Fragile
 

Disclaimer: You guessed it- none of these characters belong to me- They are Joss' bright idea!
Post: A New Man. Buffy and Riley are seeing each other.
Title:Fragile

***

Buffy looked again over her shoulder as she walked briskly along. The Bronze had been a bust tonight, Riley hadn’t shown- again, despite her oh-so-subtle hints.

“God- that man does not catch on,” she moaned to herself.

A shuffled footstep behind her made her slow down slightly as she cast another glance behind her.
In the darkness she saw the flash of a silver chain hanging around a thick neck.

*Slayer*. She reminded herself, pushing past the fear she felt and continuing on her way. *No one hurts the Slayer*.

She rounded the corner and walked straight into someone. Or rather, some-thing.

“Spike.” she said, of all the people she really didn’t want to see. “What are you doing here?”

“Oh you know, the usual,” he replied smugly. “Stalking the streets- looking for damsels to save. Oh right- I mean kill ‘cos you know- I’m *not* Angel.”

“No kidding,” said Buffy, pushing past him to continue on her way.

“What?” he asked, “I don’t even get a go? You don’t even bother trying to take me out?”

“Trust me-” she replied, “You’re *way* more trouble than you’re worth Spike- even with that chip in your head.”

“Well okay then,” he said, “But you’re going to feel pretty lousy tomorrow when bodies are found.”
Buffy raised an eyebrow before kicking him in the shin and strolling on by.

“Ow,” he moaned as soon as she was out of ear shot, grasping his leg, “Damn crazy bint.”

She was still being followed, Buffy knew that much. She sighed and whirred around as he came up behind her.
“Give it up Spike- you’ll never-” her breath caught in her throat as a butch looking man grinned down into her face, his breath stale and clinging to her with the smell of alcohol.

“Hello Sweetie,” he said, bringing his huge, dirty hands down on her shoulders.
His breath was intoxicating and stole her strength away as he leaned in to crush his broad lips upon her own. As he forced himself upon her there was nothing for Buffy to do but scream out in terror.

***
He was still grumbling to himself when he heard her scream rip through the alleyway.

“Oh, bloody hell.” he said to himself, “That damn Slayer- always getting herself into bother.”

He ignored the agonising scream however. That girl could take care of herself- she’d proven that on more than one occasion. Spike bitterly rubbed his shin in recollection.
He decided to sit down, right there in the alleyway, and enjoy the sound of a Slayer in pain.

But as her screams grew fainter and further apart, Spike could tell the Slayer was getting tired.
It kind of got to him- he always figured he’d be the one to kill her- it didn’t seem right that some other creature was beating him to it.

Grumbling, he got back to his feet and headed in the direction the screams were coming from, surprised to find himself almost running.

If he had breath- it would’ve caught in his throat as he rounded the corner.

There she was, possibly the strongest woman in the world, pinned against a wall as a dirty old bastard stole away her innocence.

Her eyes were closed in sheer agony, tears streaming down her red cheeks.
Disgust filled the vampire and he could barely contain his anger as he lashed out at Buffy’s attacker.

“Bloody Hell!” he exclaimed as the electric pain shot through his brain. He clutched at his forehead, preparing himself as he drew his fist back again.

Then he let the man have it, pushing past the pain that wracked his entire mind.

Eventually the Slayer’s attacker pulled himself away and pushed Spike to the ground before running back into the darkness of the alleyway.

Both Buffy and Spike dropped to the ground in agony, Spike clutching his forehead while Buffy wrapped her arms around herself and let the tears continue to flow.

“Oh God...” she whispered, “Oh God...”
“Actually, I just go by Spike these days.” the vampire said weakly.

Buffy raised her head, acknowledging the vampire’s presence for the first time.

“You saved me?” she whispered, staring at the blond, still clutching at his head, rocking slightly along with the throbbing pain.

Through it all though, he opened his eyes.
“I guess I did...” he agreed.

Buffy hauled her broken self to her feet, wrenching her now straggly hair back from her eyes. Her eyes darted around the now deserted alleyway and she cried out in fear as a cat sped past her.

Spike watched the Slayer, his head clearing some. This was no good; no good at all.
The Slayer was the one girl in all the world with the power to stop the spread of evil. She couldn’t be afraid. She couldn’t hide from the dark. No one had the right to steal the Slayer’s strength, or the strength of any girl for that sake. Despite the hatred he had always felt for Buffy, in that moment he hated the vile man who had raped her... Even more.

Spike clambered to his feet and held his hand out to the frightened looking Slayer.
“Come on Slayer, let me get you home.” he said, using his softest voice.

Buffy looked at him, staring deep into those crystal clear blue eyes. “Not yet.” she said, “I can’t go home yet. Not yet.”

Suddenly her strength deserted her altogether and she fell into the shocked vampire’s arms, her face pressed into his chest.
He held her there for a moment, not sure of what to do.

“Slayer?” he asked eventually, holding her out in front of him. Her eyes were closed and her breath was jagged. She was unconscious.

No strength, no fighting, no puns- he could kill her right now with none of that. The desire to plunge his fatal fangs down into her soft, exposed neck was almost overwhelming. He lifted his fingers and gently traced them over the tiny blue veins lacing over her throat and slowly transformed into his game face. He lowered his head and opened his mouth to bite. Slowly he sank his sharp fangs into her soft skin, tasting the intoxicating power of her blood as he drank it in slowly. The pure pleasure of her blood seemed to chase away the spider web of pain shooting through his mind.

But then her scent wafted in his direction and paralysed him.

Twenty minutes later he was laying her sleeping form down on his bed. The crypt was cold and Spike worried about the goose bumps rising on the Slayer’s arms.

After a moment’s hesitation, he pulled the heavy duvet over her then stalked across the room, grabbing a bottle of whisky as he went.

Then he fell into his scruffy comfy chair and swigged from the bottle, casting his eyes to the sleeping Slayer and feeling himself groan in disgust.
Here he was, Spike, William the Bloody, most evil vampire of all time; second only to the infamous Angelous, and here he sat, Slayer sleeping on his bed, and he was doing nothing. He was watching her- sure, he could watch her to death. But if this ever got out- well, his old friends would probably kill him for betrayal.

Spike felt his eyelids droop but they shot open again when he heard her groan cut through the room.

“Hmmm...” she whimpered, rubbing her eyes as she sat up. She froze when her hands fell on the heavy duvet and her eyes snapped open.

For a few shocked seconds she sat in a petrified silence.
Then she let out a long, shrill, scream.
“ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!” she screamed, screwing her eyes tight shut in terror. “ARRRRRRRRR-”

Spike leapt to his feet and clapped his hand over her mouth.

Her eyes snapped open and bulged when they focused on him. She made a few muffled noises before whipping her fist out and slamming it into the side of his head.

He span off the bed and landed with a thud on the floor as the Slayer gasped to catch her breath.

“Ugh- What you do that for?” the vampire asked, rubbing his head as he got back to his feet.
On the bed, Buffy pulled her knees up and the blankets with her.

“Spike,” she warned, “Stay away...”

Spike tipped his head, an annoyed expression on his face.
“Hey-” he said, “I’m the one that saved you. Great protector and all that.”

Buffy pulled the duvet around her shoulders then stood, keeping her eyes on the blond vampire the whole time.

“Why...” she looked around then her eyes shot back to Spike, “Where have you taken me?”

Spike blanched, hurt that the Slayer didn’t trust him- though why that hurt him he didn’t know.

“My crypt,” he said, “You fainted and I wanted to be sure you were safe.”
Her eyes cleared at his response, but then clouded again as she raised her hand to her neck. The wound was still bleeding and Spike looked away when her eyes filled with question marks. He didn’t know why he felt bad for biting her- he was a vampire after all.

“You bit me?” she asked. Her fragile voice annoyed him and his expression hardened; what the bloody hell did she expect? “You... Bit me?” she asked again. This time the tears shining in her eyes bit into Spike’s heart and his expression softened.

He couldn’t answer so he looked away.
“I’ll take you home now Slayer,” he said, getting to his feet. “You’ll be fine.”

He put his hand on her shoulder and pulled her forward but she resisted.
“Not yet.” she said, her voice almost pleading. “I don’t wanna go back to the dorm yet.”

“Then let me take you back to your mom,” he said, “Joyce’ll take care of you.”

Buffy shook her head looking down, moving away from Spike’s hand.

“I don’t... I don’t...” she said, tears spilling from her eyes.

“Okay, okay. Take it easy Slayer,” Spike said, softly pushing hair out of her eyes.
She looked at him with genuine fear, such that he had never seen her show before. Spike felt as if his innards were being gripped with an iron fist. The Slayer was broken, and no matter how much he hated her, he still felt his heart being wrenched at the sight of her.

Her cheeks were wet with tears, her eyes red from crying. Her normally perfect blond hair was twisted into straggled rat tails, matted from sweat mingled with tears. Her clothes were dirty and ripped; her skin broken and bloody.

