"Succor"

Author: Samantha
Email: sammer77@aol.com
Notes: The song reference is "And So It Goes" by Billy Joel.

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Here I am again. At the place that I have run to so many times in the past. A place that I have used as a shelter from the storm that rages in my soul. Tentatively, I curl my fingers into a fist and lift it to the door. I pause before my knuckles make contact, taking a breath and praying that he’ll let me in one more time. Just one more time. The breath I draw is ragged and nervous and I finally gather enough courage to knock on the door. My hand barely makes contact with the hard wood and I am afraid that I will have to knock again, all the while not sure if I can do so. So I wait a little longer, hoping that he heard me and will open the door and save me once again.

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I can feel the tears sting my eyes as I wait. Maybe he didn’t hear me. Maybe he did hear me and is just ignoring my plea. I lift my fist once again to knock. I need him to let me in, need him to take the pain away for another night. Squeezing my fist closed tightly, feeling my nails dig into my palm, I move to rap on the door again. But before I make contact, the door opens, revealing my salvation.

He is standing there in the doorway looking at me. And his beautiful eyes reveal nothing. He doesn’t seem surprised to see me standing there on his doorstep. He doesn’t seem shocked by my silent request. Instead, he just steps aside and allows me to pass into his home.

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

I turn to him in the dim light of the room, staring at him through the shadows, speaking volumes to him without words. And a part of me feels guilty for coming here, for asking so much from him and not being able to give him anything in return. But I can’t help it. He was there for me all those months ago when I realized what a huge mistake I had made by walking away from Riley. He held me close and dried my tears and helped soothe the inner demons that I was fighting a losing battle against. And so I have found myself coming back. Many times, under many pretenses, but for the same reasons. I need him to pull me back from the edge. Again.

And every time I’ve held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

I don’t want to cry, but the tears slide down my face against my will. And I suddenly feel so ashamed of myself for standing here yet again, repeating the same tired scene that I have performed in this very room so many times before. I bow my head to hide my face from his inquiring gaze. Because I can feel his eyes on me and I know that he sees everything. He can read me like a book and I know that it’s futile to hide from him. But I do it anyway.

His fingers slip under my chin and he tilts my face up to meet his. My eyes search his, trying to find the comfort I’m looking for. And it’s there. It seems to fill his gaze reluctantly, as if he’s fighting against the opposing voices in his head. One voice tells him to help me once again, to reach out and hold me. The other one tells him to show me the door, that it’s not his job to ease my pain.

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

He reaches out for me despite his inner conflict, wipes away my tears, and pulls me against his body. I feel my arms slip under his and around his shoulders. I hold on to him tightly, burying my face in his neck and squeezing my eyes shut. I can feel his hands on me, smoothing my hair, and running along my back. And I whisper softly against his ear, "Please…."

His cheek brushes against mine, his skin rough with stubble, and he takes my shoulders in his strong hands and pushes me away far enough to look once again in my eyes. And I see that his own glisten slightly with unshed tears. And I know it’s because I am hurting him. My presence, my demands, hurt him. But yet he continues to let me in. I touch his cheek in silent apology and touch his lips with mine.

And this is why my eyes are closed
It’s just as well for all I’ve seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you’re the only one who knows

I feel his lips tremble slightly beneath mine, then open to let me in. And I close my eyes and revel in the breathlessness of the moment. And it doesn’t take long before I can feel his arousal pressing against me. I follow silently as he breaks away and leads me by the hand to the bedroom.

He sheds his clothes quickly and then reaches for me again, making quick work of mine. And as I lay on the bed, his warm flesh against mine, I keep my eyes closed. Because it’s too hard to see his face. Because his arms are not the ones I want around me. And because I know that he knows this and I can’t bring myself to look him in the eye.

So I would choose to be with you
That’s if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

So I shut my eyes against the guilt and allow myself to be carried away on a cloud of denial. And for a few all-to-brief moments, I actually feel as though I’m not empty, as though I have everything I want. But the reality of my mistakes and all that I’ve thrown away comes crashing back to me the moment it’s over. And I can hear my love's words echo through my head--"...there's just no room in my life for you anymore...." They ring loud and clear through the silence, reminding me once again of all I've lost.

We lie in silence, the rhythm of our breathing the only sound in the room. He lies next to me and out of the corner of my eye I can see him staring at the ceiling, not looking at me. And the only part of him that is still touching me is his hand, as his fingers barely curl around mine.

Another tear slides down my temple and I turn my head away. This is the last time. I know that. Inside, I know that I will never come back here again. It’s not fair to him. Or me. I curl my fingers tighter around his, trying to hold on to him as long as I can.

I take comfort in the fact that I feel his fingers squeeze mine in return and the gesture gives me the strength to look at him again. He doesn’t look at me at first, but then turns to gaze at me in the darkness.

There is so much I want to say to him, this man that has given himself to me without question so many times in order to ease my loneliness. But the words won’t come. They bubble under the surface of my mind and dance on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t seem to put a voice behind them.

But words suddenly don’t seem necessary as we look at each other now. He seems to understand what I am trying to say and he simply nods in comprehension. He knows I have to leave and that it will be for good this time. And he whispers softly, "At least stay until morning."

My first instinct is to decline his offer, to get up and run away. That’s always my first instinct. But the look in his eyes and the simplicity of his request change my mind. And I smile slightly and snuggle against him, allowing his soothing warmth to surround me. I rest my head on his chest as he pulls the blanket over us and wraps his arms around me.

"Goodnight, Buffy," he whispers into my hair, placing a gentle kiss on the top of my head.

I close my eyes and sigh, content for the moment despite the continuous battle raging behind my eyes. "Goodnight, Graham."

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you’re the only one who knows

The End