"Kiss Me Twice For Goodbye "

Author: Amy
Contact: Slvrbttn@aol.com

She looked happy. It was something he'd always wanted for her, something that seemed just an inch too far out of his reach. The familiar ache cut through his chest as he watched her laugh, laying her head against a chest that didn't belong to him.

Angel sighed, turning away. She could probably hear Riley's heart beating.

He hardly knew if it was worth it anymore, to come. What was the point of it, anyway? Come and tell her, show her how much he still felt for her, ruin the happiness that she had managed to form out of the wound their love had left behind? He'd been heartless in his time-- soulless, actually-- but he didn't know if he could do it again. Especially not to Buffy.

She'd been through enough at his hands.

The irony of the situation was almost laughable. Had he not left her all of those years ago, had he not thought he was doing what was best for both of them, he wouldn't be in this situation right now. He wouldn't be hurting so badly, hungry for every moment he missed, every moment they could have shared.

Angel glanced back up at the window, and saw her lift herself up from the couch, moving away from Riley's side to walk to the window. Her face was questioning. She looked out curiously, and Angel expertly faded into the shadows. Now was not the time to do it. Perhaps the time would never come. He saw her shake her head at something that Riley said, and then shrug and turn to walk back to him.

She cast one more look behind her, then smiled. Angel recognized it as her 'I'm being ridiculous' smile. He sighed again.

It was a connection that they would always have, he knew. Even if she could no longer recognize or describe it. Something was lingering on the edge of her consciousness, and that something was him. Her blood still coursed through his veins. Their hearts still ticked in perfect harmony, in the subconscious that they shared. She knew he was close.

She just... Didn't know that she knew.

Maybe he would tell her tomorrow.

Buffy giggled, breathing in the earthy scent of the man next to her. Riley gave her a warm squeeze, dropping a kiss into her hair. "You need to stop being so suggestive. I'm still the Slayer," she reminded him. "I could still kick your ass."

"Which is also something I wouldn't mind," he chuckled.

"Riley..." Her voice carried a hint of a warning, and then her eyes softened playfully. "Just until the wedding. I know it doesn't make much sense, but it sounds old-fashioned and beautiful to me. Waiting for the wedding night. I know we've already... But I like the idea. It's just two more months. Please? For me?"

He sighed heavily, very much the put-upon man, and flashed his puppy eyes at her. She met them levelly, though, and he gave up all pretext of being hurt. "You know I'm okay with it, Buffy. I'm just playing." His voice got quieter, seductive. "But that doesn't mean we can't do other..."

Riley felt her stiffen in his arms, and looked down in concern. "Or not, if you don't think..."

"Riley." She gestured to the window, stood up. "I think... Something's out there."

"What?"

Buffy reached the window and looked out, her eyes searching. "I'm just... I can feel something. I... Don't know what it is."

"Bad? Slayer senses bad?"

"No," she said slowly. "That's the weird thing. It's like the feeling that I always got when Willow did a spell or something. Magick. But it doesn't feel like black magick to me, just like it's being done near here or something." After a moment of looking into the darkness, she shrugged and turned away. Something called to her.

She cast one look behind her before she shook off the feeling and sat back down.

"So, dinner tomorrow night?" He showered soft kisses over the curve of her neck. "La Cabana."

"Sure." Suddenly she felt uncomfortable in his arms, and shifted uneasily. The moment passed, sliding away from her like water off a duck, and she smile a little more firmly. "That sounds wonderful."

Angel studied his menu carefully, not really seeing any of the words. He took a sip of coffee. He knew he was basically stalking her. Following her from place to place, uncomfortable every moment she was out of his sight. He was waiting for her. Tonight, he would look at her for the last time, and turn away from the remnants of their relationship. He wanted her to be happy. Even now, if the only way she could really be happy was with another man, then that's what he wanted for her.

She walked in on Riley's arm, and Angel's eyes soaked her in greedily. Her hair shined and fell in soft waves past her shoulder, each side pulled up with a gold comb. Her dress was filled with warm reds and oranges, fitting her skin tightly, showing off the swell of her breasts and the smallness of her waist. The skirt fell in gentle folds to mid-calf, looking light and airy, swishing every time she moved. Her eyes sparkled. Her skin glowed.

A small, hidden part of Angel wept as he looked at her.

Riley pulled out her chair and Buffy sat down gracefully, smiling up at him and accepting the warm kiss he pressed to her mouth. The ring on her finger glittered brightly. Riley sat down across from her, and the waiter came over, chatting with them for a moment. Angel rolled his eyes in annoyance as the waiter stepped in front of his view of Buffy.

After a minute, the waiter stepped away and Angel smiled in relief. Seeing her, even from a distance, was the only kind of relief he was ever going to get, he knew that much. She was everything he was never allowed to have. If not for one reason, then for another. If not for another, then for something different entirely.

"She's lovely, no?" a voice broke in.

Angel looked up, startled, and then smiled awkwardly. "Yes, she is. Is she... Married?" he asked, thinking of the ring.

"Not yet." The waiter smiled, almost fondly. "She will be in a few months. Would you perhaps like me to mention that she has an admirer? She has many, you know."

"I don't doubt it," Angel muttered, jealousy lacing his voice. "And the man that she's with... He treats her well?"

"Yes. I see them laughing together often," the waiter replied. "They come in two or three times a month. Very nice people. She never forgets to smile at whoever waits on her."

Angel closed his eyes for a moment, a bittersweet warmth filling his chest. "She does have the most beautiful smile."

The waiter paused and frowned with embarrassment, as if suddenly realizing that he had been gossiping about one customer with another. He shook his head quickly, lifting his order pad. "And what will you have tonight, Sir?"

Angel watched Buffy's mouth curve up, watched Riley's hand envelop her smaller one. Saw the love in both of their eyes. "Just the check."

"Sir?" The waiter looked uncertain. "Is there...?"

"No, nothing's wrong." Angel smiled, a little sadly. "I just realized that I'm late..." He sighed heavily, his voice lowering to a whisper. "I always stayed too long at the carnival."

"All right." The waiter set the check down on the table.

Angel took out a few bills and placed them on top of the slip of paper. "Keep the change."

The waiter nodded his thanks, and then hurried away. Angel stood slowly, suddenly realizing that he had a problem. He couldn't get to the door without going past Buffy.

