"Not Goodbye"

Author: Starla
Email: Starla@Buffymail.com
Notes: This is sorta Alternate Prom, but not really. All the stuff that happened on the show, happened , just sorta splits off from there. It's not really over, damnit! I was considering making this a series (cos I'm so good with series. *snort*. I mean, I'm not lagging with Permanent Residence at all.)

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"So, what, you're just gonna let him go, then?" Cordelia asked me, bluntly, blinking as if this was some intense concept beyond her understanding. "It's that simple. Normal life, picnics, go find some average guy to have an empty, loveless 'relationship' with while Angel just toddles off to god knows where?"

"It's not really my choice, Cordy," I gritted out between painfully clenched teeth, my eyes floating over to where Angel stood with Oz, both guys looking immaculate in their tuxes. "It's not like I can force him to stay."

"Sure you can!" Cordelia insisted, "Use your wily feminine charms. According to the masculine population around this place you do have some, even if I can't understand it personally."

I glared at her. "Thanks for the confidence. Besides, what am I gonna do? Set up a seduction scene for Angel and hope that Angelus is in a good mood in the morning? So not gonna happen."

"This sucks," Cordelia muttered, and I was surprised to see that she looked genuinely dejected.

I looked at her quizzically, "Why do you even care?"

She shrugged, "My theory is that someone spiked the punch."

I sighed, and tried to smile at her slightly, "Thanks for your concern, Cor."

"So you're really not even gonna *try* to get him to stay?"

"I can't," I whispered, "I don't know why, but he feels like he's gotta do this."

"Men," Cordy huffed, crossing her arms over her chest, which was currently covered - barely - in an appropriately black and sparkly Prom Dress.

Again, I made with the hideous imitation of a smile, and nodded.

The Prom After Party. I wondered, briefly, how many of the bedrooms in Hogan Martin's palacial mansion were occupied by giggling couples, ready and eager to strip away every last drop of clothing and purity. I mean, after Prom was traditionally the moment to lose that precious virginity.

I'd take mine back if it'd mean that Angel would feel it was safe to stay with me. I'd die a virgin, as long as I could die in his arms.

"I think you need to assert your ownership here, Buff," Cordy said with a nod in Angel's direction. I followed her gaze and frowned darkly when Hayley Gordon got too close to my honey for my liking, and shared one last glance with Cordelia before I slid away to reclaim him, if only for the night.

I smiled sweetly at Hayley, who was chatting easily to Angel and Oz. Angel seemed completely unaware of the fact that he was being flirted with, a fact which made me glad. He was preoccupied too. He missed me too.

Hayley's eyebrows shot up as I slid my both my arms around one of Angel's, standing close to his side and blinking angelically at her.

"Hi, Hayley," I giggled, and then grinned up at Angel, "Hi, honey."

His brow furrowed for a minute, his eyes ticking between me and Hayley as if he was trying to puzzle out my behaviour. His fingers squeezed mine gently, and I felt my heart throb with a wave of longing and love and despair. God, just imagining the possibility of never feeling his touch again made me want to break down and cry, and rage, but I did neither. It would be useless, and mortifying, and would probably just make Angel guilty. Er.

"Oh," Hayley sounded like she was going to start stammering at any moment. I had quite a reputation among my classmates. Homicidal tendencies, all that. "Hi, Buffy. Love your dress."

"Thanks!" I replied, quickly forgetting my jealousy once I could feel Angel's flesh against my own. Hayley was a nice enough kid. No need for claws there. "I love that colour on you."

So, my jealousy was gone, but that didn't stop me from digging my nails into Angel's palm when his eyes flickered over her dress, which was made of gorgeous scarlet material.

I look weird in red.

Angel just stared down at me in confusion again. We didn't normally interact with other people that much, so my being scary and jealous about girls he'd just met, well, that was new to him.

He'd just have to deal with it. It was only for a night, right? He'd only be mine for one more night.

Oh, god.

I felt his hand slide over my arm and pull me in front of him, slipping his arms around my waist so that I leaned against his chest, almost as if he new what was going on in my head. He probably did. He usually knew what was going on with me.

"You left Cordelia all alone," Oz commented, nodding his head in her direction.

"She was starting to be nice to me," I replied, "I had to get out of there."

I felt Angel's chest rumble with repressed laughter, and grinned. I loved making him laugh, because it was so rare, and he always looked so beautiful with a smile. So damn beautiful, whatever he was doing, but especially smiling. I loved making him smile.

I hated the thought that he'd be alone, when he left town.

I swallowed back tears and clutched at his arms, grateful that he was chatting to Oz and Hayley again, because I just wanted to rest where I was, and listen to the sound of his voice wash over me, and drown in the velvet cool of his body.

I'd stay there forever, if I could.

Later, he walked me home, both my hands safely wrapped in one of his, his coat long and liquid over my shoulders. We danced, one more time, on my lawn, and he kissed me softly with lips that tasted like tears and spices.

It was hard for him too.

I lifted my head from it's comfortable home on his chest, smiling sadly as we moved to the phantom music.

"I know you've got to do this."

His eyes met mine, so old, so sad, and he nodded. "I do."

"I'm not even going to try and understand why," I told him softly, brushing one hand across his cheek, "I just know you've got to do it, and I respect that."

"Buffy-"

"Angel, don't, okay? I know that your reasons, whatever they may be, aren't what you said they were. Or, not just what you said they were. I don't even know if you know why you're doing what you're doing, but that's not the point."

He just stared at me, and I knew I was right. I knew there was more to it than what he was telling me.

"All I ask," I said, standing still now, capturing him with my eyes, "Is that if you find what you're looking for, you come home to me, Okay?"

He set his jaw stubbornly, "I don't want you waiting around for me like some forlorn widow, Buffy."

I sighed, carressed his chest with my hand. "I promise, I won't. Well, maybe for a little while, but I will keep moving, Angel. Without you. But only for as long as I have to."

I stretched up on my tiptoes to kiss him on the forehead, which was no mean feat, especially considering that I'd dumped my shoes on the porch.

"I'll always be your girl, Angel," I reminded him softly, "And no matter what happens to be going on when -" From his look, I amended, "Okay, *if* - you ever come home, I'll have time for you, and space for you, and *love* for you. Always."

Wordlessly, he pulled me up against his body once more, burying his face in my neck. We stood like that for a few minutes, each memorizing everything we felt for each other, luxuriating in our shared love, until finally, he straightened, brushing at my face with his massive hands, gazing into my eyes.

"I love you," he whispered, "The fact that I have to do this, it has nothing to do with anything you've done."

"I know that, Angel."

"I just -" he swallowed, and pressed a swift kiss to my brow. "More than anything in the world, I want to be by your side, but right now...it's not right."

"It will be some day, though," I promised.

"Yeah."

We kissed again, tenderly, lovingly, sadly, and then he stepped back, holding my hands.

"I'll be back for you, someday," he said, producing a box from his pocket, taking out my Claddagh, and sliding it over my finger. Heart facing me. I belonged to him. As I looked down at the shimmering silver in wonder - I'd thought it lost forever - he pressed a kiss to my knuckles. "Be careful."

"I will," I said firmly, "You too, fang. If you let yourself get hurt, I'll kick your ass."

He smiled at me lopsidedly, the gently let go of my hands, stepped away, and started to disappear into the night.

"Angel?" I called, ignoring the tears which tracked their way steadily down my face.

He turned towards me, the moonlight washing over his skin - beautiful, so beautiful - his eyes twinkling sadly up at me.

I smiled at him, for him, trying to be brave.

"See ya 'round."

 

The End

 

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