Destructo Girl Recap:
Buffy and Willow stare offscreen with horrified expressions on their faces as they describe what can only be a hideous demon. Or bridesmaid (and best man) dresses. And in this case, it's dreadful dresses. Green ones… green is possibly my least favorite color. Occasionally, I will find a shade that I like… but this one certainly isn't it. It's obviously the big wedding day and rain is pouring down outside, which I assume is supposed to be a Message Of Doom or whatever, but I've heard that rain is supposed to be *good* luck on your wedding day. Then again, it rained on my cousin's wedding day and she ended up getting divorced. Anyway…. Willow and Buffy talk about the rehearsal dinner the night before, with Anya's demons and Xander's family. They can't believe that everyone bought the story that Anya hails from a long line of circus folk. Eww, and Xander's dad actually puked in Buffy's purse. He's lucky he did that to her and not me, because then he wouldn't have *lived* another day!

Anya appears in the doorway and gasps, covering her hand with her mouth. The other two girls aren't sure if she is disgusted or elated, until she exclaims, "You guys look so beautiful!" As she hugs them both at the same time, declaring that "This is the happiest day of [her] whole life!" Buffy and Willow exchange a look behind her back. Quite funny.

In Xander's apartment, the groom is searching for his cufflinks as the infamous Uncle Rory offers unsolicited advice, fakes electrocution and generally annoys. Anya's friend Krelvin, a demon with funky skin, turns out to be quite a nice fellow. In fact, Xander's overweight Cousin Carol (who turns out to be using Xander's cufflinks as earrings) wonders if he would be down with dating a woman with a kid. Oh, and we finally get to meet Xander's parents, who are just as intolerable as I've always imagined. Mr. Harris is a complete bigot, totally rude to Krelvin, and his mother is freaking annoying, constantly complaining that she's not going to be in any of the pictures.

Before the theme song starts, Xander declares, "Nothing on earth can stop this wedding now." Good job jinxing yourself, Xand.

Despite the fact that Willow is supposed to be the best man, Buffy's helping Xander get ready. As I predicted, he's been eating too much and can't fit into his cummerbund. It takes Buffy's slayer strength to get it fastened. Buffy informs Xander that he is glowing and jokingly says he may be pregnant. Xander says he's just happy and Buffy gets all teary eyed. He and Anya are like the light at the end of her tunnel. Not in the gross way… her metaphorical life tunnel, okay?

Willow proves to be even more useless as she is not only *not* performing best man duties, she is sitting and just watching as Tara helps Anya. Seriously, she just sits there are giggles girlishly as Tara fastens the buttons on the back of Anya's gown, while the bride practices her vows. It should be no surprise that said vows are quite amusing and literal in that uniquely Anya way. Willow finally does something and holds the dress shut to aid in the buttoning for a few seconds. The two of them finish the job and we finally see Anya's gown. My opinion? Butt-ugly. But I think it's ugly in a not-obvious way, so some people may have liked it. But I hated it. It had these big… things on it that reminded me of when your swimsuit gets old and gets those little flaws all over it. Only these things are much bigger flaws. And the bottom flares out and makes her look like a mermaid. Plus, she's got a gel-mask on her face and her hair's in rollers, but despite the lack of effect, it's still a bad bad dress, in my opinion.

It's still raining out.

We find that the wedding is being held at the Sunnydale Bison's Lodge. As guests are arriving, Uncle Rory drags a poor caterer around that is just trying to be polite, pronouncing her his date. Dawn, also in an ugly green dress, makes a quick escape when he tries to engage her in conversation. The caterer is then pulled over to a bison head mounted on the wall (with a bridal veil atop it, I kid you not) and starts talking about how it's shoddy work. He actually brags about his taxidermy skills and, if possible, the girl looks paler.

Dawn greets guests as they arrive, taking a present from D'Hoffryn that's also alive. Hallie arrives with him and tries to get Dawn to make another wish. The teen finally displays some good sense and doesn't go for it as D'Hoffryn tells the "justice demon" to lay off for the day. Oh, and Hallie is in an ugly green dress as well. And I don't just mean she picked a dress that happens to be ugly and green - she's a bridesmaid, despite the fact that she is acting just like a regular guest.

Spike also arrives… with a date. And what a winner she is. She looks all goth and has the personality of a wall. He is obviously just going for jealousy on Buffy's part as he keeps bringing up the fact that he has a *date* and is with a *date* and, oh, here is his *date*. Dawn's not keen on sticking around for much more of that.

