Synopsis:
Buffy gets a bad feeling about the sexy new substitute, but
Xander, who has a really good feeling about the woman, may
end up in her clutches.
Written by: David Greenwalt
Directed by: Bruce Seth Green
Original Airdate: March 25, 1997
Destructo Girl Recap:
At the Bronze, people are screaming and running around because
of a vampire, which isn't all that unusual in Sunnydale. What
is unusual, though, is that Buffy is one of them. The
vampire easily backs her against a pole, where she gives a
girly whimper before throwing two "punches" (and I use that
term loosely) at the vamp's face that, not surprisingly, don't
faze him. She gets tossed onto the pool table and is about
to be vampmeat when Xander appears, pulling the vampire off
her and kicking his ass. Buffy's all impressed as Xander pulls
her up off the table. Seeing that he hurt his hand, she worries
that he might not be able to finish playing his guitar solo
(and, Xander helpfully adds "kiss [her] like [she's] never
been kissed before" to that, blech). He jumps back on the
stage and continues on with his solo as Buffy stands at the
end of the stage, gazing up adoringly at him. Are we in some
warped other dimension where Buffy is a wuss and Xander is
actually cool? Nope. Unless that's how you want to refer to
Xander's brain (which would work). He's dreaming. It all makes
sense now!
Buffy and Xander are actually in science class with Willow and a bunch of other students, and they are supposed to be watching a slide show about ants in the front of the room. Man, I miss high school. The sad thing is, I truly do. Anyway, just in case you were starting to say, "Hey, maybe Xander really is cool!" Buffy is quietly telling him to clean the drool off his face.
The lights come back on and the teacher, Dr. Gregory, walks towards the back of the room before facing Buffy. In their homework the night before, they were supposed to have read about the two ways that ants communicate. Buffy, most likely, was busy slaying vampires or at the Bronze or something else that was more important (Seriously… why does she need to know the ways ants communicate. I am twenty-three years old and if I didn't know, it wouldn't change one thing about my whole life. At least if she was dancing at the Bronze, she was burning calories.) because when he asks her to tell him the two ways, she's clueless. Luckily, his back is to the table where Willow and Xander sit, so Willow uses Xander to demonstrate touch and smell. Only Buffy says touch and B.O. Don't ask me why. Perhaps it was because she was kinda nervous, with the whole class looking on and the teacher putting her under pressure. But it doesn't matter, because Dr. Gregory knew Willow was helping all along.
The bell rings and everyone quickly gathers their stuff to leave. Dr. Gregory asks to see Buffy. Buffy nods, figuring she is about to hear some speech about her doing this or that wrong for the fiftieth time. He informs her that Principal Flutie showed him her permanent record. However, instead of telling her she's a bad kid or a troublemaker or whatever, he says he doesn't care. He can tell she's smart and if she did the homework, she'd do great in the class so he wants her to make the principal "eat that permanent record." Aww, Dr. Gregory is, like, the only cool adult on the show besides Giles! Buffy is encouraged and pleasantly surprised, leaving with a smile.
Alone, Dr. Gregory flips off the lights and starts going through his slides using a slide viewing plate. As he does so, something creepy moves in the background. He's too busy with the slides to notice, though, until a creepy claw thing reaches around and grabs him.
Song.
We're at the Bronze again and Xander half-dances his way through the crowd before standing at the end of the stage. This is definitely reality, though, because the singer gives him a "you're diseased" look. Hehe. Xander meanders on out of there and over to the bar, where Blayne (dude from the science class, sits next to Buffy… didn't really do anything important so I didn't mention him before) is bragging about how many chicks he has slept with. Xander makes a jab at him and Blayne retaliates by putting Xander on the spot and asking how many times he's scored. Xander gets flustered and, spotting Buffy and Willow, rushes over and puts his arms around them. Buffy asks what he is doing and Xander explains that Blayne dissed him for so obviously still being a virgin and now he needs to prove his manliness. Willow is more than eager to help, cuddling into him. Xander looks over his shoulder and winks… and Blayne and his friend actually buy it. Um… maybe they need to get into the special ed program at Sunnydale High. However, Buffy kinda ruins it when she spots Angel and forgets Xander is even there as she walks over to him. Willow and Xander watch on, wondering whom she is talking to. Willow deduces that it's Angel and Xander complains that Buffy never said Angel is buff and attractive. This is my first hint that Xander may be gay or at least bisexual. Because I am not sure straight men say buff. But I could be wrong. Not about Xander's sexual orientation, but about the buff thing.
