Down Comes Baby

By Mrs. Muir

 

 

*Bloodshedverse note-for some reason, I had a hard time getting all the text changed, and it is a time consuming endeavor to get it all the same color, so my apologies.  I'll fix it tomorrow!

 

Chapter 1 – Changes

 

 

I still don't know what I was waiting for

And my time was running wild

A million dead-end streets

Every time I thought I'd got it made

It seemed the taste was not so sweet

So I turned myself to face me

But I've never caught a glimpse

Of how the others must see the faker

I'm much too fast to take that test

David Bowie

 

 

 

Buffy was late.

 

It always worried Spike when she was out of sight for too long. And although she’d call to say that she had an errand to run after Journey’s play group it made him wonder where she was. A slim pale finger tapped the side of the aluminum ellipse clock engraved with their anniversary date and calculated how long it should have taken her. It was after twelve and their daughter was used to her lunch promptly at noon. A small luxury they could afford since neither of them worked full time and was available to cater to their children’s every need. They always tried to keep their now three-year-old daughter on a schedule. The child care books said it gave children security to be able to count on things and making their baby feel safe was important to both her parents.

 

Spike picked up phone with every intention of checking up on his wife but after a second of debate returned it to the cradle. She’s safe, the baby is safe, he told himself and leaned back in his chair. The paperwork that Angel had couriered from Los Angeles for him to sign was forgotten on his desk while he tried to rationalize his fears. Ever since Buffy’s pregnancy Spike had felt a need to always know the whereabouts of his wife and children. The fight with the First a year ago had only deepened that fear. He knew that his obsession was sometimes a suffocating hold on his family but they tolerated it with as much good humor as they could. After all, they knew it was out of love and not in an insane need to control them.

 

The sound of tires crunching along the graveled driveway made Spike pull the blinds up to see who was pulling in. Even before he saw the vehicle he knew it was Buffy. The sound of the Navigator barreling over the bricked edge of the garden was a dead giveaway. His truck was really too big for Buffy to handle but she liked the power and security it gave so Spike indulged her. He swore though that one day she was going to take the corner off the house.

 

Spike hurried out to greet them with relief flooding his heart. He jogged down the back stairs, taking in the brunette undoing the child seat. After Buffy’s return from the Brandon Clinic her hair had never returned to blonde. It had been almost every other shade and style but she had never been his Goldilocks again. He didn’t mind though; after all, she was still with him.

 

“Hey,” Buffy said over her shoulder. “I’m sorry. The mall was really crowded for some reason. Must have been a run on vampire detectors or something.”

 

“I was getting worried.”

 

Everything crashed back into place when she turned around holding their child in her arms. A love that was purer than sunlight radiated through his being and banished any remaining doubts that he may have had. Spike leaned over to enjoy the familiar taste of her lips as he kissed her. At thirty the tiny Slayer was even more beautiful than when he’d first met her. Her body was as tone and taut as it had been at sixteen thanks to an intense training and exercise routine. A few lines had settled next to her eyes but she said that they were her happiness quotients. Her hair dyed to such a dark brown, that it was almost black, hung to her waist in a riot of wild curls. But it was her eyes that had changed the most. World weary, they had the wisdom of several lifetimes radiating from the hazel orbs. And her hands still gave a love that knew no end to her husband. She had become the rock to which his happiness and heart was secured to.

 

“Look, Joy, Daddy was waiting for us,” Buffy cooed, kissing the child’s cheek. “I bet he even has lunch waiting for us. No more of those nasty crackers Mummy was trying to feed you.”

 

Spike glanced behind them into the truck and saw crumbs all over his leather upholstery. He smiled and shook his head at the mess, but there was no anger for his child. Journey hated crackers and usually just crumbled them up in her surety of not eating them. He held his arms out for the child that was a crazy mixture of both Buffy and him. Her hair was his, dark and curly, her nose was definitely her mother’s and her eyes, well they were his too, but magnified in their intensity.

 

“Daddy, Daddy, Mummy shopping,” Journey informed her father as she was transferred to his arms. She wrapped herself around him as he hugged her tight.

 

“What did Mummy buy?” Spike asked. He watched as Buffy grabbed a shopping bag from the backseat.

 

“Secret,” Journey crowed, clapping her hands. She glanced proudly at her mother and Spike knew she’d been coaxed not to say anything to him. Her small hands cupped his face to turn him toward her. “Kiss me, Daddy.”

 

A smile lit up his face as he turned back to his daughter. He kissed her as requested. She was the personification of everything good in him and every moment with Journey only made his life only more valuable. He carried her back into their home while Buffy followed. He headed for the bathroom and listened to Buffy using the kitchen sink while they washed up. Journey kept up a list of everything she’d done so far that morning but he still listened to the sound of his wife putting their lunch together.

 

Curiosity made him glance into the bag as he passed it on the way to the table. Inside was two wrapped presents and he looked to Buffy in confusion. “Did I miss someone’s birthday or something?”

 

“Nope, it’s for you,” Buffy said, putting plates out for them. “Later though when little miss is napping.”

 

It took only a couple of minutes for Journey to be put into her booster seat and for sandwiches to be passed out. It was halfway through their meal that Spike took notice of the curl of fear in his belly. There was something distant in his wife’s attitude and he just knew that whatever was in those packages wasn’t going to make him happy.

 

 

~~~~~~~~

 

 

Their quiet conversation and hushed laughter floated through the house. Buffy smiled as she listened to Spike putting their baby down for a nap. They always called this their private time. Although Sean now lived away from home at college, the house was still full with their other three children, Del, the dog and various other family members still coming to stay with them. During the afternoon when the children were at school, Del was running errands and Journey was sleeping, they were left with a small window of intimacy they had come to count on.

 

Buffy stretched out on the bed and waited to hear his footsteps padding up the stairs. Today they came at an almost frantic pace. Her heart caught at his urgency, knowing that the shopping bag was the reason. Everything in their lives and relationship would change once he opened them. Buffy considered getting rid of them quickly as she watched her husband walk to her. It needed to be done though and she loved him enough to see it through. He crawled onto the bed and she opened her arms so he could settle on top of her.

 

“I love you, Spike,” Buffy whispered, her hands floating over his back. He was so solid; her anchor in a life that constantly changed. She wrapped her legs around his hips as if they were one being “You make me so happy.”

 

“I love you, too, Buffy,” Spike whispered.

 

His kiss was so full of need that it made her heart ache knowing that yet again she would be the one to hurt him. The packages they both dreaded were forgotten as they let their bodies lead the way. His hands touched her with gentleness as they floated over her flesh. He unbuttoned her shirt and pushed it aside so he could suckle at her breast. Her fingers clenched in his hair, forcing him against her flesh that ached for his touch. It was a familiar haze covering them. The days of discovery were over but yet each time was a new voyage they had come to yearn for.

 

Spike kissed his way toward her neck while his fingers stroked her over her shorts. They caressed her soft flesh until she could feel her body flooding in preparation for her husband’s claim. She was always aroused so easily by the merest touch of him. A growl of possession vibrated the softness of her throat as he sucked upon the curve between shoulder and neck. Buffy let her head fall back, hoping he would bite her and give a stronger edge to their bonding.

“Buffy, let’s have another baby,” Spike said, pulling back. His hand cradled her cheek as stared down at her. “Journey’s three and I don’t want to wait too long.”

 

It was time. He knew that something was happening he just wasn’t sure what and was trying to find another reason to tie him to them. It was always a new excuse to hide behind. Buffy couldn’t let him do it anymore. He needed to leave them while he still loved them. The job offer from Jake of Matrix Returns was the perfect excuse to go. It would give Spike the freedom he needed while doing the one thing he was good at; fighting evil.

 

Buffy sighed and sat up. She grabbed the bag, putting it between them, knowing that the innocent lies they lived under would forever be shattered. It was the old adage of being cruel to be kind. Spike had denied himself for so long that he’d forgotten how to ask for what he needed. When she had returned from the clinic he’d told her that she’d had time to deal with what had happened, he hadn’t. And to this day he still hadn’t. Their lives had become lost in the daily living of making a family and starting a new business. Spike had never grieved, had never raged, had never let go of what happened during her pregnancy with Journey. It was building inside of him and one day it would explode.

 

The prophecy dreams she’d had as a teenager had returned with a vengeance after her merging with Drusilla. The vampire’s second sight and her Slayer instincts made for an almost dead on accuracy at the future. A nightmarish future haunted her night after night telling her that she faced a life without her mate beside her. It was never clear but she suspected it was linked back to that terrible time in their lives and the consequences that were never dealt with. Buffy was determined to beat fate at her own game by letting Spike go before he was taken from her. The distance between them would give him a chance to find the man that he wanted to be for him and hopefully for her. And maybe after he’d faced what was hiding inside of him the threads of time would have been changed and he could return to her.

 

“Open it,” Buffy said, pushing the bag closer to him. Her eyes filled with tears as her rejection brought a mixture of pain and fear to her husband’s face. She didn’t reach out to him even though it was killing her.

 

Buffy watched as Spike’s trembling fingers slide the wrapping paper off the smallest present. It was a journal. She’d gotten it for him to take and record what he saw and did. Hopefully, it would bring the writer out in him again. Let him find the poet that still hid inside of him somewhere. He laid it on the bed without question to open the second offering. It was a backpack for him to carry on his journeys. His hands caressed the soft leather as he examined the many pockets it offered. Finally he gave up pretending to like it. A single teardrop fell onto the gift from her husband’s heartbroken eyes.

 

“What are these for?” Spike asked. His voice was soft around the choked sound of his pain.

 

“I want you to take the job with Jake.”

 

“You want me to leave?”

 

The single question tore Buffy’s heart from her chest. It was the one thing he’d come to fear the most. That the day would come when they’d lose the precious binds between them for good. They’d been shredded before and it had been a horrendous fight to keep their marriage together. The years had brought them closer together than ever before but there was still something between them. Damaged and forgotten. It had been shoved to a distant corner of their lives and never acknowledged. It was the knowledge that there’d been a time when Spike hadn’t loved her. It was something that could tear them asunder because it had been the one constant in their lives for almost fourteen years.

 

“No,” Buffy said. “I don’t want you to leave but I think it’s time that you took time for you.”

 

“I don’t need time for me,” Spike said, standing. He gathered the ripped wrapping paper up to throw it away. “My life is here with you and the kids. Besides the business…”

 

“Will be just fine without you and the kids and me will still be your life no matter where you are.”

 

“Well, thanks for the presents but I’m not going anywhere.”

 

Buffy watched as he threw the paper away, gathered the presents up and put them away in the closet. The door was closed with a decisive click indicating as far as Spike was concerned the discussion was finished. It wasn’t.

 

“Look, Spike, Jake has given you leeway to call the shots anyway you want to. Tell me that the idea of being out there in the middle of the fight doesn’t appeal to you.”

 

“I’m a family man now and don’t need to be getting myself in the middle of these battles.” Spike sighed and turned toward the stairs. “I’m going to go and clean up the kitchen.”

 

“Oh, no, this discussion is not over, Buster,” Buffy said, scrambling up to follow him down the stairs. She grabbed the nursery monitor before running down the stairs. “It’s not just the fighting. What about everything else?”

 

“Like what?”

 

Spike ran down the main stairs and into the hallway. His stride picked up as he headed for the kitchen.

 

“Like the fact that you’ve never grieved or dealt with what happened.”

 

“Dealing and dwelling on it is for Nancy boys like your ex.” Spike said. Apparently he decided that the kitchen was too confining and hurried out the back door. “It’s over. What else is there to say or do?”

 

“A lot,” Buffy said, jogging to keep up with him. “Can we at least talk about this?”

 

“No,” Spike said, turning to glance at her over his shoulder as he rounded the corner of the house. “There’s nothing to talk about. I’m needed here and just because you want to get rid of me for some reason…”

 

“Yeah, I want you to leave so I can have a wild on the table affair with the mailman, so would you mind going away,” Buffy said, bounding around the cars in the driveway to follow him through the front yard. “Or, hey, we could compromise and you could just disappear every day between 11 and 1 so we can do it.”

 

“Piss off, Buffy,” Spike bit out as climbed the front steps. “You’re starting a fight that I don’t want to have. Drop the subject.”

 

Spike hesitated briefly in the hallway as if he was trying to decide whether to go upstairs or head through the kitchen again. His slumped shoulders held the weight of the world on them. It had to be settled now before Buffy lost her nerve. If they didn’t finish this discussion she knew she’d never have the strength to do this again. With a sigh she took advantage of his distraction and tackled him. They landed in a heap on their imported Italian rug.

 

“Get the fuck off me, Slayer,” Spike snarled, rising to his hands and knees.

 

“Ride ‘em cowboy,” Buffy said, wrapping her arms and legs around him. She kissed the back of his neck and when he lay back down she knew he was giving in. “Hear me out Spike. That’s all I’m asking for. If you don’t want to go then don’t go. I’m just offering you choices.”

 

Buffy crawled off of him and knelt beside him. Spike refused to look at her as he rolled over and backed up to the wall. She mirrored his pose on the opposite wall.

 

“Say everything that you want to say so we can finish this,” Spike said, pinning her with a deadly glare.

 

“I know you,” Buffy said, refusing to back down. “Something died inside of you during…that time and you’ve never been able to revive it.”

 

“Am I not being good enough of a husband or father for you? Am I not providing enough or working hard enough? Am I not satisfying you?”

 

“This has nothing to do with the way you handle the business or parenthood, or being my husband,” Buffy paused, searching for the words to make him understand. “There’s a part of you…that is only yours. The poet, the dreamer, he’s gone and it’s like your soul is only going through the motions.”

 

“Who else thinks I’m not good enough?”

 

“No one has said anything,” Buffy said. She crawled over and straddled his lap. Her arms looped around his neck. “You’re everything you should be but there’s sadness inside of you that I can’t reach. It’s killing me to see you like this. It’s not weak of you to need time for you.” Her hands cupped his face, turning him to look at her. “You have the right to grieve for her, Spike. It’s not going to hurt me. You loved Drusilla for a hundred years and you’ve never shed a tear for her. You’ve never cried for what we lost and you’ve never released the anger over what happened to me. Or really screamed at me for what I did.” Her hand drifted to cover his chest over his heart. “It’s still there and it’s eating you up inside. You’ve lost the ability to dream or really relax. I love you. I always will and I’m just letting you know that if want to take some time for you that’s its all right. Just think about it, okay?”

 

Spike nodded and pulled her closer to him. “I’m still not going to go.”

 

“Fine, don’t go,” Buffy said. “Stay here and end up hating me.” She shrugged. “But we both know you want it and need it.”

 

“How come you’re so sure I want to go?”

 

“Because not once have you said I want to stay,” Buffy said, quietly. “It’s I shouldn’t go, I’m not going, but never once have you said, there’s no where else I want to be than where I am right now.”

 

His eyes closed in resignation as his body went lax beneath her. The world was out there waiting for him and it was only a matter of time before her husband left her. Love would be the only thing that would hold them together in the time to come. Fate had never wanted them together and always fought against them. Buffy pulled Spike to her and prayed that they were stronger than existence itself.

 

Chapter 2 – You Set Me Free

 Can’t you see?

There’s a feeling that’s come over me

Close my eyes

You’re the only one that leaves me completely breathless

No need to wonder why

Sometimes a gift like this you can’t deny

‘Cause I wanted to fly,

so you gave me your wings

And time held its breath so I could see, yeah

And you set me free

You’re in my heart

The only light that shines

There in the dark.

Michelle Branch

 

 

In the end it took Spike six weeks to leave.

Every day during that time was a war between his reality and the vague stirrings of his heart begging to be heard. Buffy, his stalwart companion, stood beside him and in front of him as they explained to their family that he was going to work with Jake. The reactions ran the gamut from dismay to anger and some to speculation if they were finally splitting up. To his amazement Raven was the most supportive of them all. She defended his decision as much as Buffy did.

One afternoon he listened to her as she talked to Dawn on the phone. His daughter’s quiet but determined argument for his leaving made him recognize for the first time his grief for the loss of his little girl. Raven had never been the same after the fight with the First. The decisions she had to make, the girls she’d watch die then had to help bury and the final battle in the pits of hell had forever matured her. She was a woman now and he missed the sarcastic bite of the girl.

If it hadn’t been for the love of his wife and eldest daughter Spike would never have gone. He made all the arrangements for his business dealings to be forwarded to Matrix, his will was brought up to date and he spent as much time with his children as possible. Elijah and Journey only knew that Daddy was going away and as far as he knew understood none of the implications. In his opinion, it was better that way.

This night, his final night at home, had been spent in the routine of family. And after the two youngest were asleep he’d packed his bag with clothes, the journal, a camera and some weapons. There had been a quiet talk with Raven and a long emotional phone call to Sean--his son was afraid of losing the only security he had. Their eldest, now in college and living away from home, came back as often as he could to be with the family. Sean still felt the uneasiness of the time when he thought no one cared and it took Spike over an hour to reassure him that his family was always going to be there. And to try and make sure he knew that his father wasn’t leaving Buffy but was going away to find answers to questions he didn’t even know he had.

It was 11:35 PM when he hung up the phone and five minutes later he was fucking his wife. All the previous nights had been filled with tender love making, feather light touches and quiet whispers of devotion. This last night though it was anything but. In the four hours they’d been having sex, they’d both been marked with scratches, bites and bruises. It was as if they thought they could place permanent marks on their partner.

And now at 3:41 AM Spike looked down at Buffy who was lying on the bed below him. He was holding her bottom up while her ankles were locked behind his neck. There was an almost ruthless punishment to the force of his thrusts into her body. Buffy panted and moaned as her hands wrapped around the bar that hung on the wall above their bed.

“What’s the matter, Slayer?” Spike asked, with a grin. “Am I wearing you out?”

“Never,” Buffy said, pulling herself up so that she was suspended in the air. Using her hands she pushed her body into his, met him thrust for thrust, never giving him the advantage.

Spike rocked on his knees when Buffy gained momentum and slammed into him. He spread his legs a little further to keep his balance.

“Can’t keep up vampire,” Buffy taunted, tightening her legs around his ears. “I can go easier on you if you’d like.”

“Quit the crap, pet, and shag me.”

She did. Spike fell forward, catching himself by his hands before landing on top of her as they both fell on the bed again. Buffy was bent almost double but it didn’t stop the motions of her hips as she wiggled against him, drawing his cock deeper within her. His hands covered hers on the bar and concentrated all of his energies on thrusting into his wife over and over. The bed rocked and creaked from their joining which was only growing in speed and force.

“Do you like this?” Buffy asked, her hands grabbing her ankles and spreading herself even further for him. “I’m at your mercy...open for you.” She grunted when he slid completely inside her, bouncing against her cervix. “Break me…fuck me…” She panted into his face as he rested his forehead against hers. “Always your girl…”

She was playing a dangerous game, pushing him to violence and by the time the name ‘Angel’ slid past her lips, Spike was already in game face. He pulled out of her, flipping her onto her stomach. Buffy rose to her knees, meeting him as he thrust easily back into her cunt.

“Bitch,” Spike snarled into her ear. He twisted her hair around his hand, pulling her head back. “Told you before this game isn’t welcome.”

Buffy laughed, pushing him further from his sanity. She rose back onto her knees and leaned back against him, letting her head drop to the side. “So, force me to your will…”

Spike loved the power she gave him. It roared through his blood even as he tore into her neck. Buffy had lost all inhibitions after that time three years ago and there was very little that they hadn’t tried. She could be a sex kitten needing adoration one night and the next she could drive him to his knees in submission. The first time she came to him wearing leather and bearing a paddle he’d laughed. Three minutes later, face down on the floor with the paddle being applied to his ass with full Slayer force, he’d known he’d finally met his match.

Mostly though they shared the ultimate sexual experience called making love. It was really only times like these when their emotions were overwhelming did they push the limits of their games. Spike knew that calling him ‘Angel’ was only a tactic to get him to play rougher. He didn’t disappoint her.

His fangs were as deep into the flesh of her neck as his cock was inside her cunt. Her hands were digging into his ass, forcing him further inside of her. They were both pushing the edge of their pleasure as they merged into one being. His hand slid along the drenched plane of her stomach to slip between her nether lips, pinching her clit. Buffy screamed her pleasure, and he bore her weight as she quaked against him.

“Come on, Baby, squeeze me…” Spike begged. “Milk your Daddy dry.”

They fell face forward on the bed with their asses in the air. Buffy pushed against him, using every muscle she had to bring him to his own orgasm. Spike came deep inside of her, staying until he had nothing left to give. He slipped out of her, slapped her bottom and fell onto his back next to her.

“Ouch, you can be such a pig,” Buffy panted, collapsing onto her side. She rubbed her cheek where he’d hit her. “It hurts.”

“That’s what you get for calling another man’s name in my bed.”

Spike glanced over her. He wasn’t worried and already knew what he would see before his eyes rested on her face. Tenderness and love shone from her eyes as she gazed at him. Her fingers drifted along his cheek before she cupped his face.

“Don’t know what your worried about,” Buffy said, squeezing his chin. “You’re the only one I want or can handle.”

“What about when I’m gone?”

It slipped out. They were both going to have to get used to going without sex again. It was an almost daily occurrence for them and it would be an adjustment not to have that release readily available. But it wasn’t just the physical sensations of coupling that would be missed; it was also an important way for them to communicate and he wondered how, when words failed them, they’d get their meaning across.

Spike watched as she crawled off the bed. With one hand on her hip she leaned against the dresser with the other hand. It was pure tease as she winked at him and tossed her hair back.

“Silly, already told you that I want to have an affair with the mailman.”

“Good god, pet,” Spike exclaimed, laughing at her suggestion. “The man has got to be sixty-five.”

Buffy pouted as she walked to the bathroom. She stopped in the doorway and looked over her shoulder at him. “But I’m used to having an old man in my bed,” she cooed before sashaying away.

“And for that,” Spike called, rolling off the bed and following her. “I think you need to be properly punished.”

He stepped into the bathroom intent on continuing their games. It all changed when he saw Buffy. She had just finished adjusting the water spray for the shower and was straightening up. Steam billowed around her giving her the illusion of stepping out of the mist. She was his Aphrodite, tempting him with the allure of her beauty. He watched her eyes fill with tears as she opened her arms to him.

“Make love to me this time,” Buffy asked, choking over her request. “I need you so much.”

Spike rushed to her. His arms wrapped around her, holding her, scooping her up until her back was against the tiled wall. This time there was no games, only their love as they revealed their hearts to each other. The water was icy cold by the time they forced themselves to pull apart and leave the bathroom. They dried each other off and fell asleep holding on to one another. Tight in her embrace, he dreamt of riding the open roads on his motorcycle with Buffy behind him.

~~~~~~~~~

 The morning sun peeking over the horizon was the only thing lending any brightness to the gathering in front of the Blood’s house. Spike was finishing strapping his pack to the bike while his wife, eldest daughter, and housekeeper kept vigil. All his other good-byes had been said the night before and these women were the last to bid him farewell as was par for the course. In the last few years they had become his strongest supporters and the ones that managed his life for him. A part of him quaked at the thought of being on his own again without their guidance but he understood that it needed to be done.

 A final tug to make sure everything was secure and it was time. Spike sighed and slowly turned toward the women. He held his arms out and Del was the first to come to him.

 “You be careful, Spike,” Del said. “I’ll take care of them for you.”

 “I know you will,” Spike replied, hugging her tighter. He kissed her temple before releasing her. “Call me if you think I’m needed.” He looked over her head to his wife. “Buffy will try to handle everything herself but…”

 “I promise, sir,” Del said, starting to cry. She hugged him quickly, waved her arms and turned toward the house.

 Raven came to him with a smile that showed her peaceful reconciliation to him leaving. It gave Spike the small extra boost of confidence he needed to see this through. It surprised him when her hands cupped his face. Her thumbs brushed against his cheeks as if she was wiping away the tears that rolled down hers.

 “Always remember we love you,” Raven told him solemnly. “And nothing is as it seems…so always hold onto what you know is the truth.”

 

He wasn’t sure what to make of her cryptic words but knew if she wanted him to know everything she’d tell him. So, for now he would take her words to heart, confidant that when the time came, he’d know exactly what she meant.

 “I know and I will,” Spike reassured her. “Call me even if you just want to talk, all right?”

 Raven’s nose wrinkled up and she giggled. “Sure, I’ll call you when I need a decision on which nail polish to buy.”

 “Just don’t forget me,” Spike said softly. It was so hard to leave them and still couldn’t believe he had agreed to this ludicrous plan.

 “Oh, Daddy, don’t ever think we would.”

 Her arms, sure and strong, wrapped around him as she burrowed her face into his shoulder. Spike pulled her closer, brushing his hand down the long red curls that fell along her back. This was the little girl who still needed the security that only her father could give her and he murmured his love to her. Raven nodded, rose on her toes, kissed the corner of his mouth and before he had a chance to say anything further she was gone.

 “I guess that leaves us,” Buffy murmured, taking her turn to stand in front of him.

 Spike stared down at the woman who had shared his life and bed for years now and had taken his heart long before that. The sadness that filled the emerald depths of her eyes tore at him. He wanted to scream why. Why would she send him away? But he knew there would be no answer. No other explanation then what he’d been given. Trust was all he could do. Buffy and Raven both saw this as needed and he would honor that.

 “It always comes back to us,” Spike said. His hand rested on the curve of her waist just above the hips that flared so temptingly. “Didn’t Max once say that everything else is built upon our relationship?”

 “The butterfly effect,” Buffy said. “One phone call so many years ago has blossomed into this.” She grinned as her hand waved behind her.

 “And this,” Spike asked. “Is my leaving going to change destiny?”

 “Everything does,” Buffy said, shaking her head. “Go, husband, find what you need to find and come back to me.”

 Come back to me.

 Words that were spoken by countless lovers since the beginning of time but for Spike it was one time and one place that those words were remembered. His mind whirled as the memory over took him.

~~~~~~~~

 December 21, 1916 New York City

 Despite the holiday bustle and cheer the city was still cloaked in gloom. The war had changed everything and everyone with the deaths that had touched so many families. Humans were trying so hard to be happy even with the ever increasing disappearance of their men. Women left behind to fend for themselves and families while their husbands and boyfriends laid down their lives for the good ole U.S.A.

 

It was only a few days before Christmas and everyone was caught up in the busyness of shopping and being happy. “Silly creatures,” Spike remembered thinking. Why didn’t anyone look twice at the apparently healthy young man that was beside them or following them? Didn’t they wonder why he moved among them instead of being sent off to die in a place where he couldn’t even speak the language?

No wonder it had been so easy to take what he wanted. He took a final swallow of his meal before dropping the boy onto the ground. His blood, hot and rich, had felt so good filling his stomach when it was so bitterly cold around him. He looked down to make sure everything was in place, wrapped his coat tighter around him before taking a final look at the young soldier at his feet. His prey had been one of the boys filling the train to take them off to basic training. The boy had been alone, no girlfriend or family seeing him off, and had been eager to make a friend. A few casual comments and it had been so easy. He hadn’t even fought back when the vampire struck.

Spike sighed, bored with it all, there wasn’t any challenge in taking someone eager to die. He stepped back onto the platform trying to decide what to do now. Drusilla had gone off to play with some vampires who liked to do the society scene. It reminded him too much of being with Angelus and that had been enough to turn him off of it. Instead, he sent his dark princess off to play while he remained.

His stomach full, he figured maybe he would head back to their hotel room and wait for her, but then he saw her. She was beautiful, one of the most exquisite creatures he’d ever seen. Her hair was a rich auburn that gleamed in the lights with porcelain skin that he ached to touch. He eased closer to where she was saying good-bye to her boyfriend? Lover? Husband? There were tears on both sides as he promised to come back to her. He watched as the man wiped her tears and kissed her sweetly and it was in that passionless kiss that Spike knew she had never been taken.

His cock stirred at the sight of the virgin beauty and knew he had to have her. A little patience was all it was going to take. He waited through their final goodbyes, her frantic hand waving as the train pulled away and waited while she wept with a few other women. Finally she moved to leave and he followed staying in the shadows, inhaling her perfume that wafted on the icy wind back to him. It stirred his desire even further. So, lost in her misery she didn’t notice him even up three flights of stairs to her apartment. Didn’t notice him until his hand covered hers as she went to unlock the apartment door. Her eyes had been huge as she backed away from him. Her voice desperate in the soft pleas to allow her to live not knowing it wasn’t her life he wanted.

“What are you willing to give to live?” Spike asked, backing her into the wall and leaning his body into hers. His fingertips grazed her skin that was even softer than he had imagined. She trembled under his touch, staring at him in repulsion and fascination.

“Anything, sir, my mother, she is asleep in the back bedroom. She depends on me to take care of her.”

“A little saint, aren’t you? Takes care of her mother, saves herself for marriage, probably work your little fingers to the bone to pay the bills, don’t you?”

“I do what I have to,” she’d replied.

“And do you ever do what you want?” Spike asked, rubbing his growing erection against her belly.

“Please, sir, I promised Jimmy that I would wait for him…”

“Wouldn’t Jimmy rather have you alive?”

Spike knew he had won when she invited him in. The first time he took her, she had cried, not letting him please her. By the next afternoon she was coming awake in his arms, allowing his seductive charm to win her over. Spike considered vamping her but, in the end decided to just enjoy her then set her free. He had gone out the next night to feed, leaving the woman to take care of her mother’s needs, but soon found himself hurrying back. She was an amusement that he didn’t often indulge in but his smile faded when he came through the front door and found Drusilla waiting for him.

“I’m bored here,” Drusilla told him. She licked her fingers. “There’s a train leaving for Hollywood at midnight. Let’s be on it.”

There was no one for Jimmy to come home to anymore and until now…

~~~~~~~

Spike hadn’t thought of that day again. He shook his head to dispel the unrest that it brought him.

“Don’t,” Buffy said, cupping his cheek with her hand. “We’ll be here when you come home.”

Of course she would know. Every memory he had and a lot of Drusilla’s, Buffy carried inside of her. He wrapped her tightly in his arms, wishing that things were different while he kissed her. He poured every bit of love he had into it before turning away without another word.

There wasn’t anything left to say. The words had all been spoken before, all the sentiments and tears shared, and now it was time for him to open the next chapter of his life. He never turned around to watch Buffy wave him good-bye.

Chapter 3 - Gethsemane

I only want to say,

If there is a way,

Take this cup away from me,

For I don’t want to taste its poison.

Feel it burn me

I have changed.

I’m not as sure, as when we started.

Then, I was inspired.

Now, I’m sad and tired.

Listen, surely I’ve exceeded expectations

Could you ask as much from any other man?


lyrics from Jesus Christ Superstar

 

Raven leaned against the window frame and stared down at her parents saying good-bye. She hated lying to them but if it was one thing she learned when fighting the First was how to make the tough decisions. Not confiding what she knew was one of the hardest things she had ever done but there was too much riding on their future to take a chance. She sighed as she watched her parents kiss. There was such desperation and love in that one gesture between them and it made her ache for what the future was going to bring to them.

“Is Daddy gone?” Elijah asked. His voice was filled with sleepy innocence. Somehow in those first moments of the day he could maintain the illusion that he was the same as any other boy his age.

“He’s leaving now,” Raven said, turning to look at her brother still in his bed. Her words were punctuated by the sound of the motorcycle roaring out of the driveway.

“Will he come back?”

“Yes, Eli,” Raven said. “You have to believe.”

“I try to, Raven,” Elijah whispered.

Raven knew in the momentary silence that followed her brother was trying to find his faith in their parents again. She sighed and let her fingertips trace a make believe snowflake on the window. There was nothing to do but wait. Elijah would speak again once he formed his next question. She had been his confidante for too long not to understand the patterns that made up the boundaries of his existence. The boundaries that kept the small boy still sane in the aftermath of the horrors he had been witness to in his short life.

“Mommy said…”

“That wasn’t Mommy,” Raven protested vehemently as she turned from the window to face Elijah. “Don’t ever call that monster Mommy.”

The Slayer saw the pain that her words caused as they found their mark. She shook her head but refused to comfort the small boy huddled in his bed. Although, they had been over this countless times, Elijah, who had seen his Mummy taken over by a vampire, still couldn’t grasp what the First had done to him. The ancient evil had manifested itself as their natural mother to Elijah in hopes of separating him from his family. The child’s incredible abilities were too much of a temptation to be ignored by the evil. Thankfully, Elijah had smelt the malevolence of its being and had run away. But to him, it was his Mommy and she had only been possessed by something evil. Just like Buffy had been with Drusilla.

“It said that he would leave us for good,” Elijah said. “This time it would be stronger than him.”

“Do you remember the rest of what was written on the wall?” Raven asked, softening as she reminded him what the First had shown him carved on the gate into hell. The fear in his eyes was too much and she moved to sit on the bed next to him. “What the prophecy said?”

Elijah nodded.

“This is the third temptation. The last one Daddy has to face. The First was grasping at straws,” Raven said, her hand caressing her brother’s arm. “Mummy and Daddy’s love is too strong. They will pass through this like they did before.”

“I want Daddy home,” Journey said, from the door. Despite the irritation at being interrupted, the sight of her sister dressed in her fuzzy yellow blanket sleeper made Raven grin. Journey, clutching her pink teddy bear, stared sleepily at her siblings. The toy had been a present from their father on her third birthday and she never went to bed without it. Raven opened her arms, hugging Journey tight against her when her sister flew into her arms.

“He’ll be back,” Raven assured her. “Get in bed with Elijah until we get breakfast ready.”

“No, I want, Mummy.” Journey demanded, struggling to free herself from Raven’s embrace.

“Shush, Joy,” Elijah said, running his small hand along his sister’s back. “Come sleep with me.”

Journey’s lower lip trembled as she looked back and forth from one sibling to the other. Finally she climbed from her sister’s arms to crawl in beside Elijah. Raven tucked the blanket around them both.

“Where Daddy go?” Journey asked, before sticking her thumb in her mouth.

“He’s in LA,” Raven explained. “Where Angel is.”

“My Angel,” Journey giggled, pulling her thumb out of her mouth only long enough to make a claim to the vampire. Since the first day she had been placed in Angel’s arms, Journey had been infatuated. Although she was a Daddy’s girl, it never failed that when she was sick or unhappy it was their Father’s Grandsire she wanted.

“Yeah, your Angel is going to think you’re ugly with buck teeth if you keep sucking your thumb,” Raven said.

“Bulltit,” Journey said, giggling more and ducking under the cover.

Raven laughed and tickled the tiny mound under the covers. Journey’s laughter shrieked out around them making even the usually solemn Elijah laugh. It was these moments that the teenager lived for; moments when the evil that hummed around their family seemed to be completely banished by their love.

“Mummy will tan your hide for saying that,” Raven warned, then turned and shook a finger at Elijah. “And your hide for teaching it to her.”

“It wasn’t me,” Elijah protested. “It was Aidan.”

“Yeah, yeah, I don’t believe you,” Raven smiled. “Is Giles still coming today to tutor you?”

Elijah nodded. Somehow he was already forgetting that other boys go to school. Buffy and Spike had tried to keep Eli in mainstream school but it was impossible. Although Tara’s tutelage taught him how to control his ever-increasing powers, teaching him to tune out the emotions of the people around him, last year’s incident had forced them to pull him out of school. He’d been shaken from deep concentration by another child and Elijah unconsciously unleashed his power, shattering the wall of windows in the back of his classroom. For everyone’s safety, he was now home-schooled with Willow and Giles sharing the responsibility for his education.

“Well, maybe we can go out after he comes over,” Raven told them. “Go down to the beach for the afternoon or something.” After receiving enthusiastic agreements from them, Raven said she was heading downstairs to see how their mother was doing.

“She needs to cry,” Elijah said, patting Raven’s hand.

~~~~~~~~

 Elijah was right.

 Buffy was busy whisking together an egg mixture for French toast when Raven walked into the kitchen. The unspoken tension was pulsating in the air, dancing between the women who were preparing the family’s meal. Del glanced up and shrugged. It was a signal to tell her that Buffy had shut down. She had gone into Slayer mode but instead of slaying demons she was throwing herself into chores.

 “Raven, why don’t you set the table,” Buffy said, looking up at her with the look that had been dubbed her ‘general stare’ by the Potentials.

 “Why don’t you talk to us?” Raven asked, but her feet dutifully took her to the cabinets. As she gathered the dishes—mindful that they needed one less setting-- she watched her mother take the mixture to where Del was heating the griddle.

 “There is nothing to talk about,” Buffy finally said. It was a lie. She went to the refrigerator, pulling out oranges, before straightening up to look back at Raven. It was there in her eyes. How painful it had been to send her husband away again. The fear that this time there would be something or someone he wanted more than her. “Oh, God, what have I done?”

 It was the same cry she had made when she had sent Spike to Donna. Her face crumpled under the weight of her guilt and pain. Raven rushed across the room to envelope her mother in a hug. Del pulled the fruit from Buffy’s hands and turned away to continue making breakfast. Raven knew she would be there if she was needed.

“Mummy, it’ll be all right. You knew what you had to do and you did it, just like you always have.”

“I’m tired, Raven, so tired,” Buffy cried, burying her face in the crook of Raven’s neck. “All I want is to love him and be here for you all. How much more do we have to give up until we’re left alone?”

“I don’t know, Mum,” Raven lied. “I don’t know. He won’t let us down. He hasn’t yet has he?”

Buffy shook her head and pulled away. Her hands wiped at her face brushing the tears away. “No, he hasn’t.” She sighed. “I miss him already. He’s supposed to be here. Making fun of me trying to help cook, to help get Eli and Journey ready for the day,” She stopped and laughed as Candy looked up at her, “Yeah, and to get the damn dog out of here before he makes a snack out of it.”

Raven and Delores laughed. It was what they came to expect out of Spike. It was part of the morning ritual and starting that day there was a gaping hole in their lives.

~~~~~~~

 The building was nondescript. So, nondescript in fact, that Spike passed by it the first time. He had met Jake, worked with Jake but had never been to the building where Matrix Returns was housed. It was a flat, brown, ugly thing with bars over the windows. Nothing attractive at all to passersby to make them want to venture in or curious enough to find out what was going on inside. And that was exactly how Jake Monahan wanted it to be. He had also chosen to establish his business in a part of Los Angeles that the faint of heart wouldn’t venture. His neighbors were a few strip clubs, an adult book store, a bondsman and some boarded up buildings heavily decorated by graffiti.

 Spike made a mental note to make sure that Buffy never came to meet him here. Slayer skills be damned. She was his wife and he didn’t want her amidst all this ugliness. He parked the motorcycle near the door, grabbed his bags off the back and turned on the security device. The Heritage Softail Classic Harley Davidson in vivid black had been an anniversary present from Buffy the year before. He had fallen in love with it instantly and he would be beyond pissed if something happened to it.

 The door opened and he stepped into an amorphous reception area. He sighed at the plainness of it and wondered how much time he would actually have to spend here. It was repulsive and held nothing of the comforts of home. After a quick glance at his watch, he knew that Buffy and them were probably sitting around the kitchen table eating breakfast. He wasn’t too much of a man that he couldn’t admit that he was already homesick.

 “Hey, who’s there?” A voice called out from the back. “Whoever you are, come on back, don’t have a receptionist.”

 “It’s Spike,” he called out as he headed through the door for the office area. He found himself in a big open area with four desks along the walls. There was a door on the left hand side and another hallway toward the back. It was as dismal as the rest of the place. Fading posters on the wall and over one desk was a nude Miss January gracing a calendar. Too bad it was March.

 “Hi there,” Jake called walking out of the office on the left. “Welcome. Put your stuff down over there.” He waved toward an empty desk on Spike’s right, waiting till the backpack and overnight bag were put down. “Let me introduce you to everyone.” He put his arm on Spike’s back pulling him deeper into the office. “This is Bob, been with me since the beginning. If you need help with the underbelly life in LA he’s the one to ask.”

 “Hey,” Spike said, nodding his head in greeting. Bob was around fifty with long gray hair and beard. His arms reminded Spike of tree trunks they were so thick and corded with muscles. Nothing was small about the man wearing a bike week t-shirt and faded jeans.

 “Now over here,” Jake directed him in the other direction. “This is Ted. His specialty is guns and sweet talking the ladies.”

 “Hi there,” Spike said, taking the proffered hand that was thrust his way. Ted seemed to be more of an amiable guy with a craggy but handsome face that was only accentuated by the crisp white dress shirt he wore.

 “Hey, glad you’re joining us,” Ted said, smiling. “We could use the help.”

 “No problem,” Spike said, feeling a little better about being in LA.

 “And now,” Jake said. “It’s time for you to meet your partner. Dylan’s a good guy bit of an ass though. Still young and needs to get it beaten out of him probably.” He turned toward the hallway and yelled, “Hey, Dylan, get out here.”

 Spike leaned back against Ted’s desk and crossed his arms. He hoped the outer veneer of arrogance covered for the nervous thrumming inside him. This wasn’t the time to show any weakness.

 “What? I’m supposed to move it because you’re fancy, spoiled rich boy has arrived,” a voice echoed down the hall. “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me. I need a real partner, not some old man that will be running for his wife’s arms by the end of his first week.”

 Spike could feel the anger building in him at the insults that were about him. He stood to face whoever was behind the voice that kept getting closer. Finally someone stepped out of the dim recesses of the hall. Spike looked up and swallowed. Standing in the doorway was the one of the most beautiful men he had ever seen.

 Chapter 4 – Mercy

t’s gonna be alright

It’s gonna be okay

Just hold on tight

Let it all go away

Mercy baby

What do you want from me?

Mercy, mercy baby

Melissa Etheridge

The house was dark and cool despite the heat radiating from the beach outside. It always seemed that way these days. Spike put his bags down in the vestibule until later. Right now he wanted a warm mug of blood and a few moments to clear his head. He headed for the kitchen, realizing he wasn’t alone when he heard soft sounds echoing through the mausoleum of a room. Nobody really cooked in this house and only found their way there for drinks and snacks.

He already knew who was there before he saw. The stench that clung to her made his stomach recoil in repulsion. It wasn’t something that any human could smell. It was the vampire recognizing that there was something wrong with this human. A signal to tell him to move to healthier prey like the smell that came from meat left too long outside. His love for her made him continue into the room.

In the few short weeks since he had seen her, she had lost more weight. Her body had thinned to the point of emaciation. A bandana covered her head to hide the bareness of a scalp that once wore a crown of lush locks. So lost, she didn’t even hear him until he cleared his throat. Startled she looked up from the cup of tea she was stirring. The woman she once was still shone in the depths of her eyes, the beauty, the love and the spirit that was Cordelia Chase.

Spike wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close to him.

“Hello, beautiful,” he whispered as he buried his face in her neck. “Did ya miss me?”

“Always.”

They clung to each other as survivors and friends do. Cordelia had survived all that the supernatural world could throw her way and was now falling victim to something so common it made everyone wonder about justice. The first lump had been found a little over two years ago in a reconciliation attempt with Angel. His hands, knowing her body so well, felt it in the curve of her breast. The doctors kept trying to cut it from her but somehow it slipped past every attempt.

“I’ve missed you, too,” Spike whispered, kissing the sensitive skin below her neck.

“Quit being all maudlin,” Cordelia said, with a small laugh. “The one tit woman still lives to see another day.”

Laughing, Spike stepped back and directed his gaze to her chest. “I see two tits and well,” he squeezed one lightly. “Feel…”

She slapped his hand away before he could touch the real one.

“You are a sick bastard,” Cordelia said, between giggles. “Getting off on playing with my fake boobie.”

“And if you don’t quit hitting on my wife,” Angel said, his voice made them turn toward the door. “I’m going to have to break your neck.”

“Oh, please,” Spike said, laughing as he leaned back against the counter. “With this weird ‘I have to take care of Angel’ spell you have on her, she’d never be smart enough to run off with me.”

“That’s because you’re a moron,” Angel said, reaching his wife and leaning down to kiss her cheek. “And everyone knows that your wife’s only with you out of pity.”

“And because I’m the best lover she’s ever had.”

“Someone get a shovel please,” Cordelia said, leaning into her husband’s embrace. “The bullshit is rising.”

It was good to be there. Spike watched the tenderness Angel gave to Cordelia as he held her and asked if there was anything she needed. He blinked and looked away from the intensity of the gaze they gave each other. It was just too bad they had lost almost of year of time when Angel was being an ass about forgiving her. The discovery of the lump had his grand-sire calling them in the middle of the night crying. Angel hadn’t left Cordelia after that. He was devoted to be with her every second that he could and nothing was spared to make sure she was taken care of.

“So, how was your first day at Matrix?” Angel asked.

“It was okay except for the asshole Jake partnered me with,” Spike said, still shaking his head over Dylan.

“Okay, cue Cordelia to leave the men alone for a talk.” She picked up her teacup and headed for the door. “I’m going to take a nap. Call me for dinner, okay?”

They agreed and watched her leave. She probably wouldn’t eat dinner but she wanted to be with Angel as much she could. A few days earlier she had announced she was done fighting the disease that was rampaging through her body. This round of chemotherapy would be her last. She said she wanted to enjoy the few days she was alive instead of being sick. Angel had thrown a fit but it hadn’t changed her mind. Cordelia was determined and had just said, “Everything must be balanced. Gifts have been given and a price has to be paid for it. I’m the price.”

~~~~~~~

 Buffy was washing the lunch dishes while Del was upstairs with her children. The older woman enjoyed reading to the youngest members of the house and it gave their mother time to putter around the house. Over the years she had learned there was a comfort in doing mundane chores. The world couldn’t revolve unless they were done and it gave a satisfaction that she had helped to restore order in some ways.

 These days Buffy was rarely in the Slayer field. Between Raven and all the new Slayers that had been created in the fight with the First, she wasn’t really needed and that was fine by her. Her life was here in this house now. She was Spike’s wife, mother to four, dog owner and a member of the board of Aurelius Enterprises. She wasn’t really sure who Buffy was other than that but unlike Spike she was okay with it. For half her life, Buffy had been put on the back burner, so at this point it wasn’t a big issue for her.

The only time she ever felt a connection to the girl she’d once been was once a month, maybe twice if she was lucky, she’d go riding with Essie. The two had stayed in contact and when she could Buffy would drive up to see her. They’d spend the day on horses following trails through the mountains around the Brandon Clinic. It created a peaceful oasis in the lives of both women. The talks they’d share hidden away from the real world left them with strong binds of friendship.

Life was pretty good as far as Buffy was concerned. It could be worse and it could be better so she took the middle in stride. There was always something evil hovering around them so anytime it wasn’t launching a full out attack, she was happy. It was the only way to survive.

Car doors sounded in the driveway and Buffy peeked out the kitchen window. Their weekend guests were here. A few hours early but she knew how persuasive they could be. Giggles broke through the silence as she watched, Rona, Molly and Amanda rush toward the back door. It opened without them knocking but it was home to them. They had lived here for months during the fight along with dozens of others but these three had bonded with Raven. So, unlike many of the others they returned when they had a chance.

 

“Mrs. B,” Amanda said, rushing forward to hug Buffy. “We’re here.”

“So, I see,” Buffy said, smiling as she hugged the girl back. Molly was next while Rona hung back. It was okay. Buffy and Rona had differences that still hadn’t been fully resolved but it hadn’t stopped the friendship between the teenagers. “Raven’s in her room. Go on up.”

They hurried out in giggles and talks about their weekend plans. Thankfully, she wouldn’t have to deal with them alone and Buffy turned as their ‘den mother’ came through the door, carrying all their bags.

“God damn it, B,” Faith exclaimed. “How the hell did I get this job? Me? Being a fucking guardian to a bunch of…”

“You’s,” Buffy smiled at the other woman knowing that secretly Faith adored her charges.

The dark slayer’s return had been something that hadn’t been anticipated. It had been close to the final battle and everyone was exhausted, physically and emotionally. The children and Anya had been sent to LA to stay with Angel and the gang. They were to be the second line of defense if Buffy and her group failed. The safe house had become their headquarters. It had been the middle of the night when a small quake had shaken the ground and a flash of light had brought everyone running. What they found had been a seriously pissed off, nude Faith standing in the middle of the floor. The Powers had returned her to help defeat the evil that had slowly been picking off the dozens of potentials. With Faith’s help they had won with only a few causalities among them. Afterwards, they’d been afraid that Faith would have to return to heaven but she was still with them.

With dozens of new slayers to deal with, the family had decided to open a boarding school to educate and train them. The Hyperion was now the Hyperion Private School for Girls. Faith had accepted a position as dorm mother to the older girls and physical education instructor aide while she earned her degree. Willow and Tara taught seminars on witchcraft and the mystics, while Max taught operatives and weapons full time. Giles and Kate now lived in Los Angeles so that he could serve as headmaster while Kate headed the clinic for the students. Carefully screened applicants from a pool of Guardians and remaining Watchers filled the other needed positions.

Buffy was returned to the present when Faith dropped the overnight cases in a pile by the door.

“Please tell me that you have something stronger than tea to drink,” Faith begged, heading for the refrigerator. She smiled when she saw the six-pack sitting on the shelf. “Thank you, Buffy.”

“Isn’t it a little early?”

“No, mother,” Faith groused as she plopped down at the table and put her feet up on another chair. “You try dealing with three teenage girls giggling all the way from LA and then tell me it’s too early.”

“You were probably giggling and gossiping as much as they were,” Buffy said, grabbing her water and sitting across from her friend. “No problems?”

“We’re fine, mama.”

The kitchen door swung open as Del returned. “Your two youngest have been kidnapped by the hormone squad. So, unless you need something else from me…”

Since the house was going to be full, Del had requested the weekend off so she could spend time with the rest of the Chickies on a planned trip to Santa Barbara for an art festival.

“No, we’re fine,” Buffy said, capturing the woman’s hand and kissing the back of it. “You go ahead and have fun.”

“Um, is there any…?” Faith started to ask, looking around the kitchen hopefully but Del knowing what she wanted, laughed.

“Yes, there are cookies. Buffy knows where the private stash is hidden for the two of you.”

“Thank you,” Faith gushed, smiling up at her. “Your cookies are the only reason I come up here.”

“Thanks, bitch,” Buffy joked.

“Play nice and remember to take care of the kids and the dog,” Del instructed as if they weren’t any older than the teenagers upstairs.

“Yes, ma’am,” both Slayers said as Del gathered up her things and, with a final wave, disappeared through the door.

As the door closed behind the older woman, all levity disappeared from Buffy’s face and she faced her friend, all business. “So,” Buffy said, leaning forward on the table. “Did you finally sleep with Max after your date last night?”

~~~~~~~~

 it was always this way. It had been when they were vampires terrorizing the world and since they had formed a friendship. The whiskey bottle sitting between them, a glass in each of their hands and their feet pointed toward the fireplace. Neither in a hurry to start the conversation that was waiting as they sat in twin leather chairs staring into the flames.

 Angel’s study was the one of the few rooms in the house that didn’t have a view of the ocean. It was Cordelia’s house and when Angel had moved in with her he never requested changes except to this one room. The acquisition of Wolfram & Hart had given Angel access to the necro-tempered glass that would allow him to live in a house that was made for sunlight. Cordelia had been ecstatic that she didn’t have to leave her beloved home to be with her husband. So, giving him one room to turn into his was an easy gift.

 The décor was unlike the rest of the house that was decorated in bright colors. This room was dark and filled with heavy cherry wood and black leather furniture. The crowning touch and focal point of the room was the portrait that hung over the fireplace. It was a life size oil painting of Cordelia in a strapless red velvet dress, red satin evening gloves with her hair tumbling down her back in curls.

 Spike’s eyes flickered to the portrait then to Angel who was staring at it.

 “How long?”

 “Anywhere from now to a year,” Angel said, rubbing fingers along his brow. “It all depends on her will to live.”

 Spike nodded. There really wasn’t anything to say that wouldn’t sound trite or condescending. He took another sip of his whiskey and tried to work up the courage to tell Angel everything. He was the only one who could understand.

 “So, tell me about this partner of yours.” 

“He’s an asshole,” Spike said, taking another sip of the liquid fire before continuing. “Even before he saw me he was bitching about me, calling me old and weak.” He leaned forward so that there was no temptation to look into eyes that knew too much. “I’m tired, Angel. Buffy was right. There doesn’t seem to be much in me anymore. It’s all in the routine. I bore myself and I wonder why Buffy kept me around as long as she did.” He gave a self-deprecating laugh. “Then some pipsqueak kid that reminds me of who I used to be, comes along and can read me better than I can.”

 “That’s bullshit,” Angel said. “That kid knows nothing about who you are and what you’re capable of. And he’s stupid if he doesn’t even give you a chance.”

 “Thanks,” Spike said, putting his glass on the floor between his feet. “But I’m not even sure that I can do this so why should anyone else believe it?”

 “Buffy knows and I do,” Angel said. “And so does anyone else who really knows you and have watched you change.”

 “And the hell with everyone else, right?”

 “Something like that.”

 Spike wiped the back of his hand across his eyes. His body ached from the bewilderment that he felt concerning his life. The dissatisfaction was becoming more prominent the longer he was away from home. The distractions of the daily routine weren’t there to keep his mind busy and away from the truth. This wasn’t where he ever thought he would end up. His family wasn’t in question. It was just something that he had missed somewhere along the way. He just didn’t know what it was. He was also tired of trying to figure everything out. He wanted to forget about everything for a little while. He turned to Angel, “So, you wanna go to Vegas?”

Chapter 5 – Viva Las Vegas

 I’m gonna keep on the run

I’m gonna have me some fun

If it costs me my very last dime

If I wind up broke up well

I’ll always remember that I had a swingin’ time

I’m gonna give it everything I’ve got

Lady Luck please let the dice stay hot

Let me shout a seven with every shot

Viva Las Vegas

Elvis Presley

 

 

 

It all faded away as Spike concentrated everything he had into the seduction. His stroke along the smooth arm was feather light. His voice was a low growl as he tried to coax her into giving him what he wanted.

 

“Come on, baby, be good for Daddy,” Spike yanked the arm down and waited. The numbers rolled madly, and then stopped one by one. It wasn’t a win and he sighed in frustration as he continued to stare at the slot machine. No matter how hard he tried he just wasn’t winning tonight. Maybe it was because his lucky charm wasn’t there. He shrugged and slid another token into the machine. This time a few tokens were offered up to him but he suspected it was just a pity win.

“Your drink, sir,” a young blonde waitress said behind him.

Spike reached over absently and took the glass from the tray. He threw a bill on her tray as extra because he knew his tab was being taken care of. It should be. Aurelius Enterprises owned a large share of the casino and the remaining share of it belonged to Lorne. It was a partnership that served them well. There was a good feeling in helping your friends achieve their dreams. Xander had Harris Construction, The Magic Box was now a chain which Anya ran and Tara’s school was in a new home with more classes and teachers. No one was handed anything. They all worked hard to keep it all running while maintaining their friendships and families plus trying to keep the world free from evil.

The waitress smiled and thanked him before scurrying away. He gulped the whiskey down then set the glass on top of his chosen source of frustration. A few tokens later and he was ready to give up trying to win. He shrugged, rolled his head and looked around for his friends. They weren’t in sight and he took off to find them. He figured Angel was with Lorne somewhere, probably talking money, and Max and Wesley were off playing their game of choice.

Deciding to find Angel first, Spike headed back toward the offices. It was a labyrinth once he got into the employee only section of the casino. People were hurrying about as they performed the necessary tasks to keep the place running. A few he knew and they nodded to him but most were strangers. A few more people he didn’t know, probably would never know but had almost certainly saved their lives in one of the battles he had fought.

Curiosity made him look again as he passed the waitress that had served him downstairs. He wondered who she really was, if she was in love or alone, did she believe in heaven and hell, or demons. What were her dreams? Did she like what she did for a living or was this just a stepping stone to something else? She smiled at him as they passed. No interest in her grey eyes just a friendly return to his open stare.

“Hi,” Spike said, turning around to look at her again. She turned slightly, still smiling and waited. He glanced at her tag to find out what her name was. “Lisa, I’m sorry. I just wanted to say…well, I mean…thanks for getting the drink for me.”

“Its okay, Mr. Blood, just doing my job.”

“Do you like doing your job?”

Spike was really beginning to wonder what the hell he was doing. The trace of fear that filtered in her eyes made him go back over his words. “No, don’t. I guess I was just finding out if you liked it or whatever…” He sighed.

She giggled.

Yeah, I like my job,” Lisa said. “Mr. Lorne is totally cool to work for. They schedule my hours around my classes.”

“You in college?”

“Yeah, I am. I’m taking hotel management courses.”

 

“Does Lorne know? He’d probably help you out some.”

Okay, now he knew he was in over his head. Lorne would probably chop his head off for this and a few other vital things that Buffy would miss.

“No,” Lisa answered. “I don’t ever talk to Mr. Lorne directly but my supervisor knows.”

“Are they giving you any direction or anything?”

Lisa shrugged. “Not overly but its cool. I’m just happy to be working here.” She glanced down at her watch. “I need to get going. My break is over with.”

Spike nodded, watched her as she walked down the hallway then turned to go into Lorne’s office. It was as he figured. Angel was sitting with his feet up on Lorne’s desk while the two friends talked. He didn’t interrupt but headed to the marble and steel bar in the corner to pour a drink. His earlier buzz was fading and he decided he wanted it back. There was a lull in the conversation as Spike made himself comfortable in the chair next to his grand-sire.

“Do we have some kind of in-house training program?” Spike asked.

Lorne did a double take and stared at him for a second. “Yes, but why do you ask?”

“One of your servers is in college for hotel management but she doesn’t seem to be getting any encouragement on our end.”

“Who?” Lorne asked.

“Lisa, she’s working down on the floor.”

Lorne turned and directed a remote toward the wall of monitors behind him. He flipped one channel until the screen was on the casino floor. A couple more camera switches and they located Lisa serving drinks to an older couple.

“She’s a sweet girl,” Spike said.

“Yeah, I just bet that’s what you noticed about her,” Angel snickered, surveying the pretty blonde.

“It’s not that,” Spike said, defensively. He almost felt like blushing under his grand-sire’s gaze. “I was just trying to take an interest in the people around me. That’s all.”

Angel didn’t say anything else to Spike’s relief. He still wasn’t sure why he had taken the time to talk to the girl. It was just part of the changes he was going through. Buffy had said that he had shut down in so many ways, living by rote instead of enthusiasm. He considered himself boring. The trip to Vegas hadn’t proved anything in regards to making him more interesting but he figured it wasn’t a complete bust if he could help someone. Maybe by taking an interest in the people and things around him, he might find what he was looking for.

