturday he is flying to Dallas for a week. Did I ever tell you his family is there? That's why he's going."

She looked up at me and I shrugged my shoulders. I didn't give a shit.

"He likes you."

Great! Make me feel guilty for hating him. She smiled quickly then turned her gaze back to the grass at my feet.

"I know that if…if he was staying here that I couldn't continue to date him."

I was right. She was going to leave with him.

"So, you're going to fucking go off to Dallas to be with him. I give up, Buffy. Go. Do whatever. I don't care anymore."

My temper didn't even let her finish. Every moment of not being good enough had risen to the occasion. Every moment of being told by someone how I was beneath them wrapped itself around my heart. I turned around and started running off. Blindly without choosing directions. Letting my emotions carry me. I heard her behind me and I tried to pick up speed. Then she jumped landing on my back. Then I was face down on the ground with her straddling my back.

"I knew this was going to happen. No matter how I put it. You've come so far when are you going to start believing in yourself, Spike?" She leaned forward her hands running up my back. Her face was leaning over my shoulder and I could feel her body against me. I tried to push up with my hands to throw her off when she wrapped her arms around me.

"No. You are going to hear me out."

"Can I at least turn over?"

"No. This is tempting enough."

Then she sat back up resting on my back. I sighed and gave up. My head rested on my arms crossed beneath it.

"Richard asked me to go with him next week. He knows he doesn't have my heart here and he just wants to see how I feel away from Sunnydale. I haven't promised him anything. I agreed to go as his friend but with an open mind. He wants me to meet his family and see Dallas."

I hadn't heard anything beyond 'his friend'. She had relaxed some and with my hands I pushed off. As I turned I grabbed her arm to keep from dumping her on the ground. That was better as she settled against my lower stomach. Her hands splayed across my chest.

"And I am not promising you anything either. I don't know. Maybe he is right. I'll get there and everything will become clear. That I belong with him or that maybe I'll just want to be in Dallas."

"Or are you hoping that will happen? Are you just looking for excuses at this point?"

She was giving me hope then taking it away again. I pushed her off and stood up. She scrambled off the ground and brushed dirt and grass off her pants. Then she straightened up looking at me with anger and love in her eyes.

"You know this isn't just some contest between you two. And you agreed to give me the room I needed to figure this out. "

"And I already told you that I don't care anymore."

"Fine. You don't. Good-bye Spike."

Then she turned and walked off. I wanted so badly to yell out for her. To chase her and beg her to take me back. That I would agree to anything. Just let me be a part of her life. One of these day I would learn to keep my pride from talking. To keep it locked away in a corner of me and tape its mouth shut. Just as she was giving me some inkling of hope I had told her to go away. Brilliant move.

It seemed like I stood there forever watching the direction that she had gone in. Hoping that she would come back. But she didn't. I had done it this time. It was time to go home and face the consequences of my actions. Pride and Anger = 1. Love and Trust = 0.

The tears were falling down my face as I approached the house. My vision was blurry through the wetness and I thought I saw her sitting on the steps. Quickly I wiped the tears away and blinked. She was still there. When she heard me approach she looked up to watch me. A smile welcomed me home. I stopped in front of her and waited as she stood.

She reached out to me. Her hand curling behind my head. Her fingers threaded through my hair pulled me to her. Our lips met softly at first. Her tongue came hesitantly to me running across my lips seeking entrance. I opened my mouth and let her in meeting her with the same fervor as her own pursuit. They slid across each other. Circling and dueling. I don't know how long we stood there kissing. We broke apart a few times for her to take in oxygen then met again in need. Finally she pulled away from me and then wrapped her arms around me. I ran my hands across her back as we stood there.

"Let me see this through. A lot can happen in a week. Maybe you really won't care anymore by the time I get back. Maybe there I will fall in love with him. I don't know. But I need to do this."

She squeezed me hard in her arms then let me go. My fingers traced her jaw line then across her lips.

"Go. Go and see that there isn't a big neon sign telling you that's where you belong. But just know this. Don't come back to me if there is any doubt left. I won't let you leave again."

She nodded and kissed me quickly before walking away. Halfway across the yard she turned around and started to walk backwards.

"Spike, didn't anyone ever tell you that it is rude to hang up on people?" A big grin crossed her face as waited for my answer.

"And you want to give me a lecture on manners?"

"Oh, excuse me. The Big Bad doesn't have to be polite."

She stopped moving for a minute. Her hands propped on her hips.

"That's right."

Then she laughed at whatever joke she thought she had on me.

"Well, Mr. Big Bad, if you hadn't hung up on me I was going to tell you and Little Bad to come over to finish what you started. But, oh well."

She shrugged her shoulders throwing her hands up in the air. Laughing again she turned and walked away into the night.

"Buffy." I whined as she walked away. Yeah, I whined. One of these days I would learn. At least I hoped so as I banged my head against the doorframe.

Chapter 40 - Hero

I am so high, I can hear heaven
Whoa, but heaven…no, heaven don't hear me
And they say
That a hero could save us
I'm not gonna stand here and wait
I'll hold onto the wings of the eagles
Watch as we all fly away
Someone told me
Love would all save us
But, how can that be
Look what love gave us
A world full of killing
And blood spilling
That world never came
Now that the world isn't ending
It's love that I'm sending to you
It's in the love of a hero
And that's why I fear it won't do
Chad Kroeger

She had left with him as planned on Saturday morning. Dawn had called me crying when the plane took off. Until the last moment she didn't think that Buffy would actually leave. I had told her to be patient that eventually she would return to us. But it's hard to convince someone else of that when I had a hard time believing it myself.

A part of me still thought that this would all work out. That this trip was just a way to tie up loose ends and finish her relationship with him. A week wasn't forever and she would come back to me. To all of us. And when she did we would start a life together.

Then there was the part of me that kept saying it was over. This part I hated. It was all my insecurities and fears wrapped up in a very vocal part. It kept telling me that I was a fool to even hope that someone like her could love me.

I hated her. I loved her. She was turning me inside out. And upside down. I just wanted to know. One way or another if she wanted to be with me. It wasn't her love I doubted but whether or not I was good enough to build a life with. To share her hopes and dreams. To be a part of her days and nights for the rest of her life.

And that scared me too. Her life. To give everything I had to a human. She was a human that would only exist for a fraction of the time that I would. And eventually I would have to watch her wither away and die. Leaving me to live eternity without her.

Okay, too many thoughts as I sat alone in my house. Smoking one cigarette after another as I tried to visualize what she was doing. The day slowly ebbed away and I still didn't move. As the darkness settled around me like a blanket. I wondered detachedly if I would still be sitting there when she got back. Had everything ceased to exist while she was gone? And had I also ceased to be?

I really don't know how long I would have sat there if they hadn't come to find me. Of course they didn't knock. They just walked in like they were welcome. I watched their shadows move into the room as I wondered why they mattered to me. And if I could if I would still leave them bloodless and dead. Or if I would cradle them to me and protect them.

Xander reached for the light switch causing my eyes to blink as the room flooded with light. Anya stood beside him. Behind them were Willow and Tara hand in hand. I just stared at them as I took a deep drag from my cigarette and then reached over to crush it out. I exhaled the smoke that still remained in my lungs and waited. It was their show. Let them talk first.

"Well, just as we thought. He has gone into deep depressed mood." Willow commented as she looked at me.

"Not depressed." I mumbled to her lying about the black cloud that surrounded me. Looked away from them to stare at the floor between my feet.

I heard them laugh as if I had told a joke. The tears burned behind my eyelids and I blinked them away. Time enough for that when she took the last of my hopes away.

"Come on, you worthless, lazy vampire. It's time to get out of here." Xander came over and put a hand on my shoulder.

"And do you know how much I want you dead." I looked up at him with his big goofy grin on his face. Yeah, smash it into a bloody pulp.

"And do you know how much I want to stake you. Let's see, chip man, who would win? Get up and let's go." He didn't believe me. And I didn't either. Time had caused a familiarity between us. The old insults were still tossed about but now they were laced with an almost brotherly affection.

"And where might we be going?" I asked him.

