"Hard Truths"
Author:
Holli
Email: summersfinn@hotmail.com
Buffy felt safe in the circle of his arms. When he held her she felt as if nothing could go wrong. Nothing whatsoever. Riley made her feel whole. He made her feel sexy. Most of all, he made her feel loved.
The sunlight hit her eyes immediately, but she didn't want to move. She looked over, seeing that Riley was still asleep. She kissed him softly on the lips then started to slide out of bed. However, she didn't get very far before Riley grabbed her arm, pulling her on top of him, engaging her in a passionate kiss.
"Well, I must say, this is a way to wake up in the morning," Buffy gasped, staring deep into Riley's eyes, still hazy from sleep.
He blinked a few times before answering her, his hands traveling over her body. "You? I'm the one that got a quick peck then a retrieval," he said, his voice twinged with hurt.
Buffy laughed softly, leaning down to give him a quick peck on the nose. "I was going to make breakfast and see if the kids were awake."
He ran his fingers through her silky soft hair. It smelled of her floral shampoo, which tickled his senses every which way, in every region of his body. He glanced at the clock, then turned his attention back to her, hugging her tighter. "It's only after eight, Buffy. We still have a little time to ourselves," he said, wagging his eyebrows suggestively.
She didn't even need to let his comment sink in. She knew what he was implying, what he wanted. "You're terrible. You know that, right?" she asked him as he began pulling on her tank top as her lips descended on his.
However, both stopped when they felt the presence of another person in the room with them. They turned their heads at the same time to see their three year old standing there, holding onto her blanket and teddy bear, her thumb in her mouth.
Buffy pushed away from Riley as he pulled their youngest daughter into the bed with them. "What's up, Princess?" Riley asked Emily as she lay down on his chest.
"I had a bad dream," she murmured, staring at Buffy, her blue eyes wide.
Buffy smoothed back her daughter's blonde hair as she asked, "What happened in the dream?"
Suddenly, Emily burst into tears. Buffy pulled her daughter into her arms, whispering soothing words into her ear as Riley looked on. Emily brought her lips close to Buffy's ear and whispered something that Riley couldn't quite hear. "Sure, baby, anything," Buffy told the child, keeping her attention focused on her child, not bothering to honor Riley's presence.
Emily brought her lips back to Buffy's ear and he watched the exchange between mother and daughter. He saw Buffy's eyes widen then lock with his. What was that about? He wondered. Then, Buffy turned to him, asking, "Could you leave the two of us alone for a second?"
He nodded, but didn't leave until he'd wrestled a kiss from Emily, whose eyes were brimmed with tears, her eyes puffy.
Once Buffy was sure Riley was out of earshot, Buffy turned back to Emily. "Baby, tell mommy, was this dream one of *those* dreams? Emily, you have to be sure," Buffy said, her voice quivering.
Emily nodded, fresh tears falling from her eyes. "Yes, mommy, I'm sure. I don't want him to die, Mommy. I don't want Daddy to die," Emily cried, falling into Buffy's lap.
"Neither do I, Sweet Pea. Neither do I," Buffy said, joining her daughter in a roundhouse of sobs.
* * * * *
Riley sat in his office, staring blankly out the window, twirling his pen in his fingers. Buffy had been distant for days. Cuddling and kissing had been out of the question and making love...well, that hadn't been in the cards either. He was worried about her. She had something on her mind, but she just wouldn't tell him what.
Their kids had been more bouncy than usual, but Buffy...she'd been so distant. It was beginning to scare him. That morning before he left for work things between them were undoubtedly not where they should be.
She'd been in the kitchen having breakfast with the kids, telling them to hurry so that they could get on the road to San Francisco early. She had insisted on going to San Francisco because, she'd said, that she had some stuff to discuss with Giles. There was just something about that morning that was nagging at him. It was like something was telling him something was wrong.
Just as he was about to disappear into his reverie, his door swung open. "Daddy!" He looked up to find Logan and Kennedy running into the room. He smiled happy to see them as they joined him in his chair. Hoping to see Buffy, he was disappointed when Willow walked in with her two kids at her side.
He stared the redhead up and down. Still as tiny as ever, the years had agreed with Willow. Her red hair was still short. She'd said that she'd love to have her long hair again, but it was too much to deal with while trying to raise two rambunctious children. "Hey Riley. Buffy had me drop off the twins."
He glanced up at her. "Drop off the twins? Why?"
Willow shrugged her shoulders. "Her and Emily were going to San Francisco to discuss something with Giles and she thought that the twins would much rather stay here with you. Or if they're in the way, I could take them home with me."
"Uh, no. They'll be fine here. Thanks, Willow," he said as there was a knock on the door.
He watched as Willow's face paled at seeing Graham. Graham lost a little color as well. Graham moved past Willow toward his desk. "Uh, Commissioner Grant told me to bring this to you. It's the forms for the new recruits."
Riley took the papers from Graham, lying them in front of him on his desk. "Good, I've been waiting on this. Thanks, Graham."
Graham looked around the room. "Where's Buffy and Emily?" he asked, seeing that those were the only two missing Finn's. His two favorite women besides Georgie and Kenny that was..his mother and sister, too.
Riley cleared his throat. "Buffy and Emily went to San Francisco."
"Oh, well I gotta get back to work." On his way out the door, he stopped to kiss and hug his kids. As he stood back up, he paused in front of Willow, cupping her cheek softly in his palm. "I like what you've done with your hair. It's pretty." He took a deep breath, then, he moved past her, closing the door behind himself.
After he was gone, Willow fell into a chair, her head falling into her hands. "Why does he do that? He acts like nothing's happen, as if I didn't hurt him."
Riley embraced Willow momentarily. "It's over and done with, Will. I think Graham is just learning to deal with it."
Willow shook her head. "I just..I hurt him so badly, Riley. I never thought Graham and I would end up this way. I thought we'd be together always..the old cliche...till death do we part. You know?"
Riley slid away from the twins, pulling Willow into his arms. "Things'll get better, Will. Don't worry. You followed your heart. He can't blame you for that. Nobody can."
After she'd regained herself, she leaned back from him, staring into her eyes. "You're a great guy. Buffy is really lucky to have you."
Riley nodded. "I hope she knows that."
His comment didn't go unnoticed by Willow, but she decided to let it slide. "Well, I better be going. Oz gets kinda restless if I'm not home at a certain time. I'll talk to you soon." She waved goodbye to Logan and Kennedy and then she was gone.
Riley turned back to his kids, asking, "Okay. Who wants to go see the tanks?"
* * * * *
Meanwhile, in San Francisco, Buffy paced the floor in front of Giles, staring at her daughter on her step-father's knee. "Giles, her premonition scared the both of us. I've been ignoring Riley for days because it scared me so much."
"Well, Buffy, you need to calm down. Not all of Emily's dreams have come true."
Buffy fell down onto the sofa. "I know that, Giles, but some of them *have*. I can't lose Riley, Giles. I just can't," she said before she started crying. Giles pushed Emily off his lap so that he could comfort his daughter. He wished that he could tell her something to ease her mind, but he couldn't. This was in the hands of fate now and there was a chance that Emily's latest vision could very well come true.
Her other dreams involving death had. But he wouldn't tell Buffy that.
From the time that Emily was five months old, they all knew that there was something special about the child. Buffy believed that Emily was special because of the circumstances she'd been conceived under. However, as Emily got older, she began to show signs of her specialty.
Emily had always been told, by her grandparents, her godparents, and by her parents, that she was special. It was proved true when they soon found out that Emily was born with the ability to see into the future. Many of the child's premonitions hadn't come true. Then again, some of them had.
The happier ones that she'd perceived were things such as Xander and Anya having another baby and Angel becoming human. Yet the non-happier visions she'd had consisted of Graham and Willow's separation and the deaths of Hank Summers and Ashley Webster.
