"I Love You Today"

Author: Amy
Contact: Slvrbttn@aol.com
Notes: Tracy and Laura are the best. I worship them both for putitng up with me. :)

Buffy shifted uneasily under his gaze. She knew she should tell Riley about Angel... She *knew* she should say something, but somehow just couldn't bring herself to open her mouth and speak his name. For some reason, it was still too fresh, still too painful, and her relationship with Riley-- whom she couldn't deny she was falling rapidly in love with-- was still too new.

He'd asked her about all of this before.

In the midst of the Faith/Adam crises, she'd had the perfect opportunity to tell him. She could have told him who Angel was, and what part Faith played in hurting their relationship, and how it could never be. And she could have told him why.

But there was a small, irrational, insecure part of her brain that told her how he would react. A Slayer in love with a Vampire? Giving your heart and blood for one of the things you hate, to something that represents everything you live to kill? The circumstances to their falling in love might have no bearing to Riley. He might just look at her as though...

Well, that was what she was afraid of.

But he knew something was wrong; very wrong. And now she was going to have to tell him.

"Just go, Riley," she finally whispered miserably.

"What?!" He stared down at her. "You want me to leave you alone with this... What are you doing? What are you thinking? *What* is going on?!"

"Just *go*!" she demanded forcefully, willing the tears not to fall from her eyes.

Riley looked at her a moment longer and then stalked off, leaving her alone.

Though not entirely.

Three days earlier

"Buffy, I need to tell you something..." Giles took off his glasses and looked at her seriously. Buffy smiled nervously, sensing something wasn't right, and sank into the couch, primed and ready for his revelation.

"I thought for a moment about keeping it from you, but, after last time..." He trailed off, and cleared his throat. "He left it up to my judgment. I believe you have the right to know."

"Giles, what's happening?" she smiled, trying to not worry. "Telling me slower isn't going to make it easier, right?"

He smiled briefly at her. "I suppose not. I got a phone call today, from--"

The color bled out of Buffy's face. "Angel. He's coming to town."

Giles looked surprised, then he nodded. "Yes. Was I right in telling you? I realize that you're just embarking on a new relationship, and that it may be a little difficult for you to see... Angel... right now. But Cordelia has had a vision, and you were in it."

"What was the vision?"

"You, fighting with a man... and the man had a stake raised against you. He stabbed you with it." Giles paused, taking off his glasses. "Of course, under normal circumstances, I wouldn't think anything of it, as you tend to handle yourself well while fighting. But, Cordelia *did* have a vision, which leads me to believe that..."

"Something's wrong," Buffy finished for him. "Of course. Nothing ever goes right for Buffy for any length of time."

"Buffy," Giles said gently, touching her hand.

She shrugged off his fingers. "No, it's fine. I've handled stuff like this before; stuff that's worse than this, even. But..." Her voice dropped to a whimper. "Riley..."

"I understand, Buffy. Would you like me to give Angel a message?"

Buffy sat up straight and lifted her shoulders. "No. No, I've got it. Just... Tell him to call me when he gets into town, all right? If he doesn't have my number, give it to him?"

"I'm sure he has--"

"I know." Buffy raised her hand, then slowly curled her fingers into a fist, as if she could hide his words away. "But just in case he doesn't have it."

"I understand."

Buffy felt the silence fall between her Watcher and herself and she sat quietly, knowing that hell was coming again, knowing that this might be the last peaceful moment she got.

"Riley, I need to tell you something," Buffy said softly, nudging him on the shoulder. Riley rolled over, automatically wrapping his arms around her, and snuggled in, his breath coming slow and steady. Buffy sighed. "Riley, please, wake up. I need to tell you something."

Her boyfriend's eyes slowly fluttered open, and Buffy found herself looking into that beautiful, open, blue gaze. He grinned sleepily at her. "'Morning."

Buffy felt her heart soften. She had to tell him... at least, something. "I need to talk to you about something," she repeated for the third time.

Riley nodded against her neck, scattering small kisses over her shoulders. "What's that?"

"No, really," she insisted, weakly pushing at his shoulders, "I've been putting this off for over a day." Riley leaned up and gave her a long, delicious kiss on the mouth, cutting off her next words. Buffy gave herself up to him, wrapping her arms around his neck, holding him closer. ~Angel.~ she thought dreamily, and broke off the kiss with a regretful moan. "Riley!"

"What?" He looked alarmed. "Is it an 'end of the world' type of thing?"