"We rented movies and are going back to my place. Someplace that has air conditioning to watch them." He explained to me. The heat of the day had relentlessly stayed into the night. The inside of my house had a heavy humid feel to it.

"Sounds like a right fine time for a vampire. Hanging out with food and watching movies." I didn't really want to go. Just wanted to stay here and drown in my misery.

"But we need you to be the VCR man." Anya piped up and when I gave her a funny look she explained why. "Because you're the single one. You work the VCR so we don't have to move."

Tara and Willow giggled but stopped as soon as I flashed them a dirty look. But then I smiled at them. The two of them lately had been lost in each other. And it was good to see. They waited for me to make up my mind. Eventually I gave in and went with them. What else was there to do?

We decided to stop at the corner store to pick up beer and stuff. The beer was the only thing I was really concerned about. But they all wanted different snacks and drinks so once we were in the store we separated. Willow and Tara went off to look for ice cream, Anya to get chips and Xander and I went for the liquid refreshment.

I was carrying the beer and Xander the soda when I looked up and saw the man that would change our lives forever. None of us would ever look at life again the same way. They all grew up in one moment and I took another step to being one of them.

This man stood just inside the door nervously looking about.

"Everybody freeze. No one moves unless I tell you to." He shouted out to the clerk and patrons as he lifted a gun into the air. I immediately looked to see where the girls were. Tara and Willow were coming around the corner their heads together as they whispered to each other. As they rounded the end of the aisle the man turned toward them. His gun pointed right at Tara. As she looked up her eyes grew wide in fright as she realized what was happening. His finger began to depress the trigger and I realized that it was too late.

"Noooooooooooooooooooo."

To this day I can't tell you who screamed it. I dropped the beer and jumped toward Tara. To my left I saw Xander move. My arm snagged her around the waist and pulled her to the floor. The shot reverberated around us. I fell on the floor partially on top of Willow and Tara was on top of me.

"It's okay. Everything is okay. I moved her out of the way. Everybody is just fine.."

I lay there for a second in shock. Feeling their bodies around mine. Then the blood flowed over me. Sticky and warm. Its sweet scent filled the air around me.

"No. No. She's not hurt. You are imagining it."

I laid her on the floor as I shifted out from under her.

"Tara. Tara, Baby, wake up." Willow was sobbing hysterically as she bent over Tara. I stared down at her in disbelief. At the blood that was flowing from the wound on her shoulder.

"Blood. It's everywhere. Feed. No. Not feed. She can't live without it. It has to stay in her. Have to stop it from leaving her. Come on. Fifty years of watching medical shows. What do I do?"

I looked around me and saw paper towels on the shelf. In one motion I grabbed it and ripped them from their package then the roll in half. I picked her up and laid her on her side. Her head cradled on Willow's lap. The bullet had gone straight through her shoulder. The blood was flowing from both sides of her. I put half of the towels on one side and half on the other.

"Put pressure on it. There has to be pressure for it to stop."

Willow kept running her fingers through her hair as she rocked back and forth. An endless litany of 'I love you' and 'Don't leave me' was spoken through her tears.

"Good. It will stop now. She'll be okay now. She'll be okay. She'll be okay. Don't go away. Let her die. Fresh blood. Has been so long. No. Tara is my friend. Don't vamp out. Don't vamp out. Whatever you do don't do the vampire thing.""

The sound of scuffling finally reached me. From the front of the store came the sound of cursing and flesh hitting flesh. A moment of silence then another shot rang out.

"No. No. Xander. Be okay. Xander. Was supposed to take care of them. Fucking failure."

The gunman appeared in front of me as he ran from the store. Then in the parking lot he fell clutching his chest. I looked at Willow. Her eyes were black as she stared at him.

"Xander. No, Xander, don't die. I need you." Anya screamed out.

"Willow." I shouted at her. She turned to me still lost in her pain somewhere. "Hold this. You have to hold this so I can check on Xander."

She stared blankly at me for a moment then shook her head. Her trembling hands reached to cover mine. I slipped mine out and pressed on hers so she would apply the pressure on Tara's wound.

"My hands. My hands are covered with blood. Tara's blood. Oh my god. Tara's life is covering me."

I stood and headed for the sound of Anya's cries. I turned to go down the aisle and slipped. My feet sliding in Xander's blood that lay in a pool on the floor. As I landed on my hip I winced from the pain as it jarred through me. Turning onto my stomach I crawled to Xander. He was laying there with his eyes closed. I reached a shaking hand out to lay it on his chest. To feel for his heart to make sure that it was still beating.

"Thank God. He is still alive. Not dead yet. They're not dead yet. Have to help him. Think. God damn it. Think."

"Anya, he's still alive." I told her calmer than I felt. The bullet had ripped through his upper leg leaving it a mess.

"It's hurts like a son of a bitch." Xander spoke through gritted teeth. His eyes watched every move I made. As I looked around an idea came to me and I reached toward Anya pulling on her belt.

"Take it off. Need to stop him from bleeding."

She pulled it off and I tied it around his thigh above his injury. I knew I needed to get back to Tara. Willow wasn't in the frame of mind to keep holding the pressure. I told Xander to hang on and he nodded slightly in response. Then I told Anya to call me if anything changed. I didn't even try to stand up. Just crawled across the floor toward the birds. As I slid around to hold onto Tara again. Someone kneeled in front of us and said that an ambulance was on the way.

"Can't handle this. Please don't let them die." I wiped my tears on my shoulder. "Buffy will never forgive me if they die. I need them. Love them. When the hell did that happen?"

I stayed there trying to keep Tara from bleeding anymore. Lights flashed in the parking lot. People came into the store. Some toward Xander. Some toward us. Someone moved my hands from her and told me to get out of the way. I crab walked back till I hit the counter and couldn't go any further. Sat down on my butt and watched as they worked on them. A paramedic came to kneel in front of me.

"Sir, are you hurt?" I stared blankly at her. "Who the hell is sir? I'm a vampire. Why the fuck do they care if I am hurt or not."

"Sir, you are covered in blood. Is any of it yours?" She asked me again. I finally shook my head at her as I stared at my hands. Moved them slowly around inspecting them. There wasn't any part of them that wasn't covered in blood. I looked down at myself. My stomach and legs were all soaked in it like I had taken a bath in it.

"Look at you. Covered in blood. Their blood and all you can think of us if they are okay. If you were a decent vampire you would be rejoicing in the carnage. You are pathetic. No. Not pathetic. Family. They are my family. My family."

It went through me like a shock. I didn't know exactly when it had happened. When exactly did they go from being my enemies to my friends to my family? But they were now. I wouldn't be alone anymore as I felt them through my heart and soul.

"They're leaving. They are being loaded up and taken away. Where's Buffy? I need Buffy. Have to be with them."

I stood on legs that were shaking and tried to follow. But they wouldn't let me into the ambulances with any of them. I saw the shooter was being loaded into one of the ambulances and wondered why they were bothering.

"I have to go with them. They are my family." I said to no one in particular. A police officer next to me turned to look at me and then yelled out for someone to get me a blanket. That I was going into shock. A blanket was laid across my shoulders as I was led to a police car. They said they would give me a ride to the hospital. I followed them without reservations my mind was occupied with the others. They put me in the back of the car closing the door behind me. One of them went to check his rearview mirror and I scooted down in the seat so he wouldn't realize I didn't have any reflection.

"Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Blood everywhere. Need to feed. Can't feed. Lick it off your hands. No, it's their blood. Family. Not food."

I started to shake uncontrollably as I huddled there. My stomach was queasy as I inhaled the sweet scent of fresh human blood.

"Just a taste. Just a taste. No one will ever know. NO. I would. I would know."

My hand seemed to move involuntarily toward my mouth. The vampire tickled my face as he tried to surge toward the surface. My stomach lurched.

"Oh, my God I am going to be sick. Stop the car." I called out. When the car stopped the one police officer in the passenger seat moved to open the door for me to get out. I staggered away from them and sank to my knees. I didn't even know I could do this as I emptied my stomach onto the grass. Blood. I threw up the blood that I had drunk earlier. It was all I could taste as it coated my mouth. Causing me to retch some more.

My stomach finally calmed down a little and I slipped back into the car. My arms wrapped around myself as I practically lay on the seat. I didn't move until we reached the hospital.

