"Surviving - Learn to be Still"

Author: Vatrixsta Cruden
Contact: trixieangelsomething@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: We thank the Eagles for gifting Trix with stillness this time around.

though the world is drawn and shaken
even if your heart is breaking'
it's waiting for you to awaken
and someday you will
learn to be still

It was the food that had surprised him the most.

Giles had always known Angel possessed a remarkable ability to feel compassion for the humans he surrounded himself with. It was a trait he no doubt owed in some small part to the demon -- its ability to feel and feed off its victim's pain and terror was the flip side of Angel's empathy.

When they'd finally gotten enough resolve to leave the hospital, they'd begun the arduous trek back to the hotel. Spike seemed oddly protective of Willow, and Giles made mental note to keep an eye on him, lest he be planning something. It was, after all, what Buffy would have done.

He'd found himself doing that a lot lately. Thinking of what Buffy would have wanted, or thought, or said, then taking her lead. Funny, how he was meant to be her mentor, and she'd taught him more than all the dusty books in England combined.

Xander was against returning to the hotel; said if they'd been staying somewhere not "owned by death," Buffy wouldn't have been able to gain entry. The fact that he was right made it harder to argue with him, but the glares he received from Cordelia seemed sufficient to silence his complaints.

Besides, how to explain to Xander, who'd always hated Angel, that right now, they needed the vampire by their sides? That Angel surely needed them to keep him sane. No one had loved Buffy more than Angel had; that love was a connection to the girl she once was, and the strongest defense they all had against the monster she'd become.

Remembering Buffy, living their lives with the delight she always tried to take in hers, that was the way to survive long enough to see this nightmare to its conclusion.

Which was why, upon returning to the hotel, Giles was pleased to find Angel in the kitchen. He'd finished the cleaning job Willow had mumbled about Tara having the idea to begin. There was a pot of soup, some kind of vegetable stew, Giles thought, as he inhaled deeply. Cooling on the counter was fresh baked bread, the kind that came in one of those little cans that popped and were ready in twenty minutes. Angel had made enough to feed an army, which is exactly what they had.

An army of children who'd lost their innocence in the fight against evil; a fight they themselves were only a part of because they'd loved a girl who'd been chosen with all their hearts

"Everyone eats," Angel declared, and Giles took note of another saucepan, filled with what appeared to be blood, for Angel and Spike. "Especially if you don't feel hungry," he added, forestalling Willow's automatic protest.

Giles moved to assist Angel in ladling soup into bowls as Cordelia sliced the bread. Spike helped himself to a mug of blood, then, surprisingly, took a bowl of soup and a piece of bread.

"For Red," he explained, casting his gaze downward, embarrassed, when Giles looked at him strangely.

Once again, Giles' hackles raised, but he forced them down. He would keep an eye on Spike, but in the meantime, he'd be grateful that someone was looking after Willow.

Everyone sat in the lobby, pillows thrown down on the floor, foregoing the bizarre couch Giles was secretly appalled at. Angel made a move to leave them, a mug of blood in hand as he turned toward the stairs.

Xander called out the vampire's name, and Angel paused. "It was your rule," the boy reminded him. "No one's alone."

Giles sat up a little straighter, truly shocked, and, if truth be told, immensely proud of Xander. That statement had cost him a lot, but he'd still said it, despite the grief he was feeling.

Angel glanced at Cordelia, and whatever thoughts he'd had of fleeing were put to rest by the stern look in her eyes. Giles actually found himself smiling. Cordelia Chase, Vampire Defender. To have known the girl she was in high school, and to then know the woman she'd become, was truly an honor.

Without another word, Angel took a seat beside Cordelia, Willow to his left. The redhead reached down and took his hand, causing his startled gaze to fly to hers. She squeezed it once, tightly, then let it rest there, loosely. He smiled feebly at her, and they both returned to their meals.

Giles breathed a sigh of relief.

we are like sheep without a shepherd
we don't know how to be alone
so we wander around this desert
and wind up following the wrong Gods home

"I don't mean to rain on your parade, Giles, but aren't we a little old for story hour?"

