For the first time in one hundred and fifty years, I am speechless.
Even now, hours later after she cried herself to sleep, emotionally exhausted
… I cannot even begin to fathom …
It wasn't ME she fell in love with. I was not the one
to show her that the world is not black and white. It was not ME that
made her realize that a demon can love … and I'm not the one who marked
her.
Although, come to think, mayhap it was …
She told me that she had to hurt him, anger him, to get him
to drink. She brought his demon – ME! – to the surface and
he fed on her luscious blood, tasted her silken skin and claimed her with
his fangs. He marked her, showing to all the world that she was his
beloved mate, his Buffy.
/ "… when you kiss me, I want to die." /
And then his idiot soul walks away from her.
/ "You don't want to be with me?" /
Fool. I know that she fears his demon, and frankly,
I would likely fear him too. For I know that what she now suspects
is true.
He was mad, utterly and completely insane, and worse than
Drusilla because he still had some semblance of sanity. To have lived
with a soul strangling his needs, desires and urges for a hundred years
must have made him so. I cringe at the thought; to think that had
Darla survived the same would very likely have happened here …
How horrible a fate! The perfect punishment, as the
Rom must have known. Not only did they return the soul, the conscience,
but they succeeded in ripping him from the security and support his family
and clan, casting him adrift in a sea of isolation and guilt. Nothing
existed for him, I'm sure, nothing but remorse.
Until he saw her and found a reason to live again.
/ " … I saw you called. It was a bright afternoon
out in front of your school. You walked down the steps ... and ... and I
loved you." /
Oh, it sounds melodramatic, but I know it happened …
because I felt the same.
From the moment she entered this world I knew my life was
changing. The air shifted and carried a new scent that intoxicated
my senses, my blood quickened and I hungered for something completely unknown
yet utterly familiar. Then when I gazed upon her in the dark room
of that moldy house, I knew … beyond reason or sense, I knew she was
mine. Her arrival in my world was not a coincidence because I knew
without being told that she was born for me.
I know because those feelings have surged within me once before,
on the fateful night I first set eyes on my Will.
And somehow, someway my Otherself – demon and soul –
managed to walk away from both his mates. I suppose I can understand
why he feared to stay with Buffy, I know I would never be able to abstain,
but he should never have lied. A Slayer with a normal life?
Ridiculous.
/ " You deserve more. You deserve something outside
of demons and darkness. You should be with someone who can take you
into the light, someone who can make love to you … and children."
"I'll never have a normal life."
"Right, you'll always be a Slayer. But that's all
the more reason why you should have a real relationship instead of this,
this freak show." /
Buffy would no doubt have had a fuller life, but it would
never have been remotely "normal." Has he forgotten that
Slayers cannot have children? Lovely little safety valve courtesy
of the Powers That Be. Mayhap my Otherself did not kill that particular
Watcher …
Well, that is neither here nor there.
She fell in love with his soul and that love was reciprocated,
but she never realized that his demon loved her as well. No doubt,
his madness prevented him from showing her how a demon loves, and she is
only now learning the truth. Moreover, unleashing that madness on
the world would be utter folly. Raising a demon to bring hell on Earth?
What WAS he thinking?
/ "You are the one thing in this dimension I will miss."
/
Mmmm … I doubt he was thinking. His obsession with
an unresponsive Buffy likely drove him over the proverbial edge.
Therefore, perhaps leaving was the best thing for him.
Though why no one thought about a binding spell, or demon-tamer spell is
quite offsetting. Either or both would likely have solved the problem.
Mayhap not completely, though. From what Buffy told
me tonight and Will told me months ago, the relationship between my Otherself
and his Will – Spike – was extremely troubled. Ah, let's
be honest – it's fucked up. I have no idea how they could remedy
that situation unless my Otherself asserts his dominance …
Damn those gypsies! They ruined my Otherself's life,
the lives of his Childer and clan and, through that curse, traumatized my
beautiful Buffy. No, her arrival in this world was no coincidence.
As reparation for the wrongs done her in her native dimension, she was sent
here.
And although I know she loves my Otherself still, I know she
is coming to love Will and I as well. In the end, that will be enough
…
/ "It's never OVER!" /
Eventually His love and betrayal will be nothing but a pale
shadow of a memory, and she will understand that it was for me she was born,
not Him. Time is on my side in this, as is Love, I no longer doubt
that … for in this world there are no impediments.
