"Giving In"

Author: Spike's Slayer Vixen
Email: sara1pridmore@yahoo.com
Summary: Takes place after Buffy's first figth with the Ubervamp; Spike has been rescued from the First.
Notes: All lyrics by Michelle Branch's "Goodbye to You". I included the complete set of lyrics at the end of the story.

Spike was sitting alone in his crypt when he looked up and saw her standing there. Tears streamed down her face, mingling with the blood that oozed from her split lip and the gashes on her face. He stood up immediately and started towards her, then thought better of it and stopped a few feet from her. She just stood there, her lower lip quivering and her whole body shaking. "Buffy, luv, what's wrong?" he asked her, worry filling his voice. She never came here anymore. In fact, she hadn't been there since the night she had told him it was over between them. He himself hadn't been there long. He had moved back in a few days ago. He couldn't live in the school basement anymore because some great evil was haunting him, tearing at his soul like a ravenous wolf tearing at some poor lamb's flesh. His soul. He had gotten it back for her, all for her. Everything was for her. Even if it took the rest of eternity, he was going to make amends with her for what he had done. One of these days, she would let him touch her again without flinching with the memories of the night he had tried to rape her.

"It's starting," she said in a tiny voice. "It's starting and I don't know how to stop it." Her face crumpled then as she began openly sobbing now. Her sobs were deep and gut wrenching, and they wracked her tiny little frame. Her clothes were dirty and torn and her hair was matted with blood in some places. Spike's heart squeezed painfully in his chest as he looked at the broken Slayer.

"What's starting, luv?" he asked her gently. He decided that now was not the time to worry about walking on eggshells around her. He took her by the shoulders and gently led her over to the couch, where he sat her down. She didn't fight him or try to pull away, but just let him take control. She was much too tired to think about his past sins or to remember that she was supposed to hate him. He tilted her chin up gently with his finger so that her wide, frightened eyes were staring into his. For a moment, he got lost in the green depths of those eyes. There was a wildness shining in them that was not normal for the Slayer. In fact, it was bordering on hysteria. "Buffy, luv, please tell me what is going on. What is starting?" he asked her again, keeping his voice soft and soothing.

"The end of the world," she said bluntly.

Spike gasped in shock. "Do you mean...?" She nodded glumly, confirming his worst fears. The end of the world was upon them. "What did this to you, luv?" he asked her, grabbing an old shirt of his and dipping it in a glass of water that was sitting on the coffee table. He dabbed gently at her cuts and her busted lip, trying his best not to hurt her any worse.

"It was the Old One," she said in a shaky voice. "The vampire that the First set free when they bled you that night, when they used you to open up the Hellmouth. I can't fight it, Spike. It's too strong. I tried to stake it, but it didn't work. I don't know how to kill it. Everyone is depending on me to stop this thing, and I can't," she sobbed. She scooted over closer to him, leaning against him for support. He hesitantly put his arms around her, not sure it was the right thing to do but desperate to comfort her in some way. He had no words that would do the job, so he had to rely on actions.

I've been searching deep down in my soul

He remembered how horrified he had been when he saw the creature emerge from the Hellmouth, set loose by the power of *his* blood. The First had held him captive, torturing him for days until Buffy had managed to find him and get him the hell out of there. She had fought so hard and been so brave. She had risked her life to save him. Even though the rational part of him knew that there was nothing he could have done to prevent the primitive vampire from getting loose, his guilt had kept him away from her and all of her friends since he had been back. He had gathered all of his belongings from Xander's apartment and moved back into his crypt because he had no where else to go. He had been weak when he should have been strong, should have been out there helping her fight. She had risked it all for him, and the first chance he got to repay her, he ran away. Well, this time he was going to be here for her. The weight of the world was on her slender little shoulders, and he was going to help her carry that burden. "It's going to be okay, luv," he told her gently. "I know that it all seems like too much right now, but in the end, you will defeat this thing. I believe in you."

She looked at him with tear filled eyes. "Spike, I...I don't know what I would do without you. Even after all of the things I've said to you, you still love me. I don't deserve it, but you give it to me anyway. I'm so sorry for everything that has happened. You are the one person who has been there for me through it all. You were there for me when my mother was ill and then when she died, you were there to help me fight Glory. You were the one I always I knew I could trust to take care of Dawnie. You risked your life to try to save her."

Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

"But I failed you, luv. I couldn't stop it from happening. I let you down, and because of me, you had to die. I made a promise to you that I couldn't keep, but I tried, Buffy. I tried so bloody hard. I want you to know that I saved you, though. Not when it counted, but every night after that, I saved you in my head. It played out a thousand different ways, and each time, I saved you."

"Spike, there wasn't anybody else in this world that would have done what you did. I've treated you so badly, and I'm sorry," she said, her tears still flowing. "I shouldn't have used you the way that I did-"

"Shh, luv, it's alright," he told her gently. He wiped away her tears with his thumb and brushed her damp hair out of her face.