“Come on Slayer, lets get you cleaned up,” Spike said.
Buffy looked at her hands, grazed from coming into contact with the harsh pavement. She didn’t even remember getting the cuts and bruises on her arms. She looked at Spike who smiled encouragingly.

“Okay...” she said hesitantly.

She sat forward, standing uncertainly as Spike moved across the room to his sink, wetting a rag.

“This is gonna hurt,” he warned as he returned. He offered Buffy a chair and she sat down uncomfortably.
“Do it.” she replied.

She gasped when he lowered the cold cloth onto her raw shoulder; he kept the rag steady, however, doing his best to ignore the expressions of pain she made.

Slowly, gently, he cleaned all of the cuts that covered her strong body, moving his wet rag in a soft, circular motion over her toned skin. Finally he arrived at two tiny puncture holes on her neck and his hand froze.
Buffy’s eyes darted around the room then moved to slowly meet his. They were crystal clear and shining with tears.

Spike sighed and moved the cloth over the bleeding wound. The shock of the cold caused the Slayer to cry out and that provoked a reaction neither of them had expected.

“I’m sorry.” the vampire said in a voice that
sounded sincere even to him.

Buffy blinked away tears and they stared into each other’s eyes as Spike cleaned the wound he had caused.

When he was done he dropped his hand to his side and his gaze trailed down to the ground as he realised what kind of filth he was. But then a hand touched his arm and he looked up into Buffy’s sincere eyes. Then he turned his gaze to look at her soft hand rested on his forearm and his cold heart filled with warmth. But, all the same, he stepped back and turned away.

In silence he strolled over to the sink and slowly rinsed the blood out of the rag he had cleaned Buffy’s wounds with, watching the red liquid flow down the plug hole. Disgusted in himself, as even now, a voice in his head told him what a waste it was, to wash the Slayer’s blood away. He envisioned drinking her again; the way he had earlier. What had stopped him? He wondered. Was he even glad he had stopped?

He heard a clatter on the other side of the room and span around to see Buffy, hands trembling as she stared down at the stake she had dropped.

“Uh... Few ground rules,” Spike said, “No stakes during your little stay.”
Buffy’s gaze shot up to Spike’s face and she bent to pick the wooden stick back up. She slipped it back in her pocket, as if trying to make it obvious to him that she wouldn’t trust him, without using words.

“Okay... Good,” Spike continued, “Always be prepared, trust no one, I guess they’re Slayer rules.”

Buffy didn’t reply. She whipped her head around, a small noise catching her attention.

Spike watched her- she looked pretty spooked.

“Slayer-” he said, “You okay?”

She whipped her head back round to face him, bringing her fists up as a reflex, despite the fact that he was on the other side of the room. She stared at him a moment then dropped her fists.

“I’m fine.” she said in a voice that didn’t sound
like hers. “You... You don’t mind if I stay here do you?” she asked, “Just for tonight?”

Spike stared at her, his eyebrow raising slightly as her expression remained closed but innocent.

Innocent. He realised- he’d never seen the Slayer look so innocent- or vulnerable. The way she was looking up at him with eyes so expressionless and a face so smile-less made him feel guilty.

He sighed, shaking his head.

“Fine.” he said. “But the Scoobys don’t find out that you were here with me- especially not your new colonel do-gooder.”

Buffy jolted, remembering Riley and her friends. They seemed so far away from her now. She felt so very alone.

But she nodded, agreeing to Spike’s rules.
“They won’t find out.” she said, “I promise.”
Spike nodded too. Then neither knew what to say. Spike looked at Buffy and Buffy looked at Spike, both on opposite sides of the cold crypt.

“Well... You can take my bed.” Spike said eventually. “I never was much of a night sleeper anyway.” He scratched his head uncomfortably. “In fact, I think I might just...” he didn’t finish his sentence as he left the crypt; door slamming behind him.



***

It was mere moments before dawn when Spike returned, a reddish glow on the horizon threatening to rise into a beaming ball of light.

Spike had cut it a little finer than usual, not wanting to return to his home, tainted by the sleeping Slayer. It had felt good to be out in the night. Under the dark sky he could almost pretend to himself that the thoughts he was having were evil.

He didn’t have to admit to anyone that he was worried... Scared for the Slayer.

She was still asleep on his bed when Spike returned.
“Oh, if Angel could see me now...” he muttered to himself.

He sat down in his chair, making sure he could see the Slayer from where he sat. She was curled up tight in a ball, barley a bump under the heavy covers.

Her breathing was slow and steady and Spike tried to match it with his own. Exhaling as she did and inhaling moments later.
Her chest rose and fell as she breathed and Spike felt soothed by the gentle motion, eventually dropping off himself, despite his desire to stay awake and watch the Slayer sleep.

The crypt door burst open and Spike woke with a shock as he felt the intense heat charring his skin.

“ARGH!” he yelled as he leapt to his feet and ran to the retreat of his shadows. He took a breath in and turned to face the two angry males.

Xander and Riley both glared at him; both armed with stakes.

“What d’you want?” Spike snapped, grouchy from being woken in such a rude way.

“Seen Buffy?” Riley demanded.

Spike’s head snapped instinctively to the empty bed. Buffy wasn’t there. He turned back slowly.
“Haven’t seen her.” he lied casually. “Why?”

“She walked home from the Bronze alone last night,” said Xander, raising his stake threateningly. “Didn’t make it back. If you’re lying...”

“Please- give me some credit.” Spike scoffed, “I think if I’d have killed the Slayer I would have called the newspaper by now.”

Riley lowered his stake.
“He doesn’t know anything.” he said; convinced.

“About nothing.” Spike agreed.

Xander narrowed his eyes to a glare.

“If you hear anything... See anything...” he said, “Be sure to tell us.”

Spike nodded.
“Run along now,” he added.

The two men swept their eyes around the modest crypt then simultaneously turned away. Spike crossed his arms, watching them go.

So they thought they could stroll in here and confront the big bad- just because he has a chip in his head? Oh- they didn’t know how wrong they were- they-

“Spike?” he span around to see Buffy emerging from under the bed. He blanched in surprise- assuming she had just slipped out while he slept. He had considered her halfway home by now.

“Slayer?” he asked, “What’re you doing here? Didn’t you hear your friends?”

Buffy nodded, looking down.
“I couldn’t face them just yet... I think it’ll be a while until I can let Riley touch me again.” she embraced herself and look around the empty crypt for some outlet of cold comfort. “Thank you for lying for me.” she added.

Spike shrugged, “Hey- I’m evil,” he said, “Lying’s what I do.” there was a moment of silence that Spike decided to fill, “You know- along with stealing and killing and...” his voice drifted off.

Buffy was staring at him. He stared back at her- not sure of what else to do.

“I take it you don’t wanna go home just yet?” Spike asked. The Slayer shook her head decisively.

“Not yet.” she agreed. “They can’t see me in this state.”

It was the same thing the next day, and the one after that. After a week Spike stopped asking; he already knew the answer. Not ready, never ready.

It was at the end of the second week when Xander and Riley returned. This time Buffy managed to get below the trap door and hid quiet as a little mouse beneath their feet.

“You’ve really heard nothing?” Xander asked; exhausted tears in his eyes.

“Sorry.” said Spike.

“But you’re a vampire,” Riley protested, “You must know- must hear something.”

“Sorry.” Spike repeated. “But in case you hadn’t noticed, I haven’t quite been myself recently. Seems the other vampires don’t like a reformed character hanging out with them.”

“You’re not reformed Spike,” Riley said with disgust, “You’re just temporarily stilted.”

Spike ignored him.

“Wish you all the best with your Slayer searching- I really do, but I don’t know jack.” he said. Riley glared at him but Xander shot him a warning look.

“Let’s go Riley.” he said, “There’s nothing here.”

Spike glared after them as they slammed the heavy crypt door.

“Nothing here.” he repeated. “The bloody cheek of it...”
He looked over at Buffy’s head appearing out of the trap door.
“Not ready pet?” he asked.

“Not yet.” she agreed. She struggled to pull herself back into the room and the vampire went over to help her. Offering her his hand and then pulling her back to her feet. He held her in his arms for a brief moment then sighed, reaching to gently brush her hair out of her eyes. It was the third time he had gotten so close to her this week; as the days passed by he was surprised how often he hoped that Buffy would never be ready to leave.

“You know what?” he asked. Buffy looked at him wonderingly. “I think it’s time” he continued. “Time you started slaying again.”

Buffy closed her eyes.
“I don’t know if I-”

“Oh come on Slayer- you don’t fool me. I see you weakening. You need to be out there fighting- love.”

She looked up at him, surprised by his use of the word. Slowly she nodded.

“You’re right- of course you’re right.” she agreed. Fairly conscious of the fact that he was still holding onto her.

He let her go slowly, not really wanting to at all... For some reason.

“Tonight.” he promised.

-------------------

The first fight since her attack was painful. The vampire was rapidly beginning to win. Lucky for the Slayer, she had Spike close to her side and he took the vamp out at the crucial moment; as he plunged down toward Buffy’s neck.

