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need you
dream you
find you
taste you
fuck you
use you
scar you
break you
lose me
hate me
smash me
erase me
- "Eraser" by Nine Inch Nails from their album the "Downward Spiral"

It was a bright and sunny day in a seemingly bright, happy Sunnydale. Buffy, Xander, and Willow were sitting outside on the campus lawn eating lunch and talking about everything except what was most on their minds.

Knowing exactly what she was asking, Buffy drew up slightly and looked off towards the distance. "It went...fine."

Swallowing the rest of his sandwich Xander bluntly asked "How high was the carnage? I mean did you just put a hole through his chest or did you do some major limb-hacking?"

Frowning at him Willow sternly said "Xander!" To this he just uncomprehendingly said "What?" Ignoring him Willow looked back at Buffy and clarified "Did it take a long time to..."

Taking a deep breath Buffy lightly said "I didn't" and waited for the explosion. It didn't take long. Both of her friends yelled simultaneously "What?!" This explosion of sound caused groups of students to turn in their direction and stare.

Seeing that people were looking at them, Xander lifted his hand up and said loudly "Hey! Nothing to see here! Move along people!" Focusing back at Buffy and, to his mind, her incredibly insane statement he asked "What do you mean you didn't?"

Getting up Buffy stated in an exasperated tone "Because I didn't! Okay? I didn't do it."

When she started to walk away, Xander boldly stepped in front of her. "Look Buffy: he's NOT Angel. You have to do it."

Not wanting to get into an argument with him, Buffy warned "Xander move, please."

Willow then stood up and tried to get between the two. "Xander, maybe now's not the time---"

"No Willow! Now is the perfect time! We've all been dancing around this for too long!" Running his hand through his hair Xander heaved an impatient sigh before getting right down to his point. "He's not Angel Buffy. Angel's never coming back---"

"Xander, not now. Look, I really don't want to get into this with you right now. Later I'll explain," When I figure it out myself "but not today."

Throwing his hands up into the air Xander fairly shouted "You know we're all really tired of this Buffy! You never want to face or deal with anything! You're always either backing down or running away! When are you going to get it? Angel's left town on permanent vacation. He's split this popsicle stand, alright?"

Buffy's thin reserve of patience finally broke. "You think I don't know that?! Well just in case you don't, let me tell you something: I do know that. I know it far more than you can ever hope to know or understand!"

"B-Buffy---" was all Xander could sputter out. He wanted her to snap out of it, not snap out at him.

"I don't need you to stand there and smugly tell me that Angel's gone, because I KNOW! I don't need you to remind me that he's gone. I don't need you to remind me that he's 'split this popsicle stand' because I know! And I don't need you to tell me how or when to do my job BECAUSE I KNOW." Quickly looking at Willow's stricken face Buffy apologized "I'm sorry Will" before pushing him aside and angrily striding away.

Buffy could hear them both calling her name but she never looked back. How could Xander tear into her like that? Couldn't he just try to imagine what she was going through? Maybe he can't because you haven't let him in. You haven't let anyone in. How can they understand something that you haven't even bothered to explain? That was something to think about. Just not right now.

The rest of her day went by in a blur until all too soon it was time for Buffy to tell her mother goodnight as she went into her room. Knowing that her mother would check on her, Buffy laid in the bed with the covers pulled all the way up to her chin and forced herself to breathe in slow, even breaths.

After about thirty minutes, Joyce quietly opened the door, poked her head in, and then seeing that Buffy was 'sleeping', closed the door just as quietly as she had opened it.

Buffy let ten more minutes go by before she crept out of her bed, careful not to make any noise. Pulling off her blue cotton nightshirt, she efficiently put on her patrol gear (T-shirt, close-fitting jacket, pants that allowed plenty of movement, and her good old trusty shoes with the non-skid soles), tucked in plenty of stakes, eased the window open, and lightly hopped from the roof to the ground below.

In less than seven minutes Buffy entered the cemetery to begin her round of vampire patrol. Senses completely alert to the presence of the unnatural she scanned the carefully manicured grounds for the slightest sign of either newly-risen vampires or seasoned pros.

It didn't take long before she heard the clamor of something clawing its' way out of the ground. Stealthily making her way further into the graveyard, Buffy pulled a stake out and held it in her fist tightly. Shouldn't take long for this one. Probably not even going to take a fight.

