"Starting Over"

Author: Luisa
Email: leyjd@hotmail.com
Summary: Giles and Buffy finally catch up properly after the events of Grave S6. Truths, tears and smoochies proceed...

Long after the sun had set on what had been an emotional roller coaster of a day, he came to her.

After all the tears and tantrums had dissipated, after the rage and anguish had settled, he found her sitting subdued on the top step of her porch. The soft glow of light filtering through the kitchen blinds illuminated the tracks on her cheeks where tears had silently flowed only moments before.

Despite the battle wounds still hindering his usually strong stride, the Watcher trod softly through the long grass toward her, feeling his heart breaking softly at her pitiful appearance. How he longed to hold her! How he desired to enfold her in his arms and whisper words of love and comfort. Yet over the years, she'd made it abundantly clear that he was only welcome as a friend. The few embraces they had shared and whatever they may share in the future, he realised, would only be in friendship or duty. Intimacy would never be a part of their relationship. She was out of reach... no matter how many different angles he looked at it from; he was forced to admit it to himself. Without realising it, he let out a soft sigh of disappointment.

She looked up then, her enhanced hearing picking up the soft whisper of his breath. Her eyes widened as she realised who her visitor was.

"Giles..." She spoke his name as if it were a prayer.

Her gentle tone tugged at something within him, and he again struggled to keep himself at arm's length, feeling fresh love rising to the surface. Pushing the emotions down, he took a small step forward. "Buffy..." He felt that familiar feeling creep back into his heart, and before he could stop himself, he'd blurted, "whatever's the matter?"

She gave the tiniest of smiles and shook her head slightly, dismissing his concern. His presence alone was already making her feel a little better and she didn't want to burden him with silly, pointless worries. "It's just... well, I'm exhausted, I guess. This is me in recovery mode." The smile stayed put, but didn't quite reach her eyes.

He smiled slightly, himself, deciding if something truly was wrong, she'd tell him when she was ready. "I can understand that. It's been a long day." He took another small step closer and leaned on the stair rail, still smiling tenderly at her.

"I..." She almost explained otherwise, but that the last moment Buffy faltered - her voice catching in her throat - suddenly afraid to confess the truth, [I thought I was going to lose you...]. Fresh tears spilled from her eyes unexpectedly at the memory and embarrassed, she quickly swiped them away. [Time for a change of subject,] she decided, [before I say something I regret. I can't let him know how I feel]. Composing herself, she tried another smile. "So, what brings you here, Giles?"

A brief expression of hurt flashed in his eyes at the subject change, but was gone before she could question it. [I lost the right to demand she explain herself when I walked out on her]. He knew that he'd been wrong to leave her when he did, yet nothing could turn back the clock. He felt sadness well up inside him - threatening to choke him - but fought it down [What's done is done]. Sighing again, he quieted his emotions before answering. "We...uh... we need to talk."

Matching sadness flickered in the Slayer's already over-bright eyes as the recollection of a similar conversation in the training room a year ago tugged at her mind. The conversation where he told her he was returning to England. She felt something in her stomach turn over even after the sense of déja vu had passed and within moments she lost any remaining bravado, her voice quiet and trembling as she asked the inevitable. "Are you leaving again?" It suddenly felt painful to swallow as she braced herself for his answer.

Giles looked back at her with a lump in his own throat, feeling his chest tighten as he realised the soft, defeated way she asked and the way her shoulders slumped. He could swear he felt his heart break for her, just before a wave of guilt washed over him. Had he done this to her? She used to be so strong - the warrior she was born to be, but now she appeared only to be... [A girl,] his mind whispered, [Just an ordinary girl]. Was this broken child - young woman, he absently corrected himself - a result of his absence in her hour of need? [More than likely], his mind taunted him, [She always *was* so dependent on you]. The Watcher swallowed past the lump in his throat and tried to ignore the voice. He desperately wanted to console her: to undo the pain of the last year, to wrap his arms around her... to be whatever she needed, whenever she needed it. He vowed he would start right now... by promising to be there for her.

"I'm not intending to lea..." at the last moment Giles hesitated, suddenly aware that his current status as far as living conditions were concerned was still undecided. How could he say he would stay, if in all likelihood he would be leaving once things returned to Sunnydale's version of 'normal'? He shrugged his shoulders simply. "Uh... I... um... I don't... I really don't know Buffy."

"Oh." One word. As she felt her insides tighten in despair, Buffy could only manage to force out that one tiny word. She squeezed her eyes shut, hoping to stop the sudden tears from springing out. Why couldn't everything go back to how it used to be? Why couldn't things be the way they were before... before she died? Or before the previous year, even? All of a sudden she realised just how much she missed the days when it was just her, Will, Xand and Giles. Despite a lone tear sneaking out the corner of her eye, she fought to maintain the little composure she had left. "So, what
*did* you want to talk about?" A small hiccup of sarcastic laughter escaped her. "The weather?" A sigh of defeat escaped her as comprehension dawned. "Oh, wait, I get it. Willow."