"It's okay. They are okay. I'm okay. Fuck. Everybody is okay. Giles. Oh my God. I have to call Giles. I have to let him know."

The car stopped at the entrance to the emergency room. One of them came to help me out of the car. He walked into the hospital waiting room with me. I spotted Willow and Anya sitting together holding hands to keep from feeling alone. When they saw me they stood and ran toward me. I stopped them before they could hug me. If they touched me the blood would get all over them. Willow was cleaned up and wearing scrubs now.

"How are they?" I asked them hoping they had some information on their condition.

"They're working on them. We don't know anything yet." Willow explained to me then motioned for me to follow her to the nurse's desk. She asked the nurse on duty if I could have something to change in to. The nurse took one look at my condition and told me to follow her. She pointed me to a bathroom and handed me a set of scrubs. Leaving me alone to get cleaned up and changed.

I emptied out my pockets then peeled my clothes from my body. They ended up in a trash can. They weren't worth saving. I looked down at the blood that still clung to my stomach and legs. The trembling started again as I tried to wash the blood from me. With only paper towels it didn't want to come off. It mixed with the water as I wrung out the towels and I watched it as it swirled down the drain. The water making it lose its intensity and in the end was a bright pink as it vanished.

"What the hell am I doing? Pretending to be one of them. I'm a fucking vampire. Blood isn't supposed to make me sick. It's food. I am covered in my food. No, it's not food. It's Tara and Xander. It's a part of them. Love them."

I fell to my knees again trying to throw up again but my stomach was empty from the last time.

"It wasn't supposed to be like this. Where was Buffy? We need her. She isn't here. I need her. God, need to call her. Need to hear her voice."

I forced myself to stand and to pull on the scrubs. After grabbing my stuff I stepped into the hallway again. There was a pay phone hanging on the wall across from me. After finding the right change I dialed the number for Giles. Thankfully he answered because I didn't think I could talk to Dawn right now.

"Giles, there's been an accident."

"What happened?" His voice was instantly alert and filled with concern. I could see him standing there rubbing his brow.

"Tara and Xander. They're doing okay. At least I think. They were shot." I didn't say it in the best way. Just threw it out there and let him deal. At least I hoped so because I was beyond dealing.

"That was all of you. I…we saw it on the news." He stammered it out. His voice began to crack as he put us together with whatever he had seen on TV. "We'll be right there."

He hung up without saying anything else to me. When I returned to the waiting room they were back in the same place. I walked over to them and gestured for them to make room for me. They moved apart just enough for me to sit between them. Anya took my hand squeezing it hard in her fear and Willow moved to lay her head on my shoulder. I put my arm around her to pull her closer to me. My fingers softly stroked her shoulder in an attempt to comfort her.

We were still sitting like that when Giles and Dawn came running through the door. Dawn didn't stop until she was in front of us. Willow moved away from me to make room for her. She sat between us with her legs draped over mine.

"Have you heard anything yet?" Giles asked me as he stood over us.

"No, not yet."

He went to sit on the other side of Anya taking her free hand. We were like one being all connected together by touch. None of us talked as we waited for news of the other two.

"We need to call Buffy." Dawn announced when another 45 minutes passed without news.

"No, she can't do anything from there. We'll wait until we know what's going on." Giles answered her. I was so glad that he was there. He knew what to do when all I could do was fumble my way through this. This was totally out of my realm of experience.

Finally a doctor came to see us. He was some young guy that I didn't like from the first moment. Just from the way he looked.

"Ummm, the patient…the girl…" He stopped as he started to fumble with this chart apparently looking for a name. I really hoped that he was a better doctor than a human being.

"Her name is Tara." I told him with so much force that Dawn jumped in my arms. The doctor looked from his chart to me startled that I would actually stand up to him like that. But it wasn't right that he would reduce her to being a non-person. No one was going to do that with me around.

"I'm sorry, sir, you're girlfriend." That did it. Willow stood up and faced him.

"She's my girlfriend. And if you are done being an ass, could you tell me how she is."

The doctor actually took a step back as he came under fire of Willow's anger.

"She is going to be fine. The bullet passed through the shoulder without hitting a bone or major artery. Would you like to see her?"

Willow nodded at him and started to follow him.

"Xander? What about Xander?" Anya cried out to him. Her patience was wearing thin waiting for word on him.

The doctor turned to look back at her.

"I'll check and have someone come tell you. Okay?"

"That's fine. But hurry." I answered for her. Just wanted to let the doctor know that he had better watch it or he would answer to me. They were with me and I would take care of them. It was only a few minutes later that another doctor approached us. She smiled as she came toward us. I could feel Anya relax beside me.

"Hi, I'm Dr McGowan. Are you all with Xander?"

Anya stood and we followed her up. She kept her hold on Giles and me as she faced the doctor.
"Is he okay? Is Xander all right?" She anxiously asked her.

"He is stable right now. They are taking him up to surgery right now."

She went ahead and explained to us that the bullet had hit the bone and they needed to clean it up and set his leg. It looked liked everything would be fine. She proceeded to tell us how to get to the surgical waiting room. We could wait for further word there.

While Giles went with Anya and Dawn upstairs I went to check on Willow and Tara. I asked Giles if he would call Buffy once they got upstairs. Although I really wanted to talk to her I was afraid of breaking down with her. Not that I minded her knowing that I was upset it was just that I was afraid of begging her to come back. Letting all the emotions I had been holding back come gushing out and I would end up making an ass out of myself. Let Giles handle it. That was my last thought as I stepped into the exam room where Tara was.

"Hey, you two."

"Hi, Spike." Tara looked so pale lying there. Her arm was in a sling and there was a bandage peeking out from under her gown.

"You doing better?" I stepped closer to them. Willow was sitting next to her bed holding her hand. I walked over to the other side and looked down at her.

"Yeah, thanks to you." She smiled up at me. I was so glad that she was going to be okay. Life without Tara's serenity and kindness would have a huge gaping hole in it.

"You're welcome." I leaned forehead and placed a kiss on her forehead. Then I gently brushed back a piece of her hair.

"How is Xander?" Willow looked up at me with concern for her friend on her face.

I explained to them what I knew about Xander. Willow seemed to relax a bit when she heard the news. I only stayed with them for a few minutes before heading back upstairs to check on the others.

When I came off the elevator Giles was on a pay phone talking to Buffy. He was telling her that it looked like they would both be okay. I came up beside him and waited for him to finish. He mouthed to me asking if I wanted to talk to her and I shook my head no. Then told him I would talk to her later.

"No, Buffy, it wasn't a demon attack. It was a…human trying to rob the store. He's here in the hospital. Apparently he had a heart attack in the parking lot of the store."

He continued to talk with her for a few more minutes describing their injuries and letting her know that we were all okay. Finally he told her that he would call her in the morning to give her an update.

"She's not coming back?" I asked him when he hung up the phone. We turned to start toward the waiting room. I could see Dawn and Anya waiting in chairs across from each other.

"I told her that we would see how they were in the morning. Then if necessary she could make arrangements to return."

I didn't understand it. She should have been on the next plane home. Why wasn't she coming home if they mattered as much as she said they did? The logic of the matter didn't phase my righteous anger. That there wasn't really anything she couldn't do anything tonight. To attempt to leave tonight would only put Richard's family out. To make arrangements to return tomorrow did make sense but not to me. Not then. Maybe I was looking for a reason to be mad at her. The real reason I wanted to be angry wasn't allowed since I had been the one to tell her to go with him. At least here I could check on her not like being halfway across the country from me.

I sat down next to Dawn moving so that she could curl into my side. My arm around her shoulder again. Being here reminded her of when Joyce was sick. It only made her afraid that she would lose someone else. And the fact that Buffy wasn't here wasn't helping her state of mine. This only made me angrier with Buffy.

It was a couple of more hours before we heard word about Xander. By that time Willow was with us. She had been kicked out of Tara's room after they had given her a sedative to sleep through the night. A different doctor came out after a while to us to let us know that everything had gone well. Xander was going to be fine. But he would be in a cast for a month or so while the leg healed. He would be in recovery for a few hours and only after they had determined that everything was good would he be moved to a room. They said we wouldn't be allowed to see him until morning so we may as well go home for the night.