Feeling a little like Lucy Ricardo, he picked up his menu and opened it, holding up in front of his face casually. He began walking carefully, counting his steps. The door hadn't looked that far away. *Eighteen feet so far. It couldn't be more than twenty-five.*

And then it happened.

Buffy moved her chair back to slide out of it, and Angel, just passing her, stumbled over it. His knee banged into the back of the chair and he toppled over, crashing into Buffy, who went down with him in an illicitly tangled heap.

Riley flew to her side, his eyes searching for any bangs or wounds, and reached for her as she laid stock still in Angel's arms. Her eyes were locked steadily with Angel's, shock and fear and something else inside of them. His expression became repentant and grim but he allowed himself to hold her for a moment longer than was necessary before he pulled himself off of her and stood, brushing off his slacks.

He held out his hand and she took it in amazement, letting him lift her up into standing position. Not a word passed between them as they stared at each other. Just breath and the pounding of hearts and everything that could never be said.

"...Buffy? Buffy!" Finally, Riley's voice knifed through her consciousness and she turned to look at him. He looked back, anxiously. "Are you okay?"

"Yes." Her voice came out softer than she had intended and she quickly cleared her throat. "Yes, I'm fine."

"I'm sorry," Angel said, looking down sheepishly. "I was... Just leaving."

Riley's eyes darted to the man in front of them, his mouth dropping open in alarm. His hand stayed possessively on Buffy's arm. "Angel," he greeted levelly. "What brings you back here?"

"Don't you see it?" Buffy whispered.

"See what?" Riley demanded, annoyed at the breathy tone of her voice. He stopped himself and looked at her, softening. It wasn't her fault that Angel had interrupted them.

But she wasn't looking at Riley anymore. Her eyes were focused back on Angel. She took two tentative steps forward, and let her hand drift up to lay over his chest. Blue eyes met brown and glittering tears slipped down her cheeks. Her voice was stronger this time, firm, as though she had known it from the moment it happened.

"He's alive."

"Human?!" Riley burst out, looking back and forth between Buffy and the former vampire. "What the hell are you talking about? Dead flesh can't be reanimated, you know that as well as me! We're talking about the laws of nature here."

Angel glanced at Riley for a moment, "I would have thought that you'd figured out that the laws of nature are often broken since you've lived here."

"Who asked you?" Riley half-yelled. He took hold of Buffy's arm. "Let's go. He's... He's playing with your mind, Buffy."

"He didn't say a word about it," Buffy murmured quietly, reaching out to touch his chest again. "I saw it for myself. How could he be playing with my mind?" The heartbeat under her palm was steady and assured. A smile, full of gentle, hopeful excitement, curved her mouth.

Riley gritted his teeth. "I'm leaving," he told her. "If you're coming with me, you'd better come now. If not, I'll be at home when you come to your senses."

With that he was gone. Buffy slowly let her hand drop from Angel's chest but she didn't back away from him. He gave a silent sigh, a soft exhaling of breath, and she felt it warm against her face as he looked down at her. "You... Look wonderful," he finally managed.

"Yeah," she replied, fresh tears coming into her eyes. "You too. You look..." Her lip trembled.

"Alive?"

"Yes." She paused for a moment before continuing, gathering her courage. "How did this happen? How are you... Why did you come here?" Without waiting for him to answer, Buffy looked around and realized that Riley was no longer standing next to her. Her eyes darkened with dismay. "I... I have to go."

"Meet me tomorrow," he said quickly.

"What?"

"Tomorrow." His eyes were full of desperation, pleading with her for this one small favor, begging that she would say yes. "I'm staying at the Garden Tree Inn on Wilson Street. I'll meet you in the lobby at one?" His voice was low. "Please."

After a single moment of hesitation, she nodded her head yes and darted away from him, as though if she didn't go then, she wouldn't be able to leave him ever. She felt his eyes follow her as she left the restaurant, that dark gaze that still haunted her dreams sometimes.

Her heart ached.

Buffy arrived at Riley's apartment before he got there. She set down her purse and sank down onto the couch, chewing on her lower lip. What was she going to say to him? What *could* she say that would make up for the way she had acted back there? She had been completely rude and wrapped up in herself and still he had been enough of a gentleman to leave the car for her while he walked home. She felt terrible.

A moment later, Riley let himself in, stopping cold when he laid eyes on Buffy. She looked up apologetically, deciding that the truth-- or whatever kind of truth she could figure out was part-true-- right now would be the best way to go about it. "I'm sorry about the way I acted back there. I was... Surprised."

"Really?" he sneered. "Because you looked ecstatic."

"I was happy," she acknowledged, tearing her eyes away from him, "For him. It's not that often that something like this happens. If it ever does. I'll check with Giles, but I don't think a vampire has ever become human before."

Riley's voice got softer, tinged with hurt and the remnants of anger. "You looked like you were still in love with him."

"I..." Buffy cleared her throat, looking for the right words. "I've told you that I'm always going to love him in a way. And I haven't seen him in a few years. I'm sorry that I acted so badly, but you can't exactly say that I acted any differently than anyone else would have, if they had been in my shoes." Slowly she stood, walking over to him with quick steps. She met his eyes steadily and when she reached him, she slid her arms around his waist, laying her head against his chest. "You're the one who I want, Riley. I'm so in love with you... You've saved me, you know. I don't ever want to lose you."

He stood rigidly for a moment and then relaxed in her embrace, wrapping his arms around her and crushing her tightly against him. "I don't want to lose you, either, Buffy. I don't mean to get jealous... I trust you. But I think of how deeply you guys must have been in love to not care what each other was, and it... Scares me. That's how much I'm in love with you. And I think that if we were to have broken up and I ran into you on the street one day, I would still be in love with you as much as I am now. So I can't expect you to feel differently than I would."

"Expect me to feel differently," she begged quietly. "Expect everything from me that you've never expected from anyone. Expect me to stay with you always. Expect that I'll be the perfect wife, the perfect lover. Expect me to be faithful. Expect me to be the perfect mother to your children. Expect me to be your best friend. Expect me to do my best fighting beside you, because you're beside me. Expect me to get mad at you all of the time, and then make up with you within a minute of our fight because I can't stay mad at you for any longer than that. Expect me to never leave you." Her voice tremored with tears, "Expect me to love you forever. Please..."

