Underneath This Smile....
by Lovesbitca37

Buffy stared blankly at the figure in the mirror. Skipping past the bags under her eyes and the frown lines around her mouth she focused on the body of the person in the mirror.

Looking at the disgusting rolls of fat and cellulite she let out a whimper, the revulsion she felt inside churning as she turned away from the mirror, reaching for her scissors.

_

“Buffy!” Dawn yelled, pushing open the door to see what was keeping her sister. Apparently, nothing was keeping her. She just hadn’t gotten her butt out of bed yet.

“I’m going to school now. OK?” She said slowly. Buffy nodded in response, feeling guilty for not getting up in time to see her off, but at the same time not caring very much.

She watched her little sister leave the room and waited until she heard the front door slam in her wake before pushing off the covers and swinging herself into a sitting position.

She winced as the shorts she had on ripped away from the cuts on her thighs. The dark crusted blood gave way to fresh red liquid that seeped through the thin material as she sat and watched.

Buffy sat and watched the blood seep into her shorts, the patch slowly growing in size until the sound of the telephone broke her trance. Answering it, she agreed to meet Giles at the Magic Box to discuss something important.

It seemed that everything they wanted nowadays was important to them. Buffy taking care of Dawn was important, Buffy eating was important, Buffy sleeping was important, Buffy breathing was important. She figured that her kiss with Spike would probably be important to them as well, but there was no way she would let that one slip.

That was her private knowledge. The one thing Buffy could control now. Spike.

_

Giles was leaving. Giles had left. Was it because of her? Was she too fat? Too ugly?  Did she come back different? Did she-

“Buffy?”

She stopped what she was doing; pulled her black sweat pants up and opened the door to Willow.

“Hey.” She greeted nervously,

“Have you finished?” Willow asked, not waiting for a reply before she stepped into the bathroom.  “I just-” and before she could finish she dissolved into tears. Buffy backed away from her friend quickly, leaving the door open as she picked up her jacket and fled to the Bronze.

No one would think to look for her there. Buffy was too mopey to go to the Bronze. Buffy should be patrolling, not having fun.

Finding a seat at the bar she snatched up a yellow napkin and began to dig her nails into it, twisting it into her palms to make it hurt. Hurt was good. Giles gone was bad.

She was still sitting there, clutching her napkin, staring straight ahead when Spike appeared. He was the last person she wanted to see. Her life was spiralling out of her control and he’d know in just one second. He’d have power over her then. Just like everyone else. She turned her head to him and looked blankly, his eyebrow rising in that way of his as he tried to read her eyes. She turned her head defiantly and willed herself not to cry, the lump in her throat getting harder to swallow as the tingly feeling she got when Spike was around gradually receded to a comfortable level.

It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time,

Those were some appropriate lyrics she thought sadly. A girl knocked past her stool, jarring Buffy’s leg and the pain of her fresh cuts pushed the melancholy thoughts from her mind. Jumping down she quickly walked in the direction Spike had gone, anticipating finding him in the alley or nearest cemetery. She was surprised when a hand reached out and roughly grabbed her, swinging her around so her back was in contact with a pillar. She blinked, her eyes almost owlish as he smirked and leant in, his lips getter closer and closer until she closed her eyes and let Spike take control.

_

Buffy awoke in a daze. There was no pain, no gentle throbbing where her flesh had met the scissors, no dizziness from underage drinking. There was nothing.

Nothing except her stomach growling to be fed. She pushed the thought of food away in disgust. She was fat. She needed this diet otherwise her friends would leave her, vamps and demons would start to get the better of her, Angel wouldn’t want her. And she wouldn’t be able to control Spike.

She focused on the night before, a smile gracing her lips, breaking out from the thin hard line her mouth usually was. She had let Spike kiss her again. The comfort she found in his cool arms, the way his lips felt like cold raw silk, his tongue chilling her heated mouth as they kissed. The smile left her face all too soon as she realised Dawn had just slammed the door, not even saying goodbye before she left for school.

At least she thought it was a school day. It might be the weekend, she didn’t really know.

Or care.

She lay in bed, her thoughts on yesterday and how good it felt to be Joan. Joan was good, a superhero with great powers. People liked Joan because she was thin. Joan was who Buffy wanted to be, and yet she knew when she stepped out of her room, she would be Buffy.

Good old reliable ‘save the day’ Buffy.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Resigning herself to that fact she slid out of bed and into the bathroom to start yet another endlessly gruelling day.

*****

Holding her stomach tightly to try to prevent it from growling at her she made her way to the Sunnydale Museum. Yet another weird day in Sunnydale, and this time there was a de-ratified Amy and a frozen man. What kind of demon froze people? Couldn’t they just eat them like every other demon in town?

The cookies she had seen Amy eating were burned into the back of her mind, the smell, the look, the taste. She’d welcomed the excuse to get out of the house at that point. Anything to stop her from eating the cookies and making idle chit-chat. At least Amy partly understood what she was going through. Being a rat for 3 years must be almost as difficult as being dead for 4 months. At least when she was a rat she was alive, and when she was brought back she wasn’t left in a dark, dank, smelly coffin. She-

“Well, well, well.” She heard a familiar accent drawl. “Look who decided to show up.”

“What are you doing here, Spike?” She demanded, the open hostility in her voice having no visible impact on his advance,
”Well, you know, a man was frozen alive in there. A little compassion, luv.”

Yeah great. She thought bitterly. Now I’m being lectured on compassion by the evil soulless bloodsucker. Could my life get any greater?

“Uh, you know, as long as we're both here, you might as well tag along. I mean, as a team we could-”

Here we go again, Buffy shuddered. I come out to escape the cookies and get hounded by another guilty secret.

“That never really ends well does it Spike?” She shot back with as much spite as she could muster. Turning away from him so there was no chance of Spike glimpsing the vulnerability she knew was glistening in her eyes she set off around the side of the museum. 

“It did the other night!” Spike called hopefully,

“It was just a kiss Spike.” Buffy countered. “Doesn’t mean a thing.”

“Awfully quick to dismiss them though aren’t we Slayer?” He taunted, his voice floating to her, taunting her senses and goading her into turning around.

“FYI, I wasn’t even thinking about you when we kissed.” She told him calmly. She had to keep her face completely impassive or he’d know something was up. Something that she would never allow because then he’d see how weak she was. How pathetic and stupid Buffy the Vampire Slayer really was.

“It was my name you were moaning Slayer, bet I could make you scre-”

“Stop!” She ordered, her leg giving way over a lump in the grass and nearly collapsing on her butt.

Cursing herself for being stupid and fat, she leant nonchalantly against the museum wall, her face masked in dark shadows as she felt for open cuts. Satisfied that there were none she pushed herself away before Spike could pin her in. Not giving him the chance he wanted was just how she wanted it. She could come to him when she wanted, she could control how and when. She liked this kind of control.

Seeing the Slayer stumble over nothing made Spike lurch forward, his desire to protect her overwhelming his basic instinct that was screaming at him to stand back and laugh at her. Seeing her right herself and lean back against the brickwork only made him more suspicious. The old Buffy would have threatened him and stalked off if he’d seen a moment of weakness, but she seemed to be resigned to the fact that she wasn’t as good as she used to be. Staring at her face through the darkness he scowled. What the bloody hell was wrong with the bint?

Buffy, growing tired of walking, her unfed body refusing to work as well as usual, ducked in through an open window to snoop around and have a quick rest. Seeing her chance to get to the crime scene while Sunnydale’s finest worked on keeping the crowd at bay at the front entrance, she vaulted the barrier, her knees protesting as she landed, she snuck out of sight and into the room where the diamond was stolen from and began to investigate for usual signs of a demon break in. Smashed cabinets, slime trails and dents in the wall were usually a good start.

Spike made his way to Willy’s, muttering under his non-existent breath all the way. There was definitely something off about the Slayer, she wasn’t completely right since she’d been back but instead of getting better, she was getting worse.

Sitting in the bar, his bottle of whisky helping him to come up with a variety of ludicrous things that could be affecting the Slayer he almost laughed himself sober. Something was up and there was no way he could let it continue to get worse.

 -

Sitting around the dining table in Xander and Anya’s apartment, Willow looked anywhere but at the bickering couple in front of her. She was bored of watching her best friend argue with his fiancée, she was bored of Anya full stop. Anya was just someone you keep around for entertainment purposes in her mind. Turning her head to see if she could see the TV screen from where she was sat she sighed in disappointment, that was a bust. Her mind began to wander, tuning out the background noise of the TV and Xander and Anya, the last time she had been here, Tara was with her. They had seemed happy and couple-y, or so she had thought until she was confronted by Tara about being a better witch than her. She was just jealous of her new found, powerful magic. Smiling she turned back to her friend,

“Uh, hello?” She interrupted the arguing couple, “Are we going to discuss Buffy or are we going to argue about whose fault it all is?”

*****

Slinking in the door Spike cleared his throat completely unnecessarily. Her face blanching Buffy backed away from the chair she had been about to sit in. Xander and Anya had left for the night and she had realised that leaving her house keys in here wasn’t a good idea so had come back to get them.

Finding her keys on the table, she had begun to doodle on her notepad, sketches of angels, demons, blood, guts, death and dismemberment littered the pages and she quickly slammed it shut, not wanting Spike to have anymore insight into her turbulent emotions.

“What now?” She demanded, this was all she needed, all she wanted to do as go home and crawl into bed.

“Thought you might want to patrol.” Spike shrugged. He knew there was something off and he was going to get to the bottom of it. Not waiting for an answer, he held open the door, looking at her expectantly. Sighing, she rose from her seat and followed him down the street. Listening as he talked, mostly to himself.

“That’s it Spike!” Buffy shrieked, her pent up rage getting the best of her. Spike had been taunting her all night, making snappy comments and lewd remarks about anything and everything. Stopping she whirled around to face him, “Can you just shut up and go home?”

“What’s wrong Slayer?” He asked, his snarky tone gone, instantly replaced with concern. “You can tell me, S’not like I’m gonna tell anyone is it?” His only answer was a particularly powerful right hook that knocked him to the floor.

Slipping in the front door, Buffy was faced with letting Dawn and Willow know she was alright, or ducking straight up to bed and avoiding the confrontation she knew was inevitable.

Climbing the stairs she felt the familiar twinges of guilt. Changing her course she headed for the bathroom, locking the door behind her as she got out her scissors.

Hearing the door open, Dawn finished making her sandwich and wandered through the house, expecting to find Buffy or Willow. Seeing nobody, she took herself back to bed, the silence of the house making her wish she hadn’t let Tara go home after their evening out.