He held his hand out and helped her back to her feet.
“Don’t fret- love.” he said, “I’m not surprised you’re shaky. I’m sure it’ll take a few days to get back on track.”

She nodded and allowed him to carry her gently home.

Not home... Back to his crypt.

He lay her down on his bed, now used to the uncomfortable chair he had claimed as his new bed.

Tonight, however, Buffy looked up at him as he went to move away.

“Spike?” she said. He knelt down beside her, his face close to hers.

“What is it- love?” he asked.

She reached out a tired hand to touch his cheekbone and smiled slightly before closing her eyes.

The vampire sighed softly as he got back to his feet. Then he leaned forward briefly, kissing the top of the Slayer’s head, inhaling deeply the scent of her golden hair.

Bloody hell... He thought, feeling emotion course through his veins. He didn’t know what was happening to him here. Something... That probably wasn’t right.

The second fight went better, the third too. By the fourth the Slayer had regained an incredible amount of strength and she managed to take the vampire out herself.

“Well done- pet,” Spike enthused, emerging from behind one of the tombstones.

Buffy ran to him.

“Did you see?” she cried. “I did it! I can do this!”
She threw her arms around his neck and Spike lifted the Slayer of the ground.

“I know you can.” he said. “That’s why you’re here- that’s what you’re made for.”

Gently he placed her back on the ground and for a brief moment they simply gazed into each other’s eyes.

Spike had been taking care of the Slayer for almost three weeks now. He’d helped her to recover and grow strong again. Neither of them really knew why he cared- but they both knew that he did.

Slowly, Buffy leaned upwards and softly, she planted a gentle kiss on his silky lips. Then she pulled away and gazed back into his deeps eyes, feeling herself get lost in their icy blue depths.

“Do you know what Slayer?” he said in a gentle voice that drifted to her ears as if carried on a breeze, “I know it’s wrong and I know it can’t be pure but... I love you...”
 

It had been five weeks since Buffy was attacked, and she lay on Spike’s bed with a gentle smile on her face.

He was out. He had been keeping vampire numbers down while she recuperated. She herself would take one out about once every two days but that wasn’t nearly enough to keep the Hellmouth under control so Spike had taken it upon himself to keep the new recruits feeling dusty.

Buffy lay on her back, thinking about the transformation she had witnessed taking place in Spike.

She could barely remember the vampire he had been now.
All she saw when she looked at him was her saviour; her protector; her lover.

Buffy wondered about the latter. She felt sickened at the thought of any man touching her... Any man but Spike that was.

Spike’s touch she longed for.

The situation was strange like that.

Buffy looked up as the crypt door opened and Spike strolled in. The sun was about to rise outside so it must’ve been dawn; time for bed, in other words.

He dropped his stake down onto a table and fell into his comfy chair.

“Tired?” Buffy asked.
“Doing your job.” he agreed. “Don’t know how you ever got up in the morning!”

“Ahh-” said Buffy, “Enhanced Slayer skills.”

“Explains a lot.” agreed Spike, rubbing his head.

Little more had been said on the matter since Spike had declared his love for Buffy. She had simply kissed him in return then they had walked home. That night he had kissed her on the forehead again before going to his chair; believing her to be asleep. Little did he know that she had cherished that gentle kiss.

But that is as far as it had gone.

Spike watched her now; wondering what she was thinking about. Wondering just why he loved her so much.

Her vulnerability. He told himself. As well as her strength.

“Spike?” Buffy called, sitting up on the bed.

“Yes- love?” he asked, sitting up too. Slowly she smoothed her hand over the bed sheets beside her.

“Stay here with me,” she said, “Instead of the chair.”

Spike looked at the tempting bed but then at Buffy’s fragile expression. She couldn’t handle rejection right now, but he knew she wasn’t ready.

“You’re not ready- pet.” he told her- knowing he was right.

“Then just hold me?” she asked.
Spike sighed softly, pushing himself out of his chair.
“Of course.” he said, heading toward his old bed.

Softly he climbed onto the bed and slipped under the covers, wrapping his strong arms around her small torso. She exhaled slowly, already afraid of being this close to a man again. But Spike’s gentle hands soothed away her fears as he gently wove his fingers through her long blond hair. Finally relaxing, Buffy lay her head down on his firm chest, closing her eyes.

Safe together in the darkness, Spike finally found those words once again.

“I love you Buffy.” he said.

“I love you too.” The words slipped out, surprising them both. Buffy turned quickly to look up at Spike who was gazing down at her in disbelief.

“You do?” he asked.

“I do.” she agreed, her eyes blinking back tears of sincerity. Slowly she turned her head back into his chest.

Eventually, the Slayer fell asleep.

Her dreams were candy coloured, soft like those she hadn’t seen for a long time. She walked in sunlight and bathed in the ocean.

But then the sun was shattered and through the darkness he came at her, his arms outstretched, his breath foul and reeking of alcohol.

“Sweetheart...” his slurred word tumbled around inside her brain as she remembered his thick lips crushing down on top of hers. His hands fumbling with her clothes.

She could feel his breath hot and fast on her neck, feel his mouth lower down to bite, feel his teeth slip into her soft skin.

“AAARRRRRGH!” Buffy screamed, “AAARRRRGH!”
Her screams woke both she and Spike up.

“Buffy?” called voices as the crypt door crashed open. “Buffy- are you here?”

The sky outside was a stormy black and rain fell from the dark clouds so rapidly that the cemetery itself was becoming waterlogged.

“Buffy?”

Lost in a fear of being found, the Slayer clung to the vampire’s chest.
“Don’t let them find me...” she whispered. “Not yet...Not yet...”

“Bloody Hell... Bloody Hell.” said Spike loudly. “Obsessed now soldier-boy. Buffy’s not here- Goddamit- why would she be?”

The silhouetted man stood in the doorway hung his head, Spike could see tears shining in his eyes and imagined the pain of loosing his beloved Slayer.

“I’m sorry mate.”

He was glad it was dark, Riley wouldn’t be able to make out the small lump hidden under the covers.
Riley turned on his heel and left, not even bothering to close the crypt door.

“Bloody Hell.” groaned Spike, pushing the Slayer off of him and climbing out of the bed. “Bollocks.” he said as he pulled the heavy door shut against the rain. He hadn’t realised before now just how deep the water was that he was sinking into.

Buffy was with Riley- Captain Do-good. Captain kill the vampires. Captain Good Guy.
Spike groaned; Captain Kill Spike as soon as he finds out that he’s been keeping the Slayer with him...

Spike could hear the Slayer crying but he stayed at the door, wondering whether he should just run after Riley and turn the girl over to him. Riley could do better for that girl than he could ever hope to.

Was it another of those cruel to be kind scenarios? He wondered.

“Ready yet Slayer?” he asked in an emotionless voice, all but ready to hand the beautiful girl over to her demon killing lover; resigned to his fate- which was probably going to be dusty.

But- for some reason- none of that seemed to matter, so long as the Slayer was happy. Jeez-us Christ, Spike thought to himself, what happened to me?

Buffy didn’t answer so Spike stalked over to her and lifted her from the bed easily, placing her on her feet.

Cruel to be kind, cruel to be kind... He chanted inside his head.

“Come on Slayer- it’s been five weeks and he’s still looking- he must love you far more than I’ll ever be able to.” he told her in harsher tones than he had used to her since the attack.

Buffy looked up at him with glassy eyes, filled with yet to be spilt tears.

Words failed her in that moment as he pulled his leather duster off of one of the chairs. He hadn’t worn it in a while- not since the attack.

He pulled the jacket around her shoulders, hauling the collar up around her neck. He held his hands there for a moment or two longer than he should do, shouldn’t be touching the Solider Boy’s property.

He sighed and forced away the tears that were threatening to rise in his own eyes.

“Spike...” Buffy said.

He turned away, “Don’t...” he said, “Please just go...”

“But I’m not-”

“You’ve been ready for a long time now.”

He stared at the floor, wondering if he was doing the right thing. *The right thing?* A voice in his head scoffed. *Your letting the most perfect woman in the world walk away from you- of course your not doing the right thing!*
Spike realised it with a start and he span around to catch her with his hands and lips.

But she was already gone.

And the crypt was cold and empty in her wake; colder and emptier than it had ever been.

---------------------------------

Buffy felt tears stream down her cheeks as she fumbled through the cemetery in a coat that was far too big for her.

She barely even noticed the rain and the dark through her tears.

Why am I crying? She asked herself angrily. He’s an evil vampire- was I really expecting this one to work out? But even as she thought the words- she knew she was wrong.

Spike may be soulless but for some reason... He wasn’t evil- not the way he had been. Something had changed him- somehow, falling in love with the Slayer had changed him.

Buffy decided she was going to play amnesia when she returned home- no recollection of the previous five weeks. Maybe she’d even play that mask to Spike; make him think she had forgotten all about falling in love with him. At least then she could move on from this chapter of her life- but was loosing Spike the price she would have to pay?