Buffy watched as Emily ran into the kitchen to meet Joyce before she collapsed in Giles' arms. "I can't lose him, Dad. I just can't. Riley is my life...I-I can't lose him," she whispered.
* * * * *
"Honey, I'm home," Graham announced, walking in the house. The sweet aroma of Buffy's famous home baked sugar cookies hit his nose.
Walking into the kitchen, the sight hit him like a ton of bricks. There in the kitchen, both Buffy and Emily were covered from head to toe in flour. "What happened here?" he asked as he picked up a lone dishtowel and began wiping the flour from Emily's face.
Emily smiled up at Graham, slapping her hands on the counter, making flour fly. "Mom and I were baking cookies."
"And Emily started the flour fight," Buffy added as Graham rounded the kitchen counter and started wiping her face as well.
Even drenched in flour, Buffy looked like a goddess. Graham knew he shouldn't be thinking those thoughts about his best friend's wife, but he couldn't help it. He wasn't blind. And since his divorce had gone through, and since Willow had remarried Oz, he'd been more inclined to look at women. Buffy was the only woman he was remotely attracted to. Though, the attraction had never faded since she'd stomped on his heart and given hers to Riley.
Emily smiled proudly. "I did not," she said innocently.
Buffy glared at her daughter as Graham laughed softly. He pointed at Emily as he smoothed back Buffy's blonde locks. "That, darling, is your daughter. No doubt about it."
Buffy looked away from Graham momentarily, turning her attention to her daughter. "Em, why don't you run upstairs and get cleaned up?" Buffy suggested to her daughter.
Without a moment's hesitation, Emily slid from her chair and bounded for the stairs. Once she was sure that her daughter was gone, Buffy turned to Graham asking, "So, what are you doing here?"
Buffy moved out of Graham's embrace. "Riley wanted me to come check up on you. He said you've been acting kinda strange lately...he's worried, and so am I."
"Well, you have nothing to worry about, Graham, and neither does Riley. I'm fine, better than ever." She made a sweep over her body. "Does this look as if I have something wrong with me?"
Graham couldn't help but laugh as he wrapped his arms around her once again. He pushed her hair behind her ears as his fingertips grazed across her flour stained cheeks. "You know, you look deliriously happy...not to mention beautiful."
"You two look awfully comfy," a deep familiar said from behind them.
Graham turned around to find his best friend standing behind him, a look of disdain etched on his face. "Oh, um, hey Riley. I was just..." he had a need to explain himself even though he wasn't doing anything wrong, per se.
Riley crossed his arms across his chest, obviously awaiting an explanation. "Daddy!" Riley turned around and squat to catch his daughter.
"Well, if it isn't my favorite Smurf," he told her, planting a soft kiss on her forehead. "Why are you all wet?"
Emily slid away from him, running to Graham. "She just got out of the bathtub. Her and Buffy had a flour fight," Graham said as he lifted Emily into his arms.
Riley's eyes drifted past Graham for the first time since he'd gotten back home, his eyes landing on his wife. He couldn't stop the soft chuckle that escaped his lips. "Honey, what happened?" he asked, rounding the counter toward her. He opened his arms, wrapping her tightly in them.
Buffy rested her head on Riley's chest, wiping the excess flour off on his shirt. "Well, *YOUR* daughter started a flour fight with me while we were baking cookies...that's why I look like a ghost."
Riley laughed softly. "A beautiful ghost, though," he told her as his lips moved toward hers. Graham cleared his throat before his friends could engage themselves in a makeout session in the middle of the kitchen. God, he wanted a marriage, a relationship, like the two of them had. He wanted a woman like Buffy to go along with it, too.
Buffy pushed herself away from Riley. Clapping her hands together she asked, "So, are you staying for supper?"
Graham shook his head. "I don't want to intrude."
Buffy smiled one of her sincere smiles that had made him melt during their brief interlude nearly a decade ago. "You won't. Trust me. I want you to stay. Maybe you could pick up the kids, too," she suggested.
Graham shook his head. As much as he'd like his kids to be there, they couldn't be. "Nah. Tonight is family night with Willow and Oz."
Buffy frowned. "Oh, yeah. I forgot." She paused for a moment. "Well, sir, I am not taking no for an answer."
Why was it that he couldn't say no to her? Though, he had no intention of telling her no. He loved spending time with Buffy and the kids. Riley, too. But Buffy...
"Of course I'll stay."
Buffy smiled happily. "Great. Good. Um, I'm gonna go then. I have to pick the twins up from school then we'll swing by the store so that I can pick up something to make for dinner. Be back soon." Buffy grabbed her keys and purse and kissed Riley quickly on the cheek. "You boys play nice now," she told them.
"I'll keep an eye on them, Mommy," Emily announced.
"You do that, Princess," Buffy said before she disappeared out the door.
Graham and Riley eyed each other skeptically for a few moments after Buffy's departure. After Emily ran from the room, Riley approached Graham his blue eyes gray with envy. "You're single now, Gray and I understand that, but that doesn't mean that you can have any woman you want."
Graham squared his shoulders, ready to throw his fists, if it came to that. "What's that supposed to mean, Riley? Are you implying that I am making moves on your wife?" He couldn't believe that Riley would make such an assumption. Albeit, it did hold a kernel of truth!
Riley crossed his arms across his chest. "I'm not implying anything, Graham. Just know that if you have any intentions, you best lay them on the table now. I will not bow down as easily as you."
"I did not bow down!" Graham yelled at Riley.
Riley stepped an inch or so closer to Graham, not wanting to get to close afraid that he may do something they'd both regret. "You didn't? You sure as hell didn't fight for your marriage. You say you loved Willow, but you sure as hell didn't show it. In all the years that I've known you, Graham, you've never backed down from a challenge. What changed? Why were you able to turn your back on Willow so easily?"
Graham ran a callused hand across his face, falling into a chair. "Because Riley...I just couldn't compete," Graham said sadly. "How can you compete with your wife's first love? How could I stay with Willow after knowing about her involvement with Oz, about the things they shared that she was only supposed to share with me? I couldn't compete. That's why I walked away."
Riley walked behind Graham, laying his hand on his friend's shoulder. "Do you still love her?"
Graham nodded. "A little. The days are unbearable knowing that I can't go home to her, Nick, and Georgie, but I manage. I miss her laugh, her smile..." he took a deep breath, then added, "...her body."
Riley wanted to laugh, but curbed that impulse. This wasn't a time for humor. "You miss the closeness, the intimacy of a marriage," Riley stated.
Graham slid out of his chair. "Yeah, Riley, I do. A lot. I miss going to sleep after making love to someone. I miss waking up with a woman's supple body tucked softly in my arms. I miss...everything."
"Have you thought about remarriage?"
Graham shook his head. "Riley, I'd have to be in a serious relationship to think about remarriage. And I'm not in one. Besides, I've only ever loved two women..." he confessed.
Willow and the other...well, he saw her everyday. Everyday he was reminded of what he'd lost. He was reminded of what could have been, but hadn't been. He'd loved her, he still did a little, and then she'd fallen in love with someone else. Then again, so had he.
Riley looked at him, perturbed. "Two? I wasn't aware of another..." Then, as if he understood, Riley said, "Oh." He sighed deeply. "I hadn't thought that your feelings had gone that far for her."
"Well, they did. Did. They're not there anymore, though. Not romantic love, anyway. The love I have for her now is strictly platonic, strictly friendship," he said, hoping to keep emotion out of his voice.
Riley walked to the refrigerator, taking out two beers. He handed one to Graham and kept one for himself. "That's good to know, Graham, because I'd hate to have to kill you," he said, a smile washing across his face.
Graham didn't return Riley's smile, however, because he knew that Riley would keep that promise. Riley would do anything for Buffy, kill if he had to. Even, if had to kill his best friend.
Gulp.
After Graham's conversation with Riley, he took on a whole new perspective. Riley would always be around so there would be no way whatsoever he could win Buffy's heart. Buffy would never look at him in a romantic way so he just gave up.