He took it well.
Oh, I know he's shocked, but he just held me as it all spilled
out. And right now I'm comfortably numb, able to think about everything
rationally (okay, almost rationally) without feeling the pain. Of
course, I can't feel the love or the trust or the warmth, either.
/ " … when I look into the future, a-a... all I
see is you! All I want is you." /
I'm simply numb.
/ " … hello to the pain … " /
On another level, I'm relieved, too. Keeping secrets,
watching my words, editing tales and the occasional outright lies, they
were all taking their toll on me. On top of that is all the new information
I've had to process since being stranded, the new experiences … the
emotions.
/ " … isn't that where the fire comes from?
Can a nice, safe relationship be that intense? I know it's nuts, but
… part of me believes that real love and passion have to go hand in
hand with pain and fighting." /
I'm surprised this didn't happen sooner. I offered to
let him read my diary when we return to London; we're leaving sooner than
planned. Not just because of this, but because Angelus refuses to
linger here after the murder. The local constabulary (my, look at
the big word; this world has really changed my vocabulary … Giles would
pleased) are letting us return because they have no reason to hold us.
Miranda Hatton can shriek and scream to her heart's content, but no one
believes we had anything to do Lady Sees' death. And we didn't –
we were together all night. Eleanor slipped me a note earlier; apparently,
her cousin is upset that I refused to disgrace myself at tea yesterday.
Oh, God, was that only yesterday? It seems like a lifetime
ago in another world …
But then, almost everything does these days.
Angelus is still downstairs in the study, staring out at the
night while nursing the same glass of port. It looks like he'll be
there for a few more hours, until the dawn forces him to bed.
I need some air to clear my head.
I think I'll go for a ride.
I slipped into Bath hoping to surprise my family, my lovers,
but I'm the one that got a surprise. I was just outside the door to
the master suite when I heard Buffy's shriek … then came the tears
and the rest of it just poured out. It's a wonder she kept it a secret
for this long. Oh, I knew some of it, but not enough to construct
the whole story.
I think I understand Spike much more, now. Certainly,
I can relate to his anger; his relationship with his Angelus was ruined
not by him, but by Darla and some gypsies. Yes, we can blame that
bitch – she did, after all, turn him out. What would have happened
if she had accepted the curse and tried to help her Childe? Could
she and the others have found a spell to reverse the effects? Could
he have found perfect joy and true happiness among his Sire and Childer?
/ "You think you can fool me?! You were my sire,
man! You were my ... Yoda!"
"Things change."
"Not us! Not demons! Man, I can't believe
this." /
Eh …
Buffy's reactions make sense now. Her fears, her needs,
her innocence … all has been explained. Even why, despite all
the mentions she's made about missing her Watcher and friends, she's never
mentioned her mother. Why bother?
I hope Spike finds a way to reconcile with his Sire.
If Angel is even remotely like Angelus, he's probably livid at losing Buffy.
Even though the fool left her.
/ "Love isn't brains, children, it's blood … blood
screaming inside you to work its will." /
Moreover, I know my Sire thinks him a fool. How could
this Angel claim her, then just walk away from his mate and expect life
to go on as before? Did he not remember that most others would recognize
his claim and stay avoid her … and that his enemies would attempt to
use her?
I wonder if Spike stayed on the Hellmouth to watch over her,
thinking that aiding her might mollify his Sire. Surely he could have
left town and still survived …
She's moving about now, and I can hear clothes rustle as she
peers around the back stairwell. Ah, she's going riding. Without
Angelus. She probably just needs some space, but it never hurts to
have backup in case there's trouble.
And knowing Buffy …
In the dark night of the soul, it's always four am.
It's darkest before dawn. All these phrases ran through my head as
picked my way back through the dense woods to where I tethered the horse.
For the past half hour or so I've had the sense I'm being followed, but
my spider sense isn't panicking – it's too familiar. So all I
can do is retrace my steps in the darkest time of day, when the moon has
set and the sun has yet to rise.
My green and yellow plaid split riding-skirt keeps getting
caught on brambles and the tiny sounds of linen ripping cuts through the
stillness as I pull it free. The clearing is just up ahead, and --
It's blocked.
A slightly familiar voice rings out, laced with shock, fear
and no little determination. "Miss Summers … how …
why are you still here?"
I look up to see a woman I last saw six months ago on a cold
December evening.
Alicia.
The Slayer.
The End