Buffy was so screwed up right now- she didn’t even know what she wanted.

She had to compress the desire to run back to the crypt and into Spike’s arms. She’d found safety there and it seemed stupid to give that up.

But he doesn’t want me. Buffy reminded herself. He told me to be with Riley.

Riley. Just the thought of him made the Slayer shiver. No doubt, he’d be overjoyed to see her- what if he wanted... to touch her... to be with her.

Buffy felt the tears return to her eyes. Would she ever feel ready to be touched- ever again?

The Slayer slumped to the ground, leaning her back against a grave stone.

She hadn’t gone very far. She could be back to the crypt, back in Spike’s arms, in less than five minutes.

She-

She felt him standing behind her and a smile lit her tired face.

“Spike.” she said with resolution as he rested his strong hand on her shoulder, “I knew you’d come back for me.”

The vampire growled possessively, startling Buffy.

“Spike?” she asked in a tentative whisper.

The words barely had a chance to leave her lips before he ripped her head to the side and plunged down toward her neck, digging his fangs deep into her skin and drinking in her intoxicating blood.

“No...” Buffy whispered, not allowing herself to believe that she’d been wrong about him; that he hadn’t changed; that he was still the evil creature who would kill whatever he couldn’t own, “SPIKE! NO!”

--------------------------------
***

Tears tumbled down his cheeks, ripping them raw from the intensity of the flow.

“Buffy- Buffy Love, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he cried, laying her trembling unconscious body down on his bed.

“Buffy?” he cried. He set his hand down on her forehead and the sleeping Slayer subconsciously moved away from his cold touch.

His tears fell onto her soft skin and Spike moved to touch the bite mark, ugly and protruding on her perfect neck. He touched it and the blood warmed his fingers.

For the first time in his life- the urge to drink blood had completely evaporated. Nothing mattered to him now but the Slayer; if she died he would die.

He pulled the duvet from beneath her and wrapped it around her gradually cooling body. She was getting cold... he couldn’t let that happen.

He pulled her wrapped torso into his arms and lay down on the bed, holding her close to him.

“I love you...” he whispered, though he knew his words were falling upon deaf ears, “I should never have let you go Love- I never will again- I promise you. I’ll never desert you- not if you need me- and I’ll never force you to leave if you want to stay...”

He lay his head on her shoulder and held her tight in his strong arms as he stroked her arms and hair gently; as gently as he could.

He tried not to panic- he knew the Slayer would pull through. She’d been bitten before- he knew she had.

But then things took a turn for the worse.

He must have fallen asleep, holding his Slayer close to him as he awoke with a start.

His crypt was flooded with light in an eerie manor. But he wasn’t on fire- it wasn’t natural light.
It took a moment or two for his eyes to adjust to the bright light. He could make out shapes on the other side of the light and , when he could finally see again, he realised a torch beam was being aimed into his eyes.

He panicked at this, looking around frantically and increasing his hold on the Slayer.

Gradually the shapes turned into people and he could clearly make out the angry, hate filled faces of Riley, Xander, Willow and Mr Giles.
All four of them held crossbows, aimed at his heart.

“Spike.” said Riley in a cold, threatening voice, “Move away from the Slayer.”

“Do it.” added Willow in an icy voice that shocked the vampire through and through. He’d never heard the sweet red-head use such harsh tones.

Spike sat up slowly, gripping onto Buffy.
“Wake up- Love.” he whispered urgently, before remembering that she was unconscious. He groaned, realising Buffy wouldn’t be able to save him the way he had, her.

He looked to the people surrounding him and realised he couldn’t harm them even if he didn’t have the chip- they were Buffy’s friends, her loved ones, and they cared for her almost as much as he did, himself.

He looked down at Buffy’s beautiful face and sighed.

“You won’t hurt her?” he asked.

Riley and Xander shot each other strange looks and Willow lowered her crossbow slightly.

“No,” she said, “We’re here to make sure you don’t hurt her- anymore than you already have.” she added, bringing the crossbow back up again.

Spike lowered his gaze again to glare at the two tiny holes in the Slayer’s neck. Then he closed his eyes and lifted her easily into his arms, proceeding toward Riley.

“Take care of her.” he said, passing her into the commando’s waiting arms.

Then he backed away and braced himself for the worse- his inevitable murder. Nothing mattered- as long as Buffy was happy.

“Make it quick...” he whispered.

“Oh I don’t think so.” said Mr Giles in a cold, level tone, before slinging an iron fist into the vampire’s jaw.

Spike span to the floor where he lay groaning in agony as he was beaten over and over again; grateful beyond belief as the dull blackness finally consumed him.

-----------------------

Buffy’s eyes were blurred when she opened them.

“Hey you,” said Willow’s gentle voice, “Riley,” she added, “Buffy’s coming round.”

Buffy blinked rapidly to clear her view as a face appeared before her.

“Riley...” she whispered, finding her voice strangled and croaky, “Why... What...”

She flinched as Riley placed a hand on her forearm, his very touch sending icy shivers through her spine.

“My poor Buffy.” he said.

“How’re you feeling?” asked Willow.
Buffy sat up and looked around slowly. She was sitting on her bed, back at home in her very own bedroom. Her room was full. Riley sitting beside her on the bed, Willow kneeling close to her and Xander and Giles pacing by the window.

Everything that had happened seemed but a dream to her now. The attack, Spike, everything, it was all a lot less real when she was back in the comfort of her room.

It was good to have the craziness in perspective again.

“I feel...” she stretched her arms right out to her fingers, “Good.” she finished.

Willow smiled.

“Good- good.” she said, “Everything’s... Good.”
Buffy noticed tears filling her best friend’s eyes and she furrowed her brow as Willow began to cry softly. Xander walked to her side and squeezed her shoulder comfortingly.

“It sure is good to have you back Buff.” he said, gazing down at the Slayer with tears of his own. “Longest five and a half weeks of life.”

“Five and a half...” Buffy tried to remember, forced her brain back to recall the previous five weeks.

She remembered the rape clear as day- could still feel the man’s finger tips burning on her skin. She could remember Spike attacking the man- despite the chip- pulling her attacker away and saving her. She remembered Spike taking her back to his crypt and nursing her back to strength. Remembered him telling her that he loved her...

“We’ve been searching for you the whole time,” said Riley in gentle tones, “The Initiative received reports last night of a vampire attacking a blond girl. We went to Spike for information but...” he looked around at the others, “Found something far more shocking.”

Giles stepped forward, his eyes angry and full of fire.

“We found you,” he said bitterly, “Inches away from death, clutched in the vampire’s arms, bite marks; deep on your neck.”

Riley reached for Buffy’s hand, looking to comfort her.

“Do you remember what happened?” he asked. Buffy pulled her hand away, trying to remember what had happened.

Her mind was a cobweb of confusion, full of screams when she tried to remember the night before.

She remembered Spike throwing her out. Being alone in the cemetery.

Then she remembered Spike coming back to her. Then she remembered Spike attacking her.

Buffy felt tears fall from her eyes and she moved away from Riley; fearing men more than ever.

Spike... She thought, so confused in her heart. Did he love me? Did I love him?

She wondered if anything she remembered happening was even true. Mortal enemies don’t fall in love... She reminded herself.

So Spike had tried to kill her?

“Spike...” she said slowly. “At home... I... I... I mean the crypt?”

“Yes.” said Riley, attempting to gather Buffy in his arms, his touch was forceful; unlike Spike’s which had always been gentle. “He had you wrapped up in his bed sheets... Buffy, we had our medical team examine you... They told us there was evidence that you could have been... Could have been raped.” He buried his head into her shoulder, as if trying to comfort her.

Buffy froze.

Her whole body turning to ice.

“Spike.” spat Xander, “Raped you.”

Buffy felt panicked tears in her eyes as she stared into the faces of her disgusted friends. 'Oh God- Spike'. She realized, horror coursing through her veins. Spike wouldn’t, couldn’t or could he- would he?

“Is he alive...?” she whispered, her words coming out slow and raspy.

“He’s here.” said Giles, “We have him chained up in the basement; waiting for your decision. He can go two different ways from this point. We can either kill him, here and now, or we can have him taken into custody by the Initiative. He would be experimented on and eventually executed. We realised no one but you had the right to make this decision.”

Buffy’s eyes widened in horror at the prospect of making such a decision about the vampire she knew she still loved. Her head throbbed with terror and confusion. She needed to see Spike. Spike had made it better before. Spike could make it better again.

But Spike had tried to kill her?

Why does my heart hurt? Buffy wondered.

“Can I see him?” she asked, directing her question at no one in particular.

“I think you’re a little weak right now,” said Willow, “It could traumatise you to see him again-”

“I want to see him.” Buffy said firmly, rising from the bed onto weak legs that barely held her weight. “Before I make my decision.”

--------------------------

Buffy insisted that she would see Spike alone but eventually agreed to let the others stand outside of the door to observe; make sure Spike didn’t harm her.