"N- Not really. Maybe a little. I don't know," Buffy muttered, sitting up and pulling a sheet around her. She looked down at Riley, who was looking at her seriously, his head propped up against his hand. She rolled her eyes. "Could you not look so innocent and cute while I do this?"

He laughed, and sat up as well, slinging an arm around her. "Look, whatever it is, we'll deal with it. It can't be worse than anything we've... or at least *you've*... faced so far, right?"

"Maybe. It's just... I just..." Buffy took a deep breath. "For a while, you've asked me what I wasn't telling you. You knew that there was something. Something big. There is. And I need to tell you now."

"Okay," he said patiently, stroking her arm, "I'm listening."

"There's a bunch of stuff you don't know about me. Things that I've left out while telling you about my past... The biggest of which is... Angel." Buffy exhaled.

"Angel?"

"He-- he was my boyfriend. We had a sort of tortured romance," Buffy confessed, wanting to get the words out to clear her head and conscience. "He was really special to me, was my first..." Her voice broke. "My first love. And he's coming into town for a few days."

"All right," Riley said slowly. He smiled, his eyes shining. "Is that it?"

"Well... You know I love you, right?" She blinked back the tears gathering behind her eyelids.

"I know," he whispered.

"Then..."

Riley caught her mouth in a deep kiss, and Buffy stopped talking, pawing at his face lightly. ~Maybe I don't need to tell him,~ she thought. ~Maybe he doesn't really need to know.~

And then, all the words in her mind were swept away.

The night was so quiet that everything made noise. Her footsteps, her breath, her heartbeat. She silently stalked the dark with a stake in her hand, ready for anything.

A twig snapped behind her, and Buffy whirled around.

Well, almost anything.

Angel smiled sheepishly. "Hi."

Buffy slowly lowered her hand and nodded to him. "Hi. Been following long?"

"A couple of minutes," he answered in a low voice. "I was trying to figure out the best way to... approach you. I thought I wasn't going to see you until tomorrow, but I saw you walking from across the street and I figured..."

"That you'd see me now," she finished for him.

"Yeah." A genuine smile slid across his face for a moment. "I didn't want to make the mistake of not telling that I was here again."

Buffy stared at him, her eyes slowly trailing from his mouth to his eyes. Her stomach clenched in a delicious pain, her breath coming quicker, her heart beating faster. "Good call," she finally murmured. "'Cause if you had done that to me again, I would have kicked your ass."

"And I would have had it coming." Angel spread his hands in a diplomatic gesture. "Giles told you, then?"

"Yep," she confirmed lightly, pretending that she couldn't feel the excitement buzzing through her veins at his nearness. "I, um, thought you were going to call when you got in, though."

"I was. I just got in, maybe twenty minutes ago. Thought I'd take a quick pass over the town before sunrise."

"Oh." She paused, then closed her eyes. "You know, it really shouldn't be this awkward."

"It...?" Angel asked.

"This." Buffy waved her hands between the two of them. "Us. Being around each other. I mean, we've been around each other a lot. We've even seen each other nak..." A blush suddenly stained her face, and she cleared her throat. "That's probably not the best example for less of the... awkwardness."

Angel looked amused, then annoyed with himself. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snuck up on you. I should have just let you do the patrol and... I guess I was hoping..."

"To see me?" She tried to keep the pleasure at that prospect out of her voice. "Thanks. I guess."

They fell into silence looking at each other. Angel's eyes devoured Buffy, wandering over the small scar on her neck to the muted pink polish she wore on her nails to the curve of her cheek. Memories of the day that never happened floated through his mind, memories of the kisses that were finally allowed, the love that finally was safe. He stepped tentatively toward her without realizing it.

She was so beautiful to him.

Buffy swallowed, seeing him watch her the way he had so many times in the past. She saw that dark glint in his eye, and against her better judgment, against everything she had told herself before he had stepped into her view, she let herself be affected by it. A gentle wind ruffled her hair, and she saw his gaze rest on her neck, pausing on the scar that only he could leave.

But it wasn't the only scar that he left on her. There were thousands of them, hidden inside of her heart, her soul, her mind. Thousands of memories that hurt when she looked at them too closely.

He was everything that she wanted desperately, and everything that she couldn't have. She wandered closer to him, almost dazedly.

"You look..." Angel's voice was husky. "You look good. Haven't... you know, seen you in a while."

"You too," she murmured, her eyes finding his and locking there. "You look the same. ...And different."

"Different?" he asked, mildly curious.

Buffy's voice was hollow, sad. "You look not mine anymore."

