Buffy Episode #65: "Something Blue" Transcript
Transcribed by Collie. (Paranoia@slayme.com)
(Oz's room. All his stuff still remains. Willow is walking around, then sits on his bed, bringing one of his shirts to her face and smelling it. Cut to UC Sunnydale student lounge. Buffy is walking through and sees Riley, who is hanging a banner that reads, "UC Sunnydale Lesbian Alliance")
Girl: Hey, thanks Riley.
(Riley climbs down off the ladder, taking a look. Buffy walks up behind him)
Riley: Looks good. (Notices Buffy) Oh, hey Buffy.
Buffy: (Jokingly) Is there something you want to tell me?
Riley: What?
(Buffy looks towards the banner. Riley does the same, catching on)
Riley: Oh, yes — I am a lesbian.
Buffy: Well, it's good that you're so open about it.
(He smiles and they head off through the lounge)
Riley: Oh, hey, you know how we were talking about having a picnic? I was thinkin' — do you ever hang out at Rhode's field? It's beautiful there. Usually not that crowded, either. I thought maybe we could have a little spread — sandwiches, maybe some ants? It'll be fun.
Buffy: We were talking about having a picnic?
Riley: So, was that a conversation I actually had, or one I was just practicing?
Buffy: Practicing?
Riley: Okay, yes — I have been known to do a little prep work before our conversations. It's not easy, you know, talking to you sometimes. It's like an oral exam.
Buffy: Boy.. that's just what every girl longs to hear.
Riley: Well, you're tricky!
Buffy: Like an exam?
Riley: I never know how you're going to react to something. That's why I like you so much. You're a mystery. Probably every beautiful girl in the world has some jerk telling her she's a mystery, but.. I swear. You really are. There's a lot about you that needs puzzling out.
(Buffy's just staring at him with this whistful look in her eyes)
Riley: I loose you somewhere?
Buffy: Right around.. beautiful.
(He smiles shyly)
Riley: Hey — don't you just love a picnic?
(Cut to the graveyard. Willow and Buffy are patrolling)
Buffy: It's just, different, you know? A picnic. First of all, daylight — kind of a new venue, Buffywise. And the best part — he said he would bring all the food, so all I have to do was to show up and eat. Those are two things I'm really good at.
Willow: So he's nice?
Buffy: Very, very.
Willow: And there's sparkage?
Buffy: Yeah. He's— have you seen his arms? Those are good arms to have. I really like him. I do.
Willow: But..?
Buffy: I don't know. I really like being around him, you know? And I think he cares about me.. but.. I just.. feel like something's missing.
Willow: He's not making you miserable?
Buffy: Exactly. Riley seems so solid. Like he wouldn't cause me heartache.
Willow: (Fake worry) Get out. Get out while there's still time.
Buffy: I know.. I have to get away from that bad boy thing. There's no good there. Seeing Angel in LA.. even for five minutes.. hello to the pain.
Willow: The pain is not a friend.
Buffy: But I can't help thinking — isn't that where the fire comes from? Can a nice, safe relationship be that intense? I know it's nuts, but.. part of me believes that real love and passion have to go hand in hand with pain and fighting.
(Suddenly a vampire jumps out from behind a bush. Buffy stakes him without so much as looking the other way. He crumbles to dust and she and Willow continue on their way)
Buffy: I wonder where I get that from.
OPENING CREDITS
(Cut to Giles' bathroom. Buffy is sitting on the end of the bathtub in which Spike is chained up)
Buffy: (Exasperated) So..you saw their faces but you can't describe them.
Spike: (Playing coy) Well, they were human. Two eyes each, kind of in the middle.
Buffy: Uh huh. And the lab?
Spike: Underground. I came out through an air vent. I don't know exactly where. I'm done. Put the telly on.
(Giles enters, carrying a mug that reads "Kiss the Librarian" with a straw protruding from it. It contains blood)
Spike: It's about time. Hope you got it warm enough.
(Giles hands it to Buffy without saying a word. She takes it, sighs, and makes a face as she puts it close enough to Spike that he can suck through the straw. He makes a big to do out of it, so as to disgust her more.)
Spike: I don't know why you're so dainty all of a sudden. You've done this for Angel — you must have.
(Buffy pulls the mug away, leaving Spike with the straw dangling from between his lips)
Spike: Hey! Give it!
Buffy: Okay, that's it. The invalid amnesiac routine is over. The kitchen is closed until you can tell me something useful about the commandos.
Spike: I'm tryin' to remember. It was very traumatic.
Buffy: How long are you going to pull this crap?
Spike: How long am I going to live once I tell you?
Giles: Look, look, Spike — we have no intention of killing a harmless.. uh, creature.. but we have to know what's been done to you. We can't let you go until we're sure that you're .. impotent —
Spike: Hey!
Giles: Sorry, poor choice of words. Until we're sure you're, you're..
Buffy: Flaccid?
Spike: You are one step away, missy.
Buffy: (Sarcastically) Giles, help! He's going to scold me.
(Spike growls, trying to grab Buffy, but the chains hold him and only make his struggles comical)
Buffy: You know what? I don't think you want us to let you go. Maybe we made it a little too comfy in here for ya.
Spike: Comfy? I'm chained in a bathtub drinkin' pig's blood from a novelty mug. Doesn't rank huge in the Zagut's Guide.