She looked back at them; could see their faces watching through the new glass panel installed to keep an eye on Spike. They were talking quickly, arguing maybe. Perhaps they had thought Buffy seeing Spike alone was a bad idea.

Buffy looked away from her friends, and back down at the dark steps she was walking down.

The basement was dark and cold. She wondered if Spike was cold; down here all alone for however long she had been unconscious for.

Riley watched her closely; afraid she would collapse or have a panic attack on seeing Spike, her rapist. Buffy appeared surprisingly strong, however, as she came to a stop in front of the battered vampire.

Buffy recognised his feet. They were perfect in her opinion, one of the most perfect parts of the man she loved.

Slowly, she looked up, raising her eyes to the vampire’s face.

And a jolt of horror ripped through her; screaming a song of hatred and love to her very soul.

Spike’s beautiful face was barley recognisable through the ugly cuts and bruises that decorated him.

A blood cover cross sat near by, clearly having been used upon him.

His bared chest was covered in burns and stab wounds.

He kept his eyes focused on the ground, appearing as terrified as Buffy herself felt, just at the sight of him.

“Please...” he said in a painfully weak voice. “Do whatever you want to me- just tell me if she’s okay? God! Why won’t you tell me if she’s alive?”

Tears fell from Buffy’s eyes as the vampire’s body tensed, waiting for the fateful blow he knew would come.

He would move away if he could but his wrists were held in heavy iron manacles, which, in turn, were attached to chains built into the wall of the basement. The chains held him close to the wall so he couldn’t even lie down once the beating was over.

He understood though, of course. He knew he would do the same to anyone who hurt the Slayer. His Buffy. His love.

Spike closed his eyes in exasperation when the blows didn’t come, his eyes rolling back into his head as he waited and waited.

Buffy breathed in sharply as she raised her fingers to the deep and painful bite wound on her neck, and then she made a decision.

“Buffy’s dead...” she hissed in a voice that even she didn’t recognise.

Spike froze, his whole body convulsing as a violent charge of emotion ripped through him. He kept his eyes tight closed, trying his best to keep in the tears that built and built behind his red raw eyelids. Everything- everything was broken now. His life was as good as over. He was dead. He was damned to Hell. He had failed her, failed his Slayer.

“You killed her...” Buffy hissed.

“I killed her. I killed her.” he repeated, knocking his head against the basement wall again and again, the blows growing in intensity as he attempted to smash away the pain. The pain he felt at losing her.

“I killed her. I killed Buffy.”

Buffy embraced herself, stepping backward. This was all the evidence she needed; his confession.

She would never have believed it if anyone else but he had said it. Hadn’t believed for one second that Spike had been her attacker until he had said the words.

He did it before. She reminded herself, touching the bite mark again. It was still throbbing with pain, and making it difficult for her to think entirely straight.

'Spike raped you...' Xander’s words screamed into her mind. Was that true too? Had he gotten her into that vulnerable state- made her fall in love with him too- just to rip her apart again. Just to tear away her dignity and self-respect. Leave her feeling worthless and dirty. Was it Spike? Had Spike done that to her?

Evil... She remembered a time when she had known what evil was- known clearly what the boundaries were and where they lay. Before she had fallen in love with Spike. Before the boundaries had twisted and broken.

Now she was nothing. Just a confused little girl with a heart that felt as if it were splintered into a thousand pieces.

Who was wrong? Who was right?

But Spike had confessed.

“I killed her...” He continued to chant to himself. Completely oblivious to the fact that she was stood right in front of him.

“And you liked it...” Buffy hissed. She had to know. She had to hear it from him. “Another Slayer under your belt. That’s three now Spike- you’re a legend.”

Spike ground his fists into his tearing eyes, his hands only just reaching; chains strained against his strong arms.

“I tried...” he said. “Tried to save her.”

Riley watched Buffy through the glass, feeling himself grow hot under the collar. Her fists were slowly clenching. He knew that if his girlfriend tried to kill the wretched vampire then he wouldn’t stop her. If she needed to kill him then that was what she needed to do.

He deserved it for what he had done to her. He deserved much worse.

He felt Willow tense beside him as Buffy threw a violent punch into Spike’s closed eyes.

“Should we stop her?” Willow asked, “Should we help?”

Riley shook his head, watching as Buffy punched the vampire over and over again.

“We let her do just what she has to.” he said.

Spike kept his eyes closed, not reacting to the punches that rained down on him. He felt detached from his body, slowly drifting, slowly leaving this place.

Then something called him back.
“I hate you.” Buffy’s voice sliced into his very being, bringing pain back into the punches, bringing him back into his body.

“Buffy!” he cried, ripping his eyes open and staring straight into her angry face, more beautiful than he could ever remember.

And even through the pain, all he could feel was pride. Pride at how strong his Slayer had become.
“I thought you were... I thought you were-”

“Yeah- no such luck huh?” Buffy asked, slamming her fist into his face. Spike’s body twisted against the chains which ripped into his raw flesh, drawing great gashes of blood out of his arms.

He cried out, despite his strength. It hurt him, tore at his heart, to know that it was Buffy, his Slayer, who was causing him this pain.

He used his fists to guard his face, crossing them to keep her back, if just for a second.

“Buffy... What are you-”

“You killed me.” she said coldly. “You said it.”

Spike’s eyes filled with tears and he dropped his protective arms in resolution as he realised what this was about. What Buffy had to do.

“I threw you out.” he said softly.

“I was alone in the cemetery.” Buffy said. “I wanted to go back to you- didn’t want Riley- didn’t want anyone but you. I was sitting, thinking it over when you came up behind me. Placed a comforting hand on my shoulder... Then ripped into my flesh with your teeth...”

Spike’s face grew questioning as she glared down at him.
“What? Buffy I-”

“Drank me in, took away all my strength until I was unconscious. Laughed when I cried out that I loved you, despite it all. Then raped me, just as Riley and Xander told me; you broke me the same way that man did. Stole away everything you’d given me. Tore away my innocence, my heart... My soul.”

Spike was staring, his mouth open as he tried to search for words. But her harsh, accusing tone had torn away his tongue so instead he sat in silence, mouth agape as she began to hit him again.

“I hate you- wish I’d never gone back to your crypt. Wish I killed you the day I met you.”

He felt her strength fade as her face crumpled into tears, her punches growing weaker by the second.

“Why did you do it Spike?” she asked. “I would have given it to you, given it all to you if you’d have let me. Why did you have to take it when I was ready to give?” She dropped to her knees, her head falling into her hands as she began to cry intensely.

Riley watched with a sickened horror as the disfigured, evil vampire reached out uncertainly to touch her arm in a gesture of comfort.

Everyone, including Buffy, noticed how she didn’t flinch at his touch.

Riley and the other’s burst into the room as Buffy looked up slowly into Spike’s eyes and whispered;
“It wasn’t you...”
Spike smiled, stroking her arm, the smile making his cut and broken face hurt, but feel good both at the same time.
“Never- Slayer. I could never hurt you.”

“Get your hands off her!” Riley ordered as he reached the pair. Willow and Xander darted forward, pulling Buffy protectively backward; away from Spike.

Buffy watched, eyes wide with horror as Riley kicked him brutally, again and again and again.

She struggled in her friends grip, trying desperately to get back to Spike.

“ No!” she cried.

“It’s okay Buffy,” Willow soothed, “Riley’s gonna kill him- then it’ll all be over.”

Buffy froze as Spike looked up wearily through the attack, meeting her eyes. His were watery and out of focus, but she recognised something in them that she had seen shining from the many times before. Love.

“No!” she cried, breaking free of her friends grip and ramming herself into Riley. “It wasn’t Spike!” she cried, “You can’t kill him!”

She pulled Riley with her to the ground and they landed with a thud. Buffy crawled forward, grabbing the stake Riley had been preparing to use.

“You can’t.” she repeated.

Riley stared at her, his eyes narrowing with annoyance as he tried to figure out just what kind of power trip she was on.

“You’re not... Serious...” he asked, trying to contain his anger as Buffy pushed the stake she taken from him, deep into her pocket. “Buffy... This creature attacked you, raped you. Maybe you don’t remember- but you’ve been gone five and a half weeks!”

The word rape echoed around in her mind and in a flash Buffy recalled the burning fingers on her flesh.

She shuddered then pushed it all away.

“I haven’t been raped.” she said, “I just needed a time out. And I was attacked- but not by Spike. He saved me.”

She looked at her friends, biting her lip, hoping more than anything that they would believe her and let it all go.

“Now you’ve taken him and hurt him... When all he did was rescue me. Guys- you’ve gotta let him go.”

Everyone looked at Spike who was leaning forward, straining against his chains which were digging into his wrists.

He was weak, barely conscious; but he heard Buffy’s words and they filtered through him making his body sigh. Soon he’d be free of the chains. Finally Buffy would save him right back.

He slipped into a soothing darkness.

-------------------------------
Thanks to everyone who has reviewed***

He didn’t see her for a long time after that. It was another entire five weeks before they met again, and it was during those five weeks that he realised just what torment her friends had been going through the whole time she had been with him.