Despite her assumption being wrong, Giles gave no response. He could only silently watch her - feeling his heart give a sickening lurch at her distress - and wish there was some way he could show her just how much he regretted his former actions.

Unaware of his internal reaction, she hunched over her knees again, wrapping her arms around her legs as if she could protect herself that way - shut out the truth and escape the pain. "Everyone wants to talk about Willow. 'Cause she's the worst Wicca ever... tried to end the world... yada, yada. No one *cares* that *I* wanted someone to talk to for the last year - she's the only person that matters. But then, I didn't kill a human, so I'm obviously not worth anybody's time. No one gave a damn about me when Faith went all evil, and now that Will's joined the 'Hit Squad', too, I'm even
*more* insignificant." Bitterness filled her voice as she turned her attention back to the man who'd deserted her. "So, what're you gonna do about her? Are you gonna take her back to England with you this time? Are you going to give her the attention she so obviously needs, but won't ask for? Will you be there for her, like you weren't for me? Huh?"

He could only stand silently watching her, guilt flooding through him in deeper measure at her accusatory tone as he became yet more aware of just how much damage he'd done.

"Giles? Are you gonna answer me sometime?" He was surprised to see a fresh pool of tears well up in the Slayer's eyes.

"Buffy, I... *someone* needs to sort Willow out. Just because she didn't end the world today doesn't mean that she's not in danger of losing control again. We need to take care of her, reign in her power. She needs so be taught how to be..." he struggled to find the word, "whole again."

"But what about me, Giles?" The tears spilt out suddenly, cascading down her cheeks. "What about *me* being whole? I was ripped out of heaven. Do you know what that feels like? Do you even care? Do you?"

"You know I care. Tell me," Giles softly commanded, his tone and distant gaze only just succeeding in masking the hurt he felt inside at her harsh words.

Surprised at his calm reaction, Buffy hesitated for a moment, before finally, truly opening her heart for the first time in a year. "It's like hell." At his raised eyebrows, she tried again. "Not heaven. Earth, I mean... well, this life, anyway. 'Cause after something that's so pure, so perfect... anything else is hell: the pain, the suffering, disease and death. Surely you can understand that?" At his quiet nod, she continued, the anger subsiding into melancholy. "I never once thought in my life that I would *ever* go to heaven. I mean, our family was never religious, and even after fighting demons and stuff that aren't meant to exist, I guess I... I never thought it really existed." She barked out a short laugh at the irony. "So, I gotta say... it was one helluva shock to wake up in this white and wonderful place, and to be told by some... spirit... that I'd received my reward... that all the good I'd done had been worth it. And in itself, heaven was..." Her eyes took on a faraway look at the memory, despite the tears still streaming."...It was so beautiful... and everyone was so happy, so peaceful. And you know how they say people are watching over you? Well, I don't think they are - I mean, I couldn't see any of you guys - and besides what would be the point of heaven being a happy place if we see how sad you all are? It would only make us sad, and that's kinda not allowed."

"So, coming back and seeing how bad it had become in your absence was quite a shock, I imagine." He spoke so softly, Buffy would have missed the comment, had she normal hearing. But as it was, she just nodded in agreement.

"And then... when I came back... I found myself in a place of flames and torture, demons and destruction. I stumbled my way through Sunnydale and saw myself... the Buffybot... getting pulled to pieces. Can you imagine what that did to me? I thought the Powers That Be had decided they'd made a mistake, and were rejecting me from heaven into hell. After all, that's what we all imagine hell to look like, isn't it? Fire and torture and destruction... and seeing your own death play out in front of your eyes. It just got worse when I realised that this isn't hell, it's real-life. My life." She added as a painful afterthought.

"Buffy..." Giles' voice was anguished as he wished he could shut out the painful truths he was hearing, making him hate his previous actions even more. How could his judgement have been so misplaced?

"No, Giles, don't 'Buffy' me. Don't you think you lost that right when you abandoned me when I needed you the most?"

"I know." Tears sprang to his own eyes and he missed the startled expression on her face as he gave himself over to self-punishment. "I shouldn't have left you. I was wrong. I should have been here for you." He finished his sentence in a whisper, leaning heavily on the rail for support and she looked up at him in wonder at the unexpected confession.

The sudden rage diminished to a small ball of uncertainty within her as she considered his admission. As she calmed, she attempted to make amends for her outburst. "Really? Gee, I thought you were never wrong. I guess there really is a first time for everything." She smiled gently, to let him know she didn't mean it in a nasty way.

Silence fell between them once more as each contemplated the other's words.

"I needed you," Buffy finally spoke up, the aching knot of emotion inside suddenly becoming too much to bear. Giles remained silent as he looked at her with pained eyes. She tried to ignore the expression, needing to say this one thing, no matter how much it might hurt them both. The knot in her stomach pulled a little tighter and she dropped her legs, wrapping her arms about herself protectively instead, hoping to ease the ache. "I needed you more than I ever had before. I needed your support... your encouragement... everything you ever gave me before, I found myself needing in much larger doses. And I *know* that's the whole reason you left, but you never understood...you never gave me a chance to explain *how* I needed you. 'Cause you were wrong in what you thought I wanted and needed."