“Look, I’ll talk to her supervisor and see what the cupcake’s interests are,” Lorne said, jotting down a note. “Will that take care of it for you?”

“Yeah,” Spike said. “I’d appreciate it.”

“You about ready to go?” Angel asked as he stood and looked down at him. “I don’t like being gone from Cordelia too long.”

“Sure, let’s go,” Spike said, offering an understanding smile. “I think it’s time.”

It was time to go. He hadn’t found what he was looking for. It wasn’t the same anymore. He wasn’t a demon, he wasn’t single, and he couldn’t just take what he wanted. Sometimes he felt he was asleep inside. He sighed as they made their way through the casino to find Max and Wesley. Their friends were easy to pry from the tables since they’d come along to keep him company. Probably to keep an eye on him, too, to make sure he didn’t go off and do something he shouldn’t. It made him wonder if anyone was ever going to fully trust him not to hurt Buffy again.

~~~~~~~~

 Spike sat in the backseat of the convertible with Max. Angel was driving with Wesley in the passenger seat. The others were making idle conversation that he only half listened to. His eyes were fixed on the desert terrain they were passing through but his mind was reliving another time. Memories of almost a year and a half ago when Buffy and he were traveling along this same stretch of highway...

 it was that calm, the lull, before the next major attack of evil disrupted their lives. Aurelius Enterprises had just acquired The Lucky Ace hotel and casino into their stable of businesses. Since Buffy had never been to Sin City, Spike took the opportunity for them to get away together. He had even borrowed a Porsche Boxster from the Wolfram & Hart garage so they would feel a little freer. And, yeah, to impress the girl.

Buffy’s enthusiasm for going somewhere new had even pulled him from his blasé attitude of returning to a place he’d been several times. They had a spectacular view of the Strip from their penthouse suite which had left his wife in awe. Because of Slayer duties, she had never gotten the opportunity to see new places and he could remember laughing along with her as she absorbed every detail.

Even the fruit basket left for them had Buffy excited. Squealing she had sat in the middle of the bed and pulled it apart to see what was in it.

“What’s this?” Buffy asked, holding up a passion fruit.

He had told her what it was. He looked away but turned back to her when she burst out in a fit of giggles. Bright red juice was running down her chin, dripping down onto her chest to disappear into the valley between her breasts. She didn’t even wipe it off. Knowing what it was doing to him, she took another bite deliberately letting the sticky substance dribble onto her. Unable to control his overwhelming need for her, he pushed her down onto the white comforter, licking the sweetness from her flesh and pulling the small, pink, summer dress from her body. For a long time Buffy was splayed naked before him, covered in fruit. He wasn’t satisfied until he had tasted them all mixed with her own musky flavor. Never before and not since then, had it been as innocently playful; lying with the sun shining over their raw need for each other and the laughter they shared.

Hours later they walked hand in hand through the casino. She was sultry ingenuousness beside him. Her hair, red at the time, swayed loosely just above her shoulders. The white dress with spaghetti straps that she wore clung to every tanned, muscular curve. Her nipples pebbled from the friction between her bare breasts and the material of her dress cast a dusky shadow under her bodice. It left him the envy of every man they passed as they stared hungrily at a woman they could never dream of possessing. Buffy never noticed the attention leaving him once again amazed that this beauty chose him.

She was vibrating with unconcealed excitement as she glanced over the tables but then her eyes lit up when she saw the slot machines.

“Spike, show me how to play, please,” Buffy pleaded, bouncing as she turned her grinning face up to him.

Indulging her, he placed her between him and the machine. He handed her a token, explaining her chances and what she needed to win. The first few were a bust that caused her to pout. She turned and gave him the token.

“You do it,” Buffy said. “I’m not any good.”

He didn’t take the time to explain it had nothing to do with skill. It was an excuse to wrap his arm around her and pull her back against him. She was quivering, her hands clasped in prayer mode, as he inserted the token. He went to pull the arm down and she pressed her bottom into his groin. They won. Not a lot but a few more tokens to keep them going. They ended up winning almost $5,000 dollars over the night. Later in the Jacuzzi tub in their suite, Buffy insisted her ass was his lucky charm. He hadn’t argued.

~~~~~~~

 “Did you have fun?” Wesley asked, looking over his shoulder.

 “Not really,” Spike said, shifting in the seat and pulling his jeans down some. The memories of their time together made his cock throb in need for his wife. “Hey, Angel, can we stop by Sunnydale?”

 “Why?” Max asked.

 “So, I can get laid,” Spike said, grinning. When the other man rolled his eyes, Spike punched him in the shoulder. “You shouldn’t object. Faith is there.”

 “Yeah, like that would do me any good,” Max said. “She’s being all…virginal with me. No Max, don’t do that Max, wait a little longer, Max.”

 “Maybe you don’t turn her on,” Angel said, casually. “You’ve been sniffing at her heels for almost a year with no results. I’d give it up if I was you.”

 “Hey, not to change the subject but I need sex,” Spike said again.

 “How long has it been?” Wesley asked dryly as he shifted in his seat to look back at Spike.

 “Almost twenty-four hours,” Spike said, leaning forward. “Come on. It won’t take me long.”

 “I’m sure Buffy will be thrilled for you to come home for that,” Max said.

 “She won’t care,” Spike insisted, looking over at Max in mock innocence. “She’s probably itchy too.”

 “You really shouldn’t talk about her like that,” Angel said.

 “Oh, and when did you become Mr. know it all when it comes to the women,” Max said, sarcastically. He turned to look out the window, dismissing everyone with his actions.

 Spike sighed and slumped back in the seat accepting that he wasn’t going to get home that night. He glanced between his grand-sire and his friend as the tension became noticeable between them. The subject of Faith was just one more disagreement between the two men who had never really made peace. Their relationship had gotten only more difficult with the arrival of the brunette Slayer in their midst again. Angel was protective of her while Max pursued her. Faith didn’t make it any easier as she seemingly played them against each other. Sometimes Spike wondered if Faith was just keeping Max around for the attention until she could lay claim to Angel after Cordelia’s death. He hoped it wasn’t so for all their sakes because it would cause a rift that he didn’t think could ever be mended.

 

~~~~~~~

 

After stripping off everything but his pants, Spike made his way out to sit on the balcony. He reclined back into a chair and dialed the number for home.

“Hewo,” Journey whispered into the phone.

“Joy, its Daddy. Where’s your mother?”

Spike glanced down at his watch but he already knew how late it was. They had returned from Las Vegas less than an hour ago.

“Uh-oh, she’s coming,” Journey said, letting out a little squeak. The sound of her running reached him. It sounded like she was still in sneakers as she pounded along the floor.

“Cut her off, Faith,” Buffy’s voice came through to him. “She’s heading for the kitchen.”

“No, no,” Journey screeched and Spike assumed she’d been caught. “Let me go. I want to talk to Daddy.”

“Journey,” Spike said loudly, hoping to break through before she reached full tantrum mode. “Listen to me.”

“Faith got me,” Joy cried. “Mummy mad at me.”

“Why are you still up?”

“Playing.”

“Journey Aurelia Blood,” Spike said sternly.

“Sir?”

“Have you had a bath yet?”

“Need ‘nother one,” Journey said. “Mummy says I’m icky.”

“Okay, go with Faith, take a bath then go to bed.” 

She sniffled. “I wanna play with girls.” 

“Where are they?” 

“Patrolling. Looking for bad, bad vampires, grrrr, stake ‘em, dust ‘em, poof, all gone,” Journey explained and Spike could almost see the motions of her hands as she mimicked dusting a vampire.

 “Well, I’ll tell you what,” Spike said, smiling. “You behave for Mummy and Aunt Faith and I don’t care what you do when Raven and the girls get back.”

 “Yay, love you,” Journey crowed. “Aunt Faith, I ready for bath now.”

 “’Bout damn time,” he could hear Faith mutter as he told his daughter that he loved her, too.

 “Hello, Spike,” Buffy answered, once the phone was passed to her.

 

“Hi, pet, what happened?”

 “Four girls with four different flavors of ice cream, all of which your youngest daughter had to sample. She hasn’t come back down yet.”

 The exhaustion was evident in her voice. It was supposed to be a girl’s night. Buffy had been looking forward to spending some time with just Faith. He suddenly felt guilty that he was away without any of the responsibilities that Buffy was dealing with. The memory of their time in Vegas only reminded him that he hadn’t taken her away in quite awhile.

 “How’s Eli?”

 “He was still awake the last time I checked on him,” Buffy said. “But he’s upstairs in bed watching one of the Lord of the Rings movie.”

 “Well, that’s good,” Spike said. “How is everything else going?”

 “Pretty good,” Buffy said. “I miss you.” She laughed. “I never realized how many things you do around here. Elijah decided to help me out by taking the garbage out. So, off he went with two bags in tow. I followed him out to make sure he was okay. He had them over his shoulder and, oh my God, he was floating them so he didn’t have to bear their weight. ”

 “That’s my boy,” Spike said with a trace of laughter. “I’m glad that he’s pitching in.”

 “Oh, they all are. We’re muddling through.”

 “I know you are,” Spike said, hating that they had to do it without him and upset because they could.

 “What did you do tonight?”

 “Uh…the guys and I went to Vegas,” Spike said, embarrassed. “I didn’t win crap because your ass wasn’t with me.”

 Buffy giggled and it sounded like music to him.

 “You should have known you couldn’t do it without me.”

 “It made me think of when we were there.”

 “It was a good time,” Buffy agreed.

 “You excite me,” Spike said, his voice dropping to a husky whisper.

 “William, it’s not…”

 “Forget it,” Spike said, sighing. “It wasn’t what I meant. I was thinking of the fun we had and just wanted to let you know.”

 “Thank you,” Buffy said softly. He could hear her love for him in the tenderness of her voice. “I’m sorry for immediately jumping the gun.”

 It was his turn to laugh. “Don’t be. I tried to get Angel to make a run to Sunnydale so I could get laid.”

 “Oh, yeah, you would have taken one look at me and run back to the car.”

 “Did you shave your head this time?” Spike growled.

 “God, no,” Buffy said, laughing. “Hair’s still the same. It’s twisted up in a clip at the moment. My clothes are stained with dinner and ice cream. No make up and I broke a nail today.”

 “And you’re still the most beautiful woman alive.”

 “You are horny, aren’t you?”

 They both laughed. It was the old games of give and take of compliments to reassure themselves and each other that it was still there between them.

 “Buffy, I want to take you away again,” Spike said, returning to his earlier guilt. “Do you want to take a cruise? Or maybe we can go to Mexico?”

 “You know what I’d like,” Buffy said. Her statement was hesitant as if she was unsure if he would approve of her request.

 “What, baby?”

 “I’d like to wait until autumn to go anywhere. Rent a place in the northeast. Take Elijah and Journey, and Raven and Sean if they can go. Do nothing but have some quiet time, watch the leaves change. Go horseback riding in the mountains. Maybe you could show me around New York for a weekend and we could take in a Broadway play. We could even go up to Bangor, Maine and see if we run into Stephen King,” she added, hoping to entice him with the chance of meeting an author he admired.

 “We’d have to hire a nanny,” Spike said, going automatically to the practical side of the situation. It was his job in the family to make sure everything was taken care of. His mind started to chronicle all the things that would make the trip difficult and upset their routines.

 “Don’t worry about it,” Buffy said her disappointment evident. “We’ll figure something else out.”

 Spike could have kicked himself for doing that to her and pushed aside his misgivings. “Start deciding what you want to do. The next time I’m home we’ll start on the arrangements. I’m sure that somewhere in the hordes of Slayers we can find someone to help us with the kids while we’re gone. Okay?”

 “Really?”

 There was an awed quality to her question and he smiled. He could see her eyes dancing as she accepted that he was going to give her this. The tremor of her body as she started thinking of things they’d do.

 “Yeah, baby, really.”

 It was so easy to please her. He questioned why he didn’t do things more often to make her happy. Just so he could watch her face light up in delight. She did excite him. He could feel it fluttering around inside of him and wished he was there with…

The girl.

The woman.

That was his.

Puisse-t-elle rester encore longtemps parmi nous.

Elle qui est sa raison d’etre.

 Chapter 6 – Cowboys and Angels

 

 

 

I know you think that you're safe
Harmless affection
That keeps things this way
It's the ones who persist for the sake of a kiss
Who will pay
Cowboys and angels
They all take a shine to you
Why should I imagine that I was designed for you
Why should I believe
That you would stay

George Michael

 

 

“Hey, old man, time to rise and shine,” Someone shouted in Spike’s ear, waking him from a deep slumber.

 

“Bloody, fucking, hell,” Spike muttered, opening his eyes to stare at the digital clock. “It’s 6:30 am and I don’t have to be at the office until ten. Leave me alone.” He rolled over to face away from Dylan, his new partner, when he suddenly wondered how he had gotten in the house. “How did you get in here?”

 

Dylan plopped down on the end of the bed, crossing his legs and leaning forward. “In the house or in your bed?” Spike kicked out with his foot to shove him off but Dylan reacted and jumped back up, laughing. “Too slow. Reflexes going?” He shrugged. “Some chick let me in.”

 

“She’s not some chick,” Spike said, sitting up. “Her name is Cordelia and you treat her with respect.”

 

“She yours?”

 

“No, she’s a good friend,” Spike said, watching Dylan wander around the room perusing everything. “Now, that I know how you got in here, why are you here?”

 

“To bond with you,” Dylan said, grinning. He threw his arms out, making his already tight t-shirt accentuate his well defined pectoral muscles. “You and I are to be best buddies, friends and pals according to our boss. I got my ass reamed out yesterday after you left. I got a lecture on how wonderful you are, and that you can teach me so much. So, here I am. Mold me into the perfect demon hunter.”

 

“Before dawn?” Spike asked, incredulously. “Go away and I’ll see you at the office.”

 

“Nope, Daddykins, I’m yours.”

 

“Don’t call me that,” Spike growled before lying back down. “I have no interest in putting up with your shit this early.”

 

“Oh, that’s okay,” Dylan said, reaching for Spike’s cell phone. “I’ll just call Jake and tell him that you’re only available when you decide to wake up. That you have no interest in training me and that someone in your age…”

 

Spike got up, snatched his phone away, and backed Dylan into the wall. His forearm was against Dylan’s throat. He morphed into his demon guise and gnashed his fangs.

 

“Someone my age,” Spike said. “Take a century of feeding…just think of how many insolent assholes I’ve left dead.”

 

“Is that supposed to frighten me? Because it didn’t,” Dylan said, pushing him away before stepping around him. “I’ve killed hundreds of your kind.”

 

“You don’t know what my kind is,” Spike said, slipping back into his human guise even as he reached for his jeans to cover his nudity.

 

“Umm, not true,” Dylan said. “I studied you once I found out that you were coming to work for us. Don’t have much use for vampires’ even redeemed ones. They’ll turn eventually…like Angelus.”

 

“You’re in his house,” Spike said, chuckling softly. “He can also hear every word you say. If you’re not careful you’ll have not one but two pissed off vampires after you.”

 

The boy shuttered his eyes. A trace of his fear hung between them and that surprised Spike. He cocked his head as he studied the beauty of the creature before him. It was too bad that the outside covered up someone that was so shallow. Kind of like Dorian Gray, Spike thought as he watched as Dylan moved to the dresser and picked up a picture of Buffy.

 

“This the Slayer you married? I bet she’s a good ride.” He looked up at Spike innocently. “Is she? All those Slayer muscles…”

 

Spike zipped up his pants then walked slowly across the room. He snatched the picture away and put it back in its place. He let his finger trace the curve of his wife’s face that was displayed behind the glass. He wouldn’t take the bait. His grand-sire was down the hall. To let this boy push him out of control would bring shame to his family, to Buffy, and to himself. This moment would define his entire relationship to Dylan. Either he would always be the one defending himself or he could be the one on the offensive.

 

“Let’s make a deal,” Spike said softly. “You keep your hole shut about the women in my life and I won’t kill you.”

 

Dylan shrugged. “Women? Apt choice of words. Let me see,” he counted on his fingers, “Donna…the chick in Florida…your sister-in-law. Did I leave any out? Is it an open marriage? Both of you get to fool around? Because Sunnydale isn’t that far away…”

 

Spike’s fist slammed into Dylan’s jaw, staggering the young man. There was no anger in his eyes, only a clear-cut line being drawn in the sand.

 

“I really hope that was you holding back,” Dylan said, laughing and rubbing his jaw. “If that was your best then…”

 

“We both know it wasn’t,” Spike said, turning and walking out of the room. “I want some fresh blood then we can discuss the terms of our partnership.”

 

Spike didn’t wait for a response. He headed out of the room and toward the kitchen. He grinned when there was no smartass comment in retaliation, only the sound of footsteps following him. The lesson was just beginning.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

Buffy squinted into the sunlight, enjoying the warmth on her face. It was a beautiful day that boasted a few fluffy clouds to dot the wide open blue sky. No tension, or stress, only the laughter of her children to fill her conscience. The girls and Faith had taken off for the mall to do some shopping, giving her some play time with her kids. She sighed and took another sip of her lemonade. Her gaze automatically returned to where Journey and Elijah played on the monstrous swing set / fort combination that Spike had insisted on getting them. She felt a surge of pride for her husband. He always put their children first, no matter what else was going on.

 

This was the kind of day that she dreamed about when she was younger except then it was Angel that shared her life. So long ago it seemed. The dreams of a girl had given way to the reality of the woman. And she was happy about it. Spike was the one who had fought for her, had stayed even when she had tried to drive him away, had taken her shit and she loved him all the more for it.

 

She sighed and hugged her knees. The condensation dripping onto her bare legs sent a shiver through her but she didn’t move. She was too content right where she was.

 

“Mummy, mummy,” Elijah shouted. “Watch me.”

 

Dutifully, she kept her gaze on her son as he swung upside down on the trapeze. She put her glass down so she could clap her hands for him.

 

“Woohoo, Eli,” Buffy called, stifling the urge to tell him to be careful. He needed to be a little boy as much as he could.

 

The sound of a car pulling in made her look around. The SUV came to a stop behind the Navigator. It was Willow and Tara with their two children. She smiled as she watched them climb out, waved to them, before they opened the back doors. The couple was even stronger than they had ever been. Before the birth of their second child, Willow and Tara had both changed their last name. It now matched the last name of their children’s father. He had decided that he wanted to be a part of their lives because he knew he could never have his own family. Friendship, love and time could make any situation workable.

 

Willow had gone into labor with Tara and Daniel Osborne by her side. Oz’s love for the spunky witch had never dissipated and he had willingly given her the one thing he could. Children. He was rarely in town but he never forgot birthdays or holidays and called on a regular basis.

 

“Buffy, Buffy,” Daniel Jr. shouted as he ran to her.

 

She opened her arms and he flew into them.

 

“Hey, little buddy,” Buffy said. “How you doing?”

 

Danny laughed, wiggled out of her arms and headed off to play with the other children. His brother, Jacob, was already at the fort. He was quickly climbing to join Elijah in the small tower room. The couple of year’s difference in their ages didn’t even come up in their friendship. The eldest child from each family took his place to rein over the younger ones.

 

“Hey, Buffy,” Willow said, sitting next to her on the top step as Tara took a seat next to her. “How’s it going?”

 

“I’m fine,” Buffy laughed. “How are the two of you doing?”

 

“We’re fine,” Tara replied. “We spoke to Xander. He said that they have to stop by the store to pick up a few things then they’ll be here.”

 

“Good,” Buffy replied, looking out over the yard again. She watched the children running and screaming in their innocent games. She prayed they could be that way for as long as possible.

 

The family day that her friends had organized was an effort to make her feel less lonely. It wouldn’t work but she had her pride to maintain so it would be smiles all day. She was missing half of herself when Spike wasn’t there. Without conscious thought she made her way toward the children. Laughing, she reached out and touched Journey.

 

“Tag, you’re it,” Buffy said. She started to jog slowly away from the kids, purposefully waiting for Journey to catch up with her.

 

“Mummy, wait up,” Journey called as she started to run.

 

“We’ll help,” Elijah called.

 

And with that all the children started to chase Buffy. She grinned, grabbed her daughter up in a hug, kissed her cheek then set her down. The children were all advancing on her and she took off running. She sped toward where her friends were sitting but Willow and Tara were waiting, ready to grab her. The kids were screaming for the couple to get her. Buffy laughed again before she catapulted over the picnic table to get away from them.

 

This was what life was about even when she wasn’t whole. There were times, at night when she was alone that the absence of Spike sounded throughout her being with painful intensity. But other times, times like this, she was beginning to understand that Spike leaving wasn’t just about him finding his way. It was just as much about her learning to live without him beside her. Although it wasn’t her ideal situation, she had to live with it.

 

And for now, she was okay with that.

 

~~~~~~~

 

They were running between the ocean and the sun. The sand sucked at their shoes and the water splashed over them when they couldn’t avoid a wave. Spike’s body felt the strain, sweat poured down his face and bare chest, trailing down his stomach to finally disappear into the waistband of his jogging pants. The few people on the beach that early stared as they passed them. He felt good.

 

Victories always did even the small ones.

 

Dylan had kept trying to start conversation earlier but Spike had refused to acknowledge him. He had drunk his blood then a nice, hot cup of coffee while the younger man watched. Once he was sufficiently awake he informed Dylan that they were going to go running. There hadn’t been any argument so here they were, pounding the miles away on the sands of Malibu.

 

“I’m not going to take orders from you,” Dylan said, as they turned to head the five miles back to the house.

 

“You will if you have to,” Spike said, smiling because he already knew he was taking control of the partnership.

 

“I don’t need you to teach me anything,” Dylan said, trying to hold onto his arrogance in the face of someone he knew was more experienced than he was.

 

“Everyone has something to learn,” Spike said, indulgently as he jumped over a wave and sped up.

 

“I still think you’re going to wimp out and head home for your family,” Dylan said, as he started to pant from trying to keep up with the vampire.

 

“They’re what makes me strong.”

 

“I’m going to enjoy taking you down a peg or two.”

 

“I’m not going to enjoy anything about being around you,” Spike said, laughing. “You’re an arrogant prick that annoys me.”

 

“As long as we understand each other,” Dylan said, laughing along with Spike as the two settled back into an easy pace for the duration.

 

Chapter 7 – Devil Without a Cause

 

 

 

You knew that I was coming cause you heard my name
But you don't know my game and never felt my pain
Can't read my brain but you read my lips
And got scared when you heard that I was coming with hits
Now don't even trip, be a man instead
Give thanks I'm alive when I should be dead
I'm in the red cause my mind's distortin
People claimin that they know me, but they only know a portion
I'm gonna move mountains and touch the sun
Don't get scared now, you knew this day would come
So hold your bids, all bets are closed
And fuck all you hoes

Kid Rock

 

 

 

Mexico City, Mexico

 

 

For two days he’d been stuck in this god forsaken land of sun. He hated it. Sun gods, sun worshipers and the sun itself sparkling and ricocheting off buildings and cars until you felt like you were on fire. Spike took another drag off his cigarette. Buffy would kill him for picking up the habit again but it was the only thing keeping him sane here. He laughed, yeah, that and the aqua ardiente he was drinking like it was water.

 

Some pretty little senorita screeched down at the pool. Spike turned to watch as Dylan chased her through the water then dragged her under with him. His partner was quite popular here. Pretty, young and blonde and the ladies were following him like he was candy.

 

They’d tried to follow Spike too but he figured the attitude he was projecting was enough to drive them away. It certainly wasn’t his wedding ring. He wasn’t wearing it. His thumb caressed his ring finger missing the familiar weight that was normally there. It was safer not to give the enemy any more ammunition to hold over him so it had been left locked away in Angel’s safe.

 

The only woman he wanted wasn’t here. For a moment he indulged his imagination, picturing Buffy lying by the pool. The golden brown of her skin contrasting with the tiny white bikini she’d wear. Later she’d come up to their room and he would make love to her while she smelled of sunshine, coconuts and sweat. Let her drown him instead of the infernal brightness that was this city. He missed her, missed the routine, the sex, the laughter and everything that was Buffy. It had seemed so long since he could look at her, touch her, or make love to her. He wondered briefly if he had time for a quick wank before Dylan returned to the room. Something to pass the time that might have a little pleasure in it.

 

It wasn’t going to happen though.

 

The beeping of his cell phone interrupted his thoughts and with a sigh he returned inside. The chill of the air conditioned room hitting his sweat soaked skin sent a chill through him. He grabbed his shirt with one hand and the phone with the other.

 

“Spike, here,” he said, shrugging into the traditional Guayabera shirt.

 

“Hey, buddy, its Bob here. It’s time to roll out.”

 

“Half hour.”

 

“Yep, see ya then.”

 

The mere thought of being outside sent a sharp pain through Spike’s head. He grabbed the bottle of aspirin, shook out a few and washed them down with some more tequila. Only a few days away from home and he was going to shit in a hand basket. He shrugged, dismissing his behavior, as he leaned over the railing. Giving a pre-designated signal, Spike pursed his lips and gave a long whistle to catch Dylan’s attention. The young man looked up, grinned and waved. Spike watched as he made his way to the side of the pool and grabbed a towel.

 

“Sorry, Mia, but I’ve got to go,” Dylan said to the young woman he’d been playing with.

 

“Tell your pappi you want to stay outside,” Mia pouted, putting her hand on Dylan’s arm.

 

Dylan only laughed and pulled away while Spike seethed. “His Dad? Who does that silly bint think she is? I don’t look old enough to be his father.”

 

He slammed the sliding glass door shut. The girl’s comment only gave him one more reason to hate this place. Back home he was somebody, even if he wasn’t exciting. His sigh was even heavier as he slipped his feet into huaraches, leather sandals, and started to button up his shirt. His traditional black attire had been ditched in an effort to be comfortable in the heat. The humidity made everything stick to your body like a second skin.

 

His misery in dealing with the climate almost made him wish for the days when he had been pure vampire. The heat hadn’t seemed as bad when he had come through the country with Drusilla. Of course, they had slept through the days and had only traveled by night when it was cooler. Maybe that trip was why he hated this place so much. There was nothing like getting caught in the middle of a Day of the Dead celebration with a loon who thought they wanted to worship her.

 

“What’s the matter with you, Daddykins?”

 

“If you don’t quit calling me that,” Spike warned, donning the straw hat to hide his hair. “I’m going to…”

 

“What?” Dylan asked, laughing. “You’re going to beat me?”

 

He grabbed clean jeans and t-shirt from the dresser. Spike had tried to tell him to wear more traditional garb but Dylan had shrugged and said he wasn’t going to look like a geek.

 

“Hell, no, you’d like that.”

 

“Probably,” Dylan said, zipping up his pants. “Where are we meeting them?”

 

“The Panteon Delores cemetery,” Spike said, enjoying the uncomfortable look on Dylan’s face. “We’re going grave robbing.”

 

 

~~~~~~~~

 

This moment had been coming for days now. Max still wasn’t ready, still wasn’t sure what he wanted to do but he couldn’t avoid Faith forever. She wasn’t the kind of woman that could be ignored. No, she had to make her presence known one way or another even if it was to purely drive him crazy. The only thing he knew was that he didn’t want to play anymore.

 

“Hey, whatcha up to?” Faith asked from the doorway where she was leaning against the frame. Her arms were crossed and one foot was in front of the other, balanced on the pointed toe of her boot. Beautiful, deadly, and what he wanted. Wasn’t it?

 

Max sighed and turned the lock on the gun cabinet. His hand ran along the smooth oak wood before depositing the key ring back in his pocket. Procedure would have to wait a few minutes as he turned to face her.

 

“Closing up for the day,” Max said, meeting her eyes. Never show fear even when faced with imminent death. It only made the dying all that much more painful. “What are you doing?”

 

“Already finished,” Faith said, uncoiling herself and sauntering toward him. “Do you want to go and get some dinner?” Her hands ran up his arms to rest on his shoulders. “We can get out of here for awhile and relax.”

 

Say yes, a part of him screamed, take what you can get but there was the other part still whispering at him. The part of him that wondered what he wanted with a girl like Faith. Bad girls had never been his type. He had always like ladies, girls that needed a shoulder to cry on, women that were feminine even in the heat of battle. Brianna had been like that. Fred and Buffy both were. So, he wondered why he couldn’t walk away from this spitfire that wouldn’t give him the time of day.

 

Because you already know you’ve lost.

 

Max ignored the whisper and slipped his arms around her. He kissed the corner of her mouth and nuzzled her cheek.

 

“Why don’t we really go out? I’ll take you to the Panorama,” Max said, naming a fancy restaurant that was on the 30th floor of a building in downtown Los Angeles. “You in a dress, me in a suit, drink champagne, eat fancy food we can’t pronounce.”

 

“You could pronounce it,” Faith said, pulling away. The flirtatious look on her face slipped away. “You know I don’t like that kind of thing.”

 

“Have you tried it?”

 

“I’m not all girly girl like that.”

 

“Okay,” Max said, dropping the subject. He leaned back on his desk and crossed his arms. “What did you have in mind?”

 

“I thought we could go out to Hank’s Bar and Grille,” Faith said, stepping between his legs and leaning against him. “Shoot some pool, drink some beer…”

 

“You’ll tease me all night then send me home to a cold shower.”

 

“Is that why you’ve been ignoring me for the past few days?” Faith asked. “Because I wouldn’t have sex with you the last time we went out.”

 

“The last time and the time before and the time before…”

 

“So, are you giving me an ultimatum?” Faith asked, rocking back on her heels and her hands on her hips. “Fuck you or it’s over.”

 

“Define it.”

 

“What the hell are you talking about?”

 

“This…us…what is it?” Max asked. “I want to date you. I want a relationship with you. What do you want? Where does all this hanging out, making out, lead up to? Anything?”

 

“I…need time,” Faith said softly. “Come on. We have fun together.”

 

“Yeah, I do have fun with you.” Max cupped her face, letting his thumb brush across her cheek. “Tell me what you want. Is it really so hard?”

 

Faith stepped away from him. “Why do we have to…define anything?” She swung her arms out before bringing them back across her stomach. “And where did this come from? Everything seemed fine until you headed out to Vegas.”

 

“I guess I’ve been thinking that’s all.”

 

“Look, I didn’t come in here to fight. I’m tired. It’s been a bitch of a day and I wanted to go out and have some fun. You up for it or not?”

 

“I guess not,” Max said.

 

He watched the expressions on her face hoping for a clue but there was nothing. Nothing that would help him make a decision.

 

“Your loss,” Faith said, jutting her chin out before turning on her heel and walking away.

 

“Is it Angel?”

 

Faith stiffened but didn’t turn around.

 

“What?” She looked briefly over her shoulder at him but refused to meet his eyes.

 

“Is the reason you’re holding back because of Angel? Are you waiting for Cordelia to die so you can have a chance?”

 

“It’s not that,” Faith said, defiantly. “You know that I cared for someone else before…I died.” She hung her head for a moment. “And you know that I had to get over him since he had found someone else while I was gone. Why bring up Angel now?”

 

“Because you have a crush on him,” Max said softly. “He’s your hero. The one that’s been there to pick you up and make you believe in yourself.”

 

“He’s also married.”

 

“She’s dying.”

 

“You don’t think very much of me, do you?”

 

“I think a lot of you. That’s the problem.”

 

“Max, do you really think we have a chance?” Faith asked, coming close again. “I mean just listen to this conversation. I’m saying beer and pool and you’re talking about fancy dinners. We’re complete opposites.”

 

“And so are you and Angel,” Max said softly. “He’s not much of a beer guy either. He’s into the opera and ballet.”

 

“You’re telling me that I don’t have a chance with Angel but I have a chance with you? That makes a whole lot of sense.”

 

Max sighed as he counted up his losses. It was time to go home. By himself.

 

“I’m sorry, Faith,” Max said, twirling a lock of her hair. “I’m just not much into whiling away the time anymore. It seems that you and I want different things.” He sighed. “I think I had better get out before you break my heart completely.”

 

And with that he walked away from yet another dream.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

 

The grass crunched beneath his feet. Sometimes it reached over to tickle at his feet with the edge of its green tips. He resisted the urge to scratch his irritated skin and tried to concentrate on the job at hand. Spike looked out over the landscape where thousands of graves were laid out. Grudgingly he gave respect to the people of this land that revered its dead as well as it did the living.

 

Each plot was well tended, many were built up with white-washed cement or patterned tiles. Grottos built into the stone were filled with incense, candles, statues or family photos. It only testified to the love that the deceased still received. The crypts were extravagant and often had a door leading downward into the vaulted rooms where the dead were interred.

 

Spike sighed deeply. It was morbid but he hoped this time when his life was over that someone would care enough to mark his passing. There would something to say he had been there. He knew his children were the greatest testimony of his life but having just disappeared before there was a part of him that wanted someone to know. And to care.

 

“You coming?” Dylan asked, passing him.

 

He nodded and followed the younger man. They were on the search for a crypt that had recently been disturbed. All they knew was that it was this cemetery, by a large tree and was protected by a cherub with a broken wing. They were hoping to find almost fifty thousand dollars in stolen jewelry and cash. Their skip, part demon, and therefore unable to be held by human jails was being sought by the man who had been robbed. The reward was high. Mostly it was for the recovery of the jewelry which had been in their family for awhile.

 

Bob and Ted had been spending their afternoon approaching certain contacts that wouldn’t have taken to the ‘prettier’ partners. The underbelly of Mexico City rarely took to gringos anyway, much less two that didn’t look like they understood hardship. And who couldn’t understand the abject poverty that much of the city lived in.

 

The clues had been given. The demon unworried that he was being followed had made their job easier. First order of business was to recover the jewels, the second to find the demon and turn him over to the Guardians for prosecution. The system was slowly changing but not enough for equality yet.

 

A scent drifted on the breeze, teasing at Spike’s senses. It was delicate like magnolia in the waning daylight deep in the south. Deciding to trust his instincts he turned and followed it. Dylan continued the direction they had previously been trekking. Separation wasn’t the wisest choice but the sun was still high in the sky. Distance wasn’t yet over a shout wide so he continued. It grew stronger as it wrapped around him on the light breeze that filtered around the crypts.

 

It was a fresh bouquet laid in front of the gates of small mausoleum. The plaque announcing it was the final resting place of a woman that had been adored by her husband and children. Tears sprang to his eyes and a fervent hope in his heart that this wasn’t an omen of some sort.

 

“You okay?” Dylan asked from behind him.

 

“Fine, I’m fine,” Spike said, “Thought I saw something.”

 

“You did.”

 

Spike looked to where his partner was pointing. Above the door was the tiny angel statue with the tip of one wing broken. They had found it. Dylan flipped open his phone and radioed the other men to their location. Spike crouched to take a closer look at the bouquet that rested on the edge. He peered closer, his brows wrinkling as he poked a finger at it. It was plastic. Putting his head back he sniffed the air. The scent was gone. Nothing left on the wind but the smell of the grass, dirt, and the men who accompanied him.

 

A shiver ran down Spike’s spine as he contemplated what had happened. It couldn’t be anything and he chalked it up to a shift in the currents. Thus dismissed from his mind he turned his attention back to where Bob was breaking the lock. The crowbar was wrapped in the chain to gain leverage. It took the strength of three before they were able to snap it.

 

“Let’s see what’s going on,” Ted said, as pulled the chain out from around the bars. “Let’s keep our fingers crossed that this is what we are looking for.”

 

The gate swung open. And as the metal separated a blast threw the four men away from the grave. The last thing Spike saw was the grass coming up to greet him as he landed with a thud then he fell into a well of darkness

Chapter 8 – Trouble

 

 

 

 

You think your right

But you were wrong

You tried to take me

But I knew all along

You can take me for a ride

Cause I’m not a fool out

So you better run and hide

I’m trouble

Yeah trouble now

I’m trouble ya’ll

Pink

 

 

The fact that he was pissed off was Spike’s first thought as he opened his eyes to find a chuckling Dylan staring down at him. The fact the young man was laughing at him only made Spike angrier but he refused to acknowledge it. Instead he grabbed his partner’s proffered hand. Once he was on his feet he did a quick mental check for injuries. Save for the bump from where his head hit the bench, he was okay.

 

He looked around at the other men, hoping they had escaped injury. It wasn’t the case though. Although Ted seemed to be fine, Bob wasn’t. Being closest to the gate he seemed to have taken the brunt of the blast. His flesh was a fiery red from a burn that started at his hand and trailed nearly along the entire length of his arm. A loud string of curses filled the air clearly letting Bob’s anger be known.

 

Finally, Spike turned his eyes to Dylan. Their eyes met before he ran his eyes over the younger man. Blood dripped down Dylan’s arm and Spike followed the flow upwards to where a deep gash had ripped through the shoulder of his t-shirt.

 

“You okay?” Spike asked, taking Dylan’s arm. He pulled the shirt back, fingering the cut lightly.

 

“Yeah,” Dylan said, standing up straighter. “I’m fine.”

 

It had to hurt but Spike knew that Dylan wouldn’t admit it. He was the youngest of the group and often took the other’s ribbing. Spike didn’t pursue it knowing that Dylan would lose face with the others if he admitted to any kind of weakness.

 

“We ready to try this again,” Bob said, nodding toward the crypt.

 

“Yeah, let’s go,” Spike said. “I’ll go first.” He shifted to his game face for better vision. Dylan’s eyes grew wide but the others only nodded at his decision and his change. With the others following Spike crept down the steps leading into the tomb.

 

The air was cool but only slightly musty smelling. Someone had to have opened the doors recently and let in fresh air. There was no light at the bottom but candles had been placed on small shelves on the walls. Spike pulled his lighter out and lit them so the others could see. The sarcophagus was in the center of the space. On top of it was placed settings for what appeared to be a meal. Dinner plates, wine goblets, and a candelabra decorated it.

 

“Wonder who was planning on eating here,” Dylan said, sarcastically as he played with a plate.

 

“Don’t touch that,” Spike said. “Not until we’ve had a chance to look at them.”

 

“Yes, sir, Mr. Detective,” Dylan said, stepping back and throwing his hands up. “You do the investigating and I’ll do the fighting.”

 

Spike and the others ignored Dylan as they stepped closer to the sarcophagus to inspect it. Ted took control, holding the candle aloft and looking over the top. He moved one of the plates then bent over to look where the lid and base met.

 

“Look at this,” Ted said. “See, where some of the stone has been chipped away.” He straightened up and pointed toward the plates. “And the plates have smudges in the dust. They’ve been moved recently.”

 

“Well, well,” Bob said. “Hopefully, this is what we’re looking for. Hate the thought of disturbing somebody for nothing.”

 

“Yeah, really,” Ted said. “Okay, let’s clear this top and see.”

 

The four men quickly removed the dinnerware and placed them carefully on the floor. Each of them took a corner of the lid and waited for Ted’s signal.

 

“Go slow,” Ted said. “If the front was rigged, this might be too.”

 

Slowly they lifted the lid, muscles tensing as they waited for something to happen. They were relieved when there were no explosions, no clouds, and nothing jumping out at them. They laid the top on the floor. Taking several cautious steps forward, they leaned over to peek inside. A woman’s body was laid out, her arms crossed. The black dress clung to her skeletal remains, caked in dust and soot but they ignored this and gave their attention to the bag by her feet.

 

“Go on, Dylan,” Bob said, grinning as he pushed the younger man forward. “Check it out.”

 

“Whatever,” Dylan said, rolling his eyes. He moved the bag slowly, alert for any danger. “I need some light.” Spike moved forward taking one of the candles to hold over the bag. Dylan unzipped it, moving the sides apart. He looked up with a grin. “It’s the jewels and there is still some cash in here.”

 

“Thank God,” Ted said. “Get it out of there and let’s go.”

 

The team worked quickly to replace everything so they could leave. Spike was relieved that it had gone as easy as it did. Now, they had to find the demon before they could return to California. The gate was left propped up against the fence around the crypt. He felt bad that they had desecrated someone’s grave but it wasn’t them that had chosen this location.

 

Plans were made to meet up shortly after nightfall to pursue their perpetrator. Spike turned to follow Dylan back to the truck they had rented for their stay. He held his hand out for the keys. Before he had just given into the young man’s need to have control but this time his injuries prevented it. Spike was surprised when there wasn’t any resistance. Dylan laid the keys in his outstretched palm before crawling into the truck and huddling against the passenger door.

 

Concern filtered through Spike, surprising him that he even gave a damn.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

Spike caught the door before it was slammed in his face. He didn’t say anything just followed Dylan into their hotel room. The kid was angry that he had stopped to pick up first aid supplies. He waited while Dylan grabbed clean clothes from the dresser and started for the bathroom.

 

“The cut needs to be cleaned,” Spike said calmly. “You can’t reach it.”

 

“Your point?”

 

“My point is that you need to let me do it.”

 

“Fuck off,” Dylan spat. “I’ve dealt just fine without you in my life.”

 

Dylan started to close the door in his face but Spike caught it. His partner’s reaction was a little extreme for the situation and it only added to the confusion Spike had been feeling since he had discovered Dylan had been injured. Maybe it wasn’t his place to take care of Dylan but they were partners, weren’t they?

 

“You’re going to be demon bait with an open wound like that,” Spike stated. “But I’m not going to fight you over it. It’s your life, right?” He handed Dylan the bag, let go of the door and stepped back, shaking his head as the door was shut in his face. “Maybe I’ll enjoy watching you get munched on as a late night snack.”

 

Spike grabbed his cigarettes from the dresser and headed for the balcony. He smiled at the welcome burn of smoke as it made its way into his lungs. Only another day and he’d have to give them up again. Return to being responsible Spike. He gripped the railing as he looked down to the almost empty pool. He turned around when he heard a muffled sound from the bathroom. The door was still closed but the garbled sound returned. Without thinking he made his way back into the room.

 

He’s probably wanking off, Spike thought, which makes you an old perv for listening.

 

Spike stopped in his tracks when Dylan made the noise again. But it couldn’t be what he thought it was. It almost sounded like a whimper or a muffled sob. The concern he had been trying to deny returned. There was something going on inside the kid that totally blew away all Spike’s preconceived notions about Dylan. Before he could decide what to do about it, the water stopped running. Not wanting to get caught eavesdropping, Spike hurried back to the balcony.

 

When a litany of cuss words followed his retreat, Spike smiled. This was the Dylan he knew. The Dylan he could handle. He stubbed out his cigarettes while he waited. He still needed a shower and to check out his own injury. A careful inspection by his fingertips let him know that the cut had almost healed but he still needed to get the dry blood off.

 

The bathroom door banged open.

 

“I can’t reach it,” Dylan said, thrusting the bag toward Spike.

 

Resisting the urge to smile, Spike took it and dumped it on the bed. He stepped into the bathroom and grabbed the wet washcloth. Returning he sat on the edge of the bed and waved to the floor.

 

Dylan sighed before plopping on the floor between Spike’s legs. The subjection of the act sent a new awareness through Spike. An intense paternal need to care for this young man at his feet swept through him. Dylan couldn’t possibly be aware of the vulnerability of his position. Clad only in a towel, his hair wet and swept to the side, his head bowed with the back of his neck an open invitation to the vampire behind him.

 

Forcing himself to the task at hand, Spike inspected the wound and surrounding area. Despite the shower there were still streams of dried blood across the flesh of Dylan’s arms and back. Spike worked on those first. His hand flat was against the skin to hold it taut so he could scrub the blood off.

 

Neither spoke words but the act between them said more than anything spoken could say. Spike could read the emotions that radiated off of Dylan. The fear, the resignation, the confusion and the hope were all hanging in the space between them. Spike’s motions slowed to an almost gentle caress as he moved to the wound itself. He knew it had taken a great deal for Dylan to ask for his help. He could only hope that he didn’t jeopardize their partnership by doing the wrong thing.

 

The skin around the wound was clean and Spike turned his attention to the injury itself. The stone bench had ripped through the tender flesh and bits of granite were still imbedded in the cut.

 

“It’s going to sting,” Spike said, softly as he ran the cloth through the jagged edges. Dylan flinched but remained silent. Spike blew on it gently; Buffy had always done that when their own children were injured. Another chill ran through Dylan and Spike could almost see the retraction and release of the younger man’s skin in response. “Almost done,” Spike said, double checking that he had left nothing behind. Once he was satisfied that it was clean, he applied the antibiotic cream. Next were the bandages, then when he was finished, he patted Dylan’s shoulder. “All done.”

 

He expected Dylan to jump up, not thank him and continue on like nothing had happened. Instead the young man moved to his knees and turned to face him. Neither of them moved as they studied the other while unspoken words danced between them. There was a different vibe coming from Dylan now. It was sending a knot of worry though Spike’s gut. They were balancing on a high wire and one wrong move could damage any hope of them ever getting along.

 

“Would you change?” Dylan asked. “I’ve never seen a…vampire up close before.”

 

“Thought you had killed hundreds of my kind,” Spike teased, but found himself shifting without really concentrating.

 

“I have,” Dylan replied. “I’ve been hunting demons since I was fourteen. Didn’t have much of a choice where I came from. I’ve just never taken the time to…you know…get close to one.” His fingers hesitated before they traced the ridges on Spike’s face. Dylan followed them over his forehead, down his nose and finally down to his mouth. Their eyes met for one brief second before Dylan poked a finger between his lips to touch a fang.

 

The caress sent a jolt of electricity skittering through Spike’s being and he pulled back.

 

“Sorry,” Spike said, with an uncomfortable laugh. “They’re really sensitive.”

 

The hand that had touched him fell to rest on his thigh. “Sorry…I just wanted to know…”

 

“It’s okay,” Spike said. The confusion from earlier had only intensified. There had been an almost sexual feeling to Dylan’s touch but the kid hadn’t given any indication of being gay. All he knew was that he didn’t want to scare Dylan away or hurt him. “Don’t worry about it, but I think…we need to get going. The others are going to be waiting for us.”

 

The young man’s face shuttered closed again as he stood and turned away. Spike didn’t say anything just got his own stuff before heading for the shower. Standing under the spray he replayed the day in his mind. There were just so many emotions running through him that he couldn’t figure them all out. He considered calling Buffy to help ease his troubled mind. But the thought was quickly pushed aside as he realized it wasn’t the comfort of his wife’s love that he needed but the guidance of Angel, his Sire.

~~~~~~~

 

Music from the cantina poured out into the narrow street, reverberating against everything until he could feel the echo inside his head. Smoke hung heavy in the air, some of it the sting of tobacco and some the sweet scent of marijuana but all of it was burning his throat. The eyes were glued to him in open hostility as Spike made his way through the crowds. The swagger of the big bad was his only warning as he moved among them.

 

They parted, letting him through, but their whispers followed him. Their whispers spoke of surprise, idle offers of drugs, and warnings for the gringos to leave before it was too late. Spike ignored them. The only concern he had was the hyper adrenaline that rolled off of Dylan. He was too jumpy in this crowd, too much of a novice to be able to handle the trouble they might have. Spike could only hope that he’d follow orders and not get them killed.

 

Without hesitation he pushed open the door and stepped into the crowded interior. No one paid attention to the two strangers as they made way to the bar. Spike pushed his way in between two men, sitting on the only free stool. He leaned back to Dylan.

 

“Go check stuff out,” Spike said. “See if you can find anything of interest.”

 

The boy disappeared into the throng as Spike turned back and ordered a corona. There was tension in the men that sat on either side of him but he only took a long swallow of the cold beer. His eyes never left the mirror in front of him. Spike scanned the crowd, looking for their mark, looking for trouble, and keeping an eye on his partner.

 

Something Dylan had said earlier had stuck with him, nagging at him with its contradiction. He had said he’d been fighting demons since he was fourteen which was almost ten years ago. So, why was Dylan so nervous on this trip? He should be hardened even more than he was. The kid had a thick armor but underneath he seemed to be mush and that didn’t make sense.

 

Before his musings could get too deep, Spike caught a glimpse of who they were looking for. Tall, ugly, long white hair and a gait like a baboon. Yep, it was the demon they were after. He did another sweep of the room to find his partner. Anger flashed through him as he saw Dylan chatting with a waitress. Their mark was within touching distance. The kid would be dead before he could have a chance to react.

 

Dylan’s eyebrow went up as he caught Spike’s gaze. One hand came up to scratch his chest and then almost without notice one finger pointed to their mark.

 

Misjudged the little bastard again, Spike thought as he slid from the stool. Casually, he moved through the crowd, smiling at the women as he fumbled in his pocket for change. Anyone looking at him would think he was heading to the jukebox in the corner but he was coming up behind the demon. It would be cornered between him and where Dylan was still making time with the girl.

 

There were only a few more steps to go when the demon must have been spooked by something because he took off through a side door. Spike hurried after him, noting the sound of Dylan’s cowboy boots against the concrete floor. He grinned. Maybe this was going to work out after all. They burst through to the outside within seconds of each other.

 

“Where did the…?” Dylan started but was stopped by the raising of Spike’s hand.

 

Spike put his head back and sniffed the air. It wasn’t hard to follow the rank stench of the unwashed demon.

 

“The roof,” Spike said, heading for the iron ladder on the side of the building. He quickly climbed to the top with his partner on his heels. There was no one there, missed him by a moment because it was running across the roof next door. Spike ran to the side, noted the distance and climbed to the edge.

 

“Get the truck,” Spike said. “Follow us on the ground.”

 

Dylan looked over the chasm between the buildings before nodding and turning back. Spike felt confident in his back up as he leaped to the next rooftop. All he had to do was keep up and they would catch this guy. The chase was on. The demon turned, seemingly surprised that a human was tailing him. It picked up speed and so did Spike.

 

They ran across the rooftop then both leapt to the next one as the demon sought freedom. Spike felt the rush as he ran. All his senses were heightened as he moved. The cool night air on his skin, the gravel biting his skin as it worked its way into his sandal, the sweat as it ran down his back, and the calling of his own demon.

 

Nothing can beat this, he thought as he seemed to fly from one building to the next. Except maybe a really good fuck.

 

Spike grabbed his phone as it beeped.

 

“What’s up?” Spike said.

 

“You’re running out of buildings,” Dylan said. “See if you can chase it down into the alley in the back...less people there.”

 

“Be waiting,” Spike said, as he picked up speed to come up beside the demon.

 

It shifted its course and leapt down onto the ground. It wasn’t quite where he wanted it to go but at least it wasn’t out in the front where the crowds were. He heard a scuffle as he jumped. Dylan was putting an all out effort in trying to contain their prey. Spike ran into the fray, wrapping the white hair around his hand and pulling. From there the creature didn’t stand a chance as they subdued it. They restrained it with handcuffs that were made with a fortified alloy to be able to hold those with super strength.

 

A call was made to the others that they’re mission was accomplished. Arrangements were made to meet at the airport and they were on their way. The road out of town to the private airstrip was quiet and Spike was driving faster than he should. It felt good though. They were on a high. Despite all their doubts about working together, it had turned out better than they had thought.

 

Suddenly, Dylan stuck his head out the window and started laughing.

 

“What are you doing?” Spike asked, laughing at the sight.

 

“Whoo, it’s been a hell of a night,” Dylan said, with a crazy grin on his face as he looked back at Spike. “It was bloody fantastic and you are one loco motherfucker.”

 

Spike grinned back. “What can I say? I’ve always been bad.”

 

Chapter 9 – I Will Take Care of You

 

 

 

When the daylight disappears

When you’re haunted, I’ll be near

When the shadows come to call

When you’re too scared to stand tall

I can stand tall

Dream and let your dreams go

It’s your turn to fly

Long as I’m standing by

You can close your eyes

I will take care of you

The Bangles

 

 

 

The confusion hadn’t dissipated. It had only grown in intensity as things had returned to the normality of what he expected. Spike and the crew had been back in Los Angeles for two days now. Today they had returned to work. It had been a small job that had been completed in a few hours. And Dylan had returned to being a complete son of a bitch with insults being freely tossed about.

 

Spike stood ankle deep in the surf enjoying the feel of the icy water as it washed over his feet. He considered a swim but swimming alone in the middle of the night didn’t hold any appeal. It would only remind him of the time that Angelus had made him swim for his undead life. He sighed and threw his head back, breathing deep of the salty air before returning to the house.

 

There was a light on in the kitchen and knew he had been offered his opportunity on a platter. After washing and drying his feet, he padded over the cool tile to where he knew he might receive some answers. Spike stopped in the doorway, observing his grand-Sire pouring a glass of blood.

 

“Hey,” Angel said. “Want some?”

 

“No thanks,” Spike said. “Is…is she better?”

 

Cordelia had been in almost intolerable pain earlier and had to be coaxed into upping her dosage of morphine. She wasn’t ready to die yet and although she was building a tolerance to the drug, she also knew it was how many patients died. A few drops too many added in the IV would lead to the release from more than just the pain.

 

“She’s sleeping,” Angel replied, wearily as he replaced the decanter in the refrigerator. “Come in and keep me company.”

 

A shiver ran down Spike’s back. It sounded like Angelus. The one he really sought advice from. His foot hovered over the invisible line between rooms knowing that if he went in that he would be crossing more barriers than he might be ready for. He had to know though and as he stepped into the room, he felt like he was stepping into his past.

 

Angel had taken a seat at the table as Spike wandered around the room. Unsure of how to ask without revealing too much but it probably wouldn’t matter in the end. His Sire would know the truth behind his questions. Vulnerability to Angelus was never tolerated and he still tried to keep that façade with Angel. There was no one else that could explain though, no one else to teach him, just as it had been after he was turned.

 

“Did you…how did you…feel toward your children?” Spike asked, knowing he sounded like the confused William who had sought answers on why the family was the way it was. “Did you love us?”

 

“There was a time when I would have said that I was incapable of it,” Angel said. “No soul, no capability of love but now…I know it is possible.” He laughed. “Why do you want to know? Planning on turning someone?”

 

Spike shook his head because speech was difficult. “I…Do you miss it…us?”

 

“No,” Angel said, turning to catch Spike’s eyes. “What’s going on with you, Spike? Did you run into someone that has you all turned inside out?” He paused. “Did you have a childe that you never told me about?”

 

“No, Drusilla would never have tolerated it,” Spike said. He went to stand at the breakfast bar, his fingers drifting over the magazines stacked there. “Is it the same love that you have for a mate?”

 

Spike heard Angel putting the glass down and could feel the tension rising in the room.

 

“Is this about Drusilla?”

 

“No, it’s about…me,” Spike said, so softly that it was barely audible.

 

“Do you want to know if I was in love with you?”

 

“Not that…I know the answer but the other…all the other things…how is it different?”

 

Angel sighed loudly. “Why are you bringing this up now? Does it really matter?”

 

“To me it does,” Spike said, turning away. “I need to know.”

 

He could hear Angel stand, the chair scraping of the chair legs across the floor, and he could almost see his Sire’s hands going into his pocket. It was like he was the fledging Childe again waiting to be punished, to be brought to task or brought to bed.

 

“You were special to me,” Angel said. Spike shivered as the tone and inflection became pure Angelus. “You were like a present given to me by Drusilla. I had a male playmate, someone who would share the games with me like the women wouldn’t. And someone new to share my bed…”

 

“The times you raped me,” Spike bit out, then dreading his words as he listened to his master walk up behind him. He had left himself vulnerable but he couldn’t move. Angel’s hand slipped beneath Spike’s shirt to rest on his back. His fingers kneading that spot that Spike had forgotten that anyone but Buffy knew about. The sensation sent messages straight to his cock that this was pleasure.

 

“It wasn’t always rape, William,” Angel whispered in his ear before kissing his cheek. “There were times when you came crawling to me, begging for my touch.”

 

Spike closed his eyes, hating his weakness. It was the call of the blood, of the demon, of family. If Angel wanted him here and now, he would succumb, he would have to. His Sire would accept no disobedience and if Spike allowed it, he would bring great pleasure, too.

 

“Yes, I did,” Spike said, turning his head so that he could look into the eyes that used to hold so much power over him. “But did you love me?”

 

Hands cupped his cheek. “Yes, I loved you, wanted you, protected you and I was your father, but always your better and always the one to be obeyed. It is the way of the Sire, Childe relationship. You had no voice in the relationship except what I gave you. No matter how much you tried to fight it.” A thumb caressed Spike’s cheek before drifting over his lips. “Is this about Dylan?”

 

Spike nodded as his eyes closed because he was too afraid of the truth.

 

“You are still a demon no matter how domesticated your life might become,” Angel said, hands moving to Spike’s shoulders. “It is like now. We remember, we want but we have become too humanized to answer the call. Your demon is seeking a companion, more and less than a mate, a childe to teach and share with. It is as it has always been for our kind. But remember, Spike, the man in you has always been stronger than the demon. Trust yourself. You won’t go too far.”

 

“Thank you,” Spike said, stepping back. “I’m going to go and call Buffy.”

 

Angel only nodded as Spike headed for the doorway. He was about to step into the living room when Angel’s voice made him hesitate.

 

“Yes, William, sometimes I miss those days…and you.”

 

It was all his heart needed to hear. Spike nodded and walked away almost hearing an audible closing of the door to his past. It was a place that he knew he would never visit with Angel again. Sometimes you only get one shot to understand.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

Buffy winced as the Navigator bounced through another large rut in the dirt road. She made a mental note to have it checked out before Spike came home for a visit. Her decision wasn’t based on fear of him being angry with her but to protect him from worrying about something else. She nibbled on her lower lip as she looked for the gated entrance where she was supposed to meet her husband. His call, late the evening before, had worried her.

 

There was something more than just needing to see her that was bothering him. She just couldn’t tell if he was hurting, feeling guilty about something or both. Her first instinct had been to immediately go to Los Angeles but he wouldn’t let her. And, she admitted as she sighed, that bothered her too. Was he hiding something from her? Did he found that something else that would take him away? She pushed away her doubts. There was no reason to distrust him because things were better than ever between them. She would hold onto that no matter what.

 

The sun glinted off of something and Buffy squinted to make sure it was the motorcycle. It was. She smiled as she caught her first glimpse of her husband in what seemed forever. His head was bowed as he leaned against the cycle. Dangling in his fingers was a cigarette.

 

Don’t nag, just love him, Buffy thought as she pulled in behind him.

 

Buffy watched as he opened the gate and motioned her through. She waited while he locked up again and climbed on his motorcycle. Down the path was a lake where there was once going to be vacation homes but the plan had never panned out. The property was still held onto by Aurelius Enterprises. She followed him down to the clearing that overlooked the water.

 

They were as isolated as two people could be and Buffy grinned as she watched Spike stride toward the truck. He was opening the door before she could even take the keys out. She turned toward him as he reached for her. His hands were sliding along her thighs, underneath the small denim skirt she wore and she pushed up on her heels so that he could cup her bottom.

