"Forgiveness"
Author: Michelle
Email: michellabella52478@yahoo.com
Notes: I don't know what happened in "Sanctuary" yet, so I'm winging
it. But I am really depressed about what I heard, so I wrote this story to
make me feel better.
Buffy sat on the edge of her bed, her head in her hands. It had been two months since her life turned upside down; since she had pushed away everyone who cared about her. Now, two months after that fateful decision she still second-guessed herself. "Will, I feel so horrible. Like every decision I make is the wrong one."
Willow, who had been sitting on the floor, stood up and wrapped her best friend in her arms. "That's not true and you know it. When you set your mind on something, it's because that is the best choice."She pulled herself away from Willow. "Not this time. No, I screwed up royally this time."
"The only way to find out is if you talk to him. Go to L.A., Buffy."
"But what if he won't see me? What if he hates me and can never forgive me? I was so harsh to him last time we talked; I said things I didn't mean."
"I can't tell you what to do. But I will give you some advice. Talk to him. Explain why you said what you said and did the things you did. He's very forgiving, Buffy, and he loves you more than anything. I don't think it's possible for him to hate you." Willow gave her a small smile. "Go to him." >{? The blonde Slayer wiped her eyes and nodded. "You're right. As usual. I'm going to L.A. and talk to Angel. I need to see where we stand."
The door to the office slammed shut, causing Cordelia to look up from the fashion magazine she was reading at her desk. She raised an eyebrow when she saw who entered the room. "Well well well. If it isn't Buffy Summers. What do you want?"
"I'm here to see Angel. Is he in?" Buffy asked.
"Why? So you can break his heart again? Send him into full brooding mode like you did in May? You have no right to come here, Buffy. You chose Riley; you can't have your cake and eat it too."
Angel entered the room in time to hear Cordelia's speech. "That's enough, Cordelia." He shifted his gaze from his secretary to his lost love. "Buffy."
Buffy managed a small, genuine smile. He still had the ability to quicken her heartbeat. "Hi, Angel."
"Is something wrong?"
She shook her head. "Not a supernatural something, if that's what you mean. But I do need to talk to you." She glanced quickly at Cordelia. "In private."
"Okay. We can talk downstairs."
"Downstairs! In your apartment?" screeched Cordelia.
"Follow me," Angel instructed Buffy, choosing to ignore Cordelia's outburst. He led her into the elevator, pressed the button for it to go down and stood in silence. Angel wondered what she was doing here; he never thought he'd see her again after the incident in May. When the elevator came to a rest at his apartment, they exited. He walked over to the couch, followed by Buffy.
"Have a seat." He motioned for her to sit down.
"Thank you." She looked around at the apartment. It had a very Angel-esque quality to it. "I like your place. It's very...you."
"You've been here before," he reminded her.
"I know." Buffy shuddered at the memory. The last time she'd been there it hadn't been pretty. "But I didn't exactly take the time to check it out."
Angel wanted to change the subject of her never having been in his apartment. Although he knew she had been, but she didn't remember it. The memory of the two of them spending the day there, granted mostly in his bed, stabbed at Angel's heart. They were memories that only he could remember. "What did you want to talk to me about?"
"This is really hard for me."
"Buffy, you can tell me anything."
"No, I can't. Some things I should keep to myself, which is why I'm here. I want to apologize to you for what I said. It was totally uncalled for."
"Buffy--" he began.
She raised a hand to silence him. "Please, let me say this while I still can. Angel, I never meant to hurt you the way I did. Calling you selfish and saying that you never meant anything to me are two things I regret. And you have to believe me when I say that I never meant it when I said I wished you had never touched me or made love to me.
"And rubbing my relationship with Riley in your face...it's unforgivable. I wanted you to be jealous because I was jealous. Jealous that maybe you'd moved on with Faith. And I was speaking out of fear and anger. I wouldn't have consciously said those things to you, but I was so angry at everything around me. Not you, never you. It was me I was the most angry with, I think, for putting you and Riley in that situation. I know what happened was an accident, but then, I was so angry at myself and wrongfully took it out on you. I'm sorry, Angel."