Waking up to a strange sensation, Buffy gingerly felt for whatever was causing the wet patch in her bed. Pulling her hand out from under the covers she was sickened by what she saw. The damage she had inflicted upon herself had obviously been more than her Slayer healing could handle for the bleeding that she had assumed would stop as normal had carried on, dripping crimson onto her pale sheets throughout the early hours of the morning.

Deciding that it was too much effort to get up and change the sheets at four am, she slipped a pair of sweats on and scrambled out the window. Hitting the ground below, she looked around. Where could she go? All the sensible demons were just going to bed at this time, so a patrol would be useless. Besides, she had already patrolled with Spike.

That’s it! Her brain crowed, Spike would never turn me away. Spike wouldn’t even ask what was wrong.

Spike was asleep in his lower crypt when the scent of Slayer blood wafted through his senses. Jumping up he was surprised to see Buffy standing at the foot of his bed. The scent of her blood was so powerful, his sleep hazed mind had half expected her to be crawling in pain. She looked suspiciously well and he voiced this thought earning him an evil glare.

“I need to borrow your bed.” She stated simply as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Spike frowned at her,

“You need to borrow my bed?” He repeated slowly. “To do what?”

Scowling, she ducked her head, staring at the floor as she mumbled something he nearly didn’t catch.

“You want to sleep in my bed?” Spike was dumbfounded. The Slayer, was here, asking to sleep in his bed. Her heavenly smell would linger for weeks after this. Smell. Her blood, why was she here now?

“Some nasty take a bite?” He asked casually, sniffing the air for her to understand. She flushed, her cheeks tinged crimson as she smiled in almost an apologetic way.

“Just a scratch. So can I?”

Keeping his face impassive, Spike gestured to the bed, watching in delight as she crawled up in. His dick ached from the sight and the smell of Buffy Summers crawling up his bed. Telling himself that it was probably a hallucination from all the whisky he had consumed just hours before he perched on the end of the bed, just watching as her eyes floated shut, the lines on her face dissolving leaving behind a vulnerable looking girl.

Spike sat on the end of his bed for what seemed like hours, just watching and studying the defenceless girl in his  bed. All she had been wearing was sweats and an oversized shirt. Looking at the goose pimples that dotted her flesh he sighed. Crawling up the bed to be closer to her, Spike pulled the covers up over her shoulders, his arm protectively covering her as he spooned into her back.

This was it. He had died and gone to heaven without realising it.

*****

Spike turned in his sleep, his arm still wrapped around the Slayer but something was wrong. Forcing himself to calm down, he realised that she was struggling to breathe. Shaking her arm urgently, he panicked when she remained unconscious.

Sitting up and pulling her limp form into his lap he pursed her lips with his fingers, the pale purple mottle of her skin scaring him more than anything had ever done in over a century.

Taking a mouthful of air, he held it in his mouth, fixing his lips on hers and expelling the air with as much force as possible. He knew not breathing would come back to kick him in the arse one day, he just didn’t realise how desperate he’d be at that time. Repeating the action he was rewarded by the object of his love choking on the excess air, her body responding by kick-starting her breathing mechanism. Coughing was a good sign in Spike’s book and he hugged her close to him, inhaling her unique scent before she was strong enough to protest or push him away.

All too soon, her eyes opened and her breathing regulated, her skin slowly regaining its unhealthy pale tone. Not realising when her skin had lost it's golden shine and gotten so pale, he berated himself for not noticing this seemingly insignificant thing.

Opening her eyes to see Spike staring back at her was a shock to Buffy. Not knowing how she came to be lying in his arms, she pulled away from his, her eyes flashing with disgust.

She sat up, surveying her surroundings. Seeing that she was in his crypt, the memories of how she came to be there flickering through the haze and she frowned, tenderly pressing on the fresh cuts that littered her thighs.

Inspecting her legs, Spike realised where the blood had been seeping from all night, keeping him from proper sleep with its siren’s call.

Stupid fucking girl had been slitting herself open.

“What the fuck did you do?” His voice was low and dangerous. Shivering at his deadly tone, she froze, knowing that he knew was something Buffy had never even bothered to think about. This was her own personal escape, how dare he know?

He lashed out, grabbing her arms and holding them as tight as he could. Seeing her wince in pain he realised that he could hurt her. Squeezing to test this theory he was rewarded with a whimper from the Slayer. Deciding to keep this vital titbit for himself, he repeated his question.

“What do you think?” She answered, unwilling to play along while he was hurting her. Assuming that the chip didn’t register that he was hurting her because he was only holding her, Buffy struggled to get away, watching to see his reaction when he realised the pain he was causing.

Not even a blink so much as graced his features as he held her forcefully upright.

“I cut me.” She whispered, her voice catching in her sore throat. “I cut me and watch me bleed. Is that what you want to hear? How completely fucked up this Slayer is? How close to death she comes each night in the comfort of her own home? How desperately she clings to the edge, hoping something will come along and push her off? Do you? Do-”

Cutting her off with his lips, Spike kept his kiss brutal yet chaste, his tongue never straying from its prison inside his mouth as his lips bruised hers.

Feeling Spike’s lips pressed against hers, the tears welling in her eyes and the lump rising in her throat were stopped in their tracks. This wasn’t about passion or love, this was about need.

Buffy needed the release, Spike needed Buffy. That about summed it up in their heads before they began ripping at clothes and clawing at bodies in a desperate attempt to escape reality.

*****

Waking up to find the house still empty, Dawn began to panic. Buffy wasn’t at all caring these days, since she had been… gone, but she always made a point to be home for Dawn at night though. And thinking about it, where the hell was Willow?

Calling Xander was the first thing she did, not caring about Anya’s comments in the background about what time it was. Like she cared if it was still seven in the morning, her sister was missing. She could be lying somewhere in a ditch! Maybe dead in the graveyard? Or someone might have turned her? Or kidnapped her? Or-

“Hey.” Willow said, strolling through the door with someone following her. “Oh,” She muttered, looking at Dawn’s puzzled face, “Amy, this is Dawn, Dawn, Amy? The rat?” She looked apologetically at the former rat, who smiled in return.

“You turned Amy back?” Dawn asked, dropping the phone onto the counter, “When?”

“Last night.” The red-haired witch told her proudly, “I just knew I could do it and I did!”

“Great.” Dawn replied coldly, pissed off that Willow had been out hbaving fun while she was home alone, worrying about her and, “Buffy! Is she with you?”

Seeing Willow frown, her worry returned tenfold. Where the hell could Buffy be?

Letting himself in the back door, Xander looked at the group assembled in the kitchen, nodding to Amy he addressed Dawn, ignoring Willow for reasons unknown to Dawn.

“She’s not in the graveyards.” He told her, “Maybe she went out for something?”

“From where?” Dawn asked, “China?”

“Let’s just go and search.” Anya appeared from behind her fiancée, holding the backdoor open for everyone to file out, she threw a dirty glare in Willow’s direction, leaving the door for her to open herself after Dawn and Xander had walked through.

Catching the door before it slammed, Willow ushered Amy through, puzzled by the cold behaviour exhibited by her friends. Shrugging it off as the buzz of magic made her shiver when the cold air outside raced up her spine, she followed her friends as they set off to scour the graveyards for Buffy.

An hour later, the silent group made their way back through the door to the Summers kitchen, Dawn holding in the tears of grief, the fact that they had no proof was the only hope she was desperately clinging to that her sister wasn’t dead. Again.

“Hey guys.” Buffy greeted them, a false smile plastered across her face. “What’s up?”

She was instantly surrounded by everyone trying to hug and touch her at the same time. Pulling away in a panic, she calmed herself, the overwhelming urge to run being squashed by the tears on Dawn’s face.

“Bitch.” Dawn whispered venomously, the tears of sorrow quickly turning to tears of rage. Buffy had been gone all night and half of the day and she didn’t even consider that people would be worried about her. Since she had returned from, being… gone, she hadn’t cared about her, about her friends or even about herself. She was sick and tired of taking care of herself and now Tara had moved out it was plain to see that nobody else was going to look after the orphaned teen. She was just going to have to look after herself.

Seeing Dawn’s anger plainly written on her face, Xander pulled Anya away from the group, calling out that they needed to go to work as they left.

Taking Xander’s cue, Willow made her excuses to deaf ears and made her way up to bed, the magical burnout from the night was kicking in and she had never ever felt this drained in her life.  Stretching her hand out and muttering and incantation, she was dismayed when she realised that she didn’t even have enough magical energy left in her body to close the curtains. Getting up slowly and doing it manually, she returned to bed even more tired than she could ever remember being.

Standing up slowly, Buffy winced as her skin stretched, the soreness between her legs coupled with the bandages that Spike had wrapped around the slits on her thighs was almost too much for her body to bear in its current state. She had been contemplating what to eat when everyone had burst in on her.

Dawn watched as her big sister went about getting herself something to eat. Seeing her pull a low fat yoghurt out of the fridge she made a mental note to pick up full fat ones next time they went shopping. Her sister, the one that the world relied on to stop every apocalypse that came their way was looking more and more frail everyday. She was barely eating, and when she was it was something completely useless like low fat yoghurts or rice cakes.

Her idol, her best friend, her big sister was wasting away under her eyes and she had been too busy wondering why no one was taking care of her to worry about Buffy.

Putting the kettle on and preparing two steaming mugs of hot chocolate Dawn sat down waiting for Buffy to talk.

“So?” Dawn prompted, “Where were you last night?”

“I, um. I went patrolling.”

“Right.” Dawn nodded, “Major monster wrestling?”

Gulping, Buffy went along with the story. Anything to keep it her secret. She nodded, saying something about being tired. Seeing Dawn’s face close up in resignation, Buffy took that as a sign that the conversation was over. She knew she should be feeling something. Probably guilt, over the way she was treating her friends and especially her sister, but she just couldn’t bring herself to care. Not after how alive Spike had made her feel.

And now all she felt was dead.

*****

Standing under the tree in the Summers' front yard, Spike lit up yet another cigarette and inhaled deeply, the warm air in his lungs a bitter reminder of his undead status. 

Blowing out the smoke angrily he continued to stare up at the Slayer’s room. The light was on and he knew she was awake. If she was cutting herself again he would kill her. Stupid bint had sliced open a vein during her last stint and tried to pass it off as just a scratch.

A bloody scratch.

He shook his head, trying to shake out the memories of their last meeting. He still had the marks across his chest, the scratches from her nails, the bruises from her teeth, her lips, her vicious mouth.

Not that he wanted to forget it, he simply wanted to change it.

To change her, to make her Buffy again.

Buffy watched from the bathroom window as Spike stood impossibly still under the old tree in the yard. 

She knew he was there, she knew he knew that she knew. God, Dawn and Willow would probably know too if he didn’t quit stalking her.

It wasn’t as though they were in a relationship, or even as if she even liked him.

Buffy knew that she had used him for sex. For pleasure.