 

“Ready for me, woman?” Spike growled when he found that she hadn’t worn panties.

 

“Yes,” Buffy whispered, reveling in the need she felt in his touch. She wrapped her legs around his waist as he propped her against the side of the Navigator. “I’ve missed you so much.”

 

Her words were drowned out by his mouth descending on hers. She sighed, thankful that they were so attuned to each other. Their kiss held no hesitation or questions, only the raw hunger they had for each other.

 

“Do you want to talk or something?” Spike said, pulling back. “I didn’t…”

 

“Don’t care…only want you now,” Buffy cut him off. She didn’t need polite conversation. She needed him and her hands delved between them to the button on his jeans. Spike only smiled for a second before kissing her. It didn’t take her long to free his cock, quivering when she held it in her hands again. It was hers to pleasure and be given pleasure by. She led him to her ready entrance. Her body wet even before she left home. The humming inside of her at seeing her mate again was making her drip in want of him.

 

“I love you,” Spike whispered, as he thrust into her in one stroke.

 

“Love you, too,” Buffy muttered. She wrapped her hands around the luggage rack to help take some of her weight off of him. She wanted him to only have to concentrate on moving in and out of her.

 

He buried his face in her neck as his hips moved at an almost violent pace. The vehicle was rocking under the force but Buffy only urged him for more. To her there was nothing better than the feel of him inside her. It didn’t matter if it was her cunt, her mouth or evn her ass just as long they were connected. His cock piling into her, stroking her, bringing them closer and finally giving her his life force was what kept her alive. Sometimes in the darker games she knew it was the part of her that was Dru that was giving him the pleasure but it was always her body. It was his to do with as he wished but he had never abused her acquiesce.

 

“You feel so good,” Spike said, as he licked along her neck, “such sweet hotness…have you been touching yourself and thinking of me?”

 

“Only you,” Buffy answered, tangling her fingers in his hair and pulling his head back. “Want to watch your face when you come.” She squeezed him with every inward thrust, loving the face he made and the trembles of his body. “Come for me, I’ve been so empty without you.”

 

Her words were the final caress to take him over the edge. His fingers tightened on her bottom as he pulled her closer and buried himself as deep as he could inside her. She felt the tremors as he came, the sticky fluid he released, and she let herself join him. They wrapped their arms around each other, leaning against the truck until they came down.

 

“Hello,” Spike said, a few minutes later with a chuckle. He brushed the hair away from her face. “Have you had a good day so far?”

 

“It’s been delightful so far,” Buffy grinned, sliding down his body to stand on the ground. He knelt to smooth her skirt down while she tousled his hair. “I brought a blanket and a cooler with drinks and sandwiches.”

 

They gathered the items from the back of the truck before making their way down to a grassy space by the lake. The blanket was spread out and they made themselves comfortable. Buffy offered him an icy beer and took a bottle of water for herself. She took a couple of long cool drinks before putting it aside so she could settle next to him. He immediately realigned himself so that they were touching.

 

“So, how are the kids?” He asked, kissing her forehead softly.

 

“Good,” Buffy said. “Raven is being way too good so I’m waiting for the explosion to happen soon.” She chuckled as she thought of her teenage daughter. “If I didn’t know it was going to end soon I’d be enjoying the extra nicey helper.” She sighed. “Elijah has already fell off the little man wagon. He was demanding some cookies while Del was cooking dinner the other night. She told him no and he tried to levitate it. Unfortunately, his anger got the better of his control and he almost hit her in the head with the box.”

 

Spike stiffened next to her while she told him about Eli. There were strict rules in the house about the use of Elijah’s powers.

 

“What did you do?” He asked without anger in his voice.

 

“I had Willow bind his powers for a week,” Buffy said, looking up at him. “Don’t say anything to him. I told him he needed to talk to you when you got home. He was just testing his boundaries being alone in a house full of women.”

 

“Kind of hard for him to deal with, I’m sure,” Spike said, smiling. “How is he handing it?”

 

“Just fine. I sent him off with Xander and Aidan to go fishing for a couple of days. Let him wallow in all that male stuff.”

 

“Good, let him burn off some of that extra energy,” Spike said, approvingly. He pushed her t-shirt out of the way so that he could settle his hand on her stomach. His finger tickled her belly button. “And Journey?”

 

“She’s being your demanding daughter again,” Buffy said, sighing. “She keeps seeing things on television that she wants for her birthday and the list keeps getting longer.”

 

“Don’t spoil her too much,” Spike said, his hand coasting along her body until he was cupping her hip. “And send me a list of things I can pick up in Los Angeles. I can’t come home empty handed. She’ll never forgive me.” He nuzzled Buffy’s ear. “I’ve got some presents with me for all of you that I got in Mexico. Don’t let me forget to give them to you.”

 

“How was your trip?” Buffy asked, turning on her side to face Spike. His roaming hands were making her body respond again and she wanted to get the preliminaries out of the way so they could make love again.

 

Spike rolled onto his back, pulling her with him. “We got the job done.”

 

“Oh, come on, silly,” Buffy said, trailing a finger down his cheek. “Tell me all about your adventure. Really…I want to hear.”

 

“It wasn’t that interesting,” Spike said but his grin told her otherwise. She listened while he told her about the run across the rooftops. The drive through the desert with Dylan hanging out the window and the demon protesting his capture in the back of the truck all sounded adventurous to her. A part of her longed for the days when she was part of the action but it was over for her. Spike, though, seemed to come alive beneath her. His face was animated as he talked about the cemetery, the cantinas and the heat that he hated. Suddenly he stopped talking. “I’m sorry. I must be boring you.” His face held a trace of guilt as he looked up at her.

 

Buffy kissed him. “You’re not boring me. It seems like you had a great time.” She ground down on him. “It’s kind of like having the big bad around again.”

 

“I’ll big bad you,” Spike whispered as he flipped them.

 

“Please do,” Buffy said, spreading her legs so that he was cradled against her. This time it was slow. Their touches were slower as they reaffirmed their knowledge of each other’s body. Spike made sure she was feeling loved and satisfied before he slid into her heat. He rolled again letting her take control. Her hands planted on either side of him as she rocked against him.

 

“I’m so glad you’re mine,” Spike said, stroking her breasts.

 

“Never leave you,” Buffy vowed. She arched back when his hand slid down her stomach and between her legs. He rubbed her clit, circling and teasing, until she plummeted over the edge. Panting she fell against him, using the last of her strength to bring him to his own completion. Kissing his chest, she let her hand drift over his ribs. “I’ve missed you.”

 

“You just miss getting laid everyday.”

 

“That too,” Buffy giggled. “So, are you going to tell me what’s bothering you?”

 

“You mean besides missing being home, you, the kids and living my life?”

 

“Yeah,” Buffy said, sitting up. “You know you can tell me anything.”

 

“Let me up, baby,” Spike said, holding her hand until she was sitting on the blanket. He stood up, reaching for his jeans to look for a cigarette. She watched the familiar profile as he lit it and inhaled.

 

“You pick that up in Mexico, too?” Buffy said, hating the sarcastic tone of her voice. Despite her earlier vow, she could feel the anger licking at her heart. He was smoking again. He was keeping secrets from her and she didn’t want to be on the outside. When he didn’t say anything she started pulling her clothes back on. The mood was ruined for her. “Don’t even think about smoking when you get home.”

 

“It’s my house.”

 

“Damn you Spike,” Buffy said, standing in front of him. “Don’t shut me out, please.”

 

“How can I tell you when I’m not sure myself?”

 

“Did you find someone else?”

 

“It always comes back to that again, doesn’t it?” Spike said, laughing. “Have I cheated again? You were the one that bloody pushed me out of my home. Not me. I didn’t want to go. Maybe you’re the one cheating. You did it first by the way...can I remind you of Richard?”

 

“That’s childish.”

 

“So, is not trusting me.”

 

“I have reason,” Buffy said, softly. She crossed her arms and stared down at his feet. Her big toe ran across his. “You need to cut your nails.”

 

“That’s rich,” Spike said, tilting her head up. “We go from my straying to my toenails.”

 

“The other hurts too much,” Buffy said, honestly. “I do trust you. I’m sorry…that was uncalled for.”

 

“I’m not cheating on you,” Spike said pulling her close. “I know you don’t have reason to believe me.” He laughed softly. “I love you, woman, no matter how much of a bitch you are.”

 

“Bastard,” Buffy said, pinching his bare bottom. “So, tell me what you do know.”

 

“It’s Dylan,” Spike answered. “He confuses the hell out of me and I don’t know what to do about it. He got hurt while we were there and I felt like his soddin’ father or something.” He paused and she could feel the vibration of his neck as he swallowed. “Yet there was something else there. Angel said it’s my demon calling out for a childe.”

 

“And what do you think?”

 

“I don’t know, Buffy, I don’t know.”

 

His confusion worried her. She wasn’t sure if she should be threatened by Dylan or be supportive of Spike. Her doubts were her problem. Spike had been nothing but a model husband for years now. Another unjustified display of being a shrew and he would have reason to turn away. There was only thing to do. She would be the understanding wife.

 

“Invite him home,” Buffy said, stepping back so she could look into her husband’s eyes. “Bring him with you for Joy’s birthday party. It will give him a chance to see you who you really are...besides rogue demon hunter extraordinaire.” She smiled. “If he’s important to you then he should be important to the rest of the family.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

There was hope in his eyes and she quelled the unease she felt about bringing a stranger home. Their family had almost always expanded by unusual means and she did understand the need for a vampire to create a family.

 

“Yeah, I’m sure,” Buffy said, cupping his cheek.

 

“Thank you,” Spike said, hugging her again. “I love you.”

 

Buffy held him knowing that if Spike wanted this Dylan to be part of their family then he would be. She wouldn’t lose her husband again…no matter what it took.

Chapter 10 – Could I Be You

 

 

You show your pain like it really hurts

And I can’t even start to feel mine

Well, I’m standing in place

With my head first and I shake, I shake

I see your progress stretched out for miles and miles

You’re laughing out loud

At just the thought of being alive

And I was wondering if I could just be you tonight

Matchbox Twenty

 

 

The Jeep Wrangler cut its way through the interstate traffic with ease. Dylan loved the challenge of maneuvering his bright red baby around other vehicles. It was a crude form of power but it thrilled him nonetheless. A grin lit up his face as he darted in front of a semi, flicking off the driver who had the nerve to honk at him. He glanced over at his passenger who seemed to be lost somewhere and not even noticing that he could have almost died.

 

“Stop that,” Dylan commanded, smacking Spike in the middle of his chest. The vampire was drumming his fingers along the dashboard and he was snapping nicotine gum with no concern at how annoying it might be.

 

“You can’t even hear it,” Spike said, dancing his fingers along the steering wheel.

 

“Yeah, but I know you’re doing it,” Dylan said, brushing Spike’s hand away. “Why don’t you just have a cigarette?”

 

“Because Buffy told me not to smoke when I came home,” Spike said, with a smirk.

 

“Pussy whipped.”

 

“Yeah, and because I want some, I won’t smoke.”

 

“Oh, come on,” Dylan said, shaking his head. “Like she didn’t give you ass when you spent that afternoon with her, so why wouldn’t she now?”

 

A finger was waved in front of him and Dylan sighed. He’d broken cardinal rule number one. Don’t ever disrespect Spike’s women. So, he changed his terminology.

 

“Isn’t it your home? Don’t you support everyone?”

 

It had always been that way when he had been growing up. The breadwinner made the rules and you didn’t argue; just obeyed. And that’s why he had left home at thirteen. Compromising your position was better than not having one.

 

“Financially, yeah,” Spike said. “But Buffy runs the house, takes care of the kids and me. Her load is just as great as mine or even more. So, yeah, I’ll give in when I don’t think it’s a big deal. Besides I don’t want my kids smoking so…”

 

“Practice what you preach?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

It made some sense so Dylan let it drop. The man beside him was an enigma. A combination of a vampire and a family man didn’t really go together. It was an intriguing enough of a prospect to make Dylan accept this invitation. The thought of spending a weekend in the suburbs with kids was enough to give him a serious case of hives, but he wanted to figure out what made Spike tick. Once Dylan knew that then it would be easier to manipulate his partner into giving him what he wanted.

 

Knowledge was power and the thought made Dylan smile. He turned his concentration back to his driving letting the thrill take over him again. It was a beautiful day with the sun climbing high into the sky. Only a few clouds dotted the blueness above him and the closer they got to Sunndyale, the more the traffic thinned out. Nothing was in his way or going to be. This time the jackpot was his.

 

Dylan followed Spike’s directions through the small town to the house. His eyes widened behind his sunglasses as he saw the rambling two-story house. It was another clue to the man beside him as he took in both the cemetery and the swing set behind it. He turned his attention to the house again, taking in the wide porch that ran the length of the front of the house. There were wicker chairs placed almost randomly along it and a swing hung from the ceiling on one side.

 

It was a home.

 

“Come on,” Spike said, grabbing his bag out of the back. “It won’t bite.”

 

His bag was tossed to him and Dylan caught it easily. He flung it over his shoulder as he followed Spike toward the house.

 

“Daddy, Daddy,” a small boy that Dylan recognized as Elijah from pictures, flung open the front door and came tearing toward them. Spike laughed, dropping to his knees to catch the child.

 

“Hey, Eli,” Spike said, pushing the boy away so he could look at him. “How are you doing? Taking care of things for me?”

 

“Yeah…well, I’m trying,” Eli said, shuffling his feet. He looked back at the house. “Mummy was mad at me last week but she’s not now.”

 

“Okay,” Spike said, patting Eli’s shoulder. “We’ll talk later…just you and me.”

 

The boy smiled. It was an innocent, trusting gesture that showed his belief that his father wouldn’t let him down. Dylan filed the information away as he watched the boy turn and run back to the house. The two men followed a little more slowly. Dylan was expecting a huge crowd at the door to welcome Spike home but the front hall was empty. Spike shrugged, threw his bag at the bottom of the stairs and started to walk down the hall toward where they could hear women’s voices.

 

“Dad, you’re home.”

 

This time it was Raven. Dylan slipped his sunglasses off to take a better look at the young woman bounding down the stairs. Her small firm body was encased in a pair of hip hugging black jeans with a red baby tee that showed off her flat stomach. He let his gaze wander upwards to her face. She wasn’t a classic beauty but she was definitely cute with bright blue eyes and a mass of red curly hair that reached to her waist. She laughed lightly as she launched herself off the staircase and into her father’s arms.

 

“Hello, princess,” Spike said, hugging her tight. “I’ve missed you.”

 

“Missed you, too,” Raven said, her eyes catching Dylan’s for a moment before she returned her attention to Spike. “I haven’t even needed a nail polish consultation.”

 

They both laughed at their inside joke. It was irritating to be deliberately left out. It only confirmed his earlier assumption that Raven was going to be difficult to win over. It would be necessary though. She seemed to be fairly vibrating with power, not only in her Slayer capacity but also with power within the family. Spike often spoke with an amused lilt about what a firecracker his daughter was.

 

Plastering a smile on his face he took a step toward the pair. “Hi there, I’m Dylan.”

 

“Hello.”

 

A small hand was offered to him and he shook it with a little more of a caress then a shake. He watched as one perfectly plucked brow rose ever so slightly but she didn’t say anything just took her hand back. Thankfully, Spike didn’t notice anything but rather seemed pleased that the two were being friendly.

 

“Where’s Sean and Journey?” Spike asked, looking around.

 

“Joy is taking a nap. I know it’s late but she was up at the crack of dawn looking for you and Angel,” Raven said, smiling as she shook her head. “So, we wore her out and put her down. Hopefully, she won’t be cranky later.”

 

“And Sean?”

 

“Uh, he won’t be getting in until tonight.”

 

Spike sighed and did his head roll thing he did when he was irritated. Dylan stepped back to watch the interchange hoping they would talk freely if they forgot he was there.

 

“And why not?”

 

“Don’t be mad,” Raven reprimanded as she took her father’s hands in her own. “Bryant had to have some sort of study group this afternoon and they’ll be in town after that. Uh…they’re staying in a hotel this time.”

 

“Bloody hell…”

 

“Don’t, okay, the more upset you get, the more Sean is going to think he has to defend Bryant. Just let it run its course.”

 

Spike nodded apparently taking Raven’s advice. The situation was a mystery to Dylan. Spike’s eldest son wasn’t a subject the two partners had discussed. Dylan only knew what he had discovered when he had Spike investigated which wasn’t much at all.

 

“The rest of the girl’s are here,” Raven said, kissing Spike’s cheek. “We’ll be down in a bit.”

 

Dylan watched Raven disappear back upstairs. He was enjoying the sway of her bottom before Spike tugged on Dylan’s sleeve.

 

“Watch what you’re watching,” Spike cautioned. “Come on...I want to find Buffy.”

 

It was time to meet Spike’s wife, the love of his life, and the one that seemed to control him. Dylan was curious about the Slayer that had captured the heart of one of history’s most notorious vampires. He had heard talk about her from Jake and the other men that ranged from how wonderful she was to what a cold bitch she could be. Already he didn’t like her just because of the hold she had on Spike but Dylan had decided to play nice for now.

 

Spike pulled him through a swinging door into a large kitchen. This was the heart of the house. From the large table on the side that would hold the entire family to the drawings and pictures that were stuck to the refrigerator to the messy counter tops, it all screamed family. Dylan watched as Spike headed first to an older woman. She was waiting with arms open for the return of the head of the house.

 

“It’s good to see you,” Del said, patting Spike on the back. “We’re making lasagna for dinner.” She added as Spike lifted the lid on the pot she had been stirring.

 

“Smells great,” Spike said, kissing her cheek. “I want you to meet my partner, Dylan.”

 

“Nice to meet you,” Dylan said, shaking her hand. He smiled because he knew he was being scrutinized for faults. “It smells wonderful.”

 

“Thank you,” Del said, returning his smile. She waved her hand toward the refrigerator. “There’s drinks in the fridge. Help yourself.”

 

Figuring it would be frowned upon if he took a beer; he helped himself to a soda instead before sitting at the table. From there he could watch whatever was going on in the room. Dylan glanced over to where Spike was now standing behind the other woman. His arms were wrapped around her waist and she was giggling at whatever Spike had said to her. Insipid was the first thing that came to his mind since she was thirty years old. Wasn’t she past the age of acting like a schoolgirl because a boy paid attention to her?

 

Dylan did have to admit that Buffy was a beautiful woman. Shining, brunette locks done in a French braid fell to the middle of her back. She had a flawless complexion with a cute nose that was made for nipping. His eyes wandered down to the figure encased in a white t-shirt and short denim overalls. She was a combination of earth mother and stunner that sent a stab of desire through him. He could see what had made Spike look twice at her.

 

“Good god, pet,” Spike exclaimed, after tasting the mixture Buffy was stirring in a small bowl. “Did you put a whole bottle of vinegar in it?”

 

She only laughed and handed him a spoon which Spike took as he started to add ingredients to the bowl. It was then that she turned to Dylan. Her face gave away nothing of what she was feeling as she looked him slowly over.

 

“Hello,” Buffy said, tilting her head.

 

“Hi.”

 

They seemed to almost be at a standoff as they stared at one another. Neither was giving until the back door flew open and a blanket covered Angel came bursting in. Cordelia followed him with a big grin and shaking her head at his entrance. The atmosphere instantly changed upon their arrival. It was interesting to watch Buffy’s expression go from almost hostile to one of open friendliness as she greeted their guests.

 

If there was someone in Spike’s family that Dylan thought he could be close to that person would be Cordelia. From their one meeting, he had been impressed with her straightforwardness but compassionate nature. She reminded him of someone he had known a long time ago. Shaking his head to keep from getting lost in memories, he caught her looking at him from over Buffy’s shoulder. He gave her a tentative smile and was relieved when she returned it.

 

“We’ve put you two in the usual place,” Buffy said.

 

“Ahhh, Spike’s study,” Angel said, with a grin. “Did you reinforce the springs on the couch this time?”

 

“Bastard,” Spike said, laughing. “The furniture people think I’m crazy for how many couches I’ve had to buy. If I wasn’t so fond of your wife, I’d make your ass stay at a motel.”

 

The four of them laughed at their joke. Something else he wasn’t a part of being rubbed in his face. He looked up to see the old woman staring at him. It gave him the creeps as she studied his face. His eyes carefully shuttered, Dylan leaned back in his chair and lifted one brow in response. It didn’t intimidate her. She laughed and turned back to the stove.

 

“So, Dylan,” Cordelia said, sitting beside him at the table. “What do you think of Sunnydale and the house?”

 

“Didn’t really see a lot of Sunnydale,” Dylan answered, turning to look at her. She looked healthier than the last time he had seen her. He smiled. “The house is great. It’s kind of 7th Heavenish or something.”

 

“Yeah, that it is. Sometimes it’s so freakish normal that it makes me want to scream.”

 

Dylan chuckled at her comment. He wasn’t going to voice his agreement. Doing that would only insult his hosts. Thankfully, this conversation was interrupted when the kitchen door swung open and a little girl came rushing in. Dylan knew she had to be Journey; Spike’s pride and joy.

 

Suddenly she came to such an abrupt stop that she almost fell on her bottom. Her eyes got wide as she looked from Spike to Angel.

 

“Look, Joy,” Buffy said, leaning back against the counter. “Daddy and Uncle Angel are both here.”

 

“Hey, pumpkin,” Spike called, squatting down to her level. He put his arms out to her. “Come give Daddy a kiss.”

 

“Don’t listen to him,” Angel said, crouching down next to his grand-childe. “Come give your Angel a hug.”

 

“Hey, I’m her father.”

 

“And I’m her favorite uncle,” Angel said. “I’ve got presents for you, Journey.”

 

“Of course, you do, you ponce. It’s her birthday. We’ve all got presents for her.”

 

“Oh, my god,” Cordelia exclaimed. “Will you two cut it out?” She leaned closer to Dylan. “First they fought over Buffy. Now, they’re fighting over her daughter. It’s disgusting.”

 

Now, that tid bit was interesting. Dylan glanced at the two vampires and the woman standing behind them. The report had only said that Angel had dated Buffy at one time not that the two had fought over her. Deciding he would have to find out more, he turned his attention back to the little girl.

 

Journey was giggling like mad at the two men who were still trying to cajole her into going to them first. Her feet were spread wide as her hands covered her mouth. There wasn’t a part of her that wasn’t shaking with the mirth that was consuming her. Angel offered her a present right away then Spike offered her one, too. The little girl screamed with laughter, throwing her arms wide, with her head back. Suddenly she took off running. Her destination was between them. She was right. They moved together to catch her. She was cradled between them as they fawned over her.

 

Twice now, Dylan had been witness to innocent trust by children in this house. He wondered if everyone was really naïve or if they put on a really good front. It was like they had no clue what was happening right under their noses. Spike was their hero, their savior, what were they going to do when he wasn’t there to wipe their noses anymore?

 

Dylan decided it was going to be fun to watch what happened when it did.

 

Chapter 11 – Head Games

 

 

 

Daylight, alright

I don’t know, I don’t know if it’s real

Been a long night and something ain’t right

You won’t show, you won’t show how you feel

No time ever seems right

To talk about the reasons you and I fight

It’s high time to draw the line

Put an end to this game before it’s too late

Head games, it’s you and me baby

Head games, and I can’t take it anymore

Head games, I don’t wanna play

Foreigner

 

 

 

The prophecy was constantly on her mind even if it was only in a small recessed corner. It was still there, turning and changing it’s meaning from the first time Elijah had recited it to her. Raven didn’t understand all of the implications of the almost mathematical equation it appeared to be. The First had said it was about her parents and from there she had deduced part of the puzzle.

 

Thrice tempted…

 

It had to be her father. He had already been tempted twice so she knew that this journey and probably Dylan himself was the bait to take him away from them and his purpose. The only person she had confided in was Connor. She trusted him with her life why not her secrets? They had spent hours trying to figure it out together. The conclusion they had reached was that Spike’s first temptation had been for love, since Donna had cared about him in a way that Buffy never had, and the second was easily identified as lust. The third one had them stumped. What could Dylan offer her father that he couldn’t get from his wife and family?

 

There was of course the obvious but she had dismissed that as being too easy.

 

Meeting Dylan had only left her even more perplexed because she had felt his attraction to her. Elijah had only said that the young man wasn’t good so it wasn’t like he wasn’t radiating pure evil. All she knew was that she needed to get to know him better and see what she could learn. She couldn’t interfere in the choices her parents made without possibly messing everything up but she could perhaps influence the things that were influencing them.

 

With that in mind, Raven led her friends, Rona, Molly and Amanda, downstairs to go patrolling. She smiled to herself when she saw Dylan right where she wanted him.

 

“Go on out, you guys,” Raven said. “I’ll be there in just a second.”

 

Once they were gone, she approached the man who was studying their family pictures that hung on the wall in the living room. No one else was about. The grownups who had gone out hadn’t invited Dylan to accompany them. None of them really appreciated the sarcasm that he had freely thrown about during dinner. Her parents were upstairs and she figured Angel and Cordy were in the study so that left Dylan alone.

 

Poor thing, she thought sarcastically. Let’s see how much you want to play.

 

“Hey,” Raven said, coming to stand beside him. He glanced at her briefly then returned his gaze to the photos. “There’s quite a few of us isn’t there?”

 

“Yeah, there are,” Dylan said. He reached up and pointed to a couple that was between a photo of her and Elijah. “Who are they?”

 

“My parents.”

 

“Biological then?”

 

Of course you half-wit, Raven thought but she smiled gently at him. “Yes they were my parents, but so are Buffy and Spike. We’re family. All of us.”

 

“That’s good,” Dylan responded.

 

His tone almost sounded sincere but Raven pushed the thought away. It wouldn’t do her any good to feel sorry for him.

 

“Yes, it is. Love is a good thing, you know.”

 

“Of course it is,” Dylan said with a chuckle. “You don’t need to tell me that.”

 

“Hmm, don’t I?” Raven ran a finger across her father’s face in a photo of him and Buffy lying in the hammock. She decided to go with a full attack and see what she could uncover. “My father is a pretty special man. Always a paradox…like about love. It’s his greatest strength and it’s also his greatest weakness.”

 

“Why do you say that?”

 

“Because I want you to understand that you’ll never get him.”

 

“Get who?”

 

“My father,” Raven said, turning to look at Dylan who was looking uncomfortable.

 

“Why are you telling me this?” Dylan asked, wrapping one of her curls around his finger. “Maybe it’s you I fancy.”

 

“I doubt it,” Raven smiled and took a step closer to him. “You know you’re kind of pretty yourself. All cocky and sure of yourself…makes for a very sexy package and you know…you might get him.”

 

“If I wanted him…”

 

“You might catch him when he’s lonely enough, drunk enough or just plain horny enough and get him into bed…”

 

“Do you always talk about your father like this? Kind of perverted, isn’t it?”

 

“And you might keep him there for a day or two, maybe a week or a month and if you’re as good as you think you are, maybe even years but you know what?”

 

“What?” Dylan asked, slipping his hand around her waist.

 

“He’ll come home…to her…to us…because we love him.”

 

“You don’t think I can?”

 

His head tilted as he seemed to move in for a kiss.

 

“Not like she does,” Raven said, planting a hand on his chest. “No one can. She is the only one who he really knows him and frankly, you’re not man enough to handle him.”

 

“And like I said,” Dylan said, his lips a hairsbreadth from hers. “Maybe it’s you I want.”

 

“I’m spoken for,” Raven said, laughing as she stepped back. “And all I have to do is speak louder than normal and you’ll have to explain what you’re doing to a couple of overprotective vampires and my boyfriend.”

 

“It was worth a shot,” Dylan said, shrugging his shoulders with a grin. “Whatever. No skin off my nose.”

 

“You want to go patrolling with us?”

 

“Now, why would I want to do that?”

 

“Your choice,” Raven said, turning toward the kitchen. She looked back over her shoulder. “No skin off my nose if you want to stay here and contemplate the fact that at this very moment she’s upstairs fucking his brains out.”

 

Dylan followed her.

 

~~~~~~~

 

 

Spike moaned.

 

It was barely audible and he prayed she didn’t hear.

 

She did.

 

And the movements of her hips stilled.

 

“William was a very naughty boy,” Buffy whispered, rising until only the tip of his cock remained in the wet warmth of her cunt. “Now he has to lose his pleasure.”

 

Her tongue ran along his sternum sending chills through his overheated body. He watched through desperate eyes as she rose above him. Her knees were planted on either side of his hips, her eyes holding his until he caught sight of her hand slipping between her legs. He watched as her fingertips played with the very thing he was starving for.

”Do you want this?” Buffy asked, rubbing herself slowly.

 

“Yes,” Spike muttered, his mouth watering at the scene before him.

 

“Have you missed this?”

 

“God, yes…”

 

“Not God,” Buffy whispered. “Who am I?”

 

“My Buffy…my everything,” Spike pledged. “I love you.”

 

He desperately wanted to break free of the tethers and handcuffs that kept him at her mercy but he played by the rules and waited. He watched as she brought herself to orgasm then fell against him. Her breaths came in hot pants against his stomach. Each exhale a tease that sent him further into his frustration. She giggled and nipped at his hipbone.

 

Spike wanted to plead for completion but he wasn’t ‘allowed’ to speak unless spoken to. He willed himself to remain still until she was ready. It was a relief when Buffy finally sat up, straddling his thighs, her hands running along his hips.

 

“Do you want to cum?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Her fingertips brushed the underside of his cock. He had to fight the urge to buck when a fingernail was scraped across the tip. She was driving him to the brink of madness. He sucked his lower lip between his teeth to keep from screaming. And when she rose again he breathed a sigh of relief. When she slipped him back inside her heat he wanted to rejoice. She rode him hard, watching him, eyes never leaving his as she took him to completion.

 

And he didn’t move or make a sound until he ejaculated. Her walls clamped down on him taking every drop he offered and he closed his eyes in exhaustion. Buffy was a master at the games now and she never failed to take him to the extreme edge of pleasure.

 

“Wear you out, vampire?” Buffy asked, her long brunette hair brushing along his torso. She peppered kisses along his body until her face was hovering over his.

 

“Yeah, pet, you did,” Spike said, shaking his hands as she unlocked the handcuffs. He sat up and undid the leather clasps around his ankles. “But it felt good.” He leaned over to kiss her before he settled in the bed next to her. “You never fail to please me.”

 

“Learned everything from you,” Buffy whispered. Her hand drifted across his chest before resting over his heart. “Is there anything else that you desire?”

 

“Why do you ask that?” He laughed at the seriousness of her face. There really wasn’t a lot that they hadn’t tried yet and he couldn’t think of anything else that wouldn’t cross that final line into total depravity. Someplace he didn’t want to take her.

 

Her hand slid between his legs. She cupped his soft cock for a moment before sliding further down. Instinctively his legs spread as she delved beneath even his balls.

 

“Do you want this?” Buffy asked, tickling his anus.

 

“Do I want what?” Spike asked, laughing.

 

“Do you to be fucked?” Buffy asked, her finger pushing inside of him even while she blushed.

 

Spike pulled away. He stared at her for a second before shaking his head.

 

“You want to bugger me? You don’t exactly have the equipment, Luv.”

 

“There’s…other ways. Things, I mean, toys we can use.”

 

He couldn’t help but laugh again. She had to be putting him on.

 

“You want to wear a strap on and fuck me? That’s bloody hilarious. Why don’t you just ask Willow to grow you a dick?”

 

“Excuse me,” Buffy huffed, rolling off the bed. She grabbed his discarded shirt and slipped it on. “I was only trying to offer you something you might want. So, glad it’s a fucking joke with you.”

 

“You were serious?”

 

“I was but you can go to hell now,” Buffy declared, reaching into the refrigerator to grab a bottle of water.

 

Spike was waiting when she closed the door. He spun her around, pushing her against the appliance with his arms on either side of her.

 

“What is this all about, pet?”

 

“Don’t even go all evil vampire on me. It doesn’t work.”

 

“So, give me an answer.”

 

“What do you want to hear?”

 

“The truth,” Spike said, refusing to let her look away. “Why do you suddenly think I want to get fucked?”

 

“It’s just something that we’ve never done before,” Buffy said, pushing him away. “I was trying to think of a new way to please you.”

 

“Oh, come off it, Buffy, you know there’s only been one person to bugger me and that’s Angel. Never wanted anyone else to or would allow anyone else to,” Spike paused. His eyebrows met as a thought suddenly dawned on him. “I know what this is…this is about you thinking I want Dylan.”

 

“No, it’s not.”

 

She was lying though. He sighed as she stared down into her flushing face. It always came back to this. No matter how close he stayed to home she still didn’t trust him.

 

“You’re lying,” Spike said, bringing her chin up so that she was forced to look at him. “And I’m really sick of you always accusing me of wanting someone else. If I was all hot and bothered for some male ass I’d push you face down on the bed and turn out the lights.”

 

“Son of a bitch,” Buffy said, pushing him away. She headed for the couch. “It’s all one big game to you.” She suddenly whirled around to face him. “All I’m trying to do is keep you happy.”

 

“I am happy. How many bloody times do I have to tell you that? I’m happy, I love you, I want to be here…”

 

“Do you?” Buffy asked. “Do you want to be here? Then why do I always feel like I have to compete with everyone out there?”

 

“That’s your problem. Not mine,” Spike yelled, waving his arm.

 

“I’d do anything…be anyone to keep you happy and it’s not enough,” Buffy cried. “No matter what I do, how hard I try, there’s always someone that’s prettier, or younger, or fills that place inside of you that I don’t.”

 

“Is that what this is for?” Spike asked, flipping her hair. “You trying to be anyone but Buffy because you think that’s what I want.”

 

“You don’t want Buffy…you stopped loving Buffy…”

“Bloody fucking Christ, woman,” Spike screamed, falling onto his knees and throwing his arms wide. “I love you, Buffy Anne Summers Blood, I’ve pledged my life, my children, my damn blood to you and only you. How much longer are you going to keep punishing me?”

 

“And when are you going to finally forgive me?”

 

“You know what? I’m sick of this, of this continuous guilt merry-go-round we live on…”

 

“Oh, yeah, that’s it…run to the little bastard…”

 

Spike grabbed her by her arms and shook her. “I don’t want anyone but you, woman. When are you going to get that though that thick skull of yours that I love you.”

 

“I know you love me,” Buffy said, through her tears. “But it’s not enough. Not anymore.”

 

“Do you not want to be with me anymore?” Spike asked, feeling his insides freeze up under the fear that was clutching him. “Is that why you sent me away? Because you were too afraid to ask…”

 

“No, Spike, no,” Buffy said, reaching for him but he stepped back again. “I was hoping that if I sent you away you’d realize that this is really where you want to be. It all backfired on me because I sent you right into his arms.”

 

“Buffy, none of this makes sense,” Spike said, shaking his head. “You’re talking crazy.”

 

“Don’t tell me that,” Buffy screeched. “I’m not crazy.” She raised her hand as if to slap him but he beat her to it. He grabbed her and threw her in the direction of the bed. Before she had even stopped bouncing he was on top of her.

 

“Don’t ever hit me,” he snarled, pinning her down.

 

“I’m not crazy,” Buffy sobbed.

 

“Baby, I know, I know,” Spike said, sliding to lie beside her on the bed. He cupped her face and nuzzled his nose in her hair. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. What the hell happened here? I don’t want to fight with you.”

 

“All I want is to love you,” Buffy said, turning to bury her nose against his chest. “I just wish you would quit looking out there for something to make you happy.”

 

“What am I looking at…for? I’m so confused.”

 

“All I wanted was to make you happy,” Buffy cried. “You gave me my dreams and I wanted you to have yours too, but I’m not what you dream about…not anymore.”

 

“Oh, pet, don’t do this to yourself…to me…to us. Why can’t you just drop this?”

 

“Because we’re living a lie,” Buffy said, coming up on one elbow. She kissed him softly. “Baby, the truth…we can’t hide from it anymore.”

 

“Buffy, please don’t,” Spike pleaded. He didn’t want her to say it. Nothing would ever be same again.

 

“Doesn’t the truth set us free or are we on the one where we only hurt the one we love,” Buffy said, with a small smile. “Someone has to be brave enough to say it. That beneath all of our grand words of love and forever is the truth that we keep hiding from,” she took his hand and kissed the palm. “It’s all so simple really. You’re waiting for the day that you can point your finger at me and say that I betrayed you…that I’m like everyone else in your life and let you down. And I’m waiting for the day that you do point that finger and finally leave me like every other man has.” She cupped his face, tears running down her face as she leaned her forehead against his. “And no matter how much we’ve gone through together that’s the truth of our relationship.”

 

And he knew she was right.

 

Chapter 12 – Even When I’m Sleeping

 

 

 

You’re everywhere

And if they take me flying on the magic carpet

See me wave

If our communication fails I’ll reconnect it

I want to rave

No matter where the road is leading us

Remember

Don’t be afraid

We have a continent that sometimes comes between us

That’s ok

I love you…even when I’m sleeping

When I close my eyes

You’re everywhere

Leonardo’s Bride

 

 

 

“Mummy…Daddy…you awake?”

 

Spike smiled as he rolled over to find his littlest one leaning on the bed. She grinned when she realized her father was awake.

 

“It’s my birthday day,” Journey announced with happy pride. “Get up,” she pulled on the comforter. “We have lots to do.”

 

“Shhh, baby,” Spike whispered, hanging onto the only thing keeping him covered. “Mummy is still asleep.”

 

“Oh,” Journey changed to a stage whisper that didn’t really alter the volume. “I be quiet.”

 

“Morning, pumpkin,” Buffy whispered as she leaned over Spike’s side. “I’m awake…now.”

 

“Sorry,” their daughter said dutifully but her grin showed that she was anything but apologetic at waking her parents.

 

Spike slipped onto his back, putting his arm around Buffy to keep her where she was. Thankfully she didn’t move away only adjusted herself. Her head was propped on her hand that rested on his stomach. He caressed her back idly while Journey clambered up to sit beside them. His hand cradled his daughter’s back to ensure she didn’t fall off the high bed.

 

“Who else is up?” Spike asked, glancing at the clock to see that it was only a little after seven.

 

“Del got here few minutes ‘go,” Journey said. “Angel was in the bathroom and Dylan was watching cartoons.”

 

Buffy stiffened at hearing Dylan’s name but didn’t say anything. The argument the night before had ended at Buffy’s announcement. Spike didn’t want to say anything else because he couldn’t disagree with it. All he could do was take the blame and try to figure out how to prove her wrong or to make the changes that would make things good between them. He just wasn’t sure how to get through the wall that was between them.

 

“Well, sounds like it’s time for everybody to get up so we can celebrate, huh?” Spike asked.

 

“Uh, huh, let’s go,” Journey said, giggling. “I’m hungry. Del said whatever I want.”

 

“And what do you want?” Buffy asked with one brow rising as she looked at her daughter knowingly.

 

“Waffles, whipped cream, syrup, cookies and sprinkles.”

 

“Sounds like a tummy ache waiting to happen,” Spike said with a grin. “Tell you what; we’ll discuss it after I get dressed.”

 

“No, my birthday,” Journey declared, crossing her arms and sticking out her lower lip.

 

Buffy grabbed the lip and pulled playfully on it. “Doesn’t matter…you want to save room for the cake and ice cream later.”

 

Journey nodded enthusiastically and Spike knew she would give in about breakfast. Somehow Buffy always found the words to cajole their child into doing the right thing. It made him proud of the woman she had become. And he wondered why he couldn’t fully trust her because that’s what it came down to after all. He couldn’t trust that she would love him completely. Why was he stuck on the memory of the girl who wasn’t sure she wanted to be with him? Unfortunately, there wasn’t going to be any easy answers. Not this time.

 

He sighed and lifted Joy to the floor.

 

“Go sit on the bottom step,” Spike said. “Give Daddy a chance to get dressed.”

 

“’kay,” Journey said as she skipped across their room.

 

“Go back to sleep if you want,” Spike whispered, kissing Buffy’s cheek. “I’ll take care of breakfast.”

 

“I’m awake now,” she answered moving away as if the affection had only been for show.

 

Spike slipped out of bed and said, “If you want to take your time…”

 

“I will…thank you.”

 

Their eyes met from across their bed. It felt awkward between them. Almost as awkward as the feel of holding her body clad in pajamas. It was a rare night that either of them slept with anything on. And he felt rejected. He couldn’t be angry though. It was his fault they found themselves in this situation.

 

He quickly dressed in jeans and a t-shirt while Buffy headed for the bathroom. The door closed behind her and he knew the lines had been drawn between them. She wanted all of him or nothing. He stared at it for a moment before his feet took him in that direction. He wanted to break the door down and shake her even though he knew it was a mistake.

 

“You coming, Daddy?” Joy called. “Max is up…”

 

“Yeah, baby,” Spike changed his path giving one last glance at the closed door before running down the stairs.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

Buffy sighed in relief at the sound of her husband leaving. She needed some time alone and was grateful that he had given it to her. It was just too much to paste on a happy smile and be super mom and wife right now. She wished she could rewind the previous night and start all over. To be able to stop the insecurity that had led to her opening her mouth at all the wrong times.

 

It all came down the question of what was wrong with her? No matter how great her life was now there was something that took her tumbling back through the years. She stared at her reflection as she thought of all the times she realized she was alone.

 

Like the last time she had seen her father. She was still in high school. Dawn and she had gone to LA to visit him, never suspecting that when he dropped them off, waving and saying how much he loved them that they would never see him again. There were only a few phone calls more then nothing.

 

Angel telling her in the sewer of all places that it was over between them. And that he was leaving not only her but town also. Telling her that she deserved to be in the light…her a Slayer…in the light? It didn’t work…never had and never would. Didn’t he know that? Didn’t he know that she loved him with all the hope that was in her young heart and he took that hope away when he left?

 

The helicopter taking off while she screamed Riley’s name and he never looked back. She hadn’t been enough. She didn’t love him enough and he knew that.

 

And finally staring into the reflection of her eyes…the memory that tore her apart…the one that made all the other’s insignificant filled her mind.

 

~~~~~~~

 

 

November, 2001

 

 

Reality flooded her. The memories returned. Disappointment filled her every pore. She wasn’t Joan, the superhero and he wasn’t Randy, the noble vampire. They were back to being fucked up Buffy and the soulless vampire she cared about. Knowing that the dream was gone again she refused his offer of help. She was angry at him for being who he was, angry with herself for being who she was, and angry that she was once again forced back into the life she didn’t want. So, she walked away from him even though she wanted to stay…even though she knew it hurt him.

 

Later at the Magic Box she told everyone that she was going to the Bronze. She met his eyes to make sure he knew then walked away. If she was drunk, if he was pushing her into it, then she couldn’t be to blame right? But he never showed. She waited until the place closed down around her. The anger returned. She was indignant that he, the evil creature, had refused to come to her.

 

The entire way to his crypt she muttered under her breath about how much she hated him. She wanted to beat him to a pulp for doing this to her. She wanted to feel him any way she could. She wanted him.

 

The crypt door was standing ajar. She entered cautiously but there was nothing to fear except the emptiness. He was gone. Every night for a week she returned, hoping he would be sitting in his chair watching television. His sarcasm would be there in full force about her worrying about him. She would welcome that. It didn’t matter how it was between them. She needed him there. He promised until the end of the world and he was gone. Like the others. And finally she had to accept that. At the end of the week she had curled up in his empty bed with a bottle and realized she was alone again. Like always.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

“Damn it, Buffy,” she told her reflection. “He came back to you. To you. He put you back together. He loves you. You know that. So, why can’t I accept it?”

 

Because losing him was her greatest fear.

 

So, she had to fight for him. She had to show him that she was the only person that could love him the way he needed to be loved. With new resolve, Buffy hurried through her shower. Her hair was pulled back but still allowed to cascade down her back. She dressed in a baby blue pullover with a low scoop in the front and a pair of faded jeans that hung low on her hips. Clothes chosen because Spike said he liked her in them. She sprayed his favorite scent on then with a smile on her strawberry glossed lips she headed downstairs.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

The kitchen was chaos as usual. Spike stayed out of the way; leaning back against the counter and sipping his morning blood. With amusement he gazed around at the people around him. His family. Del was busy making batches of waffles to feed everyone. Max, Angel and Faith were all sitting at the table, drinking coffee and arguing good naturedly over some training schedules for the younger slayers. Journey was happily stuffing her face with waffles in the seat next to Angel. And Dylan was staying out of the way in the corner. He was holding a glass of orange juice in one hand and an egg sandwich that Del made him with the other.

 

Buffy made her way into the room. She looked almost uncertain and for some reason he couldn’t meet her gaze. It was still uncomfortable between them. She greeted everyone as she made her way to the fridge. He could feel himself tensing as he watched her pull fresh fruit out. For a moment he considered leaving the room but knew he couldn’t. This was where he belonged. Buffy stood beside him as she started to cut up the fruit for a salad. There were too many people in the room to try and talk to her so he leaned over to nip her ear. She smiled up at him and he knew it was okay for now. There would be a later to put things right again.

 

It was then that Cordelia made her way into the room. She headed for the table and Spike watched as Journey tugged on Angel’s sleeve. His sire reached over to slide the child onto his lap without hesitation. Cordelia took over the chair that Joy had previously occupied.

 

“Do you want some?” Journey asked, pushing her plate of waffles in front of Cordelia.

 

“No thank you, baby,” Cordelia responded, brushing back Journey’s hair. “I’m not feeling too good.”

 

His daughter patted Cordy’s stomach. “Is it icky?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Journey nodded and looked up to scan the room. Spike was fascinated by the exchange and continued to watch what his little scamp was going to do.

 

“Dylan,” Journey called, her eyes settling on the young man. “Fix Cordy toast and tea, please. Her tummy not feeling so good.”

 

Everyone in the room stopped talking and turned to look at Dylan. He had the classic caught in the headlights look as he stared stunned at the little girl. No one offered to come to his rescue or help him out. Not even Spike. It was a moment that Dylan would forever distance himself from Spike’s family or take a step toward being accepted by them.

 

“Here,” Buffy said quietly. She handed Dylan a loaf of bread. “Keep it light and only a very small amount of butter. I’ll make the tea.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

Spike’s heart softened as he witnessed his wife’s generosity. In spite of her insecurities and own opinion she had offered Dylan a helping hand. Had life blinded him to how much she had changed over the years? She wasn’t that young girl anymore. She was a woman that loved him and she deserved so much more than he had given her.

 

He knew it was time to face his doubts and try to find a way to overcome them. Otherwise he would lose everything he had. Spike looked up to find Dylan staring at him with knowing eyes.

 

In that moment Spike accepted he had blinded himself from the truth.

 

Chapter 13 – Someday

 

 

How the hell did we wind up like this?

Why weren’t we able to see the signs that we missed

And try to turn the tables.

Well I'd hope that since we're here anyway
That we could end up saying
Things we've always needed to say
So we could end up staying
Now the story's played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Let's rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a Hollywood horror

Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now

Nickelback

 

 

 

 

The decorating was going on in full force. Raven, Connor and the girls were busy turning the house into a four-year-old’s dream of pink ribbons and balloons. Buffy was in the kitchen with Del cutting up vegetables for the party later. Spike knew she was busy but he had to talk to her. Approaching her from the rear, he slipped his arms around her waist and kissed the curve of her neck.

 

“Do you think you can slip away with me for a little while?”

 

“Go ahead, Buffy,” Del said, gesturing toward the back door with her knife. “Faith, Max and Dylan should be back shortly and I’ll get them to help.”

 

“Okay then, Buffy said. She piled the remaining carrots onto a platter. “We’ve got the cell if someone needs us.”

Spike waited until they were halfway across the backyard before he slipped his hand in hers. Everyone knew there was tension between them and that was part of the reason he wanted to get this settled. Their daughter should have the best birthday party she could without any undue unrest.

 

Neither said anything as he led her through the cemetery. The peace between them was welcome after the night before. Spike turned his face toward the sun, letting the rays warm him. For so long this had been denied him and now it was his again.

 

“Sometimes it feels strange for me and you to be together in sunlight,” Buffy said, voicing his unspoken thoughts. She smiled up at him. The happiness in her eyes warmed him and he slipped closer to her until they were walking with their arms around each other. “I’m glad though.”

 

“Me too,” Spike answered as they came to a stop by their bench. It had seemed forever since they had been here. Their lives too caught up in the daily routine but with a smile he admitted that this was fate. In the early days of their relationship so many decisions had been made here. It only felt right to decide their future here, too.

 

Buffy settled next to him. Her legs crossed beneath her while he leaned forward on his forearms.

 

“Promise me something?”

 

“What’s that?” Spike glanced behind him to stare into eyes that were suddenly wary.

 

“Be honest. I can handle anything as long as you’re honest.”

 

“Like you were last night?”

 

“Yeah,” Buffy answered with a smile that crinkled up her nose.

 

“You were right. I hate admitting it,” Spike paused with a sigh. “But a part of me still hasn’t forgiven you for not loving me freely. I guess sometimes I wonder if you do love me or if you settled for me.”

 

“I don’t doubt your love.”

 

“I’m just a right bastard then, huh?”

 

“I don’t want to fight with you again.”

 

“God, Buffy,” Spike exclaimed, rubbing his hands over his face. “I don’t want to fight with you. I mean…are we fooling ourselves? Do we have anything to build on?’

 

“Our home, our children, friends and family,” Buffy said, putting her hand on his back. “Nine years of being together…I don’t want to lose you.”

 

Her voice was trembling and he knew he was tearing her apart.

 

“I don’t want to lose you either,” Spike said. “I want us together…I don’t want to tear apart our family.”

 

“So, how do we get past all the bad stuff?”

 

Spike didn’t know what the answer was so he didn’t say anything.

 

“Pet?”

 

“Yeah?” Buffy asked cautiously.

 

“Why did you think I wanted to be with Dylan?” Spike asked, turning to face her. “Do you really not trust me to be faithful to you?”

 

“Woodstock.”

 

“Woodstock?” Spike asked in confusion. He opened his mouth to ask for an explanation but before he utter a single word, the past shrouded his mind and he was taken back to…

 

~~~~~~~~~

 

 

August, 1969

 

 

The beat from the song My Generation weaved its spell among the thousands of young people still partying despite the fact that it was three in the morning. The atmosphere was almost serene as Spike made his way through the throng. He’d lost his sandals hours ago so the mud was squishing through his toes. They had disappeared sometime after he had eaten that young man. Ever since then the world had been a crazy kaleidoscope of sensations that he was just floating through.

 

Drusilla had disappeared with some other women early in the night. This crowd of happy, tripping kids was the perfect place for his dark princess to get lost in. They all just assumed that she was on the same drugs they were and paid no mind to her endless chatter of things that no one could see or understand. The last time he’d seen her she was dancing hand in hand in a long line that weaved around others not so energetic. She had been beautiful in the long white flowing peasant dress. Her hair flowing over her shoulders with flowers weaved through her raven locks. She was truly living up to the nickname of princess…his princess.

 

Spike was full which only added to the need to crash as the drugs worked their way through his system. Everything was spinning in slow motion.

 

“Hey, man, you look out of it,” a boy said to him. “You wanna come join us. Me and my old lady have a tent.”

 

“Sure,” Spike said, smiling at the beautiful boy in front of him. Probably not more than twenty, long blonde hair and big blue eyes and he felt his cock stir in interest. He had seen the boy earlier in the night but had lost sight of him in the crowd. It had to be fate. Sex and food served in such an innocent child. It was a perfect way to spend the last few hours before dawn. “I saw you earlier…up at the food stand.”

 

“Yeah, groovy that you remember me,” the boy said. “By the way my name is Peter.”

 

They shook hands, laughed then looped their arms around one another. Peter’s hand was warm against his flesh. His shirt had gotten lost somewhere too and the vampire had been reduced to only a pair of dirty bell bottoms that hung low on his hips. Well, that and a macramé headband that kept his curly brown locks out of his face.

 

The two males walked arm in arm toward the fringe of the people where some tents were set up for sleeping quarters. Peter held back the flap of the tent so Spike could crawl in first. The sweet scent of pot was heavy in the small space. A young woman was stretched out on a sleeping bag. Peter lay down beside her, gesturing to the other side for Spike to lie down with them.

 

“She’s going to have a baby,” Peter whispered, rubbing the soft mound of the girl’s stomach.

 

“Hi, there,” the pretty blonde girl smiled up at Spike. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes and stretched. “My name is Rainbow.”

 

“Hello,” Spike said, rubbing her belly. The child in her moved beneath his hand and he grinned at the gentle stretching motion of her belly.

 

“I think she likes you,” Peter said, sitting back up. He opened a small box and pulled out a joint which he promptly lit. “You want a hit?”

 

Rainbow sat up and leaned back against Peter. She took a hit then passed it to Spike.

 

“So did you come from England for this?” Peter asked, staring at Spike even while his hand caressed the girl’s breast.

 

“No, Dru and me, we travel around quite a bit. Don’t like to be tied down.”

 

“Know what that’s like,” Peter said. “Rainbow and I left home like last year. Been on the road ever since.”

 

“Parents just don’t understand what it’s like anymore,” Spike said, nodding. It was an old story in this generation. His mother flashed through his mind and a twinge hit him but he let it go. That was past, a distant—yet not forgotten—memory. Never one to live in things already done, he plastered on a friendly smile for the children.

 

They smiled at him like he was their best friend. So trusting with no clue as to what was on his mind. Once they finished the joint the three settled down to sleep. Rainbow was nestled between the two men and Peter was soon snoring. It was him that Spike wanted. The girl was like every other girl around. She was trying to be so blasé about this life when she really wanted to settle down. He moved closer, resting his hand on her belly feeling the child move, waiting until she responded to him. She waited for his kiss and he gave it willingly. His lips moving across her neck then he pulled her close as he sank his fangs into the sweet flesh. She gasped but didn’t struggle much. The drugs gave her little resistance to his call of death.

 

Her heart stopped and he closed her eyes before moving her to the other side of the tent. Thanking the darkness and the illusions of the night, Spike pulled Peter to him.

 

“I’ve never with a guy before,” Peter whispered but easily turned his body over to the vampire.

 

It was a different time, a different generation where lines blurred. Spike knew this. It was an endless buffet of food and sex. Peter was eager to learn. He touched as much as he was touched. The kisses were hot and heavy. Blurring into slow motion with every caress heightened a thousand times. It was a high that was indescribable as he took the boy’s virginity. Peter panted and moaned, clutching Spike to him.

 

“Like it don’t you,” Spike asked, driving harder and harder into the heated flesh. He was losing control and he roared when he finally came. Peter was still hard.

 

“Rainbow is waiting for you,” Spike whispered with a final kiss. He pulled his pants up, fastening them as he walked out of the tent. With a smile he went to look for Drusilla. It was time to get out of there.

 

“Oh, my God,” Peter cried. “What did you do? Oh, god, Rainbow…wake up, please wake up…Diana, don’t leave me.”

 

An endless scream followed Spike but he’d gotten what he wanted; the beautiful boy….

 

~~~~~~~~

 

 

…from his past that he had wanted the first time he had seen him.

 

And the beautiful man in his present that wanted him.

 

Buffy’s meaning had become clear to him. The uncanny resemblance between the boy and the man sent a shiver down his spine. Buffy knew his darkest secrets, his deepest desires and she knew what he had tried to deny. Dylan was his ‘type’. The ones that attracted him back in the days when taking what he wanted was only a game. A pastime that was only fit to amuse him when he was bored.

 

But those days were gone.

 

This time the words came easy.

 

“You were right, Buffy,” Spike confessed with a laugh. “There was a time when seducing Dylan would be what I wanted. He would be a toy that I would use to while away the time. Back when time didn’t mean anything. It stretched out in front of me like it would never end.” He hesitated and turned to look into his wife’s eyes. “Those days are gone though. And yes, I’ve been denying it, tried to hide from it, but you always know the truth somehow.” He shrugged. “I’m not the one to overanalyze things. Writing those books is the only time that I’ve really spent time reliving the past. It’s gone and nothing can change it.”

 

“And now that…”

 

“We’ve been through this,” Spike cut her off then sighed. “All right, yes, I’ll admit to that too. There are times when I can feel that Dylan wants me. I feel it, smell it but,” Spike hesitated and looked into his wife’s eyes. “But I don’t want him. He can’t give me what I need.”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“Love…unconditional love,” Spike whispered, returning his gaze to his clasped hands. “I’ve always been love’s bitch. Always begging everyone, someone to love me, to accept me as I am but no one did.”

 

Neither spoke the name of the woman that might have. The woman that almost tore them apart, but even though he had made his choice, it seemed she was still there. With her had begun the journey down this seemingly unending road they were on.

 

“You don’t think I can?” Buffy asked softly but yet there was steel in her tone.

 

“Can you?” Spike asked as he stood to gaze down at her. His beautiful Slayer shone in the afternoon sun. She was an untouchable goddess that had come to him when she had hit the ground and he had helped her to stand again…to run again. Still after all these years he could still felt like the dirt beneath her feet and be unable to accept that she could really love him.

 

So, many times they had hurt each other, tried to kill each other, promises made in battle, and in the heat between them. She had spurred him to make decisions that he never thought he would, regaining his soul, giving up immortality and their children. Their baby…his joy…it was all because of her. Because he wanted to find a way to prove worthy of her heart but she didn’t care about those things. All his mate wanted was his unconditional love.

 

Something he seemed unable to give.

 

Buffy met him toe to toe. Her hand cupped his face, caressing him with her thumb.

 

“The woman I am was forged by your love,” Buffy said, tears filling her eyes. “It’s like you said last night. I am your wife, your mate, the mother of your children and always your woman. I’ve given you your freedom. Let you make your choices…”

 

“Then why did you send me away?” Spike cried and something echoed in his mind. Another’s cry… Oh, god, Rainbow…wake up, please wake up…Diana, don’t leave me. Was this his punishment? Was all his striving for good not enough? Was he to walk the same road that he had sent countless others on? No, the Powers had favored him and he pushed the thought aside. “Everything’s been fine for years. This fighting and shit all started because you decided that it was better for us if I wasn’t here.”

 

“I only want you beside me,” Buffy said simply.

 

He had been sent away because Buffy knew something he didn’t. Because she had seen something that she couldn’t share. Raven knew of it, too. It rocked him to his core as the last of his blinders fell away. The truth that he wanted to hide from was now so real it was if it was carved in stone. The longer he had been away from home and the safe cocoon he’d created, the more he felt the need to finish something. Something was calling to him. He needed to find it and put an end to this once and for all.

“I’m sorry,” Spike said, pulling Buffy against him. “I’m so sorry…I don’t want to go but I know I need to. It’s the only way.”