"So tell me now." Giles struggled to keep his voice even, despite the agony tearing him apart inside with every word she said; every truth she unearthed unintentionally reminding him of just how much this was his fault.

"I..." she halted suddenly, wondering for a long moment if it was such a great idea to tell him this. As she watched his features become even more distressed, she realised she had no choice. "I needed a friend."

"But you have..."

"No, Giles." She cut him off, inwardly trying to deny the fact that his words came out on a hiccupy sob of confusion. She knew she was hurting him with what she was saying, but she also knew it needed to be said. "I have friends, sure. But they were the ones responsible for my being here. There's no way I could talk to them... not like I can talk to *you*. I needed a friend who wouldn't start feeling guilty when I started explaining that I felt like I was living in hell. And what's more, I needed someone who would just be there without questioning my every move and motive, someone I could confide in, someone who I would feel safe with. I needed someone who would see me through whatever came my way - not just because I can't stand on my own two feet, but because they would see that I have issues that needed to be faced before I could even *think* about handling other people's demons - either literal or physical. See, Giles... I need *you*. *Just you*...'cause you were all of these things and more to me for so long. I can't believe I never realised it until you were gone, but I *did* need you for more than just your research. I needed you to be... there... 'cause you're the one thing that's held my life together over the last six or seven years. I only..."

"I'm sorry, Buffy." Interrupting with a choked whisper, Giles at last sank down onto the seat beside her. There was no point in distancing himself now that his heart had so obviously revealed itself to her. "I didn't know..."

The Slayer fought to repress a fresh wave of anger. "How could you? You never asked. You didn't *care* about what I wanted or needed."

"Of course I cared! I was just wrong in my interpretation. I thought you needed a... well, everything I could never be to you."

"And who gets to decide what that is?" Her eyes searched his, demanding an answer. "Did you even stop to think that all I want you to be is... you?" That brought him up short, and he just sat, goggling at her. A humourless chuckle escaped her at the expression on his face. "Don't look so surprised, Giles."

"But... but..."

"What did you think I needed, Giles?" She ignored his impression of a codfish. "A father? I have one of those... somewhere. A Watcher? I don't think so. I'd just come back from the dead - for the second time, I'll add - so, I'm not exactly gonna be running around looking for my next mission. Or did you think I wanted you to be nothing more than a cash machine for the next time the house got wrecked? I don't think so... if I was desperate, I would have gone grovelling to my father for money if I'd ever found him. I definitely couldn't keep on taking your money... you're better than that. Whatever you thought I wanted, Giles, you got it wrong. All I wanted was you. You, Rupert Giles; my best friend in the whole world and the most important man in my life; the guy who always makes me feel safe... even... even when I'm going out to die."

"God, Buffy." The words came out on a combination of tears and a long ragged breath and the Watcher couldn't help but draw the petite blonde into his arms. Her gentle words had been no comfort, only enhancing his guilty conscience, exaggerating his torment. It felt as if everything inside had been ripped apart, his soul shattered into fragments of its former self. This was his fault. He'd assumed too much, and instead of helping her, it had broken her. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..." He held her tightly to him; breathing heavily into her neck, trying to control the silent sobs internally wracking his body.

After a beat, she wrapped her arms around him in return and buried her face in his shoulder, at last letting go of her own pain, too. She cried quietly as she released the past, finally beginning to feel both her physical and emotional wounds heal as he held her steadfastly. Gradually, Buffy's tears subsided and Giles' breathing calmed and eventually they reluctantly drew back, each aware of the healing power of the embrace they'd shared. Unprepared to let go of each other, they both stopped suddenly, faces mere inches apart. Wordlessly, Giles brought a hand up to his Slayer's face, his heart thumping loudly in his ears, his insides tying themselves into tiny knots of anticipation at the contact. Tenderly, he brushed a thumb across her cheek, smiling gently at her sharp intake of air at his touch. Moving ever so slightly forward, he tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear and brought his other hand up to tilt her chin up to his slightly. He drew a sudden breath of his own at the look in her eyes, a look of hope tinted with fear; tears chased away by an altogether different kind of emotion. Giles moved closer still, and a small shiver graced Buffy's spine as she felt his breath on her face.

"I never wanted to be your father, Buffy."

Another shiver ran through her at his low voice, leaving her nerve endings tingling like they were on fire as she realised the implications of his words and his nearness. "No?" Her breathing had become so erratic she wasn't aware of her question until he answered it huskily.

"No."

He closed the remaining distance between them, his eyes drifting shut as he covered her soft lips with his own.