Anya was distraught. She thought that it was unfair that she couldn't see him when Willow had been able to see Tara. But we managed to convince her that to wait until tomorrow would be the best idea. Letting him get some rest would be the best thing for him. The four of us left the hospital in a somber mood. It had been a long night and we were worn out from the stress. I suggested that we all go back to Giles's and spend the night. It was late anyway and they would want to leave first thing in the morning to come back to the hospital.

Once we got back to the house Giles acted like the mother hen and made everybody tea. And after we had all gotten a cup he started to bustle about figuring out where everybody would sleep. Dawn suggested that she and I go to pick up supplies for Willow and Anya. She had already lent them some pajamas so they could go ahead to bed. I hugged and kissed them both good night before we left.

Giles lent me his car to drive so we could get there and back faster. Dawn went with me because I felt uncomfortable roaming through their personal things. Things went fine at Willow and Tara's place. I waited in the living room while Dawn packed a bag for Willow. From there we headed to Anya's place. While Dawn was packing her some clothes I headed into the bathroom to get the stuff on her list. She had been very precise on what she needed and we were trying to hurry because it was almost sunrise by then. I reached into her medicine cabinet to get some things. As I swung the door closed I glanced into the mirror. Only seeing the room behind me. I wasn't there. I reached my hand up and ran it over the cold glass.

"You are nothing. See there is only empty space where you are. They don't see you either. No one sees you. That's why Buffy left. To be with someone good enough for her."

The pressure of the night finally hit me. The fear of losing them. The family I had just realized I had. I stared into the room that didn't show me existing. I drew back my fist and made contact with the mirror.

"Quit your bloody lies. I am somebody." I shouted as the mirror shattered into a thousand pieces and then the cabinet fell from the wall. I stared down at my bleeding hand with the shards of glass dotting it.

"Spike, are you okay?" Dawn stood in the doorway looking at me. When she saw the mess I had made her eyes opened wide. "Anya is going to be so mad." She sort of laughed until she saw my hand. I stared at her with vacant eyes. I was feeling overwhelmed at all that had happened and all I could think of that I wanted was to curl up next to Buffy. But she wasn't here for me. She wasn't coming back.

Dawn walked up to me and took me by the arm. She led me into the dining room and made me sit down. The things that I had collected were taken from me and put in the pile with the clothes she had gotten together. She sat across me so she could pick the glass from my hand. I watched her with detachment as the pieces were pulled from me. When she had gotten the last piece she took me over to the sink to wash the blood away. More blood. It just never seemed to go away. It would never go away. I closed my eyes as the tears began to fall.

Dawn reached out and hugged me. Her arms tight around me as she rocked me in an effort to comfort me. I put my hand on the back of her head then laid my head on the top of hers. It felt so good just to have someone hold me. With no motive other than to take care of me. No complications.

"Dawn."

"Yeah?"

She pulled back to look up at me. My shaking hand reached out to touch her face. Her skin soft beneath mine.

"That night in the Bronze when you introduced me as your brother. I just want you to know that in my heart that you are my sister."

"I know." Then she smiled up at me. It was going to be okay. No matter what happened in the end it would turn out okay. "Come on. We need to hurry before the sun gets up."

She put Anya's stuff into a bag and we hurried out to the car. We got back to the house just as the sun was peeking over the horizon. I took the bags upstairs and put them just inside their doors. Then went back downstairs to collapse on the couch. Dawn had pulled the curtains shut so the sun wouldn't get to me. . As I lay down she covered me with a blanket softly kissing me on the cheek.

"Good night, Spike."

Soon it was all gone and I was sound asleep. She was there when I went to sleep and she was there when I woke up. Because the next thing I knew Dawn was gently shaking my shoulder rousing me into wakefulness. I opened my eyes to see her sitting on the coffee table beside me.

"Hi." She reminded me of a mother that was patiently trying to wake their child for school. In her hand was a cup of blood for me. I could smell its scent drifting toward me. It called out to me. Letting me know that I needed it. That I couldn't survive without it. The only thing in my mind though was all the blood that covered the floor of the store last night. Their blood. All I wanted to do was refuse it. I could live without it for awhile so I looked away from it.

"We need you to be strong." Dawn laid a hand on my arm. Somehow she knew where my head was. I forced myself to sit up and take the cup from her. Then without taking the time to think about it I downed it one long continuous gulp. Then I waited for her approval. This came in the form of another smile.

"What's going on?" I asked because I knew they had all been up and doing things while I slept.
She told me that Willow and Anya were at the hospital. Tara would be released tomorrow. They wanted to watch her one more day. Xander was awake and doing okay. He was pissed because he wouldn't be able to work for a couple of months. Giles was on his way back to pick the two of us up to go visit.

"And Buffy?"

"She can't be bothered. Giles has talked to her but as far as I know she isn't coming back until the end of the week. Just like nothing had happened."

Dawn was upset with her again. But I couldn't excuse Buffy this time. I needed her too and she wasn't here. She was off with her dream come true and couldn't be bothered with those of us here. The discarded ones. A part of me whispered that I was assuming things again and that I should talk to Giles first. Find out what they had talked about. But I was too hurt and angry to care what her excuses were. As far as I was concerned she should have been on the first plane back.

"Hello."

Dawn and I turned to look at Giles as he walked into the room. He was showing the strain of the last twenty-four hours himself. His hair was sticking up in tufts in places from where he had been running his hand through it.

"I hope you don't mind, Spike, I stopped by your house and picked you up some clothes." He gestured toward a bag that he was carrying.

"Thanks. I will be glad to get out of these things." I told him while pulling at the top of the scrubs that I was still wearing. "I'm going to go and take a shower. Put some clothes on."

"All right. I told Anya and Willow that we would be back to the hospital in time to take them to get some dinner." He had been with them all day. Probably going from one room to the other taking care of them. And now he was exhausted.

"Do you want me to handle things tonight and let you get some rest?" I offered to give the guy a break since they had let me sleep all day.

"No. No. I want to be there."

After I had cleaned up we went to the hospital to visit. A quick stop in the gift shop produced flowers for Tara and junk food for Xander. Like what the hell were we going to get him in a hospital gift shop? But it was to show him that we hadn't forgotten him.

They were both in pretty good spirits considering how much they had gone through. Both thanked me for what I had done and I let them know that it wasn't necessary. I did what I had to do. There was no thought into it. They had been hurt and I wanted to make it go away.

We cajoled Willow and Anya down to the cafeteria for them to get something to eat. The nurses were grateful anyway because it was that time for them to check everything and dispense medication. We stayed at the hospital until they kicked us out. Everybody ended up back at Giles's house again. No one really wanted to be alone. Except for me.

Once everyone had settled in for the night I excused myself to head for home. I really needed some privacy. Giles stopped me on the way out.

"Are you doing okay?" He asked me while searching my face for a sign of what was troubling me.

"Yeah, I am fine. I just thought…Forget it's nothing." It was the whole Buffy thing the more time that went by without her the angrier I got.

"No, tell me. Maybe I can help you out." Giles was a good man but he loved Buffy like a daughter. No matter how much he liked me he would always defend her first. I could understand it. And it was something that I admired about him. Loyal to the end.

"Giles, it's my problem and I'll handle it. Okay?"

The phone started to ring saving me from answering any more questions. I waved to him and turned to leave. As I opened the door he called out my name and I turned back to see what he needed.

"Never mind, I'll talk to you later." He told me then returned to his phone call. As I walked out the door I heard him saying something about being sure of waiting. But I didn't try to figure out what he was talking about. My mind was already somewhere else. On a little blond Slayer that was tearing me apart. I decided then it was over. The game was minus one player. Let her go and do what she wanted I wasn't going to wait anymore.

And it was time to celebrate my decision. A bottle of whiskey would be my companion tonight. Let myself get totally and completely wasted. Then tomorrow I would start my new life. Right outside of the liquor store I took my first drink straight from the bottle. And then headed home to finish my party alone.