Angel shook his head slowly, his gaze remaining on hers. "That's impossible. You... You left a permanent imprint on me, Buffy. There's nothing about me now that doesn't belong to you."

He was close, so close. Buffy trembled with anticipation, her voice dreamy. "I look... Permanent... You left one on me, too."

Her hands crept up to his chest, then to his shoulders. His hands found her waist. They stared at each other for a second that lasted lifetimes.

And then they kissed.

It was soft at first, the way most first kisses are, and then the familiarity came back. Angel ravaged her mouth, his hands running up and down her back, slipping through her hair. Buffy kissed him back with equal ardor, passion throbbing under her skin. She sank her tongue into his mouth, her hands holding him tightly to her, her breasts crushed against his chest. Angel reciprocated, tasting her, licking her, wanting to touch every part of her with his mouth. Their breath became ragged, their movements, frantic. As though they couldn't let each other go. As though they had been apart for more than a summer, more than a year or a hundred years in Hell. As though eternity was in that single embrace.

"You... I'm on fire when I touch you, see you," he murmured roughly, kissing the her neck and collarbone and jaw. "You give me a fever."

Buffy nodded, her words breathless. "Fever... Angel... Oh, Angel..." She lifted his mouth back to hers and kissed him, again and again, losing herself in him like she had so many times in the past.

And then a voice broke into their thoughts, slicing through their passion. "Buffy! What the hell is going on here?!"

The Slayer and the vampire broke apart, his lips still burning, her heart still beating too fast. Buffy spun around to see Riley there. There was one stunned, confusing moment where she simply didn't recognize him, where her consciousness was all but lost to her.

And then it flooded back.

"Oh my God." She looked from Riley to Angel, and then back to Riley again, her heart torn. "You... Riley, it's not what it... Looks like," she finally got out with difficulty.

"Oh no?" he challenged angrily, but there was hope hidden deep in his eyes. "Then tell me what it is."

Buffy stepped away from Angel painfully, and stared at her boyfriend, regret filling her expression. "This is... This is Angel. I'm sorry, Riley. Things got out of control, and... I let them get there, and... I'm sorry."

"It wasn't her fault," Angel finally spoke up.

Buffy glared at him. "Stay out of this."

"So." Riley looked at the two of them, no longer touching, but still too close for his comfort. "You told me about him to sort of... get the guilt of this whole situation off your chest beforehand? That is, if you were telling me the truth about him just arriving in Sunnydale?"

"I didn't know this was going to happen!" she denied, stricken. "I didn't mean for it to. I just... I just... I don't know." Tears filled her eyes.

Riley looked at her for a moment longer. His mind whirled back to a time when he looked at her that way, repentant and sorry, and she had forgiven him for the indiscretion that he had unknowingly committed. When he spoke again, his voice was soft. "Can you tell me that it won't happen again? Because I can forgive one mistake, but I'm not prepared to live with a string of them."

She hesitated only a moment, not daring to look at Angel, who was staring at the ground. "Yes. It won't."

Riley weighed the sincerity of her words, gazing deeply in her eyes. He found truth there, and a pain like he had never known. He stepped forward, grasping her arms. "Then come to my place after you're finished patrolling," he said, trusting her. "And we'll talk."

Grateful tears spilled down her cheeks, and she nodded. Riley gave her a tight smile and nodded back. Then he turned around and in seconds was gone.

Buffy watched him disappear into the trees and sighed after him, an ache welling in her chest. She wiped at her cheeks slowly, drying her tears off with the back of her hands. "Angel," she murmured slowly, turning around to face him, to explain.

But he wasn't there.

Buffy heaved a sigh as she climbed the stairs to Riley's dorm room. Three vamps dusted in the span of two hours, and she still had plenty of frustration to go around. Unfortunately, they seemed to be the only vampires willing to get near her that night, so she decided to pack it in and meet up with Riley.

Though she wasn't exactly looking forward to the talk they were going to have.

She closed her eyes briefly as she approached his door and shook her head to clear it of the arguments filtering through. She had no right to argue for Angel's love, and no right to defend herself in what she had done. This was between her and Riley, and the lies that she had told. She would hang her head and explain it all to him and hope that he hadn't been lying when he said that they could work it out. And if it was too much for him to deal with, then she wouldn't pressure him into forgiving her, wouldn't force the issues.

She reached his door and paused, seeing a note taped to the front of it.

"Buffy," she murmured aloud, reading, "Got beeped. Meet you at your apartment later. Riley."

