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A/N: Inspired by the true story of Mr. Fik. ouch! and my deranged subsequent ravings to Tam after she sent me that story. In other words, blame Tam for this one.
Chap 1 - Much Ado About Dick
Angel squirmed uncomfortably under the bright lights of Interrogation Room # 4. Kate Lockley was watching him from behind the one-way mirror in the next room. Angel could sense her, but tried his best not to show any care about it. He was too occupied with trying to keep his hands away from his pants.
“What do we know folks?” Kate asked the other two officers, both male, in the room.
The younger of the two men spoke first, “The victim is one Mr. Angel; we don’t know if that’s his first or last name. He can’t produce any sort of valid identification.” The officer looked sympathetically at the man in the other room. He shifted his feet. “Detective, shouldn’t we be taking him to the hospital? We are still…”
“No, he’ll be okay,” Kate snapped.
The two men coughed in mutual discomfort. The elder spoke up, “Katie…look I know you have some beef with this guy. But come on now. Show a little compassion.”
“You don’t know him like I do, gentlemen. How’s the search going?”
“We’ve been looking for the past hour. No joy. So, we’ve expanded the search area to a four block radius. What did he say happened again?” asked the elder officer.
“He wasn’t too clear about that. I’ll be going in soon. Keep up the search. Watch where you step. And be sure to check the sewers that run underneath his building.” Kate exited the room.
The men gave one last look into Interrogation Room # 4 and sighed. It was looking to be a long, strange night.
*************
Angel looked up in relief when Kate finally decided to enter the room. “Have your officers had any luck finding it?”
“Not yet, Angel,” Kate said harshly, slapping down a file folder on the table. “But then again, you’ve not provided us enough to go on.”
“Look I’ve given you a physical description…” Angel began.
“Oh please, you think I would believe that? You are obviously exaggerating the size.”
If Angel could blush, he would at that point. “I’m not exaggerating…”
“We’ll see. Won’t we? If and when they find it. You know that’s not the best area…lots of places, impossible to cover them all. And you can’t tell me where exactly it happened.” Kate frowned, knowing that Angel was lying. She just didn’t understand why, especially since it was essential that they find it fast. Time was of the essence.
Suddenly, the door to the room burst open. “Peaches, what trouble have you gotten yourself into now? Not that I care, mind you. Still, got a bloke wondering why the mighty Angelus would send out a familial call. Something about Dru?”
“Who the hell are you?” Kate demanded, reaching for her service revolver.
“Luv, I wouldn’t if I were you. You are welcome to try, of course, but then I get to have my turn, and that would lead to much unpleasantness and more of Angel brooding. And who needs that, I ask you?”
After striking a match on the heel of his boot and pointedly lighting up in front of the “No Smoking” sign, Spike introduced himself, “Name’s Spike. Unfortunately for me, Peaches there is family. As you might have guessed, I don’t brag about that fact.”
Kate couldn’t help it; she smiled. “Yes, I could certainly understand why. So Spike, you said something about a call? I’ve been in Angel’s company for the past hour, and he’s not made any phone calls. So, what are you talking about?”
“Since you don’t have Angelcakes here at the hospital, I’m assuming you know about our family’s medical condition,” Spike said.
“Yes, unfortunately for me, I do.”
“See, Angel here is my dear ol’ grand da. Family, pet. He sent out a vampyrific call to his family. I just happen to be the closest I’m guessing or rather the most curious. Most of us would have ignored it, but see the wanker doesn’t use it much. My curiosity got the best of me.”
Just as Spike finished talking, his eyes grew wide with disbelief. He’d sensed something was off with Angel, and now he realized something was rather off of Angel. “Bloody Hell!”
“Spike!” Angel growled in warning.
Tears of delight formed in the corners of Spike’s eyes. This was just too rich. Why didn’t he keep a camera around again? “You’ve…you’re…”
“Spike! Shut up!” Angel started to get up, but the pain made him stop his movement. Angel turned a puce green color and dropped his head on the metal desk.
