"In The Morning Light"
Author: A. Price
Email: andramichelle@yahoo.com
I'm watching him sleep again. Watching the steady rise and fall of his chest, a small snore escapes from him and I giggle softly. I'll never tell him he snores, I'll never tell him anything to hurt him no matter how much I hurt. I can't hurt Riley Finn, because he loves me, plain and simple, in his way he loves me as much as Angel did or as much as Angel does. I can still feel Angel's love, even though we've been apart two years now. It's more like a dull ache now, but I know it's there, and I know he comes to Sunnydale and he watches, I feel him. And Riley doesn't deserve to be hurt so I just keep up the deception, we are for all appearances the perfect couple. One half of us is anyway. He's rolled over now and is facing me, he smiles in his sleep, he has a sweet smile.
I gently ruffle Riley's hair careful not to wake him. He is a good man, a strong man, a decent man, and above all a normal human man. Angel left so I could be with that kind of man and here he is lying beside me and I am still not happy. I don't lie when I say, I love Riley, I do, but it's not the same kind of love I feel for Angel. I don't ache for Riley like I do for Angel -still after all this time - I ache for him sometimes in the middle of the night, even though a strong arm holds me close, I want to be in someone elses arms. And that's not Riley's fault, so I snuggle closer to him and really try to appreciate what I have.
When I get in those melancholy moods, Riley somehow understands, he doesn't question he just supports me, he holds me while I cry for no apparent reason. He reassures me that he loves me, that he will always take care of me, that he won't leave me. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is telling the truth, and then I want to cry all the more, because this man deserves better then me. Angel told me that I deserve someone who can take me into the light, yes, Riley can take me into the light, but he too deserves someone who can give him her whole heart. I can't give him that now, maybe never.
So I continue with this bittersweet deception, because there are dozens of things I love about Riley, his shy smile, his soft laughter, his good Iowa boy manners, the way he puts his hand on the small of my back in a slightly protective way as we walk into a restaurant or the mall. His soft, sweet kisses, and gentle lovemaking can make me forget for a little while. And I love him for all of that, but I still don't love him completely and it's not fair to him and it's not fair to me .
I should wake him now, I should apologize for not loving him the way he deserves. I should pack my things and leave. I should let him find a woman who can love him the way he loves me. I almost do it, I almost nudge him awake. But I can't, I am too selfish. I can't love him completely but I can't let him go either.
I watch him stirring a little bit, he'll be waking soon. And he'll smile as he reaches over and brushes my hair off of my face and gives me a good morning kiss. And we will have early morning bedroom chatter and he'll watch me as I talk and he'll really listen to what I say.
And once again the deception starts or does it? In all my deep thinking this morning I avoided one thought, as much as Angel loves me - he did leave. I look at Riley who is now awake and smiling that smile at me and I know one thing for certain, he won't leave. It's like everything is crystal clear, I will always love Angel, he has a special part of my heart reserved only for him. But as I watch Riley lean towards me for a kiss, his face softly bathed in the morning light, I realize how much I do love him, he's not Angel, he never will be. But he's Riley and he loves me and for now that's enough.
Riley's lips are on mine, it's a gentle kiss, but I want more, I deepen the kiss and run my fingers through his hair. I want to tell him, tell him that I'm sorry for concentrating on what I couldn't have, instead of the wonderful man who is right in front of me.
He responds by pulling me even closer against him. The kiss ends and he whispers in my hair "You okay?"
"I'm fine, I'm just fine." I reply and for the first time in a long time there is no deception to cover and I have no guilt as I pull him close for another kiss and the bright morning light filters through the shades into *our* bedroom.
The End