It took only a second for Buffy to recover from her initial shock before she reacted, wrapping both arms around his broad shoulders and returning the tender kiss. As he gently massaged her lips with his, she tightened her hold on him, fire igniting every part of her soul. For the first time since her resurrection she felt alive - felt like she *belonged*. She sighed happily into his mouth as his lips parted and his tongue brushed across her lips invitingly. Keenly complying, she opened her mouth to him, swept along on the gentle tide of desire the loving kiss had stirred within her. She didn't even know it was possible for something so gentle and loving to be so... thrilling and passionate.

Giles moaned deep in his throat as she opened for him, her tongue responding to his. A soft buzz of electricity tingled along the ends of his nerves as she explored the hotness of his mouth. Moving a hand to tangle it into his Slayer's blonde hair, he gently pressed her head to his; encouraging the kiss to deepen further as he revelled in the sensations it produced.

Suddenly - unexpectedly - the light surrounding them went out, leaving the couple bathed only in moonlight. Both opened their eyes reluctantly in automatic response, each hesitant to end the intimate moment, yet at the same time curious as to the source of the intrusion. The realisation that Dawn must have switched off the kitchen light hit both Buffy and Giles in the same instant. Eyes widening in shock at their actions, each could only stare at the other in disbelief. Within moments, the beautiful atmosphere between Watcher and Slayer faded from one of passion into that of discomfort and uncertainty. The awareness that he was the guilty party who initiated the kiss, resulted in Giles suddenly wearing a deep blush of embarrassment. He pulled back abruptly, as if scalded, his eyes darting nervously around as he tried to compose himself.

"I... Buffy, I..."

Balancing on the step, Buffy wrapped her arms about herself, feeling cold and lost without him holding her. Her eyes watered with confusion at the apparent change of heart in this man who was usually so resolute in his decisions. "Giles...?"

"I... I'm so sorry, Buffy." Appalled at his actions, he turned away, unable to even look at her.

"What... why? I-I-I don't understand." Buffy's voice trembled as the tears started to fall.

"I... I don't know what possessed me, Buffy... I should never have taken advantage of you." Still he faced the garden as he spoke, his voice filled with sorrow. "I... I would never... intentionally..." The sentence died on his lips, as she interrupted, desperate to reclaim the moment.

"I know you wouldn't... but... but..." she gave a small sigh of defeat, "It - it wasn't like that. I... I wanted it, too."

He turned to face her then, his expression unreadable. "No, you didn't, Buffy."

"Huh?" She paused mid-button, blinking. "What do you mean?"

Giles dropped his head, simultaneously removing his glasses and pinching the bridge of his nose. He spoke quietly to his lap as he struggled to both control and explain himself. "You... didn't... *don't*... want me. Why would you? I abandoned you. A-and I understand that you must hate me for it. But please..." His voice choked up slightly, "Please don't say that you want me... in that way... don't you realise that's the worst punishment you could offer? Offering empty words that mean so little to you, yet so much to me? No. Just... please... please, don't say it." His last request was no more than a whisper.

Buffy didn't even realise that she was crying - again - until his features became blurred. "But... but I *do*," she insisted. She reached for him, her heart tightening in despair as he backed away from her as much as possible.

"No, Buffy. You've had a traumatic year, and you don't know what... or
*who* you want."

"But... I love you." Now whispering herself, her throat constricted when he again shook his head in disagreement.

"You don't." He could feel his heart splintering as he denied her. She wouldn't love him. Ever.

"I do." The knot of tension and fear returned twice as large as fresh tears cascaded over her cheeks. "Why won't you believe me?"

Slowly, Giles replaced his glasses, looking out over the lawn again. "Because you love Spike." There, he'd said it. Those words tasting like poison at last escaped and Rupert Giles was forced to face the truth. He was barely aware of her reaction; so confident was he that he was right.

Buffy blinked at him in disbelief, the tears temporarily pausing as she processed his statement. "I... what?"

"Be honest with me, Buffy. I may not deserve much, but surely I deserve your honesty. Admit it."

"What? That I love him?" Her voice rose in pitch as she spoke, clearly unable to believe he was assuming such an absurd notion.

"Precisely," he mumbled, suddenly wishing he were deaf, wishing in vain that he could turn back the clock and *not* hear her last words.

"Where the hell did you get such a ridiculous idea? Spike and me...? Uh...
*no*. I do *not* love that... that..." She flustered, unable to find a word that would describe *exactly* what she thought of the vampire.

"But you..." Giles interrupted in a dry whisper, hating to hear the forthcoming words, yet needing to force the truth from his Slayer, "You slept with him. You must love him... surely?" When her shocked silence became too much to bear, he at last turned back to face her, clutching the banister behind him like it was his lifeline. "Not that it matters now, but that's what I came to talk to you about, anyway."

Still trying to process his interpretation of the situation, the Slayer's eyes widened at his latest announcement. "Spike? What about him?"

