"Something Like Silence"

Author: Amy
Contact: Slvrbttn@aol.com
Notes: Thanks to Tracy, as always. :)

I know why she had the wedding at night. I know that she senses me here right now. Even as her new husband lifts her and spins her in the air, her heart looks for me. Even as her tears tremble with the joy of being newly married, she wonders what would have been if I had never left.

I wonder, too.

I told her that she deserved this. Buffy deserves everything that I can never give her. I don't know who this man is, nor do I care, but the look on his face his almost enough to satisfy me that she'll be happy. I say almost because he's simply not her soul mate. Not that I wish any less for her-- I know he'll make her content-- but I've carried the title for too long to not believe in it, hold some faith in what we had once. Like a person who has died but will never be dead in the eyes of the one who loved her, Buffy lingers on the edge of my consciousness, pulling my thoughts always to her. Or maybe I'm the one who's died.

Buffy leans up and kisses her husband. Her eyes shine and for a moment I'm swept away with a memory of a dream that I once had, years ago. A dream where she looked at me like that, where she vowed to love me forever.

A dream where my love killed her.

But she had been so lovely, so glorious in her simple gown in my dream. Her kisses were so special, like a star that you hold in your own hand, touch with your own lips. Saved for me. She saved almost everything for me. No matter how hard I try, I can't help but to compare how she looks now from when I knew her, when I called her mine, when it was acceptable and flattering that I dreamed about her. She was my love then, and in a sense also my child. My friend, my salvation, the only light that I was allowed to look upon. So much.

She still is that much to me. In the six years that I've been away from her, my heart hasn't moved on from the pain or worship that was invested in knowing her. It remains fresh in me, especially now, as I look upon her for the last time in what will be an eternity. Maybe, by some stroke of fate, our paths will cross again in the future. And maybe she'll recognize the simple adoration in my eyes before she turns away. And I know that if it happens, she'll feel it too; that low, deep ache that presses at her heart when she look at me. She might touch my hand lingeringly, wanting what we missed but finally knowing that it's impossible. For as much as Buffy will always love me, always treasure the memory of us, she now belongs to another man, and he belongs to her. Until death do they part. Forever.

She is dancing with her husband now, smiling up into his eyes. They sway gently to the music and I see a glint that rests on the curve of her breast and look closer. Against the creamy skin that I remember so well, she is wearing a silver chain. It sizzles on her neck and I watch as her husband spins and dips her amid the delighted laughter that I love so much. The chain falls up as she rests comfortably backwards in her husbands arms, and the pendant on the end of it touches the snowiness of her gown.

For a moment I'm shocked and then I allow a slow smile to creep over my face. I don't miss the gesture of wearing my ring on that chain. I'm simply grateful for it, and amazing pleasure fills me, though I know I have no right to let it.

Her heart will stay with me always. As I tried to convince myself of it before, even unfair though it was, I couldn't understand it until this moment. She loves him, and will share with him a life... A life that I could never hope to give her. But she belongs to me. Her heart, her soul.

Her forever.

Buffy's eyes pierce the shadow that I'm hiding in and for a moment her eyes link with mine. That clear, clear blue sparkles as it looks at me and even though I'm sure that I'm not noticeable, she somehow sees. Somehow, she looks past all of the darkness that I surround myself with, like only she's been able to do. And I smile slowly, widely, and it's as if the moon and the stars are whispering solely to us. She smiles back brilliantly, letting me know that she loves me, grateful to me for sharing this with her.

I thank you too, my love. I thank you too.

I lobbied hard for a nighttime wedding, outdoors. Everyone I love knows and has known about the evil in the dark since I met them, so naturally they were all against it. But I finally pleaded with Willow to cast a protection spell around the garden that the ceremony and reception would be held in, and after only a moments indecision, she agreed.

There was only one exception the the spell. One thing of supernatural beauty that it would admit into the realm. One man with a dark soul, a need to see this, and an overwhelming love for me. I explained it all very patiently to Willow, and I think she understood, and only she would be able to. I knew that Angel would come. When I really needed him, how could he not?

The wedding was perfect. I looked up into Pike's face, loving him with a feeling that was honest and clean and I saw just as much, if not more, love reflecting down. I knew that what was transpiring was amazing, marrying him after so many years of separation. And when I saw him again and fell in love with him again, in seemed fitting. The first man who ever knew about my destiny, other than my Watcher. The first man to want me for who I was... Or maybe despite who I was.

And yet... As much as I love Pike, my heart is looking for Angel this very moment. My soul mate, the one who showed me that the dark is incredibly beautiful if you're no longer afraid of it. I know that he's out there, somewhere, watching this with a bittersweet smile on his face, loving my happiness and hurting for it as well. I hurt for it, too.