Chapter 41 - The Rose / Part 1

Some say love it is a river
That drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love it is a hunger
An endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
And you its only seed
It's the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid waking
That never takes a chance
It's the one who won't be taken
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul afraid of dyin'
That never learns to live.

There was not a part of my body that didn't ache from exhaustion. It was an effort to keep the wheel of the Desoto on the road. I hadn't slept since Giles called me yesterday. The first thing that I thought of when he said there had been an accident was Spike and that I hadn't been there to protect him. Somehow his words had penetrated and I understood that it was Tara and Xander. Then another set of guilt took hold. Spike could handle himself. They couldn't. It was my job to protect. It was who I was. And I was off in another state trying to hide from that fact when they needed me.

The news had done a double whammy on me. First I realized how much I wanted to be with Spike. And that I was an idiot for wanting to be anywhere than at home with them. Actually three because when I realized how careless I had been with Spike's heart a pain like nothing I had ever felt ripped through me. Richard almost had to call an ambulance for me as I became more and more hysterical from my epiphany. I was hyperventilating from crying so hard and my stomach went into revolt. The poor guy had to watch me fall apart over someone else. And the fact that I was hurting him only made me worse.

They finally gave me a drink of bourbon to help me calm down. I tried to sleep but all I could do was toss and turn. Finally as morning came the first thing I did was call Giles. Told him that I was going to make arrangements to come home as soon as possible. But that was easier said than done. It seemed like everybody in fucking Dallas was trying to get to California. I ended up taking a flight into San Diego where I had to transfer planes. Finally after what seemed forever I got to Sunnydale. When I called Giles to tell him I was in town he had called out to Spike to wait. But I told him not to tell him I was there. I wanted him to be surprised when he saw me.

After going home briefly to shower and change I headed for the hospital to see my friends. They didn't want to let me in since it was after visiting hours. I lied saying that I was their sister and had just come in from out of town to see them. That I just wanted to peek in on them and then I would leave them alone. My plane tickets helped and I got a few minutes with each of them. Tara was sleeping and I didn't disturb her. But really all I wanted to know was that she was okay. I left her a note saying that I had been there and would be back in the morning.

Xander was awake and restless as anything. He was flipping channels on the television. As soon as he saw me he held his arms out to me. I ran to him so glad to be home and that they were okay. He hugged me tightly telling me that he was happy that I was there. I started to cry again when he told me. I was still wanted even after what I had done. But when I told him that he told me in no uncertain terms that if I ever hurt Spike again he would kick my butt. I looked at him in surprise. His eyes were filled with admiration and affection for my vampire.

Giles was right. He was now a part of them. And they were a part of him. I was glad. He deserved the feeling of being a part of a family. Now he would never be just Buffy's boyfriend. Maybe some good had come out of my stupidity. Because I don't think they would have bonded as well if I had been with him all summer.

My last stop before going to him was Giles's house. He told me that everybody else was there. Willow and Anya welcomed me with open arms. Giles had held me in his gentle way welcoming me back. It was Dawn that gave me the trouble. She was angry with me for not getting back sooner and for hurting Spike. I was told about his incident with the mirror and that it was my fault that his self-esteem was so bad. She was told that, yeah, some of it was my fault but a lot of people had contributed to it before I ever got there. Then I told her I wasn't leaving the house until we had made up. And the longer that I sat there the longer it would be until I was with him. She was on her feet and pulling me up before I could even get the sentence out. I was told that I was loved and forgiven. My purse and keys were put into my hands as I was shoved out onto the porch. I ended up saying good night to the closed door.

As I drove to his house I could feel the tension all the way through me. From the exhaustion and fear of his reaction. Dawn had told me that he was hurt and angry with me. In a way I wanted to take back the last couple of months and that I had just brought him home with me from Los Angeles that night. But I also knew that if I hadn't done this then there would always be a part of me that would wonder about living a normal life. Now I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt where I belonged. With him. Loving him. Fighting beside him. Living with him.

There is a part of me that wishes he had claimed me that first night he saw me. When I was sixteen and still believed in happy endings. Then I could have loved him with a totally open and innocent heart. Of course I would be a vampire and we would be creating havoc all over the world. But in my fantasy he takes my virginity and turns me all in the same act. Then I would have been truly his in every sense of the word. Someday I will tell him about it. He'll like it and then we'll probably have to act it out. I giggled at the thought breaking some of my mood.

There are so many things that I need to tell him. Things he doesn't know about. Like the nights that I have cried myself to sleep thinking I would die without him. The daily phone calls to Giles to check on him to make sure he was doing okay. The times I have held a knife or a bottle and it is my memories of his calm presence that have given me the strength to resist. I don't think he understands how he truly saved me. If he hadn't returned when he did I probably would be the drunk and whore that he first thought I was. I had given up hope and hated myself so much. It was his love that saved me.

I pulled the car into the drive cutting the lights before he could spot them. He would hear the car but I hoped that he would think it was just someone turning around. I had to take several deep breaths to have the courage to do this. Not that I doubted what I was doing. I was surer of this than anything I had ever done. But to face the hurt I had caused.

From the trunk of the car I picked up my suitcase and overnight bag. And forced myself to move toward the house. It was quiet as I moved through the house looking for him. Outside of his bedroom I put my stuff down. It is times like that that I miss him breathing. The comforting rumble of air moving through his chest would let me know where he was. I think of what it would be like to lay my head on his chest and be able to listen to a heartbeat beneath my ear. The gentle rise and fall of his body. But it is something that hasn't been since I have known him and it will never be there.

I stand in the doorway of his bedroom and spot him sleeping. He is stretched on his back a blanket low on his belly. He is beautiful in the moonlight. Pale and solid like the finest marble. He is striking in his slumber like a stone. My stone. My rock.

The past two years he has always been the one solid connection in my life. Always there. Always trying to take care of me and my own. I am glad that he is part of them now. He deserves so much love. And I pray that I am up to the task. That somehow I won't disappoint him again like I have done in the past.

As I took the first step into his room I accidentally kicked an empty whisky bottle. It slid across the floor and bumped into the corner of the dresser. I winced at the noise and my eyes darted quickly to see if he had heard. I froze as his eyes flickered open and he saw me. They widen in hope then quickly closed in pain.

"Buffy, quit fucking haunting me. Please just leave me be."

He must think that I'm not real. A hallucination brought on from his drinking. The real me wouldn't be wearing his duster. To him it had gone to the dump with someone's garbage. The night he thought I had given myself to someone else. I had watched from the window as he threw it away. But I rescued his prize possession. I knew that one day it would hurt him that it was gone. And I wanted to keep it safe for him. And the only time I truly felt safe away from him was when I was wearing it.

I start to pull the clothes from my body while watching him. He moved to his side covering his eyes with his hands. Once I was nude I crawled into bed beside him. Curled onto my side in front of him I gently pulled his hands from his face.

"I'm here. It's going to be okay." I whispered to him holding his hands. He stared at me in disbelief pulling a hand free to touch my face. His eyes shuttered in fear.

"You can't be real. My Buffy doesn't want me. You can't be real." He started to say that over and over again.

But his hand kept touching me. It moved down my body while his eyes held mine. He cupped my breast running his thumb over my nipple. Then changed motions to squeeze at the mound then returned to squeezing and gently pinching the nipple again. It has been so long since he has touched me. I moved closer to him pressing my lips to his. He tastes of whiskey, cigarettes and the taste that is uniquely him. He takes to my mouth like a starving man. His tongue plunged into my mouth unlike his usual gentle request. He ravished my mouth and I couldn't keep up with the intensity of his probing.

I moved yet closer to him draping my leg over his hip. His hardened cock now lies against me. I stir restlessly against it as I began to burn from the desire for him. My fingernails tear into his flesh as I feel myself trying to keep up with his need. I forced myself to relax that even drunk he would never hurt me. I start to close my mouth. My teeth slowly came down on his tongue trying to force him out of my mouth because I need to breathe. As he breaks contact I throw my head back gulping in great quantities of oxygen.

His hand has found a place between my legs. Separating me. Seeking. His mouth had moved on to my neck. His teeth nipped at my flesh. Then his tongue licked at what he bit. Gentle and then rough. Over and over. While his hand continues to prod and plunge into my cunt.

