"Dirty Affair with Love"

Author: Claudia D. Christian
Email: CHANDRA1C@aol.com

IF IT STAYED I'D NEVER LEAVE IT
IF THAT TURNED AROUND I'D GRIEVE
THE SPECIAL DIRTY THINGS
THAT WE USED TO TALK ABOUT
I MEAN THAT LOVING YOU IS STRANGE AND ADORED BY ME
THROUGHOUT
OH NO IT'S YOU AGAIN
SOMEDAY SOON YOU'LL FIND THAT SOMEONE WAITING FOR THE CHANCE
TO BEAT YOU
DROOLING ON THE SET TO FEEL YOU
BLESSING YOU WITH EVERY KISS
TYING YOURSELF UP TO ME
STITCH UP MY EMPTINESS
'CAUSE YOU'RE THE DEATH OF ME
SO PRECIOUS LOVING THE THRILL
SUCH THE PATIENT ONE WHO NEEDS ME,
THE SPOILED ONE WHO WINS
SO SHOCKING, WHERE'S YOUR SENSE
DON'T YOU KNOW I HATE YOU SO,
UNSATISFIED YOU LITTLE GIRL
ROLLING DICE AND SEEMING QUEER
BASTARD LOVE A SICK AFFAIR
LET'S SEE WHAT NEW DESEASE YOU'LL FETCH
I MEAN THAT FUCKING YOU IS STRANGE AND ADORED BY ME
THROUGHOUT
OH NO IT'S YOU AGAIN
BLESSING YOU WITH EVERY KISS
SO PRECIOUS YOU KNOW THIS HATE OF MINE EXPLODED
I'M SO DERANGED
YOU KNOW I'LL NEVER BE THE SAME
- "STITCHES" by Orgy from their album "CANDYASS"

"Buffy! Are you in there?" Viv's slightly drunken voice penetrated the door. "Clarisse locked me out again...damn bitch...can I crash here tonight?"

Buffy's gaze swung from the door back to Angelus. She didn't like the way that he looked. He seemed like a beast sniffing the air, unsure if Viv was harmless or a foe. Moving away from the bed, she walked to the door, warily keeping Angelus in sight.

Seeing his shirt she quickly donned it. Opening the door wide enough to stick her head out she saw Viv standing on unsteady legs. Seeing Buffy, Viv started to come in. Quickly Buffy said "Sorry Viv, but I can't tonight. I'm kinda busy."

Wrong choice of words as Buffy soon found out.

"Busy? Oh! Sorry, Buffy, I didn't mean to interupt. I can't believe you're finally---"

Hearing where Viv was going she nervously shouted "NO! I mean, it's not exactly what you think---"

"You don't have to explain anything to me, really. I'm just glad you finally gave Daniel a chance. Hey Danny!! Way to go my man!!" Viv dissolved into drunken giggles.

Oh great just what I need Angelus to hear she inwardly groaned.

Tightly Buffy replied "Viv, please, it's not---just let me call you tommorow. Now I really, really need for you to go." Viv was about to speak again when Buffy rushed on with "Hey I'll even break the door down for you and throw whatever guy is in there out so you can go to bed."

Not even realizing that Buffy was completely serious, Viv tossed her brown curls with a laugh. "As if you could! Hey not a problem. I'll find somewhere else to crash. Wait till I see Daniel, that dog! I'd never would have thought that you and he...I know he tried---"

The door suddenly opened further to reveal Angelus, dressed only in his pants. Amiably smiling at the shock that penetrated Viv's stupor, he smoothly said "I'm sorry but I'm the lucky man in her life now. Viv, that was your name wasn't it?" All Viv could do was nod, his physical effect on her being more apparent because of the alcohol.

Continuing he introduced himself. "My name is Angelus or Angel as my friends like to call me." Giving Viv a mesmerizing smile, he casually took her hand and lifted it to his well-shaped mouth. Leaning over her trembling hand he gave it a soft, gentle kiss. Raising up he looked deeply into her eyes and asked "You will be my friend, won't you Viv?"