I wore his ring tonight, inappropriate as that sounds. I wore it because... I needed to. Pike doesn't know what it means to Angel and I, barely knows about Angel in fact, but that doesn't matter. He doesn't need to know. The only people who do are the ones I wore it for: myself and Angel. I can feel his eyes on me, washing my body and skin in a warm, familiar caress and I miss him with a loneliness that shouldn't be felt on my wedding day. Those eyes follow me in my dreams, even when I'm awake, always there, always watching me. Those eyes that I love.

I lean up and kiss Pike and for a moment I could almost forget that the man I'll love forever is watching me with another man who loves me, a man I love nearly as much. Maybe it's unfair of me, to marry when so much of my heart is already given away freely. I do love Pike... He's now my husband and I treasure the way we've grown. I cherish the memories we have and the future we can look forward to. But then the moment slips and I feel Angel's presence again and I want to cry a storm of tears to cleanse our souls.

And after my husband and I dance the last dance, I look over and finally see Angel, draped in shadows as he loves to be. No one else seems to feel him or sense him, but I know he's there, and I can see those eyes that still haunt me. Dark, thinking, offering to me everything that he is, he stares at me and I suddenly smile at the feeling that warms my heart. I can feel it when he starts to smile, too, when he finally lets go of the pain and lets himself hover in that single second where it's just him and me and the world falls away.

I nod gently, thanking him for coming, and he thanks me for allowing him to be there. Not a word is spoken but that's all right because our hearts read each other just fine.

And then the moment his broken and my husband-- I smile thinking that-- pulls softly on my and kisses my cheek tenderly. I look at the tiny watch on my wrist and gasp softly, knowing that we have to leave if we're going to make our plane that will take us to our honeymoon.

I leave quietly, still lost in my thoughts.

The band has packed up and gone home and the guests have all dispersed. Buffy walks into the empty gazebo and looks at glitter and confetti that remains on the floor and at the streamers that are still loosely hanging. She sighs with something akin to sadness, dressed in her traveling clothes, a deep blue, summary dress that falls to her ankles.

She had asked her husband for a moment alone before they left, which she feels she shouldn't have done, but he seemed to understand. Perhaps he understood more than she knew, more than she would ever tell him.

She closes her eyes briefly and then starts to turn and leave, but the feeling stops her. Slowly she turns on her heel and faces him.

Angel stands there, emerging from the shadows like she had hoped desperately that he would do. They walk towards each other uncertainly and Buffy takes his hand in her own. His grip is cool but the familiarity of it warms her. She looks up into his eyes and suddenly she is crying, out of happiness or sadness, she doesn't know.

Angel is crying too, silently, and he wipes her tears away with a gentle caress. Tipping her chin up, he kisses her hair lingeringly, smoothing it back as he does. His own tears continue to flow unchecked, but then Buffy's hands are on his cheeks, wiping them away. He sighs at the sensation; Buffy's hands on his skin after so many-- too many-- years.

Her voice wafts by like a feather on the breeze. "Thank you for being here, Angel."

Suddenly she's in his arms and he's crushing her slight frame to his in an effort to keep the poignant moment at bay. Her arms wind around his back and settle there comfortably, fittingly, like a lost piece of a nearly finished puzzle.

He speaks, and his words are husky and almost grainy with emotion. "Thank you for wanting me to be here."

At length he releases her and she steps out of the warmth of his embrace. They look at each other for a long, long time, wanting to say the things that reside in both their hearts, to talk about the hunger that fills them. But they don't.

The words instead lay between them, silent, but clear and known. Neither of them blinks, neither of them breathes as they fill their eyes with the other, the one they love. The one that they each left behind.

And slowly, as if in unison, they turn away from each other and quickly depart from the pain that lives in those silent words that convey the love that's forbidden from sight. But they don't forget.

They never forget.

The End

Note: Hi! This is the author's note, in case you were wondering. Not here this time to beg for feedback, though I will if you want me to. Just to talk about the reason I picked Pike from the movie as Buffy's husband.
This is predominantly a B/A fic, and I wouldn't have been able to do to Giles what I did to Pike, had he been the one chose. Then I thought "Oz!" and immediately shivered out of fear towards myself. I didn't even think Xander because I'm sure everyone knows my feelings on that subject. I could have done Scott or Owen, but one is an ass and the other is... well, an ass. So I picked the one that I liked but had the least emotional ties to so that I could write this.
Now that I'm done explaining, I will go away and hope that none of you hate me. ;)
Feedback would be so nice! (Sorry, couldn't help it.)

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