"Scars"
Author: DH Artemis
Email: dhartemis@hotmail.com
Spoilers: Fits into the timeline after Pangs, but before The I in Team.
Notes: This is short, but it kept me awake half the night thinking about
it. I don't think the transition from Angel to Riley was quite as smooth as
it sometimes appears.
Additional Notes: I'm a little scared about sending this story to this list,
because it does deal a lot with B/A. However, Buffy/Riley fans are generally
more tolerant than those scary, rabid Buffy/Angel fans. =) Thankfully, I recovered
from that obsession enough to give Riley a chance. (And I'm SO glad I did!)
I promise to write a happy B/R story later. Sorry if you get this double posted
with buffy-beta, where the author's notes are a little more Angel-friendly
so I don't get flamed! And I'm subscribed to the digest version, so I apologize
if it takes me a while to respond to anyone.
It catches my attention at the most unexpected times. As I fasten a necklace, or sometimes when I'm studying and I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. After only a few months, it's faded enough that no one notices under normal circumstances -- a present from my Slayer powers of recuperation, I guess.
I notice. Every time I look in a mirror it stares back at me. But I don't really see the scar -- I see him. And the dull, empty ache in my chest is so familiar that I don't hold my breath until the pain goes away anymore, or blink to keep the tears from falling. I can continue on with a conversation with a smile on my face, or complete a task without losing my concentration.
It's only a matter of time before Riley sees it. I'm pretty surprised that he hasn't already. What's more, he'll know exactly what it is, and he'll want to know the real story. He's not the type to fall for angry puppy excuses.
I don't know what to tell him. How do I explain to Riley that I found and then lost the love of my life half a dozen times before I finished high school? That not only is there no chance that he will ever be my "one true love," but the man who claimed that title isn't technically a man at all? How do I explain that if I had been given the choice of where I would be right now, and with whom, he never would have met me?
I don't want to hurt Riley. I care about him; someday I might even love him. Part of me hopes that the issue will just never come up -- that he won't ask about the scar, that none of my friends will accidentally mention Angel in front of him, that I won't be telling him some high school story and forget to leave Angel out of it. It's naive to expect it, but it would be so much easier to never have to decide whether or not to tell the truth.
I'm not even sure if I want to lie. If I tell him the truth, or anyone else I ever date, I might lose him. It's not like any person in their right mind would volunteer to come in second to a tragic love story. (Would *you* want to date Juliet on the rebound? That is, if they hadn't died. Okay, bad example.) But if I don't tell him, then I'll always know that he doesn't really know me completely. Angel is as much a part of who I am as being the Slayer. Part of me will always doubt Riley's feelings when I know I still have these major secrets.
I don't know how he would react. I do know it's unfair of me to ask for a relationship, while still trying to hide that I may never be able to fully return it. I'm not saying I think Riley is madly in love with me, or that either of us even wants us to be together long-term. Maybe we'll never be serious enough for this to be an issue. And maybe I'm being too dramatic. Maybe it's not necessary to love someone with your entire soul to be happy together. I mean, not everyone finds what Angel and I had, and that doesn't mean they spend their whole lives alone. Maybe what's left of my heart is enough. I hope so, because I don't want the rest back.
Because no matter how much it hurts, I'll always love Angel. What we had won't fade, or dull, or become hazy and nostalgic after years of being apart. After almost a year and two attempts at dating someone new (one disastrous, one successful so far), I can honestly say that my feelings for Angel are exactly the same... which is why we have to stay away, even now. One touch, or even one longing glance, and all the walls I've built around my feelings for him will crumble. Dust. But he doesn't want to be with me, and having to build those walls again would kill me.
I didn't choose for my relationship with Angel to end, and I don't agree with his reasons, but I respect his decision to go. I won't beg ... and I won't close myself off to ever loving again because I can't love him. I don't believe in fairy tale endings anymore. Angel isn't coming back.
When he first left I fantasized about living my life alone, faithful to his memory, dying in his arms after years of separation. Even more, I dreamt of him rushing home to beg for forgiveness, or yelling at him until he saw how stupid he was being, or even cheesy fantasies where he became human and we lived happily ever after. But that's all they are -- dreams. And it just hurts too much to hope anymore. I wouldn't trade my memories of Angel for anything, but any lingering hope I still had that we would eventually have a happy ending died at Thanksgiving when he calmly agreed to forget me.
So I'll go on with my life, and pretend to be happy in the moments when I'm not, and hope that the scar on my heart eventually fades as much as the one on my neck. I'll probably still dream of Angel, but I won't let myself think about him too often. I won't ever talk about him, because if I can't fool everyone else then I'll never be able to fool myself. And I'll give Riley a chance, even though part of me still screams that loving someone else isn't possible, and that I'm only going to hurt everyone by trying. Because if I choose not to try, then I'm also choosing to spend my life alone, pining for something I can never have. I'm not strong or noble or naive enough to want that. I'll trade the moments of doubt and despair for the small moments of joy and forgetfulness and just being normal that I've found with Riley.
I pretend to deny it, but I know Riley will hear it all eventually. Whether I start the story or fill in the blanks left by someone else, someday -- probably someday soon -- I'll have to decide how much he needs to hear. And even more than I hope that he'll understand, I hope I don't break his heart. There's an innocence about him that I think I lost a long time ago. He won't have it forever -- few people do, and no one who spends any amount of time in my life does. Someday Riley will be permanently changed when he meets defeat or despair or betrayal. I just hope I'm not the one to introduce him. The funny thing is he would probably understand my life that much better if I did break his heart. (The irony of that kills me -- causing Riley's tragedy so that he could sympathize with mine.) It still might happen eventually. I don't know. Sooner or later, I guess we all have scars.
The End