Those words. Cunt. Cock. Fuck. Cum. I could never say them when we were first together. There were so many things I didn't know. But I became his eager pupil as he took me to places that I didn't even know existed. How to truly give and take pleasure without embarrassment. No matter what we have done he has never shamed or degraded me. I trust him now with my body. It is his to do as he wishes. No matter where he leads it will only lead to a greater sense of pleasure for the both of us.

I started to gyrate against his hand that is now coated with my wetness. My body eager for his touch was flowing out of control. The heady musk was like a cloud around us. His hand slips away to cup my ass. His mouth has moved down to my breasts. There is so much heat coming from me. I try to arch closer to the coolness of his flesh. But he holds me down as he assaults my breast with his tongue. He circles the entire globe with his tongue. With each rotation he closes in on my nipple. His other hand has moved up to fondle the neglected one. I moan and quiver beneath his ministrations. I want him now and begin to rotate my hips against his cock. But he isn't done with me yet.

He pulls away from me pushing me into the mattress. Then he moves over me coming to rest between my legs. He started to kiss my belly progressing slowly downwards until his face is buried against me. Soft kisses against my outer lips. Then he gave a quick lick from bottom to top before he separated them with his tongue. He knows how to take me to the heights of euphoria with his touches. I reached down to bury my fingers in his hair. Pulled him closer to me. He joked once that if he were human he would have suffocated from my demands. It doesn't take long before I scream out his name as I cum around him. He moved back over me holding himself on his hands above me. I couldn't stand it and reached up for him to bring him down to kiss him. A smile crossed his lips as I reached my tongue out to trace his lips to taste myself on him. This is something that pleases him.

He was resting against my entrance and I reached down between us to guide him to me. I hold him until his tip is buried inside of me. Then my hands moved to rest on his sides. I opened my legs more to give him better access. He plunges into me without hesitation filling me completely. I gasp and arch up toward him. He stretches me like no one else has. He hesitated as I adjusted to having him back inside of me. Then began to move building power with each thrust. I drew him down to rest on me as my arms encircled him. Then pulled my legs up to wrap around him with my feet resting on his butt.

I can only hold on as he forcefully pounds into me. It is not done cruelly or thoughtlessly this relentless fucking. It has been so long and his next words let me knows that he still doesn't think that I am really here. He muttered into my neck without losing momentum.

"How pathetic I have become. Humping my damn bed trying to get an hallucination off."

Tears began to fall down my face as I face what I have driven him to. I start to caress him softly whispering in his ear how much I love him. That I will never go away again. I tell him that I need him always. As I speak to him he changes rhythm to a slow grind. He knows this will get me off with no other simulation. And as I do I squeeze him from inside as he brings me to another orgasm.

As soon as I am done he rolls off of me. He laughed that at least he was able to get his dream off. His hand wrapped around himself and begins to stroke his still hardened flesh. I turned toward him removing his hand and replacing it with my mouth. The time for the slow tease is over and I began to suck and move over him to bring him to fulfillment. His hand wrapped in my hair and he began to thrust upwards. I take as much of him in as I can while my hands try to hold his hips down. But it only takes a couple of moments before he cums into my mouth. He won't let me move until he is done. But he is mine. And it doesn't matter as I swallow his essence down.

Then he releases me and rolls over to face the wall. I told him that I love him and everything is fine. But he shouted at me to shut up and leave him alone to let him sleep in peace. To please just let him sleep without me haunting him. A pillow is pulled over his head and he holds it into place. His face buried into the wall. I lay down behind him and he scoots closer to the wall. I waited until he was asleep again and took the pillow from over his head. It was put back under his head and then I moved to share it with him. My hand rested on his side.

My last thought before I went to sleep was that I was blessed to be his.

Chapter 42 - The Rose / Part 2

When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long
And you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed that with the suns love
In the spring becomes the rose.

I wake to the feeling that my head was being ripped apart. My mouth felt full of cotton. I opened and closed it a few times to try to work moisture through it. My face was pressed against the coolness of the wall. It felt good against my skin. I laid there for a few minutes trying to get my bearings. Last night was a foggy memory where even removing my clothes and going to bed are lost to it. But I do remember the dreams of Buffy. More vivid than any I have ever had before. And I hurt. She hurts me. The decision I had made the night before to forget her is the best for me. I turned onto my back as the heels of hands attempted to wipe sleep from my eyes. My elbow collided into something soft. I stopped for a moment.

"Oww, Spike."

It's her. In my bed. Last night hadn't been a dream after all. The damn girl had crawled into my bed while I was sleeping. I threw the blanket back and stand up to look down at her. Her eyes open and I see a hint of fear in them as she realizes that I am angry. Good. Let her feel it.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

She reached for the blanket to cover herself but I kicked it away from her. Her eyes closed for a moment then she looked up at me with determination in her eyes now.

"I've come home to you."

She couldn't have dealt it any plainer than that. But it was too late. The decision had been made and I wanted to stick by it. At the time it seemed the only way to survive.

"Get out. I don't want you anymore."

I went to my dresser to grab a clean pair of jeans and then a towel from the shelf. She didn't move just followed me with her eyes as I started to leave the room.

"I'm not going anywhere."

Her voice was softer this time but no less determined.

I turned back to her and my foot got caught in the strap of her bag causing me to trip. That was just what I needed was to be humiliated in front of her. I glanced over at her as I fell against the wall. Her eyes widened in trepidation but she didn't say or do anything. As I stood back up I kicked her bag down the hallway.

"I don't give a shit what you think. Get your god damn stuff and get out of my house."

Then I turned to go into the bathroom. The shower felt good against me as I stood letting the spray fall over me. She was there in my room. Naked. We had sex last night and I couldn't remember but just a few moments of it. She said she was staying. But it was too much to believe. There were no sounds at all outside the bathroom as I finished up. After I pulled my jeans on I went back to my room to see if she was still there. Not really sure if I wanted her to be there or not. But she was. She was sitting on the bed wrapped in the blanket flipping through one of the wallpaper sample books.

"I thought I told you to get out."

I grabbed a clean t-shirt out of the dresser and pulled it over my head. She sighed and looked up at me. The book was closed and laid back down on the floor.

"And I already told you that I wasn't going anywhere."

I moved to stand over her while her eyes had the beginnings of fear again. I didn't want to hurt her just wanted her gone. Something nudged me inside telling me to be careful that I needed to move slowly and watch my temper. I reached down wrapping my hands around her arms and pulled her up. There was nothing rough in my motions. It was slow and deliberate. She could have stopped me at any moment. Once she was standing I leaned against her pushing her back into the wall. My hands were on either side of her. Her face was so close I could feel her breathe against me.

"I don't believe you, Buffy. You feel guilty because of what happened. This isn't about love. It's about making you feel better for leaving us. And I don't care how you feel anymore. And I want you out."

I didn't shout but said it calmly so she would understand that I meant it. Her eyes searched mine as she listened to me. I could see it. The guilt. It was big enough to consume her and she was trying to make amends. If she had loved me she would have come back sooner.

"I do love you, Spike. Just give me a chance to prove it." Buffy stammered the words out to me. She moved a hand to rest it on my side under my shirt. Softly she stroked my flesh. It screamed out for her. Every nerve ending in my body wanted to make love to her again.

"You know if the situation was reversed. If it had been you passed out drunk last night and I had come in here to fuck you this morning you would have been screaming rape. Is that how you prove your love."

I let go of her and stepped back. The tears had started to fall and I felt like a bastard for hurting her. Last night hadn't been rape. I had seen the bruises on her skin. There had been no gentleness in what we had done last night. Or in what I had done. But she had taken the roughness because she had been trying to comfort me. And in a way it made me love her more.

Her face turned bright red and she turned her face from me. I wanted so badly to reach out and pull her to me. To tell her how much I loved her. But I was afraid of making myself vulnerable again. She tightened the blanket around her and moved toward the door. I stood my ground and waited to see what she would do. She knelt beside her suitcase and took out some clothes. Then she moved down the hallway to grab her tote bag. She slipped into the bathroom closing the door behind her.