"Damn," she muttered, and turned away. She began stomping back down the stairs. Just when she had prepared herself for the inevitable discussion, he had to go fight monsters. She pulled out a stake, anger at something unknown pulsing through her veins. "Fine. I can do that too."

Another sigh as she reentered the inky night. "Might take the edge off."

Riley knocked on the door once, and then let himself in. Willow and Xander looked up from the bed where they were playing Trivial Pursuit. Xander smiled, a little too warmly. "Riley! My man! You're a pretty smart guy. You could be on my team."

Riley sat down on Buffy's empty bed and cast them a lopsided smile, noticing that Willow was winning by five pies to none. He nodded to Xander. "Why did you let her talk you into playing that?"

Xander grumbled something under his breath and returned to the game. Willow bit back a grin. "What are you doing here, Riley? I thought you and Buffy would be at your place."

"We were supposed to." He spread his hands diplomatically. "Change of plans. Got beeped, so I thought I'd meet her here." He paused. "She didn't call or anything?"

"Nope," Xander said, his eyes still on the board. "Should she have?"

Worry filled Riley, worry over the mysterious man, and the kiss that he saw only a moment of, but that looked too intense to have been a mistake, no matter who Buffy was with. It had looked right, even to him, and that really....

Pissed him off. He wondered for a moment if she was still with him, and then pushed the thought away.

"Have you guys ever met Angel?" he asked casually.

Xander coughed, and Willow jumped, accidentally knocking over the box of question cards. They spilled out onto the ground, but Willow didn't bend over to retrieve them. She and Xander exchanged a look.

"Um, yes," Willow said slowly. "Why?"

"I met him tonight," Riley answered, his eyes following their nervous movements. "How well would you say you know him?"

"Too damn well," Xander said with a grimace. Willow reached out and nudged him painfully in the ribs, and he looked up at her. "Sorry."

"We've known him about as long as Buffy has," Willow said, trying to cover Xander's rudeness. "So, you met him?"

Riley's voice was curt. "Yeah."

"And Buffy... Introduced you?" Willow tried to keep the surprise out of her question.

"I guess you could say that," he muttered.

"And you're okay with all of this?" Xander interrupted, shocked. "I would have thought you'd be all pissed over the whole Slayer-and-Vampire thing, even if they did break up. I mean I was, and I was never even her boyfriend." He gave a smug little smile. "Though everyone could tell she wanted me to be. But the whole situation was wacky. I'm impressed with you, man."

Willow rolled her eyes at him, and then looked at Riley in concern. The color was bleeding from his face. "Are you okay?"

He stood, shook his head. "He's a vampire," he said quietly, as if to confirm it in his mind. "She... And he's a vampire."

Xander's eyes widened in alarm. "You... ah... Didn't know that?"

Riley glared at him for a moment, and then stalked quickly out of the room. Willow bit her lip, watching him go, and then turned back to Xander accusingly. Her best friend looked up at her meekly. "How much is Buffy going to kick my ass?" he wondered in a small voice.

Willow lifted her eyes to the ceiling, then looked back down. The situation was almost laughable, in a sad, unfunny sort of way. "Oh, lots," she said casually. She gestured to the game board. "Your turn."

His mind melted the pieces of information together, everything that had puzzled him for so long suddenly made sense. Buffy's bite scar, the way she was vague about her past love life, the way she let that hostile into Giles's house without killing him. Riley's breath came quickly, his heart beating faster than it ever had before, unless he was with Buffy.

She had lied to him.

Okay, maybe she didn't really lie, he conceded to himself. But she didn't tell him, and that was almost the same. An omission of something that needs to be said can be just as painful as an outright lie. Angel must have had some sort of hold over her mind, he thought. It's the only way to explain her behavior, the kiss. It's the only way to understand her having feelings for him. It's the only way.

He fled out into the night, intent on killing the thing that could slowly kill her.

"Hey." Buffy tossed her bag on her bed and sat down next to Willow. "What're you guys playing?"

"Poker," Willow answered, her face blank. "Xander insisted that I was cheating at Trivial Pursuit."

Buffy nodded. "Um, did Riley show up?"

Willow and Xander looked at each other. Willow nodded firmly at him, her mouth stretched in a tight line. Xander winced. "Yeah, he sort of did."

"Sort of?" Buffy asked, confused.

"He did," Xander clarified. "And then he left."

"Why?"

Xander looked away. Willow frowned at him. "Tell her. Now."

"But...."

"Tell her!" Willow insisted, her resolve face firmly intact. "You're not getting out of this one, Xander."