Anyway, Buffy goes up to Angel, making quips about how she knows he is not there for a social call, but instead has to warn her about something. He notices she is cold and takes off his leather jacket and gives it to her. Oh, David Boreanaz, why did you have to let yourself go? You were so damn sexy! You know, when I first saw this (and didn't, you know, hate Angel so I was all pro-B/A) I would just melt into a puddle in this scene. Sigh, days gone by. But I am drifting off. Xander and Willow continue to watch on. Xander's not pleased with what he is seeing. Buffy notices some big scratches on Angel's arm and asks him what happened. He tells her he wasn't paying attention and warns her that a demon she refers to as "Fork Guy" is coming. And I won't even comment on the terrible delivery of the lines or his lack of facial expressions. Except to say that.
The next day, Buffy is walking with Giles outside the school, telling him what Angel said. He finds Angel's warning vague, asking if that's all he said - Fork Guy. Buffy replies, "That's all Cryptic Guy said: Fork Guy." Giles chuckles that there are too many guys in her life before complaining about the sunny, beautiful day. I kind of know what he means. I like it when it rains. As he turns to go, Xander appears to inform them that there will be no Dr. Gregory in school that day because he is missing. Buffy and Willow worry, since, after all, he's one of the only teachers that is nice to Buffy. Xander apologizes, but quickly gets distracted when he spots an attractive older woman (older in the sense that she's no student… but not mom-age old) in a short skirt strutting towards them. She asks Xander to help her find science room 109. However, even though he goes there every day, Xander can't remember where it is. Buffy and Willow, amused, offer no help. Unfortunately for Xander, Blayne appears and offers to take her, managing to work in the comment that he took all-city last year for the football team. That explains how he could possibly believe Xander was actually dating Willow and Buffy.
Later, Willow and Buffy are walking into the science classroom where the woman from before is writing on the chalkboard. Buffy notices Dr. Gregory's glasses on the floor and picks them up, wondering why he would have just left them there if he dropped them. She and Willow go to their seats and the woman introduces herself as Natalie French, the substitute teacher for Dr. Gregory. She begins talking about the praying mantis, saying that it is forced to live alone. She asks Buffy if she knows why (poor Buffy… for some reason, they all call on her) and she says it might be because it's so ugly. Miss French gets a little defensive, if you know what I mean (and I think you do) and says there is nothing ugly about them. They live alone because they are cannibals. There are over 1800 species of them and in all of them; the female is the larger and more aggressive sex. I know this is kinda… boring. But it's important for later and I figure I should explain in case some really ignorant people are reading this.
Miss French thinks it would be a good idea for them to make some model praying mantis eggs sacks for the science fair. I've never heard of a sub doing something so involved unless it was a long term one and since they had said nothing about that, it sounds weird to me, but whatever. Does anyone think she is really just an innocent substitute teacher? Anyway, she asks for volunteers to help her after school and, not surprisingly, every male in the class raises their hand.
In the cafeteria, Willow and Buffy are complaining about having to eat hot dog surprise as Xander wonders what it is about him that Miss French noticed. Apparently, he was chosen to help with the egg sacks and he seems to think it's more of a date than a dorky craft project. Willow and Buffy are still amused, as the latter tells him she knows exactly what an older woman sees in a younger man - he's too dumb to wonder why she can't find a man her own age and too desperate to care about the surgical improvements. Xander gasps, "What surgical improvements?" Blayne appears, rubbing it in that he gets to meet with Miss French that afternoon and Xander has to wait for the next day, but Xander gets a halfway decent retort in. Buffy is grabbing some utensils when Cordelia rushes in, bumping into Buffy and making a rude comment like Buffy was the one in the wrong (shocker, huh?) and goes behind the counter, showing a lunch lady her note that says she has a medically prescribed lunch. She opens a refrigerator door to find Dr. Gregory's headless body. I mean, if you have any doubt, it still has the white lab coat on it that says, "Dr. Gregory." Buffy, Willow and Xander rush over and look in the fridge, horror stricken.
