Unaffected
there never seems to be
because what I believe
a moment i’m not trying
I think I first got it into my head when Red did that spell. For one day -
for a little while - I
was truly happy, even if it had involved a little magic. (Something I bloody
well hate because it always has consequences.) But, for once we weren’t
bickering or fighting, or any of the other things we usually did to pretend
there wasn’t a spark, some kind of connection between us. After all, you
were the vampire slayer, and I, I was a vampire. Two things that were
never meant to co-exist peacefully. Yet we did. If only for a little
while, that day.
Once things went back to normal – or what could only be called normal for a
chipped vampire – I watched you, the watcher, and the Scoobies too, for that
matter. I was obsessed, and I was far from patient. But, for this,
another chance to have you in my arms, I bloody well would be.
Then, you had to bring Captain Cardboard into the mix. Damn, it hadn’t
even been a day since the spell had ended and already you’re trying to shack
up with the Cub Scout. I’ll admit it – only now – as I stand here
dangling. The things I did, the way I acted, was because of him. I
was jealous, plain and simple. Damn soul! Makes you too
introspective at times. But, anyway…
to show them who i am
why can't they understand
the things that they're denying
they're denying…
I came through in the end, didn’t I? Saved your bloody Scoobies, your
watcher too, as they lay there drained and helpless from that spell, unable to
defend themselves. They would have been vamp food, if it weren’t for
yours truly. That had to count for something, right?
There I was, the whole next year, going against my nature. Helping you,
just so I could be close to you. Even after all your cutting remarks, I
still came back for more. You were in my blood. I just had to be
around you. And, if it meant fighting demons, so be it. Sure, at
first, it was an excuse. Then, I realized by helping you, I was making your
job a little easier – your life a little easier. And, after all the pain
you’d been put through, it was time you had it a little easier.
Then that stuff went down with that Hell God, Glory. When I was brought
before her, I knew, just knew, that I wasn’t walking out of there alive.
But, no way was I giving up the Niblet. Bitch was just going to have to kill
me. I tried taunting her into doing it quickly. Then, somehow I managed to
break free - some half-baked idea that I don’t even remember anymore, coming
into my head on how to escape.
I finally made it back to my crypt with the help of the watcher and the whelp,
to lick my wounds. Heal. And, before long I was right back in the
thick of things, even though I was still worked over from that bitch. But,
you needed my help and I’d walk on broken legs to do it. Too bad the
others couldn’t see. All I remember is the snide remarks cast my way by your
friends as we desperately tried to leave the Sunnyhell behind.
But in the end I wasn’t good enough, fast enough. In the end, you died
for us. I cried for you – I didn’t care who saw. Look at the
pitiful, soulless demon, crying for the slayer.
And, just like you asked, I watched over Dawn for you. Made sure she was
safe, protected, loved. My love for you was cast upon the remaining Summers
girl. You would have been proud. Shoot, I even made sure your bloody
Scoobies were ok. Your watcher too. Do you think they’d notice?
Hell no. Bloody fuckin’ hypocrites.
so what should i do
just lay next to you
as though i’m unaffected
I remember sitting on that cot in your basement, my back leaning against the
wall and a cigarette dangling from my fingers. I heard them whispering
upstairs. About me, and why I’m even here. Not dust somewhere
waiting for the Hoover. Vampire, remember? I bet they did it on
purpose. They knew that I could hear them talking about me. And,
God, Niblet’s words just cut through my soul:
“And Spike could've sired countless others and buried them around town. And
we're waiting for him to do what, exactly? Do something crazy?”
and who should i be
when they're judging me
as though i’m unaffected
I took a final pull on my cigarette and smashed it out in the ashtray sitting on
the cot. The rest of their conversation filtered down to me. Willow
claiming in an unsure voice that you knew what you were doing. ‘Ah Red, you lie so well.’ Xander not even bothering to comment.
We all know his feelings on the matter. I’d be blowin’ in the wind
if it were left up to him. Anya was the smart one. She knew that I
was dangerous – still am dangerous – and with her usual bluntness, said so.