Their bellies were full, and they were reclining on the floor, telling stories. Willow had remained understandably quiet, but hadn't seemed put off by the sleepover vibe that was running strongly through the room. They'd just finished regaling Gunn and Spike with the tale of the time the Evil Willow had appeared through a dimensional portal, when Giles had cleared his throat and drawn attention to the book he held in his hands, which prompted Xander's little quip.

"I've just gotten off the phone with the Watcher's Council," Giles said, without preamble, and everyone sat up a little straighter. "A new slayer has not been called."

"That's impossible," Wesley said immediately. "It's been days since Buffy . . .died."

"Maybe there's a glitch in the calling stream," Gunn offered. "Like at the DMV when you're waiting in line forever--" Cordelia was making a slashing motion against her neck, so Gunn let his sentence trail off.

"Buffy died for a minute," Angel reminded them, "and Kendra was called."

Wesley got a funny look in his eyes. "When Kendra died, Faith was called, thus continuing the cycle. There has never been more than one girl at a time to hold the post as chosen."

"A slayer has never been turned, either," Giles added.

"Restoring the balance," Angel murmured.

"What?" Giles asked, feeling a shiver run down his spine at Angel's words.

"The balance was upset when Buffy came back," Angel continued, uncomfortable discussing Buffy's death so casually. "And now, it's using her transformation as a way to right itself again."

"You're theorizing that Buffy's line has already ended," Wesley declared, "with her death at the Master's hands. That everything she's faced . . ."

"Of course," Giles mumbled, removing his glasses. "Given Buffy's predilection for operating outside the norm, I'd say it's a very likely theory, indeed."

Xander shifted against the floor from his position by Spike. "So you're saying when Bat Face killed Buff... that was it for her, so far as being chosen goes?"

"This might explain the problems with Faith," Wesley concluded. "Throughout history, there has only been one slayer; to each generation she is born. If Angel is correct, and a balance is being restored, that implies that a balance was upset to begin with; a plan put off course." The former watcher seemed enthralled with the subject he was discussing. "Buffy should have died four years ago, but she . . . "

"She was special," Giles finished for him. "From the very beginning, she's broken all the rules . . . " His gaze rested on Angel briefly, then he continued, "and done things in her own way. It would appear some things never change."

"What's in the book, Giles?" Angel's asked quietly.

"Yes, well, this is for Willow," Giles admitted. "There's a spell in here that will bind the hotel against the entry of any form of evil--"

"Hey!" Spike cut in, offended.

"Evil meant to do harm," Giles added, with a roll of his eyes. "Willow, whenever you feel strong enough, if you wouldn't mind . . . "

She nodded her head mutely.

"What I wanna know is, why didn't anyone notice Evil Buffy sneaking in here this morning?" Xander wondered aloud.

"Buffy was a skilled hunter," Giles began, "and I've no doubt her predator's instincts have only heightened her ability to kill."

"Plus, you know, she was itching to get at Angel," Cordelia chimed in. "Ow!" she cried as Wesley pinched her arm harder than she thought necessary.

"Buffy was here to see Dead Boy?" Xander asked, glancing around the room. Wesley and Cordelia looked nervous, Willow looked sad, Spike appeared bored, Gunn appeared indifferent, Giles seemed curious, and Angel -- Angel looked guilty. True, he always looked guilty, Xander allowed, but at the moment, he looked Super Guilty.

"She came into my room," Angel said, standing, already beginning to separate himself from the group. "Before," he added, choosing not to elaborate further.

Xander looked around the room, and quickly connected a few dots.

"So let me get this straight. While the girl who used to be one of my best buds was murdering my other best bud's girlfriend, you were basking in post-coital bliss?"

"Lay off, Xander," Cordelia said heatedly.

"Don't defend him, Cordy! I'm surprised he still has his soul. Not quite as exciting without a warm body, that it, Angel?"

"Xander, shut up!" Willow, finally, had spoken. There were tears rolling heavily down her cheeks. She rose unsteadily, her chin held high as she approached Angel.