Buffy: You want something nicer? (She leans her head to the side, exposing her throat to him) A look at my.. poor neck? All bare and tender and exposed.. all that blood just .. pumping away..
(Spike, by this time, is all but licking his lips)
Giles: Oh, please.
Spike: Giles, make her stop.
(Giles walks out of the bathroom and into the living room, speaking to Willow who's reading through some books)
Giles: If those two don't kill eachother, I might lend a hand.
Willow: What about a truth spell? I'm not positive it would work on a vampire, but we could try. Make him fess up?
Giles: A truth spell, of course. Why didn't I think of that?
Willow: ‘Cause you had your hands full with the undead English Patient?
(She hands Giles the book she was reading)
Giles: Yes.. We'll have a go.
Willow: Looks pretty simple. I'll stop by the magick shop tomorrow.
Giles: Excellent.
Willow: Alright. I'll be back in the morning with donuts and motherwort. Bye, Buffy! I'll see you at home.
Buffy: Bye!
Giles: Great. Thank you, Willow.
(Willow heads out and Giles heads back to the bathroom, where Buffy is once again feeding Spike through the straw)
Giles: Um, Willow may have had a very helpful idea. She seems to be coping better with Oz's departure, don't you think?
Buffy: She still has a way to go, but yeah — I think she's dealing.
Spike: What, are you people blind? She's hangin' on by a thread. Any ninny can see that.
(Cut to Oz's room. It's completely bare. Willow enters and stops, looking around, surprised. Cut to Buffy and Willow's dorm room. Buffy is sitting on her bed and Willow is in her pajamas under the covers of her's, crying)
Willow: Devon said that he sent for his stuff. I guess that means he's planning on settling down somewhere.. else. Not here.
Buffy: I guess so..
Willow: I feel like I've been split down the center and half of me is lost.
Buffy: I know. It feels like that now..
Willow: Oz is gone.
(Cut to an aerial view of Sunnydale. Cut to Giles' bathroom where Spike is reaching desperately for the TV, with no success)
Spike: (Yells) Come on, now! It's telly time!
(Giles is on the phone. The answering machine for Buffy and Willow picks up)
Machine: "This is Buffy and Willow. We're not in right now, so please leave a message."
Giles: Oh, uh, Willow.. It's Giles. Um.. I thought you were bringing the ingredients for that spell? I really have to—
Spike: (v.o.) "Passions" is on! Timmy's down the bloody well, and if you make me miss it, I'll—
Giles: (Yells to Spike) You'll do what? Lick me to death?
(Cut to Spike, pissed off. He tries to break the chain, but to no avail. Cut back to Giles)
Giles: Look, uh.. Willow.. I think we ought to try the spell. Among other things, I'd like to shower sometime today. Alone.
(He hangs up. Cut to Spike, sighing exasperated in the tub. Cut to Buffy and Riley at their picnic)
Buffy: Driving.
Riley: Yeah.
Buffy: You seriously drive for fun.
Riley: Well, not four-wheeling or anything, but yeah. Don't you?
Buffy: Actually, no-wheeling is more my specialty. I'm an avid pedestrian.
Riley: You're kidding, right? I mean, you know how to drive..
Buffy: Well, I took the class.. Cars and Buffy are, like .. un-mixy things.
Riley: It's just because you haven't had a good experience yet. You can have the best time in a car. It's not about getting somewhere. You have to take your time. Forget about everything. Just.. relax. Let it wash over you. The air.. motion.. Just, let it roll.
(The air between them has shifted, the situation has become more intense)
Buffy: We are talking about driving, right?
Riley: Thought I was.
(They share a moment, which Riley snaps out of)
Riley: I'm taking you. Some night when it's warm. Up past the vineyards — it's going to change everything for you.
Buffy: I'm in.
(Willow comes wandering up, all downcast.)
Riley: Hey, Willow.
(Willow mearly smiles in response)
Buffy: Hey.
Willow: I interrupted. You've got apples. My mist.
(She turns to go)
Riley: Wait. Sit. There's plenty to go around.
(She smiles softly and joins them)
Buffy: Did something happen? Is something wrong?
Willow: No.. Everything's fine. Same.
Buffy: Oh.
Willow: Your apples are turning brown, the way they do.
Riley: Yeah, I guess they do that.
Buffy: Yeah.
Willow: Yeah.
(Cut to The Bronze. Swinging, as usual. Anya, Xander, and Buffy share a table)
Xander: Geez, you mean Oz just sent for his stuff and didn't even call her? That's pretty harsh.
Anya: I only wish I had my powers back. I'd liquify his entrails for her.
Xander: That's sweet. God, poor Will. No wonder she's—
(Cut to Willow, dancing up a storm on the dance floor)
Xander: —having a wonderful time.
Buffy: Wow. Way to re-bound.
Xander: I believe that's the dance of a brave little toaster.
(Willow sees them and walks over to the table, just as happy as can be)
Willow: Hey, guys! C'mon! This music's great!
Xander: It's nice to see you brought your boogie shoes tonight, Will.
Willow: Yeah.. I-I know I've been sort of a party-poop lately, so I said to myself, "Self!" I said, "It's time to shake and shimmy it off."
Buffy: Sounds like a good policy.
