Disappear

there’s a pain that sleeps inside
it sleeps with just one eye
and awakens the moment that you leave

Spike’s shoulders slumped as the slayer beat a hasty retreat from bed.  Scrambling to grab her clothes from where they'd been haphazardly tossed in the throes of passion, Buffy quickly slid into pants, shirt, and shoes before fleeing up the ladder that lead to the upper level of the crypt and out into the night.  In her haste to escape the scene of another one of her “mistakes,” Spike noticed that she hadn’t even bothered to try and locate her discarded undergarments.

After the first few times of trying to coax her back into bed, he had finally given up. Now, he just let her run.  He may be “love’s bitch” but there was only so much pleading he’d do.  Besides, he knew she would be back tomorrow.  And if not tomorrow, then the next day.  Apparently, he - a soulless demon - was the only one capable of making her feel alive.  He’d laugh at the irony if only he could.

When he’d goaded her into a brawl outside that abandoned building, his only thought had been to give her back some of the taunts and humiliation he had been made to suffer since he had first been “chipped” by the Initiative.  As they had worked their way through the interior of the building, trading blow for blow, he’d exhilarated in their dance.  He would never in his wildest dreams have expected that their dance would change.  But then, she’d kissed him.  And that had lead to another kiss, and another, until finally she had shoved him up against a wall and jumped him.  Literally.  Her toned legs had locked around his waist.

Then he'd heard the sound of his zipper lowering.  And before he could figure out what was going on, she had his cock out, her knickers pushed out of the way, and she was sliding home.  In his century plus of living, he’d never felt anything like that.  The way her slayer muscles enveloped him as she slowly sank down on his length.  He’d thought he was dreaming and had dreaded to wake up.  Then she’d started to move and he knew it wasn’t a dream; he was actually making love to the slayer.  Well he’d tried to anyway.  Make love, that is.  But, she’d wanted none of that.

The slayer was too good for that.  Couldn’t make it with a soulless demon, no matter that said demon loved her - had told her so.  Had try to show her.  Shoot, did she think he actually *liked* helping her so-called Scooby friends?  Hell no!  But, to prove his love, there he was, attempting to fight their “good fight.”  Anyway, no gently loving for the slayer.  With her, it was all about fists and fangs and claws and teeth.  The more it hurt the better.  Shoot, he didn’t mind.  Vampire, remember?  But, for her to think that was all she was worth...it broke his undead heart.  But, he wasn’t going to refuse her.  Being this close to the slayer was too good an opportunity to pass up. 

After a time, Spike got out of bed.  He located her bra and knickers and hid them in his chest with the others.  If she kept this up, she’d soon be all out of undergarments.  Turning away from the chest, he moved back to the bed.  He wasn’t tired, but he enjoyed basking in the scent of the slayer after she had gone.  If only to remind himself that she had been there in the first place.



though I try to look away
the pain it still remains
only leaving when you’re next to me

Spike lay in bed, unmoving, as he heard the crypt door open the following night.  The slayer.  She'd come back.  He heard rustling as she moved across the crypt to the passage that lead to the lower level.  She was trying to be quiet.  Why, Spike didn’t know.  She knew he was able to hear every sound she made, right down to her heartbeat.

Then she was climbing down the ladder.  He could hear the whisper of clothes as she peeled them off her body piece by delectable piece.  The scent of her arousal had his cock stirring to life as he lay naked underneath the silk sheets.  Her softly spoken words caused his eyes to open, pinning her with his gaze.

“Tell me you love me,” she demanded softly from the other side of the room.

“I love you.”

“Tell me you want me,” she whispered as she sashayed across the floor, making her way towards the bed.

“I want you.”

Then, Buffy surprised him.  She crawled up on the bed, straddling him over the sheet.  Leaning down, she ran her lips lightly back and forth over his own.  Spike growled low in his chest, but made no move to grab her.  He wasn’t sure what had come over the slayer, but he was loath to break the spell.

