"Silent Damnation"

Author: Claudia D. Christian
Email: CHANDRA1C@aol.com

EVERYWHERE I go I see your face
Every sound I hear is the sound of your voice
Why are you HAUNTING me
Why can't I let you go?
So everything about me is a lie
At least it seems that way
When I look in your eyes
The truth scares the shit out of me
Whoever said love is blood and love is real
Has never felt the way that I feel
WHAT DOES IT MATTER?
What's done is done and I should
Get on with my life
Why are you haunting me
Well I don't know what it is
But I can't seem to make myself forget
Was it something that you said
Or is it all the guilt inside my head
Why are you haunting me?
- "Haunting Me" by Stabbing Westward from their album "Darkest Days"

Once again Buffy felt wariness creep over her. It was as if her body were screaming for her to leave, to run, to get the hell out of there or else she would be sorry.

As if she didn't live with sorrow every second of her existence.

So instead of listening to her instincts Buffy stubbornly continued to dance. She let the music fill her body, let it become one with every pulse and throb in her heart and in her blood. She raised her arms and let her head lean back as she mindlessly followed the music. All feelings of danger melted away as she succumbed to the ecstasy of the throbbing pulse in the dance club.

Her partner pulled her close to his body until they were molded hip to hip, thigh to thigh. It was as if he sensed her abandonment and naturally responded to her sexually. Buffy could feel his hard-on but didn't care. When the night ended she would be going home alone and he---well he would probably find someone else agreeable for a night of meaningless sex.

No,sex was definitely not what she was looking for.

Not that she hadn't tried to lose herself in sex once before, but in the end she just couldn't let it happen. It had felt all wrong, and irrational as it was, she felt guilty for even trying. How could she ever bring herself to allow someone else to touch her after being with Angelus?

Her thoughts immediately shied away from him. Desperately they returned to the present: the dance club, the flashing lights, the frenetic crowd crushed against her. She could think about him later, when she was alone.

Hungry. Wanting.

And dying a little more each day without him.

Immediately all pleasure she felt dissolved. She had to get out of there. Stopping she gave a sorrowful smile and a small wave to her partner. Turning away from his puzzled expression Buffy headed towards the exit. Just as she almost reached the large iron door, she felt a wave of uneasiness rush over her again. Whipping around to scan the crowd she saw...nothing.

Turning back to the door she quickly opened it and left. Deciding not to walk home because she was rattled and really didn't feel like having to kick or kill anybody's ass tonight, Buffy raised an arm to signal a cab.

Once settling on the cracked leather seat and giving her address she thought about her strange reactions that night. It just wasn't like her to freak out like that. Maybe it was something in the air that just gave her the creeps.

Maybe he's found you whispered a tiny voice in her heart.

At that thought, Buffy felt the icy fingers of fear grip her heart. Could it be?

Not likely. A small, perverse part of her felt disappointment instead of comfort in that assumption.

Angelus was most likely feasting from some other young body. Literally and/or sexually. He would not be wasting his time with finding her. Granted she DID try to kill him, Spike, and Druscilla, but...

Mentally shaking her head Buffy didn't think it would be reason enough to track her down. What would be the point? He had proved his dominance and eventually got bored with the sport of breaking her heart. If there was anything he probably regretted it was the fact that she had just left, instead of committing suicide or something else equally lame.

As if you didn't consider it whispered the same diquieting voice.

Bleakly Buffy gazed out the window spying the passing nighttime scenery of neon lights, clubbers, hookers, pimps, and johns. She did consider it more than once and that's why she left. Her last night in Sunnydale proved that fact more than anything else.

Closing her eyes she remembered the madness and desperation that possessed her that night. If she had to witness Angelus one more time with anyone else...

Buffy felt ashamed because she just left without explanation to anyone. She just left. She could only guess at what Giles, Willow, Xander, and maybe even Cordelia must have felt when she never showed up the next morning. She just couldn't face them and their recriminations. She shouldn't have disappeared, she knew now and she knew it then, but she just couldn't deal.

A quick distant childhood memory of her mother flashed in her mind. Mom. God how she missed her mom! She couldn't imagine what her mom must have went through and was probably still going through. Countless times Buffy would stand at a payphone with the phone clutched tightly in her hand, just wanting to dial the number---but she couldn't.