His voice was rough and he leaned down to kiss her hotly. "If you'll expect the same things from me." He smiled suddenly. "Except substituting 'wife' for 'husband' and 'mother' for 'father.'"

She smiled brilliantly into his eyes. "It's a deal." For a moment she hesitated, looking away from him. Her voice was a whisper. "Make love to me tonight, Riley."

His gaze darkened with hunger as he stared down at her. Her lips were red from his kiss, her cheeks pink with desire. He nodded mutely and lifted her up, kissing her eagerly, his tongue fighting with hers for dominance.

Her feet dangled and she lifted them, winding them tightly around his hips, feeling his arousal as she ground against him frantically. His hand slid under her dress, gripping her bottom through her silky lingerie. Buffy moaned softly and Riley walked unsteadily into the bedroom. They fell on the bed in a tangled heap. His free hand moved up to her breast, cupping it in his large palm and Buffy ran her hands up his back, through his hair, her breath coming quicker.

He began to slip his fingers under her panties, feeling how ready she was but then, inexplicably, stopped. He slowly extracted himself from her arms. Buffy halted, confusion lighting her eyes. "What? What is it?" she asked breathlessly.

He turned back to her with a questioning gaze. "You... You wanted to wait until the wedding. You wanted it to be meaningful on our wedding night."

She gave him a soft smile. "It's always meaningful with you."

"Then why...?"

Buffy cleared her throat, sitting up and brushing her dress down again. She looked away. "I just... I wanted to be close to you tonight. I wanted..." The words were in her mind but wouldn't slide off of her tongue, in fear of hurting him.

His eyes, however, were gentle and understanding. "You don't have to prove anything to me, Buffy. You wanted us to wait, so we will." He smoothed her hair back from her face tenderly. "I believe in you."

It took a moment for Buffy to meet his eyes again and when she did, hers were filled with something he couldn't quite identify. Buffy could have easily told him that it was the fury over feeling the way she felt, mixed up with a healthy dollop of guilt to top it off but she remained silent. She lightly brushed his cheek with her fingers and shared a smile with him. "Thank you."

Riley nodded. "It's okay." He scooted over until they were sitting next to each other and laid a comforting arm around her shoulders. Buffy leaned into him. "So what are your plans for tomorrow?"

"Uhm..." Buffy's eyebrows knitted together. "I'm spending the morning with Willow and Xander and Giles... You know, one of those 'before I get married, I need to spend time with my friends' kind of things. And then after lunch, I thought I'd..." She paused, then rushed on before she could stop herself, "Go and get my wedding dress fitted."

"Mmm, sounds nice. You in a wedding dress. You out of a wedding dress." He nuzzled her ear with a smile. "You in or out of anything, as a matter of fact. Or me in..."

Buffy laughed. "Do you really want to finish that sentence when the wedding is still a couple of months away?"

"I really do," he smiled, "But I won't. So what time do you think you'll be getting home?"

"Oh, I don't know," she said vaguely. "Fittings sometimes take a long time. A few hours at least. My appointment is at one. Five or six?"

"Really?" He gave a low whistle. "That really is a long time. Well, okay. Do you want me to come by? We can have dinner."

"I... I don't know," she said uneasily. "Willow said that she might want to have dinner with me too. I'll call you when I get home, let you know?"

"Sure," he said slowly, watching her carefully. "I'll be home a little after five."

"Okay." Buffy snuggled closer to him. "But I'm sort of tired right now. Do you mind if I sleep here tonight?"

"Have I ever minded before?" he asked, a smile playing around his lips. "And since when have you ever felt the need to ask?"

"Since I don't want to lead you on and then be accused of being a tease," she joked. She stood quickly and discarded her dress, then laid down next to him in her slip, closing her eyes right away. Riley kicked off his shoes without getting up and then wrapped his arms around her, holding her close, inhaling the scent of her hair. He fell asleep almost instantly.

And Buffy stayed awake for the length of the night, listening to his even breathing and praying that she would be able to keep the promises she had made.

Buffy finally fell asleep a little after dawn and woke abruptly at twelve-thirty. She glanced at the clock and bolted up, nearly falling out of the bed with surprise. "Shit. I know I set that alarm."

Quickly she called Giles's house. Giles answered the phone on the first ring. "Buffy?"

"Hi." She sighed. "I'm so sorry, Giles. I... Had a late night, and I slept through the alarm. Is everyone there?"

"Yes," he answered worriedly. "Are you all right? We were concerned. We tried calling your apartment a dozen times."

"I'm at Riley's," she said softly. "I'm sorry, again. Riley and I sort of got into a fight last night and then I couldn't seem to sleep. I guess it slipped my mind that I was going to spend the day with you guys. Or maybe I was just exhausted. I... Really am sorry," she repeated. "I was really looking forward to today, to spending some time with all of you."

Giles's voice was gentle. "That's quite all right, Buffy. Would you like to reschedule?"

"Yes," she said gratefully.

"Oh, Willow wants to speak you you," Giles said quickly. A moment later Willow picked up.

"Buffy?"

"Hey, Will," Buffy said.

"Hold on. Let me switch phones." Buffy listened as Willow set down the phone and picked up the cordless, hanging up the other one. "I just want to talk to you alone for a second," Willow explained.

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," Willow murmured, and Buffy heard a door shutting. "I just wanted to say... How are you?"

"What do you mean?"

"I saw Angel last night," Willow said simply. "I was driving home from Xander's at about midnight, and I saw him walking down the street so I pulled over. I gave him a ride to hotel. And I noticed... Well, his energy was different. He told me you saw him?"

"He's alive," Buffy said wearily. "Yes, I noticed. We're going to meet today at... In less than a half hour, actually. Angel sort of bumped into me while Riley and I were having dinner last night. It was... Hard."

"Oh..." Willow let out a long sigh. "I'm sorry. What are you going to say to him?"

"Who?"

"Um, either?"

"Well, I'm pretty sure that I've said everything that I needed to say to Riley," Buffy responded slowly. Her voice was sad. "I don't have any idea what I'm going to say to Angel. He's... Human, Willow. Angel's human." The tears that she had so valiantly held back began falling.

"I know, Hon," Willow said gently. "I'm... Sorry that this is so hard."

"Why couldn't it have happened five years ago?" Buffy wept quietly. "Or never... Just when things were perfect, when I was really happy, this happened and now I don't know what to do."