Willow: Yeah! And it works, too. You know, I figure, in the grand scheme of things, we're all just—
(Willow grabs her jacket and from underneath it falls a bottle of beer, it's contents foaming out)
Buffy: Drunk..?
(Willow laughs and picks up the bottle)
Willow: Drunk.. I mean, that's such a-a strong word. Kind of a guttural Anglo-Saxon word. Drunk.
Xander: Will, not loving the drowning of the sorrows.
Willow: Not drowning — wading. A-a-and.. See? (She points to the beer bottle) Light. No big.
Buffy: No big? Anyone remember when Buffy had the fun beer-fest and went one-million years B.C.?
Xander: Sadly without the fuzzy bikini..
Anya: Off topic, Xander.
Xander: Right. Topic now. (He gets up and walks to Willow) Will, how about you give me that beer?
Willow: No! Why should I? I've got pain, here — big-time legitimate pain.
Xander: We all have pain, Will.
Willow: Oh, like what? "Oh, poor me.. I live in a basement." Yeah, that's dire.
(Xander, offended, just shakes his head and walks back to the table. Buffy stands and takes Willow's arm)
Buffy: Okay, you know what? That's it — I'm taking you home.
Willow: (Pulls her arm away) No, I don't want to.
Buffy: Well, you'll thank me when you still have a friend in the morning.
Willow: I just can't stand feeling this way. I want it to be over.
Buffy: It will. I promise. But it's gonna take time.
Willow: Well, that's not good enough.
Buffy: I know. It's just how it is. You have to go through the pain.
Willow: Well, isn't there someway I can just make it go away? Just ‘cause I say so? Can't I just make it go ‘poof'?
(Buffy just looks at her. Cut to Buffy and Willow's dorm. Amy the rat is still with us. Buffy is asleep. Willow creeps out of bed and opens the trunk containing all her spell components. Cut to the bathroom. Willow has a circle of red candles surrounding her, an incense censer, a bowl/pentacle in front of her, a goblet of sorts, and three trays containing herbs and such. She is sitting in the middle)
Willow: Harken all ye elements, I summon thee now. (She drops something into the bowl/pentacle in front of her.) Control the outside, control within. Land and sea, fire and wind. Out of my passions, a web be spun. From this eve forth, my will be done. So mote it be.
(She pours from the goblet into the bowl/pentacle. A flicker of electricity connect her to the candles and all of the flames rise high, signifying the spell's success. Cut to the dorm room the next morning. Buffy is gone. Willow is looking at herself in a mirror.)
Willow: It is my will that my heart be healed. Now. (She sighs and puts the mirror down when nothing happens. Picks up the spellbook) I will that this book speak it's words to me. (She sighs again, putting the book down when nothing happens. She picks up a bent Q-Tip) I will that this Q-Tip gets.. unbendy..?
(There's a knock at the door)
Willow: Come in.
(Giles enters, looking slightly worried)
Willow: Giles, what are you doing here?
Giles: I'm.. a bit concerned about you, actually.
Willow: Did Buffy tell you about the beer, 'cause..
Giles: Uh, Buffy didn't tell me anything..
Willow: Oh, well.. forget the beer part, then.
Giles: Happily. I came because we had an appointment the other day..
Willow: Oh.. Right, right.. The truth spell.
Giles: Yes, um.. Willow.. I know that you're going through a very difficult time.. But, sherking your responsibilities—
Willow: But.. I didn't — sherk. I.. Did the research, and I picked up the motherwort, I just forgot the doing the spell part.
Giles: Well, that isn't like you at all.
Willow: I know. I-I've been off. I-I even tried to do a spell last night. To have my will done? I was hoping it would make me feel better. But it just went ka-blooey.
Giles: A spell? I don't think it's wise for you to be doing that alone right now. Your energy's too unfocused.
Willow: Well, that's not true. I said I was off, not incompetent.
Giles: I only meant that you're grieving, and it might be wise if you took a break from doing spells without supervision.
Willow: So I get punished ‘cause I'm in pain?
Giles: It's not punishment. I'm only saying this because I—
Willow: Oh, you care. Yeah. Everybody cares. Nobody wants to be inconvenienced. You all want me to take the time and go through the pain, as long as you don't have to hear about it anymore.
Giles: No, that's not fair.
Willow: Isn't it? ‘Cause I'm doing the best I can and it doesn't seem to be enough for you guys.
Giles: And I see how you could feel that way, I do—
Willow: No, you don't. You say that you do, but you don't see anything.
(Her eyes take on a strange blue gleam as she speaks the words. Giles removes his glasses, suddenly finding his vision a bit blurred)
Giles: Um.. Oh, sorry.. Um, sorry. P-perhaps I'd better be going. Let's um, let's talk about this later.
(He leaves, walking down the hall in a bit of a daze. He runs into a student)
Giles: Oh! I'm sorry.. So sorry.
(He puts his glasses back on, quite confused with what is happening. Cut to Spike and Giles in Giles' living room. Spike is still chained up, but sitting on the floor. Giles is walking around him, holding a bundle of burning herbs and reading from a book)
Giles: Elobe, enemy, be now, quiet.
Spike: You know.. not too keen about this spell stuff. Tends to be a bit unpredictable.