So, he'd started hitting the bars with Spike, both in search of some kind of companionship.
The first few weeks, he hadn't found anyone that caught his eye while Spike went home with any warm body that would show him any attention.
Then, he'd met Miranda. Tall, blonde, drop dead gorgeous. They danced and danced and danced. In more ways than one...
With his relationship came hardships. He began spending all of his free time from the base with Miranda, neglecting Buffy, even his kids. Willow began to complain that his attitude had changed, that he had changed. He didn't care. He'd called her a few dishonorable names that he thought he'd never call Willow, words that he'd regret for time to come.
Now, though, he was met with a hard decision: Whether or not to let Buffy and Riley meet Miranda. He liked keeping Miranda separated from the people that knew him. He didn't know if he was falling in love with her, he doubted it had gone that far.
He'd just stepped out of the shower when the phone rang. Before he could reach it, the answering machine picked up. Buffy's voice filtered into the room. "Graham?" His breath caught in his throat. "Graham, are you there? Damn, I guess you're not. Well, I just wanted to remind you about the twins' birthday party Saturday. I sure hope that you can make it." She paused, letting out a deep breath. "I miss you, you know. You don't call, you don't come over. I hope you love this girl because I'd hate to think you're ignoring us for someone that you just like." There was a beep, signaling that the message was finished.
After Buffy's words had sunk in, Graham walked to the bedroom and threw on clothes. He missed Buffy, too, more than words could describe.
As he was headed for the door, Miranda walked from his bedroom, the bedsheet draped over her body. "Where do you think you're going?" she inquired.
"I'm going visit a friend." That was all the information she needed.
He watched as she shifted her weight from one foot to the other. "You're going visit Buffy, aren't you?"
Graham stared at her, blankly. "Yeah, what's it to you?"
Miranda pulled the sheet tighter around her body. "If you go to her, don't expect me to be here when you get back," she said, cocking her body to one side.
Graham rolled his eyes. "What is your problem, Miranda? Did jealousy just kick you in the ass?"
"No, Graham, I just stepped into reality. I've been competing with both of them for the past few weeks, but I can't do it anymore. I would love to be loved by you, but I can't be. You love *her* as much as you try to deny it."
Her words hit him hard. Which *her* was she referring to? "If you think I love Buffy, you are sadly mistaken, Miranda. She's one of my best friends, there's no way I can..."
She held up her hand in protest. "No, Graham, just listen to yourself, you're making excuses. You love her even if you try like hell to deny it. I don't care if she's your best friend's wife." She turned around to go into the bedroom. "I just hope that one day, you can have her. I'll be gone by the time you get back."
Graham walked to Miranda and wrapped his arms loosely around her slim waist. She was right. He did love Buffy. He just wasn't sure if he was *in* love with her. "Thank you. I don't deserve you."
She smiled a weak smile. "You damn sure don't, Graham Miller. You gave me things that no one else could. So, thank you, too." Miranda leaned forward, placing a whisper kiss on Graham's cheek. She then disappeared into the bedroom, closing the door behind herself.
* * * * *
Riley stood behind Buffy, his hands gripping her waist as she cooked breakfast. "When's Willow and Oz picking up the kids?" Riley whispered in Buffy's ear as he moved his hands up slowly.
Buffy was aware of Riley's roaming hands, but didn't push them away as she flipped the pancakes. "Around nine." Looking at the clock, she said, "Speaking of don't you have somewhere to be?"
"Like where?" he asked, moving his hands up further, slipping them underneath her tank top, tracing small circles on her stomach.
She turned her head a little towards him. "Like work. Don't you have to be at the base today."
Riley leaned his forehead against the back of her head. "Damn. And I was looking *SO* forward to spending the day alone with you."
Buffy laughed softly. "That makes two of us, honey, but you have to go to work and unfortunately so do I."
"What do you mean so do you? I thought you were off today."
Buffy slapped the last pancake onto a lone plate, then switched off the stove. "I was, am, supposed to be. Gina got sick so they called me in." She shrugged her shoulders. "It's no big deal. You have to go to work anyway."
"And you didn't tell me this because...?"
She turned around in his arms. "I found out about two seconds before you walked in the kitchen. Besides, you didn't ask," she said with a smile.
He returned her smile, however there was a touch of seduction in his blue orbs. His hands traveled up her stomach to cup her breasts. She let out a small moan as he squeezed them gently, capturing her mouth in a kiss at the same time.
He explored the seam of her lips with his tongue, traced the ridges of her teeth with it before slanting his head to delve deeper into her sweet mouth. He wanted her right then, right there on the floor. But he knew that he would have to restrain himself.
She'd started it earlier that morning when he'd walked in on her in the shower. She'd left the door unlocked, purposefully, he was sure, and he'd threw open the door. She'd flung open the shower door and just stared at him, water trickling from her body...If Emily hadn't been awake, begging for his attention, he would have joined her.
He told Buffy to return to her shower while he used the bathroom.
Now, knowing that they couldn't go any further in their conquest, he regretted having ignored her invitation into the shower that morning.
She moaned into his mouth as she wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him tighter against her. She whimpered when she felt Riley's hand slip from under her shirt. Then, she felt it elsewhere.
His hand slid beneath the elastic of her silk pajama bottoms, then slid lower, slipping into her panties. Lower, lower, he moved his hand lower, past the soft curls. He pressed one finger into her feminine folds and she arched into him, breathing his name against his neck. "More, Riley, I need more," she whispered.
And he gave her more. He added a second finger, but stilled his ministrations, until she reached between them, covering his hand with her own. Encouragement, he guessed. It was all the encouragement he needed, too. He pushed her back against the cabinets, attacking her mouth the same moment he thrust his fingers inside her.
Buffy melted into a pool of hot liquid then. Riley was...everything at that moment. She was at his leisure. If he asked her anything, she was sure that she'd agree. At this point, he could handcuff her to the bed and she wouldn't give a damn.
Riley moved his lips from hers to blaze a trail of kisses down the right column of her throat. "I want you, Buffy," he whispered to her. His eyes met hers, but he didn't stop what he was doing to her. "Let's skip work today. We can spend all day home, with each other, in bed..." he suggested.
Without another word, Buffy grabbed Riley's shirt pulling him back to her, pressing her lips back to his.
Everything hit her, then. The feelings, the sounds, the contact...Riley delved deeper into her, focusing on the bud blossoming beneath his fingertips.
"Let go, baby. Come for me..." he whispered.
Since she was fully at his command, she did as he said. She clenched around his fingers, threw back her head and let out a small cry. Riley pushed her hair out of her face and pressed his lips back to hers briefly. As the carnal fog cleared, Buffy lay her head against Riley's chest as he extracted his hand from her pants.
"I would love to spend more time with you, but unfortunately I should probably get to the base," he said, adjusting her clothes.
Buffy took a deep, calming breath. "Which base are you referring to?" she asked, seduction playing her voice.
Riley stared at her for a few moments, lost in his own thoughts, then began wagging a finger at her. "Ah, you want to seduce me, Miss Finn and I'm afraid that if I don't get away from you right this minute, I'll lose all semblance of reason that I have left and let you do just that."
"Honey, you don't have any reason left. After what you just did to me..." Buffy started. Riley placed a finger on her lips, quieting her. Momentarily. Lord knows there were very few instances when Buffy remained quiet.
"You'd be wise not to finish that sentence," he told her. He kissed her softly on the nose. "Now, I'm going hop in the shower so that I can head to the *military* base." With one last lustful look, Riley left the kitchen, walking a little funny due to the discomfort in his boxers.
Buffy sighed, then yelled the kids into the kitchen.
Buffy had just finished clearing the table when Riley reentered the kitchen, donned in his camo gear. "Off to work?" she asked him.
"Yep. Unfortunately." He let out a tangled breath. "When do you have to be at the hospital?" he asked her as he snatched his wallet off the cabinet and pushed it into his pocket.