The weeks had been empty and a painful low for the vampire who had nothing to do. Trapped between good and evil, it made him feel sick to even think of killing. Hurt him on the inside to think what Buffy would say if she caught him with blood on his fangs. Also what she would do. He wanted more than anything to not let her down.

She was inside his heart now, locked inside there so tight, it hurt him that she wasn’t in his arms.

His biggest regret was forcing her to leave that night. Pushing her out into the dark.

He remembered how he had felt when he decided to go after her; pull her back into his arms. But then, to see her unconscious and covered in blood in the arms of that vicious creature... Something inside of him had collapsed and he barely remembered fighting and killing the vampire who had attacked her.

He remembered the way he had carried her back to his crypt though.

He draped her across his arms, trying to support the most fragile parts of her body, wanting to run but not wanting to bustle her or risk damaging her body even further.

Instead he had walked slowly, letting his tear drops fall into her wounds, offering his love as a cure.

“I’m sorry...” he had whispered again and again, gazing down at her broken but beautiful form. “I love you...”

It still wounded him to think that she, Buffy, had believed it to be him who had attacked her. Even believed those heartless liars when they had told her that he had raped her.

She believed them. He repeated. They told her that I hurt her and she believed them. After all he’d done, after all they’d been through together.

That hurt.

Five weeks he spent alone, dwelling in that pain. Wishing everyday that she would come to him, but she never did.

Happy with Soldier Boy. He told himself. There’s someone she could really believe in. He realised. Riley would never hurt her- she wouldn’t believe anyone who told her that he did.

It was a matter of trust. A matter of faith.

Buffy must have had little trust, little faith, in Spike.

He wondered if she’d ever even loved him, or if she’d just said it to torment him.

I guess I’m losing my faith in her... he realised.

But then, five weeks after Spike had found himself back in his crypt, he saw her.

He was stalking through the cemetery; looking for a fight in all honesty. He needed something, anything to get his blood pumping.

He was fighting a vampire, prolonging the beating, leaving the staking to the very last moment; relishing in the sight of blood. Perhaps falling back onto old habits.

He was pummelling the creature in the face; again and again and again, when suddenly it burst into a cloud of dust.

Initially he’d been confused, wondering if he had somehow punched the creatures head off. But then his mind cleared as the dust fell and saw Buffy standing before him.

She stared at him and he stared right back.

Five whole weeks and they hadn’t even spoken.

Nothing had been clarified, no one had apologised, everything had been left hanging up in the air.

“I love you.” were her first words. The first words he had heard her say in five whole weeks.

“I love you.” he replied without hesitation.

“I’m sorry.” Buffy continued.

“I’m sorry.” Spike replied.

They stood, both uncertain as they gazed at each other.

Nothing was right. This couldn’t possibly work.

Spike reached out for her and she crushed herself against his chest, taking his breath away with the intensity of her embrace.

“I’ve missed you so much...” she whispered, choking out a sob at the end, “Oh God Spike, I’ve been in Hell!”

“Shh...” he comforted, stroking her hair gently, inhaling her scent more deeply than ever before. Five weeks, it had been, but this embrace just seemed so right.

Like they’d never been apart.

Like nothing had happened between this moment and the night Spike had first expressed his love for the Slayer.

How they both wished they were back in their own private home.

Excluded from the world and all it’s complications; not caring about anyone but each other; not even caring how wrong it was said to be; no one’s opinions would matter but there own.

Buffy noticed with a crushing of her heart that Spike was crying; his body trembling softly as the tender sobs washed over him.

A scenario she never imagined she’d find herself was in the arms of a weeping, soulless vampire.

But he held her close to him, forgetting everything; and she did the same.

For a moment they both wished they could remain in that embrace for eternity but then a shout broke their silence.

“Buff!” it was Riley’s voice and it sliced into Spike’s heart like a knife of reality.

“Soldier Boy’s property,” he said, backing away and holding up his hands; remembering the torture he had endured at the hands of Buffy’s real lover. “I can’t, I wasn’t...”

Buffy stared at him, confused, as he looked fearfully in Riley’s direction.

And that was when she realised that everything that had happened hadn’t just affected her. It had cut deeply into Spike and it had twisted and contorted him. He was a changed man.

And she was a changed woman.

She embraced herself with a chill as she contemplated just what Riley would expect of her when they returned back to his bed together.

Her eyes lingered on Spike for a moment then she turned and ran.

------------------------------

Spike stayed in the next night.

He didn’t know why but it just seemed like the right thing to do.

Maybe he should stay away from the Slayer- for her own good. Being in love with a vampire probably wasn’t healthy for her.

It was just after midnight when he heard the scrabbling at his door.

He grunted, expecting an epidemic of foul rodents crawling around on his doorstep.

Instead, when he pulled back the door, he found a Slayer, collapsed and crying.

He stared at her a moment then realised there was a decision to be made; take her back into his home, take care of her. Or close the door on her right now and cut her from his life.

He contemplated his options then bent to scoop the Slayer into his arms. She laid her head into his shoulder as he carried her over to his bed and laid her down softly without question.

Her eyes were closed wearily and tears streaked her cheeks, making them red and blotchy. Still she was beautiful.

“What happened?” Spike asked eventually.

Buffy choked on a sob and she opened her eyes to look up into his, searching for comfort.

How she’d missed his eyes; it felt like a whole life time since she’d last looked into them.

And being with him now, it was a bizarre feeling; like being back in the arms of an old familiar, not an old enemy.

“Riley...” she managed.

“What did that son of a bitch do to you?” Spike demanded, his teeth clenched as he felt his protective streak kick in. If Soldier Boy had hurt her in any way then Spike would kill him- painfully.

Buffy closed her eyes and tears leaked out in little puddles. She looked ashamed. She felt dirty.

“He... He forced me... I wasn’t.... Wasn’t ready...” she began to breath, fast and afraid. Spike gazed at her with worry, stroking hair from her eyes.

“Hey- calm down- love- it’s over now; whatever he did.” he soothed.

Buffy didn’t look any less afraid.

“It’s not though,” she said in a haunting whisper, “This is never gonna go away is it? I’m always gonna be afraid- never gonna want to be touched.”

Spike shook his head, feeling tears rise in his eyes.

“That’s not true Slayer, you’re not gonna let this tear your life apart,” he said, “You’re better than that- stronger than that.”

Buffy wished she could believe him.

He laid his hands on her soothingly and caressed away her aches and pains. Buffy moaned at his touch, forgetting everything.

She travelled back in time; she was innocent again. The rape had never happened. She was with Angel...

Buffy jolted, instantly pushing thoughts of Angel far away from her; forcing herself to look at Spike; to see the love and concern in his eyes.

“I love you,” he said, “No matter what happens, I’ll always be here.”

And he was.

Night after night Buffy arrived at his crypt, tears streaking her cheeks, body bruised and battered from Riley’s forceful handling.

Spike’s gentle hands soothed her, made her human again.

Then she would leave, happier and full of love.

But that evening she would be back again.

It was a vicious cycle and it was tearing Spike apart.

After a further five weeks of daily visits from his Slayer, he knew he would have to do something more drastic to help her.

And that’s why he went to Xander, Giles and Willow.

***

They weren’t pleased to see him when he showed up on Giles’ doorstep; black leather duster pulled right over his head to keep him from catching fire.

All three of them glared at him.

'So much for my plea of innocence- none of this lot trust me.' he thought begrudgingly.

“What d’you want Spike?” asked Xander who hadn’t seen the blond vampire for almost ten weeks now, not since Buffy had forced him to cut the vampire free and haul his limp body back to his crypt.

Xander had done it- because it was what Buffy wanted- but he did it with a snarl on his face and he wanted more than anything to kill the monster then and there. He still believed Spike was behind Buffy’s attack; he just couldn’t figure out why Buffy would lie about something like that. So he let his anger lie and left the vampire alone.

But now here he was, sizzling under the sun but still with that arrogant smirk on his face.

“I need to talk to you about Buffy.” Spike said, pushing his way into the safety of the house.

“You stay away from her Spike,” Giles warned, “Or I swear to God we’ll kill you.”

“Yeah,” agreed Spike, “Or just torture me again- cos you know- that’s always a laugh. Or so I’ve heard.”

“What d’you want?” asked Willow, crossing her arms with evident agitation, “Because if you’ve just come here to moan-”

“No- I’m worried about Buffy.” he said, “And for you to fully understand my side of the story then there’s something else you must know. Buffy and I are in love.”

A stunned silence fell over the room. A silence that was eventually broken by Xander who snorted mockingly.

“Yeah Spike- I’m sure.” he said sarcastically. “Buffy’s not stupid.”

Spike glared at him then raised an eyebrow.
“It’s the truth.” Spike said. He looked at each Xander, Willow and Giles in turn. They all looked sceptical- to say the least. “And to understand why we fell in love, then you gotta know the story.” he continued.

“This should be good.” said Xander mockingly.