Giles: Yes, well, you might have thought about that sooner. Um.. (Continues reading) Let your decietful tongue be.. (Has trouble with he words) Be.. Uh.. Let no.. Untruths.. Be spoken..
(He's having a very hard time making out the words now. He gets frustrated and sets the book down, taking out a handkerchief and cleaning his glasses. Spike, who has been watching this cautiously, glances down and sees the key to the chains by Giles' feet. He slowly reaches for it with his boot)
Spike: Hey, what's that all about?
Giles: Hm? Oh, nothing. I just got ash in my eye.
Spike: Well, I won't have you doin' mojo on me if you can't read properly. You might turn me into a stink beetle or what all.
Giles: T'would be a generous ending for you, Spike.
(Spike grabs the key and unlocks himself. He jumps up, pushes Giles out of the way, and runs out the door. Cut to Willow and Buffy's dorm. Willow is playing with Amy the rat on her bed)
Willow: I mean, I'm going through something. I just don't see why he was getting down on me.
Buffy: Giles just worries. Spells can be dangerous. It doesn't mean he thinks you're a bad witch.
Willow: I am a bad witch.
Buffy: No, you're a good witch.
Willow: I'm not kidding anyone. If I had any real power, I could have made Oz stay with me.
Buffy: Will, you wouldn't have wanted him to have stayed—
Willow: And I didn't have the guts to do the spell on Veruca, and my "I Will it So" spell went nowhere. The only real witch here is fuzzy little Amy.
Buffy: I think you're being a too hard on yourself.
Willow: She's got access to powers I can't even invoke. I mean, first — she's a perfectly normal girl..
(Rat morphs to naked Amy on Willow's bed. Amy smiles excitedly.)
Willow: Then poof — she's a rat.
(Amy morphs back into a rat)
Willow: I could never do something like that.
(The phone rings. Buffy answers it)
Buffy: Hello? Uhh.. I'll be right there. (Hangs up) Spike escaped.
Willow: A-and you're going? Now?
Buffy: Sorry — duty thing.
Willow: Well, I mean, what's the rush? Spike can't hurt anyone, right? And I figured since I'm kinda grievey, would could, uh..you know, have a girl's night. We could eat sundaes and watch Steel Magnolias and you can tell me how, at least I don't have diabetes.
Buffy: Will, I can't hang out with you until I get Spike back to Giles, you know that. Okay, I'll be back as soon as I can. I promise.
Willow: I don't see the big. He's probably just standing out there. You could find him in two seconds..
(Her eyes do the blue glow thing again. Cut to Spike standing outside, looking around confused. Buffy sees him and looks confused herself.)
Buffy: Thought that was gonna take longer.
Spike: Me too. Musta got.. turned around..
(He searches about for something, searching the ground with his eyes)
Spike: Hang.. hang on, this— this is it. Wait.. no.. yes.
Buffy: What are you talking about?
Spike: The lab. Commando lab. The door was right here where I escaped.
(He gestures to the ground which is covered with grass, no sign of a door of any kind. Just a lawn.)
Buffy: (Incredulous) I don't think so.
(Spike falls to his hands and knees, tearing at the ground)
Spike: Open up! I'm gonna kill you!
Buffy: Spike, there's nothing there.
Spike: Let me in! (Dejected) Fix me..
Buffy: Okay, drop the act..
(She grabs him by the arm, but he pushes her away)
Spike: Get off!
Buffy: Okay, that's it— I'm gonna gag you.
(He punches her in the nose, then yells in pain. She punches him back in the nose; he yells in pain again. Cut to Giles in his bathroom. He's putting drops in his eyes. Buffy and Spike come barging in through the front door, Spike once again tied up)
Spike: Hey! Watch it!
Buffy: One more word out of you, and I swear..
Spike: Swear, what? You're not gonna do anything to me. You don't got the stones.
Buffy: Oh, I got the stones. I got a whole bunch of .. stones.
Spike: Yeah? You're all talk.
Buffy: GILES! I accidentally killed Spike. That's okay, right?
(Cut to bathroom. Giles is distracted)
Giles: Uh..uh..um.. Just a minute..
(Cut to Xander's basement. Willow's pacing back and forth, complaining about Buffy. Xander sits idly by and listens)
Willow: I mean, I'm going through something. You'd think every once in awhile Buffy would make best friends a priority.
Xander: You know, Will, it's not like she could just let Spike go.
(Cut to Giles' living room. Buffy slams Spike down into a chair)
Spike: (Sneering) I get this spell reversed, they'll be finding your body for weeks.
Buffy: Oh, make a move — please. I'm dying for a good slay.
(They glare at eachother. Cut back to Xander's basement)
Willow: Spike's more important than me. I get it.
Xander: Buffy's gotta find out what's up with those commandos. Right now she needs Spike.
Willow: Well, fine. Why doesn't so just go marry him?
(Willow's eyes go blue-glowy. Cut to Giles' apartment. Giles comes out of the bathroom)
Giles: If the two of you could remain civil long enough to—
(Cut to Buffy sitting in the chair Spike was once occupying, Spike on his knees in front of her, holding her hand)
Buffy: It's just so sudden. I don't know what to say.
Spike: Just say yes, and make me the happiest man on earth.
Buffy: Oh, Spike! Of course it's yes!