"Are you done?" She nodded. "You don't need to apologize to me, Buffy. I was never angry with you. When I left you last year, I left so you could have a normal life, and you found it with Riley. I'll admit I was disappointed and heartbroken that you'd moved on without me. Because I will never be able to move on. Every woman I'll ever meet from now until my life is over will never compare to you. She'll always be second in my heart after you. I'm always going to love you, and nothing you can say or do to me is ever going to change that."
"I wasn't being fair to you."
"No, you weren't." Her eyes widened at his statement. "Your words literally broke my heart. Why did you say it if you didn't mean it? You decided to make me your personal punching bag? Because I didn't appreciate it. But I've come to accept it."
Buffy couldn't look in his eyes. She hated knowing she'd hurt him, especially when she hadn't meant to. "I'm sorry, Angel. After you left, I was devastated. I didn't know how to act anymore, my whole life just fell apart. Then I met Riley. He is - was - is everything you wanted for me. He's normal, human, can go out in the sunlight and can make love to me. Isn't that what you wanted?"
"Yes, it is."
"He loves me. At least he says he does. And I thought I loved him. And then I saw you and Faith together and I got jealous. And things got even more complicated when you came to Sunnydale to help with Adam. You and Riley were fighting and I didn't know what to do, but I knew I had to choose between the two of you. Choosing between you and Riley was like being forced to choose between the life I could have and the life I wanted."
"And you made your choice. I've come to accept it, Buffy. You chose what you wanted -- Riley."
She shook her head, finally making eye contact. Looking into Angel's brown eyes was like looking into her own soul. "No, I made the wrong choice. I chose the life I could have, the life you and everyone else wanted for me. But I couldn't live with my decision and I broke it off with Riley when school ended. The life I want isn't with Riley Finn. It's with you, Angel."
"I'm sorry?" He was taken aback.
"I made my choice, and afterwards, every time I was with Riley, all I could think about was you. How much I must have hurt you, how much Riley wasn't you, and how much you still mean to me. So I told Riley to go home. I still love you. I thought you should know that." When Angel didn't answer right away, she continued talking. "I'm not expecting anything, that's not why I came here. In fact, I hadn't even planned on coming, but Willow told me to talk to you. And now I've told you. Say something. Please."Angel stared at his hands, which were clasped in his lap. "There's something I need to tell you, too. Like you said, I'm not expecting anything from you. This may or may not change things, but I think you should know."
"Know what?"
"In May, I didn't go to Sunnydale just to help you fight Adam. Right after you left L.A. the second time, the Oracles sent for me. They speak for The Powers That Be. When I got there, they told me I had earned part of my redemption through my work with Faith. And because of it, they took out the clause in my curse. So, I returned to tell you my soul is permanent."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
He took an unnecessary breath. "I never got the chance. That whole thing happened with Riley, and then with everything you said after, I decided not to tell you. I went home."
"I--I don't know what to say. Except that I still love you. And that I still want to be with you."
"I do, too. But nothing's changed. I still can't give you afternoon picnics or children or anything remotely normal."
Buffy moved so she sat only inches from him. She put her hand on his cheek, moving his head so that he faced her. Just that simple touch sent shock waves through her body. "I had normal and I was miserable. Riley never understood me the way you do. Do you honestly think I care about Sunday picnics or children? And sex? I've learned that a relationship needs more than just sex to be successful. It may be fun, but I don't need it to be happy. We were happy without it. But you can give me that now, not that it matters. Angel, I love you regardless or whether or not you can give me an orgasm."
He laughed shortly. "What are you saying, Buffy? Do you want me?"
"I never stopped." She brought her lips to his, catching them in a soft, passionate kiss. "Will you stay with me this time?"
He devoured her face with kisses, running his hand through her flowing blonde hair. "I never wanted to leave you in the first place. I love you so much."
Buffy felt light-headed by his kisses as he lifted her from the couch, carrying her to his bedroom. In the safety of his loving embrace, Buffy knew he had forgiven her.
The End