No, she was not going to drag the people she loved through her mess anymore. She wasn't going to put them through her self-inflicted hell. She was going to be stronger than that. Even if it meant never seeing them again.

How strong was it to walk away from your friends and family Buffy? How strong was it to run away from your duty? Face it: you ran because of HIM. From him. You pathetic coward, you deserve to be alone.

Sadly Buffy acknowledged the truth of her thoughts. She did run from Angelus. She ran from her enslavement. She ran from their sick, twisted relationship. She ran from her sick love.

Angrily wiping away the tears that sprang unbiddingly Buffy saw her building loom ahead. Reaching into her pocket she pulled out a couple of wrinkled bills and handed them over to the cabby. Murmuring for him to keep the change she sprang out of the cab and dejectedly walked into her building.

Damn him! Damn him for being able to creep into her thoughts, into her heart, into her very goddamned soul! It's been two years since she left Sunnydale, plenty of time to get over someone. Even a demon lover. Especially a demon lover. But nooo, she still had to fucking care about some vampire prick who had only used and abused her for his own sadistic pleasures!

But most of all GODDAMN herself for she still could not let go of him.

Jamming her key into the lock Buffy angrily opened the door to her studio apartment. Shutting the door with her foot she tiredly massaged the side of her neck. She couldn't continue like this. She already spent countless hours of the day remembering and yearning for him, alternately loving and loathing him. Her only real escape had been dancing. It was pretty hard to think or remember your own name, much less anyone else's, when the music was pounding so hard into your body that all but one of your senses were shut off.

Now even that minuscule bit of refuge was taken from her.

Tonight was the first night that she ever thought about Angelus while dancing. He would always come to the front of her mind before she went to the club, after she came back from the club, and all the hours in-between the club, but never while she was in it.

Buffy irritably sighed. What she really needed now wasn't some internal introspective about why she was fucked in the head for thinking about her demon ex-lover, but a shower. Long and extremely hot. Then she needed to sleep or at least try to until she fell unconscious from sheer exhaustion.

Haphazardly shedding her clothes all the way to the shower Buffy felt a frisson of fear course through her once again. Pausing in mid-walk she stood tense and alert as she waited. What she was waiting for she didn't know but then---the feeling went away. "You're definitely losing it Buffy," she spoke aloud. Her voice sounded strong but shaky.

"Oh well, it's nothing that a hot shower can't take care of...at least I hope." With that she went into the tiny bathroom and started her shower.

After standing under the nozzle for several minutes she distantly heard pounding at the door. Not really wanting to end her shower she stood there for another minute hoping the noise would go away.

Unfortunately she wasn't that lucky. Buffy resignedly turned the knobs off. Damn Clarisse for locking Viv out again! Every weekend without fail Clarisse (who lived down the hall) would bring home some young stud and deadbolt her roommate Viv out so she could screw in peace. Yeah, but what about her peace? Well, she couldn't leave Viv out in the hall to wait until dawn. It wouldn't be very neighborly of her now would it?

Wrapping a towel around her body and one around her hair Buffy went to the door, unlocked it, and then immediately turned back to go finish her shower. She yelled over her shoulder "Come on in! Sorry to keep you waiting out so long but I was in the shower." She was almost to the bathroom when she heard the door open.

She froze as every instinct screamed a dire warning. Numbness spread through her body when she felt him. Terrified to be right, afraid to be wrong Buffy slowly turned around. When she saw him standing there inside her home, looking so darkly beautiful, Buffy almost collapsed in a boneless heap.

Seeing her shock and smelling her fear, Angelus cruelly smiled. Deliberately sauntering over to her he stopped when only mere inches separated them. "Hello lover," he seductively whispered. "Thanks for the invite. It really saved alot of time. Happy to see me? I know I'm thrilled to see you."

Gently running his hand over her jaw, Angelus looked intensely into her eyes before he closed his hand and painfully gripped her chin. "I've only had two years to miss you and believe me Buffy, you're going to deeply feel every one of those days that I had to go on without your lovely presence."

The End

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