"He asked if we knew him, and I sort of mentioned that he was a vampire," Xander blurted, not looking at Buffy.

Buffy stared at him a moment, puzzled, and then his words processed. Her mouth gaped open. "You told him Angel was a vampire?! You *told* him?"

"I'm sorry, Buffy," Xander said quickly. "I didn't realize that he didn't know. He was sort of asking questions about Angel, and I figured you had told him. He said that they met."

Buffy shook her head, her anger slowly dissolving. Not Xander's fault, she told herself. She should have been more honest with Riley. She should have, but she hadn't been, so the blame belonged on her. She touched Xander's shoulder. "It's okay," she said quietly. Then she paused. "He just left?"

"He seemed pretty angry," Willow piped up sympathetically. "And pretty shocked. We figured he'd gone back to his room."

Buffy nodded, closing her eyes. Her voice was a whisper. "I think you figured wrong."

They stood face to face. One breathing heavily, one remaining still. A golden boy and a mysterious man. A vampire and a human. One of them with anger leading him, the other only worry over hurting his opponent.

Both of them in love with the same girl.

"I'm going to kill you for what you did to her," Riley said, his voice guttural.

Angel sighed. "Put down your stake and go home. Let Buffy explain things to you. I was on patrol hunting demons. I have no intention of fighting you."

"Have Buffy *explain* it to me?" Riley shot back angrily. "You've got her mind warped! You're a vampire, she's the Slayer! You've done something to her! Whatever she says to me about you is going to be some evil version of the truth, something that you cooked up to brainwash her."

"I don't really feel like killing you," Angel said patiently. "I don't do that anymore. So unless you feel like being killed, and not by me, you'd better get out of these woods. It's not safe for a human here."

Riley's mouth was tight, his throat aching painfully. He raised his stake. "When you die, she'll be fine. I've killed vampires before."

Angel looked at him calmly. "Look..." He paused, trying to remember the boy's name. "Riley. Things aren't as they seem. You might want to think about this, and talk to Buffy..."

"Buffy's going to be..."

"You don't believe in her enough to know that she's strong enough to fight off something like brainwashing?" Angel suddenly interrupted, yelling. "You don't know her at all. You don't know anything about her. You don't deserve her. No one does, but at least *I* tried, damnit!"

Riley charged the vampire, his stake aimed. Angel easily dodged, knocking him aside. Riley landed hard on his back, and glared up at Angel with undisguised hatred gleaming in his eyes. He groaned, and Angel considered helping him up when the younger man reached into his jacket.

And pulled out a taser gun.

Riley aimed and fired, hitting Angel squarely in the chest. Angel was knocked over with the force of the electricity, spinning in the air and landing on his stomach. Riley stood up and brushed himself up, slowly walking over to Angel and aiming the gun at his head. He fired again, and watched numbly as the back of Angel's neck began to burn from the continued electrical flame. The smell of burning skin suddenly filled his nostrils, and Riley stumbled back, coughing.

The vampire was down. Now, only one thing left to do.

He raised the stake again and stared at Angel for a moment. His hand began a downward arch.

A voice pierced the night. "Riley!"

Buffy ran, faster than she could ever remember. Riley didn't seem like he could hear her. Her legs pumped furiously, her heart pounding. Her eyes watered as the wind whipped her face. She reached the small clearing in the woods, seeing her boyfriend slash downward with one of the only things that could kill her....

Angel.

She bolted in between them, tumbling on top of the unconscious vampire, and vaguely felt the stake pierce her shoulder. Her lungs stung, her vision was blurred, her heart ached. The run had hurt her. The conflict between Angel and Riley had hurt her. The wood slipped easily into her skin, and she could barely feel it.

"Angel," she wept, smoothing back his hair. Angel's eyes fluttered, but didn't open.

Buffy looked up at Riley, who seemed to be waking up from some sort of trance. His eyes were fastened on her bloody wound, his face slack. "Buffy," he whispered hoarsely. "Are you okay?"

Buffy glanced away from his gaze, uneasy with the intimacy with which she was holding Angel. Angel remained still and silent, however, so she continued to hold onto him as if for dear life. Her hands stroked his face tenderly.

Finally she answered her boyfriend quietly, sadly. "Just go, Riley."

"What?!" He was upset, confused, furious, and worried for her. "You want me to leave you alone with this... What are you doing? What are you thinking? *What* is going on?!"

The tears brimmed on her lashes, and she prayed they wouldn't fall. "Just *go*!" she repeated, her voice rising.