(They embrace and kiss and it's overall mushy. Giles walks forward and takes off his glasses, quite baffled by the whole thing. Buffy sees Giles)
Buffy: Giles! You'll never believe what's happened!
(Buffy holds up her now ringed ring-finger. Giles just stares like he's gone crazy. Cut to Xander's basement.)
Willow: It's just not fair.
Xander: Willow, I know it's hard to see it right now, but everything you're feeling is because of you and Oz. Not because of Buffy and me or anybody. But eventually you'll meet somebody else, and it'll be better.
Willow: Yeah, ‘cause most relationships are great and trouble-free. I don't think so. I think we're all doomed to badness.
Xander: We're not doomed.
Willow: Oh, yeah? Let's-let's look at your bio. Insect Lady, Mummy Girl, Anya.. You're a demon magnet.
Xander: I was just trying to help.
(Cut to Gile's apartment. Giles is on the phone, talking to Willow's machine)
Giles: Willow, it's-it's me. Something's happened. I need your help. I can't see very well. Everything's blurred. (He grabs the scotch) I'm certain it's a spell of some kind, because.. well..it seems something else is going wrong..
(Cut to Buffy bring Spike a mug of blood. She sits on his lap)
Buffy: Here you go .. 98.6. (They kiss)
Giles: .. horribly wrong.
Buffy: There's so much to decide. Ceremony, guests, reception..
Spike: Well, first thing I'd say, we're not having a church wedding.
Buffy: How 'bout a daytime ceremony. In the park.
Spike: Fabulous. Enjoy your honeymoon with the big pile of dust.
Buffy: Under the trees. Indirect sunlight, only.
(Giles makes his way carefully into the living room, glass of scotch in hand. He takes a seat on the couch)
Spike: Warm breeze tosses the leaves aside, and again — you're registering as Mr and Mrs Big-Pile-of-Dust.
Buffy: Stop it! This is our wedding and you're treating it like a big joke!
Spike: Oh, pouty! Look at that lip.. gonna get it.. gonna get it..
(She giggles and they kiss and such)
Buffy: (Playfully) Oh.. stop..
Giles: Yes, please stop.
(Giles takes a good swig of his drink. Buffy holds her hand out in Giles' direction)
Buffy: Giles, did you see my ring?
Giles: Thankfully, not very well.
(Giles leans back and rubs his eyes. Buffy gets up from Spike's lap and goes to sit beside Giles)
Buffy: I'm not crazy, and I know that you probably don't approve, and my father's not that far away, I mean, he could— but this day is about family — my real family — and I would like you to be the one to give me away.
Giles: (Touched) Oh, Buffy! That's.. that's so.. (Comes to his senses) Oh! For God's sake! This is nonsense. Something is making you act this way. Don't you realize what you're doing?
(She smiles and looks back at Spike)
Buffy: Living a dream.
Giles: He's gonna have to take a bit of time to get used to it, pet.
Buffy: they all will. (She turns back to Giles) But you guys wern't crazy about Angel at first, either.
(Spike gets upset)
Spike: You wern't gonna say that name.
Buffy: Sorry. Why don't we talk about where we're going to register.
Spike: Well, where would Angel like to register? And can we have the photographer Angel would've wanted? And, flowers Angel would have liked?
Buffy: (Stands) Hey! You think I don't live with the shadow of Drusilla over my head? That I'm not wondering if you're going to be thinking of her on our honeymoon when you're making.. sweet love to me..?
(She walks to Spike and sits in his lap. They, you guessed it, kiss. Giles reaches for his glass of scotch, knocking it to the floor.)
Buffy: Giles are you okay?
Giles: I rather think not. I seem to be rather.. rather.. blind. Completely, in fact.
(Buffy walks over to him, concerned)
Buffy: What? How could this happen?
(She waves her hand in front of his face. Spike stands and walks to the bookshelf)
Giles: A spell, I believe.
Buffy: Well, we'll fix it. Don't worry.
Spike: What you want is a general reversal spell. Gonna need supplies.
Giles: Are you.. helping me?
Spike: Well, it's almost like you're my father-in-law, in'nt?
Buffy: See? This is how it's gonna be. Spike'll even take care of you while I'm at the magick shop.
(Buffy stands and walks to Spike who takes her in his arms)
Buffy: From now on, we're a family.
(They— you know the drill. Giles gets all panicky. He stands and wobbles his way to the kitchen)
Giles: That's alright. I have more scotch.
(Cut to Buffy exiting the magick shop. She stops in the middle of the street, staring at a window display of a beautiful wedding gown. She walks over to it, memorized. In the background, we see Riley walking by. He sees her and walks up)
Riley: Hey, Buffy. What's up?
(Buffy turns back, staring at the dress)
Buffy: Riley, look — aren't they beautiful?
Riley: Um, yeah.. they're nice. A little dressy, maybe.. for school, but..
(Buffy walks towards him)
Buffy: Riley..
Riley: Buffy?
Buffy: I really like you. I hope you know that you mean a lot to me, and if things were different—
Riley: Different than what?
(She takes his hand. He looks rightly confused)
Buffy: I want you to promise me that we can always be friends, and I'd really like you to be there on "The Day".
Riley: The day when..
Buffy: The wedding!
Riley: The wedding. What wedding?