Seeing a small, pale hand break free from the recently packed dirt Buffy boldly stood in front of the grave and waited. After several, laborious minutes a dark head broke free from the ground. Quickly the Slayer grabbed a fistful of hair, pulled the flailing body up, and then sent a stake through the female vampire's chest.

The sound of clapping pierced the night, causing Buffy to spin around and assume a defensive stance. Leaning against a tree stood a sinfully handsome Angelus. He was dressed in an open-necked black velvet long-sleeved shirt and black leather pants. "Hello lover. Didn't expect to see you tonight. Can't say I'm disappointed though" he sensually drawled.

Crossing his arms in front of him, Angelus allowed his eyes to rove over her form. The obvious dislike on her face amused him. At least now she wasn't trying to hide all of her emotions from him. Even though he could read them last night, it had tested his skill at determining human emotions just to see past her mask.

The fact that her control had slipped a little was a good sign, at least from his point of view.

He couldn't completely tamp down the rush of lust he felt as he studied her. He had to admit to himself that she was exquisite. At least Angel had had the decency to love someone that was extremely attractive. Although, even if she had the beauty of a maggot, he still would have wanted her, just to spite Angel.

Adopting a mournful look on his face, he reproached her with "I don't appreciate what you just did Buff. Afterall, that was a child of my flesh. Now I'm going to be so lonely tonight."

"Ohh, you're breaking my heart Angel. You know I really care about how you feel...NOT!"

Pushing off the tree, Angelus walked towards Buffy until he was about twenty feet away from her. "Why all the hostility lover? I thought we made up real nice last night. Don't tell me that I didn't mean anything to you?! I thought we had something real special going."

Buffy hated him for bringing up what happened last night. It already sickened her to know that he had touched her. Since she had known that eventually he would bring it up (like in the first five minutes of conversation) she was prepared. "I'm going to have to take a page from your book Angel. It was like a dulcet chorus of birds...or whatever crap you said. It really meant about as much to me as it did to you."

Smirking he warned "Careful Buffy. I might take that as a complaint. On second thought, I do take that as a complaint. I have been neglecting you haven't I? Well, except for last night and Buff? It meant the world to me...as I'm sure it did for you."

Easing off her stance, but keeping her reflexes on complete alert, Buffy faked a yawn. "Yada, yada, yada. Is that all you can DO Angel? I mean you go ON and ON about yourself as if you're some great lover---"

His mouth tightening with ill-concealed annoyance Angelus verbally attacked with "I seriously doubt that a virgin as yourself would know what makes a good lover...oh that's right! You're not a virgin anymore are you?"

Buffy didn't bother to answer, instead she acted as if she could barely keep her attention on him because what he had to say was so unimportant.

Wanting to offend and shock her 'delicate' sensibilites Angelus rocked back on his heels, closed his eyes, and let a secretive smile twist his lips. "I took it from you, or at least my cock did. It could've been a better fuck, but after I came back---I loved looking down and seeing your blood smeared all over my cock."

I gave you nothing. I gave it all to Angel. Only to Angel." Buffy said this in a nonchalant tone of voice and her expression was one of extreme boredom.

"Yeah but it was this cock that was in you. This cock that tore through your precious gift of virginity. This cock that made you come. So, in a way, I made you come. Once." Opening his eyes he proudly whispered "And then again last night."

Intently searching for any betrayal on her face or body that his words affected her, Angelus was disappointed to see a glimmer of amusement light her eyes.

"You really like believing that, don't you? You really like believing that you can hurt me or make me feel dirty by telling me this." Letting a tinkling laugh out, Buffy observed Angelus' increasing disbelief. "Don't you get it vamp? There's NOTHING you can say that can hurt me."

Hatefully he retaliated with "Lying is a sin you shouldn't indulge in Buff. You seem to be forgetting how you pitifully wore your heart on your sleeve the first time I lay eyes on you while I was in the flesh, so to speak."

Shrugging her shoulders Buffy casually stated "I thought you were Angel. What can I say? It won't and hasn't happened again."

"Oh I beg to differ lover. You see---you sound all tough and independant, and I must say you're doing a marvelous job at fooling most people, but I know differently. I know that deep down, way deep down, my very presence hurts you." Angelus' dark gaze snapped with triumph as he saw his statement hit and score.