Not giving Viv a chance to respond, Buffy roughly elbowed Angelus out of the way, breaking his hypnotic hold over Viv. Blinking her eyes Viv focused on Buffy once more. "Wow. Definitely not Daniel, not that that's a complaint. Um, damn what was I going to say? Oh yeah, I'll just crash at Julio's on the third floor. You haven't met him yet have you? You really need to meet this guy, I think the two of you would really hit it off."

A thread of steel laced Angelus' words as he asked "Viv? Are you trying to set up my girlfriend with another guy? That wouldn't be very nice of you, now would it?"

"Angel leave her alone. Now"

Confusedly looking between the two, Viv sensed dangerous undercurrents. They seemed more like on the verge of fight which just didn't make sense to Viv. If she had a guy like Angel (what a phat name for a guy!) she would be screwing his brains out.

Somehow she had stepped her foot in it, and as much as she would love to stand there and stare at Buffy's new guy, she sensed that it would be best for her to go. That and Buffy's next statement of "Viv, go to Julio's and I'll see you in the morning" convinced her it was time to bid adieu.

"Okay." Feeling the need to apologize, her green eyes flitted between Buffy and Angelus as she said, "And about Julio, I just meant that he's a really cool guy and I thought you might like to be friends with him or something."

Giving Angelus a hurried, nasty glare Buffy reached over and gave Viv a small hug. "I know Viv. It's okay, I promise." Pulling back she gave her a shooing motion and said, "Now will you just go before you pass out and hit your head! Get some sleep!"

With his arm around Buffy's tense shoulders, Angelus cheerfully said "I enjoyed meeting one of Buffy's friends. I do hope you'll give me the chance to get to know you better . You have to visit us one day...or night Viv"

Warming under his gaze she replied "I will, maybe tomorrow. Nice to meet ya Angel." Sleepily grinning Viv leaned close to Buffy and warned in a loud whisper "You better keep him away from Clarisse or I bet money she'll try to snag him for herself." Turning around she started down the hall.

When she almost reached the end she stopped in front of one of the doors. Raising up a fist she hammered at the door. "Clarisse! You skank! Hurry the hell up!" She then continued down the hall, rounding the corner mumbling loudly to herself "Dammit I'm going to rip the lock out of that damn door one of these days."

Relieved that Viv was safely away from the volatile situation, Buffy closed and locked the door. Her nerves were strung so tight but she couldn't let Angelus see it.

"I really liked Viv. She's really cute. I think that I'd also like to meet Clarisse. She sounds like fun. You will introduce us, won't you Buff?"

Purposely ignoring him she walked to the pitiful hole in the wall that doubled for a closet. She rummaged in a laundry basket for some underwear and a pair of jeans. Leisurely putting them on she wondered what to say to Angelus. There was no way that he was going to leave the subject of Daniel alone.

Stepping out of the closet she saw him straddling a wooden chair, his arms folded over the top with his chin resting on them. To the casual observer he seemed completely relaxed but Buffy wasn't fooled.

Choosing to stand with her back against the wall she waited for him to make the first move. She didn't have to wait long.

"So Buff, who's Daniel to you? A boyfriend?"

"No, he's not my boyfriend. By that question you think that I've been sleeping with him?"

"I haven't even gotten there yet Buffy. What is he to you?"

Rigidly she repeated "He's not my boyfriend."

"Oh I think my friend Viv thinks otherwise. What was it she said, oh yes, I remember now. 'Way to go my man'!" Agilely jumping up from the chair, Angelus kicked it with so much force two of the legs broke. "Now if everything has been innocent between you two, why would she think that he was in here?"

