"Come Let Me Hold You"

Author: Amy
Contact: Slvrbttn@aol.com
Notes: My apologies to the WatcherGirls for sending this onto your list, but I hope that because it's a companion piece to a Buffy/Giles (father/daughter) type story, and that Giles is in it some, I might be forgiven. :)

Buffy's hand hurt. That was the first sensation that seeped back into her body. She looked down and saw bloody nail imprints in her palm, and she winced. Her eyes welled, and for a moment, she didn't know why. "What?" she muttered, barely loud enough for herself to hear.

On the other end of the line, Willow sucked in her breath. "I'm sorry, Buffy. I really am... I don't know what to say."

The tears finally fell, spilling down her cheeks numbly. "But, what did you say? I don't..." Her voice was choked. "I don't remember."

Willow sounded near tears herself. "Angel's dead, Buffy."

Buffy nodded, though her friend couldn't see her. "How do you know? I mean, how are you sure? It could have just been someone who... who looked like him, or someone... Did anyone actually *see* him get staked?"

"Cordelia did," Willow responded softly. "It was during a fight. It was two days ago. Cordelia barely escaped with her life."

"Oh." Everything sounded slow. Was everything being *said* slowly?, Buffy wondered. "Okay."

"I've already booked you a plane ticket back here... We thought it would be right to have a memorial service for him," Willow informed her gently. "Your ticket is waiting at the counter of the JFK airport. You'll be on the six o'clock plane."

"Oh, okay," Buffy repeated. "Bye."

She hung up the phone quickly, sinking down onto her couch. Her throat ached and burned. The phone rang again, suddenly. Buffy listened to it ring, knowing that it was Willow calling back to see if she was all right. She laid her head against the back of the couch and closed her eyes.

Maybe it was a dream. Maybe it was just a bad dream.

"Honey... Buffy, wake up." Riley shook her shoulder gently. Buffy shifted, and then her eyes fluttered open sleepily to see the face of her worried husband. He smiled in concern. "Are you all right?" She sat up, pulling away from him, and nodded. His eyebrows knitted, and he leaned forward to brush away the tear tracks from her cheeks. She had been crying in her sleep.

Buffy licked her lips, feeling that something wasn't right, and then looked back up at Riley. He smiled encouragingly at her, and suddenly she knew. She knew what wasn't right, what couldn't ever be right again. Angel had died.

It wasn't a dream.

"What's happened?" he asked, softer this time, rubbing her shoulder.

"I, uh..." Her voice was raspy, so she cleared her throat and started again. "I need to go home... To Sunnydale. Someone died."

"Who?"

Buffy was already off the couch and on her way to their room to pack when she answered. "Angel."

Riley looked hesitant, and a little nervous. He touched her shoulder. "Do you want me to come with you?" he offered. "I can be packed and ready to leave in five minutes."

Buffy met his eyes, gave him a tiny smile. "No, thanks. I'll call you when I get there, though."

"Okay." He nodded, then paused. "Buffy... I know that this isn't fair of me to ask, especially right after... This happened, but...." He gulped.

She shook her head, reaching up to touch his cheek tenderly. "I love you as much as I always have, Riley," she explained softly. "I don't mean to hurt you with this. But, Angel... He held so much of me for so long... And still does in some ways, I guess. A piece of me is always going to feel something for him, something important. Because he was important in my life." She leaned up and gave him a slow kiss on the mouth before drawing away to look into his eyes again. "You're my husband. I won't go if you ask me not to."

Riley licked his lips, realizing that he could taste the tears she was trying so hard to hide from him. He shook his head with a smile. "You should do what makes you feel right. And if saying goodbye to him, if going to him, is what you need, then I want you to do that."

Buffy nodded, hearing the truth in his words, and then heard the taxi honk outside. "That's my ride."

"Yeah."

She turned for the door and then turned back to him, dropping her overnight bag and running into his arms. He held her tightly for a moment, kissing her shoulder, her neck, and finally her mouth, feeling her arms tighten around him. She sniffled, loving him for forgiving what she needed to do, and then pulled herself out of his embrace. "I love you," she whispered.

"I love you too." He smiled gently, holding onto her arms, his forehead touching hers. "I'll be waiting for your call."

Buffy lifted her head and then bit her lip, turning away and leaving the warmth of the apartment and his arms.

Her heart was hurting again.

She looked around the terminal, not able to remember who had offered to pick her up. Her eyes caught a flash of red, and she followed it, recognizing Willow right away. Her mouth suddenly went dry with happiness to see her friend. Buffy didn't realize she was running until she was in front of Willow, her chest stinging and her eyes watering. Willow looked at her in surprise.

"Wow. Seventy feet in five seconds," Willow smiled, leaning in to hug Buffy.

Buffy hugged her back, hard, and buried her face in Willow's shoulder. "I missed you. I missed everything about you. And..." Her voice cracked and she trailed off, wanting to block the tears and hurt, wanting to just revel in the joy of seeing her best friend again.