Spike ignored the comment and gestured for the three to sit down. They did as he instructed but none of them looked particularly happy; as if they couldn’t really care less about what he about to tell them. He didn’t care though. He’d get his story out; for Buffy.

“I ran into the Slayer,” he began, “The night she first disappeared all those weeks ago. We exchanged some pretty harsh words- then we went on our way. I think I was about halfway down Newtown when I heard her screams. For a while I just stood there, enjoying the happy sound... But then I noticed that they were weakening. It was as if she had given up the hope that someone would save her.

“I still don’t know, for the life of me why I did, but I ran in the direction of those fading screams. I’m not quite sure what I was planning to do but when I found her... Instinct took over.

“Now- I hated Buffy as much as the next vampire but when I saw her face twisted in agony as that filthy man forced himself upon her... Well... I just snapped.

“It hurt- oh boy- it hurt. But I hit him- again and again and eventually he pushed me over and ran away. I managed to get him off her.

“I was prepared to take the Slayer home- back to Joyce who I knew would take care of her- but she told me not yet- and then she fainted into my arms.

“I carried her back to my crypt- I guess I wanted to be sure she was okay. Get her back on her feet then send her on her way next morning- shiny and new.

“I cleaned her up that night too- washed all her wounds. And she cried a lot. I didn’t really know what to say or do.

“She slept in my bed that night- I took the comfy chair. Then I woke up by the sunlight as old Xander here and his pal Riley came door knocking. They asked me if I’d seen Buffy and I said no because I didn’t want to be associated with her- didn’t wanna get all tangled up with her Scooby Gang. Besides, when I looked back at the bed- she was gone. So everything worked out fine.

“Apart from- as soon as the cronies were gone guess who crawled out from under my bed. She told me she wasn’t ready to go home just yet- couldn’t face seeing people- having people ask her what had happened or what was wrong.

“So instead she stayed in my crypt. Not sure why I let her- it just seemed like the right thing to do.

“Week later the pair were back again- this time Buffy hid downstairs and I sent them on their way without a second thought. For some reason I was beginning to care about the Slayer- nothing seemed to matter so long as that girl was happy- tacky as it sounds.

“So I took her in and took care of her. After that I could see she was getting weaker so I made her go back out into the cemetery and begin slaying again.

“At first she was awful- no strength at all and no courage to stand her ground. But gradually she got better and when she managed her first unassisted kill I told her something that had been building for a while. I told her that I was in love with her.

“Not long after that she asked me to stay with her on the bed- nothing intimate because like I told her, she wasn’t ready, but I held her in my arms the whole night through. That was the first time she ever told me that she loved me too.

“I think she had a nightmare or something because she woke up screaming something awful- and that’s when Riley bust in. He was all crazed and frantic but Buffy clung to me and begged me not to give her away. So again I lied and sent him on his way.

“It was in that moment, however, that I made a decision. I realised my love would never be pure or good enough for what Buffy deserved, so I pulled her from our bed... And I told her to go be with Riley. Reminded her that she loved him not me, and I sent her after him.

“But I missed her almost straight away and realised something else- I couldn’t live without that girl.

“So I ran out after her into the cemetery... and saw her broken and bleeding in the clutches of a vicious vampire.

“Nothing mattered but Buffy in that moment and I killed that vampire faster than I’ve ever killed any other.

“Then I carried her trembling body all the way back home and laid her on my bed; terrified to see that she was growing cold.

“I wrapped her in my duvet and pulled her close to me, whispering apologies at letting her go into her ears.

“I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I remember is you guys, all glaring and pointing cross bows at my heart. Then I was chained up in the basement and nobody would tell me what was happening with my Slayer. That was the worst torture of all; not knowing. Not the kicking, the punching or even the burning. Just the constant fear biting into me; telling me that she could already be dead.

“But when she woke you poisoned her mind- told her it was me who attacked her. Made her believe that I had raped her too; even though I knew how much that would hurt her- destroy her; she still believed I was capable of that because you told her it was true.

“So she came down to my torture chamber alone. I was so out of it with fear at this point that I didn’t even look up to see who had come to batter me this time. Just begged to know if she was alright.

“Buffy must have been hurt and angry... as she told me in a voice that wasn’t her own- that she was dead. She watched me break down- feeling satisfied with herself at hurting me; believing me to be the one who hurt her so badly.

“When I whispered the words- I killed her- I meant that I had failed her; let my loved one die.

“Buffy heard it as a confession and she brutally attacked me... I believe you were watching through the glass.

“But I didn’t care- I thought that Buffy was dead. But then she cried the words ‘I hate you’ and the second I heard her voice I was back in the room.

“She screamed at me- accused me of the terrible things you put in her head and eventually she collapsed in tears.

“Then I touched her arm and something seemed to register. She looked up at me through her tears and whispered ‘it wasn’t you...’

“Then you guys and Soldier Boy burst in; you dragged the screaming Buffy away from me and forced her to watch as Riley kicked me again and again and again. Then, as if you thought it would console the Slayer you, Willow, told her ‘don’t worry- Riley’s gonna kill him and then it’ll all be over.’

And it would have all been over for both of us if Buffy hadn’t have broken free and tackled Riley when she did.

I don’t remember much else because I blacked out but I gather that it was Xander who dragged my battered body home. Cheers pal,” he added.

“Then she was gone. Out of my life. For five whole weeks I was alone. I still loved her but I knew staying out of her life was the best thing I could do for her.

“Then, one night when I was out vampire hunting- searching for my latest blood lust... There she was. Just... Standing there.

“And the first words she said to me after five weeks of emptiness were ‘I love you’ you truly cannot imagine how I felt as we clung to each other for a full fifteen minutes, breathing each others scent in and remembering it forever.

“But then Riley called to her and Buffy went rigid with fear.

“The very next night she came to me in tears. Riley had forced her to sleep with him. Probably wasn’t his fault- he couldn’t have known that she wasn’t ready- but she was shaking and crying. Bruises all over her body that suggested she had resisted against him; that he had forced her. She was so tense and afraid... But I soothed her and she fell asleep in my arms like she had done all those weeks ago.

“I thought that would be it. That she would be better. But the next night the same thing. Then every night for the next five weeks. Each time she was shaking; terrified and hurt.” Spike choked back a sob, thinking of how broken his Slayer had become. “It’s not...” he tried. “It’s not fair for the strongest woman in the world to be afraid of something as beautiful and natural as... To have her very innocence ripped away from her. You must have noticed how withdrawn and reclusive she’s been recently, flinching at the slightest touch.

“And it’s not at all her fault. She’s a victim, just like all women who are raped are.” Spike looked at the Scoobies who were staring at him, looking as if they were suffering a state of shock. “So I think we should find a way to help her.” the vampire
continued, “There must be some way to make her forget so that she can move on with her life and be happy again.”

Willow stared at Spike, her eyes glazed with tears at his story. The regret and the loss; and through it all, he only wanted to help Buffy.

“There’s a spell.” she said. “That could work.”

Spike looked at the young witch eagerly, longing for anything that would spare his Slayer her pain.

“But Spike,” Willow continued, “You realise that if we eliminate the... r... attack... from Buffy’s memory... She will also forget all about your relationship. She’ll more than likely go back to hating you.”

Spike didn’t even hesitate.
“If that’s the price for her happiness.”

Giles looked at the noble vampire incredulously. The Watcher could hardly believe the transformation that had taken place before his very eyes. Spike’s desire to care for the hurt young Slayer had changed him from evil, worthless creature, to righteous, dignified man. And now, after all they’d been through, he was willing to sacrifice his love for Buffy so that she could lead a better life.

Giles shook his head in wonderment.

Beside him, Xander sat in a torn kind of silence. It was far easier for him to believe that Spike had raped Buffy, but he couldn’t get his head around the fact that Riley had.

He also had guilt. A lot of the torture Spike had received had been at Riley and his own hands.

He remembered clearly how Spike had begged for information on Buffy and he had kicked his face again and again just to keep him from asking. Xander had believed he was doing the right thing; thought he was preventing filth from speaking her name. But he’d been slowly destroying the man Buffy loved; the man who had protected her and saved her life.

Yes; Xander was torn.

“Do we tell her?” Giles asked, “Should she know that we’re going to eliminate the memory?”

“I’ll tell her.” Spike said.

The three looked at him; pitying expressions on their faces.

But Spike knew that he was lucky.

Through it all, he had loved, and been loved by, the most incredible woman on the planet.

***
Thank you again to everyone who reviewed- I did have a few questions about the fact that Riley raped Buffy and I wanted to make it clear that it was more like- he was forcing her- so not beating her in a physical sense- but mentally. And the only reason she doesn't stop him is because she is afraid- rape tears apart even the strongest people. I thought it would be beautful to see a protective relationship form between Spike and Buffy- which is why he is trying to stop all this from happening.
So thankyou again- and please keep reading!!

She came to him again that night. Trembling and sobbing she fell into his strong, waiting arms.

“Why does he do it?” she whispered, “Why doesn’t he care?”