Jumping back from the violence of his actions, Buffy knew that this was going to be just another one of his sadistic games. He had most likely read the letters from Daniel and drew his own conclusions. In his mind she was already convicted. Now he was toying with her, waiting for her to say the wrong thing. Even so, it didn't stop her from wanting to justify herself in his eyes. "Angelus...it's very complicated. Daniel, he's just a friend---"

Rudely cutting her off, he snarled "Pay attention Buffy! Once again, why would Viv think that you were with Daniel?"

Strain making her temper snap she sharply asked "I don't know Angelus! Since you seem to have all the answers, why don't you tell me?"

"I'm asking the questions here Slayer, not you---"

Two years of bottled up anger exploded inside Buffy as she pushed away from the wall. "No! I'm going to say something and you're going to damn will listen! How dare you come into my life and judge me? What about you? What about all the other women that you were with when you were supposed to be with me? Druscilla? Cynthia? Those two names ring a bell? How about all the others that I never even knew about? Daniel isn't my lover or boyfriend and he never has been!" Recklessly she finished with "Even if I had been with him, what I've done these past two years is none of your business!"

"Like hell it's none of my business!" Closing the distance between them he angrily held her upper arms in a vice grip. Shaking her roughly he menacingly spat "Two years or twenty, it doesn't make a difference. You are mine! No one has the right to touch you except me! Do you understand me? DO YOU?"

Ripping away she shoved him from her. "What right do you have to claim me as yours? I belong to me, not to Daniel, you, or anyone else! I belong to me!"

Cruelly he taunted "You sure have changed your tune lover. Not even an hour ago you were beneath me panting while I fucked you. Begging me to take you. Now you belong to you? What a joke!"

With quiet dignity Buffy said "Yeah I guess it would be a joke to you, but it's not to me. If I had slept with someone else, it would've been the least you deserved!"

Crossing his arms over his chest he said in a chiding voice "All this righteous anger! I'm afraid I'm not buying it." His voice hardened. "You're not telling me the truth. Or is that too much to ask of you?"

Mirthlessly laughing she replied "I obviously am incapable of telling the truth. What the fuck, Angelus, you've done nothing but treat me like a whore, what do you expect from one?"

Eyes narrowed in anger he bit out "True, but there's one difference between you and any other whore---you're my whore. I own your will, your body, and your pathetic heart. You still love me, and that's the reason why you'll always be mine."

She wanted to deny it, but knew she couldn't. Hatefully they stared at each other for several minutes before she spoke in a barely audible voice. "I still love you, but I wish to God I didn't because ther's no one less deserving of it than you."

Scathingly Angelus questioned "And Daniel is someone who deserves it right?" Stalking over to the bed he picked up a letter. Scanning it he mockingly read out loud "'Buffy I know you've been hurt in the past by some jerk but I swear to you that I would never hurt you.' How disgustingly sweet!"

Balling up the letter he threw it, hitting Buffy squarely in the chest. "It's amazing how you can say you love me and then what do I find? Love letters. You've been a busy girl these days, haven't you Slayer?"

Cringing from the scorn in his voice she struck back. "And what about you Angelus? How busy have you been? You know, with your insatiable appetites?"

Idly he answered "Never promised you fidelity Buff. Besides, the fact that I've spent the last two years looking for you should show that you're my favorite bitch."

Picking up a lamp, Buffy flung it with considerable might at his dark head. "Fuck you! You fucking arrogant sonofabitch! I'm not your bitch! Get the hell out of my life and stay the hell out of it!"

Barely dodging the lamp, Angelus snarled "Calm down lover. You're the one in trouble here so stop being so damn melodramatic!"

Taking a deep breath she stared at him in disbelief. "I'M THE ONE IN TROUBLE?! Don't you freakin' get it vamp? I already told you that I did not sleep with Daniel. You're the one who couldn't keep his prick in his pants! I really wish that I had made love with Daniel---"

His voice mirrored the shock on his face. "Made love with him? Is that what you would call it?"