"Um, not until ten. I have a little bit of time left."
Riley looked around, realizing how quiet the house was. "The kids gone?" he asked, keeping her at a safe distance. He was afraid that if he got too close to her he wouldn't leave on time, or with his pants on.
She nodded, placing more dishes into the sink. "They'll be back before tonight, though." She turned in his direction. "So that means we're here all alone," she reminded him, noting that he was staying far away from her.
"Yeah," he said breathily. Buffy eyed him skeptically. "Well, I better be going. Colonial Abrams can be an ass if I'm not there on time."
Riley was almost at the door when he heard Buffy's gasp. "What, no goodbye kiss?"
He smiled at her. "I think it's best that I stay away from you right now."
"Why?" she asked innocently.
He took a deep breath. "Because I know if I'm close to you, if I go over there...I won't be able to stop at a kiss."
"And that'll be bad?"
Riley shook his head, laughing. "Terrible, actually," he told her as she crossed the room to him. He wrapped his arms loosely around her waist. "Tonight, we'll pick up from where we left off."
Buffy's eyes lit up. "Promise?"
Riley nodded. "Scout's honor." Then, he saw her frown. "What?"
"You're gonna leave me sexually frustrated for the rest of the day!" she yelled at him.
He pulled her roughly against his chest, nestling himself into the apex of her thighs. "I'm worse for the wear, darling, so don't feel so bad. Tonight, though, you're all mine." He kissed her passionately, then left her standing in the foyer, flushed with desire.
* * * * *
For the first two hours when he'd gotten to work, Riley had sat in his office, drowning in paperwork. Then, after he'd bitched about all the paperwork to his superiors enough, they'd sent him to the shooting range to see how the recruits were doing.
"They're pretty good," he reasoned to Lieutenant Cavanaugh as he looked over the soldiers as they practiced their shooting at the targets.
While they watched the shooting, the two men talked about their personal lives: they raved about their children, shared their concern about their working wives and compared their favorite football and baseball teams.
Mid-way through their conversation about the lacking in the Bears offense, Cavanaugh was called back to the base for some emergency, leaving Riley alone to watch over the trainees.
Looking toward the barracks he saw several military jeeps enter through the gates. He craned his neck to see what was up, but was interrupted when someone called, "Agent Finn."
"Yes?"
"My rifle is jammed, sir."
Riley took the rifle from the young man, inspecting it to find out what had caused it to jam.
The events that played out in the following few moments would be a blur to the soldier standing beside Riley Finn for years to come. In a matter of moments, the rifle was in working condition again, though, its repairman, Riley Finn, lay on the ground, a bullet hole in his chest, blooding seeping from the wound.
The soldiers all dropped their weapons and dropped to their knees beside their fallen commander. They tried everything they could including CPR. Nothing helped. The last word that Riley Finn spoke was the woman that had always had his heart: Buffy.
Ambulances, police mobiles among others of notoriety surrounded the Sunnydale Military Base. Soldiers stood aside watching in awe as Riley Finn's body, covered in a body bag, was wheeled into the hearse.
The one question on every soldier's mind that was on the base that day was: What about his wife and children? What would they do now that Riley was dead? More importantly who was going to break the news to his wife?
Everyone around the base knew Buffy Summers-Finn. Like Riley, they all loved her. She was the sweetest, most lovable person they knew. And they also knew how much she loved her husband. This would definitely kill her.
* * * * *
Buffy was on an emotional rollercoaster. Her last patient was the one that gave her the most trouble. "My leg hurts, can I sit for a few moments?" the elderly Miss Patterson asked Buffy.
Buffy smiled warmly at the old woman when all she wanted to do was slam the old lady into a wall so that she'd break the woman's other hip. But she wasn't that mean. She kept on a good face for the old lady who was sitting on a bench a few feet away. She walked to the old man, squatting in front of her. "Why don't we call it a day, Miss Patterson? I have to get home."
The old lady smiled and oohed. "Going home to cook your husband a romantic dinner?" the old lady inquired.
Buffy smiled. Now there was an idea! "Yes, ma'am, I sure am," Buffy said as she helped the old woman to her feet. Together they walked to her wheelchair.
"Where are your children, my dear?"
Buffy wheeled Miss Patterson toward the west wing where her room was located. "They spent the day with my best friend. She took her children to the zoo so she took mine along. My husband and I had to work anyhow."
Miss Patterson reached back and patted Buffy's hand. "You sound as if you regret coming into work today?"
Buffy stopped Miss Patterson at the elevators. It was true. She did regret coming into work today. For one, she wanted to spend all day with Riley, alone, in their bed. She damned the military. Rethinking that, she undamned them. Riley wouldn't like her very much for doing that.
Suddenly her beeper went off. She turned to her side and gazed at the number. "Oh, it's one of my friends. If you'll excuse me, Miss Patterson. Jose will take you to your room and get you settled in, if that's okay."
The old woman smiled up at Buffy politely in gratitude. "That's fine, dear. You go tend to your friend and your family. I'll see you next week."
Buffy waved to the woman and ran to the lounge to see what the hell Spike wanted.
* * * * *
Graham had just picked up his kids from Willow when his beeper went off. He walked to his phone, Georige still attached to his back and quickly dialed the base's number. "Miller, here. Is there a problem?"
"Yes, Miller, there is," came the voice of Sargeant Shane Duncan. "Get down here ASAP. There was an accident on the base this afternoon. One of our officers was killed."
"I'll be there right away," Graham said quickly. He put down the phone and put Georgie on her feet. "Sorry, guys, but Daddy's got to go to work."
They looked up at him, frowning. Georgie stood beside him, staring up at him, her green eyes wide. Nick wasn't so calm. "You promised tonight was our night, Dad. You promised!" Nick yelled at him.
"Nick, buddy, I'm sorry, but this is important. Would you much rather that I ask Uncle Spike to come over until I get back?" Both Georgie and Nick nodded their heads quickly. In a matter of mintues, Graham was dressed in his camo gear, patiently awaiting Spike to show.
Suddenly, the British vamp burst through the door. "Okay, I'm here, I'm here. You can go now," he said, out of breath.
"Thanks, Spike," Graham said, heading for the door. "Bye guys," he told them after kissing each of his kids on the head.
* * * * *
The moment Graham drove through the base's gates he couldn't believe his eyes. There were police cars and ambulances and police officers everywhere. Police lights flashed around and around, lighting up the base.
He parked his car near the main building then jumped out quickly. "What happened?" he asked a group of soldiers as they passed by.
They stared at him and muttered an apology. "I'm sorry." Graham didn't know what to think about that so he took the steps up to the main building, throwing open the glass doors that led inside.
He took the elevators up to the third floor to Shane Duncan's office. Graham knocked on the door, then eased open the door after Shane informed him he could enter.
Shane stood at the window, staring outside at the base. His shoulders were sagging as if he had lost one of his best friends, or one of his best soldiers. "Sit down, Sargeant Miller," he instructed Graham.
Graham did as instructed, taking a seat in one of the chairs in front of Duncan's desk. Normally, Shane's desk was as orderly as a secretary's but today it was a huge mess. Papers were strewn about, some even on the floor. Pictures from the Fourth of July Blast frequented the desk.
He watched as Duncan took a deep breath. "Like I told you on the phone, Graham an accident claimed the life of one of our best soldiers. The entire base is taking his death hard. He was respected as not only a soldier but as a man also."
"Well, sir, who was it? Was this one of our married officers? Has his wife been informed?"
Shane turned around to face Graham, then. It hit Graham that it must've been someone of great importance because Shane Duncan never cried. And, at that moment, his eyes were red, signaling that he'd been crying.
Unable to take the mysterious of the situation any longer, Graham jumped from his chair. "Damnit, Shane, who the hell died? It must've been someone that you were close with if it brought tears to your eyes."