"Not Spike. You. Well... all of, of... *this*. You see... I'm rather confused." When she just stared blankly back at him, he dropped his hands to his lap, fidgeting a little. "I-I-I don't understand how you could... love... *him*. Why you..." he forced the words past the sudden lump, "why you would... sleep with him..." The quiet hurt in his voice held a trace of anger barely being kept in check. "Why? After all I said - all I *did* to protect you from him on so many occasions. I need to know what it is that continually draws you to the vampires you're supposed to kill. I can't understand where I went wrong."

Had they not just shared something so preciously intimate, she would have yelled at him; told him to mind his own business, blamed it all on his leaving. But despite the strong urge raging inside her, she just couldn't do it. Amends needed to be made; bridges needed building. Again she reached for him, and with no place to retreat to, he could only freeze as her small hand sought out his larger one. "*You* didn't, Giles. I'm the one who went wrong. When... when I came back... I felt like I didn't fit in. I was just... I don't know how to explain it. I'd been in Heaven, you know? And now... I was an outcast... from Heaven... and from earth. I think something got left behind when I came back, Giles... and Spike... well, he'd been there. Not heaven," she added with a small smile, "He just... well, have you ever been dead? Has Will or Xand, or any of the others? Exactly," she supplied when he shook his head, realisation dawning. "I died twice, Giles. No one I know has been dead... none of my so-called friends have experienced both heaven *and* hell. But at least Angel and Spike have been dead... they've been to hell and back. So they... they understood." She heaved a deep sigh at the admission she was about to make not only to her ex-Watcher but also to herself.

"And, do you know what, Giles? I think that if the Master had never killed me, I would have out-grown my infatuation with Angel. But... but..." She stumbled over the words as silent tears caught in her throat, "Instead, a little piece of me never came back when I died and I sought it in Angel... this person... vampire... who knew what I was going through. But even after sleeping with him, I still never felt whole. Not properly. So you see? It always *was* my fault that Jenny died."

Giles' hand finally responded to hers as she spoke and now clutched it firmly. "Not your fault," he whispered, his eyes and face full of pain for both himself and his Slayer.

She shook her head, ignoring his comment. "And Spike... he was the same... I lost even more when I came back this year... I was looking for someone to understand..."

"But... why him?" Giles' voice grew even more anguished. "After I spent so long telling him that there was no way to you? Why destroy the barricade I had spent so long building for you?"

"Because a: he was an outcast too; and b: he was dead." Buffy fixed her gaze on their joined hands, feeling a soft glow of hope flare up within her heart. "He could give me what Angel gave me. He could... complete me... maybe somehow make me feel normal or whole. But it didn't work. I never cared for him... and I never felt whole. But... just now, Giles... when we... I *did* feel whole. I felt alive."

"Buffy... don't..."

"Giles..." Ready to protest, Buffy interrupted herself as a fresh realisation hit her. "How come you suddenly care about whether I love Spike or not, anyway? Not so long ago, you just laughed when I told you that I'd slept with him. I don't understand why it all matters now... or why you can't accept that he means nothing to me... especially compared to you. I
*love* you."

He could only raise his eyebrows at her determined efforts to persuade him that it was he she loved and not the vampire. He cleared his throat, trying to collect his thoughts - already her admissions had pierced him deeper than he imagined possible, yet he just couldn't work past the fact that she'd slept with Spike. He tried to ignore the churning in his gut, certain that if he forced the issue she would have to confess her feelings, instead of hiding behind the lie that she loved *him*, Rupert Giles.

"Buffy..." Again he cleared his throat, hating himself for doing this, for pressuring her into saying something that would pain him so. [But,] he reminded himself [my feelings don't matter... I must bear the consequences of my actions. What is by far the most important, is that she is honest with herself. And I must bring her to that place, no matter how much it may grieve me.] He broke from his thoughts long enough to level his sad gaze with her still astounded one. "Firstly, you may need reminding that the end of the world was nigh. I take it you *do* remember?" He barely acknowledged her curt nod and lips parting in self-defence, instead continuing with his lecture in a dry voice. "Personally, I consider such a thing to be just slightly more important than your love-life, or lust-life... or whatever it is that you claim you and Spike... shared." The Watcher heaved a deep sigh. "What did you expect me to do? Sit you down for a five-point lecture on responsibility and duty? Or, perhaps try and understand why you continue to flout the laws set out regarding Slayer/Vampire relations? We simply didn't have *time* and I, therefore, had no other option but to dismiss it as I did." By now his voice was more strained than dry, his heart heavy from the repercussions of this visit. He opted to return to the original point, hoping that it would be over soon - that he might forget the pain in a glass of scotch. "So that is why I am here now. It is why I came to discuss this matter with you, to try and understand your actions... actions that have betrayed everything I ever did for you. Yet, you can offer no sound reason for your behaviour... no love... no anything, except for a need to feel accepted into the world. And so I ask again, *why* him? You knew how he felt about you... it wouldn't have been fair to play on his so-called emotions. You *must* have cared for him, to..."

"Giles." She at last succeeded in cutting him off, a strong note of determination rising in her voice, before she quietened. "He tried to rape me."

"P-pardon?"