However disgusting and depraved her friends may find it, it was a good thing in her eyes. She could control exactly when, where and how things happened and there was nothing he could do or say to change it, because for once in her miserable existence, Buffy was in control.

And he certainly knew how to make her forget all her problems.

He even made her legs forget how to work.

Having slept all day, and most of the evening, Buffy found herself wandering around her bedroom and bathroom.

The excess energy she had needed to be burnt off, and with Spike waiting under the tree, it was just too easy.

She wouldn't go to him when he was waiting, she would go when it suited her.

She wanted to go out and patrol, but couldn’t be bothered to dress herself and make the effort. And besides, if she went out, she would have to face Spike. Facing Spike would probably lead to more sex, and that wasn't what she wanted right now.

She wanted pain and Spike knew it.

He knew her dirty little secret.

He knew that she cut herself, hell; he’d probably have read half a dozen self-help books today just to try and help her. She didn’t need help, nor did she want it.

She was perfectly in control of what she was doing. She was just punishing herself, the way others couldn’t.

Her friends, her family, her lovers, they all left her. Each one with a different reason as to why Buffy wasn’t good enough for them to stick around.

Why Buffy wasn’t good enough as a daughter, a girlfriend, a slayer, a friend, a sister, a person.

But this, this was her own punishment.

She could control every single thing about it. And that was why she was now sitting in her bathroom, a pair of scissors jutting from her inner thigh while blood seeped onto the black shirt underneath her, her face strangely serene as her thoughts, worries and cares were chased away by the exquisite beauty of her punishment.

Smelling her blood in the air, Spike knew it must be a deep cut to have produced this much blood. Climbing up the tree and making his way across the roof ledge to her room, Spike climbed inside, pushing open the bathroom door.

“What the fuck have you done?” He growled in her ear, knowing Nibblet and the Wicca were asleep in the house.

Taking charge of the situation when she refused to respond, he snapped the scissors in half, throwing them out the open window and using the blood soaked black shirt to bind the open wound.

Seeing the calm mask fade from her face, slowly replaced by slow and sleepy panic, Spike picked Buffy up in his arms, taking her to her bed and tucking her in.

Once the covers were pulled up to her chin, he perched beside her, his hand holding her down and tenderly stroking the hard lines of her face until they relaxed, once again leaving behind a beautiful yet vulnerable looking girl.

Not wanting to repeat the mistakes he made last time, Spike stayed awake all night, not wanting to leave her side for any reason.

When the orange hues of sunrise began to creep through the window, Spike reluctantly left the bed, pulling the heavy curtains across the window, guarding him from the harmful rays as he once again made himself comfortable at her side.

Peeking her head around her sister’s door, Dawn was shocked to see a platinum head resting beside Buffy’s.

Shutting the door as silently as she had opened it, the teen pumped her fist into the air, not wanting to wake anybody else with her excitement. Practically skipping down the stairs, Dawn sang to herself as she prepared her breakfast, making sure she had all of her schoolbooks in her bag before she left.

She was going to work hard this quarter, get good grades, make Buffy happy, make Giles proud of her, make Spike help her.

She shrugged as she made her way round the block to Janice’s house. If her sister was using him as a pillow, then what was wrong with Dawn using him as a tutor?

-

Waking up when the growling in her stomach became to intense to ignore, Buffy was astounded to find Spike’s head next to hers on her pillow. Lying and watching his dead body was fascinating to Buffy.

Was that what she looked like when she was dead? Was she pale and unmoving while life went on without her? Did her skin wrinkle or dry out like on those gross documentaries?

Pushing herself away from him, she sat up, her fingers tenderly pressing on the scabbed wounds on her leg. She frowned at them, counting them trying to remember when she had done the last eight.

She remembered sitting in the bathroom, watching Spike out of the window as he smoked under the tree, she had picked up the scissors, and reopened an old wound, watching the blood seep out of her, her life force dripping away, she definitely didn’t remember cutting a chunk of flesh out of her leg, or carving herself up.

“Spike.” She shoved him as hard as she could.

Apparently, being thrown off the bed was a good way to wake up a vampire because he was on his feet before he even hit the ground, his reflexes almost feline as he looked around.

“What the fuck was that for?” He demanded, his head tilting towards her as he leant against the wall, a safe distance away from her volatile temper.

“What happened last night?” She bit out, her bottom lip sucked into her mouth as she silently pleaded to whoever was listening that they hadn’t done anything.

“I saved your fuckin’ life.” Spike growled, the scent of her blood assailing him, “Again.”

He stalked over to her, pulling up the oversized shirt she was wearing to see the drop of blood run down her leg, over her knee towards the ground. Wiping it away with his finger he stuck the finger into his mouth and sucked it clean.

“If you don’t want this sweet ambrosia, then don’t even think about wasting it,” he silenced her with a wave of his hand, “You come to me, I’ll make sure it hurts.” And with that he was gone, her door swinging in his absence as he sought refuge in her basement.

*****

Going down the stairs, Buffy winced at every step. She really needed to eat something more substantial. Taking an apple and a bottle of water, she shut the basement door, which someone had left ajar, Dawn probably, and made her way to the sofa, switching on the television and flicking though the channels.

The doorbell interrupted Buffy as she watched some lame chat show. Setting her water on the coffee table, she made her way to the door. No one ever rang the bell at this house. Peering through the small windows, Buffy was surprised to see a strange middle aged woman peering back. Opening the door, Buffy put on her best smile.

“Hello?” She greeted cautiously. The woman didn’t smile back. Shaking the hand offered to her, Buffy allowed the woman to introduce herself as Mrs Kroger. When the woman looked appalled that she didn’t recognise her, she handed her a folder with Department of Child Welfare stamped on it. Blanching, Buffy leant back against the door, fighting a wave of nausea. This was a social worker.

“Miss Summers.” The social worker greeted making no effort to disguise the hostility in her voice.

“Come in.” Buffy invited, determined not to mess this up. Dawn was one thing she was determined not to lose.

Gesturing at the sofa, Buffy was ignored while Mrs Kroger snooped at all the photographs and statues in the room. Her offers of tea and coffee being declined, Buffy sat upright on the chair, watching while Mrs Kroger leafed through her briefcase to the right papers. Pulling out another file, she opened it up and perched it on her lap. Pushing her glasses up her nose she frowned.

“Do you live here alone?”

“Yeah, yes.” Buffy corrected herself quickly. “Me and Dawn.”

She had just closed her mouth when a door slammed and Spike came strolling through the house towards her.

“Seen my lighter pet?” He called, stepping into the living room. Stopping to frown at the strange woman, Spike noticed Buffy trying to shoo him with her eyes.

“Your boyfriend I presume?” Mrs Kroger’s voice was almost gleeful.

“No. No, he’s just a close friend who stops by to make sure we’re ok.” Buffy lied, She turned to Spike with a sickly sweet voice, “And we are, so thanks for stopping by.”

Taking the hint, Spike went back to the basement, sticking his fingers up at the Slayer when he was out of sight and snatching up a box of matches from beside the cooker as he went.

Buffy heaved a sigh of relief when she heard a door shut behind him, only to be startled again when Willow came jogging down the stairs, tossing a cheery hello over her shoulder as she left via the front door.

“And that was?” Mrs Kroger asked in a sugary sweet voice.

“Another friend?” Buffy voice was small, apologetic. “She stays over sometimes, helps with Dawn’s homework.”

“Can you not help with Dawn’s homework?”

“I do my best, but Willow had like a 10.0gpa. She also helps with- erm, why don’t we talk about Dawn?” Mrs Kroger nodded smartly, writing something down on her folder while she fired question after question.

-

Spike sat on the washing machine, the rumbling not troubling him as he listened to what was being said upstairs. Stupid bitch needed a fuckin’ railroad spike jammed through her head if she thought taking Nibblet away was gonna solve all the problems. Buffy would probably go catatonic again, and that’s all they needed with these fucking stupid pranks someone was playing on the Slayer.

Testing her and all that shit, what a load of bollocks that was. It was probably some stupid gits with nothing better to do than mess with his Slayer.

Hearing the old cow leave, Spike stomped up the stairs, catching Buffy in his arms as she leant backwards. Shoving him away from her she busied herself, straightening the room.

Watching her fool herself, Spike became more and more pissed off by the second. What was she? The bloody bot? Walking around stiff as her fuckin’ Watcher while she primped and preened while underneath he knew she couldn’t feel a thing. She had come back different and there was no way she could ever emerge from whatever the hell she was going through unchanged.

*****

Dawn skipped up the steps and into the house, a song in her heart. Instead of being greeted by her teenage fantasy played out in colour before her eyes, the house was empty as usual, the only sign of Buffy was the clumps of long blonde hair that littered the floor.

Wait, why the hell would Buffy be without her hair?

She wouldn't even let Dawn play with her hair when they were kids so whatever had happened to Buffy to have that much hair on the floor was probably really, really bad.

This question was answered as Buffy opened the door and almost walked right into Dawn. Looking up at her little sister, she appeared almost shy as she ran a hand through her shorn locks. Buffy had chopped her hair right up to her chin, little wispy bits framed her painfully gaunt face and the colour held a certain amount of shine and bounce that had been missing since her return.

Maybe this was just what she needed, some time to herself to get pampered and to look good Dawn thought, relief that her sister was alright flooding through her.

“Looks great.” She told her sincerely, a smile on her face as she reached over to hug her big sister. The hurt on her face was almost too much for Buffy to bear when she tried to pull back before Dawn could hug her. Giving in and allowing herself a moment of comfort, she pushed down the guilt and hugged back, a single tear making its way down Dawn’s face.

Making his way out the basement, Spike was greeted with something he had only dreamed about for well over a year. Buffy was facing him, her eyes closed, a look of contentment on her face and her arms were around Dawn, her thin fingers holding on to the fabric of Dawn’s jacket as if her life depended on how tight she held.

Or not, seeing as Spike knew damn well that Buffy wanted anything but to live. Her every move made it painfully obvious to him just how desperate she was to get back to heaven. If it wasn't such a sin to commit suicide, the Slayer would probably have tried it, just to get back to Heaven.

Slipping back into the basement, he eased the door shut behind him not wanting to disturb their moment of bonding or whatever they were doing. He would ask her about her haircut later.

Hearing the click of the basement door behind her, Buffy tensed, allowing herself to pull away from Dawn and turning to investigate.

“Spike?” She called, turning the handle forcefully, only to find it had snapped off in her hand. Discarding the handle on the counter, she pulled out the pin that used to hold the handle in place and opened the door, being bowled over by Spike as he made his way out.

Righting the Slayer, Spike blew a mouthful of stale smoke at her just to piss her off before covering himself with a blanket he had found in the basement and sauntering out the back door.