"It's okay," Willow soothed. "It'll be okay..."

"Do you know how many dreams I've had where this has happened?" Buffy asked rhetorically. "How many times I've wondered what would happen if Angel suddenly became human? The details in my dreams were insanely real. Spending all day in bed, joking and laughing, eating ice cream together and being in love. Kissing in the sunlight, on the beach. And everytime I would wake up from one of these dreams, I'd rocket from all-consuming happiness to a mind-bending depression when I'd realize they weren't real. How am I supposed to deal with this? I'm in *love* with Riley, Willow. He's wonderful and perfect and everything I've ever wanted. But..." She trailed off, sucking in her breath.

"But why, if you're so over Angel, are you trying so hard to convince yourself that you are?" Willow asked softly.

Buffy fell silent, recognizing the truth in Willow's words. She glanced at the clock. "I need to go. I'll... Talk to you later, okay?"

"Okay. Do you still want me to come over tonight?"

"Yeah. I'll call you when I get home," Buffy murmured.

They disconnected quickly and Buffy ran to the closet, pulling out some clothes and getting dressed in record time. She ran a brush through her hair, wincing at it caught on some tangles but in too much of a hurry to go easy on herself.

She sighed on her way out of the door, trying to push some of her happiness away, trying to make herself feel nothing for the man who was waiting for her. But she couldn't manage to accomplish that amount of apathy.

She had a date with an Angel.

His heart pounded as the elevator doors opened. He couldn't see her yet, but he knew that she was there, waiting, her heart thudding in harmony with his own. He stepped out, closing his eyes in pleasure as the sun hit his face in the well-lit lobby and then opened them, glancing around.

Buffy stood, feeling him near also. Quickly she turned, catching his eyes with her own. In her dreams, she had seen him like this, warmed by the sun. In her dreams, it could happen. She had stopped hoping long ago that it really ever would. Buffy stepped forward anxiously, absorbing the look of his face; the paleness of his skin, his strong nose, his dark eyes. His gaze followed her silently, not questioning her need to study him.

Buffy took his hand and dragged him closer to the window. Her hands drifted up, tracing his eyebrows, his cheekbones, his jaw. Angel exhaled slowly, trying to pull his eyes away from hers but he couldn't seem to do it.

Her voice was shaky. "When?"

"Come up to my room," he said gently, and suddenly it wasn't her holding his hand, but him holding hers. She nodded unthinkingly and let him lead her back to the elevator. His voice was smooth, like silk. "And I'll explain all of it to you."

The elevator ride seemed to take forever. Seconds ticked away slowly, a lifetime of emotion passing in each one, and Buffy's hand remained in Angel's strong grip. What was really less than ninety seconds seemed forever to both of them, who were eager to finally say the things they had been waiting to say. The elevator stopped on floor six and Angel ushered her out and two doors down the hall, unlocking his door swiftly.

Buffy stepped around, surveying the room. The only thing she could see for sure was his was a small black travel bag on the floor. She nodded to it. "Still into black, I see."

"Old habits die hard," he replied, smiling a bit. "Would you like some coffee? Water? Anything?"

Buffy hesitated. "Could you... Will you open the drapes?"

Angel's eyes flew to her and he nodded, crossing the room in two strides and flinging the curtains open. Buffy let herself sigh, an emotion she couldn't describe overwhelming her as she saw him standing in the sunlight again. Angel's voice was low. "Something to drink?"

"Got any vodka around?"

He smirked. "In the minibar." He opened the small fridge and handed her one of the tiny bottles. Buffy opened it quickly, taking a gulp to smooth her ruffled feathers, and then sat down heavily in one of the chairs.

"Do I have to ask again?" she persisted in a small voice.

Angel shook his head slowly, sinking into a chair across from her. He cleared his throat. "No. You deserve to know." He sucked in his breath. "A few years ago, I found an ancient scroll full of prophesies thought lost for thousands of years. I was in it. I was one of those prophesies. It was prophesied that after the coming battles, as a reward, I would be made human. No drinking blood. No curse. Everything I had ever wanted."

"So that's it?" She shook her head, amazed that it was so simple. "You save the world a few dozen times and the Powers That Be decide that you're human-material? ...Why didn't you call me as soon as you found this out?"

"Because the prophesy wasn't specific on when it was going to happen," he answered, looking away. "What would I have said? 'Buffy, I'm going to be human sometime before the end of the world. Want to wait for me, even though it might not happen until after you're dead?'"

She stood up angrily. "We agreed!" Fury and sadness flashed in her eyes. "We agreed on this, Angel! We talked about it! No keeping secrets that are going to affect each other!"

"I know," he said uneasily, "But what would *you* have said?"

"I..." Her eyes fell. "I don't know. Okay, you're human now. What... Why did you come here? Is there something else?"

The corner of his mouth lifted and he wondered for an instant how she could tell that he was keeping something from her. He nodded. "On account of... Well, I had certain reasons to think that... When I was turned back into a human, I was granted one request for my 'noble efforts.' I chose to keep the strength that I had as a vampire." He shrugged. "It makes things less complicated that way. I don't really know what I would do if I wasn't fighting evil and...."

"And?"

"And I wanted there to be a way that..." He shook his head. "I came to Sunnydale to tell you. Giles told me that you were happy, that you were getting married but I wanted to see you for myself, to make sure for myself that he was right. I guess I was hoping... But it's a moot point at this stage. You're happy. I'm not going to do anything to get in the way of that. I don't even want to try."

Her eyes brimmed with unshed tears. "What's a moot point? What were you hoping?"

His gaze bore into hers. Angel didn't want to answer but he felt the words slipping off of his tongue of their own accord, without his permission. "I was hoping that it would be the way it was last time."

Something, Buffy didn't know what, clicked in the back of her mind. "What do you mean?"

"This... Isn't the time, Buffy... I--"

"No!" she said more forcefully. "What do you mean?"

Angel put his fingers over his eyes for a moment, rubbing the bridge of his nose. The light was suddenly painful. After a moment he stood, began pacing the room. His voice had an edge of anger to it. "You really want to know? You want me to tell you this thing that I know might break your heart? You want me to bring up our past yet again, our past that neither of us can seem to really think about, let alone talk about?" he demanded. "It happened a long time ago, Buffy. Do you really want to hear?"

"Just--" Her voice broke. "Just tell me. Angel..."