 

“I know, William, I know.”

 

Spike pulled back so he could look into her eyes. “I love you, Buffy, only you. I’m going to come back to you because the only thing I see at the end of this road is you.”

 


Chapter 14 - The Unicorn Song

 

 

When I was growing up my best friend was a unicorn

The others smiled at me and called me crazy

But I was not upset by knowing I did not conform

I always thought their seeing must be hazy.

The unicorn and I would while away the hours

Playing, dancing, and romancing in the wild flowers

And we’d sing,

Seeing is believing in the things you see

Loving is believing in the ones you love

Peter, Paul & Mary

 

 

 

Apparently he had never seen anything like it before. Even Max had to admit it was impressive. They were stacked to the ceiling in a wide variety of colors and size. Dylan let out a soft whistle as he gazed around the large toy store.

 

“It’s not that bad,” Max said, with a chuckle. “Most of them don’t bite.”

 

“Yeah, but they beep, whistle, screech, run over your toes, or can be propelled at your head at a hundred miles an hour,” Faith said, with a smile. “Especially in the hands of a four-year-old.”

 

“I didn’t think that picking something out for her would be that hard,” Dylan said, shaking his head. “I wish I had asked Spike what to get her.”

 

“Who got his list from Buffy,” Max said, patting the younger man on his back. “It was her you should have asked.”

 

Dylan only made a sound that sounded like a combination of a laugh and a grunt. The relationship between the Slayer and Spike’s new partner was rocky at best and almost hostile at its worst. Buffy seemed to be more accepting of Dylan since breakfast, but there was still standoffishness about her when it came to him. Max didn’t think Dylan would ever be considered family but as Spike’s family and friends it was their duty to at least get along with him. Well, at least until they found that something that would prove their suspicions correct.

 

“So, any clues, guys?” Dylan asked, looking back and forth between Max and Faith. “Cuz I am at a loss here.”

 

It was Max’s turn to shake his head. The only reason he was even there was because he refused to let Faith go anywhere alone with the blonde. It wasn’t that she couldn’t take care of herself, but because he was afraid that she might get interested. Dylan seemed to be more her ‘type’ than he would ever be. And of course it had nothing to do with the fact that he wanted her back. That was a done deal, he told himself as they moved over to look at the dolls.

 

“Does she have any baby dolls?” Dylan asked.

 

“Okay,” Faith laughed, tossing her hair over her shoulder with a slight thrust of her chest outwards that Dylan couldn’t miss. “We are talking about Journey here. The daughter of a Slayer and a vampire whose favorite past time is to pretend she is patrolling.”

 

“Yeah, with Candy the first Slayer dog beside her,” Max added, breaking into Faith’s flirting. He innocently raised an eyebrow when Faith flashed him a dirty look.

 

“So, nothing too girly or frilly right,” Dylan said, giving Faith an appraising look, lingering for a moment on the swell of her breasts before moving down to her hips encased in black leather.

 

“Nope, that’s not exactly true either,” Max said in an effort to stop the other man’s visual feasting on the Slayer. “She’s Buffy’s daughter so she is very feminine.” He glanced at Faith. “She’s just a very tough feminine.”

 

“This is going to be fun,” Dylan muttered under his breath while looking decidedly helpless. “I should have stayed in LA.”

 

“Nope,” Faith said, casting Max a look that was filled with hurt and anger. “You need to mingle with Spike’s family. Show us how wonderful you are.”

 

“Yeah, sure,” Dylan said, throwing his arm around her shoulder and throwing Max a look of triumph. “Come on. Let’s see if we can find the kid a present.”

 

It took Max a second to follow them down the aisle especially when Faith put her arm around the punk’s waist. What was she doing? Last night she was badmouthing him to everyone and today she was falling all over him. Anger bubbled under the surface but he refused to let it out. He pushed it away into that part of him where he hid things that he didn’t want to deal with. With an easy gait he followed them as they wandered through the store.

 

They looked briefly at video games but they were dismissed. The Blood house had tons of games and they couldn’t be guaranteed to pick one out that they either didn’t already have or someone else had gotten. It was the same with books and games. Spike and Buffy were generous with their children and with the large family there was never a shortage of presents.

 

“Maybe I should just get a gift certificate or something?” Dylan asked, looking around.

 

Thankfully the walking arm-in-arm had settled down to handholding so Max had relaxed a little. He looked around the store once more, determined they wouldn’t leave empty handed. He knew if Dylan didn’t get Journey the right present it would never be forgotten. It wasn’t that she was greedy. A flower picked from the garden or even something that had been made for her could bring a delighted smile to her face. It’s just that it was her birthday and she felt it was her right to be adored on that day.

 

“Come on,” Max said with a small sigh. “I know something that she would probably like.”

 

“Oh, and you bring it up now,” Faith snapped. “Now that we’ve wandered through this store twice and have found nothing.”

 

Max shrugged. “Eh, I thought it would be better if it came from Dylan’s view but since that…since he’s inexperienced buying presents for princesses, I’ll help.”

 

“Thanks ever so,” Dylan said, and even his smile couldn’t hide the sarcasm in his tone. “I appreciate it.”

 

“No problem,” Max said, leading them to the costume aisle. “Look she’s got a vivid imagination and likes to play dress up a lot. See,” He picked up a package of large scarves in bright colors. “Like with these she can build a tent or drape them around her.” He dropped them and pointed to the different outfits on display. “Or something like this so she has all the accessories for whatever game she’s interested in.”

 

“This is actually cool,” Faith said as she stared entranced at the costumes. “I never got stuff like this when I was kid.”

”It would have been a lot of fun, wouldn’t it?” Dylan said. He turned his glance to Max. “Bet you had all the cool toys, huh?”

 

Max only shrugged but knew he was on the outside again because Dylan was right. His childhood had been idyllic with all the right things to make them look like everyone else on the block. He crossed his arms and stepped back as the other two made selections. A part of him gave way as he listened to Faith talk about the different costumes and the games she played in her childhood. The curtains, sheets and her mom’s old castoffs that she had used to fill her make believe hours.

 

It was too much for Max. It hurt him to hear the pain in her voice and wished she’d let him make it better. He’d give her anything she wanted and would dress her anyway she wanted to. He wanted to see her smiling and happy but knew he wouldn’t give up his pride to do it. No, maybe he would if he thought it would do any good.

 

“What do you think?” Faith asked, holding a couple of items out for his inspection.

 

“Perfect,” Max said, and meant it.

 

They had kept the scarves and had added a pirate’s costume complete with eye patch and plastic sword along with a more traditional girl set which Journey could use to pretend to be several different characters. The little girl would be ecstatic over the choice and it would give her hours of play with them.

 

“Great,” Dylan said. “Let’s get this stuff paid for and we can go get some lunch before we head back.”

 

“Sounds good,” Faith said, with a smile. “I know the perfect spot.”

 

Faith’s perfect spot turned out to be a small sports bar in the middle of downtown. Somehow though it was romantic to her and Dylan, as they drank beer, played pool and ate burgers. The flirtation was going full force between the two and by the time they left, Max was fuming. She was deliberately rubbing his nose in their differences. It wasn’t going to work and he really hoped she wasn’t going to do anything stupid, like sleep with this jerk just to prove a point.

 

Max barely waited until the jeep stopped in the driveway before he took off. He needed some serious cooling down time before he would say something he’d regret.

 

“Max, wait a minute,” Faith called before he was even halfway across the backyard. “I want to talk to you.”

 

Sighing, he stopped, hands on his hips as he waited. She wanted to gloat, cause a scene or make sure his heart was a little more broken and he was going to let her. Just like the fool that he was. He watched as Dylan went by him wearing a smirk. He closed his eyes as he waited for her to start and he almost smiled when she didn’t disappoint.

 

“What was that?” Faith asked.

 

“Just doing what you wanted,” Max said, feeling the man slip behind the cold mask of the agent. It seemed a part of him was determined to not let her break his heart anymore, after all. It was a surprise to him but then he was trained to not show emotions so he let it be. “It was the whole purpose of that performance this afternoon, wasn’t it?”

 

“Performance?” Faith asked, stepping closer to him. “It wasn’t a performance. I like him and think he’s hot. Is there a problem with that?”

 

“Yeah, when he’s the guy who’s causing trouble in Buffy’s marriage or don’t you care?”

 

“If he’s paying attention to me then he won’t be causing trouble, now will he?”

 

“You’ll regret it,” Max said, lowering his eyes to mask his sadness.

 

It wasn’t really what he meant to say but he was running out of options. Faith was too stubborn for her own good and he knew that the chances of her sleeping with Dylan had just risen. She’d do it just to prove a point. Not to him but to her. She’d do it to show that she really didn’t care about Max.

 

“Don’t interfere in my life,” Faith spat. “You’re the one who walked away from me.”

 

“All because Angel wouldn’t approve of me…”

 

“No,” Faith interrupted with a laugh. “That’s not the reason. Get that through your head. Look at me, Max.” She stepped back and threw her arms wide. “I’m not in your league and I don’t want to be. The only reason I’m out of prison is because the Watcher’s Council pulled some strings. I’ve seen things. Done things that you…”

 

“What, Faith?” Max said, grabbing her wrist and pulling her so close that he could feel the heat of her breath. “The fact that you killed a man when you were in the middle of a battle makes you unworthy to be loved. I know who you are but you’ve never taken a real look at me. You have no clue who I really am. I’ve looked men and demons in the eye then taken their lives. I never asked if they deserved it or if they were good or bad. I did it because I was ordered to. Because someone felt they were a threat to the common good. Now, what does that make me?”

 

He didn’t wait for an answer. He didn’t need one. He turned away from her stunned expression to head for the cemetery. The only thing he wanted then was something to pound on, a strong drink or a hard fuck. It wasn’t likely that he would get any of them so he took off running. His friends knew some of the things that he had done while in service of The Guardians but rarely did he talk about it. Buffy and Spike knew because they were among the few people that were privy to his past.

 

Love was a crazy thing, he thought as he caught a glimpse of Buffy and Spike kissing on their bench. It was never over with when you found the one who fascinated your very soul. And he wondered if he would ever stop loving Faith.

 

~~~~~~~

 

The rule was that she couldn’t open her presents until everyone had finished their cake and ice cream. Journey was convinced it was going to take forever for that to happen. She eyed the pile of presents waiting on the table and she could feel her fingers itch with the need to rip them open. She wondered if Daddy had remembered the sequined purse she had spotted in the mall while visiting Angel.

 

It was apparent that there was going to be lots of new stuff to play with. Mummy had made her go through her toys earlier this week and pick out which ones to get rid of. They would be donated to some kids who didn’t have any. That was okay with her but she didn’t understand why their Mummy’s and Daddy’s didn’t get them presents. She decided that when Daddy was tucking her into bed she’d ask him why.

 

She picked up her milk glass and took a big drink while scanning the room. Aunt Faith was barely eating her cake because she was too busy making goo-goo eyes at Dylan. Her eyes narrowed when she looked at him. He made her nervous. She didn’t think he really liked her. It was fine with her. Mummy didn’t like him either. Daddy did. She put her glass down and continued around the room. Raven, Sean and the other kids were almost done then there was Angel and Aunt Cordy. She wasn’t eating very much but Joy knew it wouldn’t affect the opening of the presents. Aunt Cordy never ate very much anymore besides she’d given the little girl her present earlier in the afternoon.

 

Journey patted the locket hanging around her neck. On one side was a picture of her parents and on the other side was a picture of her Angel. Aunt Cordy had taken her on her lap and told her a story about the little girl’s future. It convinced Joy that Aunt Cordy was her fairy godmother just like the one in Sleeping Beauty who saw the baby’s future. Except in Joy’s future there wasn’t horrible needles and sleep. Aunt Cordy said that she had a very special future to live. She knew because she’d had one of her visions about it. She had also made Joy promise to help look after Angel. He would need her in the years to come. Journey thought the promise was silly because there wasn’t a need to promise something she already planned on doing.

 

Eyeing her plate, Journey tilted it toward her and scooped the last bite of ice cream into her mouth. She wiped her mouth on her napkin then turned to her parents who were sitting next to her. Mummy was sitting with her legs over Daddy’s and was feeding him ice cream. She patted Daddy’s arm to get his attention then held her arms out. There was no doubt that she would be lifted onto their laps where she would be cuddled and kissed.

 

“You getting sleepy, Luv?” Daddy whispered in her ear before kissing her cheek.

 

She shook her head and pointed to her presents.

 

“Silly man,” Mummy giggled. “There’s no way she’s going to sleep until after she’s collected her bounty.”

 

Their arms were around her and she laid her head against Mummy’s chest. She could hear her heart beating like it always did around Daddy. A little faster just like the way Mummy breathed. Raven said it was a man woman thing she would understand when she grew up but she knew. It was because Mummy loved Daddy. She wished Daddy wouldn’t go away anymore because Mummy was sad when he was gone and so, was she.

 

“Hello, Joyness,” Angel said, coming over. “You ready to open the presents?”

 

“Uh-huh,” Joy said, sitting up and patting the table. “I want to open yours first.”

 

She flashed him her prettiest smile and was rewarded with her uncle going to the pile and retrieving one for her. The others quickly gathered around, taking seats on anything that was handy or on the floor once the chairs ran out. Joy squirmed under the attention but forgot about it when she pulled the wrapping away. It was a silver mirror and brush set just like the ones the fairy princesses used.

 

Yep, it was a great birthday and she looked up to await the next present to be handed to her

Chapter 15 – Dream On

 

 

 

 

The past is gone

It went by like dusk to dawn

Isn’t that the way

Everybody’s got their dues in life to pay

Yeah, I know nobody knows

Where it comes and where it goes

I know it’s everybody’s sin

You got to lose to know how to win

Dream yourself a dream come true

Dream on, dream on, dream on

And dream until your dream comes true

Aerosmith

 

 

 

 

It’s always the smallest things that bring the greatest joy. That’s why Spike nicknamed his youngest daughter Joy. She brought him a sense of self that no one else could. There was no past to contend with, no previous needs that he couldn’t fulfill. He was everything to her. Her father, her friend, her god and she doted on him like no one else. It was amazing but he wasn’t threatened by her love for his grand-sire. He had created this small being, his body, his heart and soul and she would always belong to him first.

 

Maybe it was selfish to think that way but when everything and everyone else came with a price and compromise it was gave him comfort when nothing else did.

 

“And they lived happily ever after,” Spike read softly. He closed the book and laid it on the nightstand.

 

“No, they didn’t,” Joy said with a smile. “Mummy says no one does.”

 

“Why did she say that?” Spike asked, wondering what conversation had prompted his wife to destroy such innocent belief in their child. He put one hand down on the bed beside her so that he was looking down at Journey.

 

“Because love takes work and that’s what makes you happy,” Joy said, patiently. “It’s all the stuff you do to make people happy that makes you happy.”

“Oh,” Spike said. “You mean, like reading you a bedtime story or when you pick up your toys so Mummy doesn’t have to.”

 

“Yep.” Journey nodded her head vigorously. “Does reading to me make you happy?”

 

“Very much so,” Spike whispered, leaning down to kiss her cheek. “And it’s time for you to go to sleep.”

 

“Daddy?”

 

“Yeah, pumpkin?”

 

“Why do some Mummy’s and Daddy’s not give toys to their kids?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Mummy made me give my old toys ‘way. She said some little girls and boys don’t have any. Why don’t they have any?”

 

“Some parents don’t have a lot of money so they can’t buy them. They spend the money on making sure they have a place to live and food to eat.”

 

“Oh, will you always be able to buy me toys?”

 

“I don’t know sweetheart. I hope so but I promise I’ll always take care of you.”

 

“Are you going to come home soon to stay? Mummy is sad and so am I that you’re not here to tuck us in at night.”

 

He smiled at the thought of tucking Buffy in. It gave him all sorts of illicit images that he shouldn’t be having at the moment. He looked up and saw her standing in the doorway. Her eyes were a deep shade of jade, letting him know that she was having the same thoughts as he was.

 

“I’m going to come home to stay as soon as I can. Daddy has to take care of a few things but I’m coming back.”

 

“Okay. Mummy says I shouldn’t make you promise, but you’re not going to go away for good are you? Rona says her Daddy left home and never came back. He didn’t love her mommy anymore. Rona thinks that he stopped loving her, too.” Joy gazed up at him with big eyes as she worried her bottom lip waiting for an answer.

 

Thoughts of Hank Summers came rushing to him and how his abandonment had affected both Buffy and Dawn as he stared down into the worried face of his daughter. It tore at him that his baby would think that he might not love her or her mother anymore. He pushed her hair away from her face, letting his fingers drift down her cheek as he swallowed back the emotion that was choking him.

 

“No baby, I love your mother very much. And I do promise I’ll always come back to you,” Spike said then held his hand up while putting the other one on her precious bear. “I vow that I will come home to you and your mother and the rest of the family.” He smiled. “Now, see you didn’t make me. I wanted to. And since it was made on teddy, I have to keep it. Teddy Bears never lie.”

 

Journey grinned then scrambled out from under the covers, pushing him aside when he tried to catch her. “I’ve gotta give you somefin’,” she declared as she made a dash to her vanity in the corner.

 

Spike watched as she opened the sequined purse he had given her for her birthday. She pulled out a small pouch and returned to him.

 

“Hold your hands out, Daddy.”

 

Spike dutifully cupped his hands out in front of him and tried to hide a smile at the serious expression on her small face. She opened the pouch and dumped it into his hand. There were a few coins, a necklace, a cross, and several beads that had to have once been another necklace or a bracelet.

 

“Angels dropped these when they came to take the people home,” Joy said. Her little voice filled with awe. “I found them out in back when I was taking walks. Raven says they’re good luck because of the angels dropping them.”

 

His heart ached as he stared down at the small treasures in his hand. He glanced up at Buffy for a moment. She knew about the lies told to their daughter to protect her. Most likely the ‘treasures’ were dropped by people attacked by vampires or other demons in the cemetery.

 

“I want you to carry them for luck cuz you need to come home to us.”

 

“I will, Journey, I will,” Spike said, carefully putting the treasures back in their pouch. “Get back in bed.”

 

This time Journey crawled beneath the covers without any more questions. She hugged her father tight, kissing his cheek before pulling her teddy bear close. Spike turned the light off, adjusted the nursery monitor, and stepped outside. Buffy was immediately in his arms.

 

“I think that you are the best father in the whole world and I love you for it,” Buffy said, pressing kisses to his face and neck. He pulled her close and buried his face in her shoulder.

 

“I know you do,” Spike said, he could see it radiating from her eyes. “Tonight I have no doubts.”

 

He scooped her up and headed for the stairs to their bedroom. There would be no games but only love between them this night.

 

~~~~~~~~

Dylan knew where she was. He knew that she was upset by her earlier argument with Max. He knew because he had shamelessly overheard every word. Division among the ranks and he suppressed a smile at how easy it was as he stepped onto the back porch. And Faith was right. If everyone thought that he was pursuing her then there wouldn’t be any suspicions of his plans for Spike.

 

His Spike.

 

She glanced up at him then quickly away. He slipped his hands in his back pocket.

 

“Hi, you okay?”

 

“I’m fine,” Faith said. Her hand wrapped around the chain on the swing.

 

“Mind if I sit?” Dylan asked, cocking his head toward her. She shrugged so he took it as a yes and sat beside her. “Are you sure you’re okay? You’ve been quiet since we got back this afternoon.”

 

The woman shrugged and it made Dylan want to sigh. He steeled himself. He could do it. Seduction was his art. It had been since he first used his looks and body to get what he wanted. Since then he had honed it to perfection even playing the lost little boy to Spike’s need to protect someone. Research paid off.

 

“It’s amazing what some people think,” he said rather nonchalantly.

 

“What people think what?” Faith asked.

 

She shifted in the swing so that she was facing him. He looked down, acting like he was hesitating as he picked a thread on his worn jeans.

 

“Don’t start something if you’re not going to finish,” Faith said with an edge of annoyance creeping into her voice. She started to turn again but he stopped her with a hand on her arm.

 

“Look, I’m sorry,” Dylan said. He sighed. “I don’t want to step in where I’m not wanted. It’s pretty clear that something is going on between you and Max.”

 

“Was going on,” Faith said, looking down. “He broke up with me not too long ago.”

 

“Do you love him?” Dylan asked, slipping his hand onto her shoulder in a comforting manner. “I know it’s none of my business but…”

 

She shrugged. “I like him a lot. He just makes me uncomfortable.”

 

“Yeah, I understand. I think you and I are cast from pretty much the same mold. You like the simple things. I mean, seriously who gives a fuck which fork you use as long as the soddin’ food gets in your mouth,” Dylan paused, watching Faith’s reactions. There was a trace of a smile on her lips so he continued. “And man, who wants to drink wine anyway. Beer is just as good.”

 

“It’s not that bad,” Faith said. Probably out of loyalty to the man who had her tied up in knots. “I’m just not…”

 

“Comfortable in those scenes,” Dylan said. “And he shouldn’t expect you to change.” He brushed her hair back, letting his fingers linger over the ends. He lifted his eyes to hers. Let it look like he was hesitant again then said in a rush, “I think you’re terrific the way you are.” He quickly looked away.

 

Faith laughed but her hand rested on his leg. “Thank you. It’s good to hear that.”

 

The sound of a car door from someone in front of the house alerted them that they weren’t alone. Dylan could hear the footsteps coming along the side of the house. A whiff of cologne and he knew it was Max returning from the errand he had run.

 

With no time for finesse, he cupped the back of Faith’s neck and leaned forward. Apparently she hadn’t been paying attention to what was going on around them because she just looked at him in surprise. The first contact of their lips was brief. The second she met him halfway, letting their mouths linger. He needed a second more as the figure moved soundlessly around the porch. Dylan wrapped an arm around her, pulling her closer, and teasing her lips with the tip of his tongue. Footsteps sounded on the steps and they pulled apart.

 

Yep, it was Max.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

Max stared at the kissing couple for a second in disbelief. They pulled apart and he watched as Faith wiped her mouth. His eyes darted to Dylan. The kid was wearing what was supposed to be a look of shame but he saw it. The smugness in the depths of his eyes and he knew Dylan was playing Faith. It really didn’t matter though. Faith had let him. The embarrassment was clear on her face. He didn’t care or at least he tried to tell himself that. Without saying anything he turned and walked into the house.

 

The door slammed behind him. Fury swept past his carefully constructed walls and his training as an agent. The hurt was beyond almost anything he had ever felt. It shook him down to his very core. After years of being alone, one woman had bulldozed her way into his heart, and was now destroying him.

 

“Can’t stand to lose out?” Angel asked quietly.

 

Max looked around to find the vampire in the corner of the kitchen. Leaning casually against the counter, drinking what was probably blood. His taunt was the last straw. Propriety and honor lost the battle that was warring in Max’s heart. He didn’t even care that Angel might finally lose whatever restraints he had regarding him. All Max cared about was that everything he believed in was slowly crumbling around him. And what he thought was the best choices in his life were turning out to be the worst. Worse than the numbness that service with the Guardians had brought him.

 

“Am I so bad that you prefer Faith with that loser?” Max asked. He stepped closer to the vampire. “I mean at least I would have loved her instead of just wanting what’s between her legs.”

 

It was all Angel needed. Max found himself pinned to the wall with the vampire’s hand pressing down on his throat. He laughed. It didn’t matter. Maybe Angel would break it and all his misery would be over with. At least he would be with Brianna again.

 

“Don’t talk about Faith like that.” Angel growled. He shook his head, letting the vampire slip over his face.

 

“So, have the two of you made plans for when Cordelia dies?” Max asked, feeling the pressure increase. Not caring he continued, “I mean are you going to at least wait a respectable mourning period or are you just going to go for it?”

 

“Give me one reason for not killing you,” Angel said. “Because you just overstepped the bounds, boy.”

 

“I have? That’s good, Angel old man,” Max said with a sneer. “I’m not the one with a dying wife and a pretty young thing waiting in the wings to take her place. I mean that is why Faith wouldn’t be with me.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

The grip around his neck loosened.

 

“I mean that Faith fancies herself in love with you,” Max said, clearing his throat. “She’s hoping that she’ll be next in line for your affections. And since you seem to encourage her, I figured maybe she’s right.”

 

The look on Angel’s face told Max everything he needed to know. Angel hadn’t a clue about how Faith felt or what she wanted. Either that or he had deliberately blinded himself. It didn’t matter. He didn’t want Faith’s heart. Angel stepped back. His face slipping back into human guise as the grief covered his features instead. Max almost felt sorry for him but not enough to stop. The vampire should know everything.

 

“Yeah, she was with me to while away the time,” Max said a little calmer than before. “I guess she’s moved onto someone else who is a little more willing to just be a toy until it’s time.” He chuckled. “Because I don’t think that Dylan could care about anyone else as much as he cares about himself.”

 

“Leave me alone,” Angel said.

 

Max nodded. Now he was feeling guilty for bursting Angel’s bubble about Faith, for letting his emotions have the better of him for the second time in one day and for not being the man he wanted to be. He headed straight out the front door and to his car. The only thing he wanted at that point was a bottomless glass of scotch.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

How had he missed it? Was Max telling the truth? Did Faith really want him? Was he encouraging her without meaning to? Did Cordelia know?

 

Oh, god, he hoped Cordelia didn’t know or suspect something that was the furthest thing from his heart. He had been a fool for years. He had wasted so much time running from the love he had for the woman that was now his wife. And now they had so precious little time left. He didn’t want anything to mar whatever happiness he could give Cordelia in the short time they had left.

 

It had to stop now.

 

Angel headed for the back door. He ignored the murmurs of the couple still talking on the swing. The touches they gave and the arousal coming off of both of them.

 

“Leave now, Dylan,” Angel said. “I need to talk to Faith.”

 

“Angel, what’s wrong?” Faith asked, jumping up. “Has something happened?”

 

“I said leave, pup,” Angel barked. “And get far enough away that I won’t smell or hear you.”

 

It was a warning. He had caught the young man skulking around the house, listening in, or getting into things he shouldn’t have over the last couple of days. He had already decided he needed to have a serious talk with Spike about it but he wanted to wait until they got to LA. No reason to upset Buffy or the kids unless he had to.

 

Dylan looked at Faith and she nodded. Getting her permission to leave them alone and it almost made Angel laugh. Even if she said no, Angel would still have his way. The young man thought he was all powerful but he wasn’t. Not to a centuries old vampire who had seen and killed dozens of Dylan’s kind over the years.

 

The situation was too sensitive though so Angel waited until the back door shut behind Dylan. He waited until Dylan had moved beyond the kitchen before he looked up at Faith. She looked worried and a little scared.

 

“Everyone is all right,” Angel said, glad for the relief that showed on her face. He didn’t want to hurt her but he had to. “I was talking to Max about you.”

 

“God damn it,” Faith said. “Why was he whining to you?”

 

“He wasn’t. He was letting me in on a few things.”

 

The fear was back. He wanted to comfort her so he took a step back. So, many times the two of them had wavered on the line that would take them beyond friendship. Always he had stopped. Faith was beautiful, courageous, and now that she was on the right path, a great woman. It hurt him to admit even to himself but she would never be Cordelia or even Buffy. Not in his heart. Never in his heart and it wouldn’t be fair to her to always be second best.

 

“Like what?”

 

“Faith, I’m probably going to say this all wrong but,” Angel stopped, sighing as he searched for the words. “I love Cordelia with everything that I am and have. She took a lost vampire and made him a champion. She kicked my ass when I needed it, comforted me when I needed it and has always stood by me. She’s taken my shit, my moods, my dark side and loved me in spite of them. When she is…,” he swallowed back a sob. “When she is gone, I am going to grieve for a long time. There is no way that I could let anyone get close to me. Not even someone who has…”

 

“Someone who has what?” Faith spat. “Someone who’s been your friend and only your friend. You’ve got quite an ego there, Angel.”

 

It had gone wrong. He knew it would and he didn’t want to lose the friendship, too. His mind searched for a way to make this come out all right. And only came up lacking as Faith continued to tell him how wrong he was. Her words though only proved him right.

 

~~~~~~~

 

It was quiet. Almost too quiet and Cordelia pulled the afghan tight around her body. She hated it when she was alone. She didn’t want to be alone. Not when death was lingering so close. It was her only fear. Angel wouldn’t be holding her when she finally slipped away. She shook her head. Self-pity wasn’t going to do anything and Angel was doing the best he could. He was beside her more everyday. How did a vampire become so caring? She smiled because she knew it was love. It had worked its magic on a self-involved girl with an Academy Award for a goal. She had no regrets.

 

Footsteps sounded in the hallway.

 

“Hello,” she called.

 

“Hey,” Dylan said a second later. He leaned on the door jamb. “Are you okay? Do you need anything?”

 

It was strange that with everyone else he seemed to be faking his emotions and concern, but with her though she could feel the sincerity in his words.

 

“I’m just being all maudlin,” Cordelia said. “Come sit with me for a minute.”

 

“Is there anything I can do?” Dylan asked as he took a seat on the couch next to her.

 

“Yeah, there is,” she smiled at him.

 

“What’s that?”

 

“Quit trying so hard.” Cordelia said, thoughtfully. “You have a chance to be a part of a family here. A family that will be remembered for centuries because of what they have accomplished. You could a part of it if you quit trying to tear it apart.”

 

She watched his reactions carefully, the emotionless face, the shuttering of the eyes and the slight twitch in his hand. She had hit a nerve.

 

“I’m not trying to do that,” Dylan said, politely. “I’m sorry that you think that I am but all I’m trying to do is get along with everyone.”

 

Cordelia chuckled. “You’re really quite good but I’m not buying. Look, kid, you’re staying in a house with an empath, a Slayer with prophetic dreams and visions and me who gets visions directly from the powers that be. Who lately, by the way, have been really generous in letting me see things concerning my family. So, I know you hit on Raven last night, you’re hitting on Faith today, and you’re creating a wedge between Buffy and Spike. Do I have this right?”

 

“Look, Raven was playing with me, I was just playing back. She’s a kid, Spike’s kid and I wouldn’t do anything like that to him. Faith is an adult, she’s free and I like her and I’m sorry about Max but he couldn’t hold her,” Dylan stopped for a breath. “And as for Buffy and Spike, their marriage has a lot of problems that have nothing to do with me. I don’t want to see my friend get hurt and if she’s that insecure then,” he stopped with a shrug.

 

“You’re lying,” Cordelia said. “You’re very good but not quite good enough. I’m the queen of acting the way you want people to see you. It’s a heavy burden to carry.”

 

“I’m sorry you’ve gotten the wrong impression of me. I like you and I was hoping we could be friends,” Dylan said, standing.

 

“Sit, Dylan. We are friends. Friends tell each other the truth,” she stopped until he sat again. “I know the burdens you carry. I’ve been shown them. And I know that although you’re not really evil, you are susceptible to its charms. It’s very seductive I know. You have a shot of a family here but you have to stop this path you’re on. You have to choose to fight on the side of good.”

 

~~~~~~~~

 

The words slammed into him. Words that had been said to him once before and didn’t mean anything. Life was what you made it and he wanted the best. He stood up and stared down into eyes that knew him to well. He couldn’t afford to let her see any more.

 

Dylan stood again. “Lady, I do respect you but back off. You don’t know shit about me or my life or what I want. I don’t know what kind of hallucinations those drugs are giving you but you’re wrong.”

 

Without waiting for a reply he turned and left the room. He felt like he was being suffocated. Everything was off kilter. Who else knew? Had he blinded himself to being able to play the game? He needed to get out, away from this house that was beginning to creep him out. He headed out the back door, interrupting Faith and Angel in a heated conversation. And he thought why the hell not?

 

“Faith, I need to get out of here. You want to go with me?”

 

She hesitated then reached for his outstretched hand.

 

“Yeah, get me out of here.”

 

“Faith, wait,” Angel called as they hurried through the backyard. “Don’t do something stupid.”

 

Victory. Small but it warmed his heart. The rest would come. Dylan knew he just needed to regroup and soon everything would be back on track.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

Oh, god, how could kissing make her just want to melt into a big pile of goop? She pressed herself closer to him, opened her mouth a little more, letting his tongue in deeper. He groaned in response, turning her so that she was leaning backwards onto the tomb. Only a little jump and she would be on top. He would follow and…

 

“Shit, someone is coming,” Connor whispered, pulling her down.

 

Raven cursed silently as they crouched in the shadows. It wasn’t vampires or demons otherwise he wouldn’t have pulled her down here. It had to be family members or something. Someone who would tell her father what she was doing. She rolled her eyes. It was time to stop pretending. She was eighteen and in love.

 

The voices drew closer. She opened her eyes wide, staring at Connor, as she recognized them. It was Faith and Dylan. They were talking about expectations and people who had them. Connor kept her down until they had passed.

 

“I’m tired of us always hiding out,” Raven groused, when he let her stand again. She buttoned her blouse up. “It’s ridiculous.”

 

“We’re not hiding out,” Connor said, slipping his arms around her waist. He pulled her close. “I just wanted to be able to resume what we were doing.”

 

“Oh, well then,” Raven said, going up on her tiptoes to kiss along his jaw. “That I accept.”

 

“Oh, yeah,” Connor whispered, lifting her up onto the tomb. She wrapped her legs around him to keep him against her. He unbuttoned her blouse again, kissing his way down from her ear to the valley between her breasts. “You are so beautiful.”

 

Raven arched her back as he pushed her blouse aside and latched onto her nipple. The stimulation from his mouth and the scratching from the lace of her bra were sending her into overdrive. She fell back on her hands, forcing him to follow her up if he wanted to continue. He didn’t.

 

“Rave, come on,” Connor said, pulling her by the hips so that she was closer to him. “If we get up there then you know we’re going to get into trouble.”

 

“No, you come on,” Raven declared pushing him away. “I’m sick of hiding out, pretending we’re still fourteen or something. I’m eighteen, you’re in your mid-twenties, I want a real relationship. I’m going to make an appointment with the doctor and get on birth control.”

 

“And when your father finds out?”

 

“The hell with him. He fell for Buffy when she was around my age. And she was only seventeen when your father slept with her.”

 

“Doesn’t that make us kind of incestuous?” Connor said with a grin.

 

“Forget it,” Raven said, turning to walk away. She was talking about their lives and he was cracking jokes. “I love you. I have since I was fifteen and I want to spend my life with you. Apparently you don’t feel the same.”

 

“Raven, stop,” Connor said, running to catch up with her. He grabbed her, pulling her around and against him. “I love you.” He cupped her face. “You’re the best thing in my life. I just…yes, I want to make love to you. I want you in my life, forever, but I want you to be sure.”

 

“I am. I am.”

 

It was the same argument. Connor thought she was too young to make a commitment. Their fathers were against the relationship but tolerated it because they didn’t have a choice. Cordelia and Buffy were on their side and it was a big mess. Maybe if they showed that they were committed instead of trying to please everyone else, they’d come around.

 

“Okay, then, go to the doctor.”

 

“Really?” Raven screamed. “Oh, my god, I love you.”

 

She threw her arms around him then her legs. He swung them around as she rained kisses on his face. They had all the time in the world. They were young and happy. There wasn’t a reason not to hope for the very best that life could offer.

 

~~~~~~~

 

“You’re father will fail. He always does. He’s William and no matter how hard he tries to prove otherwise, he always will be.” The First whispered. “It’s been so easy, I must say. True to form the vampire is. The pyramid will crumble so easily with his betrayal.”

 

The laughter was more terrifying than the words. It echoed inside his head and shook him all the way down to his toes. Elijah turned toward the light. He ran as hard as he could but couldn’t escape the laughter that reverberated in the dark. Evil didn’t die. It never did. And just because they had pushed it back didn’t mean it wasn’t still there. It lived within the small boy. Inside his head. Eli screamed.

 

His breathing was heavy as he sat up straight in bed. He gulped in oxygen as he looked around his room. Nothing. No one. It wasn’t here. His mommy wasn’t here. Another sound of laughter came through the open window. It was on the wind. He jumped from his bed, took a deep breath then raced to close the window. With hurried hands, Eli slammed it shut then locked it. He backed slowly away from it. He grabbed his teddy bear and jumped back into bed. He didn’t care that he was too old to sleep with stuffed toys. The bear had gone into hell with him and survived. It was a bond between the two that Eli took very seriously.

 

Trying to reach a calming place, he let his walls down, so that he could feel the others in the house. There was a trace of hurt and anger but mostly love came back to him. It flowed in warm streams around him from the attic above him and the study below him. It was a strength and joy that comforted him. He searched out Joy, smiling at the giggle she gave in her sleep. She was probably dreaming about riding unicorns through fairy land.

 

Elijah sighed. Whatever was coming wasn’t coming tonight. He knew it was on the way but he would keep his faith. It was one lesson he had learned. Evil had no power in the face of unwavering belief in good. Sacrifices had to be made, lives lost but evil didn’t win as long as there was someone still willing to fight for good. And Elijah had faith, in his family, his parents and the Slayers who had beaten back the First last year.

 

Rolling over the little boy returned to his little boy dreams, confident that at least for now they were safe.

 

 

Chapter 16 – Bad Moon Rising

Part 1

 

 

I see the bad moon arising

I see trouble on the way

I see earthquakes and lightnin’

I see bad times today

I hear hurricanes ablowing

I know the end is coming soon

I fear rivers overflowing

I hear the voice of rage and ruin

Hope you got your things together

Hope you are quite prepared to die

Looks like we’re in for nasty weather

One eye is taken for an eye.

J.C. Fogerty

 

 

It wasn’t the easiest thing for him to do but he had accomplished it.

 

Wesley reluctantly pulled his hand away from the phone, wishing he could pick it back up and tell her he’d been wrong. He wished he could have left her to deal with the already overwhelming load she was carrying without adding to her growing burdens.

 

“Is she coming?” Giles asked, twirling his glasses from his seat on the other side of the younger Watcher’s desk.

 

“Yes, she is,” Wesley said. “She always does. It’s her sacred duty and you’ve trained her well.”

 

“Now, that’s just bullshit,” Giles remarked with a growing smile. “Buffy has never listened to me or taken orders. Ultimately, it’s always been her decision as you’ve come to discover for yourself old chap.”

 

“Old age has indeed mellowed you. You never used to use such vulgar language even in the most trying or dire of circumstances.”

 

“It’s not old age, my friend. Far from it,” Giles intoned adamantly, annoyed at being labeled old by his colleague. “It’s living in this environment. They have a tendency to rub off on you,” Giles commented, with a small wave of his hand. “Two hundred head strong teenage girls all with the ability to snap your neck with one hand. You have to learn to be with it or they’ll plow right over you.”

 

Wesley nodded his agreement. Neither of them ever thought they would end up here with so many charges but it was like Giles said earlier, it was a Buffy decision. And one that the Council had adamantly disagreed with. He suddenly felt tired. It never ended. He stood to gaze out his window. His view was of the courtyard and of the young Slayers gathering there. Laughing, joking and talking about their training, about the current pop star they were crushing on, and always of clothes. Quite possibly as soon as tomorrow afternoon things could dramatically take a turn for the worst. This innocent idyllic period of their lives would be over...again.

 

Once Buffy knew, once everyone knew everything, it would be back to a hell worse than the days of the First. Until they had found the prophecy they hadn’t a clue that the First was only the beginning of the battle. From what they could tell the fate of the world rested in one unknown person’s hand.

 

“I wonder if this time we’ll survive,” Wesley commented more to himself than to Giles. An ominous sense of foreboding sending chills up and down his spine.

 

“I don’t know…I just don’t know anymore,” Giles said. His tone implying that he was just as weary as Wesley was.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

Buffy put the phone down on the counter. She stared at it for a long moment while Wesley’s words sunk in. It seemed that the battles she had hoped to avoid by sending Spike away was going to happen anyway. No matter which way she turned it was inevitable. Her only fear was that she would lose her husband the way it had been revealed to her. But hadn’t they always weathered whatever came their way? She sighed, pushed her shoulders back and turned to face her family. Connor along with three of her children sat at the kitchen table. Del was finishing loading the dishwasher from their lunch.

 

“What’s up, Mum?” Raven asked, looking up from the chemistry textbook spread before her.

 

“We’ve been called to Los Angeles for a meeting,” Buffy said. She was trying to remain calm but it wasn’t working. Her fear was echoed in Raven’s eyes and Elijah was picking up on it. “It seems they found a new prophecy that warrants immediate attention.”

 

The tension rose immediately. They all knew what it meant. Another apocalypse, another battle, more fighting and death, and none of them wanted to face it again.

 

A soft voice broke the silence. “Is it coming back?” Joy asked, with her lip trembling. Wide blue eyes scanned each one of them in turn waiting for an answer as her tiny fists kept clenching and unclenching. It was a habit that was reminiscent of her father.

 

The little girl was immediately scooped up into Connor’s arms and hugged.

 

“No, baby, it’s not,” Buffy said with determination. “It’s going to be stopped before it happens.” She gave Connor a grateful look for his quick response to comfort Joy. It was times like this that she really missed having Spike there with them. He was always the one who knew how to comfort everyone when she had to bear the responsibility of being a Slayer.

 

The glances exchanged between the four at the table were impossible to miss. It only confirmed Buffy’s suspicions that whatever Elijah and Raven knew had been shared with the other two. She needed a moment to think, to decide, before confronting them. So, she resorted back to Mom mode.

 

“We’re wanted there this afternoon,” Buffy said, taking a seat at the table. “Do you two want to go?” She looked at Elijah and Joy, but she already knew the answers. Joy was an enthusiastic yes that took away the lingering fear from her eyes. With Eli there was a slow shake of his head in response to her question. He would want to go but Los Angeles was too much for the young empath to handle. There were too many emotions and too much human evil that quickly overrode his walls. “Joy, go on upstairs and start packing, okay? I’ll be up in a minute or two.”

 

“How many outfits, Mummy?” Joy asked, sliding off Connor’s lap.

 

“Three to be on the safe side,” Buffy said, holding up three fingers. “And pack your bathing suit and one nice dress.” She had barely finished her instructions before her daughter was racing from the room with a quick “’kay” echoing in her wake. Shaking her head slightly, she turned back to her son. “Are you sure you don’t want to go? You can stay at the beach house with Cordelia.”

 

“No, I’ll stay here,” Elijah said with a resigned look upon his boyish face while tracing a finger along the table.

 

It broke Buffy’s heart to see her child have to be so grown up when he was so young. Eli knew his limitations and lived by them religiously. Dealing with others emotions sometimes left him dealing with things he should never have to. Filtering through people’s thoughts, fears and joys was too much of an emotional overload for anyone to process much less a child. She remembered the day that she had taken him aside to tell him about the time that she could read minds and the hell it had given her. His face had lit up as he realized that she really did understand what he went through on a daily basis. No longer did he have to hide his torments.

 

“I’ve got an idea,” Connor said. “It’s Friday so maybe Aidan can come over to spend the night. I’ll stay with you and we’ll camp out in the living room. Make tents, light a fire and roast hot dogs and marshmallows.”

 

“Yeah, we can turn the hallway into a swamp again,” Elijah added.

 

“Sounds good,” Del said, from where she was leaning against the wall. “I’ll make a trip to the store for supplies while you all are packing.”

 

“Thanks, Del,” Buffy said, reaching over to take the older woman’s hand. “We couldn’t make it without you.”

 

“Yeah, I know,” Del replied with a twinkle of merriment in her eyes.

 

They all laughed but it was true. Buffy stood to start her own packing. She saw the look that Raven gave Connor over Eli’s head. Making a note to talk to her daughter while they were gone, she moved to head upstairs. A corner was going to be turned in the next few days and she had a feeling that when she returned to Sunnydale, nothing was going to be the same.

 

~~~~~~~

 

Joy bounded up the stairs, excited that she was going to go to Los Angeles with her mother and sister. The little girl loved the city with the bright lights and all the people. Plus her Angel lived there on the beach. She just knew that she would get a chance to play in the ocean because Mummy said to pack her suit. Plus there was also going to the Hyperion with the grown up Slayers to look forward to. They always spoiled her, giving her what she wanted, playing dress up and training her. She just wished Candy could go too but Elijah would want the small dog to keep him company while they were gone.

 

It only took her a moment detour to pull her pink suitcase from the hall closet and haul it back to her room. She opened it up on her bed before turning to her own closet. Daddy had hung the rod low enough so that her clothes were within her reach. Everything was hung by outfits that were selected with the help of the older women around her. Mostly Mummy and Raven but everyone bought her clothes. It was one of her favorite presents.

 

Choosing which outfits to take was the hard part. Mummy had said three but there were so many that she wanted to take. It was warm so that meant shorts and t-shirts. She selected a purple matching terrycloth outfit with a cat on the front of the shirt. The next two were harder but finally she pulled out a pink and a baby blue outfit from the closet to lie on the bed. Her mother would give final approval before they actually made it into her suitcase. Joy grabbed some jeans and a sweater just in case she got cold. She was just turning to her dresser when her door opened and Elijah slipped in. He sat on her bed without saying anything and she felt that little curl of fear in her belly again. It was coming. She just knew it despite what Mummy told her.

 

“Is it going to be bad?” Joy asked, sitting next to her brother sensing that he needed to be comforted like she had been earlier.

 

“I think so,” Elijah said, hiding his face in his hands. “I’ve been dreaming about him every night. He keeps telling me how Daddy is going to fail.”

 

“Don’t believe him. He lies,” Joy said emphatically. “Daddy promised he was coming home to us. He doesn’t lie. I gave him my treasures to keep him safe.”

 

“They don’t understand, Journey, they don’t,” Elijah said, looking up at her. His grey eyes filled with such loneliness that Joy could almost feel it. She slipped an arm around his shoulder. “Every thing they do is changing what is coming. If they tell Daddy before it’s time…” He shuddered beneath her hand.

 

“Don’t give up,” Joy said. “He won’t let us be hurt. Daddies love their children more than anything.”

 

“And sometimes they go away anyway,” Elijah said, tears slipping down his cheek.

 

Joy ran her fingers through his hair like her Daddy did with her. She knew at one time her siblings had other parents. She didn’t understand everything but knew they had all been sad before they came to live with her parents.

 

“Daddy won’t go ‘way,” Joy repeated, unsure of how to help Elijah. It scared her for a moment to think that maybe her father wouldn’t return and let the bad things get them. Ultimately, though her belief in her father’s promise was stronger than anything else. He had kept her safe before and he would again.

 

The two children looked up when the door opened. This time Raven and Connor slipped in. They took seats next to each on the floor.

 

“We need to talk,” Raven said. “All of us.”

 

~~~~~~~~

 

The door closed behind the two young people making Buffy sigh in frustration. She had put this off for as long as possible. It was time. It had to be done before they left for Los Angeles and she wondered how a four-year-old was supposed to deal with this type of knowledge. Much less keep it a secret.

 

She knocked softly on the door then opened it before waiting for a reply. They all stared up at her in trepidation and she had an insane desire to laugh. The new Scooby gang was all she could see looking down at them. Stifling her amusement she took a seat on the floor across from Raven. She held her arms out for the two youngest. Joy took her place on her lap while Elijah sat next to her.

 

“We do need to talk,” Buffy said softly. “May I join you?” This time she did wait. In turn each of them nodded their consent for her to be a part of their meeting. “Thank you. I feel it’s best that we don’t tell each other everything.” She held a hand up. “Let me explain then I will listen to you as open minded as I hope you will listen to me.”

 

“Go ahead,” Raven said, obviously taking the lead and accepting her mother’s terms.

 

It was down to the two of them, slayer to slayer. Each came to the battle and were willing to compromise for the good of their family, Spike and finally the world. Buffy nodded, taking her daughter’s position seriously. There had been times when she had to take orders from Raven and she would again if the situation warranted it.

 

“You know that I had the vision of a future without…Spike,” Buffy said, hugging Journey tighter. “It’s why I wanted him to leave so that maybe we could beat fate at her own game.” She sighed. “I also know that there is something else that you all know and that it’s not only connected to my vision but to the prophecy that Wesley found. Am I right so far?”

 

Raven nodded.

 

“This prophecy centers around Spike, doesn’t it?”

 

It was Elijah that nodded this time.

 

“Are you the one who discovered it?” Buffy asked.

 

Elijah turned to Raven to get permission to speak so Buffy turned back to her daughter for the answers. Apparently whatever Elijah knew he had passed it along to his sister to decide what to do with it.

 

“Yes, Mum,” Raven said. “The First showed it to him last year. It came in the form of our mother.”

 

Her heart ache was instantaneous as Buffy slipped her arm around her son and pulled him close. She kissed the top of his head. There wasn’t anything she could say to him. Whatever had been revealed to him had been taken to his sister where she had comforted and advised him. It hurt that she hadn’t known, that she and Spike weren’t there for him but she understood.

 

“I’m going to assume since neither Spike nor I were informed of this that there was a good reason?”

 

“Yes,” Raven said. “The First has implied to Elijah that whatever is coming is based on the choices that Daddy makes. If you know or he knows exactly what it says then,” She glanced at Connor. “We’ve deduced that it could alter things and create more trouble…”

 

“Then trusting that in the end he’ll do the right thing,” Buffy said.

 

“Yes, ma’am,” Connor said. “We all believe in him. It wasn’t hard for any of us to decide to let things unfold naturally.”

 

“All of you know?” Buffy asked.

 

“Yes, Mummy,” Elijah answered, leaning closer to her. “Joy knows, too, but…not everything.” The last two words were spoken telepathically to Buffy and she squeezed his hand to let him know that she understood.

 

“Do you all agree then that we should try and keep the others from discovering the truth?” Buffy asked, looking at Raven. She knew that whatever Raven decided the other three would follow. The secret had been kept for a year now. She was the one who was leading them now.

 

“Yes,” Raven said. “Neither Wesley nor Giles fully trust Daddy so I’m afraid their interference would create a situation that would end in chaos.”

 

“I agree,” Buffy said. “So, you and I will talk more on the way down. Give us more of a concrete plan for handling them.”

 

With Raven’s agreement they broke apart to prepare for the trip. Buffy pushed back her wayward emotions until she could afford the luxury of breaking down. Spike had always come through for her, starting all the way back in the days of Glory. He would do it now. She would believe in him until she had proof that she couldn’t.

 

Chapter 17 – Bad Moon Rising

Part 2

 

 

I see the bad moon arising

I see trouble on the way

I see earthquakes and lightnin’

I see bad times today

I hear hurricanes ablowing

I know the end is coming soon

I fear rivers overflowing

I hear the voice of rage and ruin

Hope you got your things together

Hope you are quite prepared to die

Looks like we’re in for nasty weather

One eye is taken for an eye.

J.C. Fogerty

 

 

The delicate snore from the back seat made her mother turn around and smile at Journey. It never failed. Strap the kid in, pop Sleeping Beauty in the DVD player, hit the highway and within thirty minutes Joy was sound asleep. Raven watched in the rearview mirror as Buffy took the box of juice from her baby sister’s hand to deposit into the bag they brought along for garbage. She smiled as Buffy adjusted Joy in her car seat then did the same to the teddy bear strapped in next to Joy.

 

“I don’t think the bear cares if he’s crooked,” Raven said with a grin.

 

“I know,” Buffy said. “But I always cared if Mr. Gordo was comfortable on his rides.”

 

“So, glad I don’t have any of these particular family tendencies,” Raven, with a smirk that she had unknowingly acquired after hours of watching one adorn her father’s face.

 

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Buffy said, smiling. “Do you consider stuffed toys too much of a weakness for the big bad Slayer out to save the day and the world while still maintaining her tough with it ‘tude?”

 

Rolling her eyes, Raven retorted, “Ha, ha, funny, Mum, very funny.”

 

“By the way I love those boots you’re wearing? Who made them?”

 

“They’re Harley Davidson’s,” Raven replied, glancing down at her black boots with the red flame along the side and back. They made her look tough. So, yeah, her mother was right. Looking beautiful and tough was important to her. Thank god that Daddy gave her a credit card of her own. Sometimes she was sure that her spending far surpassed her mothers. She shifted in her seat, adjusting her black jeans then smoothed down her blue sweater that made it look like she had decent sized boobs.

 

I wonder if Wesley ever notices…

 

“So, what did Dawn say when you talked to her last night?” Buffy asked, interrupting Raven’s thoughts before they got too complicated.

 

It was a bitch being in love with the boy she’d always wanted but feeling butterflies every time she was around the younger Watcher. She was sure it was result of the one-on-one training that Wesley sometimes gave her. Faith was certainly right about the fighting making you horny. If only Connor was a bit more aggressive on the sexual part of their relationship then whatever the feelings she had for Wesley would go away. A smile flitted across her face as she remembered her boyfriend giving the okay for her to seek birth control. Soon, she thought. Their relationship would be what it was supposed to be for a slayer and a son of a vampire…passionate.

 

“Hello, mother to daughter,” Buffy called, snapping her fingers. “I asked you about Dawn.”

 

“Sorry, Mum, was thinking about something,” Raven said, with a nervous laugh.

 

“Shopping in LA, I’m sure.”

 

“Uh, Dawn’s fine. She and Josh are having a grand old time living the Ivy League existence that is Harvard. They spent last weekend with Clem and Flora out at the cabin.”

 

“I still can’t believe that Clem is married,” Buffy said, absently. She sighed longingly. “I’m happy for him being so happy.”

 

“Daddy loves you,” Raven said, reading her mother’s face. The separation was killing her mother slowly. She knew about her mother’s past and her fear of being alone was becoming more pronounced everyday. Buffy was tense most of the time now. “He’ll come back.”

 

“Yeah, if somebody doesn’t screw everything up.”

 

“I know,” Raven said. “We just can’t let them know that we know anything. And get as much information from them before we return to Sunnydale.”

 

“Oooo, we get to play the little spies,” Buffy said, with a giggle. It sounded forced but Raven let it go. Her mother was trying and sometimes that was all you could ask of someone. “Do I get to play the bad slayer or the good slayer?”

 

“Uh, Saint Buffy over there,” Raven said. “I mean all the lectures we, young followers, get about everything you’ve done to make the world a better place.” She laid a hand on her chest. “I mean, of course, I have to be the young upstart with the bad ass, jealous attitude.”

 

“Okay, you bad, me good,” Buffy grumbled, shifting in her seat. “I never get to have fun.”

 

“Yeah, right,” Raven said, with a wicked grin. It was the perfect opportunity to bring up going to the doctor. “Not like you and Daddy didn’t have the whole house rocking the last weekend he was here. No, of course not, and it’s not like you two were caught having a quickie on the washer downstairs by one of your best friends.”


”Angel told Max not to go down there,” Buffy said, primly but a flush was covering her cheeks.

 

“Having to wait all day was too much, huh?”

 

“None of my daughter’s business,” Buffy said.

 

Raven watched her mother wring her hands. The clear sign that she was unhappy, talking about Daddy always made her that way. Maybe it hadn’t been the best introduction to what she wanted to say. She sighed as she decided to wait till later. She was eighteen and didn’t need anyone’s permission to seek birth control anyway. All she had to do was talk to Kate, get what she needed, and the only two people who needed to know were she and Connor. Kate couldn’t tell anyone else and besides she doubted she would anyway.

 

So, it was back to business.

 

“Seriously, Mum,” Raven said, sitting up a little straighter as she maneuvered to pass a slow moving car. “How are we going to keep them out of this? Giles and Wesley are like bulldogs when it comes to this shit. The doom and gloom duo aren’t going to just accept our word to walk away.”

 

“I know,” Buffy said. “They both have this really bad habit of saying one thing to your face then going behind your back to figure it out anyway.” She looked out the window. “They are both interfering, uptight old farts.”

 

“Mother!” she said with a laugh. “I have never heard you speak like that about them before. It’s always been respect them. They have so much more education than we do,” Raven mimicked her.

 

“I lied. Look, play ignorant about the whole thing. I know you can act,” Buffy said, patting Raven’s leg. “Don’t let them know we know anything. We’ll find out what they do know then we’ll meet to figure out how to sabotage their research.”

 

“You can be such a bitch,” Raven said, giggling. She glanced over at Buffy in amazement. Sometimes her mother surprised the hell out of her. Buffy always tried to be super mom, doing the whole June Cleaver bit, but sometimes when she was in Slayer mode, Raven could see the girl she’d once been. She would never admit it but she could never hear enough tales about her mother’s heyday of slaying.

 

Raven nibbled a manicured fingernail that she had spent a fortune on as she worried over her father. There was nothing she wouldn’t do to protect him including lying outright to the two men she was supposed to blindly follow without question. She wondered if any slayer had really followed that rule. She doubted it; they were the ones who picked teenage girls to be the killing machines. Served them right to have to put with the volatile emotions of their charges.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

The room was exactly twenty-one paces long. Spike knew every inch of the peeling vinyl floor. He’d been walking it for the last hour and was becoming more and more agitated with each step. Surveillance work had to be the worst assignment with this job. Vampires weren’t meant to just sit and watch. He wanted the violence, the chase, and the adrenaline rush but, no, they were stuck together in this cramped room, watching the building across the street. There was nothing to do to relieve his boredom. So, he paced while Dylan took the pictures.

 

The year before after Angel and his team had beaten Jasmine, a goddess that seemed to spring forth from the very earth itself. In the wake of destroying world happiness, Angel had been offered the position of CEO of Wolfram and Hart. After considerable deliberation and midnight talks with the family, he’d accepted, hoping to find a means to bring the evil law firm down. A week ago, his Sire had overheard a conversation by some employees about a new apocalypse. It would bring about the end of human reign on earth and usher in a new age of demon supremacy.

 

Angel had done some more investigation and had uncovered the possibility of a secret society operating under the authority of Wolfram and Hart senior partners. He had come to Spike about it, and they had taken it to Jake, so here they were. Their assignment was to track down all the members of this society, find out their purpose, and hopefully avert whatever was coming. A study of W&H holdings had brought them to the office building across the street. It was empty, serving no purpose, in a suspicious part of town which would give excellent cover to clandestine meetings.

 

Three shifts to watch it and Spike and Dylan had garnered the evening shift.

 

It seemed they were right. So, far four cars had dropped passengers off. They had all subsequently disappeared into the building. Dylan had snapped all their photos while Spike paced. He wanted to go home. The brief time with Buffy only made him yearn for her even more. Maybe the old saying was right. The one about absence making the heart grow fonder. He was going crazy because her soft body wasn’t next to his every night, his body was screaming in need to sink into hers, his heart lonely because she wasn’t there to talk to about the day. The man and the demon needed their mate.

 

He sighed.

 

“Quit thinking about her,” Dylan said. “You’re only going to make it worse.”

 

“Can’t help it,” Spike complained. “She is so far into my very pores that even my sweat aches for her.”

 

Dylan laughed. “No wonder you got the nickname William the Bloody because if that’s the shit you were spouting back then, it’s a wonder you weren’t called a lot worse.”

 

“Pillock,” Spike said, with a grin. He sank onto the floor, leaning his head against the wall and closing his eyes. “You’ll find out one day when you’re in love.”

 

“Never,” Dylan swore, softly. “Never turn myself into a mopey, horny, wimp.”

 

“It makes you stronger,” Spike said.

 

“Bullshit. Look at you. You’re acting like some lovesick puppy begging to be petted. Get it out of your system, get laid, have some bloody fun.”

 

Spike opened his eyes to stare at the young man across from him. It was on the tip of his tongue to ask if Dylan was offering but he already knew the answer. The young man had been quite frank about his lack of sexual preferences. He didn’t much care about sex, race or species. Human or demon, if they could get him off then Dylan was ready, willing and able. Spike shook his head. If his partner was a woman, he’d be called a whore and an indiscriminate one at that. He just hoped Faith knew what the hell she was doing.

 

“No wonder my family doesn’t like you,” Spike said. His voice was deeper from emotion than before. “Everything they’re warning me about you is true.”

 

Dylan turned to look at him. They’re eyes connected and Spike could see what his family didn’t see in Dylan’s eyes, the intense pain, loneliness, and insecurity. Sometimes he felt like he was looking into a mirror, seeing a reflection he hadn’t seen for over a hundred years. But he could never forget that very same look from before he was turned and it still haunted him to this day. Spike broke the connection first. It was safer not to dwell on those things. He stood to resume his pacing. He tried to think only about his wife, laughing, on top of the washer crying out his name, lost in the passion. Her legs wrapped around his waist, squeezing the very life force out of him. She was his future. He had committed and he wanted to honor it with his very soul.

 

“Holy shit,” Dylan muttered, snapping wildly. “Spike, get your ass over here.”

 

Spike hurried over, kneeling beside him, to look at the newest car that was dropping someone off. He drew his breath in sharply as he recognized the man that glanced around him before entering the building.

 

It was Gunn.

Chapter 18 – What Can You Tell Me

 

 

What can you tell me?

Someone’s always pulling the rug from under your feet

And they’re pulling it away from you

And they’ve done it your whole life through

Everything you say

Everything you do

Anthony Steward Head

 

 

 

It never changed.

 

The hulking exterior, the old-fashioned design of the lobby, and the endless chatter of the occupants was a reassuring reminder that life continued. The mere act of walking through the entrance of the Hyperion calmed Buffy. In those walls was courage, hope and a well of life that was made up the strength of those who dwelled there.

 

She had sworn that no Slayer would ever be alone again. Despite the anonymity of their lifestyle, they would always have family with each other. This would be the home that they could return to. If there was no other legacy for her to leave behind then she would be content with this; to never allow any other Slayer to suffer the isolation they had once been condemned to. All, regardless of loyalty to their duties, was welcomed within these walls.

 

Shifting Joy in her arms, Buffy made her way across the lobby. A smile graced her face as she felt the welcoming of those they passed. The girls waved or said hello as they hurried through and Giles stood by the front desk waiting for them. His face was grim with worry, but that was her Watcher. In this aspect he hadn’t changed over the years.

 

“Hello, Giles,” Buffy said, stifling the small rush of butterflies caused by seeing him. Over the years their former affection had never fully returned. His desire to see her committed and thus forgotten still burned within her as personal betrayal. She knew it was nonsense at this point, because he had been the exemplary friend and Watcher since then. It was just something that she had never fully been able to let go of.

 

“Hello, Buffy,” he replied, smiling slightly at her then turned to Raven. “Hello, Raven. How is your archery practice going?”

 

Raven ducked her head. “Hello, Mr. Giles. It’s been a…”

 

“No, excuses,” Giles said, with his typical indulgent smile. “But we will discuss it later at a more appropriate time. Why don’t you get settled then we can meet to discuss the other?”

 

“The girls are staying here,” Buffy said. “I’ll be staying at Angel’s.”

 

“Of course,” Giles said, with a knowing smile.

 

It was where Spike was. Buffy wouldn’t be kept away if she was this close to him. Almost feeling like blushing in front of Giles, Buffy turned her attention to Joy.

 

“You still want to stay here?” Buffy asked, chuckling when Joy’s countenance went stiff upper lip.

 

“Of course, Mum.” The little girl turned to the Watcher. “’allo, Mr. Giles,” Joy announced, in a perfect imitation of the Watcher’s accent. “I’m staying with the girls. I’m going to train, too.”

 

“Well, that’s very good,” Giles said, smiling at the small child with obvious pride. “If there is anything that you need, please, don’t hesitate to ask someone.”

 

“As if she wouldn’t,” Raven said, holding her arms out for her sister. “Come on, squirt. Let’s go find everybody.”

 

They waited until the two girls had moved away before Giles led Buffy to his office. There were too many ears and eyes to try and have any kind of private discussion in the lobby.

 

“How is Kate?” Buffy asked, as they walked.

 

“She’s fine,” Giles said, “Busy trying to keep everyone healthy around here. Of course, it’s more of the teachers than the students. But there is always someone getting hurt or something.”

 

He closed the door behind them, waving at the chairs in front of his desk for Buffy to sit. She did, studying his face as he sat across from her. The worry that made the few lines on his face more pronounced and the shadows that filled his eyes told her of his conflicts. Whatever he and Wesley had found frightened Giles. Buffy wondered if there was more to things than even what she or Raven knew.

 

“Is it that bad?” Buffy asked, holding her breath and hoping for a reassurance.

 

The small shake of his head told otherwise. “Yes, I’m afraid it is, Buffy. Apocalypses and hell gods aside, I think this shall be the worse of the lot.”

 

“What did you find?”

 

“I’m afraid it’s the end foretold by the very ancient tribes that worshipped the gods in the first place.”

 

“Explain, please,” Buffy said, clenching her fists and drawing her lower lip between her teeth as she tried to squelch the nervousness that seemed to be taking over her belly.

 

“Armageddon,” Giles said, pulling his glasses off. “We are facing the final battle between good and evil and everything rests in the hands of only a few people or possibly just one.”

 

 