Shane didn't mutter a word. He handed Graham a picture that had been clutched in tight fists. He couldn't fathom letting the words escape his mouth. He didn't want to say the words just yet. It could all be a bad dream. For Finn's wife's sake, he sure as hell hoped it was.
Graham took the picture from Shane's outstretched hand and refused to look at it for a few moments. Then, he looked down and gasped. The picture...the picture had been taken at the base's Fourth of July blowout.
Every year the base spent hundreds of dollars on fireworks to showcase them in Sunnydale's dark sky the night of the fourth. During the day, though, there was a huge barbecue and games and stuff for families of the soldiers.
The picture was of he, Shane, and...Riley. As reality sunk in, Graham let the picture fall onto the floor as he backed toward the door. He shook his head. It couldn't be...no. No, he wouldn't believe it. He'd talked to Riley earlier that afternoon. Riley couldn't be...dead.
"What the hell is this? Some kind of cruel joke, Shane?" Graham demanded.
Shane turned around, his brown eyes the color of coal. "I wish it were, Graham. It happened at the shooting range this afternoon." Shane turned back toward the window, unable to stand staring at Graham as he shared the events leading up to their friend's untimely death. "One of the soldiers had a jammed rifle. Riley tried to fix it. It malfunctioned and backfired."
"I can't hear anymore," Graham said, turning around to head to the door.
"We need someone to tell his wife. She'll need comforting. We wanted to tell you before we told her. We thought you'd want to be the one to break the news to her."
Was Shane actually serious? There was no way on Earth that he could go to Buffy's house, be greeted by her lovely smile only to tell her that the man she loved, the father of her children, was dead. He couldn't do that.
"I can't do that, Shane. I'm sorry."
Shane spun around to face Graham. "Why not? You're good friends with Buffy and Riley, better than me. Don't you think that she'd much rather hear the news from someone that held her love for Riley? Someone she trusted?"
Graham continued to shake his head, Shane's proposition too unfathomable to consider. "Get someone else, Shane. I can't do it. I *WON'T* do it. I won't go there and see the look on her face. I can't do that." With that said, Graham ran from the room, the flood of tears hitting him like a freight train the moment he left Shane's office.
Once outside, Graham grabbed the first soldier he saw by his shirt. "Where's the body?" he asked. He wanted to see for himself. He wanted to make sure, before he went to Buffy, that Riley was gone.
He felt the soldier shake, but, on shaky legs, he took him toward the herse. Graham stared at the stretcher for what seemed like an eternity. Then, unable to put it off any longer, he nodded to the mortician to unload the stretcher. "Maybe you shouldn't do this," the mortician whispered.
Graham shook his head. "No, I want to do this." He nodded to the man, sucking in a breath as he lifted away the sheet covering the body. As his eyes landed on the man's face, Graham stumbled back, falling onto the ground. "No, no, no," he muttered. He was...Riley was..."NO!" he screamed loudly.
Graham couldn't deal with reality. He refused to deal with it. He jumped to his feet and ran to his car. Inside, he hid from reality. He sat there for a few moments, unable to move. He was paralyzed. Then, the flood of tears came.
* * * * *
Buffy was pacing her living back and forth waiting for Riley. He had promised her when she'd talked to him earlier that afternoon that he would be back before six.
It was now past ten. Something was amiss, she just wasn't sure what. When he was running late, he would always call and tell her when to expect him. He had yet to call...fear gripped her with icy fingers.
Afraid that she was going to wear a hole in the floor, she ran upstairs to make sure that the kids were fast asleep. And they were. Emily, too, thank goodness. Since her last vision, including Riley, she had been sleeping better, no more visions since then. And that had been over three months ago.
She had long since given up that the dream held a kernel of truth. Until tonight. She had a gut feeling that something was wrong.
Just as she was closing the door to Emily's room, the doorbell rang. She immediately ran down the stairs and threw open the door. Her voice caught in her throat at the sight of the two uniformed soldiers.
The first she recognized Shane Duncan as one of Riley's buddies from the base. Twice a month they headed downtown where they played basketball with Graham and a handful of other Marines. The other, she didn't recognize at all. Besides, he was blocked by Shane's virile body.
Buffy was taken aback by Shane's visit. "Shane, uh, hi."
Shane smiled weakly at her. God, this was going to be so hard. He wasn't as connected to Buffy as Graham was so it made more sense that he break the news to Buffy about her husband. And it wouldn't be easy..."Hi, Buffy. I'm sorry for dropping by so late, but I have news."
At that moment, fear gripped her tighter, sucking the very life out of her as the soldier behind Shane stepped forward, a neatly folded American flag clutched in his hands.
Her eyes wide, she looked from one to the other as reality sank in. "No," she said weakly. She stepped backward into the house, shaking her head repeating no, over and over and over and over again.
She'd never attended a Marine's burial, nor had she ever been present when word came of a Marine's death. Until now. And that Marine, she was sure, was hers. Tears fell from her eyes, staining her cheeks. "No. Please tell me it's not true. Please, Shane," she begged.
Shane hung his head, regretting having informed Buffy of Riley's death. "I'm sorry, Buffy. I wish I wouldn't have had to be the bearer of bad news, but it's true. It happened today on the base, about a few hours ago."
"Hours? He's been dead for a few hours?" Buffy reached for the nearest thing, flinging it at Shane's head as new tears streamed down her cheeks. "He's been dead for a few hours and you're just telling me NOW!" she exclaimed.
Shane took a step toward her, hoping that she wouldn't hurl anything else in the direction of his head. He approached her without further incident. When he pulled her into his arms, she didn't resist. She just wrapped her arms around his neck, whispering, "Why? Why, Riley?"
Shane couldn't answer that, but he was wondering the exact same thing.
"What am I going to do without him, Shane? He's my life. Without him, I don't want to live."
At that moment, Shane realized that she was going to have a very hard time taking the news of Riley's death. And this was only the beginning.
Shane watched Buffy carefully. She hadn't moved from the sofa since he'd placed her there two hours ago. She held a picture of her and Riley close to her chest, and refused to let loose of it.
With Buffy being monosyllabic, Shane wandered around her house, taking in all the pictures of Riley's family. Buffy had pictures of their kids everywhere. A picture of Logan on his first bicycle. Kennedy in her first ballet recital outfit. Emily on her first horse.
It was evident how much Buffy and Riley loved their kids, and each other. And now for them never to be able to be together again...
The front door flew open suddenly. "Buffy! Buffy!" he recognized Graham's voice immediately.
"Graham, you should probably lower your voice," Shane instructed his soldier as he met Graham in the foyer.
Graham narrowed his eyes at Shane, realizing just then what Shane was doing there. "You told her, I'm guessing." Shane nodded his head. Graham was about to ask Shane how she'd taken the news, but if he knew Buffy, and he did, she didn't take it good at all. Graham knew Buffy and how much she loved Riley and for sure the news of Riley's death would not be taken lightly by her.
Before Shane could say anything more to him, Graham was walking toward the living room.
Graham had to take a deep, calming breath before he even approached Buffy because he knew that if she cried, then it would only make him cry as well. He squatted in front of her, placing his hands reassuringly on her knees. "Buffy?" he said softly. He noticed her fingers were white from holding the picture against her chest so tightly. He pried her fingers from the photograph, setting it on the coffee table behind himself. "Buff? It's Graham. Look at me.."
Her blue eyes met his. Usually bright and full of life, tonight her blue eyes were dark and lifeless. "Graham?" she whispered. Upon seeing me, the emptiness and despair she felt returned. As she started crying I joined her on the sofa and let her cry in my arms. "He's gone...he's gone, Graham. No more...without any warning...why...why..why?" she cried.
I didn't know what else to do so I just sat there and held her, hoping to help her lessen the pain.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Graham woke the next morning to find himself lying in Buffy's bed, Buffy curled up next to him. Oh, God, he thought, but remembered that when he'd carried Buffy to bed, she'd asked him to stay with her because she hadn't wanted to be alone so he'd agreed and had accidentally fallen asleep next to her.