The vampire stood before her, shoulders slumped, prepared to accept whatever she wished to say to him, the temporary reprieve she'd given him earlier forgotten. What he did not expect was her strong hand fisting itself around the front of his shirt.

"Swear to me you'll kill her," Willow said, her voice filled with grief perfectly audible to the rest of the room. "Not because I hate her, and not because I don't want my best friend back more than almost anything else, but because you were right. She should never have to live with this, just like you never should have had to live with Ms. Calendar, or any of the other things you feel guilty for. Swear it, Angel."

"I swear," he repeated numbly, hoping he'd be able to keep that vow.

Willow seemed to deflate at that, and she turned back around. Her legs were unsteady, and Spike rose, offering her an arm to lean on. Gratefully, it seemed, she took it, and he helped her sit on the floor again, though she now leaned against his side, her body simply too tired to go on supporting itself.

"I'm gonna start cleaning up," Cordelia announced, hoping to break some of the tension. "Angel, would you please help me?"

A pointed look from Cordelia was all the prompting Angel needed, and he began gathering plates and bowls, then followed Cordelia into the kitchen.

"Cor," he began, but she put her hand up.

"Repeat after me," she said sternly. "Buffy's evil deeds are not my fault."

"Cordy," he tried again, and this time, she made a violent slashing motion with her hand. The expression on her face allowed no wiggle room, and he sighed. "Buffy's evil deeds are not my fault," he repeated obediently.

"There, now was that so--"

"But they are my responsibility," he added. "Just as mine were hers."

Cordelia felt physical pain for all Angel was going through. "Why do you always have to be so damn stoic and righteous?" she asked quietly.

He actually laughed, a nervous, sorrowful sound. "Righteous," he mumbled, as though it were funny. Judging by the look on his face, he was a million miles away. "Am I a righteous man?" he asked her, sounding lost.

"Yes," she answered without hesitation. "You are."

"Thank you, Cordelia," he said sincerely, pulling her into a strong hug.

"For what?" she asked, baffled, as she patted his back.

"For always believing in me, even when logic dictated otherwise," he answered. Then, he turned and left the kitchen, effortlessly slipping into the shadows of the old hotel.

"Any time," Cordelia told the empty room.

but the flock cries out for another
and they keep answering that bell
and one more starry eyed Messiah
meets a violet farewell
learn to be still

"I'm sorry, Will."

Willow looked up at the boy who'd been her best friend as long as she could remember. "It's not me you should be sorry to, Xander," she told him quietly.

"Hey, I'm trying here, but I think apologizing to Dead Boy for a moment of truthful grief is too much to ask. I did have a point."

"So apologize to him for calling him Dead Boy for three years," she suggested dryly. "Apologize for hating him because Buffy loved him instead of you. Try to make amends for telling Buffy to kick his ass."

Xander's eyes widened. He'd never regretted lying to Buffy the day she'd sent Angel to hell, but he'd always felt guilty for the lie itself. "How did you . . .?"

"I'm not stupid, Xander," she reminded him quietly. "Neither is Buffy. But we both understood why you did it. I'd bet Angel would be the first to tell you that you'd done the right thing."

"So what, I should go to Dea -- Angel -- and confess all my sins?" Xander sounded incredulous.

"No," she agreed. "But maybe you could confess one teeny tiny one."

"All right, off you go, no more upsetting Red," Spike instructed, taking a seat by Willow.

"Who died and made you Willow's keeper?" Xander snapped.

"Buffy," Spike answered without hesitation, something hard and determined in his eyes.

Tears came to Willow's eyes, but she looked at Spike gratefully. Xander took a deep breath and tried not to think of how vampires seemed to have a thing for the women he loved best.

it's just another day in paradise
as you stumble to your bed
you'd give anything to silence
those voices ringing in your head

Angel glanced out into the lobby and breathed a sigh of relief. Cordelia and Gunn were planning to go to a movie, Willow, Spike, Wesley and Giles were sound asleep in the middle of the floor, and Xander was nowhere to be seen. Angel felt ridiculous having to sneak around in his own home, but to avoid a messy confrontation with the boy who'd been one of Buffy's closest friends, he was willing to swallow his pride.