~~~~~~~~

 

 

The air was heavy with the stench of stale beer and cigarettes, the music loud and tinny, the girls seemingly bored as they gyrated on stage. It was a typical strip club on the wrong side of Los Angeles not far from Gunn’s old stomping grounds. Spike considered it poetic justice somehow that the circle was closing in on one of Angel’s team in almost the same place it had started.

 

They had watched the place for the last hour to ensure that none of Gunn’s cronies were taking a break. It was night though. Not the place for them to be when they needed to be taking down the baddies. They were safe in their choice of a meeting place. Angel was already waiting inside for them. He’d gone in first to make sure no one had slipped past Spike’s surveillance. There had been no warning phone calls so Spike headed in.

 

He moved through the almost empty place with confidence. He was wearing his duster again. It felt right. It was his armor against his own weaknesses. With it on, he could swagger again. His once perpetual smirk was curling his lips. The family man was hidden away beneath the bad ass exterior.

 

Dylan trailed behind him. Spike knew it wouldn’t go over well with Angel but Dylan was his partner. He had been the one to snap the photos. He was involved in Spike’s new job; and his life whether his family accepted him or not. They would have to deal.

 

Spike slid into the booth across from Angel, scooting over to give Dylan room to sit beside him. The glare from his Sire confirmed his earlier beliefs. Spike shrugged, leaned back, sliding his arm across the back of the booth. Dylan glanced between the two vampires before leaning back into his seat.

 

“Why is the pup here?” Angel asked, refusing to look at Dylan.

 

“He’s my partner,” Spike answered, raising an eyebrow. “He was there. He already knows. What the bloody hell difference does it make?”

 

“None,” Angel said, turning his gaze to the man in question. “Except that I don’t like him.” He laid a twenty on the table. “Go get some beers from the bar for the two of you.”

 

“Go on,” Spike said, when Dylan turned to him for instructions. “Personal shit to iron out and all that rot.”

 

Angel waited until Dylan was out of ear shot before turning back to Spike. “Buffy is in town along with Raven and Joy.”

 

“Why?”

 

It was news to Spike. There had been a couple of missed calls on his cell from Buffy but when he had tried to return them, she hadn’t picked up. There hadn’t been an urgent message or anything so he hadn’t worried. Until he heard they were in town. Panic lit briefly inside him.

 

“Wesley and Giles found a new prophecy or something,” Angel explained. “They called her up here so they could meet about it. The Watchers wanted to keep it quiet as much as possible.” He looked over at Dylan leaning against the bar, letting Spike know not to tell his partner.

 

“Sounds like a problem.”

 

“Probably not,” Angel said. “One of the slayerettes had seen something on the wall when they were fighting the ubervamps. She never said anything until a few days ago. Said she had forgotten until she dreamed about it. She told Wesley who went into research mode.”

 

“Probably nothing to worry about,” Spike said. “We’ll see what happens.” His eyes connected with Angel’s. In spite of their words to the contrary, they both knew that it was something to worry about but at this point they would let the others handle it. When they were needed, they would be called. For now they would continue to handle their own pressing business at hand. Spike did make a mental note to call Buffy again when he left to find out where they were staying. If his wife was in town, he wanted to see her and his daughters.

 

A mug of icy draft was slid along the table in front of him. Spike smiled in appreciation before taking a sip. It was what he needed. It was funny that all the years of living in Sunnydale had taken away his penchant for big city living. The air was thick, filling his lungs with its pollution. The cold brew was the perfect remedy. It washed away the grime that seemed to cling to the inside of his mouth and throat.

 

“What did you all find out?” Angel asked, glancing between Spike and his partner.

 

During the brief phone call between Sire and Childe, nothing had been revealed to Angel about Gunn. It was the kind of information that should only be shared in a face-to-face situation. Spike wasn’t sure how to proceed. Angel’s team counted heavily on Gunn for both his new legal knowledge and for his loyalty to the group. His betrayal would weigh heavy on all of them. Not wanting Dylan to be the bad guy, Spike reached into his pocket for the packet of photos. Not saying anything, he handed them to his Sire.

 

There was recognition in Angel’s eyes for a few of the subjects as he leafed through the pile. A few were passed back to them for them to find out who they were. Spike’s stomach clenched the fewer the pictures were. It was at the last few that Angel grunted. He laid the image of Gunn on the table. He ran a finger across it then looked up at Spike.

 

“See what else you can find out about him,” Angel instructed, seemingly without emotion but Spike knew better. “Have him followed, bugged, whatever. I want the truth.”

 

There was still a small hope that maybe Gunn was working to expose the secret society on his own. Spike hoped it was true as he gathered up the photos that had been passed back to them, slipping them into his coat pocket again.

 

“Will do,” Spike said. His eyes connected for a second with his Sire. The message sent and received to keep it quiet. Everything could fall apart with one wrong move. Illusions were going to keep them going until it was time.

 

Angel was ready to make a stand. He had seen evil in its rawest form possible. He shared nightmares with Spike that curled even a vampire’s hair. One moment was all Angel wanted to show evil that in the end it wouldn’t win. And he was gathering his people close for the Armageddon he was prepared to wage.

 

Chapter 19 – Eye of the Hurricane

 

 


Black clouds are rushing in
The storm is ready to strike
The lightening flashes through the wasteland
Caught between the earth and sky
Hear the thunder roar
Got to find the key to the open door.

Runaway, hideaway,
Into the eye of the hurricane
Find your way, to saving grace,
Inside the eye of the hurricane.

Impellitteri

 

 

 

“Daddy, Daddy.”

 

Spike turned to find Journey racing down the front steps of the Hyperion. She was dressed in her pajamas and clutching her teddy bear. It was almost eleven, making him wonder why she was still up. Amanda wasn’t far behind her. His daughter heard the footsteps of the trailing slayer and speeded up. He opened his arms just as she stumbled, catching her in mid-fall. She wrapped her small arms around him, her precious toy squashed between them.

 

“You’re here, you’re here,” Joy cried. “I knew you wouldn’t leave me here.”

 

“I’m here, sweetheart,” Spike soothed, rubbing her back. “It’s okay. Where’s Mum?”

 

“She at my Angel’s. She left me and I don’t want to be here.”

 

“Joy,” Amanda said, sharply as she stopped on the bottom step. “It’s not nice to lie. You chose to stay here.”

 

“She’s also four,” Spike bit out. “Not quite old enough to be making those kind of decisions.”

 

“They mean,” Joy said, tightening her grip on his neck. Tears were falling in earnest now. “Please take me with you.”

 

“Shush, baby,” Spike cooed, rocking back and forth in his continued effort to calm her. “Daddy’s here.”

 

Now, he was grateful that Dylan had twisted his arm to stop by the hotel on the way to dropping him off at Angel’s. His partner wanted to surprise Faith with a trinket he had picked up for her. He had received a message from Buffy while he had been with Angel. It said that she was in town to meet with the Watchers and that she was at the beach house waiting for him. He had assumed that his daughters were with her.

 

“Hey, Dad,” Raven called out as she bounded down the stairs. “What are you doing here?”

 

“Dylan needed to drop something off,” Spike said. His eyes swept over his eldest daughter fidgeting with the hem of her flannel pajama top. Something was off and despite her best efforts to hide it there was a shadow of guilt on her face. “How did you know I was here?”

 

“Oh, I was on my cell phone when Joy heard the jeep and took off,” Raven said, with a big grin. “It just took me a minute to hang up and follow her down. We’re staying in Amanda and Molly’s room.” She reached for her sister. ”Come on Joy. It’s past your bedtime.”

 

“No,” Joy screeched, kicking out at her sister. “Daddy taking me. Don’t wanna be here.”

 

“Shush, baby,” Spike said, hugging her tighter. “It’s going to be all right.”

 

“Daddy, Mum is waiting for you,” Raven said, avoiding his eyes. “It’s better that she stays here tonight. Amanda is taking her over in the morning to play on the beach until we’re done with the meeting.”

 

Their eyes collided as Raven realized she had blundered. She had mentioned the morning meeting as if Spike already knew. And there was no way for her to know that unless Buffy had mentioned the message she had left for her husband. It only confirmed what Spike had suspected all along. There was something going on between the two women. For a second he thought that maybe Buffy was planning a little rendezvous for the two of them but Raven wouldn’t be acting guilty.

 

“What’s going on, Raven?” Spike asked, his eyes narrowing in suspicion.

 

“Nothing.”

 

“Let’s go, Daddy, please,” Joy begged, bouncing in his arms. “I want to go see Mummy.”

 

“Journey,” Raven said, softly. “Why don’t you stay here with us tonight?”

 

“No, you mean,” Joy said, turning on the tears again. “You won’t let me look at TV.”

 

“And that isn’t a bad thing,” Kate’s voice reached them. The small party at the bottom of the stairs turned to watch Giles’ wife approach them. “I got a call from one the girls that there was a problem down here. Are you the problem, little one?” Kate asked, reaching over to stroke Joy’s hair. “You were happy just a little while ago.”

 

“The girls talking bad ‘bout me. They say I spoiled.”

 

“Case in point,” Raven muttered, crossing her arms.

 

“Shut up, don’t like you,” Joy declared, her piercing blue eyes were angrily fixated on her sister.

 

“Feelings mutual, brat.”

 

“Stop it,” Spike demanded. “Both of you. What the…?”

 

“Now, now,” Kate said. “Amanda, go back to your room. It’s after hours.” She waited until the girl took off back up the stairs before turning her attention to Joy again. “Now for you, young lady, your Mummy and Daddy need some grown up time. How about you come spend the night with Benjamin? There are other teddy bears so that your bear doesn’t get lonely.”

 

Joy appeared to be thinking about the offer but then shook her head. She buried her face against Spike’s neck and offered up a couple of loud sniffles. Spike looked over to Raven who was standing off to the side still looking piqued. He decided to opt on the side of caution. He nuzzled Joy’s cheek before kissing it soundly.

 

“I bet Mr. Lido would love to go visit with Benjamin’s bears,” Spike whispered. “And you could stay with him in his room and then you two can play in the morning before you get to go to the beach. Maybe he could go, too.”

 

“Can he?” Joy asked, looking over at Kate.

 

“Yeah,” she replied with a smile. “I think we can do that. So, are you going to stay with us? I can make you some warm milk before I tuck you in.” This time when Kate reached for her, Joy let herself be transferred to the other woman’s arms.

 

“Don’t have to be with you,” Joy said, staring daggers into her sister. “I’m going to have fun while you be bored at meeting.” She stuck her tongue out at Raven over Kate’s shoulder as she was carried away.

 

“Yeah, whatever, kiddo,” Raven said. “Sweet dreams.” Her smile for her younger was anything but warm. Spike let it go. He wanted answers and was only waiting for Kate to vanish from view.

 

“What is going on, Raven?”

 

At least she squirmed a little, but not enough. Raven looked up at him, her arms still crossed and now one hip was thrown out for emphasis. “Nothing is going on. Maybe Mum would like some time with you alone. You know she doesn’t really see you enough.”

 

Spike arched one eyebrow, tilting his head at his daughter’s impertinence. “Is our marriage any of your business?”

 

“Well, gee, let me think, Daddy. Yeah, it is. Everything the two of you do affects us, kids,” Raven said, tossing her hair over her shoulder. “Maybe you’ve forgotten in your little ‘mid-life crisis’ head trip.”

 

“Excuse me,” Spike said, stepping closer to her. “I’d watch your mouth if I were you. You and Buffy were the ones pushing me out the bloody door if I remember correctly. So, don’t be trying to make me feel guilty.”

 

“Oh, yes, we wanted to make sure that the world was safe, not for you to be playing around with some little…”

 

“Stop right there,” Spike ordered. “I’d think very carefully before you finish that sentence.”

 

“Or what?” Raven yelled. “You’re going to ground me? Forbid me to patrol,” she flung her arm out. “Or tell me that I can’t put my damn life on the line anymore. Go ahead, Daddy dearest, punish me and maybe the pile up of dead bodies will get your attention.”

 

He snapped his mouth shut as he stared at his daughter. Something was really bothering her. He didn’t have a clue as to what it was. Guilt did wash through him. Both of his girls were having melt downs tonight and he was lost as to what to do.

 

“Raven, talk to me,” Spike said. “I know I haven’t been home but…”

 

“Yeah, you haven’t,” Raven said. “We need you, too. Mum, especially.”

 

“Is Buffy okay?”

 

Raven shrugged. “She misses you.”

 

“Well, I miss her, too,” Spike said. “Is that all that’s bothering you? Buffy being upset?”

 

The elevator doors opening interrupted them. They turned as a slightly rumpled Dylan sauntered out of the car and made his way across the lobby. He wore a satisfied smile as he stared at the two of them.

 

“Hello, Raven,” Dylan said, but he barely glanced at the girl. His gaze fixated on Spike. “You ready to go?”

 

“Yeah, I need to get back to Angel’s though,” Spike said. “Wait outside for me. I need to say good-bye to Rave.”

 

“Sure, man, whatever,” Dylan said, smiling as he looked at both of them then moved through the front door.

 

“Night, Daddy,” Raven said, hugging him. She kissed his cheek. “Be careful. Don’t leave Mum alone too much. She might learn that she doesn’t need you after all.”

 

And with that bombshell, Raven turned and ran up the stairs, leaving a stymied Spike behind. He could only stare at her.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

 

After watching Dylan’s jeep roar off down the driveway, Spike turned to unlock the door of the beach house. The sound of laughter greeted Spike when he stepped through the door. Buffy’s giggle echoed through the short hall leading into the living room. Having come prepared, with roses and champagne, for a depressed spouse, it was totally unexpected. His hands fell to his sides still holding the presents as he stood in the doorway.

 

All three of them were there. He shook his head to displace the images that burned there and see the actual persons that were in the room. Angel sat on the couch with one foot on the coffee table. Cordelia lay with her head on his lap while Buffy sat on the floor in front of the side chair. So, caught up in their joke they didn’t notice him. But he noticed them. The bottle of wine on the table, half-filled glasses in front of his Sire and wife, the state of undress the women were in and the smell of pot hanging heavy in the air. He felt sick to his stomach as his mind immediately thought the worse.

 

Logic took only a moment to interfere though. Angel was still dressed, Cordelia was in silk pajamas and although Buffy wore a negligee, she wore a robe over it. Only the silken material lent any kind of sensuality to it. She was covered from her neck to her toes. The pot was Cordelia’s. She used it to increase her appetite and to relieve some of the pain.

 

Relieved, Spike cleared his throat before walking in.

 

Buffy smiled a welcome at him and he took a seat beside her on the floor. He draped his arm around her, laying the roses in her lap and the champagne on the table.

 

“Oh, Spike, they’re beautiful,” Buffy said, smelling the flowers then turning to him for a kiss. “Thank you. What’s the occasion?”

 

“Just because I love you,” Spike said, pulling her close beside him. “What are you all doing?”

 

“Getting Buffy high,” Cordelia said, with a smile. “She’s such a prude that she wouldn’t do it without you but I think she’s got contact high.”

 

“Did you want to, Luv?” Spike purred, running his hand along her back. “Go ahead. I won’t care.”

 

“No,” Buffy said, looking at him perplexed. “I’m fine. Been drinking plenty of wine and pot with it would be very unmixy.” She giggled then Cordelia joined her.

 

“They’ve been like this for the last hour,” Angel said, dryly. He stroked Cordelia’s short hair. “Laughing over the stupidest things and making fun of everyone.”

 

Even though he knew Buffy wouldn’t, he wondered if he was the target of any of their jokes. He wondered if he had been discussed at all. Buffy was reaching for her glass of wine when she almost spilled it. She was a little drunker than he first realized. He still didn’t like it when she drank like this, especially if she had been depressed earlier. Over the years she only drank on occasion with him. And for her to expose herself to second hand marijuana was unlike her. It bothered him.

 

“You’re not mad at me, are you?” Buffy pouted, caressing his face. “I didn’t mean to if you are.” She kissed the corner of his mouth, letting her tongue dart out to taste his bottom lip. “Am I your bad girl that needs to be punished?”

 

It was supposed to be a joke. It wasn’t to him. It took him back. Back to the time he had seen in his mind when he first walked into the house. A time when he learned exactly how truly insignificant he was to Drusilla, Angel and Darla.

Chapter 20 – My Immortal

 

 

I’m so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

Cause your presence still lingers here

And it won’t leave me alone

These wounds won’t seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There’s just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I’d wipe away all your tears

When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears

I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me

Evanescence

 

 

 

Earlier before Spike’s arrival at the beach house…

 

 

She felt good.

 

But that was entirely due to the morphine shot that Angel had poked in her butt an hour before and the marijuana she was currently smoking. At the moment life was good and funny as hell.

 

Cordelia was curled up on the couch. Her head was on Angel’s lap while he idly ran his fingers through her newly grown hair. It was only about an inch long but it was enough for him. She slowly exhaled her latest puff, deliberately blowing it in Buffy’s face. Her friend wouldn’t actually smoke the stuff. Her excuses genuine; I’m a mother having to set a good example, Spike wouldn’t like it, and the best of all, it’s not good for me to do that stuff.

 

It was true. Buffy had fought for years to keep herself out of depression and away from her favorite crutch of alcohol. But now she seemed to be doing well. Better than someone should be in the position she was. The teenage girl that was only interested in boys and her defunct social life had grown into a woman with incredible strength and grace.

 

But Cordelia also knew what Buffy was going to have to endure in the near future. Exactly what price the Powers would ask from her.

 

The way she figured it, let Buffy have a few laughs before the tears came. And at the moment Buffy was giggling. Like a little girl. With all the buoyant exuberance that came from someone without any fears. It was good.

 

“Oh, my god,” Buffy said as she carefully put her wine glass down on the table. “The man is like nothing there. I mean, Spike has an average build but next to Dylan he’s huge.”

 

“And next to Angel he’s petite,” Cordelia said. “You know what they say…”

 

Buffy held her fingers up. Her thumb and index finger about half an inch apart.

 

“Yep, tiny dick,” Buffy giggled. “Probably couldn’t even feel it.”

 

“Who would want to find out?” Angel asked, dryly. “The man has the personality of a fruit fly.”

 

For some reason this set both women off in another uncontrollable fit of laughter. The conversation had started innocently enough over dinner. But over the course of the evening with the help of the wine and the marijuana, the discussion of Dylan had turned into a bitchfest about him. Everything from his clothes and now to his body was being torn apart by the three. Cordelia had tried to like the young man but his current activities concerning Faith and Spike had her on edge.

 

“Well, Faith says his tongue is ambi…ambidicks,” Buffy stuttered. She snapped her fingers while the other two started laughing again. “Ambidextrous. That’s it.”

 

“Buffy, please,” Angel pleaded, raising his hand and scrunching up his face. “I don’t want to hear anything about that.”

 

“Kissing, Angel, kissing” Buffy clarified. “She hasn’t slept with him yet.”

 

“Thank goodness,” Cordelia said. “If she had sex with him instead of Max, I would seriously question her sanity.”

 

“Been there done that,” Buffy said, laughing. “Yeah, and what is that Slayer’s problem? Can’t she see how hot Max is? I mean just look at that ass and abs he has. Dylan is just…just, I don’t know, doesn’t he remind you of a monkey?”

 

“A monkey?” Angel asked. “Yeah, I could see that. Tickling his armpits and making stupid noises.”

 

“Not to mention throwing shit at people,” Cordy added.

 

They were all laughing but Buffy got the giggles. She couldn’t stop. She held onto her sides and threw her head back as she tried to breathe. Cordelia and Angel were so into watching Buffy; they hadn’t heard him come into the house. Cordelia was the first to spot Spike standing in the doorway holding champagne and roses. The expression on his face was so lost and hurt that Cordelia wanted to tell him that everything would be all right. She remained silent.

 

Buffy caught sight of her husband in the next moment. She turned to him with a bright smile on her face. The giggles had vanished. The love she had for him was so evident in the joy on her face upon seeing him. For a second it was like no one else existed as he returned her smile. Spike took a seat on the floor next to Buffy, laying the roses on her lap and the champagne on the table.

 

“Oh, Spike, they’re beautiful,” Buffy said. Her nose was buried deep in the bouquet. She turned to him for a kiss. “Thank you. What’s the occasion?”

 

“Just because I love you,” Spike said, pulling her close beside him. “What are you all doing?”

 

“Getting Buffy high,” Cordelia said, with a smile. She could already tell that Spike wasn’t happy that Buffy wasn’t sober. She wanted to take the blame before the happiness between the couple became tense. “She’s such a prude that she wouldn’t do it without you but I think she’s got contact high.”

 

“Did you want to, Luv?” Spike purred, running his hand along her back. “Go ahead. I won’t care.”

 

“No,” Buffy said, looking at him perplexed. “I’m fine. Been drinking plenty of wine and pot with it would be very unmixy.” She giggled then Cordelia joined her.

 

“They’ve been like this for the last hour,” Angel said, dryly. He stroked Cordelia’s short hair. “Laughing over the stupidest things and making fun of everyone.”

 

Buffy was reaching for her glass of wine when she almost spilled it. Although he had just given her permission to indulge, Spike’s expression clearly showed he wasn’t okay with it. Obviously, he was trying not to be upset with her. It touched Cordelia that he wanted her happiness so much that he would deny his own.

 

“You’re not mad at me, are you?” Buffy pouted, caressing his face. “I didn’t mean to if you are.” She kissed the corner of his mouth, letting her tongue dart out to taste his bottom lip. “Am I your bad girl that needs to be punished?”

 

Everything changed with that one comment. It was evident in even the tensing of Spike’s body. It looked like he had seen a ghost…a very haunting ghost.

 

 

~~~~~~~~

 

November, 1880

 

 

It had been almost five months since he had been turned. During those months Spike had learned to survive within the family. His love for violence growing with each day that he was under their tutelage. Life since then had become a game. It was certainly more exciting than the rigid rules of the Victorian Society he had tried to live by as a human.

 

And he was Drusilla’s lover. Since his show of force with Drusilla, the two of them were constant companions. Well, except for when Angelus wanted her to amuse him. She didn’t seem to mind and as Angelus said, Spike could take but never have. So, he endured those times, usually going out to hunt by himself or to find other amusements to while away the time.

 

This eve was one of those times. Angelus was bored with everything. They had been stuck in Gloucester for days. London had become troublesome for them and they had come to this quiet burg until things quieted down. Or until Angelus decided to take them traveling. A family had been eaten then stacked in one of the bedrooms so that they wouldn’t interfere with the new family of the house. After waking Angelus had summoned Drusilla to his side. She was basking in her Sire’s attention, crooning and acting girlish. Spike left when they’re play became sexual.

 

He stayed away until nearly dawn hoping that by the time he returned the others would be sleeping again. It wasn’t his lucky night. The smell of sex and blood was heavy in the air when he walked through the door. Not wanting to be involved he headed for the stairs.

 

“William, is that you?” Drusilla called. “Where have you been?”

 

“Yes, dear William,” Angel said softly. His anger at Spike’s leaving without permission was clear even in the calm of his voice. “What have you been doing this eve? We’ve missed you.”

 

Sighing, he turned and headed for the parlor. Angelus was sitting on the sofa with Darla curled beside him. At his feet and between his legs was his dark princess. None of them were dressed in much. The women wore undergarments which were only half fastened and Angelus only in pants.

 

“Where have you been?” Angelus growled.

 

“Hunting, playing,” was Spike’s terse play. He wasn’t in the mood for this.

 

“Without me,” Dru pouted. “I was a bad girl for wanting to play with Daddy instead. He did it to punish me.”

 

“No, pet, you were otherwise occupied,” Spike said, rocking on his feet. “I didn’t think that I would be missed.”

 

Darla drew a finger across Angelus’ chest. “I think he has grown cocky again. He thinks that he is one of us.”

 

“It seems that way,” Angelus said, smiling down at his mate. Although since Spike’s first ‘lesson’ on the floor of the cave he had become Angelus’ companion and lover, his unlife was on the older vampire’s terms or whims. Spike knew that but over the months he had hoped that he was becoming less thought of as a fledging. “Come here, boy.”

 

It seemed he thought wrong. With heavy footsteps he approached the threesome knowing that he was about to become their amusement. Drusilla slipped onto the sofa next to her Daddy. Angelus pointed at the spot just vacated by Dru. Spike swallowed. He did what he was told.

 

“Suck my cock,” Angelus commanded.

 

It was either do it or suffer a beating. He was to be humiliated as a reminder of his place in the family. Knowing it would be quicker and at least a little more pleasant, Spike undid the stays of his Sire’s trousers. He ignored the cackling by the women when he lowered his head. He ran his tongue along the underneath of the heavy member, enjoying the rush of power when Angelus couldn’t stop the quiver that ran through him.

 

Using his tongue he lavished Angelus’ cock with attention, swirling around the tip, ticking at the base and just licking it as if it was the best candy in the world. He rolled the balls in the palm of his hand, gently stroking it in the way he knew his Sire preferred. It didn’t take long before the cum ran down his throat. He swallowed like the good boy was supposed to be. Keeping his eyes down, Spike leaned back on his haunches after putting Angelus’ cock away.

 

The slap was unexpected. Usually after a good performance he would get some kind of decency in the way of a word or touch. He held his cheek as he reeled back hitting the chair. What surprised him the most was that it was Drusilla who had slapped him. She was angry with him.

 

“You are my prince,” she growled. “I made you to amuse me, to keep me company when Daddy was doing important things.”

 

“So, boy, how does it feel?” Angelus said, laughing. “You were only made to be a plaything for when she can’t have my attention. It wasn’t a bad choice because you have been a very astute student and have learned to be one of the best cocksuckers I’ve ever had. ”

 

“He is good with his mouth,” Darla said, laughing too. “It’s too bad that those horrid people at that party didn’t know. They could have just put him in a room and let him pleasure them. He could have been useful then.”

 

It was then that he swore that one day it wouldn’t be like that. That one day he would matter to them.

 

But some things never change…

 

~~~~~~~

 

“No, pet,” Spike said, stroking Buffy’s hair. He kissed her cheek then gave a quick look around at everyone. “I’m pretty tired. I’m going to head off to bed.”

 

Without another word he stood and exited the room. Buffy watched him leave in surprise. Something was wrong. Guilt flashed through her. Standing she went to follow him. The other couple was forgotten in her need to make things right with Spike. They didn’t often get nights when they could be alone like this. She wanted to walk on the beach, holding hands and talking silly couple talk. Now, it was all mucked up.

 

She closed the door behind her and leaned against it. Spike was sitting at the end of the bed. His shirt was already off and he was in the process of pulling his socks off. He didn’t look up at her.

 

“Spike, are you angry with me?”

 

“No, Luv.”

 

“Then what’s wrong?”

 

This time he did look up. His eyes met hers and he held his arms out to her. She hurried to him, letting him pull her next to him, and lay his head against her stomach. She ran her fingers through his hair as she waited for him to speak.

 

“Everything is confusing,” Spike said. He pulled back, undoing her robe before pulling it down her arms. It fell, pooling on the floor forgotten as he rubbed his face against her belly. “You are always here,” Spike whispered. “You’ve never left.”

 

“I’m not leaving you,” Buffy said, caressing his shoulders.

 

“Who are you?” Spike laughed. “You feel like my Buffy.” He pulled her negligee up, pushing it up as far as he could. She finished pulling it off and dropped it on the floor. He wrapped his hand around her calf, directing her to put her foot on the bed. “You smell like my Buffy.” He buried his nose against her lace covered pussy, inhaling deeply.

 

His tongue swept along her slit, digging and separating her until he was able to flick at her small bundle of nerves. Her fingers dived into his curls holding on as he tasted her.

 

“Such sweetness,” Spike whispered, pulling back to nuzzle the softness of her mound. “I love you, tasting you, pleasuring you, drinking down every drop that you give to me.”

 

“I love it, too,” Buffy whispered, hoping that whatever was upsetting him was fading away. “I love you.”

 

His mouth trailed away to the thigh propped up beside him. “All of you is sweet.” Spike switched to game face and bit into the flesh of her leg so quickly she had no time to prepare. His first bite wasn’t enough somehow. She watched him pull back then gnaw deeper into her. His bite when given during the heights of passion was barely felt. This was almost cruel in the pain it gave her.

 

Buffy swallowed as she watched him drink. His eyes were closed, his Adam’s apple moving up and down as he sucked at her, while his hands were holding her up. She felt weak as he started to take too much. She swayed. He pulled away, looking up at her. A thin stream of blood ran down his chin, dripping down onto his chest. He waited. She knew what he wanted. Her fingers traced the ridges of his face before shoving him down onto the bed.

 

A smile graced his face as she straddled him. If this was what he needed then she would give it. She licked the blood from him, following it from his chest upwards to his mouth. The copper taste wasn’t wholly unpleasant to her. Since her pregnancy with Joy she had become more comfortable with this type of play. Spike’s demon rejoiced in her willingness to compromise.

 

Holding his face in her hands, she slipped her tongue into the warm depths of his mouth. There was more blood. His. He must have cut his tongue on a fang. The sensations hit her hard. The power of their combined blood, of her mate’s blood, mixed with the effects of the wine and pot, sent her spiraling into a kaleidoscope of sexual desire. Hungrily, she swept his mouth searching for every drop while his hands devoured her flesh.

 

He squeezed at her bottom, roamed along her back then became lost in her hair. The dark tresses were mussed and teased until it was nothing more then tangles. She reveled in the raw need between them. Her hips were spelling a cadence of their own as they ground down upon his hardened flesh.

 

“Do you want my cock?” Spike asked, yanking her hair to pull her away from him. He sneered up at her. “Will only I satisfy you?”

 

“You know that,” Buffy panted, not caring at how desperate she sounded. Spike was her everything. “Please, don’t turn me away.” She rained kisses along his chest until he wrapped his arms around her and flipped them.

 

A soft mewl left her when he stood to pull his jeans off. He picked her foot up, bringing it to his mouth. He suckled the big toe before biting the instep. He broke the skin and with his eyes never leaving hers he licked the blood from it. She moaned as his hand traced her calf. He placed her foot lovingly back on the bed. She watched as he walked around the room, lighting candles and turning the lamps off.

 

Spike walked to the french doors that opened onto the verandah. He opened them and stood there, arms outstretched. He inhaled deeply.

 

“She’s wild, free, no man shall ever break her,” Spike said. “Do you know, pet, that sometimes at night, in the darkness or in the semi-light my eyes plays tricks on me? I see her.” He looked over his shoulder at her.

 

His eyes were distant and Buffy knew that he was somewhere else. Although physically he was with her, his emotions and his memories were taking him elsewhere. The pain in his eyes was so deep that it hurt to look at him. She once more damned the ones before her that turned such a gentle soul into the creature he had become.

 

She didn’t need to ask who he saw. It was always her…Drusilla. The woman who would always be the one she was compared to. Buffy closed her eyes in resignation.

 

“Some nights I even fantasize that you are her,” Spike continued. His voice had dropped to a mere whisper. He walked to her robe, pulling the belt from its loops. “Some nights all I want is you.” He chuckled as he crawled onto the bed. “You never wanted to play when we were first together. You were always trying to act a little priggish and self-righteous, but ended up being such a wildcat in bed. Turn over, Luv.” He softly smacked her hip as she flipped. He pulled her hands up to tie them to the bars of the bed. “You tried so hard to please me. The books you bought. Do you remember them?”

 

“Yes,” Buffy whispered. “I remember. I remember checking off the positions until we had tried them all.”

 

“It took us almost two years but we finally did,” Spike said, slipping from the bed again.

 

Buffy couldn’t see what he was doing. Her heart was pounding hard in her chest. She didn’t understand what he was doing and why. It scared her. She tugged on the belt but it held steady.

 

“Shush, don’t you trust me?” Spike asked, crawling on the bed again, a knee on each side of her. He kissed her cheek. “I would never hurt you. Not like this. How many times have we gone to the edge and never once have I pushed you too far.”

 

Spike was right. Buffy took a deep breath forcing her mind to clear from her own overwhelming emotions. Logically she dissected the moments since her husband had left the living room. It became clear that something had hurt him. He was trying to work it out instead of fighting with her. His temper was under a tight rein beneath his insecure hurt.

 

“I trust you,” Buffy said, strongly. She did. If push came to shove she could break the bed apart then him. But she knew he wouldn’t harm her. Not like this. Not now in their relationship. Their days of beating the shit out of each other were over. Not since the children had arrived had they gone that far. Only a few sporadic times did they exchange punches or slaps that ultimately led nowhere.

 

She knew that whatever he was going through now, he needed to use her body as the canvas for his pain. And as he once did for her, she would let him.

 

“Thank you,” Spike said. He pulled her panties down and dropped them on the floor. She felt his kisses along the back of her legs. His tongue, licking at the back of her knees then the point where her legs curved into her bottom. His hands kneaded at her cheeks separating them and the wet flick of his tongue as he followed the crevice downward, stopping to poke at her anus.

 

A groan slipped from her as she spread her legs as comfortably as possible. He chuckled. His hand slid beneath her to tease at her clit while his thumb teased at the opening to her cunt. There wasn’t a part of her down there that wasn’t being stimulated. The tip of his tongue dipped inside her and she pushed her ass back toward him. On the precipice of an intense orgasm he left her. Buffy buried her face in the pillow, disbelieving that he would be so cruel.

 

“The Buffy I fell in love with would have thought that was too dirty to do,” Spike said in her ear. The words startled her and shame flooded her. He was right. “Her legs would have been clenched shut and yelling at me. Telling me what a disgusting pig I was for even wanting to do it. I wonder who I have in bed with me.”

 

“Your wife,” Buffy spat. “The one you taught to enjoy these things.”

 

Her shame had made her defensive. She wasn’t that girl anymore. She hadn’t been for a very long time. Spike had taught her well and now he seemed to dislike her for it.

 

Spike laughed. “Yes, yes, my wife. I still find that amusing at times. A vampire married with kids. Oh, good lord, I wonder how all the dead bodies I left behind would feel. I wonder how she felt.”

 

“She was happy for you,” Buffy said, a little more gently.

 

“No, no, no she wasn’t,” Spike muttered, leaving the bed again. “She hated me. I left her to rot in a prison. I wanted her to just go away and now she never leaves. She’s always here with us.”

 

“Spike, please untie me. Talk to me.”

 

“No, you little conniving bitch,” Spike barked, settling on the bed again. “It was you and her and the plans that you made. You couldn’t come to me. All I ever did was fucking love you.”

 

Buffy felt a cold liquid on her ass. Her stomach clenched as she realized what he was going to do.

 

All you have to do is say no. You know he won’t fight you.

 

She didn’t say anything. They were going to come through this…together. Spike settled between her legs. His cock positioned at the entrance to her bottom.

 

“Relax, baby, relax,” Spike cooed, as he carefully began to thrust into her.

 

This had never been one of her favorite sexual acts. Spike enjoyed it and over the years she had come to find pleasure in it too. He was always gentle with her until she felt comfortable enough for the quicker thrusting. He was no different this time. Despite his spiraling emotions he was still considerate of her.

 

Spike shifted onto his hands so that the only contact between them was him driving into her ass.

 

“Do you remember what I told you?”

 

“What?” Buffy replied, shifting so that it was more comfortable for her.

 

“Like this in the dark you could be anyone…female or male,” Spike said, throwing his head back. His eyes were closed. “You could be her…you could be him.”

 

Silence filled the space between them. She knew who he meant. Dylan. He was fantasizing about Dylan. Tears finally made their way down her cheeks. Drusilla she could compete with. Dylan she couldn’t. Her heart was breaking.

 

“I’m not thinking of anyone but you Buffy,” Spike said, settling on her back. “You, baby, all I want is you. Why does she torment? Why do you push me away? What do I have to do so it is only us again?” He continued to mumble his love, constantly calling Buffy’s name as he fucked her. His hand slipped beneath her bringing her to orgasm before he released himself deep within her.

 

It was then that she felt his tears on her back. He sobbed as he backed away. “I hate this. I hate her. Why? Why didn’t she love me? Why didn’t she just go away and leave us alone?”

 

Buffy turned her head to see him rummaging through the desk. Somehow, somewhere, he had put his jeans back on. A gasp escaped her when he pulled out a pair of scissors. Spike was out of his mind and she tried to roll out of his way.

 

Scream for Angel, Buffy told herself but found herself on her stomach again. Spike’s knee planted in the middle of her back. She heard the blades snapping together but there was no pain. No stabbing. She forced her eyes open just in time to see strand after strand of her hair fall to the floor.

 

“Spike, please stop,” Buffy cried. “You’re scaring me.”

 

“Oh, god, don’t be scared,” Spike said, dropping the scissors along with the last bit of hair that he had cut. “I wouldn’t hurt you, lamb. I just wanted to make her go away.” He untied her from the bed. Buffy sat up reaching for him. His eyes were wide with turmoil. “All I want is my Goldilocks back...,” He swallowed back a sob. “Buffy, I…”

 

“Spike don’t…,” but Buffy was calling to a shadow that was running onto the beach. She covered her face with her hands and wept for both of them.

 

Chapter 21 – One Last Breath

 

 

 

I’m looking down now that’s over

Reflecting on all my mistakes

I thought I found the road to somewhere

Somewhere in His grace

I cried out heaven save me

But I’m down to one last breath

Creed

 

 

 

All she kept thinking was that it shouldn’t hurt this much. There wasn’t a part of her that didn’t ache, even her heart felt heavy. Her eyes burned with tears that were falling in torrents down cheeks left raw in their wake. Buffy threw her head back in an effort to fill her lungs but another sob prevented the needed oxygen from reaching them. She wished Spike would return to her. His arms holding her would make things better.

 

It always had before. He was the glue that kept her together. She needed him. Longingly, she stared out the door he had run through, wishing he would return but she knew he wouldn’t. Not for awhile anyway. As always her husband retreated when the pain was the hardest, to a place that not even she could reach. It was better to leave him be to sort it out. Like any cornered creature he would lash out if threatened.

 

Unable to sit there on the bed that had seen another Buffy / Spike disaster, Buffy reached for her robe. She wrapped it around her, holding it closed as she moved to the door. A hot bath would chase away some of the throbbing that threaded through her body. She opened the door, stepping back in surprise when Angel’s large form stood there.

 

Fresh tears fell as he wrapped his arms around her. “Did he hurt you?”

 

Buffy shook her head. Words were impossible to push past the lump in her throat.

 

“I’ll have a talk with him,” Angel said, patting her back.

 

“No,” Buffy exclaimed. “No…you can’t.”

 

It was then that Angel realized that her hair was hanging in various jagged lengths. A growl emitted low in his throat. Buffy pushed him away suddenly ashamed. She was barely dressed. She reeked of sex, sweat and blood. His vampire senses would magnify each odor, each emotion, leaving her more vulnerable than she wanted to be.

 

“What did he do to you?” Angel asked. Each word fell into the air like a stone. His anger pulsed in the air between them. “Tell me, Buffy.”

 

“It’s none of your business,” Buffy whispered, staring at the ground. She clutched the robe around her like a shield. “Leave it alone.”

 

“How can I? He’s my Childe…”

 

“And he’s my husband…my mate, and he did nothing to me that I didn’t allow.”

 

“He doesn’t have the right to treat you like that,” Angel said, cupping her cheeks. “You don’t have to take it.”

 

“I want to,” Buffy insisted, pulling away from him. Her eyes snapped with indignation. “For four years he has repressed everything. Nothing has penetrated the hard shell he put around himself. Now it’s coming out and it’s going to hurt not only him but me as well. And I accept it so that I can have him back. All of him.”

 

“She’s right,” Cordelia said.

 

They both turned to look at the former princess as she made her way slowly down the hall. One hand was drifting along the wall as if she needed its support. Buffy watched the change come over Angel instantaneously. He softened with the love he held for his wife. The tile floor echoed the cadence of his hurried footsteps as he went to her. His arm slipped around her.

 

And the touching scene ripped through Buffy’s heart. She wondered if she and Spike would ever reach this level of devotion. A decade of fighting, loving, and living together still found them to be near strangers. Had they made a mistake in trying to make it work? Their hearts said one thing but their actions spoke an entirely different language. She turned her gaze downward, unable to bear watching for a moment longer.

 

“Pass me over to Buffy,” Cordelia said, slipping next to her friend. “Come on. I think you were headed to take a bath. Right?”

 

“Yeah,” Buffy said, nodding her head.

 

“You can use ours. It has a whirlpool tub in it. You can just sink down into it,” Cordelia informed her. She slipped her arm through Buffy’s. “Angel go back to bed I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

 

Angel hovered for a moment. He looked at Buffy with uncertainty.

 

“Go, Angel,” Buffy said, putting her arm around Cordelia. “I know you’re there if I need you. Just leave it for now. Please?”

 

He nodded then turned on his heel to head down the hall to the master bedroom. Buffy watched him leave. The girl inside her wondered what might have happened if things had been different. While the woman she was envied the man he had become.

 

“He’s mine,” Cordelia said, with a chuckle. “Oh, and of course Joy’s.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Buffy said, leading them down the hallway. “I just…it’s a…”

 

“I’m not worried. I know your heart is Spike’s, even if he doesn’t appreciate it.”

 

“Thank you,” Buffy sighed. “I’m all confused right now. I do love him and he does appreciate it. He just doesn’t understand it.”

 

“Defend him, hon,” Cordelia said. “He’s yours, but don’t let him become everything you are.”

 

“I think it’s too late,” Buffy said, turning into the bathroom. She stared into the mirror. “I don’t think I’d know who I am unless Spike was attached somehow.”

 

“You’re Buffy,” Cordelia said, softly. “And you’re the same girl who once told another vampire that when everything else was taken away, she still had herself.”

 

Buffy ran her fingers through her hair, gauging the damage, as Cordelia started the water in the bathtub. She poured a large amount of sweet smelling bath salts into it.

 

“Now, let me find something before I leave,” Cordelia said, rummaging around in a drawer. She pulled out a pair of scissors. “Give me just a second to even this out.”

 

Buffy’s hair was pulled back and she could feel the scissors against her back as Cordelia cut. More of her hair was dropped into the trash can. She felt like she had lost years of her life with the loss of her hair. It was so short right after Journey’s birth and her daughter’s life could be chronicled by the length of her locks. She closed her eyes unwilling to accept that the one who loved her hair the most was the one to destroy it.

 

“It’s not too bad,” Cordelia said. “It’s still a few inches below your shoulders. See?”

 

Opening her eyes, she gazed upon what was left. Cordelia pushed it over her shoulder. No longer did it fall to cover her breasts but instead brushed against the beginnings of their slope. Buffy tugged on it as if she could pull it out more.

 

It was gone. This time she didn’t know if she would grow it out. Maybe this time she would return it to the short, practical style. It would serve him right to lose it all. But revenge was cold comfort so she reached for a hair band and twisted it on top of her head.

 

“I’ll call my hairdresser in the morning,” Cordelia said. “Tell him it’s an emergency and I’m sure he’ll see you after the meeting.”

 

“Thank you,” Buffy said, turning to lean on the counter. “I appreciate everything.”

 

“It’s what friends are for. Now, take a hot bath, relax and holler if you need anything.”

 

With that, Cordelia slipped from the room, leaving Buffy alone. She let the robe slide onto the floor before she stepped into the hot water, sinking down into its comforting embrace. It was seductive and Buffy answered its call, closing her eyes and dreaming about happier times in Spike’s arms.

 

 

~~~~~~~

 

“Huh, what happened? Who’s hurt? What do we need to bring?”

 

The sleep addled voice mumbled over standard questions for someone who had been fighting evil for half his life. And in spite of the turmoil that filled him, Spike chuckled at Xander’s confused ramblings.

 

“It’s me, mate.”

 

“Spike?” Xander’s voice was suddenly a few octaves higher than normal. “What’s going on?”

 

“I need to talk.”

 

“Yeah, okay,” Xander said.

 

Spike heard him mumble something to a complaining Anya then shuffling feet against their wood floors, the creak of the swinging door into the kitchen then the opening and shutting of the refrigerator door.

 

“You ready?” Spike asked when he heard a chair scrape against the tile of the kitchen floor.

 

“Go for it,” Xander said. “I’m taking it that nobody is hurt.”

 

Yeah, someone was hurt, very hurt, but it wasn’t a wound that could be bandaged. Spike dropped his head onto his knees. His free hand dug into the wet sand beside him, almost wishing that the next wave would swallow him whole. Guilt was tearing through him and the confusion was making him dizzy.

 

“Why does she stay with me?” Spike asked, a sob accentuating his question.

 

“Because she loves you,” Xander answered. It was almost too simple but it was the truth. “What happened?”

 

With halting words, Spike unburdened himself from the confrontation to the moment he tore out of the house and down the beach. The only details left out were to protect Buffy’s modesty. There were some things that a man didn’t discuss with anyone but the woman he was sharing it with.

 

“Okay, buddy,” Xander said. “I’m going to channel my wife here. What is your frickin’ problem?”

 

“I’m an ass,” Spike said, with a laugh. He used the heel of his hand to wipe away the tears that were coursing down his cheeks. “I’m a son of a bitch, an evil bloodsucking demon that should have been staked years ago.”

 

“Well, yeah,” Xander agreed, laughing along with his friend. “But that doesn’t explain why you did it.”

 

“I keep seeing Drusilla in her. I just want Buffy.”

 

“Did you ever just tell her that?”

 

“No, might have been easier,” Spike said, then sighed. “I didn’t realize it until I walked into the house.” With hurried words he told his friend about the memory he had recalled upon seeing the trio. “I saw Buffy and all I could see was her.”

 

“Answer me honestly here,” Xander asked. “After you got through the first feelings, did you at any point think that Buffy would be doing that? I mean, fooling around with Angel. During the last few years has she given you any indication that she was waiting for Angel?”

 

“No, not at all,” Spike said. “That isn’t the point.”

 

“Yes, it is. It’s very much the point. It’s what you refuse to see, have always refused to see because your pride was on the line.”

 

“What the bleeding hell are you talking about?”

 

Oh, he saw. He just didn’t want to see it. Xander was right. Spike covered his eyes with his hand as if it would keep the truth at bay. But it couldn’t be contained any longer. It was demanding to be accepted. And he needed to voice it if he wanted any hope of keeping his marriage alive.

 

“Did Drusilla ever love you the way Buffy does?”

 

“No, she didn’t,” Spike whispered. He stood, making his way to the water’s edge. “No one has ever loved me like Buffy does.”

 

“About damn time you saw that,” Xander said. Spike could almost see the grin on his face. “Now, let go of every bit of garbage you’ve been carrying around, then run to Buffy, throw yourself on your knees and beg for her forgiveness.”

 

“Thank you,” Spike said. He didn’t wait for a reply, just clicked the phone off, and slipped it back into his pocket. For a moment he remembered the life he had once shared with Drusilla. The years after Angel had gotten his soul and it was just the two of them. They were mostly good times, filled with adventure and sex, and an unfathomable amount of love on his part. Oh, Dru loved him but never with the intensity that she had loved her Daddy with.

 

He had always been second best with Drusilla.

 

With arms outstretched he fell forward into the water. He swam outwards searching for a physical pain that would rival the one in his heart. Time passed as he used his muscles in demanding force, slicing through the icy water, heading back to the beach house. He saw the lights of his Sire’s home and turned on his back to stare up at the moon. He closed his eyes and let his senses take over.

 

Even here he could feel Buffy’s soul. It was battered and sad but still holding onto his. Like his personal siren, she called him toward the shore and to the refuge of her arms. It was too strong. He knew it was time as he walked toward the house. This time it had to be with all of him returning back into her waiting arms.

 

Spike hesitated at the bottom step. A wind sent a shiver through him making him shake from the cold but yet he couldn’t traverse the last few steps to a refuge. Instead he turned to the sea, eyes heavy with tears, his voice laden with regret, he whispered, “Goodbye Drusilla.”

 

~~~~~~

 

Buffy was curled on the bed with her eyes closed. The tempo of her heartbeat let him know that she wasn’t asleep. He didn’t deserve her attention. His jeans had been left on the patio so the carpet wouldn’t be soaked. But the water still dripped off of him, leaving footprints in the deep plush carpeting covering the floor.

 

“I’m going to take a quick shower,” Spike whispered.

 

“All right,” Buffy replied. Her eyes opened, giving him a quick perusal in the candlelight. “Hurry back.”

 

It was a good sign that she was waiting for him, wanted him beside her as she slept. He rushed through his shower, rinsing sand and salt from his body. Getting back to her was all he could think about as he quickly ran a towel over himself. It was only when he reached the foot of the bed, did he slow his movements. He gazed upon the woman lying atop the covers. She wore one of his t-shirts and a pair of black cotton panties that taunted him, peeking out from the under the hem of the shirt.

 

He knelt on the bed, kissing her thigh before pushing it away from its twin. With a light touch, he ran his finger over the bite mark before leaning down to kiss it. She murmured, and he licked it, tasting her with still a twinge of the coppery taste of her blood. He tried to move between her legs and she shut them, forcing him away. Abashed at the rejection, he sat back on his haunches, and closed his eyes.

 

“I don’t want sex,” Buffy said, pulling him down beside her. “I want you to cuddle with me.”

 

“I can do that,” Spike said, settling into the bed. He pulled the covers over them, wrapping Buffy up. He pushed her hair back behind her ear. “I’m sorry. I love you so much.”

 

“I know,” Buffy whispered, clasping his hand. “I understand.”

 

“I need to tell you something.”

 

“What?”

 

Her fingers traced his brow, coming down to cup his cheek. This sweet embrace was what he needed. Here he was safe from all the pain of his life. He kissed her lips chastely.

 

“I realized something tonight,” Spike whispered. “Well, actually Xander brought it to my attention.” She went to speak and he laid a finger on her mouth. “I need to say this before I…” His eyes closed for a moment then opened them. He wanted to be looking into those pools of his heart when he told her. “No one has loved me like you do. Not even Drusilla. If she had, she wouldn’t have conspired to use you as a pawn to give her what she wanted. It was about her. Not about me or you or the baby…not even Dagon. She needed…wanted someone to take care of her and she didn’t care who she used to get it.”

 

“I should have trusted you,” Buffy confessed. “I know that you would have protected us but…I couldn’t accept not being in control. It was about control. I let her lies inflate my fears and my ego. I was wrong.”

 

“I want to let go of it,” Spike said. “Make a fresh start.”

 

“No, we’re not going to erase the past. There have been a lot of good times, too. We’ll move forward…try harder.”

 

Spike pulled her closer, kissing her forehead, while kneading her bottom. “So, I was thinking…”

 

“Oh, boy that’s dangerous,” Buffy teased, hooking a leg over his hip.

 

“How about we go away for a couple of days, just us? Spend some time just talking, making love, sleeping and eating.”

 

“Four of my favorite things,” Buffy said. “Spike, promise me something?”

 

“What’s that, Luv?”

 

“No grand gestures that won’t mean a thing in a week or two.”

 

“I promise,” Spike whispered against her mouth. “Every day will be met with a new vow to love you more than the day before.”

 

“That I can live with,” Buffy agreed, with a smile. “So, can we rest in peace now?”

 

“Huh?” Spike asked in confusion. His brows met as he studied her.

 

Buffy giggled then broke out in song, “Let me rest in peace. Let me get some sleep. Let me take my love and bury it in sex…”

 

“Its six feet, pet,” Spike said with a laugh. “If you can’t remember the words don’t sing it.”

 

“Oh, please, I remember everything,” Buffy declared. “Even the corny line about me living so one of us is living…”

 

“Don’t be making fun of my little songs,” Spike argued. He tickled her, loving the peals of laughter that rang through the air. She fought against him until they twisted too close to the edge. Buffy fell first with Spike on top of her. They kept laughing as they wrestled trying to gain the upper hand. Their hands flew over each other then they forgot everything else but each other.