He looked up at the sound of his name whispered on her lips. It had been so long since she had said his voice like that. Desperation clawed at his heart to tell her, to purge himself of the sacrifice made so long ago, if for nothing else than because she might remember. "Do you remember that Thanksgiving a few years ago when I helped you out? And you came to LA the next day to... Tell me that we needed space?"

She nodded hesitantly.

The words felt heavy in his mouth. "Somewhere, because of that, there's a missing day. Maybe there's a whole alternate universe that split off then-- I don't know. But you were in my office, my life, for a whole hell of a lot longer than the five minutes you think took to tell me what you needed to say."

Buffy rose in a swirl of blue silk, approaching him tentatively. Her eyes searched his. "Don't stop. Please?"

His hand brushed her cheek. "No. I won't. Not anymore." He took a deep breath. "I was made human that day. By the demon that you saw me kill. It had... Regenerative powers. The first time, we didn't kill it. We tracked it and fought it, and some of its blood mixed with mine. And suddenly, I was a person again. I got to kiss you in the sunlight, make love to you all night. I got to watch you sleeping. I got to tell you that I loved you. I got to do all of the things neither of us thought were possible. I even had the insane hope that you and I would finally be able to get to grow old together. Get married. Have children."

His last word cracked and Buffy's tears began sliding down her face. Angel carefully wiped them away, knowing that he had no right to be touching her so tenderly after so long.

"But the demon didn't die when I thought it had," he continued, his voice dropping to a whisper. "It came back to life and I went to stop it. I almost got killed. You saved me at the last minute but I realized that I couldn't do what I was supposed to do if I was like that. As much as I wanted to belong to you alone, I didn't. The Fates just weren't that kind yet. So I went to the Oracles, told them to change me back, and they took back the day." His own tears began to fall. "Like it never happened."

"But it did," she murmured, weeping quietly. "It did. I know it did."

He gazed at her and saw the memories crashing down around her. She saw him in a new light, remembering everything at last. Memories of laughter and sex and hope and longing and a tragic goodbye. She felt as though they were transported back, and suddenly she saw herself standing in his kitchen, about to touch. She laid her hand over his. He looked into her eyes.

And then she was in his arms.

They kissed frantically, eagerly, too many years of denied love overwhelming them all at once. Her hands ripped at his clothing as he lifted her up and fell with her onto the bed. The kiss was hungry, passion and fury and sadness exploding from each of them in the same moment. He pulled away, kissing her neck and jaw, tasting the salt of her skin.

Buffy moaned, drawing him closer to her. Their clothing seemed to dissolve into the sheets leaving them both intimately pressed against each other. Angel braced himself over her, running the tip of his erection against her damp center and Buffy shivered for a moment, hesitated.

And then the hesitation was gone as she placed her hand on the small of his back and pulled him toward her. He entered her with one thrust, groaning as the slick heat of her enveloped him. Buffy lifted up to meet him, growling and they pumped together frantically; almost angrily, making up for lost time.

They came together quickly, furiously. They laced fingers and Angel gripped the sheets, his eyes on hers as he spilled inside of her. Buffy mewled beneath him.

They laid still for a moment and then Angel slowly withdrew from her. Buffy's eyes were guilty and wanting, sated and insatiable at the same time. She pressed a kiss onto his mouth, then on his chest. She snuggled closer into his embrace, laying her ear over his heart.

And she listened to it beat.

"Hey Willow." Riley smiled easily. "How was breakfast with Buffy?"

"Oh, she slept right through your alarm," Willow said with a grin. "She called us around noon, apologizing like crazy."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"No worries." Willow nodded to the clock. "What's up?"

"Oh, I just came by to see if you knew the name of the place where Buffy's getting her wedding dress tailored," he shrugged, his eyes twinkling. "I thought I might stop by and see her."

"What do you mean?"

"She had that appointment for the fitting or something today," Riley explained. "Do you know the place?"

"She didn't..." Willow's mouth went dry. Riley looked at her in confusion. "She didn't... Mention that you were going to see her."

"It's a surprise."

Willow tried to get herself to think fast but her mind seemed to be sluggish. She sighed, pausing thoughtfully, working it out. "Oh!" she exclaimed happily after a moment, "You can't!"

"Why not?" he frowned.

"Because you're not supposed to see the bride in her wedding dress before the wedding," she pointed out. "And you know how Buffy's been on tradition over this whole thing. She'd kill you if you ruined it after she finally found the other dress." The words tumbled out with relief, and Riley arched his eyebrows.

He nodded slowly. It made sense. "I guess..."

"So, uhmm, I'll see you later, okay?" Willow asked, not wanting to prolong the conversation. Her face was already flaming red from the lie.

Riley looked at her in bewilderment but smiled. "Yeah. Sure. You're going over to Buffy's tonight, right?"

"Right," she said with a relieved sigh, glad she wasn't lying.

"Maybe I'll see you there," he said, waving goodbye as he left.

Willow rolled her eyes and buried her face in her hands. Years of working on top of the Hellmouth and she still blushed like crazy whenever she lied.

Buffy was going to owe her big for this one.

Buffy woke with a start, her peaceful smile fading as she looked around. "God, it wasn't just a dream," she whispered.

Angel stirred beside her, crushing her gently to him. He smiled. "I know."

Her eyes were wide and horrified. "N-No," she began but he kissed her warmly, cutting off the rest of her words. The kiss went for a moment until Buffy's stomach was in danger of turning into jelly again and then she pushed him away firmly. She looked into his eyes, her fingers touching his lips with a silent signal to listen to her. "I..." She sighed, unable to say the words she needed to say while looking at him, "I have to go. I have dinner with Willow tonight."

His smile was sweet, relaxed. He kissed her again, lightly. "Well, if you have to. Tell Willow I said hi. I saw her last night, you know."

"Yeah, she told me." Buffy stood and began gathering her quickly discarded clothing, slipping each piece on. "What did you guys talk about?"

"Well, she noticed that I was..." Angel grinned. "She warned me."

Buffy raised her eyebrows. "About?"

"She warned me that she would shove a stake through my beating heart if I hurt you again. Willow's a good friend, Buffy," Angel said, his eyes twinkling.

"The best anyone could have." Her voice sounded hollow.