It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend

"No, it's not. I was stupid then. I didn't realize what I had, or what I could have but chose to throw away. Well, now I do." She paused for a moment, gathering up all of her courage to tell him what she needed to say. "I love you, Spike. I just had to grow up a little before I realized it." He looked at her in disbelief, his mouth hanging open slightly. "Don't look at me like that. I love you, and I can't live without you anymore. I tried to stay away...I tried not to love you, but I can't fight it anymore. Something inside me told me to walk away all of those times, when all I wanted to do was stay. I guess I just didn't want to get hurt again. Now I realize that I was just being stupid. You can't live your life trying not to get hurt. You will just walk around empty all of the time. You have to take a chance and let yourself love without any inhibitions. I'm not listening to that little voice anymore. I love you, and I'm not giving in this time." She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down, leaning in and crushing her lips against his in a desperate kiss.

But I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where
I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

Spike let himself get lost in the moment at first, returning her kiss with all of the love and passion for her that burned within his heart. Then the rational part of him made him pull away. "You don't want this, luv. You know that you don't mean it. You're just under a lot of stress right now, and you've given up on yourself. I'm not going to let you do this. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to me. I want you more than I've ever wanted anything, Buffy, but not like this."

"Spike, I-"

I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

"No, Buffy. I can't do this anymore. I can't hold you in my arms and make love to you, only to have you walk away from me again. I can't do it. I *won't* do," he said, wondering where he was finding the courage to do the right thing.

"Listen to me for a minute, damn it!" she shouted. "I *love* you, Spike. I've never said that to you before. I *love* you. This time is different. I'm not going to just walk out on you again. I can't just throw my feelings for you out the window. There are no second chances anymore, Spike. This world is ending right now, and I can't stop it, but I can sure as hell make the most of what time I have left. I let Angel walk away from me. I let Riley walk away. I am *not* letting you go, too."

Spike looked at her for a moment, not sure of what to think. "Why did you come here, Buffy?" he asked her finally.

She looked at him, staring directly in his cool blue eyes. "To be with you," she said simply. "To let you know how I feel about you before it's too late. I will understand if you don't return my feelings, Spike, but please believe that what I'm telling you is the truth."

"How do I know that you aren't doing this just because you think the world is ending?" he asked her. "Because if you are, don't bother. The world is not going to end, Buffy. You are going to fight it and you are going to win."

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with

"I'm tired of fighting!" she yelled at him in frustration. "I'm tired of fighting to save the world, and I'm tired of fighting my feelings for you. You need to tell me right now, do you believe me or am I just wasting my time?" She looked at him with uncertain eyes as she waited for him to speak.

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time

He searched her face for any sign of doubt, any sign that she wasn't telling him the absolute truth. He could find nothing but sincerity and hope on her face. He sighed heavily, hoping that he wouldn't regret his next words. "I believe you, luv. I believe you."

Fresh tears streamed down her face, but these were tears of happiness. She smiled brightly at him, relieved that finally believed her. "I want you to make love to me, Spike," she said in a quite voice.

"Buffy, I can't. Not after what I tried to do to you-"

"Spike," she said sharply, cutting him off in mid-sentence. "I want you to make love to me. Forget about the past...I have. What you did was wrong, yes, but it wasn't entirely your fault. If I hadn't used you, if I hadn't strung you along like that and then rejected you, things would have never gone so far. I won't let you take all of the blame for that night." She pressed up against him, smoothing her hands over his chest. "Now please...make love to me, William." She stood on tiptoe, planting a soft kiss on his lips.

He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her even closer to him as he deepened the kiss. Holding her again felt so good that it almost hurt. He felt the warmth of her body seep through his t-shirt, warming his cool, pale skin. His tongue darted out, seeking entrance into her hot mouth. Her lips parted, allowing his tongue to slip through. As their kiss became deeper and more heated, she let out a little moan of pleasure. That little sound drove him crazy with lust. He lifted her off her feet, carrying her over to his bed in the corner. He laid her down gently, breaking away from their kiss long enough to slip his shirt over his head and toss it into the corner. He toed off his shoes and then laid down beside her on the bed, leaning over to kiss her again. She scraped her short fingernails lightly over his back, causing goosebumps to pop up all over his skin. He shivered at her touch, tangling his fingers in her soft, golden hair. She nipped at his lips, catching his bottom one between her teeth and tugging on it gently. It was his turn to moan, burying his face in her neck. He nuzzled against her, rubbing his hand up and down her arm lightly. She arched up for him so that he could slide his hand up the back of her shirt and unhook her bra. She sat up, helping his remove her shirt and bra, her breasts spilling free into his hands. He leaned her back against the pillows, taking one of her hardened nipples into his mouth and suckling it gently. She moaned in pleasure at the sensation of his cool mouth surrounding her heated flesh. He switched to the other nipples, performing the same ministration as she arched up against his mouth. He sprinkled kisses down the valley between her breasts and down her stomach, dipping his tongue into her navel.