Willow shook her head. "Shh... I know." She petted Buffy's hair back, and Buffy looked down, holding it all in.

She heard a throat clear, and looked up in surprise to see Giles standing next to Willow. "Giles! I didn't even... I didn't know you were coming."

"At the last minute, I decided to. I'm sorry that there wasn't enough time to call you. You were already on your plane," he told her.

Buffy shook her head, ignoring his apology, and slipped into his arms, her face against his chest. She breathed in the scent of him that was so purely Giles-- tea and dusty leather books and mints-- and smiled against his shirt. She was home. After so long, she was with her best friend and her Watcher, and she didn't have to love them from afar anymore. At least not for that moment. It was a wonderful feeling, to have them there to hold onto.

"I love you, Giles. I missed you."

His eyes softened, and he held her close, resting his cheek against the top of her head. "I missed you too, Buffy. I'm... sorry... for what happened."

"I know you are," she nodded. "And it helps."

"Come now, then." He smiled down at her, and took her bag, letting her loop her arm through his. Willow smiled and took hold of Buffy's other arm, and the small group made their way through the airport terminal. "The service is tomorrow. I didn't know what... Would be easiest for you... So there will be no speakers. Just a small group of people who knew him. But, if you'd like to say a few words..."

"No," she said quickly. "I... Giles, how hard would it be to call the thing off?"

"Not very," he replied, confused. "There would really only be a few of us attending. Why? Would you like me to?"

"I just don't know if I could... If I could..."

"All right." He patted her hand. "I'll make a few phone calls."

Her eyes shimmered with tears. "Thank you."

The wind howled in the cemetery, and Buffy stared up at the night sky, trying to figure out which star Angel was on. It was an old game that she used to play when she was little, a game that her mother taught her when her grandfather died.

"If you look up at the stars and try to find which star Grandpa is living on, you won't be so lonely for him. Then when you find the star, you'll always know where he is, and you'll be able to talk to him anytime you want to," Joyce had said so long ago.

Had it really been twenty years?

Buffy finally tore her eyes away from the glittering sky and settled them back on the ground. She lowered herself down to the grass and sat in front of Angel's grave marking, letting her hands wander over the engraved words. "A guardian angel to all who knew him. He saved us all. May God bless his soul," she read aloud, softly, tears welling in her eyes.

"I miss you, Angel. I never thought that I would live longer than you," she told him quietly. "I'm only twenty-five. I guess I always thought... I love my husband. He makes me happier than I would have ever thought it was possible to be. For a while there, I thought the Fates were against me. And then Riley came along. But... I always sort of hoped that there was a way for us," she admitted. "Maybe that's wrong of me, but you were my heart. You were everything I fought for, everything I relied on, everything that I wanted and needed and prayed for and.... Loved. And still are, in a lot of ways. Did you know that?"

She paused, her hands playing with the soft blades of grass, then took a deep breath. "Did my getting married to Riley hurt you as much as I feared it would? Because you always told me that... You wanted me to be happy. And I was happy with him, so I went for it. But there was always you. Couldn't you feel that I loved you still, even from so far away? Couldn't you..." Her voice broke. "Couldn't you have stayed alive, for me?"

Still, she tried to keep the tears in check. Buffy finally fell silent, and looked up at the sky again, and breathed in deeply. Her eyes darted from star to star. A voice startled her suddenly.

"If you look up at the stars and try to find which star Angel is living on, you won't be so lonely for him. Then, when you find the star, you'll always know where he is, and you'll be able to talk to him anytime you want to."

Buffy spun around, her eyes locking on her mother. A sob tore at her chest, and she flung herself into Joyce's arms. "I didn't think it would hurt this bad," she wept, clinging to her mom. "I didn't think anything could hurt me this bad. I thought I had felt it all before, but... How did you find me?"

"Giles told me. He loves you a lot, you know. And it's going to be okay, baby," Joyce soothed, holding her close. "Just cry for him, and say goodbye to him. He loved you, I know. I know you loved him. I'm... so sorry."

Buffy's voice was choked and trembling. "It's just... I don't know how..."

"It's okay to hurt, Buffy," Joyce whispered into her daughter's hair. "It's okay to feel so badly inside that you think you might not make it. That's how you know that you can heal; if you can feel it, you can move on. And if you can move on, it won't hurt forever."

"I didn't want to cry," Buffy sobbed. "I didn't want to really let go... I wanted it not to be true. But then.... You were the only one I wanted to see, the only one I wanted to talk to, Mom, and I didn't even know it."

Joyce's eyes glimmered with sudden tears. "I love you, Baby. Don't worry. It'll get better. It'll be okay."

"Do you promise?" Buffy asked hopefully.

"Yes." Joyce smiled. "I promise. Now come let me hold you, and you can cry with me. And maybe that can help. Maybe... Maybe how much I love you will make how much it hurts better, some."

Buffy hugged Joyce tighter, so tight that she could hear her heartbeat. She smiled tearfully, feeling safe in her mother's embrace. Her words were quiet, but Joyce heard them.

"It already has."

The End

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