Riley looked at her for a moment longer. Buffy could feel his eyes on her body, concerned and angry, not knowing whether to tend to her wound or to his own heart. She knew that he couldn't fathom what Angel meant to her, and she also knew that it was her fault that he couldn't fathom it. Finally he exhaled loudly and stalked off into the night, leaving her there.

Buffy looked down at Angel's face, her fingers pawing at his cheeks lightly, her hand carefully examining the injury on the back of his neck. He flinched in her arms, and she was overwhelmed with love for him, and hate for herself.

Who was she supposed to be loyal to? Who was she supposed to care more about, give more of herself to, love most? Who was she supposed to spend the most time with, to want to the most, to smile the most with, to weep the most over?

She didn't know.

An inappropriate laugh bubbled up in her, and Buffy was startled when it echoed through the woods. She shook her head in disbelief.

It was turning out to be a hell of a weekend.

"Angel," she whispered again, the sound almost being lost as the wind swept it away. But he heard her.

He would always hear her.

"Buffy?" he murmured weakly, finally opening his eyes.

She let out a sob of relief, touching his eyelids, his cheeks, her hand slipping back around to the burn on his neck. She leaned close; so close that their eyelashes grazed each other's. "Are you okay?"

"You're bleeding," he answered, struggling to get up.

Until that moment, until his words, the pain didn't register. Suddenly it slammed into her shoulder ferociously. She cringed, trying to shrug off the feeling. "Yeah. I'll be fine, though. Are you okay?" she repeated.

"I think... What *was* that thing?" There was annoyance in his voice, and Buffy smiled.

"A... It's a long story. Come on." She slowly helped him get up, and let him lean against her as they began walking through the woods, knowing that the sun would rise very soon. Her shoulder throbbed. So did her heart.

"I'll take you... home?"

"The mansion," he clarified, knowing exactly what she was asking him. She sighed and her breath settled against his shirt, warming it. "It's not that far."

"Barely a block," she acknowledged.

"Buffy?"

She paused. Likewise, she knew what he was going to say to her, knew it intuitively, from somewhere deep inside of her, the way only two of the closest souls can identify with each other. Buffy reached up and touched his mouth. "Shush. We'll talk about it later."

She laid him in bed, and in moments he was silent and still. Buffy watched him for a moment, surprised at her surprise over his lack of breathing. It's not as though she hadn't seen him sleep before, she reminded herself. But, being without him for so long... Sometimes the small things drifted away.

Even though the small things could be twice as important as the rest.

After she had bandaged them both up, Buffy lit a fire in the fireplace and then walked back over to him where he rested. She sat down next to him on the mattress. Her voice was quiet and pain-filled, but resigned. Her hand held his. "I love you, Angel. I'm not going to ever stop. I loved you when I first met you... God, you annoyed me." The ghost of a smile slipped over her face and then vanished. "I loved you then, and I loved you when we first kissed, and when we made love. I loved you when you were gone from me, and when the demon that stole your face was torturing my friends. I dreamed about you every night, woke up every morning with a tear-soaked pillow. I loved you every time Angelus and I fought."

She stopped for a moment, her tears spilling off of her lashes. "I loved your strength and beauty. I loved you for your passion and your soul and your sorrow and the way you smiled, even though that was rare. I loved you for how much you loved me, for the way you kissed, for the way you could make *me* smile... For the way you danced, and the way you held me in your arms. And I loved you when I killed you, Angel. I never felt a love like that, before or since. I loved you when you came back to me, when we shared the dreams, when the snow saved your life. I loved you when you pretended to be Angelus, when you kissed Faith. ...I loved you when you drank from me. I loved you when you left me. I loved you while you were gone, every second, and when I saw you for five minutes in LA, I loved you even more than I thought was possible because I hadn't seen you in so long."

The tears streaked down her cheeks, falling off her chin and landing on their hands, woven together. Buffy cried silently for a minute, searching her mind for the right thing to say, to tell him.

Her voice was soft. "I loved you when I saw you last night, when you kissed me, for the way we can't seem to control ourselves when we get around each other. And... And I love you today, Angel."

"I'm always going to love you," she said haltingly. "Because now you're part of me. Maybe if we had stopped it after that first kiss, or before, or if we had never met, or never had made love or fought or touched or looked at each other... Maybe then I wouldn't love you forever, like I know I'm going to now. But all of those things happened. I see you almost every time I close my eyes. You're the biggest part of me, the part I love best about myself. ...But I have to make this choice."