Figuring that she still needed some sleep, Graham tiptoed out of the room and headed downstairs. As usual, the twins were awake, sitting in front of the television, watching the early morning cartoons. They didn't even register his being there. He walked into the kitchen to put on a pot of tea to find Emily sitting on the sink, staring out the window. "Emily?" heI said, softly, not wanting to disrupt her obvious concentration.
She turned at the sound of his voice and upon seeing him, smiled. "Hi, Uncle Graham," she greeted him before turning back to the window.
"Whatcha looking at?" Graham walked up behind her to see what had her so intrigued, then he saw it. There in the neighbor's yard was a beautiful black Stallion. Graham had never seen it before so one could only assume that they had purchase it within the last few days.
"Daddy said that he was going to buy me a horse for my next birthday."
Graham swallowed the lump in his throat. Luckily, the ringing of the phone interrupted his thoughts. Graham lunged for the phone. "Hello?"
"Graham? Is that you?" Willow asked.
He took a deep breath. "Yeah, Will, it's me."
"What are you doing there so early in the morning? Where's Buffy?" she asked, alarmed.
Graham stepped outside in the backyard, not wanting the kids to be in earshot of his conversation with his ex-wife. "I slept here last night. Look, Will, I think you should get over here right away. Buffy's gonna need you.."
"Graham, you're scaring me. What's happened? Is she okay?"
"No, not really." He took a deep breath to steady himself because he knew that Willow was going to freak out when he told her. Here goes nothing, he thought. "Riley's dead..."
He heard the phone fall to the floor and he heard Willow scream. "Graham?" He hung up the phone quickly at the sound of Buffy's voice from behind him.
Graham spun around to face her and immediately realized this was not one of her usual Buffy mornings. Her eyes were puffy from crying so much the night before, she was still wearing the same clothes that she'd had on the day before too and the biggest of all was that she was not smiling. Considering the circumstances, though, how could she force herself to smile? "How are you this morning?" he asked her as she walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table, her head falling into her hands.
She lifted her head, letting out a deep, labored breath. "How am I supposed to be, Graham?" she asked me, stopping herself from going any further at seeing Emily perched on the sink. "What is she doing up there?"
"She's mesmerized by the neighbor's new stallion."
Buffy slipped from her chair and rounded the table toward her daughter. "Morning, sunshine," she greeted her youngest daughter, her arms circling Emily's tiny frame.
"G'mornin,' mommy," Emily reciprocated, her eyes never once leaving the window. Both women were silent for a few moments, content with just watching the movement of the stallion as it grazed the pasture in the Coleman's backyard.
"Sweetie, you need to get down from here," Buffy whispered to her daughter. "Maybe this afternoon Graham can take you next door to ask Mrs. Coleman if you can ride the horse. How's that sound?"
Emily turned to look at Graham. "Would you, Uncle Graham? Puh-leeze?" Emily asked him.
"Buffy, how dare you! You know I can't say no to her!" Graham walked to the sink and lifted Emily down, setting her on her feet beside him. "Now, I have to talk to your mom, go meet Logan and Kennedy in the living room."
"'kay!"
Graham waited until Emily was settled in front of the TV with the other kids before he turned back to Buffy. "You know what you have to do, don't you?" he asked her.
Buffy took a deep breath. "Yes, but I really don't want to, Graham. How do I tell them that their daddy is never coming back? How do I tell Emily that she's not going to be getting that horse from her daddy for her birthday? How, Graham? How do I do it?" she asks me before she bursts into tears once again.
Graham pulled her into his arms. "I shouldn't push you..."
"No, I know that I have to tell them. I'm their mother and it's best that they hear the news from me...I just don't know how.."
"Do you want me to be there when you tell them?"
She shook her head. "No. I need to be alone when I tell them." She took a deep breath as she straightened my shirt for me. "I need you to start getting things ready for the funeral. Someone'll need to call his parents in Iowa..."
"I'll do it," Graham said immediately.
She smiled a weak smile. "Good, that'll take some of the load off. Have Willow and Xander chip in with the arrangements: flowers, the coffin, etc. Once I have this out of the way, I'll help out, too, but..."
"No need to worry. I'm sure between me, Willow and Xander we can handle it. You just try to help your kids deal with their father's passing."
"Thank you, Graham," she said, leaning toward me to plant a chaste kiss on my cheek before disappearing into the living room.
Taking a deep breath I knew that the next person I would be breaking the news to would take it hard as well. I picked up the phone and took it outside with me. I quickly dialed the number to the Finn household in Iowa, batting back new tears for my recently deceased best friend.
"Hello?" the faint voice of Monica Finn greeted me warmly.
"Good morning, Miss Finn. Did I wake you?"
"Graham Miller, is that you?" she asked. God, this was going to tear the old woman to pieces.
"Yes, ma'am, it sure is. I'm sure you're wondering why I am calling so early in the morning."
She hesitated a moment. "Well, yes...I was also wondering why Buffy or Riley wasn't the one to placing the call."
I took a deep breath. "Miss Finn, there's been an accident..Riley's gone..."
All Graham could hear on the opposite end of the line was jagged breathing. Riley's mother had gone silent from what he could tell. "Miss Finn? Miss Finn are you still there?" he asked as he squinted his eyes under the bright California sun.
He heard her swallow then she asked in a whisper soft voice, "Please, Graham, please, please don't tell me that what you're saying is what I'm thinking because..because it's too horrifying to..to..I just talked to Riley yesterday. He said that he and Buffy were planning on making a trip up here. He said that he missed me. He said that he was going to see me soon. My baby boy...he can't.." the old woman took a deep breath. After a few moments, she asked, "What do you mean 'he's gone'?"
It was Graham's turn to take a deep breath. "I'm sorry, Miss Finn. I didn't want to be the bearer of bad news, but Buffy wasn't in good enough shape to break the news to you, she barely has enough strength to get out of bed and at the moment she's telling the children..I'm sorry, he's gone. For good." He let out another deep, labored breath before continuing as tears stung the corners of his eyes. He couldn't believe himself that Riley was...gone. And he wasn't ever coming back.
"What happened, Graham? I need to understand this. You don't just tell a mother that her oldest son is gone and give her no explanation. Tell me how my baby suddenly became dead, Graham. You've been a part of this family since you and Riley met and you're like a son to me...please tell me.."
Graham ran a hand through his thick, brown hair mentally ticking down to have his hair cut before the funeral..."I wasn't there when it happened. I was spending the day with my kids. Riley was working down on the base, apparently overlooking weapons training with the newest soldiers. One of the soldiers had a jammed rifle and Riley tried to fix it, there was a malfunction...I *really* am sorry, Monica. It backfired. Riley died instantly."
From the other end of the line he could hear the woman's choked sobs. He wished that he could be there to hold the woman that he'd come to look at as his second mother. He wished that he could just take away her pain, but he couldn't. It just wasn't that easy. If he could be that powerful, he'd take away Buffy's as well.
"Thank you, Graham. Have you or Buffy handled the funeral arrangements? And the burial arrangements?" she asked quickly.
Graham knew that those things needed to be handled, but they were all still reeling from shock. "No, ma'am. I was planning on starting all that later this morning. My main goal is keeping Buffy calm right now. She's falling apart as it is...Riley was her life. I don't know what she's going to do now that he's gone."
"She'll survive. She's stronger than we all give her credit for. Do me a favor, Graham? Make sure that the children are okay. The girls are bound to take the news hard. They both loved their daddy dearly. Help them understand that Riley didn't leave them on purpose. Remind them of how much he loved them and how much he'll miss them. Can you do that for me? At least until I get there...?" she asked.
Graham nodded his head as he said, "Sure thing, Miss Finn. When should we expect you and the rest of the family to arrive in Sunnydale? I'd be more than happy to meet you at the airport."