"Spike. I-I told him it was over. Told him I was using him. But he thought that... I mean, he didn't... didn't believe me. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I should have made it... clearer, somehow... 'cause next thing I know he's there again... in my house; in my bathroom... I don't think he even realised he was there... don't think he cared. He just... wanted to be with me, I guess. God, what is it with me and vamps, huh?" She swallowed down a hiccuppy sob that threatened to erupt; needing to finish what she'd started - hoping that it would be the beginning of the end to her painful memories. "He kept telling me we were meant to be together, that I was like him... he thought I was playing hard to get, I guess... but I wasn't. It really *was* over... at least *I* thought it was. But he... he didn't get it. He tried..." A larger sob rose in her throat at the memory, "He tried to rape me. Well, he tried to get me back the only way he knew how... but I didn't want it, and things kinda went... from there and he tried to force me..." the sob broke freely into her speech, tears pouring from her eyes.

Ashen faced and speechless, Giles could only gather the weeping Slayer into his arms. Silently, he cradled her to him, gently and steadily rocking her as she let go of the emotion that she'd been holding ever since the incident. Years of experience had taught him that in such circumstances, just to be here was all Buffy needed... especially given their recent history. Biting his tongue from commenting on his already heated feelings about her attacker, Giles simply allowed himself to be the anchor that Buffy needed him to be. Long after her sobs had quietened he continued to hold her steadfastly, lost in his thoughts and content to just hold her - grateful to be allowed that privilege after everything he had put her through. It wasn't everything his earlier fantasies had conjured - he wasn't whispering words of love, comfort or devotion - but still, he felt a forgiving peace settle over his heart as Buffy returned the embrace, snuggling closer into him.

The steady beat of his heart comforted her more than she thought possible. [It's been so long since a man... a *real* man held me this way] She held him a little tighter, permitting herself a subtle sniff of his manliness - his humanness. A small smile crept over her lips as she realised he had as little intention of letting her go as she had, him. They stayed like that - holding one another - for many long moments, aware only of the moonlight encircling them and of each other's steady breathing.

Eventually, Giles drew back slightly and found himself lost once more in her deep grey-blue eyes. "I *am* sorry, Buffy. I know it's my fault... for if I had never left you, then perhaps you would have confided in me instead..." His voice, already hushed, now trailed off as he realised what he was saying. "I... I'm sorry." He drew a soft sigh. It seemed to him that he'd done nothing but apologise all evening. "Truly, I am. I... I have no right to assume..."

"Shhh, Giles." Buffy's voice was almost as soft as his sigh, her gaze still fixed on his, her drying eyes studying the oceans of sadness in his. He gave a gentle shudder as she lifted a hand to place a finger tenderly against his lips to shush him. "It's not your fault... well, okay... maybe... maybe I did blame you for it all... initially... but I think it might have happened, even if you *were* here. I mean... *can* you relate to my... 'post-death' experience?" He didn't move, all too aware of the way his skin was tingling underneath her touch - yet she read his response in his eyes; the way that incredible sadness seemed to deepen. She could feel her heart ache for him, although she wasn't quite sure why. Repressing the sensation, she continued, "That's my whole point, Giles. You can't. No one can. Even if you *had* been here, I probably still would have turned to Spike. I think the only thing that would have stopped me doing that, would have been Angel...and we both know that would have led to a world of badness."

He swallowed hard, and tried to stop his internal reaction from showing in his eyes. "So nothing I could have done...?"

She gave a small, understanding smile as she completed his question, "...Would have stopped me? No. Nothing." She gently rubbed her finger along his velvet lips in reassurance, before lowering her hand to wrap her arm around him again. "But right now, there's lots you can do."

He lifted a hand, gently running it through her fine strands of hair. "I would move heaven and earth for you, Buffy, if I could. Just tell me what you need and I'll do it."

Her voice was suddenly full of unshed tears as she answered. "Hold me," she whispered. As he obliged, pulling her into his embrace once more, she buried her face again in his sweater. "And, could you...maybe... love me?" Her plea was barely heard, muffled into him as he held her and as the silence stretched out she wondered if he'd heard her.

Eventually he responded, his eyes closed against the night as he felt his heart clench in his chest. "I... I already *do* love you," he reluctantly admitted with a sigh. "A-and, somehow, the more you tell me that you love me too, the more I believe it. I just..." Again he sighed, this time hugging her closer to him, "I'm afraid that I don't know what to do with that knowledge."

At his words, she lifted her head to look up at his in confusion. "What's there to not know? I love you; you love me." She worked out a tiny smile. "Hey, here's a wacky idea... why don't we be together?"

His lips gently curved upward in a matching smile at her comment, yet in a moment the smile faded as he drew her head close once again. He couldn't help himself pressing a gentle kiss of regret to her temple before responding. "I... I'm afraid that it's not as simple as that, Buffy."

"What's so complicated about it, Giles? I don't get it."