 

 

~~~~~~~

 

Angel settled Cordelia closer to him then reached over to turn the radio on.

 

“What’s that for?” Cordy asked sleepily. “They’re not fighting again, are they?”

 

“No, they’re not,” Angel whispered. He leaned down to kiss her. “They’ve made up.”

 

“Good,” Cordy said, pulling him down for another kiss. “Now, quit being concerned about them and tend to your own wife.”

 

“Anything you want,” Angel whispered, sliding down the bed. “Anything at all.”

 

Chapter 22 – Boys of Summer

 

 

A little voice inside my head said

“Don’t look back, you can never look back.”

I thought I knew what love was

What did I know?

Those days are gone forever

I should just let them go

But…

Dj Sammy

 

 

 

 

Her hips bucked upwards as he thrust deep into her cunt. A deep moan roared in his ears while fingernails dug into the flesh of his back. He gathered her legs over his arms, giving him the leverage to fuck her even harder. Everything in the world slipped away in these final moments. Sweat poured from him as every muscle he had contracted, forcing all of his power into his cock.

 

The bed bounced under the vigor of their coupling, the sound of their flesh slapping together, and her constant cries of ecstasy was the only thing that existed for him. They both were a symphony yearning for their crescendo. Her body was letting him know that she was almost on the edge, it rippled then tensed beneath him. She grabbed for the headboard. He was too slick to hold onto in this position. Her inner muscles clamped down on him, crushing him within those velvet walls. He gave rapid, shallow thrusts, continually stroking that one spot inside her, until she threw her head back, screaming his name. A loud sigh then she went languid, staring up at him with the merest trace of a smile gracing her sweet lips.

 

He winked and grinned down at her before resuming the thrusts that most pleasured him. He still had to reach his own orgasm. Closing his eyes and throwing his head back, he lost himself in the feel of her body. The smell of her sweet musk, her feet on his back, and the love vibrating between them was all it took. He came with a grunt as he pushed as far into her as her body would allow him. His seed spilled deep within her while she milked him until he had nothing left to give. Then he collapsed into her waiting arms.

 

“Good morning, Spike,” Buffy whispered drowsily, running her hands along his back as he tried to regain his breath. “I love you.”

 

“Love you, too, pet,” he whispered.

~~~~~~~

 

Something was vibrating. It was tickling her cheek, forcing her to return to wakefulness. Raven groaned, as she searched with eyes still closed, beneath her pillow to find the offending item. It was her cell phone. Once it was in her hand, she glanced at the caller ID then smiled. It was Connor.

 

“Hello,” Raven whispered, throwing back the covers. She stood, made sure that Molly and Amanda were still asleep before tip toeing into the bathroom. After closing the door behind her, she took a seat on the toilet lid. “What’s going on?”

 

“Missed you that’s all,” Connor said, with a chuckle. “Elijah and Aidan are still sleeping so I came out to the porch to call you. How is it going down there?”

 

“Okay, I guess. Daddy and I had a fight last night. He can be such a prick sometimes.”

 

“I hope you didn’t tell him that.”

 

Raven could hear the amusement in her boyfriend’s voice. It made her smile because Connor was always the perfect gentleman around Spike. It wasn’t that he was really afraid of her father. It was a respect thing that kept the trouble to a minimum.

 

“In a round about way,” Raven said, giggling. “I wouldn’t dare put it exactly like that.”

 

“Good, it would probably end up being my fault,” Connor said with a dramatic sigh. “Whenever you mess up, somehow it inevitably leads back to me.”

 

“It’s the Victorian in him,” Raven explained. “He still thinks on some level that women are chattel.”

 

“And very nice ones, too,” Connor said. “I wonder how much of a dowry I’m going to get for taking you on.”

 

He was teasing her but it didn’t stop a thrill from running through Raven. It showed that on some level he was planning a future for them. So, why was it taking him so long to treat her like a woman? She cleared her throat.

 

“I saw Kate last night,” Raven said, hesitantly. “I’ve got a few sample packets and a prescription.”

 

There was silence on the other end of the phone. She waited for a few seconds as her heart dropped into her stomach.

 

“Are you planning on attacking me as soon as you get back?”

 

It was supposed to be a joke, but it rankled against her insecurities. The laugh he gave was stilted as he tried to cover up. Raven could feel tears beginning to gather.

 

“I thought you might want to know, that’s all.” She paused for a moment. “We are in this together aren’t we?” Her fingers crossed for the reassurance she needed.

 

Connor sighed. “Rave, you know I love you, but…sometimes I feel like you’re running the show. Shouldn’t I be doing that?”

 

“Are you like Spike? Want to be the macho cave man telling his woman what to do?” Raven laughed. Reaching out she grabbed the end of the toilet paper roll and twirled it around her finger. “I mean, don’t I get a say in this relationship?”

 

“Of course you do,” Connor said. “It’s just that I’m feeling pressured to get ahead of where we are. I want things to follow their natural course.”

 

“You want us married first?” Raven asked, incredulous that he might be harboring such old fashioned notions. It had never come up before, but then they didn’t really talk about the future much. And as she recollected, sex wasn’t really brought up that much. They made out, sometimes going to the brink, but Connor never would take them over the edge.

 

“Not necessarily that but,” Connor paused. “You’re still young and…”

 

“I’m not a virgin, remember?”

 

“How could I forget?”

 

Connor sounded disappointed, and a little resigned to the fact. It didn’t seem possible that her having sex once in her life was keeping them from being together. Could it?

 

“Do you think less of me?” Raven asked. She was afraid of the answer because she wasn’t sure where it would leave them if it was.

 

“Look, Rave, I just don’t want to rush this relationship and us…you know.”

 

“Is there something wrong with me?”

 

She had to bite back the sob that threatened to choke her. How could this be happening? Yesterday life seemed so good. Everything was planned out and she had so much to look forward to despite the prophecy. First it was the fight with her father, now this. The men she counted on the most seemed intent on letting her down.

 

“No, of course not,” Connor tried to reassure her or was he just placating her? “You know I love you.”

“Are you in love with me though?” Raven asked.

 

She had loved him since the first moment she had met him almost three years ago. Never had she lied about her feelings or what she wanted. She took people’s advice and dated others, made Connor her friend, but her heart had already decided. It had only gotten stronger with time.

 

They had finally become a couple after the fight with the First. She had been so lost and hurt. Connor had held her together, was with her for days on end until she could find her way back to the living again. They hadn’t been separated since. Her stomach lurched as she realized that maybe he was with her out of a sense of duty and not because he had fallen in love.

 

“I don’t know if I can ever really love anyone,” Connor said, simply. “Life with Holtz left me with memories I can’t out run. I’m afraid that one day that I’m going to lose it.”

 

“Do you want to be free?”

 

It was the hardest question she had ever asked anyone. And she already knew the answer. He didn’t trust or love her enough to share his problems with her. He had done his duty by standing by her in her moment of need.

 

“I need some time, Raven,” Connor pleaded. “Please, it’s just this…the sex, it would be a commitment that I couldn’t walk away from and I need to be sure.”

 

“I love you,” Raven sobbed.

 

She clicked the phone off then slid to the floor. It was over. The love of her life was gone in a twenty minute phone conversation. The years she had spent dreaming, planning and waiting were all for nothing. She couldn’t accept it.

 

“Honey, what’s wrong?” Amanda cooed, coming to sit beside her. Arms held her while she cried. Nothing was ever going to be the same and anger over his deception began to take hold.

 

~~~~~~~

 

Faith took another bite of her eggs before looking up at Dylan. She wished she knew what his game was. Why was he so interested in her? It wasn’t love that was for damn sure. His eyes were so cold sometimes that it sent chills along her spine. Other times he could be the sweetest, most charming man she had ever met.

 

“You like ‘em?” Dylan asked, waving his fork over her plate. “You’re kind of playing with them, more than eating them.”

 

“Sorry,” Faith apologized, giving him an innocent look. “I’m just nervous about all this.”

 

“What is this?” Dylan asked, looking puzzled at her remark.

 

She laughed then shook her head. Her hand went to the pendent around her neck. The gift he had brought by the Hyperion last night. It wasn’t an expensive piece, even she knew that. It was pretty certainly. A silver and turquoise cross that he said seemed more her style than the other things she wore. She did like it, but wondered why it couldn’t have waited until this morning.

 

“You and me,” Faith said, honestly. “You giving me gifts. It’s not something I’m really used to.”

 

“Oh, so pretty boy didn’t shower you with roses and champagne,” Dylan said. The sarcasm wasn’t lost on her and she resisted the urge to slap his hand as he stole a piece of toast from her plate.

 

“He knows they aren’t my thing.” Faith shrugged. “And no, he hasn’t given me a lot of presents.”

 

“He should have,” Dylan said, drinking the last of his orange juice. “A woman like you should be pampered.”

 

“Like a poodle?”

 

“Ha, ha,” Dylan snarked. “So, question for ya?”

 

“The floor is yours,” Faith said, reaching for the salt. She poured it generously over her eggs, tasted them again, decided it would do and returned to eating. The little diner near the hotel was okay. The food wasn’t the best but it wasn’t the worst either. And nothing like the restaurant that Max used to take her to for Sunday brunch. Never would she think that she would enjoy something as fancy as Eggs Benedict but she did. She missed them.

 

“You said you were confused as to what you and I were doing together,” Dylan said, reaching over to stroke her free hand with his thumb. “But yet every time I try to get closer you push me away. So, what gives?”

 

“Told you I’m still trying to figure out what I’m doing,” Faith said, pulling her hand free and sitting back. “I just want to have a good time without a lot of, you know…”

 

“Sex?” Dylan asked. “You weren’t giving it up to Maxy and now you won’t let me get close.” He waved his hands. “I thought you were Miss Independent and sexually free.”

 

“Maybe I turned gay,” Faith said, laughing. This game was getting a little more complicated than she had thought. Why did men always want sex? It made the whole life she was living more difficult. She shrugged. “Look, you want the truth.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I think you’re using me as a way to make it look like you’re not head over heels for Spike,” Faith said, deciding to see what a little pushing might reveal. “I would really hate for you to be fucking me and thinking about him.”

 

Dylan laughed. Her eyes widened with surprise. The little shit had more nerve than she thought he did.

 

“I’m sorry, pet,” Dylan crowed. “Your body is a little different than his, Buffy maybe, but not Spike.”

 

“Asshole,” Faith fumed at the Buffy remark. She was as angry at herself for being angry as she was at feeling the competitiveness return. It wasn’t supposed to be like this anymore, not for her and not now. Things had changed. She shook her head to dispel the emotions that were keeping her from what was important.

 

He winked.

 

“Knew that would tick you off,” Dylan said. “Let’s be honest. You’re with me to try and keep my attention from the happily married Spike. And I’m with you because I think you’re hot and I like you.”

 

“Oh, bullshit,” Faith exclaimed. “If Spike came up to you right now and wanted to fuck you’d go for it.”

 

“Hell, yeah,” Dylan said. “That man is unbelievably hot with a great body and tight ass. Have you gotten a load of those cheekbones?” He laughed. “And please, don’t tell me you’ve never thought about it.”

 

“Once for only a moment but then I realized how much he loves Buffy,” Faith said. “There is no one that can pry them apart and believe me some have tried.”

 

“I haven’t tried,” Dylan said. “Not yet anyway.”

 

“Won’t work because he loves her with everything he’s got.”

 

Dylan just smiled.

Chapter 23 – Cowboys and Angels

 

 

 

Cowboys and angels, leather and lace

Salt of the earth meets heavenly grace

Cowboys and angels tested and tried

It’s a long way to heaven

And one hell of a ride

Nothin’s changed since the dawn of creation

For you will find them together today

And only heaven above them knows why she loves him

But he must be the reason she don’t fly away

Garth Brooks

 

 

 

It was almost like being home again with Buffy, sharing the same bathroom in the morning. Spike carefully swiped the razor down his cheek while staring at the beauty next to him. Dressed in black lace panties and bra, Buffy was busy twisting her hair on top of her head. She turned her head to see if anyone would be able to notice what he had done to her last night. Guilt tore through him and he heaved a deep sigh in regret.

 

Buffy smiled at him in the mirror before reaching over and pinching his bottom. “Stop it. It was time for a change anyway.”

 

“I…,” Spike tried to explain that he didn’t have any right to do that to her, but he didn’t get the chance. Buffy pressed her hand to his mouth.

 

“I said stop it.” She took the razor from his hand then pushed him to lean back on the counter. He let her have her own way as she proceeded to shave him. It was something they had done for each other a hundred times before. It was an intimate act of trust that usually led to other intimacies. It wouldn’t this morning. They were both expected other places.

 

“What’s going on with the meeting this morning?” Spike asked, letting his eyes close as she tilted his head back.

 

“Nothing much,” Buffy said, rinsing the razor clean. “The usual prophecy, blah, blah, blah, slayers protect, blah, blah, watcher’s watch, you know.”

 

“Everyone is going to be there, right? Angel, too, so why didn’t I get an invite?”

 

“Because you’re already out protecting the world from evil,” Buffy said, smiling. She returned to shaving his cheek. “We can handle it.”

 

“I know you can,” Spike said. A part of him knew he should drop it, but a part of him wanted to get to the truth. The real reason why he had been pushed out of his home “It’s just that I know I’m not being told something and I’d like to know what it is.”

 

His voice was a little sharper than he intended. He didn’t intend to start another argument, not after the night before. But he wanted to know. Didn’t she trust him or was there something she was trying to protect him from? Whatever it was, he was tired of being left out of the loop like he had been years ago.

 

“Spike, it’s nothing,” Buffy soothed. “It’s just another prophecy that probably won’t come true and we’ll just have taken you away from your job for nothing.”

 

“A job that I don’t even bleedin’ want, Buffy,” Spike snapped. He grabbed a towel and wiped his face as he headed back into the bedroom. It got tossed onto the floor when he was through. “Why won’t you trust me? I’m starting to feel like your damn lap dog again.”

 

“Oh, please, I am so not treating you like that,” Buffy entreated, at his heels. “And I do trust you…with the house and the finances…”

 

“All the stuff that you don’t want to worry your pretty head about,” Spike argued, turning on her. She was almost standing on his toes and he held onto her arm to keep her there. “But when it comes to the prophecies, and the fighting, I’m still your second in command. Never good enough to actually lead anything or …”

 

“Ooh, don’t even go there,” Buffy shouted, through clenched teeth. “That’s bullshit and you know it. Did you every think that maybe it’s something I can’t tell you about? So, why don’t you just trust me and let me deal with it?”

 

Spike merely raised an eyebrow at her. It was enough. He could see the defeat in her eyes and the dawning awareness on her features of why he couldn’t trust her. She bowed her head, leaning against his chest while her arms encircled his waist.

 

“It’s a bitch being the betrayer, isn’t it?” Spike asked without malice in his tone. He hugged her, kissing the top of her head.

 

“Uh-huh,” was Buffy’s muffled reply. “I’m sorry.”

 

“Please, don’t shut me out, Buffy.”

 

She looked up at him and sighed. “Not everyone knows. And it has nothing to do with my trusting you. I don’t even know everything. None of us do.” Kneading his sides, she let her forehead caress his chin. “Please, don’t force this. Not yet. I promise I won’t shut you out, if anyone is in danger.”

 

Spike cupped her face, forcing her to look at him. “Promise me, Buffy, no secrets that will hurt us.”

 

“I promise,” Buffy swore, and he believed her.

 

 

~~~~~~~~

 

 

They were late. Faith had been out with Dylan earlier and had lost track of time. Or so she said. Raven hadn’t questioned her about it. The older Slayer seemed to have something else on her mind and Raven already had enough to deal with. Yeah, it was selfish, but today that was how she felt. Since Connor’s fateful words, the anger had only been building. She needed something or someone to direct it to. Impatiently she tapped her fingers on the armrest on the passenger door.

 

“Okay, okay,” Faith muttered as she turned a corner with the wheels squealing. “I know we’re late. Don’t need you getting on my case about it.”

 

“Sorry, bad morning,” Raven answered. She sighed. “It sucked actually.”

 

“What happened, little Rave?” Faith asked, glancing over at her.

 

“Connor dumped me. All because I want to have sex and he thinks it means we’re engaged or something.”

 

“Maybe to him it does,” Faith said. “Gotta remember that he had a really different life than yours.”

 

“I just want to be close to him. And then I reminded him that I wasn’t a virgin and he got all upset about that, too. It’s not like I haven’t sat around waiting, knowing he was out fucking half of Sunnydale U.”

 

Faith laughed. “I don’t think he was ever that bad. He sounds like an old fashioned guy. You know the one where he likes to fool around a lot but wants the woman he marries to be a virgin.”

 

“Great, I wish someone had told me this at fourteen before I played what goes where.” Raven sighed, leaning her head back and crossing her arms. “I sure as hell didn’t enjoy it and it was over in about twenty seconds. Big whoop.”

 

“Maybe you should tell Connor that,” Faith said. “You know play it up that in all the ways that count, he will be the first.”

 

“He’s a jerk,” Raven swore. “He dumps me over the phone after I go and do what he agreed was the next step for us. Screw him.”

 

“Isn’t that the point?” Faith said, laughing again. “Well, we’re here.”

 

She pulled her blue Miata MX-5 car into the parking lot of the Red Dragon, coming to a screeching stop in front of the establishment. The valet attendant came running over as the two women hurried toward the restaurant. Faith just tossed the keys to him and kept going. Everyone knew who they were because the Chinese restaurant was part of Aurelius Enterprises. An upstairs private room had been heavily cloaked with magic to protect any conversations that were held within.

 

Faith took off up the stairs as Raven stumbled by the door. She reached down to pull the back of her jeans from her boot heel when a hand cupped her elbow.

 

“You all right, Raven,” Wesley asked, bending over to inspect the damage. “It looks like you ripped the hem.”

 

“Ah, damn it. These were new too.”

 

Raven stood up, inhaling the scent of Wesley’s cologne. She felt a tightening in her belly that had nothing to do with food. Tossing her hair over her shoulder, she leaned back a little when she noticed his eyes drifting over her body. She was now thankful that she had taken a little extra time with her appearance. The jeans were low riding and tight while the pink sweater barely hung to mid-waist. There was ample cleavage and stomach on display.

 

“Um, maybe we really need to hurry and get upstairs,” Wesley stammered, staring at her chest.

 

“Oh, yeah,” Raven giggled. “I guess we should.” She took off up the stairs, letting her bottom wiggle a little more than necessary in Wesley’s face as she climbed. Maybe it was time she found out what she had missed that first time.

 

~~~~~~~

 

Angel’s eyes narrowed, making Buffy swivel around to see what was upsetting him. It was her daughter followed by a flushing Wesley. Raven refused to look at her mother which gave Buffy a clear indication that Wes’ uncomfortable state was something deliberate on her part. Buffy sighed, watching as the Watcher sat next to Fred and Raven sat on his other side. It was trouble waiting to happen. She made a mental note to talk to Raven later.

 

“Well, I see everyone is finally here,” Giles said, glancing around the large table. Also included in the meeting was Charles Gunn. Buffy knew that Angel wasn’t happy about having to include him in this, but without proof that he was a traitor there wasn’t a valid reason for him not to be there. At least with Spike, she had his job with Jake as an excuse to keep him away.

 

“So, what have you found?” Buffy asked, hoping that her tone was light enough. She didn’t want the others to be aware of how much her stomach was turning over with the possibility of them discovering the truth.

 

“Tanja, I don’t know if everyone knows her or not,” Wesley said, leaning forward over his stack of notes. “She was one of the Slayers who fought in Sunnydale in the last battle.”

 

There were some murmurs of recognition, but the majority of them didn’t know who she was. Unfortunately, Tanja was just another one of the girls who had lived and fought in the Blood house, but had never really become known. There had been way too many of them and not enough time to make them family. It was one of the reasons Buffy had insisted on giving them a place to call home.

 

“What about Tanja?” Angel asked, bringing the focus back to the topic on hand.

 

“She had a dream about a week ago,” Wesley explained. “Or rather a nightmare. It was a return to the cave and the fighting. She was injured there, not severely but it was enough for her to fear for her life.”

 

“Please get to the prophecy,” Giles interrupted. “As much as we would have like getting to know each of the girls, at the time it was too daunting of a task.”

 

“Is she all right now?” Buffy quietly but firmly asked. “Has she continued to have the dreams?”

 

“Several as a matter of fact,” Wesley said, turning grateful eyes to Buffy. “Each one becoming more horrifying than the last, you might wish to speak with her privately. I know that Faith has.”

 

Buffy turned her attention to Faith expectantly. Giles might wish to brush aside the importance of one of the girls, but she couldn’t. It reminded her of the long line of Slayers already gone and remembered only in the stuffy journals of their Watchers.

 

“I talked to her last night,” Faith said. “She is writing out details of the dreams and will give them to Wes when she is done. I’ve asked for a copy also. Maybe something in them will be familiar to me. I’ll have a copy sent to you, too.”

 

“Thank you,” Buffy said.

 

She leaned back in her chair when the door opened. Ling, the proprietress of the restaurant stepped into the room. Behind her were two of her servers. Tea and food were quickly placed on the table for them. It took awhile before they returned to the subject at hand. Buffy could tell that the wait was wearing on Giles, making her wonder what was bothering him. These meetings were rarely over quickly and one that included a meal could last for hours.

 

Deciding that she had more important things to worry about, Buffy dismissed him from her mind. And one of those was her daughter and her new fascination for Wesley. There was definite flirting going on between those two despite the fact that Fred was there. She turned to Angel when she felt his hand on her arm. He looked at the pair across the table then wiped at his nose.

 

“Eew,” Buffy murmured, shaking her head. Nothing worse than knowing you’re your daughter was in a state of arousal. But it did let her know there was a cause for concern after all. Trying to interfere in whatever was going on, Buffy decided to bring things back to the subject of the prophecy. “Let’s return to Tanja’s dreams. I don’t think this should be taken lightly. All slayers have been given these gifts for a reason.”

 

“I agree wholeheartedly, Buffy,” Giles said. “I think we’ve all become too lax in our commitment to the cause. We have become arrogant because we have so many Slayers to fight, but evil is not resting. This could be the next onslaught and we have been dilly dallying around it.”

 

“Let’s go then,” Faith said, around a mouthful of lo mein. “Tell us what you know so far so that we can start figuring out how to kill it.”

 

“Some things can’t be killed,” Angel said. Although his voice was low, everyone’s attention was turned to him. “Evil takes many forms, and fights us in many different ways. We have to be on our guard all the time and make the right choices everyday. I agree with Giles. By sitting on our laurels we have allowed evil to penetrate our camp again.”

 

“How?” Raven asked. “Is there something I don’t know about?”

 

Angel stood and started to walk around the table. To Buffy it appeared he was playing an elaborate game of ‘duck, duck, goose’ as he moved behind each member of the team. His hands pressed together as if in prayer. “We forget that our sins are a form of evil, too. Everyone carries the burden of keeping their own heart pure. Many of us as individuals seem to be falling into traps that could eventually hurt us as a whole. Temptations, lust, betrayal, lies, and greed have encroached against us. Are we doing everything we can to keep it away or are we embracing it?”

 

Buffy stared at him while chills ran along her spine. Silence reined in the room as everyone stared into their own hearts. Slowly, they began to look at each other, looking for the guilt that each carried on their face. They didn’t even know what they were facing yet, and already they were losing the battle.

 

Chapter 24 – The Scarlet Tide

 

 

 

Man goes beyond his own decision

Gets caught up in the mechanism

Of swindlers who act like kings

And brokers who break everything

The dark of night was swiftly fading

Close to the dawn of day

Why would I want him just to lose him?

We’ll rise above the scarlet tide

That trickles down through the mountain

And separates the widow from the bride

Alison Krauss

 

 

 

A break in the meeting had been called. The excuse given was so that everyone had the opportunity to finish eating, but they all knew the truth. They were all feeling guilty about something or wondering who had done what and how the hell had Angel found out?

 

It made Buffy realize that they had drifted apart in the last few months. Life had become almost lackadaisical without any immediate threats to either city. Everyone was wrapped in their own lives and their focus to the mission was no longer their priority. Guilt filled her because she knew she was a big perpetrator of this herself.

 

With Spike gone, she had become morose about her life. Things had to change and her mind started to immediately list the things she could do differently. It was the only way she could handle things anymore. The emotional decisions of her youth had given way to forceful actions that had to be held tightly bound.

 

“Hey, Mum,” Raven said, putting her hand on her shoulder.

 

Startled Buffy looked up to see her daughter holding out her cell phone. “What’s up?”

 

“It’s Dad for you. I got a little confused when I saw your name on the caller ID,” Raven said with a chuckle. “You two grab the wrong ones this morning?”

 

“No,” Buffy said, with a smile. “Your father decided to go swimming with his in his pocket last night. So, he’s borrowing mine.”

 

She took the phone from Raven and made her way out into the hallway for some privacy. Once the door was closed she brought the instrument to her ear.

 

“Spike?”

 

“Hello, pet. How’s the meet coming along?”

 

“We haven’t even got to the main event yet,” Buffy answered, sliding down the wall so that she was kneeling. Her fingers absently twisted a loose curl. “I’m just tired of all this. I’d much rather be home, playing with Joy on the beach.”

 

“Sounds good to me,” Spike’s warm timbre caused a chill to run down her spine. “Especially if you’re in a bikini and all oiled up.”

 

“Bad boy,” Buffy laughed. “How about you in speedos?”

 

“Bloody hell,” Spike scoffed. “You’re ruining my fantasy here. I’m not some poofy ponce.”

 

“Yeah, but think of the effect on me? I wouldn’t be able to stop drooling.”

 

“Still no on that,” Spike affirmed, laughing. “You can have me in the nude anytime you want me though.”

 

The door opened and Giles motioned for Buffy to return. She held her hand up and mouthed she would be right in. Sighing, she returned to her phone conversation again.

 

“Hey, they need me back in there,” Buffy reluctantly told Spike. “Did you need something or was this just a hello call?”

 

“I was wondering if you were staying the night or going back.”

 

There was so much loneliness in his voice that it made Buffy hurt. Even if she had been planning on going home that evening, she wouldn’t now.

 

“I’m staying. I have an appointment at three then I’ll be back at the house.”

 

“Good,” Spike replied. The relief that she was staying was evident even in that one word. “How about I stop by a deli and pick up some stuff for dinner?”

 

“Sounds wonderful,” Buffy said, standing back up. She smoothed down her black slacks, picking at a piece of lint. “You know me, the no can cook woman. Don’t forget to get something for Joy.”

 

“No problem. I love you and I’ll see you in a bit.”

 

“I love you, too,” Buffy said, then clicked off the phone. A thread of excitement ran through her at the thought of a quiet evening at the beach house and Spike in her arms. Showing her love for her husband was one of the things on the list she had made earlier and she mentally checked it off as she made her way back to her seat.

 

~~~~~~

 

The effect of his words was clearly evident on every member of the small group. Faith kept staring off into space, Raven and Wesley wouldn’t even look at him and Gunn kept fidgeting. Angel rubbed his furrowed brow as he accepted that the first step had been taken. Hopefully, Gunn would think that Angel himself was as guilty as the rest of them. It was the only way that everything would fall into place. Life without Cordelia in it didn’t hold much hope for happiness or meaning. He was ready to sacrifice himself to make an impact on the powers that was taking his wife away from him.

 

“All right everyone,” Giles said, standing to gain everyone’s undivided attention. “I think we need to discuss the prophecy that was discovered by Tanja. Wesley, please, relay what we have managed to translate so far.”

 

“Translate?” Buffy asked, looking up sharply. “What language was it written in?”

 

“Tanja’s native language of German,” Wesley said, “Which is rather fortunate considering that Tanja barely spoke English at the time she saw the plaque.”

 

“It was on a plaque?” Raven spoke up. “I thought you said it was in the cave where we were fighting.”

 

It was too coincidental. The only two to speak up so far was Buffy and Raven. Their questions seemingly aimed to cast doubt on the prophecy. The hairs on the back of Angel’s neck stood up in suspicion. From beneath his lashes he looked from Buffy to Raven. He let his demon slip nearly to the surface, using all of his strength not to take the final step. Using his darker side’s senses he could sense their fear. It oozed through the air in a thick flowing stream between the pair. He inhaled it, letting it feed him, as he pondered what was up with them. Laying his head back against his chair, he decided he could wager everything he had that Spike didn’t know anything at all about it. It was a very interesting tidbit that he tucked away for future dissection.

 

“Tanja said that she remembers there was a part of the wall that seemed to be different from the others,” Giles explained. “And there was a section that held the prophecy in the middle. Almost like a plaque that was put there.”

 

“Were there gates?” Buffy smiled.

 

Bingo, Angel thought.

 

Buffy was overplaying her hand. He leaned forward so that the Watcher’s view of her was almost blocked.

 

“It does seem to be a bit fanciful,” Angel said. He hoped that his questioning the artifact would help to cover the Slayer’s blunder before anyone else picked up on it. “No one else saw this plaque or this prophecy. Are we sure that she isn’t just making this up?”

 

“No,” Wesley replied forcefully. “It isn’t. If you would allow us to continue, we might actually be able to tell you.”

Angel smiled, leaned back in his chair, pressing his leg to Buffy’s. She looked over at him. Her eyes widened briefly but he only nodded his head. Her fear rose between them. But he turned away without relieving her worries. There was time later to find out what was going on.

 

“Why don’t you just tell us what this prophecy says?” Faith impatiently asked. “Get it out before any more comments are made.”

 

“Thank you,” Giles said. “An excellent idea, Wesley, please proceed.”

 

“All right,” Wesley said, standing. He glanced briefly around the circle then looked down at his notes. “Unfortunately, we don’t have all the prophecy, but we have enough to know it coincides with information that is in an ancient text that was found in Istanbul twenty years ago. This text is in the hands of Wolfram & Hart so we are assuming that the senior partners are going to try and play their hand in whatever is coming.”

 

The mood in the room changed. Gunn suddenly was very interested in making notes on his legal pad. His every movement belied his nervousness. And the three slayers all stiffened as if preparing for battle. The information was something that Buffy and Raven weren’t expecting. It was easy for Angel to deduce that whatever was going on that they didn’t have the full story. They also didn’t look at each other making him wonder if they even knew the other knew something. It was getting more perplexing by the moment.

 

“What we have been able to decipher from what Tanja remembers is this,” Wesley said. He paused to pick up his notes. “Three hearts forged into one soul, two winged creatures, we’ve don’t have the rest of that line or the next one, then it goes, Thrice tempted, one convicted holds closed the gate by faith, One fallen and all is lost, then there is a last line that we don’t have yet.”

 

“The line about the gate being kept closed by faith,” Fred interjected. “Is that the gate that is in the pit?”

 

“The pit that isn’t there anymore?” Faith questioned. “Because we blew that bitch sky high.”

 

“We’re not sure,” Giles said. “If it was truly the gate into hell then it would still be there beneath the rubble.”

 

“Uh, excuse me,” Buffy said, waving her pen around. “Aren’t we living on the hellmouth, therefore doesn’t that mean it’s a mouth that opens into hell so isn’t it a gate into hell?”

 

“Well, yes, technically,” Giles said, with a wry smile. “But even if we closed the hellmouth in the fight with the First, hell is still below Sunnydale. If the prophecy is talking about opening this particular one…”

 

“Then it means we did diddly-squat in the fight,” Buffy reiterated, with a sigh. “It can just be opened again.”

 

“Something along those lines,” Wesley said. “The Istanbul text is a religious manuscript that was found in a monastery under lock and key. The prophecy is very similar to a battle that is mentioned in this book. This battle is between good and evil that is waged not in a physical fight but in a fight of the heart.”

“A fight of the heart?” Angel asked. “What does that mean?”

 

“It means,” Giles said quietly. “The battle we could be facing can’t be won by weapons but by someone making the right choices.”

 

“Oh, that’s just great,” Faith complained. “We beat back the uglies only to find out that they could be set free again because someone says yes when they should have said no.”

 

“Exactly,” Wesley said.

 

“So, until we can finish translating both the prophecy and text,” Buffy said. “There isn’t really a whole lot we can do.”

 

“I’d like to know what we could do anyway,” Gunn said, breaking his silence for the first time that day. “If it all depends on one person, then all of us getting ready to fight sure isn’t going to help matters.”

 

“What if this one person,” Giles answered, “fails to do the right thing? It could unleash something worse than what we faced in the battle with the First. Being prepared to fight is all we can do.”

 

“Plus,” Wesley said. “If we can find out who this one person is then maybe we can help influence them to do the right thing.”

 

“So, it all goes back to what I was saying before,” Angel interrupted. “We, ourselves, are falling into the wrong choices. How could we ever hope to influence someone else to do the right thing?”

 

“Because in the end,” Buffy quietly said. “We are the right thing. We are the final force between hell and earth and I believe when it comes down to the line, we would make the choices on the side of good.”

 

It was then that Angel realized that Buffy knew who the person was. She believed in this person enough to try and interfere in the group finding out. He dismissed Spike from the equation because Buffy had sent him away. If he was the one, then she would have kept him close. His mind began to run through the people they knew who might be important enough to make a difference. He glanced around the room, his eyes settling on Raven. But then he shook his head. She wasn’t significant enough. He pressed his fingers together as he continued around the room, but couldn’t figure it out. He made a note to start paying more attention to who Buffy seemed to be molding.

 

The group broke up soon after that. Decisions and assignments had been handed out. But it wasn’t anything that wasn’t expected. The Watchers would continue to research, the notes of Tanja dreams would be given to the Watchers, Faith and Buffy to see if they could detect something that would help, and the others were to keep their eyes and ears open for any sign of trouble.

 

Deciding the present was as good as any time to put his plan into motion, Angel walked toward Gunn who was gathering his notes together.

 

“Hey,” Angel said, stopping next to his friend. Gunn looked questioningly up at him. “I rode into town with Buffy this morning. If you’re heading back to the office mind if I catch a ride with you.”

 

“No, that’s fine,” Gunn answered with a nod. “No problem at all.”

 

It was done.

 

~~~~~~~

 

Raven had barely paid attention to Angel’s speech. It couldn’t have anything to do with her because she hadn’t done anything. Well, at least not yet anyway. She doodled on her notepad as the others were getting ready to leave. The small talk didn’t interest her at all. Nothing seemed to be going right and for the first time she had doubts about her father doing the right thing. If everyone around her was screwing up, wasn’t the odds good that Spike would, too? It just didn’t bode well at all. And it would fit into the way her life was going right now.

 

A conversation interrupted her thoughts and without trying to appear conspicuous she listened a little closer to Fred and Wesley.

 

“I’ll be back in the office in a few hours,” Wesley said. “I need to stop at the Hyperion and drop off these notes.”

 

Fred made some agreement, kissed Wesley quickly before hurrying from the room. The woman always seemed to be in top speed for something, Raven surmised as she quickly formulated a plan. Standing, she made her way over to the Watcher.

 

“Wes, you’re going to the Hyperion?” Raven coyly asked, trying to appear as if she didn’t feel well.

 

“Yes, I am,” Wesley answered, even as he stuffed his notes and books into a briefcase.

 

“Would you mind giving me a ride there?” Raven asked, sitting in the chair vacated by Fred. “I was supposed to go with Mum this afternoon, but I’m not feeling too well and would rather go and lie down until she’s done.”

 

“Are you ill?” Wesley asked, in concern.

 

His caring made her feel guilty but she pushed it away. It was a good sign, she told herself. He cared and he wanted her. It was meant to be.

 

“I’ve got a bad headache,” Raven softly said, rubbing her forehead. “Please?”

 

“Of course you can,” Wesley consented. “Let me talk to Angel for a moment and then we’ll be on our way.”

 

Raven had to suppress the excitement that welled up within her. She closed her eyes to hide the glow she knew would be reflected in them and nodded in agreement. Now, all she had to do was convince Buffy that she wasn’t feeling well and everything would be set in motion.

 

Crossing her fingers as she made her way to Buffy, she hoped that the legends of her ancestry were true. If they were all she had to do was get Wesley alone, concentrate when she touched him, and he wouldn’t be able to resist her. Sometimes being from Lankasha wasn’t such a bad heritage after all, she decided.

 

Chapter 25 – Anticipation

 

 

We can never know about

The days to come

But we think about them anyway

And I wonder if I’m really with you now

Or just chasing some finer day

Carly Simon

 

 

 

Raven, I know something is going on, so talk to me…

 

If there is a problem with Connor, don’t just go after someone else…

 

This is only going to lead to trouble. I can feel it…

 

Her mother’s words kept echoing in her head. They warned of darker days that were to come. All of them had to be on to be on their guard against the evil that was trying to force its way back into their world.

 

And, then, there were the words that only spoke of the love Buffy had for the girl she had taken as her daughter. Raven knew her mother would be there for her if she wanted to talk about Connor. She would be held and petted as she cried out her pain. But a part of her didn’t want to care about the consequences of what she was doing right now.

 

Fear had been her constant companion ever since facing the First. It was like the boogey man her birth mother had used to keep her in line when she was a child. The First and the ubervamps had done more to destroy her soul than the humans that murdered her parents. Things she had seen and done that had been kept locked away, hidden deep inside of her.

 

She had to. She was the leader who led so many of the potentials to their death and then buried them in unmarked graves. Girls, who would never go home, or fall in love, or grow old. They gave their lives to protect people who would never know of their sacrifice. And they were rotting in the ground like useless trash.

 

So, she behaved. She was helpful to her family, did her duties without resistance, and loved the only boy she knew was stronger than she would ever hope to be. Now, in spite of all her industriousness, her world was falling apart anyway. Her father had left the family to pursue selfish desires, her boyfriend had dumped her and the evil of those days was returning.

 

It was too much for her to handle anymore. There was no one left strong enough to rely on to help protect her. The death wish that every Slayer had was tickling at the back of her mind. She was eighteen and her days were numbered. Buffy had already died once by her age and Faith only stayed alive as long as she had because she was serving time in prison.

 

Forcing her conscious to the back of her mind, Raven was determined to enjoy what life could offer her.

 

“Do you mind if we stop by your place and pick up that book you wanted me to read?” Raven nonchalantly asked. “I’ve decided to really focus on learning everything I can.”

 

It was a book about prophecies, and ancient predictions that the Watcher felt would be useful to Raven. She didn’t really like studying books, and avoided it at every opportunity. The delighted look on Wesley’s face let her know that she had pushed the right button.

 

“That’s an excellent goal,” Wesley praised, smiling warmly at her. “Learning about what you’re fighting can only make you more effective in your duties.”

 

“Thank you,” Raven replied, with a small smile. “I hope you’ll be there to answer any questions I might have.”

 

“Of course, I will. That is what a Watcher is for.”

 

She smiled as he switched lanes to head for his apartment while her lower belly cramped with anticipation. This afternoon she would take what she wanted. She would let herself gorge on physical delight without worrying about the dangers that would still be there later. Or even the people that would be hurt by her actions.

 

Like Fred.

 

Raven searched her mind looking for a justification for hurting the woman Wesley loved. There wasn’t one. So, she simply denied she cared.

 

~~~~~~~

 

“Nice car,” Angel remarked to Gunn, as they climbed into the titanium silver metallic 760i BMW sedan. He ran his fingertips along the smooth flannel grey leather of the interior. It was perfection. And very expensive. Not that Gunn couldn’t afford it on his salary from Wolfram & Hart. It was just the total polar opposite of what the man he first knew would drive. This car was representative of a lifestyle that Gunn once scorned.

 

“Yeah, I like it,” Gunn replied, turning the car on. He laughed. “Actually I love this machine. She goes very fast and you can take her anywhere.”

 

“Just like the perfect woman.”

 

“Yes.”

 

There was silence as Gunn maneuvered the car onto the city streets. The engine purred under his confident hand as he headed back to the law firm. Angel had to admire some of the changes in the man beside him. And then there were the things he hated about him. Like marrying a woman who didn’t like her husband to be part of Angel’s team then listening to her advice and changing his whole persona with tailored suits, fancy cars and a lifestyle that left the couple flirting with a society that demanded perfection.

 

He wondered what had been the final straw that took the last of the soul of the street kid that Angel first knew. In a way he wished he could try and reach Gunn, see if he could turn him back before it was too late. But there were bigger things at stake than one man who willingly signed his soul away.

 

“How is Delilah?”

 

“She’s fine, just fine,” Gunn answered, pulling the car to a stop at a red light. “Been driving me crazy with this party she’s putting together. Really hate that shit.”

 

“So, why are you doing it?” Angel asked with a laugh.

 

“Cause it makes her happy.”

 

There was almost a wistful tone in Gunn’s voice. A regret at how his life had turned out. It didn’t make things any easier on Angel. But his words were the perfect opening and he wouldn’t let them go to waste.

 

“I understand,” Angel remarked as the car moved forward again. He tried to instill as much sadness into his voice as he could. But it wasn’t a hard thing to do. All he had to do was pull up an image of Cordelia as she had been that morning, curled up in their bed, trying to bear as much pain as she could before asking for more morphine. She kept muttering that it wasn’t time and begging someone for mercy. But no one answered her pleas or his as he cried alone in the shower. There was no need to act. Sorrow was a constant companion these days. “If I could I would do anything to make Cordelia happy.” He laughed bitterly. “Or even pain free for one day.”

 

“Geez, I’m sorry, man,” Gunn said. “I’m such an ass.”

 

“No, you’re not,” Angel replied honestly. “The world continues to turn whether I want it to or not. I have to learn to live with that.”

 

“It’s got to be hard.”

 

“The hardest thing I’ve ever done. Nothing makes any sense anymore,” Angel said, staring out the window. “I’m at the point of not caring about what is right or wrong. I’m never allowed happiness. Everyone I’ve loved, I’ve lost. It’s all empty.”

 

“So, you’re going to give up the mission?” Gunn asked. “Walk away from the chance at the Shanshu?”

 

“It doesn’t mean anything if I don’t have her. Nothing matters and the whole world can fall into hell as far as I’m concerned. Once she’s gone, I’m going to live for me for a change.”

 

Gunn didn’t say anything. Angel really hadn’t expected him to. It was enough for now that the seeds had been planted. The senior partners wouldn’t let this opportunity pass if they truly thought they could get Angel playing on their side. It was what they had always wanted. And Angel was ready to hand it to them on a silver platter.

 

~~~~~~~

 

The house seemed deserted. There wasn’t any noise except for the ones Spike made as he entered. The quietness made him sigh in relief as he let himself into the beach house. No scene to happen upon that made him doubt himself or the life he had now.

 

He sighed.

 

Frustrated at his lack of belief in himself after all these years of being part of the team, married to the woman he loved and being a father. Sometimes when he was gone, or alone, the life he was leading seemed nothing more than a dream, or the results of a spell. That one day he would awaken and it would slip through his fingers no matter how hard he tried to hold onto it.

 

Trying to dispel the uneasiness curling in his belly, he headed for the kitchen with a determined stride. He glanced into rooms as he made his way toward the kitchen, wondering where everyone had disappeared to. Even Cordelia and her daytime nurse, Sylvia, weren’t in the house. Of course, there was always the possibility that Cordelia had gone to the hospital for some sort of treatment or doctor’s appointment.

 

He put the bags holding the large assortment of food he’d purchased down on the kitchen table. There was no doubt in his mind that everyone would find something within those four bags that they liked. He’d gotten enough to feed a small army.

 

Just as he was reaching to unpack the food, a shrill laughter from somewhere outside reached him. It made him smile as he recognized Joy’s shrieks of happiness. He hurried over to the sliding glass doors to look out over the beach. There was his small daughter running away from a wave that was quickly overtaking her feet. She jumped up and down, splashing water all over herself and Benjamin who was with her. Standing in the water with them was Molly and Amanda, laughing at the antics of the children.

 

His gaze followed Joy’s pointing finger to where a big umbrella was stuck in the sand. The people relaxing under it were not visible to him except for the toes that hung over the end of their loungers. He smiled because he knew one had to be Cordelia. It was good that she was outside getting some fresh air.

 

One of the persons with her stood and moved toward the children. It was a blonde girl with shoulder length hair. He furrowed his brows wondering who it was then his eyes widened in delight when she threw her head back to laugh at something.

 

It was Buffy.

 

His Buffy was back with the hair of gold that he loved so much. Transfixed by the sight, he opened the door to hastily make his way toward his wife. His earlier fantasy of her was being played out before him. A tiny red bikini was all she wore to cover her body that glistened in the afternoon sun. All it would take was two tugs and she would be naked for him to make love to. He growled deep in his throat at the thought.

 

She had just scooped Joy up into her arms when they noticed him. Joy shouted for him while Buffy smiled shyly at him. His footsteps quickened even more as they turned toward him.

 

All he could compare this moment to was that it was like coming home after four long years. He opened his arms, taking them both close against him, kissing his daughter on the cheek before turning to Buffy.

 

“Hi there,” Spike whispered, letting his fingers run through the locks that were swept to the side. Wispy bangs teased at her brows, falling softly to frame her face. He couldn’t take his eyes from her.

 

“Hi Daddy,” Joy said, demanding his attention. She wrapped her arms around his neck.

 

“Hey, little one,” Spike said, glancing at his daughter. “You having fun?”

 

“Yep, Benji play with me,” Joy declared, pointing at the boy. “We made a castle but a big wave,” she pulled her arms away to indicate the size of the destructive water, “came along and smashed it.”

 

“I wish I had seen it,” Spike said. “Why don’t you go make another one?”

 

“You come help?” Joy asked, wiggling to be put back down.

 

“Yeah, I’ll be there in just a moment.”

 

The little girl hit the sand running, the ruffles across the bottom of her bathing suit dancing with her movements. Once he was assured that Amanda’s attention was returned to her charge, Spike focused his on his wife.

 

“Hey baby,” Spike said, burying his face in her neck.

 

“Hey yourself,” Buffy said, sliding her hands under his shirt. “I take it you approve?”

 

“Yeah,” Spike said, looking down at her again. “I…maybe I shouldn’t make such a big deal but yeah, I’m glad that you’re back.”

 

“It’s the same me, silly.”

 

Not to him it wasn’t, but he let it drop with a smile. No longer would the shadows play tricks on him. When she walked away from him, he’d know who he was watching. This was the girl he loved with all his heart. Needing to imprint himself on her, he gathered a fistful of her hair, pulling her head back so he could kiss her.

 

There was no doubt though that it was his woman that was in his arms. Her fingers dived under the waistband of his jeans to touch that one spot on his lower back that drove him crazy. Her legs separated to allow his thigh to push against her center. And her tongue, it darted into his mouth, to tease him with its questing tip. A slow flame started where she was touching him, moving along his nerve endings until it burst out of control at his cock.

 

Spike reluctantly pulled away, throwing his head back to take a deep breath that maybe would help to clear his mind. He heard his wife giggle.

 

“I’ve still got it,” Buffy teased, her hands now on his chest. With a sassy smile she turned away. He watched the sway of her bottom for a moment before starting to follow her. Somehow he would find a way to get her alone tonight. Yeah, she still had it, but so did he.

 

With an evil grin, he started jogging toward her. He grabbed the string holding her top together and pulled. It came undone, leaving Buffy to clutch at her chest, as she yelped.

 

He moved past her then turned, jogging backwards.

 

“And I’m still the big bad,” Spike said, laughing as she fumbled with getting herself back together.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

Raven wandered around the living room as Wesley searched the shelves for the book. There were traces of Fred in the room, a picture of the couple on the side table, a soft, blue afghan thrown carelessly over the back of the couch, and a vase of flowers in the middle of the dining table. There was no doubt that the woman Wes loved spent a lot of time here with him.

 

Trying to sort through the thoughts jumbling in her mind and the emotions rampaging in her heart, Raven turned to stare out the window. Why couldn’t there be a place that held pieces of Connor and her? Things she could look at and know that he loved her and that others could see the evidence of their being a couple.

 

There was nothing. She still lived at home while he now lived in a dorm. They never spent much time together at either place. Sure Connor was at the house a lot, but it was like he was part of the whole family. It wasn’t theirs. She had a few mementos in her room of their time together, but it wasn’t the same. Her eyes filled with tears and she blinked them back. She refused to dwell on what was gone.

 

“Here, I found it,” Wesley triumphantly said behind her.

 

She turned to see him waving the book. It was now or never and she held her hand out to take it from him. She concentrated on the vibes she felt when they were alone, letting her fingers slide across his flesh as she took the book from him.

 

In amazement she watched the change come over him. His face hardened while his eyes grew brighter. He stepped closer to her and she tossed the book onto the table.

 

“I’ve wanted you for a long time,” Raven whispered, trailing her fingertips across his cheek.

 

His only response was to gather her close to him. The air crackled between them as he bent his head to kiss her. There was no gentleness, no love, no caring, only primal raw need in their kiss. She bowed under his expertise, letting him lead her as his hands rushed over her body. He cupped her bottom, grinding his erection into the softness at the junction of her thighs. It was like a storm taking her over as he bit into the curve of her neck.

 

“Now, you’ll have me,” Wesley said, bending down to throw her over his shoulder. He strode into the bedroom, tossing her down onto the mattress.

 

There wasn’t even a moment to take a breath before he covered her with his body. Harshness was in his kiss. No wondering if she was enjoying what he was doing as his hand covered her breast, tweaking her nipple with an almost painful grasp.

 

His hands moved downwards to tear at the fastening of her jeans.

 

And she wondered what the hell she had done.

 

 

 Chapter 26 – Running Blind

 

 

Running blind

I’m running blind

Somebody help me see I’m running blind

Searching for nothing

Wondering if I’ll change

I’m trying everything

But everything still stays the same

I thought if I showed you I could fly

Wouldn’t need anyone by my side

Now I’m running backward

With broken wings I know I’ll die

Godsmack

 

 

 

“Mummy, are we sleeping at my Angel’s house tonight?”

 

“Yes,” Buffy replied, drawing the sudsy washcloth along her daughter’s back.

 

“I’m staying, too?”

 

“It’s what I just said, isn’t it?” Buffy teased.

 

“Oh,” Joy said, digesting the fact that she wasn’t going to go back to the Hyperion for the night. But just as quickly as she accepted that answer, she had another question. “Where am I going to sleep?”

 

“With Daddy and me,” Buffy answered. She cupped her hand, scooping up the bathwater, to rinse the soap off of Joy. Her daughter had been covered in sand and salt, so it was sensible to just to go ahead and bathe her before dinner. The others were in the kitchen setting up dinner. “Put your head back,” Buffy instructed, picking up the hose to wash Joy’s hair.

 

“In the middle, Mummy, between you and Daddy?”

 

“If you want,” Buffy absently replied. Another chill had just run down her spine. There was something wrong. A niggling feeling kept harping at her, but her daughter’s incessant questions and demands prevented Buffy from being able to decipher it. She just wished she knew what it was.

 

“Can my teddy sleep with me?”

 

“Yes, pet, teddy can sleep with us, too.”

 

Buffy worked the shampoo into Joy’s hair. This was a task she normally enjoyed. Always a moment of bonding that was theirs alone. Usually Joy had more toys than water in the tub, but because they were at Angel’s all she had was the mountain of bubbles from Buffy’s shower gel.

 

“I wish Candy was here,” Joy announced. “She could sleep with us too. I bet she misses me.”

 

“I bet she does too,” Buffy said, smiling. She kissed her daughter’s forehead while tipping her head back to rinse the shampoo out. “But I think we’d be a little crowded if she was in bed with us.”

 

“You need a bigger bed,” Joy decided as if that was an easy solution. She stood so Buffy could get all the soapsuds off of her. The moment the last bubble had slid off of her to plop into the water, Joy held her arms out to her mother. “Pick me up, Mummy.”

 

Buffy swung her out of the tub, wrapping a huge, fluffy towel around Joy’s wiggling body. Nothing had ever compared to this in her life. Holding the child she’d created with Spike, left with her a feeling of completeness. There was no comparison in the love she held for all of her children. It’s just that Joy let her know that even though she was made for killing her body could still create life.

 

Her only pain was that the pregnancy hadn’t been a time of love and reflection. It was an ugly time of regret, pain, and the near destruction of her marriage. Spike’s words before he’d left home about having another baby kept tempting her. He would love to fill their home with a dozen babies. It was her that held them back. It was fear of letting go again. Could she?

 

“Can I wear my new dress?” Joy asked, interrupting her thoughts.

 

“Maybe you should save it for when you go out somewhere.”

 

“We’re going home in the morning?”

 

“Yes, Journey, we are going home in the morning,” Buffy said, resorting to her daughter’s full name as the irritation grew. It wasn’t really directed at Joy. There were a thousand thoughts running through her mind. And through it all the unease was becoming stronger. Every time she got close to wrapping her mind around it, Joy would ask another question and she would lose it.

 

“If I save it then Daddy and my Angel won’t see it when it’s new.”

 

Children’s logic, Buffy thought with a shrug. There wasn’t really any way she could argue with it, because she was wearing the new khaki shorts and pink pullover she’d bought during her afternoon shopping spree. She smiled. If nothing else Joy was her daughter. Buffy had the same reason to wear her new outfit. She wanted Spike to see her in it. So, she pulled the tags off the yellow sundress with a large pink flower on the front for Joy to wear.

 

Joy finished pulling her underwear up and clapped her hands when her mother held the dress out for her. “Yay, I get to wear it,” Joy exclaimed, pushing her hands through the arm holes. She did a pirouette letting the dress fly out. “Am I pretty, Mummy?”

 

“Always,” Buffy swore, grabbing the hair brush off the dresser. “Let me get your hair done so we can go eat dinner.”

 

“I’m hungry.”

 

“Me, too,” Buffy agreed, working the brush through the mass of black curls that Joy sported. It was going to be strange introducing her daughters and herself to new people. Each one had a different hair color making the resemblance between them harder to discern.

 

The payoff for being blonde was going to be worth it though. The smoldering looks Spike had been casting her way all afternoon told her how happy he was about it. There was a hunger there that she hadn’t seen in years. It made her wish that their daughter wasn’t sharing their bed tonight. They’d find a way to find some time alone and there was that trip with Spike to look forward to. It held even more promise now. Hours spent naked with her husband. It sounded like the luxury that it was.

 

“Are you finished?” Joy asked with an impatient edge.

 

“Oh, sorry, baby,” Buffy said, pulling the brush away. A smile danced across her lips as she realized that she had been lost in a sexual fantasy about the man she’d spent the last decade with. But just as quickly as she had returned to reality that feeling was back. “Let’s go eat.”

 

Joy didn’t wait for her. She ran for the kitchen, shouting for her Daddy and Angel, as she sped down the hallway. Buffy tossed the brush on the dresser. It clanked against the frame holding Raven’s picture. A wave of nausea hit her. She tried to clear her mind to figure out what was wrong, but the rolling of her stomach was taking precedence.

 

Straightening up, Buffy hurried toward the hallway that led to the kitchen. The sounds of loud conversations, laughter and the clinking of dinnerware were overflowing into the rest of the house. It was a homey feel that she hoped would dispel the fog in her head. She had just stepped into the kitchen when Amanda backed up into her. They collided. Buffy put her hand up to steady herself when everything became crystal clear.

 

The pain filled her heart, taking her breath away, and she gasped from its intensity. Her head was filled with a cacophony of noise. The music was loud, warring with the sound of car horns and an almost cruel laughter. Another wave of the torrential hurt moved through her, driving Buffy to her knees. She wrapped her arms around herself, rocking from the dizziness that made it impossible to think. She was falling. Lost in something she’d never known existed before.

 

Blessedly she passed out.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

Several hours earlier…

 

“Stop,” Raven said, pushing Wesley’s hands away from her pants. “Please no, don’t.”

 

“You wanted this,” Wesley said, struggling to finish dragging the zipper down. He leaned down and bit the side of her breast. “Remember always wanting me…”

 

“Don’t, Wes,” Raven pleaded, covering his hands with hers. “You’re not like this…I know it…you’re hurting me.”

 

In all of her fantasies, she’d never imagined something this ugly…this wrong. It brought all of her emotions clattering to a crystal clear stop. This wasn’t love. It was lust. A part of her wanted to sob, curl up into a ball, and pretend this wasn’t happening but it was.

 

Because of her and powers she had no idea of how to use or control. Much less what they exactly did. The succubus blood was a family legend that had never been called upon that she knew of. Damn her and her stupid ideas of revenge.

 

Wesley grabbed her wrists, pinning her to the mattress while he loomed over her. “It would seem that if you would quit struggling then I wouldn’t be hurting you. Now would I?”

 

“You don’t understand,” Raven cried. “I put a spell on you.”

 

“Yes, you did,” Wesley agreed, “with that sexy young body of yours.” He smiled before dipping down to grind his mouth against hers.

 

Clamping her teeth together, Raven tried to turn her head, but he seemed to follow her. His tongue was trying to force its way into her mouth while his knee went to separate her legs. He wasn’t going to stop on his own until it was over with. Until she’d given him what she’d made him want. She went still, letting him think that he’d won. She waited for the right moment then used her strength to shove him off of her. He went flying into the dresser on the other side of the room. His head made contact with the solid wood with a resounding thud.

 

“I’m sorry, Wesley, please I’m sorry,” Raven said. The tears were coming now, in regret and in embarrassment. She backed up, prepared to run, before he could regroup.

 

The sound of the front door opening made her freeze.

 

“Wes, where are you?” Fred called. “I left a folder here that I need…”

 

Raven whimpered and Fred saw her for the first time. She immediately wore an expression of concern.

 

“Raven, what’s wrong?”

 

The older woman rushed to her side making Raven shrink back. The bad dream was becoming a nightmare of great proportions. She tried to get around Fred, but the recovery of Wesley made her stop.

 

“What the hell is going on here?” Fred demanded, looking from Wes to Raven. She looked horror stricken as she immediately thought the worse. “Wes, what did you do?”

 

In spite of the urge to lay it all on Wesley and get out of there with her reputation intact, Raven knew she couldn’t, especially when Wesley was coming at them like a charging bull. She shoved Fred behind her then swung with a right hook that caught Wesley on the chin. He staggered back. The second blow was too much and he fell unconscious to the floor.

 

“Raven, did he hurt you?” Fred asked, grabbing her arms while inspecting her face.

 

“No,” Raven responded, shaking her head. “It was my fault. I...used my powers on him. I didn’t know it was going to turn out this way. He was…out of control.”

 

“You used your powers to what?” Fred asked, stepping back from Raven. “What did you do to Wesley?”

 

“I’m part succubus,” Raven sobbed, hoping for a little understanding.

 

But she’d gone too far. The slap rocked her back on her heels. Raven covered her face with her hands. She deserved it.

 

“You manipulating, selfish bitch,” Fred snarled. “You have no idea of what you’ve done to him. Get out of here before you cause anymore trouble.”

 

The rest of her world crumbled around her. Everyone would know and she would face the ridicule, the reprimands and the disappointment of her parents. Raven ran without direction. The overwhelming emotions that were tearing her apart gave power to her feet as she traversed the city streets.

 

 

~~~~~~

 

Spike handed Joy over to Angel so he could prepare a plate for his daughter. She was chattering like a blue jay that was greeting the day. He smiled as he heard the sleeping arrangements for the night, thinking bloody likely that it was going to happen. Not when all he’d been thinking about for hours was shagging his wife into orgasmic bliss.

