"It's Never Over"
Author:
A. Price
Email: andramichelle@yahoo.com
"It’s Buffy." My words hung in the air surrounded by Willows quiet tears and a gasp of realization from Cordelia, a knowing sigh form Wesley. Willow stood up straight and walked up to me, she sniffled and pulled me into a hug. I couldn’t speak - a voice in my head screamed "no" loud and long but it didn’t block Willows words, "Buffy, Dawn, sacrifice, blood, gone... she’s gone."
She pulled away from me then, "I wanted to let you know in person. It seemed right."
It seeemed right? No, nothing was ever going to be *right* again. Nothing, Buffy was dead - I just found the strength, found my purpose again and now the core of that purpose, that strength is gone. Suddenly Cordelia’s arms are around me. She’s whispering comforting words that I don’t hear, Wesley has tears rolling down his face he takes off his glasses and tries to explain to Gunn what has happened. Fred stands beside him scared and confused. I don’t want them around me, I want to be alone, I need to be alone... with my memories.
"Thank you, Willow." I tell her as I turn and go to my room.
"Angel, will you be alright?" Wesley calls fearfully after me.
"I’ll never be alright again, Wesley." And I give a short bitter laugh as I walk away from them.
Cordelia starts after me and I hear Willow tell her, "Let him be alone for a little while, I think he needs that." Willow always so perceptive. I can hear her explaining details to Wesley and Cordelia and Cordy is crying now and I think Gunn is trying to comfort her. And I don’t even care - I have to get to my room - I have to find something. I walk to my dresser and pick the book up thats lying there. I open it and there she is, her face looks up from the picture, smiling and blond and beautiful, innocent in so many ways, brave and noble and loving.
Just a few weeks ago, she asked me to stay forever? Would it have made a difference if I had stayed? Would she still be here? Would my heart still be in one piece instead of the shattered pieces that cut my insides with a pain I’ve never experienced before? I’ll never know.
I lie down and the memories assault me, I hear her voice and it calms me...
"Angel, do you snore?"
No, I don’t but she does...did... she did. It was a soft little snore and I never mentioned it to her knowing how embarrassed she would have been. I’ll never hear that breathy little snore again, no one will.
Her voice comes to me and it’s not so calm this time, it’s the time the codex predicted her death. She was so vulnerable, more afraid then I have ever seen her.
"Giles, I’m sixteen, I don’t want to die."
Her words were so heartfelt, so heartbreaking.
"What do you know about this? You're never gonna die!"
"You think I want anything to happen to you? Do you think I could stand it? We just gotta figure out a way..."
And we did find a way. I still remember the pain of finding her in that pool, if Xander hadn’t been there to breathe for her. But he was there and she did come back to us...that time.
I tried so hard to stay away from you, Buffy. I knew I would only end up hurting you.
"Listen, if we date you and I both know one thing's gonna lead to another."
"One thing already has led to another. You think it's a little late to be reading me a warning label?"
"I'm just tryin' to protect you. This could get outta control."
"Isn't that the way it's supposed to be?"
Tears rolled down my face and I close my eyes and listened to her voice, it did get out of control and we couldn’t stop it. Truth be known, by then I didn’t want to stop it.
"Angel... I feel like I lost you. You're right, though. We can't be sure of anything."
" I love you. I try not to, but I can't stop."
"Me, me, too. I can't either".
I open my eyes and look at the picture still held tightly in my hand. As I gently trace the outline of her face I remember every line of her face, every curve of her body, the sweet tenderness of our lovemaking. Despite the consequences of that night, it will always remain bittersweet treasured memory for me. Especially now...
"There's gotta be some way we can still see each other."
"There is: tell me that you don't love me."
She was standing in the garden, her hands clasped in front of her. Her voice soft and full of pain. I knew that Spike’s words had thrown her, he had hit a chord deep within her. I wanted to be selfish I wanted her to stay with me, but I could never tell her the words she needed to hear. I will love for as long as I’m allowed to live.
I can hear Cordelia’s breathing, she’s standing just outside my door. I should let her in, ease her worry. But I’m too selfish to leave my memories, I want to hold on to her voice just a bit longer.
"Buffy, please. Just this once... let me be strong."
"Strong is fighting! It's hard, and it's painful, and it's every day. It's what we have to do. And we can do it together."
She saved my miserable life again. She never quit loving me, fighting for me, despite all of the pain I inflicted on her. You said we could do it together, Buffy. But we can’t not now... I feel the tears on my face again and I can still hear Cordelia outside my door.
"Cordelia, I need to be alone." I call to her through the door. My voice is hoarse and I can barely recognize it.
"Angel, are you sure that’s a good idea?" Her nose is stuffy from crying.
"I’m okay, please?" I call to her again.
"Okay, but if you need me... "
I hear her walking away and it just me and the memories again.
"What? Do I have funny bed hair or something?"
I had been watching her sleep for a half an hour listening to that breathy snore, watching her chest move with her breath, she was half smiling in her sleep. And I thought that I could lie next to her for the next hundred years just watching her sleep in my bed - and be perfectly happy. Perfectly happy - those words and Angel don’t go together and I think thats when I began to worry.
I see her standing in the cemetary brushing vampire dust off of her jacket.
"So this is our future? This is how we're going to spend our nights when I'm fifty and you're ... the same age you are now."
"Let's just get you to fifty."
We didn’t do it, did we, baby? We didnt’ get you there. If I had known, if I had any idea that it would happen so soon. I would have never left your side, I would have stayed with you in Sunnydale, cherishing every moment.
My leaving you so you could experience that normal life seems so stupid now. You weren’t meant to have a normal life, you weren’t meant to have a long life. I should have been there Buffy, I should have stayed with you. I failed you - it’s over. I keep seeing her face and all I can think is it’s over.
I lay back down on the pillow and close my eyes again. Buffy’s picture lay on the other pillow and she’s the last thing I see before I drift off into a fitful sleep.
I’m sobbing in my sleep and a voice comes to me loud and clear, it’s her voice again and I open my eyes. I’m not sure if I’m dreaming or not.
She’s standing next to me, smiling, almost glowing with serenity. "Don’t cry, Angel."
I wipe my tears and reach for her hand , its warm as she clasps her fingers around mine. "You’re real?"
She nods, "For now." And she runs her other hand softly down the side of my face.
"You’re really gone, aren’t you?" I ask my whole body is trembling.
"Yes, I am. Angel," She looks at me her bright eyes staring into mine, "I know you loved me and I would have died even if you had been there. It’s how it was supposed to be."
"But if I had just known, maybe... " I stumble over the words, because I know she’s right.
"For my sake please don’t dwell on it. I ‘ve been watching you tonight, watching the memories with you." Her voice cracked slightly but she held back the tears
"You forgot something important that I told you once." She grinned a little bit, "Not that you were at your best when I told you."
I don’t know what she’s talking about, "What, what did you tell me?"
"I told you once that ‘it’s never over’" She pulled away from me, "Do you remember?"
It came rushing back to me, I was poisoned and she told me the only way to save me was to drink her. I told her "then it’s over" I remember the fierceness of her words now - "It’s never over."
She stood on tiptoes and kissed my cheek whispering in my ear, "Remember those words, Angel. It’s never over, even death can’t destroy our love, it’s never over, it’s never over, it’s never over... " The words sounded fainter and fainter as she dissappeared from my sight.
Six months later...
It’s still hard to not think about what would have or could have been. I’ve made more then one trip to her grave and it still hurts to see it. But I keep fighting the good fight and I keep trudging along in this world because I know it’s what she wants me to do. I know that someday, somehow, we will be together again. She was right, it’s never over...
The End