Cut to the library. Giles pours a glass of water and brings it over to the stairs where Buffy and Willow are seated with sad looks on their faces. He hands it to Buffy, who has been crying and tells her to drink it. She says "No, thank you," before taking a sip. Xander is also deeply affected; not crying, but it was obviously a shocking sight for him. Willow wonders who would have wanted to kill Dr. Gregory and Giles says he didn't know of any enemies he had on the staff. He was a civilized man and Giles liked him. Willow says they will find out who did this and stop them; Buffy agrees. Xander brings up an interesting question, wondering where Dr. Gregory's head is. Buffy suddenly recalls that Angel warned her something was coming, which leads them all to wonder if this was also the work of Fork Guy. Giles informs them that in his research on the Master, he found a reference to a vampire that displeased him and cut off his own hand in penance. Buffy wonders if perhaps he replaced the hand with a fork. Giles mentions that a homeless man was practically shredded in Weatherly Park a few nights earlier, but it doesn't sound very similar to what happened with Dr. Gregory. Realizing there could be two different baddies out there killing people at the same time, Xander says they are on Monster Island. Buffy says that they live on a Hellmouth… then realizes it pretty much is the same thing. The wheels in her head are turning and she asks where the homeless man was killed. Giles doesn't think she is in the right state of mind for patrolling and makes her promise not to. With a smile, Buffy replied, "Cross my heart."
It's Weatherly Park that night, and Buffy is climbing the fence. She wanders around to look for something suspicious and is startled when a homeless man comes up to her, a bag with some kind of beverage (I'll take a wild guess and say some kind of alcohol) in it. He warns her that she shouldn't be in the park at night because it's dangerous before leaving. Buffy moves on, seeing a body on the ground. However, she discovers it is just another bum, this one sleeping. She continues on through the park, looking through around for Fork Guy. She finds some loose branches and stuff that are covering a sewer access hole and moves them, only to have Fork Guy jump out at her. Turns out that "fork" is an understatement. It's more like a metal claw. They fight, but are interrupted when they hear voices and see lights coming their way. It turns out the police have staked out the park. Fork Guy takes off as Buffy hesitates, trying to decide what to do. In the end, she goes after him.
Fork Guy reaches the edge of the park and jumps the fence as Natalie French walks by, bags of groceries in her arms. He heads after her as Buffy runs to the fence and watches on, helpless. Miss French, though, is unfazed. She simply turns and looks at the vampire, he hisses and backs up before running away and climbing into a sewer hole. Natalie continues on her way home as Buffy watches in disbelief.
The next day in the library, Giles scolds Buffy for going out patrolling after she said she wouldn't. Buffy nonchalantly admits she lied and is a bad person, but says it's time to move on. He asks if she saw someone with a fork and is surprised when she tells him it was more like "a jumbo claw." When she tells him about what happened with Miss French, Giles is stunned and agrees with Buffy that she must not be some ordinary substitute teacher. He suggests they keep an eye on her, so Buffy says she better get to class.
However, Principal Flutie stops her, as she was one of the students present when they found Dr. Gregory. Despite her protests, he insists that she see a crisis counselor instead of going to class. Bummed, she sits in a chair outside the counselor's office and waits as Cordelia tells the counselor how she lost way more weight since seeing the body than she did on that diet. Somehow, I don't see that diet catching on quit like the Dr. Atkins one, but it could be me.
In science class, the students are having a pop quiz. Miss French is walking through the classroom and peers over Xander's shoulder, whispering the correct answer to on of the questions in his ear. In the hall, Buffy rushes up to the door and looks in the window, complaining when she realizes they are having a pop quiz. Sensing her presence, Natalie turns her head around. Completely around. You know, in an unnatural way. Buffy's eyes widen before she quickly rolls away from the window.