He felt his heart bleed as he heard the sad bewilderment in her voice, yet still he maintained his outward composure, speaking in a calm voice. "There's just so much between us... and, and you've been through a harrowing time... I think that you need to... recover from your ordeal... on your own." Realising the implications of his statement, he hastened to reassure her, his hand stroking her golden hair soothingly. "I... I'm not saying I won't be here for you, but I think it would be wise to just... take one step at a time. As for me... I need to find my place here again. Not just in your life, but in my own, too. I... I need you to understand, Buffy, that I've given up my life twice for you... I sacrificed everything when I accepted my calling as your Watcher... and I sacrificed it again when you..." He stopped abruptly, tears choking his voice as he tried to prise the painful words from his lips. "W... when... when you... uh... *went*." [It's been all this time, and still I can't say it.] He swallowed hard, forcing the tears back down. There was no way he was going to let her see him this way.

A heavy silence hung between them for what felt like aeons, each unsure of how to progress from the painful memories. Eventually, Giles continued. "Each of us has... issues, as you call them... that we need to work through. Right now a relationship would only complicate matters... motives, even if honourable would be questioned. Perhaps, after that, though... then maybe we could look at things more... firmly."

Drawing back, Buffy fixed a steely gaze on her Watcher. "And, Giles... I would understand all that completely... *if* this *wasn't* a *Hellmouth*."

"Buffy, we can't..."

"Can't what, Giles? Can't use the fact that our lives are so unpredictable that we could die any day to our advantage for once? You think we can't be together because of our 'issues', but we *can* die - maybe tomorrow - not knowing what it would have been like to finally find love? Sorry, Giles, but as happy as I am to hear you say 'maybe in the future', that's just not enough for me. I mean, look at us. Watcher, Slayer... everyday putting our lives on the line, fighting to save a world that doesn't even believe in the things that we're protecting them from. Who knows when one of the beasties could kill us? Or... maybe it won't *be* a demon... maybe... it'll be someone driving too fast... or someone...with a gun. Look at Tara, Giles. If you have to be convinced, look at Willow and Tara. They were like... like... us, I guess. Soul mates. But if they hadn't made up when they did, Willow could have spent the rest of her life wondering about what could have been."

"One could argue, that if they hadn't made up, Tara wouldn't have been killed."

Buffy pulled a face at his words. "If she hadn't, Willow wouldn't have gone all 'Dark Magicky' and stormed to the hospital to save me, and I would have died... *again*... and again you and I would have lost a chance to see if we would have stood a chance. Giles, Warren still would have come after us, either way, so please don't try and use some weird philosophy to explain how things could have been avoided.... 'cause the truth is that today... well, the last few days have been some sort of chain reaction... and if you broke the chain some place then it just would have gone in a different direction, and who knows what would have happened... and... and now my head hurts from all this thinking," she finished in a small voice.

A broad smile spread across Giles' face in response before, chuckling softly, he gathered Buffy into his arms once more. [I love you so much] He dropped his mouth to her ear, whispering huskily into it. "Tell me... where does it hurt?"

"Everywhere," she whispered, snuggling as close to him as possible, wanting to savour this moment of holding each other - just in case her argument hadn't won him over.

Leaning slightly forward, the Watcher pressed a tender kiss to his Slayer's crown. "There. Does that fix it? Has the pain gone away?"

Buffy's eyes widened in shock and confusion. [Did it work? Did I convince him? What's going on?] A small smile crept onto her lips as she wondered the possibilities. [I guess I should check] the smile lingered on her lips before she answered. "I-I'm not sure. Maybe you should try again." Feeling his stomach suddenly quiver beneath her, she pulled back, worried, to look up at him. The quiver became a shudder, before releasing itself as a full-hearted laugh from Giles' lips. She smiled in relief as he continued laughing, even giggling a little herself... although unsure why, except for the fact that his laughter was contagious.

Eventually he calmed and leaned toward her, capturing her chin with a thumb and forefinger, drawing her as close to him as possible. "You never change, do you?"

Uncertain as to how to take his words; Buffy could only gaze back at him in curious silence.

"Through... everything..." he swallowed hard, before speaking again, this time his voice full of awe and wonder, "Buffy Summers, you are an amazing... extraordinary... woman. I've watched you grow from a hesitant - and somewhat rebellious - child to a young woman who has surpassed my every expectation. You've faced one apocalypse after another, beaten death twice, lost not only your first love but your mother also. You've survived countless attempts on your life, an attempted rape and the betrayal by one of your closest friends." He smiled gently, tenderly stoking her cheek. "There aren't many people who could stay strong after even *one* of these things, yet you survive them all. You stay strong; you stay on top. What astounds me most is that you don't commit your life to failure because of the uncertainty of whether there will even *be* a tomorrow; but you live it better; you commit every day to the best possible cause. Unlike me. I'm a fool, Buffy. A stupid fool who let's things wait until tomorrow, because if tomorrow never comes, then maybe I've saved myself some hurt."

"No, Giles... you're not stupid..."