Buffy's self-confidence was slightly shaken at the intuitiveness of his words. For a few brief seconds she felt raw and exposed. Hearing his smooth voice arrogantly promise "My presence, my thoughts, my face will always hurt you Slayer" caused Buffy to draw herself in and attempt to bury all her emotions.

Angelus, seeing what she was doing, chided "Don't do that Buff. I like it when you're all emotional! You're so much fun! When you do that 'I don't feel anything so you can't hurt me thing'..." Waving his hand in the air he disgustedly charged "It's boring!"

Listening to him she silently thought Boring? Well we can't have that, can we? All of a sudden Buffy pulled and then threw a stake, catching Angelus in the very hand he was waving around. He looked up at his hand in astonishment before emitting a growl of pain.

Smiling with false cheer Buffy merrily asked "How's that for being so NOT boring? Or better yet, how's this?" Immediately she threw another stake, this time catching him in the thigh.

He just stood there for a few moments, before pulling both stakes out with a hiss of pain and then flung them away. Angelus looked at Buffy all the while with fierce emotion. But instead of the fury she expected, she saw admiration.

"My darling little Slayer, you have a penchant for torture! Knowing my history I'm sure you realize that I can only admire you for trying to inflict pain on me." Bringing up his wounded hand, he thoughtfully watched her while slowly licking the wound. "We've discovered a new side to you Buff. I think it's rather sexy, don't you?" Looking down at the ragged hole in his pants Angelus grimaced. "Damn! I really like this pair!"

Buffy stared at him with a growing sense of horror. She DID want to torture him. She had wanted to hurt him, severely, before...

No. Without a doubt Buffy knew she wasn't ready to do that yet. That was why she had wanted to hurt him.

"That's right babe. I know what you're thinking and I want you to know that I understand. Truly I do. I know that you want to hurt me, real bad, but you can't handle that about yourself. You don't want to believe that you, the Slayer, has a dark side."

Knowing that he was telling the truth, but wanting to deny it she firmly said "That's not true."

"We all don't want to believe it about ourselves when we first realize it. I was feeling what you're feeling now, a long time ago and for only like a split-second though. You know---with my demon tendencies and all, but nevertheless I know how hard it is to acknowledge that part of yourself." Crookedly grinning Angelus took his good hand and crossed his heart. "I promise I won't tell. No one will ever need to know what we know. No one will ever need to know that you and I share apart of each other that is the same."

Feeling her composure crack, Buffy shakily denied it. "No we don't! I'm nothing like you!"

Smirking Angelus turned his back on her and agilely hopped up and stood on a tombstone, despite the obvious pain in his thigh. "You can deny it to me, that's okay. Here's your chance to prove me wrong though Buff. You've got a clear, open shot of me."

Buffy stared at him, hating how he calmly stared back at her while waiting for her to make a move. "Come on Slayer...prove me wrong. Take the shot. Prove to me that you're not a sadist."

"No you don't, do you? But what you should want to prove is that you don't want to torture me. That you don't want to draw things out, because that would be rather sadistic don't you think? Not when you have a chance to end it all here. So come on---do it."

"Do you have a fucking death wish, is that it? Do you want to die, here, now? Do you want to become the ash that I wash out of my hair tonight so badly?"

"You sound a little desperate lover. I'd even say that you sound a little concerned. Would you miss me that much? Umm?"

In a rare moment of thoughtlessness Buffy turned her back on him and ran away. She just didn't want to have to kill Angelus just in case Angel could somehow, no matter how slim of a chance, be brought back. That was all.

It WAS NOT because she felt a frightening kinship with him for a few moments. It WAS NOT because she would miss him. Hell, she hated him.

So why did she feel so uneasy? Why did she feel as if something had shifted in her world, something that she couldn't touch or see but that was different nevertheless?

All of a sudden she ran right into a solid wall of muscle. Falling back slightly she felt, cool strong hands grip her arms and steady her. Her blue gaze locking with his dark one, Buffy felt vulnerable because she had become internally off-balanced.

Buffy also felt vulnerable because she sensed that Angelus also knew. At the moment her fear wasn't that he would physically kill her, but that because he had somehow gotten in her, he could emotionally attack her in order to kill her.

Watching her face go a little pale, Angelus felt a thrill shoot through him. She could have easily staked him through his heart a couple of minutes ago and there wouldn't been a damn thing he could do about it except kiss this world good-bye.