When I heard her turn the shower on I moved to go upstairs. It was the living room that I was working on right now but I wanted to be away from her. There was a bunch of junk left behind from someone in the master bedroom and I began to gather it up into one pile. As I was throwing some stuff into an old box she stepped into the room. I ignored her.

"Spike, I'm going to go and pick up Dawn. We're going to go and help bring Tara home." She stayed in the doorway and waited for some kind of response. When I didn't give it she told me that she would be home in a few hours.

"This isn't your bloody home." I shouted out to her as she moved down the stairs. When she didn't answer me I threw an old book across the room. Enjoying the thud as it landed against the wall. Now that she was gone I went back downstairs. The rest of the wallpaper needed to come off the walls.

The kitchen was done now. The appliances had arrived on Friday and were now operational. There were still a few things to be done to it. But it felt good that it was now functional. My blood was now stored in the fancy new refrigerator.

I grabbed a quick mug of it and returned to work in the living room. After I finished ripping all the wallpaper off that would be easily removed I started to scrape at some places that the glue and paper had stuck.

It was almost six when I heard the car pull into the drive. I glanced out the window and saw her come up the walk. She was carrying a bag of take out with her. I guess this morning she realized that there wasn't anything for her to eat here. I returned to my work as she came through the door. She came to stand beside me before she said anything. Once she realized she had my attention she told me hello.

I looked at her briefly before returning to what I was doing. She moved to put the bag of food on the table in the corner. Her movements were careful and methodical. Like she was telling herself what to do. There wasn't anything natural about her. She glanced over at me before she headed for the kitchen. I listened as she busied herself in the kitchen. She poured out a mug of blood for me popping it into the microwave to warm up. After it beeped she came back into the living room with the mug, some plates, napkins and silverware. I stopped what I was doing to watch her play the little wife. She set the plates out. The mug was placed next to the plate across from her. Then she set the food out.

"Go wash up before it gets cold." She looked at me in defiance. Daring me to be nasty to her when she was trying so hard to be nice to me. I shrugged my shoulders and decided to play along. She had brought home Chinese food. Next to wings it was one of my favorites. And the blood had been a thoughtful touch because it showed she remembered I liked to dip my egg roll in it.

When I returned to sit across from her there was already an egg roll on my plate and the containers of food were open and waiting for me to help myself.

As we began to eat she told me that Tara was settled at home and was feeling pretty good. She and Willow had decided they just wanted to be alone tonight. Buffy had gone to rent movies for them and picked them up some food too.

"I told Xander that we would be back after dinner to see him."

I was looking for a reason to be angry with her even as slim of an excuse as this one. She wasn't doing anything wrong. If the truth were to be told she was doing everything right. But I didn't want it. Not now. I put my fork down moving to lean on my arms on the table. And then waited until she was looking at me.

"So, not only do you presume to just crawl into my bed and move into my house yet again. Now you're making decisions for me. Forget it. I do what I want when I want."

A slow blush covered her face and she blinked back some tears. I knew I was being an ass about everything. Shame moved through me as I realized that I had embarrassed her.

"How long are you going to punish me?" She held my gaze unwaveringly. A bit of defiance was flashing in her eyes again. "I'm not saying I don't deserve this but just give some time frame for how long you're going to do this."

"For as long as it takes for you to realize I don't want your guilt and for you to get the fuck out of my life." I stood sending my chair crashing to the ground. She stood when I did and glared at me across the table.

"And I have already told you that I am not going anywhere."

She started to pack up the cartons of food and clean up the table. I just watched her as she did not offering to help. If she wanted to play wife let her do it. When she moved to take the leftovers to the kitchen I left to take another shower. I was going to see Xander. I had planned on it anyway. In a lot of ways I was being unfair to her and I knew it. She kept telling me what I had always told her. That I wasn't going anywhere. But she had gone somewhere. She had left me. I couldn't let myself believe that she was really here to stay. It was too much to hope for.

She was waiting for me in the living room when I got out of the shower. Curled into a corner of the couch her arms wrapped around herself. She looked like a lost little girl and it tugged at my heartstrings. For some reason though I still held onto my pride.

I walked past her to head outside. She scrambled up and followed me out. But I didn't wait for her as I moved toward the bike. She tried to follow me but as I soon as I started it up I turned it toward the street. Leaving her behind. I hesitated at the edge of the street to turn back to look at her. She was watching me leave her. Her face etched in hurt. I could be an ass to her and excuse that away. But I couldn't be deliberately cruel to her.

I pulled out onto the street and turned back around. She was opening the door of the Desoto when I pulled up next to her. My eyes met the greenness of hers waiting for the jolt of awareness that I knew would come. It did. The connection was still there. I gestured toward the back of the bike and waited as she climbed on. I closed my eyes as her legs pressed against mine. And I remembered the first time she had ridden with me. The night I had gotten back. She moved me like no one else did and I wanted her even more in that moment. Her arms slid around my waist and she scooted forward so that she was pressed against me. I just wanted to drive on and on. To never let her off that bike. Maybe if we ran away we could delude ourselves with love forever.

The visit with Xander was pretty good. He was in better spirits then the last time I had seen him. And he liked that we had come together. Making jokes that we were all back together. I let it slide because he didn't need to know right now how strained things were between us. Having an excuse to touch her I put my arm around her and pulled her close. Enjoying having her softness against me. She stiffened when I first moved toward to her but she soon relaxed into me. It was almost like we were really together. Her arms moved around me and her hand rested on my stomach.

I had difficulty following the conversation around me with her being so near to me. Hopefully, I made the right responses at the right time. Xander made a joke about something and she laughed. The sound went though me and I wondered if we would ever laugh together again. Would we ever be able to relax enough around each other to have fun? Like that night in the cemetery when we just played together. Involuntarily I squeezed her a little harder against me. When I did I came under her scrutiny resulting in a gentle pat to my stomach. I didn't want this. I didn't want to be closer to her. But I smiled it out until we left.

She was under my arm right up until we were out of sight of Xander's room. Then I took it away from her and continued down the hall without her. It wasn't until I had pressed the button for the elevator did I turn to look at her. She looked so crushed. And I had been the one to do it to her. She was a smart girl and would know that it was just an act in front of Xander. I looked away. If I didn't look I wouldn't know. If I didn't know then I didn't have to make the decision. I could keep my heart guarded.

It was becoming harder to stay angry with her. Buffy had been there all day taking my bullshit and hadn't bailed yet. A few times she had even stood up to me. I was just so afraid to believe that that this was happening. That she was here to stay. If I let her in and tomorrow she changed her mind again I would probably kill her. Destroy everything that I had been building. Was being with her worth the risk of losing myself? I didn't know.

It was still early when we got back home. I let her get off the bike at the front door while I took it around back to park it. I went in through the back door and found her in the kitchen getting ice. Then ice water. And I was reminded again that there wasn't anything in the house for her to eat or drink.

"Do you want to go to the store?"

Where the bloody hell had that come from? I had just basically told her that she was staying. And she had taken it that way from the look in her eyes. I sighed as I realized I had just out maneuvered myself.

"Let's go." I didn't wait for a response from her just turned and headed out to the car. She followed me without saying anything. Neither of us said a word until we got to the store. When she thought I wasn't looking I caught her checking her wallet for money. She was startled when I laid my hand on hers. It was the classic deer-in-the-headlights look.

"Get what you want." I held her eyes so she would know that I would take care of her. There was only a moment of hesitation before she nodded her head. We moved slowly through the store both of us grabbing stuff that we wanted or looked good. The talk was coming later. But it was kind of understood now that I was letting her stay. Actually we both had known it earlier. If I had really wanted her to leave I would have found a way to get rid of her.

She was trying to decide what flavor ice cream she wanted when I opened the freezer case and started to grab different flavors.

"What are you doing? If you want that much it's cheaper to just buy it by the half gallon." She laughed at the dozen different ones in the cart.

"Yeah, but I don't know which flavor tastes better on you."

She stopped laughing as I saw the desire run through her. Lighting her eyes up. I couldn't resist her any longer as I reached over and tugged her by the hair toward me. She sighed just as I captured her mouth. She was so sweet as she opened her mouth to me. I heard someone giggle and I broke away from her. But kept her tucked under my arm as we finished the grocery rounds.