"Yeah that's right! It would have been lovemaking with him. Something I would have been able to experience for the first time since...my first time."

"Buffy I'm warning you---"

"What Angel? More threats? Don't like the thought of me making love with someone else? Someone with a pulse?" Lowering her voice to a sensual purr she spoke while shamelessly running her hands over her body. Buffy could see Angelus' rage growing in leaps and bounds but she was past the point of no return.

"It would have felt soo good to be with someone who was alive, and all warm, and tanned---" Looking straight into his eyes she drove in with "---and not cold, pale, and dead."

"I may not like the thought of you with someone else, but I relish the thought of torturing this Daniel and making you watch." As much as he loathed that Angel got to her first, he could accept it. Afterall if it wasn't for that oh-so-fortunate escape clause in the gypsy curse, he himself would not be here now.

However, listening to Buffy talk about making love with that puke-stain Daniel stirred more than possessiveness in him. It also stirred up something that felt like pain. Pain?

Impossible. How can I feel this kind of pain? Unless I love---No! Angelus didn't allow his thoughts to go any further.

"Dream on lover. You'll never get within a mile of him." Walking into the kitchen Buffy opened the fridge and pulled out a soda. Opening it and taking a big gulp she appeared totally unconcerned that her lover? boyfriend? deranged ex-boyfriend? could at any moment turn on her and try to snap her neck.

Inwardly she was shaking.

Her nightmare showed her clearly how dangerous her love for him could be. Did he come back in to her life only to try to kill her a few hours later?

Turning back to him she observed that he was in the same spot, his head flung back as if in great pain. Unwillingly a twinge of sorrow passed over her at the thought of losing him once more. In her passion she had begged for him to stay, she accepted his possession and his threat of death, so great was her need for him.

Before tonight death had been an ever-present thought for her. She didn't actively seek it, but if she was to be faced with it Buffy had thought she wouldn't fight against it too hard.

But she now realized that she really didn't want to die.

If it came down to either him or her, he would go down. She would deliver the killing blow as the Slayer. In the process ridding the world of another vampire.

Also, in the process, destroy a part of herself. How could she continue with him? How would she continue without him if it came to that? Regardless of the outcome, they needed to settle things between them.

"Angelus?" Buffy softly called to him.

Looking at her Angelus felt the tremor within again. It was pain. He never had felt such an emotion as this. Even when Buffy had left all he felt was rage and unfulfilled lust but not this pain. He had known he would find her and then things would be as they once were.

But the knowledge of Buffy thinking and wanting to make love to someone else---it had always been unthinkable before. If he had thought of Buffy with anyone else, it was always in the context of lust. Lust he understood. This he didn't. Making love. Not screwing, having sex, or just plain fucking, but making love.

Who would have thought he was so damn sensitive? He, who had witnessed and caused the destruction of many a mortal woman's heart. Never had he been so...emotionally drawn in that what a woman felt for another affected him. Many of the women that he had seduced loved someone else. That was part of the challenge, it was what often drew him towards them.

Those few lucky enough to come out of his dalliance alive often went back to their true loves. What did he care once he was finished with them?

Disturbingly he found that he did care about what Buffy felt for that turd named Daniel. What a horrid biblical name! Walking over to the threadbare couch, he settled himself comfortably. Pinning Buffy with a stare he coldly asked "So, do you love him?"

"Wh-what?"

"You heard me. Do you love him also?"

Even though she was thrown off it didn't even take a moment for her to answer. "No. I don't. That doesn't make me wish that I didn't."

Ignoring the relief that ran over him Angelus sardonically chuckled. "Poor Buffy. First Xander and now Daniel. You always seem to blow off the good guys and fall in love with the wrong ones."

Tensing at the persistent mocking tone in his voice she coldly anwered "No, I just fell in love with the wrong thing---a soulless demon from Hell. And if you don't leave I'll just have to send you back home."

