Banner by Selene

 

Chapter 28: I Wrote You A Letter

Spike noticed the packages waiting for him in the foyer and his light mood evaporated. Grabbing the items, he realized that it was awfully quiet in the house. When he got to the open doorway of the bedroom, he realized why. Everyone was there, standing inside the room. Most had dazed expression on their faces. All gazed at the glowing figure on the bed with something akin to awe. He felt it too, but that didn’t mean that everyone else had to witness it, dammit! The awakening of a Childe was a private matter, and these people were intruding.

Seeing that Spike was about to erupt, Angel began slowly ushering the people out of Buffy’s room. Finally, it was just Spike, Angel, and Willow standing inside. Willow walked over to Spike and handed him a folded piece of paper.

“What’s this, Red?” he asked. Then, he caught a whiff of Buffy. He brought the paper up to his mouth and sniffed. Closing his eyes, he inhaled, letting her scent wash over him.

“Buffy… she…asked me to,” Willow was floundering. Her friend, for all intents and purposes, was dead. And Buffy knew. Knew that she was going to die. “She said it was for after,” she whispered. Tears falling freely down her face now, Willow rushed out of the room to search for Dawn. Maybe between the two of them, they could find some type of comfort. Dawn had left before Angel could force her, refusing to speak to the blond vampire.

Spike walked over to the chair Buffy used to curl up in to write in her journal. Cautiously, he unfolded the paper. Buffy must have written this recently, if Willow was the one handing it to him. He looked down at the paper and read.

Journal

Read

Love You

Make Angel tell… Cookies

The few words scribbled stared back at him. Obviously this was important to her. She must have written it right before he rushed up here. Right before he killed her.

“What is it?” Angel asked softly.

“She said she loves me. Told me to read her journal. Then, there’s something here about cookies, said to ask you.” Spike looked up at Angel questioningly.

Reluctantly, Angel told him about the conversation he had with Buffy. Told him about his arrival in Sunnydale before the fight with The First. About that kiss that Angel didn’t think Spike had seen, but had more than likely been able to smell. About Buffy’s subsequent talk of her being cookie dough and that one day she’d be cookies.

“And, that’s what she told me yesterday. That she was now cookies. You made her cookies.” Hope shined in his eyes as he gazed up at his Grand-Sire. Maybe she wouldn’t hate him when she woke up.

“I’m going to leave you now. I’m sure there are things you’d like to do before Buffy wakes.” Nodding, Spike stood up and walked with Angel to the door.

Angel still needed to talk with the others about what he had found out while at Wolfram & Hart. They had been sidetracked when they had heard about Buffy’s situation, and there had been no talking to any of them. Now that they’d been banished from the room, it was time to lay out a plan of attack for when Buffy rose. She was going to be needed to help close the portal to the Draemuir dimension once and for all.

After Spike closed the door behind Angel, he went to the bags he had placed inside the door. Dozens upon dozens of candles were inside and he started pulling them out to set up all over the room. Then, he walked through and lit each one of them. He turned off the artificial lighting, leaving only the candles burning in the room. While he was gone someone, probably Angel, righted the mess he had made of the room during his earlier rampage. When the room was to his liking, he exited soundlessly, making his way down to the kitchen once more. He opened another two packets of human blood in a mug and heated it in the microwave. He wasn’t hungry, but the more human blood he had coursing through his veins, the better it would be for Buffy. So, he’d continue to eat every few hours until she awoke.

He finished his mug quickly, not wanting to encounter anyone. His guilt was still riding high, and he didn’t want to see any accusing stares pointed his way. Although if he stopped to think about it, no one – except possibly the Niblet – had looked at him like he was a monster. But, it still didn’t make him feel better. While secretly he was glad that Buffy would be around for all eternity with him, the last thing Spike had wanted to do was turn her. She was sunshine and light, not the darkness he had become so long ago.

Once more closeted in the bedroom, he went to the chest that held Buffy’s journal and opened it. Various memorabilia lay within, and Spike took note of a few things. A shawl her mother once wore. A couple of pieces of art, probably stuff that had once been displayed in her mother’s room. Reaching into the box, he pulled out Buffy’s journal. He shut the lid and walked back to the chair that was placed across the room. Sitting once more, he opened the journal to the first page, and began reading Buffy’s words.

~*~*~*~*~

May 20, 2003

God I feel stupid doing this. But, Giles thought it would help. Practically demanded it is more like it. What, am I like fifteen again I yelled at him. He just gave me that uptight, pompous Watcher look and said that ‘he’ was far older than fifteen and he still kept a journal. I just rolled my eyes at him and walked away. Well, I wrote something, so there! God, I’m tired. I just want to sleep, for say, the next month straight.

Spike traced his fingers across the first journal entry. His slayer didn’t like to write, obviously. He had to chuckle at the uptight, pompous Watcher comment. He had always thought the same himself.