If only Xander's anger toward him had been less justified, Angel mused with an internal sigh, he might be able to muster some righteous indignation on his own behalf. As things stood, however, Angel barely managed to stand up straight in the face of Xander's anger. That irritated him more than anything else. What did this boy possess that he'd been able to get beneath Angel's skin so effortlessly?

The answer, when it had occurred to him so long ago, still managed to leave him a bit stunned. Simply put, Xander had Buffy in all the ways Angel was never allowed to. He got to see her in the sunlight; got to eat crappy food and understand all the little jokes and asides she and Willow traded like baseball cards. Buffy gave Xander her friendship and her laughter, something Angel had felt not nearly enough of over the course of his doomed relationship with Buffy.

"Whatcha doin'?"

The vampire jumped, and finally realized exactly how much he probably scared people when he detached himself from the shadows. He turned and found Xander sitting on the bottom of the staircase, hidden so Angel hadn't spotted him when he'd done his preliminary sweep of the room.

"Trying to take it easy," Angel answered lightly, carefully taking a seat beside the boy, a good four feet between them.

"It's pretty tense right now," Xander commented. "That easy taking can't come easy."

"That it doesn't," Angel agreed.

"I was upstairs, trying to find some alone time. Cordelia found me and yelled at me for not bringing a buddy with."

"She's good at telling you exactly what you've done wrong in excruciating detail," Angel offered.

"Don't forget the shrillness," Xander joked weakly.

"What were you looking for up there?" Angel asked quietly.

"Anya."

Angel frowned. He didn't for a moment believe Xander had actually been searching for Anya's corporeal form, but then again, Xander =did= live on a hellmouth . . .

"Just to clarify . . . you are speaking symbolically, right?"

Xander made a 'duh' face. "It hurts," he said simply. "More and more every second it sinks in that this is for keeps, and she's not gonna come walking in that door, loudly announcing inappropriate things to the entire room."

"I get the impression she was very different, but very special," Angel said, feeling more sympathy toward Xander than he ever had.

"She taught me a lot," Xander began hesitantly. "About life. About what it meant to be a man, instead of a scared child." He stared intently at his shoes. "And about redemption, what it means to change what you once were."

Angel glanced up sharply, more than a little surprised to hear what he thought he was hearing from Xander Harris.

"Will said I owed you an apology," Xander continued. "And I think she's right."

"Xander, you don't owe me any--"

"Yeah, I do," Xander interrupted, extending his hand toward Angel. "I'm sorry for being such a shit to you before you gave me a good reason. And I'm sorry for being way not cool after, when you needed a break more than anyone." He paused for a moment. "You just gonna leave me hangin' here, man?"

Angel shook himself out of whatever stupor he'd fallen into and grasped Xander's hand in his own, shaking it firmly.

"Friends?" Angel asked, uncertain.

"Let's not be too hasty," Xander warned, taking his hand back. "But . . . yeah. I think maybe someday, in the far, far distant future, friends is definitely on the radar."

"Good to know," Angel commented wryly.

Xander heaved a sigh. "Well, I'm gonna get going. Cordy and that Gunn guy asked me to go to the movies with them, and I couldn't stand to disappoint Queen C."

"They're sick of listening to you mope?"

"Said I was starting to depress the plants," Xander agreed easily before hopping up off the staircase. "Uh . . . good luck, with the easy taking," he added as he headed off to meet up with Cordy and Gunn.

"I'm not going to need luck," Angel murmured quietly.

There was only one way Angel would ever be able to take it easy again, and that was when Buffy was no longer a threat to the lives of their friends. He'd intended to discuss strategy with everyone earlier, but emotions had run too high. The others weren't prepared to deal with what was to come. Truthfully, neither was Angel, but the burden of action always seemed to fall to those who could handle it the least.

Right now, Angel had a date with a green demon and a microphone.

there are so many contradictions
in these messages we send
keep asking how do I get out of here
where do I fit in?
Though the world is drawn and shaken
even if your heart is breaking'
it's waiting for you to awaken
and someday you will
learn to be still

The End

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