Angel sat up, uncaring as the blankets slipped off, revealing his nudity. "Have I..." He swallowed, closing his eyes. Feeling stupid. "Have I hurt you, Buffy?" ~Of course you have. Of course this is going to hurt her. You should have never come.~

Buffy looked at him tenderly, stepping into her shoes. "No, you haven't." Her smile was gentle. "It's just... I don't know what I'm going to do, you know? How I'm going to... What I should say. This is like Melrose Place meets Forever Knight." She walked over to him and sat down, tracing her finger around his bared chest. Her voice was a whisper. "It's such a nice feeling, that beating."

"Yes," he said softly, catching her eyes.

She leaned over and brushed her mouth across his. "I'll... Talk to you later, all right?"

"All right."

"I lo..." Buffy sighed, glancing away. ~I won't betray him that much...~ "I'll see you soon."

"All of me, I hope," he said flirtatiously, then looked shocked at himself.

Buffy laughed and quickly left before he could convince her to stay.

"Thanks for starting dinner. You didn't have to."

Willow turned around from where she was stirring the spaghetti sauce and let her mouth drop open. "You had *sex* with him!" she hissed in shock.

"Willow!" Buffy shook her head, fighting back a smile that she knew didn't belong on her face.

"I'm sorry, but..." Willow tried to compose herself for a moment and when that didn't work, blurted the first thing that came into her mind. "But you had *sex* with him! I mean, didn't you? You look... God, you look. I just...."

Buffy suddenly felt completely weary, exhausted both physically and emotionally. She sat down heavily. "Yes. You're right. And I hate myself."

"When you first walked in the door, you didn't look like you hated yourself," Willow said, trying to tread lightly on what might be Buffy's broken heart.

"I didn't. But... Riley..." Buffy's eyes pleaded with her best friend to understand. She leaned forward in her chair, taking Willow's hand. "I didn't mean to. It was just... He was human before, Will. And he erased the day to save our lives. I mean, I never knew about the day, never remembered it, until now. And then all of the sudden it feels like that day again and I'm not supposed to feel like I used to? Like I would give anything up just for one more kiss, one more minute in his arms? Like I would just give up my *life* for the chance to see him in the sunlight?"

Willow paused for a moment as flashes of a forgotten day played in her memory, like a movie. Golden skin. Xander's warm gaze... After a moment, she shook her head, clearing it. "Shhh..." She knelt down next to Buffy, taking the small Slayer in her arms. "No. I know. I know what it's like to suddenly realize that you can have what you wanted. But now you have to decide... What do you want now?"

Buffy buried her face in Willow's hair. The smell of apples was oddly comforting. "I don't know," she cried softly. "Can't I just....?"

"Buffy, don't you remember what happened when *I* just?" Willow pointed out sadly. Her heart ached for her friend.

Buffy nodded dismally against Willow's shoulder, and began to pull away. She sniffled, picking up a napkin and wiping her tears away. Willow squeezed her hand, her smile reassuring.

"What's this?"

Both girls looked up at Riley. Their expressions mirrored each other's. Caught. Trapped. No way to escape. Riley studied Buffy's tear-streaked face seriously.

Willow coughed, her eyes darting to her friend. "Uh.... It's that time of the month?"

"Uh huh." Riley narrowed his eyes disbelievingly. "Which was why you were on your period last week," he said bluntly.

Willow bit her lip, flashing a guilty look to Buffy. Buffy smiled uneasily, touching Willow's shoulder. "It's okay, Will. Everybody gets nervous when their wedding approaches. Anyway, the nervousness is gone."

Relief appeared on Riley's face. "Oh. Good. I mean, not that you were nervous, but that that's all it was."

Buffy dried her face with the napkin, looking at Riley in confusion. "What are you doing here? Is something wrong?"

"No... Nothing's wrong." He shrugged. "I just wanted to see you today, and since Willow refused to allow me to see you in your wedding dress, I thought I'd stop by tonight." He walked over to her and pulled her close, brushing a soft kiss against her temple. "I just missed you."

"Riley," Buffy started hesitantly, "I thought you knew that this night was for Willow and..." She sighed deeply. "I missed you too."

He pulled back slightly. "Do you want me to go?"

"No..." She trailed off, her eyes going to Willow. The unspoken request lay in the air and Willow nodded, reading her best friend as well as she had for years.

"Actually, I was going to go before Buffy had her little nervous breakdown," Willow supplied, picking up her bag. "I think that's what instigated it. Uhm, Giles called. He needed my help on... The computer. Yes. So I'll leave. Bye, guys," she said, tripping over her words, and rushing out the door.

"What's going on with Willow?"

Buffy shrugged, smiling faintly at him and slipping uncomfortably out of his grasp. She walked over to the sauce pan and began stirring it gently. "I don't know. Why don't you set the table? Dinner's soon."

"He's in there, isn't he?"

Willow's surprised shriek came out a silent hiss and she fumbled in her bag for a stake as she whirled around to face the....

Angel. Willow sighed, rolling her eyes. "You're human now and you *still* need a little bell," she grumbled. "Don't you know any better than to sneak up on people in the dark in Sunnydale?"

"Sorry," he apologized. "I thought that was me making noise."

"Well it's not," she said irritably. "A panther makes more noise when it's hunting." She turned her eyes to him and immediately felt bad. She softened her voice. "Yes, he's in there."

"Are they... Talking?" he ventured.

"Maybe." Willow rubbed her eyes wearily. "You know, I don't know if Buffy mentioned it, but this is sort of a hectic time. You should have turned human years ago."

"I did."

"Oh yeah." She touched his arm gently. "I'm sorry I'm so crabby. It's just that things are so weird right now and... I just worry about her, you know?"

"I know," he acknowledged, his gaze moving back to the house. "I really do."

"I know you know," she said with a heavy breath. "That's the only reason I still approve of you, even though I probably shouldn't. I see her sometimes, you know, and she's looking off past me or Xander or Giles, not even seeing us there and I know that it's those moments that she's thinking of you. She doesn't tell us about them anymore. She stopped talking about you a long time ago. I think it got too painful for her to even mention."

"I'm sorry," he murmured. "Willow, you know that I would die before I would let any harm come to Buffy, don't you? I didn't mean to come in and make her life more complicated, though it looks like I can't help that now. I just wanted to... See her again. It was selfish, I know. I wanted her to see me. Like she never could before."

Willow nodded sympathetically. "It's okay, Angel. You've spent a long time being selfless, I think you deserve a moment or two when you think about yourself. Come on."