No reason for him to stick around now that she was all pally with little sis now was there? Let the monster hold her all night and throw him away come daylight. Just a bit of cold comfort from the demon she claimed to despise.

They would never be able to fully immerse themselves in each other’s world. No matter how hard he tried he wouldn't fit in her world, nor she in his, nothing short of saving her from herself would be good enough.

She was a fallen angel, he could practically see her wings when he caught her in a rare moment of peace. When she looked at peace with herself, it was like staring at the sun. A blindingly beautiful wonder, something he would never forget, as long as he lived.

Staring at the kitchen door, Dawn wondered what the hell Buffy had done to upset Spike while she had been at school.

Surely sleeping together, even if it wasn't in the sexual sense-- which she was pretty sure it was-- meant that they had overcome their differences and were trying to start a something, maybe even a relationship.

Watching Buffy lock the door behind him, running her hands through her short hair, Dawn kept silent, slipping away to write in her journal. Writing things down often made you see them in a different light, and maybe that's all she needed. To see how Buffy and Spike needed help so she could push them both in the right direction.

Turning to see that Dawn had left, Buffy sank down on to a stool in relief.

Her legs were throbbing like they had been sat on by an eight-hundred pound Chirago demon and her head was just as bad.

Swallowing some painkillers with the last of her water, she wandered back into the lounge, settling herself on the sofa with the remote in her hand, watching one black and white romantic film after another until she fell asleep.

*****

Awaking on the cold hard concrete floor of the upstairs of his crypt, Spike sat up, the empty bottle of Jack rolling off his chest with a hollow clatter. Wiping at his eyes he frowned. He certainly didn't remember getting from Willie's to here.

Standing up and stretching, he noticed the familiar smell lingering in the air. Sometime during the afternoon, the Slayer had been in his crypt.

That almost certainly solved the question of how did he get from Willie’s. Peering out of the door, he figured the sun must have set in the last few minutes, the rosy glow of the sky fading into darkness as he watched that familiar figure come strolling his way.

Seeing Spike standing at the entrance to his crypt, Buffy slowed her pace, wanting to get to Spike, but not wanting to appear eager. After finding him snoozing in a corner up against the bar she had dragged him back to his crypt and dumped him on the floor, the idea that had settled in her head when she set off to find him had niggled its way into her conscience and she found herself doubting it from every angle.

No matter how she thought of it, letting a master vampire bite her wouldn't be a very Slayer-like thing to do.

So she had dumped him in his crypt and fled, only working up the courage to return after she had remembered how good he promised to make it feel.

"Evenin' pet." Spike drawled as she drew nearer. Sensing her hesitancy, he smiled sincerely as she returned his greeting, passing him her axe and pointing to a demon to the side of his crypt.

Standing back and watching Spike deal with the Flrarosks demon, she pushed out all the negative thoughts of what she wanted to happen and focused on what Spike had promised her.

He wouldn't lie to her and he would never back down on a promise. He loved her and that was that. He had promised to make it hurt and that was all she was interested in.

"All done." He practically skipped back to his crypt, leaving the door open behind him for her to follow him inside."What brings you 'round?" He asked curiously, surely he had done something to merit a personal visit from Buffy.

"I- um." She smiled,"Got anything to drink?"

Producing a half full bottle of whisky from under a rug, he proceeded to make comfy seats for the either side of the bottle, putting two shot glasses out and indicating where to sit.

"So pet? Care to share?"

Knocking back the whisky that had filled her glass she shook her head, trying to shake away the sweet burning in her throat.

"Would you make it hurt?" She whispered, almost making him choke on his own drink. Setting down his glass, he tilted his head, looking intently at the blonde in front of him, almost as if he was trying to figure out if she was the bot or not.

Seeing a scarlet blush race across her cheeks, he kept his face neutral, trying to figure out how the hell he was going to get out of something he said in a bout of rage.

He wouldn't hurt Buffy for all the world, she was everything to him and there was no way he would bite her and turn her. She would never forgive him, Dawn would never forgive him and quite surprisingly, he would never forgive himself.

How could one justify unleashing the terror of his kind on such an innocent life, someone who had been sworn to eradicate the earth of his kind would not be very forgiving when they awoke as one, no matter how desperately she may cling to the notion of death.

Her soul would never return to heaven if he were to take his life as she were asking him to. Stupid nancyboy William would never let him anyway.

"Spike?" Buffy whispered, helping herself to more false courage,"Please?"

"I can't." He whispered, dropping his eyes to his hands, poetry running through his mind to identify with the myriad of emotions racing through him.

"Please?" She begged,"Just take a little."

"A little?" He cocked his head to the side, lifting his eyes to meet hers,"You don't want me to..."

"No!" She swallowed her fear and shook away the sweet burn in her throat."Just a small bite."

Now this was something Spike could do, without having to think about what William would think. He would just be doing as he was told, not really a new concept for someone to in love with the slayer.

Holding out his arms, he shifted to his burgeoning erection as she slipped across the sarcophagus and into his waiting arms, the rug he had provided wrapped around her legs as she leaned into his surprisingly warm embrace.

Waiting until she had made herself comfortable in his lap, he began to slowly nuzzle and kiss her neck, murmuring soft words of comfort as his lips skated across the taut and unblemished side of her neck savouring every possible memory of her skin. The feel, the smell, the intoxicating blood pumping beneath.

Knowing that unless he wanted a stake in the heart from Buffy, Xander and whoever else was probably lined up to kill him for daring to touch her, he would need to bite lower than the neck, he slid down the large cowl neck of her cream pullover and before she could change her mind, he slid his fangs effortlessly into her shoulder.

Feeling a sharp prick, she tightened her grip on the rug in her lap, assuming that his fangs must have pierced her skin but strangely enough, couldn't bring herself to care. She felt warm and she felt loved, but better than any of that. She felt free.

Free from mortal constraints and daily worries, free from guilt and shame. She was floating in the soft embrace of William the Bloody, renowned Slayer killer and she felt better than she had since being called as the Slayer.

She almost felt as if she was back in heaven, her eyes had drifted shut the moment his fangs pierced her skin and as he felt her grow accustomed to the intrusion, he sucked hard, the pull on the wound an exquisite pain compared to the pain she had experienced at her own hands. She didn't only feel free, she felt as if the world was slipping away beneath her and for once, there was no one to judge her.

*****

Willow watched out of the window as Buffy sneaked up the garden path, coming from the direction of Spike's graveyard seeing as she was entering from the back of the house.

Willow knew that Buffy was spending a lot of her time with Spike since she had returned. It made sense really, he was the only person she knew that had experienced death, and for a corpse, he was surprisingly lively when he wanted to be.

Xander was always with Anya, and she herself had better things to do than sit around and wait for Buffy to cheer up and get back to normal, and now that  Amy was around, it was much better to be doing magic with someone more her level.

Not that she didn't miss Tara, she just didn't miss being criticised for being better than everyone else.

Hearing the door shut as Buffy went straight to bed, Willow pulled back the curtains, slipping out the front door as silently as she could and making her way downtown to see Rack without having Amy tag along and steal half of the borrowed power.

Lying in her bed, Buffy left the covers pooled around her feet, knowing that no one would bother her in her room. No one really bothered her anymore.

She lay awake for what seemed like endless hours hearing Spike’s parting words floating around in her mind;

“Love the haircut, Goldilocks”

Tenderly feeling the twin scabs on her neck, rubbing her fingers over them, which somehow made her womb tingle in anticipation. It was like getting horny in an instant. Re-arranging her panties she continued to caress her own neck, remembering how it felt when he bit her.

Even the way he licked it closed after he was done was sensual.

It was practically foreplay in its own right.

Feeling the wounds drew her thoughts away from what she was doing to herself. She had started of cutting herself because she was fat and ugly and stupid. Now she was giving that power to Spike, allowing him to hurt her because she was fat and ugly and stupid.

How did she give that power to Spike? The one person that she honestly felt wouldn't judge her, wouldn't attempt to control her and now she had given him that control.

He controlled how much she hurt, how often she could escape her life. That simply wasn't good enough. She would have to take back that power, to make it so that Spike was once again, a pawn in her hands, something for her to control and to judge like everyone did to her.

It wasn't all about the pain, or even about hurting herself to actually feel something for a change.

It was about taking control of her life.

Being in charge of something that she could not only control, but she could also keep to herself.

Something that she didn't have to share with anyone else. Willow, Xander, not even Dawn needed to know.

Knocking on Buffy's door, Dawn pushed it open slowly, half hoping to find Buffy and Spike in bed. Disappointed to see her sister alone, she called her name repeatedly.

Sitting down on the edge of the bed she picked up Buffy's hand, holding it in her own, marvelling at the size of her hand in comparison to her own. Either she was growing at a rapid pace, or Buffy was actually shrinking.

"Buffy?" She called softly, pushing a lock of hair away from her face,"Wake up."

"Dawn?" Buffy murmured groggily, opening her eyes and squinting at her little sister.

"We're out of food. You need to go shopping." Dawn smiled, her face looking tired and old."Today."

"M- kay." Buffy muttered, sitting up and pulling up the covers. She smiled sincerely at Dawn, a strange feeling blossoming inside her. Impulsively hugging her, Dawn swallowed her tears and pulled away. Trying hard to keep her smile, she walked away, grabbing her school bag from the stairs and closing the door quietly behind her.

Taking the initiative to get up out of bed, Buffy was left marvelling at the amount of energy she seemed to have. Remembering a time when getting up in the morning was easy she smiled, having her mom around would simple things up so much. She knew that there was no way she could ever have that old life back, she didn’t really want her old life.

That was what her friends were trying to do now, trying so hard to put her back into that old life, the one where death was something that was so far in the future it didn’t bear thinking about.

Buffy didn’t fit in that box anymore and after what she had experienced with Spike she didn’t think she ever wanted to go back to being that person.

Souls had no bearing on a person or their choices, government chips had just as much effect. Spike had shown her just how good life could be if she let go of what she had ever known and had a little faith. Thinking of Faith made her smile, she would have loved to see Buffy give over to the dark side, sleeping with unsouled and somewhat dangerous vampires just to feel good

about herself.

Making a note to write to her sister Slayer, Buffy headed to the shower, humming a tune as she went, feeling better than she had in years.

All it took to feel good was sex and bites with Spike. Who’da thunk it?

Certainly not her or her friends she thought with a smile, pulling the shower curtain across her and turning away from a pair of scissors she spied on the side.

This is for bittenandstaked, she inspired me to get it written and post it. Hope you like!

*****

 Sitting in the dark in front of the television, Willow frowned at the amount of people that kept interrupting her, first Xander stopped by checking up on Dawn and Buffy, then Dawn left and Buffy came dancing through, a smile on her face for the first time since she had been brought back. Maybe Spike helping her readjust to life was a good thing? She was interrupted again by Anya calling when she was thinking about Buffy, but try as she might, thinking about anything but the upcoming wedding and bridesmaid dress discussions made her forget all about Buffy and her life and death depression.

