"You'll Breathe Again"

Author: Amy
Contact: Slvrbttn@aol.com
Disclaimer: The lyrics are by Savage Garden.

Angel awoke abruptly. If his heart beat, it would be pounding, he acknowledged in that confused moment of post-sleep. Glancing at the clock, he saw that it was only an hour or so after sunrise. Unnerved, he sat up and dialed Cordelia's number.

After three rings, her groggy voice greeted him. "Hello?"

"Cordelia. Are you okay?"

"I was until you called," she said irritably. "Why?"

"I... I don't know. I just..." He shook his head with a sigh. "I'm sorry for waking you. Ah, is Wesley over there?"

"Yeah."

"Is he... He's all right, isn't he?"

"Just a little asleep," she responded, yawning. "What's going on, Angel? Is something wrong over there? Do you need us?"

"No... No I don't think so. I'm sorry for waking you."

"G'night," she mumbled and then promptly hung up on him.

Angel looked at the phone for a minute, chewing on his lip. After a split second of hesitation, he dialed another number. The phone was snatched up on the first ring. "Buffy?"

"No." Angel grew increasingly concerned. "It's Angel. I'm- I'm sorry for calling so early, Giles, but... Is everyone okay over there?"

Giles's voice was worried. "No, I should say not. Buffy's disappeared."

"What?" Angel exploded. "Is... What kind of danger is there? I'll leave for Sunnydale as soon as the sun sets. Do you need me to bring--"

"I don't believe she's in any danger," Giles said wearily. "Unless she brings it upon herself. You see... Riley... He just died. Buffy went off and no one knows where to. Do you have an idea of where she might be?"

Angel's shoulders slumped. "I didn't want to believe it," he murmured.

"Believe what?"

"I woke up and... And I felt... She's mourning for him, Giles. Her grief is so intense that..." Angel trailed off uncertainly.

"That you felt it?" Giles suggested slowly.

"Something like that. I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Angel, I don't mean to..." Giles paused. "I don't see how your arrival here would help Buffy. If anything, it would most likely push her farther emotionally than she can handle right now. Maybe it would be better if I just called you and let you know how-"

"I'm coming, Giles," Angel interrupted firmly. "I can help. Please only call if she comes home before sundown."

Giles sighed, resigned. "All right. I pray that you're right about helping her."

Angel closed his eyes, blinking the stinging tears away. "I am."

"So nobody's seen her?" Angel glanced at Xander and then Willow. He stared at her for a second. "Did she say anything before she left? Something about where she might have gone? You were with her, right?"

"I was with her," Willow said hollowly, her eyes far away. "When she realized he was dead, she just... She got that look that she gets. Like when Jenny died, only worse. Like she wasn't even there anymore. Like she couldn't think or breathe or even cry. Like she was dead inside. Then she just ran into the woods. I tried to go after her, but..."

Xander laid his hand on Willow's shoulder. "It's okay, Will. You couldn't have... She's faster than any of us. Maybe she just needs to be alone for a while."

"She doesn't need to be alone," Angel spoke up quietly. "She's alone too much... In her mind. She needs all of you right now. She's just afraid."

Giles took off his glasses, looking at Angel seriously. "Afraid of what?"

"Afraid if she lets herself feel the hurt, then she won't be able to stop feeling it," Angel explained, his heart heavy. "Ever."

A tear slipped down Willow's face. "She's... I saw her face. She looked so lost, Angel. I didn't think it was possible for anyone to be that lost with somebody right there next to them. I didn't think that kind of hurt could be reality."

"She's felt it before," Giles said regretfully, glancing at Angel. Angel shifted under his scrutiny and then Giles looked away, putting his glasses back on. "I just wish there had been something I could do to keep her from this kind of despair. Once you allow yourself to fall into it, it's difficult to pull yourself out."

Willow's sniffle soon became a choked sob and Xander pulled her into his arms, comforting her. He looked at Angel over her shoulder. Under these circumstances, his pride was an easy thing to swallow. "Please find her."

Angel nodded once, and then was gone.

It didn't take him long to find her. Even miles away he could sense her presence as he'd always been able to, and he simply followed it. The tingling in his chest took him to the edge of the woods and then through it, up the dirt paths filled with dead leaves and past the caves that monsters dwelled in. He followed his senses to the top of the hill until he reached the clearing where he felt she would be.

He cursed himself silently for not going there in the first place.

She had shown him that small clearing when they first started dating. 'I like to come here when things get too intense. Looking out over the town, seeing all the lights... It's calming. The sunset is so pretty from here. But the night is prettier. I... I wanted you to see it,' she had explained in that shy way she sometimes had when she wasn't sure how someone would react.

And then later, on that fateful Christmas night years ago, she had cried in his arms. 'What about me? I love you so much. And I tried to make you go away. I killed you and it didn't help. And I hate it! I hate that it's so hard. And that you can hurt me... So much. I know everything that you did, because you did it to me. God, I wish that I wished you dead. I don't. ...I can't.'

So many kisses, so many moments they had shared on top of this small hill, holding hands or just talking together. Laughing when there was nothing to laugh about. Angel spotted her on the edge of the hill, huddled against herself, her knees pulled up to her chest. Her hair long blond hair was wavy and messy around her shoulders, the sleeve of her shirt torn. He shook his head, clearing it. This wasn't about the two of them. It was about her. He approached slowly.

Buffy didn't turn around. "I knew you'd come."