Back at the party, the Harrises and "circus folk" have a little discussion about kids and heritage, Xander's dad sits down at the bar to get wasted and a strange old man lurks about.

Finally all ready, Xander gets the once over from Buffy and, after meeting her approval, the two have a little moment. As they exit the room, they go over the "rules." Buffy has to keep his parents away from the bar (too late) and fun stuff like that. Dawn interrupts, mentioning Spike's "skanky date," which gets a reaction from Buffy. Of course, she tries not to say anything in front of Dawn and Xander, who know nothing about their affair, but she is definitely affected.

Entering the party, Xander gets congratulations from all the guests he passes until he gets to his family. His mother doesn't like where she's seated. Dawn informs him one of Anya's gifts has escaped. Everyone wants his attention and it's all overwhelming. The old man from before appears at his side and pulls him away. Xander assumes he is some distant relative, but the man informs him that he is Xander.

You know, Sarah Michelle Gellar really needs to do a new Maybelline commercial. I saw a new ad in Cosmogirl (hey, I was bored and it was my sister's!) so I know she is still actively working with them.

The old man explains he is from the future. Therefore, despite my disbelief in his story, I will refer to him as FutureXander from now on. Cool? Anyway, Xander finds his story about as plausible as I do and thinks the old dude's nuts.

Xander's dad makes an even bigger ass of himself, drunkenly toasting (and completely insulting) his wife. If I didn't hate her so much, I would feel sorry for her. Buffy tugs Mr. Harris away for a cup of coffee, smoothly handling him as he hits on her.

FutureXander has managed to get Xander in a room alone with him and whips out an orb that allegedly will allow Xander to see what FutureXander has seen and felt. In other words, it shows his future. And the future basically sucks.

First Xander is sitting in front of the TV (still in his tux) as two children chase each other around, mocking one another. The little girl (with floppy ears that prove she is part demon) is named Sarah and the boy (who looks normal) is Josh. Maybe I'm reading too much into it… but are we playing with Sarah and Joss here? Anyway, Anya appears, complaining that she has to go host a makeover party, since Xander can't work. And he can't work because he hurt his back helping Buffy fight some big bad evil. Xander defends himself, saying that Buffy needed him. Anya points out "Well, it didn't save her, did it?" Aww, Buffy's dead. :( In the next scene, years have passed. The kids are now teenagers and Xander and Anya don't look any happier with each other as the family is seated at a restaurant. Sarah complains that they took her there, because she doesn't eat wheat. Josh says she doesn't eat anything. She yells at Xander that she knows he isn't his real dad and she hates him and wishes him dead. More years later, Xander and Anya are alone in a kitchen, yelling at each other. Xander complains that she hasn't touched *him* in years. She says it's because he wouldn't come near her after Buffy died, and Xander tells her not to bring Buffy into it. I wonder if they are trying to tell us about some Buffy/Xander feelings or if it's just about how Anya still doesn't quite have the loyalty to anyone (besides Xander) down all the time. She has her moments, but she does have lapses, you know. Anyway, I digress. The arguing intensifies until Xander picks up a frying pan and takes a swing.

Cut back to the present. Xander's all upset, understandably. FutureXander tells him that he cannot marry Anya. "Sometimes, two people ... all they bring each other ... is pain."

Seeing Spike alone, Buffy approaches him. It's a little awkward, but still nice. She admits that she's a little jealous that he has a date and that it hurts. Spike apologizes before remembering he is supposed to be the big bad and correcting himself. "Or, Good!" He asks if she would like he and his date to go and she says no, that he has every right to be there. They both admit that it's hard before Spike decides that they're going to go. Buffy asks if they'll go back to his place and I'm feeling pretty good. Just using him, my big toe! Anyway, Spike says that going back to his place was the plan; after all, he's evil. Buffy agrees. Spike's all flustered, poor guy. He tells her to give Anya and Xander his best, then comments that it's nice to see her happy. He says she is glowing and I get a little bit nervous, after that other glowing-equals-pregnancy comment. I'm all for reading fics where Buffy has a baby, but on the show? Boring! Look at what happened to Angel. Granted, the baby storyline isn't the only thing *not* going for that show, but it certainly didn't help. But let's not worry about that unless it comes up. And it probably won't. I hope. Anyway, I like Buffy's explanation for glowing better - the dress is radioactive. The two share a smile before Buffy starts to walk away. Spike asks, "But it hurts?" and Buffy replies, "Yeah." He thanks her and I just find it very… nice. I'm optimistic for the future! He heads over to the door, grabs his date, and hauls her out of there.

