Buffy looked up. "It's a waste of a perfectly good penny."

"Maybe. Maybe not. What's wrong? You look so down."

"I'm fine, Will. Nothing's wrong."

"No, something's wrong. I know the difference between happy-go-lucky Buffy and down-in-the-dumps Buffy. And you're the latter." She sighed. "I am your best friend. You can tell me anything."

Buffy shook her head. "It's private. Really private."

"It's about Angel, isn't it?" It was more a statement than a question. Ever since he'd returned from Hell a few weeks earlier, Willow had noticed how sad Buffy seemed. Like something was plaguing her thoughts.

"Yeah. Well, sort of."

Willow decided that the only way to help Buffy's state was to listen to her problem. "I want to help you. But you have to tell me what's wrong first. It doesn't matter to me how private, or how stupid it may seem. I'd never judge you."

The blonde smiled softly. She did want to get it off of her chest, and knew Willow would listen with an open mind. "Thanks, I really appreciate it. But it's really private. I don't know if you'd understand."

"Maybe not, but at least I'd listen."

Buffy gave in. She readied herself to tell her best friend her worst fear. "Alright. I've never told this to anyone -- not you, not Giles, nobody. Probably because I was ashamed and worried that it might be true."

"What might be true?"

She opened her mouth to speak, but couldn't find the words. "God, I don't even know where to start."

"The beginning always works."

"Do you remember when you found out that Angel had lost his soul?"

Willow nodded. "I don't think I'm likely to forget that anytime soon. He came to the school and almost killed me. But Xander and you stopped him."

Buffy frowned. "Right after that I said I should have known, because of the things he said to me. I had gone to the apartment before he attacked you, looking for him. I hadn't realized what happened to him; all I knew was that when I woke up in his bed, he wasn't there." She paused for a moment to take a deep breath. "Well, I saw him there. Will, I was so happy and relieved that Angel was okay that I didn't notice at first how cold he was acting toward me."

"It was Angelus, Buffy."

"I didn't know that until later. I didn't even know anything was wrong until I mentioned that he left after we...after we made love. I remember his words exactly. 'Like I really wanted to stick around after that.' Then he said that I needed to learn more about men and I was basically nothing special. That my--my performance was nothing special."

"Oh my god, Buffy. He said that?"

"Uh-huh. And now with Angel being back, I think it's true."

"No."

"Yes. He won't even mention that night, like it hurts or something. Brings back bad memories and he's too nice to say anything to me." Tears fell down Buffy's cheeks. "Willow, what if I was his worst? He's been with hundreds of women. I know I can't even compare to them."

Willow hugged the crying girl. "You know that isn't true. Angel loves you. He would never let something petty like that come between you guys. I know that."

"I'm afraid. Afraid that every time he looks at me he thinks about that night and remembers how bad I was."

"You need to talk to him about this."

Buffy looked Willow dead in the eye. "I don't think I can. It's one thing to talk to you about it, but Angel's a completely different story.""If you don't, you'll never be sure. I can't tell you what to do, Buffy, but I can give you advice. And my advice is to talk to Angel."

Angel put down the book he was reading when he heard Buffy enter the mansion. "Buffy. Hi," he greeted. He was still unsure of how to act around her in light of recent events.

She gave the vampire a smile. "Hi. I thought I'd stop by and see how you're doing."

"I'm doing better every day. How was patrol?"

Buffy shrugged. "Boring. The vamps don't want to come out and play with me tonight."

"I'm sorry. I think. No, that's good, right?"

"I suppose."

One glance in her eyes told Angel something was wrong. "What is it? What's bothering you, Buffy?"

"Nothing."

"You're not a very good liar. Tell me." He motioned for her to sit next to him on the couch.

Buffy sat a foot away from him. "Do you...do you still love me?"

"What kind of a question is that? Is that what's bothering you?"

"That's part of it. Do you?"

"Yes, Buffy, I still love you. How can you even doubt that? I thought you knew how I feel."

She looked down at her lap. "I don't know. After..."

He lifted her chin to make eye contact with her. "After what?"

"Never mind. I shouldn't have come here." She started to stand up, but Angel firmly placed his hands on her shoulders, keeping her in a sitting position.

"After what, Buffy?" Angel repeated.

"The day after my birthday, when you lost your soul. I wasn't sure if...maybe he was telling the truth..."

The day flashed through Angel's mind. He saw his evil self belittling Buffy, and saw the look of humiliation on her face. He was angry at himself that she believed Angelus; angry that he -- himself -- hadn't done anything to make her think otherwise.

"You think he was telling the truth? Don't you know that Angelus was only trying to hurt you?"

"No, Angel, I know that he was trying to hurt me. But it's been in the back of my mind that maybe he was right. Now you are back and it's all coming back to me. All those fears that he had told me the truth." She wiped her eyes. "I'm making no sense at all, am I?"

"You make complete sense. But you have nothing to be afraid of. Angelus said those things to torment you. He's a master manipulator; wanted to drive you insane with your fears."

'He's not denying it,' she thought to herself. 'Angel is only telling me why Angelus said it, not that it wasn't true.' "I know all of this, Angel. I know how he played his game and made me doubt myself, driving me insane." Buffy was near the breaking point, and she didn't want to do it in front of him. "You know what, never mind. Forget I even came here."

"No, I can't forget it." He followed her to the door. "You obviously came here to tell me something and I'm not going to let you leave without telling me what it is."

She turned around, and he saw that her eyes were tear-filled, red and bloodshot. "I want to know if he was telling the truth."

"Buffy, you should know--"

"No! I don't want to hear that I should automatically know it. I want to hear you say it. Tell me! I think I deserve to know the truth." Angel didn't say anything. "Was Angelus telling the truth?!"

The demon raged within him because of the anger and intensity in her voice. "No!" Angel took an unnecessary breath before continuing. "He was lying to you, Buffy." He shook his head. "This is all my fault."

"How? I came here to find out if what Angelus said was true. How can it possibly be your fault?"

"I should have known. I should have controlled myself that night."

"Don't blame yourself. Neither of us knew what would happen; that you would lose your soul after one moment of happiness," Buffy explained to him.

He ran his fingertips across her cheek. "You just answered your own question."

"No..."

"Yes, you did. You said I lost my soul after one moment of happiness. True happiness is virtually impossible to come by. I found that with you when we made love, Buffy." Angel wiped the tears from her cheeks. "Everything that plagued me, all the guilt and anger I felt left my soul because you made me so happy. True happiness doesn't happen everyday."

She sniffled. "I made you happy and it cost you your soul."

"If I could change anything in my life, it would be the aftermath of being with you. Hurting you the way I did, I wish I could take it back. But I wouldn't trade making love to you that night for anything."

"You wouldn't?" She managed a small smile through her tears.

Angel shook his head. "In 243 years, I'd never experienced love until I was with you. Pure, true love. And to answer your question, Buffy, you weren't bad. There aren't even words to describe how good you were."

"You mean that?"

"Of course I do. I would have given anything to have woken up next to you the next morning and told you that. But I never got the chance."

"Sometimes I wish we could, just so I could wake up in your arms," admitted Buffy.

Angel hugged her to him. "So do I. It takes every ounce of self-control I have to keep myself from making love to you again. I love you, Buffy. Just remember that."

"Will you ever let me forget?" she asked.

"Not for as long as we live."

The End

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