 

He was just spooning potato salad onto a plate when he heard Buffy’s approach from the hallway. With a grin of anticipation for the coming hours, he turned around.

 

“Amanda, watch it,” Molly hollered as the taller girl backed up into Buffy.

 

“God, I’m sorry…,” Amanda started to apologize but was stopped by the sounds Buffy was making.

 

They sickened Spike. They were sounds that torture victims made just before they were broken. He dropped the spoon, hurrying to her side when she fell to her knees. She screamed then fell backwards. He caught her just before her head hit the tile floor.

 

“Baby, what’s wrong?” Spike asked desperately, but received no answer. Buffy was out cold. He picked her up, carrying her into the living room, ignoring the family that was trailing behind them. He laid her gently on the couch and sat beside her. The skin beneath her twisted mask of pain was ashen. She moaned then her eyelids fluttered.

 

“Come on, Buffy, wake up,” Spike pleaded. “Tell me what’s wrong?”

 

“Is Mummy hurt?” Journey asked, crying and struggling to get out of Angel’s arm. “Let me down. I want my Mummy.”

 

The little girl wiggled her way of Angel’s arms then darted over to Spike. She threw herself into Spike’s arms.

 

“It’s going to be okay,” Spike whispered, hoping he was right. He kissed her forehead, nuzzling the sweetness of her before pushing her away. “Stay with Angel so I can take care of Mummy.”

 

“Come here, baby girl,” Angel soothed, taking the child back, but this time he sat on the edge of the coffee table so she could still be near her parents. Cordelia came to them, laying her hand on Angel’s shoulder.

 

“Raven,” Buffy murmured. She shook her head as if she was trying to clear it. Her eyes opened slowly.

 

“Buffy, are you all right?” Spike anxiously asked, brushing her hair back from her face.

 

“Oh, god, oh god, oh god,” Buffy lamented, her hand covered her mouth as she tried to sit up. Spike tried to keep her lying down but she pushed him back. “Spike, it was Raven. I could feel everything…she’s in trouble.” She threw her arms around her husband’s neck while sobs racked her body. “Spike, help my baby…she’s so hurt.”

 

 

 Chapter 27 – Sin Wagon

 

 

 

He lived his life

Now I’m gonna go live mine

I’m sick of wastin’ my time

Well now I’ve been good way too long

Found my red dress and I’m gonna throw it on

‘Bout to get too far gone

Praise the lord and pass the ammunition

Need a little bit more of my twelve ounce nutrition

One more helpin’ of what I’ve been havin’

I’m taking my turn on the sin wagon

Dixie Chicks

 

 

 

 

The music was raucous, filling the room with its driving beat, seemingly casting a spell on the hundreds of people filling the dance floor. They all moved to the rhythms piped through the sound system and blaring through speakers strategically placed around the room. Lights flashed in brilliant hues over the moving flesh that sparkled under their glow.

 

It fit her mood exactly. Raven held Rona’s hand, pulling her into the gyrating mass of people. Some human, some not, but she wasn’t on duty and right now she didn’t care. She just wanted to forget. Forget about her broken heart, her huge mistake that afternoon, the boy in Sunnydale she loved, the fault line of her parent’s marriage and that never ending duty of hers. She flipped her hair back as she caught the eyes of a man that was giving her the once over.

 

Tonight was hers. And tonight she planned on doing some living.

 

“He’s so cute,” Rona shouted in her ear.

 

“Very fuckable,” Raven returned with a bashful smile that showed the innocent girl that still existed beneath the woman in leather she was displaying. She positioned them where she would be the most on exhibit. Not only to the man whose attention she had already caught but to the others that surrounded them. With a laugh she began to move to the music.

 

For the first time in over a year she felt free.

 

 

~~~~~~~~

Buffy paced the kitchen floor, listening to Spike on the phone. They were trying to trace Raven’s movements since she had left the Red Dragon that afternoon. There hadn’t been an answer when they had tried to reach Wesley on his cell phone. Spike was now on the phone with Kate and from the sound of it, there wasn’t any good news.

 

“Okay, thanks,” Spike said distractedly. He clicked the phone off and turned to everyone gathered waiting for information. “She didn’t show at the Hyperion. Giles and Kate haven’t seen her. But then Wesley hasn’t shown either.”

 

Spike didn’t look at her but at Angel. They didn’t speak but their gaze spoke volumes. If Wesley had done anything to harm Raven, Buffy didn’t think he would survive the night. Both vampires had amber flashing in their eyes and she knew they wouldn’t hesitate to protect Raven. No matter what the cost.

 

“Call Wesley’s apartment,” Buffy said firmly. “Maybe something happened and she’s still there.”

 

Spike nodded and dialed the phone. His fingers drummed his impatience on the kitchen counter. The concern for his eldest daughter was evident in every move of his tense body. All he was looking for was a starting point. Once he knew where Raven had been, he and Angel would take off to track her. Buffy hugged herself as she waited. Her stomach was tied in knots as the link between the two Slayers grew stronger. If only the connection would give her a clue where she was instead of just taunting her with the pain her baby was in.

 

“What the bleedin’ hell are you saying?” Spike snarled to whoever he was talking to. “Raven isn’t a damn witch. So, how the fuck could she do that?”

 

Suddenly Spike punched the wall with a display of fury that made everyone in the room jump. Something was seriously wrong and Buffy rushed forward to grab the phone. Fred was still giving a steady stream of angry babbling.

 

“And your daughter put the spell or whatever on Wesley,” Fred said. “Not the other way around. It’s torn him up in guilt. Stay away from him. Your daughter is the problem. She manipulated him without any concern to how anyone else felt. The lying little…”

 

“Watch it, Fred,” Buffy warned. “I don’t know what happened but you had better give me something to go on if she’s in trouble.”

 

“You’re daughter is a succubus.”

 

And with that bombshell the phone was hung up in her ear, leaving Buffy staring at it in mute shock.

 

“How could she lie like that?” Spike demanded, vamping out. “Is she daft? Trying to lay the blame on Raven for that bastard boyfriend of hers trying to rape my little girl.”

 

It was only Buffy grabbing a hold of his arm that prevented Spike from leaving the room. He snarled at her as he tried to pull away. Spike was ready to kill and ask questions later. And later would be too late for the Watcher.

 

“Spike, stop,” Buffy demanded, putting her hand out to stop Angel from interfering. “He didn’t try to rape her.”

 

“Bollocks, she’s a child…”

 

“No, she’s not,” Buffy said, cupping his face. “She’s eighteen and very much a sexual being whether she’s actually having sex or not. Fred could very well be right. We have no idea of what powers are inside Raven. She’s never indicated anything about wanting to explore that side of her and we’ve never insisted either.”

 

“Quit excusing that sorry son of a bitch,” Spike growled, grabbing Buffy’s arm and physically removing her from his path. “He’s dead when I get a hold of him…”

 

“Angel, tell him,” Buffy pleaded. “Tell him what was happening at the meeting earlier…about Raven and Wesley.”

 

“It’s true, William,” Angel said, placing a hand on Spike’s arm. “Your daughter was very much…into Wesley. And while I agree that he shouldn’t have been encouraging her in any way. There was something different about Raven today. So, many emotions flowing through her.”

 

“You all don’t know, do you?” Amanda spoke up. She took a step back as the three turned their attention to her. She visibly swallowed as she glanced at each of them. “Connor broke up with her this morning.”

 

It suddenly made sense. All the pain that Buffy could feel from Raven. The confusion, the hurt, and the need for sexual attention. Buffy blamed herself. She had kept putting off talking to Raven about her relationship with Connor. They had seemed so happy together that it didn’t seem to be a priority. Now, she wondered how much Raven had been keeping from her.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

His tongue was ramming down her throat making her want to gag, but she didn’t. She pushed back on his shoulders and laughed up at him. He had the most beautiful green eyes she’d ever seen.

 

“Slow down a little,” Raven said coquettishly. Her eyelids fluttered as she accepted his embrace. “We’ve got all night.”

 

Not that she intended to stick with him that long. Or even much more than a dance or two. He was cute, could move well on the floor, and he was buying her drinks without asking her age. It was all she needed at the moment. Her confidence in her Slayer powers made her unafraid of taking risks. The guy was human after all.

 

“I swear your eyes are glowing,” he said, in her ear. His hands cupped her bottom, pulling her closer to him and she capitulated. It felt good to be wanted.

 

“It must be you,” Raven returned, nibbling on his ear lobe.

 

She caught Rona’s look behind her. The rolling of the other girl’s eyes and she just laughed. It was her night. She was the one in control.

 

“Let’s go get a drink,” he asked, kissing the side of her mouth. “Find someplace to sit the next one out.”

 

“Sounds good to me,” Raven replied, allowing him to pull her out of the crowd.

 

~~~~~~~

 

The adults stood in stunned silence at Amanda’s confession. The two vampires tensed visibly as they eyed each other with what amounted to blame in their eyes. They had never wanted the couple together and had only tolerated it because there didn’t seem to be any choice. Connor and Raven had been determined to be together despite all the differences that should have kept them apart.

 

“Don’t even start,” Cordelia warned, from her spot on a bar stool in the corner. “You two fighting isn’t going to help the situation. Angel call Connor, find out what happened and see if he’s heard from her.”

 

“Uh,” Molly spoke up. “Let me call Rona. See if she’s heard from Rave.”

 

“What are you thinking?” Buffy asked, hurrying over to the two young women that seemed ready to bolt. “Raven’s in serious trouble. We need to find her now. And anything could help.”

 

Amanda and Molly turned to each other then nodded before looking back at Buffy. They had given each other permission to break a pact among them.

 

“Rona’s room is over the fire escape,” Molly said. “We use it to sneak out of the school sometimes.” She hung her head and continued. “We all have fake ID’s.”

 

“Where do you all go to hang out?” Spike demanded.

 

“Clubs, the pier,” Amanda answered, stepping closer to Molly. “Wherever…just to get out from all pressure sometimes. Faith knows the local places pretty well…we listen to her sometimes and goes where she goes.”

 

“I’ll kill her,” Buffy muttered. “Some things never change.”

 

“Oh, it’s not her fault, Mrs. B,” Molly insisted. “She’s always lecturing us on being good and sh..stuff. She talks to Max and to Dylan and we just overhear things.”

 

“I’m heading for the Hyperion,” Spike said. “Call Faith then call me with whatever information you can get.”

 

“I’m coming with you,” Angel said, then added before Spike could protest. “I care about her, too.”

 

Spike only hesitated for a second before nodding his acquiesce. Breathing a sigh of relief that they would be working together to find Raven, Buffy squeezed Spike’s hand. He cupped her cheek before giving her a hard kiss.

 

“I’ll find her, Luv,” Spike promised before striding away. Angel followed him with a determined stride. She knew they wouldn’t return until they had found the wayward teen.

 

“I’ll call, Faith” Cordelia said, reaching for the phone. “Have her check out Rona’s room and warn her that the boys are on their way.”

 

Buffy wrapped her arms around herself and tried to send reassuring thoughts to Raven. Suddenly a wave of dizziness crashed through her again and she stumbled as she reached for something to hold her up.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

Maybe she shouldn’t have had the last drink, which had been her fifth by the way. In the past she had only had a few glasses of wine or a beer but never anything with this bite. Rum and coke had sounded so easy to order, but it was packing quite a wallop on her system. The room seemed to be spinning around her. That is, it would be if her eyes were open.

 

They were closed because he was kissing her again. Her legs were across his lap and his hands seemed to be everywhere on her. Raven wished for the hundredth time today that she had just gone with her mother this afternoon. But no, she had to prove that someone…anyone could want her. And now, the control didn’t seem to be in her hands anymore.

 

Where was Rona? She whimpered as his hand cupped her breast and she feebly tried to push him away. He stopped for a second, smiling down at her.

 

“I think we should get out of here, don’t you? Some place where we can be alone.”

 

“I need to find my friend,” Raven said, trying to slide away from him. He held on. “Let go of me,” She demanded trying to stand but the room swayed beneath her and she fell back onto the small couch. “Please find Rona for me.”

 

“Don’t worry, baby, I’ll take care of you,” he promised, pulling her close again.

 

~~~~~~~

 

Angel brought the Viper to a stop outside the Hyperion. Faith and Dylan were waiting for them. Both their faces filled with concern, but Angel suspected that Dylan’s was just an act. He wanted to snap at the pup to get away, that this was a family concern, but decided that maybe Spike would want him there. Why he didn’t know and wished he had more time to deal with this wayward childe.

 

“Hey,” Faith called to them as soon as they stepped out of the car. “I talked to Cordy and got the scoop. No one has seen Rona for a few hours and the window in her room is cracked. It looks like they did sneak out.”

 

“Where?” Spike asked, walking toward the side of the building.

 

“This way,” Faith said, leading them around the hotel to the side that was away from the street. The ladder for the fire escape was down. “So, they came down here but they could have gone anywhere from here.”

 

Spike lifted his face to the breeze, sniffing for the scent of his daughter on the air. Even in the city of thousands with all the smog, Angel didn’t doubt that Spike could trace Raven. It wasn’t just the scent alone that would guide him, but the blood oaths made between them during Buffy’s pregnancy. Raven was a part of Spike by blood…family in so many ways. Her very essence would call to the vampire that was her father. Spike just needed to return to his roots and once again leave behind his desire for being human in order to find her. Angel smiled when Spike took off.

 

The others followed Spike as he wound through the city streets towards where a lot of clubs made up the LA scene. Raven didn’t have the pull by herself to get into any of the more exclusive clubs but there was plenty where just a pretty face would grant you entrance. It was one of these clubs on a side street that Spike led them too. Hookers paraded up and down the street along with unscrupulous men looking for a cheap thrill. Angel’s hackles rose at the thought of the girls being here. Slayers or not, they were a lot more innocent than they wanted to be.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

Nothing was in focus. She kept trying to sit up but her body wouldn’t move. She couldn’t even cry. She couldn’t do anything but fight desperately to stave off the darkness that was trying to drown her. Male voices surrounded her and hands kept touching her.

 

“Daddy,” Raven slurred, but he wasn’t there. No one knew where she was. There was a ripping sound and she realized what was about to happen to her. And she gave up, allowing herself to sink in to the darkness.

 

~~~~~~~

 

Spike growled low in his throat as he rushed through the front door of the club. Raven was there. He’d heard her call for him. Not with his ears, but with his heart. The closer he got to Raven the more he could feel Buffy pouring through him, leading him toward their child. It was as if the three of them were connected and he opened himself to them.

 

The others were following him but he moved through the crowd with a single minded determination. Her scent was overwhelming here among these people. So, was evil. It permeated every plank and stone that held the building together. There was blood in the very foundation of this building and he resolved when this was over to see it burned to the ground.

 

“Oh, god, Spike,” Rona cried, running up to him and grabbing him. “I can’t find Raven. She was with this guy…”

 

Spike looked through the girl in front of him. He pushed her aside as he spotted a staircase with a bouncer standing guard. The guy never knew what hit him as Spike picked him up and tossed him aside. He could feel Raven’s fear as he ran up the stairs. Angel was beside him and he was grateful for that. The two of them moved as they once did down the hallway. Both were in vamp face as the emotions overcame them.

 

There was another locked door that splintered easily under their boots. A room meant for only ugly business by a human that was more evil than most demons. On the bed lay an unconscious Raven and a man in the process of disrobing her. He looked up at the intruders, scrambling upwards before he hit the wall with a thud. Spike was there to catch him when he fell. His hands wrapped around his head ready to break his neck for the nerve of touching his daughter. The sight of this man on top of Raven would burn through him for eternity and he wanted to make sure that the last thing in life he saw was Spike’s vampire countenance.

 

Arms locked in his, pulling him off the human before he had the satisfaction of ending his life. Spike roared his rage as he tried to pull away from his Sire’s and Dylan’s grasp. The sneer on the human’s face only increased his ire and he used the leverage from those holding him to kick upwards into the man’s face. The crunching of bones was a satisfying sound until he was pulled backwards.

 

“No,” Angel said. “We can’t take the heat. We need to get Raven out of here and to Kate. He’ll pay later.”

 

It was a promise from one father to another father. Spike knew that Angel would keep that promise, but it wasn’t enough. He nodded a lie then once free pounced on the man, raining his fury down on him.

 

“Spike, no, cops are coming,” Angel said, grabbing his childe around the chest and neck. “We have to get out of here before we have to explain who we are to them.”

 

“I want a piece of him,” Spike said, kicking the man in the groin, enjoying the scream it elicited. It would have to do for now. He knelt beside the groaning man. “That’s my little girl and she’s the last female you will ever touch. Count on it.”

 

He turned to where Faith was holding Raven. His daughter now had a blanket wrapped around her to hide the nudity of her upper body. He picked Raven up in his arms, kissed her gently on the forehead before turning to follow the others from the room.

 

 

Chapter 28 – Riverwide

 

 

I spent a year in the mouth of a whale

With a flame and a book of signs

You’ll never know how hard I’ve failed

Trying to make up for lost time

 

Once I believed in things unseen

I was blinded by the dark

Out of the multitude to me

He came and broke my heart

 

In the morning you wait for the sun

And secretly hope it won’t come

But time washes everyone clean

Sheryl Crow

 

 

 

Buffy jumped from the car before it even stopped. Her mind was focused on only one thing. Raven. The call from Faith had confirmed her fear of what was happening to her daughter. The connection between them seemed to be fading as Raven’s fears lessened. Of course, there was no way for Buffy to distinguish between her own grief over what happened or that of Raven’s. All she recognized was the emotions rampaging through her nervous system and the overwhelming need to be next to Raven.

 

The double doors of the Hyperion were barely left hanging on their hinges as Buffy burst through the door. Her footsteps faltered for only a moment as she took in the sight of the filled lobby. Every slayer and teacher in the school seemed to be gathered there. The anguish filled faces turning to see who had entered let her know that they were there for Raven also. Without questions the girls parted leaving Buffy a path through them. She only took a second to nod before darting through them.

 

Like lightening through Buffy’s soul, sensations became more pronounced the closer she was to her family. The seething red of Spike’s anger, the uncontrollable helplessness that only fed that fury and the black pit of despair that was drowning Raven. It almost brought Buffy to her knees again, but she fought against it. They needed her too much to allow for self-pity.

 

Buffy ran through the clinic door, nearly running over a pacing Spike. He grabbed her arms to steady her. She only sank closer to him. Gathering strength and giving comfort to one another in the sanctuary of his arms.

 

“Where is she?” Buffy asked. Her voice muffled because her face was still buried in the crook of her husband’s neck. It was safe here. His arms locked around her waist, his breath whisper soft against her skin, and his fingers threading through her hair. For a moment she allowed her eyes to flutter closed as she inhaled the pure scent of her mate.

 

It was an indulgence that she didn’t linger upon, just as quickly she stepped away. She glanced around the room to the people gathered there, Angel, Faith, Max, Dylan, and Giles. Unable to deal with them at the moment she looked up into the tear ravaged eyes of Spike.

 

“Through there,” Spike said, pointing to the door that led to the larger room of the clinic.

 

Taking a deep breath, Buffy nodded, and headed in the direction he indicated. The door swung open silently at the push of her hand. She poked her head around to try and assess the situation before going in. Kate looked up, motioning her in, from Raven’s bedside. Buffy choked back a sob as she approached the bed that her daughter was lying in.

 

Raven appeared to be sleeping. She was lying on her back with her eyes closed. The rails were up on either side of the bed. Buffy shot Kate a questioning look as she reached down to smooth Raven’s hair back from her face.

 

“I thought it would be safer for her. She’s…,” Kate sighed softly, “intoxicated. Over the legal limit and she also has rohypnol in her system.”

 

Buffy’s eyes flew open as she choked out, “The date rape drug?”

 

Kate nodded.

 

“How…far?” Buffy asked, quietly. Spike had only said ‘tried’ without details of what exactly happened.

 

Raven whimpered, causing both women to turn their attention to her. Tears were pouring down her young face. She turned onto her side, curling into a ball as the pain overtook her. Buffy moving on maternal instinct brought the railing down and crawled in behind her daughter. She wrapped an arm around Raven in an attempt to bring her comfort.

 

“I’m so sorry,” Buffy cooed. “You’re safe now.”

 

“I wish I was dead,” Raven cried. Her voice slurred from the poisons in her body. “Everything is fucked up and it’s never going to be the way it was.”

 

“You’re right,” Buffy replied. Nothing was ever going to be the same for any of them. It was the one thing she was learning. Life never stood still for anyone. All they could do was their best and hope it was enough. “It never will be. But it can be better.”

 

“How Mummy? Connor doesn’t want me,” Raven said, taking Buffy’s hand. “Wesley and Fred hate me. I know Daddy is mad at me. I messed everything up.”

 

“Raven,” Kate interrupted them. She sat in a chair next to the bed so she was eye level with the teen. “You need to calm down. You’ve got a lot of stuff in your system that is only making things worse. Try to sleep. Your parents will be here in the morning, sort through everything then.”

 

Buffy tucked the blanket tighter around Raven before cuddling into her back. It was a good sign when her daughter settled into her embrace. Their hands were still locked together. Kate nodded approvingly as she stood up. The lights were turned off except for a small one by the front door. The only sound that could be heard was that of Raven crying which was lessening in intensity as the seconds ticked by. Her body grew lax against her mother as sleep overcame her again.

 

Not sure of how long it was Buffy remained where she was until she was positive that Raven was sound asleep. Only then did she ease from the bed. Raven didn’t move and Buffy tucked her in tighter. She motioned for Kate, who was sitting at a small desk, to follow her. The two women headed out to the waiting area.

 

The door hadn’t even swung shut behind them before they were surrounded by concerned family and friends. Spike was in front with Angel right behind him.

 

“How is she?” Spike asked, looking relieved when Buffy smiled and took his hands.

 

“She’s sleeping,” Buffy said, glancing around at everyone. “She woke up for a few minutes and talked to me.” She paused long enough to give a deep sigh. “She’s upset, scared, but we’ll be able to tell more of where she’s at after she sleeps for awhile.”

 

Spike nodded, looking over her shoulder at the door that kept him from his daughter. “Can I just…?”

 

“Yeah, go ahead,” Kate agreed. “Just be quiet.”

 

With that Spike slipped into the clinic.

 

“So, physically…she’s okay?” Rona asked, from her position leaning against the wall in the back of the room.

 

It was almost too much. Buffy had to restrain herself from verbally attacking the girl who had been with Raven. Her own dislike of Rona shouldn’t cause her to put all the blame on Raven’s friend. Amanda’s words of the young Slayers using fake IDs and the fire escape to spend time on the town returned to Buffy. It wasn’t one of them. It was all of them.

 

“Follow me,” Buffy said, heading toward the lobby. She gave a glance over her shoulder to make sure that Rona was following her. They all were.

 

“What’s up, B?” Faith asked, coming up beside Buffy.

 

“They are going to hate me,” Buffy said, with a shrug. “But I’m going to tell them what I think of their stunts.”

 

“Come on,” Faith said, stopping. “You can’t blame them all for what happened to Raven. She’s the one who decided…”

 

“No, it’s not just one,” Buffy declared, whirling around to face her friend. “It’s all of them. Isn’t it Rona?” She looked for the girl behind the others.

 

“Not everyone,” Rona protested. “And it’s like Faith said. Raven was looking for a wild time. You can’t blame us all because she went a little crazy.”

 

“Oh, and you as the good friend encouraged her,” Buffy spat, closing the distance between them. “Knowing how upset she was, you went out with her anyway, didn’t call anyone for help. You drank with her, and she almost ended up raped. Is that what a good friend does?”

 

“Look, Mrs. Blood,” Rona snapped. “Maybe if you and your vamp of a husband took more of an interest in what’s happening to the people around you like your kids, instead of being so damn selfish, you would have known what was going down with Raven. But, no, you were all wrapped up in this constant struggle between you two to even notice.”

 

“You ever say one bad thing about my husband again,” Buffy snarled, grabbing Rona up by her jacket. “I’ll make sure that you are no longer welcome here. Do you understand me?”

 

“That’s enough, Rona,” Max ordered, wrapping an arm around Buffy’s waist to pull her back. “This isn’t the time or place.”

 

Buffy let go of Rona as Faith stepped between them. She had issued her warning. And if she had to, she would stand by it. Buffy had overlooked Rona’s call to stake Spike when he was being used as a pawn by the First and returned to the killing fields.

 

Rona was young and new to slaying, but she never seemed to let go of her dislike for Spike. No matter how much good he’d done since those days or all the good he’d done before. It didn’t matter to her. He killed therefore he should be dusted.

 

“Do whatever you want to,” Rona shouted, over Faith’s shoulder. “Do you really think they’ll follow you? You’re a bitch who puts damn vampires first.”

 

“Rona,” Max warned, even as Angel put a hand on the girl’s shoulder.

 

It was too much. This girl was complaining about everything that had been handed to her. Sure, she had to train, fight, and had faced the First, but she’d also been well taken care of.

 

“That’s right,” Buffy responded with a sardonic chuckle. “I’m the bitch who campaigned for this school so all of you could be together. And oh, yeah, it’s those vampires who are paying for it.” Her hands went to her hips. “You’re a sad case, Rona, very sad.”

 

Buffy stepped away from Max as she proceeded toward the lobby. The girls waiting there were crowding the entrance to the hall. If anyone was missing before, Buffy was sure they were there now. She didn’t stop until she reached the top of the steps at the doorway to the hotel. Faith and the others stood behind her. Rona was sulking at the rear of the room. The girls were all facing her. She let the Slayer in her take over.

 

“Apparently some of you think you’re invulnerable because you’re Slayers,” Buffy started. “You think that you don’t have to obey the rules because you’re special. Well, you’re wrong…very wrong.” Her arms crossed over her stomach. She began to pace. “That arrogance is what will get you killed. You think it’s all in the fight. It’s not. There is a million ways to bring someone down.” She stopped to look out over them again. “Your emotions will destroy you. They will take the best Slayer and bring her to her knees. I know that. Faith knows that. And now Raven knows that. Maybe I was wrong by not being open enough. By not letting you know everything we’ve gone through. We were arrogant to think it would make us appear weak as your leaders.”

 

She stopped to take a deep breath as she looked out over the young women. Some met her eyes with compassion or need and some were filled with pride. Those were the ones that scared her.

 

“There are going to be changes around here. Whether you believe me or not, I care about you…”

 

She couldn’t go on. She’d failed Raven. She failed them all…again. Sobs racked through Buffy’s body as guilt filled her. Rona had been right. She’d turned her back on her girls for her own selfish reasons. And that reason was there, nearly flying across the room to get to her, to wrap her up in his arms. She let him hold her. Once she had jeopardized everyone’s life to save him. To protect him even when he had shown her the bodies of those he killed. She sacrificed the group’s safety for him.

 

Because he was all she needed.

 

Accepting that truth only made her cry harder.

 

Chapter 29 – Purgatory

 

 

We will be the forgotten ones

They will shake their heads and pity us

We who sacrificed our sons and daughters

With the sweet taste of victory on our lips

They will cry, but their tears will come too late

There is no redemption for the ones

Who choose to walk in the shadows

 

Oh sweet redeemer will you save a place for me

I am tired and I’m seeking restitution

Oh will you heal me, will you take away my pain

What I’m looking for is absolution

Getting out of purgatory

Is no small accomplishment

And the price is high

And it comes with its own set of conditions

The choice is never clear and difficult to make

But it will not change them

They will just go on the way they always have

Pat Benatar

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was all going to unravel in a moment. Emotions were running high. Everyone was reacting instead of thinking. Being a Watcher meant control. Being in control of his charges, of the how the battles were fought and most of all keeping his own feelings in the background. In this case that training would serve him well. Giles stepped forward.

 

“Spike, please take Buffy back to the clinic,” he instructed firmly. “She doesn’t need to be dealing with this right now.”

 

Thankful that Spike only nodded his agreement, Giles waited until the couple turned the corner before turning his attention to the Slayers. For a moment he let his gaze wander over them, making eye contact when he could, and noting the ones that avoided that intimacy. There were a few that straddled the fence between good and bad but none that really took their rebellion too far. Well, that was the case until this night anyway.

 

“Buffy is right,” Giles started. “But it’s not just you that have become arrogant and lax. We all have. The fight with the First has left us feeling invincible. But we’re not. Already we know there is something else coming.” He pulled his glasses off as he paced across the steps. How much should he say? They didn’t know what they were fighting yet or how bad it would be. He sighed and looked out over them again. “We are horribly unprepared for any battle…small or large. When I look at you, I don’t see the unity that should be there. There is no standard to hold you responsible for your actions to not only yourself but to each other as well. Instead of pushing each other to do better, you encourage your fellow Slayers into a lifestyle that will only lead to trouble. Tomorrow morning, 6 AM, meet in the gym. An hour of calisthenics to start your day will be the first step in your new training regimen.”

 

The response was what he expected. A mixture of groans and muttered arguments, but no one was brave enough to openly challenge the order. They knew it wouldn’t do any good. The line had been crossed and punishments had to be doled out. If they wanted to be a part of this institution then they would have to accept it with some grace.

 

Angel stepped forward and leaned toward Giles. “May I say something?”

 

“Is it necessary?” Giles asked. It was a rare request. Maybe he should have realized that Angel wouldn’t have asked unless it was important. But a part of him would never trust this vampire and the less contact he had with the Slayers the better Giles felt.

 

“Yes,” was all Angel said in reply.

 

Unless Giles wanted it to appear there was a division among their leaders, he had no choice but to let Angel address the Slayers. With as much support as he could, Giles stepped back.

 

“There will be a meeting as to what further punishment and changes will take place around here,” Angel said. “We have conducted this school with the opinion that you knew the difference between right and wrong. We were mistaken in that belief. Some of the activities that I’ve heard about are not only ethically wrong but also illegal. This could lead to me or any of the people in charge here in deep trouble with the law. One of these things that I’ve learned about is the use of fake IDs to obtain entrance into clubs for the purpose of drinking. Anyone caught with one of these will face expulsion. If you choose to turn yours in and any other illegal substances, you will be given a second chance. Am I clear?”

 

Giles watched the reaction among the girls. The majority of them murmured agreements that would be enough to satisfy the adults that they were listening. Yet there wasn’t enough to lay blame on any one girl. But yet there was panic on a few faces. Giles committed their names to memory for further interrogation in a private meeting.

 

Angel stepped back and Giles turned to Faith and Max. “Is there anything the two of you would like to add at this time?”

 

“I would,” Max said. He nodded first to Giles and Angel then turned to the girls. “I think at this time that it would be best to give the Blood’s our support anyway we can. Buffy and Spike’s priority is Raven and shouldn’t have to worry with other problems that can be addressed later. For those that want to help them out, let us know and we’ll figure out the best way for you to do that.”

 

Once Max was finished, Giles looked to Faith who shook her head about wanting to add anything else. He made a mental note to speak with her because she seemed to be struggling herself.

 

“At this time you are dismissed. Don’t forget 6 AM in the gym,” Giles called to the girls who were quickly dispersing. He shook his head at the thought of being in charge of all those girls. And he once thought that being Buffy’s Watcher was the most difficult duty he could pull. Fate had proven him wrong once again.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

Buffy drew her legs up toward her and wrapped her arms around them. She was unraveling from everything she’d gone through since the first inkling of Raven being in trouble. Not only was she dealing with her own tangled emotions but also his and Raven’s. Spike sat beside her, handing her the cup of water she’d requested. He would walk to the moon and back if it would make her or their daughter better. Focusing on Buffy was helping him to push back his own feelings regarding the whole matter. There was nothing he could do at the moment but be there for them.

 

“Thank you,” Buffy murmured, handing him back the empty cup. With a sigh she leaned into his open arms. “I love you.”

 

“I love you, too.”

 

It was understood that they didn’t need to speak the other words. The ones that said they wouldn’t leave this room until they knew just how their daughter was going to be, if not emotionally, then physically. And there would be a time to speak of retribution against the man who hurt Raven and the ones who by their inactions allowed it to happen. There would be time later for them to deal with it. Now they needed to concentrate on each other and Raven.

 

It was a source of confusion for Spike as to what had made Raven unravel so fast. He knew her feelings for Connor was more of a hero worship crush than a mature love. Yet, for her to not only try to seduce Wesley but to also get drunk after sneaking out was totally unlike the girl they had spent the last couple of years with. Maybe the Raven they first knew but not the one who had taken the duty of being a slayer with such seriousness.

 

His absence from the family contributed to the problem. That he knew. Everyone was having problems dealing with the changes. From Journey all the way up to Buffy. Even if she wouldn’t say so. Sometimes it felt like vines were growing between them, except they were ones that grew thorns that dug into his skin. Buffy needed him with her. She wouldn’t admit it. Guilt filled him. But as he opened his mouth to tell her he was coming home, Kate entered the room.

 

“Spike, Buffy?” Kate said.

 

“Is she okay?” Buffy asked, pulling away from Spike and sitting up. “Did something change?”

 

“No, she’s still sleeping,” Kate hastened to reassure them. She took a seat on the chair next to the couch. “Her vitals are strong so at this point I think she just needs to sleep off the effects of the alcohol and rophynol.”

 

“I…I asked you earlier,” Buffy started, but she stopped to stare at her hands. She twisted them in the way she always did when she was upset. It took her a moment to compose herself again. Spike rubbed her back while she reined back the tears that were threatening her composure. Finally she looked back up at them. “What did that bastard do to her?”

 

“Buffy,” Kate said, reaching over to cover Buffy’s hands with her own. “I performed a full examination of her. There was no sign of penetration…either vaginally or anally. There is bruising on her inner thighs, breasts and several bite marks on her throat and shoulders. And before you ask they were normal human teeth imprints.”

 

Although he hadn’t seen any evidence of the act being completed, it was still a relief to hear that Raven had been spared from that final humiliation. Spike still wanted the bastard’s blood to be spilled. It was something that he couldn’t let go unpunished. Or even let the law handle. This was personal. This was his daughter. It was up to him as the alpha male to handle it.

 

“Even if you weren’t enough of a father to get to her in time,” Spike told himself as the guilt tore at his heart.

 

“Did she say anything to you?” Buffy asked, pulling Spike from his thoughts of revenge.

 

“Not a lot,” Kate said, shaking her head. “She was too out of it to really be able to comprehend anything. And it’s like I told her when you were there. The toxins in her system would only magnify her emotional state. It’s best for her not to think about it until she has a clear head.”

 

Buffy nodded. “Thanks Kate, I really appreciate you being here.”

 

“I’m going to get the two of you some blankets and pillows,” Kate said, standing. “Then I’m going to check on Raven before I head upstairs to check on my own family.”

 

In a few minutes they were alone again. Spike lay down on the couch, letting Buffy settle against him before tucking them under the blanket. He didn’t really think that either of them would sleep but this way they could hold each other. It was what he really needed anyway. Buffy’s strength. Things had certainly changed over the years. Once he was the one who held them together. But now she took care of him as much as he did of her. It felt good. Like a partnership. It was why he needed to return home. So, they could hold not only each up but let their bond strengthen their family.

 

“Thank you,” Buffy said. Her fingers drifted along his side. “For finding her for me…for us. I was so scared.”

 

“Me, too,” Spike whispered. “I’ve only felt that kind of horrified fear for one other person…Dawn.”

 

“Yeah, I remember,” Buffy replied with a small chuckle. “Halloween night and she decides to take off with a vampire. Damn, you would have thought that girl would have a vamp radar or something.”

 

“What is with you women?” Spike asked. “You get your ego bruised so you have to run off and do something stupid that doesn’t really make you look good.”

 

“Men,” Buffy said, turning her face up to kiss his chin. “You make us crazy.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever you say, Slayer.”

 

“I’ll be happy when this part of our life is over,” Buffy whispered. “I never want to be separated from you again.”

 

“What’s coming, Buffy? What do you see in that crystal ball of yours?”

 

His fingers crossed, praying she wouldn’t lie to him or put him off.

 

“The end of you, then us, and finally of the world.”

 

Spike closed his eyes. She gave him his freedom because it would be his choice. His responsibility if everything fell apart. He needed to decide where his loyalties lay. His weaknesses taunted him and for the first time in forever it was Donna on his mind when he went to sleep.

 

But he dreamed of Dylan.

 

 

~~~~~~~~

 

Journey opened her eyes. She blinked back the darkness, trying to find something that was familiar. She smelled the tang of the ocean, saw the outlines of the furniture, smelt her father’s essence surrounding her and could hear the waves crashing on the shore. Along with a softer sound. Breathing…labored breathing. She scrambled from the bed to investigate.

 

Mummy and Daddy weren’t back yet, she realized as she woke up a little more. Raven had to be hurt bad if they were still gone. No one had paid attention to her when Mummy kept hurting. She heard all the talk. It confused her. All she did know was that Raven was in trouble and her parents had gone to find her. She hoped her sister was okay.

 

The whole house was dark and it made her hesitate. The darkness held bad things. Everyone knew that. Daddy always left lights along the halls at home so she could always see what was there. Not here. She lifted her head and sniffed the air. It was just like in the bedroom. The scent of her family lingered in the air. The soap and the cologne they used couldn’t mask the individual aroma that each one carried. It wasn’t strong enough for them to be there. It was only a ghost of the true essence. She sorted through the olfactory input to identify who was home. In the house was Cordelia, Molly and something else besides her.

 

Journey’s eyes opened wide as a shadow danced across the living room wall. A gasp from Angel’s room made her break contact with whatever it was. She took off at a breakneck speed to the master bedroom. Not stopping to knock, she darted inside, and closed the door behind her. Her breathing was almost a pant and her little heart was pounding in her chest. Whatever was out there was scarier than the First had ever been. She knew it hadn’t come for her. It was there for Cordelia.

 

“Joy,” Cordelia called.

 

“Cordy.”

 

Journey approached the bed and the feeble hand reaching for her. She wrapped her small hands around it.

 

“You okay?” Joy asked.

 

Fear overwhelmed her. She didn’t want to be alone with Cordelia if she died. She was a little girl. What could she do? She’d seen shots being given to her aunt. There was a whole bunch of medicines on the table, but she didn’t know what was what. She wasn’t even supposed to be in this room.

 

“Yeah,” Cordy said. She gave a weak squeeze to the hands holding hers. “Is Molly still here?”

 

“She’s sleeping on the couch,” Journey said, looking over her shoulder. “There’s something else…out there.”

 

“It won’t hurt you, baby. It’s waiting for me to give up.”

 

“I don’t want you to give up,” Journey said.

 

“It’s not time,” Cordelia said. “Not tonight anyway. Do you want to sleep with me until they get home?”

 

Journey didn’t give a reply. She climbed up into the bed, being careful not to hurt Cordelia with any of her movements. Her Angel had told Daddy that Cordy was so thin that there wasn’t any padding to protect her from pain. Joy settled onto Angel’s side of the bed while Cordy pulled the covers over her.

 

“Thank you,” Joy said. “Are you scared, too?”

 

“Sometimes I am.” Cordy said. She smiled. “I won’t hurt anymore when it’s over though.”

 

“Oh.” It took a moment for Joy to process that information. Death was nothing new to her. She’d seen it several times. In battles mostly, once in the bathroom upstairs at home but none of them wanted to die. Those were deaths caused by the First. Because he was stronger than they were. For Cordelia to welcome it because it would relieve her suffering was something she hadn’t considered.

 

“But Angel will miss you and so, will I.”

 

“I know,” Cordelia said, brushing back Joy’s hair. “I’ll miss you both. But I know you’ll take care of each other so you won’t be alone.”

 

Journey nodded with enthusiasm. “I’ll take care of my Angel.”

 

“Now remember,” Cordelia said. “Angel gets all broody and you’ll need to kick him in the butt to get him out of it. He also likes to make decisions on his own because he thinks he needs to be in control. Grab him by the ear and tell him he needs to talk to people. And mostly he needs to be reminded that he’s okay. He doesn’t need to be perfect and all he can do is the best that he can. And that’s enough.”

 

The first two pieces of advice made Joy giggle. The last one made her nod her head in solemn agreement. It was like with Daddy. The two vampires both felt they owed the world everything they had. Sometimes forgetting they couldn’t fix it all.

 

“I’ll remember,” Journey promised.

 

Journey yawned, cuddling closer to Cordelia. Everything was okay and she didn’t have to be scared. Not yet anyway.

 

Chapter 30 – Away from the Sun

 

 

 

‘Cause now I’ve found myself

So far down, away from the sun

That shines into the darkest place

I’m so far down, away from the sun

To find my way back into the arms

That care about the ones like me

It’s down to this

I’ve got to make this life make sense

3 Doors Down

 

 

It hadn’t been planned. It was just an instinctive need for them to gather to discuss what was going on under their very noses. The Slayers going wild couldn’t be blamed all on one person, but it fell upon the shoulders of everyone accountable to them.

 

Although, the leaders concerned were all too ready to point the blame at each other. After the girls were dismissed Giles, followed by Angel, Max, Faith and the ever present annoyance that was Dylan gathered in the head Watcher’s office.

 

Angel refused to acknowledge his childe’s partner, even with a glance as he sat in a heavy leather chair by the desk. Max remained standing with his arms crossed hoping to intimidate the man Faith was sitting next to. Giles had hurried off to get a fresh pot of tea for them. The room was fraught with tension. No one wanted to be the first to introduce the subject that was weighing heavily on their minds.

 

Even though he tried to make it appear like he was studying his fingernails, Angel was busy observing the others. He didn’t feel particularly guilty over the situation. He was really only a name on the masthead of the school. These people were there on a daily basis. It was their job and responsibility to run the school. He left them in charge to train the Slayers, and to keep everyone in line. There should already have been rules in place to ensure the girls were kept in line with a strict adherence to them. Discipline was everything.

 

“I’m sorry it took so long,” Giles apologized, hurrying into the room with the tea tray unaware of the tension there. He took a seat in the matching mate of the chair that Angel sat in. “The cook had put the tea kettle in the cabinet and I couldn’t locate it right away.”

 

“Its fine, Giles,” Faith said, sitting up to pour the tea. This wasn’t her first time doing this chore, as she proceeded to fix Giles a cup without asking how he liked it, then Max’s. It was only when she was pouring a cup for Angel that she looked up. “Sugar, cream?”

 

“Neither,” Angel replied with a smile, reaching for the cup.

 

Faith next prepared a cup for Dylan heavy with sugar and cream. Angel surmised the worthless pup wasn’t enough of a man and had to drink like a child would. Dylan met his eyes for a moment. There was defiance in their depths but without his protector, Spike, there he soon broke eye contact with the unflinching vampire.

 

“I feel that we need to put some type of alarm system on the building,” Giles said, being the first to speak up. “We can no longer operate on a trust system.”

 

“Agreed,” Angel said. “There are a few people I trust outside the Wolfram & Hart organization to do the job. I’ll give their name and number to Max before I leave tonight.”

 

“Very good,” Giles said. “How do all of you feel about not letting the girls leave the premises for any reason for a period of two weekends? If they are cooped up here, they might come to appreciate their freedom a little more.”

 

“It sounds like an excellent idea,” Max said, rocking back on his feet. “However, I feel that addressing the staff on their own behavior around the girls is also a good idea.”

 

“We have our regularly scheduled meeting on Tuesday,” Giles said, sitting back in his chair. “This whole situation will be discussed in length with input on solutions from all the staff members. Of course, I will reiterate that our behavior influences them, but I have a feeling you are referring to someone in particular.”

 

“I think he’s talking about me,” Faith said, standing so she was on the same level as her accuser. “Aren’t you?”

 

The room was laden with unresolved issues between the two facing off. Pain flickered across Max’s countenance before he hid it carefully behind a mask of indifference. Faith’s emotions were easily read on her features. A mixture of defiance, hurt, confusion and guilt fought for dominance. The two would soon be losing sight of the most important issue here and turn it into a personal battle. One they couldn’t afford to indulge at the moment.

 

“Both of you sit down right now,” Angel said. He stood so Max could have his seat then turned to address Giles. “I think Max was referring to the fact that the girls learned of the clubs from Faith.”

 

“Is this true, Faith?”

 

“I don’t make it a habit to go around giving details about my personal life to the girls.”

 

“Is there a chance they might have overheard you?” Angel asked. “I believe that you wouldn’t confide in them, but there may have been discussions they eavesdropped on or perhaps a comment about what you did over the weekend that might have given them ideas.”

 

Faith sighed and turned her eyes down to stare at her hands clenched together. However the girls had found out, it wasn’t intentionally given to them by Faith. She was trying her best to fit in, to be a responsible adult, and still be a friend to her charges. It was hard enough for anyone to balance the two, much less someone like Faith who had very few role models growing up.

 

“It’s possible,” Faith admitted.

 

“You haven’t done anything wrong,” Dylan gloated, setting his cup down on the table. “Don’t let them bully you into taking blame for this.”

 

“You stay out of it,” Max warned, leaning forward. “Faith has got to see that everything she does influences those girls. Buffy is married and that is so far out of their realm of thinking that they turn to Faith to be their role model. She has to watch every move she makes around them.”

 

“You’re just jealous,” Dylan said, scooting forward on the sofa. “Faith threw you aside and is having more fun with me so you want to squash it. Kill her spirit.”

 

“Stop it,” Angel growled. “Dylan, back off, no one here is going to lay all the blame on Faith. We are all on a learning curve here. Faith included. So, we are going to have to take our lumps as they come and try to do better.”

 

The pup sat back but he continued to glare at the three men that surrounded him. Faith hadn’t said anything else so Dylan had to be feeling left out in the cold. He couldn’t bluff his way through all of them without support from someone else.

 

“Max is right,” Faith said, sighing. “I…I did tell one of the girls about my date with Dylan on Saturday. He and I went to that club last weekend.”

 

“What the hell are you doing taking her to dives like that?” Max yelled. He jumped to his feet again. “My god what kind of idiotic fool are you?”

 

“She was having fun,” Dylan spat, standing to face off with the older man. “It’s something that you wouldn’t understand how to do, old man.”

 

Angel stepped between them. “Dylan, you need to leave.”

 

“You can’t just kick me out,” Dylan postured. “I’m here on an invitation from Spike.”

 

“I really don’t care,” Giles said, standing. “Your presence is having a very negative effect and the sooner you are gone, the sooner we can all settle things in a responsible manner.”

 

“Fine, don’t want to be around a bunch of old suits anyway. You coming with me, Faith?” Dylan asked, holding his hand out.

 

Faith shook her head. Tears were running down her cheeks as she looked from one to the other. “No, my place is here, Dylan. I was wrong and I need to find a way to make amends. Call me tomorrow, okay?”

 

“Yeah, whatever,” Dylan said, before turning to walk away, slamming the door behind him.

 

“Faith,” Max said.

 

“No, don’t,” Faith said, holding her hand up. “I can’t deal with you right now. Can we continue this tomorrow?”

 

“Of course, Faith,” Giles said, placing his hand on her shoulder. “It’s late and it has been a very rough night on us all. Go get some rest and we’ll talk tomorrow.”

 

“Thank you,” she said, leaving even as she spoke. It was obvious the burden of guilt was weighing heavily on her. At least they could be relieved by her behavior that she took the burden of being a role model seriously.

 

“Max, don’t be so hard on her,” Angel said. “She’s trying.”

 

The younger man ran a hand through his hair as he heaved a sigh. “I know. I’m just frustrated with the whole situation. She has so much potential and she wants to throw it all away on having fun with a lying two bit punk like Dylan.”

 

“I think we all can agree with you there,” Giles said, with a smile. “We need to be patient with her though and try to show her the difference through our behavior. Faith doesn’t take to ultimatums or force very well.” He held his hand up. “And I do understand the urgency of this situation which has to be separate from her relationship with either you or Dylan.”

 

“I understand,” Max said, nodding. “She’s right. It’s late and I’m reacting instead of dealing so unless there’s something else I’m going to check in on Buffy and Spike then head back to my place.”

 

“Yes, yes,” Giles said, taking his glasses off and pinching his nose. “I think we’ll all be able to think better after some much needed rest.”

 

“I’ll walk with you,” Angel said.

 

After a quick goodnight to Giles, the two men headed to check in on their friends. Angel finding humor in the fact that Max and he had finally found common ground. They both hated the new man in their group with a fiery burning passion. Knowing his luck, Angel would eventually become friends with the man walking beside him. There were enough reasons for them to be, but he decided Max would have to be the one to initiate it. Angel still had to have the upper hand according to his rank and file in his traditional way of thinking.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

The waning evening sky stretched out before him in endless promises of heaven. The ground beneath his feet was the rocky sand of the desert. To his right was a small isle of greenery, thick with trees and bushes. It was no place he’d ever been before, but somehow Elijah felt comfortable here. He looked down at his hands, at the dark hair that littered the back of his fingers. He wasn’t a boy anymore but a man. This was who he would be one day. There wasn’t a mirror or even a pool of water to see what he looked like. But his body was well muscled, his hands calloused and his hair was pulled back in a ponytail. There was nothing soft about him. Not even his heart as he felt the pull of despair within him. The world had fallen from his grasp. Now it was only the barren land he stood upon.

 

“Look around you, boy,” The First declared, appearing before him. No dead shell to hide in. The beast stood proudly in his natural state. A fiery demon encased the black heart of a being who had feasted on all the sins of the world. They had fed him well when they had turned upon one another. “This is all that’s left of your world. Your people are buried under the rocks that were once their cities. No one could stand firm in the truth. They have all failed you.”

 

“No, you lie,” Elijah declared. His family wouldn’t let him down. His father had promised. “This is a trick. A mind fuck to make me believe you.”

 

Claws reached for him, blood dripping from the fingertips, but then one bony digit pointed to the small oasis. “See for yourself.”

 

Deep within a tree, a bird hopped onto the edge of a nest. Its cackle echoed around them in a last gasp of hope. Elijah shaded his eyes with his hand to see more clearly. The bird flapped its mighty wings and took off. Silhouetted against the sky, Elijah recognized it as a raven. A chill ran through him as he watched the bird fly off, away from its home, and toward the left.

 

“No one left to carry the message you bear,” The First taunted.

 

In that moment he knew they were losing.

 

The next moment he woke up still a little boy safe in his home. He searched for his sister within the fathomless world of his soul. The pain was overwhelming as he opened the barrier between them. Then it faded as the gate closed again. Raven didn’t welcome his presence. She refused to answer his pleas and he knew she was succumbing to her own fears.

 

He rolled from the bed, racing down the hallway to the guest room where Connor slept. Not bothering to knock he barreled into the room, stopping only when he reached the bedside.

 

“Connor, wake up,” Elijah called, shaking his friend’s shoulder. “Please, wake up.”

 

“What’s the matter?” Connor asked, sitting up and pushing his hair away from his face. He reached for the boy. “Are you all right?”

 

“It’s Raven,” Elijah said, grabbing the hands extended to him. “She’s in trouble.”

 

Connor didn’t waste time. He jumped from the bed and headed for the phone in one liquid movement. His fingers were dialing the phone and Elijah hoped that they weren’t too late.

 

~~~~~~~

 

Someone was crying for her. Buffy opened her eyes, assessing the situation. The sound was muffled. It was Raven who was weeping. Spike was holding her tight against him and it took her a moment to extricate herself from his grasp. He moaned when she stood.

 

“Shush, luv,” Buffy murmured, stroking his cheek until he quieted again. She sighed as she accepted that her words a few hours ago had shaken him to the core. His sleep had been erratic. He thrashed around, mumbling words that didn’t make sense to her. But she knew he dreamed of them. The ones who spoke to a part of him that she couldn’t reach. She could only hope that if he knew his choices mattered beyond their marriage, it would help him make the right ones.

 

Free from Spike, Buffy hurried into the clinic and to her daughter’s side.

 

“Raven, I’m here, baby,” Buffy said. Her fingers brushed the girl’s hair from her face. “Are you in pain, sweetie? Do you want me to call Kate?”

 

“No,” Raven said. “Don’t call anyone. I don’t want to see anyone.”

 

“Okay, whatever you want.”

 

Raven rolled over on her back. She pushed her mother’s hand away from her.

 

“I’ve decided that I’m leaving. My parent’s trust fund became available to me when I turned eighteen. I’m going to use that to go away.”

 

“Why?”

 

Raven’s announcement couldn’t have stunned her more. In only two days her daughter’s personality had completely turned around. Buffy stared at her then slowly shook her head hoping it would help. It didn’t. Her feelings of loss sifted through her memories until it found what it needed. She was a failure again. Dawn being drug out of the house by social services because she couldn’t handle the responsibility. If she was a good mother, she would know what to say to comfort Raven. Her daughter wouldn’t feel the need to run away from her.

 

“Raven, I understand,” Buffy tried again. She covered the girl’s hand with her own. “Please, talk to me. I love you so much and I want to help you get through this.”

 

“Leave,” Raven ordered. “I don’t want to talk to any of you. I’ll be gone in the morning.”

 

“I know things are confusing right now,” Buffy said. “But you don’t have to be alone.”

 

“No, for the first time things are perfectly clear,” Raven said. “I don’t belong here.”

 

A chill ran through Buffy as she stared into Raven’s usually vibrant blue eyes. They were cold as ice. It was as if the soul that fueled them was gone. There was no warmth, no link between the two women left. Raven was cut off from her as surely as if she was already gone.

 

In the corner where neither saw a figure watched, laughing in glee at his victory.

“One down and four on the way,” it said, slowly waning away into the darkness.

 Author's Note: The raven is considered to be a messenger of the gods. Its legend also says that a raven leaving its home and flying to the left are both bad omens.

Chapter 31 – Fallen Angel

 

 

 

I hold on to nothing

I am without guilt

I take all you have

I take all you’ve built

I feel the desire to fade away inside

I feel the need to runaway and hide

I need the pain to get me through the night

I need to face my fears, to turn and fight

Flesh Field

 

 

 

Max stared into his reflection as he drew the razor down his cheek. The changes brought by age appeared more prominent this morning. Or maybe he looked that way because he felt older than usual this morning. Logically, he knew that being in his thirties was still considered young. Emotionally and spiritually he was drained enough for several lifetimes. The constant battles for balance, to not only survive, but to find some measure of happiness were taking its toll on him.

 

Maybe he needed a vacation. Leave Los Angeles for a couple of weeks. Lie on a beach somewhere with an icy beer in his hand and forget about this war that never ended. It sounded like heaven, but knew he wouldn’t do it. His duty lay here fighting along side everyone else. He was a soldier, no longer a man, and he needed to remember that. No matter how much his gut hurt in protest to that fact.

 

He glanced up at the clock. There was time to dawdle. He hadn’t been able to sleep the night before. His mind kept dissecting and analyzing everything going on. There had to be a connection. Something they weren’t seeing. It was the old adage of not seeing the forest for the trees. But he couldn’t figure it out. He rinsed off his face, grabbed a towel and headed back to his bedroom.

 

His clothes were already laid out across his bed that had been made as soon as he woke. The sheets and blanket were soothed out with military precision. It was routine. His whole life was down to a schedule that left no room for weakness. It left you vulnerable. None of them needed that, but so many around him were falling into temptation. Their emotions were diverting them from the fight. Someone had to be in control. Since he only had himself to worry about, he elected himself into that role. The weight of the responsibility was almost unbearable though.

 

After dressing, Max headed to the kitchen of his small apartment to make his breakfast. His usual pot of hot coffee and a bowl of cold cereal was all he needed or took time for during the week. While the coffee brewed, he unfolded the newspaper and put it on the table then poured his cereal into a bowl that never got into the cabinet. He used it, washed it, put it into the drainer then it would be used the next morning.

 

This morning though he was restless. The routine irritated rather than soothed him. He let his mind wander for a moment. A familiar fantasy weaved its spell. Faith here beside him, teasing him about his prissy ways, and him kissing her good morning. She would be laughing, her hair still messy from bed and her pajamas hanging on her hips showing off the softness of her belly. It would never happen though. Not for him. Not for her. Daydreaming was an indulgence that only interrupted his life. It would be for the best for him to remember that.

 

Max was pouring his coffee when the doorbell rang. It was such an unaccustomed sound that it took him a moment to figure out where the shrill bell was coming from. His footsteps were cautious as he approached his entrance hall. He reached for his gun laying on the side table then told himself he was a fool and left it where it was. He did peer through the peephole before opening the door. It was Faith. She was looking around the hallway, dancing in place. He swung the door open and waited for her to speak first.

 

“Hey, Max,” Faith said, with a small wave. “I was in the neighborhood and thought I’d drop by.” She gave a small laugh and scuffed her shoe against the rug.

 

“You don’t need an excuse,” Max assured her as he stepped back to let her in. She smiled her appreciation as she walked by him. “Would you like a cup of coffee or anything?”

 

“No, I’m fine,” she replied, shaking her head. She took a seat on the edge of the couch. Her purse tucked against her as if she wanted to be ready for a hasty flight.

 

It was almost too surreal to have her at his place. The whole time they were dating she’d never visited. He watched her looking his place over. From the heavy leather couch and chairs, to the small office space in one corner and the bookcases on either side of the fireplace. It was a comfortable apartment, decorated with things he’d picked out. It was his first home since Brianna’s death. Nothing remained from those days so it had taken him awhile to fill the place up. Faith had helped a little, Buffy more, and Cordelia the most. They contributed the little touches that converted it from a bachelor pad to a home.

 

“It’s really nice, Max,” Faith said, her eyes settling on him. “I like it.”

 

“Thank you,” he replied, opting for politeness. It wasn’t like he could say what he really wanted to say to her. That he wanted her to stay. That it could be her place too. Ask her if she wanted to see the bedroom and more. He sighed. “Did you need something? I know this isn’t a social call.”

 

“I wanted to talk to you about…everything away from the Hyperion,” Faith stammered, running her hands along her jeans covered thighs. “I really didn’t mean for anything to happen to the girls. It’s tearing me up inside about what happened to Raven.” She sighed then glanced down at the floor. “I’m trying, Max, I really am. I just…”

 

“I know you are, Faith,” Max said. It surprised him that she wanted his approval. It also gave him hope. But he was afraid to latch onto it. “I didn’t mean to lay all the blame on you either. It’s just…sometimes you don’t think things through.”

 

“I know.” She stood and wandered over to the window, looking out over the busy street below. “There are things I wish I could tell you but I can’t. Make you understand…” She shrugged.

 

“Are you in love with Dylan?” Max asked, standing. “Is this what this call is about? To make sure I know my place?”

 

“No, god, no,” Faith declared, with a smile. “I’m not in love with Dylan. I’m not serious about him and I’m not sleeping with him. He’s…” she cast her eyes down, “fun. And if he’s busy with me then maybe he’s leaving Spike alone. Can you understand that?”