Buffy and Willow enter the library as Buffy tells her what she saw Miss French do. When she asks where Blayne, who worked with her one-on-one the day before, is, Willow doesn't have an answer. She asks Giles if he has had any luck, but he says he hasn't a creature that could scare a vampire like that yet. She tells him to try looking for one that can turn it's head all the way around. Giles tells her that no human can do that and Buffy tells him that some insects can before running up the stairs to the stacks. Giles asks her what she is going to do and she replies, "My homework," before running back and asking, "Where are the books on bugs?"
In the science room, Miss French is making herself a sandwich when Xander comes in, ready to work on the project. She apologizes and explains that she has a teacher's conference in half an hour and left the paper-mâché and paint at home. Buffy was right about young guys being dumb, because Xander buys that a substitute teacher has to do that stuff. He happily agrees to come to her home that night instead, pumping his fists in the air and exclaiming, "Yes!" as soon as he is out of the room. Alone again, Natalie opens up a Tupperware container and sprinkles live crickets all over her piece of bread. She folds the bread in half and takes a bite, savoring the insecty goodness. Um… yum?
Back in the library, Buffy has deduced that Miss French is actually a praying mantis. However, convincing Giles and Willow of that takes some worse. The whole thing where she looks human makes them skeptical. Giles says she would have to be some kind of shape shifter or something, and recalls a friend of his from Oxford named Carlyle, who had degrees in entomology and mythology, speaking of some sort of beast before he went mad. Willow wigs when she sees Blayne's mother called the school the day before when Blayne never came home after his session with Miss French. Buffy calms her down and says she will go warn Xander while Willow hacks into the coroner's office to look at Dr. Gregory's autopsy reports. Giles heads to his office to try and call Carlyle, but stops to ask if hacking into the coroner's office is legal. Buffy and Willow both quickly assure him it is, making him realize it isn't, so he replies, "Right. Wasn't here, didn't see it, couldn't have stopped you." Hehe.
Buffy catches up with Xander and tries to stop him from going to see Miss French, explaining that she suspects she's not human at all, but actually part of the insect family. Xander thinks she is just jealous, though. And then he gets defensive, assuring her that a real human woman could possibly find him attractive and that he realizes it's "no mystery guy handing out leather jackets," like Angel. And he calls Angel a girlie name, which I don't think is true… I have met more men named Angel than women. But anyway, Buffy's kind of confused about why Xander got to talking about Angel, 'cause of how she doesn't realize Xander has this huge crush on her. However, she doesn't get a chance to make Xander explain it because he books it on out of there.
That night, Xander arrives at Miss French's home where she has just poured two martinis and is wearing a tight, low cut black dress. Man, he is clueless if he honestly thinks a real teacher (who's not, you know… nutty) would do this. Apparently, he is that clueless because he happily sits down with her and takes one of the martinis, chugging it. Now, I have never had a martini, but I am pretty sure it's a sipping drink. Anyway, he starts babbling on and on, the way Xander likes to do, until Natalie starts inquiring as to whether or not he's been with a woman. At first he tries to lie before just coming out and telling her the truth - he's a virgin. Xander thinks he hears someone crying, but Natalie just distracts him by touching his hands. And that just brings him back to his dream about Buffy, whom he declares his love for. And I have to give Natalie props, because she just smiles. Most women might be a tad bit upset. But then again, she's not a woman. And just in case you forgot that… her hands turn into those of a praying mantis. Xander sees, but was obviously drugged with the martini and he is soon on the floor, unconscious, being dragged away by the claws.
Xander comes to in a cage in what is apparently Natalie French's basement. Looking around, he sees a giant praying mantis preparing it's nest a few yards away. He calls it Miss French and sure enough, Natalie French's voice replies, "Please, call me Natalie."
In his office, Giles is on the phone, ordering someone to unstrap Carlyle and bring him to the phone, regardless of the time.