"You are so beautiful, luv, so perfect," he told her in a husky voice. "Everything about you is gorgeous." He slowly unbuttoned her jeans, sliding the zipper down and pulling them down her legs to reveal pink silk panties. He pulled off of her shoes, easing her jeans the rest of the way off. "Do you want to help me with my pants?" he asked her in a playful tone. She nodded eagerly, reaching out and unbuttoning and unzipping his pants with ease, jerking them down his legs. He kicked them off and then crawled back onto the bed with her, covering her body with his own. "This time is going to be different, luv," he whispered in her ear. "This time I'm going to take my time." He slid down her body, pulling her panties with him until he was able to slip them off completely and tossed the aside. He nestled between her firm thighs, inhaling the scent of her femininity deeply. He gently caressed the inside of her thighs, causing her whole body to shiver in anticipation. Slowly, he dipped down, nuzzling her with the tip of his nose. She squirmed beneath him impatiently. He used the tip of his tongue to tease open her folds, tasting her for the first time in a long while. She tasted even sweeter than he remembered. He began to lick and suck her moist flesh, earning sighs and moans of pleasure from her. He took his time, savoring the delectable taste and smell of her. Finally, he focused his attention on her clit, circling it gently and then flicking it with his tongue. He repeated this a few times before he drove her over the edge, feeling her tighten her legs around his head. Her body stiffened, and he lapped greedily at her juices that came flooding into his mouth. He remained down on her until he had lapped up every drop of her come, then shifted back up until he covered her body once more. He positioned himself at her entrance, fighting the urge to plunge into her tight, wet depths. "Are you sure about this?" he asked her one last time.

She looked at him with a smile. "I'm one hundred percent sure," she said softly. "Make love to me, William." He entered her in one thrust, feeling her walls stretched to accommodate his considerable length and girth. He began thrusting in and out of her slowly, determined to make it special. She arched up to meet his every thrust and for the first time, he had the satisfaction of knowing that she felt the same way he did. This time was different than all of the other times they had been together. For the first time ever, she was making love back to him. She held onto him tightly as he slowly plunged in and out of her, biting down hard on the inside of his cheek to keep from losing control. He didn't want to disappoint her by coming too soon. Time seemed to stand still for both of them as they lost themselves in each other. Finally, Buffy felt a gentle orgasm flood through her body. When Spike felt her release, he let himself go, spilling into her. He buried his face in her chest, and when he looked back up at her, there were tears in his eyes. "What's wrong?" she asked him in concern.

"I-It's nothing," he said, gazing down at the miracle that was Buffy Summers. "I just can't believe that you love me, too. I never thought that it was possible that someone as wonderful as you could love a monster like me." She reached out and gently wiped away his tears.

"Believe it," she said, kissing him gently. "I love you, William."

"I love you, too, pet," he choked out. "More than you could ever know. Will you stay with me?" He half expected her to say no, to tell him that it had all been a big mistake. He expected her to walk out on him again, and he really didn't know if he would survive it. She surprised him by nodding her head and giving him a warm smile.

"Of course I will," she told him, snuggling up against him. "If this world is going to end, there is no place I'd rather be than in your arms." She let her worries slip away as he held her in his arms. It wasn't long before she slipped into a peaceful sleep. At that moment, it didn't matter to her if the world still there or not in the morning. What mattered was that she had finally let go, finally let herself love and be loved back. She couldn't believe how much time she had wasted pushing Spike away because she didn't think she deserved his love.

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

Spike watched her while she slept, still not quite able to believe that she had professed her love for him, that she was sticking around this time. He smiled to himself as she let out a soft little snore. He couldn't believe that one tiny little Slayer could turn his world completely upside down. Now he knew why Angel had tortured himself all of these years, seeking redemption. It was the same reason that he had gone to hell and back to regain his soul. She made him want to be a better person, a man that she could love. Tears glistened in his eyes as he remembered a night not too long ago when she had told him that she believed in him. That may have been the only thing that kept him from giving in to the First. It had asked him why he chose to fight against them when joining them would be so much easier. "Because she believes in me," he had told them. She was his strength, his reason to go on. He kissed the top of her head gently, breathing in the scent of vanilla that seemed to surround her everywhere she went. He let himself wonder for a moment...just a moment...about what it would be like if the world didn't end. Maybe...just maybe...they could be a family. He and Buffy and Dawn, a real family. Not like the family he had been a part of with Angel, Darla, and Dru. A real, honest to goodness family. He could help her take care of Dawn...she listened to him better than she did Buffy anyway...and they could be together. And when the time came and she did die, he would greet the dawn the very next morning. Don't get your hopes up, he scolded himself. They had an apocalypse to prevent before that was even a possibility.

"We'll do it, luv," he whispered softly to her sleeping form. "We'll beat those bastards back to hell where they belong. I'll help you. Even if it's just you and me in the end, staring evil face to face, I'll stand by your side and fight until the death. I'll never leave you. Never."

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing
Are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything that I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

But I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where
I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything that I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the
same time
I want what's yours
And I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything that I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything that I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

The End

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