"No need, Graham. We should be there within a couple of days. I need some time to contact the rest of the family, let Riley's ex-wife know, contact his friends from high school...Oof, I have a lot of work to do. We'll be there as soon as we can. Keep my daughter-in- law's feet on the ground in the meantime, Graham. Okay?"
"Yes, ma'am." With that, he hung up the phone, but held it close to his chest. He leaned his head against the door, closed his eyes and let the tears flow. Riley was gone...he was really gone. He always thought that they'd die in their late sixties of old age or a heartattack or something like that. Never had it ever crossed his mind that Riley would die in his prime, leaving behind a beautiful, devoted, loving wife and three children that just adored him.
Riley had so much to live for. His career with the military was just getting reestablished much to Buffy's dismay. She had not been happy when he'd told her that he was going back to the Marines, even though Buffy had seen him more frequently now that he was a Marine again, than she had when he was Riley-the-Psychologist.
Graham collected himself, dried his eyes, then headed back into the house. He had to be strong for Buffy. She had to have his shoulder to cry. He couldn't be the vulnerable one.
Walking back into the house, he could hear Buffy's feather-like voice, floating in from the living room. "Daddy didn't leave us all on purpose...God took him from us. God has a special place for Daddy in heaven..." she was telling the children. Graham walked toward the living room, standing just outside the archway, unnoticed. "You're daddy was a wonderful man, guys, and God wanted him to be a servant of his. He wanted your dad to be one of his angels..because that's what your father was...an angel." She paused for a few moments before she began again. "He was perfect in every way. He didn't have not a one fault. He loved all of us as best as he could and that's all we could ever ask of him. I know you guys will miss him, because I already do, but he's not coming back...ever..."
Graham couldn't help the tear that fell from his eyes. It was true. Riley was never coming back, as much as they all tried to deny it, as much as they all tried to escape reality.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Buffy! Come on, sweetie, hurry up!" Willow yelled at her friend who had yet to come downstairs. She turned to Graham, asking, "Where is she?"
"She'll be down, Will. Calm down," Graham instructed his ex-wife as he bounced Georgina on his knee. Thankfully Georgie was too young to know what was going on. She was closer to Buffy than she was to Riley so luckily she wasn't losing as much as everyone else was...
"Don't tell me to calm down, Graham Miller. My best friend just lost the love of her life. She is a wreck, if you haven't noticed. She is in no shape to attend the funeral today and I just know that when she sees Riley's body, that she is going to die herself!"
Graham stood up and handed Georgina to Willow. "Okay, okay. I get it. I'll go check up on her."
Willow smiled at Graham. "Thank you." She reached up and touch his cheek softly. "Are you okay?"
He nodded before heading for the stairs. He bounded up the stairs quickly, realizing then that all the family pictures were gone. It was then that he got scared..."Buffy!" he started yelling. He stepped in front of her door, pressing his ear against it. Nothing. Silence. "Buffy?" he whispered, knocking softly. "Buff? You in there?" He tried the lock and found it unlocked.
Buffy stood at the window, dressed in a long, black dress that hugged her feminine curves. Her blonde hair was neatly pulled back in a neat braid. He closed the door behind himself, leaning back against it. "The service is going to start soon. If we don't leave now, we won't arrive before everyone else."
He watched as she took a deep breath because her whole body shook with the taken breath. It was as if it took all of her strength. "I'm not sure I can do it, Graham. I'm not sure I have enough strength to say goodbye. I honestly thought that it was going to be easy, but now..now I'm not so sure."
Graham was at her side in an instant, gathering her in his arms. She had to admit that being held within his big, strong arms made her feel safe. He kissed the top of her head softly, squeezing her. "You know you have to go, Buffy. You have to be there to say goodbye. If you don't have closure you won't ever be able to move on. You'll be fawning over Riley for the rest of your life and I just don't want to see that happen to you. You can't stay alone for all of your life. I know you. You'll want another man in your life. You won't want your kids to grow up fatherless.."
Buffy leaned back, staring straight into Graham's blue eyes. "No, Graham, I don't want them to grow up fatherless. I had intended that their father would be alive to help me raise them. I had intended to spend my life with the man that I love...I can't breathe, Graham. There is no breath in my lungs. He's gone and he's taken a part of me with him. I just...I just...I just can't take it..." she cried.
Graham held her tighter. He held her through her tears and even managed to wipe a few away and assure her that life would go on. He had finally managed to get her to agree to leave for the funeral. As he turned to leave, Buffy grabbed his arm and pulled him back into her arms.
She held him tightly, whispering over and over how grateful she was to have him. Graham pulled back and they locked eyes. Seeing the gratefulness in her eyes, something tugged at him and he just couldn't help himself. He leaned in, pulled Buffy to him and kissed her.
What was she doing? Her husband wasn't even in the ground, yet here she was making out with his best friend in their bedroom. She didn't care, though. She needed to feel something, someone. Graham, at least, made her feel. He made her feel safe. He made her feel tough. He made her feel...alive.
They broke away at the same instant, but remained in close contact. "We shouldn't be doing this.." Buffy whispered to Graham through labored breaths.
"I know...we really shouldn't.." he agreed.
"Buffy? Graham? Are you guys still in there?" they heard Willow's from the hallway.
Graham looked at Buffy who just shook her head. "We'll talk about this after the funeral." She walked to the door, threw it open, meeting Willow in the hallway. "We have a funeral to get to and we're running late as it is." Buffy turned around, took another look at Graham then followed Willow downstairs, Graham close at her heels.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The casket stood at the front of the altar, the top opened for everyone to see the body of Riley Finn, laying cold and lifeless within the cherry wood casket.
In the front pews sat Monica and Ross Finn, their three grandchildren sitting among them. Holding Emily sat on Stephanie's lap. Stephanie's body was still numb from receiving the news of her brother's sudden death from her mother two days before. Next to her sat Toby who held Logan. Toby was putting on a strong front for his family but deep inside all he wanted to do was kill something. He longed to do something drastic, anything. But what would that solve? Would that bring Riley back from the dead?
"When's Buffy going to get here?" Toby whispered to Stephanie.
His sister only shrugged. "I'm not quite sure. Maybe she couldn't handle it. Maybe she just couldn't bear to say goodbye to him...I know I can barely bear it.." Stephanie told her brother.
Toby wrapped an arm around his sister, hoping that would calm her a little bit, but knew deep down that nothing was going to help. Riley's death was taking a toll on them all, especially Buffy.
The doors to the back of the church opened and everyone seated within turned around to see the widow of Riley Finn being escorted into the church by Graham Miller and Xander Harris.
"Whatever you do...don't let go," Buffy whispered to her two favorite guys as she tried desperately to ignore the looks coming from her family and friends. She knew what was going through their heads. "That poor child..married so young, mothered so young, and now..widowed so young."
She didn't want anyone's pity. She wanted her Riley back. She wanted her permanence back. But she knew that she would never get it back. Not ever..
As they approached Riley's coffin, Buffy slowed her pace and was happy that Graham and Xander followed her lead. Her breath caught in her throat and she became lightheaded...thank goodness she had two strong men beside her.
"Are you okay?" Graham asked her warily. He had a feeling that something was going to happen...it was just a feeling that he had. Buffy had refused to see Riley until the funeral and knowing Buffy, the moment she saw Riley...it would all hit her at once. And it wouldn't be pretty..
Buffy's eyes met his and she tried to smile. "I'll be fine," she told him. She took a breath, then whispered, "Can you guys let me go?" she asked, never once taking her eyes away from the casket.
"Are you sure?" they asked in unison, not sure whether or not they should let her go, for fear that the moment she looked into her husband's face, she would just breakdown..
She nodded her head and took her arms from theirs. After taking a long deep breath and staring up at the church ceiling for what seemed like all of eternity, she stepped toward the casket..