Ignoring Angel’s pain completely, Spike shifted from one foot to another in glee. “You’ve been Bobbitted!!!!
“Spike! For the love of Dru, shut up!” Angel tried again to stop his infernal grandchilde.
In a singsong voice, Spike teased, “Someone’s lost his willy. Angel’s a eunuch.” Spike stopped long enough to inhale a draught from his cigarette and blew out the smoke, “Whom can I thank for this gift? It’s like bloody Christmas, Guy Fawkes, Boxing Day and my birthday all rolled into one. I must know. Tell me. I have to send a thank you note.”
Kate had held in her laughter long enough. When she’d been in front of her men, she couldn’t display any such emotion. The men would have been furious with her and then she probably would have been written up. She didn’t need that kind of hassle. However, she couldn’t hold onto her emotions any longer. Seeing the positive glee with which Spike reacted over Angel’s “condition” had her in stitches.
Then Kate realized that any moment one of her men could either come into this room or enter the one next door, and she sobered up immediately. She had to maintain her professionalism. It was the only way she would be able to get through this.
Part of her was steaming mad. It was Wednesday and she and Angel had a date for Friday. Well, that looked to be off, now. There was no way in hell that she would be going out with him now. Not after having to look for his penis. Not after every guy in the office would know who Angel was by sight. No way.
Spike found a chair and helped himself to it, plopping his feet on the metal desk. “So, how did it happen, you wanker? Well, I guess I can’t call you that anymore, seeing how you won’t be able to.”
“Just keep laughing it up, Spike. As soon as I can heal, I’ll find you and make you remember just who you are talking to, boy,” Angel threatened.
“I know exactly who I am talking to, Angelus. I just don’t give a damn. Oooo, tell me something Peaches, does the Slayer know yet?”
Angel’s eyes widened with fear. “She can never know Spike. Never. You hear me.”
The door once again flew open. “Angel!”
“Buffy?”
Chapter Two - Where's Dick?
(Inside the lobby of Angel Investigations)
Cordelia Chase blew out an angry breath. Her night had been ruined, completely ruined. Looking at the clock on her desk, she fumed that right now she was supposed to be having dinner with the hot guy she’d met at the grocery store, but no, Angel had had his little emergency. And now police officers were taking up all the space in the lobby, which hello - detracted from the business. No one would want to hire AI if the police were known to frequent it. Stupid Angel. And what had happened anyway?
Doyle sat next to Cordy just happy that he could breathe in her perfume. She looked as lovely as ever, but highly irate. He felt for Angel, really he did, but he’d rather face off against the Scourge than face one pissed off ex-cheerleader with Sunnydale training any day. He was just relieved that Cordy didn’t know why all the police were present. He really didn’t like the idea of this “date” she kept talking about. Why couldn’t she go out with him? Stupid Angel. Serves him right.
The police had basically taken over the entire lobby of Angel Investigations. There were no empty chairs left; folding tables had been set up with radios and officers manning them. Blueprints and maps of the area were laid out and had been marked with different colors depending on who was assigned to what part. It looked like a war room, instead of a private detective agency.
Cordy and Doyle perched on the only place left to sit – on Cordy’s desk. Those officers that were attempted to flirt with the girl with the “nice rack” quickly learned to fear the “frigid bitch.” Doyle had to fight to rein in his demon. He’d heard all the remarks and innuendos that the police were spewing about his princess. It irked him that he could easily kill these men and not feel one ounce of regret. They’d slandered his girl. Well, she wasn’t really his girl, but these jerks didn’t know that. Fortunately for them all, Cordelia hadn’t heard one word of their insults after she’d refused their attentions. Doyle smiled; yes, those men were very lucky indeed.
An elder officer, had to be a detective, strode into the lobby followed by a younger officer. All the other police immediately paused in whatever they were doing and placed their attention on the older man. The younger officer was carrying an easel under one arm and almost dropping a huge corkboard with the other. No one attempted to assist the younger man.
“Set it up there, Brian,” said the elder officer, directing Brian to a well-lit
corner. As Brian carried out his order, the elder turned his attention to the
rest of the room. “Okay, people, gather round.”