As we left the store there were some guys breaking down boxes. I asked them if I could have some of them. When they let me I put them in the trunk of the car. Buffy just looked at me but I didn't explain. On the ride home she was sitting by the passenger door, which was too far away for me. I reached over putting my hand between her legs.

"Spike!"

I laughed and squeezed her upper thigh then pulled her toward me.

"All you had to do was ask." She said as she scooted toward me. It just felt right to have her beside me. Snuggled into my side with her hand on my leg. There was still a lot of things to work out but this was right.

We got the groceries in the house and I told her to just worry about the cold stuff for now. I kissed her on the brow and told her just do it for me. I unpacked the stuff and handed it to her to put away. Except for one pint of ice cream. Mint Chocolate Chip. After everything else was put away I pulled the top off of it and scooped some out on my finger. As she closed the door I pinned her to it.

"Buffy, close your eyes and open your mouth."

We needed to talk because she did it without question. That was either really gutsy or really trusting. I opted for the latter choice. I took the scoop of ice cream and sucked it off my finger and leaned into her. She giggled when my mouth closed over hers and she tasted the ice cream on me. Then it was a battle as to who could get the most of it before it melted. I won.

"I love you, Spike."

She looked relaxed and happier than she had all day. Like she had been given a present that she really wanted and had been looking forward too. I wasn't there just yet. It was closer than before but I wasn't ready to say the words just yet. I kissed her quickly again and took her by the hand.

"Come on."

There was one more thing to do that night. Get her stuff. Not all of it. Just her clothes and bathroom stuff. Whatever personal stuff she couldn't live without until we could move everything else. When we got to her apartment I sent her into the bathroom to pack while I started on her closet. Pulling clothes down and taking them out to the car. After I got everything out of the closet I went in to start taking out the boxes she had already packed. I glanced around before we left when I spotted a box in the closet. I almost called out to her to see if she wanted it. But she was already down the hall. I grabbed it putting it on the bed to check it out. When I pulled the top off I saw it was the lingerie I had bought her. I ran it over my hands as I pulled it out. Didn't she want it?

"I couldn't wear it unless you could see it."

I looked back at her as she stood in the doorway. Then back down at the pile of silk and satin covering her bed. All the pink and white and the other few colors mixed in. All piled on the bed that I had never had a chance to make love to her in. This bed had been part of my fantasies for so long. It wouldn't go in the house. Not in the master bedroom anyway. So, it was now or never for us on this bed.

She moved to my side as I threw the box on the floor.

"Give me a fantasy before we have to face reality."

A quizzical look crossed her face as her eyes studied my face. I stepped closer to her reaching for the hem of her shirt. Her eyes closed as I began to draw it up. She raised her arms so I could pull it over her head. We had been through so much together. I didn't want to wait to be with her. There was all the time in the world to talk. Soft kisses across her shoulders while I reached behind and undid her bra. It joined the shirt on the floor.

"Kiss me." She asked so nicely. But it wasn't time yet. Wanted her naked first. I picked her up and dropped her on the bed instead. Knelt beside it to remove her shoes and socks. Holding her foot in my hand I dropped a kiss to her ankle. I stood to pull my shirt off. A knee on the bed between her legs while I reached for the clasp of her jeans. I watched her as I undid them. Her eyes smoldered as they followed my movements. She rose up some so I could pull them off her hips and down her legs.

She was naked. The way I wanted her to be. I gazed at her wondering where to start. There wasn't a part of her that I didn't want to reacquaint myself with. Every satiny inch of her flesh was there waiting for me. And I was like a kid in a candy store trying to figure out what to taste first.

Buffy moved so she wasn't lying across the bed anymore. Her hands picked up a handful of the lingerie to dump it over the side of the bed.

"Don't."

I went to lie next to her. Reached a hand out to take the bundle of satin and silk from her. Then I dropped it on her. She stirred restlessly on the bed letting me know that I was making her wait. A finger hooked into one of the straps and I dragged it slowly across her. Up and over her breasts watching as her nipple puckered as it slid across her. I heard her breath catch as it tickled her. I rose to my knees next to her. Pushing aside the other pieces I kept a hold of the one teddy. Soft and rosy pink. Like her. I bunched it up and moved down to her feet. Letting one piece of material out I trailed it slowly over her legs. Goosebumps were left in its wake. Then soft kisses followed them. All the way up to her thighs. My knee moved to separate her legs.

She opened for me. The silk was trailed on the inside of her thighs. Her eyes never left me until I moved to kneel between her legs. I bent forward and blew softly against her curls. She arched up toward my face while her head tossed. Her eyes closed now.

"Mmmmmh, Spike. Please."

The silk visited her slowly then started up her belly. I paused for a quick taste of her sweet honey. Then followed the silk up her body. I let it play with her breasts. Softly tickling her nipples. They beaded up. So sweetly asking for attention. I brought my hips down to be cradled against her apex. Resting on my elbows above her. She pulled her knees up to use her heels for leverage against the bed. So, she could rub herself against me. I looked down into her face. This was the woman that I loved. The woman who had given me a life that I didn't know I could have. And the anger was gone. All that mattered was that she was here with me now.

I moved so that I could wind my fingers in her hair. She looked up at me. Then I brought my lips to hers. We kissed slowly at first. Her tongue demanded my attention and I gave it. To the dance that was so primal and raw in nature that I didn't ever want it to stop. Her hands held me to her so I wouldn't move away from her. My hands started to roam what I could reach of her body. All of a sudden I found myself on my back. With her above me.

"I love you." She whispered it against my mouth as she broke our kiss. Her mouth started to kiss me hurriedly down my neck. Down my chest. Down my belly. Her hands tore at my jeans undoing them then bringing down my legs. She moved to the side so she could pull them off. They landed on the floor.

She moved over me again. Kissing my thighs moving my legs apart with her hands. But I didn't want that now. I wanted her. To be inside of her. I reached down and grasped her under her arms and pulled her up. Until she was above me.

"Now, Buffy."

She sank down on me and I arched up into her. My hands holding her hips as she began to move against me. Coming down to grind against me so that I was in her to the hilt. She felt so good as she squeezed me and made me hers again.

I reached a finger up to trace a bead of sweat down her chest. She shifted to move her breast to my hand. My eyes went to hers as I obeyed her request. Kneading the mound that I held. Tweaking and rolling the beaded pebble. I searched her face for the love I needed from her. It was there in her eyes as she took me into her body over and over again. My hand moved back to her face. Cupping the cheek in my palm. She leaned into it. And I realized that no matter what she had my heart and this was the only place I wanted to be.

I reached my hands out to her and flipped us again. She groaned against the momentary loss of contact. I leaned on my elbows again so I could watch her face.

"Wrap your legs around me, Baby."

I waited until she did then began to move inside of her. Watching every expression on her face. Every nuance that the pleasure gave her. She held my eyes as we became lost in the journey. The heat building between us to the point where I thought she would combust. I waited until she crested before I let myself go. Falling with her to other side of love.

As she regained her breath I leaned down and kissed her softly.

"Buffy?"

"Mmmmh."

"What do you want from us? Because I can't take you ever leaving again."

She looked up at me her hand tracing the edge of my face.

"To love you forever. To be here with you. I promise, Spike, that I will never leave you again. Not if I have anything to say about it."

Then she rose up to kiss me. To seal her promise to me.

It's a promise that she has kept so far. She has been with me for five years now. Sometimes even now I go to look for her to make sure she is there. Just to reach out to touch her. And when I do she will a reach out to hold me. Her eyes always filled with love. A patient smile on her face as if to reassure me that she is still there.

I wish I could tell you that we have lived happily ever after. But we haven't. What did you expect? Champagne, roses and glass slippers? This is Buffy and me. A vampire slayer and a vampire building a life together on a hellmouth. Life is hard and living in it is even harder. We have had to stop a couple more apocalypses, fought more vampires and demons than we care to count. There have been family problems to contend with. And always power struggles between us. We still fight as passionately as we make love. But we are doing it together. And that's all that counts.

The End.

Next in series

Return to Bloodshedverse Home
 Use scroll bars to see reviews