Xander's alone in a room, pacing around, when Willow comes in. Now that all the work is done, she is ready to be the best man. Don't mind me, I'm feeling cranky and Willow's just so fun to take it out on! Anyway, they bond and have a few "touching" moments, but it's obvious Xander's extremely nervous. She leaves him alone again so he can work on his vows.

Anya continues to practice her vows as Tara sits and listens. Again, she has some good lines, but then she busts out with "sex poodle." Thankfully, Tara talks her right out of that one! The music starts and Anya gets very excited; the wedding is starting. Buffy comes in to fetch Anya for the ceremony, but at the last second, Willow pulls her aside. Xander's gone.

I hope no celebrities I like ever decide to do a long distance commercial. They never fail to annoy me.

As Willow goes to look for Xander, Buffy tries to stall with Anya, explaining that the minister had to go deliver a baby. Anya's confused and Tara has an absolutely hysterical look on her face. Buffy continues on with this big ridiculous story about the minister also being a doctor. He's a miniter, not to be confused with a minotaur. Amazingly enough, Anya seems satisfied with this and practices her vows some more. This time it's completely sweet and my heart goes out to her.

Outside in the rain, Xander walks alone.

The guests are getting restless. Buffy makes her way down the aisle and the insipid orchestra starts playing the bridal march. She manages to signal them to stop before approaching the minister and presumably informing him that there will be a delay.

Anya's getting tired of waiting for the minister and starts ranting about how rude this is of him and the mother. "I mean, why couldn't he have just told her to hold it?"

Xander's dad is drinking at the bar again as his mother complains about Anya. Apparently her daughter-in-law-to-be didn't want any help with the planning. Can't imagine why…. Meanwhile, Cousin Carol beseeches Buffy to do something.

Reluctantly, Buffy grabs the microphone and asks, "So ... who here's from out of town?" Everyone just stares until Clem grins and raises his hand. Aww, what a sport!

Just outside a doorway, Dawn is hanging out with a fellow teen… one that happens to have a pair of horns. The two of them disagree over whose family is more messed up.

Back inside, Buffy is playing charades, holding up one finger. Someone calls out "First word..." and she puts her fingers up to her head like horns (and it's really adorable) and moves back and forth. People call out some really hysterical things, like "bridesmaid," until someone shouts "bull" and Buffy nods. Now, nobody else has ever mentioned it…. but whenever I think about what the second word might be, I start cracking up. Is it just my Lent-induced obsession with swearing, or did anyone else think the same thing?

Anya's sick of waiting. They can have their wedding without the minister. Her idea, not mine!

Krelvin has joined Buffy in entertaining the guests and now she is juggling. Seriously juggling. Sarah Michelle Gellar is a woman of many talents!

Dawn manages to do what she is best at, screwing things up, by telling the teen demon guy how Xander disappeared just as Anya is walking by. She hears and totally freaks out, "Xander's gone? Xander is missing? What do you mean Xander's missing?!" Unfortunately, she gets a little loud and all the guests hear. They all turn around and look at her.

Uncle Rory tries to explain that Xander is playing a joke, then starts to talk about how at one of Cousin Carol's weddings, he put on an ape suit, when a tentacle demon expresses his distaste at "Another Harris family joke." The Harrises are insulted, words are exchanged and fighting ensues. Buffy watches from onstage, rolling her eyes, but she doesn't bother to try and stop them. I can't blame her; maybe they'll all kill each other. Although, to be fair, I could probably deal with the demons. It's rather ironic, but Xander's family are the ones who act like monsters. Tara seems to be trying to fight her way through the crowd, but mostly it looks like she is spazzing out and standing there as people bump into her. Willow "rescues" her, pulling her to safety. They share a look. Now it's my turn to roll my eyes.

Meanwhile, Anya is searching through the crowd for Xander. Cousin Carol points out FutureXander and says she saw Xander with him. Anya rushes over and confronts him, saying that if she made him leave… the old man interrupts her, saying that she's as vindictive as ever. Anya's confused and asks if she knows him. The man replies, "You don't recognize me, Anya? I'm not the man I used to be. I know."

Buffy makes somewhat of an effort to stop the fight, pleading to the brawling guests through the microphone.

Anya demands that FutureXander tell him why Xander left. He says that it was because of her, but she says she didn't do anything. FutureXander retorts, "Oh, really? What about this?" before morphing into a big, ugly demon.