It told him that Buffy had sadistic tendencies and THAT made him want her for himself more than anything that she had done or been so far. It made him speculate if she also had masochistic tendencies as well. He hoped so. If he was a betting demon, he would have to bet that she did.

Afterall what girl, especially a vampire-slayer, would willingly romantically involve herself with a vampire? She HAD to be a masochist!

He knew that he had touched something within her that she wasn't willing to face and that's why she ran. He had been tempted to let her go...

"Never turn your back on me darling. I'll always strike at you if you do." His beautiful mouth then swooped down on hers and devoured her in a kiss that lasted for several moments.

Buffy stood there in shock as Angelus' mouth mated with her. She had never been kissed like this before in her life. Angel's kisses had always been so considerate, so tender, so loving.

Angelus' kisses were so primal, so animalistic, so lustfilled! His kiss was like virtual sex of the mouths. She knew that she should not just stand there and allow any part of her to be touched like this, but she couldn't stop it.

Pulling back from Buffy, Angelus abruptly bit down on her lower lip, causing a tiny drop of blood to well up. "A little something to remember me by" was all he said before sauntering off into the night.

Bringing a trembling hand up to her mouth Buffy gently touched the drop of blood and looked at it with a strange sense of wonderment. It gleamed crimson despite the shadows of the night.

Her solitary drop of blood had a disturbing aura of beauty. It was of an unmatched color and just the sight of it caught and held her attention. Too much of it, was frightening and gave her the sense of being out of control.

Just one drop of blood was enough to cause a vampire to develop a ravenous appetite and almost always signed the death warrant of the nearest human.

Just one drop was all that he had given her. He hadn't tasted any of her blood, he had just given it to her.

Tearing her uneasy thoughts away from his stolen kiss, Buffy continued her patrol for another hour (three vampires found---three vampires dusted) before heading for home.

Agilely climbing through her window, Buffy's senses screamed at her that someone had been in her room. Quickly scanning the room she saw nothing and she felt that no one else was in the house beside herself and her mother, yet someone had been here...

Angelus had been here. His presence, his aura was now known to her. His vibe was so different than Angel's yet she knew it as well as she had known her beloved's.

No, it was more than that. It was because for a few moments, she had known what is was like to be him. She had known what it was like to have no mercy, no pity, no compassion. She had known what it was like to want inflict pain for one's pleasure.

Closing her eyes tightly, Buffy desperately wished she could erase it all. She wished she could destroy this new-found knowledge. She wished she could know that she would never be someone who had evil desires.

Strangely his access to her home didn't bother her as much as it should. Maybe it was because, right now she was more concerned with her own actions of this night than his.

The innocence of thinking that she understood and knew herself to be the Chosen, therefore being beyond all darkness.

Instead she had the bitter knowledge that she wasn't as pure and good as had always thought she was. Tonight she had walked and briefly crossed the fine line that separated the good from the evil.

Shedding her clothes, Buffy piled all of her patrol gear into her hamper and then put back on her blue nightgown. Reaching her bed, she pulled the covers back and saw something black underneath with a white note on top. Picking up the letter she recognized the script despite the darkness of her room.

'A momento to remember your first experience by.
Afterall, it wouldn't be fair for me to keep this since you earned them.
I can hardly wait to learn more about you my precious one.
---A'

Sitting on the bed Buffy didn't even realize that she put the note underneath her pillow. Touching Angelus' leather pants, her fingers searched and found the ragged hole in the thigh. Absently she stroked the soft material and thought of her enemy.

She never realized how her hand caressed the pants that so recently hugged every inch of his lower body. Getting up out of her bed, Buffy never thought of throwing the pants in the trash. Instead she placed them in a drawer under her own clothes.

The constant longing she had for Angel now had a different edge to it. She felt a strange sense of unknown destiny gnaw at her. She missed and needed Angel with a fierceness but now things were slightly different and that scared her. Lying back down, she forced herself to clear her mind so she could sleep.

Before she succumbed to her dreams she thought Does Angelus still dream? Does he dream of me? not ever questioning why she would want him to dream of her.

Angelus did dream. He dreamt in dark, compelling colors. He dreamt of burgandy, midnight, and crimson.

With splashes of gold.

Golden skin. Golden hair.

A golden soul that became slightly penetrated by his world but never tarnished.

He dreamt deeply and his every sense throbbed with anticipation of catching more than just a glimpse of the gold in all the darkness.