Buffy: My wedding! I'm getting married — can you believe it?
Riley: I don't think "no" is a strong enough word.
Buffy: I know! It's crazy! I mean, we fought for all these years, and then.. Sometimes you just look at someone, and you know.. You know?
Riley: No..
Buffy: I think maybe we fought because we couldn't admit how we really felt about eachother.
Riley: (Confused) Can we start again?
Buffy: You'll really like him. Well, nobody really likes him..
Riley: I just need to clear a few things up..
Buffy: I don't even really like him..
Riley: Buffy..
Buffy: But.. I love him. I do.
Riley: Who?
Buffy: What?
Riley: What's his name?
Buffy: Who?
Riley: The groom.
Buffy: Spike!
Riley: That's a name?
Buffy: Don't be mad.
Riley: I'm not mad!
Buffy: No, you are mad!
Riley: No, I am! Er.. I really.. Wow. Who is this guy? Does he go here?
Buffy: Spike? (Laughs) Oh, no.. He's totally old.
Riley: Old.
Buffy: Well, not as old as my last boyfriend was.
Riley: (Befuddled) Okay.. It's late.. and I'm, I'm very tired now. So, I'm just gonna go far away and be.. away.
Buff: But—
Riley: No, stay.
(Riley walks off, looking extremely confused. Buffy just stands there, watching him go, a forlorn look on her face)
Buffy: You're ruining my happy day.
(Cut to Xander's basement)
Xander: That's okay, mom — we don't need anymore snacks.
Anya: I liked those fruit roll-ups.
Xander: Shush, I thought she'd never clear out. Besides, just think of my lips as, the fruit roll-ups of love. (Pause) Okay, that was gross. I'm a little distracted. Willow was really upset. I shouldn't have let her go away mad.
(Anya grabs him and kisses him hard)
Xander: Regaining focus.
Anya: We just got rid of your mom. Let's not bring Willow into this. It's time for just the two of us.
(They kiss and fall down on the bed. Suddenly, a demon busts through the side door. They jump up. Xander runs at the demon and it tosses him aside. Anya goes after it with a bat, but it grabs the bat from her. Xander jumps back up, grabs his clothesline and tries to strangle the thing.)
Anya: No, no, it's a Pargo demon! Drowning it's the only way to kill it!
(They drag the thing over to the sink, shoving it's head under water. As soon as the demon drowns, another busts through the window above the sink)
Xander: What the hell is going on?!
(Xander grabs Anya and they run off. Cut to Giles' apartment. Buffy is holding the cake topper— a man and a woman, both blonde— and walking them up Spike's arm, humming the wedding march.)
Buffy: Duh dum, da-da.. Duh dum, da-da, duh dum da da dum da da dum da da..
(Giles is laying on the couch, a towel over his eyes)
Giles: So the plan is to cure my total, incapacitating blindness .. tomorrow.
Buffy: (Unconcerned) They were all out of Tagas Root at the magick shop. They'll have more tomorrow. I'm completely on top of it.
(Looks to Spike, holding the figurines up)
Buffy: Aren't they a perfect little us?
Spike: I don't like him. He's insipid. Clearly human.
Buffy: Oo, red paint. We could smear a little on his mouth — blood of the innocent..
Spike: That's my girl..
(He grabs the back of her head and pulls her into a kiss)
Giles: Stop that right now! I can hear the smacking.
(Buffy and Spike stop. Buffy sets the figurines down and picks up a notebook from the table)
Buffy: Honey, we need to talk about the invitations. Now, do you wanna be William the Bloody, or just Spike? ‘Cause, either way, it's gonna look majorly weird.
Spike: Where as the name Buffy gives it that touch of classic elegance.
Buffy: What's wrong with Buffy?
Giles: Huh.. such a good question.
Spike: (Ignoring Giles) Well, it's a terrible name.
Buffy: My mother gave me that name.
Spike: Your mother, yeah, she's a genius.
Buffy: Don't you start in on my mother.
(Anya and Xander suddenly burst through the front door. Everyone stands as Xander pulls a bookshelf in front of the door.)
Xander: Board up the windows, and barricade the doors.
Giles: What's going on?
Anya: Demons. They keep coming and coming.
Xander: I think we lost them, but I couldn't see. (Sees Spike) Spike! He's all untied! (Pause) Which you probably noticed..
Buffy: Xander, calm down, okay? If you lost them, that'll give us some time to figure this out. (To Spike) Maybe the demons have something to do with Giles being blind.
Anya: Giles is blind?
(Xander walks over to Giles and starts waving his fingers in front of Giles' face)
Giles: Please stop whatever you're doing. You smell like fruit roll-ups.
Spike: This is the crack team that foils my every plan? I am deeply shamed.
Buffy: (Hanging on Spike's arm) Spike's right. We really should get organized.
(Xander and Anya are staring at Spike and Buffy)
Anya: Why are you holding hands?
(Buffy and Spike look at eachother lovingly)
Spike: They have to hear it sooner or later..
Buffy: (Excitedly) Spike and I are getting married!
Xander: (Baffled) How? What? How?
Giles: Three excellent questions.
Spike: (To Buffy) What are you lookin' at?
Buffy: The man I love.
(They kiss. A lot. Anya and Xander look a bit disgusted)
Xander: Can I be blind, too?