The site before her stilled her breath. Her Riley lay still in the coffin, his features pale, his body dressed in a navy blue suit. "Riley?" she whispered as she ran to the coffin. "NO!" she screamed.
Graham and Xander were at her side immediately. They tried to pull her away, but she wouldn't budge. "Leave me the fuck alone!" she yelled at them, her gaze never leaving Riley's. She brushed back his hair as her tears wet his neatly pressed suit.
Graham stood behind Buffy, watching her carefully. He glanced behind him at Riley's parents where Miss Finn was sobbing on her husband's chest. His gaze travelled down the pew where Stephanie was holding Emily tight against her chest, staring blankly at some unforsaken spot in front of her.
"You promised you'd never leave me.." Buffy was telling Riley, her hands clutching at his blazer. "You told me that we'd be together forever. You said that we'd grow old together that we'd both retire together and move into the nursing home together when both of our hips were broken...it wasn't supposed to end like this...you weren't supposed to go first...I WAS..I WAS!!" she screamed.
The church was nothing but silence afterward...
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When a loved one dies, we feel as if our lives suddenly stop. We go through a sense of denial. We act as if they'll come back when in fact we know deep down that they are gone forever. No one likes death, no one can accept the finality of it either. But what have to realize is that our loved ones are going to be in a pure place, a place where nothing can harm, a place without sin and evil.." the priest was saying.
Buffy was frozen. She sat in the cemetery, in front of Riley's closed casket, staring at the whole in the ground where her husband would be buried soon. Why? Why Riley? Of all the people that didn't deserve to die...Riley didn't deserve it. Riley deserved to live. He had three reasons to live, besides her. He had his future ahead of him...seeing his children grow up, graduate, get married, and have children of their own...he should've lived to be able to witness all of that. But no! Some bigger force wanted him, some bigger force took him away from the wife, from the children, and the people that loved him most.
"Riley's sister, Stephanie, will now say a few words about her brother."
The priest stepped aside as Stephanie stepped forward. She laid a single red rose on Riley's coffin, then backed away, staring down at the ground. "Riley was not just my big brother, he was like the perfect best friend. No matter what I did, he always understood. I remember when I first met Buffy, I didn't like her. The reason why I didn't like her was because I felt like she was taking away my best friend." She met Buffy's tear-streaked gaze. "Buffy, I realize that you were the best thing to happen to Riley. I had been the only woman besides our mom in his life after his first marriage...I was protective. I thought you would hurt him, too. I thought that you were like her...but you're not. You deserved Riley and vice versa. He has never known love like he's known it with you.."
Buffy slid out of her chair and walked to where her sister-in-law was standing. They embraced each other for a long moment, mumbling to each other through tears how sorry they were as they reminded the other how much Riley loved them. "You were his little angel for so long..he was so proud of the young woman you were becoming, Steph. When you graduated, he was so proud of you. When you chose to be a psychology major he took all the credit," Buffy said with a laugh. "He loved you so much. He wanted nothing but happiness for you as do I. And just because he isn't here in the flesh doesn't mean he is gone..he'll be watching over you, so you can't disappoint him." She took a long pause as she wiped away the tears from Stephanie's cheek. "Alright?"
Stephanie nodded, then briefly embraced Buffy once more. They walked each other back to their seats and held on as Graham approached Riley's casket...
His legs were shaking and his insides were doing somersaults. He had never been so nervous in his entire life; not since his wedding day, anyway.
"Riley Finn was a man of honor, a man of prestige, a man who was loved eternally by some of the most beautiful, most caring people in the world. Riley had so much to live for...I have wished over and over that I would've been the one to have been on the opposite side of that weapon that day..." Graham said.
Buffy's head flew up immediately.
"If I had been there, Riley would be here...he'd probably be delivering a sappy speech that would be nothing but lies...but at least he'd be alive. At least he'd be with the wife that loves him more than anything in the world, with the children that adore him and the rest of his family and friends that he's left behind...Riley was a man of truth and as his best friend I should be truthful, myself. I should be the one in that casket...not Riley."
"Take that back right now, Graham!" Buffy said as she stood up from her chair, wobbling a little as she straightened herself.
It took all of Graham's strength to look up at Buffy. "Please, Buffy...it's true. You wouldn't be hurting as much if I were there instead of Riley..."
"You don't think so...Graham I love you just as much as I love Riley. A little differently, but you're just as special to me. You're not just Riley's best friend, you're mine as well. I wouldn't have been able to get through the past few days if it hadn't been for you...you're my rock. If it wasn't for you, no telling where I'd be. Don't ever say that you should've been the one to die..either way a child will lose a father...your children love you just as much as mine love Riley..they'd miss you and mourn for you, too. Don't ever, EVER let me hear you wish yourself dead. You got that?"
He started to but, but Buffy placed a finger over his lips, silencing him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed his cheek. Graham walked her back to her seat as the priest wrapped up the ceremony.
"My condolences go out to all of you...May your memories bring you comfort and keep your loved-one close in heart..My sympathy and love reach out to all of you during this time of sadness. I know that the peace and love that surrounds him now is sustaining you all. Remembers nothing, if this: Those dearest to us never really leave; they live on in the way they cared, shared and made us happy. Today and always, may loving memories bring you the strength, comfort, and peace to move past this lost love."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Days later...
Buffy stood in front of Riley's fresh grave, holding Emily in her arms, Logan and Kennedy standing beside her with Graham a few feet away. She stared down at tombstone, at the words, REST IN PEACE. The words made her heart ache to have Riley back in her life, back in the flesh.
"Do you think Daddy likes being with the angels, Mommy?" Emily asked her as she toyed with a strand of Buffy's hair.
"I'm sure he does, Princess. Not as much he liked being with us, I'm sure, but I'll bet he's happy exactly where he is..."
Emily slid out of Buffy's grasp and with Logan and Kennedy, ran off to play, leaving their mother alone. Buffy kneeled in front of the grave, closing her eyes. "God, Riley, you have no idea how hard it is to say goodbye..I never thought I'd have to..I always thought you'd be around just as long as I would. I want you to know that I'll never forget you, I'll always treasure our time spent together and no one, NO ONE, can replace you in my heart. If I fall in love again, which may or may not happen," she said, glancing toward Graham, "I'll make sure he knows what you meant and always will mean to me. You'll never be far from my thoughts. Rest peacefully, my love....I love you." Buffy laid a white rose atop of his marble tombstone, then stood up.
She walked toward Graham, stopping a few feet in front of him. "Said your peace?" he asked her.
"More or less," she told him. She looked up at the clear blue sky, then brought her eyes back to Graham. "Look, Graham, about the other day, about that kiss..."
"I know, Buffy. We were just caught up in the moment..it was a mistake. I've heard it before, so spare me, okay?" he said sarcastically.
She shook her head. "That's not what I was going to say. Look, Graham, I enjoyed our kiss. It felt so..I don't know. I felt something, but nothing can happen right now between us. I need to mourn and get myself together. After that, if I'm ready, and if we still want something to happen, then we'll see. Okay with you?"
He nodded. "Take as long as you need, Buffy. I'm not going anywhere.." he told her.
She smiled and leaned in, pressing her lips to his. "I know..." She knew it was true, too. As long as she needed him and however long it took her to get over Riley, she knew that Graham would wait.
Graham stood in the cemetery, watching as Buffy piled her kids into her car. He stood in front of Riley's grave, watching as Buffy's car disappeared down the road. Once she was out of sight, Graham walked to Riley's grave. "Riley, I need a sign. Tell me, you're okay with this...somehow, somehow, let me know," Graham begged.
Above his head, the wind blew, making leaves unattach themselves from the branches. Graham smiled to himself as his eyes returned to Riley's grave. With his head held high, he walked out of the cemetery. For as long as it took Buffy to mourn Riley, he would wait. Just knowing that she was going to turn to him, made life a little easier, even knowing deep down that he would always be Buffy's chosen second.
As much as it hurt his pride, he could live with that...
The End