Outside in the library, Willow manages to get Dr. Gregory's coroner's report at last, complete with icky color pictures. She and Buffy look and see that he did have bite marks that would match the ones made by a praying mantis. Buffy explains that is how they feed… and it's also how they mate. Willow frets that she likes Xander's head and doesn't want it bitten off. Buffy assures her that all is well, as she saw Xander leave the school. Neither of them are aware of Xander's plans to meet Natalie French in her home.
Back in the basement, Xander shrinks to the back of the cage and discovers that Blayne is in a cage right beside his. Blayne is freaking out and explains what she does - she will take one of them out of their cage, tie them up and lay her eggs before she starts mating with them. And then in the middle of it, she bites their head off. Well, he doesn't say it, but when you combine what Buffy said with what Blayne said, you get the idea. But I digress. Xander tells Blayne that they will get out of it and everything will be okay. Blayne asks if he has a plan. Xander tells him to let him perfect it. Blayne and I both know he's full of shit and Blayne freaks out while I roll my eyes.
Back in his office, Giles has managed to get Carlyle on the telephone. Apparently, Carlyle did know about the creature and was able to offer information on it. Giles tells him he was right all along… just not about his mother coming back as a Pekinese. He gets off the phone with him and comes out to talk to Buffy and Willow, explaining to them how Carlyle first discovered this creature he called the "she-mantis" and starts getting into various cultures and their different versions of it before Buffy tells him to get to the point, which is that the she-mantis disguises herself as a beautiful woman before luring virgins back to her nest. Buffy figures it's probably not a problem for Xander since he must not be… before Willow declares that Xander's going to die. As she goes to the phone, Buffy and Giles discuss ways to kill it. Carlyle suggested cleaving all body parts with a sharp blade. Giles tells her she has to be swift, because the beast is very dangerous. Buffy figures she should be okay, if Giles' friend faced it and is okay. Giles points out that Carlyle's out of his mind now. Willow hangs up the phone and fearfully announces that Xander isn't home, he told his mother he was going to his teacher's house to work on a science project, but unfortunately, didn't leave an address. Buffy tells her to get the address off the substitute rolls before she orders Giles to record bat sonar, since bats eat mantises and the sonar messes their nervous systems up. Giles is unsure of where to find the sound, but Buffy directs him to the vid library, assuring him that "it's dark and musty, you'll feel right at home." Meanwhile, she busies herself by getting weapons.
In the basement, Xander manages to pull one of the bars in his cage out. Unfortunately, it's only a bar that separates his cage from Blayne's, so he can't actually get free. Blayne asked what he did that for, to which Xander explains that it's a weapon. And since the mantis has turned around and is facing them… he'll probably need it.
Buffy comes in the library with a bag full of weapons. Willow tells her she is getting the address as Giles complains that recording bat sonar is similar to "having one's teeth drilled." Buffy grabs the tape recorder from him and says, "Let's roll." As they head out, Willow tells them that Natalie French is ninety years old, according to her file. Giles comments that she is extremely well preserved.
Back in the basement, Blayne wigs out and climbs into Xander's cage, telling her that Xander is the one that broke the cage and begging her to take Xander and not him. What a prince.
Giles pulls his car into Miss French's driveway and he, Buffy and Willow rush out and to the front door. Before Buffy can kick it in, it opens to reveal an old lady. They tell her they are looking for Natalie French, the substitute biology teacher, and she says that is her. However, she retired in 1972. They realize that the records they found are false. The she-mantis stole a real person's identity.
Back in their cage, Xander and Blayne watch the she-mantis does eeny-meeny-miney-moe. And Xander's moe.
The she-mantis opens the door to the cage and he slowly slides out, then surprises her by hitting her with the bar. He runs for the stairs, but halfway up, she trips him with her claw and comes tumbling back down.
Back at the real Miss French's house, Buffy, Giles and Willow are heading back to the car. Willow wonders how they will ever find her now. Buffy says that she knows she lives in that neighborhood because she saw her walking with the groceries near there. Willow wants to start banging on doors, but Buffy has a better idea.