Her honesty tugged a reluctant smile to my lips.
a chance they'd never give
to ever want to live
the life that i am made of
Then you came downstairs. I prayed that you’d come to kill me. I
was tired of being an instrument of destruction. I knew the First was
using me in some way. It made me unsafe to be around. So, rather
than deal with the guilt I’d feel if something were to happen to you, I taunted you
into ending it. Right then and there. I summoned all of the cocky
attitude I could muster and I taunted you with it.
But, you surprised me. The words that flowed softly from your lips gave me a bit
of hope. And, all the caustic remarks from your friends were forgotten as
you told me that you believed in me. How you could see that I was trying
to be a better man. I hung my head in defeat. I couldn’t fight
against the words you voiced so convincingly.
Then the crash sounded, drawing you away from my side, fear for your family
evident as you rushed up the stairs to find out what the commotion was about.
It was just a ploy though, a ruse to get me alone. I’m the one the First
wanted.
‘I guess it was me all along,’ I thought to myself ruefully, my carved body
screaming in agony I refused to voice as I dangled from chains against the
makeshift wall.
there's nothing left to prove
my heart's forever true
what is it they're afraid of
afraid of...
She won’t break me - this vision before me that has taken your image, your
voice. I relive the days of the past several years in my mind, determined
not to crack, to once more shake off my sliver of humanity and revert to my old
ways. I’m better than that now. Love for you has made me better.
It’s part of what keeps me sane as I’m constantly tortured just for the
sheer hell of it. Like a little torture would break me. No, the
First doesn’t even begin to know what would break me.
before they even saw my face
they knew that i was not the same
and decided i was not the one for you
for you...
As I semi-stand here dangling from the ropes binding my hands, I think back to
when I first came back to Sunnydale, with my soul. Well, I at least think
back to when I wasn’t walking around tormented out of my mind by all the
guilt. Whoever would have thought the pain that having a soul might cause?
Surely not me. Although, it wouldn’t have mattered anyway.
I went to get it for you, only for you. But, part of me was hoping that
once I had it, your Scoobies would have a better opinion of me. Hell, I
wasn’t even asking for decent, just a little less of the “can we stake him
now” attitude they always held towards me. Shoot, it wasn’t like they
minded Angel before he went and lost his soul. And, here I was, no clause
that they ever needed to worry about. But, did that matter to them?
Hell no. They’d made up their mind about me. And, what’s so
bloody ironic is that all of them, at some time or another, have done something
to hurt you and those around you.
They just couldn’t see that you didn’t have a normal life, that you would
never lead a normal life. You’re the Chosen One. The
Slayer.
You were never going to have the husband, the house with the white picket fence
around it, the 2.5 kids.
Didn’t they realize that I will love you until I am dust? That by having
me around, your time here was increased. Giving them more time to be
surrounded by your presence. Apparently not, if the cold welcome I
received was any indication.
so what should i do
i'm not unaffected
and who should i be
i'm not unaffected
Fuck it! Fuck them! I’m tired of caring what they think of me.
You believe in me and that’s all that matters. I was just pandering to
my slight bit of humanity anyway that they would one day view me as friends.
If not a friend, then at least a colleague, a fellow white hat.
Maybe it’s better this way. I know I’m going to die soon, and I
won’t have to be the catalyst for all your arguments between
your friends. With me gone, you can concentrate all your efforts and
defeat the First. And, before I go, I’ll do everything in my power to
aid you in that-
‘Damn, it looks like she’s back…it’s back…this is definitely not a
she…and it’s damn sure not you.’
“A knife, now, is it?” I mutter weakly at the First.
“What'll...what'll that...” I start, staring at the knife.
“You…you can't hurt me. You're…you're just a bloody figment, you are.
You're just...”
Then, you’re beside me, using the knife to cut me down. To bring me
home. And, I know I’m not-
unaffected…
** Unaffected ~ Lyrics by Hoobastank
*** Credit to the writers of BtVS for the lines at the end