She broke the kiss and Spike waited for the violence that was so much a part of their “dance.”  Instead, she just gazed at him, her hazel eyes shining brightly with unshed tears.  He stared back helpless to look away, wanting to ease whatever it was that seemed to be troubling her.

“Love me,” she whispered.  Not a demand.  More like a plea.

“Oh... Buffy.  I do.  I will,” he whispered back.  Turning, he allowed Buffy to fall gently to her back on the bed, his upper body covering her but not crushing as he supported his weight on his elbows.  He lowered his head to hers and took her bottom lip into his mouth, nibbling lightly.  Right now, the slayer appeared to have pushed aside all her negative thoughts about what she was doing with him and was just allowing herself to feel, to be loved.  By him.



do you know that every time you’re near
everybody else seems far away?
so can you come and make them disappear?
make them disappear and we can stay...

In the afterglow of their lovemaking, Spike held Buffy in his arms.  It was the first time she had ever let him hold her afterwards and he wanted to weep tears of joy.  Instead, he just held her tightly to him, one hand idly running up and down her arm in a soft caress.

“Stay.”

The word, so softly spoken, left his mouth - too late to be called back.  His body tensed and his hand stilled on her arm as he waited for her answer.  Mentally, he prepared himself for her rejection.  After all, it wasn’t like she hadn’t done it before.  So he waited, as the agony of silence slowly killed him.

She never answered him verbally.  But, he felt her nod against his chest.  The tension finally left his body and his hand resumed its caress along her arm.

For now, it was just them. No Watcher.  No friends.  No job.  No worries.  Just the two of them, enjoying each other’s presence.  For a while they were able to pretend there was nothing else.  For a while they were both happy.  Many times throughout the remainder of the night they reached for each other.  Each time, their gentle lovemaking took them to new heights.  Their bodies worshiping one another.  Afterwards, the two fell sated in one another’s arms.  Held tightly by one another as if afraid the other might leave.

As the night gave way to the first rays of dawn, Spike drifted into sleep, his sharp features looking almost boyish in slumber.  Buffy carefully untangled herself from his arms and got out of bed.  She gathered her clothes, slipping them on quickly.  She needed to get home before Dawn and the others woke.  She wasn’t up to answering questions of where she had been all night.  With one last glance and her forbidden lover, she turned and left his crypt.



so I stand and look around
distracted by the sounds
of everyone and everything I see

Spike sat at the bar inside the Bronze nursing his beer.  It had been a week since he had woken up alone in bed after their wonderful night of tender lovemaking, Buffy having apparently left some time in the pre-dawn hours.  If it wasn’t for her scent on the sheets and the single sheet of paper with the words “thank you” written on them, Spike would have thought the entire night had been a dream. 

He’d waited for the sun to set and then gone out looking for her that night.  She had to patrol so he’d catch up to her eventually.  After the third cemetery, he came to the conclusion that she hadn’t wanted him to find her.  So, he backed off.  Gave her some space.  She’d be back, like she always was.

That’s what he kept telling himself each night he went out looking for her before finally returning to his crypt alone.  Buffy was avoiding him.  That’s why he was sitting in the Bronze, sipping on a horrible American beer and praying she would show, so they could talk about “that night.”  An hour later, he was still working on the same beer.  He refused to drink himself into oblivion because she’d so obviously run from him.  The bartender had come over once, but a quick flash of yellow-tinted eyes had the man leaving him alone to wallow in his misery in peace.

 

and I search through every face
without a single trace
of the person, the person that I need

Spike gazed out over the crowd of young kids dancing and socializing.  Their accelerated heartbeats, along with some of the more amorous ones’ arousal, permeated the air, providing him with a momentary distraction.  He thought longingly of days past when he’d come here for his next meal.  Then, he shook his head, remembering.  He bagged it now.  At first it had been the chip that required the necessary adjustment in his diet.  But, he knew if he got the thing out tomorrow, he’d probably still bag it.  For her.  



do you know that every time you’re near
everybody else seems far away? 
so can you come and make them disappear?
make them disappear and we can stay...

