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This was the time that it always felt perfect, that this felt right. Looking at her sleeping next to him he could forget all the heartache that she bear daily. And he could imagine that it was him that she dreamed of him, him that she made small smiles in her sleep about. But he knew that he was *dreaming* if he actually believed that.

She dreamed of a tall dark haired demon, not the tall dark haired human who would endure anything for her. He knew it, he accepted it. He took what she could give him and accepted it, but lately it had begun to wear on him, he loved her and she was never going to love him, not in the same way. It hurt much more then he could have imagined when this strange relationship had started. He lie back in the bed remembering a stormy night six months ago.

Six months previously

The rain pelted the awning over the window of Xanders apartment, he could hear each drop hitting the tin. The storm had knocked out the electricity and he was bored, he lit a few candles and actually picked up a book. Willow had left it there on her last visit and he hadn't returned it yet. He went to open the cover when there was a soft knock on his door. He got up to answer it, wondering who would be out in this weather.

He got his answer when he opened the door and found the petite, drenched, blond Slayer on his doorstep. He ushered her in the apartment quickly "Buffy, what are you doing out in this mess? I can't imagine that even vamps are out tonight."

He led her to the couch, she was strangely silent as he left to get a towel. He came back into the room towel in hand and sat beside her on the couch. He wrapped the towel around her shoulders and began to dry her off. She smiled a small sad smile at him.

"Buffy what's wrong?" He asked softly as he moved the towel up to her hair and began to gently dry it.

"I'm tired Xander, and scared and lonely." She said softly and then she leaned up to him and gently kissed his lips.

Shocked he pulled back for a moment but when he looked into her eyes and saw the sadness there her quickly pulled her close and returned the kiss. The kiss deepened and before long Buffys small hands were unbuttoning his shirt she ran one fingernail lightly down his chest smiling up at him, she then began to remove her own shirt.

Xander looked on in amazement his fantasy from high school unfolding right before his eyes, he almost pinched himself to make sure he wasn't dreaming. But she was real and she wanted him, he looked straight into those hazel eyes "Are you sure?" He asked unsteadily.

She nodded with a small sigh, "I'm sure Xander. Make me forget, just for tonight, please make me forget."

He listened to her words knowing they were going to lead to heartache for him but he couldn't deny her. So he made love to her tenderly, sweetly without regrets. Because that was what she needed. And Xander was willing to do whatever Buffy needed.

And the next morning he woke up and found her curled up next to him and she looked so right there. But he knew, in his heart he knew that it wasn't really him she longed for. So he made her breakfast and brought it to her in the bed. Propping the pillows up behind her, she looked small and vulnerable in the bed. He sat the tray down and watched her begin to eat.

"You didn't have to do this Xander. Last night, well, it shouldn't have... " She started but he cut off her words.

"Happened. It shouldn't have happened. I know. But no regrets about it, right." He smiled at her, amazed at the strength he was showing, he wanted to take her in his arms and keep her there forever.

"Right, no regrets about it. But it can't happen again." She smiled shyly at him as she finished her breakfast.

"No, it can't happen again." Xander agreed.

And then three nights later she showed up at his place again and the same conversation was repeated. It was agreed that it couldn't happen again. But it had happened again and again over the last six months. And now his heart was so close to breaking that he knew it couldn't go on. He loved her and needed something in return. So this would be the morning, the morning he would be strong, the morning that he would mean those words "It can't happen again."

She stirred in her sleep opening her eyes she looked up at him drowsily and smiled up at him "Good morning."

"Morning. Hungry? I can fix breakfast and then we can talk." He told her as he brushed his lips softly against her cheek and slid out of the bed.

He pulled out the skillet and plugged in the toaster. He was surprised to hear Buffy padding into the kitchen behind him. "Talk, that sounds serious." She said lightly, but he could hear the anxiety in her voice.

She pulled herself up to the counter and took a seat by the stove. "What's wrong, Xander?" She asked concern heavy in her voice.

"Buffy, I can't do this anymore. I love you, you have to know that. But I just can't..." He started softly. A small hand caressed his cheek.

"I know Xander, it's not fair to you. I would do anything to make it different. I would love to have it be you that I dream of, because you deserve someone that dreams of you, someone that loves you fully. But it's not, and I'm not cruel enough to lie to you about something this important." She explained in a slow even voice. She smiled her sad smile and left the room.

He continued to cook and contemplated what she said. He could hear her getting her things together as he put the bread in the toaster. She came back into the kitchen fully dressed, bag in hand. "Stay for breakfast?" He asked hopefully.

"I don't think that's such a good idea. I'll see you around Xan. Thanks for everything." She told him as she made her way to the door, she looked once more at him before she closed the door behind her, leaving him alone in the apartment.

He sat down on the couch The pain came quickly. A warm tear ran down his cheek as he realized that if she came back tomorrow or three weeks from tomorrow he would welcome her back into his home, his bed, his heart.

He knew with complete and utter certainty that it would happen again and again and again.