~*~


June 1, 2003

Don’t think this is going to become an everyday occurrence. I’m just bored, that’s all. We’ve been in L.A. for the last ten days resting and recuperating. Hiding, if the truth be known. We’ve had no contact with the outside world. Our little group has stayed to themselves. We didn’t want to attract attention. And, we damn sure didn’t want to run into the pseudo-Scooby gang here.

Giles has had Willow trying to break into bank records to enable him to become the power-of-attorney for the Council’s resources. She finally broke in yesterday. Can I just say yay! Now we’ve got access to the Council’s funds. And, I have to say, when I looked at the bank balance I was shocked. Couldn’t they send a little of that my way??? Sheesh. Do they know what I went through two years ago? They could have spared me the humiliation of working in that God forsaken Meat Palace! Stingy bastards!

Anyway…

Now that we’ve got access to money, we’re leaving California behind. Personally, it can’t come fast enough. The more miles between the closed Sunnydale Hellmouth and me, the better! Giles has rented a Winnebago and we’re headed to Cleveland. Apparently, there’s another Hellmouth there, and Faith is gung-ho about keeping an eye on it. More power to her! Thoughts of that camper on wheels bring back…

Spike flipped the page, but the entry just ended and another began. So, he continued to read. After the first initial lapse in the dates, he noticed that she started writing daily. She described her cross-country journey, how they picked up a few slayers along the way to Cleveland. She mentioned the small building they converted to a local headquarters with the help of Council money. Apparently, Giles wasn’t skimping now that he had taken over. Buffy wrote that they spent over a week there getting things set up before she, Dawn, Giles, Willow, Andrew, and Xander caught a flight out of the states headed for England.

After a bit, he looked up from the journal to glance at Buffy. She was still glowing and showed no signs of waking. And, though, he wasn’t hungry he made a quick trip to the kitchen for more human blood. Once back, he picked up the journal and re-immersed himself in her words.

~*~


June 21, 2003

Well, we made it. All six of us. Although, if I have to listen to Andrew drone on and on anymore I’m going to put my slayer abilities to good use and beat the crap out of him. Damn, he doesn’t shut up! And, what’s with the damn tweed? He does realize that he doesn’t have to wear that crap to be a Watcher-in-training. Shoot, even Giles got rid of the stuffy clothes!

June 22, 2003

Willow and Giles would be so proud. I’ve turned into a regular research girl. Not that they’d be too happy with what I’m researching, but who cares. I’ve long since given up caring what they had to say. Well, not really. But it felt kinda good writing that. Though, this was one subject they couldn’t make me change my mind about.

He gave me a starting point, and with a little unknown help from the archived computer records of the Council, it wasn’t too hard to find what I was looking for. I have his name as well as his birth and supposed death dates. So, I’m off to the Family Record Centre. Don’t ask me why I’m doing this, I probably couldn’t tell you. But, the more I know about him, even if it was the human him, the closer I feel to him.

‘What in the bloody hell?’ Spike thought as he looked up from the journal to glance at Buffy. She had actually gone looking for information about him? He turned the crisp page of the journal and noticed that pages now looked slightly warped as if they had gotten wet. Some of the writing was smudged, but not unreadable. All her previous entries had lacked emotion, as if she were just reciting a blow-by-blow narrative of her time spent since the averted Sunnyhell apocalypse. Something must have happened, because the next entry had him trembling and shedding tears of his own.

~*~


June 25, 2003

I can’t stop crying. My heart is broken and I feel so lost. I tried going there. To that alley. Don’t ask me why. It had been over a hundred years ago, and it probably wasn’t even there. But, it was. Don’t ask me how I knew that this one was the right one, I just knew.

I just wanted to feel closer to him. To my Spike. And, what better place than where he was made. That alley that Drusilla had found him in so long ago. Crying because his heart had been broken by that bitch Cecily. It had changed a little. Gone were the bails of hay. Now, a dumpster and forgotten wooden crates littered the area. I crouched down behind a few, holding my knees to my chest and lost it. I sat there in that dank alley and thought about my life and what I had done over the last few years. The hateful things I said to him. Snide bitchy remarks meant to inflict pain. I knew he was trying to change, knew it, and still I belittled him. Over and over. Just as I’m sure Cecily had. God, I’m no better than her.

I remember the punishment he took at the hands of Glory, just to protect Dawn. For me. Always for me. Remember seeing his battered face, his abused torso. Glory had taken great delight in carving that smooth alabaster perfection. And, there I was, going to kill him. Just to keep him quiet. We couldn’t have him spilling our secret, could we? I felt shamed when he was fooled into thinking I was that Buffybot and told me, it, how if anything had happened to Dawn, it would destroy me. And, that he couldn’t stand to see me in pain. And still, bitchy me, I had to get in a lick about that damn robot.

But, he came back. He thought nothing of himself as he agreed to drive us out of Sunnydale in that beat up Winnebago, still mending from his injuries. And, God, the insults and accusations he took from Giles, Xander, all of them. But he did it, for me. Grabbed the sharp end of a sword with his bare hands to protect me.