Taking over the sofa while Willow was on the phone, Buffy managed to write a few lines to Faith without sounding stupid. Putting down her pad and pen she continued with the chores her mom used to do. Putting the freshly washed clothes in the dryer she made her way back upstairs using a fresh piece of paper to make a shopping list, including things she thought she could afford to treat Dawn.

Leaving the list on the side for Willow to add to, she tidied up the house as she went, getting ready to go shopping.

Picking up the shopping list she looked in horror at the items Willow had added before going to class. How the hell was she expected to afford all those things? She really needed a job. Or maybe Willow needed to start paying her way.

Opening the door to see Buffy up and about, the house looking the cleanest it had since Tara had left and the smell of freshly baked cookies in the air, Dawn found herself grinning like a madman.

“Buffy?”

“In here.” Buffy’s voice floated out of the kitchen, following her voice Dawn watched as she scooped the last of the cookies off the baking tray and onto a plate. Pinching one she sat down opposite her sister,

“You go shopping?” She asked, taking a bite of her hot cookie. Seeing Buffy shake her head in the negative she frowned, crumbs falling from her mouth as she tried to talk, “Why not?” She managed around her mouthful.

“No money.” Buffy said quietly, not wanting her sister to be worried about finances and household problems. Lifting her head up she smiled, “We’ll manage, I’ll get a job doing something.”

“I could get a job too!” Dawn said excitedly, “Get double the money.” She smiled widely, “And besides; I’ve got dad’s credit card if we need it.”

Choking on her cookie, Buffy’s eyes widened in disbelief,

“Dad’s credit card?”

Nodding, Dawn dug through her bag and pulled out her battered old Hello Kitty purse. Flipping it open she crowed triumphantly, pulling a shiny looking card out from behind her movie rental card. Handing it over she dropped her purse back into her bag and took Buffy’s hand in her own,

“Let’s go shopping!”

Standing under his favourite tree, Spike watched as Buffy and Dawn danced around the living room. Not wanting to intrude on their obvious jubilance, he watched in delight as Buffy’s face lit up, the happiness practically oozing out of her. Satisfied that she was okay, he slipped away, not wanting anyone to notice him. 

The tingly feeling in her stomach receding, Buffy cast an eye to the window, smiling as she watched the platinum head bob away into the darkness. She felt loved and cared for whenever Spike was near. The jubilation of having landed a job at a local fast food restaurant and having Willow pay towards the cost of the house as well as the satisfaction she felt at putting her shopping and a few extra treats for her and Dawn like clothes and toiletries on their dad’s credit card. What was two hundred dollars to him?  He earned that in an hour on some cases. And he was nice enough to give Dawn a card when Buffy had been dead and gone. Even if he did think Buffy had gone crazy when he met the ever-cheerful Buffy bot.

Sinking down on the sofa, Buffy watched as the gang poured in the front door, noticing a gaping hole in her circle of friends. It wasn’t just that Tara was missing- that was where Spike belonged she told herself. Surrounded by her family; for that was what they were. They may not understand her, or even know her very well anymore, but they were still there for her, every single one of them. Even Spike.

She smiled when she felt him return. Waving to the almost invisible vampire, she gestured for him to come and join everyone, holding her head up high and ignoring her friends and their comments as she stood and opened the door, extending the invitation that she had given the rest of her friends that evening. This was a time for celebration and as Spike was part of her good mood, she felt inclined to let him join in the birthday festivities. It wasn’t everyday she turned twenty-one, and after all; it was him that put her in such a good mood that she actually got up this morning.

Settling back down on the sofa in between Spike and Willow, Buffy couldn’t help but grin. Xander and Anya were cuddled up together, Dawn was sprawled across the floor with the remote in her hand and her best friend and Spike were surrounding her. She felt truly happy.

Except for the intense craving in her womb that knew how dangerously close Spike was. His overly close proximity driving her slowly crazy throughout the night until she felt like dragging him upstairs and forcing him to bite her.

Shifting slightly in her seat, Spike averted his eyes, having been watching her intently for the past half-hour, the not so subtle scent of her arousal driving him insane.

Watching the credits roll, Xander stood, yawning as he ushered Anya out of the door, wishing goodnight to everyone, casting Spike one last dirty look for good measure before shutting the door behind him. Following suit, Willow went up to bed and Dawn, wanting to give Buffy and Spike a chance to be alone, scrambled up behind her, not bothering to even wash in her hurry to get out of the way.

“You ok?” Spike tilted his head, the smell lingering in the air tempting him almost beyond his control now that they were alone.

Nodding, Buffy frowned. She didn’t want Spike to have this kind of control over her. Knowing that he could smell her arousal, she focused her mind on the dullest things she could think of.  

Watching Buffy frowning, her mind obviously elsewhere, he leant into her, pressing a chaste kiss to her neck, wishing her a happy birthday and sauntering out the door, the sound of the door shutting behind him breaking Buffy out of her reverie.

Shrugging, Buffy walked up the stairs calmly, making her way into the bathroom and locking the door behind her. Taking out the spare pair of scissors, she sat down, her eyes already glazed, thoughts rushing from her head as the pain numbed her.

******

A piercing calm took over Buffy’s body, her mind emptying itself completely, her body not responding to anything but the pain. Her eyes closed and she felt body jerking away from where she sat. A sensation of flying was soon replaced by a harsh landing. Opening her eyes a fraction she frowned blearily at Spike. He wasn’t real was he?

Straddling the Slayer, Spike stripped off his black t-shirt and wrapped it around her leg tightly, the added pressure making her even fainter. Sitting on the makeshift bandage he ignored her obvious discomfort.

If she didn’t like it then she shouldn’t have done it.

“I told you not to do this again.” He growled in her ear, all niceties lost in his outrage. Ignoring the nagging in the back of his mind telling him that letting the Slayer off herself wouldn’t be a bad thing. He could take over Sunnydale and rule as master vampire. Yeah, sure. And how many years was it since that had been even a remote possibility?

Looking down at Buffy’s calm and peaceful face he knew he couldn’t resist, her innocence driving him wild. He knew damn well she was anything but innocent after their last few encounters and if she was trying to invite him into her circle of friends then what was wrong with him inviting himself in?

“Wake up.” He ordered, his voice unnecessarily gruff. Not waiting until she complied he began to kiss and nip his way down her chest, pulling away her clothes as he went. Leaving her arms in her blouse he pushed it aside, kissing around her breasts right down past her belly and past her delicious smelling arousal until he reached the dripping slits on his inner thigh.

Licking the blood away and sealing it with his saliva he bit down hard, his fangs causing more pain than necessary. Hearing her gasp underneath him he rejoiced in his mind.

She did feel pain, she did feel something. Even if she did put on a good show for her friends, Spike knew she only felt a quarter of the emotions she claimed to, if that much was even possible in her current state.

It was almost as if some small part of her was left behind in heaven. The ability to feel love, maybe even her damn conscience. Stupid girl.

Taking a hard pull on her blood he forced himself to stop, sealing the twin puncture holes with his tongue. The scent of her arousal was making him light headed; anymore time in such close proximity would probably make him do things he would regret. He may be a demon, but he was no monster. 

Covering Buffy up he slipped under the covers next to her, holding her close no matter how much she struggled and feebly protested. Her struggles soon became weaker and weaker, her Slayer strength deserting her as she succumbed to sleep, her body instinctively seeking comfort from Spike.

Peering through the door, Dawn punched the air, creeping back to bed and setting her alarm clock for a more reasonable time than three am. Falling asleep to wild dreams of Buffy and Spike getting married and having beautiful babies, she was grinning and drooling in her sleep when Spike peeked in to say goodbye three hours later.

Letting himself out the front door, he strolled down Main Street to his graveyard with a smile on his face. The Slayer had slept in his arms, her blood was singing its way through his body and even the bloody annoying birds chirping at the coming dawn couldn’t bring his mood down. Not remembering a time in his life he could honestly say that he felt as good as this he pushed open the door to the crypt slowly, ignoring the tempting bottle of whisky and making his way to bed. Why drink away his good time when he could go straight to sleep and dream about it all day?

Waking up slowly, Buffy frowned. She could have sworn Spike was holding her in his arms when she went to sleep. Blinking at the bright light streaming in the window she quickly checked for dust on the sheets. Finding none she scowled. Stupid vamp, making her dream about him. She couldn’t help it if hurting herself wasn’t quite as good as when he hurt her. There was no way she could let him bite her again. Sitting up she glanced down at her thighs, the twin dots that matched the ones on her shoulder stared back at her, almost teasing her. She hadn’t dreamed it, Spike had been with her the night before. She could remember his kissing her, the way he held her and most of all, the way it felt when his canines slid through her skin as if it were as soft as butter, the orgasmic power she felt coursing through her every time he took a pull of her blood into his mouth.

This was bad.

He had to be stopped and Buffy was just the person to do it.

Right now.

*****

Stomping her way into Spike’s crypt, Buffy ignored the upstairs heading straight down the ladder that led to the dark cavern he liked to call his bedroom. Stopping in front of the black silken sheets that lay across his obviously naked body she frowned. How could someone so evil look so innocent and childlike when asleep?

She would soon change that. Picking up a short white candle from a handy table she threw it at his head, giggling when it landing with a thud across his nose and rolled onto the pillow.

Shooting upright, a fighting stance instinctive to him, he relaxed when he saw it was Buffy standing at the foot of his bed. Leaning back with his arms folded behind his head,

“Come back for more kitten?” He purred. The look of longing on her face was soon replaced with righteous anger and contempt and he kept his face impassive, his head tilted towards her, his eyebrow raised. He knew she couldn’t resist that look. “No? What is it you barged in for then? Bit’a rough’n’tumble?”

“Ewww, Spike. You’re a pig. I hate you and-  And this thing needs to stop.”

“Thing?” He asked politely, watching a small vein in her temple pulsate angrily,

“Whatever this is. It has to stop.” She threw him a dirty look, “Who gave you permission to bite me again?” She demanded angrily.

“Well when you beg someone, they tend to get the idea that you want it.” Spike drawled, his lazy posture and accusations making her see red. Cutting her off before she could really start yelling at him he inched forward until he was perched on the end of the bed, not a foot away from the angry Slayer, what kind of insane vampire was he?

Closing her eyes at his revealed nudity she found it hard to concentrate her mind on the topic at hand when the erection he was sporting was bobbing up and down as he moved. Was this how he killed the other Slayers? Distracting them with his huge cock? Laughing the thought away, her laugh sounding hollow even to her own ears she focused on what she came her for, she pulled a stake out of her waistband and stepped forward as menacingly as she could considering his state of undress. Pressing the stake to his chest she was astounded when he spread his arms, making it easier for her to reach her target.