"Huh?" He tore his eyes away from the light in Buffy's window.

"Get in," Willow clarified. "I'm driving you to your hotel."

"Oh. Well, thanks, but I was thinking that maybe I should stay... Maybe Buffy will need me to..."

"To what?" she interrupted. "To help her tell the man she's engaged to that she's spent the afternoon cheating on him? Yeah. That'd go over real well, with Riley *and* Buffy. They'd love you forever for helping out on that one."

Angel shook his head, biting back a laugh at her sarcastic tone, and got into the car. "I see your point."

Buffy filled Riley's plate with steaming spaghetti. She set the plate down in front of him and then started filling her own. She sat down silently across from him, her eyebrows knitted with worry. Riley reached out and placed his hand over hers as she reached for her fork.

"Buffy." She looked into his eyes, those gentle blue eyes that she had fallen in love with. He radiated concern for her. "What is it? I know something's going on. I know you want to tell me something."

"No," she said under her breath, "I don't want to tell you."

He smiled patiently, lacing his fingers through hers. "You know you can tell me anything. If you're nervous about the wedding, we can talk about it. I have fears, too. You don't have to be scared that I'm going to hate you for anything that you have to say."

Buffy closed her eyes, breaking their shared gaze. "I don't want to tell you, but I have to, Riley. I can't not tell you. And then you'll have to decide about the hating."

He chuckled. "What could you do that was so wrong I could hate you for it?"

She stifled a hysteric laugh. "I slept with Angel today."

His hand slid off hers.

"Okay..." He cleared his throat. "That's not funny. I was expecting something stupid and funny. Unless you're kidding-- please be kidding-- in which case... It's still not funny, but..."

"I'm not kidding," she confessed painfully. "I went to see him today, to work out some of the things that we... Needed to work out and it got carried away. I was filled with these... Feelings that I'd been..."

"I don't give a fuck about those feelings!" Riley yelled, shoving his chair back and standing up. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Tears stung her eyes. "Riley..."

"You've *got* to be kidding!" His face went white with rage when she didn't agree with him. "...After last night? This is what you're telling me. After last night, after the promises that you made, you went out and BROKE THEM ALL?! God, Buffy, you have to tell me if I'm wrong. I can't be right. I just won't believe it."

"I didn't mean to..." She trailed off, her tears beginning their now-familiar path down her face.

"Bullshit. 'Expect me to love you forever. Expect me to be faithful. Expect me to never leave you,'" he mocked, pacing angrily around the room. "'Expect me to be the perfect wife and mother.' Do you have any *IDEA* how much I believed you when you said these things? How much I expected them to be true, JUST BECAUSE YOU SAID SO?!"

"Yes, and I--" her voice broke.

"You what?" he demanded, spitting out his words with disgust. "You didn't mean to, right? You didn't set out to break my heart. You didn't know the whole time that you would pick him over me? You loved me best, right? It was an accident?"

"Riley, please." She stood up and walked over to him anxiously. "I..."

And then she saw his eyes.

No longer that wonderful loving blue she was used to seeing, now they were sparking with a cold fury that singed her very soul. Buffy drew back, her words dull, muted with grief and remorse. "I'm sorry..."

He smiled angrily. "Well, I'm sorry too, Buffy. I'm sorry that I ever believed in you. I'm sorry I was stupid enough to let you break my heart. But you don't have to worry about me hating you. I don't break *my* promises. I don't hate you. Why waste that much energy on a selfish bitch who doesn't deserve *any* emotion I could dish out? You just don't exist."

With that he stormed out of the kitchen door, slamming it behind him. Buffy sagged, slipping down to the floor to weep.

He was right, she knew he was. Everything he had said was right. She had been horrible and selfish and she had known deep down, even long ago, that if it came right down to it and she was forced to choose between the two loves in her life, she would choose Angel.

"But I love you, Riley," she whimpered out loud, arguing with her thoughts even though she knew they were true. And she did love Riley... As much as anyone who's already given their heart away could love someone else.

She started to get up, to wipe her face, but quickly broke down in fresh sobs. ~Just a few more tears.~ she thought. ~Just a few more, and then I'll be done.~

But she knew it was a lie.

"Riley, it's me. Please pick up the phone. I know you're there. I... I just can't stand this. We need to talk. Please..." Buffy exhaled. "Please call me back." She hung up the phone, wandering around the room in a daze.

"Oh God. Oh God," she whispered under her breath, not knowing what else to say. Loneliness weighed down on her. Could she have been less sensitive with Riley? Could she have been more stupid with Angel? Was this really even happening at all? Maybe it was just one of those dreams that she had sometimes, in nightmarish reality. Maybe...

A soft knock made her head jerk up and she rushed to the door, swinging it open. "Riley?" she began, hopefully.

Willow sighed, stepping inside. "You told him, then?"

"I told him," Buffy confirmed miserably. "He told me that... He told me what I already knew. That I was horrible. That I was a liar. That he never should have fallen in love with me in the first place. He... He told me that I don't exist."

"Oh, Buffy." Willow walked forward, putting her arms around her friend. She smoothed Buffy's hair back comfortingly. "You exist," she murmured. "If you didn't, these decisions wouldn't be so hard. Riley shouldn't have said that."

"Yes he should have," Buffy whimpered, clinging to Willow tightly, "I deserved that and worse. I can't believe I hurt him so badly. I can't believe any of this. It doesn't even seem real to me. How could I have let it get so bad so quickly? I wanted this. I wanted Riley... And Angel. I just wanted it all."

"I know what you mean." Willow pulled back, looked into Buffy's eyes steadily. "I said the same thing to you once. If Riley is in love with you as much as he says he is, he'll forgive this. You did something really wrong, Buffy, I can't say that you didn't. But I know how hard it is to choose between two people that you love. I know how hard it is to know what you want. I know how easy it is to get swept away. Things have a way of working out with time."

Buffy sniffled, nodding. Her eyes were filled with pain. "I'm tired, Will. I'm so tired."

"I know, hon. You should get some sleep." Willow gently guided Buffy to her room, helping her under the covers and tucking her in like a child. She smiled softly at her friend. "You know that no matter what happens, *I'll* always love you best, right?"

Buffy laughed, just a little. "I know." She yawned, her eyes dipping closed. "Thanks for that."