(Anya nods in agreement)
Xander: Wait.. married.. I know something.. what is it..? Everything's so familiar.. Work, brain — work! Oh! Oh oh! Willow!
Buffy: (Talking around the kissing) Mm..what about Will.. Mmm, honey, get off. (Pulls away from Spike)
Xander: Something about Willow and her griefy-poor-me mood swings — so, so tired of it.
Anya: You mean I don't have to be nice about her anymore?
Buffy: Well, we're all tired of it, but what does it have to do with what's going on?
Xander: She told me I was a demon magnet, a-and you two should get married. (Gestures to Spike and Buffy)
Giles: (Coming to realization) And.. that I didn't see anything.
Buffy: She did a spell.
Giles: Yes.. to have her will done. Whatever she says is coming true.
Buffy: And you both were effected. I probably only escaped because I'm the Slayer. Some kind of natural immunity.
Xander: Yeah. Right. You're marrying Spike because you're so right for eachother.
Buffy: Xander.
Spike: That's it — you're off the usher list.
Giles: People, Willow is out there and she probably doesn't know what she's doing.
Xander: We gotta find her.
Buffy: Before somebody gets really hurt.
(Giles nods in agreement and starts forward, falling over his couch and landing on the other side. Cut to Willow walking down the hallway in Stevenson Hall. She walks into her room and is snatched up by a demon, placing one hand on each side of her head, causing electricity-like bolts to wind around her head. Cut to Buffy, Spike, Xander, and Anya walking down the hallways of Stevenson Hall)
Xander: Why does he have to come? (Indicating Spike)
Buffy: Xander, Spike is going to be my husband. I want him included.
Spike: I agree with Xander here. Seems like a lot of work for people who hunt us.
Buffy: Spike, these are my friends. Besides, it's kinda my job.
Spike: (Pats her hand) For now.
Buffy: What? You want me to stop working?
(The open the door to Buffy and Willow's room. All enter save Spike who remains outside talking)
Spike: Let's see — do I want you to give up killing all my friends? Yeah, I've given it some thought.
(Cut inside Buffy and Willow's dorm room. There's a large circle burnt into the carpet)
Buffy: This is burned.
Anya: Ta'hoffren. Bastard, he's opened a portal here.
Buffy: Who?
Spike: Oh, fluffy.
(Cut to Spike, holding up one of Buffy's skirts — an orange one with orange fuzzy stuff around the bottom)
Spike: Wear this to the rehearsal dinner and the whole thing's off.
Buffy: Shut-up, honey.
Anya: Ta'hoffren. He made me a demon 1120 years ago.
Buffy: Why would he attack Willow?
Anya: I don't believe he did.
(Cut to a pitch black room. Ta'hoffren is speaking to Willow. They are both surrounded by numerous demons of different kinds)
Ta'hoffren: You have much anger and pain. Your magic is strong, but your pain — it's like a scream that pierces dimensional walls. We heard your call.
Willow: I-I'm sorry. I'll try for a quiet rage. Bye.
(She turns to leave, but is faced with demons. Ta'hoffren calls her back)
Ta'hoffren: Our intention is not to quash your potential — quite the contrary.
(Willow turns back to him, looking scared and confused. Cut to Anya, Xander, Buffy, and Spike walking in the cemetery)
Anya: I'd been dumped, I was miserable, doing a few vengeance spells — boils on the penis, nothing fancy.
Xander: Please skip ahead.
Anya: Ta'hoffren got wind of me, he offered to elevate me.
Buffy: Meaning?
Anya: He made me a demon.
Buffy: Oh God, Willow. But, you can summon this guy from this crypt, right? You can make him stop .. oh my God! Wouldn't this be a perfect place for pictures?
(She runs up to a crypt with ivy growing all along side it)
Spike: I'm not posing for chattal.
(A demon wanders their way. Xander sees it and points)
Xander: Hey.. demon.
(Buffy walks up to the demon)
Buffy: Okay, listen — now we're gonna do this without ruining the foliage.
(Buffy and the demon go at it. She tosses him aside just as another appears. She realizes that they're just going to keep coming)
Buffy: Let's go!
(All four of them run inside the crypt, barricading it as best they can. Anya runs to the far side, kneeling down and drawing a circle surrounding herself in the dirt. )
Anya: Blesséd be, the name of Ta'hoffren. Let this space be now a gateway to the world of Arash Ma'har, where demons are spawned.
(Cut to Arash Ma'har. Ta'hoffren is still speaking with Willow)
Ta'hoffren: The pain and suffering you brought upon those you love is inspiring. You are ready to join us here in Arash Ma'har.
Willow: Pain.. What pain?
(Cut to Buffy being choked by a demon who's reached through a window.)
Spike: Buffy!
Xander: Not doin' well here.
Anya: (Still chanting) We come in supplication. We bend as the reed.. in the flow of the, uh.. No, wait.. we-we come in the flow of the, uh.. Ugh! (Takes a deep breath) Blesséd be, the name of Ta'hoffren..
(Cut to Buffy, still being choked. She jerks away, running to Spike's side, who, with Xander, has propped a stone sepulcher against the doorway to keep the demons out.)
Spike: They're strong, and I can't fight. If they get in, I don't know if I can protect you.