“Look people, I know that we’ve been searching for an hour, but remember what we’re searching for.”
A redheaded officer snickered a little too loudly and garnered the elder’s attention. “What’s your name, officer?”
Realizing that the lieutenant was talking to him, the redhead gulped but then smiled brightly as if nothing was amiss. “Wolf, sir. Jesse Wolf.”
“Well then Officer Wolf, would you like to share what’s so amusing about this situation to the rest of us?” the lieutenant asked. Inwardly, the lieu agreed with the young man, but he had to maintain his professional façade.
“Nothing, sir. Not funny at all, sir,” Jesse answered. He couldn’t believe he’d just graduated from the academy and his very first assignment was this. His best friend Dan stood next to him almost trembling with holding in his laughter.
“Okay then. Brian, do you have it ready?”
“Yes, sir,” Brian responded. While the officers had gathered, Brian had erected the easel and placed the board on it. He’d retrieved a map and some other items, pinning them to the board.
“Officers, let’s go over what we know.” The lieu pointed to a picture of Angel. “Approximately 22:00 hours this evening, Mr. Angel arrived at headquarters demanding to see Detective Kate Lockley. He reported to her that he had been the victim of an assault. Even though he reported the crime, Mr. Angel has not been forthcoming with the details of the attack. He had not provided us with a description of the attacker or if there were more than one involved in the assault. All we do know gentlemen and lady,” the lieu paused to nod at Officer Tam Love, “is that Mr. Angel has been injured.”
Cordy gasped at hearing that Angel had been injured. It had to have been bad if he’d gone to Kate. But then why go to Kate? He was a vampire. Sure these guys didn’t know that, but hell, why all this fuss? He’d heal, right? Cordy began to hyperventilate at the thought of losing what little income she’d received working for AI.
Doyle patted Cordy on the back and soothed her. “It’s gonna be okay, princess. Angel’s just in a wee bit of trouble. Everything will work out. You’ll see.”
Cordy smiled gratefully at Doyle and resumed her attention to the lieutenant. Then much to Cordy’s horror, she heard the next words and really wished she was anywhere but there.
“We are looking for Mr. Angel’s penis, people,” the lieu announced loudly. Several of the men shifted uncomfortably in response.
Dan couldn’t help himself, “Do we have a description, sir?”
The lieu gave him a stern look. “Sir, I just meant that we’ve all been looking for over an hour…and…”
“I understand, son. It’s okay. I’m sure most of us know what generally to look for.” That garnered a few snickers, which were silenced immediately by the cold look in the lieu’s eyes.
Under his breath, Jesse whispered to Dan, “Suspect has been known to be able to vary its size. It sometimes had been known to wear a hoodie.”
Dan howled with laughter. He couldn’t help it. In response, he ran from the lobby outside. He would deal with the lieu’s wrath later. He had to be able to breathe.
Tam moved close to Jesse and whispered, “Be careful men, suspect has been known to hang out with a couple of nuts.”
Jesse turned a shade of red to match his hair; still he held it in. No way was Tam going to out do him. He countered with, “Consider the suspect armed and dangerous. Suspect has been known to explode using some type of white, milky substance. We don’t know if it’s toxic or not.”
Tam snickered.
“Officers Wolf and Love; if you two can’t be serious then I could find you a nice detail elsewhere.”
“Sorry, sir,” they both said.
Cordy knew she had died and this was hell. This had to be hell. She wondered idly if some demon or some animal had carried it away and that’s why the police weren’t having any luck finding…Angel’s… thing.
The door to the lobby opened and all the officers, Cordy and Doyle turned in surprise at the small man who’d entered.
“Oz!” Cordy greeted.
“Um…hey, Cordelia. What’s with all the police?” Oz said, unruffled but obviously confused.
A/N: The characters of Officers Tam Love, Jesse Wolf and Dan were inspired
by our very own Spikeslovebite, Redwulf50 and Waywardchilde.
TBC...
