Riley:
What are you?
Buffy: Capricorn on the cusp of Aquarius. You?
Buffy: I'm the Slayer. (Riley
looks blankly.) Slay-er. Chosen One. She who hangs out a lot in
cemeteries. (He still looks blankly.) You're kidding me! Ask
around. Look it up. Slayer, comma, The.
Riley: And you fight demons. I mean, you whaled on those guys.
Buffy: You did pretty well yourself.
Riley: Yeah, but I'm a walking bruise today. If you see me with
my clothes off, I look like a... I mean, I have bruises.
Buffy: I really thought that you
were a nice, normal guy.
Riley: I am a nice, normal guy.
Buffy: Maybe by this town's standards, but I'm not grading on a
curve.
Spike: My sodding sleeping
chair's bloody... sodden.
Spike: Do I look like a plumber
to you?
Xander: No, you look like a big mooch who doesn't lift a finger
around here.
Willow: So, naturally they're
dealing with the crisis the only way they know how: 'Aftershock Party.'
Buffy: Ah, this from the dorm that brought us the 'Somebody-Sneezed
Party,' and the 'Day that Ends in Y Party.'
Willow: They do seem to be pretty generous with their milestones.
Forrest: Well, the way I got it
figured, The Slayer is like some kind of bogeyman to sub-terrestrials.
Something they tell their little spawn to make them eat their vegetables
and clean up their slime pits.
Riley: You're telling me she doesn't exist?
Forrest: Oh, wait a sec. Am I bursting somebody's bubble here?
Maybe this a bad time to tell you about the Easter Bunny.
Laurie: ...why, so I can watch
you flirt with that redhead?
Percy: What, Rosenberg? Yeah, right. She's just some egghead who
tutored me a little in high school. I mean, she's nice, but come on,
captain of the nerd squad.
Laurie: Well, I don't know. Maybe you have a thing for geeks.
Percy: Uh, no. I like my women hot. Call me old-fashioned.
Xander: I hate to break it to
you, O Impotent One, but you're not the Big Bad anymore. You're not even
the Kind of Naughty. You're nothing but a waste of space. My space! And
as much I always got a big laugh watching Buffy kick your shiny white
bum, and as much as I know that I could give you a little bum-kicking
myself right now, I'm here to tell you something: You're not even worth
it!
Riley: Buffy. She's pretty cool,
huh?
Forrest: Yes, already! She's cool. She's hot. She's tepid. She's
all-temperature Buffy.
Giles: It's the end of the
world.
Buffy, Willow, and Xander: Again?!
Buffy (about the earthquakes):
I told you. I said 'End of the World,' and you were like pooh-pooh,
Southern California, pooh-pooh.
Buffy (about mausoleums):
Big, freaky cereal boxes of death.
Riley: I don't know what's
happened in your past.
Buffy: Pain. Death. Apocalypse. None of it fun.
Buffy: This is a job to you.
Riley: It's not just a job!
Buffy: It's an adventure, great. But for me, it's destiny. It is
something that I can't change, something that I can't escape. I'm stuck.
Xander (Upon finding Spike
trying to stake himself): We've shared a lot here. You should
have trusted me enough to do it for you.
Willow: Xander!
Xander: What? He wants to die, I wanna help...
Willow: It's ooky! We know him! We can't just let him poof
himself!
Spike: Oh, but you can. You know I'd drain you drier than the
Sahara if I had half a chance.
Spike: Stuck in this basement
washing skivvies for a blighter I wouldn't have bothered to bite a few
months ago.
Xander: Hey!
Xander: Think of the happy. If
we don't find what we're looking for, we're facing the apocalypse.
Spike (cheering up): Really? You're not just saying
that?
Riley: This thing — this you
and me thing... it's stupid!
Buffy: I know. Which is why we can't do it... the you and me
thing.
Riley: No. I mean, you're stupid. ... I mean... I don't mean that.
No. I think maybe I do!
Buffy: Wow. With sweet talk like that, you'll definitely melt my
reservations.
Riley (covering up their true
occupations from passersby): I mean, you're a... fry cook.
And so am I.
Buffy: Yes, but you're an amateur... fry cook. I come from a long
line of fry cooks that don't live past twenty-five.
Spike (to Willow and Xander):
Buffy fights the forces of evil. You're just her groupies.
Giles: Oh — as usual — dear.
Xander: Sunnydale High. If these
walls were still walls, what stories they could tell. Ew! Mayor meat,
extra crispy.
Xander (to the demon
pummeling him): You're picking on the wrong guy, dude! I had
a lot of practice with my lunch money!
Spike (on his newly regained
bad-assness): That's right! I'm back and I'm a bloody animal!
Yeah!
Riley: Yeah, I was just passing
by, and I thought I heard people inside.
Willow: You were just passing by in your G.I. Joe outfit?
Buffy: No offense, but you do look wicked conspicuous.
Riley: I do? I... paint ball! I was just playing paint ball...
and then the aftershock...
Xander: So you're one of the commando guys, huh?
Riley: Oh, no no no no. Commando, no, I mean... (to Spike)
Do I know you?
Spike (in a very bad Midwestern accent): Me? No.
No, sir. I'm just an ol' pal of Xander's here.
Riley (about Willow, Xander,
and Spike seeing him in his commando gear): But last night
with your friends was a disaster. I mean, could I have been less
convincing? I was trained to be sneaky and stuff and I'm like, 'Hi!
Paint ball. Just passing by.' I should have just given them my security
code and rank.
Buffy (impressed): You have a security code and
rank?
Riley: No. Did I just say...? This is so not good.
Spike: I say we go out there and
kick a little demon ass! What, can't go without your Buffy? Is that it?
Too chicken? Let's find her! She is the Chosen One, after all. Come one,
vampires, rrrr, nasty! Let's annihilate them. For justice, and for...
the safety of puppies, and Christmas, right? Let's fight that evil!
Let's kill something! Oh, come on! |