I remember the look in his eyes when we got back to Sunnydale and I invited him back inside. The love, the adoration, the gratitude. I dismissed it all. He was evil. And, I, I was the slayer. The chosen one, destined to kill all evil. I couldn’t afford to believe that he had feelings, that he had changed. I couldn’t take a chance. And, there was the gang. Whispering. Evil dead. Demon. Just waiting for his chance.

But, did Spike take off. No. Even after I was gone. He stayed. Protected Dawn. Helped the Scoobies. He did it for me.

Then, I’m dragged out of heaven. Lost and confused and back in hell on earth. Betrayed by my friends. I don’t know what to feel, my emotions were gone. And then, he punches me. Punches me! And, I could feel. Just a little. So, we fight our dance. Then, it changes and I want a different kind of dance. So, what I want, I get. Right? It’s not like I’m taking advantage of him. He’s wanted this. For a long time. His taunting words that I’d come back wrong play in my mind. It’s the excuse I need to allow myself this contact. So, I take and take and take some more.

Once we wake up and the haze wears off I realize what I’ve done. There’s something wrong with me. There has to be. Why would I sleep with an evil, soulless demon. His only restraint, that damn chip in his head. At least that’s what I tell myself. Never mind all the times he’s been there for me. But, I fool myself into believing there’s something wrong with my and I use him, over and over, I use him. Only with him do I feel even slightly alive. Even after I find out that there’s nothing wrong with me, I continue to use him. I make him tell me how much he loves me, then I beat him for even daring to think that he can love. And, he just lets me. Lets me beat on him as if it’s my right. God, what kind of sick person was I? Am I?

Then, I finally tell him it’s over. But, I’ve said it before and I still come back. It’s like a game. I refuse him, he convinces me with drugging kisses, melting my resistance. Only, the last time, it wasn’t a game. And, he didn’t realize. But, it’s partly my fault. Deep inside, I knew that. Knew the mixed signals I had been sending him. Yet, when he finally realizes and stopped. Horrified at what he had done. Image that. A soulless demon horrified.

And, what does my Spike do? Realizing what he’s done to me, how he’s hurt me, he runs off to Africa. For what, you might ask? A GOD DAMN SOUL. That’s what. Because, he wants to be a better man. For me. Always for me.

I remember how he held me close as those final days neared to an end. Before our big confrontation with The First. How everyone – my friends, my former Watcher, even my sister – told me that I had to leave my own house. That I couldn’t be there. Couldn’t be a part of it. So I left. I walked out that door. I wandered around dazed, kicked some guy out of his own home and laid down on his bed. And, the one person that comes after me is Spike. My beautiful ensouled Spike. He calmly restores my faith in myself, then holds me through the night, making sure that I’m not alone. Then, he pays the ultimate sacrifice for me. And, I wish he hadn’t, because now he’s gone, and I’m all alone once more. God, I wished I’d stayed with him.

I don’t know how long I sat in that alley and wept. For him. For me. For us. If my journal is anything to go by, probably two days. Time has ceased to have any kind of meaning for me right now. I sat in that alley and cried, and slept, and cried some more. Vampires, demons – they all left me alone. Although, I almost wished one had come along, ended my pain. But, as you can see, I’ll still here.

I returned home eventually. Well, to Giles’ home. I didn’t have one anymore. They opened the door when I knocked (yeah, I knocked. I don’t know why.) They were all with the whispered words, worried glanced they passed back and forth between one another that they thought I didn’t see. But, I see everything now. Everything is so clear. They never asked me where I had been. And, I never talked about it. To anyone. Only here. Where I can pour out my heart and soul for a vampire I realized I loved, too little too late.

Spike ran his hand over the last line of the entry. Tears fell from his eyes to blend with – what he could only assume were – her dried ones on the crinkled pages. Something had caused the pages to warp. It tormented him that she had cried for him. And, he kicked himself for not coming to her sooner. Even if he had been temporarily bound to L.A. and Wolfram and Hart.

He turned the page of her journal and read about how she had soon left England behind. She couldn’t bear the memories of England and wanted to leave them behind, leave all of them behind. With her sister, she had traveled for the summer before they needed to settle some place and get Dawn enrolled in school. She had covered a lot of ground in a few short months, then finally decided on Rome. She figured that the Catholic capital of the world was as safe a place as any to live. He had to chuckle at her naiveté. For all the churches it possessed, it still provided an irresistible lure for demons.

Xander and Willow had also eventually departed Giles’ side, each going to opposite ends of the globe in search for new slayers, and to perhaps escape their own personal demons. Only Andrew had stayed with Giles, slowly helping him to rebuild the Watcher’s Council. Spike stopped once he reached the point in her journal where he had shown up. He’d save that for another time. Buffy should be waking soon, and he needed to feed some more and bring the extra bags of human blood up to the room. Maybe he could even manage to nick the microwave. Once she awoke, he had plans to be barricaded in the room for at least a week.

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