He ignored her whispered correction, still lost in the emotions revealing themselves in her eyes. "You were right. Everything you said was true... and I don't want to risk not knowing... not knowing if we're meant to be. I have some things I need to do... in England," he moved a finger to cover her lips in anticipation of her protest, "I *need* to take Willow back to the coven, and sort my affairs... but then, I'll be coming home... here... to you. I love you Buffy... and I think that it's about time that we both started over - in our lives and in our relationship. I'll be here for you as you recover from the hurts of the last year... and at the same time I'll be re-discovering my place. Here. I... I'm not saying that we'll lead entirely separate lives - nor am I saying that we'll be... uh... making love day and night." A deep blush coloured his cheeks momentarily at the thought and again he found himself clearing his throat before adding, "But we *will* be together. You're right. We owe it to ourselves to give this a go. We'll just... we'll take it slowly, okay?"

"Slowly. Uh-huh. You're coming home and we'll be together." The summary escaped her before she'd even finished processing his words. As they sank in, her eyes suddenly lit up. "Really?" The question was whispered on a tiny breath of air, as butterflies fluttered in the Slayer's belly by the hundreds. Her quiet confidence was rapidly evaporating with nervous yet excited anticipation taking over as she realised what he was saying.

"Mmm." Captivated by the bright and hopeful look in her eyes, he found himself suddenly lost for words, only able to briefly murmur his agreement before pulling her the remaining distance toward him to capture her lips in a gentle, promise-filled kiss.

She pulled back after a moment, her mind hazy with whirling emotion, her lips tingling from his gentle caress. "So... this is it? We're really gonna start over? Together?" The tingle worked its way through every fibre of her being, bringing fresh tears to her eyes - although this time they were of happiness, instead of sorrow.

"Yes, my love, we are." A wide smile stretched across his lips joined by pure happiness shining from his eyes, as peace and joy surged through him. The rush of emotion propelled him to his feet, and he extended a hand to help her up. "Now, let's get you inside, before it gets cold."

She took the proffered hand, and allowed him to lift her up to him. For a long moment they stood silently on the steps, their faces only a breath apart, content to simply be within the presence of the other. Smiling tenderly at each other, Watcher and Slayer allowed their eyes to unearth and express the love and devotion that had been buried for so long. Even as they broke apart, their fingers remained laced together and they moved to stand before the back door in intimate silence. With her free hand, Buffy moved to open the door, but midway in her intent, she halted, turning instead to face to him once again.

"Giles?"

"Yes, Buffy?" A gentle smile played on his lips, his twinkling with undisguised merriment at the same time, as he realised she would want quite a different 'good-night' than they were used to.

"That stuff you said that you need to do." As she spoke, she wrapped her arms around his waist and gazed up at him, her eyes now full of questions.

"What about it?" The soft smile stayed on his lips as he wrapped his arms about her in return.

"You don't need to need to do it right now, do you?"

"No... why?"

"I'd just... I'd really like it if you could stay here tonight... with me." She paused for a second, wondering how to phrase her request, but hurried to correct herself as he almost interrupted her. "I-I-I know we agreed that we'd take it slow, but, I just..." Her voice quietened and she leant her head against his chest. "It would be kinda nice to know I'm safe for once. To not wake up in Spike's arms, or... wake up thinking I'm in my coffin again." Again, she lifted her head so that she could look up into his eyes, "I'd like it a lot if I could wake up in *your* arms instead. Not...naked or anything..." a soft pink suddenly tinted her cheeks as the possibilities flitted through her mind, "but, if you could just be there, holding me. Would that... would it be alright with you if you just held me through the night?"

For what seemed like an eternity, he held her in reflective silence, his mind marvelling at how someone so confident in life could be so uncertain in love. [But, then... she's had a dreadful year.] He fought to swallow past the sudden lump in his throat as her explanations of the evening filtered through his tired brain, the painful home truths she had told him bringing fresh moisture to his eyes. He couldn't help but bring a hand from her shoulder to her cheek - cradling her face in his palm - as he gazed down at her, silently repenting once more for leaving her to such a fate.

Buffy watched as his green eyes glistened and suddenly she wished she could run far away - her heart pounding in her ears - fearing that the sorrow she saw was really rejection. [I shouldn't have asked him. I shouldn't have asked him. I'm moving too fast]. Torn, she could only reach up to cover his hand with hers, her gaze piercing his in hopes of finding reassurance.

As he noticed the sudden panic in her eyes, Giles silently drew up his free hand to cup the other side of her face and did the only thing he could think of that would put her fears to bed for once and for all. Without a word, he tilted Buffy's face further upward and brought it to meet his lips. Lovingly, he pressed feather-light kisses to her forehead, the bridge of her nose and her nose-tip before at last placing a tender and lingering kiss upon her lips. Eventually he released her, smiling softly at her slightly dazed expression and stepped forward to open the door, before capturing her small frame in his embrace once more.

He smiled tenderly down at her and inclined his head toward the doorway.

"Lead the way."

The End

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