Haunted

long lost words whisper slowly to me

“No, look at me! I ... love you. You're all I bloody think about. Dream about. You're in my gut ... my throat ... I'm drowning in you, Summers, I'm drowning in you.” 

He'd spoken earnestly to me as I'd hung there, arms outstretched, my wrists encased in the handcuffs and chains that had been bolted in the ceiling.  He had said he’d kill Dru, the vampire he had been with for over a century.  And, some part of me – some sick, twisted, dark part of me – silently chanted, “do it, do it.”

Then a different time.  

The look on his face as I had invited him in, tugged as some emotion I'd desperately tried to suppress as I prepared myself to rescue Dawn and save the world.  Again.  His heartfelt words came to me as I prepared to do battle with a God.  

“I know you'll never love me. I know that I'm a monster. But you treat me like a man, and that's... Get your stuff. I'll be here.” 

still can't find what keeps me here

Why did my friends do it?  Why did they think I was rotting in some hell when all I ever did with my life was protect the people around me, along with the rest of the world?  God, I want to go back.  The peace I felt.  Now, I’m living in Hell once more.

 

when all this time i've been so hollow inside

I’ve been walking around in a daze, hopelessly trying to find some meaning in my life.  I’ve come back from the greatest peace I've ever known to find out that I’m broke and the bills are starting to pile up.  The others, having seen my troubles, tried to get me work as several different places: construction with Xander, sales at the Magic Shop.  What a nightmare! I spent a little time in your company that night, getting drunk, watching you play kitten poker.  And, can I say, ick!  If I hadn’t been so drunk, it would have almost been comical.



i know you're still there

I knew you were there, lurking in the shadows.  As I laid in bed each night, I felt your presence outside my window.  Sometimes I would get up and see the glow of your cigarette as you took a pull.  I almost felt comforted in some strange way.  Then I brushed those thoughts aside.  I can’t let you in.



watching me
wanting me
i can feel you pull me down

“You came back wrong!”

The words taunted me, and I just had to prove him wrong.  I hit him, hoping with each punch, that he’d retract the words.  That he’s silently reeling from the pain in his head from each blow he lands.  That all this was a dream, and I’ll suddenly wake up in my bed.

Then he said the words that send me over the top.  And, I secretly wondered if he’s right. 

“I'm supposed to be treading on the dark side. What's your excuse?” 

I felt as if I’d been sucker punched.  What was my excuse?  I didn’t have one. So, I threw another punch in an attempt to hide the truth from myself.  But, secretly, I yearned for this.  Our own special dance.  I could never resist it.



fearing you
loving you
i won't let you pull me down

We brought the abandoned factory down with our dance.  I can’t say lovemaking.  It was too raw - too much pain and violence.  Although, somewhere inside you, you probably thought it was.  For a vampire, it probably was the epitome of lovemaking. 

And, I allowed it.  All of it.  If it wasn’t tender, it couldn’t affect me.  I could take the gratification and walk away.  So, I lost myself in your brutal touch, your fangs sinking into my neck as your orgasm came over you.  The second penetration, unbelievably, triggered my own. 

Throughout the night we reached for each other.  We couldn’t get enough of one another.  You, because you were scared this was your one shot at me, so you wouldn’t leave me alone for long.  Me, because, for just a little while, I needed to feel – to get rid of this hollow, empty feeling inside.



hunting you i can smell you - alive
your heart pounding in my head

Spike watched the slayer as she stood at the counter wearing that stupid costume and the bloody awful cap.  He could have taken her away from this.  She didn’t have to degrade herself like this.  She was better than this, better than him.  But, now that he’d had her, Spike refused to willingly let her go.

She finally glanced up from the counter, her slayer senses kicking in and realizing a vampire was close by.  Her hazel eyes locked with his.  He could feel her heart rate increase.  The “thump thump thump” reverberated in his head.  If he were inside right now, he knew he’d smell her arousal permeating the air.  Her words may speak her denial, but her body still craved him and the things he could do to her.

He gave her a pointed look; she gave him an imperceptible nod.  She knew what to do.



watching me
wanting me
i can feel you pull me down
saving me
raping me
watching me

I stood there behind the counter lost in thought.  Memories of the two of us naked, our bodies entwined as we engaged in our own special dance, played out before my unseeing eyes.  Suddenly, as if my thoughts had conjured him, he was there.  His penetrating stare daring me, goading me into action.  With a slight nod, I told the person standing next to me that I was going on a break.

I slipped outside the back door and into the alley.  Strong arms gripped my hips, and I’m shoved roughly up against the wall.  Firm lips were on mine, demanding entrance I eagerly gave.  I was tired of denying him.  He took away the void that had become of my life.  So what if he was evil, soulless.  He loved me, I rationalized.

He noticed the change come over me.  My body softening, the gentling of my kisses.  I slipped my arms up around his neck to pull his body flush against my own, then slipped my hands into his hair to play with the blond curls at his nape of his neck.  When his own actions gentled, a moan escaped my lips to mingle with his own. Slowly, his hands slipped up to cup my face as he kissed me with all the love he was apparently feeling.

Abruptly, he pulled away from me, causing me to groan in dismay.  I guess he didn’t want to stay in this dank alley as we finally made with the tender.  He slipped his hand in mine and quirked that sexy, scarred eyebrow at me. 

This was it.  All or nothing time.  Nodding shyly, I allow him to pull me out of that alley, away from that awful job I should have never taken in the first place.  If I was going down, I was going all the way.  I smile at the possibilities.

 

** Haunted ~ Lyrics by Evanescence
*** Credit conversations to writers of BtVS S.5 & S.6

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