After he had left Buffy's momento on her bed, he couldn't resist looking at the Slayer's room. The girlishness of her domain should have nauseated him, but it didn't. It just gave him another insight to Buffy, at least that's how he saw it.

He tried to picture his body in this room, sleeping on the floor, as Angel did the year before.

Instead all he could picture was his body on the bed with the tiny Slayer sprawled beneath him as he pounded her into the mattress.

He looked at the posters on the wall and the books on her shelf, trying to picture Buffy as the child who picked those things out. He picked up the stuffed pig that she named "Mr. Gordo" and looked at it for a few seconds before placing it back on the nightstand.

He tried to formulate some plan of attack against the Slayer as he studied her things. Instead he began wondering where a certain thing in the room was purchased, why did she still have that broken toy on her bookshelf, and how old was she when she won the ribbon that was hanging off the wall.

Opening the door to her closet, he pulled out a few dresses and looked at them before putting them back in. He did the same with her pants and shirts. They all smelled of purity and innocence---except one.

His eyes narrowed in anger. Who the hell has she been fucking? When he found out they would both die.

Holding the offending garment he carefully smelled it, searching and determining the faded odor of sex. Sure enough, he could smell two distinct scents: Buffy's and his own. Relaxing, Angelus mentally corrected himself.

It wasn't exactly his own.

It was Angel's.

She must have been wearing this the night Angel left and he came back.

Hanging up the outfit, Angelus felt a disturbance that had everything to do with the green-eyed monster. It sickened him that he felt so intensely jealous of Angel about that experience. No matter how much it nauseated him, he couldn't deny that he wanted Buffy very much. He wanted to fuck her.

Not just once or twice.

He wanted to screw her in every way known to man and demon. Then he would kill her. After a farewell fuck, he would sink his fangs into her and send her into the next world.

The question was just how would he seduce her?

He seriously doubted Buffy would be willing to just spread her legs for him every night until he tired of her. Angelus needed to insinuate himself into her mind and her very being, but how?

Sitting on her bed he took everything he knew about the Slayer and mentally came up with one plan after another before discarding each one. After several minutes of no success, he stopped his brainstorming. No matter, he would come up with one soon enough.

Deciding it was time to leave Angelus took one last look at her bed and promised himself that he would have her in that bed several times.

Maybe he'd even kill her in her own bed and leave her there to be found with his cum leaking out of her and his bloody signature scrawled on her body.

Smiling Angelus liked that plan very much. It wouldn't be the first time he had done such a thing, but it would be his first Slayer.

Once he got back to the factory, he had proceeded to fuck every female vampire that was a brunette. Of those he had several and of course he saved Druscilla for last, much to Spike's animosity. He always saved Dru for last because he knew that as the hours passed Spike would be left to wonder Is he going to take her tonight?

Which he would not only for old times sake, but if anything, just to piss Spike off.

As he had pounded into each faceless female, one face kept coming to his mind. The Slayer's. All he could think of was her flushed, beautiful face gasping as he pleasured her. The way she had whimpered and shyly thrust against his hand burned itself into his mind.

Each time the memory faded, even slightly, he would immediately summon back the image of her coming and calling his name.

Then he would remember that it wasn't his name that she called. It was ANGEL not ANGELUS. This would unreasonably anger him so that he inflicted his fury upon whatever brunette was beneath him or over him or kneeling in front of him.

Never would he have sex with a blond. The only blond that he wanted was Buffy Summers.

He swore to himself that he would make it that she would come to him whenever and however he wanted her. Her every thought, her every breath, her every desire would be for his pleasure.

Even if she didn't yet realize how she would soon come to crave him as much as he already craved her.

So he dreamt and when he finally was able to hold her image long enough, he felt peace.

When she beckoned to him, he followed.

When she seductively shed her clothes and awaited him, he felt a strange giddiness.

When he entered her, he never wanted to leave her warm haven.

When she called out HIS name, he felt complete.

When he felt the sharp prick in his neck, he could only stare at the smiling vampiress underneath him that was Buffy Summers.

When he felt himself drain away, he could only wonder: how was it that he had become the victim?

Abruptly waking himself, Angelus felt a strange chill of foreboding. Shaking it off he laid back down looking next to him to see Dru?, no it was a nameless female. Rudely he shook her awake and bitingly told her to get out of his bed. Settling back down to his slumber Angelus reassured himself that it was just a dream.

Dreams never held any truth in them, did they?

The End

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