"Nah, I don't think so babe. You and I belong together. Face it Buff, I'm the face you'll wake up to every day for the rest of your life." Knowing he was angering her he patted his lap and said, "So be a good little girl. Come here and give me a kiss."

Exasperated at his arrogance and disturbed by the thrill that leapt in her heart at his words, Buffy turned away. Going back to her hole-in-the-wall closet she slipped on a pair of shoes. Reaching for her jacket she put it on. Coming out she took a long look at him lounging on her couch.

Immediately she became filled with incredible sadness. Things would never change between them. Her naive notion of bringing love to a creature incapable of understanding it was pathetic to say the least. Hopefully he would just bow out, because if not, both of them might not make it out. He had to get out of her life, it was the only way.

She had to remind herself of that, even if the thought of being without him hurt her so badly she doubted that she could ever recover.

"Look Angelus, do what you want, so long as it's not here."

"Where do you think you're going?"

"Out. When I get back, please, just don't be here." Turning away from his expression of fury she walked to the door. She never even heard him get off the couch before she was whirled around to face him and slammed against the door. She flinched from what she saw in his face.

It was more than cruelty. More than violence. More than hate. It was indescribable. It was something she had never seen in him before.

"Are you going to go cry on Daniel's shoulder, umm Buffy? Are you going to sob out your heart over how your ex came in and raped you? Because that's what it must have been Buffy since you obviously can't stand the sight of me and want me out of you life!"

Buffy could feel her resolve splintering under his fury. "Why are you doing this?! Why won't you leave me alone? Isn't it enough that you broke me two years ago? Isn't it?"

"No it isn't enough!" Angelus felt so many emotions running through him that he couldn't focus on any one. Why? Did he want her truly broken him? Did he want to drive her mad like he did with Druscilla?

Yes and no. He wanted her mad, but mad for him. HE wanted to be the madness in her blood. He thought things were the same, she responded like he expected her to, the way she always had before. Now something was different. She seemed stronger, more immune to him.

Damn! How does someone fall asleep one way and then wake up completely different?

The misery in Buffy's voice would have broken anyone's heart. Except his, for he did not possess one. At least that was what he told himself.

"Angelus...I don't understand this...you. This isn't a relationship. I don't know how much longer we can survive with each other. We're not going to live happily ever after," her voice dropped to a brittle whisper "I was a fool to ever think otherwise."

"Living happily ever after is such an infantile notion Buff. Surely you have better fantasies than that."

Humiliation burned at the core of her heart at his callousness. Giving in to the devastion of her emotions, she slid down to the floor and cried. She nosily cried as she had not cried in years.

Staring at her, the newfound part of him stirred at the infinite sadness in her cry. He strangely felt the urge to comfort her, to wipe away the silver tears rolling down her face. Almost without thought, Angelus squatted in front of her and hesitatingly enveloped her in a hug. He felt her body jerk in surprise at the tenderness of the gesture.

Buffy could not believe he was just holding her, not huring her, not trying to have sex with her, but just holding her. He was always the source of her torment, he never tried to soothe her wounds, at least not without an ulterior motive. Part of her skeptically waited for his true intent to show, but the other part of her just wanted to accept it for what it seemed to be.

"Buffy..."

Leaning her wet cheek against his chest she shushed him with "No, don't talk. Just feel."

Strangely Angelus did feel. He felt that small part of him miraculously start to expand. To feel something other than just his own selfish desires. Is this what love was? Could it be?

Trailing the end of those thoughts he felt a great internal struggle. Love? Why would he ever want to be tainted by it? It was weakness. Love had and always would be the end of all things. To love this woman was to sign his own death warrant.

Didn't you already do that two years before? Aren't you a target for any hot-shit vamp who wants to score a couple of brownie-points for taking out the infamous Angel? spoke a sly voice in his mind.

No, this was different.