His hand tightened around hers, but his eyes didn't open. Still, Buffy knew that he was awake and listening, and that he knew that if he looked at her, everything she was about to say would be lost. "Yes," he whispered, telling her with that single word to continue.

"You left so that I could make it," she nodded. "You left so that I could be happy. And as happy as I am with you, Angel... As happy as you make me just by being here when I need you, just by everything I've said to you just now, it can't be. But I *can* be with Riley. And I do..." Her chin trembled and she closed her eyes so that she wouldn't have to look at Angel's face as she said the next words. "I do love him."

Finally Angel's eyes opened, and he looked at her with eyes full of pain and acceptance, love and torture, eyes full of everything he felt for her, baring it all, holding nothing back. His mouth opened silently, and he worded out, "I love you," with no voice. She whimpered softly as he lifted himself up, pulling her close in his arms. Buffy hugged him back, as tightly as she could, not wanting to let go for anyone, not even Riley.

But she knew she had to let go for herself.

And for Angel.

Angel's hand held the back of her head, cradling it, as he felt her hot tears land on his shoulder. She sniffled against him, her hands feeling the tight, tense muscles under his back, knowing how much that single embrace was costing him. At length he pulled back, and looked her deeply in the eyes again. He leaned forward, kissing her softly on the mouth.

The kiss was full of meaning, and sweet and far too short, but it was the only way to kiss someone who....

Who you were saying goodbye to for the final time.

Buffy wouldn't see him again, and he wouldn't see her.

The kiss ended, and Buffy slowly stood up, their hands linked. She began to move away, looking anywhere but at Angel, and their hands slowly slipped from each other's grasp until only their fingertips were touching.

And then she was gone.

"Riley." Buffy stepped into his room and closed the door softly behind her. Riley looked up at her from his place on the small couch, not surprised, and then looked away, his mouth tight, his eyes angry. Buffy switched on a lamp, lighting up the room. He had been sitting in the dark, alone.

Maybe I shouldn't have waited until night to come and talk to him, she thought briefly. It doesn't look like he's cooled down.

"Buffy," he greeted in a hard voice.

"Riley, there's a lot you don't understand," she started quietly, sinking into a chair across from him.

"Then explain it to me!" he burst out. "That's all I ever wanted you to do; I just wanted you to tell me what was going on, to share things with me. I've compromised myself so many times with the Initiative-- for you-- that it's surprising that I haven't been fired. Or something worse. I did it because you were important to me." He looked down at his hands bitterly. "I guess I'm not as important to you."

"Riley," she repeated gently. "It's not that. It's just... It hurts me when I talk about him. There are so many things that I can't even tell you, because I can't tell myself."

He finally looked her in the eyes, his expression pleading. "Then tell me what you can."

Buffy nodded with a sigh, and leaned back in the chair wearily. After a moment, she began. "Angel was made a vampire a long time ago. He's about two hundred and forty-five years old. He was like all of them, for over a hundred years, and then he fed on the wrong girl. A gypsy. As penance, the clan cursed him with a soul."

Riley looked at her in confusion, and she elaborated, telling him what Angel had told her years ago. "When a human becomes a vampire, the demon gets your body, but it doesn't get your soul. That's gone somewhere. You don't feel remorse or compassion or anything but... There's just evil inside of you. So when he got his soul back, he felt about two lifetimes of guilt hanging over his head."

"And you bought this?" Riley asked incredulously.

"I didn't have a reason not to," Buffy said honestly. "And a lot of reasons to believe."

"Like what?"

"Well, he saved my life... so many times. And we fell in love," she said simply, surprised that the words came out so easily. "And then, on the night of my seventeenth birthday... On the night of my seventeenth birthday..." Buffy trailed off, blinking away the tears that were gathering in her eyes.

His voice a bit more gentle, noting the break in her words. "On the night of your seventeenth birthday...?" he prompted.

"We made love." She swallowed hard. "And... It was taken away from him."

"What?"

"His soul," she confessed softly, feeling the pain of the experience, as though it were still happening to her. "The gypsies had put in a clause, that if he ever achieved perfect happiness, if there was ever a single moment in which he forgot and didn't feel guilty for everything he had done, he would lose his soul. And he became Angelus again."

Riley raised his head slowly, shock and regret filling his expression. "Buffy..."