Willow nodded, sinking into a chair a few feet away from Buffy's bed. Buffy's breathing slowed and evened out and Willow spoke quietly, as to not disturb her. "You're welcome."

And she stayed with her for the rest of the night.

The door opened before Buffy could knock. Riley stared at her. "I would have thought that my not returning your calls indicated that I didn't want to talk to or see you."

"It did," she said simply, walking past him. "I'm sorry. But I don't want to let this cool. Because when things cool, they sometimes freeze into place and I couldn't... I couldn't stand it if that happened."

"What do you want, Buffy?" Riley closed the door after her and walked into the kitchen, opening a beer. She looked down when she saw how many more beer cans were on his coffee table. Remorse shot through her. "As you can see, I'm working on staying drunk for the rest of my life so I'd appreciate it if you made this fast."

"I will." She played with her purse strap, not really knowing what she needed to say to him. "Riley, I know you don't believe me, but I didn't mean for any of this to happen. If I'd had my way, I still would be obliviously in love with you, planning our future together. Picking out the names of our children. Hoping that I would be the perfect wife. But I made a mistake. A huge, horrible mistake and I can't take that back."

"No, you can't," he said bitterly, but his eyes were soft and hurt when they looked at her. "Why, Buffy? Why did you...? Why couldn't you love me like you promised?"

She sat down next to him, sliding her hands over his own. Riley flinched for a moment and then relaxed under her touch, staring at her hands on top of his. "I do love you like I promised. But I..."

"Then I can forgive you, Buffy," he whispered, interrupting her. "All it will take is time. I won't even hold it against you. I understand that you loved him. I know that it was probably overwhelming to know that you could finally be with someone that you always wanted and could never have before. Last night without you, I felt the worst I ever have in my life. You mean so much to me that I thought I was going to die with you not here." A tear slid down his cheek and he let it go unchecked. "I love you."

Her heart ached with what was about to come. Tenderly, she took his face in her hands and leaned forward, kissing him. When she pulled away, she tried to meet his eyes, but he looked away. "Riley."

"I don't want to look at you," he mumbled. "Because then you'll tell me everything that I don't want to hear."

"I'm sorry," she said with brutal honesty, the words hurting her throat as she spoke them. "I... I can't be with you. And it's not because of Angel, it's really not. It's because of me. Because I can't be with someone that I love so easily and can hurt so much. I can't be that kind of woman. I want to just slip in your arms right now and make it better, for both of us. You know that I do. I want you, Riley, but I can't have you. I can't stay with you just because it's simpler like this. I can't just let you forgive me. Because then where would we be? Maybe you wouldn't hold it against me, but you wouldn't trust me either. Not that I deserve your trust. But I'd need it. And you wouldn't be able to give it."

"I might," he whispered, finally meeting her gaze.

"Maybe in time," she acknowledged. "Maybe you would. I love you so much for that. You have such an open heart. I can't even tell you..." She blinked back tears, her voice cracking. "I can't even tell you how sorry I am that I broke it. I never wanted to do that. Never."

"I know." She nodded and began standing, but Riley pulled her back and kissed her, long and hard. Sorrow and simple, loving passion filled the kiss, and she could taste the tears that he was so valiantly trying to hide. When they finally broke away, his voice was husky. "I'm going to love you forever," he swore. "Remember that, so if you ever change your mind, you can come back to me."

"I'll remember," she smiled sadly. "But don't not fall in love with anyone else because you're waiting for me, Riley. Please."

"I'll won't it because I can't," he said quietly, taking another swallow of beer. "But I'll try not to wait, either. I don't want this to be true."

She nodded somberly, thinking of her words last night. "I know what you mean."

Buffy knocked with three fast raps. The door opened before her, and Angel smiled easily, gesturing for her to come in. His voice was resigned. "I knew you'd come."

"We both did," she murmured with a small smile.

"I have to admit, though," he continued, moving to stand in front of the open window, "I thought you'd come during the day."

"But you know why I didn't," she whispered. "The night has always been ours, my love."

Angel nodded, still not looking at her. "I'm sorry, Buffy," he said gravely. "I didn't mean to ruin things this badly. I know you have a good life, now. I don't want your unhappiness for anything."

"I know." She walked over to him, touching his chest lightly. "And you didn't. I did. All you did was force me to face some truths that I had been refusing to face. All you did was make me remember some things that I had made myself forget. I don't blame you, Angel."

"What are you saying?" He searched her eyes and she trembled at the feel of his breath on her face. "I thought you came here to tell me that you weren't... I thought..."

She touched his lips, quieting him. "I am. That's why I came."

Angel's eyes fell from hers. "I see."

"No, you don't." She smiled warmly, moving into his arms. Held him close. "I'm not leaving you to be with Riley. I'm leaving you because I just left him. And as *much* as I love you, Angel-- and I do-- I can't be with you so soon after he and I separated. For one thing, I still love him. I can't help loving him. He means a lot to me. And I can't hurt him this way, not after the ways I've already hurt him. And..."

"Shh." He rocked her back and forth, slowly in his arms. "I know. You don't blame me and I don't blame you. We blame ourselves too much, I think," he said with a touch of mirth in his voice. "I'll be where you can find me. Will you find me, Buffy?"

"I'll find you." She sighed, content, in his arms. "I won't be able not to. But..."

"How did you figure this out?" he asked.

Buffy thought for a moment. "Something Willow said last night. She told me that things had a way of working themselves out in time. And then she told me that she loved me best. And I knew I had to figure out who *I* loved best. Other than her, of course," Buffy grinned, "Before I could let time work things out. None of it's fair, Angel. But..."

"But?" he prompted.

"But I think it's the way it should be," she finished, stroking his cheek. "Now kiss me before I leave."

Obediently, he complied, lowering his head, his mouth instinctively finding hers. His mouth caressed hers sweetly, his tongue delving in to taste more of her. Buffy slipped her hands through his hair, scratching his scalp lightly, standing on her tiptoes. The kiss turned molten in a matter of seconds, and Buffy was left breathless, clinging to him as though she were drowning, supplicant in his arms.

Finally, Angel pulled away. "Do you want to stay the night?" he whispered, his voice rough with passion.

"Yes." She grinned. "But I can't. I'll find you, Angel."

"I'll wait."

And she knew he would.

They had been waiting for each other for all of their lives.

The End

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