Have you ever seen that commercial for Lean Pockets where the man is under the sink, munching away? Don't you find it strange that he is eating down there? I imagine it's not very comfortable, and if his under-the-sink area is anything like mine, not the cleanest place to have a meal.

The demon explains that Anya cursed him way back in 1914. He was a philanderer and she sent him to be tortured in another dimension. She forgot, but he sure didn't. He backhands her and Buffy sees, calling out to Anya. The demon explains that it didn't take much to get to Xander, just a few fake visions of his nightmare version of the future. Anya's crying and I do feel bad for her, but a part of me has to wonder if she didn't sort of have this coming. True, in the case of this guy, he was a philanderer and I hate people who cheat… but did he deserve to be *tortured*? And even if he did, look at when Anya first showed up. Look at what she did to Buffy and Giles and everyone in Sunnydale, all because of Cordelia's wish. Even *if* Willow and Xander had it coming, the rest of them certainly did not. I'm sure that wasn't a one-time incident. Anya's been going around for thousand of years, granting wishes and enjoying the pain it caused people. I know that she has changed. But look at Spike for example. They didn't just say "He has a chip in his head and, look, he loves Buffy. He even helps us!" and then forget all that he has done in the past. It's not very fair that Anya gets the benefit of the doubt and doesn't have to "pay" for her sins. I'm one of Anya's biggest fans, but I have to wonder if she didn't deserve this in some small way.

The demon goes to attack Anya again, but is stopped by Buffy. She attacks him, ripping the side of her dress in the process, in order to make it easier to move. Plus, she won't have to wear the dress again this way. Good thinking, Buffy. The demon tries to use Anya as a cover, telling Buffy not to come any closer. Xander comes in and calls Anya, effectively distracting the demon and giving Buffy the opportunity to attack again. The guests notice Buffy and the demon fighting and lay off of each other to watch. Anya and Xander move to the side to talk while Buffy scuffles with the baddie. As Buffy is strangling him with the veil she grabbed off of the mounted bison, Xander shoves a pillar down on its head several times, effectively killing it.

The guests all clap and cheer. Why am I not surprised that a death pleases them? Of course, peace doesn't last long and the fighting starts back up. However, Anya's not having it and shouts for them to knock it off because the wedding *will* go on. They quickly obey.

Standing alone, facing each other and holding hands, Xander and Anya have a little talk. Anya's all ready to get married, but Xander, obviously full of pain, tells her he can't go through with it. Anya tries to tell him that the visions FutureXander showed him weren't real; he just wanted Xander to hate her. Xander says that she isn't the one he hated. He admits that he had fears before he saw the visions. Over her shoulder, Xander sees his parents screaming at each other, just as he and Anya did in the visions. He apologizes and releases her hands.

Crying, Anya turns and walks towards the guests. Xander walks out the door, where it has stopped raining and is now shiny and bright. The orchestra still hasn't grown a brain and, despite the fact that there is no groom and the bride is crying and visibly distressed, starts playing the wedding march. She finally stops and just stands there, looking completely heartbroken. Let me reiterate that I *do* feel bad for her, even if I can't say that she didn't have this coming at all.

Later that night, Buffy, Willow and Dawn sit in the Summers' living room. They all say that their hearts hurt. Buffy (wearing a shirt that says "I survived," which I find amusing, especially considering the premonition that she would be dead) comments "They were supposed to be my light at the end of the tunnel. I guess they were a train." A lot of people have given her flack for this, saying it's all about her, but I think it's just another instance where people are all too happy to jump on Buffy. Any other character says it, and it's fine…. but not Buffy. I just want to say, to everyone who said that - YOU SUCK! Ha… that felt good! Anyway, Willow says she can't hate Xander, and I have to agree. I see why he did what he did, it was braver than going through the wedding and screwing up his and Anya's lives and ending up in a lot more pain. He *really* should have figured it out before the wedding and I really think he should have been the one to announce that it was cancelled instead of dumping Anya and leaving her to do it, but I don't hate him. Dawn wonders where he is….

Turns out he is at a crappy motel, where he is showed to a room by a manager. The room looks possibly worse than Faith's pre-mayor digs. The manager explains that the air conditioner is busted and check out is at eleven. Xander looks pretty heartbroken himself.

Anya sits in a dark room while D'Hoffryn circles around her. She explains that she is tired of crying; she's just so tired. D'Hoffryn says that she let Xander domesticate her; there was a time she would have crushed a man like him. When Anya doesn't react, he adds "It's time you got back to what you do best ... don't you think?"

Anya lifts her face to look at him, but her expression remains unreadable.

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