She shook her head. "I fought him. For months, I fought him. But I still loved him, you see, so I wasn't strong enough to... kill him. And then he killed one of my friends, someone that had been really close to us... Especially to Giles. Her name was Jenny Calendar. He killed her, and *then* I was strong enough. There was a demon a while after that. Acathla. Angel was trying to raise him. He would suck the world into Hell. And I was told that the only way to stop the world from going up in flames was to kill Angel. I was told that killing him would send them both back to Hell. And we fought." She gave a sad, broken laugh, brushing away a few stray tears. "Big old sword fight ensued. But what I didn't know was that Willow... Willow was doing the spell to re-curse him." Her voice was a whisper. "And it worked."

Riley's eyebrows drew together. "It worked," he echoed, confused for the moment at her tears.

"But the porthole was already opened," Buffy said softly. "And I had to kill him anyway. I had to kill Angel, the vampire that I loved, to save the world. So we kissed, and I told him that I loved him, and then I stabbed him. And I left." She nodded. "Life pretty much sucked for a long time after that. I ran away, didn't tell anyone what had happened... I was alone for a long time. But I came back... And so did Angel."

"From Hell?"

"We don't really know how it happened," Buffy said, answering the bewildered tone in his voice. "But it did. For a while, we tried to stay away from each other... Sort of. I mean, he was healing and I was helping him, but other than that, I was getting on with my life. Or trying to. But it didn't work for long. And we sort of fell deeper than ever. There are a lot of things that I could tell you about what happened last year. The snow, the dreams Angel and I shared, the three or four times we broke up. That's one of the reasons that I was so vague about the things that Faith had done. She had tried to make him lose his soul again, tried to take him away from..." She shrugged. "From the good guys, I guess. From me."

"So that's why you hate Faith," Riley stated.

"I don't hate her," Buffy disagreed. "I hurt for her. And I'm angry with her. And I'll kill her if I have to. But I don't hate her."

"Why not...?"

"Because I can't. Because we're two sides of the same coin, the only two girls in the world capable of what we can do." Buffy shook her head. "But this isn't about Faith. Riley, last year, Angel told me he was leaving. After the ascension; you remember what I told you about that?"

He nodded.

"Well, Faith wanted the ascension to go smoothly, so she tried to take me out of the running. By hurting Angel. She hit him with a poisoned dart, and thought she had won. But there was a cure." Buffy swallowed again. "The blood of a Slayer. So I tracked her, and ended up putting her in a coma... But she got away from me before I could bring her to Angel, so...."

"So you fed him," Riley stated, already knowing the answer.

"Yes. Rather than let him die, I fed him from myself. He drank from me and, Riley, I still don't regret it. I would probably do it over again if I had to." She exhaled. "After he was healed, and after I was healed... And after the ascension... He left. For LA. He runs a detective agency now. And I said goodbye to him this morning."

"You said goodbye?"

"I love him, and I always will, for a million reasons. But I love you too. And that's not changing, even with how deeply I feel about Angel," Buffy said, looking away from her boyfriend. "It wasn't that you weren't important enough for me to tell you all these things... It was that you were so important that I didn't want to lose you once I told."

"Buffy," Riley said hoarsely. She looked up at him, her eyes shimmering. "You're not going to lose me."

A strangled sob burst out of her throat, and Buffy launched herself into his arms. They fell back on the bed together. "Thank you," she whispered fervently, shaking her head against his chest. "I love you."

"I love you too," he murmured, kissing her hair and cheek and neck. "And I couldn't leave you, even if I wanted to. But I don't. That's what love is, isn't it?"

A smile broke over her face. "I think that's obsession," she laughed.

Riley smiled. "That too." He kissed her mouth hotly, his hands holding her close. Buffy giggled against him, opening her mouth under his, as pliant as a rag doll in his arms. Maybe the bad is gone for good, she thought. Just like that.

"It is," Riley murmured against her mouth, and Buffy realized that she had been talking out loud. "Just like that. Because we love each other."

Buffy nodded, and kissed him again, warm and laughing and happy in his embrace. Something tickled the back of her mind, and her heart froze for a moment, reaching out. It quickly melted, finding nothing but love and acceptance and warmth towards her, and Buffy reached out and switched the light back off, content in her boyfriend's room and life and heart.

And Angel looked up at the room, saw the light go off, and sighed, feeling Buffy's heart search for his and find it, feeling her goodbye. He would always love her too. Yesterday, today and tomorrow.

So he let her go.

And as he walked into the night, a content feeling settled in his stomach, contentment for Buffy, and for himself. It was a hard sacrifice, but they made it for each other. He smiled.

That's what love was all about.

The End

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