Not wanting to actually stake him without a fight, Buffy kept her hand tightly curled around the small sliver of wood and punched him in the nose. Ignoring the ‘bloody hell’ that flew from his mouth with other assorted curse words she continued to whale on him, ducking and dodging the punches and kicks he aimed her way. Catching an extended arm, Buffy pulled him to the ground, straddling him to put an end to their shortest ever fight. Her hand shaking as she placed the stake over his heart, she looked deep into his eyes, the forgiveness she saw within their cerulean depths startling her into dropping the stake.

Letting the stake roll away with a clatter, she crashed with it, curling up in a ball on the dirt floor and sobbing, her body shaking with the force of the emotions flooding through her.

She hadn’t cried since she had been back. In three long months she had not shed one single tear and now they fled her eyes uncontrollably for Spike. For herself. For Dawn and for everyone else she could think of. Faith, Angel, her dad, her mom, Giles, Wesley.

For everything she had done and seen.

She didn’t want this life, how dare her friends assume that she was in hell, how dare they bring her back to this hell?

How could she be alive?

How could Spike love her when everyone else had abandoned her?

How could she feel like this?

Hopping onto the bed with Buffy scooped up in his arms, Spike wrapped her up tightly, pressing feather-light kisses to her face and neck. He was glad she was showing emotions again, but it still tore at his heart to see her so upset.

Struggling in Spike’s arms, Buffy frantically tried to free herself, her weakened state helping none.

Holding her to his chest, she scratched and clawed at him in a desperate attempt to free herself while he whispered sweet nothings in a plea to calm her down.

“Please!” Buffy whimpered, batting his hands away. “Let me go, please.”

Kissing her hands and holding them to him, he smiled. She was gaining some sense of self, she was trying to pull herself back from the brink. The brink of death, the brink of losing herself, he didn’t quite know but he could see the turmoil in her eyes and he was quite content to let her scream herself hoarse and kill him all over again if it would help her in any way.

If Buffy was going to try and live her life, he was going to try to be there to help her every step of the way. There was nothing more pitiful to him than a warrior with a death wish.

This warrior was fighting, the way she was born to.

His Slayer was biting back.

*****

Loosening his hold on the Slayer, Spike watched as Buffy snuggled into his chest, her shouting had ceased and her pitiful sobbing has subsided, sniffles and mumbled words of self pity taking over as she was rocked from side to side.

“Why?” She whispered, looking up at him, her red rimmed eyes making her appear old and tired.

“Why what?” he asked softly, stroking a stray lock of hair away from her face. She smiled wanly,

“Why do you do this?”

“Do what?” He asked with a gentle smile,

“This, why do you hold me? Why do you care?” She paused, blushing prettily, “Why do you love me?”

“That’s easy.” Spike smiled, his eyes showing just how much he did love her, “Because you’re you.”

She jerked around, sitting half upright on his lap, looking directly at him in surprise.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She half accused, smearing snot across her face in a useless attempt to make herself more presentable.

Grinning at her adorably messed up face, Spike pulled the sheets up from behind them, wrapping her up to protect her from the chill in the air.

“To mean?” He asked with a smirk, “It means, that I love you, because you’re you. You’re a beautiful young woman, a fantastic Slayer, a great big sister, a wonderful friend, you’re sexy as hell and my god are you an animal in the sack!” Ducking the teasing punch she aimed at his head, he smirked, raising his eyebrow in that sexy way of his making her quiver in excitement.

“That cover it?” He asked with a smile. She covered her head in embarrassment, giggling like a schoolgirl when Spike pulled the sheet away from her head, smothering her with sloppy childish kisses, pulling her back with him, rolling them over as he pressed a wet kiss to her nose, his hands roaming under her clothes while his mouth wandered south.

Lying limp under Spike, Buffy writhed and groaned while he divested her of her clothes, leaving her in nothing but a smile as his talented tongue licked it’s way down past her belly button, stopping at the junction between her thighs. His tongue sliding out of his mouth to taste her juices, licking and sucking furiously as she moaned beneath him, her first orgasm just a taster of what she knew was to come.

Extending his canines, Buffy giggled as she felt his ridged forehead brush against her thigh. Pulling his head up to hers, she pressed a kiss to his lips, the carefree attitude he was bringing out in her making her delightfully open to suggestion as he slid right inside her before she could protest.

Shifting to accustom herself to his enormous length and girth she wrapped her legs tightly around him, thrusting upwards, her animalistic tendencies shining through with her primal slayer side as Spike’s demon took over. Their coupling was increasing in ferocity as Spike groomed her neck, his teeth sinking into the soft supple skin as she bucked beneath him, her blood flowing into his mouth, neither being able to hold on as they rode out their climaxes in unison.

Her neck feeling tight and cold when Spike pulled away, she held him in place to lick the tender punctures, sighing when he rolled her over, lying side by side.

He felt equal, in power as well as standing. He was quite happy to be basking in the afterglow of their shagging. She had not only come to him for comfort, but she had stuck around after sex and was currently lying between his satin sheets, watching him as he watched her. He wasn’t fooled, there would be no making love until she could actually feel the love he was willing to give. This was about sex, the passion that helped her to feel something, that made her more alive, it was her drug of choice.

And he was content to be that addiction.

Buffy smiled back at Spike, closing her eyes sleepily and curling into his side. Life wasn’t so bad after all, she felt absolutely exquisite, lying in the aftermath of the best sex in her short life so far, and the twin punctures on her neck reminded her just how she came to be here. If Xander didn’t kill him, someone else would she mused, her fingers skimming over the rapidly healing marks. She knew someone would see them, she just couldn’t bring herself to care much.

 -

 Staring through the dimly lit tunnel, Riley shielded his wife from the horrors in front of them. Willow had told him that Buffy would probably be with Spike at this time and he hadn’t thought to question it as he had headed towards the cemetery, taking a shortcut through the sewers that he knew would take him straight to the hidden cavern beneath Spike’s crypt. The element of surprise was always an advantage when dealing with HST’s and Agent Finn was never one to go in unprepared. Guess that backfired, he thought dryly, watching as Buffy snuggled- yes, snuggled- against the vampire in question, her clothes strewn around the candlelit cavern.

Pushing her hesitant husband out of the way, Commander Finn gasped as she recognised both of the subjects before her eyes. The Slayer had blatantly been fornicating with Hostile 17 of her own free will. It made for interesting thought, but right now there was no time. The demon they needed was on the loose and they would need the Slayer and her assistants if they were to succeed with their mission.

*****

Clearing his throat, Riley Finn marched into the cave standing before the bed he ordered Buffy to stand away from the vampire. This was it, he had warned him before about going after his girl, now he was in trouble. A hand on his arm stopped him.

She was his girl now, Buffy had given him up, they had both moved on to someone who could love them the way they needed.

“Buffy.” He said curtly, nodding his head in her direction. Taking in her embarrassed state and frantic clothes hunt, he would hazard a guess that this was not a well known pastime of hers. Ignoring the vampire with his dick hanging out, no matter how much bigger he was than himself, Riley turned around to give Buffy the privacy she deserved. Discussing their best plan of action, Sam agreed that using Hostile 17 to the best of their advantage would be beneficial to them in every way.

“I’m done.” A small voice spoke from behind them. Turning on his heel, he gave the order for the strange couple to follow them as the soldiers moved back into the tunnels, fading into the darkness with Buffy and a reluctant Spike following.

What the fuck was this about? The blonde couple kept their thoughts to themselves as they blindly followed Riley and his new partner. Spike was pissed off that the soldier boy had returned to Sunnydale. Buffy was his now, he wouldn’t share. As soon as she told her mates, they would be a proper couple just like any of the other strange duos she was friends with. If a demon and a useless bricklayer and lesbian witches could be accepted, what was wrong with a vampire and the Slayer?

How did Riley get back? When did Riley get back? Who was that bitch with him? How the hell did he know where to find them?

And better still, why hadn’t he staked Spike when he had seen them naked and cuddling, the bite marks still fresh on her throat?

Coming to a junction in the sewers, Riley turned to his partner and whispered something Buffy couldn’t quite hear. Obviously Spike did for he pushed past the hesitant couple and started walking away, expecting them to follow. Hurrying to catch up with him, Buffy jogged to match his longer strides talking to him before the soldiers could catch up.

“They’re tracking a beastie.” He told her softly, “It’s been down here and they’ve lost the signal on those stupid computer things.”

Wincing in sympathy, Buffy slipped her hand into his, the cool strong appendage making her feel more secure about herself. Her ex boyfriend walked in on the end of a sex session with her current- well, whatever Spike was- and all she could think about was keeping the whole thing a secret.

Her dirty, shameful secret.

She was a whore. Using someone for sex. Being used by Spike of all people for sex. Her mother had warned her about letting Spike too close after she found out he loved her. Maybe this was what her mom was worried about, Buffy turning into something that she didn’t want to be. She was no better than those two-bit-tramps that Riley had been getting his suck jobs from.

She was tainted, and it was all Spike’s fault but no matter how she tried to pin the blame on him, she couldn’t.

“He’s up there.” Spike called softly to the pair behind them. Turning to watch, Buffy saw Spike flinch as they pulled out their tracking devices again. She squeezed his hand in encouragement and waited for a signal. Were they supposed to rush in there and kill whatever lay in wait for them? What if it was a trap?

Her thoughts were again interrupted when Riley asked if they could reconvene at her house. That was a bit out of the blue she mused, following Spike out of the tunnels into the starry night.

Opening the front door, Buffy was amazed to see all of her friends assembled in her living room. Even Dawn was sitting and waiting for them.

Letting her fears take over her, she looked around, worried of being found out, of being alive again and everything else she considered shameful, she clung to Spike’s hand like it was her only lifeline. Not wanting to sit, and let everyone intimidate her, she remained standing, Spike just behind her to support her through it all.

“What is this about?” She asked quietly, watching as everyone turned to the soldiers in askance. “Riley? Why are you here?”

“I’ll field this one,” The female soldier, Sam, replied leaning forwards, “Me and Ri here have been tracking this demon all the way up from South America, it’s been destroying towns and cities in it’s way and now it’s here, looking to breed. Ri said this place is some sort of mystical convergence site?”

“Yay for the Hellmouth,” Buffy muttered dryly. “So we just gotta get one demon?”

“It’s not just one demon Buffy.” Riley told her seriously, "This thing lives to breed. It destroys towns and kills thousands then lays eggs in the debris. The offspring kill from the moment they hatch. This thing needs to be taken down.”

“So it’s just one demon then?” Buffy repeated with a smile.

