"Slide Into My Room"

Author: Amy
Contact: Slvrbttn@aol.com
Disclaimer: The song is called "Slide," and belongs to the Goo Goo Dolls. Tracy, you are wonderful. :)

Listening to the radio at night when you are alone is considered to be unhealthy for the soul. Tormenting yourself alone in the dark, sitting in a chair. But that's all I had been doing lately. And my soul was already tormented.

A song came on the radio and it's lyrics immediately caught my attention. I tilted my head to listen better, though all I wanted was to not have to listen at all. To it have not had caught the attention of my grieving mine.

Could you whisper in my ear
The things you wanna feel
I give you anything
To feel it comin’

Giving anything. That phrase takes on a new meaning when I think of Buffy. I would give anything for... So many things. Her hair on my face as I slept. The comfort that she brings, the comfort I'm not allowed to have. A moment's peace in her arms.

The last time that peace cost me my soul, and cost Buffy so much too. Still, a small voice in my head always pesters me, telling me that it would be worth it again. Peace, true peace, is usually so unattainable. With Buffy it wasn't. I had finally found what I had searched for for so long.

And it *had* been worth it. To some extent at least. I hate myself for thinking this even now, but loving her and being close to her, so intimate that when she cried out for me I could hear her soul crying out too, stands out more than the havoc that I caused by allowing myself to stop. To stop thinking. To be blissfully aware of nothing but her for a few precious minutes. Of everything she gave me.

Do you wake up on your own
And wonder where you are
You live with all your faults

I wanna wake up where you are
I won't say anything at all
So why don't you slide
Yeah we're gonna let it slide

My tears start and I cry unashamedly as I wish for what I can never have. Wish for what I am reminded of every day, in everything I see. In the fire that I light in the hearth, I see Buffy's eyes glowing and warm for me. In the empty mirror, I see her face, full of trust. In = the blood I drink, I hear her heart.

And I hate what I am all over again.

I wish... I wish she could come to me, be with me. I wish she could hold my hand in her tiny, hot grip. I wish she could kiss me once more and not be afraid of what could happen in my arms. Wishing is useless, though.

I don't believe in wishes anymore.

My eyes shut in pain. The near-broken rib I had gotten on patrol seemed painless compared
to the song that had just come on the radio. Describing everything I wanted... And nothing possible to have.

The words floated through my mind, and I tried to imagine what Angel was doing. Who he was with, what he was thinking. If he was thinking about me.

It's dangerous to wonder.

There hasn't been a night where I didn't cry myself to sleep since my birthday over a year ago. It's killing me slowly, tearing at my insides, crushing my will and heart. I want to be with him. I've heard people say before that they wanted something so badly that it hurt, but I never took it as literal. I take this literally. When I think about Angel, my chest gets tight. Automatic tears come to my eyes.

My heart breaks all over again.

Don't you love the life you killed
The priest is on the phone
Your father hit the wall
Your mom disowned you

He was always there for me. I knew it then, and I know it now. And even though we don't deny our love any longer, we can never freely admit it. When it passes over our lips, there is a flinch that is there, an unease in saying them. Speaking words like that should never hurt this much.

And I have so much to pay for. I killed my life in the time lapse of a single night. One night
where all I thought about was Angel. My duties, my destiny, everything I had ever thought about life slipped into the hazy background for a few glorious moments in time. And I hate myself, *hate* myself for thinking this, but....

I would do it again.

I tell myself that I wouldn't, that it caused too much pain and heartbreak, but in the dark
sometimes I have to admit the truth to myself. To touch him, know what his heart was saying to me, feel him inside of me just once was the most beautiful thing I had ever known. More amazing than I could have imagined.

Don't suppose I'll ever know
What it means to be a man
Something I can't change
I’ll live around it

There are things about my life I can never change. Things I will never get to experience because of my unique calling. And though sometimes I think of my life as a gift, the pain of it takes away the pride. Angel was always good at helping me with that. He was what grounded me. That sounds funny, considering that we spent most of our time together in the land of make- believe, pretending that nothing could ever harm us.

Something did.

I wanna wake up where you are
I won't say anything at all
So why don't you slide
Yeah we're gonna let it slide

I wish he would come to me. I wish he would crawl silently into my window and slip into my bed. A secret moment together, in a secret world we created. Something just ours, something no one else would touch or hurt or even know about. I love him too much, it seems. Love isn't supposed to hurt like this.

I wonder constantly at what she's doing. If she's hurting or happy or thoughtful. If she wonders about me. I know she loves me. And I love her enough to let her go. But whoever said that letting go was hard was an idiot. There are much worse words to describe what it is.

I think the reason that I lost my soul was that in the moment, in that single second, I was
complete. She was finally part of me and I was part of her. It's agonizing to know who you're supposed to be with, want who you're supposed to be with, and not be able to *be* with the one you're supposed to be with. I thought I had already served my time. Years and years of pain. Unfair is the only word that comes to mind.

And I’ll do anything you ever
Dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that fall
Oh, may
Put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful
May
Do you wanna get married?
Or run away

Run away with me, Buffy. Come to my house, come to my room and run away with me. We'll find a way to love each other. We'll find a way to make it possible. The words ring empty in my ears even as I think them. Empty, like all the promises I made her about our life together. Empty like her eyes when she stabbed me. Empty like my heart when I realized why she had.

I wonder if she even knew what that ring I gave her meant. I wonder if she knew everything that it symbolized. I was her husband, physically and spiritually speaking. I can't forget that no matter what I do.

Listening to the radio at night when you're alone is considered unhealthy for the soul. But my soul has seen too much, been through too much.

I'll sit like this for hours, and stare into space. Into nothing.

And I’ll do anything you ever
Dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that fall
Oh, may
Put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful
May
Do you wanna get married?
Or run away

Run away with me, Angel. Forget everything that's happened, and look past your strength to mine to make this possible. We could do it. Do you love me that much? Because that's how much I love you. The words sound hollow in my head. Nothing is less possible than us being together.

I wonder if he knew that the ring he gave me that night was a wedding band. The little comfort I can take is thinking that we might be married. It's a thought I'll keep locked up in my heart, even from him. Speaking those words, asking that question would be too painful on everyone. But I want it to be true, so I'll hope that it is, never letting on that I do.

So now I'll curl up on my bed. I'll cry the tears that are already starting, and I'll go to sleep and dream of him. Tomorrow morning I'll wake up and pretend that I didn't, that everything is fine. But it's not.

And never will be again.

The End

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