 

“I understand that you value having fun too much,” Max scolded. His voice was sharper than he intended. “You need to be serious especially now when things are getting so out of hand. We need you focused.”

 

“I know,” Faith said so quietly he could barely hear her. “I don’t want to screw this up. Not this time.”

 

“You won’t,” Max reassured as he pulled her into a hug. “Not if you keep trying.”

 

She sank into his arms with a soft sigh. He just didn’t understand why she couldn’t love him. Why she kept herself at arms length. He loved her just the way she was. Would accept her bad traits and all and he would prove it if she would just give him the chance.

 

“I’m so proud of you, Faith,” he whispered. “I’ve never known anyone who has changed their life as much as you have.”

 

“Thank you. It means a lot coming from you.”

 

He wasn’t sure of how long they stood there holding each other. Neither of them seemed to want to move from the comfort of each other’s arms. He captured every nuance of the moment in his heart to be able to reflect on it later because he was afraid he would never hold her again.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

The sound of arguing pulled Spike from the harshness of his dreams. It took him a second to orient himself as to where he was and why. The frightened tone of Buffy’s voice brought it all flooding back to him. Raven, the night, the rush of overwhelming emotions and Buffy’s words that only reinforced his decision to return home. If things rested on his choices then the only one that was possible was to be beside his family.

 

Spike rushed into the clinic as Raven screeched something about leaving. The two women didn’t even notice him as he hurried to their side.

 

“What’s going on?” Spike asked, turning from one to the other. He ran a hand through his sleep tousled curls trying to force his brain into alertness.

 

“Raven’s determined to leave home,” Buffy said.

 

“I don’t belong here,” Raven said. “Can’t you understand that?”

 

Both of his girls were on the edge of hysteria. It flowed between them like a rampant river that was about to burst through the weakening damn. There wasn’t time for him to hesitate. He reached over to take Buffy’s hand.

 

“Baby, go get some fresh air,” he said, tugging her up. She followed his direction. Her eyes were wild in the sleepiness of her worried face. He kissed her quickly. “Let me talk to her.”

 

He was ready to take back control as head of the family. Buffy nodded, hurrying toward the door. Things weren’t this out of sync before he left home. Their idea for him to leave hadn’t been the best thing in his mind. They were all falling apart. He was determined to see them through. Make things right again.

 

“You’re not going to talk me into staying,” Raven declared, glaring at him in determined defiance.

 

“You’re an adult,” Spike said, sitting in the chair vacated by Buffy. “I can’t force you to do anything. I think it’s the wrong decision though.”

 

“Why? Because it messes with your idea of who I’m supposed to be.”

 

“No, because you don’t run from your mistakes,” Spike said. “You need to stay here and face things.”

 

“Oh, you’re the fine one to talk. Mr. I have to sniff everyone’s butts and hey, if they don’t smell better than my wife’s I’ll go back home.”

 

Somehow he had to maintain control over his turbulent emotions. Spike threw his head back, taking a deep calming breath as he tried to wrestle away the anger brought on by her accusatory words. It was the truth though and he couldn’t argue with her there. He knew she was looking for what would hurt him the most, to try and divert the conversation away from herself. It was hard though. The man he was years ago would have accepted the bait. The man he was now was still struggling but trying was so bloody hard.

 

“I’ve made mistakes,” Spike finally stated, returning his gaze to his daughter. “I’ve paid for them. And most of all I’ve faced up to them. No matter what you think or feel I don’t want Dylan. Buffy is my wife and I love her above everyone else.”

 

“Aren’t you just Mr. Perfect?”

 

“Damn it, Raven,” Spike yelled, standing up so fast that it sent the chair flying backwards. “This is about you, not me; you’re the one who fucked up.”

 

“Yeah, almost being raped was my fault, asshole,” Raven screamed. She crawled off the bed, wrapping the sheet around her. She was crying. “Thanks a lot for the support, Daddy.”

 

“No, that wasn’t your fault,” Spike whispered. He reached for her but she backed away. “I’m sorry, so sorry about what happened. I heard you crying for me and I tried…I tried so hard to get to you before you were hurt. I’ll never forget what that bastard did and he’ll pay…”

 

“Shut up. I don’t want to hear about your fucking guilt because you failed again. You’re always messing up, Spike. This whole family is going down the drain because of you.”

 

Spike slapped her. The crack from his hand against her face bounced off the walls, echoing in his head. All he could hear was the voices of his past tearing him to pieces. His own daughter, he told himself, hates you and she has every right to. Tears blinded him as he tried to find solid ground in the tidal wave of pain she gave him. When would it end? When would his life ever matter? They stared at each other in mutual shock at where they had ended up. A gulf developing between them that Spike feared could never be breeched.

 

“It’s not his fault, Raven,” Connor’s voice interrupted them. The door shut behind him. “He’s right. You made the mistakes and you want to lay the blame on everyone else.”

 

“Get out,” Raven screeched. “I never want to see you again. Get out.”

 

“Spike, I know you have every reason to hate me, right now,” Connor said, laying a hand on the vampire’s shoulder. “But please let me talk to her.”

 

If anyone could reach her, maybe it was the man who had sent her on the downward spiral to begin with. Spike knew he couldn’t do it no matter how much he loved her. She knew every raw spot in his soul and was all too willing to scratch each one. He reached out for her but she avoided him again. It was too late for them.

 

“I love you, Raven,” Spike said, then turned and walked away.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

“I told you to get away from me,” Raven shouted, her body trembling from the force of her emotions.

 

From the first word from Elijah that she was in trouble, Connor had been in motion from the phone call to Cordelia, the trip to Los Angeles with Elijah, a hurried conversation with his father at dawn, then the ride here. His whole relationship with Raven was not what he wanted or planned. Once he would have been willing to take what he could get from her. He would have made love to her a long time ago, but he wanted more than sex. He wanted Raven to be beside him forever and if it meant waiting for her to finish growing up, he was willing to do it. She wanted everything now though.

 

“It’s too late for that,” Connor replied, sitting on one of the beds. Patience was something he did have. That and the ability to turn his emotions off when he needed to focus on something. “I told you I loved you. It hasn’t changed and I’m going to be the one to see you through this.”

 

“Go to hell.”

 

“Would it be too cliché for me to say that I’ve already been there?”

 

“Son of a bitch,” Raven swore. He watched as she picked up the phone and called Rona to bring her clothes. “Yeah, I’m getting out of here. Anywhere as long as it’s not here,” she said into the receiver. She glanced at him then took a seat on a chair, facing away from him. “I’m not going to talk to you.”

 

“You don’t need to,” Connor said. “I’ll wait ‘til you’re ready.”

 

“Ever.”

 

He shrugged. “Then we’ll do this in total silence.”

 

“Leave me alone.”

 

“No, I won’t. If you won’t go with me voluntarily then I’ll follow you. There’s no place you can go that I won’t be able to find you. You know that as well as I do.”

 

“Where do you want to take me?” Raven asked and he almost smiled. It was all he needed to know that all that anger was bravado. Inside she still needed him. This time he would be there for her. Not on her terms or his. They would find the compromise they needed.

 

“Essie’s ranch,” Connor said. He held his hand up when she opened her mouth. “Not for you to talk to her in anyway. There’s a cabin she said we can use. Just you and me. A place to unwind, and for us to talk things out. Figure out where we’re going to go from here.”

 

“You already talked to her?”

 

Connor stood. He brushed back Raven’s hair with his fingertips. “Yeah, I did. She said it was cool. You going to go?”

 

“I…I’m all fucked up,” Raven whispered.

 

“For now, not always.”

 

She nodded. “Yeah, I’ll go.” She leaned forward and he took her against him. Protecting what was his was his first priority. Raven needed the time to recuperate from her emotional wounds before she faced the others. Before she could make amends. Everything had its own timing. And this was theirs.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

Some old saying kept replaying in Spike’s mind. Something about changing the things you could and knowing what to leave alone. He needed to learn the difference because knowing the right thing to do was confusing the hell out of him. Following his instincts, he moved through the Hyperion looking for Buffy. It was only with her that he could find some peace. He sighed when he spotted her in the courtyard. Sitting on a bench, her eyes closed and her face turned to the morning sun. His angel warming herself, but as soon as he stepped outside she turned to him. He rushed to her and she hugged him close.

 

“I fucked up, Buffy,” Spike said. “I only made her angrier.”

 

“You tried,” she said, running her hands along his back. “It’s all either of us can do. She’s grown up and has moved beyond us. If anyone can reach her, it’ll be him.”

 

“I don’t think I’m ready to let go.

”Neither am I,” Buffy said, kissing his neck. “It’s hard but we have to.”

 

“Is she going to come back?”

 

“I don’t know, Spike, I just don’t know.”

 

Spike moved back so that he could look into her eyes.

 

“Can I come back home, Buffy?”

 

“Yeah, you can,” she replied, kissing him.

 

Pulling her onto his lap, he deepened the kiss. Loving her was the best thing to ever happen to him. He knew it. And he would prove it to her, if she would let him.

 

 

Chapter 32 – Hey Pretty

 

 

 

I can’t forget I’m a sole architect

I built the shadows here

I built the growl in the voice I fear

You add it up but to do better than that

You’ve got to follow me

Poe

 

 

 

Sometimes you just had to be a man. Own up to your mistakes. Fix them the best way you possibly could. Redemption was a word he knew well. His whole life was an endless litany of his father reaching for it. He wondered if anyone ever achieved it, or if it was an endless struggle for something that was unattainable. It was why he never thought about it. At least he hadn’t until his cowardice had tarnished his light in this world.

 

Connor glanced over at Raven who hadn’t said a word to him since yesterday morning in the clinic. She responded to him. Followed him. Did everything right without speaking. It tore at him to look into eyes that once were so lively but now were the dull edge of midnight. Her hair once a tumbling mass of mahogany that blanketed his every fantasy was pulled back into a tight braid. He couldn’t even see the curve of her body beneath the sweat suit she wore. The agony of her soul oozed through her very pores to float through the air around her.

 

He turned his eyes back to the dirt road he was driving on. It curved through the woods on a narrow tract that led to the small cabin where they would be staying. Essie had sent one of her men to turn the generator on and stock the refrigerator and pantry. All they had to do was show up. This would be their hideaway. The place where they would discover their future. A destiny he already knew. It was what he wanted even though he ran in fear of it. His place was beside her, to be her knight, her guard, and lover as she fulfilled her calling. Like Spike was to Buffy.

 

He would always be ‘The Destroyer’. Only now he would also accept the role of mate to Raven and fulfill it to the best of his ability. He’d been trained well by them all. Now it was time to take his place in the wheel they were all running on. Nothing would ever be the same again after this time. And it was all right.

 

The cabin came into view and he pulled the jeep to a stop beside the small porch in the front. It was a typical log structure. A chimney rose from the roof like a hand reaching through the trees that were clustered around the area. Connor climbed out, hurrying around to open the door for Raven. She stepped out, wrapping her arms around her middle as she looked around. There was curiosity on her pixie face that gave him hope of her quick recovery. After she had stepped away from the vehicle, he grabbed their bags from the back.

 

“Come on,” Connor said, holding his hand to her. She accepted. They walked up the three steps to the front door where he let go of her long enough to open it. She stepped through the threshold first, leaving him to follow. He watched as she wandered around the small space. The kitchen was to the left of the large front room with a table dividing it from the living area. There was a small hall leading to the back where a bedroom and a bathroom were. He dropped her bag on the floor next to the bed. “You can sleep here. I’ll sleep in the living room.”

 

Raven nodded.

 

“You hungry…,” no response, “tired?”

 

She nodded again.

 

“Then I’ll leave you alone,” Connor said. “I’ll be out here if you need me.”

 

He closed the door behind him, heading back to the sanctuary of the living room. He threw his bag on to the table, and then flopped on the couch. It was going to be hard seeing her through this. Everyone from Kate and Buffy to Spike had lectured him on taking care of Raven. Her fragile emotions over what had happened all the way to her eating habits had been touched on.

 

In a way it was funny because no one knew her like he did. The fear she felt with every fight, the tears she still cried over those girls buried in unmarked graves, to the way her eyes glowed when she was happy, and the regrets she already carried. They were all a part of him because he was the one who walked next to her every night, the one who laid those bodies in the graves, and the one she loved.

 

This was the beginning of a new world. A new way of life for them both. He knew something was coming. He saw it in the faces of the people around him. He dreamed it every night when his mother came to him encouraging him to stay strong. The hope Darla lost as a young girl was alive in him. To her memory, her sacrifice for him was helping to shape the man he was becoming. Only once the First came to him in her shimmering light. He had laughed in its face, walking away. Quortoth had shown him just how bad life could be. He wanted no part of that hell ever again.

 

So, here he was. Ready to help Raven through this difficult time. To see her through the coming days of shaky ground.

 

“Connor,” Raven’s voice roused him. She barely spoke above a whisper. Her eyes filled with tears as she walked toward him. “I hurt so bad.”

 

“I know,” Connor responded, holding his arms out. He took her onto his lap, holding her close. “It’s going to be all right though.”

 

“I hurt so many,” she lamented, burying her face against him. “How could I behave like that?”

 

“You’re human.”

 

“No, I’m not,” Raven said.

 

“Then how about no one is perfect,” Connor teased. “Does that one work?”

 

She laughed. It sounded strangled but it was there. A step in the right direction. “Yeah, that works.”

 

They stayed where they were for a long time. Holding each other until they found the comfortableness again. Found the rhythm between them that kept them connected. She fell asleep first. He followed a short time later. They were together again. The way it was meant to be.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

Spike pulled the comforter up to his waist, leaning back into the pile of pillows behind his head. He didn’t want to let go of the night yet. It felt too good, luxuriating in the damp warmth left from their earlier lovemaking. His eyes were heavy as he scratched his stomach and watched Buffy dressing. She was happier than he’d seen her in a long time. A smile danced on her lips, her eyes were bright, and in her wake was the sound of her humming.

 

“Come back to bed,” Spike asked.

 

“Nope,” Buffy tossed over her shoulder. She reached for a pair of jeans, pulling them on and giving him an enticing view of her ass. He lasciviously licked his lips, remembering earlier, holding it while he pounded into her. “We need to spend some time with the kids this morning before we take off.”

 

Raven and Connor had left for the cabin almost a week earlier. A week in which he returned home, played with his children, and made love to Buffy every chance he got. It was where he belonged. He knew it in every fiber of his being. And today, he was taking his wife away for the weekend. Right after he picked up his last paycheck and told Jake he wasn’t returning.

 

He glanced over at the clock. It was still early. Del was downstairs so Elijah and Joy would be fine if they woke up. With an evil grin, he rolled out of the bed, and pretended to head toward the bathroom. Buffy was still humming as she rummaged through the closet to find a shirt to wear. He waited until she stepped out of it to make his move.

 

“Gotcha,” he yelled, looping an arm around her waist and picking her up.

 

“Put me down, Spike,” Buffy yelped, struggling to free herself, but her movements made her bottom rub against his crotch. No way was he letting her go now.

 

“Nope,” Spike said, striding toward the bed. She giggled, continuing with half-hearted attempts to free herself. He tickled her along her ribcage making her screech. He laughed and dumped her on the bed. “Now, I’m going to ravage the young maiden.”

 

“You’re an idiot,” Buffy teased, flipping over and attempting to crawl away. “We don’t have time for games.”

 

Spike leapt onto the bed, pushing her face down into the comforter. “No games, just want your pussy in my face.”

 

Using her arms, she flipped them so she was facing up on top of him. He held her by the waist again with one arm, and with his free hand started to undo her jeans.

 

“No, no, no,” Buffy chanted, squirming against him. “Don’t have time for anything.”

 

“Yes, we do,” Spike said, taking down her zipper. “Just one more time, please.”

 

“Ha, the Big Bad is begging for sex,” Buffy announced in triumph. “Paws off the merchandise.” She pushed his hands away from her then wrapped them around her holding them against her. He tried to turn them but gave his own yelp of surprise when she bit down on his arm. Not hard enough to break the skin but enough for him to feel it. He pulled his arm up to inspect the damage, and she took the opportunity to hop off the bed. “Can’t catch me,” she taunted as she headed for the stairs.

 

He shook his head. She forgot her shirt. She’d be back but he followed her. Leaping over the couch when she backtracked to grab her t-shirt lying on the chair. Buffy kept a wary eye on him as they danced around the chair. Him trying to catch her and her trying to get some covering. Finding her rhythm, he moved to the left, watching from the corner of his eye as she reached for the shirt. Spike swiveled to his right, grabbing her wrist and yanked her back. They fell onto the couch, this time face to face, him on top.

 

“Got you,” Spike whispered, pinning her hands above her head. He ground his cock against the softness of her denim covered cunt. “You’re so beautiful.”

 

“You just want to get laid,” Buffy scoffed, trying to buck him off.

 

He kissed the space between her breasts, flicking the curve with his tongue. She always tasted so good. Innocent even after all these years. He sucked on his mark along the curve of her neck. Her blood was racing through her veins despite her denial of wanting him.

 

“I want you,” he vowed. “You’re my world.”

 

“Promise me,” Buffy pleaded, rubbing her chin against his cheek. “For always.”

 

It broke through his mood and he loosened his grip on her. She ran her hands along his shoulders, kissed his temple, then shoved him off. He landed on the floor as she sprung over the back of the couch. Looking up he saw an evil grin lighting up her face. She knew him too well. Could play him like an old victrola with only one record. Buffy swayed her hips with her arms outstretched. She looked so much like a little girl on a playground that he expected her to stick her tongue out at him.

 

She wasn’t though. And her next action proved it all too well. With one flick of her wrist she undid her bra. Using moves that any professional stripper would envy, she slowly pulled it off. He was transfixed by the sight of his love dancing for him. She took a step up to the platform that held their bed while undoing her jeans. Leaving them behind on the floor, Buffy climbed onto their bed, did a quick down to her knees then back up. Her hands slid down her thighs until she was shaking her breasts at him. He lunged, tackling her down to the bed.

 

“You’re a shameless tease,” Spike whispered, kissing his way up her stomach. “Doing that to your husband who only wants a proper shagging.” Her hands splayed through his hair when he lightly suckled at one nipple. He kneaded the other one. “So, good, pet, so good.”

 

“So, take me already,” Buffy whimpered, wrapping her legs around him.

 

All the playfulness was gone now. They needed each other too much after their long months apart. The only thing separating them was the thin cotton of her panties. He went to rip them but she stopped him. “No, they’re new,” she bit his ear. “Take them off real slow.”

 

Spike knelt above her. His golden goddess waiting for her faithful servant. He hooked a finger on either side, waited until she lifted her hips, then slid them down her legs. He dropped them over the side of the bed. His gaze drifted over her body, grateful that she had lost all bashfulness, even with what she considered her imperfections. He let his tongue run along the scar on her calf where she caught it while jumping over a fence. The bruises on her thighs from his hands holding her during the rough sex they’d indulged in first the night before.

 

He rained adorning kisses along the silver webbing of stretch marks from her pregnancy. It had left a soft mound of belly that no matter what she did wouldn’t firm up. He worshiped it. The extra cushion had kept their baby from harm. To him it was a miracle beyond any he’d seen in his decades of life.

 

Her breasts weren’t the same perky ones she once carried as a teenager, but they too were part of the miracle. They’d fed the child they created. It only made them more beautiful. He flicked his tongue at one budding nipple, wondering if it was time to broach the subject again.

 

“Let’s have another baby,” Buffy whispered.

 

“Do you mean it?”

 

It was terrifying that she might be joking. He wanted another chance to have a child. The children brought to them by circumstance and Journey had completely changed the man who had run from being a family man. He wanted another one. The chance this time to celebrate every day of Buffy’s pregnancy, for it to be a happy time, and a birth that wouldn’t be filled with so much anger and despair. For them to be together during those first few weeks of their baby’s life. His eyes filled with tears that she wiped away with her thumbs.

 

“Yes, I’m sure,” she promised. “I was supposed to get my next shot this month. If you want I’ll cancel the appointment.”

 

“Cancel it,” Spike said, filled with a happiness that he didn’t think he’d ever felt before. Laughing, he wrapped Buffy up next to him, and then made love to her with a reverence that left them both in tears.

 

He was home.

 

Chapter 33 – Do What You Do

 

 

Slow down, that’s right

Give it all you got

Yeah, you got the right stuff

Kick back, let go

Trust yourself to know

Yeah what you got is good enough

Martina McBride

 

 

 

The buzzer was the annoying kind. Loud, insistent, and causing a body to want to look around to see who they were disturbing by daring to even touch it. Giles refused to move though. He just hoped it was bothering the occupants of the flat enough so they would answer the door. Four days and no word from Wesley or Fred except for a message on his machine saying they were taking time off. Not only he but the slayers and the school needed them. Things were going to hell in a handbasket fast. There wasn’t time for self-pity or self-indulgence.

 

Giles pressed the button again, leaving it there so the screech of the doorbell was a neverending source of irritation. He wanted to shove his fingers in his ears like a child. The sound of someone removing the chain lock was the only thing that silenced the damn thing. He waited patiently until the door was jerked open to reveal a highly upset Fred.

 

“Go away, Giles,” the young woman said. “We need some time alone.”

 

“We need you,” Giles replied just as tersely. He stepped forward, forcing Fred to move out of his way or be barreled down. “Wesley is only giving the rumor mill fodder by his being absent. No one knows the truth, but the girls are showing quite the imagination with filling in the blanks.” He stopped in the middle of the room. “Besides demon activity is increasing. Things are getting out of control. We need to finish deciphering this prophecy and figure out how to stop whatever is coming. I need you both.”

 

“Oh, you need us, but the entire Blood family can take a vacation?” Fred bit out. “Especially the one who started everything is out there having a good old time.” At his look of surprise, she added. “Yeah, we know. Kind of hard to miss the email sent to the faculty that Faith and Max would be covering Sunnydale while they’re gone.”

 

“I highly doubt that Raven is having a good old time as you put it since she was nearly raped,” Giles said, trying to ignore Fred’s sarcasm. He knew she had been hurt as well in the whole fiasco. After all it was her boyfriend that had been flirting with a teenage Slayer. Trying to remain calm, he removed his glasses, folding them carefully then unfolding them. “I understand your points, Winifred, I really do. But if we don’t get some much needed help then there may not be anything left to argue about.”

 

“Giles, what is happening?” Wesley questioned as he stepped out of the bedroom.

 

Giles quickly hid his surprise at his colleague’s appearance. Wesley looked worse than he’d ever seen him before. There was at least a few days growth of beard covering his pale countenance. He appeared thinner. It could have been the fact that he was dressed in wrinkled jeans and a shirt that hung lifeless around the younger man’s form. Wesley was going through his own form of self-imposed hell after the incident with Raven.

 

Angel had explained to Giles about an encounter several years before with an evil being that left Wesley’s inner demons in control, including his attack on Fred that had nearly broken the young Watcher.

 

“A surge of demon activity,” Giles replied. “Not only around the hellmouths but here in the city as well. It appears as if they are testing us, insidously trying to find our strengths and weakness. Staking claim to a future we know nothing about. The girls are severely overwhelmed with combatting them. We are sending our senior girls out to other locations, but quite frankly, they aren’t prepared. We don’t have Watchers to send with them. They are used to being supported by each other, working in a group, and a few…I’m scared for them. We need to finish translating the prophecy and stop this before its too late.”

 

“Are you sure I’m wanted at the school?” Wesley asked, sitting on the edge of his couch. His hands dangled between his knees. His head hung in a defeated manner. He was the picture of a man beaten down by his own weaknesses. Someone who knew only too well the depth of his own evil and not sure how to fight it.

 

Giles sat across from him. “Yes, you are wanted at the school. Actually you are needed. Wesley, I can’t tell you that you haven’t made mistakes because you have. You handled the whole incident with Raven the wrong way. But we don’t have the luxury of time for scolding.”

 

Wesley looked up at him and nodded slowly. “Give me a few hours and I’ll be there.”

 

“You’re kidding right?” Fred burst out. “You’re just going to go back after what happened? They just get to skip away free and clear.”

 

“I’m afraid in the end they will pay the highest price,” Wesley said, with a wan smile. He shook his head. “They usually do. My concern lies with our other Slayers, and with this world that we keep saving. It’s what I was trained to do and I will do it.”

 

“Very good,” Giles approved. His voice held pride at Wesley’s decision. It was their Watcher’s oath to protect their girls, to make the hard decisions, and to protect the world no matter what the personal cost. In these times they needed to remember that. “I will see you in my office at 1 PM then?”

 

It was settled. One more thing Giles could cross off his list. Next, he needed to see about making a plea to Travers to help with the girls they were sending out into the world. He blamed himself. They were all hopelessly unprepared for indivdual battle. Their time of triumph had made them all weak. Now the innocent would pay the price.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

The door to his office opened then closed softly behind whoever had entered. Angel raised his head to see Gunn standing just inside the door. In his hand was a piece of paper. His friend looked nervous as he stepped closer to Angel’s desk.

 

“Sit, Gunn,” Angel said, straightening the contracts he was reading over then slipped them into a folder. The young man remained standing with his hands now behind his back and the paper gone from view. “So, what’s going on?” Angel asked, standing also. He turned to the small credenza to pour himself a cup of coffee. The power play demanded he stand but not show the weakness of standing. Coffee was only an excuse and after one sip was placed on his desk.

 

“It’s regarding the Silver Cross nightclub,” Gunn explained. “The one that Raven was in last weekend.”

 

“What about it?” Angel asked, bristling. “I ordered the place closed down.”

 

“The owner is one of our clients.”

 

“And Raven is my family,” Angel retorted, letting his irritation at having his orders disobeyed show. “Shut it down now.”

 

“We do lucrative business with the owner,” Gunn said. “We keep him operational, we get a cut of his profits and all the…entertainment we need for our other clients.”

 

It was only from centuries of practice at disguising his feelings that enabled Angel to hide his revulsion at his colleague’s words. He forced his face to remain impassive even as thoughts of what Raven’s fate could have been if they hadn’t found her in time. Probably hundreds of innocent girls had found their downfall in that club.

 

“Raven is my family,” Angel repeated. “She is under my protection. Take care of it.”

 

Dismissing Gunn, Angel reached for a file on his desk. The other man didn’t leave though. The air was bristling with tension between them. Angel wanted to keep his promise to Spike to avenge the attack on his daughter, but if the opportunity to further his quest into the Black Thorn presented itself, then he would have to opt for the greater good. Bringing down the inner circle of Wolfram & Hart would have greater impact then taking down a mere gnat on a wall.

 

“Did you need something else?” Angel asked, without looking at Gunn.

 

“I thought you didn’t care about anything or anyone after Cordelia.”

 

“She’s still alive,” Angel said, facing his friend. “And as long as she is, I will continue to do what makes her happy. Protecting our own falls under that heading.”

 

Gunn nodded. “What about that power you crave? What if you could have it now? The ability to control your own destiny and have all you desire just by asking for it.”

 

“Like you?” Angel asked quietly. “I’ve noticed the expenditures that far exceed even your generous salary here.”

 

“Better than me,” Gunn promised. “More than you could ever hope for.” He held out the piece of paper holding the Silver Cross’s fate on it. “Prove where your loyalties lie.”

 

“Better to reign in hell than serve in heaven**,” Angel said, reaching for the paper. He prayed that Spike would understand as he ripped the orders into little pieces. It was done.

 

“I’ll let you know when and where,” Gunn said, with a smile. He turned to leave, but hesitated at the door. “I’m sure you’re eager to go ahead with this, so I’ll see how soon it can be arranged.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

There weren’t any overt stares in his direction as he made his way through the lobby. He could sense the glances, the whispers, and the sudden busyness as he walked by. It made him uncomfortable. He kept his eyes to the floor, taking rapid strides back to the administrative offices. With a backward glance to see who was watching, and hating himself for the furtive movement, Wesley slipped into Giles’ office.

 

“Ah, you’ve arrived,” the older Watcher greeted him, barely looking up from the books he was studying. “Did Winifred return to work?”

 

“Yes,” Wesley said, hesitating just inside the doorway. “I dropped her off at Wolfram & Hart before coming here.”

 

“Did she come to understand your reason to return?”

 

Wesley laughed. Fred had been anything but understanding. She was making demands he didn’t know if he could follow through on. Especially the one asking him to give up his Watcher duties and to devote all his time to the law firm. But he didn’t want to reveal such private problems to Giles however, so he lied.

 

“We worked things out,” Wesley said.

 

“Good,” Giles said with a nod. He waved to the table beside his desk. “There’s a fresh pot of tea if you would like some.”

 

“Thank you,” Wesley responded, only glancing at the teapot before approaching the desk. “I’m fine right now. Have you made any progress?”

 

“A few more words,” Giles said, pulling his glasses off. He dropped them on the table as he rubbed his forehead. “It doesn’t make sense. There seems to be several elements involved that somehow connect together like a jigsaw puzzle.”

 

“Everything affects everything else,” Wesley said, taking a seat across the desk. He reached over to take the pad of notes that Giles had made. “Winged creatures born of hope? A new form of demons?”

 

“I don’t know…I just don’t know,” Giles said, leaning back in his chair. “We know that it involves Spike, but what does he have to do with winged creatures? It’s not like vampires can turn into bats like the legend says. Besides he is only half-vampire now.”

 

“We’re not quite sure what Spike is,” Wesley said, running his finger over the phrases they were trying to piece together. “It’s like with…Raven; no one has really tested their abilities.” He looked up as a thought crossed his mind. “There is someone in this whole picture that we’ve overlooked.”

 

“Who?”

 

“Journey,” Wesley said. “The First made itself known not long after her birth. And remember Dagon was certain that she would usher in a new era of evil.”

 

“Dagon was also certain that Journey would be a male,” Giles countered. “But it does bear more consideration with the timing. She is someone else that we have no clue what her exact abilities are.”

 

“Why have we not pushed Buffy and Spike to allow these studies?” Wesley asked. “I understand them not wanting the Council to have dominion over their children, but that also leaves us blind as to what we might be dealing with. Either Raven or Journey could be the key to this whole thing.”

 

“Like Dawn was once upon a time?” Giles asked quietly. “Events have seemed to be following a predestined path since Raven and Elijah came into the picture. And we seem to have been blindly following it.” He sighed then leaned forward on the desk again. “I guess its back to the grindstone.”

 

“Giles, why don’t we demand answers?” Wesley said. “This whole thing is a farce. No one is willing to push those that have some of the answers. We aren’t testing the abilities of the people around us. Why not? It’s ridiculous. People are probably going to die, but we aren’t allowed to know why.”

 

Wesley stood to pace around the small office. His anger over what happened with Raven was only compounding the frustration he was feeling. People were depending on Giles and him to solve the mystery of what was going to happen, but yet they were stymied at every turn. By some of the very people they were trying to protect. It didn’t make sense. Shouldn’t everyone be giving one hundred percent to the effort?

 

“I don’t know, Wesley,” Giles said. “It doesn’t make sense. Buffy’s silence on the whole thing worries me…especially after what happened during her pregnancy. Yet Spike does trust her. All I can do is plod on here and hope that we find something to tie it all together.”

 

“And if we don’t find the answers in time?”

 

“Then I assume we’ve run out of luck,” Giles said. “And we’ve lost the war.”

 

It was what Wesley was afraid of; the world would be destroyed because of secrecy and egos. He shook his head as he remembered what happened with Connor. Should he take a risk again and do things on his own? Or should he try to trust those that didn’t seem to deserve it? It was a hard question. With a heavy sigh, he sat before Giles and reached for one of the books.

 

For now he could only do what he was best at. Research, advice and hope to hell it was enough. He shook his head as he copied the phrases they had already deciphered:

 

Three hearts forged into one soul

Two winged creatures born of hope

Thrice tempted, one convicted holds closed the gate by faith

One fallen and all is lost

Chapter 34 – Love is a Battlefield

 

 

 

We are young

Heartache to heartache we stand

No promises, No demands

Love is a battlefield

We are strong, no one can tell us we’re wrong

Searchin’ our hearts for so long

Both of us knowing

Love is a battlefield

You’re beggin’ me to go, you’re makin’ me stay

Why do you hurt me so bad?

It would help me to know

Do I stand in your way or am I the best thing you’ve had

Believe me, believe me, I can’t tell you why

But I’m trapped by your love and I’m chained to your side

Pat Benatar

 

 

 

Raven stood at the edge of the clearing, staring into the denseness of the woods that surrounded their cabin. Where she was standing was safety, another step or two and she would be in territory she wasn’t comfortable with. Once in another life, when she was still a child, back home in Lankasha she would run wild through the mountainous terrain of the forests that surrounded their village. There was no fear then. She knew what was in those woods, the evil fairy people outcast from their home, the good fairies that preferred the isolation, and the animals that were their friends or at least with which there was a truce.

 

Now she was an adult. Soft from years of living in the comfort of the modern world where magic was something to be hidden, where no one knew of her ancestry or of her status as a Slayer. Shame wound through her. She hated straddling the line. She hated who she had become. She missed the wild child she once was when everything was on display whether it was her emotions, her family’s magic, or her heart. This world she lived in now was one of games. Nothing was simple and she longed for the days where there wasn’t so much confusion. Or maybe she simply wanted to walk away from the burdens of being different.

 

Her father had.

 

Spike had chosen to give up his immortality and the exclusiveness of being one of the only two souled vampires alive. Now he was a hybrid. Belonging to neither world and seemingly hating both. If anyone was the object of misery it was William the Bloody, aka William T. Blood, the family man whose demon still longed to be on the killing fields, stifled by the role he had chosen out of love.

 

Raven didn’t want to be like that. She wanted either one world or the other. One world she could be all that she was, Lankasha, filled with centuries of magic, and a Slayer, a being created to vanquish the evil of the world, or she could be an ordinary eighteen year old girl living for the moment. If she chose the latter life than she would have to leave this world behind, too. Go where no one knew who she was and start over as whoever she wanted to be.

 

“Rave? You okay?” Connor called from the porch. “Dinner is ready.”

 

When she didn’t reply, she heard his footsteps behind her, coming closer, stifling her with his protectiveness and the love she once craved beyond reason. Tears started to flow down her cheeks as she looked into the darkness of the woods before her. And in that darkness, she saw the reflection of the blackness that was slowly eating away at her soul.

 

She turned back to the man who was her life, “I’m sorry, Connor. I’m sorry for everything. I love you.”

 

“I know you are,” Connor said, pulling her into his arms. “It’s going to be okay.”

 

“Is it? I’m afraid,” she swept her hand in the direction of the woods. “If you were blindfolded, tied up and dumped out there somewhere, you’d survive, you’d find your way out. Me, I’d curl up and whimper.”

 

“No, you wouldn’t,” Connor reassured her. He kissed the corner of her mouth, then her cheek before burying his face in her neck. “You’re a lot tougher than you give yourself credit for.”

 

“Only because of you,” Raven whispered, clinging to him. “I’m lost without you. Please, if this isn’t forever for you then leave now. Don’t break my heart again.”

 

“I won’t,” Connor promised, his hands roaming her back. “I’m here for always. For better or worse, I’m going to be beside you.”

 

Raven pulled back, needing to see it in his eyes. She relaxed when all she saw was love and determination in their depths. “Teach me, Destroyer; teach me how to survive whatever comes. I want to truly be able to stand beside you and not hold you back.”

 

At first there was hesitation in his eyes, but then he nodded. “Yes, I’ll teach you. Tomorrow morning we’ll start.”

 

“Don’t take it easy on me,” Raven demanded. She looked around them. “We don’t know what’s coming and I want to be able to not only survive but to be the warrior I need to be.”

 

Connor laughed and kissed the tip of her nose. “I promise. Okay? Can we eat now? The chili is perfection at the moment.”

 

She smiled up at him, giving him her heart again. She traced the planes of his face, letting her fingertips follow the curve of his lips. “Can it wait a little while? There’s something else I want you to teach me first.”

 

“Rave…,” Connor whispered. “I…I…are you sure?”

 

“Yes, make me yours,” Raven said. “I don’t want to be a child anymore. I want to be your woman until death does us part.”

 

They had both chosen words from traditional marriage vows during the course of their conversation. It was time. They could either cross the threshold together or separate for good. If she was truly who he wanted then he should finally claim her.

 

Connor looked to the sky for a moment before cupping her face in his hands and looking into her eyes. “Yes, Raven Blood, I will take you as my own, in the ways of your people, of my people and the future we will create together.”

 

“Yes,” Raven vowed. “Our future.”

 

Connor laughed, sweeping her up into his arms and striding toward the cabin. She clung to him, having no doubts about what they were about to do. She knew that he no longer had any doubts either. They were one, and they would create a life together with their own rules and their own ways.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

The Hyperion was quiet for a change. It was early evening and most of the Slayers were at dinner or up in their rooms. Fred breathed a sigh of relief as she made her way across the lobby. She didn’t really want to see any of those young women now. Not when she was still filled with self-doubts about what happened with Wesley. She knew he loved her, just as she loved him. But not for the first time she wondered if she could hold onto him. There had been no promises of forever, no popping of the big question, and they still had separate apartments. There was a lot of room left for wondering if he wanted forever.

 

“We shouldn’t have any problems finishing the prophecy in the next few days,” Wesley’s voice floated out into the hallway. He sighed. “Then we should hopefully get this ‘battle’ or whatever it is over with.”

 

“Don’t rush it,” Giles said. “We don’t want to make any mistakes.”

 

“Hi, you two,” Fred said in greeting as she stepped into the office. She raised the bag that was in her hand. “I brought over some food from the Thai restaurant. Hope you haven’t eaten.”

 

“No, we haven’t,” Wesley responded, standing. His face lit up when he looked at her which relieved a lot of her worries. The tender kiss on her cheek held promises of later. “Thank you. You are going to join us, aren’t you? Maybe even give us some of that brain of yours to help us out.”

 

“If you don’t mind,” Fred said, shyly as she looked over at Giles. She was still embarrassed by her fishwife routine earlier with the older Watcher.

 

“Of course not, Fred,” Giles said. “Please take a seat. Any help is appreciated, but I’m afraid I’m going upstairs to see my family for a little while.”

 

“Oh, sure, of course,” Fred rambled, letting Wesley take the bag from her. “Giles, I really do want to apologize for earlier. I was just all upset about…what happened, and I don’t think I was thinking too straight.”

 

Giles smiled at her, and then squeezed her shoulder. “It’s all right, Winifred. I understand. Things have been a little tense around here and everyone is entitled to their moments where they let loose.”

 

“Thank you,” Fred replied, with a smile. She didn’t want any more conflicts than she had to have. Filled with relief she gave Giles a spontaneous hug which he gratefully gave back to her.

 

“I’ll see you two in a little while,” Giles said, as he left the couple alone.

 

“Thank you, Fred,” Wesley said, pulling her attention back to him. He slipped his arms around her waist. “For bringing me dinner, for defending me, for always being there.”

 

“I love you, Wesley,” Fred murmured. She couldn’t look in his eyes. She couldn’t see the truth. That maybe he didn’t love her back.

 

“Fred, look at me,” Wesley said. “I love you. Once this prophecy business is taken care of how about you and I going away ourselves. Maybe go down to Mexico or fly over to Europe.” He hesitated for only a second. “We can plan our future.”

 

She couldn’t look away anymore. It was there in his eyes. The love she wanted from him. It had always been there.

 

“Yes, Wes, we need to,” Fred said. “No more putting it off.”

 

“No, ma’am,” Wesley teased her with a solemn nod of his head.

 

For now it was all right. She wrapped her arms around him, holding him close, needing the hug to chase away the rest of her fears. Some where in the moment of tenderness, she found the strength she needed to trust him again. Love was too hard in the life they led, and she wasn’t going to lose him. Not while her heart still beat faster when she saw him. Not while his eyes still lit up at seeing her. Not while they were still alive.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~


It was the morning that would start a new phase of his life. Nothing could take him higher than the way he was feeling at the moment. Buffy was behind him on the motorcycle as he wound through the streets of LA. He could feel her heartbeat, the touch of her hands as they held onto his hips and her humming some song that probably only made sense to her.

 

It was okay.

 

Everything was okay.

 

He’d fallen in love with his lady all over again when she said she wanted his baby. This time they were together on the decision and he swore if he had to hide Buffy away somewhere during her pregnancy he would. Nothing was going to become between them again. And today they were going away, just the two of them. No clue yet as to where they were going. They would let the bike take them where it wanted. It didn’t matter as long as they were alone.

 

One small item of business to take care of and they were on their way. Spike pulled the bike into the parking lot of Matrix, stopping by the door. Buffy hopped off before he did, smiling at him as he undid the strap of her helmet. His fingers caressed the softness of her neck, enjoying the lust that sprang up in her eyes. He leaned down to kiss her which wasn’t easy with the helmets on, but they managed.

 

“I want you soon,” Buffy whispered. “Get this over with fast or I may have you take me on your desk.”

 

“That would give the guys some entertainment,” Spike teased, as they took the helmets off and headed to the door. “And I don’t want anyone else gazing at your hot, little body.”

 

“Possessive much?” Buffy quipped, sashaying in front of him into the office. She reached for his hand, waiting for him to lead her into the back where they could hear the guys talking about some demons. The guys were all there with serious expressions on their faces, sending warning signals screaming through his brain. Something was wrong. He glanced at their faces as they looked from him then to Buffy. She stepped closer to him, unsure of these men she’d never met, except for Dylan, sitting cross-legged on a desk in the back of the office. Their eyes met for a moment and Spike could read the jealousy in the younger man’s eyes. It made him squeeze Buffy’s hand a little harder.

 

“Hey, everyone,” Spike said, breaking the uncomfortable silence.

 

“Good you’re here,” Jake said. “Buffy dropping you off?”

 

“No,” Spike said, shaking his head at his boss. He hated to do this but his marriage and family was his number one priority. “I need to talk to you.”

 

“Shit, you ain’t quitting on us, are you?” Bob asked, crossing his arms as he looked Buffy over. “I mean I understand but…”

 

“I’ll handle this,” Jake said, with a sigh. “Look, Spike, I knew this was a temporary gig with you, but there has been a surge of demon activity in the last few days. We’re spread pretty thin. I need you.”

 

Buffy stiffened beside him. He wasn’t going to disappoint her. Not this time, he stepped back and put his arm around her shoulder, pulling her against him. He hoped his message was clear to everyone.

 

“Look, I’m sorry, but I’ve got plans with my wife,” Spike started.

 

“She’s a Slayer,” Dylan said, speaking up for the first time. He hopped off the desk and swaggered over to them. His disdainful glance at Buffy showed exactly what he thought of her. “Why doesn’t she come along and show us what she’s made of.”

 

This was going to be trouble. Spike just knew it would be. He’d hoped that Dylan would have taken the hint a long time ago, but it didn’t appear he was going to get that lucky. Ted laughed in the background while the other two men stared uncomfortably at the trio. It seemed even his boss was wondering how this showdown was going to go.

 

Buffy seemed to melt into Spike’s side, surprising him with her actions. Her fingers slipped between the buttons of his shirt, so she could caress the bare flesh of his stomach. Her legs separated letting his leg slip in between them while her head rested against his shoulder.

 

“I’d love to come along,” Buffy practically purred. “But I didn’t exactly pack for demon hunting.” She giggled low in her throat. “I’m afraid that I’d look a little silly fighting a demon in my negligee and stilettos. Don’t you think so, stud muffin?” She let her hand slip out of his shirt to trace a path up to his chest. She glanced up at him, flipping her hair before looking back at his now angry partner. “We’ve barely stopped making love for the last week.” She fanned herself. “My, oh, my have you ever been fucked by a vampire?” She flipped her hand. “I guess you wouldn’t have, would you? Poor darling. It’s a wonder I can walk at all.”

 

No one had said a word during Buffy’s performance least of all the very stunned Spike. Dylan was checkmated by his wife. Spike couldn’t deny his ego was stroked by their little fight, but he absolutely adored the fact that Buffy had won. He smiled down at her, then leaned down to kiss her, letting his tongue caress the warmth of her mouth before looking back up.

 

Jake cleared his throat breaking the moment. Spike glanced around at his comrades. He figured Buffy had won the hearts of Ted and Bob with the look of adoration they were giving her. It was Dylan that he was worried about. His partner was trying hard to hide the fury that was raging through him. He’d have to talk to him later and let him know the score.

 

“Spike, I understand what you were planning,” Jake said, bringing everyone’s attention back to him. “But we’ve got some demons that are terrorizing some ranches up in the mountains. We don’t have any idea what they are or where they came from. They’re not indigenous to that region that much we do know and we can use all the help we can get.”

 

“You’re not taking Dylan’s idea seriously, are you?” Spike scoffed. But he could tell Jake was serious. He wanted them to give up their time alone and go to some mountains to fight demons instead. He shook his head. “Look, it’s like Buffy said, we didn’t exactly pack for mountain fighting.”

 

“There’s a sporting goods store down the street,” Ted offered. “We could probably get everything she needs there. Personally, I’d like to see a Slayer in action.”

 

“Okay,” Buffy said, stepping away from Spike. She looked over at him. “I hate to say it, but it is our mission to fight evil. I can’t go off and enjoy myself knowing your friends are in unknown terrain fighting demons they don’t understand.”

 

The challenge had been accepted again. Spike smiled. It was the second time in one day that Buffy had floored him. Yep, his life was going good. “Give us the run down,” Spike said, sitting on his desk. He patted the space next to him for his wife. “Then we go shopping.”

 

 

Chapter 35 – Who Wouldn’t Wanna Be Me

 

 

 

‘Cause I’m ridin’ with my baby

And it’s a brand new day

We’re on the wheels of an angel

Flyin’ away

 

And the sun is shinin’

This road keeps windin’

Through the prettiest country

 

And I got the one I love beside me

My troubles behind me

I’m alive and I’m free

Who wouldn’t wanna be me?

Keith Urban

 

 

Max glanced over at Faith, who was fidgeting again, seemingly unable to get comfortable in the passenger seat of his new phantom gray Toyota Camry. But he didn’t need to ask to know it had nothing to do with the comfort of his car. She didn’t want to be doing this with him. It was too intimate of a situation for them to be in and she was afraid that he would get ideas again. He sighed, reaching over to turn the music down.

 

“I know you don’t want to do this,” Max said, clearing his throat. He kept his eyes on the road. There was no way he wanted to see the guilt and relief that would be so easy to read on her face. “I only agreed because Buffy and Spike specifically asked us to watch over Sunnydale while they were gone.”

 

“And their house and kids,” Faith scoffed. “I figured out the plan already. You and me, the cute kids and the house. Give us a chance to see what it might be like…if…”

 

“I know,” Max said. “You don’t have to finish it. Don’t worry; I won’t try to make you see the light. I know that you and your little buddy have it all wrapped up in the fun department.”

 

“Don’t Max,” Faith warned. “You’re going to push it too far one of these days.”

 

He shrugged. “Sorry, Faith.”

 

“It’s okay,” she said, turning to him with a smile which he returned.

 

Friends. They were friends and some how he needed to wrap his mind around that concept. So, how would friends act? If it was Buffy beside him they’d be chatting about everything from her shoes to the kids to Spike. They’d found that comfortable middle ground, so he should be able to do the same with Faith. Except his crush on Buffy had never progressed to the point where his heart had taken a severe beating.

 

“So, how did Dylan handle your taking off with me?” Max said, curiosity prompting the question. He winced after he said it though. It wasn’t exactly idle conversation.

 

“If I said he was pissed off and jealous would it make you feel better?”

 

“No,” Max replied, after a moment of thinking it over. “I wouldn’t want you to have to deal with that.”

 

“Are you ever like…I don’t know…just a guy?” Faith asked, turning in her seat to look at him. “You’re always so…prissy.”

 

“I am not prissy.”

 

“Yes, you are,” Faith insisted with a giggle. “You have this fuddy-duddy routine, your clothes match all the time, and you’re just too nice.”

 

“A few minutes ago you said I was too pushy.”

 

“Then you immediately apologized.”

 

“My mother taught me to be a gentleman,” Max retorted. And his training and lifestyle had taught him to be very precise and careful. It was something that would always be with him. It could cost him not only his life but the life of someone else if he let go even for a moment.

 

Faith laughed before reaching over to turn the radio back up. She patted him on the leg lightly then her hand retreated to her own thigh. Her grin was infectious and he found himself laughing, too. One thing about being around this woman was that he never knew what to expect from one moment to the next.

 

“So,” Max said a moment later. He got her patented ‘here we go again’ looks when he turned the radio down. “Seriously…do I really come off as that…prissy?” He hated the word. He just couldn’t think of another one at the moment. “You’re a woman so what do I need to do to get women to notice me?”

 

“You thinking about asking someone out?” Faith asked.

 

He shrugged because he hadn’t really thought about actively searching for anyone. Life had been lonely. His close friends were all paired off. Maybe it was time he did start looking. He wanted Faith but she kept turning him down. It seemed to be a good time to try to get over her. To look for someone else that would be a better match for him.

 

“Why not?” Max said. “You’re the one who keeps saying I spend too much time alone and am turning into a grouchy old man.”

 

“So, I do,” Faith said. Suddenly she leaned over and kissed his cheek. “Don’t change a thing, Maxim, you’re perfect the way you are. Any woman would be lucky to have you.”

 

She returned to staring out the window leaving him flummoxed by her words. He could hear the pain in their inflection and in her eyes that were blinking back tears. He couldn’t say anything in answer. Anything that would come out of his mouth would make it worse. Instead he retreated, pulling out every piece of detail he’d memorized since Faith had first returned. Somewhere there had to be a clue as to why she continually rejected him when she gave off so many signals that were the opposite of her words. He wouldn’t rest until he knew the answer.

 

~~~~~~~~~

 

The sporting goods store was actually a few miles away from Matrix. Everyone had loaded their gear into the van that Jake would drive. The others climbed onto their bikes before heading over as a group. Ted had organized them once they got there. He sent Buffy and Spike to the dressing rooms, and then sent the guys to the different departments to get what she would need. He said it would save time this way. They wanted to get to their destination well before dark.

 

“Spike?” Buffy called. Her voice muted by the door between them. “Are you there?”

 

“Where else would I be, pet?” He smiled because he could just imagine her rolling her eyes at him. “You ready to try clothes on.”

 

“Yeah, you alone?”

 

“At the moment,” Spike answered.

 

The door to the dressing room opened a crack so that Buffy could peek out. Once she was satisfied she stepped back so that he could see her. She was wearing only panties and bra. He licked his lips as he gazed at her. They weren’t just the usual everyday comfort underwear she usually wore. These were the ones for him, and well for her. The red ruffle hipster panties were so cute on her that he was tempted to join her in the dressing room. While he debated, Buffy turned just a slight bit so that her bottom was jutted toward him.

 

“Do you see something you like?” She asked while trailing her finger slowly along her hip.

 

“Buffy, you’re going to get us both in trouble,” he warned, glancing out to see if the guys were coming yet. They weren’t. He looked back to see her bending over.

 

“Oh, I think you’re the one who got us into trouble,” Buffy pouted, straightening up then turning to sit on the small bench. She allowed her legs to fall open, so that he could see exactly what she was offering. “All those wonderful toys are just going to…oh, my god, Spike,” she stood up with panic in her eyes. “Bob, he took my duffle bag. You don’t think he went through it, do you?” Her hand covered her face as all thoughts of teasing him vanished.

 

They had decided to leave Buffy’s original bag at the office since she wouldn’t need her frillier things for the job. She’d taken a few things out to put in Spike’s bag then after zipping it up, Spike had handed it off to Bob to lock up in the weapon’s room.

 

“What are you worried about? Even if he did, I’m sure he’s seen women’s clothing before,” Spike laughed, and shook his head.

 

“You don’t understand,” Buffy hissed. “Not only is Mr. Buzzy the seventh in there, but so are all the…well, the…other stuff is in there. It’s not something I want him to see.”

 

Spike couldn’t help but to break out in laughter. “I’m sure he didn’t go snooping.”

 

“Ooh, you want him to know, don’t you? You’re such a pig.”

 

“Hey, I’m not the one who made the big speech about fucking a vampire,” Spike was still laughing.

 

“Yeah, well you enjoyed that,” Buffy replied in a huff. She sat on the bench again, crossing her arms and legs in a way that told exactly the way she felt. “Stroked your ego, didn’t it?”

 

“Bloody hell, Luv, don’t want to get into a tussle about this,” Spike said, leaning on the door jamb. “I’d much rather have spent the weekend alone with you and your little bag of goodies.” He rubbed his chest to let her know that he meant what he said. What he got was a sandal aimed at his head. He ducked, letting it hit the wall on the other side of the hallway. “Now, calm down, pet.”

 

“Did you go and piss her off again?” Bob asked, heading into the dressing area with some jeans over his arms. He smiled when Spike closed the door so he wouldn’t see Buffy. “Man, you gotta learn how to treat a lady.”

 

“Thank you, Bob,” Buffy called out making Spike roll his eyes. “He needs to learn to appreciate me more.”

 

“Look, this store doesn’t sell any jeans so I had to go next door,” Bob explained, handing over a few pairs. “Try them on and the ones you don’t like I’ll take back,” he called through the door. “And Miss Buffy, don’t let this jackass of a husband of yours give you any shit.”

 

“I won’t,” Buffy called back. She giggled. “If he does I’ll just kick his ass.”

 

“Thanks mate,” Spike said, ignoring her with a shrug. It was just playing after all. He waited until his co-worker had disappeared into the store again to hand Buffy the jeans. “They don’t look like the fancy stuff you wear,” he remarked as she looked them over.

”They’ll do fine,” Buffy said, sliding a pair over her hips. “Just as long as they fit.”

 

She started moving around, squatting and bending over while staring in the mirror the whole time.

 

“Like the show, pet,” Spike said, watching her.

 

“I have to see if they’re comfortable or not,” Buffy said. She pulled that pair off then hurriedly tried the others on. “Nothing like good old Levis for getting the job done. Yep, they’ll do for this weekend.”

 

“I’m bringing shirts down,” Ted called, with his hand over his eyes. “A couple of sweatshirts, t-shirts and some thermal undershirts. It’s cold up there.”

 

“Thanks,” Spike replied, taking them from him, and then helping him turn around without Ted having to move his hand. Once he had bounced himself down the hallway, Spike knocked on the door.

 

Buffy reached out and took those. She shook them out, looked them over then slid a sweatshirt on. “They’ll work. Now for socks and shoes.”

 

“Dylan’s got that duty,” Ted called back. “I’ll go see what’s keeping him.”

 

“I’m here, I’m here,” Dylan said, pushing past the other men. He handed over a pair of hiking boots to Spike along with a package of heavy socks. “Don’t need to worry. I got the best brand they carry.” He added as Spike looked them over. “Don’t need a man down in the field. Oops, sorry, woman.” He shrugged. “Besides I had to impress.” He waved a piece of paper. “Got the salesman’s number.”

 

“Whore,” Buffy muttered under her breath. It took everything Spike had to pretend he didn’t hear it. He knew Dylan would never call the guy. It was just an attempt to show Spike that he didn’t care about the show Buffy had made earlir. Dylan did though and he wished Buffy wouldn’t be so heartless. Spike waited until Dylan headed back toward the other guys before opening the door. He slid into the room with his wife.

 

“You should be nicer, pet,” Spike said, dropping the shoes on the floor. He slipped his arms around her waist and kissed the tip of her nose. “He’s just a mixed up kid.”

 

“A mixed up kid who wants you,” Buffy said, her hands splayed across his chest. “I just don’t trust the guy.”

 

“It’s me you don’t trust,” Spike said. “Is it?” He hugged her tight. Not even caring that she didn’t say anything to refute his statement. He’d earned her distrust. Soon it would be over with though. Once he was home with her and Dylan was just part of the past it wouldn’t matter anymore.

 

“I love you, Spike,” Buffy whispered, rising on her tiptoes to wrap her arms around his neck. “I do trust you.” She took his chin in her hand to make him look at her when he wouldn’t meet her eyes. “I do, okay? You haven’t given me a reason to doubt you in a very long time.”

 

He wanted to believe her. He decided that everything was going too good between them to doubt her words. So, he kissed her until she was smiling again. “Come on, we need to get going.”

 

They sorted through the clothes, taking the ones she wanted and headed out. It didn’t take long for them to pay for things, pack them in a new duffel bag, and leave. Everyone loaded up again, Buffy climbing onto the back of the motorcycle behind him.

 

“Remember,” She whispered, before he started the engine. Her hands slid along his hips, down his thighs and back again.

 

Yeah, he remembered. How could he ever forget? The days when it all started between them. Suddenly he let everything go but the feel of the bike beneath him and his girl wrapped behind him. They were together. The way he always wanted them to be. He was the happiest man on earth.

 

~~~~~~~~~

 

No matter how much he cared about the rest of the family, Angel was grateful that the house was quiet except for Cordy and himself. He’d given her nurse the night off so they could have some time alone. Unlike most couples there wasn’t a romantic candlelit dinner for two, or even passionate lovemaking. Instead they were wrapped up in blankets on the verandah just watching the ocean roll in under the waning sun.

 

If he closed his eyes he could believe for just a little while that everything would be all right. That this woman in his arms wasn’t going to leave him alone soon. A fragile hand was tucked inside his so much larger one. Her breath fanned over his chest in erratic whispers. He kissed her forehead, then moved his cheek over her hair, letting it tickle him.

 

“What did Gunn want earlier?” Cordelia asked.

 

“Not much,” Angel replied, hating that he couldn’t tell her the truth. “Just some questions about a client of the law firm.”

 

“I wish we’d never accepted the deal.”

 

“Why? We’ve done some real good,” Angel said. “Yeah, we’ve made some compromises, but overall I think we’ve done more good than bad.”

 

“Do you think so?” Cordelia asked, turning to look at him. “We used to take out the bad guys, not help keep them in business.”

 

Angel sighed, and pulled her a little closer. This way he didn’t have to see the condemnation in her eyes. She knew the night club that Raven had been attacked in hadn’t been closed down. He’d braced himself for an argument from her, but she only looked disappointed in him. It hurt. There wasn’t much time left for them and he didn’t want any regrets for her. He wanted to explain everything to her. His plan for when she was gone of how he would sacrifice himself to bring that law firm down. A blaze of glory for the righteous in her name.

 

“I hated having to compromise,” Angel said. “I didn’t have a choice.”

 

“There’s always a choice,” Cordelia said, squeezing his hand. “Sometimes it’s just hard to see which one is the right answer.”

 

“That’s what you’re here for,” Angel whispered. “You’re my light, remember?”

 

She didn’t say anything, but he felt her tears against his skin. He gathered her closer and watched the day slip away into the night.

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