I don't think we ever realized exactly how much we would sacrifice to be together. We were so nieve back then...so blind in the hope that there was a way for us. We knew it would be hard...or, we said we knew. But did we? Did we ever stop and entertain the thought that our relationship would suffer- and cause- some real tragedies? Real pain?

No. I suppose we didn't. Well I didn't. Angel probably did, pessimist that he is. All those hours of brooding must have led to at least one little feeling of warning, of real caution.

But we never expected what we got in return for our pure, shining love.

I remember that he tried to stop us from becoming so close... he tried to stop me from falling in love with him.

Good luck there.

He was too late.

And even if he hadn't been...

It wasn't really something I ever had a choice in. Or even consciously realized. But the moment I looked in his eyes, I felt it.

Nothing could have stopped me from loving him. Nothing.

Rip tide, we slide, we ride
On a deep forbidden sea//

Of course, I cant hold it against him. It was the same for him...swept away by the simple bond of recognition between our souls... that bond which became a connection blazing with fire, creating such delicious energy when we touched.

And even when we didn't.

We knew it was wrong...but it felt so right. It felt so safe to seek shelter in each other's arms.

But forbidden love will always remain forbidden, no matter how hard you try to ignore it. Time...events...people...all conspire to punish you for going against your natural instinct.

No matter how unfair it is. No matter the cause. No matter how real it is to you.

The world is more important.

When you are a warrior, you don't belong to yourself. You belong to the people that you have to protect.

I think Angel recognized that fact long before I did. Which is why he left. We were getting in too deep, and I didn't even see...

// Under we go - so slow
And you're hanging on to me
And I say-
One more addiction in my world
One more connection to let go//

When I became the Slayer, my watcher, Merrick, told me that I should keep everyone at an emotional distance. For their own protection. I shouldn't let them see the strength in my every move- so harshly contrasted with the weakness in my heart.

But I couldn't. The warmth that comes from being close to someone, anyone, was something I couldn't give up. It was like cigarettes, or caffiene to me. I craved it. It was my addiction. The one thing I couldn't live without.

Until Angel came along, and then there was so much more... every day that I went without the intensity of his dark eyes or the tingle that accompanied his cool touch, I grew more desperate for it.

Suddenly, there was a huge world, with so many things that I wanted. I dreamed about travelling to Europe with him, staying in a tiny cottage in the French Countryside. There was a future for me, brighter than my morbid past, and I longed for it.

Angel showed me what there was to fight for. And he helped me fight the battle.

And then, suddenly, he was gone.

// Floating down the river
Out of sight forever (From my world)
It's the only thing I know how to do
I reject you.//

It wasn't an unconscious idea to ignore my past with him, you know. I knew exactly what I was doing.

I was *actively* not thinking about him.

I was trying for 'out of sight, out of mind'.

Like, just because he wasn't in my everyday routine anymore, he was no longer part of my life.

It just made it easier to let him go.

Cold Turkey.

< Do you think there's a patch for this? >

// But I can't follow through
I'd forget you
But you'd end up tapping on my back door.//

It's really good, sometimes. I can go through the day, keeping myself busy, and then I don't have to think of him. But he's always there, in the back of my mind, his eyes, his lips, drawing my attention back towards him. To the times when those eyes would look upon me with such passion, and those lips would cover me in desperate kisses. When they would form words of love, whispered to one another in the dead of night as he walked me home.

I'm thinking 'dead of night' is probably a bad expression to use.

// Somehow I lost myself in a tunnel long and black
Somewhere, at the end, I pretend,
There's a way of turning back.//

Since he left, I've been wandering around with my eyes closed. I don't know who I've become. Or where this new me is headed.

Without him, I'm not sure if it matters. But if I don't like where I end up...Well, it's not like I have to stay there...right?

That is, if I even make it through the journey. I'm not naive. I know how the Slayer's life works. They're made short for a reason. So that we don't have to endure the pain of our everyday existence and the terror of our nightlife.

Dead, in a Slayer's world, equals peace.

For most Slayers. In the moments before I die, I know all I'll feel is guilt. Because I'm leaving my friends defenceless. As I did that summer.

And I don't want to repeat *anything* about that summer.

// Take a breath
Let it out//

So I know that I will go through the motions of living until I can no longer stand it.

And then I'll submit.

// All the things you frown about are meaningless, of course,unless you're doing this for real, I guess.
I meant to, but...
I don't know what
Is in the way and I could say
It's you I bet.//

My friends don't think I'm getting into the spirit of college life. I know Willow wants be to get involved with Riley...and he's nice enough, I suppose...in a...normal way.

I should want normal.

I *do* want normal. I *do*.

Except...I don't. I can't make myself feel like that for Riley. Or any of the other guys I meet. Because in my mind is that perfect love I share with Angel. And that just blows normal out the window.

Willow thinks the things that I get upset over these days are trivial, I know. And they are. Because the things that I say I'm upset about, don't really matter to me. But they sure are handy excuses for the tears that fall without warning. When I hadn't even realized that I'd been thinking of him.

But then, I'm nearly always thinking of him.

I wonder if he knows that? If he cares?

Seeing him, earlier...it spun me out a little. And suddenly, little miss rational took over.

Did I really say those things to him? That I was going to move on?

I can never move on.

Even if I wanted to.

// I won't forget.
Maybe I'm not ready yet.//

The End