He paused, mid-step, and then started forward again. "You did?"

"I felt you," she murmured. She shrugged, still looking out over the town. The lights twinkling merrily beneath them, oblivious to her pain. "As soon as you decided to come, I guess."

"Have you been here all day?"

"Yes."

He reached her, sitting down next to her on the soft dirt. "Everyone's worried about you, Buffy. Willow's... She can't stand it. Giles actually looked at me. Xander even asked for my help."

Her laugh sounded on the edge of hysteria. "Wow. Xander asked for your help, he must be worried about me. I'm fine, though."

"Riley's dead."

"Don't!" She finally turned to him, her eyes blazing, her lips trembling. "You don't get to talk about him. You... You didn't know anything about him. You didn't like him."

"No," he agreed gently, "But you did. And I love you."

Her shoulders shook silently. "It was my fault," she whispered.

Angel put one arm around her. "How was that?"

"I thought it would be nice to get away. We were going camping," she started. "It was going to be a whole weekend. Willow came, and Xander and Giles were going to come later because they couldn't make it the first night. And then when the sun came up, I woke up and saw a huge... It was a monster and it broke his neck." Her laughter was half-insane. She nodded to herself. "I killed it, though. After I saw he was dead, I ran after it and I killed it. I just... I beat it and hit it and I just... I broke its neck. It was my idea to come."

"Buffy, I'm sure he knew the score. All of you have to, working like you do, with the things you work with. There's danger all around you, all the time. It's not your fault that some of it claimed one of you," Angel squeezed her small frame a little closer. "It's going to be okay..."

"It's not!" she denied wildly, struggling to free herself from his grasp. "It's not going to be okay, ever again! I can't even breathe without him here. I..." She hit Angel's chest weakly, pushing herself away but he hugged her tightly. Her voice was choked with tears. "I love him, Angel..."

"I know." Angel's heart ached with her words but he closed his eyes and wound his arms around her. She calmed a little, sobbing against his chest. "It's so hard, Buffy. I can't tell you that it's going to ever be something you can look back on and not feel anything over. If you love him now, you're always going to love him. But time goes by and it hurts less. And that's what we have to look forward to."

She looked up, her eyes shimmering and red with weeping. "I don't want to look forward to anything. I just want to go back. I want to go back to... I thought I was done hurting like this. I thought that someone could only hurt like this once without dying. I don't want to..."

"But you will," he said softly, kissing her temple. "You'll feel it all and you'll survive it. And when you can, you'll look back on knowing him with all of the love that you feel right now, and you'll realize that you're not crying anymore. And that's the day it'll be better, even if it's only a little."

Buffy sucked in her breath, looking up at him again, sharply. "I-- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to--"

"Shh..." He shook his head, pulling her back to him. "It's okay."

She watched him for a moment and then nodded, letting herself be drawn back into his embrace. "I love him, Angel," she said again.

"I know." He lowered them both to the ground, still keeping her close. He took off his jacket and wrapped it around her, and she laid her head against his chest as if to listen to a heartbeat that wasn't there. "Tell me about him."

Buffy hesitated and then smiled tremblingly. "He's... He was a lot like you, sort of. He was strong and so brave. And he made me feel so beautiful. He could make me laugh, too. He was sort of innocent, though. I liked that sometimes and sometimes we fought about it. I liked fighting with him, though, so I couldn't really complain. He was really smart. He was a good man."

"He'd have to be, to fall in love with you," Angel smiled, stroking her shoulder. "Of course, I might be a little biased."

Buffy nodded. "I don't want to leave."

"I don't want to leave, either," he said simply. "But you have to. Because you have to be with Willow and Xander and Giles. They need to be with you too. They need to touch you and hold you and see for themselves that you're safe."

"I feel safe with you," she sighed.

"Thank you." The ache in his chest eased the smallest bit.

"No." She shook her head. "Thank you."

"So how are you doing?"

Buffy frowned a little. His voice sounded too far away over the phone. "I'm doing better, I guess. I'm a little surprised that you called."

He smiled to himself a little uneasily. "I just wanted to..."

"Check up on me?" she finished for him.

"Yeah."

"Well, thanks for that." Her laughter was a little sad but also warm. "I think I'll be needing a lot of checkups for a long time. But you were right, Angel."

"I know."

She giggled. "Don't you want to know what you were right about?"

"Everything," he said with a chuckle, wishing he could see her face.

"Maybe," she conceded. "But I was talking about thinking about him. Yesterday, while I was walking to one of my classes, I started thinking about how Riley and I would always accidentally get our homework mixed up with each other's and then be totally unprepared when we got to class... And I smiled. I was smiling about him. It felt good."

"I'm glad," he said honestly.

"Yeah." She sounded wistful in his ear. "Me too. I- It must be hard for you especially. Staying alive after someone you love dies. I feel like that sometimes..."

"It's hard," Angel acknowledged. "It doesn't get any easier. That's one of the dangers that comes with forming relationships, of any kind. But it's worth it for the most part."

"I suppose." She paused. "Angel?"

"Hmm?"

"I missed you. Thanks for coming when I needed it I... I sort of tried calling you, you know, in my mind," she confessed. "Thanks for understanding me like you do."

"Thanks for calling me."

"I wanted you there."

"I wanted to be there for you," he admitted.

"Good. I need to go."

"All right."

"I'll... Talk to you later?" she asked uncertainly.

Angel smiled. "Count on it."

The End

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