Buffy: You think you have to protect me?
Spike: Oh, not with the Girl-Power bit!
(The demons finally bust their way in. Spike and Xander get their asses kicked and Buffy tries to kick ass. Anya attacks the one attacking Xander and is promptly tossed aside. Cut to Arash Ma'har. Ta'hoffren opens a dimensional rift and allows Willow to see her friends getting their asses kicked.)
Willow: Oh, God. But I didn't mean to!
Ta'hoffren: But you did. This is the result of your power. You will make a fine vengeance demon.
Willow: No, please! You have to help them!
Ta'hoffren: It is not my concern. You are my interest in this matter.
Willow: Really.. no offense intended.. I mean, you've been super-nice and everything, but.. I don't want to be a demon. I just wanna go back and help my friends.
Ta'hoffren: That is your answer?
Willow: It-it is.
Ta'hoffren. (Menacingly) I'm sorry to hear that. (Lighter tone) Oh well. Here is my talisman. (Holds it up and Willow takes it) You change your mind, give us a chant.
(He waves his hand and she disappears. Cut to Buffy struggling with a demon as yet another bursts onto the scene. It knocks Spike on his back. Buffy gets pissed and kicks both the demon's asses and runs over to Spike.)
Buffy: Oh, Spike.. are you okay?
Spike: Slayer..
(They kiss. Anya and Xander are still beating up on that same demon. Willow suddenly appears in the crypt.)
Willow: Let the healing power begin. Let my will be safe again. As these words of peace are spoken, let this harmful spell be broken.
(Thunder crashes and lightening flashes. Suddenly, the demons disappear. Buffy and Spike pull away from eachother, a look of horror and disgust passing over their faces)
Buffy: Oh, ugh..
Spike: Oh, bloody hell!
(They both jump up, each wiping their mouth and gagging and carrying on so)
Buffy: Spike lips! Lips of Spike!
(All four of them suddenly realize Willow. They all turn slowly to look at her. She smiles sheepishly and waves.)
Willow: Hi, guys.
(Cut to Giles' kitchen. Willow is making chocolate-chip cookies. She's putting them on a plate Anya's holding.)
Anya: How long are you going to keep making these?
Willow: Oh, until I don't feel so horribly guilty. I figure about a million chips from now. Also, I have to detail Giles' car.
(She takes the plate from Anya and walks over to where Xander and Giles are sitting. Xander is holding up a clock)
Xander: Time.
Giles: A-ha.. Five past two. Thursday.
Willow: (To Giles) Look, cookies. A very not-evil thing I did. Oatmeal?
(Giles removes his glasses, takes a cookie and scowls)
Giles: Yes, very funny, they're chocolate chip. I can see them. I still need my glasses, though. You could be more specific and give me 20/20.
(Willow smiles and walks over to Buffy and Spike. Spike is tied up once more)
Willow: Eat a cookie; ease my pain?
Buffy: (Takes one, taking a bite) Mm. Better?
Willow: Well, baking lifts about 30% of my guilt, but only 7% of my inner turmoil. Guess that'll just take awhile.
Buffy: It'll happen.
Spike: Don't I get a cookie?
Buffy: No.
Spike: Well, I gotta have something. I still have Buffy taste in my mouth.
Buffy: You're a pig, Spike.
Spike: Yeah.. well I'm not the one who wanted, "Wind Beneath My Wings" for the first dance.
(He says it loud enough for Giles, Anya, and Xander to hear. They all turn to stare at Buffy from the living room. She looks at all of them)
Buffy: That was the spell.
(Buffy gets all embarrassed and walks into the kitchen. Willow scowls at Spike and shoves a cookie in his mouth. She follows Buffy into the kitchen)
Willow: Did I mention about the sorry part?
Buffy: We may be into a forgetting spell later. (Astonished) I loved him. He were betrothed. (She makes a face)
Willow: Well, at-at least you were getting along.
Buffy: But we wern't. I mean, I wasn't even nice. And the bad-boy thing — over it. Okay, I totally get it. I'd be really happy to be in a nice relationship with a decent, reliable.. Oh my God! Riley thinks I'm engaged.
Willow: What?
Buffy: Riley. He-he-he saw me. What the hell am I going to say?!
(Cut to UC Sunnydale campus. Buffy and Riley are walking together. Buffy is laughing)
Buffy: You thought I was serious?
Riley: Well, no.. um.. you wern't serious?
Buffy: Oh, God.. please. I marry a guy named Spike?
Riley: Maybe. We haven't known eachother that long.
Buffy: No, it's just.. I saw that fear in your eyes when you caught me looking at wedding dresses, and I had to give you a hard time.
Riley: I did not have fear in my eyes.
Buffy: Yes you did. You were looking at me like I was a cartoon ball and chain.
Riley: So you decided to tell me you're getting married.
Buffy: Uh-huh.
Riley: So, you're insane.
Buffy: Uh-huh!
Riley: But you're still single.
Buffy: Yes.
Riley: Okay, then. Just another little piece of the Buffy puzzle.
Buffy: You really have a lot to learn about women, Riley.
(He reaches up, taking hold of the back of her head like he's going to kiss her)
Riley: You're gonna teach me.
(He smiles and turns, walking away, leaving Buffy staring after him)
BLACK OUT