It was nice to feel needed by ones ex boyfriend. It made the patheticness that was her life seem a little more bearable.

“So you wait here while me and Spike go bag this beastie, then we can all celebrate with ice cream after.” Buffy announced to the room, stunning them into silence. Riley had told Willow what was happening when he had swung by that evening and Dawn had been researching it on the laptop all night. This thing was not only capable of destroying a whole city in a matter of hours, it would sense Spike a mile off and want to feed his dead flesh to it’s young. Of course it was too late to tell them that as they strode out the door.

Willow was sure that Buffy and Spike had been holding hands as they stood. She was certain of it now as she watched them through the window, the comfortable familiarity between them much more than that of patrol buddies.

She was happy for Buffy. Really.

Now all she needed was to get Tara back.

*****

Leading the way back through the sewer tunnels, Spike kept a firm grasp on Buffy’s hand, not ever wanting to lose the feeling of her hot, soft skin on his, her heartbeat pulsating through his hand as her blood called out to him. He was addicted to the feel of her and it looked like his luck was changing.

Buffy had allowed him to hold her hand in front of her friends, and not only had she not pushed him away, she had included him in her plans.

Even if it was to show Captain Cardboard up.

Now all he needed to do was make her want to live. To show her that he would always be there for her, and that life was what you make it. 

-

 “Is she always like that?” Sam asked cautiously. Riley had told her all about the Slayer and her friends, it seemed just so surreal to be here that she kept forgetting herself.

“She’s adjusting.” Dawn snapped. It was bad enough that her sister had run out with Spike, leaving them with Mr and Mrs Government Issue, but now she was being interrogated about Buffy while Xander and Anya spoke with Willow in the kitchen. She neither knew or cared what Willow’s problem was, if Tara couldn’t live with her then Dawn didn’t see why she still had to.

Life just wasn’t fair.

She had liked Riley, not in the way she liked Spike, but he had been there for some of the hardest times in her life, and helped her through not being real in his own way, and then he had left them. He hadn’t been there when her mom had died. He hadn’t been there when her sister had died. And now he expected to waltz right back into her life, bringing his wife with him. Wait till Buffy heard this story, Dawn knew she’d freak.

“Dawn?” Riley called, his hand waving cautiously in front of her face. Gaining her attention he smiled reassuringly, “Thinking about something?” He asked.

Dawn smiled, tossing her long hair over her shoulder,

“Nothing important.” She replied, watching the radar blip that was Buffy and Spike on Riley’s hand held tracking device. They weren’t having much luck judging by the ever increasing distance between the two blips on the screen.

“How’s school?” Riley continued to force small talk until Dawn jumped up, offering drinks. Escaping to the kitchen to make coffee, she dawdled in the hallway, hoping to overhear something from Xander or Willow in the dining room.

 - 

“Pet?” Spike whispered uncomfortably. Buffy had jumped the demon they were looking for right before it would have attacked Spike, snapping its neck as they wrestled. Unfortunately, it had been a lot heavier than it looked, causing Buffy to stagger into Spike and the pair of them to be crushed under the carcass.

Heaving together, they managed to shove the corpse aside, rolling over together.

“Yes?” Buffy finally replied, panting to regain her breath.

“Your soldierboy, do you still…?” Spike left the question hanging, not wanting to voice William’s insecurities for her to laugh at. “Scratch that, lets just get back eh?” He said cheerily, the strain in his voice evident.

Ignoring his pain, Buffy seized his hand, pulling herself upright and walking away, knowing that he would follow.

Spike always followed.

Shoving the manhole aside, Buffy took a deep breath of clean, fresh air, moving out of the way for Spike to come through behind her. She waited a second for him to regain his footing before setting off home, silence disturbed only by crickets in the grass, her thoughts entertaining her until her doorstep loomed in the darkness.

She panicked that Riley would have told everyone about how he found her, but was reassured by the fact that he would probably never admit that she was having any kind of relations with a vampire- this vampire- not even to himself. He always was one to play ostrich, even when they were dating.

Pushing open the door, she debated for a second about shutting it on Spike, but his hand on her arm stilled her malicious streak long enough for him to shut the door behind them both.

“Not find it?” Riley asked softly, taking in the dishevelled state of the couple. Snorting, Spike strode off to the kitchen to find Dawn and some bowls for the ice cream.

“We found it.” Buffy said coldly. “All dead and done, you can fly away again now.”

“How can that be?” Sam demanded, “We’re still tracking it.”

“Well its neck snapped quite easily, the hard part was lifting it off me.” Buffy smiled, her eyes cold and hollow. “You tracking the right demon?”

Offended, Sam was saved from having to answer by Riley, who thanked Dawn for his bowl, taking a spoon from Spike, the words of thanks dying on his lips as he recognised the devotion in the vampires eyes that was directed across the room.

His eyes reflected the depths of his love for Buffy more than any action could and Riley understood, and for the first time, pitied the vampire who would never be able to have her.

Seating herself between her sister and Spike, Buffy played with the ice cream in her bowl, the images of her fat body in the mirror burned into the back of her mind, her stomach growling for the treat while her mind forced her to punish herself for being so fat and ugly.

Spike watched from the corner of his eye as Buffy stirred her ice cream into a creamy puddle, his ears picking up the rumbling in her belly as she denied herself the satisfaction of eating for whatever reason. Determined to confront her about it when everyone had gone, he settled for sitting back and listening to the conversations around him, his mind on more pressing matters.

His mind on the Slayer. 

*****

“So Buffy?” Riley started conversationally, his wife holding his hand as he talked, “What are you up to these days?”

Grimacing, Buffy thought about her life since she had returned. She had just gotten herself a job in the Doublemeat Palace after half a dozen failed attempts to restart her life with her friends, she had calmed down with her eating habits, she was almost never hungry anymore and she had Spike to give her pleasure and pain whenever she wanted.

Life wasn’t too bad.

“Well I start work Monday,” She replied with a small smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “And it’s nice to be back.” She added, her eyes darting around the room, seeing how happy her friends were now that she had said it.

“Back?” Sam queried, leaning forward to hear the story,

“I died.” She whispered, her hand clenching around Spike’s as she uttered the words.

That was not something she had actually said aloud before in such a way that could almost be called casual.

It was almost like turning a corner in her mind.

She had died, now she was back. And being completely honest with herself- she was glad she was back.

There were so many things she had never been able to do, things she never dreamed of doing because her life always had an expiry date on it.

Now she knew her friends were able to pull her back from wherever for an extra chance, she had thought about getting out of her old life, trying new things.

She didn’t ever want to be pulled back again, but she knew that no matter what, or even how she died- Heaven was waiting for her.

Seeing Riley and Sam gaping at her with open mouths she forced a smile back onto her face.

“It’s ok, Willow managed to drag me back.” She let go of Spike’s hand, reaching out to stroke Dawn’s hair. “I’m needed here.”

Drag - Willow flinched at he word, so carelessly spoken, but harsh all the same. It wasn’t as if she set out to hurt her best friend. She just wanted to prove that she could do it. She needed Buffy around and not even the forces of nature could compete with her now.

She was more powerful than anyone could imagine, the spells she had found in the recesses of her mind had scared her at first, the knowledge that a veil had been lifted in her head, the easy access she had to powerful and dangerous forces. It was all so easy to get caught up in herself. Shaking the thoughts away, she focused on Buffy and what she was saying.

 -

 Chancing a look at her radar, Sam jumped to her feet, blurting out random codes to anyone who was listening. Apparently, Riley understood them because his panic was almost laughable. That was until the couple disappeared out of the front door.

Stepping out after them, Buffy was astounded to see them tag teaming a demon identical to the one they had killed not an hour before. Jumping back to avoid being hit by an airborne post-box, Buffy and Spike joined the fight, gradually taking over from Riley and Sam as their human stamina failed them.

Kicking away the tasers that lay at their feet, Buffy threw herself into the fray, instinctively knowing that Spike would be there in an instant should she need him.

He would keep her from harm as always and never before had she been grateful for it. Never before had the determination to win struck so deep within her, resonating in her every move.

Spike smirked watching his Slayer as she pounded on the demon, not giving it a chance to get her.

He knew it was because she was desperate to prove herself in front of Riley and his wife, but nevertheless he was impressed with her fighting.

The desire to die was slowly seeping it’s way out of her system and he knew it wouldn’t be long before she chose to move on with her life.

She was accepting her fate more and more each day, and the decisions she was making were all that stood between them.

Clapping when she snapped the demon’s neck, Spike almost cried with unrestrained joy when she came flying into his arms, wrapping herself tightly around him and whispering in his ear.

Looking over her shoulder at her friends he smirked, winking at them.

“We’re going to um- er- patrol.” He chuckled, taking Buffy’s hand and dragging her away into the darkness.

“I didn’t need to know that.” Riley remarked slowly, staring into the darkness after the disappearing couple. Patting his arm in solitude, Xander led the way inside, clearing up the mess from their impromptu celebrations and shepherding both Dawn and Willow off to bed after bidding a final farewell to Riley and Sam.

It wasn’t his business to begrudge Buffy any happiness in her life but he was still going to have to say something about her obvious relationship with the vampire. Didn’t she remember how her last necromantic relationship ended? 

Willow was wrong, it wasn’t anything like what he had with Anya-

Spike didn’t have a soul.

*****

Admiring his lover as she slept, Spike mentally catalogued the cuts and scars on her body, stroking and caressing her soft flesh. It was deceiving to see her so vulnerable and kittenish when he knew the power that lay inside. Their coupling had been fast and demanding and he knew no matter what she panted in his ear, her refusal to look him in the eye told him that she still wasn’t ready to love him. He knew she did love him, it was plain to see and he was immensely grateful for whatever she offered, but it would never be enough.

Deep down, William was desperate for the kind of love he had both read and written about.

The kind of love that Buffy could give him, if only she tried.

Stiffening as she awoke, Buffy lay immobile enjoying the feel of Spike’s fingers on her skin. Stopping when he knew she was awake, Spike intertwined his fingers with Buffy’s, marvelling at the way her tiny hand slipped so perfectly into his.

Withdrawing her hand slowly, Buffy sat up, pulling on her clothes hurriedly.

Not only had she made it obvious what she was dragging Spike away for- in front of her friends, little sister and ex boyfriend, she had stayed in Spike’s crypt for then entire night, leaving said little sister alone with Willow.

If Willow was actually there. She had been keeping strange hours recently, coming and going throughout the night and spending her days sleeping instead of being at college. It was obviously having an effect on Dawn, because the teenager was refusing to talk to the witch. Feeling guilty about abandoning everyone for sex with Spike, Buffy soon found herself blaming Spike.

If he wasn’t there watching her fight, she wouldn’t have been so horny and therefore wouldn’t have dragged him off a la cavegirl!Buffy.