He knew the moment the slayer walked through the front door of the Bronze.  Awareness shot through his entire being as she entered his “comfort zone.”  Sights and sounds faded as he concentrated on her.  She came in alone, looking like she didn’t particularly want to be there.  Her attire wasn’t her usual “Bronze” attire either.  Actually, she looked like she was about to head out for patrol.  Long, lean legs were encased in a pair of jeans and sturdy boots covered her feet.  She wore an ordinary sweatshirt, the dark color allowing her to blend in with the night.  Her short hair was pulled back in matching ponytails secured at the nape of her neck.  She looked about twelve; Spike thought she was just gorgeous. 

Then he noticed her face.  It seemed more drawn than normal, as if she carried the weight of the world on her shoulders.  A lot of times she did.  Didn’t she realize that he could help?  That he’d do anything for her?  If the dark circles under her eyes were any indication, she obviously hadn’t been sleeping either.

Her eyes scanned the crowd, obviously looking for someone.  Jealousy reared its ugly head, and it was all he could do to stay in his seat at the bar.  That night obviously hadn’t meant much to her if she could leave his side and search out his replacement here among the crowd.  He watched as she continued looking over the patrons, her gaze pausing over a couple near the back – obviously vampires.   She let out a sigh and kept searching, her eyes raking the catwalk, pausing as they lighted on another vamp.  Then, her mouth dipped down in a frown.

Spike watched as Buffy, with a look of determination on her face, started making her way through the Bronze.  His gaze never left hers as she meandered through the club, silently willing her to break off the search of whoever it was she was looking for and come to him.  He held an unnecessary breath as she appeared to do just that.  Her gaze ran down the occupants of the bar before settling on him.  Then, her eyes stopped as they reached him; her hazel orbs just staring at him. He could feel his jaw dropping as she slowly wended her way through the crowd to his side.



can you make them disappear? make them disappear...

“Hi,” she said shyly as she stopped in front of him.  Spike was still in awe that it had been him she was looking for, so he could barely get out an answering greeting.  She obviously had something to tell him.  He cocked his head to the side, waiting for her to speak; it was difficult to keep the yearning he felt for her from his eyes.  He was well and truly “Love’s Bitch” as he waited for her to say that their night together had been a mistake.  And, that it was finally over - she could no longer be with him. 

He held up his hand to stop her before she could hurt him worse that she was already doing.

“No, don’t!” he said as she opened her mouth to speak.  Her mouth hung open for a moment before swiftly closing.  “You’ve made your feelings perfectly clear, Slayer.  No need to rub salt in the wound.  I’ll just take off.”  He stood up from the barstool as he finished his short speech.  He left a stunned slayer standing by the vacated seat as he quickly made his way to the side exit.

So intent on getting away from there before he disgraced himself, he didn’t feel the slayer walk up behind him.  Suddenly, someone grabbed his hand.  He knew who it was the second it made contact.  Buffy.  With her hand in his, she pulled him to a stop a few steps away from the exit.  Head lowered as he stared fixedly at his boots, he refused to turn around and look at her.  Refused to see the pity in her eyes.

The single word that softly left her mouth caused him to whip his head around in stunned disbelief.

“Stay.”

Oblivious to anyone else, Spike pulled Buffy to him in a bone-crushing hug.  Somewhere in his addled brain, he realized he was probably holding her too tight.  But, since she was voicing no complaints, he refused to slacken his grip.  He didn’t want to take the chance of her changing her mind, or that somehow he was dreaming again.  Only one way to find out.

He loosened his hold so that he could look down at her.  Releasing one hand from around her back, he placed it under her chin – gently urging her to look at him.   What he saw reflected in her eyes filled him with hope.  As the band continued played and the kids continued to dance, Spike leaned down and kissed her.


**  Credit to the writers of BtVS for the "want/love" lines"
*** Disappear ~ Lyrics by Hoobastank

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