Lifting a manhole cover up, Buffy climbs down into the sewer, telling Giles and Willow she won't be long.
In the basement, Xander is tied up. Blayne tells him that she's about to start laying eggs and Xander flashes back to class, when she explained that the mantis lays her eggs and finds a mate to fertilize them. He's scared.
Willow and Giles are still waiting above the manhole for Buffy. Meanwhile, Buffy has found claw guy and tied his wrists behind his back. She starts dragging him down the street, forcing him to let her know when he senses the she-mantis. When he does, she lets him go and, with her being distracted, cuts the ropes she tied him with using his claw before taking a swing at her. Luckily Willow warns her in time and Buffy leans back, but trips over the miniature picket fence lining the yard. Using one of the pickets, she stakes the vampire.
Back in the basement, the she-mantis advances on Xander, telling him to kiss her before he begins screaming for help. All of a sudden, there is a crash and Buffy comes through the window. Blayne, being someone so self-absorbed he could rival Cordelia, immediately starts calling her to help him, but she ignores him, spraying the mantis with bug spray as Willow and Giles follow. She orders them to get the guys out of there as she grabs the tape recorder and a machete from her bag. Buffy tells the she-mantis that Dr. Gregory taught her "You do your homework, you learn stuff. Like what happens to your nervous system when you hear this!" She hits play on the tape recorder… and instead of bat sonar, hears Giles talking about filing. She looks to Giles in disbelief before he tells her it's on the wrong side. The mantis uses the opportunity to knock the tape recorder and machete out of Buffy's hands. Giles goes diving after the tape recorder as Buffy focuses on Natalie again. Xander gets in the fray, spraying Natalie in the face with the bug spray again, but Buffy pushes him out of the way and gets knocked down by the mantis. She manages to keep her at bay with several kicks before she grabs her machete and Giles gets the tape recorder and fixes it so it starts playing the sonar. As predicted, Natalie starts flailing about as Buffy quips, "Bat sonar. Makes your whole nervous system go to Hell. You can go there with it!" And with that, she begins her assault, slicing and dicing away at the mantis.
Afterwards, everyone runs over to where Buffy is standing, winded. Giles says that the mantis is dead and Willow adds dissected. Xander admits to Buffy that she was right and he's an idiot before thanking his friends. Blayne thanks them as well. However, when Willow says how unfair it was that the mantis only went after virgins and compliments them on waiting, both guys are horror stricken. Blayne tries to deny it until Giles explains that it was the she-mantis' M.O. Buffy, simply smiles, amused. Blayne threatens to sue any of them if they repeat this anywhere else, to which Xander tells him to shut up. Willow continues to tell Xander how sweet she thinks it is until he picks up the machete and she thinks better of it, saying she will never bring it up again. However, Xander hasn't gone total insane killer… he just starts hacking away Natalie's nest.
In the Bronze, Buffy sits at the bar wearing Angel's jacket. He approaches and tells her he heard she killed the vampire with the claw. She thanks him for the tip, before commenting that it would be easier if she knew how to get in touch with him. He simply smiles and says he'll be around. She tells him he can have his jacket back, but Angel says it looks better on her before giving her a look that even I have to admit makes me weak in the knees. Looking after him, Buffy comments "Oh boy!" I have to agree.
In the science room, the new biology teacher is going over his requirements for the class which I don't think is fair to do, well into the semester). Buffy sits at a desk, daydreaming with a rather sad look on her face. The bell rings, bringing her back to reality. As she heads to the door, she noticed Dr. Gregory's glasses sitting on the table where she left them and puts them in the pocket of his jacket, which is hanging on a hook on the closet door. Slowly, she closes the door as the camera pans down to a lower shelf where a cluster of the she-mantis' eggs is attached. One of the eggs hatches. However, it's been almost six years and we have yet to hear anything more about it, so I guess it died or ran away or whatever. So don't worry, okay?
And yay, episode is over! It wasn't too bad, especially compared to most of the other crap on TV today, but it was by far not the best Buffy episode, so I am glad I got this over with!