“Leaving so soon?” Spike queried as the Slayer pulled on her boots. Returning the dark look she sent his way, he pressed on, not bothering to cover his nudity as he stood and followed her to the ladder.

“Buffy?” He called plaintively, “You’re not staying?”

Turning around she frowned at him, trying to quash the guilt and self-hatred that was bubbling up inside her.

“No.” She said quietly. “This can’t go on.”

“What?” Spike joked lightly, “Heard this tune love, got the sheet music.” He frowned as she bowed her head,

“I’m sorry William.” She was saying as Spike’s world fell away. His hearing ability all but flew out the window as she continued, “I don’t want to hurt you, but this is killing me. I can’t do this to myself- or you. We can’t do this to each other.”

She turned away from him, climbing the ladder in a daze.

Letting her go, Spike stood frozen to the spot. That was it.

His reason for living just walked out the door.

Walking home in a daze, the rest of the day flew by in hurried preparations for that evenings pending nuptials and Buffy gladly let herself get swept up in the madness.

Anything to take her mind of Spike and the void she felt inside.

She had to break things off with him if she was to start over, any relationship they may have deserved a real chance and that meant starting over fresh. Not something destructive or shameful. Something she could be willing to show the world. To show Dawn.

Speaking of Dawn- Why was she not helping to set up this stupid wedding reception? How the hell did she work her way out of it? And better still, why didn’t she get everyone else out of it?

“Buff?” Xander called, snapping his fingers in front of her face. If she didn’t already look pale and gaunt, the putrid green dress she was wearing was doing an excellent job of making her unattractive and dead looking. Leading his best friend into his dressing room, he couldn’t help but ask what was wrong, the depressed grimace on her face finally becoming more than he could bear. It was bad enough that his own second thoughts were catching up with him, but miserable guests would really upset Anya.

“I’m fine.” Buffy insisted, forcing a smile onto her face and eyeing the exit longingly.

“And Spike?” Xander tried not to judge, he was fully aware that his comments in the past had not been taken lightly by his wife to be.

Scary thought there, he mused, repressing the shudders that racked his body. He wasn’t ready for marriage, his parents were out there- drunk- as living proof of his inability to give Anya what she deserved from life. She definitely deserved better than him, just as Buffy deserved better than Spike.

“It’s nothing to do with Spike.” Buffy insisted, “I’m staying away from him, he deserves more than I can give.” She wiped away the lone tear that had escaped from her eye and gave her best friend a quick hug.

“He deserves?” Xander was flabbergasted. What the frilly heck was that supposed to mean? That bleached moron didn’t deserve anything but a swift stake to the heart. His face obviously gave him away because Buffy smiled patiently,

“Everyone deserves what they want when it comes to love.” She said softly, “You might not feel like you deserve Anya, but maybe she doesn’t feel that she deserves you?”

Leaving Xander to his thoughts, she slipped away, waving to Willow and Tara in the hallway. She was glad they were speaking to each other again, if only her love began with friendship.

“Pet?” A familiar drawl came from behind her. Steeling herself against the emotional onslaught, she turned to see her little sister on Spike’s arm, her bridesmaid dress just as hideous as everyone else’s, but the adoration and love in his eyes digging an empty pit in her stomach.

“You ready?” Dawn was already dragging Spike away, taking her place at the bottom of the aisle and giving the groom a double thumbs up.

*****

Sneaking away from the wedding reception after Buffy, Spike ignored the desperate attempts by Cecily, Halfrek, whoever the hell she was, to talk to him and followed the Slayer, delighting in stalking her. The little pleasures in life being all he had left to cling to.

Following her across town, Spike kept to the shadows, ducking and hiding in an ancient dance that sang through his long dead veins. The exhilaration of the hunt keeping him far behind the Slayer, watching from afar as she made her way up her garden path and into her house.

This was what being a vampire was all about. The hunt, the chase, the feeling he got when his teeth sank through skin, fresh blood coursing down his throat. He hadn’t realised how much he had missed the simple thrills since he had fallen in love with Buffy.

Smiling when she shut the door behind her, Spike stepped out from behind his tree and let himself in the front door, silently making his way up the stairs and watching through a crack in the door.

Shaking off the feeling of being watched, Buffy turned the mirror away from her as she shed her clothes and stretched her muscles, winding down the way he knew she loved to do after a stressful day. Turning to from the scissors on the side, Buffy picked them up slowly, feeling the cool metal in the palm of her hand. She frowned at the small pieces of metal, ripping them apart with satisfaction. No more would she need them. She was making her own choices, controlling her own life. She dropped the halves into the waste bin, turning away from them for the last time.

Not wanting to be caught, he was making his way down the stairs when he heard the bath begin to run, the scent of vanilla wafting to his senses.

Seeing the door swing open, Buffy gasped as a black boot made it’s way into the room, her eyes taking in his belted black denim jeans, tight black top with red shirt and leather duster, her jaw dropping despite her attempts to remain unaffected by his mere presence.

“What do you want Spike?” Buffy tried to keep her voice neutral, not wanting to give him any ideas. She had to stand firm in her decision to keep away from him. Running away from her problems definitely wasn’t the answer.

Shutting the door behind him, Spike settled against the door, his tongue curling behind his teeth as he posed.

“Spike?”

Stalking towards her, his predatory stance making Buffy feel like his prey, he stopped, towering above her as she tried to move away from him. Blocking her in with his arms he leant his head to the wall, his tongue darting out to lick the outer shell of her ear, pinning her head against the wall in the process.

“Please Spike?” Buffy pleaded, her voice wavering, fighting for control of the situation.

“You know you want it.” His husky voice tickled her ear, her arousal almost as undeniable as her fear, her knees gripping together as she tried to get a hold on herself.

“No. Please.” Her hands scrabbling for purchase as she tried to push him away, his strength and stamina while an equal match for hers any other day seemed to overpower her smaller frame, the tiredness radiating through her body.

“Gonna show you.” He muttered, pulling at the opening of her robe, the lure of her uncovered flesh spurring him onwards. He knew she wanted him, she just needed to stop denying to herself what she needed.

“Please. No.” She cried, wrenching herself free of his grasp and shoving him away. “Spike. No.” Punching his chest, she kicked out her legs to prevent him from cornering him again. Pushing her back against the clinical white tiles, Spike tried to place a kiss on her lips, his eyes glazed and bloodshot.

Avoiding a punch to his nose, Spike ducked, banging his head on the porcelain sink and crashing to the floor next to Buffy.

Holding his head in his hands he began to sob uncontrollably, his torment and anguish tearing him up inside.

Buffy sighed, her head resting on the cold tiled wall, the steam from her aborted bath making her skin flushed and clammy. Opening her eyes she wiped away the tears from her cheeks, swallowing her emotions and focusing herself with deep breaths.

What the hell just happened?

What the hell was he hoping to achieve?

How far was he going to push her?

Seeing the usually cocky and self assured vampire hiding his face in his hands, pretty much inconsolable when he realised what he had attempted to do, Buffy wrapped her arms around his shoulders, pulling him into her embrace and pressing kisses to his soft, curled hair.

“Spike?” She whispered, stroking the curls into a riotous mess atop his head. “William, I’m sorry.” 

Peeling away his hands from his face, Buffy smiled softly.

“I know I forced you and I’m sorry.”

Kissing away his tears she ignored the guilt she felt at forcing such a strong man to this. This was what she had reduced him to with her selfishness and inability to understand the depths of his love.

In just a few short months she had managed to break him.

“Buffy?” He whispered, cherishing the feeling of her head resting on his shoulder. “Stake me now.”

Choosing to ignore his comment, Buffy took his hand in hers and led him out of the bathroom, away from the desperate emotions that hung over them. A fresh start, not only for herself but for the man she loved.

Her friends hadn’t had a problem with her and Spike, she had created that problem and many more in her mind, blowing them out of proportion with her fear and shame.

She was no longer ashamed of being in love with Spike. She would shout it from the rooftops if that was what it took.

Closing the door behind them and giving them some privacy, Buffy led Spike to the bed, guiding him to the middle and kissing him softly, her tongue probing for entrance.

Shrugging off his duster, Spike did nothing to staunch the flow of tears from his eyes and simply closed them. The tears falling freely from beneath his dark lashes while Buffy kissed him.

*****

Taking off his shirt, Buffy ran her hands under his skin-tight tee shirt, revelling in the power she knew lay beneath the silky soft skin. Tugging at the hem, she pulled the offending garment over his head, stripping the last item of clothing from his perfectly sculpted body and relaxing when Spike opened her robe, exposing her breasts to his soft kisses, pressing his lips to every inch of skin he could, taking extra time on swelling bruises he couldn’t undo.

“Buffy.” He breathed, not quite believing he was awake and this was in fact real. Continuing his exploration and worship of her body, he was stunned beyond words when Buffy began to do the same. They would have forever to get to know each other intimately. Now was her chance to express her love for him and to let herself feel the depths of his love for her.

Covering their naked bodies with the sheets, Buffy kept his gaze, hoping that the love shining in his deep blue eyes was mirrored in her own. Never again did she want to be the cause of such anguish as she had witnessed earlier.

Their eyes never straying, Spike guided himself to her entrance, her slick arousal too much to resist. Pushing himself inside he stilled, wanting to savour the moment forever.

Accustomed to his impressive size, Buffy began to rock beneath him, encouraging him to join her, their fingers intertwined, eyes locked and hearts wide open.

Time stopped, fell away from them, there was nothing but themselves in the world. Nothing in the world but two lovers rocking together in a timeless tradition, expressing themselves without words, leading each other to completion.

Keeping a tight grip on Buffy’s hand, Spike began to thrust deeper, harder, his strokes becoming more and more urgent with his own impending climax. This wasn’t about getting her off, making her feel.

Pressing his face to her neck, he inhaled deeply.

Feeling Spike’s breath at her neck Buffy found herself smiling. There was no doubt in her mind that he wouldn’t bite her. Not without permission. She trusted him.

Tilting her head to give him better access, Buffy nodded almost imperceptibly.

Wasting no time at all, Spike sank his canines into her throat, obliterating all previous marks as he marked her as his mate.

Taking a long sensual pull on her blood he whispered an ancient incantation, the wounds immediately sealing themselves, a burning sensation coursing through their bodies and pushing them over the edge, Spike climaxing as Buffy’s muscles tightened around him in her own orgasm.

Panting, Buffy smiled almost girlishly up at him. The claim he had initiated burning her with it’s strength and emotion.

Pulling Buffy on top of him, her skin against his heating it beyond belief he risked a smile, not wanting to chase her away but wanting to confirm the illusion currently suckling on his nipples. She wasn’t going to kick him down and out. Not this time. It was finally time to show her just how much he loved her.

Now and forever. They would belong to each other.