Spike touched her bruises with tender fingers and then lifted her into his arms; kissing her again and again as he carried her over to his bed.

Buffy tensed with terror as he laid her down, but he had no intention of forcing her into doing something she obviously wasn’t ready for.

The Slayer’s body remained rigid and terrified as he climbed onto the bed beside her and reached to pull the covers over them both.

“Spike...” she whispered, her tone empty but afraid.

“Shh.” he said, kissing both of her eyelids.

Then he lay, staring at the ceiling, Buffy icy rigid beside him.

But slowly she seemed to melt, curling slowly onto her side and resting her head on his chest and tucking her arms around his torso.

Spike sighed sadly. He knew he was going to miss her terribly.

He pulled his arms around her and the two cuddled up close to each other.

Buffy smiled. Spike would never hurt her.

He stoked her hair lovingly, trying to think of a way to tell her what he and her friends had decided that day.

He didn’t know how she would react. She’d be grateful that the memory would be gone but she would be angry that he had made the decision for her.

And she’d probably be sad that they wouldn’t be together any more.

But then she would forget it all- and none of it would have mattered anyway.

“I went to see your friends today,” he said into the crown of her golden hair. Buffy pulled back so she could look up into his eyes.

“Why?” she asked, placing one of her hands onto his chest. It felt warm.

“I was worried,” he answered, “About you.”

“About me?” Buffy asked, “What about me?”

Spike gazed down at her. She looked mildly worried at the prospect of Spike conversing with her friends but she also looked slightly touched.

“I told them about us Buffy,” he said, causing her body to jolt slightly. He stroked her neck soothingly, “It’s okay.” he said, “They understand- we have their support- even Xander.”

Buffy blinked back tears.

“How did you get them to understand...” her voice trailed off with uncertainty.

“I told them.” Spike said, “About how you were raped. How I had to take care of you. How we fell in love.”

Buffy tried not to cry as she tried to move away from him, pushing against the firm grip he had on her arms. For a shocked, panicked moment she forgot where she was and who she was with. All she felt was terror; she was trying to move away from the man and he was gripping down on her arms.

“Let go! Let go!” she screamed; still screaming even after Spike had dropped his hold and was cradling the Slayer in his arms.

“Shh...” he said. “It’ll all be over soon.”

Buffy’s screaming stopped and she looked up at him questioningly.

“Over?” she asked.

“I’ve talked it over with Willow.” Spike said. “She thinks she can pull together a spell that will wash away your memory of the attack. You wont have any memory of the previous fifteen weeks. All of this mess and terror will be gone from your mind.”

Slowly Buffy smiled, the beautiful image spreading across her face as she contemplated the idea of a normal (ish) life.

But then something in her mind connected and the realisation came about.

She looked up at her blond vampire with heavy tears in her eyes.

“I won’t remember.” she said, reaching to trace the line of his cheekbone. “Won’t remember how you saved me- how I love you.”

For a whole minute they stared at each other then Spike pulled Buffy into his side and kissed the top of her head; again and again and again.

Then together they cried, both of their bodies wracking with sobs as they said goodbye to each other.

“I’ll never forget you...” Buffy whispered as she drifted toward sleep, “Not in my heart.”

--------------------------------------

Xander and Willow found them curled up together on his bed the next morning and any doubt that Spike may have been lying, drifted far away.

They had their arms locked protectively around each other hands touching flesh without shame or fear.

Buffy’s head was nestled into Spike’s chest and his was rested beside her neck; no fear that he would bite her, or ever hurt her.

And they were both smiling, though tears were dried on their cheeks.

It was clear for anyone to see that the pair were desperately in love.

“We actually believed that he raped her,” Willow whispered, gazing at the protective hold he had on his Slayer, “And we made her doubt him, if only for a moment. But we made her believe that the man she loves abused her in such a way.”

Xander too looked shamed; his eyes slightly glazed as he stared at the unlikely couple.

“We didn’t think- didn’t know.” he justified, remembering how much venom and hatred had filled him when he and the others had burst into this very crypt. Xander had wanted to kill Spike for the way he had been touching Buffy; worse, he wanted to torture him, make him suffer for even thinking that he could put his hands on her. Never had he imagined the story would take this twist.

When he saw the Slayer, bruised and bleeding, wrapped up in the vampire’s arms, he hadn’t even noticed the tears that streaked Spike’s cheeks.

Hadn’t even cared that the vampire was crying; that he too was hurt from his battle with the vampire that had attacked Buffy.

He had raised his crossbow; prepared to fire. Then he and the others had forced the vampire to hand the girl over to them. Then they had beaten him to a pulp; literally.

All the while he had cried her name, but Xander hadn’t noticed or cared.

All that mattered was that the vermin, filthy vampire had been touching her; holding her close to his cold, dead body.

That had all been enough for Xander to push past his humanity and beat the weeping vampire.

Xander looked again at the couple on the bed. Buffy was stretching slightly, her hand snaking up
Spike’s bare chest and curling around his shoulder; bringing him closer to her still.

“And now we’re going to split them apart again.” Xander said. “If Buffy looses the last fifteen weeks she’ll go straight back to hating Spike. You remember Will, how little she thought of him. She despised the ground he walked on.”

“I know.” Willow replied sorrowfully, “But Spike has made up his mind and if he can get through it then so can we.”

“Oh God,” Xander whispered urgently, “Do you think she’ll return to Riley?” Xander had lost a lot of respect for his commando friend recently. “He doesn’t know anything about this. He probably won’t even notice the difference. And Buffy won’t remember what he... did to her...”

Willow reached for Xander’s hand.

“Whatever happens- happens.” she said, looking into his worried eyes, “Maybe Buffy and Spike will find each other again in some other way.”

Slowly the couple on the bed began to stir.

Spike sat up first, seemingly oblivious to Xander and Willow who stood submerged in shadow, observing them both.

Spike gazed down at his beautiful Slayer as she slept lightly, slowly coming out of her slumber.

Xander and Willow saw his tears drop onto Buffy’s face; then he leaned down and kissed her gently.

“Forever- love.” he said quietly.

Xander squeezed Willow’s hand and she looked at him with a sad smile on her lips.

Slowly Buffy sat up and looked around, recognition reflecting in her usually hollow eyes.

“I stayed the night.” she said.

“Like old times- pet.” Spike agreed, helping her into a sitting position; wrapping his arms around her warm body.

She rested her head on his strong shoulder, a sadness taking her over.

“This is the last time isn’t it?” she asked, “Tomorrow I won’t remember will I?”

Spike shook his head sadly and Buffy watched the tears zig zag down his cheeks.

“When do I-”

“Tonight.” Spike said, “We have to take you to a Holy place, the church I think.”

Buffy nodded.

“Then it’ll be over.” she said.

“And the nightmares will stop.” Spike agreed. “You can stop crying out in your sleep; stop being afraid of the dark.”

Buffy leaned her forehead against his chest and sighed deeply, moving up and down as he breathed in and out.

“I want you to know,” she said, speaking into his chest, too shy to look up into his eyes, “That I’ve never loved anyone more than I love you right now. And if I see you one day in the street and I tell you that I hate you, then just remember my secret code. Hate means love- Spike- so if I tell you that I hate you then only you will know what I really mean.”

Willow felt tears in her eyes at the sadness in her best friend’s voice and Xander wrapped his arms around the redhead’s shoulders. Everything about this situation seemed horribly unfair on Spike and Buffy.

“I know pet,” he said, “I guess that means I’ll have to say it back for good measure.”

Buffy laughed, but Spike felt tears wetting his chest.

“I love you- Slayer.” he said, “Forgive me for living in the past,” he said, “But I know I’ll never love again. Not after you. Nothing compares- love.”

Buffy pressed her lips onto his chest then finally looked up into his eyes.

“I can’t promise that.” she said, “Because I don’t know who I’ll be tomorrow. But I know that I could never love anyone as much as I love you. You saved me Spike, even though we were enemies and you took me into your home and nursed me back to health. You’ve saved my life more times than I can remember. I wish I could remember that.”

Buffy and Spike fell into a passionate embrace, neither wanting to let go of the other.

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

Buffy began to sob softly, rocking backward and forth. Gradually her rocking became more intense and her sobs became louder and more heart wrenching.

She gulped back masses of air, trying to keep herself calm but it wasn’t working.

Spike sat back and watched her cry; it looked cruel but he was just letting her get it out. It would
be no good to crowd her now.

Eventually she had exhausted herself and she collapsed back onto her pillow, breathing in Spike’s scent.

“If I slay you,” she said, turning her tear drenched face in his direction, “After I forget. Then I’m sorry.”

Spike stared at her speechlessly.

That was what the sudden outburst had been over.

He thought for a moment about his reply, then smiled gently.

“If you slay me Buffy,” he replied, pulling her still trembling form onto his bare chest, “Then I will consider myself lucky. I will consider it one last act of mercy, straight from your heart and soul. Slayer, I would be honoured if you were the one to end my pathetic existence.”

***
Thanks again to all my reviewers!! please review- it keeps me going!!
 
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