Already he felt weaker, taking such strange joy in comforting her. In feeling her small, perfect body against his without the slightest hint of lust. That alone should tell him something was WAY wrong with this!

What in the hell was wrong with him? She had a thick stack of letters and photos from some kid that suspiciously looked alot like that brat Xander. Obviously she had been with that shit in some way more than what she was saying, or Viv wouldn't have thought that he was here with her.

And what was he doing? Here he was cradling her like a helpless babe when he should be tearing her ass up with his belt and then his cock. Weakness. That's what love was.

Look at how it made Buffy act. She was the Slayer for christsakes! She couldn't bring herself to kill him even though it was her sacred duty. No matter how badly he had treated her and undoubtedly would still treat her, she still came back for more. She couldn't bring herself to kill him even when she had the chance two years before, even though she obviously wanted to. Why?

Because she loved him.

No, he wasn't going to fall to that thing even more evil than a creature like himself.

Abruptly pulling away from her Angelus backhanded her viciously. Standing up he stared at her prone body. Coldy he stated "Oh you're good lover. Almost had me forgettting about dear old Daniel. I do have to give it you, all that talk about my, let's say---myriad dabblings of the flesh, was a good tactic. Surprisingly you put me on the defense. The kicker HAD to be when you cried. Very impressive. It even affected ME. I wouldn't have thought that could be done."

Flinging her hair back from her face, she stood up to face him. Wiping the blood that trickled down the corner of her mouth Buffy knew it had been too good to be true. "Tactic? Defense? Don't you have to have emotions to be put on the defense? To be affected by tears?" Buffy bitingly said.

Arching a brow he maliciously said "Oh but I do Buff. All kinds of great emotions like anger, lust, and possessiveness. And you want to know what? I'm kinda feelin' all three right now." Dragging her protesting body over to the bed, he asked "Now what do you think I should do about it lover?"

Struggling to get out of his grasp she said between clenched teeth, "Go to any of your sluts that I'm sure you've picked up since Cynthia and Druscilla. Unless you've brought them along too. Although Spike probably wouldn't like that, but for all I know maybe you two like each other that way. Anyways, I'm sure they would enjoy you more than I do!"

Darkly laughing he threw her on the rumpled bed before throwing himself on top of her. "Don't you know lying is a sin? I know for a fact that you don't want me to go to anyone else. You never did like it. And for your sake you better be glad that I'm going to ignore what you just said about Spike."

Correctly reading the look of pain that flashed in her eyes, Angelus poured more salt into the wound. "But that's right, you didn't know about Cyn until the end, did you? Don't you just love that name---Cyn and sin go so well together!"

Snaking an arm out from under him she attempted to deliver a right cross only to have him block it. Capturing her arm again he annoyingly asked "Did I touch a sore spot with you babe? What? No witty comeback?"

"How's this for a comeback: you're going to die if you don't get off me."

"You're about as pitifully off in your comebacks as you are in fighting me." Buffy's expressive eyes blazed with hatred and rage as she struggled against him and his cutting words.

"Oh that's good. I can feel your hate Buffy. I always did think that taking you in hate is as much fun as taking you when you're repulsively in love with me."

Inwardly flinching from his words she stared back into his eyes and evenly replied "You are so full of yourself, but what does it matter to me? Fucking you now would be as memorable as every other time: barely worth the memory. Get it over with Angel."

Clenching his jaw, Angelus felt the impact of her well-placed barbs. Gathering his turbulent emotions under control, he smiled at her with such an incredible sweetness. Seeing Buffy's unguarded reaction he knew that she was reminded of his other, weaker self.

The one she just called him out of spite.

That damnable soul-boy Angel.

It seemed like his Buffy was a slow learner: it was once again time to teach his little Slayer a lesson.

It was also time to learn something himself: there was no place for love in a demon's life. In this demon's life. Love was just a sick, dirty affair that he needed no part of.

Not even with Buffy.

The End

<< back